1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,680 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio, 6 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: Greetings and Grand Rising. Welcome to the R Spot. I 7 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: am Iyamla, your guide, your support, your facilitate, a soft 8 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:51,200 Speaker 1: place to fall and share your experiences and ask your 9 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: questions about relationships, all things relationships. And we have a 10 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: special sauce that we are breading around today. That's right. 11 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,119 Speaker 1: We are talking to the side piece, the other woman. 12 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: We're talking to folks who may have another woman. We're 13 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: talking to people who are in relationship and know that 14 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:18,399 Speaker 1: their partner has a side piece or another woman. Not 15 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: because we want to embarrass or shame or guilt anyone, 16 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:27,319 Speaker 1: but because we want to understand the thinking that goes 17 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: into creating a relationship with someone you can't have, creating 18 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,199 Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who's not giving you their whole self, 19 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: creating a relationship with someone that may be going nowhere, 20 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:48,800 Speaker 1: and creating a relationship with someone who has someone without 21 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 1: considering the impact on you and on the other person. Yeah, 22 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: the side piece. Some people know they are, some people 23 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: think they are. Some people are okay with being the 24 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: one getting the crumbs or are they getting the crumbs? 25 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes the partner is the side piece to the side piece. Well, 26 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about all of that right here 27 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:20,959 Speaker 1: on the R Spot because we want to understand what 28 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: we can do and what we can do better to 29 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,359 Speaker 1: make our relationships more loving and fulfilling. I don't want 30 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: to waste time, so we're going to dig in. Here's 31 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: my first caller today. Greetings, and welcome to the R Spot. 32 00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 1: We are serving up a special sauce today, talking about 33 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,920 Speaker 1: the other one, the side piece. So are you a 34 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: side piece? Do you have a side piece or are 35 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 1: you with someone that has a side piece? What's your story? 36 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,640 Speaker 2: Hello? Yes, so you know, I guess I am the 37 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,640 Speaker 2: side piece. I think that's monology. 38 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: Okay, I don't like. 39 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,200 Speaker 2: It, but that is what's happening. 40 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 1: Well, you know, the side pieces is just the twenty 41 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: first century way of saying the lover, the other woman, 42 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: the other man, or whichever it is. Yeah, so talk 43 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: to me, what's your story? 44 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 2: So just a little quick background. I travel for work. 45 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 2: I work for a hospitality management company that puts me 46 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 2: in different cities pretty much every week. And when I 47 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 2: started this job, I was single, and I was hoping, like, oh, 48 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,359 Speaker 2: I'm going to meet my soulmate. I know that he 49 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 2: wasn't in the town that I was living that I'm 50 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 2: living in currently, so I'm like, he has to be 51 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 2: somewhere in the United States. So each city I was 52 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 2: always open and holdings. Eventually I landed on the East Coast, 53 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 2: and as soon as this man walked into the room, 54 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 2: I knew just I was just like, he is a 55 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 2: beautiful man with a wonderful smile, wonderful spirit. And I 56 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 2: was just like, oh, and we work in the same industry. 57 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 2: So that's how we met at work. I don't know 58 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 2: how to describe it. I didn't know initially that he 59 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 2: was married. He was not wearing his wedding ring initially. 60 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: How long have you been together. 61 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 2: It's been two years. 62 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: It's been almost two years, So he wasn't wearing a 63 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: ring initially. 64 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 2: No, No, he wasn't on those first couple of when 65 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 2: I would see him. And then eventually we were working 66 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 2: and he came out to talk to me, and he 67 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 2: crossed his hands and I said, are you married? And 68 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 2: he told me that he was, but he didn't seem 69 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,520 Speaker 2: excited about it, if that makes sense. And my job, 70 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,800 Speaker 2: it puts me in places sometimes at the time, was 71 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 2: putting me in places three weeks at a time. So 72 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 2: initially I was thinking, like, well, you know, I'm only 73 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 2: going to be here for another week or so, so 74 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,040 Speaker 2: you know, I was willing to he you know, of course, 75 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 2: went into this story about how he was unhappy about 76 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 2: this or that or the other. And at the time, 77 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: I had never been with anyone side piece. I had 78 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 2: never or even consider it. But this was a new 79 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 2: journey in my life. Right I was traveling. I had 80 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,039 Speaker 2: never done anything like this before, and I'm like, you know, 81 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 2: I'm only going to be here another couple of weeks, 82 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 2: so you know, why not, you know, we'll just continue 83 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 2: to go out on the town. And then that ended 84 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 2: up leading into sex, and then it ended up leading 85 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,960 Speaker 2: into us continuing to keeping contracts and we have rendezvous 86 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 2: and we lead us. We travel together, we talk every day. 87 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 2: I don't know how I can describe it is probably 88 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:36,599 Speaker 2: my most beautiful relationship in the sense that there's no hiding. 89 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 2: There's no lying. 90 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,360 Speaker 1: I feel that there's no hiding. Wait a minute, Wait 91 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: a minute, No, you're not hiding in lying. Is he 92 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: hiding in line? 93 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 2: Uh? Yes, and no his I have had a conversation 94 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,280 Speaker 2: with his wife. His wife is aware of the situation. 95 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,160 Speaker 2: Of course she he of course he. You know, I 96 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 2: want to say he's not a good cheater because probably 97 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 2: a few months in we did, she found messages in 98 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 2: his phone and that's how she was able to reach 99 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 2: out to me. And initially I lie for him, and 100 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,559 Speaker 2: of course, and I because I I kind of felt 101 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 2: like it was his place to tell the story, not 102 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 2: necessarily mine. So I initially just said, oh, no, we're 103 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,160 Speaker 2: just we just worked together. It's there's nothing. And then, 104 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 2: you know, of course she didn't believe that. And we 105 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,239 Speaker 2: continue to see each other, and I continued to show 106 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 2: up in their lives one way or the other, like 107 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,279 Speaker 2: she would find well, you know, one he once he 108 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 2: came to visit me and she had found a receipt 109 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 2: with my name on it, and so she called me 110 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 2: and we talked about it, and then you know, so 111 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:54,520 Speaker 2: we've had so Yes, he has still lined he's not 112 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 2: being one hundred print percent transparent, but she she is aware. 113 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 1: Why did you lie? Why did you deny yourself and 114 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: your authentic experience when she called you? Why did you 115 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: do that? 116 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 2: Honestly, I think it was because I I didn't want 117 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 2: to hurt her, and I know that sounds crazy. I know, 118 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 2: I know you're going to tell me I'm crazy, but 119 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 2: I didn't. I knew that if I were to tell her, oh, yes, 120 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 2: i've been. Me and your husband have been doing this 121 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 2: together and we talk all the time, and I'm in 122 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,200 Speaker 2: love with him and he's in love with me, and 123 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 2: this is what's happening. I just don't know if I 124 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 2: just didn't, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt 125 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 2: her in that way, and I didn't want to be vindictive. 126 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,440 Speaker 2: And I knew she was I knew she I've been 127 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 2: in her shoes before. I called someone who was texting 128 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 2: my man before, you know, and I, uh, I don't. 129 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,680 Speaker 2: I just didn't. I didn't. I just didn't feel like 130 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 2: it was for me to tell. So him and I 131 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 2: had the conversation. 132 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 1: When you say, when you say she's aware, does that 133 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: mean that she still knows that y'all are still together? 134 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 2: She is aware that we still talk, she's aware that 135 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 2: we still meet up. I think in her mind, she's 136 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 2: not necessarily seeing it as a relationship. I think she 137 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 2: I don't think he's not really transparent with her, right. 138 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,240 Speaker 2: He doesn't tell her, oh, you know the truth, you know. 139 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 2: I think he downplays it as if, oh. 140 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: Well, you know, beloved, beloved, he's not telling you the 141 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 1: tooth theater. He's not telling you the tooth theater. I 142 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:40,199 Speaker 1: guarantee you he is not telling you the truth. Because 143 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: you know what you do, if you do it anywhere, 144 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:48,120 Speaker 1: you do it everywhere. And what he's doing with her, 145 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:52,800 Speaker 1: he's doing with you. He's not being authentic with you. 146 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 1: He's not being transparent with you, just you know, no heat, 147 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: no judgment. But it sounds to me like you're trying 148 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: to slip slow around the truth. You don't want to 149 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,480 Speaker 1: hurt her. How did you feel when your man had 150 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,319 Speaker 1: another woman? Did it hurt you? 151 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,439 Speaker 2: Of course it was devastating. 152 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: So why do you think why do you think her 153 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: knowing that he has another because she's still there? I mean, 154 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 1: otherwise she wouldn't be calling you. That's her husband, right, 155 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: So why why do you think it's not hurting her. 156 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 2: I don't doubt that she's hurt, Like I just didn't 157 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,439 Speaker 2: want at the time. The question was why I didn't 158 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 2: tell her at the time, and I just wasn't ready 159 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,440 Speaker 2: to face, you know, to be the one to deliver 160 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 2: that moves. But I'm aware that, you know, even though 161 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 2: I didn't confirm it with her at that time, I'm 162 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:48,079 Speaker 2: aware that, you know, just like any other woman with 163 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,679 Speaker 2: intuition and just seeing the messages that they did see, 164 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,599 Speaker 2: I'm sure she put two and two together, and I 165 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,559 Speaker 2: know that it is probably a painful thing for her. 166 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 2: And you know, one thing he tells me, She's like, 167 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 2: you literally live in my house, right and. 168 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 1: That a compliment. That's a compliment that you live in 169 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 1: the house where his wife sleeps in the bed with him, 170 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,720 Speaker 1: washing his dirty jaws, maybe takes care of its children. 171 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 1: That's a compliment. 172 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 2: Well, so I'm not a compliment, but meaning when I 173 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 2: say that, I mean when I say that, I mean 174 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,720 Speaker 2: to say that I know that it's something that bothers 175 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 2: her and I know that she doesn't necessarily like it. 176 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 2: But when her and I've had the conversation, you know, 177 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 2: she she was like, well, you know, he's told me 178 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 2: you know about the situation, and I can let you 179 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,880 Speaker 2: know that I'm not going anywhere. These were her words 180 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 2: to me. So she said, I guess we'll just be 181 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,439 Speaker 2: sharing him then, And are you okay with that? 182 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: I you know, are you okay? 183 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,040 Speaker 2: I guess I have no choice but to be because 184 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 2: I do. I continue to talk to him, I continue 185 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,559 Speaker 2: to deal with him because he brings, because it's because 186 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 2: I want. 187 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 3: To right and he. 188 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: He what what experience that him and I share is? 189 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 2: I don't know. Well. I mean, I think it's funny. 190 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,040 Speaker 2: It's I don't know how how else to describe it 191 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 2: except for beautiful. 192 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,319 Speaker 1: Please don't hear me beating you up. I have no 193 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: judgment about it. I think it's very I want to 194 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 1: say interesting. But I want to take him out of 195 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: the middle of it for a minute. Let's just put 196 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: him over in the box, and let's put him in 197 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: the cheetah box. 198 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:36,360 Speaker 2: What he is. 199 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: You're not cheating he is. But I want to bring 200 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:45,680 Speaker 1: this thing to the woman to woman. This woman is 201 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:51,680 Speaker 1: your sister in a universal set, you know, she, just 202 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 1: like you, embodies the feminine energy of life. So with 203 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,040 Speaker 1: him over there in his box, I want you to 204 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 1: be real clear that you are doing to another woman, 205 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,640 Speaker 1: what another sister, what some sister did to you that 206 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:16,240 Speaker 1: hurts you, that dishonored you, that disrespected you, And now 207 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: you're doing that to somebody else. And yes, you may 208 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: love him, and yes it may feel good, but I 209 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 1: want you to get real clear about what you're doing 210 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:30,840 Speaker 1: to another one. I also want you to be clear 211 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 1: about who this man is. This is a dishonest man 212 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 1: who lacks integrity. And I want you to be real 213 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:42,319 Speaker 1: clear that if he'll do it to her, answers are 214 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: he can do it to you. 215 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 2: That is true. 216 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 1: And you know, when you put that on the table, 217 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: what does it bring up for you? What does it 218 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: feel like? What does it bring to mind for you? 219 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 1: And I'm not in any way saying you have to 220 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: end this, but we're gonna look at it. 221 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:05,439 Speaker 2: Why sure, I mean, and I've thought about this. I mean, 222 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 2: believe me. You know, when when I'm saying, when I'm 223 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 2: talking and it sounds proud like I'm proud of this relationship, 224 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 2: it's not that I'm proud of it by any means. 225 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,760 Speaker 2: Of course. It's a struggle. You know, every single time 226 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 2: when I when we leave each other, right, it's like 227 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 2: you know, we know we're going back to each other's reality, 228 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 2: and I know I'm going back to mind, and I know, 229 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 2: like you know, at times when I can only talk 230 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 2: for him between this time and this time because he's 231 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 2: going to be home, or you know, he's driving in 232 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:36,600 Speaker 2: between places and this is the only chance I get 233 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 2: to talk to him, I have those moments of feeling like, 234 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 2: you know, this is ridiculous, like this isn't I deserve 235 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,640 Speaker 2: more than this than what he's offering. Do you right? 236 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: Do you deserve more? Do you actually believe that you 237 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 1: deserve more? 238 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 2: I believe enough. 239 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 1: Do you believe that you can have more? Do you 240 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,080 Speaker 1: believe that you can have what you have with him 241 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 1: with somebody who's in one hundred percent? 242 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I do believe that, and I believe that 243 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 2: it cannot. 244 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,839 Speaker 1: So why do you accept less? Why do you accept less? 245 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 2: I think because it's convenient for me in the moment, right, 246 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,880 Speaker 2: my guys, I stayed earlier. I travel for works, right, 247 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 2: So I in my mind, what man is gonna want 248 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,200 Speaker 2: his woman to be on the road every week? I travel. Monday, 249 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 2: I travel. I'm on a plane Monday, I'm on a 250 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 2: plane Friday. I have my weekends free. I'm at home 251 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 2: on my weekends and being sing. Well, you know, when 252 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 2: I try to date, like in my city, you know, 253 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 2: it's always an issue. It's always like a concern or 254 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 2: like i'll talk to someone, they're jealous. They're asking me 255 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 2: like what I'm doing or this or that or the other. 256 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:57,440 Speaker 2: So a conventional relationship doesn't work right. 257 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 1: Now, that's what you tell yourself because we're not talking 258 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: about because you can have exactly what you have with 259 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: him with a single man, but you have to believe 260 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: that you can have it with a man who's not 261 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: going home to another woman, who's not sharing his bed 262 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: with another woman, who's not lying to two women, who's 263 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:24,360 Speaker 1: losing his principles. I mean, what does he value? We'll 264 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: talk about that when they come back. Welcome back to 265 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are. 266 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 1: If he values the relationship, If he values the relationship, 267 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 1: he would want it to be of integrity, grounded in principle. 268 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:51,800 Speaker 1: So those are just things to consider, not with him 269 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: in the picture, but with you in the picture and 270 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,880 Speaker 1: the story that you're telling yourself. And for me as 271 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 1: a woman, the the biggest thing is, you know, I 272 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 1: have no heat of judgment on the triangulation of the relationship, 273 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: and if he really wants to do it, why doesn't 274 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: he just come out and tell the truth and have 275 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 1: two women? That's called polygamy. But what do you tell 276 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 1: yourself about the fact that he hasn't left her? 277 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 2: It was never an expectation, you see, Like I know, 278 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,239 Speaker 2: and that's I think that's probably what makes the relationship 279 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,080 Speaker 2: so fluid, and the reason why it's lasts so long 280 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 2: is because I never figured. I never thought that he would. 281 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 2: He never told me he was going to you know, 282 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 2: that was never a thing. It was always you know, 283 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,440 Speaker 2: his words to me when I asked him why, you know, 284 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 2: and he was, just like I, he just didn't want 285 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 2: to miss an opportunity to experience me. 286 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,520 Speaker 1: He's greedy. He's greedy. He's greedy. 287 00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 2: That that part, that part exactly. It definitely be that too. 288 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 2: But I think it was only I think he stilled 289 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 2: a void for me, which, as I said I was speaking, 290 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 2: I was hoping to find this, this this love right, 291 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,159 Speaker 2: and it didn't come in the pretty package that I 292 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 2: expected it to be. 293 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 1: He is occupying a place in your heart that makes 294 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,960 Speaker 1: it impossible for anybody to get in he's got your heart. 295 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: But this is what I want you to think about. 296 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:27,719 Speaker 1: Do you have children. 297 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 2: I do have one son. 298 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: Would you recommend he behaved this way? 299 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,000 Speaker 2: No, I wouldn't. 300 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 1: And if you had a daughter, If you had a daughter, 301 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:46,080 Speaker 1: would you want her to be the side piece the 302 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 1: other woman in a in a in someone's marriage. Is 303 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,400 Speaker 1: this what you would recommend for her? 304 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,200 Speaker 2: That's that's a tough situation, and that's a tough question. 305 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 2: But I mean, of course, my first answer there would 306 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 2: be no, due to society norms, right, due to what 307 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:11,000 Speaker 2: everyone says is what it's supposed to be. But I I. 308 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,359 Speaker 1: But how about how about due to what she's doing 309 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: to another woman? There is a universal law cause and effect, 310 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 1: my love, and this thing is coming, It's gonna come 311 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 1: back around. Yeah, it's back around. And the power of 312 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,840 Speaker 1: it is when you were in the other side, on 313 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: the other side, when the situation was you're the person 314 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,840 Speaker 1: you were with had somebody else and it hurt you 315 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 1: and it devastated you, that was an opportunity for you 316 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 1: to create a boundary of value, a template. I would 317 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,920 Speaker 1: never want another woman to experience this, and I would 318 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: never be the cause of this for another woman, and 319 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,640 Speaker 1: I would demonstrate to my daughter never to do this 320 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 1: to another woman because it's coming back around. I'm telling 321 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,240 Speaker 1: you it's coming back around. So let me ask you, 322 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: what is your what is your vision? Would you want 323 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,560 Speaker 1: him just for yourself, knowing that he lies, he lacks integrity, 324 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: he will cheat. Would you want him for yourself? That 325 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:23,720 Speaker 1: would be a yeah. See, you're hooking it on the personality. 326 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 1: You're hooking it on what it feels like for you. 327 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: He's filling a void for you, which is first of all, 328 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 1: a very poor ground rule for any relationship. If you 329 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,360 Speaker 1: are missing parts and pieces, the worst thing to do 330 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: is to stick another human being in that void. And 331 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: that's what you've done because what you think he's giving 332 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: you is what you need to give to yourself. Because 333 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,879 Speaker 1: the minute he's gone, you know, whether he disappears or 334 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,399 Speaker 1: chooses his wife or slips on the banana peel, the 335 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: minute he's gone, you've got the volie and now you 336 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:05,120 Speaker 1: got the guilt. How long are you going to do this? 337 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,879 Speaker 1: How long do you think he's going to be around? 338 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: And what do you choose? 339 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 2: So, yeah, that's that's that's a strong question. But you know, 340 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:21,840 Speaker 2: I honestly I think that because I've tried to stop 341 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,520 Speaker 2: talking to him. I've tried, you know, in moments of like, 342 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,119 Speaker 2: this isn't right, I can't do this. I need to 343 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,680 Speaker 2: leave him alone. He's no good for me. You know. 344 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 2: I've had those moments, and I've even you know, wrote 345 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,600 Speaker 2: out paragraphs to him, like telling him, like, you know, 346 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 2: it's been great, but I just don't this doesn't serve me, 347 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,720 Speaker 2: you know, all of this. You know, I've had those 348 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,080 Speaker 2: conversations that somehow, you know, we still end up communicating, 349 00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:45,880 Speaker 2: and we still end up getting back on track of 350 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,159 Speaker 2: this this experience because it's it's not it's good, Like 351 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 2: it's hard to leave something that's that's that's that feels good, right, 352 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 2: It's really you have to be really strong to be like, 353 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 2: you know, I don't want this anymore. And but to 354 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,399 Speaker 2: answer the question, I don't know how much longer, but 355 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,719 Speaker 2: I do know that it's not something that I'm going 356 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,840 Speaker 2: to continue for the rest of my life, at least 357 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,320 Speaker 2: I don't think so. I hope not, you know, not going. 358 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:14,080 Speaker 1: But see, you've got to stop. You've got to stop 359 00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: putting it on him, take him out, put him over 360 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,840 Speaker 1: in the cheetahbox. And leave him over there because you're 361 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: saying I need to leave him alone. This isn't right. 362 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: But the real question is is this how I want 363 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: to treat myself? 364 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 2: Rank? 365 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: Is this who I am as a person? Is this 366 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: how I want to show up in the world. Is 367 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,840 Speaker 1: this what I want to do to another woman? Is 368 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,720 Speaker 1: this what I would want another woman to do to me? 369 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: See that puts the responsibility in your lap, not on him. 370 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 1: Forget him. Sure it feels good. You know I love 371 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:04,240 Speaker 1: of Alfredo with angel hair. I love it. I love 372 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 1: that Alfredo, and when I buy it, I can never 373 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 1: eat it all. So I put it in the fridge. 374 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: When I go the next day to heat it up, 375 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 1: and I see how that cheese has coagulated and how 376 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: it's hard and you gotta pull it apart, I say, 377 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 1: this is going on in my belly. You know, I 378 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: love it. It tastes good, but I know that at 379 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 1: my age, this is not a good thing for me. 380 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,960 Speaker 1: So I'm not gonna say I don't eat alfredo. But 381 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,919 Speaker 1: as opposed to eating it every day, I try to 382 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 1: do it maybe once a fiscal quarter. And if there's 383 00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 1: another choice, I get the other choice. I don't do it. 384 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:46,840 Speaker 1: Every day. So take him out of it, belove it, 385 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:51,760 Speaker 1: put you squarely in it. Is this how I want 386 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,360 Speaker 1: to treat myself? Would you let somebody else do this 387 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: to you? 388 00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 2: That's true, you're right, period. And I don't think that 389 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 2: he is the one, right, I just I just enjoy 390 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,399 Speaker 2: him for what he is. 391 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 1: Greedy, greedy. You're greedy, greedy. 392 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:14,399 Speaker 2: It's just so greedy that you know exactly, and it's 393 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:18,240 Speaker 2: you know, it's this is very this is very enlightening 394 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,399 Speaker 2: to me. Actually, I I never even really thought about 395 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 2: it from the perspective that you've given me as far 396 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 2: as like what it's doing for me or to me, right, 397 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,359 Speaker 2: Like I thought about her, I thought about him, I 398 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 2: thought about their family, I thought about you know, all 399 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,480 Speaker 2: of that. But I've never really thought about me. So 400 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:40,400 Speaker 2: that's so. 401 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: Strange, isn't that strange? So you put that special sauce 402 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 1: on your plate and scoop it up with some bread, 403 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,159 Speaker 1: and let's see what you come up with. 404 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,879 Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Good. 405 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:58,639 Speaker 1: Luck to you, Okay, my love, bye bye. If you 406 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:02,000 Speaker 1: think about a television, right, if you're looking at law 407 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,960 Speaker 1: and order, if you're looking at law and order on 408 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,920 Speaker 1: we you don't really know what's going on on Fox 409 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:13,840 Speaker 1: or CNN or MSNBC or CBS. You don't know, So 410 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,960 Speaker 1: you can compartmentalize. You just focus in on law and order. 411 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,439 Speaker 1: But human beings aren't like that. Whatever's going on on 412 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 1: your WEI is going on on your TBS, it's going 413 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,359 Speaker 1: on on your CNN, It's going on on your ESPN. 414 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,400 Speaker 1: As a human being, what's going on on one channel 415 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,959 Speaker 1: is going on on all channels. So if you're denying 416 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,120 Speaker 1: yourself in this area, there are other places you are 417 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: denying yourself Because if you've got a void, beloved, he 418 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,560 Speaker 1: has avoid and if you're using something to fill it, 419 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 1: he's using something to fill it. Because you are not 420 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:52,920 Speaker 1: a television set, you are a human being. Lots going 421 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: on here today at the Rspot as we serve up 422 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: this special sauce with the other woman. Wow, wow, Wow, 423 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 1: I've talked to a lot of other women today. I'm 424 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 1: going to talk to some more right after this break. 425 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to 426 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: the conversation. We are serving up a special sauce today. 427 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: The side piece the other woman. Now, are you the 428 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,879 Speaker 1: other woman? Are you with somebody that has the other woman? 429 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 3: I don't even know what to define it. I guess 430 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:35,280 Speaker 3: I'm not the other woman. But I have been a 431 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 3: friend of someone who is married. We've had such a 432 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:47,680 Speaker 3: encounters for years now. But I've been in a relationship 433 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,920 Speaker 3: for the past eight years. 434 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:49,880 Speaker 2: And. 435 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 3: We scaled it back and everything. He got married, had 436 00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 3: two kids, and now that I've endured this relationship, we're 437 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 3: thinking about having a child together. 438 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,880 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, hold on, are you lost me? Yeah? 439 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,560 Speaker 1: Help me let me draw an Let me get a 440 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: pencil and a piece of paper. I want to I 441 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,199 Speaker 1: want to make a little map. Okay, there's you, right, 442 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:21,280 Speaker 1: and there's him. 443 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 2: I'm not. 444 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: All right you and him? Are you married? 445 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 2: No? 446 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: Okay, not married? I'm making the map. Is he married? 447 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:33,480 Speaker 2: Yes? 448 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:39,360 Speaker 1: Yes, he is married. Okay. Do you have children? 449 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 3: I do, but not with neither of them? 450 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,439 Speaker 1: Okay, neither. Who's the neither? There's somebody else in this picture? 451 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,639 Speaker 3: Yes, I just oh your relationship. 452 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: Other man? Okay, the other man. But you just ended that, yes, 453 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,040 Speaker 1: I think so. 454 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 3: Oh lord, it's very complicated. 455 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's why I needed a map. I'm writing 456 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: it all day out. I can be clear. So let 457 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 1: me let me. I have to get another piece of paper. 458 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: Hold on, a minute, you and I'm going to call 459 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:29,360 Speaker 1: him mister maybe, mister maybe, and then mister married married, okay, 460 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,920 Speaker 1: mister married, all right, so okay. 461 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 3: And mister Mary is one of the best for one now. 462 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:44,280 Speaker 3: He he gives me everything that I want in me 463 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:51,680 Speaker 3: in a relationship. But he's married, and he's like, he's 464 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,160 Speaker 3: my best friend. And I asked him because I do 465 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:59,280 Speaker 3: want more children, and I asked him if he will 466 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 3: be willing to help me with that, and he said. 467 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:05,760 Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my lord, Wait a minute, hold on, mister married, 468 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: mister married one a child okay, confused, conflicted, and I'm 469 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: just a little crazy, but you say the little crazy 470 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: or did that come out of my mouth? 471 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,480 Speaker 3: No, I'm not crazy. 472 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 2: I think you're. 473 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,840 Speaker 1: Making yourself crazy. 474 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:31,399 Speaker 4: Am I am? I'm very right now, wow, because of 475 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:35,639 Speaker 4: the ended the thing we got into an argument and 476 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:39,719 Speaker 4: the things that were said just way too far gone. 477 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,960 Speaker 1: And you and you and mister maybe or mister. 478 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 2: Married, yeah, mister maybe. 479 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,080 Speaker 1: Mister maybe. How long were you with mister. 480 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 2: Maybe eight years? 481 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 1: Eight years? And how long you been with mister married. 482 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 3: Around the same time we all met, around the same time, So. 483 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: You were cheating with mister married when you were with 484 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:05,360 Speaker 1: mister Maybe. 485 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 3: No, he we once I got into my we were 486 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 3: all friends, and once I got into a relationship with Maybe, 487 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,800 Speaker 3: we no longer had any type of sexual relationship with 488 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 3: the married man. He didn't get married till maybe like 489 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 3: a year or two ago, okay, And so I didn't 490 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,840 Speaker 3: have no type of sexual relationship with him. We just 491 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 3: have always been friends and always remained you know, the 492 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,240 Speaker 3: best of friends, and he just he's just there for 493 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 3: me in the capacity that mister Maybe has never been. 494 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,400 Speaker 1: So can I ask you a question, if mister Maybe 495 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 1: may not be gone, why do you want to have 496 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:54,560 Speaker 1: a child with mister married. Why can't you have the 497 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: child with mister Maybe. 498 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 3: Because mister Maybe keeps dragging his feat No, I am not 499 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 3: had I mean like it's the time, Like I don't 500 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 3: have that much time left. He says he wants to, 501 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:14,479 Speaker 3: but he still hasn't made you know, made it happen. 502 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:22,000 Speaker 3: And he just keeps saying, oh, God impregnated me. So 503 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 3: he keeps saying that's God's timing. 504 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 2: But I'm like, I don't. 505 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:32,320 Speaker 3: Want to be fifty having a kid. Will be forty 506 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:37,640 Speaker 3: one six months, and he's dragging his feet. And now 507 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 3: he's talking about he wants to in this relationship. So 508 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 3: if he wants to completely end it, then I would 509 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:50,880 Speaker 3: like to have my bundle of joy blessing with mister Mary. 510 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:55,360 Speaker 1: Let's just nibble on it for a little while. Okay, 511 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,160 Speaker 1: what do you think will happen to mister Maybe when 512 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:02,160 Speaker 1: he finds out you've been impregnated by mister married his friend. 513 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 1: What do you think is going to happen? 514 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 3: Then people be completely serious. But he needs I don't know, 515 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 3: I've never given him an alternatum. 516 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,160 Speaker 1: But the last thing that you need right now in 517 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:25,320 Speaker 1: this level of confusion and conflict and hurt, because if 518 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:29,560 Speaker 1: you get pregnant today or tomorrow, next Tuesday, that baby 519 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: is going to marinate in confusion, conflict, and hurt. 520 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,200 Speaker 2: That is very true. 521 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 1: I want to go back to the original question because 522 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 1: the confusion and the conflict and the hurt that you 523 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: are experiencing has nothing to do with either one of them, really, 524 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: it doesn't. It's about you and what you're telling yourself 525 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:58,240 Speaker 1: and what you're creating within yourself. So my concern not 526 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 1: only having a baby with a married man. Are you 527 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,240 Speaker 1: looking for a sperm donor or do you because do 528 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 1: you expect mister married to be a part of this 529 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,240 Speaker 1: child's life. Are you all trying to be a happy 530 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:13,440 Speaker 1: family or is it that you just want a baby 531 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,760 Speaker 1: because you can get a sperm donor right? 532 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:20,000 Speaker 3: No, the terms where he did not have to be 533 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 3: a part of the child's life at all, and he 534 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,440 Speaker 3: said even one two. But I was like, it's not 535 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 3: it's not a it's not a factor. Like I said, 536 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:35,960 Speaker 3: I do just want the child. 537 00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:40,200 Speaker 1: Well, why why are you making a choice for a 538 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: child to grow up without a father? 539 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 3: I haven't thought about that. 540 00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 1: What if? What if the universe of life? What if 541 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 1: God's source creator is saying, I'm not sending you a 542 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: child into this mess? 543 00:32:55,000 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 2: What if I believe that I truly believe. 544 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 3: I haven't got impregnant. 545 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:11,320 Speaker 1: So why are you insisting? I don't know, we done 546 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,000 Speaker 1: gone on off to the child I don't even know 547 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:18,880 Speaker 1: about Maybe and miss and married we are another realm 548 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,560 Speaker 1: right now? So what are you gonna do with mister Maybe? 549 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,280 Speaker 1: What you're gonna do with mister Maybe? 550 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 3: I'm not sure that he hurts you by the things 551 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,160 Speaker 3: said to me, And that's. 552 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:38,680 Speaker 1: Just such as now, such as the low because that 553 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: may be the key to why you haven't had the child. 554 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,560 Speaker 1: Let's let's let's pick that apart. Let's stir that up 555 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 1: in the soup. 556 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:51,280 Speaker 3: I mean we've had arguments, we've said things. You know, 557 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 3: most of the time, it's always he calls me a victim, 558 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 3: a lie. He said that I'm always being a victim. 559 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:05,480 Speaker 3: He says hurtful things, and then he'll come back and 560 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:09,600 Speaker 3: he said, no, I love you. And this time he 561 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:16,440 Speaker 3: actually told me, he said I can't. He told me 562 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 3: he cann't have to me because he's not attracted to me. 563 00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:23,719 Speaker 3: And it hurt me to my core. 564 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:26,279 Speaker 1: Why did that hurt you to your core? 565 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,759 Speaker 3: It kind of is like, well that why, you know, 566 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 3: we haven't been intimate, and I don't know. He says 567 00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:41,800 Speaker 3: that he sees other women and gets aroused by them, 568 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:47,480 Speaker 3: but by me. He he hasn't. But I don't know. 569 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 3: I think he just said that to got it hurt 570 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,240 Speaker 3: me as bad as he could. 571 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:53,319 Speaker 2: I don't know. 572 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,319 Speaker 1: Well, let's can we pick it. Can we nibble on 573 00:34:56,360 --> 00:35:00,120 Speaker 1: that for a little bit? Why is that hurtful? Why 574 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: is that hurtful? As opposed to valuable information? You've been 575 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:09,160 Speaker 1: with a man for eight years? Do y'all live together? 576 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:10,200 Speaker 1: Did you live together. 577 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:13,719 Speaker 3: No, No, we're in a long distance relationship. 578 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,680 Speaker 1: Okay, So you've been with a man for eight years 579 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:21,239 Speaker 1: and he's not intimate with you, and he's telling you 580 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:25,040 Speaker 1: why he's not intimate with you, even if he loves you. 581 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,680 Speaker 1: I mean, that happens, That does happen? 582 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:29,239 Speaker 3: He said, he does. 583 00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,319 Speaker 1: Look Okay, he loves you, but he's not giving you 584 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,720 Speaker 1: everything that you want in a relationship. 585 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:35,799 Speaker 2: No, he's not. 586 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: He's not attracted to you. That's valuable information. Why are 587 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:41,520 Speaker 1: you hurt by that? 588 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 3: I think he's bipolar, Like he says, one thing, you're making. 589 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: This about him. You're making this about him. I want 590 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,960 Speaker 1: you to keep it on you. You are with a 591 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 1: man who's not attracted to you, and he's a long 592 00:35:54,680 --> 00:36:00,760 Speaker 1: distance man. It's called so long sammy, so long period. 593 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:01,400 Speaker 2: Yeah. 594 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:05,399 Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess I'm ending this like I've told him 595 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:10,000 Speaker 3: it's over, but it's always he pulls me back in 596 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,520 Speaker 3: and then we're starting. 597 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:16,920 Speaker 1: Over, pulls you back in. How it's a long distance 598 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,840 Speaker 1: relationship and y'all are not intimate. What is he pulling 599 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 1: you back into? Does he send you money? Is he 600 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,480 Speaker 1: paying your rent? What is he pulling you into? 601 00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:28,520 Speaker 2: Exactly? 602 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,239 Speaker 3: I don't even know. I think I've just wasted the 603 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:34,240 Speaker 3: last eight years of my life. 604 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,600 Speaker 1: Well, all right, we long distance anyway, How often do 605 00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 1: you see him? 606 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 3: We try to see each other like once a month, 607 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,600 Speaker 3: for like a week or two at a time. 608 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:48,279 Speaker 1: Okay, So you really don't know what he's doing over 609 00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:51,439 Speaker 1: in the distance he's in because if he's not attracted 610 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,279 Speaker 1: to you, he may be attracted to somebody else. But 611 00:36:54,320 --> 00:37:01,520 Speaker 1: that's a whole nother story. Yes, beloved it I yeah, 612 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,359 Speaker 1: your mister married is a cheater period. I don't care 613 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:08,600 Speaker 1: if you got an open marriage. Is that what you 614 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:13,200 Speaker 1: want for yourself? Is that what you want? He can 615 00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 1: be your friend, y'all can talk. You know, if you 616 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:20,600 Speaker 1: want to be friends with benefits, that's your choice. But 617 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: bringing a child into that, I would really encourage you 618 00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:29,680 Speaker 1: and invite you. And I'd also really encourage you and 619 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,440 Speaker 1: invite you to consider that you haven't gotten pregnant in 620 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:36,359 Speaker 1: all of this time, and this may not be the 621 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 1: best time. And really, if you were a little sperm 622 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,360 Speaker 1: and an egg floating around in somebody's body, would you 623 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,440 Speaker 1: want your mother to say I want you and you 624 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,640 Speaker 1: don't have to have a father. Is that what you 625 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:53,880 Speaker 1: would want somebody to say for you, no, tell me 626 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:56,960 Speaker 1: something you're going to think about now as a result 627 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,480 Speaker 1: of this conversation, because I mean, you're going to do 628 00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:01,880 Speaker 1: whatever you want want to do, but tell me something 629 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:05,799 Speaker 1: you're gonna think about, and maybe consider going. 630 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:12,920 Speaker 3: Forward considering myself and try to focus on myself. I 631 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,680 Speaker 3: think that's what I really need right now. 632 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:19,759 Speaker 1: I would encourage you to really investigate the confusion and 633 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:24,200 Speaker 1: the conflict and instead of thinking that you spent eight years, 634 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,400 Speaker 1: you wasted eight years with mister maybe, I would encourage 635 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:31,440 Speaker 1: you to get clear about what you want and maybe 636 00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: have a relationship with somebody that lives within driving distance 637 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:38,040 Speaker 1: as opposed to long distance. 638 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,160 Speaker 3: I'm gonna stay away from him, well. 639 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,920 Speaker 1: I hope so. And I hope as you stay away 640 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:48,120 Speaker 1: from him that you consider just being friends with mister married. 641 00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:49,479 Speaker 2: Yeah. 642 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:52,239 Speaker 3: I think I am. 643 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:54,160 Speaker 1: All right, my darling. Thank you for calling. I wish 644 00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,040 Speaker 1: you the best. I wish you the best. 645 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:57,520 Speaker 3: You appreciate your time. 646 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:05,720 Speaker 1: Okay, Bye, bye life. What a tangle web we weed 647 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:10,640 Speaker 1: when we are confused, and the web gets even more 648 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:14,400 Speaker 1: tangled when we are in conflict, and the conflict is 649 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:20,479 Speaker 1: warning something we can't have or settling for something that's 650 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:25,880 Speaker 1: less than we want. In relationships, whether it's a cheating relationship, 651 00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 1: or you're cheating, you're being cheated on, you're the object 652 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:34,399 Speaker 1: being cheated with. In any kind of relationship, those three 653 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:37,680 Speaker 1: things are going on. We are settling for less than 654 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:41,240 Speaker 1: we want. We don't believe we can have what we want, 655 00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,520 Speaker 1: and we're accepting what shows up because either we think 656 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,719 Speaker 1: we don't deserve it or we're not worthy. It's a 657 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,960 Speaker 1: tango tangled web. I hope that you know something now 658 00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:57,280 Speaker 1: that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until 659 00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:06,040 Speaker 1: we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The 660 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:10,120 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 661 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:15,279 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 662 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:20,040 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 663 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:20,920 Speaker 1: favorite shows.