WEBVTT - Jillian Turecki: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life

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<v Speaker 1>Do you think the idea that love is enough can

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<v Speaker 1>hold together a relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>Relationships actually rarely end because of lack of love. They

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<v Speaker 2>more commonly end because people don't feel seen, they feel misunderstood.

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<v Speaker 2>They go into a state of learned helplessness where they

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<v Speaker 2>don't see.

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<v Speaker 3>Your way out.

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<v Speaker 1>Today, everyone, we have Gillian Tareki on the podcast Gillian,

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<v Speaker 1>you are a relationship coach, a teacher, a podcaster, a

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<v Speaker 1>riisa and a speaker. Why do people accept abuse in relationships?

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<v Speaker 3>Over and over again?

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<v Speaker 2>I've never known a person who has been in a

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<v Speaker 2>very unhealthy relationship and or an abusive relationship who also

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<v Speaker 2>did not struggle to accept who they are and loved

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<v Speaker 2>and loved themselves. Sometimes people stay in these relationships because

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<v Speaker 2>they don't know the way out, but most times it

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<v Speaker 2>means something needs to be looked at within. Why you

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<v Speaker 2>tolerate that?

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<v Speaker 1>And for a woman who wants to stop rebuilding her

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with herself, do you have any specific practices on

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<v Speaker 1>how they can start changing their perception of what they deserve?

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<v Speaker 2>One of the hardest questions to answer for everyone is

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<v Speaker 2>what do I want? What would make me feel more fulfilled?

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<v Speaker 2>And by doing that you start to learn how to

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<v Speaker 2>meet your own needs.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Radi Wkia and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,

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<v Speaker 1>we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

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<v Speaker 1>for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you

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<v Speaker 1>to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort.

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<v Speaker 3>Together.

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<v Speaker 1>Today, everyone, we have Jillian Tareki on the podcast. Gillian,

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<v Speaker 1>you are a relationship coach, a teacher, a podcaster, a writer,

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<v Speaker 1>and a speaker. And you've just told me that you're

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<v Speaker 1>also a yoga teacher for the past what was it

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<v Speaker 1>twenty five years?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I've been practicing yoga for the past twenty five

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<v Speaker 2>years and I tard it for about eighteen years.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, incredible.

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<v Speaker 1>And you've been helping people for over twenty years to

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<v Speaker 1>love themselves and others better through your experience in research

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<v Speaker 1>and your new book It begins with you, The Nine

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<v Speaker 1>Hard Truths about Love that will Change your life. It

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<v Speaker 1>is so beautiful and it shares such a practical approach

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<v Speaker 1>to achieving lasting self love and relationships. So thank you

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<v Speaker 1>so much for being here, and I'm so excited to

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<v Speaker 1>learn from you.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, thank you so much for having me. I been

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<v Speaker 2>so looking forward to this conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>I know I told you this as you walked in

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<v Speaker 1>the door, but I need to say on camera because

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<v Speaker 1>when I started reading your book, I read it within

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<v Speaker 1>forty eight hours and I could not stop. Every single

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<v Speaker 1>page I was highlighting. I was turning the folding the

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<v Speaker 1>page over to remember to come back to it. And

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<v Speaker 1>you know, it honestly gave me so many moments of

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<v Speaker 1>reflection and things that I realized I hadn't noticed I

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<v Speaker 1>kept with me throughout my life, and that had impacted

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<v Speaker 1>so many different parts of my life without me even realizing.

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<v Speaker 3>So thank you for that.

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<v Speaker 1>I really needed those moments, and I think it's going

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<v Speaker 1>to make me so much better as a partner and

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<v Speaker 1>have better relationships even outside of even outside of my

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<v Speaker 1>my relationship with my husband, with other people in my life.

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<v Speaker 3>So thank you, thank you, thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, thank you. That's like music to my ears.

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<v Speaker 1>Seriously, in this book, you go through nine core truths,

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<v Speaker 1>and honestly, I would love to walk our way through

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<v Speaker 1>them because I think they are so juicy each one

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<v Speaker 1>and I have so many questions from them. Okay, you

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<v Speaker 1>wrote in the first part that fulfilling relationship grounded in

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<v Speaker 1>connection intimacy and trust starts from within and the truth

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<v Speaker 1>one is it begins with you. So I would love

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<v Speaker 1>to get your insight on this and just expand on

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<v Speaker 1>it as much as you would like to do.

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<v Speaker 2>When we look at all our relationships past and present,

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<v Speaker 2>the common denominator is me and just the common denominators you.

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<v Speaker 2>The common denominator is us. Not People misinterpret that or

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<v Speaker 2>can misinterpret that as oh, well, then I guess I'm

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<v Speaker 2>the problem. No, no, no, It just means you're the

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<v Speaker 2>common denominator. It just means that all our relationships are

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<v Speaker 2>a product of the choices that we make and the

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<v Speaker 2>choices of how we show up every day. The choices

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<v Speaker 2>and partner just choices, and there are choices that are

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<v Speaker 2>very much informed by our conditioning, beliefs and whatnot, but

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<v Speaker 2>they really are our choices, and that if we want

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<v Speaker 2>to make a change in our life, and very specifically

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<v Speaker 2>to this book, in our love lives, we have to

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<v Speaker 2>be the change that we wish to see because we

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<v Speaker 2>cannot change another person, and there's some circumstances that we

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<v Speaker 2>just cannot change, but we can change something from within.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I really wanted to write this and title

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<v Speaker 2>the book, It begins with you, because I wanted people

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<v Speaker 2>to feel empowered that if they wanted to make a change,

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<v Speaker 2>it actually is possible. It's takes some work, there is

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<v Speaker 2>some emotional labor involved. But life doesn't get better blaming

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<v Speaker 2>mom or dad or history or anything like that. And

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<v Speaker 2>it doesn't get better blaming ourselves. But it does get

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<v Speaker 2>better saying Okay, how might I be standing in the

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<v Speaker 2>way of what it is that I say that I

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<v Speaker 2>really want.

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<v Speaker 1>And if someone has this realization, because I think you know,

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<v Speaker 1>you can go through so much of your life where

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<v Speaker 1>you do get used to blaming other situations or other people,

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<v Speaker 1>and that can become a narrative and it can become

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<v Speaker 1>the place that we find safety, in the place that

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<v Speaker 1>we find comfort because if it's not me, then I

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<v Speaker 1>can't control it, which means I'm not in control of

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<v Speaker 1>the pain that I'm feeling. It's just happening to me.

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<v Speaker 1>But as soon as you start realizing that, oh, actually,

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<v Speaker 1>if it begins with me, that means I have control

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<v Speaker 1>of the things that pain me and the things that

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<v Speaker 1>hurt me and the situations I go through. So for

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<v Speaker 1>someone who just comes to this realization, they hear you

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<v Speaker 1>just saying it. What are some of the first steps

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<v Speaker 1>that people can do to start that process of creating

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<v Speaker 1>a better life for themselves.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, I mean when it comes to relationships, Let's

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<v Speaker 2>say you're single and you're dating, you can ask yourself, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>what are the type of people that I've been dating?

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<v Speaker 2>Is there is there a pattern? Is there a pattern

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<v Speaker 2>in the relationships that didn't work? Were they just randomly

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<v Speaker 2>just didn't work or was there a pattern? What are

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<v Speaker 2>my beliefs about love When I think about the world

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<v Speaker 2>love and relationships or marriage or partnership. What are some

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<v Speaker 2>of the first things that come to mind? If I

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<v Speaker 2>date men and I'm craving to be intimate with a

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<v Speaker 2>man emotionally like being a relationship with a man, is

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<v Speaker 2>there a part of me that also hates men? And

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<v Speaker 2>what is that all about? And I have to actually

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<v Speaker 2>investigate that. If I date women and I say I

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<v Speaker 2>love women, is there a part of me that doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>trust them? So these are the things that we need

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<v Speaker 2>to ask ourselves. And everyone is walking around, every single

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<v Speaker 2>person is walking around with some internal conflict. Yeah, and

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<v Speaker 2>so bringing that which is unconscious into our awareness saying okay, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>this is what I have a conflict about or this

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<v Speaker 2>is a belief that mom had that I have, or

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I saw my mom being treated a certain way,

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<v Speaker 2>and so this is what I've seen myself doing. And

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<v Speaker 2>just being able to do that necessary self examination.

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<v Speaker 1>It's almost just becoming conscious of your natural patents, because

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<v Speaker 1>when you've been doing something for such a long time,

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<v Speaker 1>that pattern can feel like normality, yes, and then suddenly

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<v Speaker 1>when you tune in, you're like, wait, why do I

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<v Speaker 1>believe in this and why do I think? Like for me,

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<v Speaker 1>one of the things that I noticed when I started

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<v Speaker 1>dating or even when I started dating Jay, was my

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<v Speaker 1>vision of what a man should look like in the

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<v Speaker 1>house was purely based on my dad. My dad does

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<v Speaker 1>all the handyman work, so of course a man in

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<v Speaker 1>the house.

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<v Speaker 3>Like Jay should be able to do the hands.

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<v Speaker 1>He's a screwdriver, and if something breaks, he should be

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<v Speaker 1>able to fix it. And oh, my dad handles all

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<v Speaker 1>the finances at home. So that's what I would expect

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<v Speaker 1>Jay to do. And I realized that even though I

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<v Speaker 1>appreciated that in my dad, that wasn't necessarily you know,

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<v Speaker 1>That's all I knew of a husband was what I'd seen,

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<v Speaker 1>and so Jay didn't know how to use a screwdriver

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<v Speaker 1>when I met him, and like, he isn't the person

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<v Speaker 1>that like saying handyman work, but I was because I'd

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<v Speaker 1>learnt it from my dad. And so it's just interesting

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<v Speaker 1>the patterns and the things that you incubate within you

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<v Speaker 1>and you kind of put onto someone else before you

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<v Speaker 1>even meet them, Like you create this whole view of

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<v Speaker 1>what the person is based on your own experiences, and

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<v Speaker 1>then it's kind of setting them up a failure because

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<v Speaker 1>you're like, well, these are the boxes you have to

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<v Speaker 1>fit into before I even know whether you have those

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<v Speaker 1>skills or those abilities to do that. And I loved

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<v Speaker 1>what you said about how do you feel when those

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<v Speaker 1>when you hear those words, because I noticed I've started

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<v Speaker 1>noticing that in myself, Like when you said, how do

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<v Speaker 1>you feel when you think of the word marriage? Like

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<v Speaker 1>what are the initial not even just the thoughts, but

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<v Speaker 1>what feeling comes into your body?

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<v Speaker 3>Do you cringe?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you get scared? Do you feel excited? Like seeing

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<v Speaker 1>what the narrative is in your mind and your reactions

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<v Speaker 1>can be such a great depiction of whether it's an

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<v Speaker 1>area you need to work on.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, one hundred percent And I love what you said

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<v Speaker 2>about needing your future husband to kind of look, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>look a certain way. And this is this is this

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<v Speaker 2>is what we do, and this is we're skipping ahead.

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<v Speaker 2>But there is a chapter on LUs does not Love.

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<v Speaker 2>And what we tend to do is we have this ideal, right,

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<v Speaker 2>and we project the health the unhealthiest relationships, or the

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<v Speaker 2>relationships that start off really hot and heavy and then

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<v Speaker 2>crash and burn, like you know, three months in or

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<v Speaker 2>maybe six months in, people go and this is unconscious.

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<v Speaker 2>They project their ideal onto the other person. It's the idealization, right,

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<v Speaker 2>and then as soon as we start to get wind

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<v Speaker 2>of the fact that the person is just a person

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<v Speaker 2>with depth and nuance and flaws and shortcomings, that's when

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<v Speaker 2>we're like, oh, we're like we all our expectations are

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<v Speaker 2>sort of they cannot win. And then that's when we're like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>this must not be love, or something must be wrong

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<v Speaker 2>or I'm just not into them. And so having that

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<v Speaker 2>awareness of just like, okay, so this is what I

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<v Speaker 2>was raised with, This is my projection of the ideal,

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<v Speaker 2>but maybe this is actually not You know, how many

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<v Speaker 2>people you think are missing out on a great relationship

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<v Speaker 2>because they have too many rules about how it's supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to look and feel and be versus is this is

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<v Speaker 2>this actually someone who's good for me?

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<v Speaker 1>And what have you seen off to having spoken to

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<v Speaker 1>so many people and being in this world for a while,

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<v Speaker 1>what would you say look like the biggest hurdles that

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<v Speaker 1>people are having at the moment to actually getting into

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<v Speaker 1>healthy relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>Definitely their own stuff over having to overcome their own selfishness.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, we have to sort of quote unquote normalize.

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<v Speaker 2>We can all be selfish, right, especially when it comes

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<v Speaker 2>to love. Because the thing is, there is nothing more

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<v Speaker 2>than a romantic relationship that's going to trigger in us

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<v Speaker 2>the fear of losing love. Yeah, so we don't want that,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, a state. We want to secure relationship where

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<v Speaker 2>we don't where you can go to sleep at night

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<v Speaker 2>and everything. We're not worried about the relationship ending. But

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<v Speaker 2>uncertainty is built into anything. We just don't know what's

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<v Speaker 2>going to last, what's not going to last, what's going

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<v Speaker 2>to happen in life? Right, So when we are triggered,

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<v Speaker 2>and some people are so triggerable because they haven't dealt

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<v Speaker 2>with the things that are triggering them, that we become

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<v Speaker 2>when or pushed to the edge of our insecurity, we

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<v Speaker 2>become obsessed with what we're not getting right, and we

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<v Speaker 2>don't consider what we're not giving, and then people forget.

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<v Speaker 3>It's unbelief.

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<v Speaker 2>I know, people have been together for years and in

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<v Speaker 2>many ways they're strangers to each other because they don't

0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:17.680
<v Speaker 2>actually know what the other person needs.

0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:18.480
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:21.480
<v Speaker 2>And so that's really what I see most in terms

0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:24.560
<v Speaker 2>of what people kind of get wrong about love. That

0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.440
<v Speaker 2>love is not is something that we receive, it's also

0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:28.240
<v Speaker 2>something that we give.

0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:30.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's interesting because I think that that stems a

0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:33.400
<v Speaker 1>little bit from the idea of like a scarcity mindset

0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:35.320
<v Speaker 1>where you're constantly thinking about.

0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:36.480
<v Speaker 3>What can I get, what can I get? What can

0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:36.960
<v Speaker 3>I get?

0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:39.160
<v Speaker 1>And how can I keep this and how can I

0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:43.920
<v Speaker 1>take this? And many of us operate from a scarcety mindset.

0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:46.480
<v Speaker 1>And then that scarcety mindset isn't just in money, it's

0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:49.640
<v Speaker 1>in the relationship. So it's more how can I receive

0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:52.480
<v Speaker 1>versus what am I actually putting on the table? Like

0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:56.280
<v Speaker 1>what am I bringing to this? Yes, And that then

0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.240
<v Speaker 1>inten turns into oh I'm not receiving this or I'm

0:12:00.240 --> 0:12:02.360
<v Speaker 1>the one that's the victim. In this, and I'm the

0:12:02.360 --> 0:12:04.360
<v Speaker 1>one that's hurt in this because it's so much easier

0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:06.360
<v Speaker 1>being the victim. It is like, it's so much easier

0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:08.800
<v Speaker 1>being the victim than it is owning up to Oh

0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:10.880
<v Speaker 1>my god, I have so much work to do, and

0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:13.280
<v Speaker 1>I actually have a role to play in the demise

0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:16.440
<v Speaker 1>of this relationship or in the issues that we're having, or.

0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.360
<v Speaker 2>I have a role to play in the success of

0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:20.160
<v Speaker 2>the relationship.

0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:21.920
<v Speaker 3>Yes, yes, exactly.

0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you wrote this in the book and I thought

0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:27.000
<v Speaker 1>it was really beautifully put. Your life will change too

0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:30.040
<v Speaker 1>when you realize that your relationship struggles are not because

0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:33.200
<v Speaker 1>they all cheat, but because you keep ignoring red flags

0:12:33.240 --> 0:12:36.199
<v Speaker 1>and choosing the cheaters. The problem isn't all the good

0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:39.760
<v Speaker 1>ones are taken, it's that you keep choosing the unavailable ones.

0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:42.320
<v Speaker 1>It's not that they didn't choose you. It's that you

0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:45.560
<v Speaker 1>haven't chosen yourself. And it's not that they're avoidant. It's

0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.360
<v Speaker 1>just that your anxiety may play a role too. The

0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:50.559
<v Speaker 1>story you share about yourself at the beginning of your

0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:54.920
<v Speaker 1>book is pretty heartbreaking, and I would love you if

0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:55.840
<v Speaker 1>you want to mind sharing it.

0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:58.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, no, not at all. Many years ago, I guess

0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.880
<v Speaker 2>then now we're going back by thirteen fourteen years ago

0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:05.480
<v Speaker 2>I met the man who had become my husband. He

0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:07.600
<v Speaker 2>was in my class. I mean, what else are you

0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:10.760
<v Speaker 2>going to do? And I always say that our relationship

0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:13.280
<v Speaker 2>because we were before we got married, were together almost

0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:16.480
<v Speaker 2>two years, and I always say that our relationship pre

0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:21.839
<v Speaker 2>marriage was about ninety percent really good or great even,

0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.480
<v Speaker 2>and ten percent really problematic. And you might say, well, what,

0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:28.880
<v Speaker 2>that's a pretty good stat But the ten percent was

0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:34.480
<v Speaker 2>so profound, so so so so profound that when we

0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:37.679
<v Speaker 2>got married, the ten percent became the ninety percent, and

0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.080
<v Speaker 2>the ninety percent became the ten percent. And so what

0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:43.440
<v Speaker 2>I did is I ignored significant red flags. And I did

0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.720
<v Speaker 2>that because I just wanted to be married. I loved him.

0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.720
<v Speaker 2>The thought of losing him was too much. I just

0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:51.640
<v Speaker 2>didn't have that real sense of self. And then when

0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 2>we got into the marriage, I didn't know how to

0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:55.240
<v Speaker 2>speak the truth. I didn't know how to love at

0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:57.240
<v Speaker 2>a level that I know how to love now, and

0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:59.040
<v Speaker 2>I didn't know how to stand up for myself at

0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.240
<v Speaker 2>a level that I do now. You know, he we

0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:04.160
<v Speaker 2>were having troubles, but then we were in a good

0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:08.400
<v Speaker 2>place and I was pregnant but did not know it

0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:11.880
<v Speaker 2>or yeah, or it was very It was very very

0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:15.600
<v Speaker 2>early on, and my mom had been diagnosed with lung

0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:19.880
<v Speaker 2>cancer was dying. And on June second, twenty fourteen, I

0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:23.400
<v Speaker 2>woke up to what was an early miscarriage, and he

0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:25.840
<v Speaker 2>texted me later that day from work that he wasn't

0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:27.760
<v Speaker 2>coming home, that he was going to go stay at

0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.280
<v Speaker 2>his parents. So he literally it was like he fled.

0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:33.880
<v Speaker 2>It was like totally fleeing, the most awful thing you

0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:35.280
<v Speaker 2>can do to someone.

0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:37.640
<v Speaker 3>And so that was you've been together.

0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.400
<v Speaker 2>At this point we the Merit was exactly two years.

0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:43.320
<v Speaker 2>Exactly two years it was the next day was our

0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:47.480
<v Speaker 2>wedding anniversary. I entered a very significant dark night of

0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:50.160
<v Speaker 2>the soul because my mom was dying, my husband left,

0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:52.920
<v Speaker 2>and I had all these beliefs around, well, no one's

0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 2>going to want me now I'm too old or you know,

0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:59.000
<v Speaker 2>all these things, and I'll have kids. My life didn't

0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:02.280
<v Speaker 2>match what I thought life would be. In fact, it

0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:05.640
<v Speaker 2>was so different, and I felt totally out of control

0:15:05.840 --> 0:15:11.000
<v Speaker 2>and I suffered immensely until I became obsessed with what

0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:12.400
<v Speaker 2>makes a relationship work.

0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:13.840
<v Speaker 3>Obsessed.

0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:15.840
<v Speaker 2>I could not believe that I was in this position

0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:18.480
<v Speaker 2>so I took all that pain and I channeled it

0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:22.280
<v Speaker 2>into learning, and I felt a calling to teach. This

0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:26.640
<v Speaker 2>definitely not glamorous, really hard. I needed a lot of help,

0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:32.000
<v Speaker 2>but I thankfully learned how to take something really painful

0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:34.840
<v Speaker 2>and turn it into something very purposeful and.

0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:35.520
<v Speaker 3>I of interest.

0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:38.440
<v Speaker 1>And obviously you don't have to answer this, but you know,

0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:41.120
<v Speaker 1>for many people who have been through really hurtful things

0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:44.680
<v Speaker 1>with their past relationships or something like this happening to

0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:46.960
<v Speaker 1>you that feels so traumatic and leave such an imprint

0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:49.080
<v Speaker 1>in you, do you feel like the work that you've

0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:52.320
<v Speaker 1>done has enabled you to actually feel like one you

0:15:52.360 --> 0:15:55.800
<v Speaker 1>forgive the situation, and two that you don't actually feel

0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:57.000
<v Speaker 1>the pain that came from.

0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:00.800
<v Speaker 2>Great question, I don't feel the pain. So here's the

0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:04.280
<v Speaker 2>interesting thing about human beings. I could take some time

0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.240
<v Speaker 2>and really focus on it and not focus on it

0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:08.560
<v Speaker 2>like this talking about I mean, like in the quietude

0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:11.360
<v Speaker 2>of my own home and lay in bed and really

0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:13.840
<v Speaker 2>focus on it, and a lot of emotions would probably

0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.120
<v Speaker 2>probably come up, because that's what happens when you focus

0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:20.560
<v Speaker 2>on it. One, I don't feel any compulsion to focus

0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:23.360
<v Speaker 2>on it, and two yeah, no, I was able to

0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:25.080
<v Speaker 2>write about it, and I can talk about it with

0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:28.720
<v Speaker 2>no emotional charge. There's zero emotional charge A process that

0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.880
<v Speaker 2>one hundred percent. But the good news is or and

0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:34.000
<v Speaker 2>the good news is when I talk about it, I

0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:38.720
<v Speaker 2>can say objectively, that was a terrible thing that happened.

0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:42.960
<v Speaker 2>He did a terrible thing, But I don't feel angry.

0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:46.840
<v Speaker 2>There's no emotion behind that. It's truly very objective.

0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:49.360
<v Speaker 1>Well, it's so nice that it's possible for people because

0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:51.480
<v Speaker 1>it is in the pain. I imagine at that time you

0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:54.640
<v Speaker 1>probably had no idea how you would have gotten through it.

0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.040
<v Speaker 2>Oh, I really did not know how I was going

0:16:57.120 --> 0:17:00.160
<v Speaker 2>to survive. It was a very, very dark, ugly time

0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:03.560
<v Speaker 2>in my life. But yes, you just have to process it.

0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:08.240
<v Speaker 2>And part of processing it is examining the story. And

0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:10.000
<v Speaker 2>in the beginning I had to tell I told the

0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:11.880
<v Speaker 2>story of like, oh, you know, this was my story.

0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:15.000
<v Speaker 2>But then you know, you have to make things mean

0:17:15.080 --> 0:17:18.040
<v Speaker 2>something else, right, And that's part of how you get

0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:21.159
<v Speaker 2>out of a catastrophe like that.

0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:22.440
<v Speaker 1>That's a great way of putting it. You have to

0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:24.480
<v Speaker 1>find a way to make it mean something else, because

0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:26.679
<v Speaker 1>I think for many people when they're going through the

0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:29.840
<v Speaker 1>thick of pain, especially in a relationship. It's like it's

0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:32.760
<v Speaker 1>so much easier said than done. Like my heart's broken.

0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:35.879
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I am broken. A whole part of

0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:39.359
<v Speaker 1>me has left, And you know, it's it's so hard

0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:42.720
<v Speaker 1>to create meaning from something that has ripped you apart.

0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:45.920
<v Speaker 1>And so it's it's interesting when you have to make

0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:49.280
<v Speaker 1>meaning separate meaning from it, because if you don't, then.

0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:50.560
<v Speaker 3>It is just the pain it is.

0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:53.639
<v Speaker 1>There has to be something else because otherwise there's no

0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:56.040
<v Speaker 1>other explanation for it. Then it is just pain that

0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:58.360
<v Speaker 1>you are supposed to feel, and it's supposed to feel horrible.

0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:01.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And in the beginning, when you're going through that

0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:04.040
<v Speaker 2>acute stage of it, the shock and all of that,

0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:07.159
<v Speaker 2>it is just all emotions. But as you start to

0:18:07.200 --> 0:18:09.560
<v Speaker 2>sort of like come out of that a little bit

0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:12.040
<v Speaker 2>able to i don't know, like live more of like

0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:15.639
<v Speaker 2>your life again, then it's time to re examine the

0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:17.480
<v Speaker 2>story and make some and make it mean something else.

0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:20.600
<v Speaker 2>That's why I feel so passionate about helping some people

0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:24.920
<v Speaker 2>like post divorce or post breakup, like okay, think about

0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:30.000
<v Speaker 2>like for a relationship. For most relationships that end, the

0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:33.560
<v Speaker 2>time leading up to it was really hard. It's a

0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:38.800
<v Speaker 2>lot of endless discussions about the relationship and anxiety, and

0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:43.280
<v Speaker 2>it takes up so much energetic and mental space that

0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:46.760
<v Speaker 2>so I try to help people. Okay, now you don't

0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.199
<v Speaker 2>have to spend your energy on that. Let's see, like,

0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:52.560
<v Speaker 2>do you need to find a greater sense of self? Now,

0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:56.680
<v Speaker 2>let's help you find meaning and purpose in life. That

0:18:56.920 --> 0:18:58.560
<v Speaker 2>so it's a little bit of a rebirth for you.

0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.000
<v Speaker 1>Do you think man is people who have had a breakup.

0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:02.840
<v Speaker 1>Do you think there is like an equation of how

0:19:02.920 --> 0:19:06.159
<v Speaker 1>long you can spend wallowing when it's for you to

0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:07.719
<v Speaker 1>just get up and get going.

0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:12.639
<v Speaker 2>It's so hard to say because it's not linear. Yeah,

0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:15.360
<v Speaker 2>certainly the first couple of months you can wallow.

0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:17.879
<v Speaker 1>Said, it's like half the time of you give your

0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:19.439
<v Speaker 1>saying half the time in the relationship.

0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:20.919
<v Speaker 3>But I'm like, what if you're in a relationship for

0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:21.640
<v Speaker 3>twenty five years?

0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:26.040
<v Speaker 2>So that makes absolutely no sense. It makes absolutely no sense. Eventually,

0:19:26.080 --> 0:19:28.000
<v Speaker 2>you just want to get to the stage where you

0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:30.320
<v Speaker 2>know there's there's steps to healing. Like in the beginning,

0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:32.879
<v Speaker 2>you're just like sometimes you're devastated, right, and so you

0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:35.240
<v Speaker 2>can't even get out of bed, and then other times

0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:38.240
<v Speaker 2>it's just like Okay, I can focus on work today,

0:19:38.480 --> 0:19:40.920
<v Speaker 2>but maybe I like cry myself to sleep a little bit.

0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:43.800
<v Speaker 2>But I was able to do stuff today. But I'll

0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:46.520
<v Speaker 2>just never forget. As I was building this new life

0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:49.720
<v Speaker 2>for myself, I definitely felt hurt because I was also

0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:51.639
<v Speaker 2>mourning the loss of my mom. There was just so

0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:54.560
<v Speaker 2>much and I'll never forget someone saying to me, you know,

0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:58.679
<v Speaker 2>don't deny yourself the privilege of moving on. Those words

0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:01.440
<v Speaker 2>really stuck with me. It's like, why would I do

0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:04.760
<v Speaker 2>that to myself? Why would I deny myself that opportunity

0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:07.080
<v Speaker 2>and privilege to actually move on with my life? And

0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:09.720
<v Speaker 2>so letting go is a process. I'm definitely one of

0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:11.720
<v Speaker 2>those people where it takes a little bit longer to

0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:15.080
<v Speaker 2>let go. But I don't think that's good. I mean,

0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:18.320
<v Speaker 2>I accept myself regardless, but I don't think it's great.

0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:22.399
<v Speaker 2>I think that we have to really I want people

0:20:22.440 --> 0:20:27.160
<v Speaker 2>to teach their children to say next Yeah.

0:20:27.240 --> 0:20:29.000
<v Speaker 1>And the longer you end up sitting in it, the

0:20:29.080 --> 0:20:31.680
<v Speaker 1>longer you're still in it, like you're reliving it over

0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:35.639
<v Speaker 1>and over again. So the pain still feels raw because

0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:38.560
<v Speaker 1>you're still living in that pain day in day out.

0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:40.720
<v Speaker 1>But if you're not pulling yourself out of it. Then,

0:20:40.800 --> 0:20:43.400
<v Speaker 1>of course, even a year later, it can still feel raw,

0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:47.200
<v Speaker 1>just as the day, Yeah, because you're constantly replaying those

0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:48.560
<v Speaker 1>feelings over and over again.

0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:50.720
<v Speaker 2>Yes, And I've spoken to a lot of people or

0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:53.080
<v Speaker 2>people have written into me saying, you know, it's been

0:20:53.160 --> 0:20:55.200
<v Speaker 2>sixty years, like a long time, and I still can't

0:20:55.200 --> 0:20:58.000
<v Speaker 2>stop thinking about my accent every time. Really, every time

0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:01.800
<v Speaker 2>that I've investigated this with someone, they're not mourning their

0:21:01.840 --> 0:21:04.800
<v Speaker 2>ex anymore. They're caught in a story of I'm not

0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:06.680
<v Speaker 2>good enough or I'm not going to meet anyone else,

0:21:06.800 --> 0:21:10.919
<v Speaker 2>or they're not taking life by the reins and living

0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:13.560
<v Speaker 2>life right, and so they think it's about them, but

0:21:13.640 --> 0:21:16.240
<v Speaker 2>really at this point they're just a metaphor for something else.

0:21:16.480 --> 0:21:16.680
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:20.000
<v Speaker 1>I also think sometimes it's creating this narrative so then

0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:21.280
<v Speaker 1>you don't have to.

0:21:21.160 --> 0:21:23.360
<v Speaker 3>Do the work, because it's kind of like that.

0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:25.840
<v Speaker 1>You know, again going back to that where of course

0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:29.719
<v Speaker 1>I still love my ex because putting into another relationship

0:21:29.800 --> 0:21:31.919
<v Speaker 1>is going to be so much work and so much effort.

0:21:32.000 --> 0:21:32.720
<v Speaker 2>That's a very good point.

0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:35.439
<v Speaker 1>So sometimes the pain ends up being an easier option

0:21:35.520 --> 0:21:36.840
<v Speaker 1>than the work that has to be done.

0:21:37.119 --> 0:21:39.199
<v Speaker 2>Yes, because in the pain. At least you're getting some

0:21:39.400 --> 0:21:42.400
<v Speaker 2>you know, you maybe there's some excuses to not put

0:21:42.400 --> 0:21:46.920
<v Speaker 2>yourself out there again, to not take risks again, to yeah,

0:21:47.000 --> 0:21:48.320
<v Speaker 2>to wallow, and to.

0:21:48.320 --> 0:21:51.320
<v Speaker 1>Not forgive because they think sometimes when you let go

0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:54.040
<v Speaker 1>of the pain, you think that means that you're forgiving

0:21:54.040 --> 0:21:57.159
<v Speaker 1>that person and that what they've done is okay. And

0:21:57.200 --> 0:21:59.000
<v Speaker 1>so you're like, well, no, I have to hold onto

0:21:59.000 --> 0:22:02.360
<v Speaker 1>this because even if I'm not telling them, somehow they

0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:04.480
<v Speaker 1>need to know that what they did isn't right. And

0:22:04.520 --> 0:22:06.000
<v Speaker 1>so if I let go of the pain and I

0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:08.560
<v Speaker 1>seem happy, they're going to think that what they did

0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:11.080
<v Speaker 1>was absolutely okay. And so I think there's also this

0:22:11.160 --> 0:22:13.280
<v Speaker 1>guilt that you feel for letting go of the pain

0:22:13.400 --> 0:22:17.080
<v Speaker 1>because but what if that means I'm just giving in

0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:20.119
<v Speaker 1>and allowing them to do what they did to me?

0:22:20.280 --> 0:22:22.240
<v Speaker 2>Yes, totally. We could become a stubborn like.

0:22:22.240 --> 0:22:25.240
<v Speaker 1>This, which brings us onto truth too. The mind is

0:22:25.280 --> 0:22:28.080
<v Speaker 1>a battlefield. You said, stay in your head and your

0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:31.600
<v Speaker 1>relationship is dead. That statement was like, it's like one line,

0:22:31.640 --> 0:22:33.720
<v Speaker 1>but I feel like it has so much meaning to it.

0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:37.120
<v Speaker 1>And how does someone start to get out of their

0:22:37.160 --> 0:22:39.520
<v Speaker 1>head and the stories that they end up telling themselves

0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:41.720
<v Speaker 1>over and over again, Like how do you start shifting

0:22:41.720 --> 0:22:42.240
<v Speaker 1>the narrative?

0:22:42.400 --> 0:22:45.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well it starts with self awareness, which is okay,

0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:47.960
<v Speaker 2>Like some people are very good at just creating a

0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:52.359
<v Speaker 2>negative meaning out of everything. We're storytelling machines, and so

0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:57.080
<v Speaker 2>we want to become better at looking at circumstances that

0:22:57.160 --> 0:23:00.239
<v Speaker 2>might be difficult, whatever that is, and giving it some

0:23:00.280 --> 0:23:03.119
<v Speaker 2>sort of meaning that makes it so that life doesn't

0:23:03.119 --> 0:23:08.800
<v Speaker 2>feel so brutal, honestly or just or meaningless. So it's

0:23:08.800 --> 0:23:12.159
<v Speaker 2>a practice of well, if you really love me, then this,

0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:14.960
<v Speaker 2>or if that person you know, oh that person gave

0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:18.080
<v Speaker 2>me a dirty look, then blah blah blah. So just

0:23:18.119 --> 0:23:19.919
<v Speaker 2>being able to say, oh my god, I'm in my

0:23:20.119 --> 0:23:22.560
<v Speaker 2>head right now, what is that all about? Like why?

0:23:22.720 --> 0:23:24.280
<v Speaker 2>You know? It probably has to do with a stress

0:23:24.280 --> 0:23:26.600
<v Speaker 2>about something else, or you haven't moved your body in

0:23:26.640 --> 0:23:29.080
<v Speaker 2>a long time, or you're dehydrated, or something else is

0:23:29.119 --> 0:23:32.639
<v Speaker 2>bothering you. That is true emotional intelligence. And my book

0:23:32.680 --> 0:23:35.760
<v Speaker 2>is just having that awareness. And so we do need

0:23:35.840 --> 0:23:39.400
<v Speaker 2>daily practices of people. I mean, I actually think one

0:23:39.400 --> 0:23:43.919
<v Speaker 2>of the biggest psychological and epidemics of today is anxiety

0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:48.840
<v Speaker 2>and people and overthinking and it's plaguing our society and

0:23:49.200 --> 0:23:52.560
<v Speaker 2>we need to get ahead of it by regulating our

0:23:52.560 --> 0:23:56.280
<v Speaker 2>nervous system, working out, spending time with friends and nature

0:23:56.400 --> 0:23:59.120
<v Speaker 2>and meditation I think is very important. And even if

0:23:59.119 --> 0:24:02.240
<v Speaker 2>that meditation is just quiet ten minutes a day, but

0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:06.920
<v Speaker 2>in a relationship, most of the time where people are

0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:09.879
<v Speaker 2>having an argument, let's say it's more than just an argument.

0:24:09.960 --> 0:24:11.840
<v Speaker 2>Let's say it's like a it's a pretty heated fight.

0:24:13.160 --> 0:24:16.040
<v Speaker 2>They're not really fighting with each other. They're fighting with

0:24:17.080 --> 0:24:20.600
<v Speaker 2>mom in that moment because that's something they did reminded

0:24:20.600 --> 0:24:24.240
<v Speaker 2>their unconscious of mom. Or they're fighting with you know,

0:24:24.720 --> 0:24:29.080
<v Speaker 2>their ex right, So we're projecting a lot. Really, what

0:24:29.359 --> 0:24:32.480
<v Speaker 2>tends to happens that people no longer fight with each other.

0:24:32.520 --> 0:24:35.959
<v Speaker 2>They fight with the story that they have about each other. Oh,

0:24:36.040 --> 0:24:37.879
<v Speaker 2>I knew that they did this, and we go we

0:24:37.960 --> 0:24:42.920
<v Speaker 2>can really go into such a deep, deep wormhole of despair.

0:24:44.280 --> 0:24:49.880
<v Speaker 2>And I think that just knowing that our minds can

0:24:49.960 --> 0:24:55.560
<v Speaker 2>be incredibly unruly, they really can become a battlefield, and

0:24:55.560 --> 0:25:00.920
<v Speaker 2>that one of the principles of cultivating and maintaining stable

0:25:00.960 --> 0:25:07.439
<v Speaker 2>and healthy relationships is bringing mindfulness to a relationship. And

0:25:07.480 --> 0:25:11.760
<v Speaker 2>part of that is mindfulness is what predicate's mindfulness is

0:25:12.240 --> 0:25:15.399
<v Speaker 2>the understanding that the mind can be a battlefield.

0:25:15.640 --> 0:25:16.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I think you know.

0:25:16.520 --> 0:25:18.000
<v Speaker 1>I remember when I did my yoga te to training

0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:19.960
<v Speaker 1>that always say when you're in your mind, that means

0:25:19.960 --> 0:25:22.440
<v Speaker 1>you're just not present here. Yeah, And so actually, when

0:25:22.480 --> 0:25:26.080
<v Speaker 1>you are anxious, or when you are in your mind constantly,

0:25:26.480 --> 0:25:28.639
<v Speaker 1>there's such a lack of presence. So whether you're in

0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:31.000
<v Speaker 1>your mind while you're arguing with the person, you're not

0:25:31.000 --> 0:25:34.560
<v Speaker 1>even hearing what they're saying, you're just reacting, or whether

0:25:34.600 --> 0:25:36.480
<v Speaker 1>you're in your mind instead of being part of a

0:25:36.480 --> 0:25:39.040
<v Speaker 1>social situation, you feel like you come away lonely because

0:25:39.080 --> 0:25:42.960
<v Speaker 1>you weren't even present, which comes from anxiety. And anxiety

0:25:43.080 --> 0:25:45.320
<v Speaker 1>is when you are constantly there's repeated thoughts in your

0:25:45.359 --> 0:25:47.600
<v Speaker 1>mind over and over again, and so you lack presence.

0:25:48.280 --> 0:25:50.200
<v Speaker 1>And so I completely agree. I think the more present

0:25:50.240 --> 0:25:52.120
<v Speaker 1>we are, the more we're noticing things, the more we're

0:25:52.160 --> 0:25:55.200
<v Speaker 1>noticing I'm making my partner feel uncomfortable here, not I'm

0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:56.560
<v Speaker 1>in my mind right now and I'm thinking about all

0:25:56.560 --> 0:25:59.600
<v Speaker 1>the things I need or Oh, this conversation is actually

0:25:59.640 --> 0:26:01.439
<v Speaker 1>not going in the direction that it should be. I

0:26:01.440 --> 0:26:04.119
<v Speaker 1>need to stop defending myself and comfort the other person.

0:26:04.560 --> 0:26:06.160
<v Speaker 1>If really reminded me of so many times where I've

0:26:06.200 --> 0:26:09.439
<v Speaker 1>been like, what you said, you're bringing things from your

0:26:09.480 --> 0:26:11.480
<v Speaker 1>past into the arguments that you're having in the present.

0:26:11.840 --> 0:26:16.240
<v Speaker 1>I remember at the beginning, Jay's so incredible, but he

0:26:16.640 --> 0:26:19.760
<v Speaker 1>would always try and help me with things, which is

0:26:19.800 --> 0:26:21.760
<v Speaker 1>a very natural thing to do. But in my mind,

0:26:21.840 --> 0:26:23.479
<v Speaker 1>I tell this story a lot, I would be like, no,

0:26:23.520 --> 0:26:24.600
<v Speaker 1>I can do everything myself.

0:26:25.000 --> 0:26:26.720
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's all myself.

0:26:26.840 --> 0:26:27.600
<v Speaker 2>I don't need you.

0:26:27.600 --> 0:26:28.879
<v Speaker 3>You don't need to help me. I can do it

0:26:28.880 --> 0:26:30.160
<v Speaker 3>all myself. And he's like.

0:26:30.200 --> 0:26:31.240
<v Speaker 2>Make them feel terrible.

0:26:31.320 --> 0:26:32.520
<v Speaker 3>Probably He's like.

0:26:32.480 --> 0:26:33.800
<v Speaker 1>I know you can, but I want to do it

0:26:33.840 --> 0:26:36.679
<v Speaker 1>for you. So I would deprive him the ability to

0:26:36.720 --> 0:26:39.000
<v Speaker 1>help me, which is his way of loving me. Yes,

0:26:39.080 --> 0:26:41.520
<v Speaker 1>because I had something to prove, not to him, but

0:26:41.560 --> 0:26:43.120
<v Speaker 1>to other people that used to be in my life.

0:26:43.320 --> 0:26:44.800
<v Speaker 2>Do you know how many women are doing that to

0:26:44.840 --> 0:26:47.520
<v Speaker 2>their male partners right now all the Okay, so I'm

0:26:47.520 --> 0:26:50.800
<v Speaker 2>not alone, Yeah, no you're not. No, it's that happens.

0:26:50.840 --> 0:26:53.239
<v Speaker 2>That's a dynamic that happens a lot. It's because they

0:26:53.240 --> 0:26:56.239
<v Speaker 2>don't they're not recognizing that is love. They're making it

0:26:56.280 --> 0:26:58.560
<v Speaker 2>all about them. And you know, oh, I can take

0:26:58.560 --> 0:27:02.000
<v Speaker 2>care of myself and that whole story, and so we

0:27:02.040 --> 0:27:04.680
<v Speaker 2>have to wake up to those things and be like, oh,

0:27:04.760 --> 0:27:06.440
<v Speaker 2>this is this person trying to love.

0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:09.200
<v Speaker 1>Me, just love me, and maybe I can receive that exactly,

0:27:09.280 --> 0:27:11.639
<v Speaker 1>and not receiving it is actually cutting him off from

0:27:11.960 --> 0:27:14.480
<v Speaker 1>you know, the cycle of love of me receiving it

0:27:14.560 --> 0:27:16.880
<v Speaker 1>and accepting it. And it's just kind of like it's

0:27:16.920 --> 0:27:18.359
<v Speaker 1>literally like him giving me a gift and me just

0:27:18.400 --> 0:27:19.040
<v Speaker 1>throwing it away.

0:27:19.160 --> 0:27:21.360
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:27:21.440 --> 0:27:24.680
<v Speaker 1>The truth three. Lust is not the same as love.

0:27:24.760 --> 0:27:28.199
<v Speaker 1>And this one I think so many people get confused with.

0:27:28.600 --> 0:27:31.359
<v Speaker 1>Could you just define the difference between love and lust?

0:27:31.400 --> 0:27:32.720
<v Speaker 1>And what are the signs of lust?

0:27:33.200 --> 0:27:35.400
<v Speaker 2>Lust is that thing that we feel in the beginning

0:27:35.400 --> 0:27:40.159
<v Speaker 2>when we feel an intense physical attraction to someone and

0:27:40.480 --> 0:27:47.000
<v Speaker 2>we feel alive inside and we feel pretty amazing, until

0:27:47.480 --> 0:27:50.520
<v Speaker 2>you know, it can easily become not amazing. It can

0:27:50.560 --> 0:27:54.520
<v Speaker 2>easily become obsessive. We can easily then become incredibly disregulated.

0:27:55.640 --> 0:27:57.720
<v Speaker 2>And so what kind of starts with all these sort

0:27:57.760 --> 0:28:00.520
<v Speaker 2>of like beautiful love hormones can actually you turn into

0:28:00.560 --> 0:28:04.959
<v Speaker 2>a lot of cortisol and dysregulation and stress. So lust

0:28:05.160 --> 0:28:07.240
<v Speaker 2>when they say that, you know, love makes us crazy.

0:28:07.280 --> 0:28:10.439
<v Speaker 2>I think it's more lust that makes us crazy. So

0:28:10.600 --> 0:28:14.440
<v Speaker 2>lust is that feeling of intense attraction, and we think

0:28:14.520 --> 0:28:18.920
<v Speaker 2>that it's love because we can't stop thinking about the person.

0:28:19.600 --> 0:28:22.480
<v Speaker 2>But really what love, love is way more than just

0:28:22.520 --> 0:28:26.199
<v Speaker 2>a feeling. Love is something that we do. The perfect

0:28:26.240 --> 0:28:28.639
<v Speaker 2>example is the example you share it of Jay wanting

0:28:28.680 --> 0:28:31.000
<v Speaker 2>to do things for you because he's wanting to love,

0:28:31.640 --> 0:28:34.040
<v Speaker 2>and that by you sort of rejecting that because if

0:28:34.040 --> 0:28:37.480
<v Speaker 2>your own past and story, you're sort of blocking the

0:28:37.560 --> 0:28:42.000
<v Speaker 2>flow of love, right. You know, when there's lust, you

0:28:42.080 --> 0:28:44.800
<v Speaker 2>might be like okay, you know fine, you know whatever

0:28:44.880 --> 0:28:47.560
<v Speaker 2>that is, you know, and it's not like passion and

0:28:47.600 --> 0:28:49.880
<v Speaker 2>attraction has to go away, but certainly in a long

0:28:49.960 --> 0:28:54.400
<v Speaker 2>term relationship, it takes mindfulness to keep it alive. And

0:28:54.440 --> 0:28:56.920
<v Speaker 2>in the beginning, like I said, it's just lust is

0:28:56.960 --> 0:29:01.080
<v Speaker 2>also when we're just projecting our ideal onto you know,

0:29:01.160 --> 0:29:04.440
<v Speaker 2>it's like, oh, I met this amazing person, they're just perfect,

0:29:04.480 --> 0:29:06.800
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god. And sometimes that happens because we meet

0:29:06.840 --> 0:29:08.560
<v Speaker 2>someone they have like a few things on our list

0:29:08.600 --> 0:29:11.400
<v Speaker 2>that we want and we go mad over them and

0:29:11.440 --> 0:29:14.240
<v Speaker 2>we put them on a pedestal. We can't stop thinking

0:29:14.240 --> 0:29:18.360
<v Speaker 2>about them and they're a stranger. And love is really

0:29:18.440 --> 0:29:23.080
<v Speaker 2>something that happens after that settles where we want to

0:29:23.120 --> 0:29:26.320
<v Speaker 2>build a life with someone where someone's whole being and

0:29:26.360 --> 0:29:28.959
<v Speaker 2>their needs are very important. There is important to us

0:29:28.960 --> 0:29:30.000
<v Speaker 2>as our own.

0:29:30.440 --> 0:29:34.640
<v Speaker 1>You mistake instability and the unknown with excitement, yes, and

0:29:34.720 --> 0:29:37.120
<v Speaker 1>in love it's kind of like you feel this sudden feel,

0:29:37.240 --> 0:29:43.080
<v Speaker 1>you feel this underlying feeling of stability, yes, and safety yes.

0:29:43.240 --> 0:29:47.000
<v Speaker 1>And I think sometimes lack of safety can feel like

0:29:47.040 --> 0:29:50.280
<v Speaker 1>excitement and lack of the unknown and this like what

0:29:50.520 --> 0:29:52.800
<v Speaker 1>if and you know, you get you get into this

0:29:52.840 --> 0:29:54.640
<v Speaker 1>well wind of the what if, and the what if

0:29:54.720 --> 0:29:59.120
<v Speaker 1>feels really exhilarating and sometimes then when you're used to

0:29:59.160 --> 0:30:02.040
<v Speaker 1>feeling lost. So I have a friend who I talked

0:30:02.040 --> 0:30:04.160
<v Speaker 1>to her about this pretty much on a weekly basis.

0:30:04.160 --> 0:30:06.120
<v Speaker 3>She's really wanting.

0:30:05.920 --> 0:30:08.239
<v Speaker 1>To find a partner, but she keeps saying, I just

0:30:08.320 --> 0:30:10.440
<v Speaker 1>don't feel the way that I've felt in my twenties

0:30:10.480 --> 0:30:12.560
<v Speaker 1>when I meet people in my thirties, Like it just

0:30:12.640 --> 0:30:14.200
<v Speaker 1>isn't that feeling that excitement.

0:30:14.280 --> 0:30:15.560
<v Speaker 3>I don't feel that anymore.

0:30:16.080 --> 0:30:18.320
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, what you felt then, was you becoming

0:30:18.360 --> 0:30:21.200
<v Speaker 1>obsessed with people without you even know you'd have one

0:30:21.240 --> 0:30:23.640
<v Speaker 1>conversation and you'd be obsessed. So you are looking and

0:30:23.680 --> 0:30:27.719
<v Speaker 1>craving for this obsession versus this stability and this feeling

0:30:27.760 --> 0:30:30.400
<v Speaker 1>of safety. And I've fund a lot of my friends

0:30:30.400 --> 0:30:32.040
<v Speaker 1>in there. I wonder what you think about it. Where,

0:30:32.400 --> 0:30:34.720
<v Speaker 1>especially when we were younger, we would be you'd go

0:30:34.760 --> 0:30:36.320
<v Speaker 1>on one day and you start thinking about your wedding.

0:30:36.640 --> 0:30:39.200
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, why do we do that? Where does that even

0:30:39.240 --> 0:30:39.680
<v Speaker 3>come from?

0:30:40.000 --> 0:30:42.640
<v Speaker 2>Because women just because a lot of women want to

0:30:42.640 --> 0:30:44.960
<v Speaker 2>get married and they want the love and the partnership.

0:30:45.240 --> 0:30:48.000
<v Speaker 2>You know. One thing about I'm curious, like with you

0:30:48.040 --> 0:30:50.600
<v Speaker 2>since you brought your friend to this conversation, is she's

0:30:50.640 --> 0:30:53.600
<v Speaker 2>someone who values uncertainty at a high level.

0:30:53.960 --> 0:30:57.360
<v Speaker 1>I think she's used to men who have been uncertain

0:30:57.400 --> 0:30:58.080
<v Speaker 1>in her life.

0:30:58.120 --> 0:31:01.160
<v Speaker 2>But what about outside of men this something? Does she

0:31:01.240 --> 0:31:04.680
<v Speaker 2>seek out adventure? Is she adventurous? Does she get bored easily?

0:31:05.000 --> 0:31:07.600
<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't say she seeks out adventure. The places she's

0:31:07.600 --> 0:31:09.840
<v Speaker 1>the most adventurous are all the men that are the

0:31:09.840 --> 0:31:10.480
<v Speaker 1>opposite of.

0:31:10.400 --> 0:31:13.880
<v Speaker 2>Her, the opposite of her. Yeah, well, so she actually

0:31:13.920 --> 0:31:15.600
<v Speaker 2>has much more of a controlled life.

0:31:15.960 --> 0:31:19.160
<v Speaker 1>Yes, she definitely has a very regular life.

0:31:19.280 --> 0:31:23.280
<v Speaker 2>Yes, right, So, well that very regular life that's filled

0:31:23.320 --> 0:31:26.640
<v Speaker 2>with certainty can also get quite boring. So what she's

0:31:26.640 --> 0:31:28.720
<v Speaker 2>doing is that she's trying to meet her need because

0:31:28.760 --> 0:31:30.959
<v Speaker 2>we all have the need for novelty and adventure and

0:31:31.000 --> 0:31:34.640
<v Speaker 2>the unknown. So she's trying to meet her need for

0:31:34.800 --> 0:31:40.240
<v Speaker 2>the unknown because her life is very predictable through men

0:31:40.440 --> 0:31:44.120
<v Speaker 2>and relationships, as opposed to learning how to meet that need.

0:31:44.320 --> 0:31:47.680
<v Speaker 2>If she actually maybe took some risks in life and

0:31:47.720 --> 0:31:51.240
<v Speaker 2>maybe was a little more leaning towards uncertainty and not

0:31:51.280 --> 0:31:54.240
<v Speaker 2>just certainty, she may not need to find that.

0:31:55.080 --> 0:31:55.960
<v Speaker 3>Take as many risks.

0:31:56.080 --> 0:31:58.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of those risks have

0:31:59.160 --> 0:32:01.000
<v Speaker 1>ended her up in for twenty four hours.

0:32:01.640 --> 0:32:02.640
<v Speaker 3>She knows what I'm talking about.

0:32:03.960 --> 0:32:05.360
<v Speaker 1>You know, when I was talking about the love in

0:32:05.400 --> 0:32:08.400
<v Speaker 1>your twenties versus thirties, I was reading about this, and

0:32:08.480 --> 0:32:10.080
<v Speaker 1>I don't know whether you know more about it, but

0:32:10.800 --> 0:32:12.640
<v Speaker 1>it says how our hormones when we were in our

0:32:12.680 --> 0:32:15.000
<v Speaker 1>teenag years and when we're in our young years, they're

0:32:15.040 --> 0:32:19.160
<v Speaker 1>completely different, and because they are kind of coming into ourselves, Yeah,

0:32:19.240 --> 0:32:22.479
<v Speaker 1>there's so much more erratic, and so that obsessiveness actually

0:32:22.480 --> 0:32:24.920
<v Speaker 1>comes a lot easier when you are in your teenage

0:32:24.960 --> 0:32:28.680
<v Speaker 1>years and when you're getting the first feelings of liking someone.

0:32:28.760 --> 0:32:31.440
<v Speaker 1>And so when you've been through a few relationships or

0:32:31.640 --> 0:32:33.440
<v Speaker 1>you felt that feeling quite a few times between your

0:32:33.440 --> 0:32:36.160
<v Speaker 1>twenties and your thirties, once you get to your thirties

0:32:36.240 --> 0:32:41.640
<v Speaker 1>or your forties, actually you don't have that intense hormonal

0:32:41.760 --> 0:32:42.880
<v Speaker 1>attraction anymore.

0:32:43.040 --> 0:32:45.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well I know people who do have that, yeah,

0:32:45.440 --> 0:32:47.680
<v Speaker 2>in their thirties and forties. But yes, that does track.

0:32:47.760 --> 0:32:50.960
<v Speaker 2>I mean, look, it's also part of like immaturity, right,

0:32:51.280 --> 0:32:54.040
<v Speaker 2>we're at that age, and yeah, I mean that definitely

0:32:54.480 --> 0:32:58.560
<v Speaker 2>makes sense. There is some biological stuff to that. I mean,

0:32:58.760 --> 0:33:03.280
<v Speaker 2>the presence of means that women create more oxytocin, and

0:33:03.320 --> 0:33:05.080
<v Speaker 2>so that's more of the bonding hormone.

0:33:05.120 --> 0:33:08.920
<v Speaker 1>So there's yeah, yeah, it makes sense. Do you believe

0:33:09.560 --> 0:33:11.040
<v Speaker 1>that there is such thing as the One?

0:33:11.160 --> 0:33:11.960
<v Speaker 2>No?

0:33:11.960 --> 0:33:13.280
<v Speaker 3>No, okay, Please tell me more.

0:33:14.640 --> 0:33:17.200
<v Speaker 2>What do people think of when they think of the One?

0:33:17.320 --> 0:33:19.600
<v Speaker 2>They think of this person who's going to come into

0:33:19.640 --> 0:33:24.280
<v Speaker 2>their life make all their problems disappear, and that they

0:33:24.400 --> 0:33:28.360
<v Speaker 2>are this is unconscious. They think that this person is

0:33:28.480 --> 0:33:32.760
<v Speaker 2>going to be more evolved than them and is almost

0:33:32.800 --> 0:33:36.360
<v Speaker 2>going to be close to almost like a parental figure

0:33:36.520 --> 0:33:38.480
<v Speaker 2>in that way that they're going to come and fill

0:33:38.560 --> 0:33:42.680
<v Speaker 2>all our voids and that when we find our soulmate,

0:33:42.960 --> 0:33:46.200
<v Speaker 2>everything is fine, and that's not true. I mean, and

0:33:46.240 --> 0:33:48.400
<v Speaker 2>there's also many the ones. There's the one that you

0:33:48.440 --> 0:33:50.480
<v Speaker 2>were with when you were sixteen, there's the one that

0:33:50.760 --> 0:33:53.760
<v Speaker 2>some people got married to and then later divorced, and

0:33:54.600 --> 0:33:57.000
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's also it says like if you're with

0:33:57.160 --> 0:34:01.760
<v Speaker 2>the one, then you are guaranteed the relationship you want,

0:34:02.480 --> 0:34:06.480
<v Speaker 2>and that is not true. And that probably is like

0:34:06.720 --> 0:34:11.640
<v Speaker 2>the biggest problem with that concept that erodes are understanding

0:34:11.920 --> 0:34:16.160
<v Speaker 2>of what love is. And so with the person who

0:34:16.239 --> 0:34:19.399
<v Speaker 2>is right for you, you still have to show up

0:34:20.000 --> 0:34:23.400
<v Speaker 2>and your problems are still going to be there, and

0:34:23.480 --> 0:34:27.200
<v Speaker 2>you still have to participate in there and nurture the relationship.

0:34:27.960 --> 0:34:29.879
<v Speaker 2>I know. I think if we thought there's just one

0:34:29.920 --> 0:34:34.839
<v Speaker 2>person for us, that's a very depressing perspective because then

0:34:36.080 --> 0:34:40.560
<v Speaker 2>waiting and waiting, they or they tell themselves, the hypnotize

0:34:40.560 --> 0:34:43.759
<v Speaker 2>themselves into believing that the person who they lost is

0:34:43.800 --> 0:34:46.040
<v Speaker 2>the one and so there's no one else for them

0:34:46.040 --> 0:34:47.480
<v Speaker 2>and that's tragic.

0:34:47.600 --> 0:34:50.200
<v Speaker 1>And then trying to mimic those feelings in someone else

0:34:50.239 --> 0:34:51.880
<v Speaker 1>and thinking that's what I have to feel in the

0:34:51.920 --> 0:34:55.279
<v Speaker 1>next relationship. Yes, I think that's something that people have

0:34:55.320 --> 0:34:57.239
<v Speaker 1>struggled with that I've spoken to too, and I don't

0:34:57.239 --> 0:34:58.600
<v Speaker 1>feel the same as I did when I was in

0:34:58.600 --> 0:35:01.759
<v Speaker 1>that relationship. But each person is so different so it

0:35:01.760 --> 0:35:04.799
<v Speaker 1>doesn't have to be a replication of that. You can

0:35:04.840 --> 0:35:07.000
<v Speaker 1>have a different type of relationship and it can still

0:35:07.040 --> 0:35:07.799
<v Speaker 1>be considered love.

0:35:08.000 --> 0:35:11.239
<v Speaker 2>Yes, absolutely, and ultimately we choose so the one will

0:35:11.280 --> 0:35:13.160
<v Speaker 2>be yeah, oh yeah, And.

0:35:13.080 --> 0:35:13.960
<v Speaker 3>How do you choose that?

0:35:14.440 --> 0:35:17.480
<v Speaker 1>Like, what if someone's trying to attract a partner right

0:35:17.480 --> 0:35:18.280
<v Speaker 1>now in their life.

0:35:18.680 --> 0:35:21.000
<v Speaker 3>You're saying you choose that? What is that process?

0:35:21.640 --> 0:35:25.000
<v Speaker 2>It's emotions, but it's also a process of discernment. It's

0:35:25.160 --> 0:35:27.560
<v Speaker 2>very important to know what it is that you want

0:35:27.760 --> 0:35:31.200
<v Speaker 2>in a relationship and what it is that you need. Specifically,

0:35:31.239 --> 0:35:34.080
<v Speaker 2>if you're someone who doesn't have the best track record,

0:35:34.239 --> 0:35:36.719
<v Speaker 2>or you've been single a long time and you really

0:35:36.719 --> 0:35:39.080
<v Speaker 2>want to meet someone, know what you want and what

0:35:39.120 --> 0:35:42.239
<v Speaker 2>you need, but don't have a whole list of what

0:35:42.320 --> 0:35:44.520
<v Speaker 2>this person looks like, or you know they know how

0:35:44.520 --> 0:35:47.160
<v Speaker 2>to work or screwdriver or whatever it is. You have

0:35:47.360 --> 0:35:50.680
<v Speaker 2>to like, we have to be very very clear about

0:35:50.680 --> 0:35:54.239
<v Speaker 2>what's tolerable and what's intolerable right, and then have a

0:35:54.280 --> 0:35:58.279
<v Speaker 2>lot of flexibility and open mindedness about the rest. But

0:35:58.520 --> 0:36:01.520
<v Speaker 2>do get very clear about what your non negotiables are

0:36:01.560 --> 0:36:02.879
<v Speaker 2>and what your deal breakers are.

0:36:03.280 --> 0:36:05.920
<v Speaker 1>What do you consider Do you think everyone's deal breakers

0:36:06.160 --> 0:36:07.000
<v Speaker 1>are going to be different?

0:36:07.120 --> 0:36:08.680
<v Speaker 2>Yes, yeah, definitely.

0:36:08.960 --> 0:36:12.240
<v Speaker 1>It's so interesting to him because I feel like there's

0:36:12.360 --> 0:36:14.879
<v Speaker 1>so many people, especially online, that are like, these should

0:36:14.920 --> 0:36:17.080
<v Speaker 1>be the non negotiables, and you know, you have your lists,

0:36:17.080 --> 0:36:19.400
<v Speaker 1>and I think people are so swayed by other people's

0:36:19.400 --> 0:36:21.440
<v Speaker 1>opinions when actually if they think they're like maybe I

0:36:21.440 --> 0:36:24.480
<v Speaker 1>actually I am okay with this, and maybe this isn't how

0:36:24.640 --> 0:36:28.000
<v Speaker 1>I see it. Like I know, when I started dating Jay,

0:36:28.160 --> 0:36:29.600
<v Speaker 1>he was like, the one thing I'm just going to

0:36:29.640 --> 0:36:31.160
<v Speaker 1>tell you now, these are the things that I know

0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:32.759
<v Speaker 1>I won't be able to do. And he told me

0:36:32.760 --> 0:36:35.000
<v Speaker 1>all that Who's like, I will not get in the kitchen.

0:36:35.520 --> 0:36:37.360
<v Speaker 1>It's not because I think you should be in the kitchen,

0:36:37.520 --> 0:36:39.680
<v Speaker 1>but I really don't enjoy it, and I will wash up,

0:36:39.680 --> 0:36:40.600
<v Speaker 1>but I will not cook.

0:36:41.120 --> 0:36:42.920
<v Speaker 3>And I was actually so fine with it.

0:36:43.360 --> 0:36:46.400
<v Speaker 1>Then some of the other women in my life are like,

0:36:46.640 --> 0:36:49.400
<v Speaker 1>but what about if you want him to cook for you? Like,

0:36:49.880 --> 0:36:51.759
<v Speaker 1>what about if you, But don't you think that it's

0:36:51.840 --> 0:36:53.880
<v Speaker 1>unfair that he doesn't want to cook in the kitchen.

0:36:54.000 --> 0:36:57.600
<v Speaker 2>And that's all their belief system and all their conditioning,

0:36:57.920 --> 0:37:00.520
<v Speaker 2>and you've got to turn down the volume of that

0:37:00.719 --> 0:37:02.279
<v Speaker 2>noise and just decide what's right for you.

0:37:02.360 --> 0:37:04.040
<v Speaker 1>So come home, and I'd be like, so, Jo, but

0:37:04.080 --> 0:37:05.799
<v Speaker 1>what about if I got sick? Would you cook for me?

0:37:05.800 --> 0:37:07.239
<v Speaker 1>Then he goes, no, I would get someone to cook

0:37:07.239 --> 0:37:08.480
<v Speaker 1>for you, and I'd make sure they have the best

0:37:08.520 --> 0:37:09.040
<v Speaker 1>meals for you.

0:37:09.239 --> 0:37:11.719
<v Speaker 3>Yes, but what if I really wanted you to make

0:37:11.760 --> 0:37:12.440
<v Speaker 3>my suit for me?

0:37:12.920 --> 0:37:15.040
<v Speaker 1>But I've just said, like, that's not something I feel

0:37:15.080 --> 0:37:17.640
<v Speaker 1>comfortable doing. Yeah, But and I was like, I'm so

0:37:17.800 --> 0:37:19.880
<v Speaker 1>okay with it. But it was so interesting because I

0:37:19.880 --> 0:37:23.040
<v Speaker 1>started seeing the shift of my beliefs or what I

0:37:23.080 --> 0:37:26.200
<v Speaker 1>was okay with all my non negotiables because other people

0:37:26.280 --> 0:37:27.080
<v Speaker 1>thought that should have.

0:37:27.080 --> 0:37:27.920
<v Speaker 3>Been a non negotiable.

0:37:27.960 --> 0:37:28.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, exactly.

0:37:28.600 --> 0:37:31.600
<v Speaker 1>So it's also ending how much that can shift based

0:37:31.640 --> 0:37:33.680
<v Speaker 1>on how much you take in other people's values.

0:37:33.840 --> 0:37:37.319
<v Speaker 2>That's a very very excellent point. I would say that

0:37:37.400 --> 0:37:40.719
<v Speaker 2>maybe universally, if you want, there's certain principles that are

0:37:40.760 --> 0:37:44.080
<v Speaker 2>really important for long term partnership, Like I don't know

0:37:44.239 --> 0:37:49.280
<v Speaker 2>saying values similar values kindness, you know, kindness, respect, trust,

0:37:49.360 --> 0:37:51.840
<v Speaker 2>those things. But beyond that, it's very personal.

0:37:51.960 --> 0:37:54.479
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it definitely is. I would love to switch gears

0:37:54.520 --> 0:37:58.920
<v Speaker 1>to breakups. You talk about healing from past relationships. What

0:37:59.040 --> 0:38:02.080
<v Speaker 1>do you find the common mistakes people make when they're

0:38:02.080 --> 0:38:05.200
<v Speaker 1>trying to heal from previous relationships before they get into

0:38:05.200 --> 0:38:05.720
<v Speaker 1>new ones.

0:38:05.920 --> 0:38:08.440
<v Speaker 2>A big one is not taking the time to self

0:38:08.480 --> 0:38:12.880
<v Speaker 2>reflect on what happened, understanding. You know, some people they

0:38:12.920 --> 0:38:15.360
<v Speaker 2>really need to understand where the other person was wrong.

0:38:16.480 --> 0:38:19.400
<v Speaker 2>You have to also understand where maybe you've contributed to

0:38:19.480 --> 0:38:22.040
<v Speaker 2>the demise of the relationship. So it's really and I'm

0:38:22.080 --> 0:38:23.600
<v Speaker 2>not saying you need to do this for years and

0:38:23.680 --> 0:38:25.600
<v Speaker 2>years and years, but you do need to take some

0:38:25.680 --> 0:38:29.360
<v Speaker 2>time to just self reflect. I would say for a

0:38:29.400 --> 0:38:33.200
<v Speaker 2>lot of women, a big mistake is that they grieve

0:38:33.280 --> 0:38:37.280
<v Speaker 2>too long. I forgot what the stat was, but something

0:38:37.320 --> 0:38:40.000
<v Speaker 2>like the average of like it takes women like after

0:38:40.040 --> 0:38:42.959
<v Speaker 2>a marriage seven years or something insane to get into

0:38:42.960 --> 0:38:47.120
<v Speaker 2>a new relationship. So I would really love for those

0:38:47.160 --> 0:38:51.840
<v Speaker 2>women to not deny themselves that privilege of moving on

0:38:51.920 --> 0:38:53.719
<v Speaker 2>and opening up their hearts again. But I would say

0:38:53.800 --> 0:38:55.640
<v Speaker 2>not self reflecting is a big one.

0:38:55.680 --> 0:38:57.000
<v Speaker 3>And do you work with both men and women?

0:38:57.160 --> 0:38:58.920
<v Speaker 1>I do have mean, you know, just a big difference

0:38:59.080 --> 0:39:04.440
<v Speaker 1>in the ability to move on that's different between between

0:39:04.440 --> 0:39:04.959
<v Speaker 1>men and women.

0:39:05.080 --> 0:39:09.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, men tend to move on get into relationships much quickly,

0:39:09.880 --> 0:39:14.440
<v Speaker 2>much more quickly than women. Part of that is because

0:39:15.320 --> 0:39:18.520
<v Speaker 2>women tend to be more comfortable with really feeling their

0:39:18.560 --> 0:39:22.280
<v Speaker 2>feelings and maybe sometimes even being in their feelings too long,

0:39:22.600 --> 0:39:26.880
<v Speaker 2>whereas men typically have an easier time suppressing their feelings

0:39:26.920 --> 0:39:30.680
<v Speaker 2>and then they start to feel it later. Another theory

0:39:30.719 --> 0:39:32.959
<v Speaker 2>that I think is really interesting that why men tend

0:39:33.000 --> 0:39:36.520
<v Speaker 2>to can easily jump into a relationship after a hard

0:39:36.560 --> 0:39:40.680
<v Speaker 2>breakup is a lot of men value their freedom above

0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:44.120
<v Speaker 2>anything else, and a lot of men will value freedom

0:39:44.160 --> 0:39:48.400
<v Speaker 2>more than women value freedom, and so when a relationship ends,

0:39:49.239 --> 0:39:52.879
<v Speaker 2>it's almost like even though they can be sad, and

0:39:53.040 --> 0:39:55.520
<v Speaker 2>of course I'm not talking about every man out there,

0:39:55.560 --> 0:39:59.600
<v Speaker 2>every guy out there, but they're able to really embrace

0:39:59.680 --> 0:40:02.440
<v Speaker 2>their freedom more whereas women are like, I don't want it,

0:40:02.480 --> 0:40:03.880
<v Speaker 2>I don't want it, like I just want to be

0:40:03.920 --> 0:40:07.040
<v Speaker 2>with this person, and so they feel it's almost like

0:40:07.160 --> 0:40:10.520
<v Speaker 2>they are there's a part of them that feels more

0:40:10.600 --> 0:40:14.080
<v Speaker 2>comfortable with that breakup, and so then they're able to

0:40:14.160 --> 0:40:17.080
<v Speaker 2>get almost get over it. But of course men are

0:40:17.440 --> 0:40:20.759
<v Speaker 2>humans too, right, We're all humans, and everybody wants closeness,

0:40:20.760 --> 0:40:22.520
<v Speaker 2>and so they're just able to just kind of go

0:40:22.600 --> 0:40:23.399
<v Speaker 2>there again, do.

0:40:23.360 --> 0:40:26.640
<v Speaker 1>You think there is a specific protocol that people should

0:40:26.640 --> 0:40:29.759
<v Speaker 1>do when they break up with someone, so like no contact?

0:40:30.120 --> 0:40:32.920
<v Speaker 1>Do you think no contact is necessary as a clean

0:40:32.960 --> 0:40:35.279
<v Speaker 1>break from the person when you break up with them

0:40:35.400 --> 0:40:36.800
<v Speaker 1>or can people be friends with eggs?

0:40:37.360 --> 0:40:42.520
<v Speaker 2>I think everything is nuanced and contextual. So you can't

0:40:42.560 --> 0:40:44.759
<v Speaker 2>go no contact if you have a family, if you

0:40:44.760 --> 0:40:48.040
<v Speaker 2>have children, So there's that. What I have found is

0:40:48.080 --> 0:40:52.560
<v Speaker 2>that a period of no contact is very, very very helpful.

0:40:53.480 --> 0:40:56.760
<v Speaker 2>But if you had a marriage and a long term relationship,

0:40:57.080 --> 0:41:00.160
<v Speaker 2>it's really hard to just switch that off. And some breakups,

0:41:00.840 --> 0:41:04.560
<v Speaker 2>some breakups happen over a span of several months, but

0:41:04.680 --> 0:41:10.400
<v Speaker 2>I will say it does more times than not really help.

0:41:10.840 --> 0:41:16.960
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, people struggle with that. I know it can bounce back. Yeah.

0:41:17.080 --> 0:41:19.279
<v Speaker 1>Do you think the idea that love is enough can

0:41:19.360 --> 0:41:21.920
<v Speaker 1>hold together a relationship or can you love someone and

0:41:21.960 --> 0:41:23.839
<v Speaker 1>realize that actually they're not the.

0:41:23.800 --> 0:41:25.680
<v Speaker 3>Right person for you? Can both be true?

0:41:25.840 --> 0:41:29.279
<v Speaker 2>Yes, both can be true. Relationships actually rarely end because

0:41:29.320 --> 0:41:33.320
<v Speaker 2>of lack of love. They more commonly end because people

0:41:34.080 --> 0:41:38.480
<v Speaker 2>don't feel seen, they feel misunderstood, they feel so helpless.

0:41:38.600 --> 0:41:42.160
<v Speaker 2>They go into a state of learned helplessness where they

0:41:42.200 --> 0:41:45.399
<v Speaker 2>don't see a way out of the pain that they're

0:41:45.400 --> 0:41:50.240
<v Speaker 2>in with this other person. It's not always the falling

0:41:50.280 --> 0:41:53.799
<v Speaker 2>out of love, and sometimes it's sometimes the love is

0:41:53.920 --> 0:41:58.400
<v Speaker 2>so strong, but the attraction is gone, so you don't

0:41:58.640 --> 0:42:02.520
<v Speaker 2>feel motivated to meet that person's needs because they don't

0:42:02.800 --> 0:42:05.960
<v Speaker 2>they You just don't feel that passionate love towards them anymore.

0:42:07.640 --> 0:42:09.759
<v Speaker 3>I wanted to move one to truthful. You have to

0:42:09.800 --> 0:42:10.600
<v Speaker 3>love yourself.

0:42:10.880 --> 0:42:13.239
<v Speaker 1>Yes, you said what you accept in a tract is

0:42:13.280 --> 0:42:16.040
<v Speaker 1>a reflection of what you deep down believe you deserve.

0:42:16.360 --> 0:42:19.600
<v Speaker 1>Why do you think people with that in mind, why

0:42:19.640 --> 0:42:22.840
<v Speaker 1>do people accept abuse in relationships over and over again?

0:42:23.160 --> 0:42:24.279
<v Speaker 1>Where does that stem from?

0:42:24.440 --> 0:42:26.960
<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm going to answer that question, yes, but I

0:42:27.040 --> 0:42:29.360
<v Speaker 2>want to just add something, which is that I don't

0:42:29.360 --> 0:42:31.680
<v Speaker 2>believe that. I do say in the book that there's

0:42:31.719 --> 0:42:33.840
<v Speaker 2>two camps of thought you have to complete. One is

0:42:33.880 --> 0:42:36.360
<v Speaker 2>you have to completely love yourself and feel whole in

0:42:36.440 --> 0:42:39.600
<v Speaker 2>order to be in a relationship. The other one is no, no, no,

0:42:39.600 --> 0:42:41.200
<v Speaker 2>you don't have to love yourself. You learn to love

0:42:41.200 --> 0:42:44.000
<v Speaker 2>yourself through relationships. And I don't believe it's so binary.

0:42:44.040 --> 0:42:45.879
<v Speaker 2>I believe it's somewhere in the middle. You don't have

0:42:45.960 --> 0:42:49.040
<v Speaker 2>to completely love everything about yourself and be totally healed

0:42:49.080 --> 0:42:52.960
<v Speaker 2>to be in a relationship. But getting to abusive relationships,

0:42:52.960 --> 0:42:55.560
<v Speaker 2>I've never known a person who's been in a very

0:42:55.680 --> 0:42:59.520
<v Speaker 2>unhealthy relationship and or an abusive relationship who also did

0:42:59.520 --> 0:43:01.960
<v Speaker 2>not strug to accept who they are and love to

0:43:02.000 --> 0:43:07.239
<v Speaker 2>love themselves. So why do people stay in abusive relationships?

0:43:07.239 --> 0:43:08.439
<v Speaker 2>That was the question, right, Yeah.

0:43:08.440 --> 0:43:12.120
<v Speaker 1>I just see so many successful, ambitious women who see

0:43:12.160 --> 0:43:15.200
<v Speaker 1>what they've got it all together and they end up

0:43:15.239 --> 0:43:19.080
<v Speaker 1>in severely physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

0:43:19.080 --> 0:43:23.759
<v Speaker 2>Shocking, right. So it's interesting how we can have so

0:43:23.880 --> 0:43:26.160
<v Speaker 2>much confidence in one area of our life and then

0:43:26.200 --> 0:43:29.680
<v Speaker 2>another area of life we just don't. There's a few reasons.

0:43:29.760 --> 0:43:33.000
<v Speaker 2>One is that's how they saw their parents do it.

0:43:33.800 --> 0:43:38.279
<v Speaker 2>Another one is that they just don't see themselves as

0:43:38.360 --> 0:43:41.319
<v Speaker 2>worthy in that way. They don't see themselves as deserving

0:43:41.360 --> 0:43:46.040
<v Speaker 2>of love. Maybe they've never seen it. Sometimes people stay

0:43:46.040 --> 0:43:49.480
<v Speaker 2>in these relationships because they don't know the way out.

0:43:51.120 --> 0:43:54.560
<v Speaker 2>Maybe they're afraid that there's going to be some sort

0:43:54.600 --> 0:43:59.480
<v Speaker 2>of repercussion or consequence. Yeah, But most times it means

0:44:00.320 --> 0:44:04.359
<v Speaker 2>something needs to be looked at within about why you

0:44:04.400 --> 0:44:08.120
<v Speaker 2>tolerate that. And sometimes you see there's a lot in

0:44:08.160 --> 0:44:12.880
<v Speaker 2>women they just are so empathetic. And what it is

0:44:12.880 --> 0:44:14.840
<v Speaker 2>is that So we can't just reduce it to we

0:44:14.880 --> 0:44:17.960
<v Speaker 2>don't love yourself. But what we can say is there

0:44:17.960 --> 0:44:22.239
<v Speaker 2>are some people who are so adept at seeing the

0:44:22.280 --> 0:44:29.040
<v Speaker 2>good in others, yes, that they are able to ignore

0:44:29.400 --> 0:44:31.319
<v Speaker 2>what's really right in front of them.

0:44:32.000 --> 0:44:34.440
<v Speaker 3>But he's got such a good heart, and I know

0:44:34.520 --> 0:44:37.200
<v Speaker 3>that do better. Yeah, I know he wants to be

0:44:37.239 --> 0:44:37.800
<v Speaker 3>a better.

0:44:37.600 --> 0:44:41.920
<v Speaker 1>Person and less exactly, just constantly see that, and it's

0:44:43.960 --> 0:44:46.560
<v Speaker 1>and it trumps the feeling that it's making you feel

0:44:46.560 --> 0:44:50.120
<v Speaker 1>about yourself exactly. You can just lose yourself in this

0:44:50.280 --> 0:44:52.920
<v Speaker 1>idea that you can. I think it goes back to

0:44:52.960 --> 0:44:55.759
<v Speaker 1>the feeling of wanting to better someone else and you

0:44:55.880 --> 0:44:58.480
<v Speaker 1>thinking that you can fix that person, yes, And so

0:44:58.560 --> 0:45:00.920
<v Speaker 1>you think I can fix this person and I know

0:45:01.040 --> 0:45:04.120
<v Speaker 1>that they are worth fixing, yes, And so it's I

0:45:04.160 --> 0:45:06.799
<v Speaker 1>know that this is just because that they're having a

0:45:06.960 --> 0:45:08.960
<v Speaker 1>bad time in life right now, and you kind of

0:45:08.960 --> 0:45:11.719
<v Speaker 1>compartmentalize it too, that they're a good human and I

0:45:11.760 --> 0:45:14.480
<v Speaker 1>can help them and these things are just that stemming

0:45:14.560 --> 0:45:18.719
<v Speaker 1>from their deep rooted issues versus this.

0:45:18.680 --> 0:45:19.480
<v Speaker 3>Is actually abuse.

0:45:19.719 --> 0:45:23.960
<v Speaker 1>Yes, yeah, it's have How have you seen people come

0:45:24.000 --> 0:45:24.520
<v Speaker 1>out of that?

0:45:24.880 --> 0:45:25.799
<v Speaker 3>In the work that you do.

0:45:26.200 --> 0:45:34.799
<v Speaker 2>It's difficult. It's helping the person recognize that that they

0:45:34.840 --> 0:45:39.640
<v Speaker 2>can learn to differentiate between that you can have compassion

0:45:39.719 --> 0:45:42.720
<v Speaker 2>for this person and you can empathize with this person,

0:45:43.280 --> 0:45:46.040
<v Speaker 2>and you can also do that from a distance, right,

0:45:46.680 --> 0:45:50.160
<v Speaker 2>And that's sort of the recovery work and codependency and

0:45:50.400 --> 0:45:53.520
<v Speaker 2>alcoholism and all of that is learning how to detach

0:45:53.640 --> 0:45:57.600
<v Speaker 2>with love and learning how to say, Okay, this is

0:45:57.719 --> 0:46:01.759
<v Speaker 2>not going to work, but it's It's also there's more

0:46:01.800 --> 0:46:05.359
<v Speaker 2>to it because in order to be constantly focusing on

0:46:05.400 --> 0:46:09.480
<v Speaker 2>the other, there is inherently a neglect of the self.

0:46:10.719 --> 0:46:15.000
<v Speaker 2>So it's also helping the person return to their life

0:46:15.040 --> 0:46:18.120
<v Speaker 2>and theirselfs themselves and what they want to build in life.

0:46:19.040 --> 0:46:22.279
<v Speaker 2>And depending on the situation it could be it can

0:46:22.320 --> 0:46:22.920
<v Speaker 2>be difficult.

0:46:23.480 --> 0:46:26.239
<v Speaker 1>And for a woman who wants to stop rebuilding her

0:46:26.239 --> 0:46:29.560
<v Speaker 1>relationship with herself, how do you do you have any

0:46:29.600 --> 0:46:34.040
<v Speaker 1>specific practices or ways that whether it's journaling, whatever, is

0:46:34.080 --> 0:46:37.000
<v Speaker 1>any cues that you can give to someone on how

0:46:37.000 --> 0:46:39.280
<v Speaker 1>they can stop changing that perception of what they deserve.

0:46:39.719 --> 0:46:43.279
<v Speaker 2>One of the hardest questions to answer for everyone is

0:46:43.920 --> 0:46:47.520
<v Speaker 2>what do I want? Yeah, but you need to reflect

0:46:47.560 --> 0:46:51.280
<v Speaker 2>on that and maybe what you to make the question

0:46:51.560 --> 0:46:56.360
<v Speaker 2>easier to answer is what would make me feel more fulfilled?

0:46:57.520 --> 0:47:00.279
<v Speaker 2>What would make me feel more connected, what would make

0:47:00.360 --> 0:47:04.600
<v Speaker 2>my life a little bit more fun? And you start

0:47:04.640 --> 0:47:07.399
<v Speaker 2>to think about that, and by doing that you start

0:47:07.440 --> 0:47:10.520
<v Speaker 2>to learn how to meet your own needs. Right, and

0:47:10.560 --> 0:47:13.160
<v Speaker 2>then of course journaling. And for some people this is

0:47:13.200 --> 0:47:15.279
<v Speaker 2>not for everyone. Some people are like, this doesn't work,

0:47:15.280 --> 0:47:17.799
<v Speaker 2>and other people they say, this is amazing, looking in

0:47:17.840 --> 0:47:20.000
<v Speaker 2>the mirror and saying I love you. Some people are like,

0:47:20.040 --> 0:47:21.279
<v Speaker 2>I absolutely cannot do that.

0:47:21.360 --> 0:47:23.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, this is so craze.

0:47:23.280 --> 0:47:25.880
<v Speaker 2>This is so cringe. But some people really get into

0:47:25.960 --> 0:47:30.680
<v Speaker 2>it and building community, building building community. I think that,

0:47:31.120 --> 0:47:33.680
<v Speaker 2>you know, bringing back this concept of freedom and women

0:47:33.760 --> 0:47:38.000
<v Speaker 2>who stay in abusive relationships, I think it really behooves

0:47:38.000 --> 0:47:42.200
<v Speaker 2>women to value freedom more than they typically do and

0:47:42.280 --> 0:47:45.920
<v Speaker 2>to value purpose more than they typically do. Right, it

0:47:46.000 --> 0:47:48.480
<v Speaker 2>kind of develops if you will sort of like their

0:47:48.520 --> 0:47:51.239
<v Speaker 2>healthy masculine side. I don't even know if we would

0:47:51.280 --> 0:47:55.040
<v Speaker 2>call that the masculine side anymore anyway, but you know, yeah.

0:47:55.000 --> 0:47:56.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, okay, there's a great tip.

0:47:56.600 --> 0:48:01.200
<v Speaker 1>So looking in the mirror, finding community and asking yourself

0:48:01.360 --> 0:48:04.040
<v Speaker 1>questions about yourself, and yeah, to know yourself.

0:48:03.680 --> 0:48:06.520
<v Speaker 2>And starting a new project like what a passion project

0:48:06.600 --> 0:48:10.200
<v Speaker 2>or hardly anything, it's so incredibly important. And stay very

0:48:10.200 --> 0:48:12.200
<v Speaker 2>close to your friends. Yeah.

0:48:12.360 --> 0:48:15.120
<v Speaker 1>Two five is you must speak up and tell the truth.

0:48:15.880 --> 0:48:18.719
<v Speaker 1>What are some questions that if you're already in a relationship.

0:48:18.719 --> 0:48:20.040
<v Speaker 1>What are some of the questions that we should be

0:48:20.040 --> 0:48:21.360
<v Speaker 1>asking our partners regularly?

0:48:24.719 --> 0:48:26.920
<v Speaker 2>How can I be an amazing partner to you this week?

0:48:27.719 --> 0:48:30.760
<v Speaker 2>What do you need that you're not getting? There's something

0:48:31.200 --> 0:48:33.000
<v Speaker 2>that I would really love for you to do for me.

0:48:33.080 --> 0:48:34.200
<v Speaker 2>Can I tell you what that is?

0:48:34.840 --> 0:48:35.760
<v Speaker 3>There's are great questions.

0:48:35.840 --> 0:48:38.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Funny Jay asks me them like every week. I'm like,

0:48:38.440 --> 0:48:42.800
<v Speaker 1>I need to do that more. I spoke to a

0:48:42.880 --> 0:48:45.719
<v Speaker 1>friend recently. I have some questions that actually have come

0:48:45.760 --> 0:48:48.680
<v Speaker 1>also from I put up a poll online. Ohat, I

0:48:48.719 --> 0:48:50.319
<v Speaker 1>asked questions. But I spoke to your friend recently. He

0:48:50.360 --> 0:48:53.000
<v Speaker 1>was saying that they've been married for years. Both used

0:48:53.000 --> 0:48:56.040
<v Speaker 1>to their usual routines with their kids, but realized that

0:48:56.080 --> 0:48:58.680
<v Speaker 1>they had lost their connection. What can a couple that

0:48:58.760 --> 0:49:00.120
<v Speaker 1>want to rekindle their loved.

0:49:00.560 --> 0:49:03.720
<v Speaker 2>Part of what I hear in that question is it's

0:49:03.760 --> 0:49:08.040
<v Speaker 2>not just rekindling love, is rekindling passion, because when we

0:49:08.040 --> 0:49:10.279
<v Speaker 2>get stuck in the rut of routine, we can lose that.

0:49:10.719 --> 0:49:14.520
<v Speaker 2>They need to do something very fun together, maybe every

0:49:14.520 --> 0:49:17.799
<v Speaker 2>week that has just a little twinge of danger. Now

0:49:17.840 --> 0:49:19.839
<v Speaker 2>I don't mean the kind of danger where you are

0:49:20.000 --> 0:49:22.880
<v Speaker 2>literally putting yourself in danger, but just something that feels

0:49:22.920 --> 0:49:26.120
<v Speaker 2>a little on the edge. Because what's that's going to

0:49:26.160 --> 0:49:28.400
<v Speaker 2>do is spike some cortisol and give you some dopamine

0:49:28.640 --> 0:49:31.240
<v Speaker 2>and then you guys are gonna be like feel very alive,

0:49:31.800 --> 0:49:34.000
<v Speaker 2>and you're going to be doing that together. And that's

0:49:34.160 --> 0:49:35.640
<v Speaker 2>that creates chemistry.

0:49:35.840 --> 0:49:37.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I said to me and Jay always trying to

0:49:37.520 --> 0:49:39.560
<v Speaker 1>do like activities that we've never done before together.

0:49:39.680 --> 0:49:40.279
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's great.

0:49:40.280 --> 0:49:42.719
<v Speaker 1>Every time we don't like, this was so fun doing

0:49:42.760 --> 0:49:45.960
<v Speaker 1>this together, and like whether it's going to a random

0:49:46.040 --> 0:49:48.480
<v Speaker 1>dance class that we never have an intention of doing

0:49:48.560 --> 0:49:51.279
<v Speaker 1>that dance at any other point in life, but it's

0:49:51.320 --> 0:49:54.319
<v Speaker 1>just doing that one dance lesson that one time, or

0:49:54.680 --> 0:49:57.239
<v Speaker 1>going to a pottery class, so like doing going to

0:49:57.320 --> 0:50:00.719
<v Speaker 1>a secret escape room, which I'm horrible at. He's like

0:50:00.880 --> 0:50:03.680
<v Speaker 1>really into And it's just so interesting because you see

0:50:03.680 --> 0:50:05.480
<v Speaker 1>different aspects of each other and you get to have

0:50:05.480 --> 0:50:07.879
<v Speaker 1>a laugh together. Since we always try and get out

0:50:07.920 --> 0:50:10.200
<v Speaker 1>of our comfort zone of why we didn't want to

0:50:10.200 --> 0:50:12.239
<v Speaker 1>sit here and just watch TV together all the time,

0:50:12.400 --> 0:50:15.080
<v Speaker 1>or you know, getting out of your usual routine.

0:50:15.400 --> 0:50:15.759
<v Speaker 2>That's it.

0:50:15.880 --> 0:50:17.600
<v Speaker 3>To see each other in a different light.

0:50:17.880 --> 0:50:19.520
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, that is the name of the game.

0:50:19.640 --> 0:50:22.120
<v Speaker 1>You also say, when we're committed to being in a

0:50:22.120 --> 0:50:25.000
<v Speaker 1>healthy relationship, we do not play games. It's really that simple.

0:50:26.560 --> 0:50:30.520
<v Speaker 1>I feel like games are so subtle sometimes, whether it's

0:50:30.560 --> 0:50:32.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to play this island treatment right now so

0:50:32.480 --> 0:50:34.400
<v Speaker 1>he knows how much I'm upset with him without me

0:50:34.480 --> 0:50:37.600
<v Speaker 1>telling him, or Okay, I'm going to leave this here

0:50:37.680 --> 0:50:39.279
<v Speaker 1>just to annoy her because she's annoyed me. You know,

0:50:39.280 --> 0:50:44.000
<v Speaker 1>there's so many subtle ways of playing games with each other. Manipulation, Yeah, manipulation,

0:50:44.239 --> 0:50:46.520
<v Speaker 1>And I get I don't even know whether I have

0:50:46.520 --> 0:50:48.759
<v Speaker 1>a question in this, but do you think that that

0:50:48.800 --> 0:50:51.200
<v Speaker 1>comes from a lack of ability to communicate with each other?

0:50:51.239 --> 0:50:52.719
<v Speaker 1>What your needs actually are.

0:50:52.960 --> 0:50:56.239
<v Speaker 2>Yes, And it also comes from just a habit of

0:50:56.320 --> 0:50:58.000
<v Speaker 2>punishing your partner.

0:50:58.320 --> 0:50:58.840
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:50:58.920 --> 0:51:02.480
<v Speaker 2>So one of the things that everyone that I always

0:51:02.560 --> 0:51:05.839
<v Speaker 2>encourage people to ask themselves when they're in a relationship

0:51:05.920 --> 0:51:08.400
<v Speaker 2>or if they're reflecting on their past relationships that they're single,

0:51:08.520 --> 0:51:11.960
<v Speaker 2>is so, what is your preferred method of punishment? Meaning

0:51:12.040 --> 0:51:15.080
<v Speaker 2>how do you punish your partner? WHOA when you're upset?

0:51:15.120 --> 0:51:15.600
<v Speaker 2>What do you do?

0:51:17.760 --> 0:51:18.440
<v Speaker 3>I'm quiet?

0:51:18.640 --> 0:51:20.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, quiet, ye, little quiet, I'm quiet.

0:51:21.040 --> 0:51:23.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. And I didn't think of it as a punishment,

0:51:23.560 --> 0:51:25.080
<v Speaker 3>but I can see to him that it feels like

0:51:25.120 --> 0:51:26.959
<v Speaker 3>a punishment because he's such a communicator.

0:51:27.239 --> 0:51:27.439
<v Speaker 2>Huh.

0:51:27.719 --> 0:51:29.759
<v Speaker 3>But for me, I'm like, I'm quie. Are you okay? Yeah,

0:51:29.760 --> 0:51:32.959
<v Speaker 3>I'm fine. Are you sure though, Like, no, I'm fine. Yes.

0:51:33.120 --> 0:51:35.200
<v Speaker 2>But that keeps them clinging, And then there's a part

0:51:35.239 --> 0:51:38.040
<v Speaker 2>of you that like it draws him closer, because if

0:51:38.040 --> 0:51:39.920
<v Speaker 2>we're upset with someone, so a lot of times we're

0:51:40.000 --> 0:51:43.120
<v Speaker 2>upset with someone, what that triggers inside of us is fear.

0:51:43.239 --> 0:51:45.439
<v Speaker 2>Fear that maybe we're not good enough, fear that they're

0:51:45.440 --> 0:51:46.960
<v Speaker 2>going to leave us. Even if we know they're not

0:51:46.960 --> 0:51:49.120
<v Speaker 2>going to leave us, there's some sort of insecurity there,

0:51:49.600 --> 0:51:53.200
<v Speaker 2>so we gain our power by doing that thing that

0:51:53.320 --> 0:51:55.320
<v Speaker 2>makes them give us a lot of attention.

0:51:55.640 --> 0:51:58.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I guess it's also just this little, this feeling

0:51:58.080 --> 0:51:59.440
<v Speaker 1>of Okay, I really want to be loved by I

0:51:59.440 --> 0:52:00.279
<v Speaker 1>don't want to ask for it.

0:52:00.560 --> 0:52:01.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:52:01.239 --> 0:52:03.239
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of that, isn't it. It's like, Okay, I'm

0:52:03.280 --> 0:52:05.759
<v Speaker 1>leaving you all these hints. Yes, I want to be

0:52:05.800 --> 0:52:07.759
<v Speaker 1>loved and I want you to love on me, but

0:52:07.880 --> 0:52:09.399
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to tell you I want it because

0:52:09.400 --> 0:52:11.520
<v Speaker 1>you should just know. And that's kind of like a

0:52:11.560 --> 0:52:13.719
<v Speaker 1>little girl syndrome where it's just such a.

0:52:13.640 --> 0:52:15.520
<v Speaker 2>Little girls syndrome because that's what girls do all the time.

0:52:15.600 --> 0:52:18.359
<v Speaker 2>Let me test them, right, let me test them.

0:52:18.600 --> 0:52:20.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, that cycle needs to stop.

0:52:20.760 --> 0:52:24.840
<v Speaker 2>Follow me, But why are you following you? No?

0:52:24.920 --> 0:52:27.000
<v Speaker 1>I want to be left alone. Five minutes later, why

0:52:27.080 --> 0:52:32.560
<v Speaker 1>is he not coming? Stop playing games? People, stop playing games.

0:52:33.400 --> 0:52:35.759
<v Speaker 1>You talk about the cool girl and good girl mentality.

0:52:35.840 --> 0:52:40.360
<v Speaker 1>I absolutely love that because I think society and the

0:52:40.400 --> 0:52:42.959
<v Speaker 1>way that we are wired is to be cool girl

0:52:43.040 --> 0:52:43.560
<v Speaker 1>or good girl.

0:52:43.680 --> 0:52:45.600
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, can you please explain the two?

0:52:46.440 --> 0:52:48.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so the cool girl is sort of like nothing

0:52:48.960 --> 0:52:52.360
<v Speaker 2>bothers her and she can go out with the guys

0:52:52.360 --> 0:52:54.359
<v Speaker 2>and drink a bunch of beers and be like one

0:52:54.360 --> 0:52:56.000
<v Speaker 2>of the dudes, if you know, if she dates men

0:52:56.160 --> 0:52:58.480
<v Speaker 2>or and then but in the bedroom, she's like, you know,

0:52:59.280 --> 0:53:03.520
<v Speaker 2>like a porn star, you know, the cool girl. Nothing

0:53:03.560 --> 0:53:06.400
<v Speaker 2>bothers her. Oh, it's all cool, Like she just goes

0:53:06.400 --> 0:53:10.239
<v Speaker 2>with the flow. She doesn't wrestle any feathers. She's just

0:53:10.400 --> 0:53:15.520
<v Speaker 2>like she does not create any problems because she doesn't

0:53:15.560 --> 0:53:19.120
<v Speaker 2>do anything because she's cool, or like yeah, like I

0:53:19.160 --> 0:53:23.279
<v Speaker 2>don't care or yeah, you know, like it's just that

0:53:23.560 --> 0:53:26.239
<v Speaker 2>vibeing you try to be easygoing or you just try

0:53:26.280 --> 0:53:29.600
<v Speaker 2>to be like yeah, like I don't care. Yeah, just

0:53:29.600 --> 0:53:32.799
<v Speaker 2>just sort of like I don't care vibe that can

0:53:32.920 --> 0:53:37.319
<v Speaker 2>attract people, especially immature people, right, just sort of like oh,

0:53:37.480 --> 0:53:40.399
<v Speaker 2>like this is cool. She's cool, Like she doesn't tell

0:53:40.400 --> 0:53:42.480
<v Speaker 2>me what she needs, there's no problems, I don't have

0:53:42.520 --> 0:53:45.919
<v Speaker 2>to deal with anything. Everything with her can be easy, right.

0:53:46.719 --> 0:53:48.680
<v Speaker 1>The desire to be the girl that's so easy that

0:53:48.719 --> 0:53:50.399
<v Speaker 1>they can just hang out with whenever they want.

0:53:50.920 --> 0:53:52.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, So what happens is that when you're playing the

0:53:52.880 --> 0:53:56.200
<v Speaker 2>cool girl, you could be totally mistreated and be like no, no,

0:53:56.360 --> 0:54:00.600
<v Speaker 2>it's cool, and that's great for someone who who loves

0:54:00.600 --> 0:54:03.840
<v Speaker 2>to treat people poorly. And then the good girl is different.

0:54:03.840 --> 0:54:06.920
<v Speaker 2>The good girl is do everything right by the books,

0:54:07.120 --> 0:54:11.480
<v Speaker 2>and you don't assert yourself. You're just you are agreeable.

0:54:11.880 --> 0:54:15.399
<v Speaker 2>And the thing is, agreeableness is a good trait. It's

0:54:15.480 --> 0:54:17.719
<v Speaker 2>like there, but it's but we also have to have

0:54:17.800 --> 0:54:20.640
<v Speaker 2>a limit because we have to bring a sense of

0:54:20.760 --> 0:54:23.440
<v Speaker 2>self to a relationship. And if we're always being the

0:54:23.440 --> 0:54:27.160
<v Speaker 2>good girl, then again like we're not, we feel lost

0:54:27.200 --> 0:54:29.640
<v Speaker 2>inside ourselves, we feel lost inside our skin. We can

0:54:29.719 --> 0:54:33.200
<v Speaker 2>be treated poorly, we don't get what we want. And

0:54:33.239 --> 0:54:35.920
<v Speaker 2>so the antidote is not to become the bitch. The

0:54:35.960 --> 0:54:39.000
<v Speaker 2>antidote is not to be you know whatever. It's not

0:54:39.120 --> 0:54:41.080
<v Speaker 2>to be anyone. It's not to try to be anyone

0:54:41.120 --> 0:54:43.800
<v Speaker 2>other than who you are. And so and that that

0:54:44.239 --> 0:54:48.200
<v Speaker 2>can be easier said than done. The common thread between

0:54:48.560 --> 0:54:52.799
<v Speaker 2>these two archetypes is I'm not going to tell the

0:54:52.800 --> 0:54:56.719
<v Speaker 2>truth right to please you, to get you, to please you,

0:54:56.880 --> 0:54:59.200
<v Speaker 2>to be enough to get you wrapped around my finger,

0:54:59.360 --> 0:55:02.239
<v Speaker 2>to not leave me whatever it is. I am going

0:55:02.280 --> 0:55:06.040
<v Speaker 2>to withhold my truth and I'm not going to have needs.

0:55:06.080 --> 0:55:08.480
<v Speaker 2>And that does not work in a relationship.

0:55:08.800 --> 0:55:11.319
<v Speaker 1>No, because and I Almoso think, coming back to what

0:55:11.320 --> 0:55:13.359
<v Speaker 1>you said, one of the other truths were of you

0:55:13.400 --> 0:55:15.560
<v Speaker 1>need to love yourself. It's like, if you're agreeable, you

0:55:15.640 --> 0:55:19.320
<v Speaker 1>lose yourself in other people's decisions and other people's needs

0:55:19.600 --> 0:55:22.239
<v Speaker 1>and other people's wants, so you actually lose complete sight

0:55:22.280 --> 0:55:24.560
<v Speaker 1>of who you are. And then if you don't know

0:55:24.600 --> 0:55:27.840
<v Speaker 1>who you are, you can't teach someone else to treat

0:55:27.880 --> 0:55:29.480
<v Speaker 1>you how you want to be treated exactly.

0:55:30.040 --> 0:55:33.160
<v Speaker 2>And to be clear, it's not that to be agreeable

0:55:33.520 --> 0:55:37.680
<v Speaker 2>is bad. No, it's not being nice, not bad. It's

0:55:37.760 --> 0:55:41.440
<v Speaker 2>really good. But it's about are you to what degree

0:55:41.760 --> 0:55:45.640
<v Speaker 2>are you so agreeable that that you become a doormat

0:55:45.680 --> 0:55:46.200
<v Speaker 2>in life?

0:55:46.360 --> 0:55:46.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

0:55:46.560 --> 0:55:48.319
<v Speaker 1>I can think I can. I can relate to both

0:55:48.320 --> 0:55:52.040
<v Speaker 1>of them in different ways. So I definitely thought when

0:55:52.320 --> 0:55:54.080
<v Speaker 1>me and Ja got married, I would be like, I

0:55:54.080 --> 0:55:56.600
<v Speaker 1>don't really have any dreams or aspirations. I'll do whatever

0:55:56.640 --> 0:55:59.239
<v Speaker 1>you're doing. And he had no desire for me to

0:55:59.239 --> 0:56:01.799
<v Speaker 1>be that way. In my mind, I thought that is

0:56:01.840 --> 0:56:04.960
<v Speaker 1>what a good wife should be, like. You know, he's

0:56:05.000 --> 0:56:09.440
<v Speaker 1>got ambitions, he's got his dreams. I should the wah

0:56:09.480 --> 0:56:11.279
<v Speaker 1>right now, I don't have anything. I don't I don't

0:56:11.280 --> 0:56:13.480
<v Speaker 1>think I want to do anything, so I should just

0:56:13.520 --> 0:56:16.759
<v Speaker 1>follow in his footsteps. And what he wants is what

0:56:16.800 --> 0:56:18.920
<v Speaker 1>I what I should do, not he's asking me to,

0:56:19.000 --> 0:56:21.200
<v Speaker 1>but what I think I should be doing. And it

0:56:21.280 --> 0:56:23.480
<v Speaker 1>was so interesting because the more I ended up following

0:56:23.480 --> 0:56:25.480
<v Speaker 1>in his footsteps, the more miserable I got. And he

0:56:25.600 --> 0:56:27.560
<v Speaker 1>kept noticing. He was like, you need I want you

0:56:27.600 --> 0:56:29.920
<v Speaker 1>to do what you love doing, like you do what

0:56:29.960 --> 0:56:32.880
<v Speaker 1>you feel happy doing. You being happy will make me happy,

0:56:32.960 --> 0:56:35.680
<v Speaker 1>not you doing what I do that doesn't make me happy.

0:56:36.200 --> 0:56:38.759
<v Speaker 1>And then I noticed that in little ways, like when

0:56:38.880 --> 0:56:40.360
<v Speaker 1>we were trying to figure out what to eat, I

0:56:40.400 --> 0:56:42.520
<v Speaker 1>would be like, no, you decide, not because I knew

0:56:42.560 --> 0:56:45.160
<v Speaker 1>I wanted, but in my mind I would think, oh

0:56:45.200 --> 0:56:47.720
<v Speaker 1>if I if I don't say, if I say something

0:56:47.760 --> 0:56:51.720
<v Speaker 1>that he doesn't want, then he'll end up just choosing

0:56:51.760 --> 0:56:53.240
<v Speaker 1>it because of me, and then he won't be happy

0:56:53.239 --> 0:56:53.920
<v Speaker 1>and what he wants.

0:56:54.200 --> 0:56:55.600
<v Speaker 2>So that two of it. But it's cute that two

0:56:55.640 --> 0:56:58.200
<v Speaker 2>of you are just trying to make each other happy, and.

0:56:57.960 --> 0:57:00.279
<v Speaker 1>I think, yes, but I think it's also it's also

0:57:00.320 --> 0:57:02.960
<v Speaker 1>this lack of wanting to assert what you want, and

0:57:03.000 --> 0:57:05.080
<v Speaker 1>sometimes it can come out in the smallest ways and

0:57:05.120 --> 0:57:07.600
<v Speaker 1>sometimes in the bigger ways where and the other person

0:57:07.640 --> 0:57:09.000
<v Speaker 1>is that what do you want? Like I always think

0:57:09.040 --> 0:57:11.399
<v Speaker 1>of that notebook thing is like what do you want?

0:57:11.960 --> 0:57:13.480
<v Speaker 3>It's like, yeah, what do you you?

0:57:13.640 --> 0:57:16.680
<v Speaker 1>Even if you decide to compromise because of love, there's

0:57:16.680 --> 0:57:19.880
<v Speaker 1>a difference between doing the compromising because of love and

0:57:19.960 --> 0:57:22.640
<v Speaker 1>doing it because you're choosing to like oh if I

0:57:22.680 --> 0:57:26.400
<v Speaker 1>say this, and maybe it's not the right thing, and therefore.

0:57:26.360 --> 0:57:30.800
<v Speaker 2>And yes, and we're disappointing that person and it's all

0:57:30.800 --> 0:57:32.800
<v Speaker 2>of that. Yeah, it's a huge awareness.

0:57:32.920 --> 0:57:33.840
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it really is.

0:57:34.360 --> 0:57:37.880
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to head onto tooth six. Okay, you need

0:57:37.920 --> 0:57:40.840
<v Speaker 1>to be your best self even after the honeymoon, and say,

0:57:40.840 --> 0:57:42.440
<v Speaker 1>the fact is, even if you end up with the

0:57:42.480 --> 0:57:44.960
<v Speaker 1>partner you've always dreamed of, you're going to have to

0:57:45.000 --> 0:57:47.440
<v Speaker 1>face your demons. You're going to have to face yourself

0:57:47.520 --> 0:57:52.320
<v Speaker 1>all the time. That is so, you know, I think

0:57:52.360 --> 0:57:55.040
<v Speaker 1>when you end up getting married, a lot of people think, Okay,

0:57:55.080 --> 0:57:57.480
<v Speaker 1>there we finally each other is done. Now now we

0:57:57.520 --> 0:58:00.160
<v Speaker 1>can just you know, sail through. But it's almost like

0:58:00.240 --> 0:58:01.320
<v Speaker 1>that's just the beginning.

0:58:01.440 --> 0:58:03.040
<v Speaker 3>Yes, exactly, And.

0:58:03.000 --> 0:58:06.160
<v Speaker 1>Working on yourself is working on your relationship. Do you

0:58:06.200 --> 0:58:09.400
<v Speaker 1>have any recommendations of how each person, in their own

0:58:09.440 --> 0:58:12.520
<v Speaker 1>way to be back to partners, can work on themselves,

0:58:12.640 --> 0:58:16.200
<v Speaker 1>like what weekly, monthly things should they be doing, or

0:58:16.200 --> 0:58:18.680
<v Speaker 1>reflections that they should be having about how they are as.

0:58:18.600 --> 0:58:23.640
<v Speaker 2>Pon managing your stress, Yes, and noticing how your stress

0:58:24.200 --> 0:58:27.000
<v Speaker 2>is coming out in the relationship, if it means that

0:58:27.080 --> 0:58:30.960
<v Speaker 2>you withdraw, if it means that you get super irritable.

0:58:31.720 --> 0:58:33.720
<v Speaker 2>I mean, we all have stress, but we're talking about

0:58:33.720 --> 0:58:37.200
<v Speaker 2>the chronic stress going in and out. And you know,

0:58:38.000 --> 0:58:44.760
<v Speaker 2>because we can't show up to a relationship consistently moody

0:58:45.000 --> 0:58:47.760
<v Speaker 2>and irritable and in a bad mood and then expect

0:58:47.800 --> 0:58:51.200
<v Speaker 2>just to be loved. We can have our bad days

0:58:51.800 --> 0:58:56.600
<v Speaker 2>and that should be totally okay. Yeah, but that consistent

0:58:56.680 --> 0:58:58.760
<v Speaker 2>bringing it to the relationship. So I think it's really

0:58:58.800 --> 0:59:04.920
<v Speaker 2>about really monitoring one's behavior and stress and being mindful

0:59:05.000 --> 0:59:08.520
<v Speaker 2>of the energy that they are consistently bringing to the relationship.

0:59:08.600 --> 0:59:09.560
<v Speaker 3>Yes, that's so true.

0:59:09.640 --> 0:59:11.960
<v Speaker 1>You always think, oh, but I'm just having a bad day.

0:59:12.040 --> 0:59:13.600
<v Speaker 1>But as soon as you're having a bad day, you're

0:59:13.640 --> 0:59:15.840
<v Speaker 1>then transferring that energy for the other person to also

0:59:15.880 --> 0:59:18.240
<v Speaker 1>have a bad day. So it's how do I manage

0:59:18.240 --> 0:59:21.120
<v Speaker 1>my stress and my emotions to not constantly be bringing

0:59:21.120 --> 0:59:24.720
<v Speaker 1>that to energetically pull both of us down. Yes there

0:59:24.800 --> 0:59:27.040
<v Speaker 1>is truth seven, Truth eight, and truth nine, but I

0:59:27.040 --> 0:59:29.200
<v Speaker 1>think we're already heading over an hour. But I wanted

0:59:29.240 --> 0:59:30.480
<v Speaker 1>to tell you guys what they are so you can

0:59:30.520 --> 0:59:32.880
<v Speaker 1>read them. Truth seven is you cannot convince someone to

0:59:32.920 --> 0:59:35.440
<v Speaker 1>love you, Tooth eight is no one is coming to

0:59:35.440 --> 0:59:38.040
<v Speaker 1>save you. And truth nine is you must make peace

0:59:38.120 --> 0:59:40.200
<v Speaker 1>with your parent. And I feel like it's good that

0:59:40.240 --> 0:59:41.600
<v Speaker 1>we don't go into them because it gives them more

0:59:41.640 --> 0:59:43.400
<v Speaker 1>to read. Yes, but I want to go onto just

0:59:43.440 --> 0:59:45.440
<v Speaker 1>a few questions that I was asked by some of

0:59:45.440 --> 0:59:48.200
<v Speaker 1>the audience. What is the right time frame to move

0:59:48.240 --> 0:59:48.680
<v Speaker 1>in together?

0:59:51.280 --> 0:59:57.479
<v Speaker 2>This is such an interesting question because there's a part

0:59:57.520 --> 0:59:59.920
<v Speaker 2>of me that sees the value in a more tradition

1:00:00.080 --> 1:00:04.240
<v Speaker 2>and all old fashioned framework, which is, you know, maybe

1:00:04.240 --> 1:00:07.560
<v Speaker 2>you shouldn't move in until you actually know if you're

1:00:07.560 --> 1:00:09.520
<v Speaker 2>going to get married or not. But I know that

1:00:09.520 --> 1:00:12.920
<v Speaker 2>that's very old fashioned. I'll never forget when I moved

1:00:12.920 --> 1:00:17.200
<v Speaker 2>in with my ex husband, and obviously that relationship didn't last,

1:00:17.720 --> 1:00:20.200
<v Speaker 2>but I didn't give up my own apartment. Even though

1:00:20.240 --> 1:00:23.160
<v Speaker 2>I moved in. I thought, you know what, I haven't

1:00:23.200 --> 1:00:25.280
<v Speaker 2>known him I've only known him a year or no.

1:00:25.360 --> 1:00:27.680
<v Speaker 2>I at that point, I only knew him like seven months,

1:00:28.000 --> 1:00:29.720
<v Speaker 2>and we moved in quickly, and I thought, you know what,

1:00:30.520 --> 1:00:32.960
<v Speaker 2>I'm not giving up my lease in New York. I'm not.

1:00:33.520 --> 1:00:35.200
<v Speaker 2>We were in New York, but I'm like, I'm not

1:00:35.240 --> 1:00:38.080
<v Speaker 2>giving up my lease. And I think I think that

1:00:38.200 --> 1:00:40.439
<v Speaker 2>was very smart. That was very good advice my mother

1:00:40.520 --> 1:00:44.000
<v Speaker 2>gave me, because you know, living together is a whole

1:00:44.040 --> 1:00:47.720
<v Speaker 2>different ballgame, and so there's no one way to do

1:00:47.760 --> 1:00:50.600
<v Speaker 2>a relationship. But I do tend to err on the

1:00:50.640 --> 1:00:53.040
<v Speaker 2>side of like, can you just go a little bit

1:00:53.080 --> 1:00:58.000
<v Speaker 2>slow and really get to know this person, because if

1:00:58.000 --> 1:01:00.600
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't work out and you live together, oh, it

1:01:00.880 --> 1:01:02.680
<v Speaker 2>just complicates the breakup.

1:01:03.240 --> 1:01:05.960
<v Speaker 1>I also think there's the flip side, which is when

1:01:06.000 --> 1:01:07.680
<v Speaker 1>if I don't live with him, then I won't know it.

1:01:07.800 --> 1:01:09.360
<v Speaker 1>Like I think I need to live with him before

1:01:09.400 --> 1:01:11.680
<v Speaker 1>we get married, so then I know whether it's gonna I.

1:01:11.640 --> 1:01:14.040
<v Speaker 2>See that too. Yeah, and I see that as well.

1:01:14.280 --> 1:01:14.760
<v Speaker 2>For sure.

1:01:14.960 --> 1:01:16.880
<v Speaker 3>It's definitely to know.

1:01:18.400 --> 1:01:21.120
<v Speaker 2>It's very it is a matter of chords. Just know

1:01:21.920 --> 1:01:24.400
<v Speaker 2>again the messages. Just know when you live with someone

1:01:24.480 --> 1:01:27.640
<v Speaker 2>and it doesn't work out, and this isn't to scare people,

1:01:27.800 --> 1:01:31.360
<v Speaker 2>But you know, do you really want to immessure your

1:01:31.400 --> 1:01:34.800
<v Speaker 2>life with someone who maybe you just haven't even known

1:01:34.840 --> 1:01:35.160
<v Speaker 2>a year?

1:01:35.320 --> 1:01:37.920
<v Speaker 3>Yes, so let's give you a year as a ball.

1:01:38.120 --> 1:01:38.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

1:01:39.000 --> 1:01:41.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I still think about and feel like I love

1:01:41.320 --> 1:01:42.680
<v Speaker 1>someone I was with for ten years.

1:01:42.680 --> 1:01:43.600
<v Speaker 3>How do I let him go?

1:01:44.280 --> 1:01:47.160
<v Speaker 2>I would just say, it's really not about that person anymore.

1:01:47.600 --> 1:01:51.000
<v Speaker 2>You're replaying a story in your head and you're living

1:01:51.040 --> 1:01:54.320
<v Speaker 2>in the past, which makes me think that you're not

1:01:54.480 --> 1:01:56.800
<v Speaker 2>living in the present. We need to start living in

1:01:56.840 --> 1:01:59.720
<v Speaker 2>the present moment and start building a life for yourself

1:01:59.800 --> 1:02:04.520
<v Speaker 2>that feels compelling to you, that you have a compelling

1:02:04.640 --> 1:02:09.560
<v Speaker 2>reason to get out of bed to help others, whatever

1:02:09.640 --> 1:02:13.640
<v Speaker 2>that is. Without fail, every person that I've ever spoken

1:02:13.680 --> 1:02:16.240
<v Speaker 2>to or worked with who felt very much stuck in

1:02:16.280 --> 1:02:18.880
<v Speaker 2>the past of a relationship that ended a long time ago,

1:02:19.400 --> 1:02:28.400
<v Speaker 2>it's because they were procrastinating, if you will, resisting building

1:02:28.440 --> 1:02:30.040
<v Speaker 2>their life in the present moment.

1:02:30.280 --> 1:02:34.760
<v Speaker 1>I think sometimes it's also this feeling of this person

1:02:34.920 --> 1:02:38.600
<v Speaker 1>changed me, or this person made me the happiest, Like

1:02:38.640 --> 1:02:41.080
<v Speaker 1>that was the happiest I was in that era, and

1:02:41.160 --> 1:02:44.000
<v Speaker 1>so and or this feeling of this person fixed me,

1:02:44.160 --> 1:02:47.000
<v Speaker 1>or this person brought joy into my life and I

1:02:47.040 --> 1:02:49.560
<v Speaker 1>haven't felt that since, And so I guess a part

1:02:49.560 --> 1:02:51.840
<v Speaker 1>of it is also how do you then create that

1:02:51.920 --> 1:02:52.960
<v Speaker 1>again for yourself.

1:02:53.480 --> 1:02:56.800
<v Speaker 2>It's your relationship with yourself, it really, truly is. It

1:02:57.000 --> 1:03:00.200
<v Speaker 2>just means that something needs to be explored and your

1:03:00.280 --> 1:03:03.880
<v Speaker 2>relationship with you and your life. And absolutely, but a

1:03:03.920 --> 1:03:06.760
<v Speaker 2>lot of times we were deluded. A lot of times.

1:03:06.760 --> 1:03:08.959
<v Speaker 2>It's not a good really, it wasn't a great relationship.

1:03:09.160 --> 1:03:13.280
<v Speaker 2>But we're replaying stuff and we're stuck in time, and

1:03:14.320 --> 1:03:17.640
<v Speaker 2>you know, you want to slowly untether yourself and sometimes

1:03:17.640 --> 1:03:20.680
<v Speaker 2>you know, a spouse dies and that's very hard, and

1:03:20.800 --> 1:03:23.840
<v Speaker 2>it's a process to open yourself up to love again.

1:03:24.040 --> 1:03:26.000
<v Speaker 1>I also think the more that you replace stuff in

1:03:26.040 --> 1:03:28.920
<v Speaker 1>your mind, it's almost like it gets a little bit

1:03:29.040 --> 1:03:32.080
<v Speaker 1>changed each time based on the narrative you want to

1:03:32.080 --> 1:03:35.120
<v Speaker 1>create in your mind. So the story can, like let's

1:03:35.120 --> 1:03:37.040
<v Speaker 1>say you've been thinking about it for ten years, the

1:03:37.120 --> 1:03:41.280
<v Speaker 1>story slowly, slowly, slowly shifts towards to be favorable, towards

1:03:41.360 --> 1:03:43.400
<v Speaker 1>what you want to happen or what you want to believe.

1:03:43.680 --> 1:03:45.000
<v Speaker 1>So I know, like, even if you've been in a

1:03:45.000 --> 1:03:49.160
<v Speaker 1>toxic relationship, you remember like the really beautiful times, and slowly,

1:03:49.160 --> 1:03:51.960
<v Speaker 1>if you keep thinking of the beautiful times, you completely

1:03:52.000 --> 1:03:54.960
<v Speaker 1>forget the times that he called you x racy, and

1:03:55.000 --> 1:03:57.520
<v Speaker 1>you completely forgot about the time where he like, you know,

1:03:57.680 --> 1:03:59.360
<v Speaker 1>locked you out of the house or whatever it was.

1:04:00.120 --> 1:04:00.960
<v Speaker 3>You're like, oh, but that.

1:04:00.960 --> 1:04:04.000
<v Speaker 1>One time he like hugged me and it just felt

1:04:04.040 --> 1:04:06.360
<v Speaker 1>like the whole world fell away, and it's like yeah,

1:04:06.360 --> 1:04:09.120
<v Speaker 1>but the next day he's putting a bit yes, yes,

1:04:09.200 --> 1:04:10.560
<v Speaker 1>you know, like yes, but.

1:04:10.560 --> 1:04:11.320
<v Speaker 3>You really do.

1:04:11.440 --> 1:04:13.160
<v Speaker 1>And so I think the problem is the more you

1:04:13.200 --> 1:04:16.960
<v Speaker 1>repeat thoughts in your mind or like stories or visuals

1:04:17.000 --> 1:04:19.840
<v Speaker 1>of what that relationship was like, the further away you

1:04:19.880 --> 1:04:22.600
<v Speaker 1>get from it, the more distorted it has the ability

1:04:22.640 --> 1:04:22.880
<v Speaker 1>to be.

1:04:23.160 --> 1:04:27.880
<v Speaker 2>Yes, that's very true, right, Yes, all memory we distort

1:04:27.920 --> 1:04:29.640
<v Speaker 2>and delete all sorts of memories.

1:04:29.760 --> 1:04:33.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, absolutely, So stop rebuilding whoever this is, Stop rebuilding

1:04:33.720 --> 1:04:36.680
<v Speaker 1>your own love for yourself and creating new memories that

1:04:36.720 --> 1:04:38.680
<v Speaker 1>make you feel just as happy. How can I know

1:04:38.680 --> 1:04:41.760
<v Speaker 1>if I'm being empathetic or justifying something I shouldn't.

1:04:41.880 --> 1:04:47.320
<v Speaker 2>It's all boils down to defining and being able to

1:04:47.360 --> 1:04:52.680
<v Speaker 2>define the tolerable versus the intolerable, and that is very

1:04:52.720 --> 1:04:56.320
<v Speaker 2>important going into a relationship, especially if you feel like

1:04:56.400 --> 1:04:58.760
<v Speaker 2>you have not been treated well on the past. So

1:04:58.840 --> 1:05:03.480
<v Speaker 2>knowing what's tolerable the intolerable and then also investigating your stories.

1:05:03.480 --> 1:05:06.440
<v Speaker 2>Are you're saying like this? You know? Is this? A

1:05:06.480 --> 1:05:07.680
<v Speaker 2>lot of times it'll be like, well, I don't like

1:05:07.720 --> 1:05:10.360
<v Speaker 2>the way that I'm being treated, but we don't think about, oh,

1:05:10.400 --> 1:05:13.760
<v Speaker 2>how we're actually treating the other person too. But if

1:05:13.760 --> 1:05:16.360
<v Speaker 2>you have a history of tolerating less than you deserve

1:05:16.400 --> 1:05:18.520
<v Speaker 2>and you don't realize if you're being empathetic one, you

1:05:18.520 --> 1:05:21.640
<v Speaker 2>can ask someone who you really trust, who has an

1:05:21.640 --> 1:05:25.160
<v Speaker 2>objective point of view, and then to really have someone

1:05:25.200 --> 1:05:30.800
<v Speaker 2>help you get clear about what is intolerable in a relationship. Yeah,

1:05:30.880 --> 1:05:32.280
<v Speaker 2>a lot of people don't know that.

1:05:33.360 --> 1:05:34.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, know what your boundaries are?

1:05:34.680 --> 1:05:36.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you have to know what your boundaries are.

1:05:36.480 --> 1:05:39.120
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely, thank you so much for this.

1:05:39.200 --> 1:05:41.000
<v Speaker 1>I probably could ask you a thousand more questions, but

1:05:41.000 --> 1:05:43.240
<v Speaker 1>I won't take up too much of your time. Thank

1:05:43.280 --> 1:05:46.600
<v Speaker 1>you again, and everybody please go out and get it

1:05:46.600 --> 1:05:49.360
<v Speaker 1>begins with you. It is such a beautiful book, and

1:05:49.400 --> 1:05:51.280
<v Speaker 1>I guarantee you will come away from it learning so

1:05:51.360 --> 1:05:52.360
<v Speaker 1>much more about yourself.

1:05:53.080 --> 1:05:55.480
<v Speaker 3>Did thank you, Thank you. It's really beautiful. And I

1:05:55.480 --> 1:05:56.480
<v Speaker 3>thank you so much.

1:05:56.520 --> 1:06:00.000
<v Speaker 2>I appreciate you too, Thank you