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Speaker 1: Hey, they're Crimeless fans and David stands. If you have

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Speaker 1: arrived here looking for mister Knoxville and more chapters of

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Speaker 1: the hilarious tale about David and Mike and all those

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Speaker 1: other bumbling thieves from Hillbilly Heist. I'm sorry to tell

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Speaker 1: you that this particular story has come to an end.

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Speaker 1: Johnny had to get back to his regular life. All

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Speaker 1: is not lost, However, the Crimeless train doesn't stop rolling

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Speaker 1: just because we had to drop Johnny off. It has

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Speaker 1: only stopped for refueling and to allow some new passengers

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Speaker 1: to get on, like me, Josh Dean and my friend

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Speaker 1: in Denver, Rory Scoville.

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Speaker 2: Hello, everybody, and welcome to Crimeless.

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Speaker 1: Coming up here in just a few moments, we have

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Speaker 1: a treat to play for you, episode one of our

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Speaker 1: new weekly show Crimeless, a podcast that celebrates, as we

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Speaker 1: will say many times, the amazing creativity of the world's

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Speaker 1: dumbest criminals. Would you say that sums it up, Rory?

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Speaker 2: I think that absolutely sums it up.

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Speaker 1: I'm a journalist and I'll handle the storytelling duties. It's

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Speaker 1: my job to find the ridiculous tales and relay them

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Speaker 1: to Rory. He's a comedian, he will crack jokes and

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Speaker 1: also do some accents.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes well the pressure's on now, yeah I will. I

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Speaker 2: will participate with you the audience in having my mind

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Speaker 2: blown at how absolutely absurd the criminals of this country

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Speaker 2: and world can.

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Speaker 1: Be, and do a little Scottish for us.

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Speaker 2: There these criminals in the breaking into what if. I

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Speaker 2: hope this is a make or break. I hope this

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean I break people to say to actually listen

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Speaker 2: to the show. Is that close? That's close, that's pretty good.

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Speaker 2: That was not that's not gonna get me a gig,

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Speaker 2: but it's not gonna not get me another audition for

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Speaker 2: something else later without an accent.

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Speaker 1: I agree. I give that a solid B plus.

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Speaker 2: So nice work.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Every week, together we will unpack a new

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Speaker 1: crime story that is too ridiculous to believe, joined occasionally

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Speaker 1: by our trustee producer Lane Rose, who moves more often

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Speaker 1: than someone in witness protection. Which, come to think of it, Lane,

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Speaker 1: are you in hiding?

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Speaker 3: Why didn't you like to know?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I'll never reveal my secret.

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Speaker 1: In addition to make us look good by editing out

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Speaker 1: our worst jokes, Lane will cap off every episode with

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Speaker 1: a quiz, puzzle test or trivia challenge in a segment

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Speaker 1: that Rory.

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Speaker 2: Has named Lane's Games.

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Speaker 1: Stay tuned for that just as soon as we spend

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Speaker 1: our first side splitting tail. And with that, I present

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Speaker 1: episode one of Crime.

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Speaker 2: Less, your new favorite weekly show.

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Speaker 1: Please like and follow us on your favorite app and

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Speaker 1: tell all your friends.

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Speaker 2: Think of it as a pyramid scheme, but instead of money,

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Speaker 2: we ask only for your laughs. Just do it. Let's go,

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Speaker 2: Gampsite media charge Rory. Yes, Josh, have you ever wanted

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Speaker 2: to Have you ever wanted to kill somebody? I mean,

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Speaker 2: this feels is like such a setup. Uh sure, in

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Speaker 2: that fantastical I'm really mad at you kind of way,

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Speaker 2: but would never do it and would instantly regret it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, good, good, Because I'm not your lawyer yet, so

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Speaker 1: anything you tell me it is technically admissible in court.

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Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know.

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Speaker 1: And we don't want to have to start recording these

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Speaker 1: remotely from prison, or maybe we do.

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Speaker 2: It could be fun, our a new bit, a lot

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Speaker 2: of face time me.

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Speaker 1: So let me start up and rephrase the question, do

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Speaker 1: you believe that hip men are real? I?

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Speaker 2: Do you do? Okay? I think they're real?

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Speaker 1: Could because there's a school of thought that they're like

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Speaker 1: unicorns are undecided voters, something we.

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Speaker 2: Made up for movies. That is, I will say though

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Speaker 2: every time someone contacts a hit man it is an

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Speaker 2: undercover cop. Look at you, You're always so far ahead

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Speaker 2: of my storytelling, Well, it's always a cop. The reason

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Speaker 2: I say that is you might be right. They might

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Speaker 2: be a mythical creature that doesn't actually exist, and yet

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Speaker 2: people still try to contact them via Craigslist.

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Speaker 1: Well exactly because today and crime List, we have a

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Speaker 1: hilariously tragic tale of spoiler alert, a failed murder for

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Speaker 1: higher scheme. We'll tell you how not to hire a hitman,

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Speaker 1: and we will finally answer the question do they even exist?

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Speaker 2: That's after break.

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Speaker 1: Hello would welcome back to crime List, the podcast that

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Speaker 1: celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals while

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Speaker 1: also obeying all traffic laws and never cutting the tags

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Speaker 1: off our pillows or mattresses. I'm Josh Dean.

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Speaker 2: And I am Rury's skifful good citizen of this world.

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Speaker 1: Today, our story takes us to South Rockwood, Michigan, a

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Speaker 1: town south of Detroit that, according to niche dot com

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Speaker 1: renowned review sight of towns has a night life scene

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Speaker 1: that's a solid B minus. And if that hasn't convinced

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Speaker 1: you to move there, maybe this will. Back in July

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty, aged divorce, a named Wendy Wine was pissed off.

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Speaker 1: She was sure their ex husband, who'd bolted for Tennessee,

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Speaker 1: had stolen twenty grand, and the distance provided by divorce

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Speaker 1: and all those state lines was just not enough.

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Speaker 2: She needed her.

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Speaker 1: Ex husband six feet under.

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Speaker 2: Wow, this is COVID time too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe a little extra on edge, right, So.

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Speaker 2: We're all turned up to eleven at this point, just

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Speaker 2: to set the scene.

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Speaker 1: So divorce she thinks he's taking twenty grand. Clearly the

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Speaker 1: only option at this point is to have him murder, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean she can't even go outside. She's not supposed

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Speaker 1: to even go outside. I guess that explains why she

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Speaker 1: couldn't kill him herself, because how would she get to Tennessee?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 1: So anyway, she's not a killer herself. She's a mother

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Speaker 1: of two. And if Wendy's gonna do this, she's gonna

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Speaker 1: need some help. She's gonna need a hit man. How

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Speaker 1: do you go about finding a hitman?

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Speaker 2: Rory hitman dot com. You're this is actually how we

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Speaker 2: do one of our plugs for one of our sponsors

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Speaker 2: if you're looking to off so, but don't be afraid

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Speaker 2: of hitman dot com.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like sometimes someone's leaking these scripts

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Speaker 1: to you because you're getting a little bit ahea off

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Speaker 1: my money.

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Speaker 2: If this is even remotely true, oh my god, hold tight.

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Speaker 1: In the past, you might have tried asking the bartender

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Speaker 1: at the Divius Bar in town, or maybe your friend

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Speaker 1: who's always got a guy for that. But this is

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Speaker 1: the twenty first century. We have the Internet, and naturally

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Speaker 1: Wendy turns to Google. I just love I love engaging

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Speaker 1: with the bartender.

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Speaker 2: Like you know anybody who like, how many times does

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Speaker 2: the bartender be?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 2: Why does everybody come in here and think I know

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Speaker 2: who the murderers are? Bartender knows everything. Man, I'll do

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Speaker 2: another course light and uh, you know anybody in town

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Speaker 2: who kills people for money?

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Speaker 1: So we will know exactly what Wendy typed into her

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Speaker 1: Google machine. But it must have been something like hit

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Speaker 1: man near me. Regardless, she comes across a website called

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Speaker 1: rent a Hitman.

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Speaker 2: Do oh shut the no?

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Speaker 1: Well, yes, I did not make that up Rennehitman dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can actually go there right now and you'll find

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Speaker 1: a website that looks totally legit and not at all

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Speaker 1: like a trap.

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Speaker 2: Do you want to know what it makes me think of?

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Speaker 2: It makes me think of like this is the police

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Speaker 2: version of you know, when you take a kid fishing

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Speaker 2: with their like shitty little kid fishing pole and the

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Speaker 2: bait that's plastic but looks like a fish, and that

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Speaker 2: Wendy is a fish. That was like, I think that's

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Speaker 2: actual bait. I'm actually gonna bite. I'm gonna bite. I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna eat that.

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Speaker 1: Totally, because I'm sure Renne Hitman dot com is not

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Speaker 1: a yet definitely not a trap. It's gotta be a

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Speaker 1: legit thing because like it's on the open. We're not

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Speaker 1: talking four Chan of the dark web here, We're talking

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Speaker 1: this is the Internet.

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Speaker 2: Hoigpace, so in the open. That's what Wendy was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: I appreciate this so easy? Who knew it was so convenient?

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Speaker 2: Good lord?

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Speaker 1: And it's not some janky website. It's a thorough resource

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Speaker 1: advertising that its creators have seventeen thou nine and eighty

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Speaker 1: five field operatives who have been quote whacken woes since prohibition.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, also that's a that's also a lot of hitmen

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Speaker 2: like we have seventeen thousand. I feel like maybe they

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Speaker 2: over overplayed it there. Oh, I gotta say, if this

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Speaker 2: is a undercover cop scheme, they probably were like, hey,

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Speaker 2: you don't make it seventeen thousand, and then someone's like,

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Speaker 2: who is going to this website? Anyways? Wendy might be

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Speaker 2: them having to buy the website at them having to

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Speaker 2: get it designed, them having to pay for that. For

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Speaker 2: that dot com, they maybe put more money into catching

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Speaker 2: one person.

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Speaker 1: An elaborate sting, just waiting waiting for a fly to

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Speaker 1: fly into that trap exactly.

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Speaker 2: They even have a welcome video.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, hey you Yeah, you're looking for a hit man.

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Speaker 4: You got an issue that needs resolving, Look no further

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Speaker 4: than rent a hit Man your pointing click solution. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: we're on the world Wide Web, not the Deep Web,

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Speaker 4: not the dark Web, the world wide Web, and tell

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Speaker 4: them Guido sent you and we are one hundred compliant.

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Speaker 5: With hip hop the hit Man Information Privacy and Protection

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Speaker 5: Act of nineteen sixty four. So check us out rent

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Speaker 5: a Hitman dot com.

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Speaker 2: Okay, yep, I would I would rent from here. It

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Speaker 2: felt like an SNL sketch.

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Speaker 1: Well, just you wait, there's twists coming Rory Man. So

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Speaker 1: Wendy's no dummy and she's not gonna trust just anything

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Speaker 1: she finds on the internet. Come on. So she writes

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Speaker 1: an email to rent a Hipman's chief consultant, who you

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Speaker 1: heard there, Guido Finelli, saying this is kind of weird

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Speaker 1: that your company's not on the dark web. I prefer

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Speaker 1: not going to jail. Thanks for your time. And then

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Speaker 1: she tells Guido she's in need of one of those consultants.

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Speaker 1: She's willing to pay her hard earned American dollars to

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Speaker 1: have her ex husband taken care of. And he guesses

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Speaker 1: what they're going to charge her to solve this little problem.

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. I cannot even guess. I don't

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Speaker 2: even have a baseline jumping up. I have no idea.

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Speaker 1: Five grand Okay doesn't feel like enough.

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Speaker 2: Right, it doesn't feel like enough. But it also you

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Speaker 2: gotta know your your clients. You gotta know what their

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Speaker 2: income might be. Right. It's probably not like someone in

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Speaker 2: the one percent isn't coming to deal with a website.

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Speaker 2: They have someone on retainer for this kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I kind of feel like five grand was a

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Speaker 1: bit of a red flag. So the next day she

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Speaker 1: gets a response asking if she still requires their services

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Speaker 1: and if she would like to be connected with a

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Speaker 1: field operative. She says yes, absolutely, her husband is still

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Speaker 1: a problem in need of solution, and she ranges to

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Speaker 1: meet this chosen operative at a cafe. We talked about

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Speaker 1: this earlier, but this is July twenty twenty. Rory, what

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Speaker 1: else is happening?

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Speaker 2: I mean COVID, So what's going on with this cat? Actually,

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Speaker 2: now I'm worried what this cafe thinks they're doing. Open

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Speaker 2: that's right.

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Speaker 1: If firing a hitman for on the internet isn't bad enough,

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Speaker 1: this woman is making plans to meet a stranger in public,

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the pandemic crimes piled on crimes here.

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Speaker 2: Sure, some of the piled on crimes are less critical

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Speaker 2: than the crime underneath the pile, but yes, still a crime.

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Speaker 1: So on July twenty first, twenty twenty, Wendy waits for

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Speaker 1: her hip man at the Dixie Cafe, a homy joint that,

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Speaker 1: according to one review, has the best bean soup and

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Speaker 1: fish around.

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Speaker 2: I believe him, I for sure believe him. I'm not

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Speaker 2: a big bean soup guy, though, that's because you haven't

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Speaker 2: had the best.

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Speaker 1: So the hip man approaches. We don't know what he

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Speaker 1: looks like. I like to imagine a ponytail, and he's

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Speaker 1: named Snake. Wendy tells him everything he needs to know

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Speaker 1: in order to kill her ex husband, what he looks

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Speaker 1: like when he drives, where he works. Then she meets

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Speaker 1: up with him a second time later that day and

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Speaker 1: gives him two hundred bucks for travel because he's not

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Speaker 1: covering expenses. Wendy, Yeah, that's right, you gotta cover from gas.

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Speaker 2: He's got a gass hotel, per diem. I mean he's

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Speaker 2: going down to Nashville or what do you say?

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Speaker 1: Tennessee's Tennessee. We're not sure where.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then.

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Speaker 1: Well, I mean, I feel like you've already answered this,

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Speaker 1: But can you predict what the plot twist is here?

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Speaker 2: I mean, I want it to be so extreme and

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Speaker 2: insane that the hit man is actually her husband in disguise,

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Speaker 2: and this whole time he's been a cop like Arnold

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Speaker 2: Schwarzenegger in True Lies. But I know that that isn't

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Speaker 2: going to be what you say.

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Speaker 1: No, it's sadly what you said at the top, it's

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Speaker 1: a sting. Wendy got arrested.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we're both shocked, absolutely gobsmacked by this twist.

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Speaker 2: I mean, the cops had bids going at the station.

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Speaker 2: Who is going to fall for this? And that you know,

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Speaker 2: someone was like it will we will get one person.

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Speaker 2: We're going to get one person.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean I had How on earth does

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Speaker 1: a lady as careful as Wendy get caught for trying

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Speaker 1: to hire it on the internet from the world's most

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Speaker 1: trust murder for hire site. Obviously, Rennahitman dot com, I

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Speaker 1: feel like is the gold standard. So here's what actually happened.

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Speaker 1: I have the whole full backstory for you, because I'm

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Speaker 1: sure you want to know. Yes, So, Rennehitman dot com

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Speaker 1: is run by a guy named Bob Innis and he's

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Speaker 1: originally he's just a normal dude who originally made the

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Speaker 1: website for his internet security business a while back, and

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Speaker 1: that didn't work out. I don't totally understand how that worked.

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Speaker 1: But it was meant to be a demonstration of something.

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Speaker 1: It was never meant to be a trap. But he

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Speaker 1: puts it up and it's left dormant, and then one day,

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Speaker 1: Bob he's bored and he checks the site's email box.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, and he finds there are quite a few

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Speaker 1: messages from people asking to have their wife or husband,

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Speaker 1: or brother or uncle or second cousin murders.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: So he mostly ignored them until he got one that

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Speaker 1: looked serious enough. It was a woman saying she wanted

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Speaker 1: three people killed, and she even sent their names and addresses.

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Speaker 1: So Bob shifts into good Samaritan mode, sent the ladies

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Speaker 1: information to a cop friend of his, and she gets arrested.

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Speaker 1: So Wendy not the only person. Many, in fact, many people.

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Speaker 1: So shocking to know that there are numerous people out

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Speaker 1: there who are just googling how to have someone killed,

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Speaker 1: finding a website, looking at that and thinking this is legit.

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Speaker 2: That's the cops must have thought that too. The cops

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Speaker 2: must have been like, wait, what, Bob, what do you have?

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Speaker 2: I just I made the jokey website. And people really

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Speaker 2: want to kill people and they think it's real. They're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: oh my god. It's like literally going, what are we

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Speaker 2: having for dinner? And then someone going, oh, someone set

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Speaker 2: up a bunch of fishing poles and said we could

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Speaker 2: just have we could just have whatever they catch. Oh

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Speaker 2: oh yeah, I like that. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Bob's like, I guess I'll keep it up, and now

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Speaker 1: I'll just use it as a trap. So he's a

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Speaker 1: fair guy. He decides to keep it up, but he

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Speaker 1: gives it a redesign to make it even more obvious

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Speaker 1: that it's a fake, so that he can't be accused

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Speaker 1: of entrapment.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think you can now vouch for it being really obvious.

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Speaker 2: Right, thought it was a joke, which I guess it was.

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Speaker 1: You said that looked like an SNL schedule.

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Speaker 2: I thought satura in life. Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And if you remember when we both chuckled at the

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Speaker 1: reference to hippa, If you missed it, that referred to

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Speaker 1: the quote hit Man Information Privacy and Protection Act of

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Speaker 1: nineteen sixty four. It's an oath they make you take

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Speaker 1: when you graduate from Hitman.

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Speaker 2: You you have to take it. Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So the website is also riddled with mafia references in

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Speaker 1: addition to the head of the company being Guido Finelli, who,

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Speaker 1: according to the website wait for this, has been working

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Speaker 1: at Rena Hitman since nineteen twenty. Yeah, assuming you have

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Speaker 1: to be at least ten to be a hit man.

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Speaker 1: That would make him one hundred and fifteen years old.

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Speaker 2: That's right, Wendy. Wendy just wanted to I think that's

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Speaker 2: the world we live in. We live in such a

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Speaker 2: world of convenience with our smartphones, we just assume that

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Speaker 2: even this could just be a convenience. Right, this is

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Speaker 2: door somebody thought of it. This is DoorDash for Wendy.

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Speaker 1: The website also uses the word kapiche a lot, which

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Speaker 1: is that offensive to Italian?

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Speaker 2: I don't know, but definitely a giveaway that it's not

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Speaker 2: a real thing.

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Speaker 1: I think we may still be allowed to make fun

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Speaker 1: of Italian? Is that one accent we're still allowed to do?

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Speaker 1: Can you say, do you want to do you do one?

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Speaker 2: For us? People? Do? They debate it? They debate it,

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Speaker 2: They debate the the freedom, I'll say, the freedom to

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Speaker 2: make fun of an Italian accent? Where do you come down?

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Speaker 2: Are you comfortable? Hey? I just did he like you want?

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Speaker 2: This is my favorite. I don't know what this is,

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Speaker 2: but I love it plays great on podcasts, But really

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Speaker 2: I just as I did it. Let me just say,

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Speaker 2: Rory is doing a great Italian impression. With his hands.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, and and honestly every listener just pictured the

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Speaker 2: same thing, tiny little crab claws yep, like facing upward

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Speaker 2: and like like two crabs fighting. Yeah, not even a

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Speaker 2: stereotypical uh impersonation. You watch any soccer game, You're going

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Speaker 2: to see this one hundred thousand times.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, when they get up from being fake fauve, Yes,

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Speaker 1: let's just keep doing gestures. That'll be great for the pod.

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Speaker 1: So not only is renta hitman dot com obviously fake

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Speaker 1: if you do even the tiniest bit of poking around,

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Speaker 1: there are a lot of articles written about it. So

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Speaker 1: clearly these want to be killers aren't even doing a

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Speaker 1: second dual search, like is Renne hitman dot com a prank,

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Speaker 1: a trap, a joke? The absolute bare minimum amount of

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Speaker 1: research I would argue you should do before hiring a hitman.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I do like that Wendy message like, uh nice,

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Speaker 2: try but I'm not trying to get arrested. And he's like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: but do you want our services? And she goes I

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Speaker 2: absolutely do. Like she was on the right path of

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Speaker 2: suspicion until someone was like, no, I swear, I'm real,

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Speaker 2: what do you need?

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Speaker 1: She just asked the guy like, she didn't do a search,

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Speaker 1: like have there been previous incidents? Like yeah, nope, just

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Speaker 1: asked Yeah. She's a very trusting lady, that Wendy. So

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Speaker 1: according to Bob, he received four hundred hitman hiring her questions,

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Speaker 1: by the way, and at least ten percent of them

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Speaker 1: more serious enough that the cops took them on. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so he hands over the contact to the police. So

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Speaker 1: usually have an officer who steps in and finishes the job.

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Speaker 1: So the guy who went to the cafe after she

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Speaker 1: was arrested, Wendy confessed immediately. I mean, I think what

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Speaker 1: else was she going to do? Yeah? And she was

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Speaker 1: sentenced to seven to twenty years for quote, solicitation of

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Speaker 1: murder and using a computer to commit a crime, which

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Speaker 1: I did not know was the second charge. Okay, so

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Speaker 1: she's still serving time today at the women's Huron Valley

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Speaker 1: Correctional Facility in Ipsilanti, Michigan.

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Speaker 2: What happened to the kids?

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Speaker 1: I do not have resolution for the kids. You've asked

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Speaker 1: a question I cannot answer. Rarely happens.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but I don't mean they kind of don't give

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Speaker 2: the kids to the dad. If the dad up and

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Speaker 2: left you got to assume he's not in it to

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Speaker 2: win it. Oh, man, this just took a sad turn.

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Speaker 2: Want her to consider these things, Josh, when you find

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Speaker 2: these stories.

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Speaker 1: I know you're thinking, this website sounds fantastic if you

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Speaker 1: want to hire a hitman. But what if I want

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Speaker 1: to be a hitman. So there's also a hiring section

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Speaker 1: on the web page. It's a job page where you

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Speaker 1: can apply to become a field operative for the most

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Speaker 1: prestigious problem resolution organization in the world. Surely no one

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Speaker 1: will fall for that one, Roy right, Oh no, no

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Speaker 1: one's gonna apply for a job.

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Speaker 2: Man, it's in the thousands.

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Speaker 1: Allow me to introduce you to Josiah, Ernesto Garcia and

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Speaker 1: Air National Guardsman.

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Speaker 2: Ugh, this is the gift that keeps on giving. He's

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Speaker 2: from Hermitage, Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: Tennessee plays a big role in today's episode, even though

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Speaker 1: the website's based in Michigan. I don't know why. So

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Speaker 1: in early twenty twenty three, Josiah struggling to find a job.

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Speaker 1: We've all been there, yep. So he starts looking for

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Speaker 1: murder for hire gigs. We've all been there, I know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I just can't imagine how many rejections Josiah

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Speaker 1: got before he makes that. Well, I mean I was

405
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Speaker 1: in the military. I could kill people.

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Speaker 2: So Josiah, like Wendy, comes up on rentehitman dot com

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Speaker 2: and he finds the career page. What a break career.

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Speaker 1: So remember we've established the website's a trap. It's very

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Speaker 1: clunky on purpose. It's designed to be really obviously fake. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so that only the laziest aspiring murderers would fall for us.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, who you wouldn't want to hire anyways, They clearly

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Speaker 2: have no intuition.

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Speaker 1: So the career page says join the family, capiche, and

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Speaker 1: it describes the onboarding processes as as simple as whipping

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Speaker 1: up a Sunday gravy. Yeah and yeah, which is not

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Speaker 1: none novil. I'd like to note that's it. They don't

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Speaker 1: serve it all week for a reason. You gotta dice

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Speaker 1: the carrots real fine. So still none of this phases Josiah.

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Speaker 1: He fills out the application, which includes questions, I shit

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Speaker 1: you not, can you keep your yap shut?

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Speaker 2: And if you needed to vanish? Could you?

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Speaker 1: And do you crumble or do you stay cool like

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Speaker 1: a canoli in the fridge?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Could you imagine getting the butterflies, Like, just hoping

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Speaker 2: you're answering these questions correctly because you really want this

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Speaker 2: gig Ah, did I I was too honest? I'm more

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Speaker 2: of a tira missou the best Italian dessert.

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Speaker 1: The site advises you to be honest in your application

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Speaker 1: and or and I quote forget about it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and Josiah, he.

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Speaker 1: Sends a resume, a headshot, and a copy of his ID.

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Speaker 1: He even brags he's been given the nickname Reaper for

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Speaker 1: his military experience and marksmanship. Then he had send and

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Speaker 1: presumably waits to hear from someone from the HR department.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't have to wait long?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, how long do you think he waited? Like how

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Speaker 2: long do you think they they because surely they don't.

438
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,560
Speaker 2: They try to like sell it even though they don't

439
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,199
Speaker 2: even need to.

440
00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't even need to try. He's refreshed. They're

441
00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 1: not like any refresh on their email, Like, oh my god,

442
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:46,680
Speaker 1: we got one.

443
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,280
Speaker 2: Josiah is driving to the police station, going, hey, I

444
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:54,040
Speaker 2: haven't heard back about this application, and I'd like them arrested.

445
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,000
Speaker 1: So finally or shortly, we don't actually know. He gets

446
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,680
Speaker 1: a reply from a field operative who is Rory, who

447
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:04,520
Speaker 1: is the operative?

448
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:04,720
Speaker 4: Who?

449
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,440
Speaker 2: Who do you think? Writes back? Is it actually Guido?

450
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,000
Speaker 1: It's an undercover FBI?

451
00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:15,080
Speaker 2: Well I knew that. But does he say I'm actually

452
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 2: Guido Finelli?

453
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:21,240
Speaker 1: He probably does me or I'm Ricardo his cousin head

454
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:21,800
Speaker 1: of HR.

455
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 2: Yeah. So the FBI agent says.

456
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,239
Speaker 1: They need to meet in person in order for him

457
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 1: to get the assignment. He gives Josiah a twenty five

458
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,920
Speaker 1: hundred dollars advance and the four one one on his target,

459
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,280
Speaker 1: who is the fictional abusive husband of a fictional woman.

460
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 1: And then Josiah is arrested on charges of the use

461
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,080
Speaker 1: of interstate facilities and the commission of murder for hire.

462
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,840
Speaker 2: Okay, I would like to point out this undercover cop

463
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:48,480
Speaker 2: should also be convicted for technically hiring a hit man.

464
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,800
Speaker 2: I think they're allowed to Maybe they're allowed to hire hitman.

465
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 1: Or like, because I think money has to change hands

466
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,440
Speaker 1: in order for the bee, because otherwise the guy could

467
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,399
Speaker 1: be like I was joking.

468
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,560
Speaker 2: I would also like to point out Josiah was gonna

469
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 2: go kill an abusive husband, and I think we can

470
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:09,360
Speaker 2: all agree that you're gonna kill somebody. If you're gonna

471
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 2: kill someone, make it so that you're the good guy.

472
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,240
Speaker 1: So he pleads guilty to the charges, and in April

473
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,720
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty five a sentenced to five years oh

474
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,000
Speaker 1: of probation. So maybe they were like, oh, you're gonna

475
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: kill an abusive guy. That's okay.

476
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,200
Speaker 2: I would love to see the judge and I hope

477
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 2: for all of these The judge during sentencing just crushed

478
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 2: for five minutes, rip roasting, like, I can't believe you

479
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:39,880
Speaker 2: fell for this website. I cannot even believe that this

480
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:41,639
Speaker 2: case is in front of.

481
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,520
Speaker 1: Me right now, like that we're sitting in this sto

482
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 1: I can't.

483
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:47,600
Speaker 2: Believe we are wasting oxygen in this room to discuss

484
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 2: the outcome of this situation.

485
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 1: I mean, how do you mentioned how stupid Josiah felt

486
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: or maybe doesn't even still get it. He's like, I

487
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: hope when I get out I can find a real one.

488
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, He's like, I don't know why that website turned

489
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,119
Speaker 2: me in that they needed help. It still doesn't know

490
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 2: it's a fake website.

491
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,200
Speaker 1: Uh, And that is the end of our story. Runahitman

492
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,159
Speaker 1: dot Com, I'm sorry to say was always fake, but

493
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,640
Speaker 1: it did make me wonder do any hit man actually exists.

494
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe they do.

495
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,080
Speaker 1: I want to believe they do, and we're gonna tackle

496
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:25,600
Speaker 1: that question.

497
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,360
Speaker 2: You would make no sense if we knew about it,

498
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 2: then they are not doing a good job exactly.

499
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: So we're gonna dig into this and more after the break.

500
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:42,159
Speaker 2: Do do do? Okay?

501
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 1: After hearing those sad tales, has your answer changed? Are

502
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:46,760
Speaker 1: Hitman real?

503
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:51,240
Speaker 2: I believe they are still real? Okay?

504
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 1: I also want to believe that they are, so, like,

505
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,200
Speaker 1: we do know that there really are Capo's mafia assassins,

506
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: people in the mafia who kill other people in the

507
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,520
Speaker 1: mafia for the most part, but I think it's pretty

508
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 1: strictly that like you don't kill civilians.

509
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,160
Speaker 2: I hope that's true.

510
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: I think that's bad for business, That's what I hope

511
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,199
Speaker 1: that's bad for business. But my question is, are there

512
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 1: John Wicks and killing Eves like professional assassins and expensive

513
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,600
Speaker 1: suits who fly around the world killing people with piano

514
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,520
Speaker 1: wire and handguns with silencers on them. Yeah, some experts

515
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 1: say yes, But as I believe you said a few

516
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,159
Speaker 1: minutes ago, if these people really do exist, they're probably

517
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,240
Speaker 1: too good to get caught.

518
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, we wouldn't know about it makes sense I mean,

519
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:36,160
Speaker 2: there's some deep level military training that we don't even

520
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 2: know about, you know what I mean? Like we hear

521
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 2: about Seal Team six, what about seven and eight? You

522
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,080
Speaker 2: know what I mean?

523
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:44,560
Speaker 1: Or nine, ten, or even.

524
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 2: Who knows how high up the ladder we could climb.

525
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 2: These other seals will never even know actual some of

526
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 2: them might actually be seals, no idea.

527
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,800
Speaker 1: The Russian Navy, and this is true, like trains, like dolphins,

528
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,679
Speaker 1: and like walruses, things exactly like attack sweetish submarines, and

529
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: they're so.

530
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 2: Good at it they don't even know that they're they're

531
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,879
Speaker 2: doing it. They don't even know that it's violence. Dolphins.

532
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,240
Speaker 2: He's like, what, I'm just a walrus. I don't know

533
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,680
Speaker 2: what I'm doing. I just bumped into that submarine, bumped

534
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 2: into it, and they taught me how to eat the

535
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 2: side of it so it would implode and everyone would drown.

536
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 2: That's all I o. This bomb tied to my back,

537
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,960
Speaker 2: I don't know I put that there? Can't. I don't

538
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,160
Speaker 2: have arms. How would I put this on?

539
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,160
Speaker 1: That's gonna get you out of court every time.

540
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,640
Speaker 2: Always, It'll always if you say I don't have arms,

541
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,119
Speaker 2: you're you're in a different category. Than everyone else. No,

542
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 2: your honor, Literally, how did I put it all? You

543
00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:38,679
Speaker 2: tell me. You tell me, if you're so smart, how

544
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 2: did I type in that website? If I don't have

545
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 2: fingers to answer that.

546
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:47,679
Speaker 1: Not guilty, sir, I mean whatever you call it a dolphin.

547
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 1: So yeah, we do know that the majority of murder

548
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,520
Speaker 1: for higher cases are one off. It's basically you call

549
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,280
Speaker 1: up the sketches guy you know, and ask if you'll

550
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 1: kill your ex wife's hot new boyfriend for two hundred bucks.

551
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 1: That guy always gets caught, right. It is literally someone

552
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,680
Speaker 1: you met at the bar and he's like, eh, all right, yeah,

553
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 1: I don't got any work. It's Josiah after he gets out.

554
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,760
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean in theory, the theoretical Josiah is

555
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,159
Speaker 1: of the world. I don't want to accuse Joseph.

556
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,840
Speaker 2: I guess the only ones we really know of is

557
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 2: in the Tanya Harding Nancy Kerrigan situation. Is that the

558
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 2: most famous hit man, but then he just clubbed her.

559
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 1: In the knee, didn't he? Yes, As far as I

560
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 1: can tell, most hipmn as we imagine in the movies,

561
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 1: are cops basically like undercover cops pretending to be killers.

562
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 1: As we saw in.

563
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 2: The first act of our story. So that's the crime

564
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:37,920
Speaker 2: less PSA.

565
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 1: If you ask your local bartender if he knows any

566
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,200
Speaker 1: hit man and he introduces you to a guy to

567
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 1: Bandana and Oakley's that guy is an undercover cop.

568
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 2: Probably yeah.

569
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 1: In fact, the most prolific fake tip man we're aware

570
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,360
Speaker 1: of is a guy named Gary Johnson. Maybe you've heard

571
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 1: of him or there was a movie about him. Glenn

572
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: Powell played him in a movie last year called hit Man.

573
00:27:55,960 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 1: Oh I think it was on Netflix, ieve, so yeah, yeah, yeah.

574
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,359
Speaker 1: Gary worked for one of the DA offs DA's offices

575
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: in Houston as a staff investigator cop here this he

576
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 1: raised this earlier, so this will be the answer to

577
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,880
Speaker 1: that question. Cops need money to change hands in order

578
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,680
Speaker 1: to make an arrest and a murder for higher case,

579
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 1: so that's why the cop had to like say, I'm

580
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: going to pay you twenty five hundreds to accept the money.

581
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,920
Speaker 1: Therefore he's going to go and commit the murder. In Houston,

582
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,359
Speaker 1: when they would get wind of a person looking to

583
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,640
Speaker 1: have someone killed, they'd call Gary up and Gary would

584
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: go undercover. And he was chosen a sort of at

585
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 1: random at first, but when that worked, the word spread

586
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: and eventually he became the go to fake hit man

587
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: in Houston.

588
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 2: And he's so good that Texas.

589
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 1: Monthly writes a profile about him by the Great Skip

590
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,480
Speaker 1: Holland's Worth, a fantastic magazine writer. He describes him as

591
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,480
Speaker 1: quote the Lawrence Olivier of the field oh Man. On

592
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 1: the first couple stings, he dressed up as a biker,

593
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,680
Speaker 1: but then he starts crafting as hipman personas based on

594
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 1: the client. He might be a clean cut gentleman for

595
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 1: a high society woman who hates her husband, or I

596
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 1: don't give a ship, just give me the money, tough

597
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 1: guy routine he'd use on certain guys.

598
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 2: He even did accents like you, oh, which I'm knowing.

599
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,480
Speaker 1: Maybe this this is our fake crime for the season finale.

600
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 1: You're a fake hit man. We send you out.

601
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,959
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we document the whole thing, no matter, no

602
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 2: matter how bad it goes, now, how much how much

603
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 2: trouble I get in, We record everything.

604
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: And we're gonna start at ours will be rente hitman.

605
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 1: Dot org Yeah, dot gov.

606
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,959
Speaker 2: Everyone's like, well, the government's got the government's backing it.

607
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 2: It's probably legal. Or dot edu it's a university. Yeah,

608
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:37,480
Speaker 2: it's educational.

609
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 1: It would be basically improv which is I mean, that's

610
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,320
Speaker 1: partly your lane. This is this is perfect. So it's like,

611
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 1: what would your hit man?

612
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 2: What would your persona, your hitman persona be? What do

613
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 2: you think?

614
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:48,960
Speaker 1: You know? I don't know.

615
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 2: I uh, I always do this sort of chicagoy New

616
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 2: York kind of voice. So maybe I'd be a cab driver.

617
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 2: And as people got into the cab and the how

618
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 2: hard I'm fishing people get And that's right, that was

619
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 2: a third fishing metaphor, you guys, people get into the

620
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 2: cab and I'm always just like you have a you

621
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:14,280
Speaker 2: need anybody, You need me to kill anybody? What's going on?

622
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 2: It's actually becoming rocky killing by or something like that,

623
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 2: a box room the death. It's not as messy as

624
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 2: you think. It takes longer, yes, and it's very tiring.

625
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 2: Sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes they beat the shit

626
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 2: out of me. But it's fun. I get a workout,

627
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 2: you pay a little bit of scratch. Nobody cares. Hey

628
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 2: where were you? Where were you going together? Yeah? Yeah,

629
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:53,880
Speaker 2: sorry at the airport? Okay? What sorry? What what airline? Terminal? Yeah? Okay, terminal?

630
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 2: See all right, let me know, if you needbody, me

631
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 2: kill anybody for you.

632
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: So eventually Gary becomes local celebrity. A lot of people

633
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: know about him. Obviously, we said, the press covers his things.

634
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,960
Speaker 1: And yet because people are God bless.

635
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 2: Them, often really stupid. Yeah, they keep falling for it.

636
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 2: That is so insane to me.

637
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,400
Speaker 1: I know, he's profiled in magazines, he's in the newspapers.

638
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 1: I mean, is it any dumber than Renahman dot com?

639
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 2: I guess I know.

640
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 1: So. One is a teenager who paid Gary seven atari

641
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,320
Speaker 1: computer games, three dollar bills and two dollars and thirty

642
00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: cents and nickels and dimes to take out another kid

643
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: in class who liked the same girl as him.

644
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 2: Okay, that's unfortunate, it is. I think I hope we

645
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 2: let that kid off with a slap on the hand, well,

646
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,520
Speaker 2: or you know, something a little more aggressive, just so

647
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 2: he doesn't actually kill anybody, you know, really turn him around.

648
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: Another one was a drug store employee who hired Gary

649
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: to kill his family and a car crash so that

650
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 1: they could use their life insurance payout money to quote

651
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,520
Speaker 1: start a career as a private detective who travels the

652
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:55,720
Speaker 1: world solving crimes.

653
00:31:55,960 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 2: Everyone has a vision board, okay, and the way that

654
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:02,680
Speaker 2: you get from A to Z is not going to

655
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 2: be the same for everybody. It's not going to be logical.

656
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: How can I get the money to start my globe

657
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 1: trotting private eyebea.

658
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 2: Do you think the moment he was hired to do that,

659
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 2: this hit man was like, wait, is it am I being?

660
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:25,320
Speaker 2: Is this a sting on me? This seems so crazy

661
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 2: that maybe I'm in trouble.

662
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 1: A third was a former vice president of the Houston

663
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:35,240
Speaker 1: area Republican Women who gave Gary a two hundred thousand

664
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 1: dollars down payment and jewelry to murder her oil air husband.

665
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 1: Oh okay, so I mean that's pretty legit. Two under

666
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:46,360
Speaker 1: grand Yeah, she's vice president of the local Ladies Republican Club.

667
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 1: There was even a cop who got trapped in this

668
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 1: scheme after he hired a quote a supposed convicted murderer

669
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 1: to kill his ex wife, and then that guy in

670
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: turn hired Gary.

671
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:03,600
Speaker 2: He's a subcontractor. He farmed it out. Gary was like, Oh,

672
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 2: I know this guy. I work with this guy.

673
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 1: So he had quiet years and busy years, which he

674
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 1: theorized was thanks to the economy. When the economy is

675
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:14,680
Speaker 1: good as it was, then people don't get so frantic,

676
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,080
Speaker 1: he told the writer hollins Worth. But when it starts

677
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 1: going bad as it's doing now, everyone gets a little

678
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 1: bit crazier and starts thinking about knocking someone else off.

679
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,240
Speaker 2: Actually good and tell you why it's important for the

680
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:27,200
Speaker 2: economy to thrive.

681
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 1: So it's yeah, murder friar rates may be a recession indicator. Yeah,

682
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 1: keep that in mind, bartenders and guidos of the world.

683
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 2: The Fernelli family.

684
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,960
Speaker 1: So I think I mean, sell your stocks if people

685
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,400
Speaker 1: start hiring him men, Is that right?

686
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 5: Yep?

687
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: Okay, So dump your portfolio. And that is the I'm

688
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,240
Speaker 1: not sure I answered the question exactly, but I think

689
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 1: they may be real. We can't prove it. If you

690
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 1: meet one, he's almost certainly fake.

691
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 2: I think you are more than likely in trouble. In fact,

692
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,200
Speaker 2: the moment you meet one, you should try to reverse

693
00:33:56,240 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 2: it and act like you're undercover arresting them. I got you. Yeah.

694
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 1: After the break, we build a website offering our own

695
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 1: scheme to provide assassination consultations.

696
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 2: Either that or we'll just play game.

697
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,560
Speaker 1: Welcome back to cryme List, your one stop shop for

698
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:22,560
Speaker 1: legal advice. Improv comedy and hit men for hire. We've

699
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 1: reached the point in the show where I must prove

700
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:26,800
Speaker 1: yet again that I'm smarter than yours.

701
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:32,200
Speaker 2: Lane's game, Lane, do you have a game for us?

702
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 3: I have a quiz today.

703
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:36,160
Speaker 2: It's always a quiz.

704
00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,760
Speaker 3: Well, this is a personality quiz. I pulled it straight

705
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 3: from Cosmo, the Hitman edition. Just kidding. I figured since

706
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,640
Speaker 3: we were talking about fake Hitman, we should decide what

707
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 3: type of hitmen are you guys going to be? You know, yeah,

708
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:55,560
Speaker 3: real personality quiz.

709
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 1: Okay, so there's no winner. There's no winner or a

710
00:34:59,120 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 1: loser in this.

711
00:34:59,680 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 2: Yeah.

712
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 3: This this is all introspection.

713
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,240
Speaker 2: Okay. You know that eats Josh up, takes him alive.

714
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:07,839
Speaker 3: He really wants to win.

715
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,399
Speaker 1: Crack through my shell.

716
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, today's about having fun.

717
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 1: Okay, let's have some fun.

718
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 3: So first question, you've been hired to eliminate a threat.

719
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:21,320
Speaker 3: What are you wearing? I've got some multiple choice. A

720
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:25,200
Speaker 3: A tailored black suit. B a wig and a mustache,

721
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 3: see khaki shorts and a Grateful Dead T shirt.

722
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 2: Or d all white. I mean I kind of want

723
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:37,000
Speaker 2: to look like John Travolta from pulp fiction. Black suit. Yeah,

724
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 2: him and Samuel Jackson. I kind of want that very

725
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,400
Speaker 2: formal attire. Maybe I want to combine wig in a

726
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 2: mustache with a nice suit.

727
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 1: Oh some more like Samuel Jackson from.

728
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 2: So Mostly I want to be Samuel Jackson.

729
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,960
Speaker 1: I'm going to go in honor of Rory, resident of

730
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:04,240
Speaker 1: Colorado who summers in Burlington. I'm going grateful, dead shirt. Cool.

731
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,800
Speaker 3: What would your weapon of choice be? I've got a

732
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 3: a gun with a silencer, be untraceable poison, but only

733
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,799
Speaker 3: after courting your victim for weeks, see a bowling ball,

734
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,359
Speaker 3: or d your bare hands.

735
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 2: Okay, if anyone picks c you're off the podcast. I

736
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 2: think probably for good.

737
00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:24,560
Speaker 1: Was that bowling ball?

738
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 2: That was bowling ball?

739
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:26,160
Speaker 5: Yeah?

740
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,680
Speaker 2: I feel like a little aggressive. I gotta say the

741
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:35,520
Speaker 2: move should be the poison. But a gun with a

742
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:40,800
Speaker 2: silencer does feel like it's the uniform. It fits your uniform.

743
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,319
Speaker 1: And I was gonna say for me poison because I'm

744
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,240
Speaker 1: wearing a dead T shirt. It could I could pretend

745
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 1: that it's like acid that I'm putting on sugar cubes

746
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 1: for people. So I'm going with poison.

747
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, and.

748
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:53,760
Speaker 3: Roy, you're going with gun?

749
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 2: Oh? I think he has to where would he keep

750
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 2: the bowling ball? Yeah, I can't go bowling ball. There's

751
00:36:58,920 --> 00:36:59,399
Speaker 2: too much.

752
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:03,920
Speaker 3: Al Right, what's what's your rate? A one hundred thousand

753
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 3: dollars per kill wired to your offshore account. B one

754
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 3: thousand dollars per hour, and a five thousand dollars retainer.

755
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,360
Speaker 3: See whatever your rent and electric bill is that month?

756
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,919
Speaker 3: Or D twenty bucks in a Panera bread gift card.

757
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:21,799
Speaker 2: I mean, I like a I'd like to think I'm

758
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,919
Speaker 2: worth it, like I'd like to think I'm really good

759
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:24,279
Speaker 2: at it.

760
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,400
Speaker 1: I'm charging by the hour. My time is very valuable. Okay,

761
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,759
Speaker 1: what I'm curious what the resolution of this is going

762
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:31,000
Speaker 1: to be?

763
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 2: What do we get?

764
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:36,279
Speaker 1: You're gonna and well you have a a profile, but okay.

765
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 2: We'll each get an avatar and we have to use

766
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 2: it for one year.

767
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:42,160
Speaker 1: All right.

768
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 3: How are you nourishing yourself before a big day of murder?

769
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:48,439
Speaker 2: A bars? Obviously fruit?

770
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 3: Okay, well there's no right in rory. A fruit and yogurt.

771
00:37:55,360 --> 00:38:00,759
Speaker 3: B a perfect french omelet, C leftover pizza or d.

772
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 2: Milk frend JOm let, yogurt and granola. I'm just sticking

773
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:10,879
Speaker 2: I'm sticking on you're sticking with you're crunchy yepny all right?

774
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,239
Speaker 3: And finally, what what song are you listening to while

775
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:14,919
Speaker 3: doing the job?

776
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 2: Ay, you were going to go music? I knew music

777
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:18,919
Speaker 2: was next.

778
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:24,839
Speaker 3: A No music? You work best in silence. B Beethoven's

779
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 3: Fifth See any Doobie Brothers song or D twist and

780
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:31,920
Speaker 3: shout see Doobies.

781
00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, Josh, I feel like you have to go Doobies.

782
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 2: Just the profile you've built, it wouldn't make go Beethoven.

783
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:39,720
Speaker 1: I also got to go Doobies.

784
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:40,240
Speaker 2: It's true.

785
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:41,719
Speaker 3: Okay, this is interesting.

786
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 2: I would love to know that this is what you

787
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:46,600
Speaker 2: have to fill out on renta hitman dot com, Like

788
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,319
Speaker 2: when when you hit the hire me section you have

789
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,279
Speaker 2: to write all out how you'd like to look and be.

790
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:53,879
Speaker 2: Pick your hit Man?

791
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 3: All right, Ror, you got mostly a's. That means you're

792
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:04,280
Speaker 3: the savant. You're precise, clean efficient. If awards were for Hitman,

793
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 3: you'd have an egot like John Wick and Dexter combined.

794
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:09,320
Speaker 3: You're the best of the best.

795
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:11,919
Speaker 2: Oh, I love just to hear that feels so good

796
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,600
Speaker 2: and feel free to use that out of context whenever

797
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:15,600
Speaker 2: you're on a bad day.

798
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:17,280
Speaker 1: Just use that little clip in your headphone.

799
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:18,719
Speaker 2: Yes, you the best of the.

800
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:22,760
Speaker 3: Best, best of the best, Josh, you have a BC split,

801
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 3: which means you're a cross between the chill guy and

802
00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 3: the cold blooded killer who kind of.

803
00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 2: Dual personality contain multitudes.

804
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,319
Speaker 3: If you're feeling chill today, you're you're kind of like

805
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,960
Speaker 3: if the dude had a lust for blood. You got

806
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,919
Speaker 3: into the gig because it pays, It pays you and

807
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 3: you only have to work a few hours. Yeah, you

808
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,640
Speaker 3: don't care about the craft at all. You just want

809
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 3: to get the job done and go back to bed.

810
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 3: Or if you're feeling particularly artistic, you're the artist. You

811
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,080
Speaker 3: love crossword puzzles almost as much as you love murder.

812
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:00,759
Speaker 3: To you, every kill is a puzzle. This is your art.

813
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,759
Speaker 3: So you're really good at it. But maybe you're just

814
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:04,520
Speaker 3: not motivated.

815
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,920
Speaker 2: You know, I'm kind of surprised with your big Lebowski lifestyle.

816
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:09,959
Speaker 2: You didn't go bowling ball.

817
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just it's hard to conceal it though it is.

818
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:16,960
Speaker 1: You're right, and you do at Yeah, it's heavy. It's

819
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 1: meaning I would you sneak up on anybody because I

820
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:21,759
Speaker 1: and I what I learned from cartoons that i'd have

821
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,120
Speaker 1: to drop it from a very high floor onto someone's head.

822
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,240
Speaker 2: You'd have to really coyote it out.

823
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 1: Right, very hard. The level of difficulty for the bowling

824
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: ball very high because I'd have to drop it. And

825
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,480
Speaker 1: then I think, like it like you have to calculate

826
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:37,800
Speaker 1: the amount of distances. That's physics involved.

827
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 2: I think that's what I'm saying.

828
00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:41,759
Speaker 3: Maybe maybe you're a hitman for bowling leaks only, so

829
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:45,840
Speaker 3: you're just committing these crimes in the alley, the bowling alley.

830
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:49,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, not a dark alley, No, No, a fun one.

831
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:50,360
Speaker 2: Cigarettes.

832
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 3: You have cigarettes out there, cigarettes inside a lot of witnesses.

833
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:57,120
Speaker 1: So in closing, no one wins or we all win.

834
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:57,560
Speaker 2: We all win.

835
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 3: You learned a little bit about yourself, you know, Yeah

836
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:01,000
Speaker 3: I did that.

837
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:08,200
Speaker 2: Rory's great, and I'm you're an artistic child and you

838
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 2: are suggest passing the class.

839
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know you're fun to have in class.

840
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:16,880
Speaker 2: Your fun guy. Yes, your fun guy, your joyed half.

841
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:22,320
Speaker 1: Inclosing, everyone wins except the people who email run a

842
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:26,399
Speaker 1: hitman dot com. Oh those people, see you guys, next week,

843
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 1: next week. Crimeless is a production of SmartLess Media, Campside Media,

844
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 1: and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. It's

845
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:49,720
Speaker 1: hosted by Rory Scobel and me Josh Deen. Our senior

846
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 1: producer is Lane Rose. Emma Simonoff is our associate producer.

847
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 1: This episode was written by m Simonoff and me Josh Deen.

848
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,720
Speaker 1: We're sound designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support

849
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:04,759
Speaker 1: from Ewan letramwen Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The

850
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,799
Speaker 1: executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriatis, Matt Cher

851
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:13,280
Speaker 1: and me Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart Podcasts

852
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:17,239
Speaker 1: and Big Money Players are Jack O'Brien, Lindsay Hoffman, and

853
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 1: Matt Abadaca. For Smartlow's Media, the executive producers are Will Arnette,

854
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 1: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Richard Quarson. Bernie Kaminski is

855
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:30,200
Speaker 1: head of production. The associate producer is Mattie McCann. A

856
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,759
Speaker 1: special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Marra.

857
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:36,920
Speaker 1: Do you have a question, comment, or confession for the

858
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: Crimeless team? Email us at crime Liss at campsidmedia dot

859
00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:44,160
Speaker 1: com and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review

860
00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:45,920
Speaker 1: the show wherever you get your podcasts.

861
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 2: It helps people find the show and also makes us

862
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,920
Speaker 2: feel validated, unless you're mean, in which case keep it

863
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 2: to yourself.

864
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 1: We'll see you next week.

865
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 2: Crime list nations,