WEBVTT - Maybe Don’t Report Back with Emily Morse

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<v Speaker 1>Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,

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<v Speaker 2>as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.

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<v Speaker 2>I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.

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<v Speaker 2>I did a cameo in this movie where I played

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<v Speaker 2>the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's

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<v Speaker 2>from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but

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<v Speaker 2>it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,

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<v Speaker 2>it was great. And then I came down to the

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<v Speaker 2>city because I have shows this weekend, and there is

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<v Speaker 2>a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in

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<v Speaker 2>New York City not to go outside and to limit

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<v Speaker 2>your time outside because the air quality is so bad.

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<v Speaker 2>It is so ominous looking in the city, and it

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<v Speaker 2>is what I imagine it must have looked like after

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<v Speaker 2>nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze

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<v Speaker 2>that is just covering the city. It is brown like,

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<v Speaker 2>it is a light that I have never seen, and

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<v Speaker 2>it is very apocalyptic.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just

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<v Speaker 2>getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what

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<v Speaker 2>our future is going to be, like a bunch of

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<v Speaker 2>fires and smoke and not being able to go outside

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<v Speaker 2>for days at a time.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?

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<v Speaker 3>Well?

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<v Speaker 1>I am currently recording from a car because my power

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<v Speaker 1>went out, So here we are. We're just you know,

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<v Speaker 1>the show must go on.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like the world is ending right now and

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<v Speaker 2>may may end during this recording.

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<v Speaker 1>That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this

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<v Speaker 1>last week and we had a lovely time. We just

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<v Speaker 1>did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,

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<v Speaker 1>we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits

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<v Speaker 1>of Laura. It was a doorball.

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<v Speaker 2>It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, So what's your weekend?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that

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<v Speaker 2>I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's

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<v Speaker 2>a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is

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<v Speaker 2>directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,

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<v Speaker 2>we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,

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<v Speaker 2>So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see

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<v Speaker 2>that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.

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<v Speaker 1>Know them amazing, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 2>I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring

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<v Speaker 2>because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,

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<v Speaker 2>it's so nice to be around them and spend time

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<v Speaker 2>with them. Like I have this whole group of like

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<v Speaker 2>young comics in my life that I just love being

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<v Speaker 2>around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,

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<v Speaker 2>you know what I mean. I love newness. I like

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<v Speaker 2>anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like

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<v Speaker 2>one of them was like, you've been such a supporter

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<v Speaker 2>of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you

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<v Speaker 2>guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of

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<v Speaker 2>oomph and stand up too, like being around people who

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<v Speaker 2>are fresh and excited about it and new about it.

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<v Speaker 1>And doing something different and have a different vibe.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who

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<v Speaker 2>opens for me on all my tour dates and if

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<v Speaker 2>you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or

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<v Speaker 2>actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because

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<v Speaker 2>now we're in because I've declared her to be my

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<v Speaker 2>daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I

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<v Speaker 2>gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>that's what I've got going on. Girl.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh.

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<v Speaker 2>We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,

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<v Speaker 2>added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some

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<v Speaker 2>other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and

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<v Speaker 2>I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I

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<v Speaker 2>have something after this tour. If there are tickets available

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<v Speaker 2>in your city and you want to come to the show,

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<v Speaker 2>by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows

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<v Speaker 2>again because of scheduling.

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<v Speaker 1>You got some traveling to do this summer.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna

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<v Speaker 2>get my condoms ready, Chelsea.

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<v Speaker 1>I am having a little bit of a problem at home.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,

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<v Speaker 1>and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell

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<v Speaker 1>really like to hump. They like to hump, they like

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<v Speaker 1>to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot

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<v Speaker 1>like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what

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<v Speaker 1>is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie

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<v Speaker 1>will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets

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<v Speaker 1>really really into it. I don't know whether just to

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<v Speaker 1>like let them be dogs or to try and break

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<v Speaker 1>it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but

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<v Speaker 1>it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable

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<v Speaker 1>for me.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know what to say about that. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you

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<v Speaker 2>handle such things?

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<v Speaker 1>I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.

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<v Speaker 1>It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw

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<v Speaker 1>on the back of her head and like go crazy.

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<v Speaker 2>It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.

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<v Speaker 1>It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.

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<v Speaker 1>This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really

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<v Speaker 1>like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm really uncomfortable with that.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have

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<v Speaker 2>sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,

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<v Speaker 2>she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object

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<v Speaker 2>to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She

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<v Speaker 2>was so excited to come for a ride today.

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<v Speaker 1>She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's

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<v Speaker 1>just sitting down there being.

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<v Speaker 2>A doorable, I know. And then my little and then

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<v Speaker 2>my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.

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<v Speaker 2>He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you

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<v Speaker 2>have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.

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<v Speaker 2>She's just at okay, do you know where you are?

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<v Speaker 1>You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.

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<v Speaker 2>I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on

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<v Speaker 2>her or she was going down on someone else. I

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<v Speaker 2>wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers

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<v Speaker 2>sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just

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<v Speaker 2>the other two just a little too.

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<v Speaker 1>But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her

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<v Speaker 1>whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.

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<v Speaker 1>And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it sounds like it.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today

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<v Speaker 1>is pretty exciting.

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<v Speaker 2>She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality

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<v Speaker 2>podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on

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<v Speaker 2>the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre

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<v Speaker 2>order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to

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<v Speaker 2>Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that

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<v Speaker 2>comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just

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<v Speaker 2>all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's

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<v Speaker 2>her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both

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<v Speaker 2>of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,

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<v Speaker 2>so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice

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<v Speaker 2>to see Chelsea.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm so happy to see you.

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<v Speaker 2>You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,

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<v Speaker 2>whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly

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<v Speaker 2>talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.

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<v Speaker 5>Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost

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<v Speaker 5>your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty

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<v Speaker 5>years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.

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<v Speaker 5>And I started this because I was having bad I

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<v Speaker 5>was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as

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<v Speaker 2>a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody

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<v Speaker 2>what to do you don't know them that well. It's

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<v Speaker 2>not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,

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<v Speaker 2>as a woman, I know what to say that's good.

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<v Speaker 2>As a younger.

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<v Speaker 5>Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid

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<v Speaker 5>thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,

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<v Speaker 5>and I just thought that it was I thought it

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<v Speaker 5>was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost

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<v Speaker 5>twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking

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<v Speaker 5>about sex, and so I started a podcast and started

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<v Speaker 5>interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back

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<v Speaker 5>to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,

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<v Speaker 5>after all these years, it was a lot of the

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<v Speaker 5>same questions every single day, from people saying, how do

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<v Speaker 5>I have an orgasm?

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<v Speaker 3>Which all with my penis.

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<v Speaker 5>People want a quick fix when it comes to sec

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<v Speaker 5>They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and

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<v Speaker 5>that's gonna help me?

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<v Speaker 3>Can I use lube?

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<v Speaker 5>That might help you? But what this book is really

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<v Speaker 5>about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been

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<v Speaker 5>like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.

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<v Speaker 5>They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically

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<v Speaker 5>works for you. But I created these five pillars of

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<v Speaker 5>sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like

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<v Speaker 5>am I in my body during sex? My health infects

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<v Speaker 5>it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,

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<v Speaker 5>I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.

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<v Speaker 5>So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.

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<v Speaker 5>So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm

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<v Speaker 5>feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most

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<v Speaker 5>of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm

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<v Speaker 5>distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm

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<v Speaker 5>fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's

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<v Speaker 5>that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to

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<v Speaker 5>be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,

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<v Speaker 5>what does just great sex mean? And so I realized

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<v Speaker 5>that the pillars are like being in your body, even

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<v Speaker 5>if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm

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<v Speaker 5>looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes

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<v Speaker 5>or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like

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<v Speaker 5>usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one

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<v Speaker 5>of the pillars is like, can I be present even

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<v Speaker 5>for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate

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<v Speaker 5>as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm

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<v Speaker 5>distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of

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<v Speaker 5>take my five senses and I'll say, what am I

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<v Speaker 5>smelling right now?

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<v Speaker 3>What am I hearing?

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<v Speaker 2>Right now?

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<v Speaker 5>I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately

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<v Speaker 5>grounds me in the moment. So I has some of

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<v Speaker 5>those practices. One of the top questions is why can't

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<v Speaker 5>I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,

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<v Speaker 5>it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind

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<v Speaker 5>of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had

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<v Speaker 5>trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that

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<v Speaker 5>might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might

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<v Speaker 5>be on the birth control pill, I might be on

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<v Speaker 5>a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people

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<v Speaker 5>don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed

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<v Speaker 5>into this area where like, well, it was amazing at

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<v Speaker 5>the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so

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<v Speaker 5>I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it

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<v Speaker 5>could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.

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<v Speaker 5>So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,

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<v Speaker 5>like how well do I know myself? Like I know

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<v Speaker 5>that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.

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<v Speaker 5>I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.

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<v Speaker 5>If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,

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<v Speaker 5>I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and

0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.360
<v Speaker 5>ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my

0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:09.120
<v Speaker 5>pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I

0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:10.800
<v Speaker 5>turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're

0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:12.160
<v Speaker 5>Do you ever feel like you're not in the move

0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:13.200
<v Speaker 5>for sex and you don't know why?

0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:15.400
<v Speaker 3>Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.

0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:17.959
<v Speaker 2>I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I

0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:19.760
<v Speaker 2>think more frequently than it does when you're in sane

0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:21.120
<v Speaker 2>exacting after a year.

0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:24.800
<v Speaker 5>Sex right, and most people I think after a while

0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:26.720
<v Speaker 5>they don't want to in a relationship. And I and

0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:28.920
<v Speaker 5>we think that we should just be turned out like

0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:31.160
<v Speaker 5>a drop of hat like and then we're not. So

0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:34.080
<v Speaker 5>I think about like if it's yeah, like things are

0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:36.240
<v Speaker 5>a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel

0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:38.720
<v Speaker 5>great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's

0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:41.400
<v Speaker 5>one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's

0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.640
<v Speaker 5>like confidence, like how do I feel like when you

0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:46.040
<v Speaker 5>walk around all day and I'm sure I know you

0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:48.360
<v Speaker 5>hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like

0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:50.559
<v Speaker 5>we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't

0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:52.400
<v Speaker 5>want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do

0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:54.360
<v Speaker 5>we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,

0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:56.520
<v Speaker 5>get naked and be ready to go if all day long,

0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.320
<v Speaker 5>I am like not feeling good about it. So I

0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:01.480
<v Speaker 5>have like mantra and things people can do to feel

0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.640
<v Speaker 5>a little more confident. I just realize that's one area

0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:06.120
<v Speaker 5>that I got to work out. And the fifth one

0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:08.920
<v Speaker 5>is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like

0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.720
<v Speaker 5>most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their

0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:14.400
<v Speaker 5>partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.

0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:16.680
<v Speaker 5>And I have a lot of tools how to awkward

0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:20.960
<v Speaker 5>conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's

0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.439
<v Speaker 5>just good to be great. And I teach people how

0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:26.440
<v Speaker 5>to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with

0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:28.959
<v Speaker 5>someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that

0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:31.480
<v Speaker 5>they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they

0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:35.079
<v Speaker 5>would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like

0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:35.800
<v Speaker 5>a jackhammer?

0:11:35.840 --> 0:11:36.120
<v Speaker 2>Again?

0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:37.520
<v Speaker 3>How do I tell them to stop?

0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:40.679
<v Speaker 5>And so I have tips for like talking about your

0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:42.360
<v Speaker 5>fantasies and making it hot.

0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:44.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.

0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:46.680
<v Speaker 2>I think is the pressure of when you're in a

0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:50.880
<v Speaker 2>long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,

0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:54.040
<v Speaker 2>and you expect sex to remain or be the same

0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:57.120
<v Speaker 2>as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that

0:11:57.120 --> 0:12:00.280
<v Speaker 2>that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,

0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:04.920
<v Speaker 2>I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because

0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.880
<v Speaker 2>people aren't easily able to express what they want from

0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:11.679
<v Speaker 2>a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.

0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:14.720
<v Speaker 2>Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid

0:12:14.720 --> 0:12:16.440
<v Speaker 2>that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's

0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.120
<v Speaker 2>going to reject us. That most people are mute and.

0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.360
<v Speaker 5>They silently walk through sex because we always go back

0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:25.040
<v Speaker 5>to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It

0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:28.400
<v Speaker 5>lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that

0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:31.120
<v Speaker 5>will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,

0:12:31.640 --> 0:12:33.400
<v Speaker 5>you're never going to go back to that stage where

0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.640
<v Speaker 5>you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But

0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:38.040
<v Speaker 5>most of us are so attached to that phase that

0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:39.480
<v Speaker 5>we're like, well, I got to get back to that,

0:12:39.679 --> 0:12:42.080
<v Speaker 5>and I want people to know like you're not. It's

0:12:42.160 --> 0:12:44.920
<v Speaker 5>never going to be as great as it was. However,

0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.520
<v Speaker 5>we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting

0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:49.520
<v Speaker 5>people to think about, like what can I do if

0:12:49.559 --> 0:12:51.840
<v Speaker 5>I know I got to work on my arousal. I

0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:53.760
<v Speaker 5>got to figure out how to tell my partner that

0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:55.719
<v Speaker 5>this is what I need to be turned on. And

0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:57.559
<v Speaker 5>it might be a toy, it might be lou it

0:12:57.640 --> 0:13:00.480
<v Speaker 5>might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.

0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:02.559
<v Speaker 5>And so it just kind of like hack your own

0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:04.360
<v Speaker 5>arousal because we know sex is important.

0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:08.520
<v Speaker 2>I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they

0:13:08.600 --> 0:13:12.160
<v Speaker 2>were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,

0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:14.800
<v Speaker 2>like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I

0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:16.960
<v Speaker 2>dated for a little bit, you know, and we had

0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:19.000
<v Speaker 2>a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,

0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:21.800
<v Speaker 2>but there were times where this person would just over

0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.400
<v Speaker 2>and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,

0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:27.360
<v Speaker 2>And I couldn't figure out the right language of how

0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:30.160
<v Speaker 2>to address it because it was like it was just

0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:33.120
<v Speaker 2>sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.

0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:35.480
<v Speaker 2>I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a

0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:38.640
<v Speaker 2>face rape, like an attack, right and what I said

0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:42.000
<v Speaker 2>to the person was it was a him. What I

0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.160
<v Speaker 2>said to him was, hey, give me space to come

0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:48.120
<v Speaker 2>to you, like, let me come to you like I

0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.360
<v Speaker 2>want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're

0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:54.080
<v Speaker 2>kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because

0:13:54.120 --> 0:13:59.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.

0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:01.680
<v Speaker 2>I was more. I mean it went over five.

0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:04.120
<v Speaker 1>He got it, well, no.

0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:05.720
<v Speaker 2>Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't

0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:06.440
<v Speaker 2>get it long term.

0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.520
<v Speaker 5>This is the right, Okay, So this is like the

0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:12.000
<v Speaker 5>long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.

0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:14.000
<v Speaker 5>I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and

0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:16.599
<v Speaker 5>not in the moment because since so I don't know

0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:16.880
<v Speaker 5>about you.

0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:18.319
<v Speaker 3>I grew up with shame around sex.

0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:21.520
<v Speaker 5>I had no sex education, and I felt like if

0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:23.120
<v Speaker 5>I had to bring up sex to my partner, they

0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:24.800
<v Speaker 5>brought something to me. A lot of us at least

0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:26.560
<v Speaker 5>I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did

0:14:26.560 --> 0:14:28.720
<v Speaker 5>do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,

0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.320
<v Speaker 5>you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.

0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:33.880
<v Speaker 5>We're not used to people talking about sex and kind

0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:37.080
<v Speaker 5>of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.

0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:38.560
<v Speaker 3>We're not still got text in the bedroom.

0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:41.920
<v Speaker 2>Okay, the bedroom.

0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:43.360
<v Speaker 5>Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for

0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:45.240
<v Speaker 5>sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.

0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:47.000
<v Speaker 2>It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk

0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:49.320
<v Speaker 2>about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're

0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:51.360
<v Speaker 2>in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and

0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:53.800
<v Speaker 2>then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you

0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:56.680
<v Speaker 2>can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.

0:14:56.840 --> 0:15:00.160
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a

0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:02.720
<v Speaker 2>lot of issues around it and body and there are

0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:06.200
<v Speaker 2>bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.

0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:08.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.

0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:10.640
<v Speaker 5>And also since nobody is really talking about if you

0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:12.040
<v Speaker 5>think about it, we talk about it like yes, I

0:15:12.040 --> 0:15:14.600
<v Speaker 5>had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really

0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:18.320
<v Speaker 5>into like what is actually what do we actually need.

0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:19.360
<v Speaker 3>To be aroused and turned on?

0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.400
<v Speaker 5>Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in

0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:25.040
<v Speaker 5>and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my

0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:27.840
<v Speaker 5>work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then

0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.280
<v Speaker 5>I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused

0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:33.960
<v Speaker 5>and I'm not, And then I realized in this book

0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:36.960
<v Speaker 5>through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,

0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.720
<v Speaker 5>I need to have downtime before I even see you.

0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:42.560
<v Speaker 5>I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this

0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:44.800
<v Speaker 5>up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,

0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:46.520
<v Speaker 5>like I will not be in the move for sex

0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:48.920
<v Speaker 5>if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's

0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:51.360
<v Speaker 5>sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind

0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:54.040
<v Speaker 5>of hack my arousal if you will, so I know

0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:55.960
<v Speaker 5>that all these things need to happen, and not like

0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:58.880
<v Speaker 5>to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure

0:15:58.880 --> 0:15:59.920
<v Speaker 5>off myself that I'm always going to be.

0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:02.920
<v Speaker 2>Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.

0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:03.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:05.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,

0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:08.400
<v Speaker 2>you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.

0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:11.360
<v Speaker 2>You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I

0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:14.080
<v Speaker 2>would prefer, this is what's going to help me get

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:16.400
<v Speaker 2>in the mood or be more attracted to you, or

0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:18.200
<v Speaker 2>be more aptive to have sex.

0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:20.960
<v Speaker 1>One of the things that happens in our bedroom is

0:16:21.400 --> 0:16:23.880
<v Speaker 1>I for a while was shamed by my husband for

0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:25.480
<v Speaker 1>wearing socks during sex.

0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:28.000
<v Speaker 2>How does that all the time with all three of

0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:29.920
<v Speaker 2>us actually, which is really appropriate.

0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:32.000
<v Speaker 1>It's true, it's true. But I just found it was

0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:33.840
<v Speaker 1>like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more

0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:38.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have

0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:41.440
<v Speaker 1>to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then

0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:45.400
<v Speaker 1>I finally read that women actually can have a higher

0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:49.080
<v Speaker 1>likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're

0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:51.400
<v Speaker 1>not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is

0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:54.040
<v Speaker 1>the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.

0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:57.160
<v Speaker 2>I want my feet out and free because I don't

0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.480
<v Speaker 2>like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,

0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:01.680
<v Speaker 2>be gross, sut if I walked into the house as

0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:03.560
<v Speaker 2>you war. Okay, this is what.

0:17:03.480 --> 0:17:06.480
<v Speaker 5>I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that

0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:08.439
<v Speaker 5>it should just work for us. So I had to

0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:10.760
<v Speaker 5>like through this self knowledge, and I do give people

0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:12.600
<v Speaker 5>in smart sex the step that I give like a

0:17:12.760 --> 0:17:15.359
<v Speaker 5>question throople. They can say, do I know that I

0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:18.439
<v Speaker 5>need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?

0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:19.720
<v Speaker 3>I need to have.

0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.400
<v Speaker 5>Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch

0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:24.760
<v Speaker 5>or I need all of these certain things to happen

0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:27.320
<v Speaker 5>because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.

0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:29.800
<v Speaker 2>You know, and also people should be better at reading

0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:33.119
<v Speaker 2>the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,

0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.960
<v Speaker 2>and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,

0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:40.080
<v Speaker 2>is you know, like those aren't the moments to go

0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.119
<v Speaker 2>in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,

0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:43.760
<v Speaker 2>you have to be able to read your partner and

0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:46.000
<v Speaker 2>see when they're open to that and when you should

0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:47.640
<v Speaker 2>give them a little bit of space.

0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:50.119
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they

0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:52.000
<v Speaker 5>need to taste, but also figure out when is the

0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:54.080
<v Speaker 5>right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I

0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:56.960
<v Speaker 5>know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock

0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:59.400
<v Speaker 5>at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm

0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:01.959
<v Speaker 5>doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,

0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:03.639
<v Speaker 5>they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,

0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:05.239
<v Speaker 5>that's not when I want to have sex. So then

0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:07.280
<v Speaker 5>I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?

0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:10.280
<v Speaker 5>Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want

0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:13.119
<v Speaker 5>to set that up. There is always in every relationship,

0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:16.200
<v Speaker 5>there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,

0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:19.679
<v Speaker 5>and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired

0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:20.760
<v Speaker 5>partners never come together.

0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:21.720
<v Speaker 2>They don't, so.

0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:23.520
<v Speaker 3>Then you got to like trouble shoot.

0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:25.320
<v Speaker 5>So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even

0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:27.600
<v Speaker 5>try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.

0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:28.000
<v Speaker 2>Again.

0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:31.240
<v Speaker 5>Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,

0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:35.320
<v Speaker 5>made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,

0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:38.399
<v Speaker 5>but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex

0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:47.120
<v Speaker 5>and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.

0:18:44.600 --> 0:18:47.280
<v Speaker 2>People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what

0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:47.840
<v Speaker 2>people right?

0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.080
<v Speaker 5>That's true, they could, but some po are like, I

0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:51.639
<v Speaker 5>don't want to look at my calendar like pick up

0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:54.120
<v Speaker 5>dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.

0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:55.320
<v Speaker 3>You don't want to see that.

0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:59.200
<v Speaker 5>But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,

0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:01.399
<v Speaker 5>I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the

0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:03.679
<v Speaker 5>things you need to make sure that that night that

0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.200
<v Speaker 5>you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,

0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:08.680
<v Speaker 5>whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things

0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:10.760
<v Speaker 5>you got into toys or charge so you can be

0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:12.760
<v Speaker 5>ready and not leave it up for chance. And you

0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:16.280
<v Speaker 5>think that this seems obviously most people are. I get

0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:18.920
<v Speaker 5>hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the

0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:20.400
<v Speaker 5>point I was like, I kind of just have people

0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:22.760
<v Speaker 5>figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you

0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:24.440
<v Speaker 5>want to answer every email you get.

0:19:24.920 --> 0:19:26.960
<v Speaker 3>I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.

0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:29.120
<v Speaker 5>And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this

0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:31.040
<v Speaker 5>is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people

0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:33.719
<v Speaker 5>go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,

0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:36.359
<v Speaker 5>this is why I can't get a mowner. This is

0:19:36.359 --> 0:19:39.239
<v Speaker 5>why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I

0:19:39.240 --> 0:19:41.199
<v Speaker 5>want to put the power in the people's hands if

0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:43.280
<v Speaker 5>they crack their own codes of sexuality.

0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:45.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in

0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:48.000
<v Speaker 2>a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.

0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:50.639
<v Speaker 2>That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming

0:19:50.680 --> 0:19:53.280
<v Speaker 2>at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,

0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:54.679
<v Speaker 2>try and have sex with me all the time, that

0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:56.880
<v Speaker 2>is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person

0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.800
<v Speaker 2>like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,

0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.240
<v Speaker 2>but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a

0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:04.040
<v Speaker 2>lot of people feel like, well, I want it to

0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:06.560
<v Speaker 2>be my idea. I want to go to you like

0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:09.440
<v Speaker 2>that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look

0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:12.119
<v Speaker 2>or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.

0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:15.840
<v Speaker 2>It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception

0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:18.080
<v Speaker 2>is good, but I would like to be able to

0:20:18.080 --> 0:20:20.399
<v Speaker 2>do more of that, especially in my next relationship.

0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:21.639
<v Speaker 1>I want that good.

0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:23.359
<v Speaker 5>And so see, this is so good that you know

0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:26.240
<v Speaker 5>that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't

0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:26.960
<v Speaker 5>even know that much.

0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:28.320
<v Speaker 3>They've never even thought about it.

0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:30.000
<v Speaker 5>But to be able to say to your partner in

0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:31.959
<v Speaker 5>a loving one of all these ways that people can do,

0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:34.080
<v Speaker 5>like their tone right and like timing and the tone

0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:36.280
<v Speaker 5>to have these conversations, but to be able to say,

0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:39.000
<v Speaker 5>you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.

0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:41.280
<v Speaker 5>So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,

0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:43.600
<v Speaker 5>but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,

0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:45.080
<v Speaker 5>that's going to be on me and I want you

0:20:45.080 --> 0:20:47.640
<v Speaker 5>to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,

0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:48.560
<v Speaker 5>please don't initiate.

0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:51.520
<v Speaker 2>Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk

0:20:51.560 --> 0:20:54.800
<v Speaker 2>about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the

0:20:54.880 --> 0:20:57.720
<v Speaker 2>sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly

0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:01.080
<v Speaker 2>the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you

0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:04.159
<v Speaker 2>have about anything, the more on the same page that

0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:07.520
<v Speaker 2>you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations

0:21:07.520 --> 0:21:10.600
<v Speaker 2>that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,

0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:13.280
<v Speaker 2>if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,

0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:16.160
<v Speaker 2>you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.

0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:18.600
<v Speaker 5>Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes

0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:21.480
<v Speaker 5>because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is

0:21:21.560 --> 0:21:25.240
<v Speaker 5>novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get

0:21:25.240 --> 0:21:27.360
<v Speaker 5>over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk

0:21:27.359 --> 0:21:29.920
<v Speaker 5>about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.

0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:32.480
<v Speaker 5>Those are the three things that are keeping us from

0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:34.800
<v Speaker 5>having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,

0:21:35.040 --> 0:21:36.800
<v Speaker 5>I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.

0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:40.239
<v Speaker 5>Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're

0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:42.320
<v Speaker 5>talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or

0:21:42.320 --> 0:21:44.040
<v Speaker 5>where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we

0:21:44.080 --> 0:21:46.600
<v Speaker 5>try this position? Should we try this new toy?

0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:49.600
<v Speaker 3>And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.

0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:51.959
<v Speaker 5>I can't believe we talked about it too much, and

0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:54.440
<v Speaker 5>now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.

0:21:54.560 --> 0:21:56.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, agreed, agreed.

0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:56.399
<v Speaker 3>Yay.

0:21:57.000 --> 0:22:00.280
<v Speaker 1>Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,

0:22:00.400 --> 0:22:00.840
<v Speaker 1>shall we.

0:22:01.720 --> 0:22:03.480
<v Speaker 2>Okay, do we need to take a quick break.

0:22:03.800 --> 0:22:05.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right

0:22:05.720 --> 0:22:11.760
<v Speaker 1>back with Emily and Chelsea.

0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:12.879
<v Speaker 2>And we're back.

0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:18.240
<v Speaker 1>We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,

0:22:18.280 --> 0:22:21.160
<v Speaker 1>Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex

0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.400
<v Speaker 1>boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,

0:22:24.880 --> 0:22:28.760
<v Speaker 1>I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.

0:22:29.200 --> 0:22:31.960
<v Speaker 1>I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty

0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:35.240
<v Speaker 1>common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant

0:22:35.280 --> 0:22:38.320
<v Speaker 1>writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've

0:22:38.320 --> 0:22:40.480
<v Speaker 1>responded to others has made me feel like you might

0:22:40.520 --> 0:22:42.680
<v Speaker 1>have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,

0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:45.400
<v Speaker 1>not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.

0:22:46.000 --> 0:22:48.919
<v Speaker 1>I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.

0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:51.439
<v Speaker 1>I got a dog, moved to a different city, and

0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:54.199
<v Speaker 1>I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and

0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:57.080
<v Speaker 1>passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me

0:22:57.119 --> 0:23:00.000
<v Speaker 1>feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways

0:23:00.240 --> 0:23:03.600
<v Speaker 1>except for one. I haven't had sex or really any

0:23:03.600 --> 0:23:06.960
<v Speaker 1>type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle

0:23:06.960 --> 0:23:09.560
<v Speaker 1>the fear and shame that I was left with, I

0:23:09.640 --> 0:23:12.600
<v Speaker 1>decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality

0:23:12.600 --> 0:23:15.760
<v Speaker 1>at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,

0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.879
<v Speaker 1>my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I

0:23:18.920 --> 0:23:22.480
<v Speaker 1>haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.

0:23:23.080 --> 0:23:25.639
<v Speaker 1>I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.

0:23:25.920 --> 0:23:27.840
<v Speaker 1>I even managed to go on a few first dates

0:23:27.840 --> 0:23:29.760
<v Speaker 1>here and there, but it never went further than that.

0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:32.400
<v Speaker 1>I want a life partner, and I want to want

0:23:32.400 --> 0:23:34.880
<v Speaker 1>a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear

0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:37.560
<v Speaker 1>of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.

0:23:37.960 --> 0:23:39.960
<v Speaker 1>How do I get past this and allow myself to

0:23:40.000 --> 0:23:46.880
<v Speaker 1>have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,

0:23:46.960 --> 0:23:48.240
<v Speaker 1>his right place? Hi?

0:23:48.600 --> 0:23:49.119
<v Speaker 2>How are you?

0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:51.679
<v Speaker 6>I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.

0:23:52.040 --> 0:23:54.480
<v Speaker 2>You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this

0:23:54.560 --> 0:23:57.000
<v Speaker 2>is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes

0:23:57.040 --> 0:24:00.479
<v Speaker 2>about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and

0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:04.000
<v Speaker 2>she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a

0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:05.159
<v Speaker 2>perfect episode for you.

0:24:05.800 --> 0:24:08.880
<v Speaker 3>Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.

0:24:09.359 --> 0:24:12.919
<v Speaker 5>So first I want to say that having herpes is

0:24:12.960 --> 0:24:13.520
<v Speaker 5>really common.

0:24:13.600 --> 0:24:15.480
<v Speaker 3>It's not a death sentence to your second.

0:24:15.480 --> 0:24:17.520
<v Speaker 2>One in three people have herpes, by the way, just

0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:18.879
<v Speaker 2>so you know, one in three people.

0:24:19.000 --> 0:24:21.000
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't

0:24:21.000 --> 0:24:23.320
<v Speaker 5>talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.

0:24:23.440 --> 0:24:25.360
<v Speaker 5>A lot of people have it and they don't even

0:24:25.400 --> 0:24:28.160
<v Speaker 5>know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.

0:24:28.200 --> 0:24:30.600
<v Speaker 5>But what I have found is that when you do

0:24:30.760 --> 0:24:34.080
<v Speaker 5>disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that

0:24:34.119 --> 0:24:36.600
<v Speaker 5>you told them. You let them know that you maybe

0:24:36.640 --> 0:24:39.240
<v Speaker 5>you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what

0:24:39.320 --> 0:24:41.240
<v Speaker 5>kind of medication you're on right now, And really the

0:24:41.359 --> 0:24:44.840
<v Speaker 5>chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is

0:24:44.960 --> 0:24:47.920
<v Speaker 5>very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people

0:24:47.920 --> 0:24:50.879
<v Speaker 5>are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be

0:24:50.960 --> 0:24:53.040
<v Speaker 5>with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,

0:24:53.040 --> 0:24:54.879
<v Speaker 5>this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I

0:24:54.920 --> 0:24:57.520
<v Speaker 5>got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who

0:24:57.520 --> 0:25:01.840
<v Speaker 5>prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want

0:25:01.880 --> 0:25:03.800
<v Speaker 5>to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody

0:25:03.800 --> 0:25:05.639
<v Speaker 5>who also cares about her health and who knows how

0:25:05.680 --> 0:25:08.159
<v Speaker 5>to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised

0:25:08.600 --> 0:25:11.000
<v Speaker 5>how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,

0:25:11.080 --> 0:25:13.200
<v Speaker 5>no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,

0:25:13.240 --> 0:25:15.640
<v Speaker 5>because I hear this from many of my listeners all

0:25:15.680 --> 0:25:18.040
<v Speaker 5>the time that once they actually were real about it

0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:21.320
<v Speaker 5>with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,

0:25:21.680 --> 0:25:23.320
<v Speaker 5>thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go

0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:24.879
<v Speaker 5>to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,

0:25:24.920 --> 0:25:27.720
<v Speaker 5>it's not what you think. So I hope you can

0:25:27.800 --> 0:25:30.679
<v Speaker 5>find the courage to go out there and start to

0:25:30.840 --> 0:25:33.800
<v Speaker 5>talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common

0:25:33.880 --> 0:25:34.919
<v Speaker 5>and it's going to be okay.

0:25:35.119 --> 0:25:36.080
<v Speaker 3>And there's so many.

0:25:35.960 --> 0:25:38.159
<v Speaker 5>People whose sex lives get even better because now you

0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:40.159
<v Speaker 5>have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I

0:25:40.160 --> 0:25:42.160
<v Speaker 5>got zero secrets. This is who I am.

0:25:42.440 --> 0:25:44.159
<v Speaker 2>And once you tell one person, it's not going to

0:25:44.200 --> 0:25:45.639
<v Speaker 2>be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better

0:25:45.680 --> 0:25:47.639
<v Speaker 2>at telling people. And also something you need to understand

0:25:47.680 --> 0:25:49.040
<v Speaker 2>is you don't need to tell somebody that on the

0:25:49.080 --> 0:25:52.320
<v Speaker 2>first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are

0:25:52.359 --> 0:25:55.040
<v Speaker 2>you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody

0:25:55.040 --> 0:25:56.880
<v Speaker 2>who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,

0:25:56.920 --> 0:25:58.360
<v Speaker 2>you haven't had sex in three years, so it would

0:25:58.400 --> 0:26:00.359
<v Speaker 2>be crazy for you to just start a write away.

0:26:00.560 --> 0:26:03.119
<v Speaker 2>Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.

0:26:03.720 --> 0:26:06.119
<v Speaker 2>So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You

0:26:06.119 --> 0:26:09.000
<v Speaker 2>can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship

0:26:09.040 --> 0:26:12.159
<v Speaker 2>and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a

0:26:12.200 --> 0:26:14.359
<v Speaker 2>lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.

0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:16.480
<v Speaker 2>They're gonna look at that and be like, before you

0:26:16.520 --> 0:26:18.480
<v Speaker 2>have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,

0:26:18.840 --> 0:26:23.159
<v Speaker 2>you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,

0:26:23.200 --> 0:26:26.280
<v Speaker 2>and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and

0:26:26.480 --> 0:26:29.760
<v Speaker 2>it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.

0:26:30.160 --> 0:26:32.760
<v Speaker 2>All you have to do is be mindful of other

0:26:32.840 --> 0:26:35.439
<v Speaker 2>people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you

0:26:35.440 --> 0:26:39.439
<v Speaker 2>shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you

0:26:39.480 --> 0:26:41.680
<v Speaker 2>can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,

0:26:41.840 --> 0:26:44.600
<v Speaker 2>You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something

0:26:44.960 --> 0:26:47.560
<v Speaker 2>that one in three people in the world in the

0:26:47.600 --> 0:26:51.040
<v Speaker 2>world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,

0:26:51.080 --> 0:26:53.280
<v Speaker 2>you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,

0:26:53.320 --> 0:26:53.960
<v Speaker 2>I have it too.

0:26:54.040 --> 0:26:55.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, So it happens a lot.

0:26:55.760 --> 0:26:58.439
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I

0:26:58.560 --> 0:27:03.040
<v Speaker 2>really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.

0:27:03.160 --> 0:27:05.520
<v Speaker 2>I think reading between the lines of your letter and

0:27:06.480 --> 0:27:09.400
<v Speaker 2>what you're saying is that it's been so long since

0:27:09.440 --> 0:27:11.640
<v Speaker 2>you've been out there that it's harder to get back

0:27:11.640 --> 0:27:14.080
<v Speaker 2>in right because you don't have the kind of language

0:27:14.160 --> 0:27:16.720
<v Speaker 2>or experience other than the bunch of dates that you

0:27:16.760 --> 0:27:18.720
<v Speaker 2>went on, which I also think is a really good

0:27:18.760 --> 0:27:22.560
<v Speaker 2>thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,

0:27:22.680 --> 0:27:25.280
<v Speaker 2>because you know, it takes a pressure off when you

0:27:25.320 --> 0:27:27.720
<v Speaker 2>when you when you have a lot of experience with it,

0:27:27.840 --> 0:27:29.480
<v Speaker 2>you don't have to look at every date as like,

0:27:29.520 --> 0:27:31.000
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, is this going to be the one.

0:27:31.040 --> 0:27:32.919
<v Speaker 2>It's more of like, oh, let me see if I

0:27:32.920 --> 0:27:33.879
<v Speaker 2>even like this person.

0:27:34.359 --> 0:27:36.520
<v Speaker 1>The more sex you have, the more sex you want

0:27:36.520 --> 0:27:38.359
<v Speaker 1>to have and I think that goes for solo play

0:27:38.359 --> 0:27:40.600
<v Speaker 1>as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy

0:27:40.600 --> 0:27:42.560
<v Speaker 1>to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind

0:27:42.560 --> 0:27:45.160
<v Speaker 1>of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try

0:27:45.200 --> 0:27:48.280
<v Speaker 1>that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual

0:27:48.359 --> 0:27:50.720
<v Speaker 1>and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to

0:27:50.720 --> 0:27:53.560
<v Speaker 1>have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the

0:27:53.600 --> 0:27:56.679
<v Speaker 1>pump for yourself with that and getting back into like

0:27:56.720 --> 0:27:59.280
<v Speaker 1>some solo play before you try to entering out in

0:27:59.320 --> 0:27:59.720
<v Speaker 1>the world.

0:28:00.359 --> 0:28:02.639
<v Speaker 5>So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So

0:28:02.800 --> 0:28:04.800
<v Speaker 5>we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's

0:28:04.840 --> 0:28:07.200
<v Speaker 5>the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like

0:28:07.320 --> 0:28:09.240
<v Speaker 5>oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save

0:28:09.280 --> 0:28:11.200
<v Speaker 5>myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready

0:28:11.240 --> 0:28:13.080
<v Speaker 5>to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing

0:28:13.160 --> 0:28:15.040
<v Speaker 5>we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,

0:28:15.080 --> 0:28:17.280
<v Speaker 5>like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,

0:28:17.760 --> 0:28:19.439
<v Speaker 5>love and yourself is going to have a way that

0:28:19.440 --> 0:28:21.679
<v Speaker 5>you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and

0:28:21.680 --> 0:28:23.560
<v Speaker 5>then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to

0:28:23.600 --> 0:28:25.520
<v Speaker 5>be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.

0:28:26.640 --> 0:28:28.760
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I

0:28:28.760 --> 0:28:30.800
<v Speaker 6>think that kind of was what I was thinking with

0:28:31.040 --> 0:28:33.560
<v Speaker 6>going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed

0:28:33.680 --> 0:28:36.040
<v Speaker 6>is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of

0:28:36.040 --> 0:28:39.200
<v Speaker 6>fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell

0:28:39.240 --> 0:28:41.840
<v Speaker 6>if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,

0:28:41.920 --> 0:28:45.120
<v Speaker 6>or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And

0:28:45.160 --> 0:28:47.840
<v Speaker 6>then it makes it difficult for me to make the

0:28:47.920 --> 0:28:49.760
<v Speaker 6>right call. Do I want to go on another date?

0:28:49.800 --> 0:28:52.440
<v Speaker 6>Is there anything there? And I feel like this is

0:28:52.480 --> 0:28:55.920
<v Speaker 6>not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way

0:28:55.920 --> 0:28:56.200
<v Speaker 6>it did.

0:28:56.760 --> 0:28:59.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental

0:28:59.040 --> 0:29:00.959
<v Speaker 2>game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,

0:29:00.960 --> 0:29:03.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I

0:29:03.440 --> 0:29:05.240
<v Speaker 2>think this is much more of a mental thing than

0:29:05.240 --> 0:29:07.680
<v Speaker 2>anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?

0:29:08.400 --> 0:29:08.520
<v Speaker 4>Not?

0:29:09.080 --> 0:29:09.480
<v Speaker 6>Really?

0:29:09.640 --> 0:29:12.120
<v Speaker 2>Like there? You should start because if you want to

0:29:12.120 --> 0:29:14.160
<v Speaker 2>get that sex drive going right, like the way to

0:29:14.240 --> 0:29:17.400
<v Speaker 2>keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,

0:29:17.400 --> 0:29:20.360
<v Speaker 2>but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness

0:29:20.360 --> 0:29:22.760
<v Speaker 2>the other day and we were all laughing at her,

0:29:23.040 --> 0:29:25.160
<v Speaker 2>and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent

0:29:25.240 --> 0:29:28.280
<v Speaker 2>vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,

0:29:28.480 --> 0:29:30.160
<v Speaker 2>she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because

0:29:30.200 --> 0:29:32.600
<v Speaker 2>my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas

0:29:32.600 --> 0:29:34.640
<v Speaker 2>you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,

0:29:35.000 --> 0:29:37.920
<v Speaker 2>So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,

0:29:38.160 --> 0:29:40.520
<v Speaker 2>like one thing leads to the other. So I think,

0:29:40.680 --> 0:29:43.440
<v Speaker 2>just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that

0:29:43.480 --> 0:29:46.800
<v Speaker 2>does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,

0:29:46.960 --> 0:29:50.680
<v Speaker 2>use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just

0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:53.880
<v Speaker 2>start doing that because then you're exuding also a more

0:29:53.920 --> 0:29:57.160
<v Speaker 2>sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel

0:29:57.240 --> 0:30:01.040
<v Speaker 2>chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because

0:30:01.080 --> 0:30:03.880
<v Speaker 2>right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel

0:30:03.960 --> 0:30:07.160
<v Speaker 2>very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to

0:30:07.200 --> 0:30:09.640
<v Speaker 2>wake it up right, and so that starts with you.

0:30:09.640 --> 0:30:12.000
<v Speaker 2>You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're

0:30:12.040 --> 0:30:15.640
<v Speaker 2>in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think

0:30:15.640 --> 0:30:16.760
<v Speaker 2>I've ever given this advice book.

0:30:17.160 --> 0:30:21.080
<v Speaker 5>I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.

0:30:21.120 --> 0:30:23.640
<v Speaker 5>I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because

0:30:23.680 --> 0:30:26.480
<v Speaker 5>it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation

0:30:26.600 --> 0:30:28.960
<v Speaker 5>is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like

0:30:29.000 --> 0:30:31.160
<v Speaker 5>when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles

0:30:31.240 --> 0:30:33.240
<v Speaker 5>or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll

0:30:33.240 --> 0:30:35.200
<v Speaker 5>do it now because I'm saying it, but that is

0:30:35.320 --> 0:30:38.240
<v Speaker 5>literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor

0:30:38.280 --> 0:30:39.960
<v Speaker 5>if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're

0:30:39.960 --> 0:30:42.600
<v Speaker 5>like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even

0:30:42.640 --> 0:30:44.360
<v Speaker 5>throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,

0:30:44.360 --> 0:30:45.560
<v Speaker 5>you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.

0:30:45.640 --> 0:30:47.240
<v Speaker 3>That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.

0:30:47.360 --> 0:30:49.360
<v Speaker 5>That's the energy that's going to start to flow because

0:30:49.400 --> 0:30:51.320
<v Speaker 5>right now it's like dormant because of the fear of

0:30:51.360 --> 0:30:54.880
<v Speaker 5>trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've

0:30:54.880 --> 0:30:56.360
<v Speaker 5>been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,

0:30:56.360 --> 0:30:58.200
<v Speaker 5>but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual

0:30:58.200 --> 0:30:58.880
<v Speaker 5>life is ahead of you.

0:30:58.960 --> 0:30:59.680
<v Speaker 3>So like I'm not worried.

0:30:59.680 --> 0:31:02.000
<v Speaker 5>We're not like at all words, it's more like getting

0:31:02.000 --> 0:31:05.560
<v Speaker 5>more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to

0:31:05.600 --> 0:31:08.240
<v Speaker 5>go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.

0:31:08.520 --> 0:31:10.120
<v Speaker 5>And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,

0:31:10.240 --> 0:31:11.560
<v Speaker 5>like maybe you went a lot to the gym three

0:31:11.600 --> 0:31:12.880
<v Speaker 5>years ago, it's been three years.

0:31:13.480 --> 0:31:14.800
<v Speaker 3>You go, then you start going back.

0:31:14.800 --> 0:31:16.520
<v Speaker 5>You go back for five minutes in time the ten

0:31:16.560 --> 0:31:18.160
<v Speaker 5>minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.

0:31:18.200 --> 0:31:21.160
<v Speaker 5>The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and

0:31:21.200 --> 0:31:22.840
<v Speaker 5>then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,

0:31:22.880 --> 0:31:24.520
<v Speaker 5>like when you start to feel it's getting that place

0:31:24.560 --> 0:31:26.040
<v Speaker 5>he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,

0:31:26.120 --> 0:31:27.920
<v Speaker 5>by the way, and also here's the other thing. When

0:31:27.960 --> 0:31:30.800
<v Speaker 5>you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.

0:31:30.920 --> 0:31:33.000
<v Speaker 3>You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.

0:31:33.080 --> 0:31:34.840
<v Speaker 5>Once you know that i've herpes and so I take

0:31:34.840 --> 0:31:37.080
<v Speaker 5>a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna

0:31:37.080 --> 0:31:39.640
<v Speaker 5>if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but

0:31:39.720 --> 0:31:40.240
<v Speaker 5>that's not the case.

0:31:40.240 --> 0:31:42.000
<v Speaker 3>I just want you to know that any questions, you know.

0:31:42.000 --> 0:31:46.000
<v Speaker 5>What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,

0:31:46.040 --> 0:31:47.320
<v Speaker 5>that's it. Do you have anything and would do you

0:31:47.320 --> 0:31:49.200
<v Speaker 5>have anything to tell me about your sex list, like

0:31:49.400 --> 0:31:52.000
<v Speaker 5>anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like

0:31:52.080 --> 0:31:54.360
<v Speaker 5>that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex

0:31:54.360 --> 0:31:56.720
<v Speaker 5>that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,

0:31:56.840 --> 0:31:59.280
<v Speaker 5>that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest

0:31:59.640 --> 0:32:01.880
<v Speaker 5>and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about

0:32:01.920 --> 0:32:03.680
<v Speaker 5>my health because you're cheering it.

0:32:03.920 --> 0:32:06.960
<v Speaker 2>And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,

0:32:07.160 --> 0:32:10.320
<v Speaker 2>right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the

0:32:10.360 --> 0:32:13.160
<v Speaker 2>switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for

0:32:13.200 --> 0:32:14.600
<v Speaker 2>you because I think you're going to have a big

0:32:14.640 --> 0:32:17.960
<v Speaker 2>sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are

0:32:17.960 --> 0:32:20.480
<v Speaker 2>going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,

0:32:20.640 --> 0:32:24.640
<v Speaker 2>you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the

0:32:24.720 --> 0:32:27.440
<v Speaker 2>only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with

0:32:27.520 --> 0:32:30.960
<v Speaker 2>yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to

0:32:31.000 --> 0:32:33.360
<v Speaker 2>be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going

0:32:33.400 --> 0:32:36.920
<v Speaker 2>to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,

0:32:36.960 --> 0:32:39.000
<v Speaker 2>that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I

0:32:39.040 --> 0:32:40.760
<v Speaker 2>take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.

0:32:40.920 --> 0:32:43.800
<v Speaker 2>I control you. And that's why I have such good

0:32:43.800 --> 0:32:46.560
<v Speaker 2>experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I

0:32:46.600 --> 0:32:49.600
<v Speaker 2>don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over

0:32:49.680 --> 0:32:52.360
<v Speaker 2>my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.

0:32:52.520 --> 0:32:56.000
<v Speaker 2>That does not define you. That's one little blip and

0:32:56.040 --> 0:32:58.719
<v Speaker 2>it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?

0:32:59.680 --> 0:33:03.160
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself

0:33:03.160 --> 0:33:05.600
<v Speaker 6>get in my head and like kind of internalize It's

0:33:05.640 --> 0:33:08.280
<v Speaker 6>it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you

0:33:08.320 --> 0:33:10.440
<v Speaker 6>see it all the time on the internet, and I

0:33:10.480 --> 0:33:11.920
<v Speaker 6>think I have let it get in my head. And

0:33:11.960 --> 0:33:14.440
<v Speaker 6>one thing I guess I go back and forth on

0:33:14.600 --> 0:33:16.280
<v Speaker 6>is I want to wait until I feel like I'm

0:33:16.320 --> 0:33:18.760
<v Speaker 6>ready to like disclose and like kind of just give

0:33:18.800 --> 0:33:21.720
<v Speaker 6>myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,

0:33:21.840 --> 0:33:24.160
<v Speaker 6>like what if they react and they're like, well, that's

0:33:24.160 --> 0:33:26.200
<v Speaker 6>so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates

0:33:26.240 --> 0:33:28.680
<v Speaker 6>with you, and what is that mine to worry about?

0:33:28.720 --> 0:33:29.000
<v Speaker 5>Even?

0:33:29.440 --> 0:33:30.520
<v Speaker 2>No, no, but who care?

0:33:30.680 --> 0:33:32.440
<v Speaker 3>Like yeah, who cares?

0:33:32.560 --> 0:33:35.480
<v Speaker 2>So then that's not the right person. It's like you're

0:33:35.640 --> 0:33:38.440
<v Speaker 2>worrying about things that may or may not even happen.

0:33:38.960 --> 0:33:40.920
<v Speaker 2>You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your

0:33:40.960 --> 0:33:43.680
<v Speaker 2>own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,

0:33:43.720 --> 0:33:46.680
<v Speaker 2>and by that it's like sharing the information with a

0:33:46.720 --> 0:33:50.160
<v Speaker 2>person whom you're going to be romantic with in a

0:33:50.240 --> 0:33:52.640
<v Speaker 2>long term way. Even you know, like if you're having

0:33:52.640 --> 0:33:54.920
<v Speaker 2>a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some

0:33:54.960 --> 0:33:57.400
<v Speaker 2>people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection

0:33:57.520 --> 0:33:59.440
<v Speaker 2>and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good

0:33:59.480 --> 0:34:02.080
<v Speaker 2>to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail

0:34:02.160 --> 0:34:06.000
<v Speaker 2>for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.

0:34:06.480 --> 0:34:08.680
<v Speaker 2>Not so so stop it.

0:34:09.160 --> 0:34:10.480
<v Speaker 5>I feel like you just let her out too. I

0:34:10.520 --> 0:34:12.000
<v Speaker 5>feel like we just gave you the I feel like

0:34:12.000 --> 0:34:13.200
<v Speaker 5>this is the first day of the rest of your

0:34:13.200 --> 0:34:14.000
<v Speaker 5>sex life right now.

0:34:14.120 --> 0:34:14.719
<v Speaker 6>I hope it is.

0:34:14.760 --> 0:34:17.040
<v Speaker 3>I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and

0:34:17.120 --> 0:34:18.120
<v Speaker 3>report tonight.

0:34:19.080 --> 0:34:23.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.

0:34:23.360 --> 0:34:25.279
<v Speaker 2>So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but

0:34:25.400 --> 0:34:29.320
<v Speaker 2>we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,

0:34:29.400 --> 0:34:32.080
<v Speaker 2>but we want you to also get out there start

0:34:32.320 --> 0:34:36.359
<v Speaker 2>experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new

0:34:36.440 --> 0:34:38.280
<v Speaker 2>sexual person that you're about to become.

0:34:38.880 --> 0:34:41.920
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful

0:34:42.040 --> 0:34:43.719
<v Speaker 6>to hear people talking about it.

0:34:43.800 --> 0:34:46.120
<v Speaker 2>So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you

0:34:46.160 --> 0:34:46.680
<v Speaker 2>have cancer.

0:34:46.800 --> 0:34:49.360
<v Speaker 3>You don't like totally exactly.

0:34:49.480 --> 0:34:52.000
<v Speaker 2>You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.

0:34:52.400 --> 0:34:52.720
<v Speaker 6>Okay.

0:34:53.320 --> 0:34:55.239
<v Speaker 5>And these people, can I say, with the people who

0:34:55.280 --> 0:34:57.239
<v Speaker 5>show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,

0:34:57.560 --> 0:34:59.560
<v Speaker 5>I can't believe you told me it not your person,

0:34:59.680 --> 0:35:02.040
<v Speaker 5>like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.

0:35:02.200 --> 0:35:04.840
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.

0:35:05.200 --> 0:35:07.359
<v Speaker 1>Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.

0:35:07.480 --> 0:35:09.600
<v Speaker 2>Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update

0:35:09.640 --> 0:35:10.239
<v Speaker 2>in a few months.

0:35:10.239 --> 0:35:11.680
<v Speaker 6>Okay, we'll do take care.

0:35:12.000 --> 0:35:13.000
<v Speaker 2>Okay, takes care.

0:35:14.280 --> 0:35:14.400
<v Speaker 4>Well.

0:35:14.400 --> 0:35:19.399
<v Speaker 1>Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I

0:35:19.480 --> 0:35:21.560
<v Speaker 1>am a forty year old woman and I've only been

0:35:21.680 --> 0:35:23.960
<v Speaker 1>single for a year and a half of my entire

0:35:24.040 --> 0:35:27.319
<v Speaker 1>adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.

0:35:27.880 --> 0:35:31.319
<v Speaker 1>Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from

0:35:31.320 --> 0:35:33.400
<v Speaker 1>my husband and father of my two year old that

0:35:33.440 --> 0:35:35.960
<v Speaker 1>he identified as a woman and had been cheating on

0:35:36.000 --> 0:35:39.319
<v Speaker 1>me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed

0:35:39.320 --> 0:35:42.640
<v Speaker 1>a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful

0:35:42.640 --> 0:35:45.520
<v Speaker 1>man who I consider the love of my life. Life

0:35:45.600 --> 0:35:48.960
<v Speaker 1>circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the

0:35:48.960 --> 0:35:52.040
<v Speaker 1>initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I

0:35:52.120 --> 0:35:54.320
<v Speaker 1>know that I need to enjoy this time being single,

0:35:54.640 --> 0:35:59.080
<v Speaker 1>truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,

0:35:59.120 --> 0:36:01.400
<v Speaker 1>but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of

0:36:01.400 --> 0:36:04.040
<v Speaker 1>my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer

0:36:04.080 --> 0:36:06.640
<v Speaker 1>get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a

0:36:06.680 --> 0:36:10.080
<v Speaker 1>slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment

0:36:10.080 --> 0:36:12.239
<v Speaker 1>from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.

0:36:12.680 --> 0:36:15.600
<v Speaker 1>Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think

0:36:15.640 --> 0:36:18.560
<v Speaker 1>outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?

0:36:18.960 --> 0:36:24.120
<v Speaker 1>Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.

0:36:24.360 --> 0:36:25.319
<v Speaker 2>Hi, how are you?

0:36:26.040 --> 0:36:26.399
<v Speaker 3>I'm good?

0:36:26.440 --> 0:36:29.000
<v Speaker 2>How are you? This is Emily our sex work for

0:36:29.040 --> 0:36:33.279
<v Speaker 2>the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds

0:36:33.320 --> 0:36:35.960
<v Speaker 2>like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?

0:36:35.960 --> 0:36:37.200
<v Speaker 2>Pretty much? None?

0:36:37.400 --> 0:36:41.080
<v Speaker 3>Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.

0:36:41.120 --> 0:36:43.520
<v Speaker 4>Holy I just want to be excited about it, except

0:36:43.520 --> 0:36:45.920
<v Speaker 4>that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.

0:36:46.120 --> 0:36:47.080
<v Speaker 2>That's not fun.

0:36:48.040 --> 0:36:50.839
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So I do want to you know, I think

0:36:50.880 --> 0:36:54.839
<v Speaker 1>it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need

0:36:54.880 --> 0:36:57.440
<v Speaker 1>to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,

0:36:57.520 --> 0:36:59.759
<v Speaker 1>I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that

0:36:59.760 --> 0:37:02.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who

0:37:02.680 --> 0:37:07.480
<v Speaker 1>went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,

0:37:07.520 --> 0:37:09.719
<v Speaker 1>which is sort of this idea that like, unless you

0:37:09.719 --> 0:37:12.880
<v Speaker 1>have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel

0:37:12.960 --> 0:37:14.960
<v Speaker 1>connect with them, you just like don't really have a

0:37:14.960 --> 0:37:18.120
<v Speaker 1>sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do

0:37:18.160 --> 0:37:19.480
<v Speaker 1>you want to say a little more about that.

0:37:19.800 --> 0:37:22.560
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual

0:37:22.680 --> 0:37:25.640
<v Speaker 5>sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual

0:37:25.640 --> 0:37:27.799
<v Speaker 5>connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,

0:37:27.840 --> 0:37:29.279
<v Speaker 5>no one's expecting you need to go out there and

0:37:29.280 --> 0:37:30.800
<v Speaker 5>be able to bang somebody.

0:37:31.160 --> 0:37:31.400
<v Speaker 2>Does it?

0:37:31.480 --> 0:37:32.360
<v Speaker 3>Get the sex over with?

0:37:32.560 --> 0:37:35.400
<v Speaker 5>Like it's okay to say I know about myself that

0:37:35.480 --> 0:37:38.000
<v Speaker 5>I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and

0:37:38.080 --> 0:37:40.960
<v Speaker 5>safety with somebody. So I think we could still you

0:37:40.960 --> 0:37:43.319
<v Speaker 5>could still find that, But it sounds to me like

0:37:43.600 --> 0:37:46.280
<v Speaker 5>some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past

0:37:46.640 --> 0:37:50.200
<v Speaker 5>tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so

0:37:50.239 --> 0:37:52.840
<v Speaker 5>you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate

0:37:52.840 --> 0:37:55.000
<v Speaker 5>because there's no one out there, or I have this

0:37:55.160 --> 0:37:57.759
<v Speaker 5>need that can't be met, and I think that you'll

0:37:57.760 --> 0:38:01.200
<v Speaker 5>be surprised to find that you can. I know, you

0:38:01.239 --> 0:38:04.000
<v Speaker 5>can go out there and find new ways to meet

0:38:04.040 --> 0:38:07.080
<v Speaker 5>people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or

0:38:07.160 --> 0:38:09.040
<v Speaker 5>drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're

0:38:09.080 --> 0:38:12.160
<v Speaker 5>meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection

0:38:12.239 --> 0:38:14.280
<v Speaker 5>to this person. It's okay to take a few dates

0:38:14.320 --> 0:38:16.400
<v Speaker 5>and just see, and then it starts to be it's

0:38:16.440 --> 0:38:18.279
<v Speaker 5>okay to say that you need to know somebody before

0:38:18.280 --> 0:38:20.200
<v Speaker 5>you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to

0:38:20.600 --> 0:38:23.239
<v Speaker 5>have casual sex. And that's because in case of what

0:38:23.280 --> 0:38:25.280
<v Speaker 5>you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge

0:38:25.360 --> 0:38:26.600
<v Speaker 5>knowing that you need that connection.

0:38:27.800 --> 0:38:29.040
<v Speaker 2>I do, and I.

0:38:29.080 --> 0:38:31.480
<v Speaker 4>Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then

0:38:31.600 --> 0:38:34.880
<v Speaker 4>immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience

0:38:34.960 --> 0:38:37.759
<v Speaker 4>in the past, as it starts with a connection and

0:38:37.800 --> 0:38:40.120
<v Speaker 4>sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.

0:38:41.080 --> 0:38:42.880
<v Speaker 5>You could lead with that too, You could let people

0:38:43.000 --> 0:38:45.840
<v Speaker 5>what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.

0:38:46.000 --> 0:38:48.399
<v Speaker 5>If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let

0:38:48.400 --> 0:38:51.719
<v Speaker 5>people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,

0:38:51.840 --> 0:38:53.480
<v Speaker 5>what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you

0:38:53.480 --> 0:38:55.440
<v Speaker 5>can even say. You usually get into all the drama

0:38:55.600 --> 0:38:57.560
<v Speaker 5>like oh this guy was so right now where I'm

0:38:57.600 --> 0:38:59.880
<v Speaker 5>at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and

0:39:00.160 --> 0:39:02.120
<v Speaker 5>have a connection and have something that's a little bit

0:39:02.120 --> 0:39:05.040
<v Speaker 5>more casual. But I mean this is I have two

0:39:05.120 --> 0:39:06.960
<v Speaker 5>nights a week to see you. I have one night

0:39:07.000 --> 0:39:08.640
<v Speaker 5>a week. I would like it to be like this,

0:39:08.760 --> 0:39:11.440
<v Speaker 5>I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,

0:39:11.640 --> 0:39:15.000
<v Speaker 5>just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,

0:39:15.080 --> 0:39:16.920
<v Speaker 5>well that's either what I am looking for or not

0:39:16.960 --> 0:39:19.560
<v Speaker 5>looking for. I think it's okay to be to be

0:39:19.600 --> 0:39:21.520
<v Speaker 5>clear that you're going to be surprised how many people

0:39:21.520 --> 0:39:23.480
<v Speaker 5>you find that are on board with you. And I'm

0:39:23.480 --> 0:39:24.960
<v Speaker 5>not even saying the first date you got to say

0:39:25.000 --> 0:39:28.160
<v Speaker 5>all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,

0:39:28.239 --> 0:39:33.120
<v Speaker 5>it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.

0:39:33.440 --> 0:39:35.239
<v Speaker 5>In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and

0:39:35.280 --> 0:39:36.600
<v Speaker 5>I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,

0:39:36.640 --> 0:39:38.879
<v Speaker 5>I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's

0:39:39.000 --> 0:39:41.839
<v Speaker 5>just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.

0:39:42.160 --> 0:39:44.239
<v Speaker 5>Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you

0:39:44.320 --> 0:39:47.440
<v Speaker 5>feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you

0:39:47.520 --> 0:39:49.680
<v Speaker 5>know what what makes you feel connected is that I

0:39:49.680 --> 0:39:51.399
<v Speaker 5>text them every day, is that I see them four

0:39:51.440 --> 0:39:53.400
<v Speaker 5>days a week. So you could decide that you're going

0:39:53.480 --> 0:39:56.200
<v Speaker 5>to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see

0:39:56.200 --> 0:39:58.760
<v Speaker 5>them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,

0:39:59.120 --> 0:40:02.160
<v Speaker 5>but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you

0:40:02.200 --> 0:40:05.080
<v Speaker 5>don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,

0:40:05.120 --> 0:40:07.840
<v Speaker 5>and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,

0:40:07.880 --> 0:40:09.840
<v Speaker 5>and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in

0:40:10.280 --> 0:40:11.960
<v Speaker 5>you know what I mean, set yourself up for success

0:40:12.000 --> 0:40:13.719
<v Speaker 5>this week because you know what you don't want it

0:40:13.760 --> 0:40:14.200
<v Speaker 5>to look like.

0:40:14.760 --> 0:40:17.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.

0:40:18.120 --> 0:40:20.520
<v Speaker 4>I've During the year and a half that I was

0:40:20.680 --> 0:40:23.680
<v Speaker 4>quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,

0:40:23.800 --> 0:40:25.880
<v Speaker 4>go on dates and maybe have sex with one or

0:40:25.880 --> 0:40:29.359
<v Speaker 4>two people. I would go to sex parties. I had

0:40:29.400 --> 0:40:32.319
<v Speaker 4>a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a

0:40:32.320 --> 0:40:36.800
<v Speaker 4>lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there

0:40:36.920 --> 0:40:38.040
<v Speaker 4>mentally or emotionally.

0:40:38.719 --> 0:40:40.879
<v Speaker 2>And is it going to be a problem for you

0:40:40.960 --> 0:40:43.680
<v Speaker 2>to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six

0:40:43.719 --> 0:40:46.719
<v Speaker 2>months off of having sex with another person. What does

0:40:46.760 --> 0:40:49.600
<v Speaker 2>that mean to you if when you hear that.

0:40:48.880 --> 0:40:50.080
<v Speaker 1>That doesn't freak me out.

0:40:50.200 --> 0:40:54.319
<v Speaker 4>I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and

0:40:54.480 --> 0:40:57.000
<v Speaker 4>enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.

0:40:57.040 --> 0:40:59.160
<v Speaker 4>I want to and hang out with friends without that

0:40:59.280 --> 0:41:02.880
<v Speaker 4>even being an issue, without even putting myself out there

0:41:03.360 --> 0:41:06.640
<v Speaker 4>to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little

0:41:06.640 --> 0:41:09.080
<v Speaker 4>bit of sadness of that part of my life that

0:41:09.120 --> 0:41:10.280
<v Speaker 4>I'm going to miss.

0:41:10.560 --> 0:41:13.480
<v Speaker 2>Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.

0:41:13.520 --> 0:41:15.759
<v Speaker 2>You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,

0:41:16.320 --> 0:41:18.960
<v Speaker 2>Like that's not hard to find. But I also just

0:41:19.000 --> 0:41:20.799
<v Speaker 2>from listening to you, the fact that you've been in

0:41:20.840 --> 0:41:25.279
<v Speaker 2>relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is

0:41:25.320 --> 0:41:28.279
<v Speaker 2>a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do

0:41:28.360 --> 0:41:30.959
<v Speaker 2>all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going

0:41:31.000 --> 0:41:33.960
<v Speaker 2>to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,

0:41:34.560 --> 0:41:37.680
<v Speaker 2>especially with your history and especially with you know, being

0:41:37.719 --> 0:41:40.560
<v Speaker 2>out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard

0:41:40.560 --> 0:41:43.000
<v Speaker 2>to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted

0:41:43.040 --> 0:41:45.200
<v Speaker 2>to again and wanting to have sex. But I would

0:41:45.360 --> 0:41:48.760
<v Speaker 2>even more focus just on this time investing in yourself

0:41:49.200 --> 0:41:52.160
<v Speaker 2>and taking this kind of window that you have and

0:41:52.239 --> 0:41:53.759
<v Speaker 2>being like, I'm going to do all the shit I

0:41:53.800 --> 0:41:55.520
<v Speaker 2>want to do right now while I don't have to

0:41:55.520 --> 0:41:57.279
<v Speaker 2>be tethered to somebody else who may or may not

0:41:57.320 --> 0:41:59.520
<v Speaker 2>want to join me doing these things, or prevent me

0:41:59.520 --> 0:42:01.640
<v Speaker 2>from doing the things because we have to do his things,

0:42:02.000 --> 0:42:04.680
<v Speaker 2>or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think

0:42:04.680 --> 0:42:08.000
<v Speaker 2>it's very important for all women to spend a significant

0:42:08.040 --> 0:42:11.120
<v Speaker 2>amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you

0:42:11.239 --> 0:42:13.399
<v Speaker 2>are and to be able to ask for the things

0:42:13.440 --> 0:42:16.920
<v Speaker 2>that you want and to understand what you do want.

0:42:17.120 --> 0:42:19.200
<v Speaker 2>You know what I mean, Because you might spend six

0:42:19.239 --> 0:42:22.759
<v Speaker 2>months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I

0:42:22.840 --> 0:42:25.200
<v Speaker 2>want this. I want to be alone for another year

0:42:25.600 --> 0:42:28.080
<v Speaker 2>before I get into anything serious, or I may not

0:42:28.160 --> 0:42:30.960
<v Speaker 2>want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion

0:42:31.000 --> 0:42:33.480
<v Speaker 2>you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white

0:42:33.520 --> 0:42:37.200
<v Speaker 2>like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for

0:42:37.280 --> 0:42:40.080
<v Speaker 2>growth for you, and you should just look at it

0:42:40.160 --> 0:42:43.440
<v Speaker 2>like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,

0:42:43.680 --> 0:42:45.480
<v Speaker 2>it's not like that. Look at all the things that

0:42:45.520 --> 0:42:47.719
<v Speaker 2>you're gaining by being alone and being able to go

0:42:47.760 --> 0:42:50.840
<v Speaker 2>to the museums, by being able to go to movies

0:42:50.880 --> 0:42:54.520
<v Speaker 2>by yourself or plays or with friends and not have

0:42:54.600 --> 0:42:57.319
<v Speaker 2>that kind of coupledom attached to it all.

0:42:57.840 --> 0:42:59.879
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.

0:43:00.440 --> 0:43:01.920
<v Speaker 5>So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was

0:43:02.040 --> 0:43:04.920
<v Speaker 5>not healthy in the past and all that taking six

0:43:04.960 --> 0:43:06.960
<v Speaker 5>months and saying I'm going to do I did this

0:43:07.000 --> 0:43:09.279
<v Speaker 5>when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It

0:43:09.360 --> 0:43:11.400
<v Speaker 5>was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not

0:43:11.520 --> 0:43:14.320
<v Speaker 5>doing it for six months, and it was so freeing

0:43:14.880 --> 0:43:15.760
<v Speaker 5>to be like I don't.

0:43:15.600 --> 0:43:16.520
<v Speaker 3>Have to think about it.

0:43:16.560 --> 0:43:17.239
<v Speaker 2>I can do me.

0:43:17.480 --> 0:43:19.080
<v Speaker 5>I can figure out who I am without a man

0:43:19.120 --> 0:43:20.640
<v Speaker 5>in my life, because I kept going from one to

0:43:20.680 --> 0:43:22.839
<v Speaker 5>the next and I really just wanted to figure out.

0:43:22.840 --> 0:43:24.799
<v Speaker 5>And it was such a wonderful time to get to

0:43:24.840 --> 0:43:27.399
<v Speaker 5>know who I am without a guy. I can go

0:43:27.440 --> 0:43:29.120
<v Speaker 5>to the opper where I can go see friends, I

0:43:29.160 --> 0:43:32.000
<v Speaker 5>can really think about it and I can reflect. It

0:43:32.000 --> 0:43:34.200
<v Speaker 5>gives you this open space to say what worked in

0:43:34.239 --> 0:43:36.880
<v Speaker 5>the past, what didn't work in the past. There so

0:43:36.960 --> 0:43:39.400
<v Speaker 5>much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,

0:43:39.440 --> 0:43:42.240
<v Speaker 5>you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready

0:43:42.280 --> 0:43:45.040
<v Speaker 5>to step back into the dating world, and there's just

0:43:44.920 --> 0:43:46.640
<v Speaker 5>just realize how much time you have when you're not

0:43:46.680 --> 0:43:49.319
<v Speaker 5>thinking about texting someone and am I going to have

0:43:49.400 --> 0:43:52.759
<v Speaker 5>sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in

0:43:52.800 --> 0:43:56.200
<v Speaker 5>the time of relationship with yourself and.

0:43:56.280 --> 0:43:57.120
<v Speaker 4>Looking forward to that.

0:43:57.760 --> 0:43:59.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book

0:43:59.880 --> 0:44:02.479
<v Speaker 1>to you about when it does come to solo sex

0:44:02.560 --> 0:44:06.439
<v Speaker 1>or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what

0:44:06.560 --> 0:44:09.799
<v Speaker 1>you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that

0:44:09.880 --> 0:44:13.160
<v Speaker 1>maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally

0:44:13.680 --> 0:44:16.840
<v Speaker 1>work on, or is having a thriving sex life that

0:44:16.880 --> 0:44:19.080
<v Speaker 1>like doesn't involve another partner for a while.

0:44:19.520 --> 0:44:19.960
<v Speaker 3>Exactly.

0:44:20.040 --> 0:44:23.080
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made

0:44:23.760 --> 0:44:26.399
<v Speaker 5>was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't

0:44:26.400 --> 0:44:29.200
<v Speaker 5>think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I

0:44:29.200 --> 0:44:30.880
<v Speaker 5>didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.

0:44:30.920 --> 0:44:31.680
<v Speaker 3>I didn't even know.

0:44:31.760 --> 0:44:33.200
<v Speaker 5>And I was like, I'm going to take time and

0:44:33.239 --> 0:44:36.360
<v Speaker 5>figure out my own owner's manual because I used to

0:44:36.440 --> 0:44:37.719
<v Speaker 5>leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he

0:44:37.840 --> 0:44:39.520
<v Speaker 5>must be able to figure it out, and like they

0:44:39.560 --> 0:44:41.399
<v Speaker 5>don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one

0:44:41.480 --> 0:44:43.799
<v Speaker 5>really knows, so I might as well take the time.

0:44:43.840 --> 0:44:46.399
<v Speaker 5>I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking

0:44:46.400 --> 0:44:48.319
<v Speaker 5>about researching it, and then I was realized. When I

0:44:48.400 --> 0:44:52.040
<v Speaker 5>was with a partner, not only was I more embodied

0:44:52.280 --> 0:44:54.799
<v Speaker 5>and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,

0:44:54.880 --> 0:44:57.160
<v Speaker 5>uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,

0:44:57.239 --> 0:44:59.280
<v Speaker 5>like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.

0:44:59.320 --> 0:45:01.480
<v Speaker 5>That's what's going to w Like. I was able to

0:45:01.480 --> 0:45:03.719
<v Speaker 5>be my own best advocate, and I want that for

0:45:03.800 --> 0:45:05.880
<v Speaker 5>you too. Most of us don't take time for that

0:45:06.160 --> 0:45:10.719
<v Speaker 5>at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,

0:45:10.840 --> 0:45:14.240
<v Speaker 5>masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.

0:45:14.640 --> 0:45:18.040
<v Speaker 2>Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,

0:45:18.160 --> 0:45:20.040
<v Speaker 2>and then go to a museum and see how you

0:45:20.120 --> 0:45:20.360
<v Speaker 2>like that.

0:45:20.480 --> 0:45:25.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.

0:45:25.920 --> 0:45:30.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to

0:45:30.920 --> 0:45:34.920
<v Speaker 2>help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.

0:45:34.880 --> 0:45:38.920
<v Speaker 1>Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.

0:45:40.040 --> 0:45:40.239
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:45:40.320 --> 0:45:42.919
<v Speaker 1>I thought that was a really important call, just because

0:45:42.920 --> 0:45:44.600
<v Speaker 1>I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my

0:45:44.640 --> 0:45:46.560
<v Speaker 1>sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,

0:45:46.560 --> 0:45:47.480
<v Speaker 1>and I don't think that's true.

0:45:47.520 --> 0:45:49.960
<v Speaker 2>But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just

0:45:50.000 --> 0:45:52.960
<v Speaker 2>stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.

0:45:53.239 --> 0:45:53.600
<v Speaker 1>It's not.

0:45:53.960 --> 0:45:56.440
<v Speaker 2>It's like, just because you break up and you don't

0:45:56.480 --> 0:45:58.319
<v Speaker 2>have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a

0:45:58.360 --> 0:46:01.959
<v Speaker 2>boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work

0:46:02.040 --> 0:46:05.719
<v Speaker 2>like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,

0:46:05.880 --> 0:46:09.080
<v Speaker 2>embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality

0:46:09.120 --> 0:46:11.319
<v Speaker 2>for however long, because it could be a month and

0:46:11.360 --> 0:46:12.960
<v Speaker 2>she could fall in love with another guy and then

0:46:13.000 --> 0:46:15.120
<v Speaker 2>she only had that month to herself, and that's a

0:46:15.120 --> 0:46:18.239
<v Speaker 2>bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.

0:46:18.320 --> 0:46:19.440
<v Speaker 3>Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.

0:46:19.480 --> 0:46:22.600
<v Speaker 1>If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and

0:46:22.640 --> 0:46:25.600
<v Speaker 1>we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,

0:46:30.040 --> 0:46:35.200
<v Speaker 1>and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.

0:46:35.480 --> 0:46:39.239
<v Speaker 1>Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and

0:46:39.280 --> 0:46:41.600
<v Speaker 1>have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past

0:46:41.640 --> 0:46:44.200
<v Speaker 1>three and a half years. We both have been previously

0:46:44.239 --> 0:46:46.719
<v Speaker 1>married and have kids. I've learned over the past two

0:46:46.800 --> 0:46:50.120
<v Speaker 1>years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.

0:46:50.200 --> 0:46:52.400
<v Speaker 1>Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was

0:46:52.440 --> 0:46:55.560
<v Speaker 1>turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,

0:46:55.760 --> 0:46:59.319
<v Speaker 1>two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She

0:46:59.400 --> 0:47:01.399
<v Speaker 1>also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed

0:47:01.440 --> 0:47:03.640
<v Speaker 1>that night. He told me that he and his ex

0:47:03.680 --> 0:47:06.319
<v Speaker 1>wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and

0:47:06.360 --> 0:47:08.480
<v Speaker 1>she told them that she's not ready for sex, but

0:47:08.560 --> 0:47:11.400
<v Speaker 1>just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,

0:47:11.680 --> 0:47:13.759
<v Speaker 1>his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were

0:47:13.800 --> 0:47:17.719
<v Speaker 1>all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue

0:47:17.719 --> 0:47:19.480
<v Speaker 1>for the kids and they were even allowed some beer

0:47:19.520 --> 0:47:21.919
<v Speaker 1>to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night

0:47:21.960 --> 0:47:24.880
<v Speaker 1>and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect

0:47:24.880 --> 0:47:27.919
<v Speaker 1>for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after

0:47:27.960 --> 0:47:29.640
<v Speaker 1>I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for

0:47:29.680 --> 0:47:31.959
<v Speaker 1>a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even

0:47:32.000 --> 0:47:35.839
<v Speaker 1>had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about

0:47:35.840 --> 0:47:37.920
<v Speaker 1>his daughter and found out that she's now on the

0:47:37.960 --> 0:47:41.120
<v Speaker 1>pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news

0:47:41.160 --> 0:47:43.360
<v Speaker 1>came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I

0:47:43.440 --> 0:47:46.120
<v Speaker 1>knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I

0:47:46.160 --> 0:47:49.520
<v Speaker 1>can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to

0:47:49.560 --> 0:47:51.840
<v Speaker 1>my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his

0:47:51.920 --> 0:47:54.840
<v Speaker 1>daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud

0:47:54.840 --> 0:47:57.120
<v Speaker 1>that she's having sex at such a young age, but

0:47:57.239 --> 0:47:59.279
<v Speaker 1>believes that she's very mature and it was bound to

0:47:59.280 --> 0:48:02.520
<v Speaker 1>happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love

0:48:02.560 --> 0:48:05.720
<v Speaker 1>and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.

0:48:06.320 --> 0:48:08.799
<v Speaker 1>I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him

0:48:08.840 --> 0:48:11.680
<v Speaker 1>as a father and a parent. With a twelve year

0:48:11.719 --> 0:48:13.759
<v Speaker 1>old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still

0:48:13.840 --> 0:48:16.600
<v Speaker 1>many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,

0:48:16.760 --> 0:48:19.040
<v Speaker 1>So why do I care so much? What do you

0:48:19.040 --> 0:48:20.359
<v Speaker 1>think I should do? Beth?

0:48:21.280 --> 0:48:24.800
<v Speaker 2>Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.

0:48:24.920 --> 0:48:28.439
<v Speaker 2>You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are

0:48:28.640 --> 0:48:33.920
<v Speaker 2>very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you

0:48:33.960 --> 0:48:37.240
<v Speaker 2>know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser

0:48:37.239 --> 0:48:39.879
<v Speaker 2>with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They

0:48:39.960 --> 0:48:42.560
<v Speaker 2>the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,

0:48:43.000 --> 0:48:45.759
<v Speaker 2>they have a lot less fucked up children because they're

0:48:45.760 --> 0:48:48.080
<v Speaker 2>not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,

0:48:48.200 --> 0:48:50.600
<v Speaker 2>or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen

0:48:50.680 --> 0:48:52.520
<v Speaker 2>is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I

0:48:52.560 --> 0:48:55.040
<v Speaker 2>was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,

0:48:55.360 --> 0:48:58.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a

0:48:58.239 --> 0:49:01.359
<v Speaker 2>little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's

0:49:01.440 --> 0:49:05.359
<v Speaker 2>not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna

0:49:05.360 --> 0:49:07.560
<v Speaker 2>have children with him. Did she says she wants children

0:49:07.600 --> 0:49:07.919
<v Speaker 2>with him.

0:49:08.520 --> 0:49:10.920
<v Speaker 1>No, but she has kids of her own as well.

0:49:11.000 --> 0:49:12.640
<v Speaker 1>I just think they're not under the same roof.

0:49:12.840 --> 0:49:16.279
<v Speaker 2>Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let

0:49:16.320 --> 0:49:19.840
<v Speaker 2>him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just

0:49:19.920 --> 0:49:23.879
<v Speaker 2>too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's

0:49:23.920 --> 0:49:27.440
<v Speaker 2>really not your issue to ever even give your opinions

0:49:27.480 --> 0:49:28.560
<v Speaker 2>on unless you're asked.

0:49:28.960 --> 0:49:31.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.

0:49:31.480 --> 0:49:31.680
<v Speaker 1>You know.

0:49:32.880 --> 0:49:35.280
<v Speaker 2>By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.

0:49:36.120 --> 0:49:38.000
<v Speaker 5>We are so messed up because what happens in BA

0:49:38.120 --> 0:49:39.280
<v Speaker 5>exactly what happens in America.

0:49:39.320 --> 0:49:41.920
<v Speaker 2>We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So

0:49:42.200 --> 0:49:44.040
<v Speaker 2>remember that Joernals don't do that.

0:49:44.200 --> 0:49:46.200
<v Speaker 5>No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have

0:49:46.239 --> 0:49:49.480
<v Speaker 5>the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They

0:49:49.480 --> 0:49:52.240
<v Speaker 5>start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially

0:49:52.239 --> 0:49:55.040
<v Speaker 5>the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're

0:49:55.040 --> 0:49:56.800
<v Speaker 5>not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.

0:49:56.840 --> 0:49:59.440
<v Speaker 5>They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They

0:49:59.440 --> 0:50:01.680
<v Speaker 5>don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's

0:50:01.680 --> 0:50:04.719
<v Speaker 5>your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk

0:50:04.760 --> 0:50:07.759
<v Speaker 5>about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy

0:50:07.800 --> 0:50:11.120
<v Speaker 5>it's like this where his kids grew up is they

0:50:11.160 --> 0:50:14.279
<v Speaker 5>have sex education where they do talk about STIs and

0:50:14.320 --> 0:50:17.120
<v Speaker 5>getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,

0:50:17.400 --> 0:50:19.520
<v Speaker 5>here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how

0:50:19.520 --> 0:50:22.799
<v Speaker 5>you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive

0:50:22.800 --> 0:50:25.640
<v Speaker 5>sex education in school. And his daughter came to him

0:50:25.640 --> 0:50:27.439
<v Speaker 5>and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.

0:50:27.480 --> 0:50:29.080
<v Speaker 5>He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control

0:50:29.120 --> 0:50:31.279
<v Speaker 5>pill and all those things. So I understand why that's

0:50:31.280 --> 0:50:35.319
<v Speaker 5>foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids

0:50:35.360 --> 0:50:37.600
<v Speaker 5>are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at

0:50:37.600 --> 0:50:40.960
<v Speaker 5>like eight years old on their iPad and then they're

0:50:41.000 --> 0:50:43.919
<v Speaker 5>just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero

0:50:44.160 --> 0:50:47.000
<v Speaker 5>for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,

0:50:47.080 --> 0:50:48.520
<v Speaker 5>and then they go off and have sex and they

0:50:48.520 --> 0:50:50.759
<v Speaker 5>have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with

0:50:50.880 --> 0:50:53.640
<v Speaker 5>him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna

0:50:53.640 --> 0:50:55.920
<v Speaker 5>have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have

0:50:56.040 --> 0:50:58.280
<v Speaker 5>me do it to my home without alcohol and telling

0:50:58.280 --> 0:51:00.719
<v Speaker 5>me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,

0:51:00.880 --> 0:51:02.000
<v Speaker 5>and I'll stand your own kids.

0:51:02.080 --> 0:51:04.360
<v Speaker 2>That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting

0:51:04.440 --> 0:51:08.120
<v Speaker 2>has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They

0:51:08.120 --> 0:51:10.520
<v Speaker 2>are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy

0:51:10.560 --> 0:51:14.399
<v Speaker 2>dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids

0:51:14.440 --> 0:51:15.359
<v Speaker 2>aren't like that, you.

0:51:15.320 --> 0:51:16.839
<v Speaker 3>Know, messed up about it.

0:51:16.920 --> 0:51:19.360
<v Speaker 2>Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on

0:51:19.400 --> 0:51:23.960
<v Speaker 2>some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?

0:51:24.120 --> 0:51:27.440
<v Speaker 2>You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to

0:51:27.480 --> 0:51:30.440
<v Speaker 2>read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,

0:51:30.480 --> 0:51:32.000
<v Speaker 2>So I didn't get a chance to read it, but

0:51:32.000 --> 0:51:33.359
<v Speaker 2>I got to dive right in.

0:51:33.560 --> 0:51:36.520
<v Speaker 5>Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks

0:51:36.520 --> 0:51:38.799
<v Speaker 5>for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a

0:51:38.960 --> 0:51:41.600
<v Speaker 5>blast and this is a good time.

0:51:42.080 --> 0:51:45.760
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added

0:51:45.760 --> 0:51:49.400
<v Speaker 2>more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I

0:51:49.400 --> 0:51:53.120
<v Speaker 2>added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am

0:51:53.200 --> 0:51:56.920
<v Speaker 2>going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.

0:51:57.040 --> 0:52:01.880
<v Speaker 2>I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh

0:52:01.920 --> 0:52:04.799
<v Speaker 2>and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.

0:52:05.000 --> 0:52:07.440
<v Speaker 2>I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there

0:52:07.480 --> 0:52:11.319
<v Speaker 2>November second and third. And I added a second show

0:52:11.360 --> 0:52:14.120
<v Speaker 2>in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be

0:52:14.120 --> 0:52:17.320
<v Speaker 2>there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows

0:52:17.320 --> 0:52:21.880
<v Speaker 2>in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,

0:52:22.000 --> 0:52:25.240
<v Speaker 2>d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.

0:52:25.680 --> 0:52:28.920
<v Speaker 2>And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm

0:52:28.960 --> 0:52:33.840
<v Speaker 2>coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland

0:52:33.920 --> 0:52:36.920
<v Speaker 2>Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I

0:52:36.920 --> 0:52:39.720
<v Speaker 2>can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,

0:52:39.760 --> 0:52:44.160
<v Speaker 2>Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and

0:52:44.440 --> 0:52:48.200
<v Speaker 2>I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which

0:52:48.239 --> 0:52:51.040
<v Speaker 2>is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,

0:52:51.040 --> 0:52:53.600
<v Speaker 2>August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long

0:52:53.600 --> 0:52:56.920
<v Speaker 2>Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.

0:52:57.600 --> 0:52:59.920
<v Speaker 1>If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

0:53:00.040 --> 0:53:03.040
<v Speaker 1>at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

0:53:03.080 --> 0:53:06.120
<v Speaker 1>sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

0:53:06.160 --> 0:53:09.799
<v Speaker 1>and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and

0:53:09.880 --> 0:53:16.560
<v Speaker 1>be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.