WEBVTT - Jillian Turecki Believes That in Love, It Begins with You 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:05.559 Hey fam, Hello sunshine. 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:07.920 Today, on the bright side, we are keeping the love 0:00:08.039 --> 0:00:12.119 and Valentine's Day vibes. Going relationship guru Jillian Toreki is 0:00:12.160 --> 0:00:14.680 here to talk about her New York Times best selling 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:18.439 book It Begins with You, Nine Hard Truths about Love 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:20.040 that will Change your Life. 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:21.600 It's Toesday, February eleventh. 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.439 I'm Smoane Voice, I'm Danielle Robe and this is the 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:30.360 bright side from Hello Sunshine. What does it truly take 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:34.680 to build deep, meaningful relationships? The kind that feel both 0:00:34.720 --> 0:00:40.120 safe and exciting, steady yet passionate. Today we're sitting down 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:43.479 with Jillian Toreki. She's a renowned relationship coach, a teacher 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:47.120 and writer who spent years helping people break toxic cycles. 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:50.159 She also helps them heal from heartbreak and create the 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:54.840 love that they deserve. With her refreshingly honest insights, Jillian 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:58.240 has become a go to voice for anyone seeking deeper connections, 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:01.680 not just romantic relationship, but in all aspects of life. 0:01:02.040 --> 0:01:02.280 Yeah. 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:05.160 She hosts a podcast called Jillian on Love and writes 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.560 a newsletter called Love Weekly. And listen, We're probably all 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:12.640 bombarded with relationship and love experts on social media because 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:15.760 it is a billion dollar industry. But what makes Jillian's 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:19.399 advice different is that she goes heavy on accountability, this 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:22.360 idea of looking at ourselves first before we blame the 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:22.959 other person. 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:25.720 Yeah, her new book gets a right to the point. 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:28.679 I'm talking no nonsense advice. So for anyone out there 0:01:28.720 --> 0:01:30.920 who's trying to figure out how to have a meaningful 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:34.280 and loving relationship, this show's a good one. Let's bring 0:01:34.319 --> 0:01:37.440 her in. Jillian, Welcome to the Right Side. Thanks so 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:40.560 much for having me. We're really so excited to have 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:43.880 you here. Both Simone and I when you launch your book, 0:01:44.000 --> 0:01:46.080 looked at each other and said, we have to have 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:47.320 Jillian on this show. 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:47.760 Yes. 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:50.680 One of the reasons I love hearing you talk about 0:01:50.720 --> 0:01:53.680 love is because you've really been through it yourself, the 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.480 highs and the lows. I think so many people are 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:59.840 either searching for love with no success, getting frustrated even 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:04.880 in relationship, or sometimes even generally feeling hopeless about love. 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:07.520 I would say I have friends across that spectrum. What 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:10.160 would you say, so many of us are getting wrong 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:13.160 in romance that's really leading to this dissatisfaction. 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:17.080 Oh, there's just a lot of things. One is not 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.120 understanding that who you choose to partner with is the 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:23.600 most important decision you'll ever make. Another one is that 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:29.200 there's no one you could meet, the most amazing, perfect 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:32.360 for you person. But if you don't do the work 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:35.519 and you don't show up as a good partner, things 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:36.720 are going to fall apart. 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:38.320 So really it takes two. 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:43.520 A relationship is not just something that's there to meet 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:46.760 your needs. It's something that you need to participate in 0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:49.960 and co create. I know I'm listening off a few things, 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.520 but these are the main ones that you might be 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:56.280 running into problems because of some unfinished business from your 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:59.720 past that you need to address, and that we're just 0:02:59.800 --> 0:03:02.799 not taught in school the basics of love and loving 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:05.200 ourselves and being in a romantic relationship. 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:08.240 That's so well said too. I remember having my first 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:10.920 boyfriend and not knowing if things were normal or not, 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:13.880 and then having my first deep love and still not 0:03:14.000 --> 0:03:17.200 even knowing if certain things were normal or not. Can 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:20.680 we have a PSA for a love class in high school? 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:23.560 I mean yes, can we? 0:03:23.840 --> 0:03:26.160 I feel like we need this? Can you can you 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:27.120 write the curriculum? 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:32.440 I would love to, but yeah, this is the thing. Yeah, 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:35.120 we just don't learn these things, and we don't learn 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:39.360 the value of it, and why it's so important to 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:44.480 really work on this aspect of our lives. 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:47.640 Yeah, well, Danielle, to what you were just saying, do 0:03:47.680 --> 0:03:50.000 we ever get to a point where we understand what 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:51.880 is normal and what's not in relationships? 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:55.280 I think it's like it's how you define normal. I 0:03:55.320 --> 0:04:00.440 think more it's what's the tolerable versus the intolerable. And 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:04.800 I think one thing that's not quote unquote normalized enough 0:04:05.080 --> 0:04:08.000 is it's normal to have. 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:10.200 Some doubt and some ambivalence. Now, you don't want to 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:11.440 have a ton of ambivalence, and. 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:13.600 You don't want to have a ton of doubt, but 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.960 it's normal to wake up sometimes and say is this right? 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.080 You know, what is right for me? Just that's sort 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:24.000 of part of being human. And then also it's so important. 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:28.920 A lot of people don't recognize that there are certain 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:32.400 things that are absolutely intolerable in a relationship, but there's 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:34.040 going to be more things that you're going. 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:35.440 To have to be flexible about. 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.080 Well, in that vein, I'm curious why you think people 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:42.480 pursue or even stay in unhealthy relationships. 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:45.120 So why do people stay in relationships that. 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:49.839 Are unhealthy for them because they feel hopeless and helpless. 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:53.360 They want it to be different, but they don't know 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:56.920 how to be different. Why do people stay in relationships 0:04:56.960 --> 0:05:00.040 with people who treat them badly because they do I 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:04.080 don't recognize that they deserve more. That kind of goes 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:07.520 full circle to or a conversation about the tolerable versus 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:11.240 the intolerable, like they literally they don't know what's like 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:12.760 you said, like, how do we know what's normal in 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:16.920 a relationship? They don't know that what's happening is actually 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.919 not normal. And sometimes they're there because they don't have 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:24.160 the money to leave, you know, sometimes there's socioeconomic things. 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:28.680 But let's just suppose it's not that pathological fear of 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:32.040 being alone, a pathological fear of it not working out. 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:36.080 Usually within the cadence of like a quote unquote toxic 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:44.360 relationship is periods of closeness followed by very intense disruption 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:48.400 of that closeness, like conflict, and then coming back to 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.320 closeness again. And so what it becomes is a roller 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:54.599 coaster that, believe it or not, you become habituated to. 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:58.240 So it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:00.719 lot of people to leave that. So why do people 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:04.400 seek out these relations No one seeks out an unhealthy relationship. 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:07.960 Nobody wants that you said something that was super wise, 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:10.280 Which is if you don't really know who you are, 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:12.280 if you don't have a sense of what is that 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.680 you deserve, and you don't have a sense of what 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:19.880 you need in a relationship, you'll seek out things that are. 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:20.560 Familiar to you. 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.240 So if you had a very troubling relationship with a 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:26.039 parent as a child, or you saw your parents have 0:06:26.120 --> 0:06:31.520 a very troubling relationship, even though it's so illogical to 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:35.720 think that we would go for someone who mirrors that experience, 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:39.320 to our unconscious, it's incredibly familiar. 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:43.600 So we're just doing what we know. And then once 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.480 we're in it, we have our own stuff. 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:50.400 We don't know how to have a conversation when we're afraid, 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:53.000 we don't know how to be an advocate for ourselves, 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:55.719 we don't know how to regulate our anger, and we 0:06:55.760 --> 0:07:03.600 don't understand the ramifications of resentment, and so that's typically 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.880 that's it. You know, I'll never forget It was just 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.320 a few months into my marriage, and it was just 0:07:09.480 --> 0:07:12.200 I was having a really hard time, and I'll never 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:14.240 forget my mom asking me. 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:16.440 Do you think you made a mistake? 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:17.600 WHOA? 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:22.040 And she said it in a way that was compassionate, like, 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:25.080 we all make mistakes. Maybe this is just a mistake. 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:30.400 And I couldn't even fathom that, because I was like, 0:07:31.280 --> 0:07:34.160 that's a mistake. That's so huge, and I didn't even 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:38.160 know how to digest and process that. But it certainly 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:40.440 crossed my mind. It wasn't like, oh, I'm in the 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:44.720 wrong relationship once we broke up. I mean, typically breakups 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:47.960 don't happen out of the blue. The way in which 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:50.320 one is broken up with can be very jarring and 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.680 very abandoning and very out of the blue. But typically 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:58.160 there's months, sometimes years leading up to that demise where 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:03.240 you're unhappy. Else why so many people, let's say, who 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:09.000 were heartbroken or rejected. Part of the processing is to 0:08:09.040 --> 0:08:13.320 help them remember that you weren't actually that happy. Yeah, 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:17.640 this was actually very very difficult, and to remind people. 0:08:17.440 --> 0:08:18.600 Of that, Jillian. 0:08:19.600 --> 0:08:22.120 As you were just speaking, I was thinking about the 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:26.040 tremendous heartbreak that you suffered. I cannot imagine a more 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.680 horrific way for a marriage to end. You were suffering 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:34.120 a miscarriage and your husband basically ended the marriage over 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:39.320 the phone. Uh yeah, text, where are you at in 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:42.720 terms of your faith in relationships now? Because for me, 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:44.920 that would have rattled me to my core. 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:48.280 It did rattle me to my core. 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:50.679 I mean it rattled me to the point where there 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:53.040 was a long time where I would just look at 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:55.960 men and just be almost afraid of them and lost 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:59.480 all trust in them and faith in them, lost all 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:04.120 trust and myself. But it's been many years now, and 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:07.200 so I process and through doing this in our work 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:10.000 and just understanding the nature of relationships. 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:15.040 No, I don't feel rattled by it anymore. 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:18.520 But what I will say is the interesting thing about 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:20.600 doing this work with people that you have to be 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:22.920 very careful of. And this is something that coaches that 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:27.560 therapists talk about often, which is, don't get influenced by 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:29.160 other people's bad experiences. 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:32.640 Before we get into your book, I have one question 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:38.040 for you. Yeah, I interviewed somebody about heartbreak and she said, 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:41.960 I really miss the person I was before that heartbreak. 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.960 I miss that girl, that girl that was trusting and 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:49.880 a little bit more naive and didn't want to look 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:53.800 at my boyfriend's phone and all those things, and I 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:58.160 went through a really brutal breakup, and I feel like 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:00.440 it was the best lesson in my life. Pushed me 0:10:00.600 --> 0:10:04.880 towards therapy and a lot of really necessary growth. I'm 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:08.720 kind of happy that the naivete lifted a bit. Yes, 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:12.280 while I still understand what she's saying, there's pieces of 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:15.520 me that like were like, I don't jump into love 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:18.520 the same way I used to. And you had such 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:23.080 a brutal breakup. I'm curious how you feel about that. 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:27.320 Yeah, when I think about what you're sharing, it's innocence, right, 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:31.080 It's the loss of innocence, And I think that that's 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:36.520 always something that we grieve in our lives, is because 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.199 with innocence, we're not so aware of the darkness that 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:45.200 exists in life. But in reality, naivete and dating just 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:48.240 means that you're gonna be with predatory people, and so 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:51.360 we don't want to be naive That's interesting and so 0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:57.320 but there's heartbreak and then there's betrayal, and yeah, you 0:10:57.360 --> 0:11:01.320 can miss that person beforehand, and I think it's just 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:04.120 one of the hard things about being a human being, 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:06.319 and one of the conundrums of being a human being. 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:10.760 What is the opposite of innocence, it's wisdom. And so 0:11:12.600 --> 0:11:15.080 you learn all these things and you're very familiar with 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.440 the darkness, but you have to make sure that you 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:23.320 don't then get too sucked into the darkness and think 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:25.640 everything is dark. 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:30.679 We've got to take a short break, but we'll be 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:32.000 right back with Jillian to Reki. 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:42.640 And we're back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki. 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:46.719 You offer these nine big truths, and so Simone and 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:48.720 I want to go through a couple of them with you. 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:51.880 The first one is it begins with you, and you 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:54.360 say that the common denominator in all of our relationships 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:58.800 is one thing ourselves in theory that makes absolute perfect 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:00.960 sense in practice. What does that mean? 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:05.280 So what it doesn't mean is the platitude that the 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:07.880 problem is you. Yeah, the problem could be you, but 0:12:08.080 --> 0:12:10.360 just because it begins with you, it doesn't mean you could. 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:13.240 I definitely have been in a relationship or in relationships 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:18.760 with people who were objectively speaking more quote unquote problematic than. 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:22.040 You, but you chose them and you fell in love 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:22.400 with them. 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:27.760 And so our lives are really the sum total decisions 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:30.480 and the choices that we make. And so what it 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:35.120 really means in practicality is hey, there is so little 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:38.400 that we have control of in this life. In fact, 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:40.920 most things are not in our control. Most things that 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:44.079 we think our control are an illusion. But we do 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:46.440 have control over how we're going to show up in 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:50.120 our beliefs at all of that. And isn't that incredibly empowering? 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:52.640 And that you have to be the change that you 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:57.000 wish to see in your love life? And so in practicality, 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.439 it's so, let's investigate the beliefs that you have about 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.280 love rather about men or women, and let's see where 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.320 you got them. If you have a really negative belief 0:13:06.360 --> 0:13:09.800 about love, at what point was that belief born? Oh, 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.680 it was born after my last relationship and this breakup 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:16.000 and this horrible experience. Okay, well, let's put some framework 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:18.200 around that. What are some of the red flags that may. 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:18.760 Be you ignored? 0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:22.800 Is it possible that you had an experience that maybe 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:26.200 billions of people have had as well, that this is 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:30.640 just sort of part of it. There's so many different 0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:34.319 things to kind of look at. But it's not going 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:37.199 to change by blaming mom. It's not going to change 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:39.559 by blaming dad. It's not going to be changed by 0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:41.760 blaming your exes, and it's not going to change with 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:44.760 you blaming yourself, but it is going to change if 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:49.240 you can actually really take the step, the courageous step 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:55.400 of doing the necessary self examination to grow into the 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:58.000 person that you want to be in a relationship. 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.640 There's a part in the book a phrase really blew 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:01.760 my mind. Jillian. 0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:05.520 You said, pedestals are for teenagers. They have no place 0:14:05.600 --> 0:14:06.640 in adult love. 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:10.200 I love this one so much, Jillian, Yeah, you know, 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:13.600 it's so funny. I I and I think there's some 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:17.280 nuance to it when both people are really I think 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:20.240 there's something beautiful about two people being in a relationship 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:24.160 and seeing the other as really wonderful, and maybe seeing 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:26.960 the other as more wonderful than the person can see 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:30.720 as themselves. You can interpret that as a pedestal, but 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:34.000 in the purpose of that chapter for teenagers, it's I 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:37.800 don't know you, but I'm going to project my thirteen 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:41.600 year old ideal of what like a perfect partner is 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:45.280 or my crush onto you, and I'm going to make 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:47.640 you really really important even though I don't know you, 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:51.000 And then one thing could be well, once I do 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:53.320 get to know you and I see that you're actually 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:56.000 not a representation of my ideal. 0:14:56.320 --> 0:14:58.680 But you are a real man or a real woman, 0:14:58.920 --> 0:15:01.920 not this Phanta that I have projected onto you. 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:05.920 Then you're going to fall off the pedestal, and then 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:09.080 you are going to feel like the fallen hero, and 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:12.880 I'm just going to be disappointed. And that's teenage love. 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:17.880 Teenage love is all about lust. It's all about fantasy 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:22.960 and excitement. It's not really about Oh, we're too real, flawed, 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:27.080 nuanced people with depth, and we have to kind of 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:27.880 accept each other. 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:30.480 I also feel like when you put somebody on a pedestal, 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:32.800 you act really weird, like the real you isn't able 0:15:32.800 --> 0:15:34.240 to come out totally. 0:15:34.560 --> 0:15:35.080 Yeah. 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:38.080 Yes, because when you put someone up on a pedestal, 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:42.560 they're up here, you're down here, and so you never 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:45.640 you always feel like they're out of your league or 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:47.160 better than you. 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:48.320 You feel less then. 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:52.160 And so to your point, it's how am I going 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:53.560 to live up? 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:56.480 How am I going to be enough for this person 0:15:56.760 --> 0:16:00.960 who I've already decided is so amazing that I'm actually 0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:03.760 not incredibly worthy of them. So I have to figure 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:06.000 a way to scramble to be worthy for them, And 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:07.680 that's always a bad scenario. 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:11.320 This next one that you write, the mind is a battlefield, 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.280 and stay in your head or your relationship is dead. 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:17.520 So drop some wisdom on us. What role do our 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:19.520 minds play in our relationships? 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:23.000 Yeah, our minds are designed to keep us safe, not 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:27.560 to really make us happy. To learn how to feel 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.360 fulfilled and to find joy in life is something that 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:34.840 many of us have to train ourselves to do. I know, 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:37.600 for me, I was raised in a family. I was 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:40.600 raised in an immigrant family, so it was pretty much 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:44.280 like the glasses half empty. So I had to really 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:48.960 train myself to learn a little bit more positivity in life. 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:54.040 And so that chapter is really about It's a chapter 0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:59.120 about the mind and more importantly, why mind fullness is 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:03.720 so important and such an important element to a relationship, 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:04.880 and how. 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:07.440 Easy it is to be mindless. 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:11.119 Can you say more about mindfulness and relationships? Why is 0:17:11.160 --> 0:17:11.960 that so essential? 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:16.320 Yeah, because mindfulness it's sort of like self awareness. It's 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.879 I'm being mindful of the fact that I'm telling a 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:25.080 story right now, I'm being mindful of my partner's needs, 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:31.400 I'm being mindful of my own prejudices. So, for example, 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:34.439 your spouse, let's say you're married to a man, they 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.399 do something that you don't like, then how easy you 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:42.520 can go into a narrative about men men in general, right, 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:44.639 and then that feeds the machine and then all of 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:48.600 a sudden you're hating in some way your spouse. So 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:53.960 mindfulness is the ability to have that sort of discernment 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:57.639 of when you're going into that kind of rhetoric in 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:01.960 your mind and interrect that with hey, I need to 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:04.440 soften a little bit. This is about me right now, 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:08.680 this isn't about them. Another thing of mindfulness is, you know, 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:13.399 we can be stressed out in a bad mood for 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:18.120 various reasons. But when we are stressed out or tired 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:19.880 or in a bad mood just not in a good 0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:25.399 emotional state, psycho emotional state, physiological state, even that's going 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:29.440 to put a filter in front of our eyes and 0:18:29.480 --> 0:18:32.439 we're going to see the world and the people in 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:39.520 it clouded. And so mindfulness is when we're frustrated, for example, 0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:43.280 with our partner, is just having the awareness to say, 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.360 is this something like did they do something. 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:50.720 That perhaps crossed the boundary with me? Or am I 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:53.800 really tired and stressed out and going through a hard time? 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:56.040 And so nothing that they do is going to be 0:18:56.080 --> 0:18:59.679 good enough right now. Yeah. Yeah, and that level of 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:01.240 mind Yeah. 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:03.240 I've never thought about mindfulness this way. I never thought 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:05.160 about it in the context of a relationship. 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:08.320 It's that was one of the most profound lessons that 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:13.080 I learned, and just being mindful because it's also being 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:18.120 mindful of our energy and how we impact our environment. 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:18.600 Yes. 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:23.120 Yeah, there's one thing that's helped me, both in romantic 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:26.240 relationship and in any relationship. And it's like, every time 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:29.879 I feel myself getting critical, I'm like, okay, swap it 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:33.720 with curiosity. Oh and it's nice asking the quick because 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:37.480 you mentioned such beautiful questions, Jillian, and it's like that's 0:19:37.520 --> 0:19:39.679 the check in because it's the same C word, And 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:41.800 like I need to swap it in my mind because 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:44.800 I feel the criticism and the judgment come up and 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:46.760 I don't like that. It doesn't make me feel good. 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:47.440 Yeah. 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:48.560 Yes, yeah, that's so good. 0:19:48.680 --> 0:19:49.920 Oh that's very mindful. 0:19:50.280 --> 0:19:54.520 Yeah, very very I'm not a total mess. 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:56.320 Okay, Yeah, you're not a mess at all. 0:19:57.600 --> 0:19:59.440 Yeah, I am a total mess. 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:03.280 Well, there are so many bangers in this book. We're 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:05.040 going to try to get through as many as we can. 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:09.480 But another reframe that stood out to me is lust 0:20:09.560 --> 0:20:12.159 is not the same thing as love. This is a 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:14.920 complicated one because when I hear that, I think it's 0:20:14.920 --> 0:20:18.000 still really hard for us to understand myself included, that 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:21.080 physical chemistry and true connection with someone are actually two 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:26.000 very different things, although I feel like both are necessary. Yes, 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:30.320 how do we start to understand the difference and how 0:20:30.320 --> 0:20:31.880 will that change things once we do? 0:20:32.800 --> 0:20:36.760 Okay, so we were just talking a moment ago about pedestals, right, Yes, 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.760 lust is something that just sort of happens. Love is 0:20:39.840 --> 0:20:43.560 also a choice, it's a practice, it's an action. It's like, oh, 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:45.520 I'm not really in the mood to be very loving 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:48.119 right now, but I'm in a relationship and I'm going 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:51.000 to transcend that and give love. And people think, well, 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:55.560 that's exhausting, Well, but you get so much in return. 0:20:56.720 --> 0:20:58.680 What you do is you get to then have an 0:20:58.720 --> 0:21:01.960 exchange of love between you and your partner, and that's 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:06.280 very fulfilling. And lust if we're bored, if we're lonely, 0:21:07.600 --> 0:21:09.960 if you don't have a lot of purpose in life, 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:13.080 these are all things that when we meet someone and 0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:16.879 we're attracted to them, it can make us super super excited, 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:20.240 to the point where romantic right, and we think if 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:23.919 I'm attracted to this person, then they must be. 0:21:24.040 --> 0:21:24.200 Right. 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:27.320 If I'm attracted to this person, then I should pursue 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:30.640 a relationship with them. When I'm attracted to this person, 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:32.760 they must be amazing. 0:21:33.200 --> 0:21:36.440 No no, no, no no, you're just experiencing chemistry. That doesn't 0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:38.840 mean they're amazing. Doesn't mean they're not amazing. They could be. 0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:40.520 They could be. 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:45.399 It's just don't confuse that with love. Don't confuse with 0:21:45.480 --> 0:21:48.159 thinking someone is the one because it's three months in 0:21:48.560 --> 0:21:52.119 and you're really excited about them. So have the excitement, 0:21:52.359 --> 0:21:55.920 but process your enthusiasm to understand that all those chemicals 0:21:55.920 --> 0:22:00.000 and everything that's happening, that is just you in life. 0:22:00.080 --> 0:22:03.919 Alla land in a fantasy, very excited about someone, and 0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:05.800 you just have to get to know them, and that 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:09.760 so many people are chasing that high when really love 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:13.280 is what happens. Like I said, after the honeymoon, once 0:22:13.320 --> 0:22:16.360