Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot Ill a production of My Heart Radio. Hi, ladies,
Speaker 1: this is Nadia from New York. I just want to
Speaker 1: say I can't even refer to a specific episode. I've
Speaker 1: listened to them all multiple times over. I just want
Speaker 1: to say, in each and every episode, you ladies, touch
Speaker 1: on something that is important to me, that is laying
Speaker 1: within me that I didn't even know I was laying
Speaker 1: in my spirit sometimes. And I just want to thank you, Jill, Asia, Asia,
Speaker 1: excuse me, and thank you for being the voice that
Speaker 1: a lot of us didn't know that we needed. Thank
Speaker 1: you for being the voices that educate us on our bodies,
Speaker 1: our love, our beings, just everything about you. I just
Speaker 1: want to thank you, ladies. I want to say that
Speaker 1: you are the voice that I have been looking for.
Speaker 1: You are a voice that we all need. Y'all be blessed,
Speaker 1: say sweet, appreciate you, God blessed, Thank you, Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Welcome to j dot Ello podcast. And guess
Speaker 1: what our voicemail is full? Is full? You called, you
Speaker 1: left messages, you let us know how you feel about
Speaker 1: what we're doing here, and I promise you would mean
Speaker 1: so much to us. Um this is our first time
Speaker 1: listening through to the messages, and we just want to
Speaker 1: be surprised. We don't know what you're gonna say, like
Speaker 1: we hate you pictures they could hit and could go
Speaker 1: down like that, and I don't know. But the fact
Speaker 1: that you've left such a lovely message, and you know,
Speaker 1: you let us know that what we're doing is not
Speaker 1: in vain. That feels really, really good. We're really here
Speaker 1: just trying to, you know, spark that conversation. We're just
Speaker 1: trying to spark that conversation so that you can get
Speaker 1: through to the other side of the world. Honey, We're
Speaker 1: all trying to get to the other side. Listen and
Speaker 1: put our feet in the grass and smell the flowers
Speaker 1: on the way. I want to acknowledge that the young
Speaker 1: lady who left that message took the time to pronounce
Speaker 1: my name God she let's sake, and then she charged
Speaker 1: to circle back, and there was such a lesson in
Speaker 1: that to make a mistake. Amen, Amen says circle back.
Speaker 1: That is the one thing you back on. J d
Speaker 1: il if anything was how to stay asa. How about
Speaker 1: that Ada Graydon Danceler that's me, yeah, and Layahs st
Speaker 1: Clair that's me. And I'm just Scott all day And
Speaker 1: this is j d Ilda Podcast, and we're gonna listen
Speaker 1: to these messages and see what y'all got to say.
Speaker 1: Play another one. Amber, Oh my god, my name is
Speaker 1: I'm calling from Atlanta and I was listening to bro
Speaker 1: mix VAHU. I was driving. I'm an uber driver, and
Speaker 1: I absolutely could not ride down the road to close
Speaker 1: my eyes. That would have been a detriment to my
Speaker 1: life and everybody else in the city of Atlanta, Georgia.
Speaker 1: But in my heart, oh my god, you, I could
Speaker 1: have cried the stars, the color of the stars, the
Speaker 1: start flats, the bush people, the food, the tendency to
Speaker 1: off the ground. Um, taking your son over the delta. Uh.
Speaker 1: You guys being in Paris, experiencing the food, Uh, the
Speaker 1: louse uh museum like I your words. God has really
Speaker 1: gifted you with a way with words. You say something
Speaker 1: and I see it, I feel it, I experienced it.
Speaker 1: You can describe a particular hell of blue and I
Speaker 1: see it, I feel it, I sense it, and I
Speaker 1: get all into it. I was like Layah where her
Speaker 1: eyes were closed. I am you are such a gym. Jill,
Speaker 1: you are such a gym. Asia, you are such a
Speaker 1: motherfucking beast. And you are so solid, and you are
Speaker 1: such a balance and like Babe, you are an adventure
Speaker 1: and me and you was like Dora. We'll be got
Speaker 1: that bitch with backpack. Backpack. That's all we do. I
Speaker 1: love everything that you ladies do. You women are vital
Speaker 1: to my life. I thank you so much. I love
Speaker 1: you so much, and thank you for taking me to
Speaker 1: Boots Wanna and them babies. Yes, ma'am. Thank y'all so much.
Speaker 1: I love y'all, and y'all be easy to be blessed
Speaker 1: and enjoy your weekends. I look forward to next two stepisode.
Speaker 1: Thank you, and I am talking your Instagram pages just
Speaker 1: f y. I like your congratulations on goddam. I'm dropping
Speaker 1: the baby off but not crying. Baby. I love y'all
Speaker 1: so much. I talk to y'all soon back. First of all,
Speaker 1: Ed is about to get all my love number one
Speaker 1: with that as from that was everything we'll see. Listen,
Speaker 1: y'all try to we're starting the day off. We're starting
Speaker 1: what my chest est my body. That was a sweet episode. Man,
Speaker 1: that was though it was like it was it was
Speaker 1: like an audio pleasure here. It was an extraordinary experience
Speaker 1: and all the ideas that it popped. Jill like, for
Speaker 1: everybody listening. I mean, I'm talking about me, but yeah,
Speaker 1: but everybody listening was like, I could I could do
Speaker 1: a little version of is what It really helped me
Speaker 1: understand what's just the importance of, you know, honoring the
Speaker 1: transition into adulthood, for these young people to be intentional
Speaker 1: about honoring that, and that it's not just about a birthday,
Speaker 1: it's not just about a you know, it's about it's
Speaker 1: a process. Who is who do I want this person
Speaker 1: to become? And what am I going to do to
Speaker 1: show them that I'm invested in that in a way
Speaker 1: that says, okay, you know what, we've gone into the
Speaker 1: next stage of this. Now we did that first part
Speaker 1: and now we're going into this next stage. And I
Speaker 1: just thought it was beautiful and I loved how it
Speaker 1: was just an intention. It's not all just about exactly
Speaker 1: what was done, it's the intention behind what was done.
Speaker 1: They Yeah, I'll provowed you. Thank you man. I just
Speaker 1: want to do this thing as best as I possibly can.
Speaker 1: And you know, just a reminder for far As bro
Speaker 1: Mits Fuzz or Sismiths Fuzz, if you will um the
Speaker 1: you know like that, Like, as far as those things
Speaker 1: are concerned, Like I saved for two years for that.
Speaker 1: I knew it was coming, and I knew what I
Speaker 1: wanted him to experience, and I knew what I didn't
Speaker 1: want to, you know, do something that was a financial
Speaker 1: burden to me, because I don't. You know, people will
Speaker 1: assume I ain't got no financial burdens, but you know,
Speaker 1: I'm still you know, text main't come every year. Looking Rode,
Speaker 1: when you said you saved for that trip, we all
Speaker 1: heard you. Like, but that's also part of the intentional.
Speaker 1: When you save, that means you you're intentional. You're making
Speaker 1: a play that part. Because now at thirteen, you know
Speaker 1: that would attest to this, it's gotten a lot harder.
Speaker 1: I'm rough on him now, Oh I'm not. I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm not letting things slide as I would a little
Speaker 1: person and important you could get this too, but now, no, no,
Speaker 1: no longer, little tink tank, no more, no more, And
Speaker 1: there are consequences to your actions and far as right now,
Speaker 1: I'm the one that Yeah, it's not going to be
Speaker 1: all sweet, but we thank you so much, as you know,
Speaker 1: for leaving that message and letting us know that. You know,
Speaker 1: we're inspiring you and igniting, you know, dreams of fancy
Speaker 1: and that don't have to be that fancy. It's not
Speaker 1: and it could be too. It could be too. We
Speaker 1: manifest luxury, talling, the manifests the best, right loaded style,
Speaker 1: y'all goals, right loaded style. Let's come Yeah, what what's
Speaker 1: White Loadus? White Loaders is a series on HBO about
Speaker 1: fancy as hotel. The last season it was one place.
Speaker 1: This season it was in a in Italy off the coast,
Speaker 1: and it's a it's a mystery that goes on in
Speaker 1: it's fancy, extra luxurious hotel. I should watch this. I
Speaker 1: like these things. Yeah, you would like it. I wanted
Speaker 1: to tell you guys that I'm watching Kendred. I'm finished.
Speaker 1: I finished that. I'm finished too. I didn't know talk
Speaker 1: we're done. I thought it was just one season. I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, okay, wait, there's more than one season. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's up for a second season. You'll you'll figure that out.
Speaker 1: You'll be like, oh, okay, okay, that's what it's gonna
Speaker 1: make you do in there. Hold up, hold up, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Stop no mm hmm, okay, that ain't
Speaker 1: even know editing told you all the time. I told
Speaker 1: the time, I said, this is the time that I'm
Speaker 1: a boring on room. You booked the room for a
Speaker 1: certain the room for a certain time. Y'all knocking on
Speaker 1: the toe all in my audio, like what is happening?
Speaker 1: That just goes to show you everybody, And it don't stop.
Speaker 1: Don't stop it don't stop when you decide somebody, it
Speaker 1: don't stop ever, not ever. What is kindred on? Um?
Speaker 1: Hulu Hulu hulu. Okay, nobody, nobody's paying us to say
Speaker 1: that you know anything. We're just watching this because we're
Speaker 1: big fans of Octavia Butler and it's well done and
Speaker 1: it's very interesting, and like Agia had mentioned to me,
Speaker 1: I think she mentioned it privately that it was kind
Speaker 1: of like heavy and you got to kind of take
Speaker 1: a break and come back with some breaths and start again. Um,
Speaker 1: just throwing that out there. But thanks y'all. We really
Speaker 1: appreciate your home states. Stay safe on those roads. Um
Speaker 1: just England that somebody ain't right pull off my friend, Yeah, Georgia,
Speaker 1: more real talk after the break, play another one for us,
Speaker 1: if you'd be so kind, My dear Emba, Hi ladies.
Speaker 1: My name is Alicia. I was just calling because I'm
Speaker 1: a great fan of the show and I actually am
Speaker 1: getting caught up on the episodes now that I'm back
Speaker 1: at work. And um, the June twenty second episode Your
Speaker 1: Coaches on Camera Part one, there was an interesting part
Speaker 1: in it that you guys were discussing virginity and why
Speaker 1: would somebody be a virgin for some long particularly. I
Speaker 1: think that would be a great episode topic just because
Speaker 1: as a fellow virgin, I'm almost in my forties and
Speaker 1: I'm a virgin as well. But I realized that I've
Speaker 1: been a virgin for so long because I've had some
Speaker 1: trauma that's happened in the past year. So I stayed
Speaker 1: out from going out and I stayed home. And then
Speaker 1: as the time passed along, I started to get older
Speaker 1: and older and older, and then I realized, like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, I'm not living and now I'm in the
Speaker 1: predicament that I'm about to be a forty year old virgin.
Speaker 1: So I think that'd be a great topic if you
Speaker 1: guys would just talk to all kinds of different virgins
Speaker 1: out there and see and get their perspective on stuff
Speaker 1: as into why they are a virgin. Thank you ladies.
Speaker 1: By wow, that is a very interesting topic. I do
Speaker 1: know a fifties six year old virgin. Wo. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: have a good friend who is just turning forty and
Speaker 1: actually today is having a theme party called the forty
Speaker 1: year Old Virgin, and he has put out a a
Speaker 1: birthday um invitation complete with the remake of the forty
Speaker 1: year old version movie poster and everything. Yeah, we haven't
Speaker 1: talked about that. I wonder. I wonder if your friend
Speaker 1: is like he's trying and change that for the birthday.
Speaker 1: I don't know, okays, I'm gonna find out, you know, whenever,
Speaker 1: if we do get a chance to do this as
Speaker 1: an episode, you know, I'll ask him if he'd be
Speaker 1: interested to come on in, come in the room and
Speaker 1: talk about it, because I would love to see here
Speaker 1: from a diverse group of virgins. Yeah. Man, Because what
Speaker 1: she was saying is like hers was like, Hey, I
Speaker 1: put it off, put it off, put it off. It
Speaker 1: wasn't even intentional. So I'm sure there's some people where
Speaker 1: it's deeply intentional like I think hers was. She said
Speaker 1: she had been you know, she had to experience some
Speaker 1: trauma and at that point you know, it's kind of
Speaker 1: made a decision about it. What I've learned from the
Speaker 1: field virgins that I've had the experience the pleasure to know, Um,
Speaker 1: they were just good folks. But also if you stay
Speaker 1: a virgin after a certain age, you tend to stay one,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. If you're a virgin after
Speaker 1: a certain agers a shame thing. You think it's a
Speaker 1: shame thing. You don't want to tappin. It's probably individual,
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes it's habit right out of habit. I
Speaker 1: mean just because I just didn't know more, because it's
Speaker 1: just like I just don't. I just ain't never did.
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, like you don't even have the desire.
Speaker 1: I think, are they a sexual Jill? The ones that
Speaker 1: you know, like do they still pleasure themselves? Or how
Speaker 1: about the ones that you know? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: mean we know a couple of just not too long ago,
Speaker 1: look separate entity do We'll talk about it later, But
Speaker 1: I know, you know, I wonder, I wonder to me,
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, something gotta go in here,
Speaker 1: that's gotta go in there. Yes, So I'm like to
Speaker 1: go in here and after Jill tell me, after Jill
Speaker 1: tell me who it is. I might, I might ask
Speaker 1: if I know what I'm gonna ask them. I'm curious.
Speaker 1: I want to know all the things. Okay, I doubt
Speaker 1: very much that they would talk about it, but you
Speaker 1: never know, Okay, you never know. We can't help, but
Speaker 1: you know it's okay to take some really take some anonymous.
Speaker 1: No shame, we can shoot all. There's no shame, of course,
Speaker 1: not none. But you know, people will put stuff on
Speaker 1: you like yeah, and sometimes even in our tone because
Speaker 1: we're so used to socialize in certain ways. I fear
Speaker 1: that on that particular episode, we we ourselves may have
Speaker 1: come across a little bit like, oh well, why would
Speaker 1: you know, just maybe a little bit just outside of talking,
Speaker 1: outside of the experience, you know what I'm saying. So oh,
Speaker 1: I know. I mean that's why I asked about the
Speaker 1: a sexual thing, because I think once you we get
Speaker 1: to that point, I know, I'm might. You know, I
Speaker 1: would be one of those people to be like damgn
Speaker 1: like what is that like? Not having that in your life?
Speaker 1: Like I understand maybe virgin, but and there's so many
Speaker 1: days to experience intimacy that could that's would definitely be
Speaker 1: even more powerful, you know, okay, you know what I mean. Yeah, ways,
Speaker 1: that's why I said, it's like so many different types
Speaker 1: of people who are probably experiencing this and that to
Speaker 1: make this kind of monolithic you know, statement about what
Speaker 1: that looks like, right, I mean irresponsible. It isn't fair
Speaker 1: Jerry's line like are you a virgin? We need to
Speaker 1: know your different experience. I'm just joking, but I'm not,
Speaker 1: though I am. Yeah, thank you at Les, yeah for
Speaker 1: for bringing us a topic because you know, looking for
Speaker 1: something to to share and learn about. You know, it's
Speaker 1: we want to learn and it's so cool because people
Speaker 1: are people are amazing. Yeah, and that kind of choice
Speaker 1: is it's one that I don't identify with. But that's
Speaker 1: what's up, Like, okay, to stop. I like how diverse
Speaker 1: our people are too. It's like we got a little
Speaker 1: bit everything. We got the freaking thing end and the
Speaker 1: opt outs come on, you got opt out. Let's go listen.
Speaker 1: One thing I'll say about this podcast for sure, and
Speaker 1: this is I really really love this. This is absolute
Speaker 1: proof again that people are smart. The world will make
Speaker 1: you think that everybody is you know, um lacking in capacity,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's not true. People are actually thinking,
Speaker 1: people are reading, people are questioning, people are making big
Speaker 1: choices about their existence. That, um, that inspire. So I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I'm glad to notice that. I'm glad to see that.
Speaker 1: Keep thinking. Y'all love it. I love it. If we
Speaker 1: love it, we love that. Okay. So we got a
Speaker 1: message from from someone on Instagram. Um it's at Isaiah
Speaker 1: Ribera two for eight and they wrote, I thank you
Speaker 1: for sharing your life and doing everything that you do.
Speaker 1: Just know that your podcast has blessed this little Puerto
Speaker 1: Rican boy from the hood. I appreciate everything you do.
Speaker 1: Your podcast has got me through some days, and that's
Speaker 1: the best man. Some days, yo, as you can do
Speaker 1: is get through. I love it. I have quite a
Speaker 1: few some days, and I promise you I'm grateful to
Speaker 1: have been a part of getting somebody to what's something that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm still I'm like urgance. Puerto Ricans. I love them.
Speaker 1: We're touching people in this way. I guess that's so cool.
Speaker 1: I like that. The brother's lessening. That's what's up right
Speaker 1: me too. Oh let me see if I could, I
Speaker 1: might got another brother for y'all since you mentioned her brother, Oh, Royce,
Speaker 1: we love Royce, Royce and all all all his comments.
Speaker 1: Uh Royce says episodes are great topics asked for yesterday's
Speaker 1: app all the bells and whistles. Thank you all for
Speaker 1: the love, knowledgeable inclusion and affirming us trans men. Shoutouts
Speaker 1: to Nina Joiner, owner a Feel More Sex Shop. Oh
Speaker 1: that was a good episode. That was a good episode. Yes,
Speaker 1: we learned some things. Update update. I bought the rows
Speaker 1: for quite a few of my um uh senior sisters.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about over the age of sixty five. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Did you get some feedback yet?
Speaker 1: The feedback is it's a hit. One said she almost
Speaker 1: had a heart attack, and the other has gone back
Speaker 1: for more, more and more, and she says it keeps
Speaker 1: getting better. She loves the wish she just washed it. Child. Listen,
Speaker 1: I'm girl, I'm changing lives out here. You are changing lives.
Speaker 1: You are changing lives. That is so dope, you know, No, seller,
Speaker 1: I don't celebrate the Christmas, but I'm gonna go ahead
Speaker 1: and just do a maths send out. Huh. That is
Speaker 1: everything I do want to send out. I love it.
Speaker 1: I love it, but I love that you were specific
Speaker 1: about who was going to receive them, because we forget
Speaker 1: it about our our elders and our older sisters and
Speaker 1: our older aunties that they they ain't you know, they
Speaker 1: still here and they still need Most times they hear
Speaker 1: more than our uncles. So they need to experience pleasure
Speaker 1: and and and the era that some of them came
Speaker 1: from that wasn't something that some some of them talked
Speaker 1: to about or that they felt was important. So I
Speaker 1: think that's really cool. I want to speak on the
Speaker 1: fact that Royce really did say something about inclusion, which
Speaker 1: is important, which is just important to me in general,
Speaker 1: but I think that, um, I love. What I love
Speaker 1: about this podcast is that we are always trying to
Speaker 1: make sure that we're thinking in that space that we
Speaker 1: try to leave from that place. We can't always say
Speaker 1: or know all the things because we're not living all
Speaker 1: the experiences, but the fact that we always try to
Speaker 1: come back to the fact that yes, there are there
Speaker 1: so many experiences to be had, and that we want
Speaker 1: to affirm those experiences and we want to affirm other folks,
Speaker 1: and particularly all the different types of black folks that
Speaker 1: we know of because our community is so diverse and
Speaker 1: we have so many lived experiences to draw from. So
Speaker 1: I'm just happy to hear that that is noticed and received. Amen.
Speaker 1: You you both, you both have definitely opened my mind
Speaker 1: and my eyes in a beautiful way when it comes
Speaker 1: to inclusion, because in any of us become can become insular.
Speaker 1: We think that our experience is the experience, when in reality,
Speaker 1: you know, we're all living on a different plane, but
Speaker 1: completely attached. Completely attached, but different wonderful, crazy, wild, funny, sad,
Speaker 1: uplifting stories. You know if if you look at it,
Speaker 1: look at humanity as a book. You know. So, I
Speaker 1: really really appreciate how you have learned to me. Uh,
Speaker 1: I think we have all learned each other. Listen and
Speaker 1: learn from our listeners too, because I want to shout
Speaker 1: outs to not just Royce who is always making great
Speaker 1: comments and putting us on the things, but Donna another
Speaker 1: Donna will be on Twitter like listening, ladies listen. Literally,
Speaker 1: I looked at my Twitter and they go, Donia like okay, so, uh,
Speaker 1: y'all need a good somatics person. I got that. Like
Speaker 1: our whole we have a community of amazing resource people
Speaker 1: and that's dope too. We just I just love my folks,
Speaker 1: don't you know, you know, yeah, we've feel proud over
Speaker 1: here today. We are we're feeling proud today. We enjoy
Speaker 1: each other. So it's like the funny part is that
Speaker 1: we could do this and just cackle with each other
Speaker 1: and being la la happyland, just doing that, but knowing
Speaker 1: that in the process of enjoying one another's company and
Speaker 1: getting to kind of sift through and talk through all
Speaker 1: the stuff that we're thinking about and want to know
Speaker 1: about that also that's affecting other people in a positive way.
Speaker 1: What more could you really ask for after all of that?
Speaker 1: You know, that's something that you're just doing that comes natural,
Speaker 1: that that just that feeds you is also feeding others.
Speaker 1: It's like it's a community. And to think we are
Speaker 1: having this conversation during the good people's quanza Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: what Habar Gandhi agent today is near a purpose? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so we're living fully, you know, we're living in our love.
Speaker 1: I think we should have a conversation about quanta. You know,
Speaker 1: I know some people are familiar with it. I'm not
Speaker 1: as familiar as most um or some but I think
Speaker 1: we share a conversation about quansa where it comes from,
Speaker 1: who it comes from, and the principles of kwanza. You know,
Speaker 1: I like I like good things, you know, I like
Speaker 1: things that benefit the people. You know, yeah, clans is cool.
Speaker 1: There's you know, all kinds of conversation around quansa you know, yes,
Speaker 1: so you know, let's I welcome this conversation about about
Speaker 1: the good people's coins. Thank you for today. It is
Speaker 1: is Nia and we are definitely I feel like living
Speaker 1: in our purpose. Today you say one today, on today,
Speaker 1: you say on today today, and today I say on
Speaker 1: today a lot. What's funny is that some of our
Speaker 1: some of our fans actually reach out to me and
Speaker 1: and spit back the stuff I say a lot on
Speaker 1: all the good People's Internet or the good people said that.
Speaker 1: Somebody else said that. I guess, I say, listen a lot. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think got to do. There's a baby, h it
Speaker 1: was it was the season one was White supremacy. Pull back.
Speaker 1: I pull back not because I'm afraid of the man,
Speaker 1: but because I pulled back because I want. I want
Speaker 1: you to understand that it's easy to talk to me.
Speaker 1: It is. I promise you, it's not a difficult. I
Speaker 1: promise you. Oh my god, it's hilarious. Guys. Please another
Speaker 1: one Amber. This is so nice. Thanks shau Hi. This
Speaker 1: is Mardi Um. I just finished listening to young Shonnon.
Speaker 1: I think that's how you say it, um, and I
Speaker 1: just am moved um two tears at the how eloquent
Speaker 1: this beautiful young lady is. And I have this thing
Speaker 1: to Asia and her husband. Job well done. I am
Speaker 1: so happy to know that you have parentsed six beautiful
Speaker 1: games and that their present, their extension of your brilliance,
Speaker 1: to add with their own brilliance, will be in this
Speaker 1: world to contribute like this young lady Lana is already
Speaker 1: contributing to listening the vibration of the universe. I am
Speaker 1: so honored to have listened to her. And I have
Speaker 1: a question for those of us parents who were challenged
Speaker 1: with communication with our young, our babies, who didn't have
Speaker 1: the ability or the wherewithal too engage, who were caught
Speaker 1: up in financial struggles and and and depression and trauma
Speaker 1: and drama. What do we do? How do we begin
Speaker 1: to create that? Is it too late? And I I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna say it's too late, because it's never too late.
Speaker 1: Every day is an opportunity to recreate yourself and to
Speaker 1: recreate something new manifest something new, and we are great
Speaker 1: manifestos of the Africans living in America. So, um, what
Speaker 1: do you think how can we, as moms who may
Speaker 1: have missed the mark develop a bond with our children
Speaker 1: who are in their twenties and thirties. What do you suggest?
Speaker 1: How do we do that? Is it maybe having Sunday
Speaker 1: dinners once a week? You know? Um, going with the flow?
Speaker 1: How do we you know, still share our wisdom with
Speaker 1: our children as we feel like we missed the mark
Speaker 1: and we didn't bond with our children and we know
Speaker 1: that we still have so much more to teach them.
Speaker 1: Thank you and have a blessed, blessed day. That's a
Speaker 1: that's a that's a bit of a toll request. Um man, Well,
Speaker 1: thanks y'all, because honestly, I did get a lot of
Speaker 1: like m d M s and stuff about Lana's episode.
Speaker 1: So thank you guys for loving up on my kid.
Speaker 1: That's number one. She saw all the love that y'all
Speaker 1: gave her on social media, oh god. And um, I
Speaker 1: did allow her to to see it, and she, you know,
Speaker 1: it was just really really grateful and I was super
Speaker 1: proud of her, and it was definitely a difficult thing
Speaker 1: to listen to her in that way because it's mothering
Speaker 1: and it's like I'm trying not to be goofy and
Speaker 1: proud and you know, and just whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1: But you know, it was really a great experience. So
Speaker 1: I just want to thank you all for allowing her
Speaker 1: to come on and talk and share her experiences. But
Speaker 1: as far as like what you should do, I just
Speaker 1: think parenting is just like an ongo and learning process,
Speaker 1: and for me, in terms of like connecting and bonding
Speaker 1: with your kids, one of the things that has helped
Speaker 1: me with my relationship with my children, it's constantly um
Speaker 1: learning how to listen. I think we all believe in
Speaker 1: and know what we've been through. We we were there,
Speaker 1: we experienced it. We know what we know, and we're
Speaker 1: ready to share that wisdom and we're just ready to
Speaker 1: pass it on. But I'm not sure if we're always
Speaker 1: ready to listen for the nuances. We're not ready to
Speaker 1: really hear what our kids have to say, and oftentimes
Speaker 1: when they say something that we don't like or that
Speaker 1: we disagree with, then we feel that it is then
Speaker 1: our job to make them agree with us, instead of
Speaker 1: actually listening to what it is they're saying and really
Speaker 1: giving it, you know, the context that's necessary for us
Speaker 1: to have empathy for what they're saying. Recently, there was
Speaker 1: the former First Lady was on tour for her book
Speaker 1: and talked about how she felt that it was not
Speaker 1: a good idea to be friends with your kids. She
Speaker 1: said that it puts you in a situation and where
Speaker 1: you you're you're at the mercy of not being liked.
Speaker 1: And I can't disagree more fervently with that. And as
Speaker 1: much as I respect her as a woman and as
Speaker 1: an accomplished person and her children appeared to be amazing
Speaker 1: young women from what I could see from my vantage point,
Speaker 1: I will say that, um, yeah, no, I think a
Speaker 1: friendship is a perfect place to learn what you need
Speaker 1: to learn from the outside world. I think that a
Speaker 1: friendship is a place that doesn't exist just to be liked.
Speaker 1: In fact, a friendship, a real one, exists in the opposite.
Speaker 1: So developing a bond and a friendship with your children
Speaker 1: does not exist outside of the boundaries that person would
Speaker 1: make as a parent. It's like it's you have boundaries
Speaker 1: with your friends too, So at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: if you're functioning and healthy friendships. You can model that
Speaker 1: same healthy friendship with your children. If you can't model
Speaker 1: a healthy friendship with your children, you should probably be
Speaker 1: looking at the health of the friendships that you have
Speaker 1: outside of that, because they're probably toxic too. So I
Speaker 1: think it's important to um just be open and listen
Speaker 1: because first of all, listening to your children doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you are easy on them. Listening to your children
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries. Listening to your
Speaker 1: children doesn't mean that you are coddling them. Listening is
Speaker 1: just listening, but understanding. You are listening so you understand
Speaker 1: the person who you are having a relationship with. But
Speaker 1: to Michelle Obama's defense, that was just a very black
Speaker 1: boomer thing to say you're fifty fifty. When you're a
Speaker 1: boomer parent, you're one or the other. Either you decide
Speaker 1: to have that mentality or you are a friend. And
Speaker 1: that's just just recognized that's her age group and like
Speaker 1: a game before anybody beats me up about it, like
Speaker 1: I can disagree with Michelle Obama and still here to respect.
Speaker 1: I think that's part of the problem that we have
Speaker 1: here and now is that we think that people aren't
Speaker 1: certain people are not to be disagreed with publicly. And
Speaker 1: that's not true. That's not how you grow, that's not
Speaker 1: how you spoke, calm station. Right. But we have we
Speaker 1: have to we have to get there, just like we
Speaker 1: get into where we're listening to the kids. Right. But
Speaker 1: I love that. I mean, just thank you again, um
Speaker 1: tomorrow because I appreciate you even you know, asking that.
Speaker 1: And I'm you know, wary to give advice, advice because
Speaker 1: your children or your children m and you got to
Speaker 1: exist and get in there and you know, got getting
Speaker 1: in the mud with them, you know, and and see
Speaker 1: how the idea of getting in the mud with where
Speaker 1: they are, you know. Um, not that you ask me,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna throw this in here, and I hope
Speaker 1: it was beneficial to you what I've taken to doing lately.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure something I'll come up with something else later. Um,
Speaker 1: just to try to make sure I connect with this
Speaker 1: new person who has his own interests in friends and
Speaker 1: you know, uh, all these things on new things is
Speaker 1: I'll just go wherever he is and be if that
Speaker 1: that means I'm looking through my phone or it means
Speaker 1: I'm reading a book or it means I'm watching. I'll
Speaker 1: watch whatever he's watching, you know. I just want to
Speaker 1: be near him, and then I try to It's not
Speaker 1: that it's hard, but throw a little touch in there too,
Speaker 1: you know. Just I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, you know.
Speaker 1: So you know, maybe that's an hour or two, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think about it that way.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel the vibe, and when it's time
Speaker 1: to roll, I roll, you know, I'm like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: got stuff to do, but just be in the space.
Speaker 1: That's really nice for us. I always feel a little
Speaker 1: more connected when I'm just like kicking it with him.
Speaker 1: We don't even have to be doing the same thing,
Speaker 1: but I'm in I'm in the space with you. You're
Speaker 1: getting to know him the way you would a human being,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. You're observing and getting to
Speaker 1: know him. Don't you think maybe that when kids are little, right,
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time looking at them. Yeah, we do,
Speaker 1: and then eventually we stopped looking at them, and then
Speaker 1: we stopped seeing them, you know, And it's like, and
Speaker 1: then all we see is this reflection of what we
Speaker 1: have done and whether we have been successful as parents
Speaker 1: rather than just seeing this other human beings, you know,
Speaker 1: and if you just really be looking just looking at them.
Speaker 1: I love that you said put it in the touch,
Speaker 1: because again, we stopped touching each other after a while.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. You have an infant, you have a toddler.
Speaker 1: You're picking them up all the time, and you're touching
Speaker 1: them all the time. They can't pee, they can't bathe,
Speaker 1: they can't do nothing without you touching them, and eventually
Speaker 1: you go some time without touching mm hmm. I love that.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's more simple and more settled than we think. Right, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm off with the simplicity of things, and
Speaker 1: I'm not believing in keeping things as simple as possible.
Speaker 1: Then they have to be convoluted. You know, we're talking
Speaker 1: about love. We're talking about we're talking about love. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for leaving that message. We're gonna
Speaker 1: take a quick break and then we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: All right, who nets? Who got next? Hi? I just
Speaker 1: wanted to say that, um. So, first of all, my
Speaker 1: name is Trista, and I just wanted to say that
Speaker 1: your podcast, UM titled The New Effort, was so profound
Speaker 1: and it really resonated with me because in two thousand
Speaker 1: and sixteen, I have my own hybroid surgery. Um, I
Speaker 1: have my own my own mactomy, and it was a
Speaker 1: life changing event. Um. I just was not prepared, and
Speaker 1: in retrospect, I really should have done my research on
Speaker 1: how to nourish my body as it was healing in
Speaker 1: and all of the things that would come with the surgery.
Speaker 1: And I just wanted to tell you all that I
Speaker 1: appreciate the work that you're doing, um putting me your
Speaker 1: experiences out there, because I know at least two or
Speaker 1: three of my sister friends have had my own ecdomy.
Speaker 1: And I will tell you that as a black woman,
Speaker 1: the first thing that you're told by a doctor that's
Speaker 1: not of color um is or you need to get
Speaker 1: a hysterectomy. And I was still in my thirties when
Speaker 1: I had my my own ectomy, and it was just
Speaker 1: no way that I was going to do that. And
Speaker 1: so I just really appreciate all that you're doing and
Speaker 1: getting the word out there that we need to educate ourselves,
Speaker 1: because I put it off for so long, you know,
Speaker 1: and not really normal what was going on with me
Speaker 1: until I finally had to get surgery, and so I
Speaker 1: thank you all so much for what you all are doing,
Speaker 1: and keep up the beautiful work. Take care, be blest.
Speaker 1: Oh that was dope. Yes, yeah, I mean our club
Speaker 1: is big. Shoot, since I did that story, I didn't shoot.
Speaker 1: I got a whole new thirties something year old neighbor
Speaker 1: and while I was recuperating, she was like, Oh, my
Speaker 1: sister is on her her six months. She's just about
Speaker 1: to get the clear and I am about to schedule. Mind,
Speaker 1: I was like, good God, outlaw is this club? Girl?
Speaker 1: This club is like one in five. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's a one in five. STIs pretty much short, dis concerning,
Speaker 1: but it's good to know this community. Y. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it's it's so concerning. I know. I'm like, why are
Speaker 1: they wanting us back and forth? Thank you for sharing?
Speaker 1: Like yah, oh yeah, I look for people. I want
Speaker 1: to hear more about this Kamala Harris task Force. As
Speaker 1: we move into three, I hope she comes outside more
Speaker 1: and tells us about what's going on with that come
Speaker 1: on outside Kamala epidemic levels. At this point, we agree, agreed,
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a it's a public health emergency, and
Speaker 1: they don't forget they come back. I was listening to
Speaker 1: her talk about her thirties. I was like, well she
Speaker 1: got him in her her thirties, A good chance they
Speaker 1: you know, ten years later they're big. So luckily I'm
Speaker 1: doing this word you know a few years but hopefully
Speaker 1: if you use before menopause. But thank y'all, thank you
Speaker 1: all for let me do that. So we figured research
Speaker 1: research is the thing, then huh things about research stand visions?
Speaker 1: Who do we let research us? You know, it's getting
Speaker 1: the research. Who's gonna do it? That's why I was
Speaker 1: looking forward to this whole task force situation, I mean
Speaker 1: led by assist hopefully I know, with some some black
Speaker 1: female doctors involved, like you know, I'm always looking for him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we need that know goodness, good night? Yeah, Yeah, yeah
Speaker 1: I can assist. Hell shout out to my my sister Tera,
Speaker 1: who's working in government to get more to get you know,
Speaker 1: with the black doctors and whatnot, so we can get
Speaker 1: more data. But at the same time making black people
Speaker 1: feel comfortable enough to want to give the data, because
Speaker 1: that's our thing, rightfully. So yeah, because you're always fighting
Speaker 1: that battle between like trying to be preemptive and taking
Speaker 1: care of yourself, but then that distrust about who you
Speaker 1: trust to take care of you, are you gonna get
Speaker 1: the care that you need? And it's and it's just
Speaker 1: such a tough tough place to be in as as
Speaker 1: as a black person and a person of color, particularly
Speaker 1: around being a black woman. You know, our specific experience
Speaker 1: is just so hard to figure that out. And even
Speaker 1: in some instances, and I want to put this out here,
Speaker 1: I've had friends who had a terrible experience with a
Speaker 1: black female doctor. They didn't get the care they needed
Speaker 1: till they moved on to a non black doctor. So
Speaker 1: sometimes I think there's a there's some there's always this
Speaker 1: thing about just finding who has your best interest their hearts.
Speaker 1: You want to have that cultural sensitivity, but you also
Speaker 1: want people who are not you know, um invested in
Speaker 1: this kind of traditional way to approach. I hope that's
Speaker 1: a super minority, Lord, Please let that be a super minority.
Speaker 1: Good goodness, Mark. Yeah, I mean I think obviously, again
Speaker 1: we don't want to speak in general general terms. Yes,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be some situations where people don't act as expected, okay,
Speaker 1: but and we generally do want doctors who have the
Speaker 1: same lived experience as us, because we know that that
Speaker 1: gives them a heads up when they're when they're having
Speaker 1: certain conversations with us. But but you know, I think bigger,
Speaker 1: even bigger than than that, that we have to feel
Speaker 1: comfortable enough to first want to involve ourselves. Black women
Speaker 1: have such a crazy history about being experimented on and
Speaker 1: in the medical industry and how our bodies have been used.
Speaker 1: So I think for us, we have to feel a
Speaker 1: confident that our participation is not going to end and exploitation.
Speaker 1: So that's just, you know, a hard pill to swaller,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't and we gotta fight for ourselves because
Speaker 1: people don't believe it's I literally like, y'all, this is
Speaker 1: so crazy having this conversation. I literally was talking to
Speaker 1: one of my best friends on the phone who's been
Speaker 1: going through some health challenges. She was telling me. She
Speaker 1: was like, I'm be telling these doctors that there's something
Speaker 1: bigger going on with me. I can't have cancer and
Speaker 1: seals here one day and it's going on. It's something bigger,
Speaker 1: But they are not listening. And I'm like, damn, you
Speaker 1: gotta come you become your own medical advocate. And it's
Speaker 1: so yeah, so, but but be vigilant. I'm saying, stay vigilant, y'all.
Speaker 1: Be that. Do do that. If you feel something a right,
Speaker 1: speak on it and and until you know I'm speaking,
Speaker 1: until it's addressed it. It's so tough because every time
Speaker 1: system here, you know, I just had to, you know,
Speaker 1: try to to to see my gun in college just recently,
Speaker 1: and I'm on a waiting list, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: They're like, I can see you in April. Y'all. Hear
Speaker 1: this word, and you ain't no first time. Just ain't
Speaker 1: your first time going to see this doctor? Right, That's
Speaker 1: usually the way for the first time visits. You know,
Speaker 1: it can be that way. It can key exactly that way.
Speaker 1: And urgent care, you know, you know I've got my
Speaker 1: history with with urgent care, you know. So you know
Speaker 1: it's like going to different communities. You've gotta get on
Speaker 1: We're back on getting on the bus. We're back to
Speaker 1: getting on the bus going to a whole other community,
Speaker 1: a whole other neighborhood's urgent care. Because you can't just
Speaker 1: go to the ones that are in your neighborhood. You
Speaker 1: gotta move around if you want a second opinion, And
Speaker 1: you should get a second opinion. It's sometimes a third
Speaker 1: opinion as well, and it seems like urgent care is
Speaker 1: the only way to get um. It ain't immediate care,
Speaker 1: but it's it's better than waiting five months, four months.
Speaker 1: It turns to see somebody I ain't never had urgent
Speaker 1: care twys each waite though, I'm like, that's interesting. I've
Speaker 1: had limitations with urgent. But we're talking about long term
Speaker 1: care here, not that's not you can't sleep you were
Speaker 1: considered yeah, emergency yes, long term no, you know, but
Speaker 1: even once you get once you you know, there's so
Speaker 1: many The point is there's many challenges. So that's the thing,
Speaker 1: So that there's the challenges finding the find first of all,
Speaker 1: being comfortable enough to seek the care, then finding the
Speaker 1: cared in the quality of care. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: care listening to me, right, and then you're so many hurdles,
Speaker 1: so many hurdles before you're actually being And that's why
Speaker 1: we're at this epidemic level where it's like, this is
Speaker 1: why we're here. That's how we got there. We didn't
Speaker 1: just stumble and we can't stumble unto it. You know,
Speaker 1: it's really and that's why You can't throw out a
Speaker 1: promise like that and not back it up. So we
Speaker 1: need to back it up. Please back it up. It
Speaker 1: is we're dying out here, and we're living lives that
Speaker 1: are not the lives we want to live. We're living
Speaker 1: with pain, we're living with discomfort, We're living with things
Speaker 1: that are absolutely causing other issues and they may not
Speaker 1: have come out yet, but trust and believe we're not
Speaker 1: having foreign objects in our bodies and in our uteruses
Speaker 1: and not having other problems that are associated with it.
Speaker 1: You're not about to tell me that. Yeah, make sure
Speaker 1: when you go to the doctors, you know, ask them
Speaker 1: to look for five roids. Yeah, be as specific as
Speaker 1: you possibly can. You know, like I don't. If you
Speaker 1: don't feel right, I's something that's not your cycling. Ain't cycling.
Speaker 1: If your cyclane cycling and it feels off, come on,
Speaker 1: you know you better than anybody else. That's all. As
Speaker 1: I'm saying, fight for yourself. I know it sucks, but
Speaker 1: it is. We only got one body. Girl. One of
Speaker 1: one exam said, bo oh, shall we move onless? That's heavy? Hello,
Speaker 1: this is Kishana and I just finished listening to y'all.
Speaker 1: Y'all business and I had to say something I reflected immediately.
Speaker 1: I felt it all in my body when I heard
Speaker 1: the story of the grandmother and grandmother was my father.
Speaker 1: My father stood me in front of the congregation when
Speaker 1: I was thirteen years old, just from learning that I
Speaker 1: was pregnant. He just learned that I was pregnant. And
Speaker 1: I can hear you all saying, oh, there's a preacher's
Speaker 1: kid being a preacher's kid. Well, I was a thirteen
Speaker 1: year old innocent. I definitely did what I did consensually.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what I was doing. It was my
Speaker 1: very first time having sex, and I had to tell
Speaker 1: my mom and my dad that I was pregnant. My
Speaker 1: dad stood me in front of the church and says,
Speaker 1: anyone that has any thing negative to say, keep it
Speaker 1: to yourself. Tishana has a village. She will be supported.
Speaker 1: That didn't stop and they say, as they didn't stop
Speaker 1: him from grabbing me on the way to the restroom
Speaker 1: to speak something negative into my ears. But it was
Speaker 1: the support of my father and my mom who told
Speaker 1: me that this is your child, and you will take
Speaker 1: care of this child. And I'm your mother and I'm
Speaker 1: going to show you how it was that village, my
Speaker 1: sisters and my brother who did everything that they could
Speaker 1: to make sure I kept going in the direction that
Speaker 1: I wanted to go in and supported me and being
Speaker 1: the mother that I am today. Anyway, this show is
Speaker 1: yah y'all business. Today. I have an amazing son who's
Speaker 1: a college graduate, who was a married, lovely example of
Speaker 1: a man, and I'm a yah yah of four years.
Speaker 1: And I remember that that first announcement that I would
Speaker 1: be a mimi was the best appreciation I had to
Speaker 1: God for turning that thing around that happened to me
Speaker 1: when I was thirteen. Congratulations, Asia, this is going to
Speaker 1: be the most amazing journey. God bless you. Who I
Speaker 1: didn't know he's gonnahead to bust to tell shoes. Yeah, man,
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to hear that that was someone else's
Speaker 1: experience too, that there was support and love. I'm so
Speaker 1: happy to hear that because I grew up as a
Speaker 1: Jehovah's witness and I'll never forget the day. And you know,
Speaker 1: I'm only speaking for this particular experience, but this was
Speaker 1: it was remarkable to me. There was a young girl
Speaker 1: we were standing on the corner came then I watched
Speaker 1: hours in the wakes because that's what we did. Huh
Speaker 1: and um, there was a girl from our congregation. I
Speaker 1: didn't know her, but you know I saw around and
Speaker 1: she walked by and she was pregnant and I spoke,
Speaker 1: but nobody else did, and I got, you know, a
Speaker 1: little um. Some one of the sisters grabbed me by
Speaker 1: my my wrist and said, we don't speak to her
Speaker 1: and I said why and they were like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: she's she's pregnant. And I was like, well, isn't this
Speaker 1: when she needs everybody the most. That was the day
Speaker 1: I decided I wasn't going to be a Jooh's witness. Wow. Wow, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was the day because I just felt like, it's
Speaker 1: it's it's not right to shun someone when they need
Speaker 1: you the most, you know, especially at a young person
Speaker 1: like a child. There there's everything in their life is
Speaker 1: about to change and you know they need guidance and that.
Speaker 1: I love that lunch. I'm gonna you're gonna be a mother,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna show you how that was. That's the
Speaker 1: part in which my body became affected by that. But
Speaker 1: she said how you're gonna be a mother? I'm gonna
Speaker 1: show you how how how do you know? How do
Speaker 1: you know how to so many levels to this, how
Speaker 1: do you know how to be a mother? If nobody
Speaker 1: shows you, right, I don't care how old you are, Right,
Speaker 1: then then there's this thing where the shame and the
Speaker 1: the attempt of people, and that it was in church
Speaker 1: that that the dad went. We'll talk we'll talk another
Speaker 1: time about why he felt he needed to go to
Speaker 1: the church to say, don't say nothing slicked to my
Speaker 1: daughter right the place where she was supposed to be
Speaker 1: loved and where it should have been no question that
Speaker 1: was going to be loved. Why did you have to
Speaker 1: make a statement in front of those people, as the
Speaker 1: pastor the people who should have been praying for her,
Speaker 1: the people who should have been ever her. Why would
Speaker 1: you didn't have to correct them, pre correct them. But
Speaker 1: we'll talk about that another time. But my point is
Speaker 1: that I feel like, you know, and she's this woman
Speaker 1: is not the only person that had reached out to
Speaker 1: me about this, about their their experiences with being supported
Speaker 1: at times, you know, when particularly around being pregnant. We
Speaker 1: like to blame women. We like to shame and blame
Speaker 1: same and blame, shame and blame women for everything that
Speaker 1: happens in their lives. Everything, it's the shame and blame.
Speaker 1: Got yourself pregnant, You got yourself, yourself yourself, and it
Speaker 1: be the people who posed to be so their relationship
Speaker 1: with the all for giving, the most giving, the most
Speaker 1: loving entity and in their universe. And then this be
Speaker 1: the energy they want to come to you with a woman,
Speaker 1: a person who you and I both know doesn't get
Speaker 1: Every woman, every person born female, does not get the
Speaker 1: opportunity to give birth, Every female born body doesn't necessarily
Speaker 1: do that. So when it happens, it's something that we
Speaker 1: should all support because we are all invested in the
Speaker 1: health and the beauty of that child, not just the body,
Speaker 1: not just the body that does it. All who witness
Speaker 1: are responsible, All who witness are needed. You're not throwing
Speaker 1: this in here. You may not agree, UM, but I
Speaker 1: I fully believe this that when did you find out
Speaker 1: that someone that's very young and very unprepared um, financially, emotionally,
Speaker 1: mentally for what's happening, um, for pregnancy. You're not happy
Speaker 1: about it? So I don't want to I don't want
Speaker 1: to get you. I don't I'm not I'm not because
Speaker 1: because being a parent is a lot and um, taking
Speaker 1: care of someone outside of yourself is a big job,
Speaker 1: and it seems unfair that somebody is so young would
Speaker 1: have to take on that kind of responsibility. So you're
Speaker 1: not happy about it, but you've got to grow up.
Speaker 1: This is what has occurred, and now that person has
Speaker 1: needs support and love and they have to they have
Speaker 1: to learn how to do this thing. It's not optional.
Speaker 1: I mean, children coming into the world requires sacrifice. And
Speaker 1: so when when a child is coming to the world
Speaker 1: and then that reflects the sacrifice that needs to be
Speaker 1: by others, there you know they're not gonna be happy
Speaker 1: about it, even in even in the sacrifice of whatever
Speaker 1: the vision was that they had for that person's life.
Speaker 1: They're looking at the young person who they you know,
Speaker 1: are looking at We we tend to look at young
Speaker 1: people and we have dreams for them. We dream a
Speaker 1: thing for them, and then when they have babies and
Speaker 1: they're young, a lot of times we feel that dream
Speaker 1: has to die. And so therefore we have a disappointment
Speaker 1: that sometimes outweighs even the difficulty and disappointment that they
Speaker 1: may have. So there's a there's a lot that we
Speaker 1: project in that moment, you know what I mean, that's
Speaker 1: that's necessary and unnecessary, but you know from the from
Speaker 1: the reality of it, and the things that aren't necessarily
Speaker 1: reality is because everybody's experience will not be the same.
Speaker 1: You know, some of our grandmothers were fourteen and fifteen
Speaker 1: and sixteen years old, and had that not happened, we
Speaker 1: wouldn't be here. Um. And that's not saying that at
Speaker 1: that age you're ready, because the truth of the matter
Speaker 1: is that, uh that when you're young and you have
Speaker 1: not fully developed you know all those things. You know.
Speaker 1: In my situation, my daughter has grown. I want to
Speaker 1: continue to say that, but I do recognize that for
Speaker 1: people when they are asked to step up and be
Speaker 1: there for someone who was very young in that experience,
Speaker 1: that it takes them seeing things from a certain point
Speaker 1: of view. But I just want to shout out to
Speaker 1: Kashawna's parents and to her father in particular, who was
Speaker 1: brave enough and had enough loving him two understand that
Speaker 1: his disappointment whichever whatever that was, was not the most
Speaker 1: important item on the agenda for that day. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: the disappointment was not the most important factor. You have
Speaker 1: the right to be disappointed. You have the right. You've
Speaker 1: invested time, energy, love into a young person and young
Speaker 1: woman and young man. You've invested that time. You have
Speaker 1: the right to feel to disappointed. But it, like A
Speaker 1: just said, it is not the most important factor. Cool
Speaker 1: with the y'all y'all business. More conversation after the break.
Speaker 1: I think we got another one. Go ahead. My name
Speaker 1: is Myra and I just listened to y'all y'all business,
Speaker 1: and I can't think Asia enough. I'm a new mom
Speaker 1: and while I'm twenty eight years old, my parents have
Speaker 1: been really hard on me for having a baby while
Speaker 1: I'm not married. And just hearing Asia really bringing to
Speaker 1: the room the societal pressure is that we placed on
Speaker 1: each other, and just her accepting her daughter really did
Speaker 1: something for me. Um. I didn't know I needed to
Speaker 1: hear this episode as much as I did, And I
Speaker 1: thank you so much for just calling out the pressures
Speaker 1: and how you have to show up for your child.
Speaker 1: They're having a child themselves because of the depression that
Speaker 1: they go through. I resonate with that, and while I'm
Speaker 1: working through it now, I just I can't say thank
Speaker 1: you enough. I had my son at thirty eight. I
Speaker 1: think that's all I was. And I was not expecting
Speaker 1: or happy about being a single mother. I didn't see
Speaker 1: that coming. I never saw that for me. First line,
Speaker 1: I never saw me having a child in the first place.
Speaker 1: But then to actually have to be a single mother,
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I wasn't. Like that kind of blew my mind.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things that happened, you know, when
Speaker 1: you when you have a child, A lot of the emotions,
Speaker 1: the hormones, silk making built you're making milk, like, that's
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? So many things that are
Speaker 1: going on inside of your body, inside of your your
Speaker 1: mind and body experience all of the things. And I
Speaker 1: was thirty eight and financially, you know, to it capable.
Speaker 1: I'll go it capable, financially capable of doing the things.
Speaker 1: And I had to go get myself together. I had
Speaker 1: to go get myself together. The disappointment was so much. Now,
Speaker 1: imagine being you know, thirteen four, to imagine being someone
Speaker 1: that's still living at home with their parents and have
Speaker 1: never really experienced, um being out on the world on
Speaker 1: their own. Now they had the responsibility of taking care
Speaker 1: of someone else who is so tiny, somebody else who
Speaker 1: really can't take care of themselves at all. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: you know, like putting yourself in that position is a
Speaker 1: lot take take a moment, I think, yes, you know,
Speaker 1: I yeah, I would say this. You know, Mara talked about,
Speaker 1: you know, being unmed, being unmarried. It hurts me that
Speaker 1: a twenty eight year old grown ass woman has to
Speaker 1: feel some kind of way about having a baby and
Speaker 1: not being married like that upsets me, Like I'm actually
Speaker 1: I'm upset, okay, because that that bothers me so much
Speaker 1: because again it's the the shame and blame. Right, we
Speaker 1: talk about this situation where it's like no one is
Speaker 1: saying and I hate this thing that happens in our
Speaker 1: community with y'all glorifying baby mama's and you no a
Speaker 1: nobody glorifying nothing. We are allowing. We are asking people
Speaker 1: to love one another and to be in community with
Speaker 1: one another. That's when staying toxic relationships for the sake
Speaker 1: of for the sake of a child. Girl, Listen, let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. Many many of our ancestors and
Speaker 1: the women that have come before us stayed married, and
Speaker 1: we're in situations with men that they should never have
Speaker 1: been in just so that they didn't have to be
Speaker 1: unmarried with a baby and feel that shame and feel
Speaker 1: that shame. It's like, I need us to wake up then,
Speaker 1: And there's a lot of women it's fine. I just
Speaker 1: had this conversation with somebody the other day was talking
Speaker 1: about their their thirty year old cousin who was really
Speaker 1: concerned about finding a husband. She really wants to be
Speaker 1: somebody's wife, like And some of that comes from your
Speaker 1: boomer parents who got together in their twenties and built
Speaker 1: them a beautiful home and had their two children, and
Speaker 1: you know, and so you look at that, and that's
Speaker 1: the way you Yeah, I can say this, whatever way
Speaker 1: that your life is designed, whatever way your life is designed,
Speaker 1: is going to be a mixture of things that you
Speaker 1: have prayed for or asked for, or one to the
Speaker 1: desired things you intentionally did and curveball that you could
Speaker 1: have never seen coming. And at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: we are all dealing with a mixture of those three things.
Speaker 1: And if we approach any other person without the proper
Speaker 1: grace and humility that should come from doing that, then
Speaker 1: you are most definitely on the wrong side of history.
Speaker 1: Everybody knows this about me and mine because I don't
Speaker 1: play that ship of humanity. We're not doing that today.
Speaker 1: But we gotta got to remember that when people like
Speaker 1: her parents, and I think that's the best advice you
Speaker 1: can give her in that way too. It's kind of like,
Speaker 1: you know, not for nothing, girl, live your life, because
Speaker 1: the life that they were taught to live is not
Speaker 1: the true life of happiness. And that's what you know.
Speaker 1: That's not your past, that's not everybody don't have the
Speaker 1: same path of happiness. However, Yes, fifty years ago we
Speaker 1: were told that this plus this equals this and that
Speaker 1: will bring happiness. That's not the case no more. I
Speaker 1: don't know if it ever was the case. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Why don't we all just start being honest with these
Speaker 1: young women women women I called to you in this moment.
Speaker 1: Be honest with the young women in your life. Stop
Speaker 1: lying to them, Stop lying to yourself. The life that
Speaker 1: you are requiring them to live, not only did you
Speaker 1: not live it, but nobody that you know lived it, okay,
Speaker 1: And you are pressing a ideal of phony and fake
Speaker 1: ideal onto young people that you know they can never
Speaker 1: ever live up to. And when they find out, they're
Speaker 1: gonna be mad at you. And I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: right now, these young millennials, these gen zs, not the
Speaker 1: young millennials, not the ones that's forty, These young millennials
Speaker 1: and these gen zs, they are finding out that y'all
Speaker 1: have lied to yourselves, and they're mad at you. Or
Speaker 1: they've been lied to too, That's what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: they've been lied too too, So like you can be mad,
Speaker 1: but everybody's been lied to. It all come from somewhere,
Speaker 1: so it don't be but so mad because it comes
Speaker 1: from an over generation. Don't take it out on them
Speaker 1: like that because they took the ship for you. Like,
Speaker 1: come on, everybody be paid where everybody you got the information,
Speaker 1: You got the knowledge, all right, go ahead and do
Speaker 1: better share because the sharing will free you. It really will.
Speaker 1: It will really free you. You know, there used to
Speaker 1: be a joke back in the day about um girl.
Speaker 1: It was like, you know, it's just a joke. You know,
Speaker 1: girls will joke about say yeah, how many partners have
Speaker 1: you had? And they're like, you mean, how many how
Speaker 1: many boyfriends have I hadked or how many relationships have
Speaker 1: I had? Or that would be the joke, Like we're
Speaker 1: not gonna talk about partners. We're gonna talk about actual relationships.
Speaker 1: My thing is like this, whatever you have used, really
Speaker 1: think about the things that you've done to rationalized behavior
Speaker 1: that you hold shame about, to rationalize that way that
Speaker 1: you say things and you hold things because of your
Speaker 1: own particular shame, and be really careful not to project
Speaker 1: that onto other people, especially young people, because it's not
Speaker 1: theirs to carry. They'll have their own stuff to carry.
Speaker 1: Just try to be mindful about allowing them to carry
Speaker 1: your stuff. Okay, you made a mistake, Just be honest
Speaker 1: about it when they're making a mistake. Don't get all
Speaker 1: angry and turned up because you're still mad about your mistake.
Speaker 1: M h Just do whatever you can do to show
Speaker 1: love and compassion and humility, like humble yourself. Humble yourself
Speaker 1: to yourself, m hmm, it's really okay, it's really okay.
Speaker 1: And to my brother's out there, to my brother's out
Speaker 1: there that are constantly in your mind. You have like
Speaker 1: some sort of standard in your mind that you have
Speaker 1: made up in your brain about what you think the
Speaker 1: best kind of woman is. Right, I want you to stop,
Speaker 1: because your mama is not that she's not the auntie
Speaker 1: is not that your sister is not that. Everybody is
Speaker 1: a human being and they're living this life. I wish
Speaker 1: I had that button. Don't we get the last one agent?
Speaker 1: And you might not deserve that. Just today I talked
Speaker 1: to an old friend and her mother is um fully
Speaker 1: sanctified and all the good things, you know, quote unquote.
Speaker 1: And she found a picture of her mother sitting with
Speaker 1: a group of people, old picture, and her mother had
Speaker 1: a cigarette in one hand and a drinking another. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: and it looked like she was having a good Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: don't get me wrong. Mother's mother's and aunties and everybody
Speaker 1: get to change. Hey, listen, if you do that, if
Speaker 1: the pastor made the down and you just change your life,
Speaker 1: just don't forget it's it's not it's fine. You ain't
Speaker 1: got to be the same person at forty that you
Speaker 1: are at twenty. It's not even possible. Come on, shout
Speaker 1: out to Kareema. She had already always kept her truth
Speaker 1: around here and always said to me, I tell you know,
Speaker 1: if I could have waited, I had you twenty eight.
Speaker 1: But lord, you know, if I could have waited, let
Speaker 1: me say the life not to say I have any
Speaker 1: regrets about you, However, life could have been different. I
Speaker 1: like the album Beautifully Human for a reason, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like we out here, we're living, We're
Speaker 1: experiencing life, and there will be changes. There will be
Speaker 1: highs and thows, like my my sister friends here have said,
Speaker 1: and it will be curve balls that you don't expect.
Speaker 1: But life is poor the living, and it's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: Remember that. Remember that when you're when you're listening to
Speaker 1: a young person, Remember that when you're listening to an elder.
Speaker 1: Remember that when you're somewhere in private listening to yourself.
Speaker 1: The update also is just for all the listeners. The
Speaker 1: update is that my grand baby has come into the
Speaker 1: world healthy. On October nineteen, two thousand and twenty two, one,
Speaker 1: Mr Reverie was born. And she is absolutely fantastic and
Speaker 1: her mother is an absolutely fantastic mother, and she did
Speaker 1: the damn thing and I was so proud of her,
Speaker 1: and I'm still proud of her, and I will always
Speaker 1: be proud of her. And sometimes I'm still gonna let
Speaker 1: her ask know what it is because she's my daughter
Speaker 1: and she's my friend, and I keep it real with
Speaker 1: my daughter and my friends and my daughter friends, and
Speaker 1: that is what it is. I love y'all, seriously, my family.
Speaker 1: There was something in me. Just here. I hear a
Speaker 1: loud clapping to clapping from his simmer. So you be
Speaker 1: proud of you hate your creating. She was so in
Speaker 1: the mix. She because she remains in the mix, so
Speaker 1: in the mix. And I'm proud to have had her
Speaker 1: as a mother and I just a girl. It's a thing.
Speaker 1: It is a whole thing. It's a thing to see
Speaker 1: a thing be full circle. To see my child give
Speaker 1: birth in a room that she has known since she
Speaker 1: was two years old. To stand there and watch my
Speaker 1: grandchild come into the world, to actually watch her come
Speaker 1: into the world like I saw that, you know, and
Speaker 1: to have helped my daughter through that process is everything
Speaker 1: I can't you know. And I have other daughters. This
Speaker 1: might not be the first time, it won't be the
Speaker 1: last time, god willing, but I'm telling you that first
Speaker 1: time that was everything. That's everything. So yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: feel grateful, deeply grateful, And I'm grateful for my whole
Speaker 1: village and everybody who takes time to to be there
Speaker 1: for all of us. So thank you, Auntie Jill and Auntil.
Speaker 1: Yeah for the lovely love that y'all have given this process.
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing your experiences women, sister friends, Thank
Speaker 1: you for sharing your experiences. You you. I grow because
Speaker 1: of you, and I know because of you, and I
Speaker 1: noticed like like a childhood like you know, elementary rhyme,
Speaker 1: but it's it's it's real ship. It's just real ship.
Speaker 1: I love it said, he said, you got the ways
Speaker 1: of words. Shout out to edge. You do? You do?
Speaker 1: You do? Shout way of explaining things because girl, whether
Speaker 1: in elementary school, rhyme or prose or whatever, it's all beautiful.
Speaker 1: Thank you so so much. I appreciate good, appreciate you guys.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ill
Speaker 1: the podcast and as always we have conversations, just spark conversation.
Speaker 1: Appreciate it. How do you eat an elephant? One by it? Kind? Hey, listeners,
Speaker 1: it's Amber the producer here. As you can tell, we
Speaker 1: love hearing from you, whether it's a comment on a
Speaker 1: social media post or a voicemail in our inbox. We
Speaker 1: love to hear from you. Give us a call anytime
Speaker 1: at eight six six, hey jail and leave us a message.
Speaker 1: Talk to you soon. Hi, if you have comments on
Speaker 1: something that you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill,
Speaker 1: if you want to add to this conversation that's eight
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Speaker 1: tell us your name and the episode you're referring to.
Speaker 1: You might just hear your message on a future episode.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill.
Speaker 1: The podcast JA dot Ill is a production of I
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