1 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,559 Speaker 1: Hey fam, Hello sunshine. 2 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,920 Speaker 2: Today, on the bright side, we are keeping the love 3 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 2: and Valentine's Day vibes. Going relationship guru Jillian Toreki is 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,680 Speaker 2: here to talk about her New York Times best selling 5 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:18,439 Speaker 2: book It Begins with You, Nine Hard Truths about Love 6 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 2: that will Change your Life. 7 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,600 Speaker 3: It's Toesday, February eleventh. 8 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,439 Speaker 1: I'm Smoane Voice, I'm Danielle Robe and this is the 9 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: bright side from Hello Sunshine. What does it truly take 10 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 1: to build deep, meaningful relationships? The kind that feel both 11 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: safe and exciting, steady yet passionate. Today we're sitting down 12 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: with Jillian Toreki. She's a renowned relationship coach, a teacher 13 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: and writer who spent years helping people break toxic cycles. 14 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,159 Speaker 1: She also helps them heal from heartbreak and create the 15 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: love that they deserve. With her refreshingly honest insights, Jillian 16 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: has become a go to voice for anyone seeking deeper connections, 17 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: not just romantic relationship, but in all aspects of life. 18 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 3: Yeah. 19 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,160 Speaker 2: She hosts a podcast called Jillian on Love and writes 20 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: a newsletter called Love Weekly. And listen, We're probably all 21 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 2: bombarded with relationship and love experts on social media because 22 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,760 Speaker 2: it is a billion dollar industry. But what makes Jillian's 23 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,399 Speaker 2: advice different is that she goes heavy on accountability, this 24 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 2: idea of looking at ourselves first before we blame the 25 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 2: other person. 26 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, her new book gets a right to the point. 27 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: I'm talking no nonsense advice. So for anyone out there 28 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: who's trying to figure out how to have a meaningful 29 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: and loving relationship, this show's a good one. Let's bring 30 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: her in. Jillian, Welcome to the Right Side. Thanks so 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 1: much for having me. We're really so excited to have 32 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: you here. Both Simone and I when you launch your book, 33 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: looked at each other and said, we have to have 34 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,320 Speaker 1: Jillian on this show. 35 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:47,760 Speaker 4: Yes. 36 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: One of the reasons I love hearing you talk about 37 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: love is because you've really been through it yourself, the 38 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: highs and the lows. I think so many people are 39 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 1: either searching for love with no success, getting frustrated even 40 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: in relationship, or sometimes even generally feeling hopeless about love. 41 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,520 Speaker 1: I would say I have friends across that spectrum. What 42 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: would you say, so many of us are getting wrong 43 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: in romance that's really leading to this dissatisfaction. 44 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 5: Oh, there's just a lot of things. One is not 45 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 5: understanding that who you choose to partner with is the 46 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 5: most important decision you'll ever make. Another one is that 47 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 5: there's no one you could meet, the most amazing, perfect 48 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,360 Speaker 5: for you person. But if you don't do the work 49 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,519 Speaker 5: and you don't show up as a good partner, things 50 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 5: are going to fall apart. 51 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 4: So really it takes two. 52 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 5: A relationship is not just something that's there to meet 53 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 5: your needs. It's something that you need to participate in 54 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 5: and co create. I know I'm listening off a few things, 55 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,520 Speaker 5: but these are the main ones that you might be 56 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 5: running into problems because of some unfinished business from your 57 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 5: past that you need to address, and that we're just 58 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,799 Speaker 5: not taught in school the basics of love and loving 59 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 5: ourselves and being in a romantic relationship. 60 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,240 Speaker 1: That's so well said too. I remember having my first 61 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,920 Speaker 1: boyfriend and not knowing if things were normal or not, 62 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: and then having my first deep love and still not 63 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: even knowing if certain things were normal or not. Can 64 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 1: we have a PSA for a love class in high school? 65 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 4: I mean yes, can we? 66 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 1: I feel like we need this? Can you can you 67 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: write the curriculum? 68 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 5: I would love to, but yeah, this is the thing. Yeah, 69 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 5: we just don't learn these things, and we don't learn 70 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 5: the value of it, and why it's so important to 71 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 5: really work on this aspect of our lives. 72 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, Danielle, to what you were just saying, do 73 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 2: we ever get to a point where we understand what 74 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,880 Speaker 2: is normal and what's not in relationships? 75 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 5: I think it's like it's how you define normal. I 76 00:03:55,320 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 5: think more it's what's the tolerable versus the intolerable. And 77 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 5: I think one thing that's not quote unquote normalized enough 78 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 5: is it's normal to have. 79 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 4: Some doubt and some ambivalence. Now, you don't want to 80 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 4: have a ton of ambivalence, and. 81 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 5: You don't want to have a ton of doubt, but 82 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 5: it's normal to wake up sometimes and say is this right? 83 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 5: You know, what is right for me? Just that's sort 84 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,000 Speaker 5: of part of being human. And then also it's so important. 85 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,920 Speaker 5: A lot of people don't recognize that there are certain 86 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 5: things that are absolutely intolerable in a relationship, but there's 87 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,040 Speaker 5: going to be more things that you're going. 88 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 4: To have to be flexible about. 89 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: Well, in that vein, I'm curious why you think people 90 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,480 Speaker 1: pursue or even stay in unhealthy relationships. 91 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 4: So why do people stay in relationships that. 92 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:49,839 Speaker 6: Are unhealthy for them because they feel hopeless and helpless. 93 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 6: They want it to be different, but they don't know 94 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 6: how to be different. Why do people stay in relationships 95 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,040 Speaker 6: with people who treat them badly because they do I 96 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 6: don't recognize that they deserve more. That kind of goes 97 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 6: full circle to or a conversation about the tolerable versus 98 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 6: the intolerable, like they literally they don't know what's like 99 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 6: you said, like, how do we know what's normal in 100 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,920 Speaker 6: a relationship? They don't know that what's happening is actually 101 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:20,919 Speaker 6: not normal. And sometimes they're there because they don't have 102 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 6: the money to leave, you know, sometimes there's socioeconomic things. 103 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 6: But let's just suppose it's not that pathological fear of 104 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,040 Speaker 6: being alone, a pathological fear of it not working out. 105 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 6: Usually within the cadence of like a quote unquote toxic 106 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 6: relationship is periods of closeness followed by very intense disruption 107 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,400 Speaker 6: of that closeness, like conflict, and then coming back to 108 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 6: closeness again. And so what it becomes is a roller 109 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,599 Speaker 6: coaster that, believe it or not, you become habituated to. 110 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 6: So it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a 111 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:00,719 Speaker 6: lot of people to leave that. So why do people 112 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 6: seek out these relations No one seeks out an unhealthy relationship. 113 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 6: Nobody wants that you said something that was super wise, 114 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,280 Speaker 6: Which is if you don't really know who you are, 115 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,280 Speaker 6: if you don't have a sense of what is that 116 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 6: you deserve, and you don't have a sense of what 117 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 6: you need in a relationship, you'll seek out things that are. 118 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 4: Familiar to you. 119 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 6: So if you had a very troubling relationship with a 120 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,039 Speaker 6: parent as a child, or you saw your parents have 121 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 6: a very troubling relationship, even though it's so illogical to 122 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 6: think that we would go for someone who mirrors that experience, 123 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 6: to our unconscious, it's incredibly familiar. 124 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,600 Speaker 4: So we're just doing what we know. And then once 125 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 4: we're in it, we have our own stuff. 126 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 6: We don't know how to have a conversation when we're afraid, 127 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 6: we don't know how to be an advocate for ourselves, 128 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 6: we don't know how to regulate our anger, and we 129 00:06:55,760 --> 00:07:03,600 Speaker 6: don't understand the ramifications of resentment, and so that's typically 130 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 6: that's it. You know, I'll never forget It was just 131 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 6: a few months into my marriage, and it was just 132 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 6: I was having a really hard time, and I'll never 133 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 6: forget my mom asking me. 134 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 4: Do you think you made a mistake? 135 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 1: WHOA? 136 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 6: And she said it in a way that was compassionate, like, 137 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,080 Speaker 6: we all make mistakes. Maybe this is just a mistake. 138 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 6: And I couldn't even fathom that, because I was like, 139 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 6: that's a mistake. That's so huge, and I didn't even 140 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 6: know how to digest and process that. But it certainly 141 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 6: crossed my mind. It wasn't like, oh, I'm in the 142 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 6: wrong relationship once we broke up. I mean, typically breakups 143 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 6: don't happen out of the blue. The way in which 144 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 6: one is broken up with can be very jarring and 145 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 6: very abandoning and very out of the blue. But typically 146 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 6: there's months, sometimes years leading up to that demise where 147 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 6: you're unhappy. Else why so many people, let's say, who 148 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:09,000 Speaker 6: were heartbroken or rejected. Part of the processing is to 149 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 6: help them remember that you weren't actually that happy. Yeah, 150 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 6: this was actually very very difficult, and to remind people. 151 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 3: Of that, Jillian. 152 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,120 Speaker 2: As you were just speaking, I was thinking about the 153 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 2: tremendous heartbreak that you suffered. I cannot imagine a more 154 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 2: horrific way for a marriage to end. You were suffering 155 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 2: a miscarriage and your husband basically ended the marriage over 156 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:39,320 Speaker 2: the phone. Uh yeah, text, where are you at in 157 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 2: terms of your faith in relationships now? Because for me, 158 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 2: that would have rattled me to my core. 159 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 4: It did rattle me to my core. 160 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 6: I mean it rattled me to the point where there 161 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 6: was a long time where I would just look at 162 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 6: men and just be almost afraid of them and lost 163 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 6: all trust in them and faith in them, lost all 164 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 6: trust and myself. But it's been many years now, and 165 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,200 Speaker 6: so I process and through doing this in our work 166 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,000 Speaker 6: and just understanding the nature of relationships. 167 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 4: No, I don't feel rattled by it anymore. 168 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 6: But what I will say is the interesting thing about 169 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,600 Speaker 6: doing this work with people that you have to be 170 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 6: very careful of. And this is something that coaches that 171 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:27,560 Speaker 6: therapists talk about often, which is, don't get influenced by 172 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 6: other people's bad experiences. 173 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: Before we get into your book, I have one question 174 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, I interviewed somebody about heartbreak and she said, 175 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 1: I really miss the person I was before that heartbreak. 176 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: I miss that girl, that girl that was trusting and 177 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: a little bit more naive and didn't want to look 178 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: at my boyfriend's phone and all those things, and I 179 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 1: went through a really brutal breakup, and I feel like 180 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,440 Speaker 1: it was the best lesson in my life. Pushed me 181 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: towards therapy and a lot of really necessary growth. I'm 182 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: kind of happy that the naivete lifted a bit. Yes, 183 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: while I still understand what she's saying, there's pieces of 184 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 1: me that like were like, I don't jump into love 185 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,520 Speaker 1: the same way I used to. And you had such 186 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:23,080 Speaker 1: a brutal breakup. I'm curious how you feel about that. 187 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 6: Yeah, when I think about what you're sharing, it's innocence, right, 188 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 6: It's the loss of innocence, And I think that that's 189 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,520 Speaker 6: always something that we grieve in our lives, is because 190 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:40,199 Speaker 6: with innocence, we're not so aware of the darkness that 191 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 6: exists in life. But in reality, naivete and dating just 192 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 6: means that you're gonna be with predatory people, and so 193 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 6: we don't want to be naive That's interesting and so 194 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:57,320 Speaker 6: but there's heartbreak and then there's betrayal, and yeah, you 195 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 6: can miss that person beforehand, and I think it's just 196 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 6: one of the hard things about being a human being, 197 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,319 Speaker 6: and one of the conundrums of being a human being. 198 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 4: What is the opposite of innocence, it's wisdom. And so 199 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,080 Speaker 4: you learn all these things and you're very familiar with 200 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,440 Speaker 4: the darkness, but you have to make sure that you 201 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:23,320 Speaker 4: don't then get too sucked into the darkness and think 202 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 4: everything is dark. 203 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,679 Speaker 2: We've got to take a short break, but we'll be 204 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 2: right back with Jillian to Reki. 205 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 3: And we're back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki. 206 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,719 Speaker 1: You offer these nine big truths, and so Simone and 207 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: I want to go through a couple of them with you. 208 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: The first one is it begins with you, and you 209 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: say that the common denominator in all of our relationships 210 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: is one thing ourselves in theory that makes absolute perfect 211 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: sense in practice. What does that mean? 212 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 6: So what it doesn't mean is the platitude that the 213 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,880 Speaker 6: problem is you. Yeah, the problem could be you, but 214 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 6: just because it begins with you, it doesn't mean you could. 215 00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 6: I definitely have been in a relationship or in relationships 216 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 6: with people who were objectively speaking more quote unquote problematic than. 217 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 4: You, but you chose them and you fell in love 218 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 4: with them. 219 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 6: And so our lives are really the sum total decisions 220 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,480 Speaker 6: and the choices that we make. And so what it 221 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 6: really means in practicality is hey, there is so little 222 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 6: that we have control of in this life. In fact, 223 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 6: most things are not in our control. Most things that 224 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,079 Speaker 6: we think our control are an illusion. But we do 225 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 6: have control over how we're going to show up in 226 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 6: our beliefs at all of that. And isn't that incredibly empowering? 227 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 6: And that you have to be the change that you 228 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 6: wish to see in your love life? And so in practicality, 229 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,439 Speaker 6: it's so, let's investigate the beliefs that you have about 230 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 6: love rather about men or women, and let's see where 231 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 6: you got them. If you have a really negative belief 232 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 6: about love, at what point was that belief born? Oh, 233 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,680 Speaker 6: it was born after my last relationship and this breakup 234 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:16,000 Speaker 6: and this horrible experience. Okay, well, let's put some framework 235 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 6: around that. What are some of the red flags that may. 236 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 4: Be you ignored? 237 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 6: Is it possible that you had an experience that maybe 238 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 6: billions of people have had as well, that this is 239 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 6: just sort of part of it. There's so many different 240 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,319 Speaker 6: things to kind of look at. But it's not going 241 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,199 Speaker 6: to change by blaming mom. It's not going to change 242 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,559 Speaker 6: by blaming dad. It's not going to be changed by 243 00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 6: blaming your exes, and it's not going to change with 244 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 6: you blaming yourself, but it is going to change if 245 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 6: you can actually really take the step, the courageous step 246 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:55,400 Speaker 6: of doing the necessary self examination to grow into the 247 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,000 Speaker 6: person that you want to be in a relationship. 248 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 3: There's a part in the book a phrase really blew 249 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 3: my mind. Jillian. 250 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 2: You said, pedestals are for teenagers. They have no place 251 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 2: in adult love. 252 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,200 Speaker 6: I love this one so much, Jillian, Yeah, you know, 253 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 6: it's so funny. I I and I think there's some 254 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 6: nuance to it when both people are really I think 255 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,240 Speaker 6: there's something beautiful about two people being in a relationship 256 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 6: and seeing the other as really wonderful, and maybe seeing 257 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 6: the other as more wonderful than the person can see 258 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 6: as themselves. You can interpret that as a pedestal, but 259 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 6: in the purpose of that chapter for teenagers, it's I 260 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,800 Speaker 6: don't know you, but I'm going to project my thirteen 261 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,600 Speaker 6: year old ideal of what like a perfect partner is 262 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 6: or my crush onto you, and I'm going to make 263 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 6: you really really important even though I don't know you, 264 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,000 Speaker 6: And then one thing could be well, once I do 265 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 6: get to know you and I see that you're actually 266 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 6: not a representation of my ideal. 267 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 4: But you are a real man or a real woman, 268 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 4: not this Phanta that I have projected onto you. 269 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 6: Then you're going to fall off the pedestal, and then 270 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 6: you are going to feel like the fallen hero, and 271 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 6: I'm just going to be disappointed. And that's teenage love. 272 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 6: Teenage love is all about lust. It's all about fantasy 273 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 6: and excitement. It's not really about Oh, we're too real, flawed, 274 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 6: nuanced people with depth, and we have to kind of 275 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 6: accept each other. 276 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 1: I also feel like when you put somebody on a pedestal, 277 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 1: you act really weird, like the real you isn't able 278 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,240 Speaker 1: to come out totally. 279 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 3: Yeah. 280 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 6: Yes, because when you put someone up on a pedestal, 281 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 6: they're up here, you're down here, and so you never 282 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 6: you always feel like they're out of your league or 283 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 6: better than you. 284 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 4: You feel less then. 285 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 6: And so to your point, it's how am I going 286 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 6: to live up? 287 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 4: How am I going to be enough for this person 288 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,960 Speaker 4: who I've already decided is so amazing that I'm actually 289 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,760 Speaker 4: not incredibly worthy of them. So I have to figure 290 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,000 Speaker 4: a way to scramble to be worthy for them, And 291 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 4: that's always a bad scenario. 292 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: This next one that you write, the mind is a battlefield, 293 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: and stay in your head or your relationship is dead. 294 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: So drop some wisdom on us. What role do our 295 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 1: minds play in our relationships? 296 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,000 Speaker 6: Yeah, our minds are designed to keep us safe, not 297 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 6: to really make us happy. To learn how to feel 298 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 6: fulfilled and to find joy in life is something that 299 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:34,840 Speaker 6: many of us have to train ourselves to do. I know, 300 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 6: for me, I was raised in a family. I was 301 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,600 Speaker 6: raised in an immigrant family, so it was pretty much 302 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 6: like the glasses half empty. So I had to really 303 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 6: train myself to learn a little bit more positivity in life. 304 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 6: And so that chapter is really about It's a chapter 305 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 6: about the mind and more importantly, why mind fullness is 306 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 6: so important and such an important element to a relationship, 307 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:04,880 Speaker 6: and how. 308 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,440 Speaker 4: Easy it is to be mindless. 309 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 2: Can you say more about mindfulness and relationships? Why is 310 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:11,960 Speaker 2: that so essential? 311 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 6: Yeah, because mindfulness it's sort of like self awareness. It's 312 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 6: I'm being mindful of the fact that I'm telling a 313 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:25,080 Speaker 6: story right now, I'm being mindful of my partner's needs, 314 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:31,400 Speaker 6: I'm being mindful of my own prejudices. So, for example, 315 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,439 Speaker 6: your spouse, let's say you're married to a man, they 316 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 6: do something that you don't like, then how easy you 317 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 6: can go into a narrative about men men in general, right, 318 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,639 Speaker 6: and then that feeds the machine and then all of 319 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 6: a sudden you're hating in some way your spouse. So 320 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:53,960 Speaker 6: mindfulness is the ability to have that sort of discernment 321 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,639 Speaker 6: of when you're going into that kind of rhetoric in 322 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,960 Speaker 6: your mind and interrect that with hey, I need to 323 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,440 Speaker 6: soften a little bit. This is about me right now, 324 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,680 Speaker 6: this isn't about them. Another thing of mindfulness is, you know, 325 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,399 Speaker 6: we can be stressed out in a bad mood for 326 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 6: various reasons. But when we are stressed out or tired 327 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 6: or in a bad mood just not in a good 328 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 6: emotional state, psycho emotional state, physiological state, even that's going 329 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,440 Speaker 6: to put a filter in front of our eyes and 330 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,439 Speaker 6: we're going to see the world and the people in 331 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 6: it clouded. And so mindfulness is when we're frustrated, for example, 332 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,280 Speaker 6: with our partner, is just having the awareness to say, 333 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,360 Speaker 6: is this something like did they do something. 334 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 4: That perhaps crossed the boundary with me? Or am I 335 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 4: really tired and stressed out and going through a hard time? 336 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 4: And so nothing that they do is going to be 337 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 4: good enough right now. Yeah. Yeah, and that level of 338 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,240 Speaker 4: mind Yeah. 339 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 2: I've never thought about mindfulness this way. I never thought 340 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,160 Speaker 2: about it in the context of a relationship. 341 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 6: It's that was one of the most profound lessons that 342 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 6: I learned, and just being mindful because it's also being 343 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:18,120 Speaker 6: mindful of our energy and how we impact our environment. 344 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 4: Yes. 345 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, there's one thing that's helped me, both in romantic 346 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: relationship and in any relationship. And it's like, every time 347 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,879 Speaker 1: I feel myself getting critical, I'm like, okay, swap it 348 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 1: with curiosity. Oh and it's nice asking the quick because 349 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,480 Speaker 1: you mentioned such beautiful questions, Jillian, and it's like that's 350 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,679 Speaker 1: the check in because it's the same C word, And 351 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 1: like I need to swap it in my mind because 352 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,800 Speaker 1: I feel the criticism and the judgment come up and 353 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,760 Speaker 1: I don't like that. It doesn't make me feel good. 354 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,440 Speaker 6: Yeah. 355 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:48,560 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, that's so good. 356 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:49,920 Speaker 4: Oh that's very mindful. 357 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, very very I'm not a total mess. 358 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 4: Okay, Yeah, you're not a mess at all. 359 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, I am a total mess. 360 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 2: Well, there are so many bangers in this book. We're 361 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 2: going to try to get through as many as we can. 362 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:09,480 Speaker 2: But another reframe that stood out to me is lust 363 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,159 Speaker 2: is not the same thing as love. This is a 364 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,920 Speaker 2: complicated one because when I hear that, I think it's 365 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 2: still really hard for us to understand myself included, that 366 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 2: physical chemistry and true connection with someone are actually two 367 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 2: very different things, although I feel like both are necessary. Yes, 368 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 2: how do we start to understand the difference and how 369 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,880 Speaker 2: will that change things once we do? 370 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,760 Speaker 6: Okay, so we were just talking a moment ago about pedestals, right, Yes, 371 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,760 Speaker 6: lust is something that just sort of happens. Love is 372 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 6: also a choice, it's a practice, it's an action. It's like, oh, 373 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 6: I'm not really in the mood to be very loving 374 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 6: right now, but I'm in a relationship and I'm going 375 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 6: to transcend that and give love. And people think, well, 376 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:55,560 Speaker 6: that's exhausting, Well, but you get so much in return. 377 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 6: What you do is you get to then have an 378 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 6: exchange of love between you and your partner, and that's 379 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 6: very fulfilling. And lust if we're bored, if we're lonely, 380 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 6: if you don't have a lot of purpose in life, 381 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 6: these are all things that when we meet someone and 382 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 6: we're attracted to them, it can make us super super excited, 383 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 6: to the point where romantic right, and we think if 384 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,919 Speaker 6: I'm attracted to this person, then they must be. 385 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 1: Right. 386 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 6: If I'm attracted to this person, then I should pursue 387 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,640 Speaker 6: a relationship with them. When I'm attracted to this person, 388 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,760 Speaker 6: they must be amazing. 389 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 4: No no, no, no no, you're just experiencing chemistry. That doesn't 390 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 4: mean they're amazing. Doesn't mean they're not amazing. They could be. 391 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 4: They could be. 392 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 6: It's just don't confuse that with love. Don't confuse with 393 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,159 Speaker 6: thinking someone is the one because it's three months in 394 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,119 Speaker 6: and you're really excited about them. So have the excitement, 395 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,920 Speaker 6: but process your enthusiasm to understand that all those chemicals 396 00:21:55,920 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 6: and everything that's happening, that is just you in life. 397 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,919 Speaker 6: Alla land in a fantasy, very excited about someone, and 398 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,800 Speaker 6: you just have to get to know them, and that 399 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,760 Speaker 6: so many people are chasing that high when really love 400 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,280 Speaker 6: is what happens. Like I said, after the honeymoon, once 401 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,360 Speaker 6: you're starting to build trust and safety, it doesn't mean 402 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 6: the chemistry goes away. But all that craziness in the 403 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,160 Speaker 6: beginning is something that is really more about the danger 404 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 6: of it all, the newness of it all, the novelty 405 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:31,199 Speaker 6: of it all, and you don't want to confuse that 406 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 6: you can make a relationship just work based on that alone. 407 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 3: You actually you mentioned three months. 408 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 2: And in the book you say that that's kind of 409 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,719 Speaker 2: like the magic number that if you're not progressing or 410 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 2: integrating into each other's lives at that point, things are, 411 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,440 Speaker 2: you know, not really looking good for the potential of 412 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,400 Speaker 2: the relationship. When I read that, I was like, Ooh, 413 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,199 Speaker 2: I feel like that's going to be so hard for 414 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 2: a lot of people to hear. Necessary again coming back 415 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,000 Speaker 2: to hard truths, because we tend to still want to 416 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:02,640 Speaker 2: hold on to it, and we're hopeful about the potential 417 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 2: of the relationship and we want to fight for it. 418 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 3: Why that number? Why is three months so telling? 419 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,159 Speaker 2: And what should we do in that situation if we 420 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,920 Speaker 2: aren't integrating at that three month mark? 421 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,240 Speaker 6: And look, sometimes it's sooner. I'm not a rules girl 422 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,399 Speaker 6: or anything like that. It's and progression looks different. Just 423 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 6: but if you are spending a lot of time with 424 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,639 Speaker 6: someone and you're sleeping over and you're and you're having sex, 425 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 6: and three months in you're not talking about, Hey, where 426 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,200 Speaker 6: do we want this to go? What are our intentions here? 427 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 6: I mean, I think people should be meeting each other's 428 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 6: friends and family very very early on, because you can't 429 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 6: really understand or know a person without seeing them within 430 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,080 Speaker 6: the context of their environment. So I think that has 431 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 6: to happen really soon. But a lot of people will 432 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 6: kind of get in this sort of bubble and enter 433 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:54,119 Speaker 6: what is referred to as a situationship where it's like 434 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 6: you're spending all this time together but there's no intentionality 435 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 6: behind it, and three months, Like, I mean, I know 436 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,959 Speaker 6: people who've spent every weekend with someone, you know, speaking 437 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 6: to them every day, and then you know, three months 438 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 6: and they're like, yeah, I don't want to put a 439 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,320 Speaker 6: label on it. That's absolutely ridiculous, and that person's not 440 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,520 Speaker 6: interested in the way that you think they are. They 441 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 6: want all the benefits of being in a relationship without 442 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:20,040 Speaker 6: the responsibility. So it's around three months, But the bigger 443 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 6: point is are you progressing, Are you having the necessary conversations? 444 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,320 Speaker 4: Do you feel like it's growing. 445 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,399 Speaker 6: Anything that we partake in, whether it's a relationship or not, 446 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:31,480 Speaker 6: has to grow. 447 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,240 Speaker 4: If it's not growing, it becomes stuck. If it's stuck 448 00:24:34,359 --> 00:24:35,240 Speaker 4: eventually dies. 449 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 6: So you just want to feel like there's progressing and 450 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,200 Speaker 6: that there's the necessary conversations to make it progress. Don't 451 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 6: get in something that just stays the same three months in. 452 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,720 Speaker 6: You don't know And your next question is how do 453 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 6: you get it to go anywhere? You say, what are 454 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 6: we doing here? Would you instead of just saying what 455 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:55,840 Speaker 6: do you want? 456 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:56,960 Speaker 4: This is what I want? 457 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,280 Speaker 6: I think it's time for us to figure out what 458 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,840 Speaker 6: our intention is are with this, Like where we're going 459 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,280 Speaker 6: with this? This is where I would really love for 460 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:04,760 Speaker 6: it to go. 461 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 4: How do you feel. 462 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,160 Speaker 1: It's time for another quick break? But don't go anywhere. 463 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: We'll be right back with Jillian to Reki, And we're 464 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,800 Speaker 1: back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki. What do you 465 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,200 Speaker 1: think love is, Jillian? Because like, if you had such 466 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: a great definition of chemistry and lust, how do I 467 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: know if I'm in love? Yeah? 468 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,639 Speaker 6: You know, it's a hard thing to define. I think 469 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 6: that when you can say to yourself, I can live 470 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,679 Speaker 6: without this person, but I really really don't want to. 471 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 1: That's really nice. 472 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 4: This person's happiness and their needs and their well being 473 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 4: is as important to me as my own. I want 474 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,479 Speaker 4: them to be I want them to succeed in life. 475 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,440 Speaker 6: I really want them to be happy like I want 476 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 6: them to have everything that there are desires. 477 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,280 Speaker 4: That could be love, that could be love for a 478 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 4: child too. In love is all that, And I want 479 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,680 Speaker 4: to have sex with you. And maybe I don't want 480 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:13,119 Speaker 4: to have sex. 481 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,800 Speaker 6: With you every single day because I've been with you 482 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,960 Speaker 6: for so long, but there's still desire there. 483 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 1: I heard you recently on a podcast say, don't play 484 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 1: house with a stranger. Yes, And I know exactly what 485 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,719 Speaker 1: you mean. So many of my girlfriends do this, okay, 486 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: And I don't mean to like shine the light on them, 487 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,120 Speaker 1: but I see them do it. They're at the farmer's 488 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 1: market on Sunday with this guy that they met on Thursday, 489 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: and they spend the whole weekend together and they're acting like, 490 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,359 Speaker 1: you know, they're walking a dog, and I'm like, are 491 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,960 Speaker 1: you guys dating or what's going on? 492 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, don't do it that? 493 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 5: See? 494 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 1: Is that a new thing? Did that happen in our parents' generation? 495 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 6: I don't think that happened in our parents' generation, because 496 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:55,640 Speaker 6: I think in our parents' generation, especially my parents' generation, 497 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,040 Speaker 6: it was more a little bit more formal than that. 498 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,719 Speaker 6: I think there was and I think there was dating. 499 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 6: I also think there were certain rules around sex and 500 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 6: all of that and no, so I think that's a 501 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 6: little bit more modern. I think it's more modern. Let's 502 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 6: just put it that way. It's just a false sense 503 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,920 Speaker 6: of intimacy, and I really worry about it, especially for women, 504 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 6: because then they think, oh, like, we're in a relationship, 505 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 6: but that could be there could be a whole different 506 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,960 Speaker 6: reality that's happening for the other person. And then you're 507 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,000 Speaker 6: doing that with someone who is a stranger, you don't 508 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,760 Speaker 6: even know if you like them. And it's just when 509 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,639 Speaker 6: we do that because we want so badly to be 510 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,359 Speaker 6: in a relationship and it feels so comfortable, but it's 511 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,679 Speaker 6: when you don't know someone and you don't have that 512 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,200 Speaker 6: trust and you haven't had those conversations, it can then 513 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 6: just leave you feeling very empty in size. So then 514 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:49,120 Speaker 6: you part for the weekend and then you don't even 515 00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,200 Speaker 6: hear from them, and then you just had this experience 516 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,200 Speaker 6: and it can just be very disorienting. 517 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,119 Speaker 1: What's coming up for most women nowadays? 518 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,800 Speaker 4: Single women or coupled women. 519 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,879 Speaker 1: Oh both. Let's start with single women. 520 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,400 Speaker 4: I think for single women it's the same thing. 521 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:11,240 Speaker 6: Well, finding someone emotionally available, that's a big one for them. 522 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,359 Speaker 6: But I also think there's a lot of women these 523 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 6: days who are wanting to really live their life to 524 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 6: the fullest and trying to like figure out a way 525 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,159 Speaker 6: to really live their life to the fullest where they 526 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 6: can want a relationship but it doesn't become so all 527 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 6: consuming for them. I think women in relationships, a lot 528 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 6: of what comes up for them is just you know, 529 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 6: it's the same thing. It's just needs being met, being heard, 530 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 6: being seen. A lot of women who have children, it's 531 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 6: exhausting trying to figure out their identity. I'm a mother, 532 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:46,720 Speaker 6: I'm a wife, I'm a partner. Where am I on 533 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:50,400 Speaker 6: all this? So just learning that, I think that that's 534 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 6: always a big one. Those are the biggest ones for. 535 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 3: Sure, Jillian. 536 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 2: Of the nine hard truths that you address in your book, 537 00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 2: which one has been the hardest truth for you to 538 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 2: accept in your own journey? 539 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 6: I think the hardest one was making the last one, 540 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 6: which I think is going to be a tough one 541 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 6: for most people. You have to make peace with your parents. 542 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 2: That felt very deliberate that you would include that as 543 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 2: like the final step in the process. 544 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,720 Speaker 6: Yes, it was very It was very deliberate that that 545 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 6: would be the last one. 546 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 4: It's the hardest truth I think for people to get. 547 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:24,479 Speaker 4: And you know, my relationship with my father, which was 548 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 4: always extremely troubled, was just that theme in my life 549 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:33,600 Speaker 4: that sort of just followed me everywhere, and so learning 550 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 4: how to let go of the hatred and fear. 551 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 6: That I had towards him and of him was a 552 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:47,280 Speaker 6: huge part of my personal development or spiritual journey. 553 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:51,280 Speaker 4: And really what that chapter is about. And I certainly 554 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 4: don't if someone's been and I mentioned this, if someone's 555 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 4: been severely abused or molested, I'm not saying make peace 556 00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 4: with your parents. 557 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 6: You can have a great relationship with your parent. This 558 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 6: is just about one. For some people, it's emancipating themselves 559 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 6: from their parents' belief system so that they can live 560 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,480 Speaker 6: the life that they feel that they're meant to live, 561 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 6: versus living the life that they believe their parents want 562 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:11,760 Speaker 6: them to live. 563 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, that's so big. That is a huge one. 564 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 4: It's a big one. 565 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 6: And another one is the story that you have of 566 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,560 Speaker 6: your parent that's maybe troubled. How much does that have 567 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,280 Speaker 6: a choke hold in your life? How much is it 568 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,920 Speaker 6: controlling your life? And is it time to look at 569 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 6: the story differently from the perspective of being an adult 570 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 6: rather than through the filter of yourself as a child, 571 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,920 Speaker 6: and a lot of that letting go forgiveness, compassion reframing. 572 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 4: I would not be here sitting here today. 573 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,680 Speaker 6: I would never have written the book had I had 574 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 6: the father that I deserve to have. What we want 575 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:52,120 Speaker 6: in childhood does not guarantee a good life. It doesn't 576 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:53,680 Speaker 6: mean getting what you want means you're gonna have a 577 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 6: bad life, no, but it doesn't actually guarantee you a 578 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 6: good life. There's some people out there who have the 579 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 6: most interesting lives and they come from a men's trauma. 580 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 6: So it's sometimes just understanding that is what can help 581 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,520 Speaker 6: you reframe the story. 582 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 2: Jillian, this has been so enlightening and I feel like 583 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,719 Speaker 2: we have barely scratched the surface. 584 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,600 Speaker 3: Thank you so much, thank. 585 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,440 Speaker 4: You, thank you so much for having me. The two 586 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 4: of you are delightful and it was really great to 587 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:25,840 Speaker 4: be here. 588 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:32,640 Speaker 2: Jillian Treki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and author. 589 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,560 Speaker 1: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, in honor of American 590 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: Heart Month and Valentine's Day, we're talking all about heart 591 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: health with cardiologists doctor Jennifer Hath She joins us to 592 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 1: share tips and information that could literally save your life. 593 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:48,560 Speaker 1: You don't want to miss it. 594 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,560 Speaker 2: Join the conversation using hashtag the bright Side and connect 595 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 2: with us on social media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram 596 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 2: and at the bright Side Pod on TikTok oh, and 597 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,680 Speaker 2: feel free to tag us at Simone Boys and at 598 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 2: Danielle Robe. 599 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 600 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,840 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 601 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:13,880 Speaker 2: See you tomorrow, folks, keep looking on the bright side.