1 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: I am, I Amla. I had a baby daddy relationship, 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:15,600 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:25,800 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: Sometimes the question in a relationship is not how do 7 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:51,280 Speaker 1: I leave? The question is how do I stay? How 8 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 1: do I stay where I'm unhappy? How do I stay 9 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: where I'm not being fulfilled? How do I stay where 10 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:05,680 Speaker 1: I know I don't want to be? How do I stay? Well? 11 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: Sometimes you can't stay. Sometimes you have left even before 12 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: you turn your key over, And that's probably more difficult 13 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 1: to be in than if you just gather up whatever nerve, courage, 14 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: strength you need to say this just isn't working for me. 15 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 1: Sometime the work to make it work is harder than 16 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: the work you'll have to do to just step out 17 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:47,040 Speaker 1: of it. How do you stay? How do you stay 18 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: if you can't tell the truth? How do you stay 19 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: if you can't find a compromise? How do you stay? Well? 20 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 1: You can't stay? But then the real question becomes, well, 21 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: how do I leave? How do I leave with my 22 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: self intact? How do I leave the other person intact? 23 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: How do I leave and handle my responsibilities? How do 24 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 1: I leave? And what I always tell people is you 25 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: really can't leave or won't leave until you can stay, 26 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,920 Speaker 1: until you can be in the same place with the 27 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 1: person being honest and forthright, without being cruel and abusive 28 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: or abrasive. You can't leave because if you leave in 29 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,679 Speaker 1: the middle of a fight, that fight will follow you. 30 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 1: So how do you stay with the clear vision that 31 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:50,840 Speaker 1: you're done? How do you stay with compassion for yourself 32 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,359 Speaker 1: first and for what the other person is going through? 33 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 1: How do you stay? You stay with your heart and 34 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 1: your mind to open that your best interests and the 35 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 1: person's best interests will be best served when you go. 36 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 1: You stay and you create an exit plan. Stay and 37 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: you pray, You pray that you get your lessons and 38 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: that you understand what you've done. Can't leave until you 39 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: can stay. That's what I want my first caller to 40 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: hear today, because the truth is they're already gone. Now 41 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: the question becomes how do you get out? Greetings beloved, 42 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. I'm so glad that 43 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: you could join me today and tell me what is 44 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: your relationship challenge, issue dilemma that we are going to 45 00:03:53,840 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 1: be working on. My own challenge today is with my wife. 46 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: We've been together six years. I don't know if I 47 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: should start from the beginning or tell you how I'm 48 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 1: feeling now. Well, tell me now, because I can't do 49 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,840 Speaker 1: nothing about the beginning. If I need to know, we'll 50 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 1: go back there okay, which she probably will, but I 51 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: don't feel it now. It's I feel like it's time 52 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,960 Speaker 1: for me to go. I love her, but I'm not 53 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: in love anymore. I lost attraction and the energy to 54 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,719 Speaker 1: keep making trying to make the relationship work like I 55 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: lost myself. Trying to satisfy her and make her happy. 56 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:44,800 Speaker 1: Attention that she requires it drains me. I've even broken 57 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 1: relationships with family and friends to try to satisfy her. 58 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 1: She's in one room, I have to be another. I 59 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 1: get more of a peace of mind enjoyed when I'm alone. 60 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,160 Speaker 1: I feel like I would have left by now. But 61 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 1: we do have four kids together, so I want to 62 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 1: make sure that I really hold on to a thought 63 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:15,599 Speaker 1: of and raising my kids in the same household. But 64 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 1: I don't want to be unhappy and regret and later 65 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: on in life. I want the best for her, and 66 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 1: I want her to be happy as well, But I'm 67 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: not I'm not feeling like that. Maybe me, I want 68 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 1: her to be mentally saber as well, so she could 69 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: raise my kids the right way. If that's the way 70 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: it's going to go, it's a big challenge for me 71 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, can I ask how old you are? 72 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:50,920 Speaker 1: Twenty three? You are twenty three? And did I hear 73 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:56,040 Speaker 1: you say you have four children? Yes? Now? Four children 74 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: at twenty three and you've only been married nine months? Yes? Now, 75 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,400 Speaker 1: oh my goodness? How old are your children? I owe 76 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: these three? I have twins, that's two, and I have 77 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: a two month old. So let me ask you this first. 78 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:18,599 Speaker 1: What is your question to me? God? Because I'm not 79 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 1: hearing the question here, I don't know. I don't know 80 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,280 Speaker 1: if I'm making Would I be making the right decision 81 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 1: to leave? So let me ask you something. Yes, are 82 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: you making the right decision for you to leave this marriage? 83 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: I don't know? Yes, you do. There's a distinction between 84 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 1: not knowing if you should leave and not knowing how 85 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,839 Speaker 1: to leave. Right I think you've already left. If you're 86 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: telling me you've got to be in another room to 87 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 1: be happy, because you don't leave a marriage when you 88 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: walk out the door. You leave the marriage first in 89 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:06,359 Speaker 1: your heart and then in your mind. Yeah, so where 90 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: is your mind? Now? Where's your mind? Because it's not there. 91 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: It's to the point to now that I may be 92 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: interested in other women. Now I don't want to see 93 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: her anything. I'd rather, you know, let her know and 94 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: what's going on and try to have that conversation with her. 95 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: There was a movie, if I'm not mistaken, Tyler Perry 96 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: did the movie called Why did I Get Married? Why 97 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: Did You get married? I really didn't want to. Yeah, 98 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: that's obvious. I was pressed in through it. I was 99 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: instead of being alone a couple months before, she was 100 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: actually trying to leave me at one point because situation 101 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: with her and my mother and and she felt like 102 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 1: I didn't support her and she was going to leave 103 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,520 Speaker 1: in hours and fearl being alone. I bet that mistake. 104 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: Were you in fear of being alone or were you 105 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: in fear of losing her? Because there's a distinction there, 106 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: Probably losing her at the time. Sometimes we love somebody, 107 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: we love them and we want them in our life. 108 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaker 1: We don't want to be joined at the hip, but 109 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 1: we want them in our life, and we're afraid that 110 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: if we don't do what they want the way they 111 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: want it, that will lose them totally, which couldn't have 112 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: been your case because you had two children at the time. 113 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: All right, So you want her in your life, but 114 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 1: you don't want to be joined to her in this 115 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: way anymore? Is that right? Yes, maw Yeah, So what 116 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: is your fear? What is your fear that she wouldn't 117 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,920 Speaker 1: be messing able to raise kids the right way? Maybe 118 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: she may be more focused on somebody trying to love 119 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: her and not raising the kids the right way and 120 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,319 Speaker 1: trying to get back at me instead of moving forward 121 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,640 Speaker 1: and trying to hear that's what I'm trying to do. 122 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 1: You probably have some experiences with her that tell you that, right, 123 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: that she's going to be focused on herself and not 124 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: on your children. Right. I gotta ask you two questions 125 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: that may seem totally unrelated. Okay, were you raised with 126 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:39,199 Speaker 1: your dad? Yeah? Do you want to be to your 127 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:43,320 Speaker 1: children who he wasn't to you? Now, I have a 128 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 1: grandson your age, a grandson on your age, and I've 129 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 1: got a grandson that's seven years older than you. So 130 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: I want to talk to you like a grandma. Okay, 131 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 1: I don't don't. I don't want to be your coach. 132 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 1: I don't want to be your therapist. I want to 133 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,680 Speaker 1: talk to you like a grandmother. That means I'm gonna 134 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: give you some cold water in your face. Okay, now 135 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,319 Speaker 1: that's what I need. Okay, let me let me ask 136 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,680 Speaker 1: you this before I start. What is your mother saying 137 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: about all of this? I finally had that conversation with 138 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: her because I had stopped talking to her for about 139 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 1: a year because of her and my wife. But he 140 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: feel like that they bombed heads because my mother would 141 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 1: point out things that my wife did and my wife 142 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: didn't like that. Or my wife would go to her 143 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 1: about things about our relationship and she would how to 144 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 1: make I take accountability. Basically, my wife didn't like that. 145 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 1: So that's why they started bumping heads. So this is 146 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,199 Speaker 1: Grandma talking to you. Now. This is not Missy on 147 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,839 Speaker 1: Love from fixing my life. This is Grandma. But you 148 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: need some cold water in your face? Okay, And I'm 149 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,200 Speaker 1: doing it out of an old rusty pot, not doing 150 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: it with a nice, a nice glass picture. Okay, First 151 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,960 Speaker 1: of all, my love, what in the blazing But Jesus 152 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 1: are you doing with four children at twenty three years old? 153 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: If you can't take care of your penis, how are 154 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 1: you going to take care of four kids and a 155 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 1: woman that's grandma? Okay? What in the world? What is 156 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: that about? Irresponse? Yes, good for you, good for you? 157 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:42,480 Speaker 1: And see, as an old lady, I really have challenge 158 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: and issue with young women having children with men who 159 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,440 Speaker 1: don't have their stuff together right, And you don't have 160 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 1: your stuff together? Where are you with your education? I 161 00:11:56,559 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 1: just went to a technical college and got him well 162 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 1: in diploma and I got my speedos? Okay? And what 163 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 1: kind of work do you do? Oh? Drive truck? So 164 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: you ain't home half the time? Well? I do be home. 165 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 1: I come home every day. Okay, you don't. You're not 166 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 1: a long distance driver. And what do you want to do? 167 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 1: What is your vision for yourself at twenty three? What's 168 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: your vision beyond your penis or kids? Good for you? Good, good, good? 169 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: But you can't do that if your heart in your 170 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 1: mind or not at peace? Right? So you let this 171 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 1: young woman and her who haa, you know what the 172 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:47,560 Speaker 1: whoha is right, drag you around by the nose and 173 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: didn't even have enough sense to protect yourself. So now 174 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:55,680 Speaker 1: you got four mouths to feed, and as a man, 175 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 1: you have to be at your best. You have to 176 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: be at your best in order to create that legacy 177 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: in a way that will benefit your children. And you've 178 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,080 Speaker 1: created these four lives with a woman who obviously doesn't 179 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: respect herself, because if she respected herself, you would not 180 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: be in fear of her denying you your children. So 181 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: we've got to kind of backtrack this now. And like 182 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,720 Speaker 1: I said, the issue here is not are you leaving. 183 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: You're gonna leave you out, You're done, And what you've 184 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 1: done in the process is that these four young lives 185 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: are going to be collateral damage of your irresponsibility, and 186 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 1: you just got to suck that up. Tell me what 187 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 1: you hear me saying, tell me what you're thinking, tell 188 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,319 Speaker 1: me what you're feeling, and then we can go from there. 189 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. You don't have to repeat my words. 190 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: I want to know what you are hearing and thinking 191 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 1: and feeling. It's over here. The relationship between me and 192 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:09,319 Speaker 1: her basically over. I'm just trying to hold onto it. 193 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: Why the kids. That's never a good excuse, because you 194 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: can't be any better to them than you are to yourself. 195 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 1: I have noticed that, Like sometimes I get real impatient 196 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 1: with them and I catch it. I've spanked them, and 197 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,920 Speaker 1: I could have just talked to him instead of spanking them. 198 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 1: Read in that moment. And I heard you say earlier 199 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 1: that you might be interested in other woman. That's first 200 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 1: of all, that ain't true. You are interested in other woman. 201 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: You're talking to grandma. Grandma got eyes in the back 202 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: of her head. Okay, But the last thing you need 203 00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,400 Speaker 1: is a woman, right right, that's the last thing you need. 204 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 1: What do you need a woman for what you're gonna 205 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: do with I don't. I don't. It's just you know, man, 206 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 1: got need so sometimes I might need to get my rock. 207 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,560 Speaker 1: So that's all I'm saying. I don't need a woman 208 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,720 Speaker 1: to just be in my life. But you need to 209 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: take a cold shower, take a cold shower, eat some grapes. 210 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: You're getting your rocks off. Got you four kids that 211 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: you now can't be with. Stop it. But that's because 212 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 1: that's because you're twenty three. You've put the cart before 213 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 1: the horse. You've created responsibilities for yourself that even in 214 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: your normal development as a man, you know, it's just 215 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 1: it's a lot. It's a lot. It's not too much 216 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 1: because it's been done. So what you need, my beloved. 217 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 1: I could be very wrong here, and I'm not advocating 218 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: the end of your marriage, but from what you've shared 219 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: with me, it sounds to me like you're already gone 220 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: and that's not fair to her, to you, or to 221 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 1: the children. So what you need is an exit plan, 222 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: which is going to be challenging because you've got a wife, 223 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: you've got four children. You already said you didn't want 224 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: to get married, so you've probably never really been there. 225 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: And I bet y'all had a big wedding complete with 226 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 1: chicken and people and bridesmaids and all of that. Didn't shit. 227 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,840 Speaker 1: Oh no, we didn't go through all that. Nah. It's 228 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 1: a good thing because the money y'all would have spent 229 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,440 Speaker 1: on the wedding you could have used to buy a house, right, 230 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,280 Speaker 1: which we did. We did buy a house instead. Oh 231 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 1: you do have a house. Okay, so you can leave 232 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,280 Speaker 1: her in a house. That's so good. Now where are 233 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 1: you going? Probably getting apartment? I could take the one 234 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 1: dead own apartment and found with me. Let's start with 235 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: the studio. It's cheaper, you'll need no bedroom because if 236 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: you have a bedroom, you might want to have company 237 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,280 Speaker 1: that I'm going to say this to you and then 238 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:07,119 Speaker 1: I want us to work through it. Okay, you cannot 239 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 1: leave until you can stay. What I mean by that 240 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: that as long as you're angry, as long as you're frustrated, 241 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:21,720 Speaker 1: as long as you are upset with her, you can't 242 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: leave because what's going to happen is guilt and manipulation 243 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 1: and fighting is going to bring you back. So you've 244 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 1: got to be able to be in that house with her, 245 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: be in that place with her, and grow the muscle 246 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 1: within yourself to say I love her, I don't want 247 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 1: to be with her. I wish the best for her, 248 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,479 Speaker 1: and I'm not the best for her. I want her 249 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,240 Speaker 1: to be a good mother to my children, and I 250 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 1: want to support her in that. You've got to get 251 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: to that place within yourself while you are in the 252 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: house with her, Otherwise you're gonna leave. She's gonna use 253 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 1: the kids as a tool. Y'all be fighting and it'll 254 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,920 Speaker 1: be a mass. So you've got lots of planning to do. 255 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: You need a place to live. You need to look 256 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,440 Speaker 1: at your money and see what are you going to 257 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,680 Speaker 1: be able to provide for her so that when you leave, 258 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: you understand this is what I'm giving, this is what 259 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: I have, this is what I need. How you want 260 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 1: to see your children? When you want to see your children, 261 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,639 Speaker 1: So that when you talk to her you don't get 262 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,200 Speaker 1: beat up and talked out of your plan. You've got 263 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,640 Speaker 1: to have a plan because what you're doing right now 264 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: is brutal. You can't do that to her, to you, 265 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 1: to the children. Right. I do want what's best for her. 266 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,679 Speaker 1: I want her to be happy still, but this with 267 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: me or not? But I don't have a plan yet. 268 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,119 Speaker 1: I'm right. I actually wrote everything said down. So are 269 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 1: come my plan to get them? How far are you 270 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,720 Speaker 1: going to live away from the children? Will you be 271 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 1: able to get them to school? How often do you 272 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,439 Speaker 1: want to see them? How much money are you going 273 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: to have to give her? When are you going to 274 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 1: give it to her? You're going to leave her in 275 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,040 Speaker 1: the house for now. But you know, even if you 276 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 1: went to court to get a separation agreement, which is 277 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,240 Speaker 1: what you're going to do, when you get ready, you 278 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,120 Speaker 1: don't just tell her that you're leaving. You take your 279 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 1: happy butt down to the courthouse and you file a 280 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:39,120 Speaker 1: separation agreement, so that you're legally separated, not that you're out, 281 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 1: you know, benagling around in the street. What you've just done, baby, 282 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: is because you probably didn't have a model and an example, 283 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 1: you've just taken on more than you can possibly manage 284 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: at your age and your level of development. We'll talk 285 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 1: about that right at this break. Welcome back to the 286 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,440 Speaker 1: art spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So let's 287 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,800 Speaker 1: walk this back and then we'll walk it for for 288 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 1: whatever reason, you allowed yourself to do something you didn't 289 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: want to do. You didn't want to get married, but 290 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: you were afraid of losing her and your children. Can 291 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,439 Speaker 1: you own that? Can you sit in that? Yeah? And 292 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,560 Speaker 1: how does that make you feel? To know that you 293 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: did something you didn't want to do because you were afraid? 294 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:49,840 Speaker 1: Kind of we as a man? Oh no, wrong? How 295 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:58,000 Speaker 1: about sad? Do you feel sad about that? Yes? Well? Yeah, 296 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:03,919 Speaker 1: maybe a little angry at yourself? Right? Yes? Now? Okay, 297 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: so you feel sad and angry about what you did, 298 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,480 Speaker 1: but you understand in that moment you were afraid, not weak, 299 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 1: but afraid. There's a distinction. What you're doing now is weak, 300 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,960 Speaker 1: not being able to say look, I'm out. This is 301 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 1: not good for me. It's not good for me. It's 302 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 1: not good. I don't want my children to grow up 303 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,399 Speaker 1: with an angry father. I don't want my children to 304 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,640 Speaker 1: grow up with an unhappy father. I don't want them 305 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 1: to see that. I don't want them to see the 306 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 1: tension between their father and their mother. That's not what 307 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,679 Speaker 1: I want for my children. Would that be accurate? Yes? Now. 308 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,080 Speaker 1: I try to communicate that too one time before, but 309 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: it didn't work out too good trying to communicate that 310 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,440 Speaker 1: tool and I will trying to communicate that. I wasn't 311 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 1: happy as well, but I'm trying to work it out. 312 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:03,160 Speaker 1: How old is she? Twenty three as well? So let 313 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,920 Speaker 1: me just tell you a little bit about her as 314 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:12,640 Speaker 1: a woman. She is scared to death that at twenty 315 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 1: three with four children, if you're gone, nobody's gonna want her. 316 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,920 Speaker 1: She just scared to death. I was thinking that as well, 317 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,920 Speaker 1: and I was scared for like, I still want her 318 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 1: to be loved. Still, won't her to be able to 319 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: find someone easiness? It ain't me. Well, she's got to 320 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:39,480 Speaker 1: love herself first. Once she learns to love herself, Once 321 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: you learn to love yourself, both of you will be 322 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: able to be in a healthy relationship, because even if 323 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:52,440 Speaker 1: you didn't protect yourself from creating life that you couldn't 324 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,400 Speaker 1: provide for, she does a woman didn't protect herself. No way. 325 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,439 Speaker 1: Are you to have three kids? Four kids? That twenty 326 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: three when she had them twins, she was supposed to 327 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 1: shut that thing down. You'all was just out there hopscotching 328 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: on each other and not paying attention. Happens all the time, 329 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,000 Speaker 1: and it's not fatal. You'll be okay. I want the 330 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,960 Speaker 1: children to be okay. I want them to have a strong, 331 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:23,399 Speaker 1: healthy father and a strong healthy mother. Okay, So you 332 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,200 Speaker 1: did something you didn't want to do because you're afraid. 333 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: Are you clear that you're repeating the same pattern. You're 334 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:35,200 Speaker 1: doing something staying in the marriage that you don't want 335 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: to be in because you're afraid of what will happen 336 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:42,640 Speaker 1: if you leave. You're doing the same thing. Yes, now, 337 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,399 Speaker 1: right now? How's that going to turn out for you? 338 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:54,200 Speaker 1: It'll be it'll be a repeated cycle. Yah, yeah, I 339 00:23:54,280 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 1: think Wow. Let's just get clear at first. Are you 340 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: done with this marriage? Yes? Man? Are you willing to 341 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:11,400 Speaker 1: be a responsible co parent with your children's mother? Yes? Man? 342 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,159 Speaker 1: In order to do that, you're gonna have to be 343 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,960 Speaker 1: her friend. Can you be her friend? I didn't ask 344 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: you if she could be your friend? Can you be 345 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:26,719 Speaker 1: her friend? Yes? How can you be a good friend 346 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 1: to her? I could be a good friend her as 347 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:36,280 Speaker 1: far as importing her, I know, financially, which that's not 348 00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: a friend, but just in support of her. I would 349 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,320 Speaker 1: say support of her emotionally, but she probably would block 350 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:47,040 Speaker 1: me out knowing her, he probably would block me out emotionally. 351 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 1: So I really don't know how I could be a 352 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,960 Speaker 1: friend too. I would want to be, but I don't 353 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,639 Speaker 1: know how I would be. Well. You being her friend 354 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:01,439 Speaker 1: is not contingent upon it how she reacts to you. 355 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: So the first thing a good friend does it's always 356 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 1: tell the truth. Always tell the truth. So if you're 357 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 1: done with this marriage, but the marriage not with co parenting, 358 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 1: because I heard you say you're willing to be a 359 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,959 Speaker 1: good co parent, right, hear me what I'm saying to you, 360 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: Then you have to stop expecting the benefits of a husband. 361 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:34,439 Speaker 1: You have to stop sleeping with her. You have to 362 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,119 Speaker 1: stop expecting how to do your launtry. You have to 363 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: stop expecting how to beat you and do your clothes. 364 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: You have to stop that because sleeping with her, having 365 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:49,200 Speaker 1: sex with her, doing those kinds of things, you're sending 366 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 1: a mixed message. Either you're done or you're not done. 367 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:57,760 Speaker 1: I try to cut it off. That's what aspect of 368 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,440 Speaker 1: our relationship with see you against es sexually first graded in. Well, 369 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: that's her problem. She has to figure out how to 370 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,280 Speaker 1: handle that. You gotta put a little more base in 371 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: your voice and tighten up your bottom pieces because for 372 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 1: whatever reason, you're letting her drag you around to what 373 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,440 Speaker 1: she wants and you're not getting what you want, and 374 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,639 Speaker 1: what you're doing is not good. No sex. Stop being 375 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:28,800 Speaker 1: a husband, Start being a co parent. Work with the kids, 376 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: provide the provision, you know, the resources for them. I'm 377 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,720 Speaker 1: taking the kids out, you know, if you got to 378 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,640 Speaker 1: go over to your mom's, go to the park, do whatever. 379 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:45,680 Speaker 1: Start co parenting. How do I communicate this to her? 380 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:51,600 Speaker 1: With your behavior, I'm duting. You have to tell her 381 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,199 Speaker 1: a good friend. My best friend tells me the truth 382 00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 1: all the time. Sometimes I don't want to hear it right, 383 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,280 Speaker 1: and she don't argue with me. She don't explain stuff, 384 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,359 Speaker 1: you know, unless I ask her, But she tells me 385 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,119 Speaker 1: the truth. That's how you be a good friend. Number two. 386 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:14,680 Speaker 1: A good friend handles their responsibilities. They don't make you 387 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,800 Speaker 1: responsible for what they need to do for themselves. Now, 388 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,679 Speaker 1: they may ask for your support, they may ask for 389 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: your input, But a good friend that handles their part 390 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 1: of the relationship. So if you're there and you're paying 391 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,679 Speaker 1: the bills and you're giving her money or whatever you're doing, 392 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 1: you continue to do that, Okay. If you can't sleep 393 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: on the sofa or sleep in the kid's room, you 394 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,199 Speaker 1: get into beds, you say good night, you say your prayers, 395 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 1: and you turn over, and you let her know I'm 396 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: I'm not engaging in sex with you anymore because I'm 397 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 1: done here. What do you mean? I mean, I'm done. 398 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: I'm not going to expect you to be my wife 399 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:04,800 Speaker 1: when I can't no longer be your husband, all right, 400 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,840 Speaker 1: and one statement at a time, I'm done. And if 401 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,720 Speaker 1: she tells you to get out, you don't have to 402 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:15,840 Speaker 1: be there, say well, that's not good for the children. 403 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,239 Speaker 1: If you want me to leave, i'll leave, but we 404 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,119 Speaker 1: need to figure this out for the children and me. 405 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: Just leaving in the middle of the night because you're mad, 406 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,920 Speaker 1: that's not good for the kids. All right, Now, I'll 407 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 1: sleep on the couch or I'll sleep in the basement 408 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,399 Speaker 1: or whatever. But we need to we need to have 409 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: a plan. And that's what you say to her because 410 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:38,880 Speaker 1: that's what you want. Your vision is for you to 411 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,920 Speaker 1: be healthy, her to be healthy, You to be happy, 412 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,840 Speaker 1: her to be happy, and that you'll create a new relationship, 413 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: which is that your cold parents. So tell me, tell 414 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,640 Speaker 1: me where you are now, tell me what you're hearing, 415 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,360 Speaker 1: tell me what you know, tell me what you're ready 416 00:28:56,400 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: to do. Okay, So what I'm hearing is all I 417 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: need to be truthful with her, hand to my own responsibilities, 418 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 1: starf respecting the benefits of her husband, and putting actually 419 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:17,840 Speaker 1: playing together. Good for you, Good for you. And let 420 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,160 Speaker 1: me just say this, I'm talking to you again as grandma. Okay, okay, 421 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: you are not responsible for how she's going to react 422 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,680 Speaker 1: because she's gonna make you wrong and just gonna make 423 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: you wrong. Yeah, that's not your responsibility. The wrong that 424 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: you did you did a long time ago by not 425 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 1: being mindful in creating children with the woman you didn't 426 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:49,080 Speaker 1: want to be with. All right, The wrong you did 427 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,640 Speaker 1: was getting married when you didn't want to get married. 428 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:55,200 Speaker 1: The wrong you did was allowing fear to rule your 429 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:59,200 Speaker 1: choices and decisions. Okay, that's out of the way, all right, 430 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: But she is going to make you responsible. Be compassionate. Understand, 431 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,280 Speaker 1: this is a twenty three year old woman who's been 432 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: with one man for six years and now she's got 433 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:14,280 Speaker 1: four kids and he's talking about leaving her. What you've 434 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 1: got to be out your mind. I'll stay with you 435 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 1: and be miserable. I'll stay with you and let the 436 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,840 Speaker 1: kids see us deteriorate. But you ain't leaving me, right, 437 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 1: you are going. As a matter of fact, you're gone. 438 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 1: But now you're gonna begin to engage in behaviors that 439 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:35,960 Speaker 1: starts to educate her that you're serious about this right, 440 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: And the first thing you have to know is she's 441 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,720 Speaker 1: going to blame you. You are not responsible for that. 442 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,200 Speaker 1: You're responsible for the mistakes that you made. We're going 443 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: to forgive you and move on. But she's gonna make 444 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:53,480 Speaker 1: you wrong. But your behavior, this is how you straighten 445 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:56,600 Speaker 1: your spine. You're gonna have to deal with it. You 446 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 1: don't have to react to it, but you have to 447 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,520 Speaker 1: deal with it. And all you can do is saye 448 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:05,400 Speaker 1: forgive me, not I'm sorry, because you are not sorry. 449 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 1: You are a proud, strong black man. You are not sorry, 450 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 1: and you are willing to take responsibility and you're not 451 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:19,160 Speaker 1: going to be beaten down and beat up. And as 452 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,520 Speaker 1: long as you can stay there and come to peace 453 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 1: with her, I want you to be happy, and I 454 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,360 Speaker 1: want to be happy. I want us to compare in 455 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: our kids. But I'm no longer willing to do this 456 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:36,360 Speaker 1: as mom. What's your greatest fear about moving in this direction? 457 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 1: I would say maybe I was making the wrong decision 458 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,480 Speaker 1: by leaving. She might have been the right woman, because 459 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: see a good person. But it drains me and it 460 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: stills my joy and happiness. Trying to make it work. 461 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:58,000 Speaker 1: The work to make it work maybe too much for you. 462 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:03,920 Speaker 1: Right now, you're twelve three years old. You really haven't 463 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: solidified your vision. I heard you say you want to 464 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,120 Speaker 1: create a legacy for your children. So you need to 465 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,800 Speaker 1: be able to run and move and do that, make 466 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:17,480 Speaker 1: some power moves and some choices. You're gonna fail a 467 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 1: couple of times. You're gonna have to fall down and 468 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:23,080 Speaker 1: get up, because that's just the age that you're at 469 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:26,680 Speaker 1: and that's just what happens. That was another thing that 470 00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: kind of deterred in my mind like she may not 471 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:34,240 Speaker 1: be the one because I try to entrepreneur endeavor and 472 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 1: I feeled at it and when I failed at it, 473 00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:42,160 Speaker 1: not only did she not support it, he bashed me 474 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: for it and was telling me all you could have 475 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,840 Speaker 1: did this and that I forgive her for everything, and 476 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm free at hard about it, but that 477 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,240 Speaker 1: once you said that, that that brong it back to 478 00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:58,920 Speaker 1: my memory. Well, this is what Grandma wants you to know. 479 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,480 Speaker 1: And this is a tip for you and all young men. 480 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,720 Speaker 1: You want a woman with a vision, a vision for herself, 481 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:12,360 Speaker 1: and you want a woman who can support your vision. Right, 482 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,800 Speaker 1: nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people 483 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,000 Speaker 1: with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like 484 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: fish out of water. What is her vision for herself? 485 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:28,080 Speaker 1: Because if she had a clear vision for herself, chances 486 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: are she wouldn't have four kids at twenty three. Unless 487 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,080 Speaker 1: her vision is to be a stay at home mom, 488 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,440 Speaker 1: which is great. I don't have no issue with that, 489 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 1: but it just seems to me like carelessness and recklessness 490 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:46,040 Speaker 1: and the glact is why we're in this position when 491 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 1: we're not gonna beat that dead horse. The kids are here, 492 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 1: we love them and we want to be the best 493 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:55,560 Speaker 1: for them. You've got to give yourself space to grow. 494 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,800 Speaker 1: Start thinking of her as your children's mother and become 495 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,480 Speaker 1: her friend. You know, I know you've got a two 496 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: month old, but start talking. Hell, what do you want 497 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: to do with your life? What do you want to be? 498 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 1: Do you want to go to school, do you want 499 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,360 Speaker 1: to do hair? Do you want to make club? What 500 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: do you want to do with your life? And how 501 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: can I support you in that? Right? That's the kind 502 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 1: of conversation you need to be having with her, and 503 00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:23,000 Speaker 1: stay away from little petty arguments. You know you did this, 504 00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:26,279 Speaker 1: why don't you do that? Just take a breath and 505 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:30,960 Speaker 1: walk away and get your exit plan together. You don't 506 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,840 Speaker 1: have to do it today or tomorrow. What do you 507 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:40,160 Speaker 1: have to do? Really? How many of your children are boys, 508 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:44,840 Speaker 1: so you have to be a demonstration for them to 509 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,640 Speaker 1: be the best man you can be, so you can 510 00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:53,080 Speaker 1: be the best father that you can be. And your 511 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:57,600 Speaker 1: greatest ally, let me tell you something. Your greatest ally 512 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:03,080 Speaker 1: here is your mom. Was that because she's a woman 513 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:08,319 Speaker 1: with experience and you have to let her know. You know, 514 00:35:08,719 --> 00:35:13,160 Speaker 1: I'm I'm really thinking about leaving this marriage, and I 515 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 1: want to do it the right way. I was going 516 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 1: to do that, but being that they was bumping heads, 517 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,400 Speaker 1: I didn't want to kind of involve her in it 518 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:23,839 Speaker 1: because I was thinking maybe she might have a buy 519 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,640 Speaker 1: as a pain man that they both gotta stout to 520 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:34,919 Speaker 1: taste somebody. To never never, ever, ever, ever, ever put 521 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:38,440 Speaker 1: yourself between your mother and a woman. You have to 522 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,680 Speaker 1: let your mother know what your clear boundaries are, and 523 00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 1: you have to let your the woman in your life 524 00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,959 Speaker 1: know what your clear boundaries are. But here's a little 525 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:52,160 Speaker 1: tip from Grandma. If your mother don't like her, you're 526 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 1: dead in the water. And your mother doesn't have to 527 00:35:57,239 --> 00:36:01,399 Speaker 1: like her. But there are some case in situations where 528 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:07,120 Speaker 1: mama really does know best. I'm telling you your mother 529 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,120 Speaker 1: is an ally. If you have a good relationship with 530 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:16,839 Speaker 1: your mom, you must just create clear boundaries. Mama, that's 531 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:22,000 Speaker 1: my children's mother. I need you to be kind and compassionate. 532 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:25,359 Speaker 1: You can't talk to me about my children's mother now. 533 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:28,879 Speaker 1: If you think the children are in danger or can 534 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,960 Speaker 1: be harmed, that I want you to know. But how 535 00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: she walks and talks, and how she colors her hair 536 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:36,359 Speaker 1: and choose her. Gum, I don't want to hear that. 537 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:41,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to hear that. You are their grandmother 538 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,440 Speaker 1: and I need you to be their grandmother, not a 539 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:48,799 Speaker 1: critic of their mother. Tell me what you know now 540 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,759 Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you're called I need to 541 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:57,600 Speaker 1: be more responsible. I need to stop making decisions out 542 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:01,640 Speaker 1: of spear. Yes, that's what I want you to get. 543 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,960 Speaker 1: When I'm afraid, I make poor decisions. So if I 544 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:10,640 Speaker 1: feel afraid, let me stop and get myself together so 545 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,840 Speaker 1: I can make a decision based on what's good for 546 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:15,640 Speaker 1: me and what's good for everybody involved, so that it's 547 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:19,560 Speaker 1: a win win. Right. Do you know that you're not weak? 548 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:25,080 Speaker 1: You're not weak. You've made some poor decisions, but you're 549 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:27,600 Speaker 1: not weak, not at all. If you were weak, you 550 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:32,719 Speaker 1: wouldn't be on this phone. You're looking for some guidance 551 00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 1: and some support that I can offer you. Issue is 552 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:40,560 Speaker 1: not what is she going to do? The issue is 553 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,719 Speaker 1: how are you going to be? And you're going to 554 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,520 Speaker 1: be kind, you're going to be compassionate, you're going to 555 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,200 Speaker 1: be clear, you're going to be honest, you're going to 556 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,600 Speaker 1: be firm, and you're going to be a good father. 557 00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,759 Speaker 1: As now. I'm gonna wish you the best, and I 558 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,240 Speaker 1: want to know how you how this turns out. Move slow, 559 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,320 Speaker 1: but stop stop saying should I leave? You've already left. 560 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 1: Now make the plan and do it. Okay, You're self full. 561 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:19,480 Speaker 1: Self full means that you make put yourself first in 562 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: your life so that you can be the best for 563 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 1: everybody else. Thou full, it's not selfish. Don't you dare 564 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:37,799 Speaker 1: don't you dare go? Get no other woman? Okay, my love, 565 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:45,560 Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Thank you, Okay, bye bye. The 566 00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 1: waw Hohohi and the untrained penis it's a it's a 567 00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:53,239 Speaker 1: dangerous mix because our mind is telling us one thing, 568 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:56,520 Speaker 1: our heart is telling us one thing, and miss the 569 00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:01,279 Speaker 1: Man and Miss Hohoha are having a whole, whole another conversation. 570 00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:07,200 Speaker 1: And as long as we put those sensory stimulations into 571 00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:11,840 Speaker 1: the process, we can't think clearly, and our feelings become 572 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:17,239 Speaker 1: very confused, and it just makes the inevitable more difficult 573 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:21,319 Speaker 1: and more challenging. After the break, we'll come back with 574 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:25,319 Speaker 1: my second caller, who has a similar issue, but for 575 00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:37,040 Speaker 1: a very different reason. Welcome back, I Amy, y' len. 576 00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:41,439 Speaker 1: This is the our spot, you know, that it's time 577 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:45,680 Speaker 1: to go. You know that you don't want to stay. 578 00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:50,359 Speaker 1: You may not want to leave, but you don't know 579 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:52,919 Speaker 1: how to stay, or you know how you want to leave, 580 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:56,600 Speaker 1: but you think you're supposed all of that. Don't invite 581 00:39:56,800 --> 00:40:04,240 Speaker 1: the untrained penis and the wild who had into that conversation. Breathe, 582 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:14,200 Speaker 1: get clear and vote for you. Just listen. Greetings beloved, 583 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot, and thank you for your patience. 584 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:22,640 Speaker 1: Now what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma, problem question 585 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:26,719 Speaker 1: that we are going to work through today. Yeah, I'm 586 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:31,840 Speaker 1: just think I'm out of a relationship and it's of 587 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,640 Speaker 1: my son's father on an offing end for about eight years. 588 00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:38,840 Speaker 1: I'm just really at a place where the breakup was 589 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,160 Speaker 1: it was mutual, but a lot of my bad behavior 590 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:46,440 Speaker 1: has like let up to the dissolution of their relationship. 591 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:50,799 Speaker 1: I'm just really trying to get into a decent head 592 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,080 Speaker 1: space so that I can continue to cope here from 593 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:57,280 Speaker 1: a healthy space. I'm so caught up in like shame 594 00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,160 Speaker 1: and guilt, or I'm on the other end of the 595 00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:01,640 Speaker 1: spectrum where when I have peace about the end of 596 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:05,520 Speaker 1: the relationship, I'm feeling guilty because i feel that peace. 597 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,560 Speaker 1: You feel guilty because you're at peace that the relationship 598 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:17,520 Speaker 1: is over. M So you'all have already separated. Is this 599 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:21,040 Speaker 1: a marriage, is it a living or what kind of 600 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:24,919 Speaker 1: relationship are we talking about? Um? We were living together. Yeah, 601 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,200 Speaker 1: he moved out about a week ago. Okay, oh just 602 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,839 Speaker 1: a week? Oh you still on it? You right at 603 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:38,040 Speaker 1: the beginning of this thing? Yeah? So do you want out? Um? 604 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:42,560 Speaker 1: I think I do. I've been praying about it for 605 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,279 Speaker 1: a while. We were planning to kind of get our 606 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:48,480 Speaker 1: own spaces because it's been so rocky, and we were thinking, like, 607 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,719 Speaker 1: you know, maybe moving out will allow us to clear 608 00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:56,200 Speaker 1: our heads and get some space and try again. I 609 00:41:56,239 --> 00:42:00,000 Speaker 1: felt like I've kind of got an answer my prayers. 610 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:04,360 Speaker 1: And so there's always a point where I feel like 611 00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,080 Speaker 1: I want out, and then we break up and then 612 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,080 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, maybe I really don't, and so we 613 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,560 Speaker 1: start this whole life begging process with him again, and 614 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 1: I just know I really don't want to go back 615 00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:16,439 Speaker 1: into that headspace. So here's what I want you to do. 616 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,319 Speaker 1: I want you to just close your eyelets for a 617 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:23,800 Speaker 1: moment and allow your mind to waffle or wave or 618 00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:28,040 Speaker 1: float through your body and let me ask you this question. 619 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:33,319 Speaker 1: Is there any part of you that still wants him? 620 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,239 Speaker 1: It could be a toe, it could be an armpit, hair, 621 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,920 Speaker 1: it could be you know, a pimple on your but 622 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,800 Speaker 1: it could be anything. Find it. Is there a place 623 00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:49,120 Speaker 1: in your body where you still want him? Yes, ma'am? Okay? 624 00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:53,680 Speaker 1: So where is she at? Where she located in my heart? 625 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:59,080 Speaker 1: My head? Both, probably your heart? Okay? And she wants him? Why? 626 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:01,600 Speaker 1: Why does she want on him? We would get me 627 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:05,040 Speaker 1: in and he was trying to make a word, and 628 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:08,080 Speaker 1: we've invested a lot of time. We have a son. 629 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:13,400 Speaker 1: Now does she want him for who he is? Or 630 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,520 Speaker 1: does she want him for what he does for her? 631 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:20,719 Speaker 1: I'm playing more about what he does for me and 632 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:24,520 Speaker 1: how he makes me feel. Okay, Well, then we need 633 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:28,800 Speaker 1: to shut her down because as long as she's active 634 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,600 Speaker 1: and alive, you'll be in that back and forth thing. 635 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,840 Speaker 1: I don't want you, you know, because she may want 636 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:40,120 Speaker 1: him for how he makes her feel, but she doesn't 637 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:45,319 Speaker 1: want the responsibilities or the restrictions or the limitations of 638 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:52,440 Speaker 1: the relationship. Does that make sense to you? I think so? Okay, 639 00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:56,600 Speaker 1: Because she if she wants him for how she makes 640 00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,920 Speaker 1: him feel, how he makes her feel, which is why 641 00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,960 Speaker 1: how does she How does he make her feel? He 642 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:12,160 Speaker 1: makes her feel what wanted, appreciate it, value that time. 643 00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:17,600 Speaker 1: So he's giving her things that she needs to give 644 00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:23,239 Speaker 1: to herself. Does she want herself just as she is 645 00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:27,200 Speaker 1: as a woman? Does she want herself? Does she love herself? 646 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:31,920 Speaker 1: Does she appreciate herself? Does she value herself? She's making 647 00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:36,080 Speaker 1: him responsible for things that she has to give to 648 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:40,799 Speaker 1: herself and bring that into the relationship. She's got to 649 00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:47,240 Speaker 1: get that together because that's not his responsibility. His responsibility 650 00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:51,040 Speaker 1: is to better her, not to complete her. So if 651 00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:54,160 Speaker 1: she's looking to him to feel some sense of completion 652 00:44:54,400 --> 00:45:00,319 Speaker 1: or value or worth, you know, M, let's aim her. 653 00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:04,480 Speaker 1: What's her name? I don't know. I just know he's 654 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:15,440 Speaker 1: really young. Okay, let's name her M Patsy. Yeah, so 655 00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:20,040 Speaker 1: we gotta we gotta get Patsy in check so that you, 656 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:25,040 Speaker 1: the grown woman, can make a clear, conscious choice about 657 00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:27,759 Speaker 1: whether or not this is the man that you want 658 00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:31,000 Speaker 1: to spend your life with, that you want to raise 659 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:34,080 Speaker 1: your child with. Is he the man? But that's a 660 00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:39,680 Speaker 1: grown woman decision. Tell me what you're thinking, because I 661 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:45,799 Speaker 1: hear you thinking. Um, I'm thinking I can do that. 662 00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:48,960 Speaker 1: I just I just get caught up in like the 663 00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:52,680 Speaker 1: guilt of everything that I've kind of that I've done 664 00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:55,480 Speaker 1: this let up until this point, and so what did 665 00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:59,879 Speaker 1: you do? Oh do? Tell? What did you do? Um? Well, 666 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:04,000 Speaker 1: I've been like physically harmful at times, kind of respond 667 00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:08,200 Speaker 1: to something that's happened. Still not acceptable obviously, and so 668 00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:10,760 Speaker 1: I always kind of get caught up. He does something 669 00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:14,040 Speaker 1: to upset me, I do something totally inappropriate, and then 670 00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:17,000 Speaker 1: like we focus more on my bad behavior, and I'm 671 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:19,520 Speaker 1: like making them pleading for us to get back to 672 00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:24,520 Speaker 1: a good space. We've taken five stiff backwards. I just yeah, 673 00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:30,320 Speaker 1: he's cheated on you. Yeah before, yes, mail, Okay, if 674 00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:38,440 Speaker 1: Patsy understood that she has to want herself before somebody 675 00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:42,239 Speaker 1: else can want her. If Patsy understood that and that 676 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:46,600 Speaker 1: wasn't present in your consciousness, then you wouldn't attract a 677 00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:50,480 Speaker 1: man who would cheat. But since you want him to 678 00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:53,719 Speaker 1: prove that he wants you, that she didn't just send 679 00:46:53,800 --> 00:46:56,240 Speaker 1: you right down the rabbit hole of See, he doesn't 680 00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:58,360 Speaker 1: want me, he doesn't want me. But I'm telling you 681 00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,680 Speaker 1: there's a part of you that doesn't want you. We'll 682 00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 1: call it, Patsy. And if he really wanted you and 683 00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:08,880 Speaker 1: he valued you, and if he appreciated you, he wouldn't 684 00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:12,440 Speaker 1: do that. He wouldn't call your names, or stay out 685 00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:17,480 Speaker 1: late or whatever went on. Now, Patsy's beating you up 686 00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:20,839 Speaker 1: for the things that you did when he disappointed her 687 00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:24,200 Speaker 1: or hurt her or whatever. So there's a lot of 688 00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,840 Speaker 1: forgiveness that needs to go on here, and that's you 689 00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:31,960 Speaker 1: forgiving yourself, You forgiving Patsy. It isn't even about him, 690 00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:37,480 Speaker 1: because you can't stay in a relationship that's abusive. You 691 00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:41,279 Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel guilty. You 692 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:45,400 Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel ashamed. You 693 00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:50,400 Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship where you feel unwanted or disappointed. 694 00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:54,160 Speaker 1: You can't stay in that. But you have to make 695 00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:58,719 Speaker 1: the clear decision to leave or to clean this stuff up, 696 00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,080 Speaker 1: and you have to clean it up. He can't clean 697 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,560 Speaker 1: it up. I don't know what his behavior is that 698 00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:06,799 Speaker 1: he needs to clean up, because I'm talking to you. 699 00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:12,120 Speaker 1: So what do you need to forgive yourself for all 700 00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:14,520 Speaker 1: of the harmful things that I said? All the harmful 701 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:19,560 Speaker 1: things happened. Okay, that's too broad, that's too broad. You 702 00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:27,040 Speaker 1: can't experience forgiveness like that. So take a breath, and 703 00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:31,200 Speaker 1: when you think back to your worst day, because we 704 00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:34,520 Speaker 1: all have bad days, do your worst day with you 705 00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:43,400 Speaker 1: with your boot. I forgive myself for I'm forging myself 706 00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:49,400 Speaker 1: for allowing um out of his name, for using things. Okay, 707 00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:51,319 Speaker 1: wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute. I 708 00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,719 Speaker 1: forgive myself for calling him out of mind his name. 709 00:48:54,800 --> 00:49:01,640 Speaker 1: Take a breath there. What about foul language. Let's let's 710 00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:04,279 Speaker 1: do that one. I forgive myself for you say that 711 00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:12,160 Speaker 1: whole stamp. I forgive myself for the fouling which I use. Yeah, 712 00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:17,239 Speaker 1: how about this one? I forgive myself for disrespecting him 713 00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:20,960 Speaker 1: as a man. Let me hear that one. I forgive 714 00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:24,800 Speaker 1: myself for disrespecting him as a man. And I forgive 715 00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:29,680 Speaker 1: myself for disrespecting myself as a woman. Forgive myself for 716 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:34,280 Speaker 1: distance respecting myself as a woman. What else I forgive 717 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:39,640 Speaker 1: myself for? I forgive myself for not controlling my anger. 718 00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:43,839 Speaker 1: How about I forgive myself for believing he was the 719 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:48,520 Speaker 1: source of my anger. Let me hear that one. I 720 00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:50,840 Speaker 1: forget myself for believing that he was the source of 721 00:49:50,880 --> 00:50:01,720 Speaker 1: my anger. Yeah, what else. Forgive myself for not feeling 722 00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:05,600 Speaker 1: like I'm good enough, not feeling like I'm worthy. Let's 723 00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:08,160 Speaker 1: relanguage that so that we can get to the root. 724 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:13,840 Speaker 1: I forgive myself or making him responsible for making to 725 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:18,680 Speaker 1: make me feel worthy. Forget myself for making him responsible 726 00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:25,799 Speaker 1: to make me feel worthy. Yeah, take a breath, Take 727 00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:29,160 Speaker 1: a breath, Come on, breathe, but just sitting on just 728 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:38,040 Speaker 1: a pool of regretting and hurt, and some of it 729 00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:43,279 Speaker 1: doesn't have anything to do with him. Here's one. I 730 00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:48,440 Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing that I can't be loved the 731 00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:52,040 Speaker 1: way I want to be. I forget myself for believing 732 00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:58,239 Speaker 1: that I can't be loved the way I want to be. Yeah, 733 00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:02,440 Speaker 1: let's just dig around there for a moment. Why can't 734 00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:06,920 Speaker 1: you be loved the way you want to be? Um? Like, 735 00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:12,279 Speaker 1: I ruined relationships as everybody that me. I push them away, 736 00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:18,359 Speaker 1: and I push them away because they're gonna leave me anyway. Yeah, say, 737 00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:21,520 Speaker 1: I push them away because I believe they're gonna leave 738 00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:25,040 Speaker 1: me anyway. Let me hear the whole step. Oh wait, 739 00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:29,080 Speaker 1: because I believe they're gonna leave me in any way. Yeah, 740 00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:33,600 Speaker 1: take a breath, and they're gonna leave me because they're 741 00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:38,680 Speaker 1: gonna leave me because something's wrong with me. So let's 742 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,640 Speaker 1: let's work in there for a little bit. Okay, I 743 00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:45,880 Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing there's something wrong with me. I 744 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:50,840 Speaker 1: forget my for believing something wrong with me. I forgive 745 00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:57,080 Speaker 1: myself for believing that I don't deserve love, myself for 746 00:51:57,239 --> 00:52:02,080 Speaker 1: believing that I don't deservele them. Yeah, okay, So who 747 00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:10,680 Speaker 1: left you, Mommy or daddy or both? Who left both? Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, 748 00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:16,400 Speaker 1: so that's Patsy's heartbreak. Let me just say this, your mom, Now, 749 00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:21,239 Speaker 1: you've got to be as healthy as you can be 750 00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:28,120 Speaker 1: for that little one. Consciously or unconsciously. You've created for 751 00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:35,040 Speaker 1: your little one, your experience. You know, now Dad is 752 00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:39,239 Speaker 1: gone and mom is someplace else mentally and emotionally. So 753 00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:43,200 Speaker 1: that's what you've got to pull together and be able 754 00:52:43,239 --> 00:52:47,040 Speaker 1: to compare. If you and him never get back together, 755 00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:50,480 Speaker 1: you've got to be able to compare. And all of 756 00:52:50,520 --> 00:52:55,520 Speaker 1: that behavior, the guilty behavior, the abusive behavior, shameful behavior, 757 00:52:56,200 --> 00:53:01,279 Speaker 1: that was Patsy just acting out her heartbreak about being 758 00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:05,600 Speaker 1: abandoned or rejected or however that happened for her. She 759 00:53:05,760 --> 00:53:09,759 Speaker 1: just brought it into your relationship, so she needs a 760 00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:13,719 Speaker 1: little help. How old is she? How old is Patsy? 761 00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:17,959 Speaker 1: I really like twelve? I would think, Yeah, they're they're 762 00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:24,560 Speaker 1: rough them twelve and thirteen year olds. Maybe talk to 763 00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:29,640 Speaker 1: your therapists about doing some work with Patsy and getting 764 00:53:29,680 --> 00:53:34,600 Speaker 1: her to a voice her hurt and heartbreak and disappointment, 765 00:53:34,719 --> 00:53:39,200 Speaker 1: but also bum growing her up so that she catches 766 00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:42,839 Speaker 1: up with where you are. But she's running a muck 767 00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:48,120 Speaker 1: right now. I could tell you a million things that 768 00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:51,080 Speaker 1: you could do, but I think the best thing for 769 00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:55,240 Speaker 1: you to do right now is to know that where 770 00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:58,920 Speaker 1: you are is exactly where you need to be, and 771 00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:01,399 Speaker 1: when you feel better and when you are better, maybe 772 00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:04,560 Speaker 1: y'all get back together. Maybe not, but he's still your 773 00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:11,959 Speaker 1: child's father, so visiting and questions about decisions and those 774 00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:15,520 Speaker 1: kinds of things. You just need to stay focused right there. 775 00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:19,480 Speaker 1: Take a sabbatical. Don't even think about trying to get 776 00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:21,920 Speaker 1: back with him. Right now, you and Patsy have some 777 00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:29,920 Speaker 1: work to Patsy is a Messingham. If I were going 778 00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:31,759 Speaker 1: to give you a book to read, I would tell 779 00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:37,160 Speaker 1: you to get forgiveness. Okay, I have it forty days? Yeah, 780 00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:40,359 Speaker 1: have you done the work. I started it a couple 781 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:43,319 Speaker 1: of years ago and I never finished on me, So 782 00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:49,400 Speaker 1: that would be a no. That would be a no. 783 00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,680 Speaker 1: But you know what, it's so amazing. So very often 784 00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:56,200 Speaker 1: we have the very thing that we need right in 785 00:54:56,239 --> 00:54:58,279 Speaker 1: the palm of our hand and we don't put it 786 00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:03,760 Speaker 1: to good use. That a lot, So don't beat yourself 787 00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:07,120 Speaker 1: up about it. The good news is maybe you're ready now. 788 00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:12,880 Speaker 1: Put you first right now, you and mothering and don't 789 00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:16,080 Speaker 1: withhold a baby and don't fight with him and that 790 00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:19,520 Speaker 1: kind of stuff. No, Patsy, no, no, sit down, we'll 791 00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:23,040 Speaker 1: sit down over there. What do you know now that 792 00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:31,799 Speaker 1: you didn't know when you call me? But my heartwired 793 00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,600 Speaker 1: belief push people there do the very thing I don't 794 00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:39,480 Speaker 1: want them to do. Yeah, but I'm glad that you 795 00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:46,520 Speaker 1: owned it. My hardwired belief pushes people because you hold 796 00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:48,920 Speaker 1: the belief and you want to be right about what 797 00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:52,960 Speaker 1: you believe, so you will engage in behavior and she 798 00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:58,160 Speaker 1: naigations to prove yourself right. We all do it. Baby. 799 00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:02,879 Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with you. You're human and that means 800 00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:05,680 Speaker 1: that you're craziest hell, just like the rest of us. 801 00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:11,120 Speaker 1: I want to hear from you in about three months. 802 00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:14,160 Speaker 1: I want to know how you're doing, how your sabbatical 803 00:56:14,400 --> 00:56:19,640 Speaker 1: is going okay, And no matter what, no matter what, 804 00:56:20,400 --> 00:56:23,880 Speaker 1: when he comes over and Patsy and you were feeling 805 00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:34,400 Speaker 1: hot and bothered, don't give him none. Yes, thank you 806 00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:40,320 Speaker 1: for calling. Thank you, beloved, have a good dade. Bye. 807 00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:51,400 Speaker 1: The wild who she will get you into trouble every time. 808 00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:54,840 Speaker 1: The wild who ha. You gotta give her name, and 809 00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:59,680 Speaker 1: you gotta train her, making the shift, changing the nature, 810 00:57:00,360 --> 00:57:05,560 Speaker 1: creating a new normal. All of that goes into the 811 00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:10,759 Speaker 1: process of a relationship breakdown. And then when you put 812 00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:14,080 Speaker 1: the untrained penis in the wild, who are in the 813 00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:19,280 Speaker 1: midst real bets. So here's what I want to say. 814 00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:23,640 Speaker 1: If you're in break down in your relationship, if you're 815 00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:27,040 Speaker 1: breaking up a relationship, if you don't know how to 816 00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:29,240 Speaker 1: stay and you don't know how to leave, and it's 817 00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:33,560 Speaker 1: just all over the place, come above the waist and 818 00:57:33,640 --> 00:57:37,120 Speaker 1: make choices and decisions that honor you and honor the 819 00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:42,040 Speaker 1: other person. You may not know how to stay, you 820 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:45,160 Speaker 1: may not know how to lead, and in either case 821 00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:49,560 Speaker 1: you must learn how to take care of yourself in 822 00:57:49,640 --> 00:57:53,000 Speaker 1: a way that honors you and honors the other person. 823 00:57:55,680 --> 00:57:58,040 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if 824 00:57:58,080 --> 00:58:02,720 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 825 00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:06,280 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 826 00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:09,560 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to 827 00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:13,400 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 828 00:58:13,440 --> 00:58:21,360 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace. Nine Piece The R 829 00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:26,440 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 830 00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:31,840 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 831 00:58:32,040 --> 00:58:36,120 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.