Speaker 1: I want to talk about being transparent and honest when
Speaker 1: you're in relationship. The reason I say that is everybody
Speaker 1: comes into a relationship with a different background. It could
Speaker 1: be financial, it could be cultural, it could be geographical,
Speaker 1: it could be nature versus nurture, a million different things.
Speaker 1: It can be a relationship before, an abusive relationship before,
Speaker 1: or really positive relationship before. But people come into a
Speaker 1: situation and everybody has their own inner monologue and dialogue
Speaker 1: about what they think something should be based on what's
Speaker 1: in their own head. And I've said this to people.
Speaker 1: Also providing context for people that you relate to, even
Speaker 1: at work, you know, you know, romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're not going to start getting into that
Speaker 1: you were abused as a child in a business relationship
Speaker 1: per se. But giving context is important. And I said
Speaker 1: this sentence to someone. I said to someone, they're raised
Speaker 1: like a breeder dog with safety security, knowing where the
Speaker 1: meals were going to come from and knowing that they
Speaker 1: weren't going to be abused and they were going to
Speaker 1: be protected. And that I come from a perspective of
Speaker 1: being a rescue dog, a dog that has been in
Speaker 1: many different homes and had many different experiences and comes
Speaker 1: in a little cagey doesn't trust that much. Could act
Speaker 1: in a different type of way than somebody else who
Speaker 1: is a breeder dog, because by definition you've had How
Speaker 1: could two people with vastly different experiences react in the
Speaker 1: same way. So if you let people know where you are,
Speaker 1: then they'll understand why you act in a certain way.
Speaker 1: And yes, that could apply to business. It could be
Speaker 1: in business that you're explaining to someone that you are
Speaker 1: a very direct person, that you don't respond well to
Speaker 1: beating around the bush or a lot of small talk
Speaker 1: or corporate jargon like that's a way of saying something
Speaker 1: where then in the future they're going to know how
Speaker 1: you might operate or why you might act cold or
Speaker 1: weird or distant or dismissive or something like that. And
Speaker 1: certainly in a relationship, it could be like I have
Speaker 1: the tendency to run, so if you run too, this
Speaker 1: will never happen. And I've been in relationships with people
Speaker 1: who get insecure when I run, and then they want
Speaker 1: to run, and then it's done because somebody needs to
Speaker 1: be the rock, and somebody is going to be. You know,
Speaker 1: if you have two breeder dogs, then great. If you
Speaker 1: have two rescue dogs that can be challenging too. That
Speaker 1: can be like two different insecurities and cagueness and radic
Speaker 1: or unpredictable or just not traditional. I don't like to
Speaker 1: say irrational but not normally expected behavior, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, like things that would seem unexpected. So I
Speaker 1: think it's good to know where people come from so
Speaker 1: you know how to deal with them in all situations
Speaker 1: in life. There's one thing I wanted to say about dating.
Speaker 1: I was on the I was with Alex Cooper in
Speaker 1: the Unwell Tour on stage, and I was giving dating advice,
Speaker 1: and the one thing I forgot to mention that I
Speaker 1: thought was so important in dating advice is this, you
Speaker 1: could really like someone like to the point where it
Speaker 1: gives you the chills. You can't even believe how much
Speaker 1: you like them. You're so into them, it's uncomfortable, like
Speaker 1: you're in Just like in business, you could be so
Speaker 1: into a business deal you could make. You're gonna make
Speaker 1: millions of dollars. It's gonna be the best business deal
Speaker 1: you're ever in. Right, But if you're not getting what
Speaker 1: you want and need, and it's going to like affect
Speaker 1: you and affect your life. And you're settling for less
Speaker 1: than what you deserve. You're kind of cheating yourself. You're
Speaker 1: selling yourself short. Something is wrong. Your gut is telling
Speaker 1: you something's wrong. You don't like the way it makes
Speaker 1: you feel. You have to be willing to walk. You
Speaker 1: have to be willing to walk, but not in a bluff.
Speaker 1: This used to happen with housewives all the time. I
Speaker 1: watch people say they were gonna walk, and then Bravo
Speaker 1: realized that they weren't really gonna walk, and then they
Speaker 1: called their bluff, and then the person has no leverage
Speaker 1: the next time around. I've seen this. I can name
Speaker 1: five housewives who've gotten paid so much less than they
Speaker 1: would have and ten times less than I got paid
Speaker 1: because they didn't know what they were doing. There's a
Speaker 1: confidence to that, and it's scary. That's scary to be
Speaker 1: able to say to someone, I'm into you, but I'm
Speaker 1: willing to walk because I won't settle for less than
Speaker 1: what I deserve. And that's business, that's friendships, that's all
Speaker 1: of it, and that is very strong. I've done that
Speaker 1: in friendships too. I've had someone treat me in a
Speaker 1: way that is not appropriate. And I have walked and
Speaker 1: they have come back around and they have never made
Speaker 1: that mistake again. But it's it's scary because sometimes you
Speaker 1: really know you'll really miss that relationship, you missed that friendship,
Speaker 1: you will miss that that guy, that girl, and you
Speaker 1: gotta be able to do it. And there's something in
Speaker 1: a relationship to landing vulnerability, confidently being needy in a
Speaker 1: way that is confident, like for me at me and
Speaker 1: saying I need a little love, I need a little
Speaker 1: praise right now. I'm a little needy. That's way more
Speaker 1: confident than actually being needy and drippy and desperate and thirsty,
Speaker 1: like the way you frame things, you know, the way
Speaker 1: like saying what you need is confident. Begging for scraps
Speaker 1: and being desperate and waiting around and then not getting
Speaker 1: it and accepting that you didn't get it and asking
Speaker 1: for it again, that's needy. There's a very big difference
Speaker 1: between being like, this is what I need, this is
Speaker 1: what I require, this is what I want, and like
Speaker 1: I said, call the bluff. Gotta be willing to walk.
Speaker 1: Also being able to articulate to someone the difference between
Speaker 1: your wants and your needs your deal breakers and what
Speaker 1: you really would like, because if you're in a healthy relationship,
Speaker 1: most people will want to give each other what they
Speaker 1: need and want, and you can't pick every single thing.
Speaker 1: Everything can't be a need. Some things are a want,
Speaker 1: and you might not get at all. But as one
Speaker 1: of the dating coaches on here said, I really really
Speaker 1: really validate what he said when he said a relationship
Speaker 1: should not be work, and we got to it should
Speaker 1: be effort. And I was talking to someone about this today.
Speaker 1: It should be intention, but it should be desire. You
Speaker 1: want to work on it, you want to get better,
Speaker 1: but it's not work. And many of us have had
Speaker 1: the same experience where we think we're the problem. Somebody
Speaker 1: is good on paper, somebody seems like they're it. Someone
Speaker 1: you know you're supposed to be feeling some way. Why
Speaker 1: are you being critical of the other person. Why don't
Speaker 1: you want to share with the other person? Why are
Speaker 1: you leaving them out of things? Why do you want
Speaker 1: to do things without them? Why do you not feel
Speaker 1: great when you're around them? Why are you kind of
Speaker 1: excited when they leave? Why are you not that excited
Speaker 1: when you see them? Then you start saying, but they're
Speaker 1: so good, they're so generous, they're this, They're what I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to be wanting. Then you go inside. Then you
Speaker 1: start beating yourself up. Then you start saying it must
Speaker 1: be me. I must be flawed in some way, I
Speaker 1: can't be happy, I can't allow myself to love. Then
Speaker 1: it's another dialogue. If there is a person that fits
Speaker 1: you properly, these things will not exist. You will have
Speaker 1: to have intention, you will have to make an effort,
Speaker 1: but they will not be the feeling of dread and
Speaker 1: negotiating with yourself and torturing yourself and torment yourself and
Speaker 1: tearing yourself apart because you're staying out of fear. Now
Speaker 1: compound that you have kids, you're afraid because of financial reasons,
Speaker 1: or because you've already gotten married, because what's your family
Speaker 1: going to think. I mean, these things are super important
Speaker 1: and also why relationship should not be jumped into. But
Speaker 1: we beat the shit out of ourselves unnecessarily. If you
Speaker 1: eat something and it doesn't agree with you, you just you
Speaker 1: listen to that. You don't start talking about why the
Speaker 1: thing is supposed Oh it's supposed to be good for me.
Speaker 1: It's coconut, it's got good oil. If you don't like
Speaker 1: it or it doesn't make you feel good, you don't
Speaker 1: eat it. You don't care what the fuck anyone says
Speaker 1: about it, How good for you it's supposed to be.
Speaker 1: You're not eating it. You rejected it, your body rejected it.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you're psychologically unfit, doesn't mean you can't if
Speaker 1: something's wrong with you. It means it's not right for you.
Speaker 1: So we have to get more clear with that stuff,
Speaker 1: because I feel like we torture ourselves and spend so
Speaker 1: much unnecessary time doing that in addition to the wants
Speaker 1: and needs. It's like related, but it's like what's your thing?
Speaker 1: What's your thing? The dating coach said. Men want to
Speaker 1: be acknowledged. I think it was admired and appreciated. Women
Speaker 1: want to feel safe, heard and understood. For me, it's safe.
Speaker 1: I've heard men say to me loved, you know, loved.
Speaker 1: So whatever it is, you listen to the other person
Speaker 1: and you make sure that you give that to them
Speaker 1: because some people could say it in that one moment,
Speaker 1: but not in the day to day, and not everyone
Speaker 1: needs to express themselves verbally. Do you ever notice there's
Speaker 1: some people that express themselves nonverbally. It's their actions, it's
Speaker 1: the way they do it, it's the way they make
Speaker 1: you feel. They don't. Everyone doesn't need to be emoting
Speaker 1: at all times, and sometimes because of our previous experiences,
Speaker 1: we actually can't trust ourselves. We do have good gut instincts,
Speaker 1: but sometimes we go back for the thing that's not
Speaker 1: good for us, and we have to break the chain
Speaker 1: ourselves in relationships, but not the pendulum, not where you're
Speaker 1: just going to the opposite of what you did before,
Speaker 1: which could be boring or dangerous for you, but basically
Speaker 1: realizing if I walk into a casino, I might not
Speaker 1: be able to be trusted. I'm gonna gamble. If I
Speaker 1: go into a bakery, I'm gonna want all the sugar.
Speaker 1: I'm not good in that environment. Knowing you know, if
Speaker 1: I see a hot guy that looks like a bad boy,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm going for. Or I tend to go
Speaker 1: with somebody who's gonna treat me like shit but is
Speaker 1: great in bed or whatever it is. We have to
Speaker 1: acknowledge who we are and what our behaviors are and
Speaker 1: why why we attract that and become your best self
Speaker 1: before you get ready to be dating that's the hardest part.
Speaker 1: People want to jump in. They want to they want
Speaker 1: to fix it with the band aid. You want to
Speaker 1: feel better, you want to go on a date. You
Speaker 1: want to meet somebody, You want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1: You want somebody for the holidays, you want somebody for
Speaker 1: New Year's Eve. If you want to feel part of something,
Speaker 1: you don't want to feel alone. You don't want to
Speaker 1: go to the wedding alone. You don't want to be
Speaker 1: the loser. Then you jump in something that's wrong for you,
Speaker 1: and you're wasting time not finding the right person, and
Speaker 1: you have never done the work. So even if you
Speaker 1: found the right place person, you wouldn't be ready because
Speaker 1: you're still a train wreck because you were so afraid.
Speaker 1: You never did the work. And you when you start
Speaker 1: a relationship, that bar better be really high. It will
Speaker 1: only go down no matter what. You have a new car,
Speaker 1: it will not smell like a new car in six months,
Speaker 1: maybe a faint. So you better raise that bar high
Speaker 1: in the beginning. Don't start settling from the jump. Now. Listen,
Speaker 1: there is a time in the beginning you meet someone
Speaker 1: it's not going to be off to the racist perfection.
Speaker 1: You've got to sniff each other out. You've got to
Speaker 1: get each other's patterns, wants, needs, likes, loves, sex. Communicate
Speaker 1: about sex not in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 1: What does someone like? What does someone not like? What
Speaker 1: about you know? Personal styles? What about cadence? What about
Speaker 1: how much? What about how intense? What about how it
Speaker 1: makes you feel? What about your past sexual experiences? What
Speaker 1: about your trust issues as it pertains to sex. I mean,
Speaker 1: sex is a massive topic, but overall, you set the
Speaker 1: bar high and you train the dog in the beginning,
Speaker 1: and I don't mean the man as a dog or
Speaker 1: the woman's dog. People need to be trained in the beginning.
Speaker 1: This is where the wee wee pad is. This is
Speaker 1: where it isn't so we don't have any confusion. Later.
Speaker 1: We may all have some accidents along the way. That's normal.
Speaker 1: But we're not going to start this thing by dumbing
Speaker 1: it down, because then it'll be in a shambles and
Speaker 1: all the cracks become craters. So beware of the cracks,
Speaker 1: beware of the pink flags. Critical periods to look out for.
Speaker 1: I believe our six weeks. What are we doing? Do
Speaker 1: we actually like each other? Is there a connection? Are
Speaker 1: we continuing on to the next gauntlet, which is three months.
Speaker 1: Three months is are we in a relationship? Are we
Speaker 1: doing this at some point? Will I meet your family?
Speaker 1: Will you meet my friends? Will I meet your kids?
Speaker 1: Will we say I love you? Like? Three months is
Speaker 1: critical and then we're off to the races. Then you
Speaker 1: get to six months and a year and the rest
Speaker 1: is history. But three months, to me, would be the
Speaker 1: most critical part in any relationship. It's when you decide
Speaker 1: what the real intention is of the entire relationship. I
Speaker 1: stand by what the experts say about texting. Control yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm saying to myself as well. Do not communicate anything
Speaker 1: important via text. Now this means, you know, reprimanding someone,
Speaker 1: scolding someone, giving some notes, saying something you don't like,
Speaker 1: saying something you do like, saying how you really deeply
Speaker 1: feel about someone. Like real feelings should not be communicated
Speaker 1: by text. Now there's a gray area because it could
Speaker 1: be I miss you. That's a real feeling, but that's
Speaker 1: like a small statement or XO, or I can't wait
Speaker 1: to see you, or you make me feel great, or
Speaker 1: you're making me happy, or look at I mean, once
Speaker 1: in a while, there's an exception. But overall, you should
Speaker 1: not be getting into broad stroke topics, negotiating something, talking
Speaker 1: about how something makes you feel, how something didn't make
Speaker 1: you feel. I wish you didn't do that. Can you
Speaker 1: not do it? Like no arguing? No real meat should
Speaker 1: be happening on texting. And it's a discipline because you
Speaker 1: can't always get someone on the phone and people work.
Speaker 1: And I would say if you're in something, FaceTime is
Speaker 1: important too, if you're not with the person, particularly if
Speaker 1: you're long distance. But if you're not gonna be with
Speaker 1: the person all the time, someone's facetiming tour from work.
Speaker 1: It is remarkable what it means to see someone's face
Speaker 1: compared to just being on the phone. Let's take this down.
Speaker 1: Seeing someone's face is a whole different ball game than
Speaker 1: being on the phone. But being on the phone is
Speaker 1: a whole different ball game than texting, which is pathetic
Speaker 1: and sad because being on the phone can be really disconnected.
Speaker 1: It really can. But texting, it's a fucking joke. Texting
Speaker 1: is like getting a bag of cheetos and wanting it
Speaker 1: to feel like you had like brown rice, chicken, breast
Speaker 1: and broccolini. Like it's garbage food. It's junk food. It's
Speaker 1: never gonna it's not gonna do it. It's just it's
Speaker 1: like a tool that we overuse. Texting technically should be
Speaker 1: like I'm in the corner booth and a red shirt.
Speaker 1: It shouldn't even be as much as we use it for.
Speaker 1: But we use it as a crutch, as a tool,
Speaker 1: and you know, it's a necessary evil. One of the
Speaker 1: tricky things in dating is talking about x's it really
Speaker 1: really is. We say we're never going to do it,
Speaker 1: we do it not because like, oh I miss Joe.
Speaker 1: It's a reference point. You want to compliment the person
Speaker 1: you're with. You like, I'm not used to this, you know,
Speaker 1: And sometimes it does feel good. I don't mind it.
Speaker 1: I don't mind it if someone says something about their
Speaker 1: ex as it pertains to us and why this is different.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's sometimes informative. If the last person used
Speaker 1: to do something that really bothered you or made you
Speaker 1: feel unsafe, you might have to discuss it with the
Speaker 1: current person because that is institutional knowledge. Talking about how
Speaker 1: you still miss the person or how you broke up
Speaker 1: or when Joe and I used to go to do this.
Speaker 1: That is not a good idea. Joe bought me flowers
Speaker 1: and you don't. That is not a good idea. But
Speaker 1: I'm used to a different dynamic with Joe where I
Speaker 1: feel guilty about doing this. You know that might make
Speaker 1: someone feel good that you're validating. Oh what's going on?
Speaker 1: And again, as some of the matchmaker is only one
Speaker 1: of the dating coaches has expressed the male dating coach,
Speaker 1: the game moves fast when you're dating. We have all
Speaker 1: these plans. We plan a god laughs, You plan to
Speaker 1: have a get, play a game, do this, do that.
Speaker 1: It all goes out the window. It does. You do
Speaker 1: the very best you can, but it all does go
Speaker 1: out the window.