1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,640 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:31,160 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever 6 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break 8 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. We are doing a 9 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: fun episode today, something a little bit different than what 10 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: we normally do, but I promise we are definitely not 11 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: skipping any of the psychology behind this week's topic, and 12 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 1: that topic is how to have better first dates in 13 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:01,160 Speaker 1: your twenties. I think dating in our twenties, let's not 14 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: kid ourselves, feels like a little bit of a minefield 15 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: because there is no right or wrong way to do it, 16 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,480 Speaker 1: and honestly, a lot of people don't really know what 17 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: they want. They don't know what they like, they don't 18 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: know what they're looking for. It feels like there are 19 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: a million choices out there and yet no one, no 20 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:23,319 Speaker 1: one available, no one left single at the same time, 21 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: and then there is the actual act of going on 22 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: the dates also sometimes a nightmare, especially first dates, when 23 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: you don't really know someone beyond maybe a couple of messages. 24 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: Often a lot of us find it easier to just 25 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,760 Speaker 1: not go, to just not deal with the hassle then 26 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 1: have to sit through another person telling us about their 27 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 1: job and their work and their favorite color. But I 28 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: also have a different perspective for you. I think dating, 29 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:58,320 Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, is meant to be fun, is 30 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: meant to give you good stories. And I truly believe 31 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: that going on dates, seeing what you like and don't 32 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,520 Speaker 1: like the kind of people that are out there, is 33 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,920 Speaker 1: actually going to help you learn so much more about yourself. 34 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,399 Speaker 1: I will say for the record, I am very much 35 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship, the best relationship of my life. But 36 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: before I met him, I went on I think more 37 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,119 Speaker 1: first dates than I can count. Some of them were wonderful, 38 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 1: some of them were absolutely terrible. Some of them were 39 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: awkward and confusing, Like we all have those horror stories, right. 40 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,600 Speaker 1: But I think despite all of that, I have never 41 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,119 Speaker 1: not had fun. I have never once left a date 42 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: being like that was a waste of my time. Because 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 1: my mindset towards dating, first dates in particular, is that 44 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:50,360 Speaker 1: no matter what they think, no matter what the outcome is, 45 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: no matter whether this person is the one, you are 46 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:57,239 Speaker 1: there for an experience and nothing more. And I've learned 47 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 1: a few things about how to have really amazing first dates, 48 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 1: ones that are memorable and exciting and sweet and most 49 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: of all just really really fun. So for all of 50 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 1: you out there in the trenches of single life and 51 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: dating right now, maybe you've just hit a bad run 52 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,600 Speaker 1: of awful dates. You're never getting asked on second dates, 53 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,760 Speaker 1: you're not actually enjoying yourself, and you're being beginning to 54 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: really like question whether this is a waste of your time. 55 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: This episode is for you. I've got ten tips for you, 56 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: and let me say this first. Take this advice or 57 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: leave it. Some of this is practical, it may not 58 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: apply to you. But also regardless of what anyone says, 59 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 1: and that includes myself, the most important factor is you know, 60 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,680 Speaker 1: not formulaic. It's not based on how you dressed. It's 61 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 1: not based on how many good stories you tell, how 62 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 1: much you drink, where you're going, the location. The key 63 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: to really good first dates is just your authenticity. Someone 64 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: who is confident in who they are, regardless of whether 65 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: someone else likes them back. Regardless of whether someone else 66 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 1: thinks they're attractive or funny or intelligent, whatever, you're always 67 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: going to have more success and have better first dates, 68 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 1: or at least be more discerning if you are confident 69 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 1: and if you know what you're looking for. That's because 70 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,040 Speaker 1: I think A you're not pretending to be someone that 71 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: you're not, and therefore you're not expending all of this 72 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: energy into a character or a PERSONA. You know you 73 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,919 Speaker 1: want to actually find someone who likes you for you 74 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 1: if you're looking for long devity, and you're not going 75 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 1: to get that by putting on an act, because you 76 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 1: won't be comfortable, you won't feel secure. And B I 77 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:38,360 Speaker 1: think authenticity is also attractive. It is the most attractive 78 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,839 Speaker 1: part of a person, their own self assurance and who 79 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: they are, where they belong, the treatment they deserve. Not 80 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 1: everyone is going to be the love of your life. 81 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: There will be some bad eggs, some kind of frogs 82 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 1: that you have to kiss, but they are just part 83 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: of the story. I think That's what I always say, 84 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 1: the tapestry of your twenties and who cares if they're 85 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 1: not the one? They give you something interesting to talk about, 86 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: because right now, I think, especially during this decade, you 87 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: should be the love of your life. The relationship you 88 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 1: have with yourself is the most important one you are 89 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,720 Speaker 1: ever going to have ever, so it's not worth compromising 90 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: that just to receive the validation or acceptance of someone 91 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 1: you really don't know. That well, I also think dating 92 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: is a bit of a game. It's a skill more 93 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: than anything else, something that we get better at over time. 94 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 1: So what are some of the ways that we can 95 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 1: have better first dates from that perspective. From a psychological 96 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: perspective as well, how can we really feel our best, 97 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 1: feel most charismatic, represent ourselves as best as we can, 98 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 1: and kind of be in our power, but also get 99 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: what we want out of this experience. Well, I have 100 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,039 Speaker 1: all the tips, from the scent you wear, to the 101 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,919 Speaker 1: location you should choose, the nonverbal cues you should be 102 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 1: putting out, how to leverage the power of silence and suspense, 103 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,599 Speaker 1: all of that and more in this episode. So, without 104 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 1: further ado, let's get into my tips for having the 105 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:20,599 Speaker 1: best first dates in our twenties. First dates are honestly 106 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 1: some of my favorite kinds of dates because they are 107 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:27,239 Speaker 1: both simultaneously low stakes and high stakes. At the same time, 108 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 1: and the energy that that brings, the sense of anticipation 109 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: of anything can happen, is exciting. It's really addictive. You 110 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: could end the date and be like, yeah, not for me, 111 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 1: I'm never gonna see this person again. Or you can 112 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: meet the love of your life on a rainy Monday 113 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: night at an Italian place and suddenly all of those 114 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: lost loves, all of those failed situationships, all of those 115 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 1: heartbreaks no longer matter. But the trick here is twofold 116 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 1: first dates are going to be better when you go 117 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,320 Speaker 1: in with low expectations, So you take the low stakes approach. 118 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 1: This is because it kind of leaves more space to 119 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 1: be surprised rather than disappointed. If you go into a 120 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: date thinking, Okay, this is it. We are going to 121 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: talk for hours, they're going to confess their love for 122 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: me instantly, I would say ninety nine percent of the 123 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: time that won't happen, and you'll feel like the date 124 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 1: is a failure or a waste. But if you approach 125 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: it with the perspective of this is just one night 126 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: of my life and I'm going to meet someone new, 127 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: I'm going to get out of the house at the 128 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: very least it's practice. You know, the small things are 129 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: going to seem so much more exciting and you're more 130 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: likely to have a better time. They've actually tested this theory, 131 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: this a low stakes, low expectations approach in a number 132 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: of academic studies, and one of these was using video games. 133 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 1: So they showed that when people had really high expectations 134 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,120 Speaker 1: of what they were about to experience the game they 135 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: were about to play, they actually enjoyed it a lot 136 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 1: less than people who had no idea and were just 137 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,040 Speaker 1: kind of there to see and have fun. And the 138 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,040 Speaker 1: same goes for dates. Right Like, high expectations often means 139 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations, which means you're probably going to you know, 140 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: probably going to leave feeling a little bit defeated. Now, 141 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: I think importantly there is a difference between lowering your 142 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 1: expectations and lowering your standards. I think expectations are about 143 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: whether someone is going to meet your standards, so the 144 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: standards stay unchanged. We do not lower our standards, but 145 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: how you kind of appraise someone else's ability to meet 146 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: those standards should remain low until they prove you otherwise. 147 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:46,079 Speaker 1: So I'm going to explain this a little bit further basically, 148 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: don't walk into every first date thinking that every person 149 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: has it in them to treat you the way you 150 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: deserve to be treated. And if they don't have it 151 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: in them, if they aren't the one, that is not 152 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:03,080 Speaker 1: a reflection of you, but of them. Once again, the 153 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: standards remain unchanged, but the expectations are lowered. Secondly, you're 154 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 1: not going to get what you want out of a 155 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:15,960 Speaker 1: first day or any kind of dating like interaction unless 156 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 1: you're clear on what you want, and maybe you don't 157 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 1: know what you want, you just want to have fun. 158 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: That is still an intention. I think we start to 159 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: fear and avoid first days when we say that we 160 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: want one thing and we actually expect something else. And 161 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: I did a whole episode on this around dating with intention, 162 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: and I think dating with intention doesn't necessarily mean that 163 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: you're dating for commitment. Even if you're looking for something casual, 164 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: that is totally fine. But what you need to be 165 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: clear on is is that actually what I want right now? 166 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,959 Speaker 1: Or am I lying to myself? Am I actually clear 167 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 1: on my intentions here? Because I think if you go 168 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 1: into a first day expecting, you know, to fall in love, 169 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: but then you accept someone who does not have the 170 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: same intentions because you're kind of engaging in a little 171 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,199 Speaker 1: bit of delusion. It's just not going to be enjoyable. 172 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: There won't be a future there. I think setting your 173 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,319 Speaker 1: intentions up will also help you beyond just first dates, 174 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: but also in terms of an entire perspective shift on 175 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: dating and what you're looking for. And I think to 176 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: understand what you're looking for, you have to be clear 177 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: around three questions. What do I want from this state, 178 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 1: what do I want from this person? What do I 179 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: want in the near future? And if you answer those honestly, 180 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 1: you really do set yourself up for success. Okay, we're 181 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 1: going to go back to our practical tips here. You've 182 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: already taken a low stakes approach. Congratulations, you best believe 183 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 1: that you know what you want. Now we're going to 184 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: look at first dates in three stages, that before, the during, 185 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 1: and the after, and what kind of behaviors and habits 186 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 1: in each of these stages is going to leave you 187 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: feeling amazing time, even if the person is, you know, 188 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,520 Speaker 1: I hate to say it, like a little bit of 189 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: a loser, a little bit of a dud. So before, 190 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 1: before the date, you are kind of in the process 191 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,520 Speaker 1: of courting this person. Maybe you have matched on a 192 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: dating app, or you met at a party a few 193 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 1: weeks ago someone's like put you in touch. The sooner 194 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,720 Speaker 1: between that first connection and the first date, the better, 195 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: because you don't give yourself the time to, you know, 196 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: kind of psych yourself out. You don't let your doubts 197 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,319 Speaker 1: sneak in, you don't waste your time, and you don't 198 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,440 Speaker 1: give yourself the chance to build up a fantasy image 199 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: of this person in your head before actually getting to 200 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 1: know them in real life. So I would say, keep 201 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,359 Speaker 1: the texting to the minimum here, make it plan directed. 202 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 1: Something I always used to say when I was kind 203 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,560 Speaker 1: of on the apps is that I'm not looking for 204 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,160 Speaker 1: a pen pal. I'm not looking to chat with you 205 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 1: for a month before we actually meet. Because compatibility and chemistry, 206 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,560 Speaker 1: they are only really fully recognizable and proven in person. 207 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 1: So based on those psychological principles of attraction that we 208 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 1: talk about all the time, we know that we are 209 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,679 Speaker 1: going to understand someone more like someone more when we 210 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,079 Speaker 1: leverage proximity, so actually being around them in person, not 211 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 1: just familiarity that is brought through texting and such. So 212 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: rule of thumb. One week of messaging and then someone 213 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,520 Speaker 1: has to make a move here, and that can be 214 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 1: you just be like, hey, I have a question, When 215 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:40,440 Speaker 1: are you going to ask me out on a date? 216 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 1: When are we going to go on a date? Get 217 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:48,440 Speaker 1: that online interaction into a real world setting asap. My 218 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: next tip is you pick the place. Something I think 219 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: women in particular are afraid of doing is making an 220 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 1: explicit move or being the one to plan and decide 221 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,439 Speaker 1: the date. I think we hear a lot around how 222 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: we should expect someone else to take the lead, because 223 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: if they wanted to, they would. I think that's a 224 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 1: great principle to hold. But honestly, and maybe this is controversial, 225 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: I think that really feeds into some quite outdated norms 226 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,200 Speaker 1: on women needing to be led or feeling as if 227 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,760 Speaker 1: men get to call the shots or should be in 228 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: control of kind of romantic instances of like romantic connection. 229 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 1: Maybe you like the effort, I don't know. I feel 230 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 1: like that's also totally fine. But I am a firm 231 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: believer that even if they picked the date and the time, 232 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: you pick the place. And that's for a number of reasons. Firstly, 233 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 1: you are going to feel more comfortable in a place 234 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: you're familiar, with which is going to come in handy 235 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: when we're talking about feeling at ease, right, you're going 236 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: to feel more at ease when you're meeting someone new. 237 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: If you already know where you're going and you know 238 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,199 Speaker 1: the place we already have, you know one thing unfamiliar 239 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: that we need to adapt to. That is that new person. 240 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 1: So let's just keep it to that, you know, let's 241 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: just keep one thing unfamiliar. Number two. Like we've said 242 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,560 Speaker 1: from the beginning, dating should be fun. So make it 243 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 1: fun by going to a place you already know you enjoy, 244 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,400 Speaker 1: so that even if it's like a shit night the 245 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,880 Speaker 1: conversation is bad, at least you've got to have your 246 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: favorite drink or your favorite meal, or choose your favorite activity. 247 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,560 Speaker 1: My fail proof equation, the place should be less than 248 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 1: a fifteen minute walk from your house. There should be 249 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: other places around where you could carry on with a 250 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 1: second activity, So like another drink, some dessert, lunch. If 251 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 1: it goes really well, and if it doesn't go well, 252 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,480 Speaker 1: you know you're back home in under the hour. You 253 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:56,080 Speaker 1: don't need to commute across town. It's a fifteen minute walk. Comfort, simplicity, familiarity, 254 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: those are all good signs of a first date location. Okay, 255 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 1: so next we need to get into the mindset of dating, 256 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: and this is all about cultivating our confidence. Confidence, I 257 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: cannot stress this enough is like the secret ingredient to attractiveness. 258 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: So they published this study in I think it was 259 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:20,440 Speaker 1: the Personality and Social Psychology Journal, and they found that 260 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: confidence is a huge predictor of overall romantic attractiveness and desirability. 261 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 1: It continuously tops the list of most desirable traits in 262 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: a romantic partner. But it's also going to allow you 263 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 1: to feel so much less anxious, and it's going to 264 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,800 Speaker 1: let you be in your own power and really not 265 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: care about the other person's opinion of you unless it's positive. 266 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: You know, you like yourself and if they like you, 267 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 1: it's an added bonus. It's that awareness of who you are, 268 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,320 Speaker 1: regardless of how someone else sees you. That is where 269 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,000 Speaker 1: our confidence comes from. And that confidence when you are 270 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: comfortable with yourself, it grants you like a certain kind 271 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 1: of charm, a certain kind of glow or assertiveness that 272 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: makes people more secure around you. It makes your date 273 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: feel better, and the overall energy is also going to 274 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: be better. It makes you seem more attractive. Also, one 275 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,560 Speaker 1: of my friends said this to me the other day, 276 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 1: and I was like, wow, that is such good advice. 277 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: This person knows nothing about you, They know nothing about 278 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,080 Speaker 1: your past, about who you are. You get to be 279 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: who you want to be. You get to write the narrative. 280 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: So sometimes the secret to a confidence boost is just 281 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,600 Speaker 1: to fake it till you make it. And we can 282 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: do that by boosting our pre date moods. So don't 283 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: wear what you think they'll like or try and predict 284 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: their preferences. Wear something that makes you feel good. Also, 285 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: you need a pre date pump up playlist. I used 286 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: to have one. I'm going to try and remember. It's 287 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 1: called Oh I think it was literally called butt lift, 288 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: like butt lift. I don't know why. But music in 289 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 1: these scenarios, especially like your hype songs, are going to 290 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:19,240 Speaker 1: flood your brain with dopamine. It's going to make you motivated, confident, 291 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 1: more alert. And if that isn't getting you there, leverage 292 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:27,640 Speaker 1: the power of affirmations. If you're still feeling really nervous, 293 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: feeling like you kind of want to cancel last minute, 294 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:36,120 Speaker 1: affirmations really help reduce your self limiting beliefs, your fears 295 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: that maybe the date will suck, maybe they won't like you, 296 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: maybe it will be a dud, And these affirmations shift 297 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 1: that and put you into a mindset of confidence and openness. 298 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 1: So these are some of my favorites personally approved. I 299 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: have used them many times. I used to repeat these, 300 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:55,200 Speaker 1: like in the five minutes before I walked in the door. 301 00:17:55,960 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: Tell yourself, I'm magnetic. I attract wonderful people into my life. 302 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,720 Speaker 1: I know who I am, I'm charismatic, I'm attractive. People 303 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 1: are attracted to me. I know some people view the 304 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: power of affirmations as a pseudoscience. Obviously, just saying these 305 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 1: things doesn't quote unquote wish them into existence, but there 306 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,640 Speaker 1: is a lot of evidence that shows that the words 307 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,240 Speaker 1: we speak to ourselves influence the things we believe about ourselves, 308 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,440 Speaker 1: which in turn impacts our behavior, and it's those behaviors 309 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: that create better first states. It's that assertiveness, that self 310 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 1: assurance that it's going to make sure, whatever happens, that 311 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,840 Speaker 1: this person is going to walk away thinking that you 312 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: definitely know your worth and you're going to walk away 313 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: being like I had fun and I'm not too worried 314 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:55,199 Speaker 1: about that person's opinion. And if you're feeling nervous, I 315 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,919 Speaker 1: get the pre date nerves. Just tell yourself you're excited 316 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,200 Speaker 1: by the feeling. You're excited by this feeling. You're not fearful, 317 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 1: you are not anxious. Anxiety and excitement they feel the same, 318 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: So just tell yourself that it is that excitement that 319 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:15,160 Speaker 1: you're feeling, not that nervousness. Finally, and this might be 320 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,400 Speaker 1: a little bit weird, but having a first date sent 321 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,359 Speaker 1: is such a hack as sent a perfume that you 322 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 1: only use on first dates. I know this sounds wild, 323 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: but smell has a very unique influence on our brain, 324 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 1: particularly our old factory cortex and the old factory bulb 325 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: which is at the front of the brain. And smell 326 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 1: can be used to que behaviors and que mindset. It 327 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,120 Speaker 1: is associated with memories that you can tune into and 328 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,120 Speaker 1: a sense of like almost like a purpose. Like if 329 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:51,680 Speaker 1: you associate a smell with good things, you associate a 330 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,640 Speaker 1: smell with feeling confident. That's going to mean that when 331 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 1: you smell that scent, that is going to be activated 332 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,720 Speaker 1: this and it's kind of also going to activate your 333 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 1: first date patterns. It's going to make you feel more calm, 334 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,200 Speaker 1: It's going to put you in the mind frame of like, 335 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 1: I'm going to go on this state, it's going to 336 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,560 Speaker 1: be fun. This is my first date sent I'm locked in, 337 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 1: I'm excited. And that smell also has a unique influence 338 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: on your date as well, particularly through its influence on pheromones. 339 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,080 Speaker 1: So our perception of kind of like a potential partner's 340 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,920 Speaker 1: body odor, whether it is sweet or rich or musky, whatever, 341 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:34,720 Speaker 1: it will subconsciously influence attraction. So when we smell something pleasant, 342 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 1: our body responds by producing hormones and chemicals in our 343 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:42,200 Speaker 1: body that tell us to rest and relax, but also 344 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:46,639 Speaker 1: neurotransmitters like oxytocin that act on the pleasure centers of 345 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: our brain. So when you're attracted to someone, you're more 346 00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:53,560 Speaker 1: likely to be drawn to their smell. So sometimes just 347 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: knowing that you smell good gives you a boost. Knowing 348 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:00,320 Speaker 1: that smells associated with attraction makes you and be like, 349 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,280 Speaker 1: all right, I'm already one step ahead. This person is 350 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: going to like me just because I smell nice, You 351 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 1: feel more attractive, You'll feel more appealing, and you'll act accordingly. 352 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: So those are my tips for before text less, location, confidence, 353 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,359 Speaker 1: and smell, all of which are going to help you 354 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,879 Speaker 1: relax those first date jitters. But what we're going to 355 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 1: talk about next is during the day. And during the 356 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 1: day there's two things that we want to focus on, 357 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 1: body language and conversation. Sometimes even the absence of conversation. 358 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:37,359 Speaker 1: I think we often focus too much on worrying whether 359 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,920 Speaker 1: we'll have enough to talk about, rather than what we 360 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,679 Speaker 1: are going to get out of this experience, what we 361 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,199 Speaker 1: are ready to learn about ourselves, but also about the 362 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:52,639 Speaker 1: other person, and that energy, that chemistry, that attraction flows 363 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:58,920 Speaker 1: not just through conversation but also through our non verbal cues. Obviously, 364 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 1: conversation is important, you know, what's a date without one? 365 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,919 Speaker 1: You're kind of just staring at each other for a 366 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 1: couple of hours. Intimate, not very fun. My friend Erin though, 367 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,639 Speaker 1: always says the five easiest topics to talk about on 368 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 1: a first date are friends, family, work, hobbies, and the 369 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,119 Speaker 1: week that will That will cover you for at least 370 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: an hour, so you don't have to be afraid that 371 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,639 Speaker 1: you're not going to have anything to say, And sometimes 372 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,400 Speaker 1: not having anything to say is a pretty clear indicator 373 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: that this person is probably not right for you, So 374 00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 1: don't be afraid of that silence. I think sometimes when 375 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:39,920 Speaker 1: we are nervous, we bombard someone with questions, we try 376 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: and fill the silence. We don't really listen to their answers, 377 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,520 Speaker 1: and there's no connection from that. So instead of thinking ahead, 378 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 1: instead of trying to plan what you're going to say, 379 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:57,000 Speaker 1: except that silence is actually important. Silence is kind of 380 00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: like a secret weapon because we know it builds suspense, 381 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 1: and suspense builds intrigue, it builds anticipation, it builds excitement, 382 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,600 Speaker 1: and that will keep someone engaged in the date. Honestly, 383 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: like not to sound too deliberate, but I used to 384 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,920 Speaker 1: make a conscious choice to pause between every like three 385 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,639 Speaker 1: or four questions, not just to give someone else space 386 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,119 Speaker 1: to speak, which I think is important, but also when 387 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 1: someone is waiting for you to speak next, they're interested, 388 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,399 Speaker 1: You have their attention, and that attention between both of 389 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,640 Speaker 1: you makes for a good first date. And now let's 390 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,920 Speaker 1: talk about body cues as well. Like I said, it's 391 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: not just having a good chat, it's in the body. 392 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:48,080 Speaker 1: It's in the nonverbal communication that speaks volumes, and you 393 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:51,199 Speaker 1: can tune into that to draw someone in, to create 394 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:54,240 Speaker 1: more of that kind of intimacy and closeness and engagement. 395 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: The first one is eye contact. Prolonged eye contact releases 396 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 1: a stim in our brain that brings focus, it brings happiness. 397 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,600 Speaker 1: It's often associated with feelings of attraction. It's also been 398 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 1: thought to release once again oxytocin, the love chemical, which 399 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 1: is important for long term bonding. It's because the eyes, 400 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 1: our eyes, they're vulnerable. It's where we see emotion, and 401 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:25,240 Speaker 1: when we continue to draw someone back to that feature, 402 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,639 Speaker 1: back to that part of our face, the level of 403 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:34,480 Speaker 1: contact feels deeper. Mirroring is also pretty powerful. So I 404 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,200 Speaker 1: don't know if you've heard about mirroring before, but it's 405 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: essentially this technique where we copy the other person's body 406 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 1: language to indicate attentiveness and interest. Obviously, golden rules still 407 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,239 Speaker 1: be yourself in those moments, but when we kind of 408 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,439 Speaker 1: copy someone else's behavior, if they lean forward, we lean forward. 409 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 1: If they cross their arms, we cross our arms. That 410 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,200 Speaker 1: acts on a specific set of nerve cells called mirror neurons. 411 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: So one common situation occurs when you know someone else laughs. 412 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: Scientists have found that the brain responds to the sound 413 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:13,119 Speaker 1: of laughter to also prepare the muscles in our face 414 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: and our vocal cords to laugh in response. Other examples 415 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:21,159 Speaker 1: of kind of mirroring or mimicking behaviors includes crossing your 416 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,520 Speaker 1: legs after someone you're sitting next to who does that. 417 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,680 Speaker 1: Or you know, when we yawn after seeing someone else yawn, 418 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,240 Speaker 1: even if we have no intention of doing it, even 419 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,879 Speaker 1: if we had no sense that we needed to yawn before. 420 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 1: It's this really kind of powerful automatic tool that sometimes 421 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 1: happens without us being aware of it, that when we 422 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,920 Speaker 1: are attracted to someone, when we're connected to someone, we're 423 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 1: engaged with someone, we are drawn to mimic their behavior 424 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,919 Speaker 1: to show that we trust them and to show that 425 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,920 Speaker 1: we are not a threat. Okay, so during the date, 426 00:25:54,480 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 1: rely on those nonverbal communication skills, lean in, make eye contact, 427 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:07,679 Speaker 1: mirror and also kind of unrelated. If it's not going well, 428 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:13,520 Speaker 1: I cannot stress this enough, just leave, leave. Remember we 429 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: are adopting a low stakes attitude, a low stakes approach, 430 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: and we don't want any negative associations between a first 431 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 1: date and not having fun or feeling drained or bored. 432 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 1: You don't need to be polite or worry about offending 433 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: their feelings by doing what's best for you. I think 434 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:39,000 Speaker 1: that level of self assurance like no this isn't going well, 435 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 1: I'm not here for this, I'm not having fun. It 436 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,240 Speaker 1: really sets you up to be more discerning in the future. 437 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,399 Speaker 1: It lets you reinforce your own self worth, reinforce your 438 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 1: own confidence, your own decision making, and it stops you 439 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: from wasting your time. I think normally we try and 440 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,960 Speaker 1: avoid that because we want other people to like us, 441 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,359 Speaker 1: or we want to not come off as rude. But 442 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,639 Speaker 1: you are there for an experience the same way that 443 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,760 Speaker 1: they are, and if the experience is not one that 444 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:10,360 Speaker 1: you are enjoying, you can just leave. I think that's 445 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:15,119 Speaker 1: a really important reminder. So finally, normally, when the date 446 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,520 Speaker 1: is done, we think, okay, well the date's done. You know, 447 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,840 Speaker 1: either I'm gonna get a text back or we kind 448 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,120 Speaker 1: of move on to the next. But I actually think 449 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,120 Speaker 1: their secret to having better first dates in your twenties 450 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,560 Speaker 1: comes from what you do after as much as what 451 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,560 Speaker 1: you do before and during the date. So we are 452 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 1: going to explore all of that and more after this 453 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 1: short break. If there is one thing I believe more 454 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,000 Speaker 1: than anything else when it comes to dating, it's that 455 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:57,240 Speaker 1: first impressions are not always correct. Some people may say 456 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,400 Speaker 1: you know when you know, you know, but I think 457 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,320 Speaker 1: there are a lot of the factors there. And if 458 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 1: you're treating dating like a fulfilling experience, like something fun, 459 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,560 Speaker 1: sometimes you actually need to do a bit of a 460 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,239 Speaker 1: review on how you're feeling about the person afterwards and 461 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 1: why that is. When you were around them, did you 462 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 1: feel comfortable, did you actually enjoy yourself? And most importantly, 463 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: was it actually a good date? Are they actually fun? 464 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 1: Do you want to be around them? Or are you 465 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 1: just fun? Are you just interesting? Are you just a 466 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,679 Speaker 1: really fun person to date? And so it makes them 467 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,120 Speaker 1: seem more interesting. I found that all the time when 468 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,640 Speaker 1: I was single, because I had such a good attitude 469 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 1: to this that this is exciting, I'm keen to see 470 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,720 Speaker 1: what that's you know, what's out there and actually have 471 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: a good time. I really curated and created situations and 472 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: dates that were going to make the other person seem 473 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: fun no matter what. And sometimes that created a first 474 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,880 Speaker 1: impression and they actually just weren't that way in the future, 475 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 1: like when I got to know them more, it wasn't correct. 476 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: So really ask yourself, did they ask you questions about yourself? 477 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: Was that fake laughter or real laughter? How many times 478 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,880 Speaker 1: did you check your phone or did you check the time? 479 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 1: Those can tell you a lot more about a date 480 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 1: than your gut feeling, and I think if you're not sure, Honestly, 481 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:24,520 Speaker 1: sometimes I would actually just say go on the second 482 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,560 Speaker 1: date if they're up for it, because chances are that 483 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: your first impression was based on a lot of factors 484 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,640 Speaker 1: that you can't really control. It's based on nerves, it's 485 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,160 Speaker 1: based on how you're feeling about yourself, and it can't 486 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,720 Speaker 1: always be trusted. I have a story for you about this. 487 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,640 Speaker 1: After my first date with my boyfriend, I was like, 488 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,560 Speaker 1: honestly convinced that I wasn't going to see him again 489 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,360 Speaker 1: because he gave me like no romantic signals. I know 490 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,040 Speaker 1: we had a good first date, but I was like, 491 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,880 Speaker 1: why do I feel almost bored? Like I have no anxiety? 492 00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 1: And I realized that was because he was one of 493 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: the first people I gone on a date with where 494 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:07,400 Speaker 1: I had no expectations in advance. I had no anxiety, 495 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 1: And I think that's that anxiety is often what we 496 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:14,880 Speaker 1: confuse as chemistry. And even though I was unsure of 497 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:18,680 Speaker 1: our first impression, it was the sense of like I 498 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,280 Speaker 1: had fun and I was at peace, and yet I 499 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,959 Speaker 1: feel like this isn't exciting enough. But that's because, like 500 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 1: all those other previous situations, all those other first dates 501 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: I'd gone on, I was like constantly trying to create 502 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,720 Speaker 1: situations in which we were having like the best time ever, 503 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,240 Speaker 1: rather than just letting myself relax. And I went on 504 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,920 Speaker 1: a second date. I'm so glad that I did. Second 505 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 1: dates are always, I think, so much better and more 506 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:45,320 Speaker 1: meaningful and also are going to give you more information 507 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:49,920 Speaker 1: about that person, because it's like a lot of us 508 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: have like that first date Vania, like that first date 509 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:56,280 Speaker 1: kind of facade, and we have our like practiced first 510 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,480 Speaker 1: date stories. We're trying to put on a really good 511 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,959 Speaker 1: image for someone this I can date. That kind of 512 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,960 Speaker 1: comes down a little bit. Instant chemistry is also, I 513 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: think not the most important thing here. I think we've 514 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:13,400 Speaker 1: been sold this really weird narrative around love that meant 515 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 1: you know that when you meet their one or whatever 516 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,600 Speaker 1: it is, it's meant to be instantaneous and there will 517 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: be sparks and butterflies and passion straight off the bat. 518 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,600 Speaker 1: Not always true. Intimacy and connection and chemistry are things 519 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 1: that build over time, So don't always trust your first 520 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: date self to make those decisions I think post date. Also, 521 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,280 Speaker 1: don't be afraid to text them first. Honestly, fuck the rules, 522 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 1: fuck the games, do what feels best without trying to 523 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,760 Speaker 1: second guess your attentions or you know, you don't want 524 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,240 Speaker 1: to come off too strong. I just think that's ridiculous. 525 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:55,400 Speaker 1: You know you're in this for you, so call the shots. 526 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,480 Speaker 1: And I think if you really like them, being like, 527 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: let's do that again and getting no response, that is 528 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,160 Speaker 1: a response in itself, or getting a positive response is 529 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 1: a green flag. Like at least you cut the games. 530 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 1: At least you get it out of the way. You 531 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,680 Speaker 1: don't have to like constantly be judging what this other 532 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 1: person thinks. Like I'm gonna say it again, you're in 533 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:18,479 Speaker 1: this for you, so you should call the shots. So 534 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 1: this episode has all been about having really good first dates, 535 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,960 Speaker 1: maybe the best first dates of your life, maybe never 536 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 1: needing to go on a first date again because you 537 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,040 Speaker 1: use these tips and you found the world. But bad 538 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: dates are also unfortunately unavoidable. You've got to kiss a 539 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 1: few frogs. As they say, some people are just not 540 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: compatible because of their values, their intentions, their personality, And 541 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:44,000 Speaker 1: we can sometimes find that, you know, really exhausting, really 542 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,880 Speaker 1: really exhausting if you've just gone on so many dates 543 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 1: with people and it just didn't work out and you're 544 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,480 Speaker 1: at the end of your tether. But I'd say, don't 545 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 1: let the bad dates scare you away from beautiful experiences 546 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:02,160 Speaker 1: and moments in the future. We often feel the need 547 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 1: after a bad first date to do one of two things. A. 548 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: We immediately feel like we need to run out and 549 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,640 Speaker 1: go on another date right away, like we want to 550 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 1: cleanse the palette, and like forget the bad memory, eat 551 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:17,560 Speaker 1: something like tasty after something foul. I think that when 552 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 1: we do that, we don't remember what our intentions are. 553 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 1: We are more wanting to distract ourselves from what was 554 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: probably maybe a bad experience. B. I think the second 555 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:27,960 Speaker 1: thing we do is engage in the fallacy that this 556 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: one bad date is somehow predictive that our next date 557 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:37,600 Speaker 1: will also be bad. That is not the case. That 558 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:42,960 Speaker 1: person's behaviors and personality, whatever it was that was unattractive, 559 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: they have no correlation to what the next person will 560 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:50,560 Speaker 1: be like. So don't let that experience control your behavior 561 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: or your dating life beyond what happened in that one 562 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:56,760 Speaker 1: evening or on that one date. Something I always say 563 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,640 Speaker 1: is it's just a good story. It's kind of like, 564 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 1: do it for the plot. But when we reframe bad, 565 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:07,040 Speaker 1: uncomfortable experiences into something that we can see is slightly positive, 566 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:09,560 Speaker 1: you know that we're going to get a good personal 567 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 1: anecdote from this, or that at least our friends will 568 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:16,120 Speaker 1: find it funny. We are implicitly using what psychologists call 569 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:20,760 Speaker 1: cognitive behavior training or therapy. We are altering our thoughts 570 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:24,560 Speaker 1: or our attitudes towards an event or a situation to 571 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,760 Speaker 1: be more positive so that we don't let our perception 572 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,839 Speaker 1: interrupt our future behavior. We don't let it create future avoidance. 573 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 1: Another thing that is really common is ghosting. And you know, 574 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: if they ghost you after your first date, that says 575 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:44,320 Speaker 1: more about their emotional unavailability than anything about your value. 576 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:48,680 Speaker 1: Remember who the hell you are in those moments. You 577 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:53,360 Speaker 1: are an absolute catch. You are magnetic, you love deeply, 578 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:57,400 Speaker 1: You are talented and kind and intelligent. It would have 579 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 1: been a privilege for that person to be with you, 580 00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,080 Speaker 1: And I feel sorry for them that they lost out. 581 00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:06,799 Speaker 1: That's so disappointing for them. Bad luck to them, and 582 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,959 Speaker 1: so they can go on searching. And what they've given 583 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,840 Speaker 1: you is a gift. They've given you, the gift of 584 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,760 Speaker 1: letting you go, of letting you find someone better. Okay, 585 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,200 Speaker 1: so this was information overload. You can tell I was 586 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:24,080 Speaker 1: excited for this topic. I love living vicariously through you guys. 587 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,800 Speaker 1: I love living vicariously through my friends. I want you 588 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 1: all to have amazing first dates, and I want you 589 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:33,759 Speaker 1: to tell me about them. But firstly, let's run through 590 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,720 Speaker 1: those tips again. First of all, limit the texting, choose 591 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 1: the location and make the move. Prioritize confidence and comfort. 592 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 1: Remember who you are and reaffirm that for yourself. Choose 593 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:51,040 Speaker 1: your scent, your smell to get you into the mindset. 594 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,279 Speaker 1: Treat your anxiety like excitement. Remember that it's not all 595 00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,400 Speaker 1: about conversation. It's also about silence. It's also about suspec events. 596 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 1: Make sure you use your body language, make eye contact, 597 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,279 Speaker 1: mirror their behavior, and debrief with yourself. How could I 598 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,840 Speaker 1: make this better? How could I enjoy myself more? Is 599 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:14,880 Speaker 1: this the kind of person I want? Or not? And also, 600 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:18,319 Speaker 1: don't let the bad dates hold you back. Sometimes in 601 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: our twenties, it is a little bit of a numbers game. 602 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 1: It is a little bit of trial and error. You'll 603 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,839 Speaker 1: find someone eventually, if that's what you're looking for, and 604 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:32,040 Speaker 1: you'll have fun in the process. Like I've said a 605 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,480 Speaker 1: million times in this episode, dating is meant to be fun. 606 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,520 Speaker 1: It's not meant to be a chore. It's not meant 607 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: to be something you have to force yourself to do. 608 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:43,200 Speaker 1: You should be excited by the opportunity to meet all 609 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,360 Speaker 1: these new people and create stories for yourself. So I 610 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:49,839 Speaker 1: really hope that this episode has been helpful for all 611 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,839 Speaker 1: of my beautiful listeners out there putting themselves out there 612 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,520 Speaker 1: dating up a storm. I freaking love it. That is 613 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,520 Speaker 1: what your twenties are all about, having fun, meeting people, 614 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:02,000 Speaker 1: testing things out you go. So I want to know 615 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,040 Speaker 1: if you use any of these tips. I want to 616 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:07,320 Speaker 1: hear about your first dates. I want to debrief guys. 617 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,880 Speaker 1: I love being in a relationship, but some part of 618 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 1: me I miss the excitement of like being single, Like 619 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,640 Speaker 1: I don't miss the anxiety. I think it's like the 620 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:19,280 Speaker 1: grass is always greener, right, Like you're always like looking. 621 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,920 Speaker 1: You know, after the experience is done, you always remember 622 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:25,240 Speaker 1: the things that at the time you didn't realize were positive. 623 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,240 Speaker 1: So please let me know how your dates are going, 624 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,719 Speaker 1: whether you use these tips, if they were successful and 625 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,799 Speaker 1: as always, I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. 626 00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:37,520 Speaker 1: If there is someone in your life who needs to 627 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:40,880 Speaker 1: hear this, please feel free to share it with them 628 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,600 Speaker 1: and tag us on Instagram if you're sharing it there 629 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,719 Speaker 1: as well. You can follow us at that Psychology podcast 630 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:51,719 Speaker 1: if you have a future suggestion for an episode, if 631 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,319 Speaker 1: you have some feedback, if you just want to get 632 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,719 Speaker 1: in touch, if you want to have a chat, all 633 00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:59,800 Speaker 1: is welcome over there, And of course we will be 634 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,960 Speaker 1: by back on Friday for another episode, so we will 635 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:08,600 Speaker 1: see you then. MHM.