Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,
Speaker 2: as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.
Speaker 2: I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.
Speaker 2: I did a cameo in this movie where I played
Speaker 2: the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's
Speaker 2: from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but
Speaker 2: it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,
Speaker 2: it was great. And then I came down to the
Speaker 2: city because I have shows this weekend, and there is
Speaker 2: a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in
Speaker 2: New York City not to go outside and to limit
Speaker 2: your time outside because the air quality is so bad.
Speaker 2: It is so ominous looking in the city, and it
Speaker 2: is what I imagine it must have looked like after
Speaker 2: nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze
Speaker 2: that is just covering the city. It is brown like,
Speaker 2: it is a light that I have never seen, and
Speaker 2: it is very apocalyptic.
Speaker 1: Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just
Speaker 2: getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what
Speaker 2: our future is going to be, like a bunch of
Speaker 2: fires and smoke and not being able to go outside
Speaker 2: for days at a time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 1: I am currently recording from a car because my power
Speaker 1: went out, So here we are. We're just you know,
Speaker 1: the show must go on.
Speaker 2: I feel like the world is ending right now and
Speaker 2: may may end during this recording.
Speaker 1: That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this
Speaker 1: last week and we had a lovely time. We just
Speaker 1: did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,
Speaker 1: we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits
Speaker 1: of Laura. It was a doorball.
Speaker 2: It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So what's your weekend?
Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that
Speaker 2: I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's
Speaker 2: a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is
Speaker 2: directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,
Speaker 2: we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,
Speaker 2: So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see
Speaker 2: that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.
Speaker 1: Know them amazing, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring
Speaker 2: because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,
Speaker 2: it's so nice to be around them and spend time
Speaker 2: with them. Like I have this whole group of like
Speaker 2: young comics in my life that I just love being
Speaker 2: around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I love newness. I like
Speaker 2: anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like
Speaker 2: one of them was like, you've been such a supporter
Speaker 2: of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you
Speaker 2: guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of
Speaker 2: oomph and stand up too, like being around people who
Speaker 2: are fresh and excited about it and new about it.
Speaker 1: And doing something different and have a different vibe.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who
Speaker 2: opens for me on all my tour dates and if
Speaker 2: you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or
Speaker 2: actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because
Speaker 2: now we're in because I've declared her to be my
Speaker 2: daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I
Speaker 2: gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,
Speaker 2: that's what I've got going on. Girl.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 2: We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,
Speaker 2: added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some
Speaker 2: other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and
Speaker 2: I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I
Speaker 2: have something after this tour. If there are tickets available
Speaker 2: in your city and you want to come to the show,
Speaker 2: by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows
Speaker 2: again because of scheduling.
Speaker 1: You got some traveling to do this summer.
Speaker 2: Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: get my condoms ready, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I am having a little bit of a problem at home.
Speaker 1: You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,
Speaker 1: and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell
Speaker 1: really like to hump. They like to hump, they like
Speaker 1: to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot
Speaker 1: like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what
Speaker 1: is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie
Speaker 1: will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets
Speaker 1: really really into it. I don't know whether just to
Speaker 1: like let them be dogs or to try and break
Speaker 1: it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but
Speaker 1: it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable
Speaker 1: for me.
Speaker 2: I don't know what to say about that. I don't
Speaker 2: know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you
Speaker 2: handle such things?
Speaker 1: I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.
Speaker 1: It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw
Speaker 1: on the back of her head and like go crazy.
Speaker 2: It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.
Speaker 1: It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.
Speaker 1: This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really
Speaker 1: like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,
Speaker 1: and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
Speaker 2: Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have
Speaker 2: sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,
Speaker 2: she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object
Speaker 2: to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She
Speaker 2: was so excited to come for a ride today.
Speaker 1: She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's
Speaker 1: just sitting down there being.
Speaker 2: A doorable, I know. And then my little and then
Speaker 2: my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.
Speaker 2: He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you
Speaker 2: have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.
Speaker 2: She's just at okay, do you know where you are?
Speaker 1: You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on
Speaker 2: her or she was going down on someone else. I
Speaker 2: wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers
Speaker 2: sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just
Speaker 2: the other two just a little too.
Speaker 1: But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her
Speaker 1: whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.
Speaker 1: And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like it.
Speaker 1: Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today
Speaker 1: is pretty exciting.
Speaker 2: She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality
Speaker 2: podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on
Speaker 2: the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre
Speaker 2: order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to
Speaker 2: Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that
Speaker 2: comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of
Speaker 2: toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just
Speaker 2: all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's
Speaker 2: her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both
Speaker 2: of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,
Speaker 2: so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice
Speaker 2: to see Chelsea.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 2: You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,
Speaker 2: whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly
Speaker 2: talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.
Speaker 5: Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost
Speaker 5: your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty
Speaker 5: years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.
Speaker 5: And I started this because I was having bad I
Speaker 5: was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.
Speaker 2: I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as
Speaker 2: a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because
Speaker 2: I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody
Speaker 2: what to do you don't know them that well. It's
Speaker 2: not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,
Speaker 2: as a woman, I know what to say that's good.
Speaker 2: As a younger.
Speaker 5: Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid
Speaker 5: thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,
Speaker 5: and I just thought that it was I thought it
Speaker 5: was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost
Speaker 5: twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking
Speaker 5: about sex, and so I started a podcast and started
Speaker 5: interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back
Speaker 5: to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,
Speaker 5: after all these years, it was a lot of the
Speaker 5: same questions every single day, from people saying, how do
Speaker 5: I have an orgasm?
Speaker 3: Which all with my penis.
Speaker 5: People want a quick fix when it comes to sec
Speaker 5: They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and
Speaker 5: that's gonna help me?
Speaker 3: Can I use lube?
Speaker 5: That might help you? But what this book is really
Speaker 5: about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been
Speaker 5: like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.
Speaker 5: They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically
Speaker 5: works for you. But I created these five pillars of
Speaker 5: sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like
Speaker 5: am I in my body during sex? My health infects
Speaker 5: it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,
Speaker 5: I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.
Speaker 5: So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.
Speaker 5: So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm
Speaker 5: feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most
Speaker 5: of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm
Speaker 5: distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm
Speaker 5: fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's
Speaker 5: that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to
Speaker 5: be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,
Speaker 5: what does just great sex mean? And so I realized
Speaker 5: that the pillars are like being in your body, even
Speaker 5: if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm
Speaker 5: looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes
Speaker 5: or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like
Speaker 5: usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one
Speaker 5: of the pillars is like, can I be present even
Speaker 5: for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate
Speaker 5: as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm
Speaker 5: distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of
Speaker 5: take my five senses and I'll say, what am I
Speaker 5: smelling right now?
Speaker 3: What am I hearing?
Speaker 2: Right now?
Speaker 5: I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately
Speaker 5: grounds me in the moment. So I has some of
Speaker 5: those practices. One of the top questions is why can't
Speaker 5: I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,
Speaker 5: it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind
Speaker 5: of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had
Speaker 5: trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that
Speaker 5: might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might
Speaker 5: be on the birth control pill, I might be on
Speaker 5: a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people
Speaker 5: don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed
Speaker 5: into this area where like, well, it was amazing at
Speaker 5: the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so
Speaker 5: I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it
Speaker 5: could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.
Speaker 5: So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,
Speaker 5: like how well do I know myself? Like I know
Speaker 5: that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.
Speaker 5: I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.
Speaker 5: If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,
Speaker 5: I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and
Speaker 5: ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my
Speaker 5: pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I
Speaker 5: turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're
Speaker 5: Do you ever feel like you're not in the move
Speaker 5: for sex and you don't know why?
Speaker 3: Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.
Speaker 2: I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I
Speaker 2: think more frequently than it does when you're in sane
Speaker 2: exacting after a year.
Speaker 5: Sex right, and most people I think after a while
Speaker 5: they don't want to in a relationship. And I and
Speaker 5: we think that we should just be turned out like
Speaker 5: a drop of hat like and then we're not. So
Speaker 5: I think about like if it's yeah, like things are
Speaker 5: a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel
Speaker 5: great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's
Speaker 5: one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's
Speaker 5: like confidence, like how do I feel like when you
Speaker 5: walk around all day and I'm sure I know you
Speaker 5: hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like
Speaker 5: we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't
Speaker 5: want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do
Speaker 5: we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,
Speaker 5: get naked and be ready to go if all day long,
Speaker 5: I am like not feeling good about it. So I
Speaker 5: have like mantra and things people can do to feel
Speaker 5: a little more confident. I just realize that's one area
Speaker 5: that I got to work out. And the fifth one
Speaker 5: is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like
Speaker 5: most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their
Speaker 5: partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.
Speaker 5: And I have a lot of tools how to awkward
Speaker 5: conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's
Speaker 5: just good to be great. And I teach people how
Speaker 5: to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with
Speaker 5: someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that
Speaker 5: they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they
Speaker 5: would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like
Speaker 5: a jackhammer?
Speaker 2: Again?
Speaker 3: How do I tell them to stop?
Speaker 5: And so I have tips for like talking about your
Speaker 5: fantasies and making it hot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.
Speaker 2: I think is the pressure of when you're in a
Speaker 2: long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,
Speaker 2: and you expect sex to remain or be the same
Speaker 2: as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that
Speaker 2: that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,
Speaker 2: I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because
Speaker 2: people aren't easily able to express what they want from
Speaker 2: a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.
Speaker 2: Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid
Speaker 2: that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's
Speaker 2: going to reject us. That most people are mute and.
Speaker 5: They silently walk through sex because we always go back
Speaker 5: to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It
Speaker 5: lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that
Speaker 5: will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,
Speaker 5: you're never going to go back to that stage where
Speaker 5: you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But
Speaker 5: most of us are so attached to that phase that
Speaker 5: we're like, well, I got to get back to that,
Speaker 5: and I want people to know like you're not. It's
Speaker 5: never going to be as great as it was. However,
Speaker 5: we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting
Speaker 5: people to think about, like what can I do if
Speaker 5: I know I got to work on my arousal. I
Speaker 5: got to figure out how to tell my partner that
Speaker 5: this is what I need to be turned on. And
Speaker 5: it might be a toy, it might be lou it
Speaker 5: might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.
Speaker 5: And so it just kind of like hack your own
Speaker 5: arousal because we know sex is important.
Speaker 2: I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they
Speaker 2: were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,
Speaker 2: like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I
Speaker 2: dated for a little bit, you know, and we had
Speaker 2: a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,
Speaker 2: but there were times where this person would just over
Speaker 2: and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,
Speaker 2: And I couldn't figure out the right language of how
Speaker 2: to address it because it was like it was just
Speaker 2: sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.
Speaker 2: I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a
Speaker 2: face rape, like an attack, right and what I said
Speaker 2: to the person was it was a him. What I
Speaker 2: said to him was, hey, give me space to come
Speaker 2: to you, like, let me come to you like I
Speaker 2: want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're
Speaker 2: kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because
Speaker 2: I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.
Speaker 2: I was more. I mean it went over five.
Speaker 1: He got it, well, no.
Speaker 2: Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't
Speaker 2: get it long term.
Speaker 5: This is the right, Okay, So this is like the
Speaker 5: long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.
Speaker 5: I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and
Speaker 5: not in the moment because since so I don't know
Speaker 5: about you.
Speaker 3: I grew up with shame around sex.
Speaker 5: I had no sex education, and I felt like if
Speaker 5: I had to bring up sex to my partner, they
Speaker 5: brought something to me. A lot of us at least
Speaker 5: I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did
Speaker 5: do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,
Speaker 5: you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.
Speaker 5: We're not used to people talking about sex and kind
Speaker 5: of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.
Speaker 3: We're not still got text in the bedroom.
Speaker 2: Okay, the bedroom.
Speaker 5: Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for
Speaker 5: sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.
Speaker 2: It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk
Speaker 2: about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're
Speaker 2: in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and
Speaker 2: then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you
Speaker 2: can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a
Speaker 2: lot of issues around it and body and there are
Speaker 2: bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.
Speaker 5: And also since nobody is really talking about if you
Speaker 5: think about it, we talk about it like yes, I
Speaker 5: had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really
Speaker 5: into like what is actually what do we actually need.
Speaker 3: To be aroused and turned on?
Speaker 5: Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in
Speaker 5: and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my
Speaker 5: work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then
Speaker 5: I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused
Speaker 5: and I'm not, And then I realized in this book
Speaker 5: through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,
Speaker 5: I need to have downtime before I even see you.
Speaker 5: I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this
Speaker 5: up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,
Speaker 5: like I will not be in the move for sex
Speaker 5: if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's
Speaker 5: sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind
Speaker 5: of hack my arousal if you will, so I know
Speaker 5: that all these things need to happen, and not like
Speaker 5: to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure
Speaker 5: off myself that I'm always going to be.
Speaker 2: Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,
Speaker 2: you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.
Speaker 2: You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I
Speaker 2: would prefer, this is what's going to help me get
Speaker 2: in the mood or be more attracted to you, or
Speaker 2: be more aptive to have sex.
Speaker 1: One of the things that happens in our bedroom is
Speaker 1: I for a while was shamed by my husband for
Speaker 1: wearing socks during sex.
Speaker 2: How does that all the time with all three of
Speaker 2: us actually, which is really appropriate.
Speaker 1: It's true, it's true. But I just found it was
Speaker 1: like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have
Speaker 1: to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then
Speaker 1: I finally read that women actually can have a higher
Speaker 1: likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're
Speaker 1: not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is
Speaker 1: the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.
Speaker 2: I want my feet out and free because I don't
Speaker 2: like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,
Speaker 2: be gross, sut if I walked into the house as
Speaker 2: you war. Okay, this is what.
Speaker 5: I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that
Speaker 5: it should just work for us. So I had to
Speaker 5: like through this self knowledge, and I do give people
Speaker 5: in smart sex the step that I give like a
Speaker 5: question throople. They can say, do I know that I
Speaker 5: need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?
Speaker 3: I need to have.
Speaker 5: Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch
Speaker 5: or I need all of these certain things to happen
Speaker 5: because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.
Speaker 2: You know, and also people should be better at reading
Speaker 2: the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,
Speaker 2: and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,
Speaker 2: is you know, like those aren't the moments to go
Speaker 2: in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,
Speaker 2: you have to be able to read your partner and
Speaker 2: see when they're open to that and when you should
Speaker 2: give them a little bit of space.
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they
Speaker 5: need to taste, but also figure out when is the
Speaker 5: right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I
Speaker 5: know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock
Speaker 5: at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm
Speaker 5: doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,
Speaker 5: they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,
Speaker 5: that's not when I want to have sex. So then
Speaker 5: I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?
Speaker 5: Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want
Speaker 5: to set that up. There is always in every relationship,
Speaker 5: there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,
Speaker 5: and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired
Speaker 5: partners never come together.
Speaker 2: They don't, so.
Speaker 3: Then you got to like trouble shoot.
Speaker 5: So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even
Speaker 5: try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 5: Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 5: made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,
Speaker 5: but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex
Speaker 5: and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.
Speaker 2: People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what
Speaker 2: people right?
Speaker 5: That's true, they could, but some po are like, I
Speaker 5: don't want to look at my calendar like pick up
Speaker 5: dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.
Speaker 3: You don't want to see that.
Speaker 5: But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,
Speaker 5: I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the
Speaker 5: things you need to make sure that that night that
Speaker 5: you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,
Speaker 5: whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things
Speaker 5: you got into toys or charge so you can be
Speaker 5: ready and not leave it up for chance. And you
Speaker 5: think that this seems obviously most people are. I get
Speaker 5: hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the
Speaker 5: point I was like, I kind of just have people
Speaker 5: figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you
Speaker 5: want to answer every email you get.
Speaker 3: I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.
Speaker 5: And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this
Speaker 5: is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people
Speaker 5: go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,
Speaker 5: this is why I can't get a mowner. This is
Speaker 5: why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I
Speaker 5: want to put the power in the people's hands if
Speaker 5: they crack their own codes of sexuality.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in
Speaker 2: a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.
Speaker 2: That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming
Speaker 2: at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,
Speaker 2: try and have sex with me all the time, that
Speaker 2: is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person
Speaker 2: like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,
Speaker 2: but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a
Speaker 2: lot of people feel like, well, I want it to
Speaker 2: be my idea. I want to go to you like
Speaker 2: that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look
Speaker 2: or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.
Speaker 2: It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception
Speaker 2: is good, but I would like to be able to
Speaker 2: do more of that, especially in my next relationship.
Speaker 1: I want that good.
Speaker 5: And so see, this is so good that you know
Speaker 5: that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't
Speaker 5: even know that much.
Speaker 3: They've never even thought about it.
Speaker 5: But to be able to say to your partner in
Speaker 5: a loving one of all these ways that people can do,
Speaker 5: like their tone right and like timing and the tone
Speaker 5: to have these conversations, but to be able to say,
Speaker 5: you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.
Speaker 5: So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,
Speaker 5: but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,
Speaker 5: that's going to be on me and I want you
Speaker 5: to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,
Speaker 5: please don't initiate.
Speaker 2: Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk
Speaker 2: about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the
Speaker 2: sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly
Speaker 2: the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you
Speaker 2: have about anything, the more on the same page that
Speaker 2: you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations
Speaker 2: that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,
Speaker 2: if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,
Speaker 2: you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.
Speaker 5: Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes
Speaker 5: because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is
Speaker 5: novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get
Speaker 5: over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk
Speaker 5: about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.
Speaker 5: Those are the three things that are keeping us from
Speaker 5: having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,
Speaker 5: I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.
Speaker 5: Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're
Speaker 5: talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or
Speaker 5: where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we
Speaker 5: try this position? Should we try this new toy?
Speaker 3: And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.
Speaker 5: I can't believe we talked about it too much, and
Speaker 5: now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.
Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Speaker 3: Yay.
Speaker 1: Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,
Speaker 1: shall we.
Speaker 2: Okay, do we need to take a quick break.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right
Speaker 1: back with Emily and Chelsea.
Speaker 2: And we're back.
Speaker 1: We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex
Speaker 1: boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,
Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.
Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty
Speaker 1: common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant
Speaker 1: writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've
Speaker 1: responded to others has made me feel like you might
Speaker 1: have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,
Speaker 1: not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.
Speaker 1: I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.
Speaker 1: I got a dog, moved to a different city, and
Speaker 1: I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and
Speaker 1: passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me
Speaker 1: feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways
Speaker 1: except for one. I haven't had sex or really any
Speaker 1: type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle
Speaker 1: the fear and shame that I was left with, I
Speaker 1: decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality
Speaker 1: at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,
Speaker 1: my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I
Speaker 1: haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.
Speaker 1: I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.
Speaker 1: I even managed to go on a few first dates
Speaker 1: here and there, but it never went further than that.
Speaker 1: I want a life partner, and I want to want
Speaker 1: a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear
Speaker 1: of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.
Speaker 1: How do I get past this and allow myself to
Speaker 1: have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,
Speaker 1: his right place? Hi?
Speaker 2: How are you?
Speaker 6: I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2: You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this
Speaker 2: is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes
Speaker 2: about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and
Speaker 2: she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a
Speaker 2: perfect episode for you.
Speaker 3: Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.
Speaker 5: So first I want to say that having herpes is
Speaker 5: really common.
Speaker 3: It's not a death sentence to your second.
Speaker 2: One in three people have herpes, by the way, just
Speaker 2: so you know, one in three people.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't
Speaker 5: talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.
Speaker 5: A lot of people have it and they don't even
Speaker 5: know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.
Speaker 5: But what I have found is that when you do
Speaker 5: disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that
Speaker 5: you told them. You let them know that you maybe
Speaker 5: you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what
Speaker 5: kind of medication you're on right now, And really the
Speaker 5: chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is
Speaker 5: very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people
Speaker 5: are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be
Speaker 5: with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
Speaker 5: this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I
Speaker 5: got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who
Speaker 5: prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want
Speaker 5: to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody
Speaker 5: who also cares about her health and who knows how
Speaker 5: to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised
Speaker 5: how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,
Speaker 5: no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,
Speaker 5: because I hear this from many of my listeners all
Speaker 5: the time that once they actually were real about it
Speaker 5: with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,
Speaker 5: thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go
Speaker 5: to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,
Speaker 5: it's not what you think. So I hope you can
Speaker 5: find the courage to go out there and start to
Speaker 5: talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common
Speaker 5: and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 3: And there's so many.
Speaker 5: People whose sex lives get even better because now you
Speaker 5: have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I
Speaker 5: got zero secrets. This is who I am.
Speaker 2: And once you tell one person, it's not going to
Speaker 2: be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better
Speaker 2: at telling people. And also something you need to understand
Speaker 2: is you don't need to tell somebody that on the
Speaker 2: first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are
Speaker 2: you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody
Speaker 2: who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,
Speaker 2: you haven't had sex in three years, so it would
Speaker 2: be crazy for you to just start a write away.
Speaker 2: Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.
Speaker 2: So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You
Speaker 2: can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship
Speaker 2: and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a
Speaker 2: lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.
Speaker 2: They're gonna look at that and be like, before you
Speaker 2: have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
Speaker 2: you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,
Speaker 2: and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and
Speaker 2: it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2: All you have to do is be mindful of other
Speaker 2: people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you
Speaker 2: shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you
Speaker 2: can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,
Speaker 2: You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something
Speaker 2: that one in three people in the world in the
Speaker 2: world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,
Speaker 2: you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,
Speaker 2: I have it too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So it happens a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I
Speaker 2: really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.
Speaker 2: I think reading between the lines of your letter and
Speaker 2: what you're saying is that it's been so long since
Speaker 2: you've been out there that it's harder to get back
Speaker 2: in right because you don't have the kind of language
Speaker 2: or experience other than the bunch of dates that you
Speaker 2: went on, which I also think is a really good
Speaker 2: thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,
Speaker 2: because you know, it takes a pressure off when you
Speaker 2: when you when you have a lot of experience with it,
Speaker 2: you don't have to look at every date as like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, is this going to be the one.
Speaker 2: It's more of like, oh, let me see if I
Speaker 2: even like this person.
Speaker 1: The more sex you have, the more sex you want
Speaker 1: to have and I think that goes for solo play
Speaker 1: as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy
Speaker 1: to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind
Speaker 1: of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try
Speaker 1: that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual
Speaker 1: and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to
Speaker 1: have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the
Speaker 1: pump for yourself with that and getting back into like
Speaker 1: some solo play before you try to entering out in
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 5: So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So
Speaker 5: we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's
Speaker 5: the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like
Speaker 5: oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save
Speaker 5: myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready
Speaker 5: to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing
Speaker 5: we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,
Speaker 5: like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,
Speaker 5: love and yourself is going to have a way that
Speaker 5: you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and
Speaker 5: then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to
Speaker 5: be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.
Speaker 6: Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I
Speaker 6: think that kind of was what I was thinking with
Speaker 6: going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed
Speaker 6: is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of
Speaker 6: fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell
Speaker 6: if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,
Speaker 6: or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And
Speaker 6: then it makes it difficult for me to make the
Speaker 6: right call. Do I want to go on another date?
Speaker 6: Is there anything there? And I feel like this is
Speaker 6: not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way
Speaker 6: it did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental
Speaker 2: game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,
Speaker 2: I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I
Speaker 2: think this is much more of a mental thing than
Speaker 2: anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?
Speaker 4: Not?
Speaker 6: Really?
Speaker 2: Like there? You should start because if you want to
Speaker 2: get that sex drive going right, like the way to
Speaker 2: keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,
Speaker 2: but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness
Speaker 2: the other day and we were all laughing at her,
Speaker 2: and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent
Speaker 2: vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,
Speaker 2: she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because
Speaker 2: my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas
Speaker 2: you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,
Speaker 2: So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,
Speaker 2: like one thing leads to the other. So I think,
Speaker 2: just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that
Speaker 2: does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,
Speaker 2: use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just
Speaker 2: start doing that because then you're exuding also a more
Speaker 2: sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel
Speaker 2: chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because
Speaker 2: right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel
Speaker 2: very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to
Speaker 2: wake it up right, and so that starts with you.
Speaker 2: You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're
Speaker 2: in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think
Speaker 2: I've ever given this advice book.
Speaker 5: I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.
Speaker 5: I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because
Speaker 5: it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation
Speaker 5: is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like
Speaker 5: when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles
Speaker 5: or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll
Speaker 5: do it now because I'm saying it, but that is
Speaker 5: literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor
Speaker 5: if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're
Speaker 5: like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even
Speaker 5: throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,
Speaker 5: you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.
Speaker 3: That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.
Speaker 5: That's the energy that's going to start to flow because
Speaker 5: right now it's like dormant because of the fear of
Speaker 5: trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've
Speaker 5: been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,
Speaker 5: but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual
Speaker 5: life is ahead of you.
Speaker 3: So like I'm not worried.
Speaker 5: We're not like at all words, it's more like getting
Speaker 5: more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to
Speaker 5: go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.
Speaker 5: And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,
Speaker 5: like maybe you went a lot to the gym three
Speaker 5: years ago, it's been three years.
Speaker 3: You go, then you start going back.
Speaker 5: You go back for five minutes in time the ten
Speaker 5: minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.
Speaker 5: The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and
Speaker 5: then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,
Speaker 5: like when you start to feel it's getting that place
Speaker 5: he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,
Speaker 5: by the way, and also here's the other thing. When
Speaker 5: you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.
Speaker 3: You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.
Speaker 5: Once you know that i've herpes and so I take
Speaker 5: a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna
Speaker 5: if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but
Speaker 5: that's not the case.
Speaker 3: I just want you to know that any questions, you know.
Speaker 5: What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,
Speaker 5: that's it. Do you have anything and would do you
Speaker 5: have anything to tell me about your sex list, like
Speaker 5: anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like
Speaker 5: that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex
Speaker 5: that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,
Speaker 5: that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest
Speaker 5: and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about
Speaker 5: my health because you're cheering it.
Speaker 2: And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,
Speaker 2: right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the
Speaker 2: switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for
Speaker 2: you because I think you're going to have a big
Speaker 2: sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are
Speaker 2: going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,
Speaker 2: you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the
Speaker 2: only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with
Speaker 2: yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to
Speaker 2: be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going
Speaker 2: to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I
Speaker 2: take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.
Speaker 2: I control you. And that's why I have such good
Speaker 2: experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I
Speaker 2: don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over
Speaker 2: my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.
Speaker 2: That does not define you. That's one little blip and
Speaker 2: it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?
Speaker 6: Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself
Speaker 6: get in my head and like kind of internalize It's
Speaker 6: it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you
Speaker 6: see it all the time on the internet, and I
Speaker 6: think I have let it get in my head. And
Speaker 6: one thing I guess I go back and forth on
Speaker 6: is I want to wait until I feel like I'm
Speaker 6: ready to like disclose and like kind of just give
Speaker 6: myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,
Speaker 6: like what if they react and they're like, well, that's
Speaker 6: so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates
Speaker 6: with you, and what is that mine to worry about?
Speaker 5: Even?
Speaker 2: No, no, but who care?
Speaker 3: Like yeah, who cares?
Speaker 2: So then that's not the right person. It's like you're
Speaker 2: worrying about things that may or may not even happen.
Speaker 2: You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your
Speaker 2: own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,
Speaker 2: and by that it's like sharing the information with a
Speaker 2: person whom you're going to be romantic with in a
Speaker 2: long term way. Even you know, like if you're having
Speaker 2: a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some
Speaker 2: people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection
Speaker 2: and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good
Speaker 2: to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail
Speaker 2: for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.
Speaker 2: Not so so stop it.
Speaker 5: I feel like you just let her out too. I
Speaker 5: feel like we just gave you the I feel like
Speaker 5: this is the first day of the rest of your
Speaker 5: sex life right now.
Speaker 6: I hope it is.
Speaker 3: I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and
Speaker 3: report tonight.
Speaker 1: Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.
Speaker 2: So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but
Speaker 2: we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,
Speaker 2: but we want you to also get out there start
Speaker 2: experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new
Speaker 2: sexual person that you're about to become.
Speaker 6: Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful
Speaker 6: to hear people talking about it.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you
Speaker 2: have cancer.
Speaker 3: You don't like totally exactly.
Speaker 2: You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.
Speaker 6: Okay.
Speaker 5: And these people, can I say, with the people who
Speaker 5: show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,
Speaker 5: I can't believe you told me it not your person,
Speaker 5: like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1: Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.
Speaker 2: Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update
Speaker 2: in a few months.
Speaker 6: Okay, we'll do take care.
Speaker 2: Okay, takes care.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 1: Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I
Speaker 1: am a forty year old woman and I've only been
Speaker 1: single for a year and a half of my entire
Speaker 1: adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.
Speaker 1: Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from
Speaker 1: my husband and father of my two year old that
Speaker 1: he identified as a woman and had been cheating on
Speaker 1: me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed
Speaker 1: a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful
Speaker 1: man who I consider the love of my life. Life
Speaker 1: circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the
Speaker 1: initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I
Speaker 1: know that I need to enjoy this time being single,
Speaker 1: truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,
Speaker 1: but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of
Speaker 1: my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer
Speaker 1: get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a
Speaker 1: slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment
Speaker 1: from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.
Speaker 1: Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think
Speaker 1: outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?
Speaker 1: Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.
Speaker 2: Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3: I'm good?
Speaker 2: How are you? This is Emily our sex work for
Speaker 2: the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds
Speaker 2: like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Pretty much? None?
Speaker 3: Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.
Speaker 4: Holy I just want to be excited about it, except
Speaker 4: that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.
Speaker 2: That's not fun.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I do want to you know, I think
Speaker 1: it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need
Speaker 1: to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,
Speaker 1: I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that
Speaker 1: I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who
Speaker 1: went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,
Speaker 1: which is sort of this idea that like, unless you
Speaker 1: have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel
Speaker 1: connect with them, you just like don't really have a
Speaker 1: sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do
Speaker 1: you want to say a little more about that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual
Speaker 5: sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual
Speaker 5: connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,
Speaker 5: no one's expecting you need to go out there and
Speaker 5: be able to bang somebody.
Speaker 2: Does it?
Speaker 3: Get the sex over with?
Speaker 5: Like it's okay to say I know about myself that
Speaker 5: I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and
Speaker 5: safety with somebody. So I think we could still you
Speaker 5: could still find that, But it sounds to me like
Speaker 5: some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past
Speaker 5: tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so
Speaker 5: you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate
Speaker 5: because there's no one out there, or I have this
Speaker 5: need that can't be met, and I think that you'll
Speaker 5: be surprised to find that you can. I know, you
Speaker 5: can go out there and find new ways to meet
Speaker 5: people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or
Speaker 5: drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're
Speaker 5: meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection
Speaker 5: to this person. It's okay to take a few dates
Speaker 5: and just see, and then it starts to be it's
Speaker 5: okay to say that you need to know somebody before
Speaker 5: you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to
Speaker 5: have casual sex. And that's because in case of what
Speaker 5: you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge
Speaker 5: knowing that you need that connection.
Speaker 2: I do, and I.
Speaker 4: Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then
Speaker 4: immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience
Speaker 4: in the past, as it starts with a connection and
Speaker 4: sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.
Speaker 5: You could lead with that too, You could let people
Speaker 5: what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.
Speaker 5: If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let
Speaker 5: people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,
Speaker 5: what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you
Speaker 5: can even say. You usually get into all the drama
Speaker 5: like oh this guy was so right now where I'm
Speaker 5: at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and
Speaker 5: have a connection and have something that's a little bit
Speaker 5: more casual. But I mean this is I have two
Speaker 5: nights a week to see you. I have one night
Speaker 5: a week. I would like it to be like this,
Speaker 5: I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,
Speaker 5: just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,
Speaker 5: well that's either what I am looking for or not
Speaker 5: looking for. I think it's okay to be to be
Speaker 5: clear that you're going to be surprised how many people
Speaker 5: you find that are on board with you. And I'm
Speaker 5: not even saying the first date you got to say
Speaker 5: all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,
Speaker 5: it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.
Speaker 5: In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and
Speaker 5: I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,
Speaker 5: I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's
Speaker 5: just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.
Speaker 5: Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you
Speaker 5: feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you
Speaker 5: know what what makes you feel connected is that I
Speaker 5: text them every day, is that I see them four
Speaker 5: days a week. So you could decide that you're going
Speaker 5: to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see
Speaker 5: them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,
Speaker 5: but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you
Speaker 5: don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,
Speaker 5: and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,
Speaker 5: and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in
Speaker 5: you know what I mean, set yourself up for success
Speaker 5: this week because you know what you don't want it
Speaker 5: to look like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.
Speaker 4: I've During the year and a half that I was
Speaker 4: quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,
Speaker 4: go on dates and maybe have sex with one or
Speaker 4: two people. I would go to sex parties. I had
Speaker 4: a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a
Speaker 4: lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there
Speaker 4: mentally or emotionally.
Speaker 2: And is it going to be a problem for you
Speaker 2: to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six
Speaker 2: months off of having sex with another person. What does
Speaker 2: that mean to you if when you hear that.
Speaker 1: That doesn't freak me out.
Speaker 4: I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and
Speaker 4: enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.
Speaker 4: I want to and hang out with friends without that
Speaker 4: even being an issue, without even putting myself out there
Speaker 4: to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little
Speaker 4: bit of sadness of that part of my life that
Speaker 4: I'm going to miss.
Speaker 2: Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.
Speaker 2: You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,
Speaker 2: Like that's not hard to find. But I also just
Speaker 2: from listening to you, the fact that you've been in
Speaker 2: relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is
Speaker 2: a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do
Speaker 2: all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going
Speaker 2: to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,
Speaker 2: especially with your history and especially with you know, being
Speaker 2: out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard
Speaker 2: to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted
Speaker 2: to again and wanting to have sex. But I would
Speaker 2: even more focus just on this time investing in yourself
Speaker 2: and taking this kind of window that you have and
Speaker 2: being like, I'm going to do all the shit I
Speaker 2: want to do right now while I don't have to
Speaker 2: be tethered to somebody else who may or may not
Speaker 2: want to join me doing these things, or prevent me
Speaker 2: from doing the things because we have to do his things,
Speaker 2: or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think
Speaker 2: it's very important for all women to spend a significant
Speaker 2: amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you
Speaker 2: are and to be able to ask for the things
Speaker 2: that you want and to understand what you do want.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean, Because you might spend six
Speaker 2: months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I
Speaker 2: want this. I want to be alone for another year
Speaker 2: before I get into anything serious, or I may not
Speaker 2: want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion
Speaker 2: you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white
Speaker 2: like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for
Speaker 2: growth for you, and you should just look at it
Speaker 2: like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,
Speaker 2: it's not like that. Look at all the things that
Speaker 2: you're gaining by being alone and being able to go
Speaker 2: to the museums, by being able to go to movies
Speaker 2: by yourself or plays or with friends and not have
Speaker 2: that kind of coupledom attached to it all.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.
Speaker 5: So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was
Speaker 5: not healthy in the past and all that taking six
Speaker 5: months and saying I'm going to do I did this
Speaker 5: when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It
Speaker 5: was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not
Speaker 5: doing it for six months, and it was so freeing
Speaker 5: to be like I don't.
Speaker 3: Have to think about it.
Speaker 2: I can do me.
Speaker 5: I can figure out who I am without a man
Speaker 5: in my life, because I kept going from one to
Speaker 5: the next and I really just wanted to figure out.
Speaker 5: And it was such a wonderful time to get to
Speaker 5: know who I am without a guy. I can go
Speaker 5: to the opper where I can go see friends, I
Speaker 5: can really think about it and I can reflect. It
Speaker 5: gives you this open space to say what worked in
Speaker 5: the past, what didn't work in the past. There so
Speaker 5: much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,
Speaker 5: you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready
Speaker 5: to step back into the dating world, and there's just
Speaker 5: just realize how much time you have when you're not
Speaker 5: thinking about texting someone and am I going to have
Speaker 5: sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in
Speaker 5: the time of relationship with yourself and.
Speaker 4: Looking forward to that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book
Speaker 1: to you about when it does come to solo sex
Speaker 1: or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what
Speaker 1: you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that
Speaker 1: maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally
Speaker 1: work on, or is having a thriving sex life that
Speaker 1: like doesn't involve another partner for a while.
Speaker 3: Exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made
Speaker 5: was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't
Speaker 5: think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I
Speaker 5: didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.
Speaker 3: I didn't even know.
Speaker 5: And I was like, I'm going to take time and
Speaker 5: figure out my own owner's manual because I used to
Speaker 5: leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he
Speaker 5: must be able to figure it out, and like they
Speaker 5: don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one
Speaker 5: really knows, so I might as well take the time.
Speaker 5: I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking
Speaker 5: about researching it, and then I was realized. When I
Speaker 5: was with a partner, not only was I more embodied
Speaker 5: and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,
Speaker 5: uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,
Speaker 5: like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.
Speaker 5: That's what's going to w Like. I was able to
Speaker 5: be my own best advocate, and I want that for
Speaker 5: you too. Most of us don't take time for that
Speaker 5: at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,
Speaker 5: masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,
Speaker 2: and then go to a museum and see how you
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.
Speaker 2: Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to
Speaker 2: help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I thought that was a really important call, just because
Speaker 1: I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my
Speaker 1: sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,
Speaker 1: and I don't think that's true.
Speaker 2: But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just
Speaker 2: stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.
Speaker 1: It's not.
Speaker 2: It's like, just because you break up and you don't
Speaker 2: have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a
Speaker 2: boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work
Speaker 2: like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,
Speaker 2: embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality
Speaker 2: for however long, because it could be a month and
Speaker 2: she could fall in love with another guy and then
Speaker 2: she only had that month to herself, and that's a
Speaker 2: bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.
Speaker 3: Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.
Speaker 1: If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and
Speaker 1: we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,
Speaker 1: and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.
Speaker 1: Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and
Speaker 1: have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past
Speaker 1: three and a half years. We both have been previously
Speaker 1: married and have kids. I've learned over the past two
Speaker 1: years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.
Speaker 1: Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was
Speaker 1: turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,
Speaker 1: two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She
Speaker 1: also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed
Speaker 1: that night. He told me that he and his ex
Speaker 1: wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and
Speaker 1: she told them that she's not ready for sex, but
Speaker 1: just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,
Speaker 1: his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were
Speaker 1: all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue
Speaker 1: for the kids and they were even allowed some beer
Speaker 1: to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night
Speaker 1: and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect
Speaker 1: for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after
Speaker 1: I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for
Speaker 1: a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even
Speaker 1: had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about
Speaker 1: his daughter and found out that she's now on the
Speaker 1: pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news
Speaker 1: came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I
Speaker 1: knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I
Speaker 1: can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to
Speaker 1: my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his
Speaker 1: daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud
Speaker 1: that she's having sex at such a young age, but
Speaker 1: believes that she's very mature and it was bound to
Speaker 1: happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love
Speaker 1: and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.
Speaker 1: I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him
Speaker 1: as a father and a parent. With a twelve year
Speaker 1: old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still
Speaker 1: many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,
Speaker 1: So why do I care so much? What do you
Speaker 1: think I should do? Beth?
Speaker 2: Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.
Speaker 2: You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are
Speaker 2: very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you
Speaker 2: know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser
Speaker 2: with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They
Speaker 2: the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,
Speaker 2: they have a lot less fucked up children because they're
Speaker 2: not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,
Speaker 2: or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen
Speaker 2: is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I
Speaker 2: was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,
Speaker 2: I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a
Speaker 2: little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's
Speaker 2: not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna
Speaker 2: have children with him. Did she says she wants children
Speaker 2: with him.
Speaker 1: No, but she has kids of her own as well.
Speaker 1: I just think they're not under the same roof.
Speaker 2: Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let
Speaker 2: him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just
Speaker 2: too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's
Speaker 2: really not your issue to ever even give your opinions
Speaker 2: on unless you're asked.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.
Speaker 5: We are so messed up because what happens in BA
Speaker 5: exactly what happens in America.
Speaker 2: We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So
Speaker 2: remember that Joernals don't do that.
Speaker 5: No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have
Speaker 5: the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They
Speaker 5: start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially
Speaker 5: the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're
Speaker 5: not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.
Speaker 5: They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They
Speaker 5: don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's
Speaker 5: your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk
Speaker 5: about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy
Speaker 5: it's like this where his kids grew up is they
Speaker 5: have sex education where they do talk about STIs and
Speaker 5: getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,
Speaker 5: here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how
Speaker 5: you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive
Speaker 5: sex education in school. And his daughter came to him
Speaker 5: and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.
Speaker 5: He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control
Speaker 5: pill and all those things. So I understand why that's
Speaker 5: foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids
Speaker 5: are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at
Speaker 5: like eight years old on their iPad and then they're
Speaker 5: just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero
Speaker 5: for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,
Speaker 5: and then they go off and have sex and they
Speaker 5: have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with
Speaker 5: him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna
Speaker 5: have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have
Speaker 5: me do it to my home without alcohol and telling
Speaker 5: me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,
Speaker 5: and I'll stand your own kids.
Speaker 2: That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting
Speaker 2: has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They
Speaker 2: are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy
Speaker 2: dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids
Speaker 2: aren't like that, you.
Speaker 3: Know, messed up about it.
Speaker 2: Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on
Speaker 2: some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?
Speaker 2: You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to
Speaker 2: read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,
Speaker 2: So I didn't get a chance to read it, but
Speaker 2: I got to dive right in.
Speaker 5: Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks
Speaker 5: for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a
Speaker 5: blast and this is a good time.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added
Speaker 2: more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I
Speaker 2: added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am
Speaker 2: going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.
Speaker 2: I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh
Speaker 2: and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.
Speaker 2: I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there
Speaker 2: November second and third. And I added a second show
Speaker 2: in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be
Speaker 2: there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows
Speaker 2: in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,
Speaker 2: d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.
Speaker 2: And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm
Speaker 2: coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland
Speaker 2: Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I
Speaker 2: can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,
Speaker 2: Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and
Speaker 2: I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which
Speaker 2: is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,
Speaker 2: August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long
Speaker 2: Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.
Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and
Speaker 1: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.