WEBVTT - 8 Relationship Red Flags To Never Avoid and 4 Ways To Investigate Further 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.000 Is someone just describing all their excess as crazy or insane? 0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:05.600 But then on top of that, are they also just 0:00:05.640 --> 0:00:08.400 with you because they didn't like being alone? And this 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:11.319 is the kind of stuff you notice through their language, like, Oh, 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:13.760 I'm just so glad to not be with that person anymore. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:16.639 I'm so glad I don't have that in my life anymore. 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:19.799 Rather than this is what I appreciate about you, this 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:21.840 is what I really value about you. Notice how it's 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:25.400 a negative skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:28.360 of the past is not as good as a positive 0:00:28.360 --> 0:00:38.640 skew to the future. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, 0:00:38.680 --> 0:00:41.479 the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to 0:00:41.600 --> 0:00:43.480 each and every one of you that come back every 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:49.520 week to listen, learn, and grow. We've had some incredible, 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:53.920 fascinating episodes recently, so many amazing conversations. I want to 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:56.120 make sure that you don't miss out on them. This 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.520 week we had the one and only Big Sean. A 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:01.240 couple of weeks ago we had the one and only 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:05.840 Lauren London, two phenomenal episodes, and one of your favorite 0:01:05.880 --> 0:01:10.000 solo episodes was last week seven Ways to be Productive 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:13.839 Even when you're tired, and from a few months ago, 0:01:13.959 --> 0:01:16.759 this one really stood out to all of you. Eight 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:20.480 types of people you need in your life for twenty 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:23.560 twenty two. That was January twenty eighth. Make sure you 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:26.560 go back and take a listen if you miss those again. 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:29.280 I am so grateful for your time, so grateful for 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:34.160 your ears, and so grateful for your energy and presence 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:38.399 in this moment. I also want to give a big 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:40.480 shout out to all of you who've been bumping into 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:43.480 me in and around LA Or while I'm traveling and 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:45.479 telling me that you listen to on Purpose. It means 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:48.400 the world to me. I literally couldn't be happier when 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:50.360 someone says to me, Jay, I listen to on Purpose. 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:51.840 And I just want to give you a massive hug. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.640 So even if I don't get to see you, if 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:57.760 you're feeling that, I want to give you a big hug. 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:00.480 I just wanted to know that, and I fully meander. 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:02.800 I want to thank all of you you've been leaving 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.600 amazing reviews for on Purpose. There are so many that 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:08.880 I want to share with you. We now have over 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:12.600 seventeen thousand, five hundred reviews. Our goal for this year 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:15.040 is twenty thousands. So if you get a moment, please 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:21.519 please please leave us a review. Okay, so today's episode 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:29.200 is all about red flags that you shouldn't ignore and 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:34.160 our signs to take seriously. The reason I'm sharing this 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:38.280 episode is I was sitting with a friend recently and 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:42.120 she was telling me how she'd been with this guy 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:46.320 for six months and all of a sudden he ghosted her. 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:49.200 Another friend told me that she was engaged to be 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:52.320 married to this guy and all of a sudden it 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:58.760 fell apart. And here's what's really really interesting. We always 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:03.919 feel and we experience these things that they happen all 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:07.440 of a sudden. When someone breaks up with you, doesn't 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:10.960 it feel like I have no idea how that happened. 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:15.040 When someone ends things, doesn't it feel like, wait, everything 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:18.840 was perfect. When somethings fall apart, doesn't it feel like 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.840 but that was going in the right direction. Rarely do 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:27.880 we predict these moments. Rarely do we expect these moments. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.800 But they seem to happen in that order time and 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:35.800 time again, where we're always caught off God, we're always 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:40.120 in a state of shock. Why is it that it 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:43.080 always feels that way? That is why they say love 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:46.400 is blind, because when we think we're in love, we 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:50.360 become blind to the red flags. We become blind to 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:55.880 the signs. And when someone breaks up with us or 0:03:56.000 --> 0:04:01.000 ends a relationship, that's when we start to become investigators 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:07.000 and start noticing all the tiny details. But before that, 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:12.320 we ignored them. We didn't work through them, we didn't 0:04:12.440 --> 0:04:17.160 solve them, we didn't try to deeply understand them. So 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:20.760 when I'm sharing these red flags with you today, I 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:23.240 want you to see them more as a sign to 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:27.520 stop and reflect. A red flag doesn't mean the end. 0:04:28.279 --> 0:04:33.760 A red flag means an opportunity to investigate, an opportunity 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:40.240 to pause, take some time space and stillness to actually understand. 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:46.240 And I say investigate first, and even before that, a 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:50.640 red flag sparks inquiry. So in a relationship, when you 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:55.560 first meet someone, you just interested. Now, as time goes on, 0:04:55.920 --> 0:05:01.160 we have to become more inquisitive, not just interested, deeply understand. 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:05.240 When we start to spot red flags or signs that 0:05:05.320 --> 0:05:10.160 worry us, we have to investigate, and of course, if 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:13.839 things go too far, we may even have to interrogate. 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:17.640 So you notice the journey of understanding that ideally you 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:22.040 go from being interested to being inquisitive and being intrigued, 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.640 and your whole relationship is just inquiring about the other person, 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:28.479 being interested in learning about them, which is how I 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:31.719 feel with RADI. But if you see these signs, you 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.599 see these red flags, you may have to take a moment. 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:39.320 So I want to start off with a red flag. 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:43.640 That's very interesting because it's often not perceived in that way. 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:49.240 But a red flag is when someone wants to fall 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:52.440 in love too fast, they want to move in with 0:05:52.480 --> 0:05:57.000 you really quickly. They're talking about marriage, they're talking about 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:02.000 a proposal, they're talking about whiskey your way. Now, this 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:06.320 is pretty normal in our teens, when we're inexperienced, when 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:10.600 we're immature, when we don't have the understanding of our 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:14.560 emotions and the person were with. But when we do 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.719 this as adults. Even if you're listening to this and 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:19.800 you say, well, our relationship worked out and we did 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:22.840 all of those things, I would encourage you to still 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:27.000 reevaluate whether you believe that that was healthy. I often 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:29.039 say to rather that sometimes I feel we fell in 0:06:29.040 --> 0:06:32.039 love too quick and we got lucky, but we had 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:34.599 to do the work anyway. And that's what relationships do, 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:38.279 is that if you try and force something to be fast, 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:42.719 a relationship will kick back and push back and ask 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:45.120 you to do that work anyway. And so that what 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:48.200 happens when you try and skip work in a relationship, 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:51.839 the relationship pushes you back to the level. So sometimes 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:53.320 you're like, well, wait a minute, it was so good 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:56.160 when we started. I felt like we were at a seven. 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:59.520 Now we're at a three. It's because your relationship only 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:02.800 actually got to a three. You experience some seven, and 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:06.200 now you're being pushed back and asked to earn it. 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:08.640 It's almost like you had the cheat code in the beginning, 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.080 you skipped a few levels of the game, and now 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.720 the game saying wait, wait, wait, we caught your cheat code, 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:16.280 and now you need to go back a few levels 0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:21.440 and earn this level of a relationship. So this term 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:25.680 that's been used right now is love bombing. And it's 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:31.160 interesting because the way therapists talk about it is that 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:35.640 it's when someone makes you feel that you're dependent on them. 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:41.400 So you start thinking that if you don't keep up 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:44.760 with your partner and if you pause, then there's something 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:47.040 wrong with you. So if someone saying to you, but 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:49.200 but how you feel it I feel it, Let's just 0:07:49.280 --> 0:07:53.080 do it. You feel the same thing I feel right. 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:54.920 You want to do this too right, you want this 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:58.880 too right, and it's almost like you're being forced or 0:07:59.400 --> 0:08:04.480 impressed stepan to live at a certain pace. I always 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:10.160 encourage everyone to live at the pace of love. That 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:12.880 means to live it a pace that you love yourself. 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.920 It means to live it a pace that you love life. 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.240 That doesn't mean that there's no discomfort. It doesn't mean 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:26.360 that you don't welcome challenges, but you're able to reframe 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:30.120 your mind to approach them differently. But you don't want 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:31.920 to fall in love too fast. You don't want to 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:34.280 be pushed into moving in too fast. If someone's talking 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:38.719 about weddings on the first day, that is something to 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:43.960 investigate because you know as well as they do, you 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:49.439 barely know each other. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. I'll 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:52.720 give an example. If you ever want to buy a house. 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:55.760 You may fall in love with a house the moment 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:58.920 you see it, but then you're meant to do certain checks. 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.680 You do a mold test, you do a soil test, 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:07.760 a test on the plumbing, the wiring, and then when 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:09.760 you do the test, you realize whether it's a good 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:13.239 investment or not. I'll give an example. Rather and I 0:09:13.280 --> 0:09:16.720 fell in love with a home a few years ago, 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:21.000 and we rented it, and we went to visit it 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:23.440 a few times before we rented it. But the first 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.280 day we went there, we both loved it. Second day 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:27.720 we went there, we both loved it. So we're like, 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:30.760 this must be the home. Let's rent it. We rented it. 0:09:31.720 --> 0:09:36.120 The first day we moved in, and we arrived, the 0:09:36.200 --> 0:09:44.000 clock struck nine, and all we heard were frogs croaking really, 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:49.440 really loud. We didn't realize that the surroundings of this 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:53.480 home were so damp that we had frogs in our 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:56.880 back garden that were croaking away. Now, some people loved 0:09:56.880 --> 0:09:58.680 the sound of frogs. They want to sleep to the 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:02.360 sound of frogs. Not me and Rady. But we got 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:06.440 used to that and we still loved the house. Now, 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.440 let me tell you a bit more. This house was 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:13.280 pretty old, and it had a lot of cracks. It 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:16.120 had a lot of holes that we didn't know about. 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.720 We just already had character. And every night I would 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:24.160 wake up at least three times thinking someone was inside 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:30.880 my house, because there'd be an animal through the floorboards. 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:36.240 There'd be an animal outside the window. Now, when you're asleep, 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:39.800 you can't tell the difference between an animal and a human, 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:43.200 so when you hear steps, you wake up an anxiety. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:46.240 I would hear animals in the floorboards every night, outside 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:50.000 the window, knocking against the window throughout the day. One 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:52.720 day we even had a snake slither through the home. 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:55.760 So now you're wondering, January, how did you fall in 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:58.200 love with this house? We both love nature, we both 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:01.200 loved being outdoors. But what I'm trying to say to 0:11:01.240 --> 0:11:05.760 you is that the more we live there, the more 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:09.600 we learned about it. We realize the work it required, 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:12.640 and we chose not to make that our long term 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:15.880 home because of the work it required. But if you 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:18.480 asked me that on the first day that I moved there, 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:20.400 whether that could be my long term home, I would 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:24.079 have said yes. And this is what we do in relationships. 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:27.679 We go to a home and we go I love it. 0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:29.920 We find a person, we say I love them, They're amazing, 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:33.200 they're perfect, They're just what I've been looking for. And 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:34.960 then as we spend more time with them, we start 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:38.760 to discover the cracks, We start to discover the weeds, 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:41.760 and then the question we have to ask ourselves is 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.319 do I want to work with this? Do I want 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:48.079 to invest in this? Do I want to develop this? 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:51.440 If the answer is yes, that's your relationship and if 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:53.480 it's not, and if it is, you have to live 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:55.920 with it. I remember we had contractors come out. We 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.359 were thinking about buying this home, and I had contractors 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.240 come out and walk me through what it would take 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:06.400 to resurrect this property that we loved. And oh, my gosh, 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:11.040 not just was it incredibly expensive, not just was it tiring, 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.040 not just was it exhausting to think about what needed 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:17.200 to be done, it would have taken years. And I 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:19.560 tapped out. I said, I can't do this. I'm not 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:22.240 patient enough, I don't have the time. That's not what 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:23.880 I want to focus on. I want to focus on 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.240 on purpose. I want to focus on my purpose. I 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:28.480 want to focus on my career. I want to focus 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:30.040 on our relationship. I want to be able to go 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.080 on vacations, and I don't want to get lost trying 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:37.400 to do this. So this is that second principle from 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:41.480 the idea of falling in love too fast. When we investigate, 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:44.520 we really start to understand what this is going to require. 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.160 And the red flag in a relationship is when we go, oh, 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:49.319 I don't need to investigate. Oh no, no, we're good. 0:12:49.360 --> 0:12:51.680 We're good. We don't need to ask questions. No, no, no, 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.160 I don't need to know that about them. Oh no no, 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:56.679 I'm not interested in their past. Oh no, no, I'm 0:12:56.720 --> 0:13:01.280 not interested in that about them. Were this feeling that 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:04.160 everything's new and everything's fine. That's what we did in 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:05.760 the house. We're like, oh, but it's beautiful. There's so 0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:08.640 much sunlight. Oh it's stunning. Right. And I'm not telling 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:12.120 you to be negative or spot the mistakes. I'm asking 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:14.440 you to be aware of what work this is going 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:19.200 to require if this is going to be real. The 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:21.560 third thing that I want you to spot out as 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:27.160 a sign is when someone talks about all their past 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:33.720 relationships negatively or as their partner's fault. What does this mean? 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:40.360 It means they have not learned from their partner. If 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:45.120 someone only sees all their past relationships falling apart as 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.920 a sign of their partner being insane, crazy, or weird, 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:54.920 it means they have not been a reflective individual. I'm 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:57.640 not saying that their X wasn't crazy. I'm not even 0:13:57.679 --> 0:14:00.840 saying that their ex didn't cause problems in the relationship. 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.959 But what I'm saying is can they reflect Do they 0:14:03.960 --> 0:14:09.720 have the capacity to discuss their past relationship in a 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:13.640 way that shows what they've learned, how they've matured, and 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:16.600 how they've grown Now. Often someone will say, look, I'm 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:18.600 not ready to talk about it yet because I don't 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:22.440 think I fully processed it. That's a healthier answer than 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.920 oh my gosh, yeah he was crazy, she was insane. 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:34.120 They were so intense, because what's happening here is they're 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:37.200 not going to know how to process the lessons from 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:41.360 the past to aidial relationship. They're not going to know 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:46.760 their mistakes. They may not have the capacity to understand 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:54.000 that now. I started to realize this when I was 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:56.640 applying for jobs as an employee, but also when I 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:59.800 became an employer. I would often sit down with a 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:06.240 respective employee and ask them the question what excites you 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:09.560 about this job right now? What is it that is 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:12.840 interesting to you about this job right now? Or how 0:15:12.880 --> 0:15:16.720 I usually start a job interview, which is why is 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:20.160 this job right for you right now? And why are 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:22.640 you right for this job? And that's kind of the 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:26.320 question you're asking in relationships, because relationships aren't just about 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:29.320 two people, they're also about timing. And so the question 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:31.520 you're really asking is why are we right for each other? 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:33.480 And why are we right for each other right now? 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:37.440 And so hiring someone is very similar to being in 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:40.320 a relationship with them. And it's fascinating to me because 0:15:40.360 --> 0:15:44.440 I'd say fifty percent of the time the answer was 0:15:44.840 --> 0:15:49.240 I don't like my current job. And that is a 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:56.800 real telltale sign about someone's motivation. If someone's motivation to 0:15:57.000 --> 0:15:59.680 be with you is because they don't want to be 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:03.960 where they are, chances are they're not making that decision 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:08.960 based on real quality intention. If someone says to me, Jay, yeah, 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:10.920 like the reason why this is right for me right 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:13.520 now is I'm just bored at my current workplace. I'm 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:17.560 not getting anything out of it. Notice they could say, Jay, 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:20.760 what I'm really excited about is the opportunities here. I'm 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:22.800 excited for the ability to grow with you and grow 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:26.000 with your team. Notice the difference. Now, I'm not saying 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:27.920 it's a technique. I don't want someone to lie to me. 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:30.240 I'm happy when people are honest with me. And actually, 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:31.800 if someone's honest with me and tells me that their 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:35.360 workplace isn't great. I'll be like, I want to help 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:37.040 you in a different way, like I want you to 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:39.720 find a way out, but I need to know you 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.240 want to be with me, not that you don't want 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:45.600 to not be where you are. A healthy relationship is 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:47.920 not existing because you don't want to be where you are. 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:51.640 A healthy relationship exists because you're with me because you 0:16:51.680 --> 0:16:54.480 want to be with me. And for so many people, 0:16:54.680 --> 0:17:02.360 their decision making is relieving stress rather then creating joy, right, 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:07.800 their intention, their focus is decreasing the pressure in their 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:12.720 life rather than increasing the passion in their life. And 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.080 that's the question you want to see when someone's with you. 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:20.800 Are they just decreasing pressure because you're easier, you're nicer, 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:25.440 you're supposedly they're telling you you're not insane, And that's 0:17:25.440 --> 0:17:28.480 a step further. So the third idea was this idea 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:31.199 of someone just describing all their excess as crazy or 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:34.120 insane or that they were the problem, so they don't 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:36.920 have the capacity to reflect. But then on top of that, 0:17:37.480 --> 0:17:39.320 are they also just with you because they didn't like 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.280 being alone? And this is the kind of stuff you 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:45.440 notice through their language, like oh, I'm just so glad 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:48.000 to not be with that person anymore. I'm so glad 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:50.239 I don't have that in my life anymore. Rather than 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:53.520 this is what I appreciate about you, this is what 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:55.800 I really value about you. Notice how it's a negative 0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:59.159 skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew of the 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:02.679 past is not as good as a positive skew to 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:06.000 the future. Just because you're with someone who thinks you're 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:09.480 better than their X doesn't mean that you are right 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:12.399 for them or that that is a good fit. Right. 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:20.280 So the fifth reason is they're not great at managing conflict. Again, 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.360 none of these signs are break up with them. They're 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:25.719 the worst. We don't have these skills, we're not trained 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:29.760 in these skills. But if someone doesn't handle your first 0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:32.719 conflict right, you've got to make that a priority to 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:34.959 build if you want to invest in that relationship. Now, 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:36.680 I'd be honest and say, when me and Rady first 0:18:36.680 --> 0:18:39.119 got together, I don't think I manage conflict right, and 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:41.280 I don't think she managed conflict right. I think we 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:45.040 both didn't understand. And what I want you to understand 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.879 about conflict is everyone has a different way of dealing 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.640 with conflict, and the easiest way is to figure out 0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:55.800 how that person deals with conflict and if it's healthy. Now, 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:58.439 I'll give an example. Right these way of dealing with 0:18:58.520 --> 0:19:01.680 conflict is being quiet and thinking about it. My way 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:04.160 of dealing with conflict is talking about it and having 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:07.600 a conversation. They are polar opposites. Both are healthy for 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:13.280 both of us. Anger is not healthy. You feeling unsafe 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:16.920 is not healthy. When Riley doesn't talk to me, yes, 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:18.800 do I feel upset or did I used to feel 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:21.480 up Say yes, but I didn't feel unsafe. I didn't 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:24.040 feel threatened. I may feel a bit insecure, but not 0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:27.240 unsafe or threatened. And similarly, if I wanted to talk 0:19:27.280 --> 0:19:29.879 about it and she didn't, she didn't feel unsafe or 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:33.600 threatened by me. It just felt uncomfortable. So what I 0:19:33.640 --> 0:19:36.720 would encourage you to do is figure out your conflict 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:41.800 style very early on and recognize that people have different 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:46.119 ways of dealing with conflict and that's okay. But as 0:19:46.200 --> 0:19:49.840 long as you don't feel scared or unsafe or threatened. 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:54.640 I want to share with you the biggest news of 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:58.639 the year. How many of you want to meditate? I 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:01.159 can see your heads nodding I can see you raising 0:20:01.200 --> 0:20:03.600 your hands. I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:06.080 really want to learn to meditate. How many of you 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:11.840 would like to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now? 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:13.920 I already know what the answer is because I know 0:20:14.240 --> 0:20:18.720 how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.760 I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:25.560 meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:29.520 live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:33.879 am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:38.360 I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series 0:20:38.520 --> 0:20:41.399 called The Daily Ja, where you can meditate with me 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:45.239 every single day for seven minutes to make it a 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:47.800 real habit. I would love for you to come and 0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:51.680 join me and take part in building a really powerful 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:55.159 meditation practice. And guess what We're going to do it together? 0:20:55.680 --> 0:20:58.600 Head over right now Atcalm dot com Forward slash jay 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:02.200 to get forty percent of a premium membership. That's Calm 0:21:02.320 --> 0:21:08.080 dot com Forward slash j. A really interesting red flag 0:21:08.680 --> 0:21:16.200 is when someone is highly touchy feely physical with you 0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:22.160 without your permission and when you are trying to create distance. 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:26.280 So I find that a lot of people are trying 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:28.560 to hold hands too early, they're trying to kiss too early, 0:21:28.600 --> 0:21:31.719 they're trying to get wherever they can too early. And 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:35.359 if you just keep laughing it off and smiling it 0:21:35.440 --> 0:21:38.160 off because you're still attracted to them or you think 0:21:38.160 --> 0:21:41.840 they're the one, or whatever it is, you're basically setting 0:21:41.840 --> 0:21:45.240 a boundary that says you can keep pushing boundaries and 0:21:45.440 --> 0:21:49.200 I will laugh it off. And unfortunately, that can escalate 0:21:49.280 --> 0:21:53.840 pretty bad. That can get much more serious, much more quicker, 0:21:54.520 --> 0:21:56.600 And you don't want to land in a position where 0:21:57.200 --> 0:22:03.320 something bigger happens in a few years, something bigger happens 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:05.119 in a few years, and you're wondering, well, how did 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:08.199 that happen, Why did that happen, and why is that 0:22:08.280 --> 0:22:11.320 going on? And where did that come from? And I'm 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:14.080 not saying it's your fault at all. I'm not saying 0:22:14.080 --> 0:22:16.960 that that's ever condoned. I'm saying that you can set 0:22:17.000 --> 0:22:20.920 the right standard earlier in the relationship, right, I'm saying 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:26.040 you can definitely, definitely, definitely set the right standard at 0:22:26.040 --> 0:22:30.800 the beginning of the relationship. Another interesting red flag is 0:22:30.840 --> 0:22:34.960 they make you feel bad for people being attracted to you, 0:22:36.520 --> 0:22:39.000 they make you feel bad for their jealousy. There was 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:42.480 this funny TikTok that went viral a while ago, and 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:47.560 it was when a man and a woman in this case, 0:22:47.600 --> 0:22:52.000 in this scenario, were walking to their apartment and you 0:22:52.000 --> 0:22:53.720 hear a girl's voice that says, oh, I like your 0:22:53.720 --> 0:22:56.480 T shirt. And he says, oh, thank you. And they 0:22:56.520 --> 0:22:59.240 get inside and his girlfriend says, oh, I like your 0:22:59.240 --> 0:23:02.120 T shirt? Thank you? Like who are you? Like? Who 0:23:02.200 --> 0:23:04.280 is you know? And it's like you're getting made to 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:10.080 feel bad for people liking you. You're getting made to 0:23:10.080 --> 0:23:14.200 feel bad because that person feels jealous. So they're telling 0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:16.080 you like, why are you talking to that person? Or 0:23:16.160 --> 0:23:18.719 why why did you say hello back? Why did you 0:23:18.760 --> 0:23:22.720 respond to them when they were hitting on you? Of course, 0:23:22.760 --> 0:23:27.960 if you've flirted back, sure, but if you're normal back 0:23:28.240 --> 0:23:31.840 in a normal human interaction. I someone complimented you and 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:34.560 you said thank you, and someone makes you feel bad 0:23:34.640 --> 0:23:37.480 for saying thank you when you weren't flirting and that 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:39.800 you have to be honest with yourself about, then that's 0:23:39.840 --> 0:23:44.760 a really unhealthy trait because now you're setting yourself up 0:23:44.840 --> 0:23:49.879 for being mistrusted and having someone who's being insecure now, 0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:51.320 how do you deal with that? Again, you don't just 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:52.600 break up with someone. How do you deal with that? 0:23:52.800 --> 0:23:54.439 You sit down with them and say, hey, where's this 0:23:54.520 --> 0:23:56.840 insecurity coming from? And they'll probably say, I'm not insecure, 0:23:56.840 --> 0:23:59.360 I'm not jealous. So that's not the question you ask them, 0:23:59.440 --> 0:24:02.800