WEBVTT - Why You Never Feel Good Enough (And How to Change That) with Dr Julie Smith 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.279 How can someone get out of the trap of people pleasing? 0:00:03.600 --> 0:00:06.080 The difficulty is not necessarily just with the word no, 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:08.680 it's with all the feelings that come with it. 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:11.280 Julie, you are a clinical psychologist and one of the 0:00:11.320 --> 0:00:14.400 original therapists to discuss mental health issues on social media. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.960 Your first book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:19.920 Is an international bestseller, and your new book is Open 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:22.680 When a companion for life's twists and turns? Is there 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:25.680 a way to turn comparison into something that's positive and 0:00:25.800 --> 0:00:26.639 useful in our life? 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:30.080 If your comparison turns into you feeling terrible, that's no 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:32.960 good for you. Whereas if the comparison turns into a 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:35.800 plan of action, that's a pretty good skill to have. 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:39.440 It's basically turning comparison into admiration and education. 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:43.000 If you're not asserting your own desires or wishes or 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:47.200 needs and then resenting your partner or your friend fulfilling 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:48.559 the space for you. 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:50.479 And then it comes back to, Okay, well what do 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:50.840 you want? 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:54.080 I'm Rady Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:58.000 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:02.280 for raw, unfielded conversations celebrate vulnerability and allow you to 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:06.520 tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Julie, 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:08.520 thank you so much for being here on a really 0:01:08.560 --> 0:01:11.760 good cry. You're a clinical psychologist and one of the 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.759 original therapists to discuss mental health issues on social media. 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.720 You've built a social media community of over ten million people, 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.760 which is incredible because it shows how so many people 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:23.560 want to grow and be better. Your first book, Why 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:26.560 Has Nobody Told Me This Before, is an international bestseller 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:28.520 and has solved over a million copies. 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:29.520 That is incredible. 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:32.640 And your new book is Open When a Companion for 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:35.080 Life's twists and turns. And honestly, I love the name 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:37.039 of the book and as soon as I opened it up, 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:39.360 I was like, this is like an emergency talkit for 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:41.319 anybody at any stage of their life. So thank you 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:42.720 so much for writing the book, and thank you so 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:43.399 much for being here. 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:44.240 I'm so excited. 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:46.280 Thank you. I'm really excited to be here too, So 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:47.240 thanks for having me. 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:48.480 So tell me how. 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:50.520 I just want to start off by asking how did 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:54.840 you begin this journey like one obviously becoming a clinical psychologist, 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:58.360 but then to take that information and share it online. 0:01:58.600 --> 0:02:01.000 What connected you to and made you want to go 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:03.040 into that platform. 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:03.480 I think in some ways. 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:05.520 So I worked in the NHS for about ten years, 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:09.080 and when I had two of my now three children, 0:02:09.120 --> 0:02:11.320 I realized I couldn't do it all, not well anyway. 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:13.520 So I decided to leave the NHS, take a break 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.440 from that for a while, and run just a really 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:18.000 small private practice, mostly so that I could control my 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:20.600 own time and work that around the children and stuff. 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:22.640 And it was during that time that I was seeing 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:27.760 people who were coming along who didn't necessarily need long term, 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.959 in depth therapy, but once they had the educational stuff 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.600 that went with therapy, so learning about how their mind works, 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:36.560 how they could impact on their own mood and their relationships, 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.840 they found some of that information so empowering. They were 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:43.320 raring to go, and they were kind of saying, do 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:44.600 you know what, I think I'm going to be all right? 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:47.040 I think I can cope with what comes ahead, comes up, 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:50.360 you know what life throws at me. So I just 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:53.360 kept saying to my poor husband, Matt, they should be 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:55.600 more available. People shouldn't have to pay to come and 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:57.919 see someone like me to find out how their own 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:01.200 mind works. Right, So he kind of said, well, go on, then, 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:04.080 make it available. Oh god, I don't think you're going 0:03:04.160 --> 0:03:06.799 to solve that for me. So yeah, we made a 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:10.760 few really terrible YouTube videos and stuff, and at the 0:03:10.760 --> 0:03:14.760 same time, then this huge rise in short form content 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:17.800 was happening, and maps go with TikTok and there were 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:20.160 loads of kids on there. There was lots of kind 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:22.000 of dancing and comedy and stuff, but then there were 0:03:22.040 --> 0:03:25.760 also these people expressing their distress and about their mental health. 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.600 But there didn't seem to be any decent education in 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:31.440 response to that. So he said, well, why don't we 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:34.760 do some bite size videos? And my initial response was 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.480 absolutely not. We will just get trolled out of there 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:40.360 or people just won't listen. You know, how can I 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:43.760 be How can I give anything that's really useful in 0:03:43.840 --> 0:03:46.120 sixty seconds these things that I would take half an 0:03:46.120 --> 0:03:49.160 hour to talk about in therapy. But it became quite 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:52.040 a creative challenge. We decided to just let's give it 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:53.960 go and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:58.000 work out. And it worked out within yea. Within like 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:00.320 a week or two, there were just people emailing and 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:02.680 contacting us saying, what's the next step to this? 0:04:02.960 --> 0:04:04.960 What if I apply this to that and can you 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:05.600 do a vide on this? 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:07.880 And we realize, oh my gosh, this is reaching real 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:11.720 people and impacting them enough that they're willing to, you know, 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:13.320 get in contact and ask more questions. 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:14.360 So we just carried on. 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:17.280 Wow, well, Matt sounds like a great supporter in everything 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:19.240 you do. Yeah, it's very nice to have. 0:04:19.480 --> 0:04:20.880 Yeah, it's definitely the two of us. 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:25.240 I mean, yeah, he still has his own business, but 0:04:25.640 --> 0:04:26.839 we kind of do that in the evenings. 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:28.640 What's put the children to bed? Do? We then kind 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:30.120 of make videos and stuff like that. 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:32.120 It's also so sweet that you guys get to do 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:34.840 something where you know, you're you know, it's an active service. 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.640 You're helping other people together. Can I imagine that even 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:39.680 for your relationship. Is such a beautiful thing to have 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:42.760 between you, where your spare time is spent helping other 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:43.520 people together. 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:44.200 Yeah. 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:47.159 And really, because I'm quite a sort of introvert, shy person, 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:49.840 I was really comfortable doing the one on one in 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:52.000 the therapy room, doing what I knew I was good at. 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:53.800 So all this idea of kind of being a very 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:56.960 public person was way out of my comfort zone. And 0:04:57.000 --> 0:04:59.680 so the thing that really made it happen was the 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:03.039 real lifezation that with all this feedback coming through that 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:06.000 it's having a positive impact. So whenever I was a 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:07.800 bit tired of it, we kind of said, well, when 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:10.159 we're not having a positive impact anymore, will start. 0:05:10.640 --> 0:05:12.400 Yes, but here we are. 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:15.479 How many that was we started in twenty nineteen. 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:20.680 That's amazing, congratulations, what a feet And really would love 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:23.360 to go through your new book because I think there's 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:26.200 so many incredible moments in them. I picked out a 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:29.120 few of the areas that connected with me and just 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:32.320 for everybody to give context. The book open when essentially 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:35.080 goes through different points in your life where you might 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:37.159 need to open the book. So whether it's when you 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:39.880 feel unwelcome and want to fit in, when they don't 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:42.240 love you back, when you doubt yourself and want to 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:44.600 feel more confident, when you're overwhelmed. 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:47.240 These are just a couple of the topics that you've 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:47.840 covered in there. 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:50.280 But I want to start with when you compare yourself 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:52.880 and come up shorts because I think that it is 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:55.360 something all of us do at some point in life, 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:58.440 if not through our whole entire life. Well, the first 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:00.000 thing I thought when I read it was can compare 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:02.359 Garson be healthy in some way, Like, is there a 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:05.719 way to turn comparison into something that's positive and useful 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:06.440 in our life? 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:06.800 Yeah? 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.760 And I think that's a major key to why I 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:12.480 included that chapter in the book, And because it's something 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:15.200 that happens to everybody. We all experience it because it's 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:18.039 what humans do. And yet when you go on social media, 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:21.440 the thing you see most is just stop comparing yourself. 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:23.760 Just don't do it because it makes you feel bad. 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:26.800 And it's sort of like, well, if we do that naturally, 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:29.600 that's because there's a function to it, and there really is. Right, 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:33.719 if you never assessed what other people around you are doing, 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:36.880 or what kind of morals they have or how they're living, 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:40.360 then you would become a pretty terrible community member, right. 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:44.800 And so our ability to compare ourselves to the people 0:06:44.800 --> 0:06:48.120 that we live amongst and ensure that we're, you know, 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:52.120 doing the right thing or keeping in in line with 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:57.200 that community and their own values, then it makes us 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.719 a decent human being to live around. And I think 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:05.640 what happens is when comparison becomes detrimental is when we're 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:08.880 making the wrong comparisons. So often, when we're comparing ourselves 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:11.720 to the wrong people or for the wrong reasons, or 0:07:11.720 --> 0:07:15.560 we're comparing something that can't really be changed, so you know, 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:19.120 you might see what on social media, it's usually you're 0:07:19.120 --> 0:07:22.320 comparing yourself to someone that you wouldn't have even known 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:25.880 existed before social media, right, someone who's not on a 0:07:25.960 --> 0:07:28.520 level playing field, has a completely different start in life, 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:32.920 completely different resources and set up, and usually the part 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:35.920 you're seeing of them is a very curated image that's 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:38.120 not even representative of what they're really like when they 0:07:38.160 --> 0:07:40.280 wake up in the morning, all of those sort of things. 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.680 So it's just not a decent, fair comparison to make. 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:47.320 And you often comparing things that can't be changed, you know, 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:52.600 like I don't know your personality or certain talents or 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:55.400 how you look or those kind of things, and so 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.360 that is going to lead to really dark places or 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:01.800 you know, some time. Other comparisons that can be really 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:05.880 unhelpful as well, I think, are comparing yourself to people 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:08.440 that you're supposed to be in a relationship with, be 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:12.400 that family, friends, partners. As soon as you do that, 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:14.280 as soon as you start to compare yourself to someone 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.840 that you're trying to have some sort of relationship with, 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:21.160 you kind of put a scoreboard between you two, and 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:27.120 that means then whenever you experience a victory that's maybe 0:08:27.200 --> 0:08:30.360 seen as a loss on their part, or whenever they 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.480 experience a personal victory, then you feel bad about it 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:35.800 or you feel like that means that you're somehow less 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:38.800 than them more that kind of thing, and that's so 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:42.760 disruptive to the relationship, right because you're suddenly in competition 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:45.520 as opposed to being on the same team and nurturing 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:46.920 each other and supporting each other. 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:49.000 So many things came into my head while you were 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:51.440 saying all those incredible things. The first thing was, it's 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:55.080 so interesting, isn't it, how we as humans will fixate 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:57.320 on the things that we can't control over the things 0:08:57.320 --> 0:08:59.600 that we can control, And alway, think about that because 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:01.520 when you say, you know, there are so many things 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:05.559 where you're comparing yourself, you know, against people or situations 0:09:05.600 --> 0:09:08.079 that you were never put in, like you didn't have 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:11.240 the same start as that person did. And so many 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:15.040 times we're fixated and can completely obsess over these parts 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:17.960 of our life that we can't control, which takes away 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:20.280 all the energy to actually be able to put into 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:22.080 the parts of our life that we can control and 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:25.360 feel good about. And you know, one I wonder why 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:28.280 we have that psychology because in my mind, I'm like, 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:30.040 when it makes more sense for us to focus on 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:32.360 the things that we feel like we can control and 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:35.280 that we can change in our life. So why do 0:09:35.320 --> 0:09:37.720 you think it is that we end up doing the 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.760 opposite and kind of put ourselves in a position where 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:41.960 we actually feel helpless. 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:45.040 I think we just have that ability and that tendency 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:49.120 to compare, But your brain only has so much information 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:51.280 to go on, and so it won't necessarily be as 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:54.480 refined as only comparing against things that are helpful, you know. 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:57.400 And that's where we have to sort of be aware 0:09:57.440 --> 0:09:59.920 of it and take. 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:01.360 Of our attention in that way. 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:04.080 And so when you know you're comparing yourself in a 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:08.120 way that is having a negative impact, then shifting the 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:10.760 sort of trajectory of your attention towards things that are 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:13.800 helpful and because actually you can use that skill to 0:10:13.800 --> 0:10:17.600 be able to compare to your advantage hugely, you know, 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.520 if you I don't know, let's say you want to 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.680 get better at public speaking, and you know, if you 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:27.840 sort of compare your just beginning in your journey and 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:31.080 you compare yourself to someone who's towards the latter end 0:10:31.120 --> 0:10:33.480 of their journey, so they've mastered it all, they've had 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:36.720 all the achievements, and you make that comparison, that's generally 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:39.960 going to be fairly unhelpful because you're going to feel 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:42.679 like you're just it's unachievable, it's so far to go. 0:10:43.160 --> 0:10:46.200 Whereas if you take someone who might be, you know, 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:48.640 half a dozen steps ahead of you, and they do 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:52.520 something well that you are specifically trying to improve on, 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.720 then you can hone in on that very concrete, specific 0:10:56.840 --> 0:10:59.760 thing and you can analyze it so you can kind 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:02.439 of earn that sort of envy into inspiration. 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:04.559 Really, so, how do they do that thing really well 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:05.679 that I want to do really well? 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:07.319 And you can break it down and you can be 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:10.120 very concrete about it, and then you turn that comparison 0:11:10.520 --> 0:11:12.760 into an action. And I think that's the real key 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:17.000 is if your comparison turns into you feeling terrible, culling 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:19.720 up on the sofa, wishing you as someone else, that's 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:22.480 no good for you orreas if the comparison turns into 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:25.680 a plan of action so that's actually going to improve 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:29.880 your life, then that's a pretty good skill to have. 0:11:30.200 --> 0:11:32.319 Yeah, I know, I was thinking while you were saying 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:36.079 that that it's basically turning comparison into admiration and education, 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:39.560 Like you're turning it into Okay, how can I really 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:42.959 admire this person? Actually, what I'm feeling is admiration because 0:11:42.960 --> 0:11:45.120 their skill set is incredible and I want to be 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.080 at that level. But then how can I get to 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.520 that level? It's education, so I also learn from that 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:52.439 person and turn them into a teacher rather than somebody 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.240 that I am trying to become. How can I also 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:58.199 become just as good as them by learning from the 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:00.480 steps that they've taken because they are so far ahead 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.000 of me in that game, you know. I think sometimes 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:08.480 comparison can get to a very toxix stage, which is envy, 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:11.000 and I think there's jealousy, which is where you're like, 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:12.760 you know, I really want to be like that person, 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:15.160 and I think they're great and I want to be 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:17.800 like them, But then envy is kind of like I 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:19.280 want to be like them, but I also don't want 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:22.200 them to have it. And if there is someone who 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:24.480 is at their stage of feeling quite envious about other 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:26.800 people and feeling really down about their life, what are 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:30.360 some practical steps that people can take to turn away 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:32.680 from that envy or really train their mind away from 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:33.360 that mindset. 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:39.120 I think that often happens when people become slightly detached 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:42.079 from their own values, or maybe they just aren't really 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.560 aware of what those are. So you're so focused on 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:46.960 looking to others for how you should be living your 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:50.000 life or what you should be working towards, and without 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:52.360 really questioning whether that's going to be any good for you. 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:56.080 There's a really great exercise that I used to do 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:59.360 in therapy with people that I continue to do on 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:02.360 a regular base myself, and that's because it's just really 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:05.080 centering and really helpful, and it's really simple. So you 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.440 can get a piece of paper and you just split 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:10.040 the piece of paper up into lots of different boxes, 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:11.840 and each one is a different area of your life. 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:19.240 So you might have health, marriage, parenting, friendship, education, lifelong learning, 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:21.040 whatever it is, all of those different things, all the 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.240 different parts of your life, and then in each box 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:27.200 you fill in some words about what matters most to 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:29.320 you in that area of your life. So not you 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:31.240 what you want to get, not what you want to 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:33.920 happen to you, but how you want to show up 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:35.520 the kind of person you want to be in that 0:13:35.600 --> 0:13:38.080 area of your life in good times and bad, and 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:40.800 then from there you get this idea of it might 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:43.000 be a few words or sentences, but it's this kind 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:45.600 of vision of how you want to be living. 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:47.960 So you kind of rate then each box. 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:49.920 I would rate it out of ten, really crude, So 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:51.440 like you know, ten out of ten is the most 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:54.160 important thing to me, zero not at all. And you 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.319 get all those scores and then you rate them again, 0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:59.160 but this time how much I feel I'm living in 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.560 line with those values that I've just set out in 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.320 the last couple of weeks or the last month. And 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:07.160 then what you get is these scores that show you 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:11.120 which way to put your attention. So if something if 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:13.600 you scored something as ten out of ten important to you, 0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:15.920 let's say your health, it's ten out of ten important 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:18.640 to you, but you've then put it as two out 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:20.400 of ten in terms of how much you're living in 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:23.000 line with the values you just set out. Then it's 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:25.400 just a really good indication of this area of your 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.120 life needs your attention. And I think you have to 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:30.359 be careful not to turn it into self criticism. 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:32.480 Yes, because the. 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:35.040 Key is that Okay, there are so many different areas 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:38.120 of your life. You can't score ten out of ten 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:41.440 on everything all of the time. So life will pull 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:44.120 you in different directions. So let's say if I have 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.920 a big project on at work or you know, releasing 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:48.760 the book things like that, I get really busy and 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:51.720 there's lots going on and probably not doing all the 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:53.400 sort of parenting things that I want to be doing 0:14:53.480 --> 0:14:55.920 at that time, and so that score might go down, 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:57.240 and this one might be really high. 0:14:57.440 --> 0:14:59.080 But that's just an indication of me to. 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:01.040 Go, Okay, now I know where I need to go 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:03.400 for the next few months and just really nurture this 0:15:03.440 --> 0:15:06.680 side of my life and health and things like that 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:09.280 might come up as well. So it just enables you 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:13.480 to just keep not necessarily balanced, because that suggests that 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:16.240 you're kind of everything's perfect. It's more of a harmony 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:20.360 of movement or just being aware of where you're being 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.920 pulled away from that matters to you so that you 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:24.920 can return to it. And so when we look at 0:15:24.960 --> 0:15:28.280 that in terms of envy, I think we can easily 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:31.920 get caught up in envy without realizing that that thing 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.720 that looks shiny and great, maybe it isn't all it's 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:37.000 cracked up to be. But also maybe it doesn't even 0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:40.680 feature on our own values list. You can get caught 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:42.840 up in a feeling and then when you look at 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:45.560 your values sometimes it can bring you back to center 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.080 and make you realize, well, actually that was kind of 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:51.480 not warranted or proportionate. It was just a moment of 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:55.000 seeing something that looked pretty for a while or shiny 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:58.760 and created that desire for a moment that doesn't really feature. 0:15:58.880 --> 0:16:00.800 Also, I think when you do thatctice, which by the way, 0:16:00.800 --> 0:16:02.760 I think is incredible, I think you then end up 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:05.480 seeing where you feel disheartened in your life and where 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:08.600 you feel like you feel disconnected. And often where we 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:10.680 feel like we're failing in our own life is where 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:15.120 we end up comparing ourselves to in other ways with 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:15.680 other people. 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:17.040 And so actually, if you. 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:19.720 Focus on what do I feel discontent and in my 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:22.600 life right now, because usually when you feel discontent is 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:25.960 when you end up having negative thoughts or those envious 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.400 or geedosis. That's how that's if I think about myself, 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:30.400 those are the times that I felt I had those 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:33.800 negative thoughts about other people. It's when I'm actually not 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.200 focusing on the things that I want to not achieving, 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:38.520 the things that I want to putting in, the energy 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:40.440 in the places I want to, being distracted in the 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:44.520 spaces where I shouldn't be, and then I feel disappointed 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:46.760 with myself. And because of that, I then see other 0:16:46.760 --> 0:16:50.280 people succeeding in areas, but I also don't see the 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:53.000 work that they're putting in and the time that they're 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:54.880 putting in and the energy they're putting into the right 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:57.840 areas in their life. And so for me, it's always 0:16:57.840 --> 0:17:00.520 been a good indication of when I feel envy or 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:03.600 jealousy or anything like that, where am I feeling discontent 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:04.280 in my own life? 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:07.320 Yeah, And I think that's a real sort of misconception 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.760 out there that when you have an uncomfortable emotion that 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:12.760 you're supposed to get rid of it, or that it 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.479 says something about you that you're even feeling it, And 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.879 it doesn't is information, you know, it's your brain saying, 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:21.280 hang on, look at this for a minute. And so 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:23.240 if we're willing to that's a lot of what happens 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:28.000 in therapy actually is taking people from judging themselves for 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.240 even experiencing an emotion to just letting go of the 0:17:31.320 --> 0:17:34.440 judgment and then turning back towards that feeling with curiosity, 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:37.720 wasn't that interesting that feeling came up? What's going on there? 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.880 What's the context around that? And so, like you say, 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:45.120 whether it's envy or jealousy or anything else, you're then 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:48.439 free to look at Okay, well, does that indicate that 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:51.520 there's something I need to work on for myself? So 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.880 that I would feel a bit better about that? And Yeah, 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:59.280 it's just so so much more productive to connect with 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.680 emotions in that way rather than try to numb them 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:05.000 or judge ourselves for having them. They're not who we are, 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.960 They're an experience, and so when we're willing to look 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.159 at them in that way, it's so much easier to 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:13.399 learn from them and use all the advantages that they 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:13.840 bring us. 0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:15.480 Yeah, you said this in the book, and I really 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.480 liked it. You said, resentment is not a reflection of 0:18:18.480 --> 0:18:20.800 what the world owes you, it's a sign of what 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:23.119