1 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapot with Teddy Cabinet. Okay, guys, it 2 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: is officially Valentine's Day week, No pressure, Edwin. Hello. But 3 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: I feel like last week we got so much good information, 4 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: but we only scratched the surface. I want to get 5 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 1: more info. I want to give helpful tools for all 6 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:29,400 Speaker 1: of us. So we are bringing on Dr Vivianna Coles. 7 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: She's unmarried at First Sight, which airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. 8 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:40,760 Speaker 1: She's a certified sex therapist and I cannot wait. Hi, 9 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:45,560 Speaker 1: Dr viv Hi, Welcome to Teddy Tea Pod. Thanks so 10 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,480 Speaker 1: much for coming on this week. Well, thank you so 11 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: much for having me. So here's where we are struggling. 12 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: So last week we had on some amazing guests that 13 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 1: helped us talk about communication when it comes to intimacy 14 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: and sex. But I want more tools, Like I want actual, 15 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 1: like tangible things for myself and listeners to be able 16 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,039 Speaker 1: to go and do, because yes I do. Now we 17 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: know like the things that need to be communicated about 18 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: and not pushed under the rug and those types of things, 19 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 1: but how do you bring up that communication even to start? So, 20 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,960 Speaker 1: I mean that's kind of where we are. So we're 21 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: we're digging in deep now and we're bringing you in. 22 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: And for those of you guys who want to know 23 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,160 Speaker 1: more about Dr Viv, she's on Married at First Sight. 24 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: It airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She is um a certified 25 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: sex therapist and works in marriage and family therapy. And 26 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 1: we are so excited to have you on today. Thank 27 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: you so much. I'm really excited to give you those tools. Yeah, 28 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna just kind of like dig right 29 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: into it, um. I think the first thing is when 30 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: you are in a sex rut, whether it's post kids 31 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: or not, and you need to have that communication with 32 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 1: your husband, for too much time passes and it's like 33 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, what do you do? What 34 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,639 Speaker 1: do you say? Well, first and foremost, you have to 35 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: be willing to either be the person who's going to 36 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,799 Speaker 1: hold that torch for you as a couple or recognize 37 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:32,639 Speaker 1: that you are not going to be that person, because 38 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,359 Speaker 1: what happens is a lot of times you're thinking, well, 39 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: I'm feeling this way, I wonder if he's feeling this way. Well, 40 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,359 Speaker 1: of course he's feeling this way, because if I'm feeling 41 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: this way, and then you go back and forth, back 42 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: and forth. Okay, let's just both assume that the issue 43 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 1: is there, and now who is going to be the 44 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: one to say, let's do something about it. I'm a 45 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 1: big proponent of the person who thinks about it. Let's 46 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 1: just say that you think it. You have to say something. 47 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,560 Speaker 1: You're gonna get credit for it, even if you don't 48 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 1: know what the next steps are. You're being a good spouse, 49 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,919 Speaker 1: You're being a good partner by being the person who 50 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 1: brings it up. And you can even say, hey, I've 51 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,080 Speaker 1: noticed this. Is this something you've noticed, even if you 52 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: haven't noticed I have, I don't know what to do 53 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: about it? And you can kind of give them that 54 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: look like like I'm clueless, what do we do? Because 55 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 1: that I'm clueless what do we do? Means I care 56 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: about this? And with most men, I'm I'm a married wife, 57 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: um to a man. With most men, what I've noticed 58 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 1: is they don't expect you to have all the answers. 59 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 1: They don't expect you to be able to say and 60 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 1: this is my power point on how we're going to 61 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 1: fix this. But what they do want is for you 62 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 1: to care that it's happening, right, I mean, because Oftentimes 63 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: you'll hear something he's saying, something like, you know, it's 64 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,440 Speaker 1: now been three months since I've had sex with my partner, 65 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 1: and now we're in a situation where like it's uncomfortable 66 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: to even talk about it. Yes, it gets so awkward. Um, 67 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:21,040 Speaker 1: it's funny because I created an intimacy reconnection program, uh, 68 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: based off of the fact that people get to a 69 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: place where it's awkward, and you would think it was 70 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: like a barbed wired, electrified fence that they just can't 71 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 1: pass through. They don't even know how to how to 72 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 1: get there. Um. You would think, you know, people who 73 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: have been together for twenty years, ten years however long, 74 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: who've built businesses together, who have built homes together, who 75 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: have children together, would not let something like awkwardness make 76 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: them freeze. But it absolutely does. And what I would 77 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 1: say to all of you who are feeling like, oh, 78 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 1: it's just so awkward to even get there, really hone 79 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: in on what it is that's behind the awkwardness. Is 80 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 1: it that you're concerned that the first time after a 81 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: very long time is going to be painful, scary? Um, 82 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,159 Speaker 1: not good? Is there going to be judgment? Are you 83 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: self conscious? Or is it that you're thinking, well, we 84 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: haven't really figured out why we haven't had sex in 85 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,920 Speaker 1: three months, three years. I've had clients who haven't had 86 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,599 Speaker 1: sex in eight years. Um, you know, why is it 87 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 1: that that hasn't happened. If it's just a matter like 88 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,599 Speaker 1: if you can go back and say, Okay, well it 89 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,919 Speaker 1: didn't happen during this month because of this or this week, 90 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 1: and it didn't happen during this month, there is if 91 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 1: you can go back and say, I have an understanding 92 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 1: as to why, and it isn't It doesn't have to 93 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: do with the fact that we have lost feelings for 94 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 1: each other. It's more like you're out of town, I 95 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: was sick, your mom came in the town, it was 96 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: a holiday. Like, if you can go back and say 97 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 1: it has it was external forces that kept us from 98 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: being able to go into, you know, kind of our sexuality, 99 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 1: then then that's one thing. And that's actually a fairly 100 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:19,360 Speaker 1: easier conversation to have. But if it's because you just 101 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: don't have those feelings for each other and you're worried 102 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 1: about bringing it up because it's all of a sudden 103 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: going to put your relationships onto the microscope and under 104 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: the spotlight. That's where I would say, get some help. 105 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: I'm a license married and family therapist, so I deal 106 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 1: with this day in and day out. Get help, reach out, 107 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 1: have somebody there to help you navigate that conversation. It 108 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 1: does not have to spell the end of the relationship. 109 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 1: A lot of people think going to therapy is like 110 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 1: the last ditch effort. It totally is not. It can 111 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 1: be something that you do, you know, just like maintenance. 112 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: You know, we we go to the doctor, we go 113 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,440 Speaker 1: to the uh, we go get our oil changes, we 114 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 1: do all sorts of stuff. This can just be part 115 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: of maintenance. Now, obviously, if you haven't had you know, 116 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: any sort of healthy sexuality or fun or satisfying sexuality 117 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: in a while, it's not going to be an easy conversation, 118 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: but it can definitely come back. What if you go to, 119 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 1: you know, have sex with your partner and like he 120 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: can't get it up. Do you take it personally? And 121 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: this is a new problem, Like, I know, if that 122 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: happened to me, like my mind would start racing and 123 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 1: I would go to all these reasons why it happened. 124 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: But like, what if that is something that happens and 125 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: it's not a physical problem that has ever come up before. 126 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 1: A lot of that has to do with with you 127 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: remembering that your partner, especially a male, they're not robots. 128 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: They don't. It's not like you turn on a switch 129 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: and everything works perfectly. They too have hormones that are 130 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: a part of it. They too have stressed channels that 131 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: can take and zap energy from their genitals. I mean, 132 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 1: this is they you, you married or are dating a 133 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 1: real person, and we women at times can forget just 134 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: how much our brains and our bodies are affected by 135 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:27,000 Speaker 1: external factors. He may think you are the most gorgeous, 136 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: wonderful person, but if he's not feeling well, or if 137 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,760 Speaker 1: he has a lot of stress, his body is going 138 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: to respond. Now that can be something that would keep 139 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 1: him from initiating after a while, like, oh no, what 140 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,679 Speaker 1: if it. You know, the last time that we tried, 141 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 1: I wasn't nearly as hard as I wanted to be, 142 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: And I know that she noticed and this and that. 143 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 1: Well again, if you're planning on being with someone in 144 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: the long term who has a human body, you'll have 145 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: to navigate these conversations together and can't the same thing 146 00:08:56,120 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 1: go for if you're having sex with your husband and 147 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 1: like you fake an orgasm and they know it similar, 148 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: very similar. You know, I'm not a huge fan of 149 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: of faking it. I think that pleasure can happen in 150 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,079 Speaker 1: a continuum and it doesn't have to be like all 151 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:18,440 Speaker 1: arn nothing, And especially because you know, studies have shown 152 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:23,400 Speaker 1: that women experience the peak of pleasure prior to an orgasm, 153 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 1: not at the orgasm. So we don't have to experience 154 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 1: orgasm in order to really enjoy a sexual experience. But 155 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: we expect men to function in this very linear, robotic, 156 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: predictable way, and they are true, they are humans. We 157 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: need to remember that. Um for let's say they're the 158 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 1: man who's concerned that that's going to happen, or or 159 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: his wife was concerned that that's going to happen. What 160 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 1: if I want to have a conversation ahead of time 161 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,959 Speaker 1: that says, hey, I want to play around tonight after 162 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:05,079 Speaker 1: or a date night, but let's not plan on having intercourse, 163 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,840 Speaker 1: and let's just see how things go, and maybe tomorrow 164 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:14,520 Speaker 1: we'll plan for intercourse. But let's just take that pressure off, 165 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 1: take the pressure off, experience just the you know, the 166 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:24,359 Speaker 1: intimacy of being maked together, cuddling together, showering together, massaging 167 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,520 Speaker 1: one another, making out. When was the last time you 168 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: made out with your husband? Like, come on, like I'm 169 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: making I'm like how many seconds? Start getting? Um? I 170 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: mean also just you know on like thirties, six and 171 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: a half weeks pregnant right now, I'm like, I am 172 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,679 Speaker 1: a real sexual being right now. Um. Do you think 173 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: that climaxing is more mental or physical? Well, that that's 174 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,439 Speaker 1: that's an amazing question. I think for sure what we 175 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: envision a climax to be is physical. But the people 176 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:05,199 Speaker 1: who enjoy sex and sexuality more than anyone are the 177 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:09,839 Speaker 1: people who experience it in their in their psychology and 178 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:15,959 Speaker 1: their emotions. UM. Pleasure is something that is so subjective, 179 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: and when we try to really tie it in with 180 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: our physicality, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment because again, 181 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:30,559 Speaker 1: we age our bodies develop, they tend to decline. Functioning, 182 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: especially sexual functioning, changes on the regular. UM. So I 183 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: would love where people to start to see it as 184 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 1: more as something that exists within their emotional selves, their 185 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: psychological selves, But that isn't typically the case, and so 186 00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 1: we're putting ourselves up against other frameworks that are, hey, 187 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: this is what your body should be experiencing. This is 188 00:11:55,640 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: what you know sexuality should feel like. Um, you're so different. 189 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 1: There's just no way to have that framework exists across cultures, 190 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 1: across ages, across you know, experiences. How do you get 191 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: your libido up if you you know, maybe it is 192 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: because of menopause, or maybe it is because you've just 193 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 1: had a baby, or maybe it's just because you're tired. 194 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 1: How do you actually change that and change the way 195 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,080 Speaker 1: that you're feeling like? I mean, knowing that you should 196 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: isn't really enough. It's all about practice. I'm a big 197 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 1: fan of solo sex. I think that having your self awareness, um, 198 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,960 Speaker 1: and through through that self exploration, through that self awareness 199 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: that we do when we're on our own, uh and 200 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: without anyone else there to see, that's where we start 201 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 1: to get really comfortable and we experience sexual confidence. And 202 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: when that happens, you can start to really look forward 203 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 1: to the pleasure that comes from experiencing fantasies in your head, um, 204 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: the pleasure of sexy touch on your body, all of that. 205 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,280 Speaker 1: But what happens is for a lot of women, they're 206 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:22,079 Speaker 1: not socialized to have that healthy self touch from an 207 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: early age. It doesn't happen until you know, more like 208 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: college age or even beyond their thirties, and they experience 209 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:36,079 Speaker 1: it with someone else, Well, he doesn't tend to know 210 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: what is going to really do things for you. So 211 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 1: it's it's kind of the blind wading the blind. But 212 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,960 Speaker 1: how do you get more comfy doing that? Like, if 213 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 1: you haven't and if it's always been this forbidden thing 214 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 1: that you shouldn't be doing, how do you start to 215 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: learn about it and start to find ways to get 216 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: yourself to even be to not look at it in 217 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: that way. So let's start with your with your mind. Um, 218 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 1: I'm a again, I'm a big fan of encouraging people 219 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 1: to find some sort of sexy erotic literature. It can 220 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: be something that you get on your kindle, it can 221 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: be something that you buy on the you know, the 222 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 1: convenience store. Shall those are all sexy and just pick 223 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: up one and see what happens? What sensations you feel 224 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 1: in your body, what scenarios tend to create an arousal 225 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: response versus what scenarios tend to turn you off, and 226 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: just start learning from that. What I have found is 227 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: that with a lot of women, because we we tend 228 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: to be visually critical. Going straight into visual pornography or 229 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 1: looking at erotic graphic pictures doesn't tend to go as 230 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: nicely or positively as if we were to just have 231 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: a storyline that we can then picture what we want. 232 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: We can picture the people in it that we like, 233 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,200 Speaker 1: the scenarios, the place is the clothing, things that are 234 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 1: appealing to us. Um so it tends to go more 235 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 1: positively that way. And then when you notice the sensations 236 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: in your body, I want you to take note of that, 237 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: write it down. This was a sexy scenario, this would 238 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 1: have been SEXI or if it was like this. And 239 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 1: what I have found is that when women start to 240 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: experience that warmth, that arousal response within their bodies, they 241 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: can kind of see like, oh I can I can 242 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: feel my body and gorging. I can feel you know, 243 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: mi pre tourists like starting to really get aroused. And 244 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: then you can start to understand what it's like to touch. 245 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: And that's just It can be over the underwear, it 246 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: can be in the shower, it can be as you're washing. 247 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,760 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be anything like super erotic and 248 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: as big to do, but it can be. You can 249 00:15:54,720 --> 00:16:00,320 Speaker 1: also really woo yourself. I try to explain to both 250 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 1: men and women in my office. I think it's really 251 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: important that you make it something that you're comfortable with. 252 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 1: And if showering beforehand is comfy, you know, lighting a candle, 253 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 1: having a little drink of wine, you know, woo yourself. 254 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,720 Speaker 1: Make it something where you're relaxed versus something that you're 255 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: checking off the box. But does it ever happen where 256 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 1: somebody's like, wow, I would get so good out of myself. 257 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: What's the point of bringing him along? Typically not? Typically not, 258 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: I've heard what did somebody say that to me before? Like, oh, yeah, 259 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,840 Speaker 1: you know, I'll have sex with my husband once every 260 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: couple of weeks, throw them a bone. But like, truthfully, 261 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,480 Speaker 1: it ain't that good anyway. So you know, it's if 262 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 1: it's if it's not that good, then you need to 263 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: address that. That's part of the work of being in 264 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 1: a long term committed relationship is not letting something like 265 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:54,080 Speaker 1: that just go. If she's saying our sex life isn't 266 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 1: that great, I hear, and what are you going to 267 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: do about that? That's not a that's not a death sentence, 268 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: you know, like she should be thinking, wow, I'm so 269 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,399 Speaker 1: glad that I've really figured out how to um have 270 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: that pholo sex experience that is satisfying and it really 271 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: like eases my my sexual tension. But I would also 272 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: like for her to experience that with her partner, and 273 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 1: she's so can there. I mean, there are so many 274 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 1: ways to experience sexual pleasure with someone else. If she's 275 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,159 Speaker 1: written that off, that maybe more of a sign of 276 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,639 Speaker 1: a relationship issue not so much a sexual issue. And 277 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: that same note, I know there are certain times where 278 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: like when it comes to even like sex with my husband, 279 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,200 Speaker 1: and at the beginning, I will think maybe I don't 280 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,160 Speaker 1: want to I'm not in the mood for this, but 281 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,919 Speaker 1: then you know, you start and then it happens. But 282 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: is there a way that you can kind of work 283 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: yourself into wanting to be in the mood, like, you know, 284 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: in a moment's notice versus that first moment like man, 285 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 1: not tonight. You know, how do you kind of start 286 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 1: tricking or it's not tricking, but how do you start 287 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: changing your perspective div so that it's something you look 288 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,919 Speaker 1: forward to and not something that you know you know 289 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,960 Speaker 1: you need to do to create intimacy. So I think 290 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: that spontaneity is overrated in long term relationships. I think 291 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: it's not something that we can count on happening. We 292 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:20,480 Speaker 1: can hope it happens. Um like the stars aligning. That's great, 293 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 1: But most of the time, again, part of the work 294 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 1: of being in a long term sexually satisfying relationship is 295 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,359 Speaker 1: always being prepared. And now what that might mean for 296 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,879 Speaker 1: a lot of women is making sure that they feel 297 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: comfortable in their bodies. And that may or may not 298 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: include certain hygiene or grooming um that may include working 299 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:47,120 Speaker 1: out a certain way or wearing something, but do something 300 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,239 Speaker 1: on the regular that helps you to feel like you 301 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,440 Speaker 1: could be receptive if your partner or if that situation 302 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 1: would arise now and a lot of women will say, oh, 303 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: it's just you know, then we have to do this, 304 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,720 Speaker 1: and then it takes this long, and I have to 305 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: do that, and then to shower after, and what about 306 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: the kids and this and that, And that's where I 307 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: think that scheduling comes in. I get a lot of 308 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,960 Speaker 1: groans from people, and I'm like, well, if you can 309 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 1: just focus on having frequent, spontaneous sex and that's a 310 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: luxury you have awesome. But for most people, we have 311 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,200 Speaker 1: to plan these things out and that might mean carving 312 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,480 Speaker 1: out an hour once a week, twice a week, you know, 313 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: maybe on a weekend where you just know, hey, we 314 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:37,080 Speaker 1: both need to be thinking sexy thoughts, we both need 315 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:39,920 Speaker 1: to not pick fights, we both need to take our 316 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,760 Speaker 1: acid rebux medicine or whatever it is. I love that 317 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 1: you were validating the scheduling sex thing. It's something I've 318 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: talked about before because I truly think it's like helped 319 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 1: our marriage and our sex life where we're not putting 320 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,159 Speaker 1: it in a calendar, but we're kind of putting it 321 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: out there that this is the plan, the general planning 322 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,360 Speaker 1: of when it's going to happen, and and then both 323 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 1: of our expectations are met and we're excited, and it's 324 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,199 Speaker 1: just a different way versus you know, somebody may just 325 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,640 Speaker 1: have had a bad day and they want to come 326 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: home and have sex to make themselves feel better, and 327 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,560 Speaker 1: the other person is already half asleep or watching the 328 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 1: Taylor Swift Doctor documentary and the Moon. You know. Like 329 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: the other thing about scheduling it is that it doesn't 330 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 1: have to be on like you said, like a shared calendar. 331 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: But if it's something that, let's say, for you or 332 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:32,600 Speaker 1: for me, it helps to know. Oh, yeah, I need 333 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,119 Speaker 1: to make sure that I am, you know, getting the 334 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,080 Speaker 1: kids to bed by a certain time on this night. 335 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: That's something that's going on in my head, and I'm 336 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 1: starting to prepare myself for it. The other thing is 337 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: that if it is something that's expected and scheduled, you 338 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: can then have a conversation about why it may not happen. Oh, honey, 339 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 1: you know, I'm sorry, but it's going to be guys 340 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,200 Speaker 1: night this night, or it's gonna be girls night. Can 341 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,560 Speaker 1: we you know, get a rain check and change it 342 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: for the next night. What matters in the long term 343 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 1: or relationship for most people is that you're on the 344 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,879 Speaker 1: same page about why it is happening or why it 345 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 1: is not happening. What if one person is feeling sexually 346 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,240 Speaker 1: satisfied but the other person isn't. How do you communicate 347 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,640 Speaker 1: that with your partner without being, you know, hurting their feelings. 348 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 1: I think what you're what you're alluding to, maybe when 349 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 1: somebody feels like it feels good and the other person doesn't. Yeah, 350 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: or if somebody is happy with the way things are 351 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,160 Speaker 1: and you you may have talked this is a question 352 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 1: from somebody else, So I'm just trying to assume. But 353 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,160 Speaker 1: I think what they were implying it was a longer 354 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,719 Speaker 1: question prior, but that their husband seems to be happy 355 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: with their sex life because they have enough sex a 356 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: week and blah blah blah, and it's kind of like 357 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 1: checking something off a list, but they're their intimacy needs 358 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 1: maybe aren't being met, and how do they then share 359 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,120 Speaker 1: that with their husband without kind of pointing fingers? So 360 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 1: I again, there are certain things that we can just 361 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,720 Speaker 1: do if you're in a long term relationship that um 362 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: make things so much easier. And that's have a Friday 363 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,560 Speaker 1: lunch meeting, you know, maybe once a week, maybe once 364 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 1: a month, where you share what you think is going 365 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: well in your life, your lives together, and that should 366 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 1: always include your intimate physical sex life. Hey, this is 367 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: what I really like. I like that, you know, on 368 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:26,359 Speaker 1: those days we seem to have kind of more of 369 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,119 Speaker 1: a sex fed vibe between us. What do you like 370 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,120 Speaker 1: about it? Oh? I just like that you know we're 371 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 1: having sex more than anybody else I know. Okay, what 372 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 1: would you like to do? And then it's almost like 373 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: if you have these questions that you're both ready or 374 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,120 Speaker 1: expecting to answer that's when some of the issues can 375 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 1: come out. And but you always want to phrase it 376 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,280 Speaker 1: in terms of what I would like to have more of, 377 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,920 Speaker 1: or things would be even better if we did more 378 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 1: of this, or I like this. Um, you don't want 379 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,880 Speaker 1: to really go into the whole. You know, I don't 380 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: like this and I don't want this, or we need 381 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:06,480 Speaker 1: to stop doing that. It be be more positive in 382 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: the way that you that you couch it. So, for instance, 383 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:14,359 Speaker 1: this person could say, I really like that we always 384 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: prioritize this on such and such dates. Um, something that 385 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: I would like to do more of is maybe spend 386 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 1: a little bit more time in finding out what feels 387 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: really good for both you and for me. The next 388 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,920 Speaker 1: time that we're in the bedroom, I'd like to give 389 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,680 Speaker 1: it a little bit more time to explore and and 390 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,679 Speaker 1: just start. They're like, that's not You're not saying that 391 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 1: you want anything in particular. You're not saying that you 392 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: don't like something. You're just saying I want more time. 393 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: And then she can maybe lead um that at least 394 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: in that experience what it is that she wants to 395 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,439 Speaker 1: experience more pleasure in, Because there's got to be something 396 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,359 Speaker 1: that's saying that it puts it in a positive versus 397 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: a negative of and you know, you can kind of 398 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,119 Speaker 1: go from there. It's not as critical. It's not like 399 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,199 Speaker 1: a wet blanket. Oh, by the way, I hate our 400 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: sex lives. We need to redo everything. Or it can 401 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 1: also be a wet blanket to say, hey, I know 402 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,200 Speaker 1: we haven't talked about this in ages, but I made 403 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: us an appointment with a sex therapist like that that 404 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 1: kind of look, it's a little bit of pressure. Yeah, 405 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:34,399 Speaker 1: So these are more like direct sex or you know, 406 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,439 Speaker 1: questions on how to handle something so polite ways to 407 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: tell your partner that they are unattracted to your smell 408 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:47,240 Speaker 1: or that you're not taking care of yourself or any 409 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,719 Speaker 1: of those types of things. Because I can't tell you 410 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,639 Speaker 1: how many people had questions on that, like how do 411 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,639 Speaker 1: I tell my wife that she needs to take care 412 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,640 Speaker 1: of herself down there if she wants me to take 413 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: care of her down there? Or how do I tell 414 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 1: my husband that I don't mind going down on him, 415 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: but I only like doing it after he gets out 416 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: of the shower. Right. Oh my gosh, Teddy, I have 417 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 1: like the perfect case study for you. This is this 418 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: is something that even stuck to me, which after I've 419 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,560 Speaker 1: been in practice since like two thousand three. I was 420 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,879 Speaker 1: shocked because I had this couple that came in and 421 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,200 Speaker 1: they were seeming me doing really well with their relationship, 422 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,760 Speaker 1: but that their stufs like just wasn't clicking. And she 423 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 1: kept saying, you know, I just think it's unfair that, 424 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:32,120 Speaker 1: you know, I am always willing to go down on him, 425 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 1: but he doesn't ever go down on me. And I 426 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,600 Speaker 1: said okay, and I wanted to talk to him separately 427 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,560 Speaker 1: about it and what's going on, and she was like, 428 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 1: I just I don't understand that, Like we got along 429 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:46,440 Speaker 1: so well and he's so welcoming and he seems so um. 430 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,479 Speaker 1: He seems to praise me all the time about my 431 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 1: body and this ma, but I just don't get it. It 432 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,120 Speaker 1: It makes me feel bad. So I get him alone, 433 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,680 Speaker 1: as I tend to do. I seem to do both 434 00:25:55,720 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 1: couples and individual sessions. Um. And he says, my wife 435 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 1: works out three or four times a week and showers 436 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:12,520 Speaker 1: maybe once m and I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh, 437 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,200 Speaker 1: you mean, like she doesn't wash her hair but once 438 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,800 Speaker 1: She's like, no, she does not shower work except for 439 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,719 Speaker 1: maybe once and I said, have you ever shared with 440 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,720 Speaker 1: her that you would like for her to shower more? 441 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 1: And he said, well, the one time that I brought 442 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,160 Speaker 1: it up, she said it was bad for her skin, 443 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 1: and that you know that that's not fair that she 444 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 1: shouldn't have to, you know, have dry skin because he 445 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:42,200 Speaker 1: wants her to shower more. I I was like, okay, 446 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,359 Speaker 1: all right, now, I know that that that that I 447 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,159 Speaker 1: also have to question myself. Well, okay, I'm the kind 448 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: of person who washes my hair every single day because 449 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 1: if I sweat, I'm going to wash everything. But that's 450 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,720 Speaker 1: not how everybody is. So I know that I have 451 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,439 Speaker 1: to say, okay, well let me let me talk to 452 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 1: her now to figure out what it is that's going 453 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,439 Speaker 1: on with her, because I certainly don't want to, you know, 454 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,280 Speaker 1: push my own ideas about what cleanliness should be like. 455 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 1: So I talked to her about it and I said, 456 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: you know, um our genitals and I had to kind 457 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,960 Speaker 1: of explain, like our genitals they have like the self 458 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,520 Speaker 1: cleaning mechanism as women, but if you're working out as 459 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,720 Speaker 1: much as you do, you are creating more oils, you're 460 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,399 Speaker 1: creating sweat, and if you have hair, it gets the 461 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: smells get trapped in there and it can be very musty. 462 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 1: And so I just thought out told her as this 463 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:34,840 Speaker 1: quote unquote sex expert, are going to have a man's 464 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 1: mouth on your genitalia on your bulba, you are going 465 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:46,040 Speaker 1: to have to clean it and and you know what 466 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,320 Speaker 1: you said, Oh I can do that. Well that makes sense. 467 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,919 Speaker 1: I'm a little a sudden, got a little shit tongue 468 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,360 Speaker 1: tied on that one. No, but it's true. I get, 469 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,800 Speaker 1: I mean, this happened, you know, it's I guess I'm 470 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,040 Speaker 1: in a personal share for a second. But when I 471 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:07,320 Speaker 1: was pregnant with my first child, um, my husband was 472 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: constantly paranoid that he was going to touch the baby 473 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:16,720 Speaker 1: while we were having sex. Why yeah, And I was like, 474 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,520 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, you're good, you know. But it took 475 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,159 Speaker 1: us actually going to my O B G Y N 476 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:28,680 Speaker 1: and saying like, hey, can you please tell Edwin that 477 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:33,480 Speaker 1: this is completely safe and you know, and and then 478 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:37,159 Speaker 1: everything kind of shifted. But because you know, there's just 479 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,480 Speaker 1: so many factors, like then I was put on bed 480 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: rest and all of these things happened that like can 481 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: keep triggering these worries like if you're spotting or if 482 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 1: this happens or um, and you know kind of in 483 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,479 Speaker 1: this pregnancy. You know, I've been very lucky that I 484 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 1: haven't been on better rest and spotting all these constant things. 485 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: But like we had to like have that conversation again 486 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,239 Speaker 1: with the doctor. It was like Dr Goldberg, can you 487 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,800 Speaker 1: please explain Lane that everything safe, everything's good, and now 488 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 1: it's been great. But without that knowledge, it's in the 489 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,120 Speaker 1: back of his head or even during he'd be like 490 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:13,479 Speaker 1: is this okay? Do you think this is fine? I 491 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:19,080 Speaker 1: did my doctoral project on maintaining sexual intimacy during pregnancy, 492 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,239 Speaker 1: so I actually had to creative video that had like 493 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: all the diagrams of showing like Okay, this is your 494 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:29,320 Speaker 1: penis and this is all the space in between, um. 495 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,080 Speaker 1: And even then some men would still come out of 496 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:37,080 Speaker 1: my project like but but but really, really, I'm like, 497 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,800 Speaker 1: you're not that long and even if you were here, 498 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 1: there's lots of protection there. Um. But it's But it's 499 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 1: interesting because even with kind of sharing with with this 500 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 1: one client in particular, hey, you know, I think you'll 501 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,960 Speaker 1: need to wash in order to make everything go better. 502 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: It wasn't that I wanted her to be ashamed of 503 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 1: her smell. It was that I wanted her to be 504 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:05,200 Speaker 1: O where of that and aware of his preferences, and 505 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 1: wasn't that way whenever she was making a choice. Hey, 506 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,560 Speaker 1: I'm not going to shower tonight. She also didn't feel 507 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 1: blindsided by the fact that he wasn't going to be 508 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 1: maybe as enthusiastic about going down on her that night. 509 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 1: I'm curious, did you change? Did you shirt showering change? Here? 510 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:29,880 Speaker 1: Did success? So? Oh my gosh, we have to take 511 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 1: a little break. Can I Can I get you right 512 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,000 Speaker 1: back in in a couple of minutes to ask a 513 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:41,520 Speaker 1: couple ask questions? Of course? All right, we're back. I 514 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,280 Speaker 1: know we're running out of time. Of course I have 515 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,120 Speaker 1: like a million more questions to ask you, but let's 516 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,480 Speaker 1: just do a couple more. Um, the first one is 517 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 1: my husband, not me personally. Sorry, UM, somebody's asking me 518 00:30:55,840 --> 00:31:00,400 Speaker 1: their husband consistently wants to have anal sex but she 519 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,680 Speaker 1: does not like it. Where do you go from there? 520 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: So she assuming she says she doesn't like it, but 521 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: that that could mean that she's either tried it and 522 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,000 Speaker 1: it wasn't pleasurable, or she hasn't tried it because she 523 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 1: doesn't really like the idea of it, or she's concerned 524 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:18,800 Speaker 1: that it won't be pleasurable. Um, if you have a 525 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:23,360 Speaker 1: partner who is willing to do the physical and emotional 526 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,479 Speaker 1: preparation that it takes in order to get to have 527 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:33,719 Speaker 1: a pleasurable anal sexual experience, I say let's talk about it, 528 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,719 Speaker 1: because if you are if you do have a partner 529 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: who's willing to do all the prep and it takes 530 00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:43,440 Speaker 1: a lot of preparation, it could take weeks, it could 531 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 1: take months. Then if you have a partner who's willing 532 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 1: to hold your hand through it, and both of you 533 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,880 Speaker 1: can explore that. Obviously I'm partial to people doing that 534 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,400 Speaker 1: with me as a sex therapist, but there are you know, 535 00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:58,200 Speaker 1: some there's some information online that's very helpful. There are 536 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: books and videos that are very helpful. If they're willing 537 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 1: to do all that and you're will it's almost like 538 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: kind of liking it to the fact that you know 539 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 1: you're pregnant right now. I've also had two kids myself. 540 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,800 Speaker 1: The idea of something coming out of you or of 541 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: your body being able to handle the experience when you're 542 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:23,959 Speaker 1: four weeks pregnant is very different emotionally and physically than 543 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,200 Speaker 1: when you're thirty six weeks pregnant, all of a sudden, 544 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:28,840 Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, my body, I've seen the changes that 545 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,040 Speaker 1: my body has gone through. I've looked at the videos, 546 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:35,160 Speaker 1: I've read the stories. I've experienced it, you know, in 547 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:40,120 Speaker 1: different ways. You have to remember that this is a process. 548 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,720 Speaker 1: This is not a let's try this out tonight. If 549 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:47,920 Speaker 1: you can create an experience where your body can accommodate, 550 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 1: then you have the option of maybe even experiencing pleasure. 551 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 1: But a lot of women won't even go there because 552 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: they've heard a lot of myths or they're scared. And UM, 553 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: I think that it's worth thinking about and considering very strongly. 554 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 1: If you have a partner who is patient, who is 555 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,520 Speaker 1: willing to let you take the lead, and who isn't 556 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:16,320 Speaker 1: going to be pushy, all right, I can accept that answer. 557 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 1: I can accept that answer. Um, where should somebody go 558 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 1: to research this? So there? Um, that's interesting, you say, 559 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: let me see if I can plan it like you 560 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: do is I'll post about it whenever you Postum, whenever 561 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 1: you post this, I'll post some links and kind of 562 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,840 Speaker 1: do like a little link thing. Um. People are gonna 563 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,720 Speaker 1: be like, oh, why is that doctor really posting a 564 00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 1: bunch of people. Know, we'll see if we can do that, 565 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,800 Speaker 1: maybe on a story or something, but it's for a 566 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:51,880 Speaker 1: lot of people it's a straight up no, not gonna happen, 567 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,560 Speaker 1: and they can't understand why anybody would want that to happen. 568 00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:59,720 Speaker 1: But if you as a couple are trying to experience 569 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:05,600 Speaker 1: pasure in different ways, it is a really valid um, 570 00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:08,840 Speaker 1: a valid choice to explore that part of your body. 571 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:14,120 Speaker 1: But you must do it carefully and very conscientiously. That 572 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:17,880 Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense. Um. And then this last 573 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 1: one that's involving you know, a listener question is I 574 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,840 Speaker 1: think about other people while having sex with my husband. 575 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,879 Speaker 1: What does that mean? Are we in trouble? Okay, if 576 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,920 Speaker 1: it's the only way you're able to get off, you 577 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,759 Speaker 1: may be in a little bit of trouble. And a 578 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: lot of that is because you are no longer associating 579 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 1: your partner with your pleasure. So if you have trouble 580 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,719 Speaker 1: getting back into being able to consider your partner as 581 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:53,640 Speaker 1: your fantasy subject, um, seek some help and don't don't 582 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:57,680 Speaker 1: continue doing that. Wait, um, you know, see if you 583 00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,839 Speaker 1: see if you can think about your partner and get off, 584 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 1: and if you can't, get some help with it, but 585 00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: don't continue to do what you've been doing, which is 586 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:08,720 Speaker 1: training your body and your brain to respond to someone else. 587 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:13,839 Speaker 1: Does the same. Go for sex dreams. You can't control sex, 588 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 1: Sonnekle of Joy for you know, you can't control that. 589 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 1: But your fantasy file should should be with somebody that 590 00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:27,799 Speaker 1: you can actually be with and can experience that with, 591 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,280 Speaker 1: and truth be told, you would probably want your partner 592 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 1: to do the same. I mean, now I have to 593 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,360 Speaker 1: dig into a personal question. I need to know a 594 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 1: little bit more about married at First Sight how it works, 595 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: Like can you give us a little juice on that? Absolutely? 596 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,279 Speaker 1: And actually now it's the time to to really check 597 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: in on on the episodes because they're going to be 598 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,440 Speaker 1: talking more about intimacy and that sort of thing. But 599 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:57,720 Speaker 1: Married at First Sight is this radical arranged marriage experiment. 600 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,880 Speaker 1: It is we really try to get at the best, 601 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: most compatible couples from our singles and we create hopefully 602 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,759 Speaker 1: long lasting marriages from that. Now, what we do is 603 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,840 Speaker 1: we do all bunch of research, all sorts of testing, 604 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:18,440 Speaker 1: all sorts of questionnaires. We put these people through the ringer, 605 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,240 Speaker 1: and then if we're able to find them a match, 606 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,720 Speaker 1: we will match them We have five couples this season 607 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 1: who we believe are very well matched. And then what 608 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:32,040 Speaker 1: happens is they get married, and they meet and get 609 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,759 Speaker 1: legally married at the Altar, and then they go on 610 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:38,319 Speaker 1: this eight week experiment and this is their chance to 611 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:42,560 Speaker 1: really get to know why they are compatible, how they're compatible, 612 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,760 Speaker 1: and um get them started on a lifelong marriage. Now, 613 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,120 Speaker 1: the TV aspect of it, and the part that I 614 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,080 Speaker 1: love about it is that you get to learn how 615 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:56,680 Speaker 1: people do well in relationships, but also how can they 616 00:36:56,680 --> 00:37:00,799 Speaker 1: can self sabotaged Because the people that we see singles, 617 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,319 Speaker 1: we hope are going to be the people that they 618 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:06,160 Speaker 1: are when they're coupled up, but that isn't always the case. 619 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:09,880 Speaker 1: And sometimes it takes people going through the wringer to 620 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:13,000 Speaker 1: get to a place where they are doing well, and 621 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: other people just fall off. So, I mean, it's kind 622 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: of crazy, it's this roller poster. But if you're really 623 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:25,399 Speaker 1: committed to marriage and you're really committed to finding out 624 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,200 Speaker 1: why this person is the best match for you, then 625 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 1: they do really well and they you know, we have 626 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:35,080 Speaker 1: lots of lots of couples um, and we have babies 627 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:37,680 Speaker 1: who have come out of the show, so it's it's 628 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:43,080 Speaker 1: a really really interesting, unique experience. I cannot wait to 629 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,200 Speaker 1: keep tuning in now that it's getting to the intimacy part. 630 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: And we appreciate you so much for coming on the 631 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,120 Speaker 1: show and digging a little deeper. I could ask you 632 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:55,759 Speaker 1: a million more questions. UM, that's a part two or 633 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,240 Speaker 1: part three. I know we have to dig into more. UM. 634 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,040 Speaker 1: If you guys want to find out more about Dr 635 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:04,840 Speaker 1: viv you can find out at Dr Viviana dot com. 636 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:12,280 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, take care right. Thanks 637 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,880 Speaker 1: for listening this week to teddy te Pod. Please continue 638 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:18,600 Speaker 1: to send in your questions. I love it. UM. Next 639 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,840 Speaker 1: week we are digging into the good, the bad, and 640 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,319 Speaker 1: the ugly of pregnancy. I mean that is, if I'm 641 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:28,759 Speaker 1: still pregnant next week. So UM, send in your questions. 642 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:30,480 Speaker 1: I look forward to doing it and I'll talk to 643 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:34,719 Speaker 1: you guys soon. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for listening. Subscribe 644 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,440 Speaker 1: to teddy te Pod on I Hear Radio or wherever 645 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:38,719 Speaker 1: you listen to podcasts.