1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,000 Speaker 1: Is someone just describing all their excess as crazy or insane? 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: But then on top of that, are they also just 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: with you because they didn't like being alone? And this 4 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,319 Speaker 1: is the kind of stuff you notice through their language, like, Oh, 5 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: I'm just so glad to not be with that person anymore. 6 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,639 Speaker 1: I'm so glad I don't have that in my life anymore. 7 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,799 Speaker 1: Rather than this is what I appreciate about you, this 8 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: is what I really value about you. Notice how it's 9 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: a negative skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: of the past is not as good as a positive 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:38,640 Speaker 1: skew to the future. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, 12 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to 13 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 1: each and every one of you that come back every 14 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:49,520 Speaker 1: week to listen, learn, and grow. We've had some incredible, 15 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: fascinating episodes recently, so many amazing conversations. I want to 16 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: make sure that you don't miss out on them. This 17 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: week we had the one and only Big Sean. A 18 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,240 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago we had the one and only 19 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,840 Speaker 1: Lauren London, two phenomenal episodes, and one of your favorite 20 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: solo episodes was last week seven Ways to be Productive 21 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,839 Speaker 1: Even when you're tired, and from a few months ago, 22 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:16,759 Speaker 1: this one really stood out to all of you. Eight 23 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: types of people you need in your life for twenty 24 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 1: twenty two. That was January twenty eighth. Make sure you 25 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,560 Speaker 1: go back and take a listen if you miss those again. 26 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 1: I am so grateful for your time, so grateful for 27 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: your ears, and so grateful for your energy and presence 28 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,399 Speaker 1: in this moment. I also want to give a big 29 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 1: shout out to all of you who've been bumping into 30 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: me in and around LA Or while I'm traveling and 31 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,479 Speaker 1: telling me that you listen to on Purpose. It means 32 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: the world to me. I literally couldn't be happier when 33 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: someone says to me, Jay, I listen to on Purpose. 34 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: And I just want to give you a massive hug. 35 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: So even if I don't get to see you, if 36 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: you're feeling that, I want to give you a big hug. 37 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: I just wanted to know that, and I fully meander. 38 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: I want to thank all of you you've been leaving 39 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: amazing reviews for on Purpose. There are so many that 40 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: I want to share with you. We now have over 41 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: seventeen thousand, five hundred reviews. Our goal for this year 42 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: is twenty thousands. So if you get a moment, please 43 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:21,519 Speaker 1: please please leave us a review. Okay, so today's episode 44 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 1: is all about red flags that you shouldn't ignore and 45 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: our signs to take seriously. The reason I'm sharing this 46 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: episode is I was sitting with a friend recently and 47 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: she was telling me how she'd been with this guy 48 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 1: for six months and all of a sudden he ghosted her. 49 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: Another friend told me that she was engaged to be 50 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,320 Speaker 1: married to this guy and all of a sudden it 51 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: fell apart. And here's what's really really interesting. We always 52 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: feel and we experience these things that they happen all 53 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: of a sudden. When someone breaks up with you, doesn't 54 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 1: it feel like I have no idea how that happened. 55 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: When someone ends things, doesn't it feel like, wait, everything 56 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: was perfect. When somethings fall apart, doesn't it feel like 57 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: but that was going in the right direction. Rarely do 58 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: we predict these moments. Rarely do we expect these moments. 59 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 1: But they seem to happen in that order time and 60 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 1: time again, where we're always caught off God, we're always 61 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:40,120 Speaker 1: in a state of shock. Why is it that it 62 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: always feels that way? That is why they say love 63 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: is blind, because when we think we're in love, we 64 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: become blind to the red flags. We become blind to 65 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: the signs. And when someone breaks up with us or 66 00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: ends a relationship, that's when we start to become investigators 67 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 1: and start noticing all the tiny details. But before that, 68 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: we ignored them. We didn't work through them, we didn't 69 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: solve them, we didn't try to deeply understand them. So 70 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: when I'm sharing these red flags with you today, I 71 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: want you to see them more as a sign to 72 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: stop and reflect. A red flag doesn't mean the end. 73 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: A red flag means an opportunity to investigate, an opportunity 74 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: to pause, take some time space and stillness to actually understand. 75 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 1: And I say investigate first, and even before that, a 76 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: red flag sparks inquiry. So in a relationship, when you 77 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:55,560 Speaker 1: first meet someone, you just interested. Now, as time goes on, 78 00:04:55,920 --> 00:05:01,160 Speaker 1: we have to become more inquisitive, not just interested, deeply understand. 79 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 1: When we start to spot red flags or signs that 80 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:10,160 Speaker 1: worry us, we have to investigate, and of course, if 81 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 1: things go too far, we may even have to interrogate. 82 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: So you notice the journey of understanding that ideally you 83 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:22,040 Speaker 1: go from being interested to being inquisitive and being intrigued, 84 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: and your whole relationship is just inquiring about the other person, 85 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: being interested in learning about them, which is how I 86 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 1: feel with RADI. But if you see these signs, you 87 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: see these red flags, you may have to take a moment. 88 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,320 Speaker 1: So I want to start off with a red flag. 89 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: That's very interesting because it's often not perceived in that way. 90 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: But a red flag is when someone wants to fall 91 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 1: in love too fast, they want to move in with 92 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 1: you really quickly. They're talking about marriage, they're talking about 93 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: a proposal, they're talking about whiskey your way. Now, this 94 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: is pretty normal in our teens, when we're inexperienced, when 95 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:10,600 Speaker 1: we're immature, when we don't have the understanding of our 96 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 1: emotions and the person were with. But when we do 97 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,719 Speaker 1: this as adults. Even if you're listening to this and 98 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: you say, well, our relationship worked out and we did 99 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: all of those things, I would encourage you to still 100 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: reevaluate whether you believe that that was healthy. I often 101 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,039 Speaker 1: say to rather that sometimes I feel we fell in 102 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: love too quick and we got lucky, but we had 103 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,599 Speaker 1: to do the work anyway. And that's what relationships do, 104 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,279 Speaker 1: is that if you try and force something to be fast, 105 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: a relationship will kick back and push back and ask 106 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 1: you to do that work anyway. And so that what 107 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 1: happens when you try and skip work in a relationship, 108 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,839 Speaker 1: the relationship pushes you back to the level. So sometimes 109 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: you're like, well, wait a minute, it was so good 110 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 1: when we started. I felt like we were at a seven. 111 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: Now we're at a three. It's because your relationship only 112 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,800 Speaker 1: actually got to a three. You experience some seven, and 113 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: now you're being pushed back and asked to earn it. 114 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: It's almost like you had the cheat code in the beginning, 115 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,080 Speaker 1: you skipped a few levels of the game, and now 116 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 1: the game saying wait, wait, wait, we caught your cheat code, 117 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: and now you need to go back a few levels 118 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 1: and earn this level of a relationship. So this term 119 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:25,680 Speaker 1: that's been used right now is love bombing. And it's 120 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: interesting because the way therapists talk about it is that 121 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 1: it's when someone makes you feel that you're dependent on them. 122 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:41,400 Speaker 1: So you start thinking that if you don't keep up 123 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: with your partner and if you pause, then there's something 124 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 1: wrong with you. So if someone saying to you, but 125 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: but how you feel it I feel it, Let's just 126 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: do it. You feel the same thing I feel right. 127 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: You want to do this too right, you want this 128 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,880 Speaker 1: too right, and it's almost like you're being forced or 129 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: impressed stepan to live at a certain pace. I always 130 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: encourage everyone to live at the pace of love. That 131 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: means to live it a pace that you love yourself. 132 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: It means to live it a pace that you love life. 133 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that there's no discomfort. It doesn't mean 134 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 1: that you don't welcome challenges, but you're able to reframe 135 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: your mind to approach them differently. But you don't want 136 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: to fall in love too fast. You don't want to 137 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: be pushed into moving in too fast. If someone's talking 138 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,719 Speaker 1: about weddings on the first day, that is something to 139 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:43,960 Speaker 1: investigate because you know as well as they do, you 140 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:49,439 Speaker 1: barely know each other. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. I'll 141 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,720 Speaker 1: give an example. If you ever want to buy a house. 142 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,760 Speaker 1: You may fall in love with a house the moment 143 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: you see it, but then you're meant to do certain checks. 144 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: You do a mold test, you do a soil test, 145 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: a test on the plumbing, the wiring, and then when 146 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 1: you do the test, you realize whether it's a good 147 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,239 Speaker 1: investment or not. I'll give an example. Rather and I 148 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 1: fell in love with a home a few years ago, 149 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: and we rented it, and we went to visit it 150 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 1: a few times before we rented it. But the first 151 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,280 Speaker 1: day we went there, we both loved it. Second day 152 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: we went there, we both loved it. So we're like, 153 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 1: this must be the home. Let's rent it. We rented it. 154 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 1: The first day we moved in, and we arrived, the 155 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:44,000 Speaker 1: clock struck nine, and all we heard were frogs croaking really, 156 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 1: really loud. We didn't realize that the surroundings of this 157 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,480 Speaker 1: home were so damp that we had frogs in our 158 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,880 Speaker 1: back garden that were croaking away. Now, some people loved 159 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 1: the sound of frogs. They want to sleep to the 160 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: sound of frogs. Not me and Rady. But we got 161 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,440 Speaker 1: used to that and we still loved the house. Now, 162 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,440 Speaker 1: let me tell you a bit more. This house was 163 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: pretty old, and it had a lot of cracks. It 164 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: had a lot of holes that we didn't know about. 165 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: We just already had character. And every night I would 166 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: wake up at least three times thinking someone was inside 167 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:30,880 Speaker 1: my house, because there'd be an animal through the floorboards. 168 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 1: There'd be an animal outside the window. Now, when you're asleep, 169 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: you can't tell the difference between an animal and a human, 170 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: so when you hear steps, you wake up an anxiety. 171 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: I would hear animals in the floorboards every night, outside 172 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: the window, knocking against the window throughout the day. One 173 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 1: day we even had a snake slither through the home. 174 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,760 Speaker 1: So now you're wondering, January, how did you fall in 175 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 1: love with this house? We both love nature, we both 176 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 1: loved being outdoors. But what I'm trying to say to 177 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 1: you is that the more we live there, the more 178 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: we learned about it. We realize the work it required, 179 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: and we chose not to make that our long term 180 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: home because of the work it required. But if you 181 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 1: asked me that on the first day that I moved there, 182 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 1: whether that could be my long term home, I would 183 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:24,079 Speaker 1: have said yes. And this is what we do in relationships. 184 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: We go to a home and we go I love it. 185 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: We find a person, we say I love them, They're amazing, 186 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: they're perfect, They're just what I've been looking for. And 187 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: then as we spend more time with them, we start 188 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 1: to discover the cracks, We start to discover the weeds, 189 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: and then the question we have to ask ourselves is 190 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,319 Speaker 1: do I want to work with this? Do I want 191 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,079 Speaker 1: to invest in this? Do I want to develop this? 192 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,440 Speaker 1: If the answer is yes, that's your relationship and if 193 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: it's not, and if it is, you have to live 194 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 1: with it. I remember we had contractors come out. We 195 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,359 Speaker 1: were thinking about buying this home, and I had contractors 196 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: come out and walk me through what it would take 197 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: to resurrect this property that we loved. And oh, my gosh, 198 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:11,040 Speaker 1: not just was it incredibly expensive, not just was it tiring, 199 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: not just was it exhausting to think about what needed 200 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,200 Speaker 1: to be done, it would have taken years. And I 201 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: tapped out. I said, I can't do this. I'm not 202 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: patient enough, I don't have the time. That's not what 203 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 1: I want to focus on. I want to focus on 204 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: on purpose. I want to focus on my purpose. I 205 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: want to focus on my career. I want to focus 206 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 1: on our relationship. I want to be able to go 207 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,080 Speaker 1: on vacations, and I don't want to get lost trying 208 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:37,400 Speaker 1: to do this. So this is that second principle from 209 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: the idea of falling in love too fast. When we investigate, 210 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,520 Speaker 1: we really start to understand what this is going to require. 211 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: And the red flag in a relationship is when we go, oh, 212 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,319 Speaker 1: I don't need to investigate. Oh no, no, we're good. 213 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,680 Speaker 1: We're good. We don't need to ask questions. No, no, no, 214 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: I don't need to know that about them. Oh no no, 215 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,679 Speaker 1: I'm not interested in their past. Oh no, no, I'm 216 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 1: not interested in that about them. Were this feeling that 217 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,160 Speaker 1: everything's new and everything's fine. That's what we did in 218 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 1: the house. We're like, oh, but it's beautiful. There's so 219 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: much sunlight. Oh it's stunning. Right. And I'm not telling 220 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: you to be negative or spot the mistakes. I'm asking 221 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,440 Speaker 1: you to be aware of what work this is going 222 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:19,200 Speaker 1: to require if this is going to be real. The 223 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 1: third thing that I want you to spot out as 224 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: a sign is when someone talks about all their past 225 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 1: relationships negatively or as their partner's fault. What does this mean? 226 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 1: It means they have not learned from their partner. If 227 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: someone only sees all their past relationships falling apart as 228 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: a sign of their partner being insane, crazy, or weird, 229 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: it means they have not been a reflective individual. I'm 230 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 1: not saying that their X wasn't crazy. I'm not even 231 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 1: saying that their ex didn't cause problems in the relationship. 232 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,959 Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is can they reflect Do they 233 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:09,720 Speaker 1: have the capacity to discuss their past relationship in a 234 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,640 Speaker 1: way that shows what they've learned, how they've matured, and 235 00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 1: how they've grown Now. Often someone will say, look, I'm 236 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,600 Speaker 1: not ready to talk about it yet because I don't 237 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 1: think I fully processed it. That's a healthier answer than 238 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,920 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, yeah he was crazy, she was insane. 239 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 1: They were so intense, because what's happening here is they're 240 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: not going to know how to process the lessons from 241 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 1: the past to aidial relationship. They're not going to know 242 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: their mistakes. They may not have the capacity to understand 243 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: that now. I started to realize this when I was 244 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: applying for jobs as an employee, but also when I 245 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 1: became an employer. I would often sit down with a 246 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:06,240 Speaker 1: respective employee and ask them the question what excites you 247 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: about this job right now? What is it that is 248 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: interesting to you about this job right now? Or how 249 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: I usually start a job interview, which is why is 250 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: this job right for you right now? And why are 251 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,640 Speaker 1: you right for this job? And that's kind of the 252 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 1: question you're asking in relationships, because relationships aren't just about 253 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: two people, they're also about timing. And so the question 254 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,520 Speaker 1: you're really asking is why are we right for each other? 255 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: And why are we right for each other right now? 256 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: And so hiring someone is very similar to being in 257 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 1: a relationship with them. And it's fascinating to me because 258 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: I'd say fifty percent of the time the answer was 259 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 1: I don't like my current job. And that is a 260 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: real telltale sign about someone's motivation. If someone's motivation to 261 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: be with you is because they don't want to be 262 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 1: where they are, chances are they're not making that decision 263 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:08,960 Speaker 1: based on real quality intention. If someone says to me, Jay, yeah, 264 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: like the reason why this is right for me right 265 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 1: now is I'm just bored at my current workplace. I'm 266 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 1: not getting anything out of it. Notice they could say, Jay, 267 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,760 Speaker 1: what I'm really excited about is the opportunities here. I'm 268 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,800 Speaker 1: excited for the ability to grow with you and grow 269 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: with your team. Notice the difference. Now, I'm not saying 270 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: it's a technique. I don't want someone to lie to me. 271 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,240 Speaker 1: I'm happy when people are honest with me. And actually, 272 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 1: if someone's honest with me and tells me that their 273 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 1: workplace isn't great. I'll be like, I want to help 274 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: you in a different way, like I want you to 275 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 1: find a way out, but I need to know you 276 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 1: want to be with me, not that you don't want 277 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: to not be where you are. A healthy relationship is 278 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 1: not existing because you don't want to be where you are. 279 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 1: A healthy relationship exists because you're with me because you 280 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,480 Speaker 1: want to be with me. And for so many people, 281 00:16:54,680 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 1: their decision making is relieving stress rather then creating joy, right, 282 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: their intention, their focus is decreasing the pressure in their 283 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 1: life rather than increasing the passion in their life. And 284 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,080 Speaker 1: that's the question you want to see when someone's with you. 285 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: Are they just decreasing pressure because you're easier, you're nicer, 286 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:25,440 Speaker 1: you're supposedly they're telling you you're not insane, And that's 287 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: a step further. So the third idea was this idea 288 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,199 Speaker 1: of someone just describing all their excess as crazy or 289 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,120 Speaker 1: insane or that they were the problem, so they don't 290 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 1: have the capacity to reflect. But then on top of that, 291 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: are they also just with you because they didn't like 292 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: being alone? And this is the kind of stuff you 293 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:45,440 Speaker 1: notice through their language, like oh, I'm just so glad 294 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,000 Speaker 1: to not be with that person anymore. I'm so glad 295 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,239 Speaker 1: I don't have that in my life anymore. Rather than 296 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: this is what I appreciate about you, this is what 297 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: I really value about you. Notice how it's a negative 298 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,159 Speaker 1: skew versus a positive skew. A negative skew of the 299 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,679 Speaker 1: past is not as good as a positive skew to 300 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: the future. Just because you're with someone who thinks you're 301 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,480 Speaker 1: better than their X doesn't mean that you are right 302 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: for them or that that is a good fit. Right. 303 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: So the fifth reason is they're not great at managing conflict. Again, 304 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,360 Speaker 1: none of these signs are break up with them. They're 305 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:25,719 Speaker 1: the worst. We don't have these skills, we're not trained 306 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,760 Speaker 1: in these skills. But if someone doesn't handle your first 307 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,719 Speaker 1: conflict right, you've got to make that a priority to 308 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,959 Speaker 1: build if you want to invest in that relationship. Now, 309 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 1: I'd be honest and say, when me and Rady first 310 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,119 Speaker 1: got together, I don't think I manage conflict right, and 311 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 1: I don't think she managed conflict right. I think we 312 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: both didn't understand. And what I want you to understand 313 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,879 Speaker 1: about conflict is everyone has a different way of dealing 314 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,640 Speaker 1: with conflict, and the easiest way is to figure out 315 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 1: how that person deals with conflict and if it's healthy. Now, 316 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,439 Speaker 1: I'll give an example. Right these way of dealing with 317 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,680 Speaker 1: conflict is being quiet and thinking about it. My way 318 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,160 Speaker 1: of dealing with conflict is talking about it and having 319 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: a conversation. They are polar opposites. Both are healthy for 320 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 1: both of us. Anger is not healthy. You feeling unsafe 321 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,920 Speaker 1: is not healthy. When Riley doesn't talk to me, yes, 322 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 1: do I feel upset or did I used to feel 323 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 1: up Say yes, but I didn't feel unsafe. I didn't 324 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: feel threatened. I may feel a bit insecure, but not 325 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 1: unsafe or threatened. And similarly, if I wanted to talk 326 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,879 Speaker 1: about it and she didn't, she didn't feel unsafe or 327 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 1: threatened by me. It just felt uncomfortable. So what I 328 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 1: would encourage you to do is figure out your conflict 329 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 1: style very early on and recognize that people have different 330 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,119 Speaker 1: ways of dealing with conflict and that's okay. But as 331 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: long as you don't feel scared or unsafe or threatened. 332 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,640 Speaker 1: I want to share with you the biggest news of 333 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 1: the year. How many of you want to meditate? I 334 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,159 Speaker 1: can see your heads nodding I can see you raising 335 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,600 Speaker 1: your hands. I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I 336 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 1: really want to learn to meditate. How many of you 337 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:11,840 Speaker 1: would like to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now? 338 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,920 Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know 339 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:18,720 Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, 340 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took 341 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days 342 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I 343 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,879 Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. 344 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:38,360 Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series 345 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,399 Speaker 1: called The Daily Ja, where you can meditate with me 346 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,239 Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a 347 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and 348 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,680 Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful 349 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 1: meditation practice. And guess what We're going to do it together? 350 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: Head over right now Atcalm dot com Forward slash jay 351 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: to get forty percent of a premium membership. That's Calm 352 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash j. A really interesting red flag 353 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:16,200 Speaker 1: is when someone is highly touchy feely physical with you 354 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:22,160 Speaker 1: without your permission and when you are trying to create distance. 355 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,280 Speaker 1: So I find that a lot of people are trying 356 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 1: to hold hands too early, they're trying to kiss too early, 357 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,719 Speaker 1: they're trying to get wherever they can too early. And 358 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,359 Speaker 1: if you just keep laughing it off and smiling it 359 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,160 Speaker 1: off because you're still attracted to them or you think 360 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: they're the one, or whatever it is, you're basically setting 361 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,240 Speaker 1: a boundary that says you can keep pushing boundaries and 362 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 1: I will laugh it off. And unfortunately, that can escalate 363 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: pretty bad. That can get much more serious, much more quicker, 364 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: And you don't want to land in a position where 365 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: something bigger happens in a few years, something bigger happens 366 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: in a few years, and you're wondering, well, how did 367 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,199 Speaker 1: that happen, Why did that happen, and why is that 368 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 1: going on? And where did that come from? And I'm 369 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 1: not saying it's your fault at all. I'm not saying 370 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: that that's ever condoned. I'm saying that you can set 371 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,920 Speaker 1: the right standard earlier in the relationship, right, I'm saying 372 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:26,040 Speaker 1: you can definitely, definitely, definitely set the right standard at 373 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: the beginning of the relationship. Another interesting red flag is 374 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: they make you feel bad for people being attracted to you, 375 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,000 Speaker 1: they make you feel bad for their jealousy. There was 376 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 1: this funny TikTok that went viral a while ago, and 377 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 1: it was when a man and a woman in this case, 378 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 1: in this scenario, were walking to their apartment and you 379 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,720 Speaker 1: hear a girl's voice that says, oh, I like your 380 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: T shirt. And he says, oh, thank you. And they 381 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,240 Speaker 1: get inside and his girlfriend says, oh, I like your 382 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,120 Speaker 1: T shirt? Thank you? Like who are you? Like? Who 383 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 1: is you know? And it's like you're getting made to 384 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 1: feel bad for people liking you. You're getting made to 385 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:14,200 Speaker 1: feel bad because that person feels jealous. So they're telling 386 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 1: you like, why are you talking to that person? Or 387 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,719 Speaker 1: why why did you say hello back? Why did you 388 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 1: respond to them when they were hitting on you? Of course, 389 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:27,960 Speaker 1: if you've flirted back, sure, but if you're normal back 390 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,840 Speaker 1: in a normal human interaction. I someone complimented you and 391 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,560 Speaker 1: you said thank you, and someone makes you feel bad 392 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,480 Speaker 1: for saying thank you when you weren't flirting and that 393 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: you have to be honest with yourself about, then that's 394 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: a really unhealthy trait because now you're setting yourself up 395 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:49,879 Speaker 1: for being mistrusted and having someone who's being insecure now, 396 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: how do you deal with that? Again, you don't just 397 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: break up with someone. How do you deal with that? 398 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,439 Speaker 1: You sit down with them and say, hey, where's this 399 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 1: insecurity coming from? And they'll probably say, I'm not insecure, 400 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,360 Speaker 1: I'm not jealous. So that's not the question you ask them, 401 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 1: right the question You say, hey, how can I make 402 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,160 Speaker 1: you feel secure in this relationship? How can I give 403 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: you the feeling that I want to be with you? 404 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,879 Speaker 1: What is it that you need from me? And if 405 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,399 Speaker 1: they say I don't want you to talk to anyone 406 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 1: ever else again, or if someone compliments you, then you'd say, well, 407 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 1: what does that mean? Because where is that coming from? Now? 408 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 1: What I find is this is where it gets uncomfortable. 409 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: If we're not trained to be coaches or therapists, it's 410 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,280 Speaker 1: really hard to guide our partners through this conversation without 411 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,399 Speaker 1: a getting personal, without a getting emotional. And this is 412 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,879 Speaker 1: where the person in your life needs to be open 413 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,879 Speaker 1: to forms of therapy, needs to be open to forms 414 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:40,240 Speaker 1: of coaching, needs to be open to these ideas, because 415 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,680 Speaker 1: if they're not open to it, that gets really tricky. 416 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,440 Speaker 1: And I think that's why when someone is fully dependent 417 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 1: on you for their mental health, their well being their 418 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: emotional state. That is a tall order, and I think 419 00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: early on in the relationship, it feels really good to 420 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,679 Speaker 1: be wanted to be someone guide and someone's coach and 421 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:06,040 Speaker 1: someone's at home therapist. But you've also good to resist 422 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 1: that temptation. Sometimes it feels good to save someone and 423 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,359 Speaker 1: you have to give up that savior mentality. You have 424 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,240 Speaker 1: to give up that desire to be wanted in that 425 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:21,480 Speaker 1: way because that's going to set the standard that this 426 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,680 Speaker 1: person just runs to you when they need you, right, 427 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 1: that this person just runs to you when they need anyone. 428 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:37,359 Speaker 1: So really, you want to help that person set up 429 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,880 Speaker 1: the right structure for supports. You want to say, okay, look, 430 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: I see that this is a recurring thing in your life. 431 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 1: I think you need a trainer. I think you need 432 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,840 Speaker 1: a therapist. I think we should help you find this. 433 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 1: And they're more likely to listen to you if they 434 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,359 Speaker 1: see you surrounding yourself with coaches as well. See, people 435 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 1: are not happy to take advice when they don't see 436 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 1: you taking your own advice. And this is why giving 437 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,880 Speaker 1: advice is really good, because then you're to take it yourself. 438 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,159 Speaker 1: I really believe that the advice I give I'm going 439 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,160 Speaker 1: to try to take myself and it's not always easy, right, 440 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,280 Speaker 1: It's not always easy. I fail every day. I make 441 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: mistakes every day. But I'm trying. And as long as 442 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,240 Speaker 1: you're trying, people will be happy to see you try 443 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,640 Speaker 1: and they will also try. But if people don't see 444 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: you trying, it's going to be really hard for them 445 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: to consider how this fits in this one. I find 446 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:30,199 Speaker 1: really fascinating. When I read about Steve Jobs and his 447 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:33,879 Speaker 1: biography by Walter Isaacson, who we've also had on the podcast, 448 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:38,359 Speaker 1: I learned about something which is a term called RDF 449 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: reality distortion field. It's when someone distorts reality to suit 450 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:51,159 Speaker 1: their narrative. I when you say to someone, hey, you 451 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,560 Speaker 1: remember when this happened. I didn't appreciate you did this, 452 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 1: and they go that never happened, and you say, no, 453 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,640 Speaker 1: it definitely happened. I mean I know two other people 454 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,159 Speaker 1: and they're like, that didn't happen, Like that's not true. 455 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:07,320 Speaker 1: They make you doubt what you just said. You may say, oh, 456 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,719 Speaker 1: I just heard you say you know your girlfriend's name. 457 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: I just said you say your boyfriend, your ex boyfriend's name, 458 00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:15,159 Speaker 1: and they're like, no, I didn't there was a scene 459 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: in Entourage years ago. If you're an Entourage fan. Rather 460 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: he's a huge Entourage fan. She made me watch it. 461 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: There was a scene in Entourage where I believe the 462 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 1: name of the characters Eric Eric Murphy, and he's dating 463 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,679 Speaker 1: a girl and he remembers Sloan, who's the girl he 464 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 1: wants forever, And she says to him, she goes, you 465 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,119 Speaker 1: just said your ex girlfriend's name while we were kissing, 466 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 1: And he's like, no, I didn't, No, I didn't. That's 467 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 1: just in your head. You're just hearing things, right. That 468 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: is a seed of reality distortion field. But what reality 469 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:53,560 Speaker 1: distortion field is that person keeps lying or keeps portraying 470 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: or playing a role for so long that they actually 471 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: believe that that is reality. That's what's fascinating about reality 472 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: distortion field. It's not just that someone is a liar. 473 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,640 Speaker 1: It's that they've repeated that lie so much that they 474 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,760 Speaker 1: believe it's the truth. So when they talk to you, 475 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 1: they talk to you as if it's a matter of fact. 476 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,840 Speaker 1: They talk to you as if that is it. And 477 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:18,720 Speaker 1: so you have to look out for those seeds. Is 478 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,600 Speaker 1: if you're being pushed back on your reality and your experience, 479 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: and you're not allowed to have that, if you're not 480 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 1: allowed to have a difference of opinion, if you're not 481 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,639 Speaker 1: allowed to think differently. And by the way, this applies 482 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: to you too, all of these apply to you. How 483 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,400 Speaker 1: many of you are listening to this list? Going, Jay, 484 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,959 Speaker 1: I do this to people? Am I a red flag? 485 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,240 Speaker 1: And it's like, no, you're not a red flag? But 486 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 1: we all do things like this, and that's what I'm saying. 487 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 1: It's not about breaking up with someone, It's about being 488 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,840 Speaker 1: aware so we can build through. I really hope this 489 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: episode has helped you today. I really hope you're going 490 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: to pass it on to someone who's just started dating, 491 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 1: maybe who's single, maybe he's just come out of a breakup. 492 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 1: It will help explain so much of what they're going 493 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,360 Speaker 1: through and experiencing in life. And I really really think 494 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: it's going to benefit a lot of people, So please 495 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,040 Speaker 1: pass it on. Thank you so much for listening today. 496 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:05,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to read a few reviews and I'm going 497 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,600 Speaker 1: to say your names, so make sure you leave reviews 498 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,920 Speaker 1: with your names. This one is from Karen Rizzl. Jay, 499 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: You've really gotten me through a couple of tough years 500 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:19,000 Speaker 1: being seventy one and retired is challenging at times, but 501 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,719 Speaker 1: getting through scary health issues with my husband Ron along 502 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:26,560 Speaker 1: with COVID has been hard at times. So I've thrown 503 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,680 Speaker 1: myself into cooking healthy meals, listening to your podcast while 504 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 1: I walk, and I'm spending as much time outside appreciating 505 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:39,960 Speaker 1: nature and it's repeating wonders. Thanks for your constant encouragement. PS. 506 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,280 Speaker 1: Even with this health scare, my husband is listening to 507 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 1: you two and has continued his Zoom classes on writing 508 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: and critiquing. You've boosted us both, helping us to know 509 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,760 Speaker 1: that you have to keep pushing on. I love that. 510 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:57,880 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. This is from Jana. I'm a 511 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,520 Speaker 1: new listener, but I've enjoyed the conversation. Thank you for 512 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,920 Speaker 1: making us dive deeper into an issue and realizing our potential. 513 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: I enjoy listening to at least one a day. I 514 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,400 Speaker 1: find myself starting my day with one and reflecting throughout 515 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 1: the day. Thank you for being you. Keep it off 516 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:16,760 Speaker 1: means so so much to me. And this is from Janice. 517 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:19,560 Speaker 1: This podcast made me think and start making decisions on 518 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,600 Speaker 1: what I really want. Jay, I'd learned so much from 519 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,960 Speaker 1: your experiences. Guests, and I am very grateful. Thank you 520 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 1: for all those five star reviews. Make sure you leave 521 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 1: one too, and I'll see you next time. Thanks everyone,