Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. This episode contains
Speaker 1: discussion of child sexual abuse. Listener discretion is advised. Danny's
Speaker 1: Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family
Speaker 1: Secrets High Family Secrets Family. As your listeners stories keep
Speaker 1: pouring in, I'm back with a new bonus episode of
Speaker 1: Danny's Listening. We continue to be blown away by your
Speaker 1: courage and vulnerability. It's an honor to share these listeners
Speaker 1: stories from time to time as we are deep into
Speaker 1: producing Season eight of Family Secrets, which will launch on
Speaker 1: May fourth with extraordinary new episodes. Also, stay tuned for
Speaker 1: more special bonus content my interview with the brilliant doctor
Speaker 1: Gabor Mate, author most recently of The Myths of Normal.
Speaker 1: Doctor Mate is one of the world's leading experts on addiction,
Speaker 1: stress trauma, and child development. Stay tuned too for an
Speaker 1: episode in which the wonderful Kimmy Culp, journalist, writer, motivational speaker,
Speaker 1: and host of the podcast All the Wiser interviews me
Speaker 1: about my own secrets and all the things that led
Speaker 1: to this podcast. But now here is a powerful story
Speaker 1: from a listener. Hey, Danny, So my secret is that
Speaker 1: several summers ago, when I was twenty five, I was
Speaker 1: on a road trip with my family, and out of nowhere,
Speaker 1: my mom decided to tell me that when I was
Speaker 1: very young, I a babysitter who had later gone to
Speaker 1: prison or molesting other kids. I did not remember being
Speaker 1: baby sat by a boy in the neighborhood. But as
Speaker 1: soon as you said that, I thought to myself, that
Speaker 1: might explain a few things. However, that was really painful
Speaker 1: to think about, so I pushed those thoughts away as
Speaker 1: soon as they came. They didn't resurface until several years later.
Speaker 1: My doctor told me I was due for another pat Smeir,
Speaker 1: and that brought up the whole see of emotions. I
Speaker 1: had always had a lot of anxiety around my path sir,
Speaker 1: to the point that I was only able to successfully
Speaker 1: complete it under the general anaesthesia Vallem didn't even work.
Speaker 1: So this time, instead of pushing those emotions the way,
Speaker 1: I started talking to my therapist about it. I talked
Speaker 1: about how the bankst of not knowing was just taking
Speaker 1: up a lot of space in my head. And eventually,
Speaker 1: after lots of planning, I decided to confront my dad
Speaker 1: about this, and he was able to give me the
Speaker 1: name of this boy, and I was able to track
Speaker 1: him down find him on the sex offender registry. He's
Speaker 1: in prison again after some child pornography charges. And the
Speaker 1: more I talked about it and researched child sexual abuse,
Speaker 1: the more that a lot of my life made sense,
Speaker 1: like the fear of a lot of different medical procedures,
Speaker 1: and the years of anxiety and depression, eating disorders and
Speaker 1: difficulty with relationships and all made a lot of sense.
Speaker 1: But when I told my dad that basically my wife
Speaker 1: was making sense and light of the snare information, he
Speaker 1: basically said it had never occurred them. So a part
Speaker 1: of me is really angry at my parents for keeping
Speaker 1: this information from me for twenty five years and then
Speaker 1: bringing it up super casually, as if it wasn't a
Speaker 1: big deal. But I don't think they entered with malice first.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being willing to share your story
Speaker 1: with us. I know it's going to resonate in many,
Speaker 1: many ways with many many listeners. I was particularly struck
Speaker 1: by your clarity and the emotional intelligence with which you
Speaker 1: already understand the impact of this secret that was kept
Speaker 1: from you. I'll tell you how it resonated with me.
Speaker 1: The casual way that your mom mentioned the history of
Speaker 1: your babysitter during a road trip. I couldn't help but
Speaker 1: wonder if it really was a casual mention, or whether
Speaker 1: your mom, either unconsciously or conscious chose a road trip
Speaker 1: that great parental move where you know you have your
Speaker 1: kid to yourself in a moving vehicle to tell you
Speaker 1: something that maybe she intuited. You should know. My mom
Speaker 1: did that with me when I was exactly your age,
Speaker 1: about something altogether different, and I honestly don't think she
Speaker 1: was aware of what she was doing, but still she
Speaker 1: gave me a piece of information that became incredibly important
Speaker 1: and useful to me later. You did what so many
Speaker 1: of us do, As you say, you pushed the thoughts away.
Speaker 1: They were too discomfiting, too jarring, too painful to even contemplate.
Speaker 1: But this is something that comes up again and again
Speaker 1: on this podcast. There is ultimately no such thing as
Speaker 1: pushing such huge matters away. They always return to us,
Speaker 1: one way or another. As Carl Jung once said, until
Speaker 1: you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life,
Speaker 1: and you will call it fate. You say, the more
Speaker 1: you dug into your story, the more many puzzling aspects
Speaker 1: of your life made sense. Your anxiety around PAP's mirrors
Speaker 1: and all medical procedures, you're eating disorder, your difficulty and relationships.
Speaker 1: It's like a sharper lens clicked into place, and now
Speaker 1: you could see your own history with much greater clarity.
Speaker 1: What I want to say to you is there is
Speaker 1: so much liberation in this. It will never change what happened,
Speaker 1: but it will change your relationship to yourself. I'm hoping
Speaker 1: that more self knowledge, more kindness to yourself, more compassion
Speaker 1: for that girl who went through something that became literally unspeakable.
Speaker 1: All of this will be coming your way. I'm wishing
Speaker 1: you peace as you move into the next chapter of
Speaker 1: your life. When I was twenty five, I felt old,
Speaker 1: but from where I sit today, it is so so young.
Speaker 1: You have a life ahead of you, filled with so
Speaker 1: many possibilities. You no longer will be propelled by the
Speaker 1: angst of not knowing. Knowledge is power, and you have
Speaker 1: that now. This is a strange thing to say, perhaps,
Speaker 1: but I'm happy for you.