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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and I

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Speaker 1: am your host. If you are new to the show, welcome,

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Speaker 1: So glad you're here. Like always, I want to remind

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Speaker 1: you guys that You Need Therapy is a podcast that

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Speaker 1: I host. Yes, I'm a licensed therapist, but on this podcast,

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Speaker 1: I am more just a human who's wanting to bring

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Speaker 1: you some conversations that might help impact how you go

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Speaker 1: out and live your life to the very fullest potential

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Speaker 1: that you can. This is not therapy. It's on the

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Speaker 1: substitute for therapy, but you know it might encourage you

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Speaker 1: to go get some therapy. So today I'm super pumped

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Speaker 1: because we have a really awesome guest here to talk

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Speaker 1: and teach us some things about nothing other than boundaries,

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Speaker 1: which that is something that I get questions about all

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Speaker 1: the time. You guys have been begging for an episode

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Speaker 1: on boundaries specifically for a while, and I have been

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Speaker 1: hiding this one in my back pocket. So I want

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Speaker 1: to introduce you to the guest I have. Her name

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Speaker 1: is Terry Cole, and she is a licensed psychotherapist and

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Speaker 1: she's a global leading relationship expert and author of the

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Speaker 1: book Boundary Boss, The Essential Guide to Talk, True, Be Seen,

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Speaker 1: and finally Live Free. I can't wait to get my

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Speaker 1: hands on one of these books because after my conversation

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Speaker 1: with her, I mean, I want to read everything she writes.

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Speaker 1: She's amazing, she's gentle, she's smart, she's strong, and uh,

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Speaker 1: she is just a good human who's out to help people,

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Speaker 1: and those are the kind of people I want. On

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Speaker 1: the show, Terry says her mission is to help women

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Speaker 1: stop living out of learned boundary behaviors that don't serve them.

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Speaker 1: And you know, I don't think this has to be

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Speaker 1: just women. I think this gets to be men and

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Speaker 1: women and all the kinds of people that are in

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Speaker 1: the world. So today you're going to hear a lot.

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Speaker 1: We talked, We kind of bounced all over the place.

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Speaker 1: But what I want this to be is a starting

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Speaker 1: off point for you guys. If you're connecting with some

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Speaker 1: of the stuff, then maybe you get her book, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you talk about it in your own therapy process,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you just start thinking about how boundaries have

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Speaker 1: served or not served you. But Terry is awesome, and

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Speaker 1: I could have talked to her for about twenty years,

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Speaker 1: but you know, we had one hour, So I hope

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Speaker 1: you enjoyed this conversation and I hope you learned something.

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Speaker 1: I hope it touches you in some way, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the day you need

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Speaker 1: to have. Here is my conversation with Terry Cole. I'm

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Speaker 1: so excited this morning to uh be having this conversation

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Speaker 1: with my guest, Terry Cole. Hello, well I can't thanks

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Speaker 1: for having me. Yeah, so we're definitely gonna talk about

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff, including boundaries. But I was just

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Speaker 1: doing a little bit of research on you, and I

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Speaker 1: discovered something that I want to kind of start with.

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Speaker 1: And it seems like being a therapist because you're a

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Speaker 1: psychotherapist and you're an expert in boundaries and you do

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Speaker 1: a lot with relationships. But I found that this was

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Speaker 1: your second career. Okay. I would love to hear you

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Speaker 1: talk because this is something that I hear in my

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Speaker 1: office all the time. Therefore, I know it's a huge

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Speaker 1: thing in the world of people feeling like they're stuck

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Speaker 1: in a career but it's too late to switch, which

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Speaker 1: is going to round out about boundaries anyway, But I

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Speaker 1: want to hear you talk about what that was like

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Speaker 1: for you, in that process of knowing there's something more.

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Speaker 1: I think that, especially if you become successful, it's really hard.

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Speaker 1: For me. I was sort of, you know, according to

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Speaker 1: my father at the time, I was like at the

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Speaker 1: top of my entertainment game. He's like, wait, what are

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Speaker 1: you doing? Why would you do that? And I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: there's no good time. But for me, it was a

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Speaker 1: process of my own therapeutic journey, my own life journey.

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Speaker 1: I stopped drinking when I was, you know, young. I

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Speaker 1: started therapy at nineteen, stopped drinking at twenty one. So

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Speaker 1: I was like, I, it's very wide open. I had

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Speaker 1: a very busy social life prior to that UM from

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Speaker 1: twelve to twenty one. Trust me, I got it all in.

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Speaker 1: But then I started the therapeutic process, my own process,

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Speaker 1: and I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe

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Speaker 1: it was like a secret. I was like, how come

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Speaker 1: nobody told me that. It's not like we're stuck with

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Speaker 1: the hand that we're dealt with. We can change anything.

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Speaker 1: That literally we're all just making this up as we go.

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Speaker 1: That was such a profound realization at such a young age.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, it doesn't matter what

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Speaker 1: came before me, it doesn't matter my family of origin.

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Speaker 1: Like I can actually carve out my own way in

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Speaker 1: this world and nothing is written in stone. And that

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Speaker 1: was incredibly liberating. But of course I needed to figure

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Speaker 1: out in what way was I getting in my own

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Speaker 1: way for these things. So I went through the therapeutic process,

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Speaker 1: got into entertainment, loved it, and hid entertainment the way

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Speaker 1: I did everything, which is just like I'll just work longer,

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Speaker 1: hard more than other people, and I will find my way.

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Speaker 1: So my ambition was something that I always could count

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Speaker 1: on because I knew how to work hard and I

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Speaker 1: wasn't afraid to. And yet what I didn't know is

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Speaker 1: that my ambition wasn't really driven by my passion or

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Speaker 1: necessarily or I just want to get to the top. Really,

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Speaker 1: through the therapeutic process, I realized I thought I was

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Speaker 1: running towards something, you know what I mean, Cat, I

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to my goal. What I realized

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Speaker 1: in therapy is I was actually running away from something,

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Speaker 1: and that really a lot of my ambition was fear

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Speaker 1: and proving myself. I had a dad who had a

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Speaker 1: bunch of daughters and probably should have had a son.

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Speaker 1: I was his fourth daughter, so I was really proving

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Speaker 1: some gender thing, like I'm going to be more successful

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Speaker 1: than any boy you could have had. And it got

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Speaker 1: to the point within my career where I kept thinking, well,

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Speaker 1: the next job, the next money, the more celebrity clients,

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Speaker 1: the more travel private, the more things that that was

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Speaker 1: going to really provide the feeling I was seeking. And

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Speaker 1: then I got you know, you get to the top

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Speaker 1: of the mountain, so to speak. Listen. I wasn't like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I wasn't running the world, but you know

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Speaker 1: I was doing well, especially at my age. I was

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Speaker 1: running the New York office of a bi coastal talent agency,

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Speaker 1: negotiating contracts or supermodels and celebrities. So you know, you

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Speaker 1: definitely looked like a shiny job to others, for sure.

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Speaker 1: But when I got there and the feeling I was

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Speaker 1: hoping would be there, then I really had to be like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you don't want to do this, but what do you

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Speaker 1: want to do? And really I had to just be

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Speaker 1: honest and say, all I care about is the mental

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Speaker 1: health of my clients. All I'm doing is getting people

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Speaker 1: into therapy. Women into eating disorder clinics, drug treatment clinics.

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Speaker 1: This is literally all I care about. So I need

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Speaker 1: to leave this job. Before I started super sucking at

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Speaker 1: this job and before I I behave like lower than

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Speaker 1: my own professional integrity, and it was scary, and I

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Speaker 1: probably knew I needed to leave. I would say at

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Speaker 1: least two and a half years or maybe three before

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Speaker 1: I did. So anyone who was thinking about leaving, like,

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Speaker 1: trust me, I'm not saying, hey, think about it. It's easy,

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Speaker 1: but you can definitely do it, because here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: Every moment that we waste being like, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: you know the things I considered, right, can I be

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Speaker 1: poor again? The answer was yep. Money was not the thing.

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Speaker 1: I always want money for freedom. I wass want money

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Speaker 1: to do good works. But I never was like a

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Speaker 1: person who like I never was like, oh maybe I

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Speaker 1: want to buy a hummer or something like. And I'm

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Speaker 1: not judging anyone was an hummer. I'm just saying that

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Speaker 1: wasn't for me, right. It wasn't those things. Money was

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Speaker 1: freedom to continue my education, to travel, to have life experiences.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, okay, I'm not necessarily because

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Speaker 1: you know, you would have thought, after all those years

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Speaker 1: of doing that that it would have had a lot

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Speaker 1: of money in the bank, but I literally had done

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Speaker 1: so I just spent it all traveling and doing what

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Speaker 1: I wanted to. I'm way better now with money, but

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Speaker 1: I just didn't care then. So I was like, wow,

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Speaker 1: I think I have nine dollars in the bank, So

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna quit my job. I'm not quitting therapy. I'm

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Speaker 1: not quitting my gym. So I figured out how to

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Speaker 1: make enough money to pay my rent because it was

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Speaker 1: rent stabilized with nine bucks at the time. That unbelievable.

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Speaker 1: I was on West Street because obviously now that studio

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Speaker 1: apartment with the beautiful skylights is probably three grand a

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Speaker 1: month first, right, can you imagine? It was months? Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I figured I had to make enough money for my therapy,

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Speaker 1: my gym, and my rent. I didn't leave like I

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Speaker 1: was going to leave. I tried to leave and they

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Speaker 1: were like no. So I actually stayed on running the

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Speaker 1: agency remotely for the entire time that I was in

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Speaker 1: grad school at m y U, which was an accelerated program.

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Speaker 1: It was crazy. I have no idea how I did

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Speaker 1: any of that now I think about it, I'm like, what,

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Speaker 1: how did that happen? But it was amazing, and I

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Speaker 1: was in this learning curve of I was so lit up.

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Speaker 1: I was so energized by what I was learning. I

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Speaker 1: knew it. I took one course. I took two courses

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Speaker 1: non matriculating before I like committed to the full thing.

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Speaker 1: I took um it was too psychology courses, Oh, abnormal

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Speaker 1: psych one and two. I was like, dude, I want

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Speaker 1: to do this where And I was for the first

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Speaker 1: time in so long, I was so excited. I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I can do something amazing in the world.

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Speaker 1: There's got to be something more valuable. I can be

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Speaker 1: doing the making supermodels rich or even though I love

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Speaker 1: them and they're lovely, but they really didn't need me

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Speaker 1: to be doing that. And it felt like this ship

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Speaker 1: cannot be my drama. It's something else has to be.

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Speaker 1: So anyway, that's why I left. That's how I left.

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Speaker 1: Does that help? Yeah? No, that's amazing. And you know

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Speaker 1: when I heard you talking, and even as you're getting

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Speaker 1: to the part of the story where you went to school,

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Speaker 1: it's like you can tell I felt something different, Like

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Speaker 1: I never was somebody who loved going to school every

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Speaker 1: day in college. But then when you turn that corner

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Speaker 1: and you're starting to go to learn about things that

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Speaker 1: you actually care about, it's like something's lit up. And

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Speaker 1: the cool thing is, I'm lit up by learning about

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Speaker 1: the mind and the body and psychology and the brain

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Speaker 1: and all that, and so are you. And then some

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Speaker 1: people are lit up by learning about science and and

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Speaker 1: what anatomy and all of that, and some people are

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Speaker 1: lit up by marketing business strategies, and none of them

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Speaker 1: are better than the other. But it's important to be

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Speaker 1: able to pay attention to this lights me up, that's

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Speaker 1: something signaling this is where my feet need to be

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Speaker 1: right now. Absolutely, And you know part of if people

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Speaker 1: are listening or watching or whatever, where they're like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm not lit up by what I'm doing, but I

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Speaker 1: don't know what I am lit up by. I always say,

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Speaker 1: what magazines do you read? What television shows do you watch?

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Speaker 1: What would you do for free? What are you doing

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Speaker 1: when time is like that transcendent experience where you're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, three hours just went by. What that

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Speaker 1: would lead you? You know? That's I mean. I actually

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Speaker 1: worked in the garment center before I became I was

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Speaker 1: an entertainment and that's how I did it. I looked

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Speaker 1: at every single day I got on the friging bus.

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Speaker 1: I had that woman's very daily that I never cracked

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Speaker 1: open at one time did I read that daily paper

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Speaker 1: because I didn't freaking care. That's it. I didn't care.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, but then, what do

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Speaker 1: you care about? What do you read? I was like People, Magazine, Vanity, Fair, Variety,

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Speaker 1: even the trades. I was reading long before I was

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Speaker 1: in enter payment because I was so interested in people's stories.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't know how anyone gets

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Speaker 1: a job in this business, but that's what I want

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Speaker 1: to do. And then someone I knew, my boyfriend at

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Speaker 1: the time, was like, oh my god, remember Jim, she's

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Speaker 1: working at this. I think you'd be a good talent agent.

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Speaker 1: I was like, is that a freaking job somebody can do?

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Speaker 1: Because sign me up if it is. And that is

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Speaker 1: really how I got out of the garment center to

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Speaker 1: do that. But it also requires a certain amount of

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Speaker 1: taking a risk and being really mindful that you don't

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Speaker 1: end up in some kind of financial handcuffs that you're

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Speaker 1: not living so close to, like you're not maxed out

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Speaker 1: financially and that I find with a lot of my

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Speaker 1: clients over there twenty years a minute therapist is something

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Speaker 1: that if you're living too above your means or too

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Speaker 1: close to it, you really don't have freedom unless you're

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Speaker 1: me and you just quit anyway. But I mean my

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Speaker 1: feeling is I wouldn't suggest that to anyone, you know,

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Speaker 1: so you've got to be mindful of like do you

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Speaker 1: have money in the bank, so that if you did

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Speaker 1: want to quit. Because I knew becoming a psychotherapist, I

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Speaker 1: wasn't just going to be like, Hi, here's my plaque

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Speaker 1: and now I'm making two hundred grand a year like

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Speaker 1: and then that wasn't what happened. You have to build

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Speaker 1: your practice. But I knew I could do other things.

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, I'll teach. My friend was like,

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Speaker 1: have you ever taught before? I'm like, no, no, but

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Speaker 1: I'm going to teach acting because I don't want to.

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Speaker 1: Every agent teaches once they're not an agent anymore. So

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Speaker 1: that's what I did at m U. I think also

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Speaker 1: the ability for you to stay in your job and

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Speaker 1: go to school, I think that is something too for

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Speaker 1: people to think about, is how do I work on

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Speaker 1: this thing? That lights me up, while I still have

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Speaker 1: stability to be able to work on this thing that

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Speaker 1: lights me up. So I think that's one avenue. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the like fairy tale dream in

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Speaker 1: the movie where the person just quits their job and

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Speaker 1: the next day lands into a perfect situation. Doesn't look

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Speaker 1: that way, I can't. I totally agree. But I also

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Speaker 1: think a really powerful reframe is looking at your day

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Speaker 1: job now if it's not what you wanted to be,

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Speaker 1: and see it as like the best survival job. Going

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Speaker 1: start banking money, like start really being like I'm going

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Speaker 1: to build a net so that I can figure out

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Speaker 1: what it is I want to do, and and taking

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Speaker 1: those steps. Instead of looking at your job like I'm trapped,

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Speaker 1: look at it like just a money factory, just just money.

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Speaker 1: Put it in the bank, give yourself some liberation, and

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Speaker 1: then look at where how do I need to live?

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Speaker 1: What is essential in my living situation? And listen, it's

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Speaker 1: a little bit more difficult, of course, more very much

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Speaker 1: more difficult if people are married and kids, if you're

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Speaker 1: the sole provider. I get all of those things, and

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Speaker 1: yet there's still away because in the end of the end,

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Speaker 1: on your deathbed, no one is going to be like, wow,

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Speaker 1: I super wish I spent more hours at a job

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Speaker 1: that are freaking hated, Like nobody is saying that. So yes,

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Speaker 1: maybe it's hard, yes, maybe loans, yes, maybe whatever, but

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Speaker 1: you can figure it out, you really can well. And

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Speaker 1: that speaks to internal boundaries and being able to like

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Speaker 1: have a goal. And then when I say I'm going

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Speaker 1: to do something, do it. Because something that I know

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Speaker 1: you talk about in your work and it in your

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Speaker 1: book is and you mentioned it earlier is choices, having

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Speaker 1: a choice. And so many times it feels like I

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Speaker 1: hear and I've I've been here in certain parts of

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Speaker 1: my life before. I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't.

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Speaker 1: But really, what they're saying is I won't. I won't

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Speaker 1: make that deal with myself. I won't set that boundary

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Speaker 1: with myself. It might be too hard in my head.

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Speaker 1: But there's all these roadblocks, but they don't have to

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Speaker 1: be roadblocks. So how do you suggest and how do

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Speaker 1: you work with people around that who just in their head,

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Speaker 1: they've made up their minds at whatever it is that

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Speaker 1: is stuck in my life, I'm stuck here. How do

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Speaker 1: you help them switch that well, part of it is

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Speaker 1: if we're stuck, there's a reason so and psychological. So

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Speaker 1: I have this little tool that will give you, guys,

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Speaker 1: right now that you can use and it's just asking

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Speaker 1: yourself this this really simple question, which is what do

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Speaker 1: I get to not face, not feel, or not experience

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Speaker 1: by staying stuck here? So it's a secondary gain question, right,

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Speaker 1: because we are humans are very adaptive, and if there

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Speaker 1: wasn't something in it, unless there are psychological issues, unless

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Speaker 1: there's a physical you know, listen, if there are other challenges. Right.

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Speaker 1: This might sound simplified, but I've been using it with

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Speaker 1: clients for two and a half decades and I'm telling

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Speaker 1: you it is so revealing. What do I get to

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Speaker 1: not face, not feel, or not experienced by staying stuck here?

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Speaker 1: So quick example is I had a client who couldn't

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Speaker 1: stop drinking. That meaning she wasn't traditional alcoholic, she was

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Speaker 1: drinking a lot. This is during the pandemic, and she's

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Speaker 1: she would say to me, come in, you know, we

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Speaker 1: would do our session and she would say I'm going

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Speaker 1: to stop drinking during the week, and I'm like, great,

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Speaker 1: I'll support you in that, and then she would fail.

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Speaker 1: So she would not drink Monday, and then Tuesday she

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Speaker 1: would have three big girl glasses of wine at night.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, all right, so there's more to this

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Speaker 1: than this, because it's not you know when people we

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Speaker 1: love to be mean to ourselves and be like, if

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Speaker 1: I just had more will power, it'll be great, if

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Speaker 1: I just wasn't so easy. I'm like, it's not those things,

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Speaker 1: trust me. So this happened two weeks in a row,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, listen, let's stop setting you up

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Speaker 1: to fail. What do you get to not face, not feel,

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Speaker 1: and not experience by doing what you're doing right by drinking?

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Speaker 1: You know? And she said I get to not face

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Speaker 1: the state of my marriage. But she able to answer

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Speaker 1: that immediately. No, in one session though. So in the

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Speaker 1: beginning she was like, I don't know. I think I'm

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Speaker 1: just I just need a break. I think I'm just stressed.

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Speaker 1: I think you know. And then I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: but let's just we're gonna keep doing it, almost like

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Speaker 1: a Meisner technique. I'm gonna keep asking and you're going

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Speaker 1: to close your eyes allow your mind to find the answer.

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Speaker 1: Because I knew there was an answer. I actually was

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Speaker 1: a little bit surprised because she hadn't talked that much

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Speaker 1: and she so she was in denial of how bad

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Speaker 1: things had gotten in her marriage, you know, so she

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Speaker 1: wasn't even really bringing it. This was the drinking was

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Speaker 1: representation because it was safer. It was less threatening to

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Speaker 1: be like what's wrong with me? Against ter and then

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Speaker 1: being like, oh my god, I've got to own all

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Speaker 1: this scrap with this guy, like I holy, so many

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Speaker 1: things to do with But of course, once we got

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Speaker 1: to that, then we could figure out the actual problem

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Speaker 1: and get to what the solution needed to be. For

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Speaker 1: first of all, I freaking love the questions you ask,

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Speaker 1: because again this happens with all of us. We all

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Speaker 1: have things that we do or we have all have

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Speaker 1: things that we say, and a lot of times what

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Speaker 1: I will say, which I'm going to use this in

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Speaker 1: sessions all the time now, because what I will say

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Speaker 1: is I say, what are you getting out of what

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Speaker 1: you're doing? Because do not tell me that you get

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Speaker 1: nothing out of drinking every day, because you wouldn't keep

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Speaker 1: doing it if you didn't, like you can't, that would

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Speaker 1: be a lie. There has to be a reason you're

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Speaker 1: doing it. And you hear, no, I'm just worthless, or

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Speaker 1: like it's just the things that you said, it's just

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Speaker 1: my willpower. I get nothing. I get nothing. This sucks

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, that's not true. But those questions, I mean,

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Speaker 1: even in the way and the cadence to say them

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Speaker 1: allow ow you to drop it into okay and even

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Speaker 1: closing my eyes. If I had to answer this question

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Speaker 1: a lot of times else when people are like I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I'll go, well, if you did know, it's

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Speaker 1: so funny. It would literally interesting. It was just going

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Speaker 1: to say the exact same thing, because a lot of

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Speaker 1: times we think we don't know, and yet you do.

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Speaker 1: So if you do know, what would it be if

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Speaker 1: you had to guess? Sometimes Like there's all different interventions

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Speaker 1: as you know, of getting people to access stuff that

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Speaker 1: feels threatening in a safe way of course, but I

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Speaker 1: think that that you will find with your clients it

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Speaker 1: is so effective because secondary gain. If we think about

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Speaker 1: what is the concept of secondary gain, it is the

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Speaker 1: un obvious game for staying in situations that are unwanted,

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Speaker 1: whether they're within ourselves that have to do with internal boundaries,

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Speaker 1: whether they're with other people. Right, So there are more

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Speaker 1: emotional boundaries or physical boundaries. You know, Yeah, well I

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Speaker 1: think that humans and that's where you invite a compassion

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Speaker 1: into these things is as humans, we don't do things

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Speaker 1: for no reason, like we're all trying to survive and

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Speaker 1: whatever that looks like, and so there has to be something.

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Speaker 1: The problem is then that you get to is if

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Speaker 1: now I realize, why do this to avoid my marriage

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Speaker 1: will shoot? Now we have to actually if you want

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Speaker 1: to feel better, if you want to live a fuller life,

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Speaker 1: then we have to actually look at what the actual

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Speaker 1: issue is. That's probably going to take a lot more

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Speaker 1: effort and pain and digging in than just stopping drinking.

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Speaker 1: It's true. But what I always say, because I don't

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Speaker 1: want when people discover things, especially codependence, especially Type A,

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Speaker 1: especially over functioners, they feel like, holy crap, now I

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Speaker 1: know this, I have to do something. I always say, listen,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to do or change anything, because I

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Speaker 1: know that they will get to their own readiness. But

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Speaker 1: if they think that the moment they have this realization,

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Speaker 1: they must take action that they are super not ready

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Speaker 1: to take. I'm always like, hey, we're just gathering information.

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Speaker 1: And I also say to my clients, you can choose

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Speaker 1: to have these like you can have these realizations and

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Speaker 1: you are always in charge because it's your life. I'm

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Speaker 1: not projecting onto them what I want for them, right.

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Speaker 1: I had a client once who was like in in

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Speaker 1: pretty much of a loveless relationship with the guy who

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Speaker 1: was a dentist. This is like the weirdest story, but

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Speaker 1: it's true. And she would complain about him or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, you don't have to marry they

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Speaker 1: were engaged. It was like, you don't have to get married. Like, clearly,

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Speaker 1: I'm not telling you something new, but you don't have to.

415
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Speaker 1: And she was like, you know what, Terry, part of

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Speaker 1: my dream was. I always wanted to marry a doctor

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Speaker 1: or a dentist, so I'm definitely getting married. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, cool, Then, I think we have to get

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Speaker 1: clear about what you're signing on for. So this level

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Speaker 1: of satisfaction that you feel today because you're getting married

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Speaker 1: in two months, if the level of satisfaction you feel

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Speaker 1: today will sustain you for the rest of your life,

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Speaker 1: what if it never got one I owed a more

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Speaker 1: you never felt want I owed a happier or more

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Speaker 1: interested in this person. That's what you're signing on for.

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Speaker 1: So as long as your eyes are wide open, Like,

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Speaker 1: who am I to judge? If you were my daughter,

428
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,800
Speaker 1: my friend, my sister, of course I wouldn't want that

429
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 1: for her. But again, that would be me judging that

430
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,359
Speaker 1: that was wrong. She grew up very poor. She really

431
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,000
Speaker 1: loved the security of being with someone with money. Like,

432
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,239
Speaker 1: it's not for me to judge right, and it's not

433
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,760
Speaker 1: for me to decide as the therapist what's right for you.

434
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,359
Speaker 1: Unless someone's like shooting heroin or wanting to stay in

435
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:30,680
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship, then I'm got to be like the dude,

436
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 1: I'm out, Like, I will help you as much as

437
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,919
Speaker 1: I can, but I can't hang around. You know what

438
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:40,160
Speaker 1: she end up doing getting married. That speaks to the

439
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,879
Speaker 1: idea that as a therapist, and I think this is

440
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,919
Speaker 1: a common misconception with people that aren't in the field.

441
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,960
Speaker 1: When you go to see a therapist and you go

442
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,000
Speaker 1: to work on whatever you're working on, you're going to

443
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 1: work on whatever you're going to work on. Our lives

444
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,399
Speaker 1: remain the same. And I might have certain morals and

445
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,919
Speaker 1: values and goals of for my life that I think

446
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,600
Speaker 1: would bring me happiness. I also realize that that's not

447
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 1: where everybody else lands. And so, like you said, if

448
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 1: she was your sister or your this or your that,

449
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,720
Speaker 1: you might interact different in those conversations and you might

450
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,720
Speaker 1: be more vocal. Yeah, but she's not. And we as

451
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,120
Speaker 1: as helpers are helping people reach what they want. If

452
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,560
Speaker 1: that's what she wants, that is what she wants, and

453
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,719
Speaker 1: that's allowed to be okay. And I say that just

454
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,840
Speaker 1: for anybody listening that just because you go to a therapist,

455
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you're going to have to live what

456
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,400
Speaker 1: they consider a level of health. When it doesn't. I mean,

457
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 1: like you said, if somebody's shooting up heroine, I'm going

458
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,280
Speaker 1: to say, like, we can't keep doing this, We're going

459
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,520
Speaker 1: to get you into treatment. But when it comes to

460
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,440
Speaker 1: what we want in our love lives, like, yeah, if

461
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 1: that's what you want, that gets to be what you want. Yeah.

462
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,240
Speaker 1: I always say, like, as a therapist, my job is

463
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,120
Speaker 1: to help you get what you want in life. Yes,

464
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 1: most people want to be happy, right, but most people

465
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,800
Speaker 1: want harmony, inner peace, evolution, not all though, And so

466
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 1: I feel like, I mean I don't really have a

467
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 1: private I mean I have a couple of hyper robile

468
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,440
Speaker 1: clients now, but I mean generally, my my actual private

469
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 1: practice system that was a client who had had for

470
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,199
Speaker 1: a long time. Though, So some of them you just

471
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: feel like I have to yeah, yeah, you know what

472
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,760
Speaker 1: I mean. Where you're like, I know, I'm sort of

473
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,359
Speaker 1: closing this part of my practice, but okay, whatever fifteen

474
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:26,800
Speaker 1: years are I fine. Okay. So I want to switch

475
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 1: gears somewhat and talk more explicitly about just boundaries in general,

476
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:35,160
Speaker 1: because you have this awesome book Boundary Boss, and I

477
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:39,360
Speaker 1: talk about boundaries probably more than anything else because they

478
00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:41,399
Speaker 1: are part of everything. So I want to start this

479
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,280
Speaker 1: off with how would you say or formula or define

480
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 1: what a healthy boundary is and why are they important? Well,

481
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:52,680
Speaker 1: let's just talk about boundaries in general start with that.

482
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: My definition is it basically is you knowing your preferences,

483
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:03,320
Speaker 1: your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers. So when

484
00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:08,520
Speaker 1: you have healthy boundaries, you know what those things are preferences, desires, limits,

485
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,640
Speaker 1: deal breakers, and you have the ability to readily communicate

486
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,920
Speaker 1: them and when you so choose. So, because I feel

487
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: like there's a lot of confusion about what it means

488
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 1: to have good boundaries, and there's a lot of myths

489
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,359
Speaker 1: that you have to be mean and you have to

490
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,680
Speaker 1: be selfish. And what people are always misunderstanding is that

491
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:29,680
Speaker 1: someone with rigid boundaries. The world thinks that's what someone

492
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,000
Speaker 1: looks like when they have good boundaries. So rigid boundaries

493
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 1: are too inflexible. My aware of the highway. That's um withdrawing.

494
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:37,800
Speaker 1: If you don't do what I want you to do,

495
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,159
Speaker 1: I'm going to punish you, you know. So that's not

496
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 1: what it is. Now. The name of the book right

497
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 1: is Boundary Boss, because the boss is someone who is masterful,

498
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,959
Speaker 1: and when you're masterful, you could do any and all

499
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: of this with ease, with grace, with kindness, with love

500
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:57,639
Speaker 1: when appropriate. So if someone being abound your boss method

501
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: you had to become bitchy, it would be called boundary

502
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 1: bullying would be the name of the book, which it isn't.

503
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,879
Speaker 1: So I think that we have to look at those

504
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:08,760
Speaker 1: myths that we have been as women. I'm sorry, I

505
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: don't care what country, and I put a hundred two

506
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 1: hundred five countries. Women from two hundred five countries at

507
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,639
Speaker 1: this point have come through my boundary boot Camp course

508
00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 1: and nobody has ever been like, oh my god, yeah

509
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: over here in Egypt, I learned all about boundaries. Nobody

510
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: learned anywhere, it doesn't matter country, culture. Especially women, we

511
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: are raised and praised for being to be self abandoned

512
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 1: in codependence. Like that's it. So not only did no

513
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: one teach us, this is like, you know, a language,

514
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,280
Speaker 1: look at healthy boundaries, like a language. You wouldn't feel

515
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,200
Speaker 1: bad about yourself if you were, like I really want

516
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 1: to be fluent in Mandarin, I must be so dumb

517
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,919
Speaker 1: that I'm not, or I must be weak that I

518
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 1: don't know. Get someone to teach you by this frigging

519
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 1: book right here boundary boss book dot com. That's where

520
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,199
Speaker 1: you can get it with a million bonuses. It's a

521
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 1: language that you have to learn. And then being raised

522
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:03,280
Speaker 1: as women were taught the femininity in this traditional gender

523
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: normative I don't even know if that's gender normative is

524
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,959
Speaker 1: the right way to say it. But wait, it's like

525
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: give anyone the shirt off your back. She's so nice,

526
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,200
Speaker 1: like being nice. It's like this highest virtue that ever exists.

527
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: So we end up saying yes when we want to

528
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 1: say no under the guys of wanting to be nice. Okay,

529
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,639
Speaker 1: could we just look at the facts saying yes when

530
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 1: you want to say no? Is that nice? No? It's

531
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: just fine. It's bullshit and it's also and ps I

532
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,920
Speaker 1: was the biggest bagary disaster in my twenties, so I

533
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,000
Speaker 1: judging no one where I wrote this book. The biggest

534
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 1: tragedy and all of that though, is that people don't

535
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 1: know us, right. Yeah, I want to take a second

536
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: and just say everything you just said is, so what's

537
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 1: the word like calming to hear and validating to hear?

538
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 1: Because people do feel bad about themselves that that metaphor?

539
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,480
Speaker 1: Would you think you're dumb if you didn't know? Managine

540
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: if nobody ever taught you like it's it's essentially we

541
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,359
Speaker 1: were raised and ought to live this way, So why

542
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,560
Speaker 1: should we be mad at ourselves for not living this way?

543
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,159
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to stop and say that I

544
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 1: think hearing that feels very nice because this work that

545
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: comes with Okay, I'm gonna learn how to set boundaries.

546
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 1: It's really tough, and you can get really down on yourself,

547
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 1: and it's nice to come from a place of Hey,

548
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 1: you're learning a new language. So it's gonna take some time,

549
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,960
Speaker 1: and you're gonna have to practice, and you have to

550
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 1: do it over and over, and you're gonna have to

551
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 1: ask for help, and you're gonna have to check things.

552
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: So that was just a really nice thank you for

553
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 1: saying all of that, because that's going to be very

554
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 1: helpful for a lot of people. I think. I want

555
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,160
Speaker 1: you to look at it though, anyone who's listening, anyone

556
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 1: who's watching, everything is baby steps. And the way that

557
00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 1: I teach it in the book and the way that

558
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,720
Speaker 1: I teach it to my courses is that we go

559
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,359
Speaker 1: way in right. We learn all about your downloaded boundary blueprint.

560
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,640
Speaker 1: Like you, cat and me, we we all relate very

561
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 1: specifically two boundaries because of the people who raised us,

562
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:04,280
Speaker 1: the adults in our life. So if you had a

563
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,679
Speaker 1: maternal impact or as I call them, who was a

564
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 1: people pleasing there, You're like, Okay, there's my model of

565
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: what I'm supposed to be. If you had a maternal impact,

566
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,160
Speaker 1: or who was like an ice queen who was kind

567
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: of mean that people were afraid of, who was cutting

568
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 1: or whatever, You're like, Okay, that's the way I'm supposed

569
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: to be. You know, that's a boundary stuff. Yeah, And

570
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 1: you know something I struggle with as they're so human

571
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 1: and I love social media and I love how accessible

572
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: information is now for people, including this podcast. I love

573
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: all of that, but also there is the misconception with

574
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:43,040
Speaker 1: that of what it looks like to be a strong,

575
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: independent woman with boundaries. It does come off as like

576
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,080
Speaker 1: the like boss bitch kind of thing. It's like, you

577
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: don't have to be a bit to be a boss.

578
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 1: You might look different than the people pleaser. But I

579
00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 1: think that's something that I struggle seeing a lot of

580
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 1: it feels very I'm trying to think of an example

581
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: of something I saw. I get like really hot about

582
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,160
Speaker 1: these things when I see them, and I want to

583
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 1: don't post that, but it's like I like the idea

584
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 1: behind things, like if it's not a hell yes it

585
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: said no, I believe that. But also there is a

586
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 1: way to have boundaries and not just cut people off

587
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:22,680
Speaker 1: all the time and cut things off all the time.

588
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: So can you talk about like what is the difference

589
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,280
Speaker 1: between a healthy boundary and what's the difference between being

590
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:33,160
Speaker 1: just this rigid human being. Yes, healthy boundaries, there's a

591
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 1: certain amount of flexibility, and we're talking about responding instead

592
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,920
Speaker 1: of reacting, and that's probably the key is that we

593
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,200
Speaker 1: have to slow down and so much of the beginning

594
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: of this process of going inward and as I'm walking

595
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:49,080
Speaker 1: you through taking an inventory understanding what are your pain

596
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 1: points because yours are different, Like where are you falling

597
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: down on yourself or on your own boundaries or whatever?

598
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 1: Where do you feel like are you a push over

599
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: a peacekeeper? Actually have a free quiz that people can

600
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 1: take it aundrey quiz dot com, and it will tell

601
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: you what your archetype is, which kind of gives you

602
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 1: a baseline of like do you lean more towards as

603
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 1: you're saying the rigid because there's only you have rigid

604
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:15,840
Speaker 1: boundaries which are too inflexible, you have poorest boundaries which

605
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: are too flexible, and then you have healthy boundaries. So

606
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 1: we're always seeking to be somewhere in the middle. Right.

607
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 1: I take into consideration everything before, but we have to

608
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,160
Speaker 1: know ourselves. And I think that in the beginning of

609
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: this process, I have readers do this massive list called

610
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: the Okay and Not Okay list, And really in the beginning,

611
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: it's it's easier to sort of identify like what's not okay,

612
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: Like what's not working in all areas of your life, friendships,

613
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 1: romantic home, your your surroundings, whether it's your apartment or

614
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 1: a house, your job, how you're living, and everything down,

615
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 1: you know, as small as the lighting in your office,

616
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 1: let's say, because there are so many things that we

617
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:58,400
Speaker 1: can change, but we haven't learned to prioritize our own preference.

618
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 1: We think at being like, it's no big deal, you

619
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: know me easy, brazy, no for less no less. You're

620
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 1: like okay, But that means you're never telling people who

621
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:11,520
Speaker 1: you actually are. And it's the small things. When you

622
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 1: think about your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers, those

623
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,480
Speaker 1: are actually the things that make you you. So when

624
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 1: we feel like we're constantly self abandoning to be like

625
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 1: I don't want to make a big deal, signs that's okay,

626
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,920
Speaker 1: they needed more. I'll be last on my own list

627
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,480
Speaker 1: every f and day, all the time, every day. What

628
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 1: ends up happening is that, of course, that represents disordered boundaries, emotional, physical, financial,

629
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 1: there's a whole thing. But what you're really doing is

630
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,720
Speaker 1: literally buying a ticket to get on this train. And

631
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 1: this train is one stop and it's called bitter Land. Like,

632
00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 1: there's no way that you will not end up being

633
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 1: a bitter martyr. You will because you can do this.

634
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: Trust me, I did it all of my twenties. You

635
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 1: can do it for a period of time and be

636
00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:01,480
Speaker 1: like this is cool, resentful, and then we're looking out

637
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,959
Speaker 1: like I can't believe Betty. She's so entitled, she's so nervy.

638
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 1: I can't believe she would. Now, keep in mind, you

639
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,840
Speaker 1: freaking trained Betty. You trained Betty to expect all the

640
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: things from you, right, And then you're like, Betty, no,

641
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 1: this is about you, and we can change, we can

642
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,880
Speaker 1: renegotiate these relationships and the things that we've been doing.

643
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 1: And so I teach you this process throughout the book,

644
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:28,480
Speaker 1: slowly but surely, right, and and it's different. We have

645
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 1: I have different strategies that I teach you depending on

646
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: whether you're talking to a boundary first time or right

647
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: someone who you've never asked them, you've never you know,

648
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: you know, shared a limit or a preference with them before.

649
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 1: And then we have the repeat offenders. And then I

650
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 1: have a whole entire chapter on the boundary destroyers, because

651
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 1: that's a whole different bollo ax people with you know,

652
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 1: cluster b personality disorders a lot of times, but these

653
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: are people who they're the regular rules of engagement and

654
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: the boundary rules that I teach you in the book.

655
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 1: They don't apply to these people because these are people

656
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 1: who are emotional predators, whether it's because they're ill, whether

657
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,880
Speaker 1: it's because they're mean and whatever. I mean, Like, the

658
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: end of the end is it's not for me to

659
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: judge them. My job is wanting to protect the people

660
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: reading the book and teach you to protect yourself from someone.

661
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 1: If someone has shown you that when you tell them

662
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 1: something important to you, that they will throw it back

663
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: in your face later, Hi, stop telling them important things.

664
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 1: I don't care if it's your mother. I don't care

665
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,560
Speaker 1: if it's your lover. I don't care if it's your sister,

666
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 1: because they've already said to you, oh, you know what,

667
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: I am emotionally untrustworthy. I am an unsafe person. So

668
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: you can stop telling them. But I also say have

669
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,280
Speaker 1: the conversation, because this means becoming a boundary boss where

670
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:47,520
Speaker 1: you can say, oh, that makes me not want to

671
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 1: tell you anything important because I showed her that incompetence

672
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:51,880
Speaker 1: and you just used it against me to control me.

673
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 1: So no, thanks, and I don't mind if I don't, well, yes,

674
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: And when you said, well, it's whether it's your mom

675
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 1: or goes back to us not having choices or being polite.

676
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,240
Speaker 1: It's like, well, I can't do that, it's my mom.

677
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 1: Well you can. You can choose not to. You can.

678
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:10,959
Speaker 1: It's not. It might not be easy, but you can

679
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 1: do that if that's continuing to not work for you.

680
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 1: If it works for you, that's fine, if you don't

681
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:18,719
Speaker 1: mind her continuing to run over you. But it just

682
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 1: sounds like you don't like this relationship that you have built,

683
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,839
Speaker 1: so you can change it. It just would. It would

684
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,520
Speaker 1: come with consequences, but also it would come with you

685
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:32,680
Speaker 1: gaining something too, So that's important to look at. It's

686
00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: the child within the I mean, so much of the

687
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:39,120
Speaker 1: work and so much of the disordered boundaries that people

688
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 1: continue to experience and employ has to do with unresolved

689
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:46,200
Speaker 1: stuff from childhood. Which is why the entire beginning of

690
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 1: the book and this whole process is we really have

691
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 1: to know what is going on underneath the surface, and

692
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,640
Speaker 1: the only way to know is to go okay, So,

693
00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:58,320
Speaker 1: how how do I know when a boundary has been crossed?

694
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,320
Speaker 1: How do I know when there's been a boundary by relation?

695
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 1: How do I know what my my rights are? Because

696
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 1: that is a big thing that people are always like

697
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 1: I think it's always the nicest people who are like,

698
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm being unreasonable. I'm like, you're not.

699
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:16,040
Speaker 1: I'm worried that I'm being mean. I was like, trust me,

700
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,120
Speaker 1: it's always the mean people who are never freaking worried

701
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 1: about being mean, Like you're not dressed me, you need

702
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,840
Speaker 1: to be doing this thing. But there's a lot with codependency,

703
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:30,880
Speaker 1: and we need to unpack those things because so so

704
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 1: people are like, just give me all the scripts and listen.

705
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,320
Speaker 1: I have a whole entire chapter of scripts towards the

706
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,359
Speaker 1: end of the book, though, and I'm like, I could

707
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: give you the perfect words for every day of the week.

708
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 1: If you do not understand the original injuries that are

709
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 1: driving dysfunctional boundary behaviors, maybe one time it will work,

710
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:52,840
Speaker 1: but it will not consistently work because the injury needs

711
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 1: your attention. And when you give the injury the attention

712
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: that it needs, which is really child you, then you

713
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:03,240
Speaker 1: will understand that when a client says I can't write,

714
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,879
Speaker 1: who's saying I can't. There's seven year old dealing with

715
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:10,759
Speaker 1: probably a narcissistic or abusive mother, Because that's seven year

716
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: old could only say I can't because they're not like, Hi,

717
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: I'm going on Craig's listen, get in a room, share

718
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 1: like you're just the you know, kids are the ultimate

719
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 1: captive audience where you're just rereaking screwed. And so these

720
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:27,200
Speaker 1: adaptive functioning, this behavior that we learned in childhood to

721
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:31,359
Speaker 1: stay safe, to being less pain, to not be rejected

722
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 1: by our the adults in our life, they become maladaptive

723
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: in adulthood, and yet we we never I'm like, oh, hey,

724
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,400
Speaker 1: is this still working because most people don't even know

725
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,319
Speaker 1: because these are unconscious process uses, you know. Okay, so

726
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,840
Speaker 1: two things have you heard that the story of the

727
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 1: metaphor with the log and the river? I don't think so. Okay.

728
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:50,840
Speaker 1: So this is something that I use a lot, and

729
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,840
Speaker 1: this is talking about what you said. What you just said.

730
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:57,440
Speaker 1: So imagine you're like swimming in a river and it's fine,

731
00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, this like storm comes

732
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,080
Speaker 1: and there are all these rapids and you're like drowning.

733
00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:02,840
Speaker 1: You can swim, but it's so bad that you're drowning.

734
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:07,600
Speaker 1: You find you so then you grab onto the log,

735
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: and the log you flow and you get through the

736
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:13,520
Speaker 1: storm and it keeps you alive. Then the storm passes

737
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: and you're still holding onto the log because you're so

738
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 1: afraid if you let go of the log then you're

739
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,080
Speaker 1: going to drown and die, when really all you have

740
00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 1: to do is let go of the log, walk to

741
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,840
Speaker 1: the shore, and you can go on with your life.

742
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 1: And that's what you're saying, Like in your childhood, the

743
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,359
Speaker 1: maladaptive way that you set or have boundaries or whatever,

744
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,759
Speaker 1: the behaviors you have are our survival, Like you are

745
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,600
Speaker 1: doing what you know best to do based on your

746
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: environment and getting your needs met and feeling safe. The

747
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,080
Speaker 1: problem is an adulthood. You're not in the river with

748
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:47,439
Speaker 1: the storm. You might be in a different storm, but

749
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 1: you're not in that storm, and so that log is

750
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,640
Speaker 1: now holding you back rather than allowing and helping you.

751
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,600
Speaker 1: So that's exactly what you're saying, and it's finding the

752
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 1: courage to let go of of the log and see

753
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 1: if you can maybe just for like five seconds, and

754
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 1: then you can grab back onto the log if you

755
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,080
Speaker 1: freak out, but allowing yourself you don't have to jump

756
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: head first, but find a way to gently ease yourself

757
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,239
Speaker 1: in to the water again. And I also was thinking

758
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 1: about when you were saying that a lot of times

759
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,080
Speaker 1: we think about these like big stories when you think

760
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 1: about like childhood abuse and neglect, but these boundaries in

761
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 1: the way that you're interacting in your relationships could be

762
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 1: from a very more covert emotional neglect that you felt

763
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,880
Speaker 1: as a kid, where like from the outside you wouldn't

764
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 1: even know that you were neglected in any way. Your

765
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 1: mom your dad might not know that they even did anything,

766
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,440
Speaker 1: but it was still there. And that's I think one

767
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 1: of the hardest things to move through because it's like, no, no,

768
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,480
Speaker 1: my mom was always there, my dad was always there. No, No,

769
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 1: I had a great childhood, and like you might have

770
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 1: had a really great childhood, and it doesn't mean that

771
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 1: your needs were always met in the way that you

772
00:38:56,640 --> 00:39:00,080
Speaker 1: really needed them to be met. I think that an

773
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,360
Speaker 1: other thing is thinking that when we're looking at parental stuff,

774
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,879
Speaker 1: you know, we feel very protective of our people, and

775
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:10,640
Speaker 1: especially when you if you were a child who was parentified,

776
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 1: you want to be like, but I know that my

777
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 1: mom had she had a terrible childhood. She did way

778
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,440
Speaker 1: better than her parents did, and it happened so long ago,

779
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,920
Speaker 1: and it does so I always say, listen, we're not judging.

780
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 1: Maybe they did the best they could. Maybe then and

781
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 1: I have no idea, but we don't care, because what

782
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 1: we care about is now and now. This is just information,

783
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:36,359
Speaker 1: Like we're just gonna go gather the data that we

784
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,600
Speaker 1: need to get you out of dysfunction prison. That's it.

785
00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 1: So go back to the log for a second. I

786
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 1: want you to think of the log as something that

787
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 1: not only we're not just going to make you let

788
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 1: go of the log, the thing that made you feel safe.

789
00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:53,520
Speaker 1: We're going to give you a freaking boat or like

790
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 1: floaties or like something that will actually benefit your life now.

791
00:39:59,719 --> 00:40:02,879
Speaker 1: And there's nothing wrong with feeling like you need the boat.

792
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,279
Speaker 1: I would always say to my clients, you know, I'm

793
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,959
Speaker 1: feeling like you need the log. You know. I would

794
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,759
Speaker 1: always say to my clients, this thing you think you need,

795
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: This thing that they're doing, whether it's working themselves to

796
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 1: death or whatever. I'm like, it's like a woobie. It's

797
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,320
Speaker 1: like a blankie, but it has like s os pads

798
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,359
Speaker 1: and like glass yards in it. And you're telling me

799
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 1: it's keeping you warm, and I'm like, but your arms

800
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:28,920
Speaker 1: are bleeding. It's not keeping you warm, it's making you bleed.

801
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:32,440
Speaker 1: Like you don't need this, and so you know, of

802
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 1: course as you're doing the deeper work as well. But

803
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 1: I was trying to come up with analogies and the

804
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:38,800
Speaker 1: same thing with the book. It's all written in the

805
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,319
Speaker 1: same way, where how to make what could be very

806
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:47,360
Speaker 1: complicated theory, theoretical stuff, psychological stuff, how do we boil

807
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 1: it down to just what you need, just what you

808
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,560
Speaker 1: need to know? So what I did is I actually

809
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,719
Speaker 1: created a course five years ago and I first I

810
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 1: work shopped it, so I beta tested it for the

811
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:02,560
Speaker 1: first time with fifty two women and now with thousands

812
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 1: of women have gone through it. But I took every

813
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 1: single bit of the feedback where they were like, this

814
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,680
Speaker 1: was amazing, I don't know, this thing didn't do that much.

815
00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: I was like, that thing's out, goodbye. So what is

816
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 1: in the book is literally just what rose to the

817
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 1: top again and again and again with each graduating class.

818
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: Then I would hear from people four years later being like,

819
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: oh my god, that thing that you know what I mean,

820
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:31,120
Speaker 1: Like you see how having healthy boundaries, knowing how to

821
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:35,160
Speaker 1: take care of yourself, prioritizing your own preferences, your own pleasure,

822
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:40,319
Speaker 1: that conceptually itself can change your life. But if you

823
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 1: really want to do the work, I've done the best

824
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,960
Speaker 1: that I possibly can. And you know, thousands of people

825
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 1: think I think it works. It's really about is it effective?

826
00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: You know, listen, it's entertaining, and yes I'm sharing. There's

827
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 1: you know, every single chapter has stories, clients stories, my

828
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,560
Speaker 1: own personal stories, because I just feel like I always

829
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: learned with a story better than someone you know, just

830
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:05,480
Speaker 1: going on and on great things. Something down You're like, Okay,

831
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,279
Speaker 1: I get it, but if you would just give me

832
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:11,840
Speaker 1: an example, I would really understand. And I my my dharma,

833
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: my hope, my dream, my my life's purpose is to

834
00:42:15,719 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 1: make this evolutionary process accessible to as many people as possible,

835
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 1: of all genders, of all races, of all countries, of

836
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 1: all cultures. Right Because when I was a therapist, like

837
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,800
Speaker 1: you know, I I by the end of my therapy practice,

838
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,239
Speaker 1: I was I was more coaching. It was all on

839
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,319
Speaker 1: you know, months. It was no longer the way that

840
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:40,160
Speaker 1: it had been. Most people couldn't afford that. And even

841
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,239
Speaker 1: my courses, some of them people if as another course

842
00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:44,200
Speaker 1: in the eight hundred dollar course above and an dollar course.

843
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 1: I wanted a book so that I could a give

844
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 1: as many way as I wanted to for people who

845
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,839
Speaker 1: couldn't even maybe you couldn't afford fifteen dollars, but you

846
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:55,719
Speaker 1: still have a right to this information, and this information

847
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 1: will still change your life, you know. So that was

848
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:01,920
Speaker 1: really my goal my heart. Yeah, and I think that

849
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,160
Speaker 1: it will and it is doing that, and we are

850
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,480
Speaker 1: about to be out of time, so I don't want

851
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,080
Speaker 1: to get into something and then have to cut it off.

852
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:12,400
Speaker 1: It's just making me think about because you work mostly

853
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:15,560
Speaker 1: with women, I work mostly with women, and the other

854
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: thing that I want. Maybe we'll do this in the future.

855
00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,040
Speaker 1: I hear a lot and I see a lot in

856
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,399
Speaker 1: my even like friendships, not just my clients, but this

857
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 1: continuation of I keep dating the same people. I'm not

858
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:33,839
Speaker 1: finding this. Yes, let's do what I live on your

859
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:36,920
Speaker 1: live channel thing, and let's do it. Because it is

860
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,680
Speaker 1: a boundary thing. That that is an internal boundary thing.

861
00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 1: It's also a repetition. So this is I call them

862
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:49,719
Speaker 1: repeating relationship realities, repeating boundary realities, where based on Freud's

863
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,799
Speaker 1: repetition compulsion, we're repeating even though we don't want to.

864
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,480
Speaker 1: There is a way to understand. I'm gonna quickly hit

865
00:43:57,480 --> 00:43:59,040
Speaker 1: it right right here, right now, and then we'll do

866
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 1: something more expensive. Where if you find yourself, I keep say,

867
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,360
Speaker 1: dating the same person. If that's you, you're going to

868
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 1: ask yourself these three questions. Who does this person remind

869
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:13,440
Speaker 1: me of m wherever I felt like this before? How

870
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,920
Speaker 1: or why is this behavioral dynamic the way I am

871
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 1: relating and interacting with this person? How is it familiar

872
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,360
Speaker 1: to me? You may have seen it with your parents.

873
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 1: A fourth question and you can write this in the

874
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 1: show notes if you would for them, because so then

875
00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:29,480
Speaker 1: I take notes is when I'm in this either stuck

876
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,799
Speaker 1: place with this person, or when I'm pursuing this person

877
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:33,880
Speaker 1: and they're running away from you, or the other way around,

878
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 1: whatever it is, who do I become metaphorically and who

879
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:41,520
Speaker 1: do they become? You might become your punitive parent. They

880
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 1: might become ten year old you. You might become ten

881
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:48,000
Speaker 1: year old you, and they become your punitive parent. When

882
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,960
Speaker 1: we can see that we are repeating something, what happens

883
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,560
Speaker 1: is we have something now that's on our side of

884
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 1: the street that we need to clean up. We need

885
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 1: to go huh, well, I'm because here's my here's my theory.

886
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 1: I don't know if anyone else I present that. This

887
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 1: is just my psychological theory. You can only talk things

888
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:10,799
Speaker 1: out or act things out. That's it. So if you're

889
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,399
Speaker 1: not therapy talking it out, we still have to work

890
00:45:13,480 --> 00:45:16,439
Speaker 1: this crap out. So then we will act it out

891
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:20,200
Speaker 1: in our relationships and in our life, not realizing that

892
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,920
Speaker 1: we're having a transference. So those questions. It's called the

893
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,520
Speaker 1: Three Cues for Clarity. This is that tool that I

894
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:31,879
Speaker 1: just gave you that's basically to help you identify where

895
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:36,040
Speaker 1: and when you are having an emotional transference, which means

896
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 1: you are reacting in this moment being driven by unresolved

897
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:45,560
Speaker 1: injury past, something some charge from the past, because this

898
00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:51,000
Speaker 1: person reminds you, or it's striking some familiar chord that

899
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:54,839
Speaker 1: is unconscious. You're not aware of that yet. When I

900
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: first learned this all concept, I was like, wait a minute,

901
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:00,600
Speaker 1: are you com kidding me? I can act to believe.

902
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,319
Speaker 1: It was a whole I was in. I was in

903
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:03,799
Speaker 1: a job and I hated this guy, and I was

904
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:05,799
Speaker 1: like complaining to my therapist about it, and I was like,

905
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:07,920
Speaker 1: he's the jerk, He's like this, He's like that, I

906
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:09,880
Speaker 1: hate him. I was avoiding him. I was jumping. I mean,

907
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:12,280
Speaker 1: I was already in grad school when this happened. And

908
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,640
Speaker 1: she was like, uh, can you describe this person again?

909
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: And of course I describe him like you know, Brick's

910
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:21,239
Speaker 1: further suit, wearing Wall Street Journal, reading Martini, probably golfs

911
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:25,160
Speaker 1: like that just a judgmental jerk. She was like, who

912
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:27,359
Speaker 1: did you just describe? And I was like, oh, my god,

913
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,759
Speaker 1: my father, Like I would grow up terrib out of

914
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 1: my father. I had a boss who I did not

915
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:36,080
Speaker 1: even know, and I was in school to become a

916
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:38,840
Speaker 1: therapist at this point I was I wasn't fifteen, I

917
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:42,279
Speaker 1: was like thirty, Like it was so obvious, but the

918
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:46,480
Speaker 1: transference can feel so real. The reason, of course we

919
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:48,400
Speaker 1: don't want to be living our life in a transference.

920
00:46:48,719 --> 00:46:52,000
Speaker 1: Why because it's literally would be my ten year old

921
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,360
Speaker 1: running my job. I'm avoiding that guy because he reminds

922
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,080
Speaker 1: me of my father. But then my therapist is like,

923
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:58,680
Speaker 1: do you want to get a job at this place

924
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:01,000
Speaker 1: when you get out? How will this dude know how

925
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:03,120
Speaker 1: smart you are if you jump and hide in the

926
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:04,680
Speaker 1: bathroom every time you see him, and if you never

927
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:07,760
Speaker 1: talk when he's in a meeting. I'm like, fair point. Yeah,

928
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:10,239
Speaker 1: so anyway, that was kind of quick. I have a

929
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:12,440
Speaker 1: gift for for your people, though, and I want to

930
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:14,000
Speaker 1: make sure that I don't forget to tell you it,

931
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:15,759
Speaker 1: so hold on, let me tell you that. I'm gonna

932
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,279
Speaker 1: give you the you are round. Okay, And this is

933
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:20,959
Speaker 1: going to be about boundaries and codependency because we didn't

934
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 1: really get to it, but I know your audience and

935
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:26,400
Speaker 1: I know, oh they want that you do, so you're

936
00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 1: gonna go do boundary boss dot me forward slash cat. Awesome.

937
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for doing that. And we did

938
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:36,239
Speaker 1: a whole episode on codependency and that was, I mean,

939
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,920
Speaker 1: one of the most responded to and related to episodes.

940
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:41,880
Speaker 1: I think I'm so grateful for that, for them to

941
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:43,960
Speaker 1: have that tool, so thank you. It's amazing. I actually

942
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 1: did a course with Mark Roves on codependency called Crushing

943
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:51,880
Speaker 1: Codependency because we were both just fully obsessed with helping

944
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:55,200
Speaker 1: people because it is just so damaging. So yeah, there's

945
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:58,080
Speaker 1: lots out there about codependency now, which is amazing. Yeah, well,

946
00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I am USh. I had an

947
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 1: hour left to talk about we just what we just

948
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:05,799
Speaker 1: got into, but we'll talk again, and I appreciate this

949
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:08,359
Speaker 1: so much. Thank you. How can people find you on

950
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:10,759
Speaker 1: social media really quick? Can you shout out? Okay? Well,

951
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:11,919
Speaker 1: first of all, if you want to get the book,

952
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:14,359
Speaker 1: go to Boundary boss book dot com. You can buy

953
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 1: it anywhere, but Boundary bus book dot com has all

954
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:19,560
Speaker 1: of the goodies that I created for you that are free,

955
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:20,960
Speaker 1: so I would like you to go there and get them.

956
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,359
Speaker 1: I'm just Terry Cole pretty much everywhere on Insta at

957
00:48:24,480 --> 00:48:26,680
Speaker 1: Terry Cole. That's where I hang out the most. Probably.

958
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:29,400
Speaker 1: I also have a free group for women in Facebook

959
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:31,920
Speaker 1: called Real Love Revolution with Terry Coal when we talk

960
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:35,440
Speaker 1: about this stuff more. And I have a podcast to

961
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 1: Terry Cole Show that I've had for about six years. Wow,

962
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 1: so you were in it before people really got in

963
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:44,439
Speaker 1: the podcasting, so be there. Oh god, I'm so glad

964
00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:47,680
Speaker 1: that I did then because you just get disciplined. Just

965
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:50,799
Speaker 1: I love it though, it's great. Love it, Oh yes,

966
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,359
Speaker 1: yes I do. But thank you so much for doing this.

967
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:55,960
Speaker 1: And I'll be in touch anytime with you. Yeah you

968
00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:58,960
Speaker 1: you too, and have a good rest of your Monday YouTube.

969
00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 1: Thank you so much of what you do. I appreciate you.

970
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:07,080
Speaker 1: M