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Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about

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Speaker 1: the choices we make and where they lead us. Today,

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Speaker 1: I want to share part two of my conversation with

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Speaker 1: my ex husband and co parenting partner, Peter Factionelli. If

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Speaker 1: you haven't listened to part one, you're going to want

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Speaker 1: to go back and do that, so you're all caught up.

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Speaker 1: The reason I wanted to continue this conversation about divorce

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Speaker 1: and co parenting is because it's an important conversation to have,

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Speaker 1: not only for me and Peter, but maybe for you

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Speaker 1: as well. I'm also going to want to break this

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Speaker 1: conversation down and kind of talk about how it affected

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Speaker 1: me and made me feel. So I am going to

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Speaker 1: be talking to Adele a little later on in this episode,

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Speaker 1: but let's do this. Let's dive back into my chat

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Speaker 1: with Peter.

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Speaker 2: I also feel like we were very codependent on each

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Speaker 2: other because we were so young that it was like

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Speaker 2: that we were all that we knew, you know what

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Speaker 2: I mean, So like I was co dependent on you

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Speaker 2: in an emotional way, you were co dependent on me

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Speaker 2: in an emotional ways, So you know it was I

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Speaker 2: think that that was not not the best.

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Speaker 1: Uh you know, what do you mean dependent? Like what

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Speaker 1: does that mean? Uh? Like that term for me is

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Speaker 1: kind of fifty to fifty codependent.

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Speaker 2: It was like like I said, I I what do

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Speaker 2: you want for dinner? I don't know, I didn't know

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Speaker 2: what what what? What choices to have? It was like, well,

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Speaker 2: what do you want for dinner? You know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: What do you where do you want to live? What

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Speaker 2: do I think? It was? It was maybe you didn't

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Speaker 2: see it as much because I was kind of living

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Speaker 2: your in your life, you know what I mean, Like

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Speaker 2: you have life that was established already, and I kind

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Speaker 2: of came into it and I kind of moved into

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Speaker 2: this established life. So for you, you're like, this is great.

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Speaker 2: I've got a husband and I've got dogs, and I've

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Speaker 2: got a house and this house now we have together

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Speaker 2: and I remember, you know, but it was like, you know,

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Speaker 2: I didn't really feel like I had many decisions within

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Speaker 2: that space. It was like how do I serve this

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Speaker 2: my wife.

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Speaker 1: And make her happy?

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Speaker 2: You know, because of a happy wife, happy life, right,

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Speaker 2: So You're like, how do.

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Speaker 3: I make her?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 2: She wants to go up to your ranch this weekend. Okay,

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Speaker 2: I'll go. Pardon me. Didn't really want to go, but

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Speaker 2: I was like, I'll just go and I'll drive and

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Speaker 2: i'll drive back and I'll you know, do this over here,

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Speaker 2: and I'll do this over there, and I'll plan the vacations.

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Speaker 2: Then I'll do this. I was like, you know, I

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Speaker 2: didn't have a lot of choices. It was just part

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Speaker 2: that I was felt like, you know, I was good

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Speaker 2: at playing, but I just didn't. I hadn't formed me yet,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So you had already formed you,

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Speaker 2: so like there was a codependency there in the sense

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Speaker 2: of like I don't know, I don't know what choices,

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Speaker 2: what I liked, what I don't like, I don't know

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Speaker 2: what I like, you know, Like I said, it was

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Speaker 2: really interesting when we broke up because it was like,

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Speaker 2: I don't know what my my likes and dislikes are,

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Speaker 2: Like I have to kind of rediscover who I am.

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Speaker 2: And you probably had to do that too.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of you that was like, you know,

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Speaker 2: now you're an independent person, and then you have these

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Speaker 2: two independent figures that are like, Okay, I'm kind of

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Speaker 2: figuring out what I like and I'm like, I'm figuring

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Speaker 2: out what I like. And then well, now we got

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Speaker 2: to come together to co parent, you know, and so

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Speaker 2: some of that independence is like, well, no, I want

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Speaker 2: to hold on to this, you know, this is how

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Speaker 2: I want to do parent, and this is You're like,

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Speaker 2: this is how I.

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Speaker 1: Want to parent, you know.

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Speaker 2: And so then the problems are I was there because

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Speaker 2: it was like we were so used to like just

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Speaker 2: kind of servicing each other within this relationship. But we

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Speaker 2: were kids, you know, So yeah, I mean it's just, uh,

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Speaker 2: it was. It was. There were good times and there

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Speaker 2: were bad times, but we got we got through these.

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Speaker 2: Even the bad times we got through in the sense

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Speaker 2: of like our kids always came out of it. And

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Speaker 2: so even you know, like I said before, it's not

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Speaker 2: fun being uncomfortable, but uncomfortable is kind of where you grow.

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Speaker 2: And and so there's a lot of times of uncomfortability

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Speaker 2: for both of us too, and we were growing. You know.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about briefly, like step parents bringing in another

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Speaker 1: person to the mix. We did that, not initially. Neither

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Speaker 1: of us got married right away, but we both had

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Speaker 1: a few relationships left and right, and the girls would

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Speaker 1: get close, i know, with with from my perspective, your

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Speaker 1: relationship after we were demorse, the girls got close with

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Speaker 1: your then girlfriend, and that was very very, very very

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Speaker 1: difficult for me. I wondered how you felt when another

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Speaker 1: guy came in. I don't think I ever was really

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Speaker 1: serious with anybody until Dave.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I mean it was a catch showing too, because like

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Speaker 2: I had a longer term person there that was getting

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Speaker 2: close to them, and so that was hard to watch

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Speaker 2: them go through that have another person leave. You know

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Speaker 2: that I couldn't, you know, I had nothing that I

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Speaker 2: could that I could do to help that or not

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Speaker 2: have that happen. It was just it's what happened. And

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Speaker 2: I felt bad having them be an effect of that

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Speaker 2: because I was with that person for a few years.

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Speaker 2: And then on your side, you were you were having

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Speaker 2: people come into their lives and then kind of you know,

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Speaker 2: leaving in short spurts, you know what I mean. I know,

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Speaker 2: like they would go on vacation with the guy and

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Speaker 2: then kind of get to know him, and then you

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Speaker 2: would move on to somebody else, and it was you

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Speaker 2: kind of you know dating, uh, and you're like, I

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Speaker 2: think this person is safe enough to introduce them and

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Speaker 2: then and then they would so they had these shorter

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Speaker 2: amounts of like this guy that they would get to know.

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Speaker 2: And for me, it was like I just kind of

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Speaker 2: had to trust you, you know, I had to go, Okay,

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Speaker 2: well she trusts this person, then I have to trust them,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I was never I never

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Speaker 2: felt jealous of another person coming in because I always

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Speaker 2: felt that the more love that the kids had, the

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Speaker 2: the better. Yeah. I mean, so you know, I was

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Speaker 2: never enough competition to go, well, I'm the dad here.

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Speaker 2: I think that it was harder on you for that

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Speaker 2: being the mom, you know, watching another person come in.

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Speaker 2: But for me, I was like, you know, when Dave

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Speaker 2: came in, I was like, he's a wonderful guy, and

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Speaker 2: like I'm and the kids really enjoyed being with him,

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Speaker 2: and and so it made me smile that he had

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Speaker 2: they had another person that loved them so much, you know.

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Speaker 2: And I think that they're incredibly lucky to have. You know,

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Speaker 2: they have a stepmom now in my current partner, Lily,

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Speaker 2: and and they have Dave, and like they have these

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Speaker 2: That's why, like I don't look at it like it's

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Speaker 2: a burden that they have to carry for the rest

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Speaker 2: of their lives of this divorce. I really look at it, like, Wow,

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Speaker 2: there's they're incredibly fortunate to have had now these stepparents

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Speaker 2: that that they've gotten to know, that that have added

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Speaker 2: to their personalities, that have that they've grown through them

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Speaker 2: as well, you know. And and then I also think

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Speaker 2: that they're going to be lucky that they can look

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Speaker 2: to your relationship with Dave and and and you know,

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Speaker 2: get inspired by the love there. And they can look

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Speaker 2: at the relationship between me and my partner and get

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Speaker 2: inspired by that relationship, you know. And I know you've had,

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Speaker 2: you know, your things with Dave, and they've watched you

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Speaker 2: come out the other side and grow through that. And

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Speaker 2: and so I maybe maybe that's why there's they're so

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Speaker 2: great because we kind of had a lot of mistakes

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Speaker 2: happen we were growing up, we were growing up, and

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Speaker 2: they were kind of learning from our mistakes in some ways.

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Speaker 2: And uh, but I but I don't think that there's

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Speaker 2: any any perfect parenting textbook model. I mean even now,

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Speaker 2: like I'm a new dad, you know, I have a

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Speaker 2: twenty month old, and like people are like, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: you have three kids, you must be a pro at it.

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Speaker 2: Now I'm like no. I it's like every kid is

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Speaker 2: so different and they they require different things, and then

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Speaker 2: the game keeps changing because like, you know, things that

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Speaker 2: I did with my kids are like, oh, don't do

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Speaker 2: that now.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: I remember when when when Jack was younger and I

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Speaker 2: went to go take a nap with him, I used

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Speaker 2: to take naps with like Luca Bella on my chest,

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Speaker 2: like outside on the swing like like this.

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Speaker 1: You know you can't do that now.

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Speaker 2: No, They're like, you know, don't don't take a nap

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Speaker 2: with your child and your chest. They could suffocate them.

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Speaker 2: Like really I used to do that with look them.

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Speaker 2: It's like, uh, well that's just you know, no seriously,

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Speaker 2: Like there's studies now that a lot of parents I

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Speaker 2: guess would fall asleep and their kid would get I

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Speaker 2: don't know, suffocate, So like you can't, Yeah, you can't

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Speaker 2: do that now. It's like all new rules. There was.

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Speaker 2: What's the other one is? Oh uh, you know when

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Speaker 2: we were parenting, you know, our kids, we were like

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Speaker 2: every time they did something wonderful, You're like, oh, I'm

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Speaker 2: so proud of you.

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Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you.

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Speaker 2: And I was like as a parent, having parents that

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Speaker 2: you know, on the other spectrum like kind of left

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Speaker 2: me to do my thing, and if I got a

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Speaker 2: ninety nine, my mom would be like, oh, well that's great,

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Speaker 2: get a hundred next time, which maybe more of a

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Speaker 2: perfectionist if anything. But like now they're like, don't say

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Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you to your kid.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, real, wait why.

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Speaker 2: Because if you say I'm so proud of you for

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Speaker 2: what they do, then they're looking outside sources for for like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm getting these grades for you, so I feel good

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Speaker 2: from the outside, right. So there, So there's all these

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Speaker 2: articles now that like you're supposed to say to your kid, well,

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Speaker 2: how do you feel about that? Are you proud of yourself? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: well that's so wonderful. I'm so happy that you're proud

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Speaker 2: of the work that you did. And so like, look

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Speaker 2: at that.

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Speaker 1: I just learned something.

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Speaker 2: Yeah you look at that, and I'm like, well, I

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Speaker 2: thought I knew these answers, and you know, in five

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Speaker 2: ten years that might be like, no, you're supposed to

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Speaker 2: say you're proud of them. You're like, wait to say it,

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Speaker 2: But I get that. I get that, Like, Okay, if

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Speaker 2: you keep telling them you're proud of them, then they're

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Speaker 2: going to always do something to please the parent, and

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Speaker 2: then they become people pleasers, right, and yeah, it makes sense.

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Speaker 2: So then you're just like, okay, so I'll make sure

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Speaker 2: that they know that they're doing that work, that artwork

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Speaker 2: is something that they should be proud of. Because if

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Speaker 2: you self generate that you're proud of your work, then

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Speaker 2: you don't need any outside forces to tell you it's good.

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Speaker 2: And that's kind of an interesting model.

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Speaker 1: So, I mean, can you imagine if we hadn't learned

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Speaker 1: if we knew the things now that we if we

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Speaker 1: knew that then as parents, Yeah, I wonder how different things.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know, but again, I feel

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Speaker 2: like we did something right.

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Speaker 1: I asked you the question about, like, you know, what

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Speaker 1: do you think co parenting is? And I just kind

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Speaker 1: of want to answer it for myself that it's about

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Speaker 1: respect for the partner, the baby partner ultimately in that

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Speaker 1: communication that comes from that place of respect, which was

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Speaker 1: something we were definitely challenged on. I think that I

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Speaker 1: was very in tune with keeping their childhoods alive even

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Speaker 1: though their lives had changed so much. That's very challenging,

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Speaker 1: especially when they're going back and forth between two different homes.

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Speaker 1: You talked about the girls having to pack a bag.

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Speaker 1: That for me was one of the most heart wrenching

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Speaker 1: parts of it was because I would go try to

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Speaker 1: help them pack or you know, say, would you like

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Speaker 1: me to help you in the Fiona specifically would be like, no,

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Speaker 1: to do it myself, and it would rip my heart

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Speaker 1: out because I felt responsible for her having to pack

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Speaker 1: a bag every week like a like be so unsettled,

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Speaker 1: you know. I felt like it's my fault, our fault

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Speaker 1: that they have to do this, and it's unfortunate, you know.

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Speaker 1: I feel like, Oh, my kid's living out of a suitcase.

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Speaker 1: And just when she would go to your house and

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Speaker 1: get settled in and comfortable and that you would get

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Speaker 1: the pace going and you guys would start getting on

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Speaker 1: the same page and everybody would be happy. Then, like

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Speaker 1: you said, it would be time for them to come

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Speaker 1: to my house, and then there was that whole different

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Speaker 1: readjustment period. I think so that all plays into the

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Speaker 1: respect not just for you, but for them and also

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Speaker 1: for me. I I think it's probably was really hard

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Speaker 1: for them to understand why because they never saw us fight.

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Speaker 1: They never they never understood why we broke up, and

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Speaker 1: I also still don't know that they do, but I

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Speaker 1: feel like they get it in a different way now.

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Speaker 1: But for me, it was remind remembering to remind them

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Speaker 1: that they came from a place of love, like they

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Speaker 1: were born into love, and you know, because they can

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Speaker 1: take on the feelings of why it didn't work or

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Speaker 1: why my family's not together anymore. So those are some

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Speaker 1: of the most important parts of co parenting for me.

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Speaker 1: I would ask you, though, what is it that you

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Speaker 1: love the most about being a co parent with me?

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think, like I said, even when we

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Speaker 2: didn't agree on things, and even sometimes when, like you know,

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Speaker 2: we text back and forth and we knew how to

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Speaker 2: press each other's buttons too. Oh right now, yeah, I

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Speaker 2: want to know you already did with the plant attacking me.

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Speaker 2: I know you did that on purpose. But you know,

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Speaker 2: I really see sometimes a lot of you and our

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Speaker 2: kids and it makes me smile, It really does. Like

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Speaker 2: and the things that they do and the way they

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Speaker 2: handle themselves. I think you're an incredibly strong woman. I

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Speaker 2: think the kids see you as a strong woman. I

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Speaker 2: think that you know there's a there's an inner strength

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Speaker 2: that they carry because of that, and so you know,

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Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of wonderful things that you

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Speaker 2: modeled for them and and and you know, teaching them.

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Speaker 2: And I'm appreciative of that, you know. Uh, And I'm

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Speaker 2: very appreciative that I had a co parent that that

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Speaker 2: cared so much. I think that both of us cared

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Speaker 2: sometimes so much that we were like, no, this is

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Speaker 2: the way we have to do it. This is the

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Speaker 2: way we have to do it. And it was hard

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Speaker 2: to find the you know, the right way or the

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Speaker 2: way that you know, the middle ground on that and frustrating,

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Speaker 2: I'm sure for both for you and me, it was

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Speaker 2: just like wow, how because because even when we saw

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Speaker 2: each other's points, it was like okay, but it becomes

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Speaker 2: so important to go to each other that if if

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Speaker 2: it's if they're not parented this way, then something. And

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Speaker 2: that's where I say that they're resilient because like you know,

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Speaker 2: they're whatever we decide the ultimate goal, Uh, they're gonna

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Speaker 2: be okay. And they were and they they're so wonderful.

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Speaker 2: So like, you know, I'm appreciative that I have Mother's

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Speaker 2: Day was recently and I remember thinking you on Mother's

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Speaker 2: Day and thinking, well, you know, she she was so

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Speaker 2: wonderfully there and available all the time. Like, uh, for me,

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Speaker 2: I was on the other opposite of special. So I

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Speaker 2: was always there, but I let them kind of be

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Speaker 2: you know, uh, and you were always there, but you

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Speaker 2: were like making sure that they you know, we're like

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Speaker 2: very protective and it's like in a way that was

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Speaker 2: very loving. So yeah, I think that the balance of that,

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Speaker 2: you know, like like when I said I had it

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Speaker 2: on one extreme, you had it in the other extreme.

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Speaker 2: In some weird way, having it on both, you know,

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Speaker 2: one weekend be this and one weekend be that, they

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Speaker 2: kind of grew to this middle middle ground of that.

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Speaker 2: You know, maybe maybe that's what worked. Maybe we didn't

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Speaker 2: know what we're doing in that sense and it kind

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Speaker 2: of came together. But the proof is in the pudding,

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Speaker 2: that's right.

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Speaker 1: The proof is, yes, I got that one.

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Speaker 2: I grew up with Italian immigrants for parents, so like

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Speaker 2: sometimes I get words backwards.

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Speaker 1: You mix things up, phrasing raising, which always makes you laugh. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think we did. Okay, thank you for talking it out.

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Speaker 2: Thanks for I feel like this was wonderful. Actually, I

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Speaker 2: coming into it, I was like, I think this is

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Speaker 2: gonna be really wonderfully healing for us, because we never

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Speaker 2: really sat down and talked about our styles of parent

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Speaker 2: thing or you know, where we were coming from. It

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Speaker 2: was always like I think should do this, I think

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Speaker 2: we do that, and I don't agree, and I do agree.

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Speaker 2: And then there were times we were like, oh, we

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Speaker 2: got to sit down, you know, come together on this

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Speaker 2: because this is a big one. And we did, you

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Speaker 2: know a lot of times. Yeah, when we were always

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Speaker 2: we had each other's backs. Yeah, you know, there there

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Speaker 2: was a mostly like smaller things we'd argue about, but

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Speaker 2: the bigger things were like, no, this is this is

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Speaker 2: a big one. But that said, like I know we're

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Speaker 2: coming out at the other end of it, but like

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Speaker 2: I'm excited to continue co parenting we have, you know,

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Speaker 2: now we get to co parent adult we're done. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: well I don't think you're ever done, as apparently you're

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Speaker 2: We're always going to be each other's lives. It grows

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Speaker 2: into adult parenting, you know, and a lot of times now,

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Speaker 2: you know, I can go to the kids and be

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Speaker 2: like what are you feeling? You know, but we do

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Speaker 2: still check in with each other, and I think if

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Speaker 2: we took anything out of this, we should communicate more,

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Speaker 2: you know, by phone on any of the issues.

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Speaker 1: So, yeah, that's going to be a problem. Oh Okay,

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Speaker 1: there is a lot too unpack with this conversation, so

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Speaker 1: I'm going to need to bring in my friend and

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Speaker 1: our therapist, Adele to talk through some of this with me. Hi, Hi,

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Speaker 1: can you believe what just happened?

350
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Speaker 3: I can, and I can't. It was kind of epic

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Speaker 3: that you guys did that. I feel incredibly proud of

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Speaker 3: both of you and so happy that you did it.

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Speaker 3: But I'm still kind of reeling, So you must be

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Speaker 3: just like, how are you feeling?

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Speaker 1: You know, after we completed the interview or the conversation

356
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Speaker 1: or whatever you want to call it, I felt unsettled, honestly,

357
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Speaker 1: Like revisiting those things and even just sitting with him

358
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Speaker 1: and talking one on one with him was different because

359
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Speaker 1: we don't really do anything that's not just about the girls. Logistically.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I wondered about that, Like sitting on a couch

361
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Speaker 3: with him in a room, just the two of you,

362
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Speaker 3: eye contact and really processing what you went through.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was weird. I felt a little spinny the

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Speaker 1: whole rest of the day, spinny and exhaust It kind

365
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Speaker 1: of took it out of me.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, I noticed at one point you got a

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Speaker 3: little emotional, and do you remember when it was? It

368
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Speaker 3: was that moment that you took responsibility, which I have

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Speaker 3: to say was kind of my favorite thing about the

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Speaker 3: whole interview is both of you were in a place

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Speaker 3: where you could see your part more clearly. And I

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Speaker 3: heard you start to talk about the times when you

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Speaker 3: were sharing custody and that you understand that you had

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Speaker 3: operated from a selfish place and you wish you hadn't,

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Speaker 3: And I heard a catch in your throat.

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Speaker 1: I think, I know that it's natural, you know, instinctual

377
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Speaker 1: survival to operate from a place of selfishness in that

378
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Speaker 1: situation that we were, that I was in that, you know,

379
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Speaker 1: And I think they're going to always be emotions around

380
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Speaker 1: that that time of my life, you know, because it was, Yeah,

381
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Speaker 1: it was defining. And I think that I don't know

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Speaker 1: that I've ever really told him like, yeah, I could

383
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Speaker 1: have done things better, I could have done things differently

384
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Speaker 1: if I had known than what I know now, or

385
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Speaker 1: if I was at a calmer, just emotional place, I

386
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Speaker 1: could have been better. But there was a lot of

387
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Speaker 1: wheat from yea, And I know that's probably me hearing

388
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Speaker 1: it through my What do we used to say through

389
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Speaker 1: my little red wagon? Remember that?

390
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,119
Speaker 3: Yeah? Or you're you're funneling it through Yeah, it's your

391
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Speaker 3: little red wagon.

392
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Speaker 1: Wait, explain the little red wagon for a second.

393
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Speaker 3: Well, I mean the way I understand little red wagon

394
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Speaker 3: is that's your deal and your issue and your problem,

395
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Speaker 3: and you figure it out. Don't don't bring me into it,

396
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Speaker 3: don't put me on it, don't project me.

397
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Speaker 1: I had I had a therapist once. Not you tell

398
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Speaker 1: me that we all carry around, we all pull around

399
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Speaker 1: our little red wagon behind us, and it's full of

400
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Speaker 1: all of our shit. It's it's our.

401
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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's our history. I guess I mean that probably

402
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,400
Speaker 3: that therapist meant it. I use a little bit differently,

403
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,760
Speaker 3: but that therapists probably meant like, that's your red wagon,

404
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 3: it's in your history, you know. And there's this great

405
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Speaker 3: saying if it's hysterical, it's historical. So you know, if

406
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:53,800
Speaker 3: you're if your emotions are way up, if you're being

407
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Speaker 3: super reactive, you want to check yourself and be like,

408
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Speaker 3: am I am I? Is this historical? Is this really about? It?

409
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Speaker 2: Was?

410
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Speaker 1: It was hysterical, so I'm pretty sure it was historical.

411
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Speaker 3: Back in the day, I wasn't hysterical.

412
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Speaker 1: Recent No, No, I felt very calm, very centered, and

413
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Speaker 1: we talked about things that we've never discussed until now.

414
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Speaker 3: That's exactly what I was just going to say. It's

415
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Speaker 3: you've never discussed those things. You've never really owned those

416
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Speaker 3: things with him, which I think was a beautiful thing

417
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Speaker 3: for you to do and a gift to give to him.

418
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Speaker 3: But I will say I want to say a couple

419
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Speaker 3: of things that I got that I heard from Peter,

420
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Speaker 3: that I heard that he has grown up too, the

421
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,720
Speaker 3: way he understood both of your family dynamics. Write what

422
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,560
Speaker 3: was modeled for you, right, how Bruno was with talking

423
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Speaker 3: about his dad working all the time, and how he

424
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:50,760
Speaker 3: took that as a model and a q with your

425
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:56,679
Speaker 3: kids to speak well of you and highly of you

426
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Speaker 3: even during the hard times and to kind of protect

427
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Speaker 3: them from that. And I thought, you know what he does.

428
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 3: He is thinking in sort of family lessons and multi

429
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,560
Speaker 3: generational transmission. You know, he's kind of thinking in those

430
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,360
Speaker 3: ways he's thought about this.

431
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's true, because you have to be able

432
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Speaker 1: to step outside of yourself enough to see that picture

433
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Speaker 1: of why I am the way I am and why

434
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 1: he is the way he is, and then why we

435
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,760
Speaker 1: were the way we were.

436
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I love the story you told about being

437
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 3: at their house and queens, and like you know, he

438
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,159
Speaker 3: was saying, I just one thing I would disagree with

439
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,800
Speaker 3: him about is he kept saying, well, I just chose

440
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 3: to be strong. And I kept thinking, every time I

441
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,439
Speaker 3: heard him say that, I wanted to say, strong is

442
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 3: not an asset. Being emotional is actually a very strong thing.

443
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,320
Speaker 3: And when you talked about going to the back room

444
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,760
Speaker 3: and Bruna followed you in and said, don't cry, don't cry,

445
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,879
Speaker 3: and he said, oh, no, I need to cry, and

446
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 3: I was so proud of you because I thought that

447
00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 3: is an evolved Jenny. That is a very emotionally intelligent Jenny.

448
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,680
Speaker 3: Because vulnerability is strength.

449
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, And some people just can't handle emotions. Yeah, Like

450
00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 1: when they see someone having emotions, they shut down or

451
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 1: they fly, flee whatever that they freeze, they fight, fight, flight, freeze. Yeah.

452
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,920
Speaker 1: And so I ran into that on a couple of

453
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:30,720
Speaker 1: occasions with his beautiful our beautiful family, my extended family

454
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:35,120
Speaker 1: whom I grew to love so much. And I think

455
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 1: that that was you know, I'm sure so many women

456
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: or men that's something when you get a divorce and

457
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 1: you split up families that have been together and grown

458
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,479
Speaker 1: together for a long time. It's so hard to let

459
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,920
Speaker 1: go of you're in laws or you're you know, my

460
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,679
Speaker 1: my sisters that I had, And for a while I

461
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: really did have to just let them go and cut

462
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,159
Speaker 1: them off and know that that wasn't an option for

463
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:03,720
Speaker 1: me anymore to have any feelings around. But later, as

464
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: time passed, now we're all able to see each other

465
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,520
Speaker 1: and go to, you know, have dinners together. And I

466
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 1: love being able to be back with my in laws again,

467
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: even though they're not my in laws, they're just acquaintances

468
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:21,120
Speaker 1: friends now.

469
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,200
Speaker 3: But it's a healing story what happened between you, because

470
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,200
Speaker 3: when you divorce, you don't just lose a spouse, right,

471
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 3: you lose an extended family and the loss reverberates. So

472
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,200
Speaker 3: I love hearing you say that that you know, yes,

473
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:47,159
Speaker 3: time heals, and you both have come to a place

474
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 3: where not only have you restitched together some of those relationships,

475
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:58,160
Speaker 3: you've also added people to the extended and blended family.

476
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:01,120
Speaker 3: And I really heard that Peter too, which I loved

477
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,199
Speaker 3: hearing him say, you know, he sees and knows that

478
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 3: you're happy now. And that you know, Dave is wonderful,

479
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:11,119
Speaker 3: and that the girls have integrated both families into a

480
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 3: large extended family. I mean, it's a healing story. This

481
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 3: whole thing as hard as I'm sure.

482
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't want to give anybody the misconception that

483
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 1: it was easy or it was quick or without a

484
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:28,400
Speaker 1: lot of pain, but we somehow got there. And I'm

485
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: getting emotional again, like you know, like that that was

486
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: a really hard time. And it wasn't just hard for me.

487
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:39,879
Speaker 1: It was really hard for the girls, and it was

488
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 1: really hard for Peter.

489
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:44,120
Speaker 3: And for me for you seeing you in so much pain.

490
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,879
Speaker 3: It was so so painful, and I think it was

491
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,120
Speaker 3: one of the hardest breakups I've ever gone through.

492
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 1: And I think today I was able to a little

493
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,440
Speaker 1: bit see because I, you know, in my story, as

494
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:02,720
Speaker 1: Peter mentioned, I didn't feel that he was that broken

495
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 1: up by it, Like I didn't. I knew he was

496
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,879
Speaker 1: bummed about losing our family, but I never and I

497
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 1: don't know that I still feel that he was torn

498
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 1: up about losing me. I feel like it was more

499
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,920
Speaker 1: the family. But I thought I saw at least him

500
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,399
Speaker 1: acknowledging the pain that he did go through and that

501
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 1: he had to work through. Yeah.

502
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 3: I know he was in a lot of pain because

503
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,199
Speaker 3: he called me a lot during that time. And I

504
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 3: didn't always share it with you because you know, he

505
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 3: asked me not to, but he needed to kind of

506
00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:38,560
Speaker 3: talk through stuff. But he was deeply broken up.

507
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: How long ago was this even like we divorced in

508
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: twenty twelve, needs yeah, a long time ago. Yeah, And

509
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,159
Speaker 1: I can still get like upset.

510
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,640
Speaker 3: But it's in your body. It was a trauma, right

511
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 3: for everybody involved. And if you really go back there

512
00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:01,640
Speaker 3: and you just really went back there with him, right,

513
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 3: and you're and you're kicking it up, but that's good. See.

514
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,159
Speaker 3: And this is the other growth that I see in you,

515
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,080
Speaker 3: is that you would sort of want to cancel it

516
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,359
Speaker 3: out and not deal with what just happened. And you're

517
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 3: feeling it and it's okay, right again, you're healing.

518
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:17,879
Speaker 1: This is more he I don't really want to feel it?

519
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 3: Can I just letting yourself?

520
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:22,400
Speaker 2: Yeah?

521
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,399
Speaker 3: And then also we can like we don't have to

522
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,600
Speaker 3: keep going deep either. But I'm proud of you for

523
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 3: feeling the depth of it and the vulnerability of it

524
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 3: and the loss of it, and also the beauty again

525
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:46,840
Speaker 3: of where you are today as a blended extended family. Yeah,

526
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:51,720
Speaker 3: I wondered. Also, uh, you know, towards the end he

527
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 3: he said, you know, I think you asked him? What

528
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 3: did what did you? What positive things have come out

529
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:57,240
Speaker 3: of our cope?

530
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 1: I asked him, I was being cheeky and I asked him,

531
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 1: what was your favorite part about being a co parent

532
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 1: with me?

533
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 3: Oh?

534
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: Of course, I was like so excited to hear his answer.

535
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 3: But do you remember what he said? Well?

536
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 1: He first, he kind of chuckled because he knows me

537
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: and he knows that I was trying to get a

538
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,760
Speaker 1: compliment out of him. But he did what did I do?

539
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:20,080
Speaker 3: Right?

540
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:27,479
Speaker 1: Tell me more? He did say that he respects and

541
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 1: values the fact that I instilled a great strength in

542
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 1: our girls, and that that made me.

543
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 3: Feel I could take that in.

544
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I was also thinking that

545
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 1: right there is the strength is the way the reason

546
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 1: we couldn't stay together like you. And I'm not saying

547
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 1: like his current partner is not strong. We're just different strong, right,

548
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 1: but my kind of strong didn't gell you know after

549
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:57,360
Speaker 1: a while, and that's maybe.

550
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 3: Well and he said why, he said, I didn't have

551
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 3: a backbone. I didn't have an identity. I didn't have

552
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 3: a barely had a personality. I was he was twenty one.

553
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:06,360
Speaker 3: I fell with it.

554
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:10,840
Speaker 1: I totally see that, Like when you you just become

555
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: something all of a sudden that you didn't see coming

556
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 1: and it takes over your life, which our children absolutely

557
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: did and our family and everything changed. But at the

558
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: same time, I was like, why couldn't you have told

559
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,680
Speaker 1: me that? Like, why couldn't you have communicated that to

560
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 1: me during that time? And and perhaps we could have

561
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:38,240
Speaker 1: grown forward together and found our voices individually. But I

562
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 1: ultimately think that's what did happen, is that we did

563
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: start to become more of our of our own, more

564
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: assured in who we were, and it just wasn't matching up.

565
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:51,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, And who knows if you could have heard it, Yeah,

566
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 3: who knows if he could have said to you, like,

567
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 3: I don't feel like I know myself in this relationship.

568
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 3: That might have felt threatening to you at that time

569
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 3: in a way that it wouldn't at this age.

570
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 1: It definitely would. That is a little triggering. Yeah, I

571
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: don't I can't find myself in this relationship.

572
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,239
Speaker 3: You would have taken it as if somehow you had

573
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 3: done that to him is.

574
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,600
Speaker 1: My absolutely because he explained it like he stepped into

575
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 1: my big giant life, moved into my house, you know,

576
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 1: and all those all those cards were sort of stacked

577
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 1: against us in those traditional aspects. Yeah, I mean he

578
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:30,520
Speaker 1: is a traditional guy.

579
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 3: Well in some ways, he's incredibly traditional Italian Catholic family.

580
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 3: Everybody eats dinner together every night. One thing I kind

581
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 3: of wish I had heard from him, and I think

582
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:43,920
Speaker 3: it's in line with what we're talking about right now,

583
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,360
Speaker 3: is that you know, he kept he said a couple

584
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 3: times it felt like an arranged marriage or you know,

585
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:52,120
Speaker 3: he didn't have I couldn't find his voice in the marriage.

586
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 3: He was kind of on the edge of talking about

587
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 3: it as but he wasn't owning it. He wasn't saying

588
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 3: I understand that was my respetility. I understand that it

589
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 3: was my job to find myself that it wasn't because

590
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 3: he kept saying, well, you had your life and you

591
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 3: had your job, and you knew who you were, and

592
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 3: he did when he talked about being codependent, he was

593
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 3: getting there, but he could never quite say I understand

594
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:23,239
Speaker 3: now that it was my responsibility to ask for that

595
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,480
Speaker 3: to work towards that dig deep to you know, try

596
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 3: to find myself inside.

597
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: I just don't think at that young age, for both

598
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: of us, we had the capacity or the knowledge or

599
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:39,560
Speaker 1: the tools to do any of that, and we were

600
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: so busy raising those kids that there wasn't a lot

601
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: of opportunity for that kind of gross that really needed

602
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,040
Speaker 1: to happen.

603
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think you kind of nailed it right

604
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,160
Speaker 3: there is that part of this whole show that you're

605
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 3: doing around I Choose Me is tuning in slowing down,

606
00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 3: even if you're twenty one, even if you're twenty five,

607
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 3: even if you have a big career, even if you

608
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 3: have three kids, right, because that's exactly what we're talking about,

609
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,640
Speaker 3: is maybe you could have you know, or maybe you

610
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:16,120
Speaker 3: can impart that to people that are listening that it's

611
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 3: not too late. In fact, you can start early choosing

612
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 3: yourself so you know who you are, you know what

613
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 3: you're bringing to a relationship, you can see what you

614
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 3: want for dinner, what kind of furniture you want in

615
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 3: the house. Just building on what Peter said in the podcast,

616
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,520
Speaker 3: it's never too early to start, That's what I'm saying.

617
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, you just imparted that so thank you. I

618
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: hope people heard that, and I do definitely try to, like,

619
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,920
Speaker 1: you know, tell the girls that now. I think, Wow,

620
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,360
Speaker 1: they're so far ahead of the game because they have

621
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:52,800
Speaker 1: these messages and they have, you know, someone who's really

622
00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: interested in helping them evolve earlier than I did, because

623
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 1: I know for me, it took me a long time

624
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:03,560
Speaker 1: to get there, and there was so much pain in

625
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 1: those years, those early years of me not knowing that

626
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:12,160
Speaker 1: I could choose myself, and then also not knowing that

627
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:15,839
Speaker 1: just because I'm choosing myself, it doesn't mean I'm not

628
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,760
Speaker 1: choosing the marriage or the partnership or the whatever.

629
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 3: In fact, you are actually, by choosing yourself, choosing the

630
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,000
Speaker 3: marriage and the partnership.

631
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 1: Right hopefully usually, Yeah.

632
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,479
Speaker 3: Entirely evidenced in the conversation you just had with Peter,

633
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 3: because he's saying I didn't choose myself. I lost my

634
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 3: way in this marriage and I ended up having to

635
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,040
Speaker 3: leave to find myself. So what we're saying is that, yeah,

636
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,840
Speaker 3: if you choose yourself, you find yourself.

637
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,799
Speaker 1: I always knew that, you know, I always knew that

638
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,879
Speaker 1: that he didn't have enough of a sense of who

639
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 1: he was independent of me or independent of the girls,

640
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,960
Speaker 1: and I knew he was trying to figure that out,

641
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:58,760
Speaker 1: and I just I don't think I was gracious enough

642
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 1: or you know, maybe patient enough or encouraging enough to

643
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:07,359
Speaker 1: let him do what he really need to do in

644
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 1: his early twenties, mid twenties.

645
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, So this brings me to a question. Makes

646
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,240
Speaker 3: me think about Dave, and it makes me think about

647
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:21,759
Speaker 3: what you may have learned out of that conversation in

648
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:25,600
Speaker 3: terms of the partner that you are today with the

649
00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 3: husband that you have today. Is there anything any takeaways

650
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 3: for you or do you feel like you're enacting the

651
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:33,920
Speaker 3: things you wish you had done with Peter.

652
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,759
Speaker 1: Well, I think that it just I'm not throwing any

653
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:42,040
Speaker 1: shade whatsoever, but I think that in my current relationship,

654
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: I'm able to express my own needs and wants and

655
00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: dislikes and likes without my partner being threatened by it

656
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,239
Speaker 1: or angered by it or disappointed, you know all that,

657
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 1: you know, any kind of negative reaction. I think that

658
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:03,760
Speaker 1: it's just a different dynamic because, yeah, I have grown

659
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 1: and I have learned things, and I have changed some things,

660
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,800
Speaker 1: but I'm still me. I'm still very straightforward, I'm still

661
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 1: very direct, I'm still there's still times when I absolutely

662
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 1: could say things a little bit kinder or nicer or

663
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:23,240
Speaker 1: more patient. I mean, we all lose our sometimes, we all,

664
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:26,640
Speaker 1: you know, go go back to those places, those ruts

665
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:34,200
Speaker 1: of the way we react. But I I also now

666
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,960
Speaker 1: treat myself a little bit more graciously, Like I allow

667
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,400
Speaker 1: myself to make mistakes sometimes, and Dave allows me to

668
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,480
Speaker 1: make some mistakes sometimes and we kind of talk about

669
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 1: it and work through it, and you know, hopefully that

670
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:52,959
Speaker 1: continues to change the trajectory of things. But I feel

671
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: like it's just a different dynamic, and it's it's so

672
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 1: two different people, you know, Dave and Peter are such

673
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:00,120
Speaker 1: different people.

674
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:05,240
Speaker 3: Different ages. Yeah, right, Dave's you know, in his forties now. Also,

675
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 3: I would say that you have awareness now that you

676
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 3: didn't used to have, So you catch yourself right, and

677
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 3: you're pretty quick to you know. It's kind of like

678
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,520
Speaker 3: the five second rule with food. You have your five

679
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 3: second rule of like if you might if something comes

680
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 3: up and out kind of quick, you'll be like, hey,

681
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 3: I just did that thing right. You're you're much more

682
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,960
Speaker 3: aware and more transparent, and that creates a lot more

683
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 3: space in a relationship.

684
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:34,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, like when you make a mess, When I make

685
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 1: a mess, it's important to me to go back and

686
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 1: clean it up. Yeah.

687
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 3: I love that.

688
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,000
Speaker 1: So this kind of felt like cleaning up a mess

689
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:44,439
Speaker 1: a little bit in a certain way.

690
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel like a closure is not

691
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 3: the right word, But do you feel a little more

692
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 3: complete or a little bit more integrated with this story? Now?

693
00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:00,440
Speaker 1: I do. I had known that we were getting to

694
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 1: the point where we could respect one another's differences, and

695
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 1: it was feeling better and more cohesive. But it was

696
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:12,800
Speaker 1: nice to verbalize it, you know, and and hear him

697
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:17,520
Speaker 1: be in the same position you said before that you

698
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 1: had there was something that you had wished you had

699
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:22,880
Speaker 1: heard him say. Was there something that you had wished

700
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 1: you had heard me say?

701
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:26,839
Speaker 3: Oh?

702
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,600
Speaker 1: You know, I always like to like stop pointing the

703
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 1: finger and start yeah love it.

704
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's a good question. And I

705
00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:39,680
Speaker 3: was so proud of you, Jen, I was so proud

706
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 3: of you.

707
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,719
Speaker 1: You're biased though, you just love me too much?

708
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,520
Speaker 3: I mean no, but look, I am biased that you'll

709
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,799
Speaker 3: love you too much out but I do believe me

710
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 3: when you want to hear the truth, and I don't

711
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:55,279
Speaker 3: know no, In fact, I stopped listening to it, and

712
00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:59,280
Speaker 3: I thought, that is a grown up, Jenny. I felt

713
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 3: really proud of you and really happy for you. And

714
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 3: really I heard the work. I heard the work you've done.

715
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:10,440
Speaker 3: I heard the growth, I heard the evolution. I honestly

716
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,359
Speaker 3: can't I can't think of anything in the moment right

717
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:14,920
Speaker 3: now that I wish i'd heard.

718
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,279
Speaker 1: I left feeling like I wish I had said more,

719
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,719
Speaker 1: because there was a there was a cadence and and

720
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 1: a rhythm in our relationship together where he would do

721
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 1: all the talking and I would just resort to just

722
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:30,160
Speaker 1: listening and agreeing and you know, or being in my

723
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:35,439
Speaker 1: mind disagreeing and getting all irritated by that, but never

724
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:38,319
Speaker 1: really communicating it. And there were a couple of points

725
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: where I said, you know, I kind of disagree with

726
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 1: you on that, or I think we're talking about two

727
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:48,880
Speaker 1: different things. And I feel like right afterwards there was

728
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,320
Speaker 1: something ignited in me. It was like an old feeling

729
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 1: that came back of frustration and irritation that I wasn't

730
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:59,879
Speaker 1: getting to, you know, say what I needed to say,

731
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:05,719
Speaker 1: have my opinion. But again I had to let that

732
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:08,719
Speaker 1: go and not not really focus on that.

733
00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 3: You know, but you could also you don't have to

734
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 3: just like let it go and push it down or

735
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,600
Speaker 3: push it away. You can ask yourself, right, you can.

736
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 3: This is this kind of self parenting thing that we

737
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,440
Speaker 3: talk about. You can ask yourself, Okay, what was it

738
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:24,759
Speaker 3: that I wish I had said? And I'm gonna say

739
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,080
Speaker 3: it to myself and honor it, right, you don't have

740
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 3: to say it to him.

741
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,759
Speaker 1: And also just it's not about pushing it down, but

742
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: it's just about acknowledging it and just reminding myself that's

743
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,239
Speaker 1: not really that important.

744
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:40,280
Speaker 3: Right, So to acknowledging Okay, that's frustration, that's an old feeling,

745
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 3: it's not really current. And is there anything else I

746
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 3: need to do about it? Nope, I'm okay. I've just

747
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 3: acknowledged it and it's and it kind of dissipated.

748
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:53,040
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I really enjoyed our therapy session. Thank you

749
00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:54,799
Speaker 1: so much. Do you have any parting words for me?

750
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:59,760
Speaker 3: You know, it's so funny. I'm checking in with myself

751
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:03,720
Speaker 3: right now, like, am I having any feelings about how

752
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:08,759
Speaker 3: well you're doing? And how I You don't need me

753
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 3: as much as you as you used to, right, Like

754
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 3: you know you have all the answers within you, and

755
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,560
Speaker 3: you've been listening. And I don't mean that need me

756
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:20,240
Speaker 3: as a friend. I know where we'll always be friends.

757
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:24,960
Speaker 3: But you are answering your own questions right, and you

758
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,399
Speaker 3: are listening to what's coming up, and you're not saying

759
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 3: to me, what should I do in this moment? Or

760
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 3: I don't know how I feel?

761
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 1: I still text you and say what should I do?

762
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:40,800
Speaker 1: How do I handle this? But you're like a backup

763
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:43,840
Speaker 1: to my instinct because now I'm able to listen to

764
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: my gut and my instinct a lot more than I

765
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 1: ever was before.

766
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:50,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you'll always have that for me. So instead

767
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:54,040
Speaker 3: of me giving parting words or parting advice, what do

768
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:58,120
Speaker 3: you think as things might bubble up, as your daughters

769
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 3: might have questions about the conversation, or Dave might any

770
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 3: feelings at all, what do you think you might do

771
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 3: That sort of is under the guise of like an

772
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 3: I choose me moment or just processing those feelings or conversations.

773
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:14,960
Speaker 1: I mean, what comes to my mind immediately is that

774
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,239
Speaker 1: I'm just going to choose to listen to them and

775
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:23,320
Speaker 1: honor their perspective and respect it. You know, I can't

776
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:27,440
Speaker 1: change it, like anybody that has a reaction to our conversation.

777
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,880
Speaker 1: I can't change it or mold it into what I

778
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 1: want it to be. You just need to let people

779
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:36,920
Speaker 1: have their feelings.

780
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:42,600
Speaker 3: There's an inner piece and an inner confidence to that answer,

781
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 3: and I would apply it to your feelings too, right,

782
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,960
Speaker 3: not just your girls and your husband, but if feelings

783
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 3: come up for you, just listen.

784
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 1: It's just a feeling. Yeah, And I have another feeling,

785
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,759
Speaker 1: and it's that I really like your hair color right now,

786
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: So keep it that way.

787
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:08,359
Speaker 3: Okay, that's all you've got it. Thanks for having me on.

788
00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:09,040
Speaker 1: I love you.

789
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:13,480
Speaker 3: I love you, Bye bye bye bye.

790
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:18,919
Speaker 1: In closing, I want to just thank Adele one more

791
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,719
Speaker 1: time for helping me move through that, and thank you

792
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 1: Peter too for coming on and having this conversation with me.

793
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:31,040
Speaker 1: I just want to say I'm really proud of both

794
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 1: of us for having this sit down. I heard some

795
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 1: things that I think I really needed to hear. It

796
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: felt stirring and settling at the same time, and I

797
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:45,720
Speaker 1: really do love that Peter was so vulnerable and honest.

798
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:50,640
Speaker 1: Please know that having that conversation and having it publicly

799
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,480
Speaker 1: was a choice we both made to maybe help other

800
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:59,000
Speaker 1: people going through turbulent times of their own. And I

801
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:02,160
Speaker 1: really do hope that by Peter and I opening up

802
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 1: about the highs and the lows we've experienced in our

803
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 1: go parenting journey, it will help some of you. I

804
00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:14,640
Speaker 1: want to ask you a question. Are you holding on

805
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 1: to old feelings, past angers, resentments, sadness? Maybe just think

806
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 1: about that this week and if you find something there,

807
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:29,040
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to dig deep and be

808
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:34,799
Speaker 1: brave and choose to release that feeling. That's all you

809
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:39,680
Speaker 1: have to do. Simply choose to let it go. I know,

810
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:45,840
Speaker 1: I know I just said simply, and you may be thinking, uh, yeah, Jenny,

811
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 1: it's not that simple. I get it. But I promise you,

812
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:55,320
Speaker 1: no matter what your circumstances are, no matter how high

813
00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 1: the mountain in front of you looks, you can do this.

814
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:03,839
Speaker 1: You can choose to release old feelings, old habits that

815
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:08,280
Speaker 1: are holding you back, and you can choose to move forward.

816
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: You have the power. Thank you for choosing to listen

817
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 1: to I choose me. You can find all the links

818
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,120
Speaker 1: to our socials in the show notes, and I want

819
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,359
Speaker 1: you to know I love you. I'll be here next week.

820
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 1: I hope you choose to be here.

821
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:23,880
Speaker 2: Too