Speaker 1: I am, I Amla. I had a baby daddy relationship,
Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the question in a relationship is not how do
Speaker 1: I leave? The question is how do I stay? How
Speaker 1: do I stay where I'm unhappy? How do I stay
Speaker 1: where I'm not being fulfilled? How do I stay where
Speaker 1: I know I don't want to be? How do I stay? Well?
Speaker 1: Sometimes you can't stay. Sometimes you have left even before
Speaker 1: you turn your key over, And that's probably more difficult
Speaker 1: to be in than if you just gather up whatever nerve, courage,
Speaker 1: strength you need to say this just isn't working for me.
Speaker 1: Sometime the work to make it work is harder than
Speaker 1: the work you'll have to do to just step out
Speaker 1: of it. How do you stay? How do you stay
Speaker 1: if you can't tell the truth? How do you stay
Speaker 1: if you can't find a compromise? How do you stay? Well?
Speaker 1: You can't stay? But then the real question becomes, well,
Speaker 1: how do I leave? How do I leave with my
Speaker 1: self intact? How do I leave the other person intact?
Speaker 1: How do I leave and handle my responsibilities? How do
Speaker 1: I leave? And what I always tell people is you
Speaker 1: really can't leave or won't leave until you can stay,
Speaker 1: until you can be in the same place with the
Speaker 1: person being honest and forthright, without being cruel and abusive
Speaker 1: or abrasive. You can't leave because if you leave in
Speaker 1: the middle of a fight, that fight will follow you.
Speaker 1: So how do you stay with the clear vision that
Speaker 1: you're done? How do you stay with compassion for yourself
Speaker 1: first and for what the other person is going through?
Speaker 1: How do you stay? You stay with your heart and
Speaker 1: your mind to open that your best interests and the
Speaker 1: person's best interests will be best served when you go.
Speaker 1: You stay and you create an exit plan. Stay and
Speaker 1: you pray, You pray that you get your lessons and
Speaker 1: that you understand what you've done. Can't leave until you
Speaker 1: can stay. That's what I want my first caller to
Speaker 1: hear today, because the truth is they're already gone. Now
Speaker 1: the question becomes how do you get out? Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. I'm so glad that
Speaker 1: you could join me today and tell me what is
Speaker 1: your relationship challenge, issue dilemma that we are going to
Speaker 1: be working on. My own challenge today is with my wife.
Speaker 1: We've been together six years. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: should start from the beginning or tell you how I'm
Speaker 1: feeling now. Well, tell me now, because I can't do
Speaker 1: nothing about the beginning. If I need to know, we'll
Speaker 1: go back there okay, which she probably will, but I
Speaker 1: don't feel it now. It's I feel like it's time
Speaker 1: for me to go. I love her, but I'm not
Speaker 1: in love anymore. I lost attraction and the energy to
Speaker 1: keep making trying to make the relationship work like I
Speaker 1: lost myself. Trying to satisfy her and make her happy.
Speaker 1: Attention that she requires it drains me. I've even broken
Speaker 1: relationships with family and friends to try to satisfy her.
Speaker 1: She's in one room, I have to be another. I
Speaker 1: get more of a peace of mind enjoyed when I'm alone.
Speaker 1: I feel like I would have left by now. But
Speaker 1: we do have four kids together, so I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that I really hold on to a thought
Speaker 1: of and raising my kids in the same household. But
Speaker 1: I don't want to be unhappy and regret and later
Speaker 1: on in life. I want the best for her, and
Speaker 1: I want her to be happy as well, But I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not feeling like that. Maybe me, I want
Speaker 1: her to be mentally saber as well, so she could
Speaker 1: raise my kids the right way. If that's the way
Speaker 1: it's going to go, it's a big challenge for me
Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, can I ask how old you are?
Speaker 1: Twenty three? You are twenty three? And did I hear
Speaker 1: you say you have four children? Yes? Now? Four children
Speaker 1: at twenty three and you've only been married nine months? Yes? Now,
Speaker 1: oh my goodness? How old are your children? I owe
Speaker 1: these three? I have twins, that's two, and I have
Speaker 1: a two month old. So let me ask you this first.
Speaker 1: What is your question to me? God? Because I'm not
Speaker 1: hearing the question here, I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm making Would I be making the right decision
Speaker 1: to leave? So let me ask you something. Yes, are
Speaker 1: you making the right decision for you to leave this marriage?
Speaker 1: I don't know? Yes, you do. There's a distinction between
Speaker 1: not knowing if you should leave and not knowing how
Speaker 1: to leave. Right I think you've already left. If you're
Speaker 1: telling me you've got to be in another room to
Speaker 1: be happy, because you don't leave a marriage when you
Speaker 1: walk out the door. You leave the marriage first in
Speaker 1: your heart and then in your mind. Yeah, so where
Speaker 1: is your mind? Now? Where's your mind? Because it's not there.
Speaker 1: It's to the point to now that I may be
Speaker 1: interested in other women. Now I don't want to see
Speaker 1: her anything. I'd rather, you know, let her know and
Speaker 1: what's going on and try to have that conversation with her.
Speaker 1: There was a movie, if I'm not mistaken, Tyler Perry
Speaker 1: did the movie called Why did I Get Married? Why
Speaker 1: Did You get married? I really didn't want to. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's obvious. I was pressed in through it. I was
Speaker 1: instead of being alone a couple months before, she was
Speaker 1: actually trying to leave me at one point because situation
Speaker 1: with her and my mother and and she felt like
Speaker 1: I didn't support her and she was going to leave
Speaker 1: in hours and fearl being alone. I bet that mistake.
Speaker 1: Were you in fear of being alone or were you
Speaker 1: in fear of losing her? Because there's a distinction there,
Speaker 1: Probably losing her at the time. Sometimes we love somebody,
Speaker 1: we love them and we want them in our life.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be joined at the hip, but
Speaker 1: we want them in our life, and we're afraid that
Speaker 1: if we don't do what they want the way they
Speaker 1: want it, that will lose them totally, which couldn't have
Speaker 1: been your case because you had two children at the time.
Speaker 1: All right, So you want her in your life, but
Speaker 1: you don't want to be joined to her in this
Speaker 1: way anymore? Is that right? Yes, maw Yeah, So what
Speaker 1: is your fear? What is your fear that she wouldn't
Speaker 1: be messing able to raise kids the right way? Maybe
Speaker 1: she may be more focused on somebody trying to love
Speaker 1: her and not raising the kids the right way and
Speaker 1: trying to get back at me instead of moving forward
Speaker 1: and trying to hear that's what I'm trying to do.
Speaker 1: You probably have some experiences with her that tell you that, right,
Speaker 1: that she's going to be focused on herself and not
Speaker 1: on your children. Right. I gotta ask you two questions
Speaker 1: that may seem totally unrelated. Okay, were you raised with
Speaker 1: your dad? Yeah? Do you want to be to your
Speaker 1: children who he wasn't to you? Now, I have a
Speaker 1: grandson your age, a grandson on your age, and I've
Speaker 1: got a grandson that's seven years older than you. So
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you like a grandma. Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't don't. I don't want to be your coach.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be your therapist. I want to
Speaker 1: talk to you like a grandmother. That means I'm gonna
Speaker 1: give you some cold water in your face. Okay, now
Speaker 1: that's what I need. Okay, let me let me ask
Speaker 1: you this before I start. What is your mother saying
Speaker 1: about all of this? I finally had that conversation with
Speaker 1: her because I had stopped talking to her for about
Speaker 1: a year because of her and my wife. But he
Speaker 1: feel like that they bombed heads because my mother would
Speaker 1: point out things that my wife did and my wife
Speaker 1: didn't like that. Or my wife would go to her
Speaker 1: about things about our relationship and she would how to
Speaker 1: make I take accountability. Basically, my wife didn't like that.
Speaker 1: So that's why they started bumping heads. So this is
Speaker 1: Grandma talking to you. Now. This is not Missy on
Speaker 1: Love from fixing my life. This is Grandma. But you
Speaker 1: need some cold water in your face? Okay, And I'm
Speaker 1: doing it out of an old rusty pot, not doing
Speaker 1: it with a nice, a nice glass picture. Okay, First
Speaker 1: of all, my love, what in the blazing But Jesus
Speaker 1: are you doing with four children at twenty three years old?
Speaker 1: If you can't take care of your penis, how are
Speaker 1: you going to take care of four kids and a
Speaker 1: woman that's grandma? Okay? What in the world? What is
Speaker 1: that about? Irresponse? Yes, good for you, good for you?
Speaker 1: And see, as an old lady, I really have challenge
Speaker 1: and issue with young women having children with men who
Speaker 1: don't have their stuff together right, And you don't have
Speaker 1: your stuff together? Where are you with your education? I
Speaker 1: just went to a technical college and got him well
Speaker 1: in diploma and I got my speedos? Okay? And what
Speaker 1: kind of work do you do? Oh? Drive truck? So
Speaker 1: you ain't home half the time? Well? I do be home.
Speaker 1: I come home every day. Okay, you don't. You're not
Speaker 1: a long distance driver. And what do you want to do?
Speaker 1: What is your vision for yourself at twenty three? What's
Speaker 1: your vision beyond your penis or kids? Good for you? Good, good, good?
Speaker 1: But you can't do that if your heart in your
Speaker 1: mind or not at peace? Right? So you let this
Speaker 1: young woman and her who haa, you know what the
Speaker 1: whoha is right, drag you around by the nose and
Speaker 1: didn't even have enough sense to protect yourself. So now
Speaker 1: you got four mouths to feed, and as a man,
Speaker 1: you have to be at your best. You have to
Speaker 1: be at your best in order to create that legacy
Speaker 1: in a way that will benefit your children. And you've
Speaker 1: created these four lives with a woman who obviously doesn't
Speaker 1: respect herself, because if she respected herself, you would not
Speaker 1: be in fear of her denying you your children. So
Speaker 1: we've got to kind of backtrack this now. And like
Speaker 1: I said, the issue here is not are you leaving.
Speaker 1: You're gonna leave you out, You're done, And what you've
Speaker 1: done in the process is that these four young lives
Speaker 1: are going to be collateral damage of your irresponsibility, and
Speaker 1: you just got to suck that up. Tell me what
Speaker 1: you hear me saying, tell me what you're thinking, tell
Speaker 1: me what you're feeling, and then we can go from there.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. You don't have to repeat my words.
Speaker 1: I want to know what you are hearing and thinking
Speaker 1: and feeling. It's over here. The relationship between me and
Speaker 1: her basically over. I'm just trying to hold onto it.
Speaker 1: Why the kids. That's never a good excuse, because you
Speaker 1: can't be any better to them than you are to yourself.
Speaker 1: I have noticed that, Like sometimes I get real impatient
Speaker 1: with them and I catch it. I've spanked them, and
Speaker 1: I could have just talked to him instead of spanking them.
Speaker 1: Read in that moment. And I heard you say earlier
Speaker 1: that you might be interested in other woman. That's first
Speaker 1: of all, that ain't true. You are interested in other woman.
Speaker 1: You're talking to grandma. Grandma got eyes in the back
Speaker 1: of her head. Okay, But the last thing you need
Speaker 1: is a woman, right right, that's the last thing you need.
Speaker 1: What do you need a woman for what you're gonna
Speaker 1: do with I don't. I don't. It's just you know, man,
Speaker 1: got need so sometimes I might need to get my rock.
Speaker 1: So that's all I'm saying. I don't need a woman
Speaker 1: to just be in my life. But you need to
Speaker 1: take a cold shower, take a cold shower, eat some grapes.
Speaker 1: You're getting your rocks off. Got you four kids that
Speaker 1: you now can't be with. Stop it. But that's because
Speaker 1: that's because you're twenty three. You've put the cart before
Speaker 1: the horse. You've created responsibilities for yourself that even in
Speaker 1: your normal development as a man, you know, it's just
Speaker 1: it's a lot. It's a lot. It's not too much
Speaker 1: because it's been done. So what you need, my beloved.
Speaker 1: I could be very wrong here, and I'm not advocating
Speaker 1: the end of your marriage, but from what you've shared
Speaker 1: with me, it sounds to me like you're already gone
Speaker 1: and that's not fair to her, to you, or to
Speaker 1: the children. So what you need is an exit plan,
Speaker 1: which is going to be challenging because you've got a wife,
Speaker 1: you've got four children. You already said you didn't want
Speaker 1: to get married, so you've probably never really been there.
Speaker 1: And I bet y'all had a big wedding complete with
Speaker 1: chicken and people and bridesmaids and all of that. Didn't shit.
Speaker 1: Oh no, we didn't go through all that. Nah. It's
Speaker 1: a good thing because the money y'all would have spent
Speaker 1: on the wedding you could have used to buy a house, right,
Speaker 1: which we did. We did buy a house instead. Oh
Speaker 1: you do have a house. Okay, so you can leave
Speaker 1: her in a house. That's so good. Now where are
Speaker 1: you going? Probably getting apartment? I could take the one
Speaker 1: dead own apartment and found with me. Let's start with
Speaker 1: the studio. It's cheaper, you'll need no bedroom because if
Speaker 1: you have a bedroom, you might want to have company
Speaker 1: that I'm going to say this to you and then
Speaker 1: I want us to work through it. Okay, you cannot
Speaker 1: leave until you can stay. What I mean by that
Speaker 1: that as long as you're angry, as long as you're frustrated,
Speaker 1: as long as you are upset with her, you can't
Speaker 1: leave because what's going to happen is guilt and manipulation
Speaker 1: and fighting is going to bring you back. So you've
Speaker 1: got to be able to be in that house with her,
Speaker 1: be in that place with her, and grow the muscle
Speaker 1: within yourself to say I love her, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be with her. I wish the best for her,
Speaker 1: and I'm not the best for her. I want her
Speaker 1: to be a good mother to my children, and I
Speaker 1: want to support her in that. You've got to get
Speaker 1: to that place within yourself while you are in the
Speaker 1: house with her, Otherwise you're gonna leave. She's gonna use
Speaker 1: the kids as a tool. Y'all be fighting and it'll
Speaker 1: be a mass. So you've got lots of planning to do.
Speaker 1: You need a place to live. You need to look
Speaker 1: at your money and see what are you going to
Speaker 1: be able to provide for her so that when you leave,
Speaker 1: you understand this is what I'm giving, this is what
Speaker 1: I have, this is what I need. How you want
Speaker 1: to see your children? When you want to see your children,
Speaker 1: So that when you talk to her you don't get
Speaker 1: beat up and talked out of your plan. You've got
Speaker 1: to have a plan because what you're doing right now
Speaker 1: is brutal. You can't do that to her, to you,
Speaker 1: to the children. Right. I do want what's best for her.
Speaker 1: I want her to be happy still, but this with
Speaker 1: me or not? But I don't have a plan yet.
Speaker 1: I'm right. I actually wrote everything said down. So are
Speaker 1: come my plan to get them? How far are you
Speaker 1: going to live away from the children? Will you be
Speaker 1: able to get them to school? How often do you
Speaker 1: want to see them? How much money are you going
Speaker 1: to have to give her? When are you going to
Speaker 1: give it to her? You're going to leave her in
Speaker 1: the house for now. But you know, even if you
Speaker 1: went to court to get a separation agreement, which is
Speaker 1: what you're going to do, when you get ready, you
Speaker 1: don't just tell her that you're leaving. You take your
Speaker 1: happy butt down to the courthouse and you file a
Speaker 1: separation agreement, so that you're legally separated, not that you're out,
Speaker 1: you know, benagling around in the street. What you've just done, baby,
Speaker 1: is because you probably didn't have a model and an example,
Speaker 1: you've just taken on more than you can possibly manage
Speaker 1: at your age and your level of development. We'll talk
Speaker 1: about that right at this break. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: art spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So let's
Speaker 1: walk this back and then we'll walk it for for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, you allowed yourself to do something you didn't
Speaker 1: want to do. You didn't want to get married, but
Speaker 1: you were afraid of losing her and your children. Can
Speaker 1: you own that? Can you sit in that? Yeah? And
Speaker 1: how does that make you feel? To know that you
Speaker 1: did something you didn't want to do because you were afraid?
Speaker 1: Kind of we as a man? Oh no, wrong? How
Speaker 1: about sad? Do you feel sad about that? Yes? Well? Yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe a little angry at yourself? Right? Yes? Now? Okay,
Speaker 1: so you feel sad and angry about what you did,
Speaker 1: but you understand in that moment you were afraid, not weak,
Speaker 1: but afraid. There's a distinction. What you're doing now is weak,
Speaker 1: not being able to say look, I'm out. This is
Speaker 1: not good for me. It's not good for me. It's
Speaker 1: not good. I don't want my children to grow up
Speaker 1: with an angry father. I don't want my children to
Speaker 1: grow up with an unhappy father. I don't want them
Speaker 1: to see that. I don't want them to see the
Speaker 1: tension between their father and their mother. That's not what
Speaker 1: I want for my children. Would that be accurate? Yes? Now.
Speaker 1: I try to communicate that too one time before, but
Speaker 1: it didn't work out too good trying to communicate that
Speaker 1: tool and I will trying to communicate that. I wasn't
Speaker 1: happy as well, but I'm trying to work it out.
Speaker 1: How old is she? Twenty three as well? So let
Speaker 1: me just tell you a little bit about her as
Speaker 1: a woman. She is scared to death that at twenty
Speaker 1: three with four children, if you're gone, nobody's gonna want her.
Speaker 1: She just scared to death. I was thinking that as well,
Speaker 1: and I was scared for like, I still want her
Speaker 1: to be loved. Still, won't her to be able to
Speaker 1: find someone easiness? It ain't me. Well, she's got to
Speaker 1: love herself first. Once she learns to love herself, Once
Speaker 1: you learn to love yourself, both of you will be
Speaker 1: able to be in a healthy relationship, because even if
Speaker 1: you didn't protect yourself from creating life that you couldn't
Speaker 1: provide for, she does a woman didn't protect herself. No way.
Speaker 1: Are you to have three kids? Four kids? That twenty
Speaker 1: three when she had them twins, she was supposed to
Speaker 1: shut that thing down. You'all was just out there hopscotching
Speaker 1: on each other and not paying attention. Happens all the time,
Speaker 1: and it's not fatal. You'll be okay. I want the
Speaker 1: children to be okay. I want them to have a strong,
Speaker 1: healthy father and a strong healthy mother. Okay, So you
Speaker 1: did something you didn't want to do because you're afraid.
Speaker 1: Are you clear that you're repeating the same pattern. You're
Speaker 1: doing something staying in the marriage that you don't want
Speaker 1: to be in because you're afraid of what will happen
Speaker 1: if you leave. You're doing the same thing. Yes, now,
Speaker 1: right now? How's that going to turn out for you?
Speaker 1: It'll be it'll be a repeated cycle. Yah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: think Wow. Let's just get clear at first. Are you
Speaker 1: done with this marriage? Yes? Man? Are you willing to
Speaker 1: be a responsible co parent with your children's mother? Yes? Man?
Speaker 1: In order to do that, you're gonna have to be
Speaker 1: her friend. Can you be her friend? I didn't ask
Speaker 1: you if she could be your friend? Can you be
Speaker 1: her friend? Yes? How can you be a good friend
Speaker 1: to her? I could be a good friend her as
Speaker 1: far as importing her, I know, financially, which that's not
Speaker 1: a friend, but just in support of her. I would
Speaker 1: say support of her emotionally, but she probably would block
Speaker 1: me out knowing her, he probably would block me out emotionally.
Speaker 1: So I really don't know how I could be a
Speaker 1: friend too. I would want to be, but I don't
Speaker 1: know how I would be. Well. You being her friend
Speaker 1: is not contingent upon it how she reacts to you.
Speaker 1: So the first thing a good friend does it's always
Speaker 1: tell the truth. Always tell the truth. So if you're
Speaker 1: done with this marriage, but the marriage not with co parenting,
Speaker 1: because I heard you say you're willing to be a
Speaker 1: good co parent, right, hear me what I'm saying to you,
Speaker 1: Then you have to stop expecting the benefits of a husband.
Speaker 1: You have to stop sleeping with her. You have to
Speaker 1: stop expecting how to do your launtry. You have to
Speaker 1: stop expecting how to beat you and do your clothes.
Speaker 1: You have to stop that because sleeping with her, having
Speaker 1: sex with her, doing those kinds of things, you're sending
Speaker 1: a mixed message. Either you're done or you're not done.
Speaker 1: I try to cut it off. That's what aspect of
Speaker 1: our relationship with see you against es sexually first graded in. Well,
Speaker 1: that's her problem. She has to figure out how to
Speaker 1: handle that. You gotta put a little more base in
Speaker 1: your voice and tighten up your bottom pieces because for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, you're letting her drag you around to what
Speaker 1: she wants and you're not getting what you want, and
Speaker 1: what you're doing is not good. No sex. Stop being
Speaker 1: a husband, Start being a co parent. Work with the kids,
Speaker 1: provide the provision, you know, the resources for them. I'm
Speaker 1: taking the kids out, you know, if you got to
Speaker 1: go over to your mom's, go to the park, do whatever.
Speaker 1: Start co parenting. How do I communicate this to her?
Speaker 1: With your behavior, I'm duting. You have to tell her
Speaker 1: a good friend. My best friend tells me the truth
Speaker 1: all the time. Sometimes I don't want to hear it right,
Speaker 1: and she don't argue with me. She don't explain stuff,
Speaker 1: you know, unless I ask her, But she tells me
Speaker 1: the truth. That's how you be a good friend. Number two.
Speaker 1: A good friend handles their responsibilities. They don't make you
Speaker 1: responsible for what they need to do for themselves. Now,
Speaker 1: they may ask for your support, they may ask for
Speaker 1: your input, But a good friend that handles their part
Speaker 1: of the relationship. So if you're there and you're paying
Speaker 1: the bills and you're giving her money or whatever you're doing,
Speaker 1: you continue to do that, Okay. If you can't sleep
Speaker 1: on the sofa or sleep in the kid's room, you
Speaker 1: get into beds, you say good night, you say your prayers,
Speaker 1: and you turn over, and you let her know I'm
Speaker 1: I'm not engaging in sex with you anymore because I'm
Speaker 1: done here. What do you mean? I mean, I'm done.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to expect you to be my wife
Speaker 1: when I can't no longer be your husband, all right,
Speaker 1: and one statement at a time, I'm done. And if
Speaker 1: she tells you to get out, you don't have to
Speaker 1: be there, say well, that's not good for the children.
Speaker 1: If you want me to leave, i'll leave, but we
Speaker 1: need to figure this out for the children and me.
Speaker 1: Just leaving in the middle of the night because you're mad,
Speaker 1: that's not good for the kids. All right, Now, I'll
Speaker 1: sleep on the couch or I'll sleep in the basement
Speaker 1: or whatever. But we need to we need to have
Speaker 1: a plan. And that's what you say to her because
Speaker 1: that's what you want. Your vision is for you to
Speaker 1: be healthy, her to be healthy, You to be happy,
Speaker 1: her to be happy, and that you'll create a new relationship,
Speaker 1: which is that your cold parents. So tell me, tell
Speaker 1: me where you are now, tell me what you're hearing,
Speaker 1: tell me what you know, tell me what you're ready
Speaker 1: to do. Okay, So what I'm hearing is all I
Speaker 1: need to be truthful with her, hand to my own responsibilities,
Speaker 1: starf respecting the benefits of her husband, and putting actually
Speaker 1: playing together. Good for you, Good for you. And let
Speaker 1: me just say this, I'm talking to you again as grandma. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: you are not responsible for how she's going to react
Speaker 1: because she's gonna make you wrong and just gonna make
Speaker 1: you wrong. Yeah, that's not your responsibility. The wrong that
Speaker 1: you did you did a long time ago by not
Speaker 1: being mindful in creating children with the woman you didn't
Speaker 1: want to be with. All right, The wrong you did
Speaker 1: was getting married when you didn't want to get married.
Speaker 1: The wrong you did was allowing fear to rule your
Speaker 1: choices and decisions. Okay, that's out of the way, all right,
Speaker 1: But she is going to make you responsible. Be compassionate. Understand,
Speaker 1: this is a twenty three year old woman who's been
Speaker 1: with one man for six years and now she's got
Speaker 1: four kids and he's talking about leaving her. What you've
Speaker 1: got to be out your mind. I'll stay with you
Speaker 1: and be miserable. I'll stay with you and let the
Speaker 1: kids see us deteriorate. But you ain't leaving me, right,
Speaker 1: you are going. As a matter of fact, you're gone.
Speaker 1: But now you're gonna begin to engage in behaviors that
Speaker 1: starts to educate her that you're serious about this right,
Speaker 1: And the first thing you have to know is she's
Speaker 1: going to blame you. You are not responsible for that.
Speaker 1: You're responsible for the mistakes that you made. We're going
Speaker 1: to forgive you and move on. But she's gonna make
Speaker 1: you wrong. But your behavior, this is how you straighten
Speaker 1: your spine. You're gonna have to deal with it. You
Speaker 1: don't have to react to it, but you have to
Speaker 1: deal with it. And all you can do is saye
Speaker 1: forgive me, not I'm sorry, because you are not sorry.
Speaker 1: You are a proud, strong black man. You are not sorry,
Speaker 1: and you are willing to take responsibility and you're not
Speaker 1: going to be beaten down and beat up. And as
Speaker 1: long as you can stay there and come to peace
Speaker 1: with her, I want you to be happy, and I
Speaker 1: want to be happy. I want us to compare in
Speaker 1: our kids. But I'm no longer willing to do this
Speaker 1: as mom. What's your greatest fear about moving in this direction?
Speaker 1: I would say maybe I was making the wrong decision
Speaker 1: by leaving. She might have been the right woman, because
Speaker 1: see a good person. But it drains me and it
Speaker 1: stills my joy and happiness. Trying to make it work.
Speaker 1: The work to make it work maybe too much for you.
Speaker 1: Right now, you're twelve three years old. You really haven't
Speaker 1: solidified your vision. I heard you say you want to
Speaker 1: create a legacy for your children. So you need to
Speaker 1: be able to run and move and do that, make
Speaker 1: some power moves and some choices. You're gonna fail a
Speaker 1: couple of times. You're gonna have to fall down and
Speaker 1: get up, because that's just the age that you're at
Speaker 1: and that's just what happens. That was another thing that
Speaker 1: kind of deterred in my mind like she may not
Speaker 1: be the one because I try to entrepreneur endeavor and
Speaker 1: I feeled at it and when I failed at it,
Speaker 1: not only did she not support it, he bashed me
Speaker 1: for it and was telling me all you could have
Speaker 1: did this and that I forgive her for everything, and
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm free at hard about it, but that
Speaker 1: once you said that, that that brong it back to
Speaker 1: my memory. Well, this is what Grandma wants you to know.
Speaker 1: And this is a tip for you and all young men.
Speaker 1: You want a woman with a vision, a vision for herself,
Speaker 1: and you want a woman who can support your vision. Right,
Speaker 1: nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people
Speaker 1: with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like
Speaker 1: fish out of water. What is her vision for herself?
Speaker 1: Because if she had a clear vision for herself, chances
Speaker 1: are she wouldn't have four kids at twenty three. Unless
Speaker 1: her vision is to be a stay at home mom,
Speaker 1: which is great. I don't have no issue with that,
Speaker 1: but it just seems to me like carelessness and recklessness
Speaker 1: and the glact is why we're in this position when
Speaker 1: we're not gonna beat that dead horse. The kids are here,
Speaker 1: we love them and we want to be the best
Speaker 1: for them. You've got to give yourself space to grow.
Speaker 1: Start thinking of her as your children's mother and become
Speaker 1: her friend. You know, I know you've got a two
Speaker 1: month old, but start talking. Hell, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do with your life? What do you want to be?
Speaker 1: Do you want to go to school, do you want
Speaker 1: to do hair? Do you want to make club? What
Speaker 1: do you want to do with your life? And how
Speaker 1: can I support you in that? Right? That's the kind
Speaker 1: of conversation you need to be having with her, and
Speaker 1: stay away from little petty arguments. You know you did this,
Speaker 1: why don't you do that? Just take a breath and
Speaker 1: walk away and get your exit plan together. You don't
Speaker 1: have to do it today or tomorrow. What do you
Speaker 1: have to do? Really? How many of your children are boys,
Speaker 1: so you have to be a demonstration for them to
Speaker 1: be the best man you can be, so you can
Speaker 1: be the best father that you can be. And your
Speaker 1: greatest ally, let me tell you something. Your greatest ally
Speaker 1: here is your mom. Was that because she's a woman
Speaker 1: with experience and you have to let her know. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm really thinking about leaving this marriage, and I
Speaker 1: want to do it the right way. I was going
Speaker 1: to do that, but being that they was bumping heads,
Speaker 1: I didn't want to kind of involve her in it
Speaker 1: because I was thinking maybe she might have a buy
Speaker 1: as a pain man that they both gotta stout to
Speaker 1: taste somebody. To never never, ever, ever, ever, ever put
Speaker 1: yourself between your mother and a woman. You have to
Speaker 1: let your mother know what your clear boundaries are, and
Speaker 1: you have to let your the woman in your life
Speaker 1: know what your clear boundaries are. But here's a little
Speaker 1: tip from Grandma. If your mother don't like her, you're
Speaker 1: dead in the water. And your mother doesn't have to
Speaker 1: like her. But there are some case in situations where
Speaker 1: mama really does know best. I'm telling you your mother
Speaker 1: is an ally. If you have a good relationship with
Speaker 1: your mom, you must just create clear boundaries. Mama, that's
Speaker 1: my children's mother. I need you to be kind and compassionate.
Speaker 1: You can't talk to me about my children's mother now.
Speaker 1: If you think the children are in danger or can
Speaker 1: be harmed, that I want you to know. But how
Speaker 1: she walks and talks, and how she colors her hair
Speaker 1: and choose her. Gum, I don't want to hear that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear that. You are their grandmother
Speaker 1: and I need you to be their grandmother, not a
Speaker 1: critic of their mother. Tell me what you know now
Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you're called I need to
Speaker 1: be more responsible. I need to stop making decisions out
Speaker 1: of spear. Yes, that's what I want you to get.
Speaker 1: When I'm afraid, I make poor decisions. So if I
Speaker 1: feel afraid, let me stop and get myself together so
Speaker 1: I can make a decision based on what's good for
Speaker 1: me and what's good for everybody involved, so that it's
Speaker 1: a win win. Right. Do you know that you're not weak?
Speaker 1: You're not weak. You've made some poor decisions, but you're
Speaker 1: not weak, not at all. If you were weak, you
Speaker 1: wouldn't be on this phone. You're looking for some guidance
Speaker 1: and some support that I can offer you. Issue is
Speaker 1: not what is she going to do? The issue is
Speaker 1: how are you going to be? And you're going to
Speaker 1: be kind, you're going to be compassionate, you're going to
Speaker 1: be clear, you're going to be honest, you're going to
Speaker 1: be firm, and you're going to be a good father.
Speaker 1: As now. I'm gonna wish you the best, and I
Speaker 1: want to know how you how this turns out. Move slow,
Speaker 1: but stop stop saying should I leave? You've already left.
Speaker 1: Now make the plan and do it. Okay, You're self full.
Speaker 1: Self full means that you make put yourself first in
Speaker 1: your life so that you can be the best for
Speaker 1: everybody else. Thou full, it's not selfish. Don't you dare
Speaker 1: don't you dare go? Get no other woman? Okay, my love,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Thank you, Okay, bye bye. The
Speaker 1: waw Hohohi and the untrained penis it's a it's a
Speaker 1: dangerous mix because our mind is telling us one thing,
Speaker 1: our heart is telling us one thing, and miss the
Speaker 1: Man and Miss Hohoha are having a whole, whole another conversation.
Speaker 1: And as long as we put those sensory stimulations into
Speaker 1: the process, we can't think clearly, and our feelings become
Speaker 1: very confused, and it just makes the inevitable more difficult
Speaker 1: and more challenging. After the break, we'll come back with
Speaker 1: my second caller, who has a similar issue, but for
Speaker 1: a very different reason. Welcome back, I Amy, y' len.
Speaker 1: This is the our spot, you know, that it's time
Speaker 1: to go. You know that you don't want to stay.
Speaker 1: You may not want to leave, but you don't know
Speaker 1: how to stay, or you know how you want to leave,
Speaker 1: but you think you're supposed all of that. Don't invite
Speaker 1: the untrained penis and the wild who had into that conversation. Breathe,
Speaker 1: get clear and vote for you. Just listen. Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot, and thank you for your patience.
Speaker 1: Now what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma, problem question
Speaker 1: that we are going to work through today. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: just think I'm out of a relationship and it's of
Speaker 1: my son's father on an offing end for about eight years.
Speaker 1: I'm just really at a place where the breakup was
Speaker 1: it was mutual, but a lot of my bad behavior
Speaker 1: has like let up to the dissolution of their relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm just really trying to get into a decent head
Speaker 1: space so that I can continue to cope here from
Speaker 1: a healthy space. I'm so caught up in like shame
Speaker 1: and guilt, or I'm on the other end of the
Speaker 1: spectrum where when I have peace about the end of
Speaker 1: the relationship, I'm feeling guilty because i feel that peace.
Speaker 1: You feel guilty because you're at peace that the relationship
Speaker 1: is over. M So you'all have already separated. Is this
Speaker 1: a marriage, is it a living or what kind of
Speaker 1: relationship are we talking about? Um? We were living together. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he moved out about a week ago. Okay, oh just
Speaker 1: a week? Oh you still on it? You right at
Speaker 1: the beginning of this thing? Yeah? So do you want out? Um?
Speaker 1: I think I do. I've been praying about it for
Speaker 1: a while. We were planning to kind of get our
Speaker 1: own spaces because it's been so rocky, and we were thinking, like,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe moving out will allow us to clear
Speaker 1: our heads and get some space and try again. I
Speaker 1: felt like I've kind of got an answer my prayers.
Speaker 1: And so there's always a point where I feel like
Speaker 1: I want out, and then we break up and then
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, maybe I really don't, and so we
Speaker 1: start this whole life begging process with him again, and
Speaker 1: I just know I really don't want to go back
Speaker 1: into that headspace. So here's what I want you to do.
Speaker 1: I want you to just close your eyelets for a
Speaker 1: moment and allow your mind to waffle or wave or
Speaker 1: float through your body and let me ask you this question.
Speaker 1: Is there any part of you that still wants him?
Speaker 1: It could be a toe, it could be an armpit, hair,
Speaker 1: it could be you know, a pimple on your but
Speaker 1: it could be anything. Find it. Is there a place
Speaker 1: in your body where you still want him? Yes, ma'am? Okay?
Speaker 1: So where is she at? Where she located in my heart?
Speaker 1: My head? Both, probably your heart? Okay? And she wants him? Why?
Speaker 1: Why does she want on him? We would get me
Speaker 1: in and he was trying to make a word, and
Speaker 1: we've invested a lot of time. We have a son.
Speaker 1: Now does she want him for who he is? Or
Speaker 1: does she want him for what he does for her?
Speaker 1: I'm playing more about what he does for me and
Speaker 1: how he makes me feel. Okay, Well, then we need
Speaker 1: to shut her down because as long as she's active
Speaker 1: and alive, you'll be in that back and forth thing.
Speaker 1: I don't want you, you know, because she may want
Speaker 1: him for how he makes her feel, but she doesn't
Speaker 1: want the responsibilities or the restrictions or the limitations of
Speaker 1: the relationship. Does that make sense to you? I think so? Okay,
Speaker 1: Because she if she wants him for how she makes
Speaker 1: him feel, how he makes her feel, which is why
Speaker 1: how does she How does he make her feel? He
Speaker 1: makes her feel what wanted, appreciate it, value that time.
Speaker 1: So he's giving her things that she needs to give
Speaker 1: to herself. Does she want herself just as she is
Speaker 1: as a woman? Does she want herself? Does she love herself?
Speaker 1: Does she appreciate herself? Does she value herself? She's making
Speaker 1: him responsible for things that she has to give to
Speaker 1: herself and bring that into the relationship. She's got to
Speaker 1: get that together because that's not his responsibility. His responsibility
Speaker 1: is to better her, not to complete her. So if
Speaker 1: she's looking to him to feel some sense of completion
Speaker 1: or value or worth, you know, M, let's aim her.
Speaker 1: What's her name? I don't know. I just know he's
Speaker 1: really young. Okay, let's name her M Patsy. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: we gotta we gotta get Patsy in check so that you,
Speaker 1: the grown woman, can make a clear, conscious choice about
Speaker 1: whether or not this is the man that you want
Speaker 1: to spend your life with, that you want to raise
Speaker 1: your child with. Is he the man? But that's a
Speaker 1: grown woman decision. Tell me what you're thinking, because I
Speaker 1: hear you thinking. Um, I'm thinking I can do that.
Speaker 1: I just I just get caught up in like the
Speaker 1: guilt of everything that I've kind of that I've done
Speaker 1: this let up until this point, and so what did
Speaker 1: you do? Oh do? Tell? What did you do? Um? Well,
Speaker 1: I've been like physically harmful at times, kind of respond
Speaker 1: to something that's happened. Still not acceptable obviously, and so
Speaker 1: I always kind of get caught up. He does something
Speaker 1: to upset me, I do something totally inappropriate, and then
Speaker 1: like we focus more on my bad behavior, and I'm
Speaker 1: like making them pleading for us to get back to
Speaker 1: a good space. We've taken five stiff backwards. I just yeah,
Speaker 1: he's cheated on you. Yeah before, yes, mail, Okay, if
Speaker 1: Patsy understood that she has to want herself before somebody
Speaker 1: else can want her. If Patsy understood that and that
Speaker 1: wasn't present in your consciousness, then you wouldn't attract a
Speaker 1: man who would cheat. But since you want him to
Speaker 1: prove that he wants you, that she didn't just send
Speaker 1: you right down the rabbit hole of See, he doesn't
Speaker 1: want me, he doesn't want me. But I'm telling you
Speaker 1: there's a part of you that doesn't want you. We'll
Speaker 1: call it, Patsy. And if he really wanted you and
Speaker 1: he valued you, and if he appreciated you, he wouldn't
Speaker 1: do that. He wouldn't call your names, or stay out
Speaker 1: late or whatever went on. Now, Patsy's beating you up
Speaker 1: for the things that you did when he disappointed her
Speaker 1: or hurt her or whatever. So there's a lot of
Speaker 1: forgiveness that needs to go on here, and that's you
Speaker 1: forgiving yourself, You forgiving Patsy. It isn't even about him,
Speaker 1: because you can't stay in a relationship that's abusive. You
Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel guilty. You
Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel ashamed. You
Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel unwanted or disappointed.
Speaker 1: You can't stay in that. But you have to make
Speaker 1: the clear decision to leave or to clean this stuff up,
Speaker 1: and you have to clean it up. He can't clean
Speaker 1: it up. I don't know what his behavior is that
Speaker 1: he needs to clean up, because I'm talking to you.
Speaker 1: So what do you need to forgive yourself for all
Speaker 1: of the harmful things that I said? All the harmful
Speaker 1: things happened. Okay, that's too broad, that's too broad. You
Speaker 1: can't experience forgiveness like that. So take a breath, and
Speaker 1: when you think back to your worst day, because we
Speaker 1: all have bad days, do your worst day with you
Speaker 1: with your boot. I forgive myself for I'm forging myself
Speaker 1: for allowing um out of his name, for using things. Okay,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute. I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for calling him out of mind his name.
Speaker 1: Take a breath there. What about foul language. Let's let's
Speaker 1: do that one. I forgive myself for you say that
Speaker 1: whole stamp. I forgive myself for the fouling which I use. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how about this one? I forgive myself for disrespecting him
Speaker 1: as a man. Let me hear that one. I forgive
Speaker 1: myself for disrespecting him as a man. And I forgive
Speaker 1: myself for disrespecting myself as a woman. Forgive myself for
Speaker 1: distance respecting myself as a woman. What else I forgive
Speaker 1: myself for? I forgive myself for not controlling my anger.
Speaker 1: How about I forgive myself for believing he was the
Speaker 1: source of my anger. Let me hear that one. I
Speaker 1: forget myself for believing that he was the source of
Speaker 1: my anger. Yeah, what else. Forgive myself for not feeling
Speaker 1: like I'm good enough, not feeling like I'm worthy. Let's
Speaker 1: relanguage that so that we can get to the root.
Speaker 1: I forgive myself or making him responsible for making to
Speaker 1: make me feel worthy. Forget myself for making him responsible
Speaker 1: to make me feel worthy. Yeah, take a breath, Take
Speaker 1: a breath, Come on, breathe, but just sitting on just
Speaker 1: a pool of regretting and hurt, and some of it
Speaker 1: doesn't have anything to do with him. Here's one. I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing that I can't be loved the
Speaker 1: way I want to be. I forget myself for believing
Speaker 1: that I can't be loved the way I want to be. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's just dig around there for a moment. Why can't
Speaker 1: you be loved the way you want to be? Um? Like,
Speaker 1: I ruined relationships as everybody that me. I push them away,
Speaker 1: and I push them away because they're gonna leave me anyway. Yeah, say,
Speaker 1: I push them away because I believe they're gonna leave
Speaker 1: me anyway. Let me hear the whole step. Oh wait,
Speaker 1: because I believe they're gonna leave me in any way. Yeah,
Speaker 1: take a breath, and they're gonna leave me because they're
Speaker 1: gonna leave me because something's wrong with me. So let's
Speaker 1: let's work in there for a little bit. Okay, I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing there's something wrong with me. I
Speaker 1: forget my for believing something wrong with me. I forgive
Speaker 1: myself for believing that I don't deserve love, myself for
Speaker 1: believing that I don't deservele them. Yeah, okay, So who
Speaker 1: left you, Mommy or daddy or both? Who left both? Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so that's Patsy's heartbreak. Let me just say this, your mom, Now,
Speaker 1: you've got to be as healthy as you can be
Speaker 1: for that little one. Consciously or unconsciously. You've created for
Speaker 1: your little one, your experience. You know, now Dad is
Speaker 1: gone and mom is someplace else mentally and emotionally. So
Speaker 1: that's what you've got to pull together and be able
Speaker 1: to compare. If you and him never get back together,
Speaker 1: you've got to be able to compare. And all of
Speaker 1: that behavior, the guilty behavior, the abusive behavior, shameful behavior,
Speaker 1: that was Patsy just acting out her heartbreak about being
Speaker 1: abandoned or rejected or however that happened for her. She
Speaker 1: just brought it into your relationship, so she needs a
Speaker 1: little help. How old is she? How old is Patsy?
Speaker 1: I really like twelve? I would think, Yeah, they're they're
Speaker 1: rough them twelve and thirteen year olds. Maybe talk to
Speaker 1: your therapists about doing some work with Patsy and getting
Speaker 1: her to a voice her hurt and heartbreak and disappointment,
Speaker 1: but also bum growing her up so that she catches
Speaker 1: up with where you are. But she's running a muck
Speaker 1: right now. I could tell you a million things that
Speaker 1: you could do, but I think the best thing for
Speaker 1: you to do right now is to know that where
Speaker 1: you are is exactly where you need to be, and
Speaker 1: when you feel better and when you are better, maybe
Speaker 1: y'all get back together. Maybe not, but he's still your
Speaker 1: child's father, so visiting and questions about decisions and those
Speaker 1: kinds of things. You just need to stay focused right there.
Speaker 1: Take a sabbatical. Don't even think about trying to get
Speaker 1: back with him. Right now, you and Patsy have some
Speaker 1: work to Patsy is a Messingham. If I were going
Speaker 1: to give you a book to read, I would tell
Speaker 1: you to get forgiveness. Okay, I have it forty days? Yeah,
Speaker 1: have you done the work. I started it a couple
Speaker 1: of years ago and I never finished on me, So
Speaker 1: that would be a no. That would be a no.
Speaker 1: But you know what, it's so amazing. So very often
Speaker 1: we have the very thing that we need right in
Speaker 1: the palm of our hand and we don't put it
Speaker 1: to good use. That a lot, So don't beat yourself
Speaker 1: up about it. The good news is maybe you're ready now.
Speaker 1: Put you first right now, you and mothering and don't
Speaker 1: withhold a baby and don't fight with him and that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. No, Patsy, no, no, sit down, we'll
Speaker 1: sit down over there. What do you know now that
Speaker 1: you didn't know when you call me? But my heartwired
Speaker 1: belief push people there do the very thing I don't
Speaker 1: want them to do. Yeah, but I'm glad that you
Speaker 1: owned it. My hardwired belief pushes people because you hold
Speaker 1: the belief and you want to be right about what
Speaker 1: you believe, so you will engage in behavior and she
Speaker 1: naigations to prove yourself right. We all do it. Baby.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with you. You're human and that means
Speaker 1: that you're craziest hell, just like the rest of us.
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you in about three months.
Speaker 1: I want to know how you're doing, how your sabbatical
Speaker 1: is going okay, And no matter what, no matter what,
Speaker 1: when he comes over and Patsy and you were feeling
Speaker 1: hot and bothered, don't give him none. Yes, thank you
Speaker 1: for calling. Thank you, beloved, have a good dade. Bye.
Speaker 1: The wild who she will get you into trouble every time.
Speaker 1: The wild who ha. You gotta give her name, and
Speaker 1: you gotta train her, making the shift, changing the nature,
Speaker 1: creating a new normal. All of that goes into the
Speaker 1: process of a relationship breakdown. And then when you put
Speaker 1: the untrained penis in the wild, who are in the
Speaker 1: midst real bets. So here's what I want to say.
Speaker 1: If you're in break down in your relationship, if you're
Speaker 1: breaking up a relationship, if you don't know how to
Speaker 1: stay and you don't know how to leave, and it's
Speaker 1: just all over the place, come above the waist and
Speaker 1: make choices and decisions that honor you and honor the
Speaker 1: other person. You may not know how to stay, you
Speaker 1: may not know how to lead, and in either case
Speaker 1: you must learn how to take care of yourself in
Speaker 1: a way that honors you and honors the other person.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace. Nine Piece The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.