Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. We are doing a
Speaker 1: fun episode today, something a little bit different than what
Speaker 1: we normally do, but I promise we are definitely not
Speaker 1: skipping any of the psychology behind this week's topic, and
Speaker 1: that topic is how to have better first dates in
Speaker 1: your twenties. I think dating in our twenties, let's not
Speaker 1: kid ourselves, feels like a little bit of a minefield
Speaker 1: because there is no right or wrong way to do it,
Speaker 1: and honestly, a lot of people don't really know what
Speaker 1: they want. They don't know what they like, they don't
Speaker 1: know what they're looking for. It feels like there are
Speaker 1: a million choices out there and yet no one, no
Speaker 1: one available, no one left single at the same time,
Speaker 1: and then there is the actual act of going on
Speaker 1: the dates also sometimes a nightmare, especially first dates, when
Speaker 1: you don't really know someone beyond maybe a couple of messages.
Speaker 1: Often a lot of us find it easier to just
Speaker 1: not go, to just not deal with the hassle then
Speaker 1: have to sit through another person telling us about their
Speaker 1: job and their work and their favorite color. But I
Speaker 1: also have a different perspective for you. I think dating,
Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, is meant to be fun, is
Speaker 1: meant to give you good stories. And I truly believe
Speaker 1: that going on dates, seeing what you like and don't
Speaker 1: like the kind of people that are out there, is
Speaker 1: actually going to help you learn so much more about yourself.
Speaker 1: I will say for the record, I am very much
Speaker 1: in a relationship, the best relationship of my life. But
Speaker 1: before I met him, I went on I think more
Speaker 1: first dates than I can count. Some of them were wonderful,
Speaker 1: some of them were absolutely terrible. Some of them were
Speaker 1: awkward and confusing, Like we all have those horror stories, right.
Speaker 1: But I think despite all of that, I have never
Speaker 1: not had fun. I have never once left a date
Speaker 1: being like that was a waste of my time. Because
Speaker 1: my mindset towards dating, first dates in particular, is that
Speaker 1: no matter what they think, no matter what the outcome is,
Speaker 1: no matter whether this person is the one, you are
Speaker 1: there for an experience and nothing more. And I've learned
Speaker 1: a few things about how to have really amazing first dates,
Speaker 1: ones that are memorable and exciting and sweet and most
Speaker 1: of all just really really fun. So for all of
Speaker 1: you out there in the trenches of single life and
Speaker 1: dating right now, maybe you've just hit a bad run
Speaker 1: of awful dates. You're never getting asked on second dates,
Speaker 1: you're not actually enjoying yourself, and you're being beginning to
Speaker 1: really like question whether this is a waste of your time.
Speaker 1: This episode is for you. I've got ten tips for you,
Speaker 1: and let me say this first. Take this advice or
Speaker 1: leave it. Some of this is practical, it may not
Speaker 1: apply to you. But also regardless of what anyone says,
Speaker 1: and that includes myself, the most important factor is you know,
Speaker 1: not formulaic. It's not based on how you dressed. It's
Speaker 1: not based on how many good stories you tell, how
Speaker 1: much you drink, where you're going, the location. The key
Speaker 1: to really good first dates is just your authenticity. Someone
Speaker 1: who is confident in who they are, regardless of whether
Speaker 1: someone else likes them back. Regardless of whether someone else
Speaker 1: thinks they're attractive or funny or intelligent, whatever, you're always
Speaker 1: going to have more success and have better first dates,
Speaker 1: or at least be more discerning if you are confident
Speaker 1: and if you know what you're looking for. That's because
Speaker 1: I think A you're not pretending to be someone that
Speaker 1: you're not, and therefore you're not expending all of this
Speaker 1: energy into a character or a PERSONA. You know you
Speaker 1: want to actually find someone who likes you for you
Speaker 1: if you're looking for long devity, and you're not going
Speaker 1: to get that by putting on an act, because you
Speaker 1: won't be comfortable, you won't feel secure. And B I
Speaker 1: think authenticity is also attractive. It is the most attractive
Speaker 1: part of a person, their own self assurance and who
Speaker 1: they are, where they belong, the treatment they deserve. Not
Speaker 1: everyone is going to be the love of your life.
Speaker 1: There will be some bad eggs, some kind of frogs
Speaker 1: that you have to kiss, but they are just part
Speaker 1: of the story. I think That's what I always say,
Speaker 1: the tapestry of your twenties and who cares if they're
Speaker 1: not the one? They give you something interesting to talk about,
Speaker 1: because right now, I think, especially during this decade, you
Speaker 1: should be the love of your life. The relationship you
Speaker 1: have with yourself is the most important one you are
Speaker 1: ever going to have ever, so it's not worth compromising
Speaker 1: that just to receive the validation or acceptance of someone
Speaker 1: you really don't know. That well, I also think dating
Speaker 1: is a bit of a game. It's a skill more
Speaker 1: than anything else, something that we get better at over time.
Speaker 1: So what are some of the ways that we can
Speaker 1: have better first dates from that perspective. From a psychological
Speaker 1: perspective as well, how can we really feel our best,
Speaker 1: feel most charismatic, represent ourselves as best as we can,
Speaker 1: and kind of be in our power, but also get
Speaker 1: what we want out of this experience. Well, I have
Speaker 1: all the tips, from the scent you wear, to the
Speaker 1: location you should choose, the nonverbal cues you should be
Speaker 1: putting out, how to leverage the power of silence and suspense,
Speaker 1: all of that and more in this episode. So, without
Speaker 1: further ado, let's get into my tips for having the
Speaker 1: best first dates in our twenties. First dates are honestly
Speaker 1: some of my favorite kinds of dates because they are
Speaker 1: both simultaneously low stakes and high stakes. At the same time,
Speaker 1: and the energy that that brings, the sense of anticipation
Speaker 1: of anything can happen, is exciting. It's really addictive. You
Speaker 1: could end the date and be like, yeah, not for me,
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna see this person again. Or you can
Speaker 1: meet the love of your life on a rainy Monday
Speaker 1: night at an Italian place and suddenly all of those
Speaker 1: lost loves, all of those failed situationships, all of those
Speaker 1: heartbreaks no longer matter. But the trick here is twofold
Speaker 1: first dates are going to be better when you go
Speaker 1: in with low expectations, So you take the low stakes approach.
Speaker 1: This is because it kind of leaves more space to
Speaker 1: be surprised rather than disappointed. If you go into a
Speaker 1: date thinking, Okay, this is it. We are going to
Speaker 1: talk for hours, they're going to confess their love for
Speaker 1: me instantly, I would say ninety nine percent of the
Speaker 1: time that won't happen, and you'll feel like the date
Speaker 1: is a failure or a waste. But if you approach
Speaker 1: it with the perspective of this is just one night
Speaker 1: of my life and I'm going to meet someone new,
Speaker 1: I'm going to get out of the house at the
Speaker 1: very least it's practice. You know, the small things are
Speaker 1: going to seem so much more exciting and you're more
Speaker 1: likely to have a better time. They've actually tested this theory,
Speaker 1: this a low stakes, low expectations approach in a number
Speaker 1: of academic studies, and one of these was using video games.
Speaker 1: So they showed that when people had really high expectations
Speaker 1: of what they were about to experience the game they
Speaker 1: were about to play, they actually enjoyed it a lot
Speaker 1: less than people who had no idea and were just
Speaker 1: kind of there to see and have fun. And the
Speaker 1: same goes for dates. Right Like, high expectations often means
Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations, which means you're probably going to you know,
Speaker 1: probably going to leave feeling a little bit defeated. Now,
Speaker 1: I think importantly there is a difference between lowering your
Speaker 1: expectations and lowering your standards. I think expectations are about
Speaker 1: whether someone is going to meet your standards, so the
Speaker 1: standards stay unchanged. We do not lower our standards, but
Speaker 1: how you kind of appraise someone else's ability to meet
Speaker 1: those standards should remain low until they prove you otherwise.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to explain this a little bit further basically,
Speaker 1: don't walk into every first date thinking that every person
Speaker 1: has it in them to treat you the way you
Speaker 1: deserve to be treated. And if they don't have it
Speaker 1: in them, if they aren't the one, that is not
Speaker 1: a reflection of you, but of them. Once again, the
Speaker 1: standards remain unchanged, but the expectations are lowered. Secondly, you're
Speaker 1: not going to get what you want out of a
Speaker 1: first day or any kind of dating like interaction unless
Speaker 1: you're clear on what you want, and maybe you don't
Speaker 1: know what you want, you just want to have fun.
Speaker 1: That is still an intention. I think we start to
Speaker 1: fear and avoid first days when we say that we
Speaker 1: want one thing and we actually expect something else. And
Speaker 1: I did a whole episode on this around dating with intention,
Speaker 1: and I think dating with intention doesn't necessarily mean that
Speaker 1: you're dating for commitment. Even if you're looking for something casual,
Speaker 1: that is totally fine. But what you need to be
Speaker 1: clear on is is that actually what I want right now?
Speaker 1: Or am I lying to myself? Am I actually clear
Speaker 1: on my intentions here? Because I think if you go
Speaker 1: into a first day expecting, you know, to fall in love,
Speaker 1: but then you accept someone who does not have the
Speaker 1: same intentions because you're kind of engaging in a little
Speaker 1: bit of delusion. It's just not going to be enjoyable.
Speaker 1: There won't be a future there. I think setting your
Speaker 1: intentions up will also help you beyond just first dates,
Speaker 1: but also in terms of an entire perspective shift on
Speaker 1: dating and what you're looking for. And I think to
Speaker 1: understand what you're looking for, you have to be clear
Speaker 1: around three questions. What do I want from this state,
Speaker 1: what do I want from this person? What do I
Speaker 1: want in the near future? And if you answer those honestly,
Speaker 1: you really do set yourself up for success. Okay, we're
Speaker 1: going to go back to our practical tips here. You've
Speaker 1: already taken a low stakes approach. Congratulations, you best believe
Speaker 1: that you know what you want. Now we're going to
Speaker 1: look at first dates in three stages, that before, the during,
Speaker 1: and the after, and what kind of behaviors and habits
Speaker 1: in each of these stages is going to leave you
Speaker 1: feeling amazing time, even if the person is, you know,
Speaker 1: I hate to say it, like a little bit of
Speaker 1: a loser, a little bit of a dud. So before,
Speaker 1: before the date, you are kind of in the process
Speaker 1: of courting this person. Maybe you have matched on a
Speaker 1: dating app, or you met at a party a few
Speaker 1: weeks ago someone's like put you in touch. The sooner
Speaker 1: between that first connection and the first date, the better,
Speaker 1: because you don't give yourself the time to, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of psych yourself out. You don't let your doubts
Speaker 1: sneak in, you don't waste your time, and you don't
Speaker 1: give yourself the chance to build up a fantasy image
Speaker 1: of this person in your head before actually getting to
Speaker 1: know them in real life. So I would say, keep
Speaker 1: the texting to the minimum here, make it plan directed.
Speaker 1: Something I always used to say when I was kind
Speaker 1: of on the apps is that I'm not looking for
Speaker 1: a pen pal. I'm not looking to chat with you
Speaker 1: for a month before we actually meet. Because compatibility and chemistry,
Speaker 1: they are only really fully recognizable and proven in person.
Speaker 1: So based on those psychological principles of attraction that we
Speaker 1: talk about all the time, we know that we are
Speaker 1: going to understand someone more like someone more when we
Speaker 1: leverage proximity, so actually being around them in person, not
Speaker 1: just familiarity that is brought through texting and such. So
Speaker 1: rule of thumb. One week of messaging and then someone
Speaker 1: has to make a move here, and that can be
Speaker 1: you just be like, hey, I have a question, When
Speaker 1: are you going to ask me out on a date?
Speaker 1: When are we going to go on a date? Get
Speaker 1: that online interaction into a real world setting asap. My
Speaker 1: next tip is you pick the place. Something I think
Speaker 1: women in particular are afraid of doing is making an
Speaker 1: explicit move or being the one to plan and decide
Speaker 1: the date. I think we hear a lot around how
Speaker 1: we should expect someone else to take the lead, because
Speaker 1: if they wanted to, they would. I think that's a
Speaker 1: great principle to hold. But honestly, and maybe this is controversial,
Speaker 1: I think that really feeds into some quite outdated norms
Speaker 1: on women needing to be led or feeling as if
Speaker 1: men get to call the shots or should be in
Speaker 1: control of kind of romantic instances of like romantic connection.
Speaker 1: Maybe you like the effort, I don't know. I feel
Speaker 1: like that's also totally fine. But I am a firm
Speaker 1: believer that even if they picked the date and the time,
Speaker 1: you pick the place. And that's for a number of reasons. Firstly,
Speaker 1: you are going to feel more comfortable in a place
Speaker 1: you're familiar, with which is going to come in handy
Speaker 1: when we're talking about feeling at ease, right, you're going
Speaker 1: to feel more at ease when you're meeting someone new.
Speaker 1: If you already know where you're going and you know
Speaker 1: the place we already have, you know one thing unfamiliar
Speaker 1: that we need to adapt to. That is that new person.
Speaker 1: So let's just keep it to that, you know, let's
Speaker 1: just keep one thing unfamiliar. Number two. Like we've said
Speaker 1: from the beginning, dating should be fun. So make it
Speaker 1: fun by going to a place you already know you enjoy,
Speaker 1: so that even if it's like a shit night the
Speaker 1: conversation is bad, at least you've got to have your
Speaker 1: favorite drink or your favorite meal, or choose your favorite activity.
Speaker 1: My fail proof equation, the place should be less than
Speaker 1: a fifteen minute walk from your house. There should be
Speaker 1: other places around where you could carry on with a
Speaker 1: second activity, So like another drink, some dessert, lunch. If
Speaker 1: it goes really well, and if it doesn't go well,
Speaker 1: you know you're back home in under the hour. You
Speaker 1: don't need to commute across town. It's a fifteen minute walk. Comfort, simplicity, familiarity,
Speaker 1: those are all good signs of a first date location. Okay,
Speaker 1: so next we need to get into the mindset of dating,
Speaker 1: and this is all about cultivating our confidence. Confidence, I
Speaker 1: cannot stress this enough is like the secret ingredient to attractiveness.
Speaker 1: So they published this study in I think it was
Speaker 1: the Personality and Social Psychology Journal, and they found that
Speaker 1: confidence is a huge predictor of overall romantic attractiveness and desirability.
Speaker 1: It continuously tops the list of most desirable traits in
Speaker 1: a romantic partner. But it's also going to allow you
Speaker 1: to feel so much less anxious, and it's going to
Speaker 1: let you be in your own power and really not
Speaker 1: care about the other person's opinion of you unless it's positive.
Speaker 1: You know, you like yourself and if they like you,
Speaker 1: it's an added bonus. It's that awareness of who you are,
Speaker 1: regardless of how someone else sees you. That is where
Speaker 1: our confidence comes from. And that confidence when you are
Speaker 1: comfortable with yourself, it grants you like a certain kind
Speaker 1: of charm, a certain kind of glow or assertiveness that
Speaker 1: makes people more secure around you. It makes your date
Speaker 1: feel better, and the overall energy is also going to
Speaker 1: be better. It makes you seem more attractive. Also, one
Speaker 1: of my friends said this to me the other day,
Speaker 1: and I was like, wow, that is such good advice.
Speaker 1: This person knows nothing about you, They know nothing about
Speaker 1: your past, about who you are. You get to be
Speaker 1: who you want to be. You get to write the narrative.
Speaker 1: So sometimes the secret to a confidence boost is just
Speaker 1: to fake it till you make it. And we can
Speaker 1: do that by boosting our pre date moods. So don't
Speaker 1: wear what you think they'll like or try and predict
Speaker 1: their preferences. Wear something that makes you feel good. Also,
Speaker 1: you need a pre date pump up playlist. I used
Speaker 1: to have one. I'm going to try and remember. It's
Speaker 1: called Oh I think it was literally called butt lift,
Speaker 1: like butt lift. I don't know why. But music in
Speaker 1: these scenarios, especially like your hype songs, are going to
Speaker 1: flood your brain with dopamine. It's going to make you motivated, confident,
Speaker 1: more alert. And if that isn't getting you there, leverage
Speaker 1: the power of affirmations. If you're still feeling really nervous,
Speaker 1: feeling like you kind of want to cancel last minute,
Speaker 1: affirmations really help reduce your self limiting beliefs, your fears
Speaker 1: that maybe the date will suck, maybe they won't like you,
Speaker 1: maybe it will be a dud, And these affirmations shift
Speaker 1: that and put you into a mindset of confidence and openness.
Speaker 1: So these are some of my favorites personally approved. I
Speaker 1: have used them many times. I used to repeat these,
Speaker 1: like in the five minutes before I walked in the door.
Speaker 1: Tell yourself, I'm magnetic. I attract wonderful people into my life.
Speaker 1: I know who I am, I'm charismatic, I'm attractive. People
Speaker 1: are attracted to me. I know some people view the
Speaker 1: power of affirmations as a pseudoscience. Obviously, just saying these
Speaker 1: things doesn't quote unquote wish them into existence, but there
Speaker 1: is a lot of evidence that shows that the words
Speaker 1: we speak to ourselves influence the things we believe about ourselves,
Speaker 1: which in turn impacts our behavior, and it's those behaviors
Speaker 1: that create better first states. It's that assertiveness, that self
Speaker 1: assurance that it's going to make sure, whatever happens, that
Speaker 1: this person is going to walk away thinking that you
Speaker 1: definitely know your worth and you're going to walk away
Speaker 1: being like I had fun and I'm not too worried
Speaker 1: about that person's opinion. And if you're feeling nervous, I
Speaker 1: get the pre date nerves. Just tell yourself you're excited
Speaker 1: by the feeling. You're excited by this feeling. You're not fearful,
Speaker 1: you are not anxious. Anxiety and excitement they feel the same,
Speaker 1: So just tell yourself that it is that excitement that
Speaker 1: you're feeling, not that nervousness. Finally, and this might be
Speaker 1: a little bit weird, but having a first date sent
Speaker 1: is such a hack as sent a perfume that you
Speaker 1: only use on first dates. I know this sounds wild,
Speaker 1: but smell has a very unique influence on our brain,
Speaker 1: particularly our old factory cortex and the old factory bulb
Speaker 1: which is at the front of the brain. And smell
Speaker 1: can be used to que behaviors and que mindset. It
Speaker 1: is associated with memories that you can tune into and
Speaker 1: a sense of like almost like a purpose. Like if
Speaker 1: you associate a smell with good things, you associate a
Speaker 1: smell with feeling confident. That's going to mean that when
Speaker 1: you smell that scent, that is going to be activated
Speaker 1: this and it's kind of also going to activate your
Speaker 1: first date patterns. It's going to make you feel more calm,
Speaker 1: It's going to put you in the mind frame of like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to go on this state, it's going to
Speaker 1: be fun. This is my first date sent I'm locked in,
Speaker 1: I'm excited. And that smell also has a unique influence
Speaker 1: on your date as well, particularly through its influence on pheromones.
Speaker 1: So our perception of kind of like a potential partner's
Speaker 1: body odor, whether it is sweet or rich or musky, whatever,
Speaker 1: it will subconsciously influence attraction. So when we smell something pleasant,
Speaker 1: our body responds by producing hormones and chemicals in our
Speaker 1: body that tell us to rest and relax, but also
Speaker 1: neurotransmitters like oxytocin that act on the pleasure centers of
Speaker 1: our brain. So when you're attracted to someone, you're more
Speaker 1: likely to be drawn to their smell. So sometimes just
Speaker 1: knowing that you smell good gives you a boost. Knowing
Speaker 1: that smells associated with attraction makes you and be like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm already one step ahead. This person is
Speaker 1: going to like me just because I smell nice, You
Speaker 1: feel more attractive, You'll feel more appealing, and you'll act accordingly.
Speaker 1: So those are my tips for before text less, location, confidence,
Speaker 1: and smell, all of which are going to help you
Speaker 1: relax those first date jitters. But what we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about next is during the day. And during the
Speaker 1: day there's two things that we want to focus on,
Speaker 1: body language and conversation. Sometimes even the absence of conversation.
Speaker 1: I think we often focus too much on worrying whether
Speaker 1: we'll have enough to talk about, rather than what we
Speaker 1: are going to get out of this experience, what we
Speaker 1: are ready to learn about ourselves, but also about the
Speaker 1: other person, and that energy, that chemistry, that attraction flows
Speaker 1: not just through conversation but also through our non verbal cues. Obviously,
Speaker 1: conversation is important, you know, what's a date without one?
Speaker 1: You're kind of just staring at each other for a
Speaker 1: couple of hours. Intimate, not very fun. My friend Erin though,
Speaker 1: always says the five easiest topics to talk about on
Speaker 1: a first date are friends, family, work, hobbies, and the
Speaker 1: week that will That will cover you for at least
Speaker 1: an hour, so you don't have to be afraid that
Speaker 1: you're not going to have anything to say, And sometimes
Speaker 1: not having anything to say is a pretty clear indicator
Speaker 1: that this person is probably not right for you, So
Speaker 1: don't be afraid of that silence. I think sometimes when
Speaker 1: we are nervous, we bombard someone with questions, we try
Speaker 1: and fill the silence. We don't really listen to their answers,
Speaker 1: and there's no connection from that. So instead of thinking ahead,
Speaker 1: instead of trying to plan what you're going to say,
Speaker 1: except that silence is actually important. Silence is kind of
Speaker 1: like a secret weapon because we know it builds suspense,
Speaker 1: and suspense builds intrigue, it builds anticipation, it builds excitement,
Speaker 1: and that will keep someone engaged in the date. Honestly,
Speaker 1: like not to sound too deliberate, but I used to
Speaker 1: make a conscious choice to pause between every like three
Speaker 1: or four questions, not just to give someone else space
Speaker 1: to speak, which I think is important, but also when
Speaker 1: someone is waiting for you to speak next, they're interested,
Speaker 1: You have their attention, and that attention between both of
Speaker 1: you makes for a good first date. And now let's
Speaker 1: talk about body cues as well. Like I said, it's
Speaker 1: not just having a good chat, it's in the body.
Speaker 1: It's in the nonverbal communication that speaks volumes, and you
Speaker 1: can tune into that to draw someone in, to create
Speaker 1: more of that kind of intimacy and closeness and engagement.
Speaker 1: The first one is eye contact. Prolonged eye contact releases
Speaker 1: a stim in our brain that brings focus, it brings happiness.
Speaker 1: It's often associated with feelings of attraction. It's also been
Speaker 1: thought to release once again oxytocin, the love chemical, which
Speaker 1: is important for long term bonding. It's because the eyes,
Speaker 1: our eyes, they're vulnerable. It's where we see emotion, and
Speaker 1: when we continue to draw someone back to that feature,
Speaker 1: back to that part of our face, the level of
Speaker 1: contact feels deeper. Mirroring is also pretty powerful. So I
Speaker 1: don't know if you've heard about mirroring before, but it's
Speaker 1: essentially this technique where we copy the other person's body
Speaker 1: language to indicate attentiveness and interest. Obviously, golden rules still
Speaker 1: be yourself in those moments, but when we kind of
Speaker 1: copy someone else's behavior, if they lean forward, we lean forward.
Speaker 1: If they cross their arms, we cross our arms. That
Speaker 1: acts on a specific set of nerve cells called mirror neurons.
Speaker 1: So one common situation occurs when you know someone else laughs.
Speaker 1: Scientists have found that the brain responds to the sound
Speaker 1: of laughter to also prepare the muscles in our face
Speaker 1: and our vocal cords to laugh in response. Other examples
Speaker 1: of kind of mirroring or mimicking behaviors includes crossing your
Speaker 1: legs after someone you're sitting next to who does that.
Speaker 1: Or you know, when we yawn after seeing someone else yawn,
Speaker 1: even if we have no intention of doing it, even
Speaker 1: if we had no sense that we needed to yawn before.
Speaker 1: It's this really kind of powerful automatic tool that sometimes
Speaker 1: happens without us being aware of it, that when we
Speaker 1: are attracted to someone, when we're connected to someone, we're
Speaker 1: engaged with someone, we are drawn to mimic their behavior
Speaker 1: to show that we trust them and to show that
Speaker 1: we are not a threat. Okay, so during the date,
Speaker 1: rely on those nonverbal communication skills, lean in, make eye contact,
Speaker 1: mirror and also kind of unrelated. If it's not going well,
Speaker 1: I cannot stress this enough, just leave, leave. Remember we
Speaker 1: are adopting a low stakes attitude, a low stakes approach,
Speaker 1: and we don't want any negative associations between a first
Speaker 1: date and not having fun or feeling drained or bored.
Speaker 1: You don't need to be polite or worry about offending
Speaker 1: their feelings by doing what's best for you. I think
Speaker 1: that level of self assurance like no this isn't going well,
Speaker 1: I'm not here for this, I'm not having fun. It
Speaker 1: really sets you up to be more discerning in the future.
Speaker 1: It lets you reinforce your own self worth, reinforce your
Speaker 1: own confidence, your own decision making, and it stops you
Speaker 1: from wasting your time. I think normally we try and
Speaker 1: avoid that because we want other people to like us,
Speaker 1: or we want to not come off as rude. But
Speaker 1: you are there for an experience the same way that
Speaker 1: they are, and if the experience is not one that
Speaker 1: you are enjoying, you can just leave. I think that's
Speaker 1: a really important reminder. So finally, normally, when the date
Speaker 1: is done, we think, okay, well the date's done. You know,
Speaker 1: either I'm gonna get a text back or we kind
Speaker 1: of move on to the next. But I actually think
Speaker 1: their secret to having better first dates in your twenties
Speaker 1: comes from what you do after as much as what
Speaker 1: you do before and during the date. So we are
Speaker 1: going to explore all of that and more after this
Speaker 1: short break. If there is one thing I believe more
Speaker 1: than anything else when it comes to dating, it's that
Speaker 1: first impressions are not always correct. Some people may say
Speaker 1: you know when you know, you know, but I think
Speaker 1: there are a lot of the factors there. And if
Speaker 1: you're treating dating like a fulfilling experience, like something fun,
Speaker 1: sometimes you actually need to do a bit of a
Speaker 1: review on how you're feeling about the person afterwards and
Speaker 1: why that is. When you were around them, did you
Speaker 1: feel comfortable, did you actually enjoy yourself? And most importantly,
Speaker 1: was it actually a good date? Are they actually fun?
Speaker 1: Do you want to be around them? Or are you
Speaker 1: just fun? Are you just interesting? Are you just a
Speaker 1: really fun person to date? And so it makes them
Speaker 1: seem more interesting. I found that all the time when
Speaker 1: I was single, because I had such a good attitude
Speaker 1: to this that this is exciting, I'm keen to see
Speaker 1: what that's you know, what's out there and actually have
Speaker 1: a good time. I really curated and created situations and
Speaker 1: dates that were going to make the other person seem
Speaker 1: fun no matter what. And sometimes that created a first
Speaker 1: impression and they actually just weren't that way in the future,
Speaker 1: like when I got to know them more, it wasn't correct.
Speaker 1: So really ask yourself, did they ask you questions about yourself?
Speaker 1: Was that fake laughter or real laughter? How many times
Speaker 1: did you check your phone or did you check the time?
Speaker 1: Those can tell you a lot more about a date
Speaker 1: than your gut feeling, and I think if you're not sure, Honestly,
Speaker 1: sometimes I would actually just say go on the second
Speaker 1: date if they're up for it, because chances are that
Speaker 1: your first impression was based on a lot of factors
Speaker 1: that you can't really control. It's based on nerves, it's
Speaker 1: based on how you're feeling about yourself, and it can't
Speaker 1: always be trusted. I have a story for you about this.
Speaker 1: After my first date with my boyfriend, I was like,
Speaker 1: honestly convinced that I wasn't going to see him again
Speaker 1: because he gave me like no romantic signals. I know
Speaker 1: we had a good first date, but I was like,
Speaker 1: why do I feel almost bored? Like I have no anxiety?
Speaker 1: And I realized that was because he was one of
Speaker 1: the first people I gone on a date with where
Speaker 1: I had no expectations in advance. I had no anxiety,
Speaker 1: And I think that's that anxiety is often what we
Speaker 1: confuse as chemistry. And even though I was unsure of
Speaker 1: our first impression, it was the sense of like I
Speaker 1: had fun and I was at peace, and yet I
Speaker 1: feel like this isn't exciting enough. But that's because, like
Speaker 1: all those other previous situations, all those other first dates
Speaker 1: I'd gone on, I was like constantly trying to create
Speaker 1: situations in which we were having like the best time ever,
Speaker 1: rather than just letting myself relax. And I went on
Speaker 1: a second date. I'm so glad that I did. Second
Speaker 1: dates are always, I think, so much better and more
Speaker 1: meaningful and also are going to give you more information
Speaker 1: about that person, because it's like a lot of us
Speaker 1: have like that first date Vania, like that first date
Speaker 1: kind of facade, and we have our like practiced first
Speaker 1: date stories. We're trying to put on a really good
Speaker 1: image for someone this I can date. That kind of
Speaker 1: comes down a little bit. Instant chemistry is also, I
Speaker 1: think not the most important thing here. I think we've
Speaker 1: been sold this really weird narrative around love that meant
Speaker 1: you know that when you meet their one or whatever
Speaker 1: it is, it's meant to be instantaneous and there will
Speaker 1: be sparks and butterflies and passion straight off the bat.
Speaker 1: Not always true. Intimacy and connection and chemistry are things
Speaker 1: that build over time, So don't always trust your first
Speaker 1: date self to make those decisions I think post date. Also,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to text them first. Honestly, fuck the rules,
Speaker 1: fuck the games, do what feels best without trying to
Speaker 1: second guess your attentions or you know, you don't want
Speaker 1: to come off too strong. I just think that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: You know you're in this for you, so call the shots.
Speaker 1: And I think if you really like them, being like,
Speaker 1: let's do that again and getting no response, that is
Speaker 1: a response in itself, or getting a positive response is
Speaker 1: a green flag. Like at least you cut the games.
Speaker 1: At least you get it out of the way. You
Speaker 1: don't have to like constantly be judging what this other
Speaker 1: person thinks. Like I'm gonna say it again, you're in
Speaker 1: this for you, so you should call the shots. So
Speaker 1: this episode has all been about having really good first dates,
Speaker 1: maybe the best first dates of your life, maybe never
Speaker 1: needing to go on a first date again because you
Speaker 1: use these tips and you found the world. But bad
Speaker 1: dates are also unfortunately unavoidable. You've got to kiss a
Speaker 1: few frogs. As they say, some people are just not
Speaker 1: compatible because of their values, their intentions, their personality, And
Speaker 1: we can sometimes find that, you know, really exhausting, really
Speaker 1: really exhausting if you've just gone on so many dates
Speaker 1: with people and it just didn't work out and you're
Speaker 1: at the end of your tether. But I'd say, don't
Speaker 1: let the bad dates scare you away from beautiful experiences
Speaker 1: and moments in the future. We often feel the need
Speaker 1: after a bad first date to do one of two things. A.
Speaker 1: We immediately feel like we need to run out and
Speaker 1: go on another date right away, like we want to
Speaker 1: cleanse the palette, and like forget the bad memory, eat
Speaker 1: something like tasty after something foul. I think that when
Speaker 1: we do that, we don't remember what our intentions are.
Speaker 1: We are more wanting to distract ourselves from what was
Speaker 1: probably maybe a bad experience. B. I think the second
Speaker 1: thing we do is engage in the fallacy that this
Speaker 1: one bad date is somehow predictive that our next date
Speaker 1: will also be bad. That is not the case. That
Speaker 1: person's behaviors and personality, whatever it was that was unattractive,
Speaker 1: they have no correlation to what the next person will
Speaker 1: be like. So don't let that experience control your behavior
Speaker 1: or your dating life beyond what happened in that one
Speaker 1: evening or on that one date. Something I always say
Speaker 1: is it's just a good story. It's kind of like,
Speaker 1: do it for the plot. But when we reframe bad,
Speaker 1: uncomfortable experiences into something that we can see is slightly positive,
Speaker 1: you know that we're going to get a good personal
Speaker 1: anecdote from this, or that at least our friends will
Speaker 1: find it funny. We are implicitly using what psychologists call
Speaker 1: cognitive behavior training or therapy. We are altering our thoughts
Speaker 1: or our attitudes towards an event or a situation to
Speaker 1: be more positive so that we don't let our perception
Speaker 1: interrupt our future behavior. We don't let it create future avoidance.
Speaker 1: Another thing that is really common is ghosting. And you know,
Speaker 1: if they ghost you after your first date, that says
Speaker 1: more about their emotional unavailability than anything about your value.
Speaker 1: Remember who the hell you are in those moments. You
Speaker 1: are an absolute catch. You are magnetic, you love deeply,
Speaker 1: You are talented and kind and intelligent. It would have
Speaker 1: been a privilege for that person to be with you,
Speaker 1: And I feel sorry for them that they lost out.
Speaker 1: That's so disappointing for them. Bad luck to them, and
Speaker 1: so they can go on searching. And what they've given
Speaker 1: you is a gift. They've given you, the gift of
Speaker 1: letting you go, of letting you find someone better. Okay,
Speaker 1: so this was information overload. You can tell I was
Speaker 1: excited for this topic. I love living vicariously through you guys.
Speaker 1: I love living vicariously through my friends. I want you
Speaker 1: all to have amazing first dates, and I want you
Speaker 1: to tell me about them. But firstly, let's run through
Speaker 1: those tips again. First of all, limit the texting, choose
Speaker 1: the location and make the move. Prioritize confidence and comfort.
Speaker 1: Remember who you are and reaffirm that for yourself. Choose
Speaker 1: your scent, your smell to get you into the mindset.
Speaker 1: Treat your anxiety like excitement. Remember that it's not all
Speaker 1: about conversation. It's also about silence. It's also about suspec events.
Speaker 1: Make sure you use your body language, make eye contact,
Speaker 1: mirror their behavior, and debrief with yourself. How could I
Speaker 1: make this better? How could I enjoy myself more? Is
Speaker 1: this the kind of person I want? Or not? And also,
Speaker 1: don't let the bad dates hold you back. Sometimes in
Speaker 1: our twenties, it is a little bit of a numbers game.
Speaker 1: It is a little bit of trial and error. You'll
Speaker 1: find someone eventually, if that's what you're looking for, and
Speaker 1: you'll have fun in the process. Like I've said a
Speaker 1: million times in this episode, dating is meant to be fun.
Speaker 1: It's not meant to be a chore. It's not meant
Speaker 1: to be something you have to force yourself to do.
Speaker 1: You should be excited by the opportunity to meet all
Speaker 1: these new people and create stories for yourself. So I
Speaker 1: really hope that this episode has been helpful for all
Speaker 1: of my beautiful listeners out there putting themselves out there
Speaker 1: dating up a storm. I freaking love it. That is
Speaker 1: what your twenties are all about, having fun, meeting people,
Speaker 1: testing things out you go. So I want to know
Speaker 1: if you use any of these tips. I want to
Speaker 1: hear about your first dates. I want to debrief guys.
Speaker 1: I love being in a relationship, but some part of
Speaker 1: me I miss the excitement of like being single, Like
Speaker 1: I don't miss the anxiety. I think it's like the
Speaker 1: grass is always greener, right, Like you're always like looking.
Speaker 1: You know, after the experience is done, you always remember
Speaker 1: the things that at the time you didn't realize were positive.
Speaker 1: So please let me know how your dates are going,
Speaker 1: whether you use these tips, if they were successful and
Speaker 1: as always, I really hope that you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 1: If there is someone in your life who needs to
Speaker 1: hear this, please feel free to share it with them
Speaker 1: and tag us on Instagram if you're sharing it there
Speaker 1: as well. You can follow us at that Psychology podcast
Speaker 1: if you have a future suggestion for an episode, if
Speaker 1: you have some feedback, if you just want to get
Speaker 1: in touch, if you want to have a chat, all
Speaker 1: is welcome over there, And of course we will be
Speaker 1: by back on Friday for another episode, so we will
Speaker 1: see you then. MHM.