Speaker 1: Is someone just describing all their excess as crazy or insane?
Speaker 1: But then on top of that, are they also just
Speaker 1: with you because they didn't like being alone? And this
Speaker 1: is the kind of stuff you notice through their language, like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just so glad to not be with that person anymore.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad I don't have that in my life anymore.
Speaker 1: Rather than this is what I appreciate about you, this
Speaker 1: is what I really value about you. Notice how it's
Speaker 1: a negative skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew
Speaker 1: of the past is not as good as a positive
Speaker 1: skew to the future. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
Speaker 1: each and every one of you that come back every
Speaker 1: week to listen, learn, and grow. We've had some incredible,
Speaker 1: fascinating episodes recently, so many amazing conversations. I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that you don't miss out on them. This
Speaker 1: week we had the one and only Big Sean. A
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago we had the one and only
Speaker 1: Lauren London, two phenomenal episodes, and one of your favorite
Speaker 1: solo episodes was last week seven Ways to be Productive
Speaker 1: Even when you're tired, and from a few months ago,
Speaker 1: this one really stood out to all of you. Eight
Speaker 1: types of people you need in your life for twenty
Speaker 1: twenty two. That was January twenty eighth. Make sure you
Speaker 1: go back and take a listen if you miss those again.
Speaker 1: I am so grateful for your time, so grateful for
Speaker 1: your ears, and so grateful for your energy and presence
Speaker 1: in this moment. I also want to give a big
Speaker 1: shout out to all of you who've been bumping into
Speaker 1: me in and around LA Or while I'm traveling and
Speaker 1: telling me that you listen to on Purpose. It means
Speaker 1: the world to me. I literally couldn't be happier when
Speaker 1: someone says to me, Jay, I listen to on Purpose.
Speaker 1: And I just want to give you a massive hug.
Speaker 1: So even if I don't get to see you, if
Speaker 1: you're feeling that, I want to give you a big hug.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to know that, and I fully meander.
Speaker 1: I want to thank all of you you've been leaving
Speaker 1: amazing reviews for on Purpose. There are so many that
Speaker 1: I want to share with you. We now have over
Speaker 1: seventeen thousand, five hundred reviews. Our goal for this year
Speaker 1: is twenty thousands. So if you get a moment, please
Speaker 1: please please leave us a review. Okay, so today's episode
Speaker 1: is all about red flags that you shouldn't ignore and
Speaker 1: our signs to take seriously. The reason I'm sharing this
Speaker 1: episode is I was sitting with a friend recently and
Speaker 1: she was telling me how she'd been with this guy
Speaker 1: for six months and all of a sudden he ghosted her.
Speaker 1: Another friend told me that she was engaged to be
Speaker 1: married to this guy and all of a sudden it
Speaker 1: fell apart. And here's what's really really interesting. We always
Speaker 1: feel and we experience these things that they happen all
Speaker 1: of a sudden. When someone breaks up with you, doesn't
Speaker 1: it feel like I have no idea how that happened.
Speaker 1: When someone ends things, doesn't it feel like, wait, everything
Speaker 1: was perfect. When somethings fall apart, doesn't it feel like
Speaker 1: but that was going in the right direction. Rarely do
Speaker 1: we predict these moments. Rarely do we expect these moments.
Speaker 1: But they seem to happen in that order time and
Speaker 1: time again, where we're always caught off God, we're always
Speaker 1: in a state of shock. Why is it that it
Speaker 1: always feels that way? That is why they say love
Speaker 1: is blind, because when we think we're in love, we
Speaker 1: become blind to the red flags. We become blind to
Speaker 1: the signs. And when someone breaks up with us or
Speaker 1: ends a relationship, that's when we start to become investigators
Speaker 1: and start noticing all the tiny details. But before that,
Speaker 1: we ignored them. We didn't work through them, we didn't
Speaker 1: solve them, we didn't try to deeply understand them. So
Speaker 1: when I'm sharing these red flags with you today, I
Speaker 1: want you to see them more as a sign to
Speaker 1: stop and reflect. A red flag doesn't mean the end.
Speaker 1: A red flag means an opportunity to investigate, an opportunity
Speaker 1: to pause, take some time space and stillness to actually understand.
Speaker 1: And I say investigate first, and even before that, a
Speaker 1: red flag sparks inquiry. So in a relationship, when you
Speaker 1: first meet someone, you just interested. Now, as time goes on,
Speaker 1: we have to become more inquisitive, not just interested, deeply understand.
Speaker 1: When we start to spot red flags or signs that
Speaker 1: worry us, we have to investigate, and of course, if
Speaker 1: things go too far, we may even have to interrogate.
Speaker 1: So you notice the journey of understanding that ideally you
Speaker 1: go from being interested to being inquisitive and being intrigued,
Speaker 1: and your whole relationship is just inquiring about the other person,
Speaker 1: being interested in learning about them, which is how I
Speaker 1: feel with RADI. But if you see these signs, you
Speaker 1: see these red flags, you may have to take a moment.
Speaker 1: So I want to start off with a red flag.
Speaker 1: That's very interesting because it's often not perceived in that way.
Speaker 1: But a red flag is when someone wants to fall
Speaker 1: in love too fast, they want to move in with
Speaker 1: you really quickly. They're talking about marriage, they're talking about
Speaker 1: a proposal, they're talking about whiskey your way. Now, this
Speaker 1: is pretty normal in our teens, when we're inexperienced, when
Speaker 1: we're immature, when we don't have the understanding of our
Speaker 1: emotions and the person were with. But when we do
Speaker 1: this as adults. Even if you're listening to this and
Speaker 1: you say, well, our relationship worked out and we did
Speaker 1: all of those things, I would encourage you to still
Speaker 1: reevaluate whether you believe that that was healthy. I often
Speaker 1: say to rather that sometimes I feel we fell in
Speaker 1: love too quick and we got lucky, but we had
Speaker 1: to do the work anyway. And that's what relationships do,
Speaker 1: is that if you try and force something to be fast,
Speaker 1: a relationship will kick back and push back and ask
Speaker 1: you to do that work anyway. And so that what
Speaker 1: happens when you try and skip work in a relationship,
Speaker 1: the relationship pushes you back to the level. So sometimes
Speaker 1: you're like, well, wait a minute, it was so good
Speaker 1: when we started. I felt like we were at a seven.
Speaker 1: Now we're at a three. It's because your relationship only
Speaker 1: actually got to a three. You experience some seven, and
Speaker 1: now you're being pushed back and asked to earn it.
Speaker 1: It's almost like you had the cheat code in the beginning,
Speaker 1: you skipped a few levels of the game, and now
Speaker 1: the game saying wait, wait, wait, we caught your cheat code,
Speaker 1: and now you need to go back a few levels
Speaker 1: and earn this level of a relationship. So this term
Speaker 1: that's been used right now is love bombing. And it's
Speaker 1: interesting because the way therapists talk about it is that
Speaker 1: it's when someone makes you feel that you're dependent on them.
Speaker 1: So you start thinking that if you don't keep up
Speaker 1: with your partner and if you pause, then there's something
Speaker 1: wrong with you. So if someone saying to you, but
Speaker 1: but how you feel it I feel it, Let's just
Speaker 1: do it. You feel the same thing I feel right.
Speaker 1: You want to do this too right, you want this
Speaker 1: too right, and it's almost like you're being forced or
Speaker 1: impressed stepan to live at a certain pace. I always
Speaker 1: encourage everyone to live at the pace of love. That
Speaker 1: means to live it a pace that you love yourself.
Speaker 1: It means to live it a pace that you love life.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that there's no discomfort. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you don't welcome challenges, but you're able to reframe
Speaker 1: your mind to approach them differently. But you don't want
Speaker 1: to fall in love too fast. You don't want to
Speaker 1: be pushed into moving in too fast. If someone's talking
Speaker 1: about weddings on the first day, that is something to
Speaker 1: investigate because you know as well as they do, you
Speaker 1: barely know each other. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. I'll
Speaker 1: give an example. If you ever want to buy a house.
Speaker 1: You may fall in love with a house the moment
Speaker 1: you see it, but then you're meant to do certain checks.
Speaker 1: You do a mold test, you do a soil test,
Speaker 1: a test on the plumbing, the wiring, and then when
Speaker 1: you do the test, you realize whether it's a good
Speaker 1: investment or not. I'll give an example. Rather and I
Speaker 1: fell in love with a home a few years ago,
Speaker 1: and we rented it, and we went to visit it
Speaker 1: a few times before we rented it. But the first
Speaker 1: day we went there, we both loved it. Second day
Speaker 1: we went there, we both loved it. So we're like,
Speaker 1: this must be the home. Let's rent it. We rented it.
Speaker 1: The first day we moved in, and we arrived, the
Speaker 1: clock struck nine, and all we heard were frogs croaking really,
Speaker 1: really loud. We didn't realize that the surroundings of this
Speaker 1: home were so damp that we had frogs in our
Speaker 1: back garden that were croaking away. Now, some people loved
Speaker 1: the sound of frogs. They want to sleep to the
Speaker 1: sound of frogs. Not me and Rady. But we got
Speaker 1: used to that and we still loved the house. Now,
Speaker 1: let me tell you a bit more. This house was
Speaker 1: pretty old, and it had a lot of cracks. It
Speaker 1: had a lot of holes that we didn't know about.
Speaker 1: We just already had character. And every night I would
Speaker 1: wake up at least three times thinking someone was inside
Speaker 1: my house, because there'd be an animal through the floorboards.
Speaker 1: There'd be an animal outside the window. Now, when you're asleep,
Speaker 1: you can't tell the difference between an animal and a human,
Speaker 1: so when you hear steps, you wake up an anxiety.
Speaker 1: I would hear animals in the floorboards every night, outside
Speaker 1: the window, knocking against the window throughout the day. One
Speaker 1: day we even had a snake slither through the home.
Speaker 1: So now you're wondering, January, how did you fall in
Speaker 1: love with this house? We both love nature, we both
Speaker 1: loved being outdoors. But what I'm trying to say to
Speaker 1: you is that the more we live there, the more
Speaker 1: we learned about it. We realize the work it required,
Speaker 1: and we chose not to make that our long term
Speaker 1: home because of the work it required. But if you
Speaker 1: asked me that on the first day that I moved there,
Speaker 1: whether that could be my long term home, I would
Speaker 1: have said yes. And this is what we do in relationships.
Speaker 1: We go to a home and we go I love it.
Speaker 1: We find a person, we say I love them, They're amazing,
Speaker 1: they're perfect, They're just what I've been looking for. And
Speaker 1: then as we spend more time with them, we start
Speaker 1: to discover the cracks, We start to discover the weeds,
Speaker 1: and then the question we have to ask ourselves is
Speaker 1: do I want to work with this? Do I want
Speaker 1: to invest in this? Do I want to develop this?
Speaker 1: If the answer is yes, that's your relationship and if
Speaker 1: it's not, and if it is, you have to live
Speaker 1: with it. I remember we had contractors come out. We
Speaker 1: were thinking about buying this home, and I had contractors
Speaker 1: come out and walk me through what it would take
Speaker 1: to resurrect this property that we loved. And oh, my gosh,
Speaker 1: not just was it incredibly expensive, not just was it tiring,
Speaker 1: not just was it exhausting to think about what needed
Speaker 1: to be done, it would have taken years. And I
Speaker 1: tapped out. I said, I can't do this. I'm not
Speaker 1: patient enough, I don't have the time. That's not what
Speaker 1: I want to focus on. I want to focus on
Speaker 1: on purpose. I want to focus on my purpose. I
Speaker 1: want to focus on my career. I want to focus
Speaker 1: on our relationship. I want to be able to go
Speaker 1: on vacations, and I don't want to get lost trying
Speaker 1: to do this. So this is that second principle from
Speaker 1: the idea of falling in love too fast. When we investigate,
Speaker 1: we really start to understand what this is going to require.
Speaker 1: And the red flag in a relationship is when we go, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't need to investigate. Oh no, no, we're good.
Speaker 1: We're good. We don't need to ask questions. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I don't need to know that about them. Oh no no,
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in their past. Oh no, no, I'm
Speaker 1: not interested in that about them. Were this feeling that
Speaker 1: everything's new and everything's fine. That's what we did in
Speaker 1: the house. We're like, oh, but it's beautiful. There's so
Speaker 1: much sunlight. Oh it's stunning. Right. And I'm not telling
Speaker 1: you to be negative or spot the mistakes. I'm asking
Speaker 1: you to be aware of what work this is going
Speaker 1: to require if this is going to be real. The
Speaker 1: third thing that I want you to spot out as
Speaker 1: a sign is when someone talks about all their past
Speaker 1: relationships negatively or as their partner's fault. What does this mean?
Speaker 1: It means they have not learned from their partner. If
Speaker 1: someone only sees all their past relationships falling apart as
Speaker 1: a sign of their partner being insane, crazy, or weird,
Speaker 1: it means they have not been a reflective individual. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that their X wasn't crazy. I'm not even
Speaker 1: saying that their ex didn't cause problems in the relationship.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is can they reflect Do they
Speaker 1: have the capacity to discuss their past relationship in a
Speaker 1: way that shows what they've learned, how they've matured, and
Speaker 1: how they've grown Now. Often someone will say, look, I'm
Speaker 1: not ready to talk about it yet because I don't
Speaker 1: think I fully processed it. That's a healthier answer than
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, yeah he was crazy, she was insane.
Speaker 1: They were so intense, because what's happening here is they're
Speaker 1: not going to know how to process the lessons from
Speaker 1: the past to aidial relationship. They're not going to know
Speaker 1: their mistakes. They may not have the capacity to understand
Speaker 1: that now. I started to realize this when I was
Speaker 1: applying for jobs as an employee, but also when I
Speaker 1: became an employer. I would often sit down with a
Speaker 1: respective employee and ask them the question what excites you
Speaker 1: about this job right now? What is it that is
Speaker 1: interesting to you about this job right now? Or how
Speaker 1: I usually start a job interview, which is why is
Speaker 1: this job right for you right now? And why are
Speaker 1: you right for this job? And that's kind of the
Speaker 1: question you're asking in relationships, because relationships aren't just about
Speaker 1: two people, they're also about timing. And so the question
Speaker 1: you're really asking is why are we right for each other?
Speaker 1: And why are we right for each other right now?
Speaker 1: And so hiring someone is very similar to being in
Speaker 1: a relationship with them. And it's fascinating to me because
Speaker 1: I'd say fifty percent of the time the answer was
Speaker 1: I don't like my current job. And that is a
Speaker 1: real telltale sign about someone's motivation. If someone's motivation to
Speaker 1: be with you is because they don't want to be
Speaker 1: where they are, chances are they're not making that decision
Speaker 1: based on real quality intention. If someone says to me, Jay, yeah,
Speaker 1: like the reason why this is right for me right
Speaker 1: now is I'm just bored at my current workplace. I'm
Speaker 1: not getting anything out of it. Notice they could say, Jay,
Speaker 1: what I'm really excited about is the opportunities here. I'm
Speaker 1: excited for the ability to grow with you and grow
Speaker 1: with your team. Notice the difference. Now, I'm not saying
Speaker 1: it's a technique. I don't want someone to lie to me.
Speaker 1: I'm happy when people are honest with me. And actually,
Speaker 1: if someone's honest with me and tells me that their
Speaker 1: workplace isn't great. I'll be like, I want to help
Speaker 1: you in a different way, like I want you to
Speaker 1: find a way out, but I need to know you
Speaker 1: want to be with me, not that you don't want
Speaker 1: to not be where you are. A healthy relationship is
Speaker 1: not existing because you don't want to be where you are.
Speaker 1: A healthy relationship exists because you're with me because you
Speaker 1: want to be with me. And for so many people,
Speaker 1: their decision making is relieving stress rather then creating joy, right,
Speaker 1: their intention, their focus is decreasing the pressure in their
Speaker 1: life rather than increasing the passion in their life. And
Speaker 1: that's the question you want to see when someone's with you.
Speaker 1: Are they just decreasing pressure because you're easier, you're nicer,
Speaker 1: you're supposedly they're telling you you're not insane, And that's
Speaker 1: a step further. So the third idea was this idea
Speaker 1: of someone just describing all their excess as crazy or
Speaker 1: insane or that they were the problem, so they don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity to reflect. But then on top of that,
Speaker 1: are they also just with you because they didn't like
Speaker 1: being alone? And this is the kind of stuff you
Speaker 1: notice through their language, like oh, I'm just so glad
Speaker 1: to not be with that person anymore. I'm so glad
Speaker 1: I don't have that in my life anymore. Rather than
Speaker 1: this is what I appreciate about you, this is what
Speaker 1: I really value about you. Notice how it's a negative
Speaker 1: skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew of the
Speaker 1: past is not as good as a positive skew to
Speaker 1: the future. Just because you're with someone who thinks you're
Speaker 1: better than their X doesn't mean that you are right
Speaker 1: for them or that that is a good fit. Right.
Speaker 1: So the fifth reason is they're not great at managing conflict. Again,
Speaker 1: none of these signs are break up with them. They're
Speaker 1: the worst. We don't have these skills, we're not trained
Speaker 1: in these skills. But if someone doesn't handle your first
Speaker 1: conflict right, you've got to make that a priority to
Speaker 1: build if you want to invest in that relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: I'd be honest and say, when me and Rady first
Speaker 1: got together, I don't think I manage conflict right, and
Speaker 1: I don't think she managed conflict right. I think we
Speaker 1: both didn't understand. And what I want you to understand
Speaker 1: about conflict is everyone has a different way of dealing
Speaker 1: with conflict, and the easiest way is to figure out
Speaker 1: how that person deals with conflict and if it's healthy. Now,
Speaker 1: I'll give an example. Right these way of dealing with
Speaker 1: conflict is being quiet and thinking about it. My way
Speaker 1: of dealing with conflict is talking about it and having
Speaker 1: a conversation. They are polar opposites. Both are healthy for
Speaker 1: both of us. Anger is not healthy. You feeling unsafe
Speaker 1: is not healthy. When Riley doesn't talk to me, yes,
Speaker 1: do I feel upset or did I used to feel
Speaker 1: up Say yes, but I didn't feel unsafe. I didn't
Speaker 1: feel threatened. I may feel a bit insecure, but not
Speaker 1: unsafe or threatened. And similarly, if I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: about it and she didn't, she didn't feel unsafe or
Speaker 1: threatened by me. It just felt uncomfortable. So what I
Speaker 1: would encourage you to do is figure out your conflict
Speaker 1: style very early on and recognize that people have different
Speaker 1: ways of dealing with conflict and that's okay. But as
Speaker 1: long as you don't feel scared or unsafe or threatened.
Speaker 1: I want to share with you the biggest news of
Speaker 1: the year. How many of you want to meditate? I
Speaker 1: can see your heads nodding I can see you raising
Speaker 1: your hands. I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I
Speaker 1: really want to learn to meditate. How many of you
Speaker 1: would like to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now?
Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know
Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay,
Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took
Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days
Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I
Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm.
Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series
Speaker 1: called The Daily Ja, where you can meditate with me
Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a
Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and
Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful
Speaker 1: meditation practice. And guess what We're going to do it together?
Speaker 1: Head over right now Atcalm dot com Forward slash jay
Speaker 1: to get forty percent of a premium membership. That's Calm
Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash j. A really interesting red flag
Speaker 1: is when someone is highly touchy feely physical with you
Speaker 1: without your permission and when you are trying to create distance.
Speaker 1: So I find that a lot of people are trying
Speaker 1: to hold hands too early, they're trying to kiss too early,
Speaker 1: they're trying to get wherever they can too early. And
Speaker 1: if you just keep laughing it off and smiling it
Speaker 1: off because you're still attracted to them or you think
Speaker 1: they're the one, or whatever it is, you're basically setting
Speaker 1: a boundary that says you can keep pushing boundaries and
Speaker 1: I will laugh it off. And unfortunately, that can escalate
Speaker 1: pretty bad. That can get much more serious, much more quicker,
Speaker 1: And you don't want to land in a position where
Speaker 1: something bigger happens in a few years, something bigger happens
Speaker 1: in a few years, and you're wondering, well, how did
Speaker 1: that happen, Why did that happen, and why is that
Speaker 1: going on? And where did that come from? And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying it's your fault at all. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that that's ever condoned. I'm saying that you can set
Speaker 1: the right standard earlier in the relationship, right, I'm saying
Speaker 1: you can definitely, definitely, definitely set the right standard at
Speaker 1: the beginning of the relationship. Another interesting red flag is
Speaker 1: they make you feel bad for people being attracted to you,
Speaker 1: they make you feel bad for their jealousy. There was
Speaker 1: this funny TikTok that went viral a while ago, and
Speaker 1: it was when a man and a woman in this case,
Speaker 1: in this scenario, were walking to their apartment and you
Speaker 1: hear a girl's voice that says, oh, I like your
Speaker 1: T shirt. And he says, oh, thank you. And they
Speaker 1: get inside and his girlfriend says, oh, I like your
Speaker 1: T shirt? Thank you? Like who are you? Like? Who
Speaker 1: is you know? And it's like you're getting made to
Speaker 1: feel bad for people liking you. You're getting made to
Speaker 1: feel bad because that person feels jealous. So they're telling
Speaker 1: you like, why are you talking to that person? Or
Speaker 1: why why did you say hello back? Why did you
Speaker 1: respond to them when they were hitting on you? Of course,
Speaker 1: if you've flirted back, sure, but if you're normal back
Speaker 1: in a normal human interaction. I someone complimented you and
Speaker 1: you said thank you, and someone makes you feel bad
Speaker 1: for saying thank you when you weren't flirting and that
Speaker 1: you have to be honest with yourself about, then that's
Speaker 1: a really unhealthy trait because now you're setting yourself up
Speaker 1: for being mistrusted and having someone who's being insecure now,
Speaker 1: how do you deal with that? Again, you don't just
Speaker 1: break up with someone. How do you deal with that?
Speaker 1: You sit down with them and say, hey, where's this
Speaker 1: insecurity coming from? And they'll probably say, I'm not insecure,
Speaker 1: I'm not jealous. So that's not the question you ask them,
Speaker 1: right the question You say, hey, how can I make
Speaker 1: you feel secure in this relationship? How can I give
Speaker 1: you the feeling that I want to be with you?
Speaker 1: What is it that you need from me? And if
Speaker 1: they say I don't want you to talk to anyone
Speaker 1: ever else again, or if someone compliments you, then you'd say, well,
Speaker 1: what does that mean? Because where is that coming from? Now?
Speaker 1: What I find is this is where it gets uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: If we're not trained to be coaches or therapists, it's
Speaker 1: really hard to guide our partners through this conversation without
Speaker 1: a getting personal, without a getting emotional. And this is
Speaker 1: where the person in your life needs to be open
Speaker 1: to forms of therapy, needs to be open to forms
Speaker 1: of coaching, needs to be open to these ideas, because
Speaker 1: if they're not open to it, that gets really tricky.
Speaker 1: And I think that's why when someone is fully dependent
Speaker 1: on you for their mental health, their well being their
Speaker 1: emotional state. That is a tall order, and I think
Speaker 1: early on in the relationship, it feels really good to
Speaker 1: be wanted to be someone guide and someone's coach and
Speaker 1: someone's at home therapist. But you've also good to resist
Speaker 1: that temptation. Sometimes it feels good to save someone and
Speaker 1: you have to give up that savior mentality. You have
Speaker 1: to give up that desire to be wanted in that
Speaker 1: way because that's going to set the standard that this
Speaker 1: person just runs to you when they need you, right,
Speaker 1: that this person just runs to you when they need anyone.
Speaker 1: So really, you want to help that person set up
Speaker 1: the right structure for supports. You want to say, okay, look,
Speaker 1: I see that this is a recurring thing in your life.
Speaker 1: I think you need a trainer. I think you need
Speaker 1: a therapist. I think we should help you find this.
Speaker 1: And they're more likely to listen to you if they
Speaker 1: see you surrounding yourself with coaches as well. See, people
Speaker 1: are not happy to take advice when they don't see
Speaker 1: you taking your own advice. And this is why giving
Speaker 1: advice is really good, because then you're to take it yourself.
Speaker 1: I really believe that the advice I give I'm going
Speaker 1: to try to take myself and it's not always easy, right,
Speaker 1: It's not always easy. I fail every day. I make
Speaker 1: mistakes every day. But I'm trying. And as long as
Speaker 1: you're trying, people will be happy to see you try
Speaker 1: and they will also try. But if people don't see
Speaker 1: you trying, it's going to be really hard for them
Speaker 1: to consider how this fits in this one. I find
Speaker 1: really fascinating. When I read about Steve Jobs and his
Speaker 1: biography by Walter Isaacson, who we've also had on the podcast,
Speaker 1: I learned about something which is a term called RDF
Speaker 1: reality distortion field. It's when someone distorts reality to suit
Speaker 1: their narrative. I when you say to someone, hey, you
Speaker 1: remember when this happened. I didn't appreciate you did this,
Speaker 1: and they go that never happened, and you say, no,
Speaker 1: it definitely happened. I mean I know two other people
Speaker 1: and they're like, that didn't happen, Like that's not true.
Speaker 1: They make you doubt what you just said. You may say, oh,
Speaker 1: I just heard you say you know your girlfriend's name.
Speaker 1: I just said you say your boyfriend, your ex boyfriend's name,
Speaker 1: and they're like, no, I didn't there was a scene
Speaker 1: in Entourage years ago. If you're an Entourage fan. Rather
Speaker 1: he's a huge Entourage fan. She made me watch it.
Speaker 1: There was a scene in Entourage where I believe the
Speaker 1: name of the characters Eric Eric Murphy, and he's dating
Speaker 1: a girl and he remembers Sloan, who's the girl he
Speaker 1: wants forever, And she says to him, she goes, you
Speaker 1: just said your ex girlfriend's name while we were kissing,
Speaker 1: And he's like, no, I didn't, No, I didn't. That's
Speaker 1: just in your head. You're just hearing things, right. That
Speaker 1: is a seed of reality distortion field. But what reality
Speaker 1: distortion field is that person keeps lying or keeps portraying
Speaker 1: or playing a role for so long that they actually
Speaker 1: believe that that is reality. That's what's fascinating about reality
Speaker 1: distortion field. It's not just that someone is a liar.
Speaker 1: It's that they've repeated that lie so much that they
Speaker 1: believe it's the truth. So when they talk to you,
Speaker 1: they talk to you as if it's a matter of fact.
Speaker 1: They talk to you as if that is it. And
Speaker 1: so you have to look out for those seeds. Is
Speaker 1: if you're being pushed back on your reality and your experience,
Speaker 1: and you're not allowed to have that, if you're not
Speaker 1: allowed to have a difference of opinion, if you're not
Speaker 1: allowed to think differently. And by the way, this applies
Speaker 1: to you too, all of these apply to you. How
Speaker 1: many of you are listening to this list? Going, Jay,
Speaker 1: I do this to people? Am I a red flag?
Speaker 1: And it's like, no, you're not a red flag? But
Speaker 1: we all do things like this, and that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's not about breaking up with someone, It's about being
Speaker 1: aware so we can build through. I really hope this
Speaker 1: episode has helped you today. I really hope you're going
Speaker 1: to pass it on to someone who's just started dating,
Speaker 1: maybe who's single, maybe he's just come out of a breakup.
Speaker 1: It will help explain so much of what they're going
Speaker 1: through and experiencing in life. And I really really think
Speaker 1: it's going to benefit a lot of people, So please
Speaker 1: pass it on. Thank you so much for listening today.
Speaker 1: I'm going to read a few reviews and I'm going
Speaker 1: to say your names, so make sure you leave reviews
Speaker 1: with your names. This one is from Karen Rizzl. Jay,
Speaker 1: You've really gotten me through a couple of tough years
Speaker 1: being seventy one and retired is challenging at times, but
Speaker 1: getting through scary health issues with my husband Ron along
Speaker 1: with COVID has been hard at times. So I've thrown
Speaker 1: myself into cooking healthy meals, listening to your podcast while
Speaker 1: I walk, and I'm spending as much time outside appreciating
Speaker 1: nature and it's repeating wonders. Thanks for your constant encouragement. PS.
Speaker 1: Even with this health scare, my husband is listening to
Speaker 1: you two and has continued his Zoom classes on writing
Speaker 1: and critiquing. You've boosted us both, helping us to know
Speaker 1: that you have to keep pushing on. I love that.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. This is from Jana. I'm a
Speaker 1: new listener, but I've enjoyed the conversation. Thank you for
Speaker 1: making us dive deeper into an issue and realizing our potential.
Speaker 1: I enjoy listening to at least one a day. I
Speaker 1: find myself starting my day with one and reflecting throughout
Speaker 1: the day. Thank you for being you. Keep it off
Speaker 1: means so so much to me. And this is from Janice.
Speaker 1: This podcast made me think and start making decisions on
Speaker 1: what I really want. Jay, I'd learned so much from
Speaker 1: your experiences. Guests, and I am very grateful. Thank you
Speaker 1: for all those five star reviews. Make sure you leave
Speaker 1: one too, and I'll see you next time. Thanks everyone,