WEBVTT - Bonus: Dani's Listening, Episode 8

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<v Speaker 1>Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. This episode contains

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<v Speaker 1>discussion of child sexual abuse. Listener discretion is advised. Danny's

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<v Speaker 1>Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family

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<v Speaker 1>Secrets High Family Secrets Family. As your listeners stories keep

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<v Speaker 1>pouring in, I'm back with a new bonus episode of

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<v Speaker 1>Danny's Listening. We continue to be blown away by your

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<v Speaker 1>courage and vulnerability. It's an honor to share these listeners

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<v Speaker 1>stories from time to time as we are deep into

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<v Speaker 1>producing Season eight of Family Secrets, which will launch on

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<v Speaker 1>May fourth with extraordinary new episodes. Also, stay tuned for

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<v Speaker 1>more special bonus content my interview with the brilliant doctor

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<v Speaker 1>Gabor Mate, author most recently of The Myths of Normal.

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<v Speaker 1>Doctor Mate is one of the world's leading experts on addiction,

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<v Speaker 1>stress trauma, and child development. Stay tuned too for an

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<v Speaker 1>episode in which the wonderful Kimmy Culp, journalist, writer, motivational speaker,

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<v Speaker 1>and host of the podcast All the Wiser interviews me

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<v Speaker 1>about my own secrets and all the things that led

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<v Speaker 1>to this podcast. But now here is a powerful story

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<v Speaker 1>from a listener. Hey, Danny, So my secret is that

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<v Speaker 1>several summers ago, when I was twenty five, I was

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<v Speaker 1>on a road trip with my family, and out of nowhere,

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<v Speaker 1>my mom decided to tell me that when I was

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<v Speaker 1>very young, I a babysitter who had later gone to

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<v Speaker 1>prison or molesting other kids. I did not remember being

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<v Speaker 1>baby sat by a boy in the neighborhood. But as

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<v Speaker 1>soon as you said that, I thought to myself, that

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<v Speaker 1>might explain a few things. However, that was really painful

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<v Speaker 1>to think about, so I pushed those thoughts away as

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<v Speaker 1>soon as they came. They didn't resurface until several years later.

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<v Speaker 1>My doctor told me I was due for another pat Smeir,

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<v Speaker 1>and that brought up the whole see of emotions. I

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<v Speaker 1>had always had a lot of anxiety around my path sir,

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<v Speaker 1>to the point that I was only able to successfully

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<v Speaker 1>complete it under the general anaesthesia Vallem didn't even work.

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<v Speaker 1>So this time, instead of pushing those emotions the way,

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<v Speaker 1>I started talking to my therapist about it. I talked

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<v Speaker 1>about how the bankst of not knowing was just taking

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<v Speaker 1>up a lot of space in my head. And eventually,

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<v Speaker 1>after lots of planning, I decided to confront my dad

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<v Speaker 1>about this, and he was able to give me the

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<v Speaker 1>name of this boy, and I was able to track

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<v Speaker 1>him down find him on the sex offender registry. He's

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<v Speaker 1>in prison again after some child pornography charges. And the

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<v Speaker 1>more I talked about it and researched child sexual abuse,

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<v Speaker 1>the more that a lot of my life made sense,

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<v Speaker 1>like the fear of a lot of different medical procedures,

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<v Speaker 1>and the years of anxiety and depression, eating disorders and

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<v Speaker 1>difficulty with relationships and all made a lot of sense.

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<v Speaker 1>But when I told my dad that basically my wife

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<v Speaker 1>was making sense and light of the snare information, he

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<v Speaker 1>basically said it had never occurred them. So a part

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<v Speaker 1>of me is really angry at my parents for keeping

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<v Speaker 1>this information from me for twenty five years and then

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<v Speaker 1>bringing it up super casually, as if it wasn't a

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<v Speaker 1>big deal. But I don't think they entered with malice first.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks so much for being willing to share your story

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<v Speaker 1>with us. I know it's going to resonate in many,

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<v Speaker 1>many ways with many many listeners. I was particularly struck

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<v Speaker 1>by your clarity and the emotional intelligence with which you

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<v Speaker 1>already understand the impact of this secret that was kept

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<v Speaker 1>from you. I'll tell you how it resonated with me.

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<v Speaker 1>The casual way that your mom mentioned the history of

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<v Speaker 1>your babysitter during a road trip. I couldn't help but

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<v Speaker 1>wonder if it really was a casual mention, or whether

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<v Speaker 1>your mom, either unconsciously or conscious chose a road trip

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<v Speaker 1>that great parental move where you know you have your

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<v Speaker 1>kid to yourself in a moving vehicle to tell you

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<v Speaker 1>something that maybe she intuited. You should know. My mom

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<v Speaker 1>did that with me when I was exactly your age,

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<v Speaker 1>about something altogether different, and I honestly don't think she

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<v Speaker 1>was aware of what she was doing, but still she

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<v Speaker 1>gave me a piece of information that became incredibly important

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<v Speaker 1>and useful to me later. You did what so many

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<v Speaker 1>of us do, As you say, you pushed the thoughts away.

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<v Speaker 1>They were too discomfiting, too jarring, too painful to even contemplate.

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<v Speaker 1>But this is something that comes up again and again

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<v Speaker 1>on this podcast. There is ultimately no such thing as

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<v Speaker 1>pushing such huge matters away. They always return to us,

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<v Speaker 1>one way or another. As Carl Jung once said, until

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<v Speaker 1>you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life,

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<v Speaker 1>and you will call it fate. You say, the more

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<v Speaker 1>you dug into your story, the more many puzzling aspects

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<v Speaker 1>of your life made sense. Your anxiety around PAP's mirrors

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<v Speaker 1>and all medical procedures, you're eating disorder, your difficulty and relationships.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like a sharper lens clicked into place, and now

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<v Speaker 1>you could see your own history with much greater clarity.

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<v Speaker 1>What I want to say to you is there is

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<v Speaker 1>so much liberation in this. It will never change what happened,

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<v Speaker 1>but it will change your relationship to yourself. I'm hoping

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<v Speaker 1>that more self knowledge, more kindness to yourself, more compassion

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<v Speaker 1>for that girl who went through something that became literally unspeakable.

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<v Speaker 1>All of this will be coming your way. I'm wishing

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<v Speaker 1>you peace as you move into the next chapter of

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<v Speaker 1>your life. When I was twenty five, I felt old,

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<v Speaker 1>but from where I sit today, it is so so young.

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<v Speaker 1>You have a life ahead of you, filled with so

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<v Speaker 1>many possibilities. You no longer will be propelled by the

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<v Speaker 1>angst of not knowing. Knowledge is power, and you have

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<v Speaker 1>that now. This is a strange thing to say, perhaps,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'm happy for you.