Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio,
Speaker 1: Greetings and Grand Rising. Welcome to the R Spot. I
Speaker 1: am Iyamla, your guide, your support, your facilitate, a soft
Speaker 1: place to fall and share your experiences and ask your
Speaker 1: questions about relationships, all things relationships. And we have a
Speaker 1: special sauce that we are breading around today. That's right.
Speaker 1: We are talking to the side piece, the other woman.
Speaker 1: We're talking to folks who may have another woman. We're
Speaker 1: talking to people who are in relationship and know that
Speaker 1: their partner has a side piece or another woman. Not
Speaker 1: because we want to embarrass or shame or guilt anyone,
Speaker 1: but because we want to understand the thinking that goes
Speaker 1: into creating a relationship with someone you can't have, creating
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who's not giving you their whole self,
Speaker 1: creating a relationship with someone that may be going nowhere,
Speaker 1: and creating a relationship with someone who has someone without
Speaker 1: considering the impact on you and on the other person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the side piece. Some people know they are, some people
Speaker 1: think they are. Some people are okay with being the
Speaker 1: one getting the crumbs or are they getting the crumbs?
Speaker 1: Sometimes the partner is the side piece to the side piece. Well,
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about all of that right here
Speaker 1: on the R Spot because we want to understand what
Speaker 1: we can do and what we can do better to
Speaker 1: make our relationships more loving and fulfilling. I don't want
Speaker 1: to waste time, so we're going to dig in. Here's
Speaker 1: my first caller today. Greetings, and welcome to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: We are serving up a special sauce today, talking about
Speaker 1: the other one, the side piece. So are you a
Speaker 1: side piece? Do you have a side piece or are
Speaker 1: you with someone that has a side piece? What's your story?
Speaker 2: Hello? Yes, so you know, I guess I am the
Speaker 2: side piece. I think that's monology.
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't like.
Speaker 2: It, but that is what's happening.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, the side pieces is just the twenty
Speaker 1: first century way of saying the lover, the other woman,
Speaker 1: the other man, or whichever it is. Yeah, so talk
Speaker 1: to me, what's your story?
Speaker 2: So just a little quick background. I travel for work.
Speaker 2: I work for a hospitality management company that puts me
Speaker 2: in different cities pretty much every week. And when I
Speaker 2: started this job, I was single, and I was hoping, like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm going to meet my soulmate. I know that he
Speaker 2: wasn't in the town that I was living that I'm
Speaker 2: living in currently, so I'm like, he has to be
Speaker 2: somewhere in the United States. So each city I was
Speaker 2: always open and holdings. Eventually I landed on the East Coast,
Speaker 2: and as soon as this man walked into the room,
Speaker 2: I knew just I was just like, he is a
Speaker 2: beautiful man with a wonderful smile, wonderful spirit. And I
Speaker 2: was just like, oh, and we work in the same industry.
Speaker 2: So that's how we met at work. I don't know
Speaker 2: how to describe it. I didn't know initially that he
Speaker 2: was married. He was not wearing his wedding ring initially.
Speaker 1: How long have you been together.
Speaker 2: It's been two years.
Speaker 1: It's been almost two years, So he wasn't wearing a
Speaker 1: ring initially.
Speaker 2: No, No, he wasn't on those first couple of when
Speaker 2: I would see him. And then eventually we were working
Speaker 2: and he came out to talk to me, and he
Speaker 2: crossed his hands and I said, are you married? And
Speaker 2: he told me that he was, but he didn't seem
Speaker 2: excited about it, if that makes sense. And my job,
Speaker 2: it puts me in places sometimes at the time, was
Speaker 2: putting me in places three weeks at a time. So
Speaker 2: initially I was thinking, like, well, you know, I'm only
Speaker 2: going to be here for another week or so, so
Speaker 2: you know, I was willing to he you know, of course,
Speaker 2: went into this story about how he was unhappy about
Speaker 2: this or that or the other. And at the time,
Speaker 2: I had never been with anyone side piece. I had
Speaker 2: never or even consider it. But this was a new
Speaker 2: journey in my life. Right I was traveling. I had
Speaker 2: never done anything like this before, and I'm like, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm only going to be here another couple of weeks,
Speaker 2: so you know, why not, you know, we'll just continue
Speaker 2: to go out on the town. And then that ended
Speaker 2: up leading into sex, and then it ended up leading
Speaker 2: into us continuing to keeping contracts and we have rendezvous
Speaker 2: and we lead us. We travel together, we talk every day.
Speaker 2: I don't know how I can describe it is probably
Speaker 2: my most beautiful relationship in the sense that there's no hiding.
Speaker 2: There's no lying.
Speaker 1: I feel that there's no hiding. Wait a minute, Wait
Speaker 1: a minute, No, you're not hiding in lying. Is he
Speaker 1: hiding in line?
Speaker 2: Uh? Yes, and no his I have had a conversation
Speaker 2: with his wife. His wife is aware of the situation.
Speaker 2: Of course she he of course he. You know, I
Speaker 2: want to say he's not a good cheater because probably
Speaker 2: a few months in we did, she found messages in
Speaker 2: his phone and that's how she was able to reach
Speaker 2: out to me. And initially I lie for him, and
Speaker 2: of course, and I because I I kind of felt
Speaker 2: like it was his place to tell the story, not
Speaker 2: necessarily mine. So I initially just said, oh, no, we're
Speaker 2: just we just worked together. It's there's nothing. And then,
Speaker 2: you know, of course she didn't believe that. And we
Speaker 2: continue to see each other, and I continued to show
Speaker 2: up in their lives one way or the other, like
Speaker 2: she would find well, you know, one he once he
Speaker 2: came to visit me and she had found a receipt
Speaker 2: with my name on it, and so she called me
Speaker 2: and we talked about it, and then you know, so
Speaker 2: we've had so Yes, he has still lined he's not
Speaker 2: being one hundred print percent transparent, but she she is aware.
Speaker 1: Why did you lie? Why did you deny yourself and
Speaker 1: your authentic experience when she called you? Why did you
Speaker 1: do that?
Speaker 2: Honestly, I think it was because I I didn't want
Speaker 2: to hurt her, and I know that sounds crazy. I know,
Speaker 2: I know you're going to tell me I'm crazy, but
Speaker 2: I didn't. I knew that if I were to tell her, oh, yes,
Speaker 2: i've been. Me and your husband have been doing this
Speaker 2: together and we talk all the time, and I'm in
Speaker 2: love with him and he's in love with me, and
Speaker 2: this is what's happening. I just don't know if I
Speaker 2: just didn't, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt
Speaker 2: her in that way, and I didn't want to be vindictive.
Speaker 2: And I knew she was I knew she I've been
Speaker 2: in her shoes before. I called someone who was texting
Speaker 2: my man before, you know, and I, uh, I don't.
Speaker 2: I just didn't. I didn't. I just didn't feel like
Speaker 2: it was for me to tell. So him and I
Speaker 2: had the conversation.
Speaker 1: When you say, when you say she's aware, does that
Speaker 1: mean that she still knows that y'all are still together?
Speaker 2: She is aware that we still talk, she's aware that
Speaker 2: we still meet up. I think in her mind, she's
Speaker 2: not necessarily seeing it as a relationship. I think she
Speaker 2: I don't think he's not really transparent with her, right.
Speaker 2: He doesn't tell her, oh, you know the truth, you know.
Speaker 2: I think he downplays it as if, oh.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, beloved, beloved, he's not telling you the
Speaker 1: tooth theater. He's not telling you the tooth theater. I
Speaker 1: guarantee you he is not telling you the truth. Because
Speaker 1: you know what you do, if you do it anywhere,
Speaker 1: you do it everywhere. And what he's doing with her,
Speaker 1: he's doing with you. He's not being authentic with you.
Speaker 1: He's not being transparent with you, just you know, no heat,
Speaker 1: no judgment. But it sounds to me like you're trying
Speaker 1: to slip slow around the truth. You don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt her. How did you feel when your man had
Speaker 1: another woman? Did it hurt you?
Speaker 2: Of course it was devastating.
Speaker 1: So why do you think why do you think her
Speaker 1: knowing that he has another because she's still there? I mean,
Speaker 1: otherwise she wouldn't be calling you. That's her husband, right,
Speaker 1: So why why do you think it's not hurting her.
Speaker 2: I don't doubt that she's hurt, Like I just didn't
Speaker 2: want at the time. The question was why I didn't
Speaker 2: tell her at the time, and I just wasn't ready
Speaker 2: to face, you know, to be the one to deliver
Speaker 2: that moves. But I'm aware that, you know, even though
Speaker 2: I didn't confirm it with her at that time, I'm
Speaker 2: aware that, you know, just like any other woman with
Speaker 2: intuition and just seeing the messages that they did see,
Speaker 2: I'm sure she put two and two together, and I
Speaker 2: know that it is probably a painful thing for her.
Speaker 2: And you know, one thing he tells me, She's like,
Speaker 2: you literally live in my house, right and.
Speaker 1: That a compliment. That's a compliment that you live in
Speaker 1: the house where his wife sleeps in the bed with him,
Speaker 1: washing his dirty jaws, maybe takes care of its children.
Speaker 1: That's a compliment.
Speaker 2: Well, so I'm not a compliment, but meaning when I
Speaker 2: say that, I mean when I say that, I mean
Speaker 2: to say that I know that it's something that bothers
Speaker 2: her and I know that she doesn't necessarily like it.
Speaker 2: But when her and I've had the conversation, you know,
Speaker 2: she she was like, well, you know, he's told me
Speaker 2: you know about the situation, and I can let you
Speaker 2: know that I'm not going anywhere. These were her words
Speaker 2: to me. So she said, I guess we'll just be
Speaker 2: sharing him then, And are you okay with that?
Speaker 1: I you know, are you okay?
Speaker 2: I guess I have no choice but to be because
Speaker 2: I do. I continue to talk to him, I continue
Speaker 2: to deal with him because he brings, because it's because
Speaker 2: I want.
Speaker 3: To right and he.
Speaker 2: He what what experience that him and I share is?
Speaker 2: I don't know. Well. I mean, I think it's funny.
Speaker 2: It's I don't know how how else to describe it
Speaker 2: except for beautiful.
Speaker 1: Please don't hear me beating you up. I have no
Speaker 1: judgment about it. I think it's very I want to
Speaker 1: say interesting. But I want to take him out of
Speaker 1: the middle of it for a minute. Let's just put
Speaker 1: him over in the box, and let's put him in
Speaker 1: the cheetah box.
Speaker 2: What he is.
Speaker 1: You're not cheating he is. But I want to bring
Speaker 1: this thing to the woman to woman. This woman is
Speaker 1: your sister in a universal set, you know, she, just
Speaker 1: like you, embodies the feminine energy of life. So with
Speaker 1: him over there in his box, I want you to
Speaker 1: be real clear that you are doing to another woman,
Speaker 1: what another sister, what some sister did to you that
Speaker 1: hurts you, that dishonored you, that disrespected you, And now
Speaker 1: you're doing that to somebody else. And yes, you may
Speaker 1: love him, and yes it may feel good, but I
Speaker 1: want you to get real clear about what you're doing
Speaker 1: to another one. I also want you to be clear
Speaker 1: about who this man is. This is a dishonest man
Speaker 1: who lacks integrity. And I want you to be real
Speaker 1: clear that if he'll do it to her, answers are
Speaker 1: he can do it to you.
Speaker 2: That is true.
Speaker 1: And you know, when you put that on the table,
Speaker 1: what does it bring up for you? What does it
Speaker 1: feel like? What does it bring to mind for you?
Speaker 1: And I'm not in any way saying you have to
Speaker 1: end this, but we're gonna look at it.
Speaker 2: Why sure, I mean, and I've thought about this. I mean,
Speaker 2: believe me. You know, when when I'm saying, when I'm
Speaker 2: talking and it sounds proud like I'm proud of this relationship,
Speaker 2: it's not that I'm proud of it by any means.
Speaker 2: Of course. It's a struggle. You know, every single time
Speaker 2: when I when we leave each other, right, it's like
Speaker 2: you know, we know we're going back to each other's reality,
Speaker 2: and I know I'm going back to mind, and I know,
Speaker 2: like you know, at times when I can only talk
Speaker 2: for him between this time and this time because he's
Speaker 2: going to be home, or you know, he's driving in
Speaker 2: between places and this is the only chance I get
Speaker 2: to talk to him, I have those moments of feeling like,
Speaker 2: you know, this is ridiculous, like this isn't I deserve
Speaker 2: more than this than what he's offering. Do you right?
Speaker 1: Do you deserve more? Do you actually believe that you
Speaker 1: deserve more?
Speaker 2: I believe enough.
Speaker 1: Do you believe that you can have more? Do you
Speaker 1: believe that you can have what you have with him
Speaker 1: with somebody who's in one hundred percent?
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I do believe that, and I believe that
Speaker 2: it cannot.
Speaker 1: So why do you accept less? Why do you accept less?
Speaker 2: I think because it's convenient for me in the moment, right,
Speaker 2: my guys, I stayed earlier. I travel for works, right,
Speaker 2: So I in my mind, what man is gonna want
Speaker 2: his woman to be on the road every week? I travel. Monday,
Speaker 2: I travel. I'm on a plane Monday, I'm on a
Speaker 2: plane Friday. I have my weekends free. I'm at home
Speaker 2: on my weekends and being sing. Well, you know, when
Speaker 2: I try to date, like in my city, you know,
Speaker 2: it's always an issue. It's always like a concern or
Speaker 2: like i'll talk to someone, they're jealous. They're asking me
Speaker 2: like what I'm doing or this or that or the other.
Speaker 2: So a conventional relationship doesn't work right.
Speaker 1: Now, that's what you tell yourself because we're not talking
Speaker 1: about because you can have exactly what you have with
Speaker 1: him with a single man, but you have to believe
Speaker 1: that you can have it with a man who's not
Speaker 1: going home to another woman, who's not sharing his bed
Speaker 1: with another woman, who's not lying to two women, who's
Speaker 1: losing his principles. I mean, what does he value? We'll
Speaker 1: talk about that when they come back. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are.
Speaker 1: If he values the relationship, If he values the relationship,
Speaker 1: he would want it to be of integrity, grounded in principle.
Speaker 1: So those are just things to consider, not with him
Speaker 1: in the picture, but with you in the picture and
Speaker 1: the story that you're telling yourself. And for me as
Speaker 1: a woman, the the biggest thing is, you know, I
Speaker 1: have no heat of judgment on the triangulation of the relationship,
Speaker 1: and if he really wants to do it, why doesn't
Speaker 1: he just come out and tell the truth and have
Speaker 1: two women? That's called polygamy. But what do you tell
Speaker 1: yourself about the fact that he hasn't left her?
Speaker 2: It was never an expectation, you see, Like I know,
Speaker 2: and that's I think that's probably what makes the relationship
Speaker 2: so fluid, and the reason why it's lasts so long
Speaker 2: is because I never figured. I never thought that he would.
Speaker 2: He never told me he was going to you know,
Speaker 2: that was never a thing. It was always you know,
Speaker 2: his words to me when I asked him why, you know,
Speaker 2: and he was, just like I, he just didn't want
Speaker 2: to miss an opportunity to experience me.
Speaker 1: He's greedy. He's greedy. He's greedy.
Speaker 2: That that part, that part exactly. It definitely be that too.
Speaker 2: But I think it was only I think he stilled
Speaker 2: a void for me, which, as I said I was speaking,
Speaker 2: I was hoping to find this, this this love right,
Speaker 2: and it didn't come in the pretty package that I
Speaker 2: expected it to be.
Speaker 1: He is occupying a place in your heart that makes
Speaker 1: it impossible for anybody to get in he's got your heart.
Speaker 1: But this is what I want you to think about.
Speaker 1: Do you have children.
Speaker 2: I do have one son.
Speaker 1: Would you recommend he behaved this way?
Speaker 2: No, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: And if you had a daughter, If you had a daughter,
Speaker 1: would you want her to be the side piece the
Speaker 1: other woman in a in a in someone's marriage. Is
Speaker 1: this what you would recommend for her?
Speaker 2: That's that's a tough situation, and that's a tough question.
Speaker 2: But I mean, of course, my first answer there would
Speaker 2: be no, due to society norms, right, due to what
Speaker 2: everyone says is what it's supposed to be. But I I.
Speaker 1: But how about how about due to what she's doing
Speaker 1: to another woman? There is a universal law cause and effect,
Speaker 1: my love, and this thing is coming, It's gonna come
Speaker 1: back around. Yeah, it's back around. And the power of
Speaker 1: it is when you were in the other side, on
Speaker 1: the other side, when the situation was you're the person
Speaker 1: you were with had somebody else and it hurt you
Speaker 1: and it devastated you, that was an opportunity for you
Speaker 1: to create a boundary of value, a template. I would
Speaker 1: never want another woman to experience this, and I would
Speaker 1: never be the cause of this for another woman, and
Speaker 1: I would demonstrate to my daughter never to do this
Speaker 1: to another woman because it's coming back around. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you it's coming back around. So let me ask you,
Speaker 1: what is your what is your vision? Would you want
Speaker 1: him just for yourself, knowing that he lies, he lacks integrity,
Speaker 1: he will cheat. Would you want him for yourself? That
Speaker 1: would be a yeah. See, you're hooking it on the personality.
Speaker 1: You're hooking it on what it feels like for you.
Speaker 1: He's filling a void for you, which is first of all,
Speaker 1: a very poor ground rule for any relationship. If you
Speaker 1: are missing parts and pieces, the worst thing to do
Speaker 1: is to stick another human being in that void. And
Speaker 1: that's what you've done because what you think he's giving
Speaker 1: you is what you need to give to yourself. Because
Speaker 1: the minute he's gone, you know, whether he disappears or
Speaker 1: chooses his wife or slips on the banana peel, the
Speaker 1: minute he's gone, you've got the volie and now you
Speaker 1: got the guilt. How long are you going to do this?
Speaker 1: How long do you think he's going to be around?
Speaker 1: And what do you choose?
Speaker 2: So, yeah, that's that's that's a strong question. But you know,
Speaker 2: I honestly I think that because I've tried to stop
Speaker 2: talking to him. I've tried, you know, in moments of like,
Speaker 2: this isn't right, I can't do this. I need to
Speaker 2: leave him alone. He's no good for me. You know.
Speaker 2: I've had those moments, and I've even you know, wrote
Speaker 2: out paragraphs to him, like telling him, like, you know,
Speaker 2: it's been great, but I just don't this doesn't serve me,
Speaker 2: you know, all of this. You know, I've had those
Speaker 2: conversations that somehow, you know, we still end up communicating,
Speaker 2: and we still end up getting back on track of
Speaker 2: this this experience because it's it's not it's good, Like
Speaker 2: it's hard to leave something that's that's that's that feels good, right,
Speaker 2: It's really you have to be really strong to be like,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't want this anymore. And but to
Speaker 2: answer the question, I don't know how much longer, but
Speaker 2: I do know that it's not something that I'm going
Speaker 2: to continue for the rest of my life, at least
Speaker 2: I don't think so. I hope not, you know, not going.
Speaker 1: But see, you've got to stop. You've got to stop
Speaker 1: putting it on him, take him out, put him over
Speaker 1: in the cheetahbox. And leave him over there because you're
Speaker 1: saying I need to leave him alone. This isn't right.
Speaker 1: But the real question is is this how I want
Speaker 1: to treat myself?
Speaker 2: Rank?
Speaker 1: Is this who I am as a person? Is this
Speaker 1: how I want to show up in the world. Is
Speaker 1: this what I want to do to another woman? Is
Speaker 1: this what I would want another woman to do to me?
Speaker 1: See that puts the responsibility in your lap, not on him.
Speaker 1: Forget him. Sure it feels good. You know I love
Speaker 1: of Alfredo with angel hair. I love it. I love
Speaker 1: that Alfredo, and when I buy it, I can never
Speaker 1: eat it all. So I put it in the fridge.
Speaker 1: When I go the next day to heat it up,
Speaker 1: and I see how that cheese has coagulated and how
Speaker 1: it's hard and you gotta pull it apart, I say,
Speaker 1: this is going on in my belly. You know, I
Speaker 1: love it. It tastes good, but I know that at
Speaker 1: my age, this is not a good thing for me.
Speaker 1: So I'm not gonna say I don't eat alfredo. But
Speaker 1: as opposed to eating it every day, I try to
Speaker 1: do it maybe once a fiscal quarter. And if there's
Speaker 1: another choice, I get the other choice. I don't do it.
Speaker 1: Every day. So take him out of it, belove it,
Speaker 1: put you squarely in it. Is this how I want
Speaker 1: to treat myself? Would you let somebody else do this
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 2: That's true, you're right, period. And I don't think that
Speaker 2: he is the one, right, I just I just enjoy
Speaker 2: him for what he is.
Speaker 1: Greedy, greedy. You're greedy, greedy.
Speaker 2: It's just so greedy that you know exactly, and it's
Speaker 2: you know, it's this is very this is very enlightening
Speaker 2: to me. Actually, I I never even really thought about
Speaker 2: it from the perspective that you've given me as far
Speaker 2: as like what it's doing for me or to me, right,
Speaker 2: Like I thought about her, I thought about him, I
Speaker 2: thought about their family, I thought about you know, all
Speaker 2: of that. But I've never really thought about me. So
Speaker 2: that's so.
Speaker 1: Strange, isn't that strange? So you put that special sauce
Speaker 1: on your plate and scoop it up with some bread,
Speaker 1: and let's see what you come up with.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Good.
Speaker 1: Luck to you, Okay, my love, bye bye. If you
Speaker 1: think about a television, right, if you're looking at law
Speaker 1: and order, if you're looking at law and order on
Speaker 1: we you don't really know what's going on on Fox
Speaker 1: or CNN or MSNBC or CBS. You don't know, So
Speaker 1: you can compartmentalize. You just focus in on law and order.
Speaker 1: But human beings aren't like that. Whatever's going on on
Speaker 1: your WEI is going on on your TBS, it's going
Speaker 1: on on your CNN, It's going on on your ESPN.
Speaker 1: As a human being, what's going on on one channel
Speaker 1: is going on on all channels. So if you're denying
Speaker 1: yourself in this area, there are other places you are
Speaker 1: denying yourself Because if you've got a void, beloved, he
Speaker 1: has avoid and if you're using something to fill it,
Speaker 1: he's using something to fill it. Because you are not
Speaker 1: a television set, you are a human being. Lots going
Speaker 1: on here today at the Rspot as we serve up
Speaker 1: this special sauce with the other woman. Wow, wow, Wow,
Speaker 1: I've talked to a lot of other women today. I'm
Speaker 1: going to talk to some more right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. We are serving up a special sauce today.
Speaker 1: The side piece the other woman. Now, are you the
Speaker 1: other woman? Are you with somebody that has the other woman?
Speaker 3: I don't even know what to define it. I guess
Speaker 3: I'm not the other woman. But I have been a
Speaker 3: friend of someone who is married. We've had such a
Speaker 3: encounters for years now. But I've been in a relationship
Speaker 3: for the past eight years.
Speaker 2: And.
Speaker 3: We scaled it back and everything. He got married, had
Speaker 3: two kids, and now that I've endured this relationship, we're
Speaker 3: thinking about having a child together.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, hold on, are you lost me? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Help me let me draw an Let me get a
Speaker 1: pencil and a piece of paper. I want to I
Speaker 1: want to make a little map. Okay, there's you, right,
Speaker 1: and there's him.
Speaker 2: I'm not.
Speaker 1: All right you and him? Are you married?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, not married? I'm making the map. Is he married?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, he is married. Okay. Do you have children?
Speaker 3: I do, but not with neither of them?
Speaker 1: Okay, neither. Who's the neither? There's somebody else in this picture?
Speaker 3: Yes, I just oh your relationship.
Speaker 1: Other man? Okay, the other man. But you just ended that, yes,
Speaker 1: I think so.
Speaker 3: Oh lord, it's very complicated.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's why I needed a map. I'm writing
Speaker 1: it all day out. I can be clear. So let
Speaker 1: me let me. I have to get another piece of paper.
Speaker 1: Hold on, a minute, you and I'm going to call
Speaker 1: him mister maybe, mister maybe, and then mister married married, okay,
Speaker 1: mister married, all right, so okay.
Speaker 3: And mister Mary is one of the best for one now.
Speaker 3: He he gives me everything that I want in me
Speaker 3: in a relationship. But he's married, and he's like, he's
Speaker 3: my best friend. And I asked him because I do
Speaker 3: want more children, and I asked him if he will
Speaker 3: be willing to help me with that, and he said.
Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my lord, Wait a minute, hold on, mister married,
Speaker 1: mister married one a child okay, confused, conflicted, and I'm
Speaker 1: just a little crazy, but you say the little crazy
Speaker 1: or did that come out of my mouth?
Speaker 3: No, I'm not crazy.
Speaker 2: I think you're.
Speaker 1: Making yourself crazy.
Speaker 4: Am I am? I'm very right now, wow, because of
Speaker 4: the ended the thing we got into an argument and
Speaker 4: the things that were said just way too far gone.
Speaker 1: And you and you and mister maybe or mister.
Speaker 2: Married, yeah, mister maybe.
Speaker 1: Mister maybe. How long were you with mister.
Speaker 2: Maybe eight years?
Speaker 1: Eight years? And how long you been with mister married.
Speaker 3: Around the same time we all met, around the same time, So.
Speaker 1: You were cheating with mister married when you were with
Speaker 1: mister Maybe.
Speaker 3: No, he we once I got into my we were
Speaker 3: all friends, and once I got into a relationship with Maybe,
Speaker 3: we no longer had any type of sexual relationship with
Speaker 3: the married man. He didn't get married till maybe like
Speaker 3: a year or two ago, okay, And so I didn't
Speaker 3: have no type of sexual relationship with him. We just
Speaker 3: have always been friends and always remained you know, the
Speaker 3: best of friends, and he just he's just there for
Speaker 3: me in the capacity that mister Maybe has never been.
Speaker 1: So can I ask you a question, if mister Maybe
Speaker 1: may not be gone, why do you want to have
Speaker 1: a child with mister married. Why can't you have the
Speaker 1: child with mister Maybe.
Speaker 3: Because mister Maybe keeps dragging his feat No, I am not
Speaker 3: had I mean like it's the time, Like I don't
Speaker 3: have that much time left. He says he wants to,
Speaker 3: but he still hasn't made you know, made it happen.
Speaker 3: And he just keeps saying, oh, God impregnated me. So
Speaker 3: he keeps saying that's God's timing.
Speaker 2: But I'm like, I don't.
Speaker 3: Want to be fifty having a kid. Will be forty
Speaker 3: one six months, and he's dragging his feet. And now
Speaker 3: he's talking about he wants to in this relationship. So
Speaker 3: if he wants to completely end it, then I would
Speaker 3: like to have my bundle of joy blessing with mister Mary.
Speaker 1: Let's just nibble on it for a little while. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do you think will happen to mister Maybe when
Speaker 1: he finds out you've been impregnated by mister married his friend.
Speaker 1: What do you think is going to happen?
Speaker 3: Then people be completely serious. But he needs I don't know,
Speaker 3: I've never given him an alternatum.
Speaker 1: But the last thing that you need right now in
Speaker 1: this level of confusion and conflict and hurt, because if
Speaker 1: you get pregnant today or tomorrow, next Tuesday, that baby
Speaker 1: is going to marinate in confusion, conflict, and hurt.
Speaker 2: That is very true.
Speaker 1: I want to go back to the original question because
Speaker 1: the confusion and the conflict and the hurt that you
Speaker 1: are experiencing has nothing to do with either one of them, really,
Speaker 1: it doesn't. It's about you and what you're telling yourself
Speaker 1: and what you're creating within yourself. So my concern not
Speaker 1: only having a baby with a married man. Are you
Speaker 1: looking for a sperm donor or do you because do
Speaker 1: you expect mister married to be a part of this
Speaker 1: child's life. Are you all trying to be a happy
Speaker 1: family or is it that you just want a baby
Speaker 1: because you can get a sperm donor right?
Speaker 3: No, the terms where he did not have to be
Speaker 3: a part of the child's life at all, and he
Speaker 3: said even one two. But I was like, it's not
Speaker 3: it's not a it's not a factor. Like I said,
Speaker 3: I do just want the child.
Speaker 1: Well, why why are you making a choice for a
Speaker 1: child to grow up without a father?
Speaker 3: I haven't thought about that.
Speaker 1: What if? What if the universe of life? What if
Speaker 1: God's source creator is saying, I'm not sending you a
Speaker 1: child into this mess?
Speaker 2: What if I believe that I truly believe.
Speaker 3: I haven't got impregnant.
Speaker 1: So why are you insisting? I don't know, we done
Speaker 1: gone on off to the child I don't even know
Speaker 1: about Maybe and miss and married we are another realm
Speaker 1: right now? So what are you gonna do with mister Maybe?
Speaker 1: What you're gonna do with mister Maybe?
Speaker 3: I'm not sure that he hurts you by the things
Speaker 3: said to me, And that's.
Speaker 1: Just such as now, such as the low because that
Speaker 1: may be the key to why you haven't had the child.
Speaker 1: Let's let's let's pick that apart. Let's stir that up
Speaker 1: in the soup.
Speaker 3: I mean we've had arguments, we've said things. You know,
Speaker 3: most of the time, it's always he calls me a victim,
Speaker 3: a lie. He said that I'm always being a victim.
Speaker 3: He says hurtful things, and then he'll come back and
Speaker 3: he said, no, I love you. And this time he
Speaker 3: actually told me, he said I can't. He told me
Speaker 3: he cann't have to me because he's not attracted to me.
Speaker 3: And it hurt me to my core.
Speaker 1: Why did that hurt you to your core?
Speaker 3: It kind of is like, well that why, you know,
Speaker 3: we haven't been intimate, and I don't know. He says
Speaker 3: that he sees other women and gets aroused by them,
Speaker 3: but by me. He he hasn't. But I don't know.
Speaker 3: I think he just said that to got it hurt
Speaker 3: me as bad as he could.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Well, let's can we pick it. Can we nibble on
Speaker 1: that for a little bit? Why is that hurtful? Why
Speaker 1: is that hurtful? As opposed to valuable information? You've been
Speaker 1: with a man for eight years? Do y'all live together?
Speaker 1: Did you live together.
Speaker 3: No, No, we're in a long distance relationship.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you've been with a man for eight years
Speaker 1: and he's not intimate with you, and he's telling you
Speaker 1: why he's not intimate with you, even if he loves you.
Speaker 1: I mean, that happens, That does happen?
Speaker 3: He said, he does.
Speaker 1: Look Okay, he loves you, but he's not giving you
Speaker 1: everything that you want in a relationship.
Speaker 2: No, he's not.
Speaker 1: He's not attracted to you. That's valuable information. Why are
Speaker 1: you hurt by that?
Speaker 3: I think he's bipolar, Like he says, one thing, you're making.
Speaker 1: This about him. You're making this about him. I want
Speaker 1: you to keep it on you. You are with a
Speaker 1: man who's not attracted to you, and he's a long
Speaker 1: distance man. It's called so long sammy, so long period.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess I'm ending this like I've told him
Speaker 3: it's over, but it's always he pulls me back in
Speaker 3: and then we're starting.
Speaker 1: Over, pulls you back in. How it's a long distance
Speaker 1: relationship and y'all are not intimate. What is he pulling
Speaker 1: you back into? Does he send you money? Is he
Speaker 1: paying your rent? What is he pulling you into?
Speaker 2: Exactly?
Speaker 3: I don't even know. I think I've just wasted the
Speaker 3: last eight years of my life.
Speaker 1: Well, all right, we long distance anyway, How often do
Speaker 1: you see him?
Speaker 3: We try to see each other like once a month,
Speaker 3: for like a week or two at a time.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you really don't know what he's doing over
Speaker 1: in the distance he's in because if he's not attracted
Speaker 1: to you, he may be attracted to somebody else. But
Speaker 1: that's a whole nother story. Yes, beloved it I yeah,
Speaker 1: your mister married is a cheater period. I don't care
Speaker 1: if you got an open marriage. Is that what you
Speaker 1: want for yourself? Is that what you want? He can
Speaker 1: be your friend, y'all can talk. You know, if you
Speaker 1: want to be friends with benefits, that's your choice. But
Speaker 1: bringing a child into that, I would really encourage you
Speaker 1: and invite you. And I'd also really encourage you and
Speaker 1: invite you to consider that you haven't gotten pregnant in
Speaker 1: all of this time, and this may not be the
Speaker 1: best time. And really, if you were a little sperm
Speaker 1: and an egg floating around in somebody's body, would you
Speaker 1: want your mother to say I want you and you
Speaker 1: don't have to have a father. Is that what you
Speaker 1: would want somebody to say for you, no, tell me
Speaker 1: something you're going to think about now as a result
Speaker 1: of this conversation, because I mean, you're going to do
Speaker 1: whatever you want want to do, but tell me something
Speaker 1: you're gonna think about, and maybe consider going.
Speaker 3: Forward considering myself and try to focus on myself. I
Speaker 3: think that's what I really need right now.
Speaker 1: I would encourage you to really investigate the confusion and
Speaker 1: the conflict and instead of thinking that you spent eight years,
Speaker 1: you wasted eight years with mister maybe, I would encourage
Speaker 1: you to get clear about what you want and maybe
Speaker 1: have a relationship with somebody that lives within driving distance
Speaker 1: as opposed to long distance.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna stay away from him, well.
Speaker 1: I hope so. And I hope as you stay away
Speaker 1: from him that you consider just being friends with mister married.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think I am.
Speaker 1: All right, my darling. Thank you for calling. I wish
Speaker 1: you the best. I wish you the best.
Speaker 3: You appreciate your time.
Speaker 1: Okay, Bye, bye life. What a tangle web we weed
Speaker 1: when we are confused, and the web gets even more
Speaker 1: tangled when we are in conflict, and the conflict is
Speaker 1: warning something we can't have or settling for something that's
Speaker 1: less than we want. In relationships, whether it's a cheating relationship,
Speaker 1: or you're cheating, you're being cheated on, you're the object
Speaker 1: being cheated with. In any kind of relationship, those three
Speaker 1: things are going on. We are settling for less than
Speaker 1: we want. We don't believe we can have what we want,
Speaker 1: and we're accepting what shows up because either we think
Speaker 1: we don't deserve it or we're not worthy. It's a
Speaker 1: tango tangled web. I hope that you know something now
Speaker 1: that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until
Speaker 1: we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.