1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:05,040 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. This episode contains 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:18,920 Speaker 1: discussion of child sexual abuse. Listener discretion is advised. Danny's 3 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family 4 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: Secrets High Family Secrets Family. As your listeners stories keep 5 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,839 Speaker 1: pouring in, I'm back with a new bonus episode of 6 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 1: Danny's Listening. We continue to be blown away by your 7 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,839 Speaker 1: courage and vulnerability. It's an honor to share these listeners 8 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: stories from time to time as we are deep into 9 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 1: producing Season eight of Family Secrets, which will launch on 10 00:00:55,720 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: May fourth with extraordinary new episodes. Also, stay tuned for 11 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: more special bonus content my interview with the brilliant doctor 12 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,840 Speaker 1: Gabor Mate, author most recently of The Myths of Normal. 13 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,960 Speaker 1: Doctor Mate is one of the world's leading experts on addiction, 14 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:18,160 Speaker 1: stress trauma, and child development. Stay tuned too for an 15 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: episode in which the wonderful Kimmy Culp, journalist, writer, motivational speaker, 16 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: and host of the podcast All the Wiser interviews me 17 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,280 Speaker 1: about my own secrets and all the things that led 18 00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: to this podcast. But now here is a powerful story 19 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: from a listener. Hey, Danny, So my secret is that 20 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: several summers ago, when I was twenty five, I was 21 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: on a road trip with my family, and out of nowhere, 22 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 1: my mom decided to tell me that when I was 23 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 1: very young, I a babysitter who had later gone to 24 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: prison or molesting other kids. I did not remember being 25 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: baby sat by a boy in the neighborhood. But as 26 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: soon as you said that, I thought to myself, that 27 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: might explain a few things. However, that was really painful 28 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 1: to think about, so I pushed those thoughts away as 29 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: soon as they came. They didn't resurface until several years later. 30 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 1: My doctor told me I was due for another pat Smeir, 31 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 1: and that brought up the whole see of emotions. I 32 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: had always had a lot of anxiety around my path sir, 33 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: to the point that I was only able to successfully 34 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: complete it under the general anaesthesia Vallem didn't even work. 35 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 1: So this time, instead of pushing those emotions the way, 36 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:01,079 Speaker 1: I started talking to my therapist about it. I talked 37 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:07,959 Speaker 1: about how the bankst of not knowing was just taking 38 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: up a lot of space in my head. And eventually, 39 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 1: after lots of planning, I decided to confront my dad 40 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 1: about this, and he was able to give me the 41 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 1: name of this boy, and I was able to track 42 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: him down find him on the sex offender registry. He's 43 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:33,399 Speaker 1: in prison again after some child pornography charges. And the 44 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 1: more I talked about it and researched child sexual abuse, 45 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,840 Speaker 1: the more that a lot of my life made sense, 46 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 1: like the fear of a lot of different medical procedures, 47 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 1: and the years of anxiety and depression, eating disorders and 48 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: difficulty with relationships and all made a lot of sense. 49 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 1: But when I told my dad that basically my wife 50 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: was making sense and light of the snare information, he 51 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: basically said it had never occurred them. So a part 52 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: of me is really angry at my parents for keeping 53 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: this information from me for twenty five years and then 54 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,039 Speaker 1: bringing it up super casually, as if it wasn't a 55 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:27,039 Speaker 1: big deal. But I don't think they entered with malice first. 56 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being willing to share your story 57 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 1: with us. I know it's going to resonate in many, 58 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:37,040 Speaker 1: many ways with many many listeners. I was particularly struck 59 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 1: by your clarity and the emotional intelligence with which you 60 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: already understand the impact of this secret that was kept 61 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 1: from you. I'll tell you how it resonated with me. 62 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: The casual way that your mom mentioned the history of 63 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:54,159 Speaker 1: your babysitter during a road trip. I couldn't help but 64 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,840 Speaker 1: wonder if it really was a casual mention, or whether 65 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: your mom, either unconsciously or conscious chose a road trip 66 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 1: that great parental move where you know you have your 67 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: kid to yourself in a moving vehicle to tell you 68 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:13,239 Speaker 1: something that maybe she intuited. You should know. My mom 69 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 1: did that with me when I was exactly your age, 70 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: about something altogether different, and I honestly don't think she 71 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,960 Speaker 1: was aware of what she was doing, but still she 72 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: gave me a piece of information that became incredibly important 73 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,600 Speaker 1: and useful to me later. You did what so many 74 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,159 Speaker 1: of us do, As you say, you pushed the thoughts away. 75 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: They were too discomfiting, too jarring, too painful to even contemplate. 76 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:42,359 Speaker 1: But this is something that comes up again and again 77 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: on this podcast. There is ultimately no such thing as 78 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: pushing such huge matters away. They always return to us, 79 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: one way or another. As Carl Jung once said, until 80 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 1: you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, 81 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: and you will call it fate. You say, the more 82 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: you dug into your story, the more many puzzling aspects 83 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: of your life made sense. Your anxiety around PAP's mirrors 84 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: and all medical procedures, you're eating disorder, your difficulty and relationships. 85 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 1: It's like a sharper lens clicked into place, and now 86 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: you could see your own history with much greater clarity. 87 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: What I want to say to you is there is 88 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 1: so much liberation in this. It will never change what happened, 89 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:35,239 Speaker 1: but it will change your relationship to yourself. I'm hoping 90 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: that more self knowledge, more kindness to yourself, more compassion 91 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,800 Speaker 1: for that girl who went through something that became literally unspeakable. 92 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: All of this will be coming your way. I'm wishing 93 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: you peace as you move into the next chapter of 94 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,520 Speaker 1: your life. When I was twenty five, I felt old, 95 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: but from where I sit today, it is so so young. 96 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: You have a life ahead of you, filled with so 97 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 1: many possibilities. You no longer will be propelled by the 98 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: angst of not knowing. Knowledge is power, and you have 99 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: that now. This is a strange thing to say, perhaps, 100 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: but I'm happy for you.