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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Red flags

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Speaker 1: don't fade with time, right, they just get harder to ignore.

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Speaker 1: And so I would say, what I've learned is to

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Speaker 1: stop giving people multiple chances when they've already shown me

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Speaker 1: who they are.

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Speaker 2: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just

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Speaker 2: doesn't get you? Well?

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Speaker 1: We do. Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated

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Speaker 1: to uplifting and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 2: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends. As we create space for black

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Speaker 2: women to just be.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,

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Speaker 1: we are black founded and black owned, and your support

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Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 1: If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,

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Speaker 1: this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and

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Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal

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Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop where I'll share the

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Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.

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Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop

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Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to

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Speaker 1: take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting

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Speaker 1: her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map

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Speaker 1: like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance

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Speaker 1: to build a roadmap that fits your life and set

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Speaker 1: you up for success. I hope to see you there.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day you are healthier in relatedlationships

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Speaker 2: when you are taking care of yourself. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: read that quote one more time for the folks in

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Speaker 2: the back. You are healthier in relationships when you are

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Speaker 2: taking care of yourself. That quote comes to us from

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Speaker 2: Cultivating her Space Podcasts guest favorite Doctor Tamo and ladies.

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Speaker 2: If this is your first time listening to this podcast,

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Speaker 2: Doctor Tam O'Briant has been a guest on this show

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Speaker 2: three times now and this quote specifically comes to us

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Speaker 2: from her new book Matters of the Heart. So I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna say it one more time to make sure you

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Speaker 2: caught it. You are healthier in relationships when you are

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Speaker 2: taking care of yourself, all right, t you know how

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Speaker 2: this is how we do. What's coming up for you

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Speaker 2: when you hear this quote?

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Speaker 1: Girl, When I think about this quote, it kind of

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Speaker 1: makes me think about that saying that many of us

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Speaker 1: have heard. You have to fill your cup before you

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Speaker 1: can pour into someone else's cup. You have to put

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Speaker 1: on your mask first. And so yeah, when I hear

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Speaker 1: this quote, I'm looking at it right now. You are

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Speaker 1: healthier in relationships. Yeah, I think that it's so true.

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Speaker 1: Like you really when it comes to dating, especially like

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Speaker 1: when you are your healthiest, when you are your best self,

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Speaker 1: I believe that you attract people that are on the

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Speaker 1: same frequency as you. And so that's what it means

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Speaker 1: to me. That's what comes up for me when I

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Speaker 1: hear that quote. What about you, dom, what's coming up

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Speaker 1: for you?

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Speaker 2: I think it's similar to what you said, you know,

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Speaker 2: along those lines of when you are taking care of yourself,

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Speaker 2: when you are your best self, when you are doing

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Speaker 2: the things that nurture you, then you are able to

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Speaker 2: show up differently. Yeah, in your relationship, whether that's dating,

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Speaker 2: which we're talking about in this episode, or any relationship, right,

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Speaker 2: So whether it's work, family, friends, hobbies, like, whatever relationships

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Speaker 2: you have with other people, when you are in a

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Speaker 2: healthy space, those relationships will be in a healthier space.

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Speaker 1: Come into that. Okay, So just to kind of frame

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Speaker 1: up the episode, right, So, we've talked about dating quite

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Speaker 1: a bit on the podcast, and I think it was

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Speaker 1: maybe what the beginning of this season or so, or

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Speaker 1: maybe it was the end of last season. Recently we

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Speaker 1: talked about you know, being single, redefining what singleness is

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Speaker 1: like for the Black woman, and I talked about, you know,

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Speaker 1: my dating experiences, and I was reflecting recently and I

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Speaker 1: realized that it's so incredible how we change as people.

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Speaker 1: Because when I think about who I was a couple

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Speaker 1: of about two or so years ago, when I started

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Speaker 1: dating after my separation, I was a very different one

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Speaker 1: compared to who I am today acting with the men

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Speaker 1: that I'm dating, and so yeah, I just kind of

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Speaker 1: want to jump in and share some of the ways

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Speaker 1: in which I feel. So I'm dating as a boss

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Speaker 1: now with the perspective shift that has allowed me to

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Speaker 1: be just in the healthiest space possible. Because when I

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Speaker 1: first started dating, it was not a very healthy space.

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Speaker 1: Now that I look back, I think hindsight is definitely

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty. And when I think about the men that

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Speaker 1: I was attracting when I was first dating compared to now,

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Speaker 1: it's very different. So anything else we should add for

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Speaker 1: the framing of the episode before we jump on.

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Speaker 2: In, No, I think that's it. I have questions.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that's good question.

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Speaker 2: So okay, because as I'm listening to you and you're

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Speaker 2: sharing that who you are, who you are now is

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Speaker 2: different than who you were when you were first separated, right,

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Speaker 2: makes total sense? Yeah, And I think about what I

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Speaker 2: know personally from speaking with you, being witnessing this journey, right,

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Speaker 2: And so I want us to clarify for the listeners,

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Speaker 2: what does that mean when we say when you were saying,

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Speaker 2: you weren't necessarily in the healthiest space.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good question. Dom. So I when I

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Speaker 1: think about I'm trying to like envision my previous self,

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Speaker 1: I was living in a different space, Like everything was

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Speaker 1: just so different. Right, So when I was first in

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Speaker 1: my dating phase, I would say that one I was

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Speaker 1: in a space of like we talked about the whole phase, right,

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Speaker 1: so it was very much I was very much interested

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Speaker 1: in like having physical connections and not necessarily like building

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Speaker 1: something or dating with intentionality or anything, or looking for

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Speaker 1: anything long term. So I wouldn't say that's an unhealthy

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Speaker 1: space though, but that is just where I was. I

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Speaker 1: think that what was unhealthy for me in that space

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Speaker 1: was me dating. And I hate to say this, but

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Speaker 1: it's the truth when I look back and I'm being

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Speaker 1: honest with myself, there was a spirit of desperation that

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Speaker 1: I had. And what I mean by that is I

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Speaker 1: found myself like if I found a connection. Back then,

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Speaker 1: when I found a connection that I really enjoyed and

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Speaker 1: I wanted, I felt like I was. I felt like

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Speaker 1: my abandonment issues were being triggered, and I saw myself

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Speaker 1: squeaking certain aspects of myself so that I would not

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Speaker 1: so they wouldn't leave, or so that I could be

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Speaker 1: perceived as the good woman. Also, I was coming from

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Speaker 1: being a wife for like almost a decade and being

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Speaker 1: in a relationship for twelve years, so I was very

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Speaker 1: much primed like I was in like wifey mode. So

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Speaker 1: everyone don't deserve whitey treatment when you're just meeting them,

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Speaker 1: you know, And so I think I had to kind

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Speaker 1: of adjust how I was showing up. But I think

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Speaker 1: the thing that was unhealthy for me was the abandonment

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Speaker 1: issues that were being triggered and like coming from a

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Speaker 1: place of desperation and validation.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, so I appreciate you. I appreciate you indulging

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Speaker 2: me and letting me put you on the spot and

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Speaker 2: ask those questions, those clarifying questions, for sure, because because

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Speaker 2: what I noticed in terms of particularly in my work

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Speaker 2: as a therapist, is that what you're saying, like the

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Speaker 2: unhealthy piece is about identifying that, right, Like identifying what

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Speaker 2: is it that's actually coming up for you that's influencing

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Speaker 2: your decision making. Right. So, because I also want to

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Speaker 2: be clear that the whole phase that you went through, right,

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Speaker 2: I don't want us to shame that. I want us

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Speaker 2: to actually celebrate that, because there were pieces of you

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Speaker 2: that needed that to get to where you are now.

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Speaker 2: And so that quote unquote whole phase in and of

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Speaker 2: itself was not unhealthy exactly. Yes, what you're identifying as

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Speaker 2: unhealthy were the ways in which you were engaging to

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Speaker 2: address certain internal dynamics that you were experiencing. And I

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Speaker 2: think that's an important distinction.

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Speaker 1: That is an incredible distinction, dom and I could not

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Speaker 1: agree more. And the only other thing I would add

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Speaker 1: to that is I also realized that I was I

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Speaker 1: was lonely in some ways, and I didn't I was

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable being with myself in a meaningful way. So like

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Speaker 1: I'm not talking about like having Netflix on and binge

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Speaker 1: watching the show, but like I was uncomfortable with the

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Speaker 1: solitude and silence in a for a certain portion of that.

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Speaker 1: And so sometimes when we're lonely, you know, it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: a warm body will do right. So it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: that person isn't treating you well or they don't have,

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Speaker 1: you know, good behavior. You're just kind of tolerating things

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Speaker 1: that you probably tolerating things that probably won't serve you.

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Speaker 1: So I appreciate you making that distinction, domb. Ain't nothing

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Speaker 1: wrong with the whole fage, y'all, Okay, cause I might

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Speaker 1: go into another one. You just never know when the

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Speaker 1: next whole phase is coming, Okay. But I think it's

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Speaker 1: about the learn things that we get in the self

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Speaker 1: reflection and of course safety like always making sure that

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Speaker 1: we're safe. So yeah, thank you for those questions.

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Speaker 2: Don all right, So with that in mind, yes, let's

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Speaker 2: think about with that stage being said, let's think about

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Speaker 2: what does that really look like to date like a boss?

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Speaker 2: You know, as we were preparing for this episode, there

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Speaker 2: were lots of quotes that and lots of people speaking

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Speaker 2: about relationships and speaking about what dating looks like, and

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Speaker 2: something that constantly kept that a recurring theme in a

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Speaker 2: lot of what we were finding is the message that

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Speaker 2: we're receiving is that one the work starts within right

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Speaker 2: makes sense. I'm here for that, understand that. And then

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Speaker 2: two that your dating experiences are a mirror or a

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Speaker 2: reflection of who you are. I need to unpack that.

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Speaker 2: I need us to unpack that, because there's so much

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Speaker 2: in the dating landscape now that could leave people feeling confused.

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Speaker 2: So I think about when someone's in an abusive relationship,

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Speaker 2: are we saying to that person that you deserve that

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Speaker 2: abuse or that there is a problem with you because

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Speaker 2: you are on the receiving end of abuse. To me,

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Speaker 2: when someone is on the receiving end of being in

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Speaker 2: an abusive relationship, for some people that may be a

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Speaker 2: reflection of their self worth, but for most people, there

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Speaker 2: are lots of other nuanced things that have them in

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Speaker 2: that situation that are not always tied to their self worth,

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Speaker 2: and so I want us to be mindful of that part, right.

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Speaker 2: I also want us to take into consideration that there

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Speaker 2: are times when your self worth is high and you

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Speaker 2: are attracting unhealthy people because they are seeking you for

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Speaker 2: healing and so's and that is that could be considered

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Speaker 2: a reflect of your self worth because your self worth

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Speaker 2: is that high that you are drawing in folks who

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Speaker 2: need to who want to feed off of the amazingness

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Speaker 2: that you are putting out there. And so for me,

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Speaker 2: when I hear these I see these statements from relationship

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Speaker 2: coaches or people in general talking about dating and relationships,

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Speaker 2: I just want us to be to unpack that, to

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Speaker 2: really just understand that not everybody who is in a

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Speaker 2: dating relationship is in a place of low self worth,

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Speaker 2: and just because your relationship is not working out the

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Speaker 2: way that you want it to, that is not always

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Speaker 2: a reflection of you. And so I think it's important

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Speaker 2: when we're looking at relationships and we're examining why we're

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Speaker 2: in the situations that we're in, that we don't go

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Speaker 2: to a deficit perspective that there's oh, if this relationship

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Speaker 2: is unhealthy, then automatically that means there's something wrong with

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Speaker 2: me some Ion'll just put that out there.

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Speaker 1: That's good. Yeah, that was a good mic drop. I

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Speaker 1: think there's so much to unpack down now. You got

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Speaker 1: me wanting to relisten to the beginning of the episode

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Speaker 1: to unpack all that you share. But now I think

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Speaker 1: that's I think that was beautifully stated. It's super important

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Speaker 1: as we dive into this conversation. So thank you for that, Dom,

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Speaker 1: And I guess without further ado, we should jump into

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Speaker 1: some of these five ways to stay in control and

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Speaker 1: never settle when you are in these dating streets and

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Speaker 1: dating like a boss. And so the first one Dom

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Speaker 1: I would say for me is to always put yourself first.

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Speaker 1: But I think before you can put yourself first and

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Speaker 1: important to know who you are. And I think that

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Speaker 1: requires a level of time with yourself. And so as

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Speaker 1: I'm dating now, I am my first priority.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: I think many of us have been taught, especially black women,

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Speaker 1: to care for others and take care of other people

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Speaker 1: and do this and do that for everyone else. And

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Speaker 1: I think that in this season, when I say I'm

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Speaker 1: dating myself, it means I'm holding space for myself. Like

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Speaker 1: you can't say that you're dating yourself and then you

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Speaker 1: don't have any time, Like you look at your calendar,

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Speaker 1: you haven't spent any time with yourself. You don't. You know,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be going outside and doing things necessarily,

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Speaker 1: but like, are you spending time with yourself? Are you

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Speaker 1: checking in? Are you asking yourself? You know, how do

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Speaker 1: I feel? Am I fulfilled? What am I doing in

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Speaker 1: my life? Do you have a community? You know? Something right?

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Speaker 1: And so for me that has looked like prioritizing my workouts,

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Speaker 1: prioritizing the time that I have on the calendar just

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Speaker 1: to do nothing. I've been doing a lot more of that,

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Speaker 1: taking myself on dates. So just prioritizing that and also

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Speaker 1: not seeking validation. I think that when I was dating before,

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Speaker 1: like when I was fresh in the dating world, I

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Speaker 1: was very I don't know if self conscious was the word,

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Speaker 1: but I cared a lot about like, oh, what is

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Speaker 1: this guy going to think?

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Speaker 3: Now?

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what do I think? I don't care what

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Speaker 1: he thinks, Like what do I think about? What do

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Speaker 1: I think about me? What do I think about my outfit?

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Speaker 1: What do I think and just centering myself in my

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Speaker 1: world versus the opinion of someone else if they're going

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Speaker 1: to stay, it's like you get all of nothing. So

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Speaker 1: I think because I accept myself so much more, I'm

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Speaker 1: able to show up more powerfully, and if someone doesn't

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Speaker 1: like that, doesn't connect with them on to the next

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Speaker 1: like it's cool, you don't have to be here, you

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Speaker 1: don't have to stay here, versus like trying to grab

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Speaker 1: hold of someone and like force them to stay. So

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Speaker 1: that's kind of where I'm at with that particular I

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Speaker 1: guess perspective shift down, it's like being more intentional with

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Speaker 1: putting myself first and understanding what that looks like in

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Speaker 1: my life.

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Speaker 2: I think that's an important perspective shift because I think

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Speaker 2: what it also does is it allows you to figure

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Speaker 2: out how to maintain that independence as you are dating, right, Yes,

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Speaker 2: And the hope then is that you're able to maintain

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Speaker 2: that level of independence when you are in a relationship. Right.

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Speaker 2: And so we have a whole episode where we talk

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Speaker 2: about like being maintaining your sense of self within a relationship,

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Speaker 2: and so I think the other piece that comes up

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Speaker 2: for me around that is putting yourself first also looks like,

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Speaker 2: what are the things that you need to do to

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Speaker 2: take care of you so that you can show up

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Speaker 2: as your full self as you're dating? Right? So, like,

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Speaker 2: I think about something that I used to do early

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Speaker 2: on in dating, is I would move my entire schedule

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Speaker 2: around to accommodate the person that I was seeing, right,

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Speaker 2: And this could have been this could be the first date, right,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh, wait, hold on, they said that

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Speaker 2: they're available at five o'clock and I know that I

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Speaker 2: got a meeting that ending at four forty five and

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Speaker 2: another one that's supposed to start at six. Is that

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Speaker 2: enough time for a date? No, it's not. But you

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Speaker 2: know what what I used to do is I would

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Speaker 2: figure out, okay, well, can I move one of these

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Speaker 2: meetings around or can I see them for like thirty minutes?

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Speaker 2: And then I'm stressed out And that means then I'm

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Speaker 2: not shown I'm showing up stressed. I'm not able to

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Speaker 2: be fully present because I'm watching the clock because I

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Speaker 2: need to get to the next thing. And it just

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Speaker 2: doesn't It's not a good look for anybody, right because

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Speaker 2: this could be a potential long term partner. But because

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Speaker 2: I'm not showing up as present as I can. I'm

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Speaker 2: keeping myself from really learning about them, and what I'm

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Speaker 2: showing them is that I don't know how to manage

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Speaker 2: my time, oh girl, because they don't know on the

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Speaker 2: back end all of what's happening. What they see is

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Speaker 2: me being frazzled and not present. That is a good one, right,

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Speaker 2: Like the healthier version is to step back in to say, Okay,

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Speaker 2: five o'clock works for you, but unfortunately that doesn't work

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Speaker 2: for me. Here are times when I'm available because I

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Speaker 2: want to make sure that I'm able to be present, Yes,

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Speaker 2: not rushing from the previous thing, not watching the clock

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Speaker 2: to get to the next thing. I want to be

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Speaker 2: able to be present in that moment so that they

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Speaker 2: can get to know me and I can truly get

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Speaker 2: to know them.

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Speaker 1: I love that so much, Sean, and I think that

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Speaker 1: kind of goes back to something we talked about in

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Speaker 1: the previous episode, whereas I keep your commitments, keep the

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Speaker 1: keep your schedule, don't be clearing all your stuff, keep.

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Speaker 2: Going on exactly that.

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Speaker 1: On the calendar. And I did a lot of journaling too.

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Speaker 1: I want to share a couple of journal like a

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Speaker 1: couple questions I was writing in my journal and answering

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Speaker 1: for myself around this topic. One is am I sacrificing

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Speaker 1: my piece for this person? Just like asking yourself, am

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Speaker 1: I sacrificing my piece? Do I genuinely enjoy their presence?

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Speaker 1: Or am I feeling a void? That was another one

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Speaker 1: I had to answer, and I was like, oh, oh oh.

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Speaker 1: And the next one is would I want my best

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Speaker 1: friend or my daughter or my niece to be treated

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Speaker 1: the way I'm being treated? I think that's another really

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Speaker 1: good question to ask ourselves, right, And I think the

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Speaker 1: mindset shift around this is remembering you are the prize

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Speaker 1: and your life is already fulfilling, and anyone that's entering

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Speaker 1: your life, they should be adding value, not chaos, not drama,

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Speaker 1: not uncertainty, not you know, inconsistency, all that they need

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Speaker 1: to be adding value as well.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I agree, And so then that takes us to

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Speaker 2: the second perspective shift, make people prove why they deserve

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Speaker 2: your time and energy, going back to saying you know

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Speaker 2: you are the prize, why do they deserve your time

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Speaker 2: and energy? It's the first date. I don't need to

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Speaker 2: move my schedule around for you. You haven't proven yourself now,

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Speaker 2: down the line, months in we're in a relationship. Sure

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Speaker 2: there may be things that I move around to make

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Speaker 2: room for this new relationship. But let's note that I

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Speaker 2: said months down the line, we're in a relationship. So like,

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Speaker 2: it's clear that there's some level of commitment, whatever that

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Speaker 2: looks like for you. But this is not the first date.

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Speaker 2: We're not doing this on the first date. This person

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Speaker 2: has not proven that they deserve your time and energy.

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Speaker 2: And let's also be clear, you haven't proven it to

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Speaker 2: them either. You know that you're a boss, you know

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Speaker 2: that you're amazing. They don't quite know that yet.

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Speaker 1: Girl. Let me tell you. So with this one, dom,

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Speaker 1: what what I had to limit? I feel like I

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Speaker 1: just okay, so back at this came from childhood, probably

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Speaker 1: back I remember back in the day, right, you be

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Speaker 1: in the mall and boys would ask for your number.

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Speaker 1: You'd be walking down the street and a guy would

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Speaker 1: try to talk to you and get your number. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know if it's been the people pleaser in

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Speaker 1: me or out of fear. I don't know what it

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Speaker 1: was that I always felt like I had to give

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Speaker 1: my information, like I just had to give someone my time,

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Speaker 1: and not that I was doing it in the way

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Speaker 1: that I was when I was younger, but I felt

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Speaker 1: like these days I was before, you know, when I

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Speaker 1: first started dating again, I felt like I was just

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Speaker 1: giving people my time without ensuring that they proved that, Like,

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Speaker 1: why do you deserve my time? Because, like you said

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Speaker 1: in the beginning, down a lot of us when we

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Speaker 1: have that light, when we have you know that good energy,

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Speaker 1: and people are attracted to it. Right. Everyone's attracted to light, right,

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Speaker 1: whether they whether it's I'm thinking of an analogy, I

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Speaker 1: can't even do you know what dom is it? Mops?

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Speaker 1: I walked, Yes, there we go. Everybody wants to light,

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Speaker 1: but they have to prove and let you know that

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Speaker 1: they deserve to be there. And so I don't just

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Speaker 1: give my number out to anybody. I've had a couple

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Speaker 1: a couple guys reach out, and I won't talk about

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Speaker 1: my vetting process on the podcast because they might be

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Speaker 1: listening and won't want to give them any you know,

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Speaker 1: any tips. Girl, I have a whole vetting process.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: I had a guy reach out wanting to like hop

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Speaker 1: on a oh matter of fact, guess he did, y'all.

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Speaker 1: He reached out all he was slick, right, he reached

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Speaker 1: out because I've been posting on LinkedIn a lot. He

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Speaker 1: reached out on a post and said he was interested

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Speaker 1: in something that I shared, and he was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I have all these questions, maybe a phone call would

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Speaker 1: be better. And I'm thinking, like, sir, I'm actually legitimately busy.

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Speaker 1: I don't have time to just be putting random people

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Speaker 1: on my schedule. So I didn't say that, but I

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Speaker 1: sent him a very detailed message with answers to all

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Speaker 1: the questions. I took time out of my busy day

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Speaker 1: to do all that. Guess what crickets after I did

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Speaker 1: not respond about the phone call and sent him the

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Speaker 1: information and say thank you, you didn't respond at all, And

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Speaker 1: to me, that was like wonderful. You know, let me know, right,

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Speaker 1: And so I think just letting people get people time

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Speaker 1: and space to show who they are. So if someone

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Speaker 1: wants to be if they're interested in you, make them wait.

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Speaker 1: Don't let someone have instant access to you and your life.

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Speaker 1: Another person was trying to text me and was trying

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Speaker 1: to start this daily text thing. Huh uh, we ain't

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Speaker 1: doing that because when I don't know you, I'm not

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Speaker 1: trying to get attached to you and get accustomed to

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Speaker 1: this rapport when I don't know who you are as

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Speaker 1: a person, And so I tend to set boundaries early

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Speaker 1: on and let people know I'm not a big texter.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be texting all day. I'll text,

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Speaker 1: I'll get back to your days or a week later,

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Speaker 1: especially if I don't know you that well and we're

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Speaker 1: already texting. So that's another thing, not letting people into

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Speaker 1: your life quickly, observing them for some time first. And

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Speaker 1: then also the other thing is just because someone's interested

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean they should have access to you, cause again

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Speaker 1: we don't know what we don't know what they're offering,

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Speaker 1: and access to you as a privilege. And the other

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Speaker 1: thing I realized I was talking to a lot of

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Speaker 1: my guy friends right and let me know if you

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Speaker 1: notice this with your guy friends, and they kind of

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Speaker 1: reminded me of the value that people get from being

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Speaker 1: in relationship with me, because a lot of us givers healers.

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Speaker 1: No matter what type of relationship we're in, you are

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Speaker 1: getting something from our relationship, whether it's our positive energy,

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Speaker 1: our perspective, dom I know you'd be doing low key

433
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 1: therapy on the side with certain people who are in

434
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: your circle, so they get some free therapy in a way,

435
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So it's like we're giving

436
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: all this value and you think you're just about to

437
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,880
Speaker 1: You think you're about to just slide up into this

438
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,400
Speaker 1: all this goodness without offering anything. And so my homeboys

439
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 1: were telling me down, They're like, I really appreciate our relationship.

440
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,199
Speaker 1: They talk about all kinds of things they don't talk

441
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,680
Speaker 1: about with their homeboys. They don't often have spaces where

442
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,680
Speaker 1: they can talk about the deep stuff that we talk

443
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 1: about and have safety and peace in a safe space.

444
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: And so I'm like, I was like, people want to

445
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 1: be you know, these other men want to be connected.

446
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,760
Speaker 1: You have to you have to prove your worth and

447
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,320
Speaker 1: value and you also have to maintain it over time.

448
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,240
Speaker 1: So you can't just come in and because you're in

449
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 1: your here for life, you need to maintain that. So

450
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: if you start to be toxic or you start to

451
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,720
Speaker 1: develop some bad traits, you might have to go. Okay.

452
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:12,920
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's that's a big one exactly.

453
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,920
Speaker 2: And I think with that too, you know, people get

454
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 2: to earn more time in your life. Right, So I

455
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 2: like what you said about how you're very you set

456
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,119
Speaker 2: boundaries very early on. And I think it's also something

457
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 2: else that you mentioned that I don't know if everybody caught,

458
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,439
Speaker 2: and I want to make sure they called it is

459
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:39,480
Speaker 2: that you communicate those boundaries right. So you let people

460
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 2: know up front that you don't text, that you're not

461
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:47,199
Speaker 2: much of a texter, right, and that you aren't going

462
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 2: to be responding right away. Lady, it's twenty twenty five,

463
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: and we deserve a space where we can show up

464
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,400
Speaker 2: just as we are, ready to meet others just as

465
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 2: they are. But does that space even exist?

466
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,240
Speaker 1: It sure does. I just created a Field account to

467
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 1: build my community dom and as a newly single woman

468
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: who's dating, I'm looking for great dating experiences, but I

469
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 1: also want to create deeper connections. Let's tell you out

470
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: about Field. Okay. Field is not just a dating app.

471
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: It's a space where you can explore your desires, whether

472
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,280
Speaker 1: that's open relationships, pollamory, cuddling, or just finding people who

473
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: share your vibe. So think brunch dates, wine tasting, or

474
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: even a pottery class crew.

475
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 2: Ooh girl, okay, I think you might have had me

476
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,639
Speaker 2: at brunch and wine tasting. But okay, wait, wait, wait, wait,

477
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 2: how does Field make it different from the usual dating

478
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,720
Speaker 2: apps like what's the Energy Girl.

479
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:51,359
Speaker 1: First of all, you don't have to worry about that

480
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: algorithm nonsense. You are in full control of your experience

481
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,360
Speaker 1: and there's no pressure to swipe. Oh you know what else,

482
00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,560
Speaker 1: I love to You can actually go back change your

483
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,880
Speaker 1: mind about someone, and I know on some of these

484
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,679
Speaker 1: other apps, you swipe and you're like, oh wait, I

485
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: wanted to go, I wanted to way, So yeah, you

486
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 1: can go back. Plus, they have this constellation feature that

487
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,439
Speaker 1: lets you link up with your friends or partners, so

488
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 1: it's really like meeting people with your community already in mind.

489
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 1: And also, Dom you're gonna love this part. Okay, coming

490
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: close for this, y'all. Transparency is key. This is a

491
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 1: space where people are upfront about their relationship styles and

492
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,360
Speaker 1: what they're looking for. So no more guessing games, because

493
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,480
Speaker 1: y'all know how it is. Where you're going app, you

494
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,360
Speaker 1: meet somebody who started liking them and you find out

495
00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:37,360
Speaker 1: they got fifty eleven baby mama's and this relationship over here.

496
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: Transparency is key over here.

497
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 2: Listen. I like that. Okay, transparency, I love that. So

498
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 2: no weird swiping games, no worrying about being catfished. It's

499
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 2: a space where people actually like communicate using big people

500
00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 2: words like this sounds refreshing.

501
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 1: Okay, exactly, and you know what else? I love too.

502
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,719
Speaker 1: It's not just about dating. You can literally use Field

503
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: to find friendships, travel buddies, or even creative collaborators. And

504
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: the thing is too dom If your desires or identity evolve,

505
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,959
Speaker 1: it's not a big deal. What I read is that

506
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,880
Speaker 1: sixty two percent of members actually shift their interests in

507
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 1: their first year on the app.

508
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,840
Speaker 2: What okay, lady, I mean you had me at brunch

509
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 2: and wine tasting, but I think now I'm convinced. So

510
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 2: I know, if I'm convinced, other people want to know.

511
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,240
Speaker 2: Where can they check this out?

512
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 1: I got y'all go download Field spelled fe e l

513
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,480
Speaker 1: d and it's pronounced like soccer field. Okay, on the

514
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,520
Speaker 1: App store or on Google Play. Get into it, and

515
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 1: if y'all see me on Field, stop by and say hello, okay,

516
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 1: because I'm on there. I'm building our community.

517
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, So go check out Field and let

518
00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 2: us know what you think. So you let people know

519
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 2: up front that you don't text, that you're not much

520
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 2: of a texter, right and that you aren't going to

521
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:15,280
Speaker 2: be responding right away. And I think what happens that

522
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:21,000
Speaker 2: people don't necessarily pay attention to is that when you

523
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 2: give time, when you give things time, then that gives

524
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:33,480
Speaker 2: people a chance to see who you are. But also

525
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,760
Speaker 2: as things evolve and you get to be more comfortable

526
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:42,640
Speaker 2: with a person and that person is earning your time

527
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 2: and energy, they will see that, Okay, well maybe you

528
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 2: are responding to them a little bit more promptly, right, Yes,

529
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 2: so instead of taking a week to get back to them,

530
00:30:55,240 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 2: you might respond the next day, right, And when you

531
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 2: all are in a space where you feel like you

532
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 2: are worthy of more time and energy of each other,

533
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 2: then yes, you may respond same day as soon as

534
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 2: you happen to see it and then are able to respond.

535
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:20,320
Speaker 1: Yes. I'm so glad you said that down because that

536
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 1: literally happened with a new friend. Where after I got

537
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 1: to understand, like who is this person? What surviving energy?

538
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 1: And also what am I getting out of this? Right

539
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 1: after I did a little bit of that, we now

540
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,800
Speaker 1: we text more often, we have zoom check ins, and

541
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:35,040
Speaker 1: there's more time because I'm also benefiting from the connection

542
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 1: and it's not one way. And so when I say,

543
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: like earning their spot. It's not in a manipulative way, right,

544
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 1: It's a way that requires mutual effort and intentionality. And

545
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,080
Speaker 1: I think there are a couple of questions that we

546
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 1: can ask ourselves to maintain high standards, and one could

547
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: be do their actions align with their words? Because I

548
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,640
Speaker 1: don't really want people in my life right now where

549
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,480
Speaker 1: you say one thing and you do something else. So

550
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: you say you're going to do this and then you

551
00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 1: don't follow through, that's not really I'm not in that.

552
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,959
Speaker 1: Are they consistent over time? And then again are they

553
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 1: adding value? Are they just taking right? So I think

554
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:09,320
Speaker 1: that when we hold space and let people show us

555
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: who they are over time, it allows us to make

556
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:14,040
Speaker 1: better decisions because a lot of times what happens is

557
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 1: we let someone in, we get close to them, they

558
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,680
Speaker 1: kind of are baked into our schedule before we have

559
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,479
Speaker 1: a chance to know them, and then the real them

560
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 1: shows up and we didn't already like the person, So

561
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: now we're tolerating things because we like certain parts of them,

562
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 1: but then we see the real them. So I found

563
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: that it allows me to protect my heart because I

564
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 1: am so open and I want to help everybody and

565
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: do all that so I'm able to like vet people accordingly.

566
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 2: And I also want to be clear that this is

567
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 2: for when you are in the process of dating intentionally, right, Yes,

568
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:47,640
Speaker 2: this is not how it works. These perspectives that we're

569
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,800
Speaker 2: offering today is not how it works when you're in

570
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,680
Speaker 2: it for a hookup right when you're you're trying to

571
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,120
Speaker 2: hit it and quit it. You in town for one night,

572
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,760
Speaker 2: or you're here for a good time not a long time.

573
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 2: These perspectives don't apply to you, yes, but if you

574
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 2: are in the process of dating intentionally and wanting something

575
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:17,920
Speaker 2: to be more long term, these perspectives are what's going

576
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 2: to be helpful for you. And so then that actually

577
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 2: takes us to the third perspective, and as a person

578
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 2: is earning your time and energy, how we know whether

579
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 2: or not they are worth it is we can take notes,

580
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 2: and especially if you're in the dating phase where you're

581
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 2: dating multiple people, it is so helpful take notes and

582
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 2: end things swiftly when someone shows you who they are

583
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:51,000
Speaker 2: and it's not aligned with what you're looking for. Now.

584
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 2: So I know someone who had a spreadsheet and well,

585
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 2: multiple people, multiple people because lady of your listening and

586
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:03,760
Speaker 2: not watching Terry put her hand up. But there are

587
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 2: I know multiple people who keep a spreadsheet, right, some

588
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 2: type of visual form of being able to keep track

589
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:16,280
Speaker 2: when you're dating multiple people, so that you have notes,

590
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 2: not just not only Oh, I have this date on

591
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:29,840
Speaker 2: Monday night at seven o'clock with Guy A, and then

592
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 2: I have another date with Guy B on Wednesday at noon.

593
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,239
Speaker 2: It's not just keeping track of that, it's well, who

594
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 2: is Guy A? What are the things? What are the

595
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 2: characteristics that he's bringing to the table. Does he match

596
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 2: and me your wants needs? Does he not violate any

597
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:59,400
Speaker 2: of your non negotiables? How do you feel when you

598
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 2: communicate with him, whether that's on the phone, social media,

599
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 2: in person, making note of all of those things. And

600
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 2: if someone, for instance, comes up and they violate your

601
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 2: non negotiable, he's out of there and didn't be done.

602
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so down, I have a story I want

603
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: to tell you. It's a bit juicy. I'm gonna save

604
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,160
Speaker 1: it for the after show, So lady, make sure you

605
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,359
Speaker 1: go to herspacepodcast dot com, click on Patreon and get

606
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: access to our after show to hear the story. I'm

607
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 1: gonna tell you the story related to this tip but

608
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just talk about the tip for now and

609
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 1: try not to dive into deep into the story. But

610
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:39,359
Speaker 1: what I'll say is red flags don't fade with time, right,

611
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 1: they just get harder to ignore. And so I would

612
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,840
Speaker 1: say what I've learned is to stop giving people multiple

613
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:48,360
Speaker 1: chances when they've already shown me who they are. Now, Donald,

614
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 1: I know, I don't think that you have a problem

615
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,120
Speaker 1: with me bringing this up. But before the episode, I

616
00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 1: brought up a situation where you were talking to a guy.

617
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 1: And the only reason I'm bring it up was because

618
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: it was like, it was not a big deal. I'm

619
00:35:59,200 --> 00:35:59,960
Speaker 1: not gonna say what happened.

620
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 2: I know which story. I know that story, you could

621
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:01,920
Speaker 2: share it.

622
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 1: We're good, Thank you girl. So he made it okay,

623
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 1: So don was, you know, just kind of hanging out

624
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: with this guy. He made a statement. It was a

625
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 1: very disrespectful statement. Do we want to say the statement

626
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 1: or no? No, okay, it's disrespectful.

627
00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:14,839
Speaker 2: We're not going to say disrespectful.

628
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,239
Speaker 1: He said it, and Dom told him that it offended him,

629
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: that it offended her, and he like brushed it off

630
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 1: and was just kind of like, oh, I didn't say

631
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:24,440
Speaker 1: it to you. I just was saying and da da da.

632
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 1: I feel like the old mediam I would have been like, oh, well,

633
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,759
Speaker 1: he's cute, he's fun. I'm just gonna let it ride

634
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 1: to me. That's a red flag. What do they what

635
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,359
Speaker 1: do they say, y'all? Red flag? Red flag on the play?

636
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 1: I'm not into sports, but y'all know what they say, Well,

637
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 1: you wanna play that ship out of here? The flag

638
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 1: gonna play? That ship is out of here. It's done.

639
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,880
Speaker 1: And my thing is people are people show you who

640
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 1: they are, so let them let them be them. I

641
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 1: think there is a time and space to have a

642
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 1: conversation with someone and have a constructive conversation about oh,

643
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: you know, next time, da da. But if he if

644
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,799
Speaker 1: you tell somebody this offends me and he says, well,

645
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:01,080
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter because they're it's gonna come up in

646
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 1: so many more ways in the future, like that is

647
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,120
Speaker 1: a premonition of what you can expect from that person. Now,

648
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,080
Speaker 1: what I'll say about the story, I'm not going to

649
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:09,360
Speaker 1: give all the details, but the story I'm going to

650
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 1: tell you. I had a two night stand, okay too

651
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:15,279
Speaker 1: nights stand with this guy. And what I realized Dom

652
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,960
Speaker 1: is that even though our interactions together. They were cool,

653
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,640
Speaker 1: like yeah, Like the sex was cool, like every it

654
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:22,960
Speaker 1: was a good experience when we were together. But I

655
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:26,480
Speaker 1: didn't really care for the way he communicated. It was

656
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:28,360
Speaker 1: very it was something about it. I didn't like the

657
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 1: way he communicated via text. But also it didn't really

658
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 1: like the way I felt with him, like fully, if

659
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 1: that makes sense. I now I have, you know, a

660
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 1: good rapport with a couple guys, and I'm like, okay,

661
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:42,959
Speaker 1: I enjoy the way I feel with him. I feel

662
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 1: like I could be myself, be comfortable this particular guy.

663
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,040
Speaker 1: I couldn't put my finger on it. Lady. Sometimes if

664
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 1: you can't put your finger on it, you don't got

665
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 1: to figure the shit out. If you can't put your

666
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,920
Speaker 1: finger on it, you don't got to dig. Oh, I

667
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: wonder why you might just need to go okay, And

668
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: so what I did. I'm so proud of myself. He

669
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 1: texted me something and I had an off boarding message,

670
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: and I basically told him just so he wouldn't be

671
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 1: ghosted and be wondering. I said, you know, it's been

672
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,839
Speaker 1: really great getting to know you, and I've enjoyed our

673
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,839
Speaker 1: time together, and I'm focusing on some personal things right now.

674
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: So I'm going to discontinue this connection basically, And that

675
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 1: was it, and it felt so good to let that

676
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: go and to detach. And so what I learned is

677
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 1: that if someone is showing inconsistency, disrespect, or lack of

678
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,319
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence, it's okay to walk away. You don't got

679
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: to go try to fix nobody, because there are so

680
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: many more people out there who are open and capable

681
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 1: of loving you and showing up in the way that

682
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 1: you desire. And so something you can ask yourself again,

683
00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 1: is what I want my loved one to experience this treatment? Right,

684
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: that's a question you can ask yourself if you're on

685
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 1: the fence about how someone is behaving. And again, remind ourselves,

686
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 1: we don't got to try to fix people or wait

687
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:57,359
Speaker 1: for potential. Okay, we are accepting what is all right? Yes, yes,

688
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:01,279
Speaker 1: accept potential with your kids grown up, because they got

689
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,879
Speaker 1: to come, they got to come ready, ooh child?

690
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:08,759
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, because you could be waiting for potential as

691
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,440
Speaker 2: you were saying, you could be waiting for potential for decades,

692
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:17,600
Speaker 2: like decades. Yeah, you deserve more. You deserve more than that.

693
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:24,320
Speaker 2: And and so I think as I was listening to you. Yeah,

694
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 2: it is important to end it. And I like your

695
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,160
Speaker 2: your offboarding message, right, And I know that we have

696
00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 2: an episode where we talk about ghosting and when ghosting

697
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:38,440
Speaker 2: is appropriate and to me, in this situation, because you

698
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:43,560
Speaker 2: all had had previous interactions, it was appropriate to not ghosts, right.

699
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 2: And in this situation, because you all had previous interactions,

700
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:53,520
Speaker 2: it was better to send that off boarding message so

701
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 2: that he doesn't keep circling back. Yeah, and put you

702
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 2: in a position where because we all fall short sometimes,

703
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,200
Speaker 2: but you in a position where you have a relapse

704
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 2: of people pleasing and you're in this cycle with him

705
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,919
Speaker 2: for longer than you need to be right, Yes, girl,

706
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,279
Speaker 2: And so we'll have to probably do an episode on

707
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:24,560
Speaker 2: how to appropriately off board or or end a relationship

708
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,360
Speaker 2: or end and I say relationship, but d a dynamic, right,

709
00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:36,640
Speaker 2: because there are different levels. Yes, somebody a divorce is

710
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,879
Speaker 2: different than this person that you had a two night

711
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 2: stand with. Yes, And so how you approach those situations

712
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 2: and all the things in between it looks different.

713
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: Yes, girl, that's a great episode. I'm writing it down, y'all,

714
00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:56,719
Speaker 1: so come back so we can cover that. Shall we

715
00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 1: jump at the number four? Right? Y'all get ready for

716
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: number four. Number four is probably one of my favorites,

717
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 1: and number four is what's in it for you? And

718
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,440
Speaker 1: what do you want? I think too often we date

719
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,279
Speaker 1: to be chosen, instead of asking do I even want

720
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: this person? Like just because someone's giving me attention, they're

721
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 1: buying me stuff, they're doing saying all the right things,

722
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:18,640
Speaker 1: Am I flattered? Or do I really see something with

723
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: this person? And again, this is not the you know,

724
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,040
Speaker 1: the whole phase discussion. This is when you're looking for

725
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: something serious, right, And so I think that shifting the

726
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 1: focus and asking ourselves these questions can really help out here.

727
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 1: And so one question is like what qualities truly matter

728
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:32,000
Speaker 1: to me?

729
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:32,879
Speaker 3: Right?

730
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,759
Speaker 1: Like in this phase in my life? What qualities truly

731
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,839
Speaker 1: matter when it comes to dating? What do I need

732
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 1: to feel safe, validated and loved in this season of

733
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:40,839
Speaker 1: my life?

734
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:41,120
Speaker 2: Right?

735
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,160
Speaker 1: And then are you compromising just to keep someone around?

736
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:45,760
Speaker 1: We all know how it is when you get lonely

737
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 1: sometimes and we may have been in that space where

738
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 1: we're like, I just want a warm bodies better than nothing,

739
00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 1: So like, ask ourselves, am I doing that right now?

740
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 1: Is this the season for that? Right now? Or do

741
00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:57,319
Speaker 1: I want something more. And then also the power of

742
00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: just walking away when something is not a line mind right,

743
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: I think that's also really important. And I'm kind of

744
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:04,960
Speaker 1: going back to what we said earlier. We often give

745
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:07,760
Speaker 1: so much value, and so someone got to be offering

746
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,200
Speaker 1: something other than some dick. Like if you are in

747
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 1: the dating phase, and we're not talking about the whole

748
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 1: phase where that's all you're looking for, I'm talking about

749
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 1: when you're looking for something intentional, what else do you

750
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:18,640
Speaker 1: bringing to the table, because it got to be more

751
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 1: to sex. Okay, how are you contributing to my life?

752
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 1: Are you investing in my business? Are you, you know,

753
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 1: mentoring me? Are you giving me some type of game?

754
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:28,800
Speaker 1: Are you enhancing my life in some way? Because I

755
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:30,960
Speaker 1: can't be the only one that's giving me in this situation.

756
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:34,759
Speaker 2: You feel me exactly, and so to me, this is

757
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 2: where that wants needs. A non negotiables list is so

758
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:42,760
Speaker 2: important and aligns with the questions that you put forth

759
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,560
Speaker 2: a moment ago, because when you are able to clearly

760
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:55,279
Speaker 2: identify your wants versus your needs, then you can you

761
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 2: can have that checklist and you can see does this

762
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:02,920
Speaker 2: person meet my needs?

763
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: Now?

764
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,360
Speaker 2: I want to be clear no one is going to

765
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:10,759
Speaker 2: ever meet all of your needs, Like that's an unrealistic expectation.

766
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:15,360
Speaker 2: But are they meeting the needs that are most important

767
00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:22,640
Speaker 2: to you? And if they aren't, have you communicated what

768
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:29,319
Speaker 2: your needs are and given them the opportunity to meet

769
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:33,920
Speaker 2: those needs. I think it's also important to distinguish between

770
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 2: making sure that if you are dating intentionally, that you

771
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:44,400
Speaker 2: truly are focused on your partner meeting your needs and

772
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:49,200
Speaker 2: not necessarily your wants. If they're meeting more of your

773
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 2: wants than your needs, this is a short term person.

774
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:57,960
Speaker 2: In the long run, you will not be happy. And

775
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,040
Speaker 2: notice I said in the long run, in the short

776
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:04,759
Speaker 2: term is gonna work because your wants are being met.

777
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:10,200
Speaker 2: But if your needs are not being met and you

778
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:14,960
Speaker 2: have communicated them long term, this is not going to

779
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:15,480
Speaker 2: be for you.

780
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 1: Yes to that, dom And I want to add a

781
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,160
Speaker 1: little something in there, because one of the things you

782
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:22,840
Speaker 1: said is you may not I think you said you

783
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 1: may not find one person to meet all of these needs.

784
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:28,319
Speaker 1: And once that you have, and I know we've talked

785
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:32,239
Speaker 1: about being like polyamorous on the podcast previously, and that's

786
00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 1: something I've been like ayeing and kind of and I

787
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:36,719
Speaker 1: feel like, when you're dating multiple people, you kind of

788
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:39,040
Speaker 1: are you know, Polly in that you know in that state,

789
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 1: And so I've been exploring that and kind of seeing Okay.

790
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 1: So if you look at the roster, right, you may

791
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:46,320
Speaker 1: have different people on the roster who are serving different

792
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:47,960
Speaker 1: needs and they don't all have to be sexual. Right.

793
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:50,360
Speaker 1: You may have that one person where y'all go do

794
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 1: I don't know, you do go like meditations together. You

795
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: might have another person where you work out with this

796
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 1: person and you go on date night. So I think

797
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 1: also kind of figuring out what is the community of

798
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:02,000
Speaker 1: love of look like to me when you are dating,

799
00:45:02,239 --> 00:45:03,920
Speaker 1: because you may be able to get different things from

800
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:06,480
Speaker 1: different people and then add different points of value to

801
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:08,239
Speaker 1: each of those people that you're engaged with. So I

802
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 1: love that you brought that up.

803
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 2: Too, Yes, And I think to add on to what

804
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:14,440
Speaker 2: you said, I think it's important to know that if

805
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:20,960
Speaker 2: you are wanting the knowing whether you want in a

806
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:29,880
Speaker 2: monogamous relationship versus a polyamorous relationship, because if you're wanting monogamy,

807
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,280
Speaker 2: it still holds true that no one person will check

808
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:38,200
Speaker 2: all of your boxes. But if you are wanting monogamy,

809
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:43,400
Speaker 2: that person needs to check a lot of your boxes.

810
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:50,600
Speaker 2: If you are exploring polyamory, then yes, it is going

811
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 2: to be more appropriate that you will have multiple people

812
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 2: who check multiple boxes. And I think it's important to

813
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,879
Speaker 2: also take into account because something that you pointed out

814
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 2: that I don't think people necessarily want to acknowledge is

815
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:10,240
Speaker 2: that when you are dating, and you are dating multiple people,

816
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:16,160
Speaker 2: that is a level of polyamory. Right, but that needs

817
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:20,160
Speaker 2: to be discussed and communicated with each person that you

818
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:21,120
Speaker 2: were engaged with.

819
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,680
Speaker 1: Okay, yes, yes, and yes to all that. I want

820
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:26,600
Speaker 1: to share one thing down that really leads on to this.

821
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:29,920
Speaker 1: So I was talking to a potential suitor, right, and

822
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: this kind of circle. I feel like this kind of

823
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 1: rounds up the conversation. And he had mentioned something about, oh,

824
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,040
Speaker 1: how we're like such a good fit, right, like, oh

825
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,520
Speaker 1: we have so much A comment like oh such a

826
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:43,600
Speaker 1: good fit. And so the old mediam because again trying

827
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,360
Speaker 1: to be the good girl, trying to be a pleaser,

828
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:47,560
Speaker 1: would have been like, oh, yeah, you know, you're right,

829
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:49,680
Speaker 1: we are. But I was like so straight up and

830
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:51,239
Speaker 1: I was so proud of myself because I said to

831
00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:53,439
Speaker 1: him like, well, I'm in a phase in life where

832
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:57,640
Speaker 1: I'm looking at you know, like a I always get

833
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: the polyes confused, but the polyamorous type of lifestyle where

834
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,239
Speaker 1: I have multiple loves, I don't know if every love

835
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:04,840
Speaker 1: is going to have a sexual connection, but like, this

836
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 1: is where I'm at, and so I be I'm like

837
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,760
Speaker 1: very transparent upfront, like this, this is all that comes

838
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 1: with me. I'm not putting stuff off the table and

839
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:15,239
Speaker 1: pretend to be one way. You get all this, and

840
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 1: so if that's not something that connects with you, then

841
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 1: this may not be the connection for you. So I

842
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,560
Speaker 1: think it's also really important, like you said, to be

843
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 1: upfront and honest, communicate your needs. Don't try to put

844
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,920
Speaker 1: on the front and try to pretend to be one way,

845
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,359
Speaker 1: because the shit gonna come out in the long run,

846
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:31,239
Speaker 1: and you'll find yourself in a situation where you are

847
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 1: miss aligned and you don't want that.

848
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:36,839
Speaker 2: Yes, I love that, and I think that that is

849
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 2: that piece right there is what often leads to unhealthy dynamics. Yeah,

850
00:47:44,719 --> 00:47:51,400
Speaker 2: is some one person in the relationship not being clear

851
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:56,640
Speaker 2: about what it is that they want and or not

852
00:47:56,840 --> 00:48:03,160
Speaker 2: communicating exactly what it is that they want. Lady, if

853
00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:08,719
Speaker 2: you know, whatever it is, whatever that thing is. For example,

854
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:12,920
Speaker 2: let's say that something that is really important to you

855
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:18,280
Speaker 2: in your relationship is that you wake up at four

856
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:22,359
Speaker 2: am every morning to get your day gone. That ain't

857
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 2: my life. I'm just saying for somebody. If that is

858
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 2: your thing, and you want a partner who gets up

859
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,360
Speaker 2: at four am with you, you all pray, meditate, whatever

860
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:37,280
Speaker 2: it is that you do at four am in the morning.

861
00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 2: Not everybody is going to be able to fit that.

862
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 2: But if you hide that piece of you and you're

863
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,719
Speaker 2: dating someone who doesn't go to bed until two am,

864
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:56,200
Speaker 2: you that's a misalignment. And eventually you are going to

865
00:48:56,400 --> 00:49:00,399
Speaker 2: want that four am wake up and they aren't gonna

866
00:49:00,440 --> 00:49:03,000
Speaker 2: be able to meet that. And you can't hold that

867
00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:08,360
Speaker 2: against them if you didn't communicate that from the beginning.

868
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:11,840
Speaker 1: Or you changed up right. He was bring one thing,

869
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:13,240
Speaker 1: coul You was like, oh, I'm going to be chosen.

870
00:49:13,320 --> 00:49:14,839
Speaker 1: He's so fine, and then you're like.

871
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:18,960
Speaker 2: Surprise, that's not a good look. That's not dating like

872
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,200
Speaker 2: a boss. Be you up front.

873
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 1: Yes, all of you is more than enough, and all

874
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:27,880
Speaker 1: of you it's not too much. You are not too

875
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:31,759
Speaker 1: much with all that you have to bring, okay.

876
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:34,280
Speaker 2: And so that takes us to our final perspective shift,

877
00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:38,279
Speaker 2: and I think that this one is probably one of

878
00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:44,680
Speaker 2: the hardest ones for folks to sit with. Learn to

879
00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:50,719
Speaker 2: be unattached to the outcome. I'm gonna say that one

880
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:58,759
Speaker 2: more time. Learn to be unattached to the outcome. Let

881
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 2: me distinguish, because I already know somebody's gonna come in

882
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 2: the chat for us. Let me distinguish. I am very

883
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:14,320
Speaker 2: clear that feelings are important. I am here for the feelings.

884
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:22,400
Speaker 2: Having your feelings is very different than being attached to

885
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:28,560
Speaker 2: an outcome. Being attached to an outcome looks like I

886
00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 2: started dating this guy. Everybody knew that I was dating

887
00:50:35,239 --> 00:50:40,600
Speaker 2: this guy. Everybody said, oh, couple goals, y'all are cute,

888
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 2: this is, oh, oh, all the things. Right now, I'm

889
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:56,120
Speaker 2: invested in everyone continuing to shower us with praise and

890
00:50:56,320 --> 00:51:01,360
Speaker 2: us continuing to look like relationship and couple goals. Fast

891
00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:04,680
Speaker 2: forward six months. The relationship is not what it turned

892
00:51:04,719 --> 00:51:06,759
Speaker 2: out to be what I thought it was going to be.

893
00:51:07,880 --> 00:51:11,719
Speaker 2: If I'm attached to the outcome, then I'm staying in

894
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:19,960
Speaker 2: that relationship because everybody needs to see that we are together. Meanwhile,

895
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:24,959
Speaker 2: inside our house, we are miserable. We don't speak, don't

896
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 2: sleep in the same bed. But the second we step

897
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:30,640
Speaker 2: out that door and what you see on social media,

898
00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:37,400
Speaker 2: we'd that fly ass couple. Now if I was unattached

899
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 2: to the outcome. The moment I realized that this relationship

900
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:47,600
Speaker 2: is no longer serving me, I ended. I let myself

901
00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:53,160
Speaker 2: feel all the fields, and I move forward. I let

902
00:51:53,160 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 2: myself feel all the fields without staying in a relationship

903
00:51:58,239 --> 00:52:02,280
Speaker 2: that is no longer serving me. And I get how

904
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:05,960
Speaker 2: hard it is to end the relationship. And I say,

905
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:08,880
Speaker 2: I get it because I've been there. But I also

906
00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:16,279
Speaker 2: know that you are doing yourself a better service when

907
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:21,839
Speaker 2: you are unattached to whether or not the relationship ends

908
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:25,799
Speaker 2: up being your forever, because every relationship can't be.

909
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:31,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, girl, when it comes to let me just say,

910
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 1: when it comes to being unattached to outcomes, the space

911
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:36,879
Speaker 1: I'm in now is again so much healthier. I feel

912
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:41,440
Speaker 1: so much freer. I feel so I just feel like

913
00:52:41,520 --> 00:52:44,240
Speaker 1: free is the best word to describe it, honestly, feeling

914
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:47,719
Speaker 1: so free, not being married to an outcome and having

915
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:50,799
Speaker 1: no desire to be chosen by no my fucking body,

916
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:53,160
Speaker 1: because I choose myself and that's enough for us to

917
00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:55,480
Speaker 1: choose us. And you know what's funny do I find

918
00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:58,080
Speaker 1: that when we are so into our own world and

919
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:00,960
Speaker 1: into our work and into ourself, that's when people are

920
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:03,200
Speaker 1: most attracted to it anyway, because you're not thirsty, you're

921
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:06,600
Speaker 1: not super clingy, You're not you know. I had anxious attack, y'all.

922
00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:09,440
Speaker 1: I was out here. Look listen, dom It happens to

923
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:10,880
Speaker 1: the best of us. Okay. I was out here, and

924
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,000
Speaker 1: I'm saying this in love, but I was out here

925
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:17,799
Speaker 1: looking goofy I was listen anxious attachment. I mean the

926
00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:21,359
Speaker 1: guy there's one. It was a a y n. That's

927
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:23,440
Speaker 1: all I'm gonna say. If you know, you know one

928
00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:25,960
Speaker 1: of these y ns out here had me. It was

929
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:27,759
Speaker 1: it was bad, okay, but I had to go through

930
00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:29,640
Speaker 1: that to get to this point. So I'm grateful for it. Yes,

931
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:32,920
Speaker 1: I'm grateful for all that. But you know, I'm having

932
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:35,959
Speaker 1: anxious attachment. He texts. I'm texting right back like damn girl,

933
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:38,520
Speaker 1: Like I was just so. I was just in my

934
00:53:38,719 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 1: Another thing is like monitoring your mind, because if you're

935
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:42,759
Speaker 1: in your mind, you're just keeping like, oh my god,

936
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,239
Speaker 1: he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend, or she's

937
00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 1: gonna ask me to dater or like, just focus on

938
00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:50,759
Speaker 1: yourself and you can set the intention right, Like, if

939
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:52,640
Speaker 1: you want something, you can put the intention out there.

940
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:54,919
Speaker 1: But what's for you is for you, and it will

941
00:53:54,920 --> 00:53:57,000
Speaker 1: come to you. And I think when we're so desperate,

942
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:58,680
Speaker 1: when we try to hold onto something and try to

943
00:53:58,719 --> 00:54:01,279
Speaker 1: force it, then you start forces shit, it's not for you,

944
00:54:01,360 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 1: this shouldn't have been, and you end up like people

945
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:06,359
Speaker 1: that we know right who like, damn, I hadn't been

946
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 1: in this marriage for this long and had all these

947
00:54:08,719 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 1: kids and we didn't got this house, and I actually

948
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 1: don't think this person like I don't think this is

949
00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:15,399
Speaker 1: where I'm supposed to be, you know what I mean?

950
00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:17,799
Speaker 1: And so I think it's important to listen to ourselves

951
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:21,680
Speaker 1: to detach from some something needed to work out right,

952
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:24,760
Speaker 1: if it doesn't work, if it if it's not fitting,

953
00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:27,359
Speaker 1: it probably ain't meant to fit. And when we're too

954
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:30,480
Speaker 1: invested in a specific outcome, right like making someone our

955
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:34,120
Speaker 1: partner or getting chosen air quotes by someone else, we

956
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,759
Speaker 1: tend to ignore signs and red flags and we force

957
00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:40,279
Speaker 1: connections right, So instead don what do you say? Trust

958
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:44,160
Speaker 1: the process, Trust the process, enjoy the process. Let things

959
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:47,200
Speaker 1: unfold naturally. That's often how some of the best relationships

960
00:54:47,239 --> 00:54:50,719
Speaker 1: come about when you're like, what's nice? This just kind

961
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:51,319
Speaker 1: of came upout.

962
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:52,400
Speaker 2: You didn't see it coming.

963
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:54,840
Speaker 1: You was focused on you and you you were you

964
00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 1: were unattached. And so when you are unattached to the result,

965
00:54:58,560 --> 00:55:00,960
Speaker 1: you tend to date with confidence, clarity, and you're not

966
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:04,239
Speaker 1: holding onto things that may not be for you. So

967
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,880
Speaker 1: I think down that when it comes to dating like

968
00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:09,120
Speaker 1: the boss, you start with this mindset and you can

969
00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:11,799
Speaker 1: be in control. You tend to not settle, and I

970
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,000
Speaker 1: think that again, the best relationships come from a place

971
00:55:14,040 --> 00:55:18,200
Speaker 1: of confidence and not desperation. So shall we do a.

972
00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:21,480
Speaker 2: Lor wen you? Yes? You?

973
00:55:21,520 --> 00:55:23,160
Speaker 1: Before we dive into the after show, we'll get into

974
00:55:23,160 --> 00:55:24,120
Speaker 1: some juicy stories.

975
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:25,320
Speaker 2: I want this juicy story.

976
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:27,120
Speaker 1: Yes, all right, you want to do the recap?

977
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:31,319
Speaker 2: Yes, So dating like a boss. The five perspectives that

978
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:37,560
Speaker 2: will help you stay in control and never settle. One

979
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:44,279
Speaker 2: always put yourself first. Two, make people prove why they

980
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:50,359
Speaker 2: deserve your time and energy. Three take notes and end

981
00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:55,720
Speaker 2: things swiftly when someone shows you who they are. Four

982
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 2: ask yourself what's in it for you? What do you want?

983
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:08,960
Speaker 2: And five learn to be unattached to the outcome.

984
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:12,359
Speaker 1: And let the church say Amen. Okay, y'all real quick,

985
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:14,880
Speaker 1: So Dom and I are going to go record the

986
00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:17,440
Speaker 1: after show. We have a journal prompt and some questions

987
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:18,839
Speaker 1: that we want to share with you in the after

988
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:21,880
Speaker 1: show is along with some juicy dating stories. But lady,

989
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:25,839
Speaker 1: we just released a special subscription on Apple Podcasts where

990
00:56:25,880 --> 00:56:28,279
Speaker 1: you can listen to our episode's ad free and you

991
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:32,000
Speaker 1: get exclusive episodes. So, lady, go check out Apple Podcasts.

992
00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:35,200
Speaker 1: You can try this subscription for free for fourteen days.

993
00:56:35,320 --> 00:56:37,480
Speaker 1: But lady, we have not had anyone subscribe. And if

994
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:39,960
Speaker 1: you've listened to this this far an episode, you must

995
00:56:40,040 --> 00:56:42,800
Speaker 1: like the episode. You must like the podcast. So please

996
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:46,200
Speaker 1: consider supporting this black owned, black founded, and black funded

997
00:56:46,239 --> 00:56:49,680
Speaker 1: podcast because we are working hard to release episodes every

998
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,759
Speaker 1: single Friday for you because we love you. We are

999
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,080
Speaker 1: part of the community. Were your friends in your head? Okay,

1000
00:56:55,080 --> 00:56:57,200
Speaker 1: So go support us, lady, and we'll catch you on

1001
00:56:57,239 --> 00:56:57,879
Speaker 1: the after show.

1002
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:03,680
Speaker 3: Hey, lady's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

1003
00:57:04,160 --> 00:57:07,120
Speaker 3: Are you currently a resident of the state of California

1004
00:57:07,840 --> 00:57:12,880
Speaker 3: and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please

1005
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 3: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

1006
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:22,120
Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q

1007
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 3: U E b R O U ss ar D dot

1008
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:31,840
Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

1009
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:36,880
Speaker 2: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning

1010
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:41,280
Speaker 2: into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is

1011
00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:46,120
Speaker 2: all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute

1012
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:50,320
Speaker 2: for therapy. If you are someone you know needs support,

1013
00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:54,960
Speaker 2: check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today.

1014
00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:58,840
Speaker 2: If you love today's episode, do us a favor and

1015
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:02,120
Speaker 2: share it with a friend who need some inspiration, or

1016
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 2: leave us a quick five star review. Your support needs

1017
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:09,240
Speaker 2: the world to us and helps keep this space striving.

1018
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:14,000
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am

1019
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:18,960
Speaker 1: the architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose

1020
00:58:19,640 --> 00:58:24,040
Speaker 1: and passion. Cheap thriving Lady, and tune in next Friday

1021
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:28,520
Speaker 1: for more inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime,

1022
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,800
Speaker 1: be sure to connect with us on Instagram at her

1023
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:32,800
Speaker 1: Space Podcast