Speaker 1: I'm ready for what to hear the list? Dead as well?
Speaker 1: Take it away. Then we'll take it away. Let's get
Speaker 1: to the list. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: ass is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. I'm gonna do storytime today for
Speaker 1: a change, though I feel like you're the more dominant storyteller. However,
Speaker 1: considering the topic, we're talking about things that Dad needs
Speaker 1: or you know, making the list for Dad. From my perspective,
Speaker 1: this is when I knew that there was just like
Speaker 1: some things that Dad just needs and devout took it
Speaker 1: upon himself to one day get something, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, this is where we are. Okay, So y'all,
Speaker 1: y'all know me. Um, I'm a chronic online shopper. Um
Speaker 1: in part because I just don't like to go into stores.
Speaker 1: Is still COVID outside, and um, it's just easier. So
Speaker 1: in my downtown while I'm here, you know, in between,
Speaker 1: especially in the very beginning of this pregnancy, between throwing
Speaker 1: up and sleeping, I just do a little online shopping,
Speaker 1: you know, shop for clothes that know it's not gonna
Speaker 1: fit me now, but I'm gonna get it because I'm
Speaker 1: getting back so Amazon, you know, in other places, we're
Speaker 1: delivering things regularly to our door. So I got to
Speaker 1: bring it the doorbell and it's Amazon dropping off something.
Speaker 1: And then there's like Dick Sporting Goods and I'm like,
Speaker 1: where are all these things coming from? Now? I know
Speaker 1: my husband I was like, I was like good pause,
Speaker 1: so um so yeah, I was like, all right, Dick
Speaker 1: Sporner goes. I'm like, all right, what's all this stuff?
Speaker 1: And I know Devot and Devout doesn't like to shop,
Speaker 1: and know how that whether it be online in person,
Speaker 1: under that doesn't have a shop. So I'm seeing all
Speaker 1: this stuff showing up at the door and this one thing,
Speaker 1: this one box is like at least devots height, maybe
Speaker 1: a couple of feet taller. So I was like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: you know, I signed for the packages and whatnot, and
Speaker 1: you know, instantly hit him up on my devot did
Speaker 1: you order some stuff online? And he's like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got I got a couple of things, something's on Amazon.
Speaker 1: I got some steps from the sports store and I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, So I know that we have the
Speaker 1: gym downstairs and he wanted to just get some weights,
Speaker 1: you know, medicine balls, things of that nature. But this
Speaker 1: one particular box was just really big. So it was like,
Speaker 1: what is this? So the boy lugs the box downstairs,
Speaker 1: lucks the box downstairs. It is a whole as kick
Speaker 1: boxing punching bag situation. So I was like, I'm stressed
Speaker 1: much stress. But I said, am I really putting that
Speaker 1: much stress on this man that he had to get
Speaker 1: a whole punching bag situation? Like they got up in
Speaker 1: the boxing gyms and then all I hear sometimes down
Speaker 1: in the basements to the point, but I was like,
Speaker 1: what are you going through, Bro, are you going through
Speaker 1: something that I need to know about that you have
Speaker 1: to exert all of this anger on a punching bag
Speaker 1: that we like, this is where we are to mention,
Speaker 1: not to mention. Now he has Jackson and Cairo downstairs
Speaker 1: doing the same thing on the punching bag with him,
Speaker 1: to the point where poor Cairo came up one day
Speaker 1: with bloody knuckles rights on, I don't use gloves, and
Speaker 1: I really had to just check myself. I was like,
Speaker 1: am I sending the men in my life into insanity
Speaker 1: where they feel the need to turn this entire house
Speaker 1: into a boxing gym? And at that point I was like, ah, sis,
Speaker 1: let me go do a check in and see how
Speaker 1: these guys are really doing, because they'd be smiling in
Speaker 1: my face all day, Cayro giving me head rubs, about
Speaker 1: giving me belly rubs. But I think low key they
Speaker 1: have this light, little secret society situation going on where
Speaker 1: they're just like, we need to release some stress. How
Speaker 1: are we going to do that? You don't get us
Speaker 1: a whole last kickboxing Jim situation downstairs? Here we are
Speaker 1: from you. Just say yes, Mom, okay, Mom, going downstairs,
Speaker 1: do five rounds? Come back upstairs. You'll be fine. Yep.
Speaker 1: So here we are, y'all. I just want to get
Speaker 1: your attention. Hey what I really want to be all
Speaker 1: up in you, he say. Daddy's hung for me, And
Speaker 1: I know you've been waiting on this loving all day.
Speaker 1: Daddy's hung time to play. Oh hey, hey, hey diddy,
Speaker 1: Hey hey daddy, Hey hey hey daddy. Oh what's that here?
Speaker 1: I know you've been waiting on this love and all day,
Speaker 1: but you're gonna have to wait a couple of more months.
Speaker 1: You get that good, good loving? How about that? How
Speaker 1: about that? You know? So, I felt like it was
Speaker 1: only right since you provided such a beautifully thought out
Speaker 1: lists that mom needs. I mean, we're practical things, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, items and whatnot. You know, I
Speaker 1: was thinking of items that Dad's may need for the
Speaker 1: first time too, and I'm like, yeah, you know, there's
Speaker 1: some things that you know could probably make the list
Speaker 1: or not. But then I was like, you know what, underwear,
Speaker 1: that's that's what they always get dead, all those things.
Speaker 1: Um However, I was like, you know what, let me
Speaker 1: go ahead and make a list of things that I
Speaker 1: think women should be saying to themselves, you know, what
Speaker 1: let me take a little bit of extra time to
Speaker 1: think about although all the attention is on me right
Speaker 1: now for the most part, because typically when a woman
Speaker 1: is pregnant, that's where everyone's checking on her, checking on her,
Speaker 1: the baby, how's everything going, and then dad kind of
Speaker 1: falls by the wayside. So I can understand that even
Speaker 1: though it is kind of short lived, because it's normally
Speaker 1: ten months to a year a little bit after, if
Speaker 1: you think about postpartum um, dad still exists. Can I can?
Speaker 1: I just say, every time you talk about what a
Speaker 1: father goes through for pregnancy, you always say it's shortlived,
Speaker 1: it's only ten months. But you would never let me
Speaker 1: say prignancy is short lived it's ten months. That's not true.
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about for the time being. If we're
Speaker 1: being realistic about time frame in terms of when the
Speaker 1: women gets all of the attention, why are you still
Speaker 1: blinking at you know what? Let me not cut off
Speaker 1: your list. Go ahead. I'm just saying, though you keep
Speaker 1: saying it's short lived, but pregnancy is not short lived.
Speaker 1: I would never say pregnancy is short lived. That's a
Speaker 1: long term one. But I've said in the past, even
Speaker 1: though it is a long term one. But I'm saying,
Speaker 1: in the grand scheme of time for everyone involved, that's
Speaker 1: the pregnant women, the child, pregnancy, and at right it's not.
Speaker 1: That's in part when I was I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'll do this. She said that. I never said pregnancy short. Y'all.
Speaker 1: See who said pregnancy was short fields long? But like
Speaker 1: for me, I will admit this time around, specifically, it
Speaker 1: felt like the longest. Maybe first what five months because
Speaker 1: I was super sick, get out my camera develop I
Speaker 1: was super sick. But then I'm like, it's starting to
Speaker 1: kind of fly by, you know what I mean. You
Speaker 1: can say whatever you want to say. You try to
Speaker 1: cut you, try to make it seem like it was
Speaker 1: negative stuff going on here off the back. I didn't.
Speaker 1: I was just trying to say I don't try to
Speaker 1: say nothing. Don't try to say nothing. Whatever you want
Speaker 1: to do, babe. But that brings me to my first point.
Speaker 1: You don't even know what I was gonna say, and
Speaker 1: you feel stupid. My first thing on my list of ten,
Speaker 1: I'll start from the rear up. I guess since you
Speaker 1: did the same thing expecting Dad's need acknowledgement, you need
Speaker 1: to Dad's need to also be involved in the process.
Speaker 1: And I feel like it's fair to say that your
Speaker 1: feelings and your wants and needs need to be taken
Speaker 1: into consideration as well. I like the way this list
Speaker 1: is starting on That's only fair if I'm being honest.
Speaker 1: I like the way this list is starting already, particularly
Speaker 1: when you have a significant other or spouse or whoever,
Speaker 1: baby daddy who is also attentive to your needs as
Speaker 1: well and understands that, you know what, we're in this together.
Speaker 1: You know, this is not something that I just embarked
Speaker 1: on by myself. This is not a situation where I'm
Speaker 1: just going to drop someday, go off and run, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Um So, if you have somebody
Speaker 1: that is really working with you as a partner, I
Speaker 1: think it's important to acknowledge the fact that he's also
Speaker 1: probably going through some changes too, particularly first time dads.
Speaker 1: The way you see he was coming from my neck
Speaker 1: off the bat, y'all. I'll the time you're talking about
Speaker 1: the time in the length of time, time, time time,
Speaker 1: And meanwhile, I'm open here just trying that's how you sounded,
Speaker 1: And meanwhile, I'm just trying to be honest. I feel
Speaker 1: like it is necessary for people to also take into
Speaker 1: consideration that dad's may even have a little bit of
Speaker 1: postpartum in a sense, or they may be having a
Speaker 1: little prenatal anxiety because there's a lot of things that
Speaker 1: happened that they're experiencing, sometimes for the first time or
Speaker 1: sometimes for multiple times. Every pregnancy is different, or depending
Speaker 1: on what phase you are in your life, when your
Speaker 1: significant other is pregnant, there may be other stresses involved.
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to acknowledge that, you know what,
Speaker 1: dads have feelings too. They're gonna have moments, they're gonna
Speaker 1: have days. They don't have cravings like the valves been
Speaker 1: out here picking out on sweets lately. I don't know
Speaker 1: what that's about. I don't know what that's about. Um,
Speaker 1: you know it's about you're maintaining an ad game pretty well.
Speaker 1: So I'm happy for that. UM. I think it's necessary
Speaker 1: to definitely talk about that and make that something that's
Speaker 1: normal and normalized. That's a check you can normalize acknowledging fathers.
Speaker 1: There we go. That's a new thing, acknowledging. Acknowledging fathers
Speaker 1: and also to you know, speaking with them about how
Speaker 1: they feel. Typically men you expect to just kind of
Speaker 1: suck it up and deal and not speak about their
Speaker 1: emotions or how they're feeling. Um, But I like to
Speaker 1: do check ins as well, you know, with you two,
Speaker 1: Like I said to you the other day when you
Speaker 1: felt like you were just kind of like undated with
Speaker 1: a bunch of just things at one time, and you're like,
Speaker 1: you know, you have no idea everything that I'm trying
Speaker 1: to lift off of your shoulders so that way you
Speaker 1: can just enjoy this pregnancy and be stress free. Everything
Speaker 1: is now on my shoulders, And I'm like, baby, I
Speaker 1: had no idea you were thinking about this, that that
Speaker 1: you were handling this just to alleviate some stress on
Speaker 1: my end. But then now it's stressing you out and
Speaker 1: you're not vocalizing that to me. So in me sensing
Speaker 1: something is off, but also not being a mind reader,
Speaker 1: I can never really necessarily know if something's wrong. So
Speaker 1: keeping the lines of communication open, I think is necessary
Speaker 1: for sure. And I stop bring in silence. You know
Speaker 1: that brings me to my next point number nine, quality
Speaker 1: time with the homies. Quality time with the homies. And
Speaker 1: I say that because sometimes you just need that circle
Speaker 1: of guys who you can just vent too. You can
Speaker 1: chat with dev I was feeling some kind of way
Speaker 1: lately because he said, you know what, we're living now
Speaker 1: in a different state. I don't have my brother who
Speaker 1: I used to see daily. I don't have my dad.
Speaker 1: I don't have the camaraderie I used to have in
Speaker 1: the gym when I used to go every every day.
Speaker 1: You know, the kids that you used to mentor there
Speaker 1: were a lot of people around on a regular basis.
Speaker 1: And men need male energy. Men need male energy for
Speaker 1: a bunch of different reasons. Number one, I need to
Speaker 1: be able to release and just vent about things that
Speaker 1: are happening and not feel like I have to walk
Speaker 1: on eg shows or not feel judged. But I mean realistically,
Speaker 1: when you're in the house with your wife, sometimes you
Speaker 1: especially when she's pregnant, you don't want to say the
Speaker 1: wrong thing her the feeling. So things that you used
Speaker 1: to joke about, we talked about these things we used
Speaker 1: to joke about and make fun of. Sometimes now you're emotional,
Speaker 1: you don't think it's funny. So I jokes falling flat sometimes, y'all.
Speaker 1: And he's a funny dude, But you know what's funny.
Speaker 1: Extra sensitive right now about everything. I can't make no
Speaker 1: fat jokes right now. She's a wrap, it's a rap.
Speaker 1: So she I just feel like sometimes I want to
Speaker 1: go into a place where I can just let loose,
Speaker 1: like just say whatever and there's no judgment and not
Speaker 1: worried about it. And I need to compete, like I
Speaker 1: just need to lift weights and and throw ship around
Speaker 1: and just kind of let that frustration on. So I
Speaker 1: do need I do need that commodity, that locker room comer. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: So hopefully you know whoever it is, your spouse, baby, daddy, whatever,
Speaker 1: has has a safe space where he feels like he
Speaker 1: can just go to to just unleash be himself, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of like cheers. Sometimes you want to go where
Speaker 1: everybody knows your name exactly, you know, and they're always
Speaker 1: glad you came. Remember you talking about jokes. That was
Speaker 1: one of them, but it wasn't from me. I keep
Speaker 1: saying it too, but you know, hey, it's another story
Speaker 1: for another day. Um. Then that brings me to and
Speaker 1: it's kind of piggybacking off of the acknowledgment, but the
Speaker 1: reassurance that everything will be okay, that's my number eight
Speaker 1: reassuring me, well, reassurance for me, reassurance from I think
Speaker 1: others that will tell you that after pregnancy, labor, delivery,
Speaker 1: postpartum and then you get into a routine that things
Speaker 1: are going to get better, things are going to get
Speaker 1: kind of fall back in place. You mean, reassurance from you,
Speaker 1: reassuring me like hey, yes, because I was kind of
Speaker 1: like a little confused because most of the time I'm
Speaker 1: reassuring you like, babe, like how are you going to
Speaker 1: talk me off the ledge that you're swinging from? But no,
Speaker 1: I see. I feel like I do that often on
Speaker 1: my baby. Just it's a countdown now, like it's almost
Speaker 1: were almost at the end. The baby zone is out.
Speaker 1: I can get my body back to being myself. I
Speaker 1: will no longer have a person inside of me, you know,
Speaker 1: And of course naturally that comes with other stresses when
Speaker 1: you finally do have the baby and it's like, all right,
Speaker 1: we still have a person to care for. However, I
Speaker 1: think men need to know like there's end in sight.
Speaker 1: And that's why I say, when it's ten months to
Speaker 1: a year, it sounds like a long time, and experiencing
Speaker 1: it as a woman, it feels like forever I've been
Speaker 1: pregnant forever. I'm not co san and anything seeming shut
Speaker 1: when it comes to pregnancy as a man, I am
Speaker 1: not gonna man myself. I'm not gonna man explain pregnancy
Speaker 1: and say short or not that long. I would get crucified.
Speaker 1: I understand. I understand. So you y is not responsible
Speaker 1: for the views and concerns of Codine list at this point.
Speaker 1: That is. But in speaking of the grand scheme of
Speaker 1: things in time, in that sense, things will eventually get
Speaker 1: back into a rhythm, get back into a flo You
Speaker 1: need to hear that, like, Babe, this is this is
Speaker 1: just shortly, this is temporary. Remember that we did this,
Speaker 1: We made this decision. And sometimes I know, in that
Speaker 1: moment and in that hour, it may feel like it's
Speaker 1: a lot, but it will get better. It does get better,
Speaker 1: you know, all right, number six on the list. Every
Speaker 1: now and then, it does not hurt to give a
Speaker 1: little flacio, you know how we get into the list.
Speaker 1: I really want to put that as number one, but
Speaker 1: I was like, let me not make him come across
Speaker 1: as like some sort of addict, because you're not. But
Speaker 1: you do every now and again, you know, little sexy time.
Speaker 1: You know that's per yes, it's a little stress relief, um,
Speaker 1: a little stress release and a little bit of sexy time.
Speaker 1: And sometimes the belly just gets in the way. So
Speaker 1: what I tend to do sometimes just like you know,
Speaker 1: I got my face beeak, got my lashes done. He
Speaker 1: likes my lashes done. Um, typically like my nails done.
Speaker 1: Right now, they're a little short, just because you know,
Speaker 1: we had other stuff going on. But it's necessary to
Speaker 1: take that into consideration that sometimes I need to rock
Speaker 1: the mic and just do it because that's what he needs,
Speaker 1: you know, And it's a little difficult, like I said before,
Speaker 1: in the first trimester, you know, gag reflects is a
Speaker 1: little bit not as where it should be, but you know,
Speaker 1: taking into consperation that you still need that sexy time.
Speaker 1: You haven't see the just on his camera, he's just
Speaker 1: gazing at me. You got your makeup then, you know,
Speaker 1: just give me flash. But hey, it's the last episode
Speaker 1: of the day, so the kids. No. But I do
Speaker 1: I do think that you are telling the truth, especially
Speaker 1: when it comes to just needs, because people often think
Speaker 1: that men's needs just stop, like the minute your wife
Speaker 1: gets putting, your needs stop, and I think that's kind
Speaker 1: of unfair. For people to think that that just goes away.
Speaker 1: And as partners, if, like we talked about it, I'm
Speaker 1: always gonna be concerned about you. Who was going to
Speaker 1: be concerned about me so ably? I mean for me,
Speaker 1: it's like the little things, just a little things, you
Speaker 1: know exactly. I mean that's how we got here, so
Speaker 1: might as well. Alright. Number five on the list A
Speaker 1: means to exert energy or tension. So it could be
Speaker 1: what we just or it could be something like exercise
Speaker 1: or going for a run. I don't know what your
Speaker 1: guys into, but Devin needs his workout every day. Just
Speaker 1: don't pull me along with you every day. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: workout in my due time, but you, sir, if that's
Speaker 1: what you need, give him his space to do that.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to say right now, I need my
Speaker 1: comaraderie with my guys, whether we're drinking, watching the fight,
Speaker 1: doing something, that's one thing. But working out it's a
Speaker 1: necessity when you're dealing with stress, intention and trying to
Speaker 1: deal with the ten months to a year everything is
Speaker 1: going on with pregnancy. Those are two different things that like, like,
Speaker 1: the working out is more you letting out everything, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying like you're getting a chance to
Speaker 1: hit the punching bag or throw the weights, or run
Speaker 1: a mile or do something, get a chance to that
Speaker 1: that energy that comes that Um, I forgot what the
Speaker 1: world is called. UM. When you exert that energy, what's
Speaker 1: the what's the thing the endorphins. When the endorphins come,
Speaker 1: it just makes you feel so much better. And there's
Speaker 1: no endorphins like competing and getting that physical activity in
Speaker 1: the time with your friends completely different. You can watch
Speaker 1: a game, you can sit down and talk, you can
Speaker 1: smoke a cigar, that's one thing. But you have to
Speaker 1: get the workout in. So I agree with that that
Speaker 1: was top five number five. Going into the top five,
Speaker 1: I definitely and in spiraling into that after you get
Speaker 1: your workout in or whatever it is you're using to
Speaker 1: exert that stress or energy, that relief. UM. A quiet
Speaker 1: place to decompress. You know, just as much as I
Speaker 1: need my nap time and I need my quiet time,
Speaker 1: you need your time as well too. And that can
Speaker 1: just be for decompressing, that can be for you focusing
Speaker 1: on your career on work. I know a lot of
Speaker 1: times the shift and the focus for you is okay,
Speaker 1: Cadeen is good. The boys are good. Now I have
Speaker 1: time to kind of just refocus on myself and not
Speaker 1: being distracted it. So we've spoken in a previous episode
Speaker 1: about some guys feeling like they need advice, like instead
Speaker 1: of going to that advice of maybe like drinking or
Speaker 1: smoking or other women or something like that, you pour
Speaker 1: back into yourself. So self care is always discussed when
Speaker 1: it comes to women, but self care is very real
Speaker 1: for men as well. And mental health yea, and mental
Speaker 1: health for sure. So if that's something that you need,
Speaker 1: is just like some alone time for Devout is going
Speaker 1: downstairs into his man cave, you know, totill disappear down there,
Speaker 1: and I'll let him rock. I'll let him have his
Speaker 1: space until he starts to be a baby and it's
Speaker 1: just like, well where are you? And I'll be honest,
Speaker 1: and this is is gonna be important. We have three
Speaker 1: kids and Condeine is pregnant. When I need my space,
Speaker 1: my pregnant wife will grab my kids and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: let your father be. And the reason why I say
Speaker 1: that's important is because so many oftentimes they feel like
Speaker 1: men don't deserve quiet time when a woman is pregnant
Speaker 1: and that women aren't aren't considerate enough to realize what
Speaker 1: a man needs while pregnant. But that is not true.
Speaker 1: Even while pregnant, you are very considerate sometimes when it
Speaker 1: comes to YO, I see that the vow kniz this time,
Speaker 1: so you'll be like able, absolutely, And I think it's
Speaker 1: important to be said. That's like acknowledged the fact that YO,
Speaker 1: he does need that, he needs that to for example,
Speaker 1: even too just in the mornings, like now, we're on
Speaker 1: a different routine. Jackson is up for school at six am,
Speaker 1: and I'm getting up with Jackson. My mom is up
Speaker 1: as well. She's helping with his breakfast. She's helping me
Speaker 1: get the two ones together. Drop Jackson to school because
Speaker 1: he goes in like an hour and a half earlier
Speaker 1: than the two little ones. Hiron Kaz. They go to
Speaker 1: school usually with my mom or some mornings just because
Speaker 1: Daddy likes to take the boys to school and their
Speaker 1: first experiences. You know, Devel will get up some mornings,
Speaker 1: but the other mornings, I'm like, yo, let the man
Speaker 1: sleep like he literally while we're asleep at night, steer
Speaker 1: up just thinking about things that need to be done,
Speaker 1: bills that need to be paid, the logistics of this
Speaker 1: how we run on a day to day basis. So
Speaker 1: I'm aware of that, and I'm cognizant of the fact
Speaker 1: that you have a lot on your brain and in
Speaker 1: addition to that, you're trying to make strides, and you
Speaker 1: are making strides in your career. That is, it's necessary
Speaker 1: for you to have a pace of peace. So if
Speaker 1: I can provide that for you at some point during
Speaker 1: the day, daily, every other day, as you need it, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you tagged me in and I'll figure it out. But
Speaker 1: all those kids, that's that's definitely true. All right. Next, um,
Speaker 1: that was number four right, Number three meals hot meals.
Speaker 1: So this is the challenge for us at the beginning
Speaker 1: because when I was sick and could not cook and
Speaker 1: just feeling down and out, couldn't stand the smell of food.
Speaker 1: You know, I know devout too. In addition to releasing
Speaker 1: all attentions in different parts of his body, he needs
Speaker 1: a full stomach. Like everything else could be empty, but
Speaker 1: he needs a full stomach. So trying to forward think meals.
Speaker 1: It came to a point where I even had someone
Speaker 1: helped me meal prep during that phase because I knew,
Speaker 1: like girls, you're not gonna be able to cook. So
Speaker 1: I hit up somebody out here and was like, hey,
Speaker 1: can you just provide some meal prep for like the
Speaker 1: next week because it was going to become a thing
Speaker 1: where I know he was gonna be angry. You didn't
Speaker 1: it helped me help You wasn't a person at that moment.
Speaker 1: Because stress and anxiety makes me hungry. And most of
Speaker 1: the people that I know, especially dudes, it makes them hungry.
Speaker 1: Like anxiety and stresses just like there's something on where
Speaker 1: I got to eat something and makes it. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it is about it. So whenever you get
Speaker 1: pregnant for whatever reason, well I know what the reason is,
Speaker 1: because I'm always on edge trying to make sure everything
Speaker 1: is good. I just be hungry. I snack a lot,
Speaker 1: had sympathy craving. No, it ain't sympathy. It would be
Speaker 1: anxiety because I just want everything to be good. But
Speaker 1: if if I can't feed my my body, if things
Speaker 1: aren't prepared for me, I can't even help you because
Speaker 1: you know, you get anxiety, then you get stressed, and
Speaker 1: then you know headache and you know, let me go
Speaker 1: take a nap. I got a headache. No, if I'm
Speaker 1: fed I can go all day. So as long as
Speaker 1: I've eaten in the morning, and you do this, well,
Speaker 1: I'll eat in the morning. A couple hours later, you
Speaker 1: come back and you something something and then I'm good.
Speaker 1: Then you just make a sandwich and the sandwich just
Speaker 1: beat it, and then I'll eat. And then before I
Speaker 1: know what, I'm like, think I eat nothing today. Then
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait a minute, I did eat. Because I
Speaker 1: don't tend to think about He'll go all day and
Speaker 1: just not eating. They'll be food in the house, but
Speaker 1: then he'll just be glad I didn't eat. So sometimes
Speaker 1: I forward think that or even if I know I'm
Speaker 1: going to take a nap or if I'm going to
Speaker 1: pick up the boys or something. My mom checks in
Speaker 1: on him frequently and it's like the devout eat did
Speaker 1: he eat? You know? So that I think is something
Speaker 1: that we can food? Food? Does I have it? As
Speaker 1: number two here? I think I might have skipped something
Speaker 1: to go through because you know, baby brain be having
Speaker 1: little lapses and whatnot. Um, so yeah, some meals are
Speaker 1: very important I think for you. And then of course
Speaker 1: I had hanky panky on there. I know I spoke
Speaker 1: about the other version of it, but sometimes just that
Speaker 1: intimacy and I feel like at the time, at the
Speaker 1: times too, it's not even just the act of sex
Speaker 1: for us, it's just like still feeling desired the same way. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is number one. Still feeling desired, Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1: What a couple of months ago. Yeah, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I miss making out, but now you've got the belly
Speaker 1: so you can't sit on me. And that's one thing
Speaker 1: I know I miss. I do miss like that like
Speaker 1: closeness that we have, like that chest to chest feeling,
Speaker 1: um because if there's a little person in the way
Speaker 1: right now, but that I think it's just necessary so
Speaker 1: that you can know that you're still alive and I
Speaker 1: still think you're handsome, and I think that you're sexy,
Speaker 1: and yes, absolutely and all the things that I want
Speaker 1: to do I can't. However, like I said back there,
Speaker 1: reassure us that everything will be okay, that there's a
Speaker 1: something in sight, you know. So you see how the
Speaker 1: list kind of like funnels back through and funnels back through,
Speaker 1: so um, So yeah, I think it's important for you
Speaker 1: to still feel that because you know, it's easy for
Speaker 1: me to be in my funks and you're just kind
Speaker 1: of feeling like you're existing in the space of just existing,
Speaker 1: you know, and not for nothing. I know when you
Speaker 1: go out in these streets, these did them girls be
Speaker 1: looking at you, They'll be checking you out. Yeah, them
Speaker 1: girls girls, I will say. I like the fact that
Speaker 1: you separated head from hanky panky. I'm gonna tell you why.
Speaker 1: You said head right, and I was number six. You
Speaker 1: said because you just know I need a sexual release, right,
Speaker 1: which is good because as a man, I do need that.
Speaker 1: But then you also said hanky panky because I also
Speaker 1: want to feel desired. Those are two different things, and
Speaker 1: there's a distinct difference between those, and I don't think
Speaker 1: people understand the difference between those. And it's not just
Speaker 1: the physical, it's not just the penetration. It's not that
Speaker 1: it's just I want my wife to want me even
Speaker 1: when she's pregnant. I want to know that my wife
Speaker 1: still wants me. That's different than my wife is giving
Speaker 1: me a sexual release. And I don't think a lot
Speaker 1: of people understand when a man says that what he means.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, And the fact that you
Speaker 1: broke those up on the list mean a lot to me.
Speaker 1: You put put headed number six. I think it was
Speaker 1: number five, number five, So we have acknowledgment, acknowledgement right
Speaker 1: as that quality time with the homies reassurance that everything
Speaker 1: will be back to normal, then I had um so
Speaker 1: after the reassurance, number six was flatio, then we had
Speaker 1: I mean swings, tension, so exercise or things, a quiet
Speaker 1: place to decompress meals. And then I said, hanky panky, right,
Speaker 1: so that means that I'm short one. Maybe I messed up, yeah, exactly. Well,
Speaker 1: then now that I have something missing, is just something
Speaker 1: you dad that you feel like I've missed on the list,
Speaker 1: because you would ask me if I felt like anything
Speaker 1: was missing, but I would move acknowledgement. I would just
Speaker 1: move acknowledgement up. I don't think you missed anything because
Speaker 1: we really don't require much, and I feel like we
Speaker 1: didn't really read these two well, I just kind of
Speaker 1: I don't think that it didn't something you put them
Speaker 1: in order. But acknowledgement is important because with acknowledgement is
Speaker 1: like you know, so oftentimes like we just always constantly
Speaker 1: worried about our wives and our kids and doing stuff,
Speaker 1: and no one says thank you, No one says Hey,
Speaker 1: you know, how are you doing as a father house
Speaker 1: a new father. So knowing that especially from your your wife,
Speaker 1: knowing that she acknowledges what I'm doing, that means the
Speaker 1: most to me. Like when I know that you you
Speaker 1: see what I'm doing, that means the most. I would
Speaker 1: I would move that up there. I would move it
Speaker 1: up there as far as just for my mental health.
Speaker 1: But the things you have up there for physical health,
Speaker 1: like meals, a space decompressed that eliminates anxiety, and I
Speaker 1: think those are important. And if women pregnant women realize
Speaker 1: that their significant others need that, they would be more
Speaker 1: inclined to, you know, like help me, help you. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, the same way, we always focused
Speaker 1: on you. If you're focused on this. For me, I'm energized.
Speaker 1: I'm ready to go. Absolutely. It's like our our saying
Speaker 1: goes like, you know, you take care of me and
Speaker 1: I take care of us. Yeah, exactly. And those I
Speaker 1: may fall short sometimes, especially just now, because there's so
Speaker 1: many things going on internally with me. I'm still aware
Speaker 1: of it. And I think that's what has progressed with
Speaker 1: me from pregnancy number one to pregnancy number four. Um
Speaker 1: and I understand too that it may be different for
Speaker 1: first time moms first time dad's because these are kinks
Speaker 1: that you have to figure out as season vets in
Speaker 1: the game. That's the reason we have episodes like this
Speaker 1: this season. Um, so you can go. You guys can
Speaker 1: kind of follow us in a real time and know
Speaker 1: the things that we're dealing with in real time because
Speaker 1: it's fresh in our brains. Um. But also too, it's
Speaker 1: a little bit of like tidbits that you can take
Speaker 1: or leave. You know, some people be like, you know,
Speaker 1: we'll shoot that. That's not something I'm willing to do
Speaker 1: or want to do, and that's fine. Um, but this
Speaker 1: is a list that I think it worked for both
Speaker 1: of us. So so yeah, so I didn't miss anything
Speaker 1: that was pretty good, all right, right. I think that's
Speaker 1: why we work well now. Eleven years in the game.
Speaker 1: You know me so well, I know you so well.
Speaker 1: We know how to serve each other. So absolutely, all right,
Speaker 1: sounds good teamwork, baby. So let's take a quick break, um,
Speaker 1: and then would you listen to letters after we get
Speaker 1: into these ads? All right, y'all, so let's stay too.
Speaker 1: Listen the letter time. Oh this person gave them our
Speaker 1: their whole name the government. All right, all right, Marvin Rice,
Speaker 1: if that's that's your real name, or did you send
Speaker 1: an alias? All right? So marvit. Marvin says that I've
Speaker 1: been following and loving your content for a while now.
Speaker 1: On the last episode I watched, talked about service and
Speaker 1: serving your wife and even how the world should be
Speaker 1: different if we choose to be servants. I've been married
Speaker 1: for a year and for at least seven years I've
Speaker 1: served at a mission organization where we house men coming
Speaker 1: off the streets and feeding the homeless. That's awesome. I
Speaker 1: don't get paid with this organization, so to provide for
Speaker 1: myself and now my wife, I have always worked a
Speaker 1: full time job. In addition, the director wants to retire
Speaker 1: and I've been training to take her place, but I
Speaker 1: can't do that while working another full time job. The
Speaker 1: original goal was to raise missionary support to provide for
Speaker 1: my wife and I while I serve at the mission,
Speaker 1: but things changed about three months ago when we found
Speaker 1: out my wife is pregnant and my baby girl will
Speaker 1: be here in November. Oh yeah, we're like concurrent. Um,
Speaker 1: So I'm writing to get advice on what you would do.
Speaker 1: I thought about starting my own business to provide while
Speaker 1: I work with the mission. Also to this is very
Speaker 1: very simple. You cannot provide a service to anyone else
Speaker 1: at the expense of your wife and family. Like, there's
Speaker 1: just not that's there's no way. And I think even
Speaker 1: the people at the mission would say the same thing, like, bro,
Speaker 1: if you can't take care of home and make sure
Speaker 1: that your wife, how could you be of service to
Speaker 1: others and not be of service to your wife and
Speaker 1: your family. This is very simple because he said, starting
Speaker 1: another job, starting a business, all of these things are
Speaker 1: gonna take time away from your family. So that you
Speaker 1: could already give more time to other people. He's not
Speaker 1: even gonna have that as much time when that baby comes.
Speaker 1: I think at this moment he needs to focus on
Speaker 1: whatever his wife and his soon to be daughter need.
Speaker 1: Then once he's able to get that settled, then because
Speaker 1: the mission is not going anywhere, there will always be
Speaker 1: homeless people. There will always be people and that that
Speaker 1: need help. So he can start his mission or go
Speaker 1: back to the mission when he has the time. But
Speaker 1: why your wife is pregnant and you're having a baby,
Speaker 1: that is not a good time to try to pick
Speaker 1: up another project. He's going to be spread two things
Speaker 1: and it's going to be at a detriment. I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about the adjustment period to like that, especially just you
Speaker 1: know wife and then yeah, there's a lot of adjustment.
Speaker 1: How you can't anticipate how much to help your wife
Speaker 1: will need. You know, God wily she has a nice
Speaker 1: natural birth. Everything goes smoothly. But say she has you know,
Speaker 1: let's say c section or something that requires more um
Speaker 1: recovery time. Even when you have help and support from
Speaker 1: your village, it's a lot. And you know your wife
Speaker 1: wants you, so I would say tread lightly with that
Speaker 1: for now. I agree with you, devel um, but I
Speaker 1: think your heart's in the right place. That's awesome that
Speaker 1: you're helping people as well as you always have time.
Speaker 1: As long as you alive, you have time to Absolutely
Speaker 1: you got to make sure you and it will come
Speaker 1: back tenful for sure. Number two, y'all, I noticed email
Speaker 1: will make a lot of people give me to give
Speaker 1: the side out, but hear me out. I fell in
Speaker 1: love with someone who's married Dan. He's mad already. It
Speaker 1: just happened with no malice intentions. I feel so guilty
Speaker 1: for the hurt that I participated in. But I do
Speaker 1: love this man so very much. Okay, Andy, Um we
Speaker 1: formed the great friendship and a bond. It's a connection
Speaker 1: I never really felt before. Recently, he told me his
Speaker 1: spouse got pregnant, and I made a decision to leave
Speaker 1: because I just couldn't participate in this wrong thing anymore. Um,
Speaker 1: he's a great guy. Besides his poor choice, I do
Speaker 1: know he loves me a lot. I do feel like
Speaker 1: this is someone I would love to be with, but
Speaker 1: obviously it feels like I have no opportunity. I did
Speaker 1: not encourage him to leave his pregnant wife, but to
Speaker 1: think about what it is he wants in life and
Speaker 1: his happiness. I tried to shoot my shot, and I
Speaker 1: told him how I felt about him. He told me.
Speaker 1: He told me he couldn't throw it away years of
Speaker 1: a long relationship and there is a lot of family
Speaker 1: involved in responsibility. But I think that's an easy cop out.
Speaker 1: But I do get it. His first instinct when telling
Speaker 1: me about his wife being pregnant was figuring out how
Speaker 1: him and I could sustain our relationship, which to me
Speaker 1: shows he's not at all invested in his marriage, but
Speaker 1: is way too scared to leave. I've said all I
Speaker 1: could say to him. He said he's not ready to
Speaker 1: tell us life, especially now that she's pregnant, which I
Speaker 1: agree and disagree with. But I know it's not a secret.
Speaker 1: I can tell her myself. It's not a secret I
Speaker 1: can tell myself. I listened to your podcasts all the time.
Speaker 1: I resonate with a lot of things that you say,
Speaker 1: and I try to understand how every party in this field,
Speaker 1: which is why I stepped back. All I'm hoping now
Speaker 1: is that he thinks about what he wants in life.
Speaker 1: I'd love for him to give me a chance. I
Speaker 1: support him in any decision he'd make, but I encourage
Speaker 1: for us to stop communicating so he can truly figure
Speaker 1: himself out. I really like this person, and seeing all
Speaker 1: this happened hurts, which I know one day would happen,
Speaker 1: but I had hoped any advice go ahead, Ky already know?
Speaker 1: UM yeah this I mean to be honest, this is
Speaker 1: a familiar story, right. I feel like we've heard stories
Speaker 1: like this before. There's a lot of stories, a lot
Speaker 1: of stories like this before. But it's kind of like
Speaker 1: you put yourself in that situation, you know, Um, maybe
Speaker 1: not thinking it would have spiraled out of control, but
Speaker 1: it has. I think the latter half of what you
Speaker 1: said makes the most sense, giving him his space to
Speaker 1: figure out what it is that he wants to do um,
Speaker 1: because the judgment is already clouded at this point, and
Speaker 1: I don't see getting any clearer, especially if y'all two
Speaker 1: are still involved. I'm not judging anybody, you know what
Speaker 1: I've learned listening to listen to letters. There are a
Speaker 1: lot of people in unhappy marriages, right, So when someone says, oh,
Speaker 1: I fell in love with a married man, the first
Speaker 1: thing they do is get mad at the mistress and say,
Speaker 1: how can she do that? There are a lot of people,
Speaker 1: women and men in unhappy marriages, and how they choose
Speaker 1: to find their peace is up to them. So if
Speaker 1: you're in an unhappy marriage and you seek someone outside
Speaker 1: of your marriage to make you happy, there's a possibility
Speaker 1: you could have fallen in love. So we really got
Speaker 1: to stop acting as if that does not happen. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's number one. That's that's that's a familiar story, right.
Speaker 1: Number two, he's made it very clear at this point
Speaker 1: that he's not gonna leave his wife, so that you
Speaker 1: keep constantly saying, I keep giving him opportunities. He already
Speaker 1: said it's not gonna happen. What you're hoping is that
Speaker 1: one day he comes around and says, I think I
Speaker 1: can do this now. If I'm being real and I'm
Speaker 1: just stepping back, I'm not judging he's still fucking his wife.
Speaker 1: They're not really because she's pregnant. They're not really that estranged.
Speaker 1: Because I do know some people who have not slept
Speaker 1: with their significant other lives in the same house for years,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So for her to still
Speaker 1: be present, which means they're still making love, which means
Speaker 1: he may not be being as honest with her about
Speaker 1: how messed up his marriages, that may be a way
Speaker 1: for him to keep her on the hook and keep
Speaker 1: his wife. That's a possibility. I don't know right so,
Speaker 1: because I you know, I've got a ton of friends,
Speaker 1: I have a ton of people I speak to, both
Speaker 1: men and women who both say, you know, I love
Speaker 1: my husband or I love my wife, but there's certain
Speaker 1: things that my husband and my wife don't do. And
Speaker 1: I'm tired of asking for it, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: go find it somewhere. Else, you know. So what I
Speaker 1: would say to her is, you may you may think
Speaker 1: you love this man, but you can't open up your
Speaker 1: heart to find real love or love anywhere else if
Speaker 1: you continue to focus on him. He's clearly balancing between
Speaker 1: his wife and you. Maybe you should think about some
Speaker 1: other people so you don't feel like you put all
Speaker 1: your eggs in this. That's just what I think. And
Speaker 1: once again, I'm not judging saying that any I's not
Speaker 1: doing that. But but I will say though the writing
Speaker 1: is on the wall based on what you and I
Speaker 1: said towards the end of this, and she said, I
Speaker 1: feel like I should just not communicate with him anymore
Speaker 1: so he can figure things out. Maybe there maybe that
Speaker 1: the best thing break, not the double dutch jumping in inside,
Speaker 1: you know, trying to get in the rope situation. Because
Speaker 1: here's another thing too that I've learned over time. You
Speaker 1: may feel comfortable and in love with this person while
Speaker 1: that person is married to someone else, because you get
Speaker 1: the that person that doesn't deal with stress. But then
Speaker 1: that person leaves their significant other and it comes with
Speaker 1: you and now you hate that motherfucker. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying that your full time now because you know,
Speaker 1: because now you don't only get to see this person.
Speaker 1: You know, you don't get to see them at just
Speaker 1: their leisure or when they want to. Now you got
Speaker 1: to wake up in this personct keep putting the toilet,
Speaker 1: set up this person to leaves the cap off of
Speaker 1: the toothpaste. When you when you're mistress or aside joint,
Speaker 1: everything is perfect all the time. And now you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You love this man when he's someone
Speaker 1: else's husband, but then when he becomes your husband, it's like,
Speaker 1: I hate this na. This is a warning potential, This
Speaker 1: is a warning. You know what I'm saying. And then
Speaker 1: some people also get involved in these extra matteral affears,
Speaker 1: saying like you knew what this was when we started.
Speaker 1: We didn't expect for this to become an entire, full
Speaker 1: blown love relationship. Some people will say, man and woman,
Speaker 1: this is not what I signed up for in the beginning.
Speaker 1: You were just supposed to be the escape and now
Speaker 1: you're trying to be the main and that's not what
Speaker 1: I wanted. And in all honestly that's fair. If you
Speaker 1: and I have an understanding, you can't come to me
Speaker 1: afterwards like what I love you gotta leave your wife.
Speaker 1: That's not what that's not what we do. That's not
Speaker 1: what we do, you know what. And it's it's funny
Speaker 1: to say if we're being fair, because the person being
Speaker 1: cheated on is not being treated fairly. But if you
Speaker 1: knew that we're breaking out the situation, you knew you
Speaker 1: was a side joint, you can't get mad at him
Speaker 1: for not making you the main joint island like play
Speaker 1: a positions. That's it. But this goes back to one
Speaker 1: of our other podcasts. If people didn't frown upon polygamy,
Speaker 1: and we're open to people living alternative lifestyles where they
Speaker 1: can date who they want and sleep with who they want,
Speaker 1: as long as everyone is being honest, we wouldn't have
Speaker 1: these problems. Well, some people will subscribe to that, and
Speaker 1: that might work. We as a society look down on
Speaker 1: people who live like that, but well, the open open something.
Speaker 1: But we'll but will applaud people who assume to be
Speaker 1: married and the cheat. You see what I'm saying, Actual
Speaker 1: and factual people got to start being real. They gotta
Speaker 1: beat dead ass with each because here's the thing, all
Speaker 1: of this could work out, and all these people could
Speaker 1: finally be honest and live to be happy afterwards, like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is all it took. That's all it took. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you communicate, you never know if she what if
Speaker 1: she called this man wife and she was just like
Speaker 1: I knew he was cheating. I was waiting for his
Speaker 1: negative tell me you can have him wife, the baby coming.
Speaker 1: She got her own thing on the side. Probably if
Speaker 1: he got time to do this, I'm pretty sure she
Speaker 1: got time to do whatever she doing. She go off
Speaker 1: with her man. He decided he fine. When my wife
Speaker 1: says she's cool, I'm good. We're gonna call parents now.
Speaker 1: Y'all get married, live happily. Of after, people need to
Speaker 1: start communicating. If they communicate, they might be all right,
Speaker 1: all right, now you have it since Just don't tell
Speaker 1: her that I told you to do that, because said
Speaker 1: that's a fact. A y'all these listen letters get they're
Speaker 1: pretty good. That was a good one. Good good to
Speaker 1: listen of letters. So if you want to be featured
Speaker 1: as one of our listener letters, be sure to email
Speaker 1: us at datas Advice at gmail dot com. That's right,
Speaker 1: that's d E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. All right now,
Speaker 1: moment of truth time. Do you got one or I
Speaker 1: got I got the truth. My moment of truth is
Speaker 1: that it's important for men to be acknowledged while going
Speaker 1: through the process of pregnancy with their women. Like we
Speaker 1: we want to be acknowledged as the father. You know,
Speaker 1: we took part in this process making it. But I'm
Speaker 1: also women, help us, help you you. You know you
Speaker 1: want your husband to be there or your significant other
Speaker 1: to be there for you in every step of the way.
Speaker 1: Help him with that. Give him some mails, give him
Speaker 1: some attention and let him know that you are grateful,
Speaker 1: show some gratitude. That will give him the energy and
Speaker 1: the stammin that he needs to support you through this
Speaker 1: whole process. And it's just that simple. You continue to
Speaker 1: serve him. He continued to serve you. Y'all both serve
Speaker 1: this baby when the baby come dope. I like that,
Speaker 1: um an eyeline with that. Hence my list, But also too,
Speaker 1: I think we need to normalize men potentially having a
Speaker 1: little bit of prenatal anxiety, postpartum stress, voicing voicing it, Yes,
Speaker 1: so normalizing them being vocal about it and us having
Speaker 1: discussions and talking more about the effects that pregnancy, childbirth,
Speaker 1: labor delivery may have on men. That's fair because a
Speaker 1: lot of men did reach out to me and said
Speaker 1: that they were nervous at the thought of having a
Speaker 1: baby and not knowing what to do or what to expect,
Speaker 1: what to expect, And then you have those panicky phone
Speaker 1: calls that we've gotten, you know, like what do I do?
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on? Or you know, bro,
Speaker 1: I'm here working all these hours providing and I come
Speaker 1: home and she's still not doing X y Z, and
Speaker 1: you're saying, how many how many sisters in love? If
Speaker 1: I had to uh pretty much adopt you know, during
Speaker 1: the process. And it's because we don't have the open
Speaker 1: conversation we expect for things to just naturally occur, like
Speaker 1: she's naturally going to have this baby, She's naturally gonna
Speaker 1: just be pregnant and glowing, and he's just gonna be
Speaker 1: here to just sit back and wait for this baby
Speaker 1: to come and things whill just magically happen. No, um,
Speaker 1: So let's normalize having those discussions, men being vocal about
Speaker 1: it and us women supporting them through that as well,
Speaker 1: because it's a team sport for sure, all Right, y'all
Speaker 1: sounds good. Well, be sure to find us on social
Speaker 1: media if you have not already Dead as the Podcasts
Speaker 1: for post little video clips and stuff like that. You
Speaker 1: can engage with us there. Also, you know my personal
Speaker 1: page Candean I am and I Am Devout, And if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to wait, review,
Speaker 1: and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the
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Speaker 1: dead as the Podcasts and never miss a thing I
Speaker 1: had you listening