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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.

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Speaker 2: Lily Womble is a feminist dating coach, the founder and

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Speaker 2: CEO of Date Brasen, and the author of the upcoming

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Speaker 2: book Thank You More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking

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Speaker 2: Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love. I love that title

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Speaker 2: about dumb dating rules, because aren't they stupid?

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Speaker 3: So dumb? Oh my godness, oh dumb.

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Speaker 2: Lily, thank you so much for being here.

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Speaker 3: I'm so excited to be here. Kelly.

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Speaker 2: We were just talking. We are both Southern girls, and

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Speaker 2: I said, you know, the dating world is different for

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Speaker 2: us Southern girls. Have you felt that? I know? Now

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Speaker 2: you live in New York City, right, I.

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Speaker 3: Live in New York. Now. I don't know if me

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Speaker 3: and my husband love relieve. We live in Brooklyn. We

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Speaker 3: love it. But he's from Texas as well. So I

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Speaker 3: married a Southern man, and I knew that I wanted

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Speaker 3: to find somebody who was connected to his family and

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Speaker 3: who had like the warmth that I remember growing up,

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Speaker 3: but who had chosen to live in New York. So

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Speaker 3: I think, I mean, I don't know what your perspective is,

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Speaker 3: but I grew up watching the women around me dying

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Speaker 3: on the vines, like older women, moms, dying on the

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Speaker 3: vines of unfulfilling marriages. Like I just was watching this

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Speaker 3: and the whole like you know, Southern thing. And maybe

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Speaker 3: it's not just I don't think it's just Southern, but

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Speaker 3: it's so prominent there with the church culture and the

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Speaker 3: Deep South like Bible Belt culture of you know, a

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Speaker 3: woman needs to be subservient to her husband, which I

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Speaker 3: really as a feminist, I would go to these weddings

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Speaker 3: as a child, Kelly and look around and be like,

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Speaker 3: oh no, no, oh no, no, I don't know about this.

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Speaker 3: I don't think that this is healthy for anybody right here. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: so it definitely And then going to school in Mississippi

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Speaker 3: for college and being in a sorority for a couple

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Speaker 3: of years and then quitting. I talk about that in

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Speaker 3: the book, like how that like ended in a fiery

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Speaker 3: hellscape because I realized that this this is some more

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Speaker 3: conservative organization and that I didn't belong really. Yeah, so yeah,

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Speaker 3: being a Southern woman definitely informs everything that I talk

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Speaker 3: about in the dating world.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, we mentioned now that you're the founder of

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Speaker 2: dating brazen, and so I want to you are here,

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Speaker 2: of course to talk about Valentine's Day, because this podcast

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Speaker 2: is going to be released on Valentine's Day, so we

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Speaker 2: have a lot of good nuggets for you guys on that.

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Speaker 2: But I want to talk about the work you're doing

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Speaker 2: now and kind of give the listeners a little bit

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Speaker 2: of a background. So you just said you're from the South,

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Speaker 2: you moved to New York City, you were a matchmaker?

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Speaker 2: Am I getting this right? Okay? I Actually it's so

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Speaker 2: fun because I don't meet a lot of matchmakers, but

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Speaker 2: I know these exist in the world and they're so helpful.

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Speaker 2: But then take it from there, how did your journey

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Speaker 2: come unfold?

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Speaker 3: So the well being of women and girls has always

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Speaker 3: been my heart and my purpose, and I sort of

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Speaker 3: randomly I needed a side hustle in New York because

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Speaker 3: I needed to make ends meet, as you do, and

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Speaker 3: I landed at this national matchmaking firm. Of I thought

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Speaker 3: it would be hilarious, sorry about the Brooklyn noise outside.

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Speaker 3: I thought it would be a hilarious story about how

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Speaker 3: I was once a matchmaker. And then I got into

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Speaker 3: this job and I realized that number one, I was

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Speaker 3: really good at it, Kelly brag I became the third

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Speaker 3: most successful out of one hundred and sixty matchmakers at

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Speaker 3: this firm. And yeah, and I had hundreds of clients.

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Speaker 3: I was having thousands of phone calls with potential dates

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Speaker 3: for my clients. I mean, I learned so much. I learned. Also,

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Speaker 3: I think the most important lesson that I learned was

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Speaker 3: that dating was a microcosm of our well being as

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Speaker 3: human beings and especially as women. So dating is you

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Speaker 3: know how some people treat dating as like, oh, you'll

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Speaker 3: figure it out, like it's kind of frickless. Being sure,

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Speaker 3: it is kind of privolous, But I saw that it

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Speaker 3: was every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that we

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Speaker 3: have as humans.

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Speaker 2: So I saw true.

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Speaker 3: Dating is this portal if I could help someone with

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Speaker 3: their dating life, yeah, well feel free, have agency, then

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Speaker 3: I can help them be well in their life period.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 3: So at that point I was like, oh, I kind

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Speaker 3: of like working in the dating space, but in my

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Speaker 3: own personal life, my love life was a dumpster fire.

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Speaker 2: Isn't it funny? It's like the things we can't do

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Speaker 2: we're teaching. But then you're like, wait a second, what's.

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Speaker 3: It's sort of the guy who felt like I had

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Speaker 3: a split personality. I would be on with my matchmaking clients,

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Speaker 3: be like, you deserve so much more, and then on

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Speaker 3: my own personal life, I would be like crying in

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Speaker 3: the bathroom of my then boyfriend's apartment, like silently and

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Speaker 3: and you know it, just I did not receive any

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Speaker 3: of the care or love that I wanted, but I

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Speaker 3: firmly am growing up in the Deep South, I wonder

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Speaker 3: if you can resonate or relate. I believed that I

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Speaker 3: was too much. Yeah, too intense, too bossy, too much

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Speaker 3: of a leader, too loud, too sensitive, and so I

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Speaker 3: was dating to like prove that story wrong. But in

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Speaker 3: doing so, I was attracting people who believed I was

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Speaker 3: too much because that's what I believed that I.

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Speaker 2: Was worth exactly. And they always talk about the mirroring thing.

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Speaker 2: We talk about that a lot on the podcast, Like

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Speaker 2: you're gonna draw in whatever it is, your soul is

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Speaker 2: ready to heal, and so you obviously were being ready

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Speaker 2: to recognize that in yourself and move past it. I

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Speaker 2: love that. So once you have this realization, though, then

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Speaker 2: what happens.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, So after a too long in that

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Speaker 3: relationship and I talk about all of the details in

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Speaker 3: my book of like really being in that relationship and matchmaking.

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Speaker 3: At the same time, I was about a after a year,

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Speaker 3: no longer willing to live in dissonance anymore. I just

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Speaker 3: felt so much cognitive dissonance. My brain was fighting itself

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Speaker 3: all the time. My parents were getting a divorce at

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Speaker 3: the same time. Uh. And so I got to this

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Speaker 3: breaking point where I told my therapist, like, I'm no

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Speaker 3: longer willing to live out of alignment and I need

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Speaker 3: to learn how to never settle again because this has

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Speaker 3: been my pattern, and I didn't know how to fix

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Speaker 3: that pattern. And I looked around for help. When I,

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Speaker 3: you know, courageously broke it off with that person with

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Speaker 3: the help of my therapist, I looked around for help.

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Speaker 3: My therapist hadn't dated in thirty years. She didn't know

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Speaker 3: what to tell me. My friends just told me to

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Speaker 3: download another dating app, just play the numbers game. Are

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Speaker 3: you sure you're not being too picky? Okay, that's not

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Speaker 3: going to work. Then I looked at matchmaking, which can

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Speaker 3: be a good solution for some people, but I needed

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Speaker 3: something so much deeper than a first date. Yeah, and

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Speaker 3: so I started to build my own solution. About seven

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Speaker 3: years ago, started to coach myself. I started to get

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Speaker 3: beneath the surface of the your too much story. I

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Speaker 3: started to practice self compassion for the first time. I

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Speaker 3: started to own my essence based preferences, something that I

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Speaker 3: was helping my matchmaking clients do for themselves, but I

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Speaker 3: hadn't done for myself. And so the magic that happened

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Speaker 3: is that I started feeling free and joyful in my

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Speaker 3: dating life. I started feeling flirty. I started giving my

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Speaker 3: number to cute waiters. I started like I at that

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Speaker 3: point came out as bisexual to my family and friends.

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Speaker 3: I was like coming into this version of myself that

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Speaker 3: felt so authentic and aligned. And then I started coaching

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Speaker 3: my matchmaking clients and they started to find better dates

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Speaker 3: and relationships for themselves than I or anybody else could

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Speaker 3: find for them. So the bonus that happened is a

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Speaker 3: few months later, I ended up meeting the love of

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Speaker 3: my life, my now husband, Chris, on a rooftop and

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Speaker 3: we've been together for the last six years. And six

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Speaker 3: years ago, I broke up with matchmaking to start date Brazen.

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Speaker 3: So now I get to help feminist humans build dating lives.

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Speaker 3: That are joyful and that lead to the right relationship.

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Speaker 2: When you say that you saw your matchmaking clients helping

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Speaker 2: themselves through their dating patterns, what does that mean?

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Speaker 3: What do you mean by well, I was like coaching them.

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Speaker 3: So I was like coaching them through how can you

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Speaker 3: overcome the paralyzing fear of being rejected? You're like, it

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Speaker 3: is a pretty pretty crucial How can you own your

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Speaker 3: preferences and just start asking for more out out Like

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Speaker 3: it's so simple seeming, but because as women, especially or

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Speaker 3: people socialized as women, we are socialized to want less,

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Speaker 3: be less, shrink, it can be very counterintuitive feeling to

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Speaker 3: start taking up more space in your romantic life, especially

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Speaker 3: if you haven't had much success before. So they started

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Speaker 3: to like make eye contact with people on the subway,

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Speaker 3: like ask people out, and like go be bold and

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Speaker 3: brave out in the real world. They didn't need necessarily

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Speaker 3: somebody setting them up on a date anymore, you know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So that's so interesting. So when you're getting to

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Speaker 2: the root of why, like you're driven by the things

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Speaker 2: you're driven by, you almost don't need the extra piece

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Speaker 2: at the end where they, like you're saying to get

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Speaker 2: set up on a date like you have to build

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Speaker 2: your own confidence, in your own understanding of self, and

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Speaker 2: then all of a sudden, the world completely opens up.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. And not to knock anybody who has loved matchmaking,

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Speaker 3: it just for me. I wanted to help people become

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Speaker 3: their own expert matchmaker in that way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So Brazen is now more of the coaching aspect

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Speaker 2: of that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's all coaching. I have hundreds of clients, about

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Speaker 3: one hundred act clients in my program, the Brazen Breakthrough

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Speaker 3: Right Now and the book Thank You More Please, is

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Speaker 3: my proven process, like step by step from unpacking past

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Speaker 3: patterns that are haunting you, to detoxing from dating apps

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Speaker 3: and really detoxing from toxic patriarchal dating culture, to then

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Speaker 3: owning all of your preferences and starting to date in

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Speaker 3: person with main character energy and online with main character

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Speaker 3: energy so that you can make the right relationship inevitable.

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Speaker 3: So my program I coach people through is also exactly

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Speaker 3: what's in the book, which is why I'm so excited.

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Speaker 2: The book is great, you guys. I got a pre

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Speaker 2: coopy and I've been reading it and I love it.

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Speaker 2: And I was telling Lily, it's so great because so

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Speaker 2: many times in this dating culture, it's like all of

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Speaker 2: these rules are all of these things that are just

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Speaker 2: so complex that I think a lot of people just

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Speaker 2: can't fully grasp it or understand it or even apply

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Speaker 2: it to their lives. And these are such tangible tips

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Speaker 2: and they're also it's probably because it's spoken from experience,

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Speaker 2: which to me is always the best kind of information

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Speaker 2: to get because you're like, you've lived it, you have

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Speaker 2: a success story, and also you've just learned about yourself

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Speaker 2: in the process. So she really speaks from that voice. So,

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Speaker 2: as I said to you before the podcast, we'll have

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Speaker 2: to have you back on when the book comes out

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Speaker 2: to really dissect the book. Today, we got to dive

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Speaker 2: into Valentine's Day.

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Speaker 3: Let's get into it. We got we gotta help people,

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Speaker 3: Let's let.

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Speaker 2: Us get into it. I feel like when I was

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Speaker 2: thinking about this podcast and having this conversation with you specifically,

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Speaker 2: I was like, she's gonna understand my gripes about Valentine's Day,

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Speaker 2: Like I hate Valentine's Day. I think it's so stupid.

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Speaker 2: Can we do like an overall understanding of why why

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Speaker 2: do we make Valentine's Day such a big deal? In

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Speaker 2: this culture.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I have such hot takes on this.

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Speaker 2: Kelly, Okay, I can't wait.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So if we do a macro look at why

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Speaker 3: as women or people socialized as women or people in

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Speaker 3: why do we play so much emphasis on romantic relationship

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Speaker 3: as the gold standard of human.

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Speaker 2: Existence and happiness and happiness? Yeah, like you nuke. It's

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Speaker 2: like almost like in our culture, people cannot accept that

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Speaker 2: you might be okay if you're not in a relationship.

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Speaker 3: One of my clients said it so beautifully. She was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm treated as if I'm pathetic for wanting a relationship

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Speaker 3: and pathetic for not having had one already.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 3: So it's this double bind. So I think that just

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Speaker 3: like bringing awareness, it can bring some comfort. I think

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Speaker 3: to just bring some awareness to the societal pressure at

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Speaker 3: play that has nothing to do with you or your worthiness.

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Speaker 3: Because I don't think that a romantic relationship is a

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Speaker 3: marker of value. But the world treats couple people as

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Speaker 3: a head of single people. Oh and I think that

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Speaker 3: that's BS. I don't think that that's true at all.

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Speaker 2: Well, I feel like this Taylor Swift Travis Kelsey thing

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Speaker 2: is the perfect exam get into it. Well, it's just like,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, guys, are we going to stop talking about this? Ever?

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Speaker 2: This is like showing me just how almost love addicted

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Speaker 2: our society is because we're so wrapped up and just

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Speaker 2: obsessing over this fantasy relationship that we know nothing about

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Speaker 2: and the fairy tale of it. You know. It's like

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Speaker 2: it's almost like maybe it's people need the hope of

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Speaker 2: it so much, which makes me really sad about what's

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Speaker 2: going on behind the scenes of everyone's lives.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And it's a hard both and I'm

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Speaker 3: a big proponent of the both and right either or

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Speaker 3: would say the either orer might say like, either I

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Speaker 3: want a relationship and then I'm desperate, or I'm fine

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Speaker 3: being single and I don't want a relationship at all,

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Speaker 3: which could be a denial of a deeper desire for

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Speaker 3: the partnership. Right, So a both and coming in the

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Speaker 3: middle could sound like for individuals struggling on this Valentine's

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Speaker 3: Day and you've got me in my southern accent now

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Speaker 3: not usually brought it out and struggling struggling Yep, yep,

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Speaker 3: you totally did. But I love it. So the both

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Speaker 3: and would sound like I want a relationship and it's

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Speaker 3: not here yet, and sometimes that can feel crappy, and

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Speaker 3: there's so much more to my life than this one

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Speaker 3: piece of it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I agree with that completely, and I think

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Speaker 2: that it's great. Like I mean, I obviously have lived

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Speaker 2: in a place where I've been single. Listeners know this

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Speaker 2: for a while, and I really definitely want a partnership,

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Speaker 2: but I also don't want to settle, and so in

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Speaker 2: the meantime, I'm building the life that I want, doing

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Speaker 2: the things that make myself happy. But then there are

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Speaker 2: days like today Valentine's Day, where I think you kind

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Speaker 2: of start to question yourself a little bit, or you know,

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Speaker 2: the things come up where you're like, everyone has these plans.

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Speaker 2: I gotta make plans because if I sit at home

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Speaker 2: by myself, I might be sad. So let's talk a

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Speaker 2: little bit. We kind of touched on the v days scam.

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Speaker 2: But what do you think the veto scam really is?

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Speaker 3: It is go spend money. I mean, that's the thing.

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Speaker 3: It's like that the the the wolve's been pulled over

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Speaker 3: our eyes. You know, it's not really about it's not

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Speaker 3: really about love and connection. I don't think in the

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Speaker 3: in the cultural narrative, it's about have it. It's about

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Speaker 3: going and spending money at a beautiful restaurant and buying

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Speaker 3: gifts so that you stimulate the economy. I think that

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Speaker 3: that's also why people that like top down are pressured

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Speaker 3: into getting married and having babies, so that like we

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Speaker 3: keep the we keep the status quo going of all this.

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Speaker 3: So I think just saying like, very similar to you know,

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Speaker 3: the pressure on TikTok that I've experienced sometimes to spend

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Speaker 3: money to live a certain lifestyle right right, that that

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Speaker 3: then creates more stress when I can just neutralize all

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Speaker 3: of it and be like what do I actually want,

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Speaker 3: what do I actually need? And strip away the noise.

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Speaker 3: I think that very similarly, dating apps are you know

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Speaker 3: that they're like quippy to designed to be deleted. Messages

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Speaker 3: of them all would have us all believing that dating

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Speaker 3: ass are on these streets to actually help people, when

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Speaker 3: in actuality they're original. Their deeper intention is to make

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Speaker 3: money because they're a you know, a company that is

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Speaker 3: owned by match Group, tender Hinge, not Bumble, but all

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Speaker 3: the rest of them to make money for the shareholders.

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Speaker 3: So really like stripping away the facade of these different

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Speaker 3: pieces of the dating world, Valentine's Day dating apps, to

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Speaker 3: really see beneath the surface and see like, Okay, what's

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Speaker 3: the intention of these structures or holidays quote unquote, and

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Speaker 3: how can I create meaning for me and create what

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Speaker 3: I want for me? For example, for Valentine's Day? If

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Speaker 3: you have this craving for love and connection, then how

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Speaker 3: can you create that now people in your life now? Right?

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Speaker 3: If you want to find the right partnership, how can

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Speaker 3: you not look to a dating app to solve that problem?

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Speaker 3: What if you just said, like, how can I how

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Speaker 3: can I be in control of this tool, you know,

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Speaker 3: and not be taken advantage of by a dating app

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Speaker 3: or the V day myth?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean if you're a manifestor or anyone that's

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Speaker 2: like a big proponent of energy, that is what they

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Speaker 2: say to do, right, to create the feelings that you

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Speaker 2: want for your future, for your relationships in your life currently.

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Speaker 2: So I love that to just like find the connection,

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Speaker 2: find the love. It doesn't have to mean that you

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Speaker 2: don't have that in your life in other areas just

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Speaker 2: because you're not in a relationship.

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Speaker 3: Tell me about Kelly, are you willing to kind of

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Speaker 3: ask you a question based on something you just said, sure, no,

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Speaker 3: I'm just curious. You said something that was like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I wonder what you mean. Okay, you said, I'm starting

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Speaker 3: to have pressure or like around Valentine's Day, like some

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Speaker 3: I'm afraid to be sad, or like the like deeper

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Speaker 3: stories that feel like, oh that's that story is not fun?

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Speaker 3: What were you thinking of? Like what trying of thought?

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Speaker 2: I said that. I actually don't remember when I said that,

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Speaker 2: but I do think that in the past I could

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Speaker 2: say that there's been like I'm actually content in my

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Speaker 2: life right now, so I don't feel this, but in

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Speaker 2: other times of my life I have definitely felt and

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Speaker 2: this was a little bit when I was younger, still

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Speaker 2: kind of unraveling some of the Southern programming. I think

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Speaker 2: I'm just feeling like a failure on this kind of

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Speaker 2: day if I didn't have this perfect relationship, and actually

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Speaker 2: that this is the perfect transition into what I wanted

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Speaker 2: to talk about next, which is the comparison game, because

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Speaker 2: I think it can go so many ways, right like,

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Speaker 2: if you're single, you're comparing yourself to your friends and relationships,

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Speaker 2: or you can be in a relationship and you're still

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Speaker 2: on days like today, like, well, shit, her boyfriend took

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Speaker 2: her to this really nice state restaurant and we went

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Speaker 2: to Chipotle. Like it's like just constant comparison. And I

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Speaker 2: think that one of my narratives that I've had to

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Speaker 2: let go of is like this picture perfect Southern old

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Speaker 2: of getting married by this certain age having kids. My

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Speaker 2: life has just played out differently and now I'm really happy.

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Speaker 2: But at the time of releasing all that programming, it

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Speaker 2: was really hard. On days like today.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that comparison is so hard because it

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Speaker 3: feels like the truth, the capital T truth, that you

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Speaker 3: are behind or that you somehow are broken, Like, though,

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Speaker 3: what's happening in the brain. Let's just look at like

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Speaker 3: why your brain might be serving you those thoughts. Okay,

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Speaker 3: it's The function is self protection. The function is reshearsing

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Speaker 3: tragedy so that you remain in your safe zone because

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Speaker 3: it feels much more vulnerable to open up to hope,

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Speaker 3: oh my possibility.

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Speaker 2: That just like blew my mind a little bit because

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Speaker 2: it's so true, isn't it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, the function of comparison is safety.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I always say this on the podcast. Our brains

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Speaker 2: are doing everything they can do constantly to keep us safe.

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Speaker 2: Like all of our trick all the things we're worried about,

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Speaker 2: it's just our brain trying to keep us safe, which

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Speaker 2: is really actually nice.

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Speaker 3: Well, it's that earnest like little person in us, the

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Speaker 3: little version of us who like literally couldn't advocate. I

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Speaker 3: think about my little self, you know, and not having

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Speaker 3: the language or the emotional maturity to describe what I

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Speaker 3: wanted or what I needed and not getting my needs met. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: And so the response to that was try to control

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Speaker 3: things or trying to perform in order to feel valuable

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Speaker 3: or you know, trading vulnerability for like I can be

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Speaker 3: vulnerable with you and then you can like me more. Right,

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Speaker 3: Like I was doing my best to survive. And so

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Speaker 3: if you look at if if you look at today,

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Speaker 3: and if you're feeling comparison with other people who are coupled,

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Speaker 3: really acknowledging that that's just a younger version of yourself

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Speaker 3: who just wants to be safe, and having compassion for

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Speaker 3: that version of yourself, compassion for her, and saying like,

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Speaker 3: because self compassion will stop comparison in its tracks. Self

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Speaker 3: compassion is not just like going easy on yourself. This

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Speaker 3: is something that I love talking about in my work

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Speaker 3: and my programs in my book, because self compassion is

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Speaker 3: not just like a fluffy thing to scientifically proven resource.

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Speaker 3: Twenty fourteen study out of Stanford found that self compassion

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Speaker 3: is a force that reduces cortisol, so reduces stress and

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Speaker 3: increases resiliency, two things that you definitely need to move

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Speaker 3: through any comparison spiral right, because what's happening is that

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Speaker 3: you get stuck in the idea that it's a fact

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Speaker 3: and you want to be safe. Then you're trying to

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Speaker 3: fix it when in actuality, to fix it, what you

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Speaker 3: need to do is stop and offer yourself self compassion,

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Speaker 3: which I can share like is three concrete things because

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Speaker 3: sometimes people are like, do self compassion and they're like, okay, how.

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Speaker 2: Like what does that look like? Yeah, okay, so give

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Speaker 2: some great things. I love that. The thing I want

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Speaker 2: to repeat that self compassion will stop comparison in its tracks.

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Speaker 2: If I was obrah, I would be like, that is

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Speaker 2: a tweetable moment if I've ever heard one, you know,

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Speaker 2: that is such a statement. I love that. Okay, now

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Speaker 2: go ahead.

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Speaker 3: Amazing, Okay, so first you know, level set, put your

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Speaker 3: hands somewhere compassionate. That's not one of the steps. It's

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Speaker 3: just like a you know, a thing to do when

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Speaker 3: you're getting ready, on your heart, on your belly, on

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Speaker 3: your lap, like put your hands on your and then

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Speaker 3: like unclench as much as you can in your physical body. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: the three steps which I am interpreting and I'm adapting

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Speaker 3: from doctor Kristen Neft's work who wrote the book Self

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Speaker 3: Compassion and as a Ted talk star. You know, so

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Speaker 3: number one kindness over judgment. So to me, that sounds like,

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Speaker 3: of course I'm struggling, right, of course, of course I

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Speaker 3: feel a comparison. Of course in step trying to fix it,

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Speaker 3: be like, shut up, be quiet, don't don't think that way,

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Speaker 3: Be like, of course I'm struggling right now. That makes

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Speaker 3: total sense. Give yourself the benefit of your context. I

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Speaker 3: was raised in the South. I was taught that a

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Speaker 3: romantic relationship meant that you were more worthy of of

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Speaker 3: course I'm struggling with this day. Number one kindness. Number

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Speaker 3: two community over isolation. That looks like getting your butt

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Speaker 3: with people that love you, like even mentally imagining yourself

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Speaker 3: surrounded by people that love you, or you know, calling

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Speaker 3: a friend. And that's why I do all of my

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Speaker 3: group all of my coaching in groups, because belonging is

433
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,280
Speaker 3: a subtle proofing force. When you get in community, it

434
00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 3: is an actively settle proofing force because if you're stuck

435
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:36,920
Speaker 3: in comparison, comparison bee creates more isolation. It's like, I'm

436
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,280
Speaker 3: the only one I'm broken, I believe, And then that

437
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 3: isolation is a version of small settling that I've seen

438
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,080
Speaker 3: in my own story and other people stories leads you

439
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:49,919
Speaker 3: big settling down the road, you know. So to really

440
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,400
Speaker 3: solve for that isolation, you got to get in community

441
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,200
Speaker 3: and belonging, even mentally if you can't be with somebody

442
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 3: physically in the moment. The third and final way to

443
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,920
Speaker 3: practice self compassion is to notice thoughts not facts, so

444
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 3: to even like, jot down on paper, here are the

445
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:09,360
Speaker 3: thoughts my brain is having. So many people avoid acknowledging

446
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,360
Speaker 3: the comparison thoughts because they're afraid that it makes them

447
00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:16,160
Speaker 3: more true, or that it will like you know, be like,

448
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,960
Speaker 3: it'll make it a confirmation. But if you just write

449
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,000
Speaker 3: down what your brain's thinking and be like, ooh, these

450
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 3: are really hard thoughts and they're not facts. It's not

451
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,639
Speaker 3: a fact that I'm broken. It's not a fact that

452
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:30,399
Speaker 3: I'm actually behind and just then go through the self

453
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 3: compassion again, the kindness, the community, and then the thoughts

454
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,520
Speaker 3: not facts that stops comparison in its tracks.

455
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 2: It is so true about writing things down because so

456
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:43,280
Speaker 2: often when I write down exactly what's happening in my brain, immediately,

457
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 2: just like you said, you're like, wait, that's not true.

458
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,880
Speaker 2: Like it's like you just have to see it sometimes

459
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,440
Speaker 2: because if you leave it in the head, you got

460
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:50,879
Speaker 2: to like process it out, because if you leave it

461
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 2: in your head, like my head can get real dangerous,

462
00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 2: you know, like the hamster I will just take me

463
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,399
Speaker 2: eight hundred miles down the road of something that is

464
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,679
Speaker 2: not actually ever even true. So I love that writing

465
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 2: it down one of the other pieces of the comparison, though,

466
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 2: I think that can kind of get triggered, or I've

467
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 2: noticed this with my friend groups is like that thing

468
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,800
Speaker 2: where all your friends are asking, well, what are your plans?

469
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,160
Speaker 2: Or like you go see your grandmother and the first

470
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 2: question is, well are you dating anyone? You know, Like

471
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:23,880
Speaker 2: it's just this constant thing about what does your dating

472
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,399
Speaker 2: life look like? What is your then relationship look like?

473
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 2: When you get in one? When are you gonna have

474
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,720
Speaker 2: a baby, when are you gonna like all the stuff?

475
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,320
Speaker 2: And so I love that you have started talking about

476
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:39,920
Speaker 2: boundaries around your dating life and your relationships, having that

477
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 2: with just your nosy friends and family or anything like that.

478
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 2: So one, why do you think that it's important to

479
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,760
Speaker 2: have boundaries around that? And then two how do we

480
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 2: do it?

481
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 3: What is happening when you're asking for advice? Like, there

482
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 3: are a couple different areas, one being you're asking for

483
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 3: advice from your loved ones and relatives who you know

484
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 3: can't really help you in the way you need or

485
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,000
Speaker 3: want to be helped. Right, Yeah, you know what your

486
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,720
Speaker 3: aunt is gonna say, you know what your friend is

487
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 3: gonna say. They're gonna say it happens when you least

488
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 3: expect it, or they're gonna say, are you sure you're

489
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 3: not giving them too few chances or whatever. You know

490
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,960
Speaker 3: it's not gonna work out, but you ask because you're

491
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 3: earnestly trying to build like some sort of community. You're

492
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 3: trying to figure it out, and maybe your brain is thinking, well,

493
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,239
Speaker 3: they're in a relationship, so they must know something that

494
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:33,760
Speaker 3: I don't know. False, it's false, Like just because somebody's

495
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,000
Speaker 3: in a relationship does not mean they are qualified to

496
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 3: give you dating advice, okay.

497
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 2: Man to that truly, Oh my god.

498
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,439
Speaker 3: And then what also might be happening is you know

499
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,400
Speaker 3: you are when somebody asks are you still single? Or

500
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 3: why are you? How is your dating life going? You

501
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,840
Speaker 3: might be sent into a shame spiral. Yes, is part

502
00:25:54,880 --> 00:26:00,919
Speaker 3: of you is fearful that something is wrong? Yeah, So

503
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 3: in both of those scenarios, I think there's an external

504
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:08,200
Speaker 3: boundary to be set and an internal boundary to be set. Okay,

505
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,199
Speaker 3: the external boundary with other people who are nosy or

506
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,399
Speaker 3: who are trying to give you advice and you're like,

507
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,880
Speaker 3: you gotta say I've got this.

508
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 2: Okay, So the cost.

509
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 3: The confidence, the the you know what, dating is hard,

510
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 3: and I'm getting support for like I feel better than

511
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,320
Speaker 3: I ever have about it, or I'm getting help with

512
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,960
Speaker 3: like somebody who knows what they're talking about, like you can.

513
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:35,880
Speaker 3: You don't even have to give them that. You could

514
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,360
Speaker 3: just say I've got this and thanks for your concern

515
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 3: and then go get support in an aligned space with

516
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 3: somebody that you really trust or a coach or a

517
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 3: therapist so that you can be supported because it's a

518
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,879
Speaker 3: very tender thing asking for help with your dating life.

519
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,720
Speaker 3: And I want people who are asking for help to

520
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 3: be asking from people who are aligned with their values.

521
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 3: I don't want there to be you know, somebody given

522
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:03,159
Speaker 3: you dating advice who just tells you to be less picky.

523
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 3: That's not in alignment with your power. So that's the

524
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:06,719
Speaker 3: external boundary.

525
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,120
Speaker 2: Go ahead, Yeah, I was to say in the book,

526
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 2: you even say like you were asking your friends for

527
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 2: dating advice, and it's like the blind leading the blind,

528
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 2: and I'm like, right, yes, Like why are we thinking

529
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,680
Speaker 2: that my friend who's struggling with dating two has any

530
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 2: more information than I do?

531
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, And then you can get into the negative

532
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 3: spiral of conversation with your single friends, which then only

533
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 3: increases the confirmation bias of it is hopeless, it won't work.

534
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,200
Speaker 3: So there's a lot going on there to set boundaries

535
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 3: around the internal boundary, especially if you get sent into

536
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 3: a shame spiral when you get asked about this is

537
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,240
Speaker 3: reminding yourself. This is a feeling, it's not a fact.

538
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 3: I am like, the shame is trying to tell you

539
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 3: like you're broken, you're something to fix. Just reminding yourself, WHOA,

540
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,880
Speaker 3: that's a really hard feeling. It's not a fact. I'm

541
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 3: willing to feel anything to be with you.

542
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: To be with yourself?

543
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:01,480
Speaker 3: Is that what to be yourself?

544
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:01,960
Speaker 2: Yeah?

545
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 3: Okay, because and that's a quote from Simone Soul, who's

546
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,320
Speaker 3: a coach I love, but and I talk about this

547
00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 3: in the book, but the shame spiral continues. Let's just

548
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,960
Speaker 3: put you in your grandma's house and she asks about

549
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 3: your dating life, why are you still single? Whatever? And

550
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:20,640
Speaker 3: then your body goes into like five flight freezer fawn mode.

551
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 3: Basically you're in a shame spiral. You're like, oh my god,

552
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:24,919
Speaker 3: I don't want to talk about this and it's not

553
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 3: going well and how can she tell? And I don't

554
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 3: know what to do? And maybe there is something work

555
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,480
Speaker 3: with me. The way to stop shame in its tracks

556
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,439
Speaker 3: is to give yourself permission to feel it and to

557
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 3: let it pass instead of avoiding it for fear that

558
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,520
Speaker 3: it's going to last forever. I do this in my

559
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 3: own life so regularly when I have a moment where

560
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 3: I'm embarrassed or i feel shame. And still I'm not

561
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,400
Speaker 3: perfect at this, but the thing that's changed my life

562
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 3: is like stopping being like, hey, Lily, I'm going to

563
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 3: the bathroom. I'm willing to be with you right now.

564
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 3: There's nothing that you could say, do, or feel that

565
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 3: would make me want to stop being your friend. I'm

566
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 3: feeling shame right now. That sucks. It sucks. And then

567
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 3: the more I acknowledge it and just like take deep

568
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 3: breaths and see it in my body and like love

569
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 3: on myself through this moment takes three to five minutes,

570
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 3: and then I'm like, Okay, I feel more clear, i

571
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 3: feel less shame ashamed, I feel more empowered because I

572
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 3: have my own back instead of abandoning myself when I

573
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,040
Speaker 3: have a hard feeling for fear that it is going

574
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 3: to last forever.

575
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,960
Speaker 2: Oh that is so good because so often too, Like

576
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 2: my grandmother's the perfect example. And I'm sure my mom

577
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,720
Speaker 2: is listening to this, dying laughing because we make jokes

578
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,760
Speaker 2: about it, because it's just like the constant question, you know,

579
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 2: And I will be in a place of it doesn't

580
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 2: even I'm in a happy place, you know, or in

581
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: my life. I'll think that I am, and then I

582
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 2: get the question and I'm like, oh, it does. It

583
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 2: hits that thing, And then immediately you can go into

584
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 2: these shame spirals and you're like what narrative. Am I

585
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 2: attaching to this though, because it's just not the reality

586
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 2: I'm living every day. But when she asked me, it

587
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 2: all come back up and it's just old, you know.

588
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 2: So I love that staying with yourself, getting back grounded

589
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 2: and going wait, that's not even my narrative. I got

590
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,480
Speaker 2: this right, It's just.

591
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:14,520
Speaker 3: A it's a hard feeling. Yeah, feelings aren't facts. They're valid.

592
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 3: You get to feel it, but like it may not.

593
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,000
Speaker 3: Having the feeling of shame may not mean that you're

594
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 3: behind or that you're not as healed as you thought.

595
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 3: Like none of us are completely done cooking. So I think, like,

596
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 3: feel the feeling and you'll move through it and you'll

597
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 3: get back to grounded quicker.

598
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, and everyone's on their own timeline. That's what I

599
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 2: always say to people. It's just like that is a

600
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,960
Speaker 2: big Southern one, is like by a certain age and

601
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 2: all that stuff, and it's just like everybody's journey looks

602
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 2: so different on purpose, it's supposed to. We don't have

603
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 2: to do things exactly when Susan does things, you know.

604
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:51,000
Speaker 3: Right, well, and if we sort of take a step

605
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 3: back and look at the historical context of women's so

606
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 3: women in romantic relationship. Yeah, it wasn't until nineteen seventy

607
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 3: four the women could get a credit card without their

608
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 3: husband's signature.

609
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 2: You know, it did need to be married.

610
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:11,680
Speaker 3: So economically, the concept of you know, the concept of

611
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 3: being single was economically untenable for so many women until

612
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,280
Speaker 3: very recently in our collective memory. So the idea of

613
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 3: got to be married by a certain age, got to

614
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,080
Speaker 3: be partnered up is tied to a historical context of

615
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 3: like women had to settle until very recently, and you know,

616
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 3: and some people didn't settle, Like good for you. But

617
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 3: I just want to I want people to understand the

618
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 3: macro of this so that you don't feel, you know,

619
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 3: like you're unmored in your brain or like there's something

620
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 3: wrong with you. Like there's a reason that you feel

621
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 3: this way, and it's important to acknowledge it.

622
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 2: Did you say nineteen seventy four? Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah,

623
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is just like shaking me. That

624
00:31:58,360 --> 00:31:59,440
Speaker 2: is not very long ago.

625
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 3: Nope, Wow, nope. You know, there's been a revolution in

626
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 3: the last fifty sixty years and the way we talk

627
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 3: about women at work. Yeah, but there's not been the

628
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 3: same revolution about women in.

629
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,440
Speaker 2: Dating no, not at all.

630
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,440
Speaker 3: That's why that's why I built my business, That's why

631
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 3: I wrote this book, because the dating space needs a

632
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 3: feminist revolution, not to like, you know, and not to

633
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,760
Speaker 3: do the thing of like you know, on TikTok, there's

634
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 3: the women who are like, I'm not a feminist. I

635
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 3: can cook. I'm not a feminist. I enjoy, you know,

636
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 3: having my husband. Like, feminism is about collective freedom for everybody,

637
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 3: and it's about having the agency in our lives to

638
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 3: pursue what we desire and to create freedom for more people,

639
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 3: you know. So yeah, I think it's it's deeper than

640
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,200
Speaker 3: the surface, for sure.

641
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that history for us. Talk a little

642
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 2: bit about if you are listening and you're like, I

643
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 2: just don't have plans tonight, like wow, what am I

644
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 2: gonna do? Kind of just yeah, you're hearing what we're saying,

645
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 2: which you're also like, yeah, and I still hate this

646
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 2: day and whatever. How do we celebrate ourselves?

647
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 3: You know, like we're talking about nineteen seventy four, we

648
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 3: got We're like, we're going to how we celebrate ourselves? Okay,

649
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 3: how do we have a good day today? Here's how

650
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 3: to have a great day today? And to like feel yourself. Okay,

651
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 3: I have a couple of suggestions to choose your adventure.

652
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 3: Simple two minute practice. I call it twenty and two

653
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 3: where I want you to put grab a piece of paper,

654
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,720
Speaker 3: set a grab a pen, set a two minute timer,

655
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 3: and try to write down twenty reasons why you're the

656
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 3: best and you love yourself. Okay, literally write, Try to

657
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 3: write down. Most people will not get to twenty reasons

658
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 3: and they'll be like, oh wow, that took me a

659
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 3: little longer than I thought. Some of you will be

660
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 3: like twenty five reasons, thirty reasons in two minutes. Just

661
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 3: try it and see what's on your piece of paper,

662
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 3: and then text a friend to do this exercise with you,

663
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 3: and then exchange brags, love, exchange why you love each other,

664
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 3: just like bring community in. Talk about this in a

665
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:12,600
Speaker 3: dating context. That's a great exercise to do before a

666
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,840
Speaker 3: first date or any time you need to kind of

667
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 3: get off on yourself a little bit, or like kind

668
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 3: of boost your self confidence because you are bringing so

669
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 3: much to the table. That's the twenty and two exercise.

670
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 2: Well, then I imagine if you share it with a friend,

671
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:27,919
Speaker 2: like I just know the way that my friends are

672
00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 2: we might be like, and you're this, and you're this,

673
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 2: and you start getting more feedback about great qualities about yourself.

674
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:38,520
Speaker 3: Yes. Yeah, that's the giving yourself permission to celebrate yourself

675
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 3: and to be celebrated.

676
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,000
Speaker 2: Okay, done, You're going to do that.

677
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:43,959
Speaker 3: Just like so many people don't do it. You gotta

678
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 3: do it in your in your life and your love

679
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,239
Speaker 3: life because your love life is about you.

680
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 2: Yeah right, yeah, it is a reflection of you.

681
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,880
Speaker 3: Yeah. Another thing thing to do is just acknowledge how

682
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:56,880
Speaker 3: do I want to feel today?

683
00:34:57,680 --> 00:34:57,919
Speaker 2: Okay?

684
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,000
Speaker 3: If I feel hopeless today, do I want to feel hopeful?

685
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 3: If I feel a little you know, anxious today, do

686
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,719
Speaker 3: I want to feel grounded? And then, you know, if

687
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 3: anybody listening to this podcast has been on probably a

688
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:15,000
Speaker 3: healing journey, a journey of self discovery. Y'all know what

689
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:15,919
Speaker 3: makes you feel good?

690
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:16,800
Speaker 2: Amen?

691
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 3: Do something that makes you feel good. I'm I like,

692
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 3: whether that is masturbating, whether that is watching person rec

693
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:28,359
Speaker 3: and ordering takeout, or like making a gorgeous charcoterie board

694
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 3: for yourself, whether that is randomly texting a friend, going

695
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 3: over to their house and just like hanging out and

696
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,279
Speaker 3: drinking a mocktail or whatever, it is is like, you

697
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,880
Speaker 3: know what makes you feel good, give yourself permission to

698
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 3: do that thing. Period.

699
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,440
Speaker 2: This goes back to bringing the energy you want in

700
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 2: your dating life into your life now, like whether you're

701
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,800
Speaker 2: in a relationship or not. So if you're taking yourself

702
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 2: on these kind of dates, that's what you begin to like,

703
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:53,600
Speaker 2: that's what you attract.

704
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, well I think it is a worthiness question

705
00:35:57,239 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 3: for me. Yeah right, yeah, reminding yourself. I'm worthy of

706
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,840
Speaker 3: feeling good, I'm worthy of feeling chosen. I choose myself.

707
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 3: I am worthy of feeling pleasure. I'm worthy of filling

708
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 3: the blank. Right, because the idea of oh god, this

709
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 3: has to suck until the dating has to suck, until

710
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,160
Speaker 3: I just randomly meet somebody, I'm not good at it

711
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 3: and whatever that's keeping you, that narrative, it's trying to

712
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,719
Speaker 3: keep you safe, but it's keeping you stuck. And so

713
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:30,400
Speaker 3: giving yourself permission to actually feel good in your love life,

714
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:34,160
Speaker 3: but before you ever meet your person will free you

715
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:35,439
Speaker 3: up to attract more.

716
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,200
Speaker 2: I love that. Well. We've mentioned the book a couple

717
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 2: of times. It's called thank You More Please. I can't

718
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 2: wait for you guys to read it when it comes

719
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 2: out in June. Will you just tell us a little

720
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,839
Speaker 2: bit some bullet points about the book and kind of

721
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:49,040
Speaker 2: what people would find.

722
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, so, thank you more please. A feminist guide

723
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 3: to breaking down dating rules and finding love is my

724
00:36:56,040 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 3: entire process to creating a joyful af dating life life

725
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 3: that makes the right relationship inevitable. From stripping away the

726
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:07,560
Speaker 3: patriarchical narratives of dating, the dumb dating rules that are

727
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 3: keeping you stuck, to really detoxing from dating app culture

728
00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:15,080
Speaker 3: and toxic dating culture in general, to really creating your

729
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 3: own rules. What do you need in your dating life?

730
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 3: What boundaries do you need to start setting? I teach

731
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 3: you how to do I mentioned this earlier, how to

732
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 3: do in person dating with main character energy, like how

733
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:28,160
Speaker 3: to actually find love in person, which is how I

734
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:31,959
Speaker 3: met my husband. How to also create a joyful dating

735
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:37,200
Speaker 3: app experience, which feels counterintuitive, like is it is doable,

736
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,880
Speaker 3: so possible, It's so doable, but in the moment it

737
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 3: just feels like we're even saying a language you speaking.

738
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:48,560
Speaker 3: I have helped thousands of humans build dating lives online

739
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:51,560
Speaker 3: and in person that are joyful and fulfilling and that

740
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:56,000
Speaker 3: lead to extraordinary relationships. And so this book is exactly

741
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 3: the toolkit that you need to create a dating life

742
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 3: that feels his Brillian is the rest of your life

743
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,680
Speaker 3: and that leads to love. So if you pre order,

744
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 3: you can pre order like literally anywhere, and I have

745
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:10,320
Speaker 3: pre order bonuses at date brazen dot com slash book

746
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 3: where you can get coached by me. As a pre

747
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 3: order bonus, you can join the Thank You More Please Club.

748
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:18,839
Speaker 3: We have a podcast listening guide and if you want

749
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 3: to work with me, I also have a free live

750
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 3: training coming up tomorrow February fifteenth, called creating a confident

751
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,359
Speaker 3: and enjoyful as fuck dating life that makes the right

752
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 3: relationship inevitable. And so all that info we can we

753
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:31,680
Speaker 3: can put I can share with you. It's at date

754
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 3: brazen dot com as well.

755
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 2: I would definitely put that in the description of this

756
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 2: podcast for you guys. I do also know you have

757
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,480
Speaker 2: a thank You More Please challenge? Yes, can you tell

758
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:42,400
Speaker 2: the listeners about that?

759
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:46,439
Speaker 3: Okay? Put it on TikTok like middle of last year

760
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 3: and people went wild where it got millions of views.

761
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:53,760
Speaker 3: I was like, whoaess, people really resonate with us. Yeah,

762
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,800
Speaker 3: thank You More Please. Obviously, the inspiration for the book

763
00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 3: is about building hope in or dating life and building actual,

764
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 3: tangible evidence that what you want exists. So instead of

765
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 3: swimming in hopelessness, instead of really staying and like what

766
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,399
Speaker 3: I want isn't possible, or there isn't a man who

767
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 3: can meet my needs, or there's not a woman who

768
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,279
Speaker 3: can meet my needs. This is not gonna happen. I

769
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 3: dare you. I dare you to go out into the

770
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 3: world for one week and look for a sliver of

771
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:25,240
Speaker 3: evidence that what you want does exist. Right, it's working

772
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 3: off of the a sliver, a baby sliver because your

773
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 3: brain toxic positivity is like it does exist. Shut up,

774
00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:36,200
Speaker 3: don't don't be hopeless, right, that's toxic postivity and it's

775
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,120
Speaker 3: not gonna work. Your brain's gonna freak out if you

776
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,360
Speaker 3: try to force it into a belief that does not

777
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 3: feel grounded in truth. Which is why to change your

778
00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:46,040
Speaker 3: brain and to change your actions and to change your

779
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 3: results in your dating life, you gotta start with building

780
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:50,920
Speaker 3: the evidence with the thank you More Place challenge. So

781
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,440
Speaker 3: you go out in the world, you look for a

782
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,360
Speaker 3: sliver of evidence. Acute Barista, you have a fluority conversation

783
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:59,960
Speaker 3: with you see acut exiting a therapy office. You may

784
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,560
Speaker 3: eye contact somebody cute on the street and you give

785
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 3: a little smile. After those moments, you just recognize it

786
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:09,800
Speaker 3: and say thank you more please, and the universe is listening.

787
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:14,719
Speaker 3: Just say out loud, thank you more please. Not only

788
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:18,960
Speaker 3: will your brain start recognizing the evidence around you more

789
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 3: often because you're rewarding your brain with a thank you

790
00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:25,759
Speaker 3: more please moment, you also will start building a new

791
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,880
Speaker 3: neural pathway in your brain that says, it might be

792
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,080
Speaker 3: possible that the love of my life is on their way.

793
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,320
Speaker 3: It might be possible that what I want exist, which

794
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:38,000
Speaker 3: then creates more empowered action, which then creates more attraction.

795
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,479
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Like it's that's what I was saying

796
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:44,319
Speaker 2: about the book, Like that is like, yeah, of course,

797
00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 2: why wouldn't I do that? But I would have never

798
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,640
Speaker 2: thought of that. So thanks, Yeah, that is amazing. I'm

799
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:53,160
Speaker 2: gonna do this tomorrow and actually moving forward, I'll start

800
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:56,840
Speaker 2: my challenge tomorrow or this we're recording this early. Obviously

801
00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:00,279
Speaker 2: this is Valentine's Day, so maybe if you're listening, start

802
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 2: it with me. Let's do this. Thank you more please.

803
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:05,400
Speaker 3: I love that you more please. And I guess it's

804
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:11,000
Speaker 3: like it's manifestation with very tactical action. Yes, I tend

805
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 3: to get lost in the sort of the like, Okay,

806
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,239
Speaker 3: what do I do manifest Just go out of the

807
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:17,959
Speaker 3: world and look for a thank you more Please moment

808
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 3: and say thank you more Please out loud. Even if

809
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 3: you feel awkward, even if you do it messy, even

810
00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:24,400
Speaker 3: if you feel nauseous like taking this action, still do

811
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,799
Speaker 3: it because those that do it are not only telling

812
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,240
Speaker 3: me they're building so much more hope in their dating lives.

813
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,400
Speaker 3: They're attracting dates with this thank you More Please challenge.

814
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 3: They're literally approaching people in the real world. They're being

815
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 3: approached in the real world, and it's working for people.

816
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,480
Speaker 3: So that's why the book is called thank You More Please,

817
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:46,839
Speaker 3: because it's about this like permissive revolution to really give

818
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:50,240
Speaker 3: yourself permission to want what you want and to attract

819
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,400
Speaker 3: it with more ease and less hustle. And that's what

820
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:54,560
Speaker 3: think you More Pleases about.

821
00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 2: Well, again, I just keep going back to everything you're

822
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,279
Speaker 2: saying reminds me of just when you put your self

823
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 2: in the position to feel the feeling that you like,

824
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 2: that you want and then I love it. You're acknowledging

825
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 2: it to the universe, like, yes, that is it, that's

826
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 2: the thing I've been looking for. Then it does. It's

827
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:13,879
Speaker 2: just we're become magnetic for that kind of stuff. It's

828
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 2: so I'm such a big energy person, so that just

829
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:17,399
Speaker 2: makes itat I love it.

830
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 3: I love it. And it's also about like the more

831
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 3: please of it all is we don't have to settle

832
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,440
Speaker 3: exactly to you don't have to just settle for the

833
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,319
Speaker 3: scraps and be like thank you so much, just like,

834
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:28,880
Speaker 3: thank you more please.

835
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:34,720
Speaker 2: Let's go keep it common universe. I love this, Lily,

836
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:37,880
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. These are such tangible tips for everyone,

837
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 2: including myself, and I'm so excited to try this challenge.

838
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 2: Where else can people find you? I know we said

839
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 2: the book comes out in June, and I'll make sure

840
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 2: to put that in the description of this podcast, But

841
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:48,840
Speaker 2: where else can people find you if they want to

842
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:50,000
Speaker 2: stay in touch in the meantime?

843
00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:54,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, The Date Brazen podcast is my podcast. It's it's

844
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 3: the go to, one stop chop for all things feminists

845
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 3: dating advice that's going to have you feel and enjoyful

846
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:04,480
Speaker 3: and finding amazing partnership. And then you can also find

847
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,800
Speaker 3: me on Instagram and TikTok. TikTok is my main jam

848
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,399
Speaker 3: at date, brazen, d at E B R A z N.

849
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:13,719
Speaker 2: And again I will put that in a description of

850
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,680
Speaker 2: the podcast for you guys. Thank you so much for

851
00:43:15,719 --> 00:43:17,920
Speaker 2: being here and celebrating Valentine's Day with us.

852
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 3: Happy Galentine's Valentine's I am grateful for this conversation, and

853
00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 3: anybody listening know that I'm over here in Brooklyn believing

854
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:29,279
Speaker 3: that what you want is possible before you. If you

855
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:31,239
Speaker 3: can't believe it right now, I'm believing it for you

856
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 3: and you can just relax and have a good time

857
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 3: on Valentine's Day.

858
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 2: I love that. Thank you for being here, and thank

859
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 2: you guys so much for listening.

860
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:42,800
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

861
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,480
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a

862
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty,

863
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:53,920
Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.