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Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,

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Speaker 2: as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.

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Speaker 2: I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.

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Speaker 2: I did a cameo in this movie where I played

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Speaker 2: the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's

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Speaker 2: from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but

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Speaker 2: it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,

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Speaker 2: it was great. And then I came down to the

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Speaker 2: city because I have shows this weekend, and there is

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Speaker 2: a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in

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Speaker 2: New York City not to go outside and to limit

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Speaker 2: your time outside because the air quality is so bad.

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Speaker 2: It is so ominous looking in the city, and it

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Speaker 2: is what I imagine it must have looked like after

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Speaker 2: nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze

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Speaker 2: that is just covering the city. It is brown like,

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Speaker 2: it is a light that I have never seen, and

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Speaker 2: it is very apocalyptic.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just

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Speaker 2: getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what

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Speaker 2: our future is going to be, like a bunch of

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Speaker 2: fires and smoke and not being able to go outside

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Speaker 2: for days at a time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?

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Speaker 3: Well?

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Speaker 1: I am currently recording from a car because my power

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Speaker 1: went out, So here we are. We're just you know,

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Speaker 1: the show must go on.

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Speaker 2: I feel like the world is ending right now and

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Speaker 2: may may end during this recording.

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Speaker 1: That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this

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Speaker 1: last week and we had a lovely time. We just

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Speaker 1: did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,

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Speaker 1: we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits

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Speaker 1: of Laura. It was a doorball.

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Speaker 2: It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So what's your weekend?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that

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Speaker 2: I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's

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Speaker 2: a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is

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Speaker 2: directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,

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Speaker 2: we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,

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Speaker 2: So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see

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Speaker 2: that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.

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Speaker 1: Know them amazing, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring

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Speaker 2: because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,

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Speaker 2: it's so nice to be around them and spend time

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Speaker 2: with them. Like I have this whole group of like

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Speaker 2: young comics in my life that I just love being

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Speaker 2: around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I love newness. I like

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Speaker 2: anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like

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Speaker 2: one of them was like, you've been such a supporter

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Speaker 2: of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you

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Speaker 2: guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of

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Speaker 2: oomph and stand up too, like being around people who

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Speaker 2: are fresh and excited about it and new about it.

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Speaker 1: And doing something different and have a different vibe.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who

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Speaker 2: opens for me on all my tour dates and if

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Speaker 2: you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or

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Speaker 2: actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because

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Speaker 2: now we're in because I've declared her to be my

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Speaker 2: daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I

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Speaker 2: gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's what I've got going on. Girl.

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Speaker 4: Oh.

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Speaker 2: We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,

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Speaker 2: added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some

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Speaker 2: other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and

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Speaker 2: I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I

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Speaker 2: have something after this tour. If there are tickets available

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Speaker 2: in your city and you want to come to the show,

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Speaker 2: by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows

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Speaker 2: again because of scheduling.

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Speaker 1: You got some traveling to do this summer.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: get my condoms ready, Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: I am having a little bit of a problem at home.

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Speaker 1: You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,

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Speaker 1: and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell

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Speaker 1: really like to hump. They like to hump, they like

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Speaker 1: to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot

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Speaker 1: like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what

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Speaker 1: is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie

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Speaker 1: will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets

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Speaker 1: really really into it. I don't know whether just to

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Speaker 1: like let them be dogs or to try and break

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Speaker 1: it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but

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Speaker 1: it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: for me.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what to say about that. I don't

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Speaker 2: know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you

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Speaker 2: handle such things?

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Speaker 1: I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.

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Speaker 1: It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw

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Speaker 1: on the back of her head and like go crazy.

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Speaker 2: It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.

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Speaker 1: It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.

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Speaker 1: This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really

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Speaker 1: like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,

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Speaker 1: and I'm really uncomfortable with that.

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Speaker 2: Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have

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Speaker 2: sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,

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Speaker 2: she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object

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Speaker 2: to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She

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Speaker 2: was so excited to come for a ride today.

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Speaker 1: She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's

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Speaker 1: just sitting down there being.

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Speaker 2: A doorable, I know. And then my little and then

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Speaker 2: my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.

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Speaker 2: He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you

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Speaker 2: have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.

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Speaker 2: She's just at okay, do you know where you are?

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Speaker 1: You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on

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Speaker 2: her or she was going down on someone else. I

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Speaker 2: wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers

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Speaker 2: sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just

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Speaker 2: the other two just a little too.

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Speaker 1: But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her

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Speaker 1: whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.

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Speaker 1: And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like it.

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Speaker 1: Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today

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Speaker 1: is pretty exciting.

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Speaker 2: She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality

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Speaker 2: podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on

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Speaker 2: the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre

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Speaker 2: order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to

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Speaker 2: Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that

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Speaker 2: comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of

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Speaker 2: toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just

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Speaker 2: all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's

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Speaker 2: her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both

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Speaker 2: of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,

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Speaker 2: so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice

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Speaker 2: to see Chelsea.

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Speaker 3: I'm so happy to see you.

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Speaker 2: You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,

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Speaker 2: whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly

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Speaker 2: talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.

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Speaker 5: Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost

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Speaker 5: your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty

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Speaker 5: years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.

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Speaker 5: And I started this because I was having bad I

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Speaker 5: was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.

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Speaker 2: I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as

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Speaker 2: a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because

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Speaker 2: I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody

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Speaker 2: what to do you don't know them that well. It's

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Speaker 2: not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,

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Speaker 2: as a woman, I know what to say that's good.

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Speaker 2: As a younger.

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Speaker 5: Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid

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Speaker 5: thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,

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Speaker 5: and I just thought that it was I thought it

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Speaker 5: was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost

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Speaker 5: twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking

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Speaker 5: about sex, and so I started a podcast and started

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Speaker 5: interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back

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Speaker 5: to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,

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Speaker 5: after all these years, it was a lot of the

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Speaker 5: same questions every single day, from people saying, how do

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Speaker 5: I have an orgasm?

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Speaker 3: Which all with my penis.

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Speaker 5: People want a quick fix when it comes to sec

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Speaker 5: They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and

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Speaker 5: that's gonna help me?

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Speaker 3: Can I use lube?

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Speaker 5: That might help you? But what this book is really

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Speaker 5: about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been

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Speaker 5: like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.

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Speaker 5: They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically

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Speaker 5: works for you. But I created these five pillars of

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Speaker 5: sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like

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Speaker 5: am I in my body during sex? My health infects

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Speaker 5: it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.

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Speaker 5: So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.

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Speaker 5: So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm

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Speaker 5: feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most

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Speaker 5: of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm

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Speaker 5: distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm

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Speaker 5: fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's

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Speaker 5: that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to

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Speaker 5: be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,

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Speaker 5: what does just great sex mean? And so I realized

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Speaker 5: that the pillars are like being in your body, even

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Speaker 5: if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm

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Speaker 5: looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes

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Speaker 5: or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like

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Speaker 5: usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one

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Speaker 5: of the pillars is like, can I be present even

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Speaker 5: for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate

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Speaker 5: as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm

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Speaker 5: distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of

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Speaker 5: take my five senses and I'll say, what am I

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Speaker 5: smelling right now?

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Speaker 3: What am I hearing?

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Speaker 2: Right now?

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Speaker 5: I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately

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Speaker 5: grounds me in the moment. So I has some of

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Speaker 5: those practices. One of the top questions is why can't

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Speaker 5: I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,

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Speaker 5: it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind

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Speaker 5: of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had

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Speaker 5: trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that

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Speaker 5: might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might

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Speaker 5: be on the birth control pill, I might be on

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Speaker 5: a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people

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Speaker 5: don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed

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Speaker 5: into this area where like, well, it was amazing at

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Speaker 5: the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so

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Speaker 5: I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it

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Speaker 5: could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.

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Speaker 5: So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,

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Speaker 5: like how well do I know myself? Like I know

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Speaker 5: that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.

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Speaker 5: I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.

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Speaker 5: If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,

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Speaker 5: I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and

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Speaker 5: ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my

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Speaker 5: pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I

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Speaker 5: turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're

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Speaker 5: Do you ever feel like you're not in the move

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Speaker 5: for sex and you don't know why?

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Speaker 3: Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.

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Speaker 2: I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I

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Speaker 2: think more frequently than it does when you're in sane

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Speaker 2: exacting after a year.

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Speaker 5: Sex right, and most people I think after a while

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Speaker 5: they don't want to in a relationship. And I and

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Speaker 5: we think that we should just be turned out like

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Speaker 5: a drop of hat like and then we're not. So

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Speaker 5: I think about like if it's yeah, like things are

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Speaker 5: a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel

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Speaker 5: great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's

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Speaker 5: one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's

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Speaker 5: like confidence, like how do I feel like when you

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Speaker 5: walk around all day and I'm sure I know you

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Speaker 5: hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like

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Speaker 5: we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't

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Speaker 5: want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do

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Speaker 5: we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,

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Speaker 5: get naked and be ready to go if all day long,

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Speaker 5: I am like not feeling good about it. So I

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Speaker 5: have like mantra and things people can do to feel

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Speaker 5: a little more confident. I just realize that's one area

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Speaker 5: that I got to work out. And the fifth one

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Speaker 5: is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like

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Speaker 5: most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their

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Speaker 5: partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.

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Speaker 5: And I have a lot of tools how to awkward

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Speaker 5: conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's

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Speaker 5: just good to be great. And I teach people how

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Speaker 5: to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with

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Speaker 5: someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that

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Speaker 5: they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they

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Speaker 5: would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like

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Speaker 5: a jackhammer?

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Speaker 2: Again?

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Speaker 3: How do I tell them to stop?

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Speaker 5: And so I have tips for like talking about your

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Speaker 5: fantasies and making it hot.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.

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Speaker 2: I think is the pressure of when you're in a

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Speaker 2: long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,

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Speaker 2: and you expect sex to remain or be the same

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Speaker 2: as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that

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Speaker 2: that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,

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Speaker 2: I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because

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Speaker 2: people aren't easily able to express what they want from

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Speaker 2: a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.

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Speaker 2: Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid

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Speaker 2: that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's

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Speaker 2: going to reject us. That most people are mute and.

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Speaker 5: They silently walk through sex because we always go back

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Speaker 5: to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It

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Speaker 5: lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that

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Speaker 5: will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,

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Speaker 5: you're never going to go back to that stage where

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Speaker 5: you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But

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Speaker 5: most of us are so attached to that phase that

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Speaker 5: we're like, well, I got to get back to that,

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Speaker 5: and I want people to know like you're not. It's

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Speaker 5: never going to be as great as it was. However,

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Speaker 5: we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting

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Speaker 5: people to think about, like what can I do if

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Speaker 5: I know I got to work on my arousal. I

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Speaker 5: got to figure out how to tell my partner that

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Speaker 5: this is what I need to be turned on. And

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Speaker 5: it might be a toy, it might be lou it

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Speaker 5: might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.

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Speaker 5: And so it just kind of like hack your own

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Speaker 5: arousal because we know sex is important.

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Speaker 2: I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they

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Speaker 2: were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,

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Speaker 2: like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I

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Speaker 2: dated for a little bit, you know, and we had

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Speaker 2: a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,

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Speaker 2: but there were times where this person would just over

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Speaker 2: and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,

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Speaker 2: And I couldn't figure out the right language of how

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Speaker 2: to address it because it was like it was just

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Speaker 2: sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.

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Speaker 2: I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a

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Speaker 2: face rape, like an attack, right and what I said

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Speaker 2: to the person was it was a him. What I

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Speaker 2: said to him was, hey, give me space to come

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Speaker 2: to you, like, let me come to you like I

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Speaker 2: want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're

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Speaker 2: kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because

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Speaker 2: I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.

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Speaker 2: I was more. I mean it went over five.

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Speaker 1: He got it, well, no.

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Speaker 2: Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't

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Speaker 2: get it long term.

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Speaker 5: This is the right, Okay, So this is like the

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Speaker 5: long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.

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Speaker 5: I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and

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Speaker 5: not in the moment because since so I don't know

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Speaker 5: about you.

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Speaker 3: I grew up with shame around sex.

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Speaker 5: I had no sex education, and I felt like if

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Speaker 5: I had to bring up sex to my partner, they

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Speaker 5: brought something to me. A lot of us at least

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Speaker 5: I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did

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Speaker 5: do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,

335
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Speaker 5: you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.

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Speaker 5: We're not used to people talking about sex and kind

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Speaker 5: of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.

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Speaker 3: We're not still got text in the bedroom.

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Speaker 2: Okay, the bedroom.

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Speaker 5: Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for

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Speaker 5: sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.

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Speaker 2: It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk

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Speaker 2: about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're

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Speaker 2: in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and

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Speaker 2: then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you

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Speaker 2: can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a

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Speaker 2: lot of issues around it and body and there are

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Speaker 2: bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.

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Speaker 5: And also since nobody is really talking about if you

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Speaker 5: think about it, we talk about it like yes, I

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Speaker 5: had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really

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Speaker 5: into like what is actually what do we actually need.

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Speaker 3: To be aroused and turned on?

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Speaker 5: Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in

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Speaker 5: and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my

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Speaker 5: work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then

359
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Speaker 5: I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused

360
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Speaker 5: and I'm not, And then I realized in this book

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Speaker 5: through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,

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Speaker 5: I need to have downtime before I even see you.

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Speaker 5: I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this

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Speaker 5: up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,

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Speaker 5: like I will not be in the move for sex

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Speaker 5: if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's

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Speaker 5: sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind

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Speaker 5: of hack my arousal if you will, so I know

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Speaker 5: that all these things need to happen, and not like

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Speaker 5: to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure

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Speaker 5: off myself that I'm always going to be.

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Speaker 2: Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,

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Speaker 2: you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.

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Speaker 2: You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I

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Speaker 2: would prefer, this is what's going to help me get

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Speaker 2: in the mood or be more attracted to you, or

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Speaker 2: be more aptive to have sex.

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Speaker 1: One of the things that happens in our bedroom is

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Speaker 1: I for a while was shamed by my husband for

382
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Speaker 1: wearing socks during sex.

383
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Speaker 2: How does that all the time with all three of

384
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Speaker 2: us actually, which is really appropriate.

385
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Speaker 1: It's true, it's true. But I just found it was

386
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Speaker 1: like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more

387
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Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have

388
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Speaker 1: to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then

389
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Speaker 1: I finally read that women actually can have a higher

390
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Speaker 1: likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're

391
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Speaker 1: not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is

392
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Speaker 1: the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.

393
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Speaker 2: I want my feet out and free because I don't

394
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Speaker 2: like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,

395
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Speaker 2: be gross, sut if I walked into the house as

396
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Speaker 2: you war. Okay, this is what.

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Speaker 5: I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that

398
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Speaker 5: it should just work for us. So I had to

399
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Speaker 5: like through this self knowledge, and I do give people

400
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Speaker 5: in smart sex the step that I give like a

401
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Speaker 5: question throople. They can say, do I know that I

402
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,439
Speaker 5: need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?

403
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Speaker 3: I need to have.

404
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,400
Speaker 5: Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch

405
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Speaker 5: or I need all of these certain things to happen

406
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Speaker 5: because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.

407
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Speaker 2: You know, and also people should be better at reading

408
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Speaker 2: the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,

409
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Speaker 2: and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,

410
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Speaker 2: is you know, like those aren't the moments to go

411
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Speaker 2: in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,

412
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Speaker 2: you have to be able to read your partner and

413
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Speaker 2: see when they're open to that and when you should

414
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Speaker 2: give them a little bit of space.

415
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Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they

416
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Speaker 5: need to taste, but also figure out when is the

417
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Speaker 5: right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I

418
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Speaker 5: know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock

419
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Speaker 5: at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm

420
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Speaker 5: doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,

421
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Speaker 5: they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,

422
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Speaker 5: that's not when I want to have sex. So then

423
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Speaker 5: I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?

424
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Speaker 5: Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want

425
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Speaker 5: to set that up. There is always in every relationship,

426
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Speaker 5: there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,

427
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Speaker 5: and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired

428
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Speaker 5: partners never come together.

429
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Speaker 2: They don't, so.

430
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Speaker 3: Then you got to like trouble shoot.

431
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Speaker 5: So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even

432
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Speaker 5: try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.

433
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Speaker 2: Again.

434
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Speaker 5: Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,

435
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Speaker 5: made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,

436
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,399
Speaker 5: but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex

437
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:47,120
Speaker 5: and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.

438
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,280
Speaker 2: People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what

439
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 2: people right?

440
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,080
Speaker 5: That's true, they could, but some po are like, I

441
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,639
Speaker 5: don't want to look at my calendar like pick up

442
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,120
Speaker 5: dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.

443
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:55,320
Speaker 3: You don't want to see that.

444
00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:59,200
Speaker 5: But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,

445
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,399
Speaker 5: I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the

446
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,679
Speaker 5: things you need to make sure that that night that

447
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,200
Speaker 5: you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,

448
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,680
Speaker 5: whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things

449
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,760
Speaker 5: you got into toys or charge so you can be

450
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,760
Speaker 5: ready and not leave it up for chance. And you

451
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,280
Speaker 5: think that this seems obviously most people are. I get

452
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:18,920
Speaker 5: hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the

453
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,400
Speaker 5: point I was like, I kind of just have people

454
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,760
Speaker 5: figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you

455
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,440
Speaker 5: want to answer every email you get.

456
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,960
Speaker 3: I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.

457
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:29,120
Speaker 5: And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this

458
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,040
Speaker 5: is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people

459
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,719
Speaker 5: go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,

460
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,359
Speaker 5: this is why I can't get a mowner. This is

461
00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:39,239
Speaker 5: why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I

462
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,199
Speaker 5: want to put the power in the people's hands if

463
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 5: they crack their own codes of sexuality.

464
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:45,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in

465
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,000
Speaker 2: a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.

466
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,639
Speaker 2: That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming

467
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,280
Speaker 2: at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,

468
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,679
Speaker 2: try and have sex with me all the time, that

469
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,880
Speaker 2: is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person

470
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,800
Speaker 2: like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,

471
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,240
Speaker 2: but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a

472
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,040
Speaker 2: lot of people feel like, well, I want it to

473
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,560
Speaker 2: be my idea. I want to go to you like

474
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,440
Speaker 2: that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look

475
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,119
Speaker 2: or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.

476
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,840
Speaker 2: It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception

477
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 2: is good, but I would like to be able to

478
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,399
Speaker 2: do more of that, especially in my next relationship.

479
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,639
Speaker 1: I want that good.

480
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,359
Speaker 5: And so see, this is so good that you know

481
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,240
Speaker 5: that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't

482
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:26,960
Speaker 5: even know that much.

483
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 3: They've never even thought about it.

484
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,000
Speaker 5: But to be able to say to your partner in

485
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,959
Speaker 5: a loving one of all these ways that people can do,

486
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,080
Speaker 5: like their tone right and like timing and the tone

487
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,280
Speaker 5: to have these conversations, but to be able to say,

488
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,000
Speaker 5: you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.

489
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,280
Speaker 5: So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,

490
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,600
Speaker 5: but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,

491
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,080
Speaker 5: that's going to be on me and I want you

492
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,640
Speaker 5: to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,

493
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 5: please don't initiate.

494
00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:51,520
Speaker 2: Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk

495
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,800
Speaker 2: about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the

496
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,720
Speaker 2: sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly

497
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,080
Speaker 2: the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you

498
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,159
Speaker 2: have about anything, the more on the same page that

499
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,520
Speaker 2: you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations

500
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,600
Speaker 2: that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,

501
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,280
Speaker 2: if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,

502
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,160
Speaker 2: you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.

503
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,600
Speaker 5: Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes

504
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,480
Speaker 5: because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is

505
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,240
Speaker 5: novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get

506
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,360
Speaker 5: over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk

507
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,920
Speaker 5: about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.

508
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 5: Those are the three things that are keeping us from

509
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 5: having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,

510
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 5: I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.

511
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,239
Speaker 5: Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're

512
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,320
Speaker 5: talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or

513
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 5: where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we

514
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,600
Speaker 5: try this position? Should we try this new toy?

515
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,600
Speaker 3: And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.

516
00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:51,959
Speaker 5: I can't believe we talked about it too much, and

517
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,440
Speaker 5: now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.

518
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, agreed.

519
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:56,399
Speaker 3: Yay.

520
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,280
Speaker 1: Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,

521
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:00,840
Speaker 1: shall we.

522
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 2: Okay, do we need to take a quick break.

523
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right

524
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:11,760
Speaker 1: back with Emily and Chelsea.

525
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:12,879
Speaker 2: And we're back.

526
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,

527
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,160
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex

528
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,400
Speaker 1: boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,

529
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,760
Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.

530
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty

531
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,240
Speaker 1: common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant

532
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,320
Speaker 1: writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've

533
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,480
Speaker 1: responded to others has made me feel like you might

534
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 1: have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,

535
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 1: not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.

536
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 1: I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.

537
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,439
Speaker 1: I got a dog, moved to a different city, and

538
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,199
Speaker 1: I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and

539
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,080
Speaker 1: passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me

540
00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 1: feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways

541
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 1: except for one. I haven't had sex or really any

542
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,960
Speaker 1: type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle

543
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,560
Speaker 1: the fear and shame that I was left with, I

544
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,600
Speaker 1: decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality

545
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,760
Speaker 1: at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,

546
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 1: my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I

547
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 1: haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.

548
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,639
Speaker 1: I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.

549
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,840
Speaker 1: I even managed to go on a few first dates

550
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: here and there, but it never went further than that.

551
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,400
Speaker 1: I want a life partner, and I want to want

552
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,880
Speaker 1: a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear

553
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,560
Speaker 1: of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.

554
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,960
Speaker 1: How do I get past this and allow myself to

555
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:46,880
Speaker 1: have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,

556
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 1: his right place? Hi?

557
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 2: How are you?

558
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,679
Speaker 6: I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.

559
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,480
Speaker 2: You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this

560
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 2: is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes

561
00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:00,479
Speaker 2: about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and

562
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 2: she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a

563
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,159
Speaker 2: perfect episode for you.

564
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 3: Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.

565
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,919
Speaker 5: So first I want to say that having herpes is

566
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 5: really common.

567
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 3: It's not a death sentence to your second.

568
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,520
Speaker 2: One in three people have herpes, by the way, just

569
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,879
Speaker 2: so you know, one in three people.

570
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't

571
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 5: talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.

572
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,360
Speaker 5: A lot of people have it and they don't even

573
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,160
Speaker 5: know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.

574
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,600
Speaker 5: But what I have found is that when you do

575
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:34,080
Speaker 5: disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that

576
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,600
Speaker 5: you told them. You let them know that you maybe

577
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,240
Speaker 5: you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what

578
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 5: kind of medication you're on right now, And really the

579
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 5: chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is

580
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 5: very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people

581
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,879
Speaker 5: are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be

582
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 5: with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,

583
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,879
Speaker 5: this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I

584
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 5: got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who

585
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:01,840
Speaker 5: prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want

586
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 5: to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody

587
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,639
Speaker 5: who also cares about her health and who knows how

588
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 5: to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised

589
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 5: how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,

590
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,200
Speaker 5: no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,

591
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,640
Speaker 5: because I hear this from many of my listeners all

592
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,040
Speaker 5: the time that once they actually were real about it

593
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 5: with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,

594
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 5: thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go

595
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 5: to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,

596
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 5: it's not what you think. So I hope you can

597
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,679
Speaker 5: find the courage to go out there and start to

598
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 5: talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common

599
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:34,919
Speaker 5: and it's going to be okay.

600
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 3: And there's so many.

601
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 5: People whose sex lives get even better because now you

602
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,159
Speaker 5: have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I

603
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,160
Speaker 5: got zero secrets. This is who I am.

604
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,159
Speaker 2: And once you tell one person, it's not going to

605
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,639
Speaker 2: be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better

606
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,639
Speaker 2: at telling people. And also something you need to understand

607
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 2: is you don't need to tell somebody that on the

608
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 2: first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are

609
00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 2: you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody

610
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,880
Speaker 2: who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,

611
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,360
Speaker 2: you haven't had sex in three years, so it would

612
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 2: be crazy for you to just start a write away.

613
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,119
Speaker 2: Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.

614
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 2: So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You

615
00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 2: can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship

616
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,159
Speaker 2: and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a

617
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,359
Speaker 2: lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.

618
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 2: They're gonna look at that and be like, before you

619
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 2: have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,

620
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:23,159
Speaker 2: you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,

621
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 2: and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and

622
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 2: it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.

623
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 2: All you have to do is be mindful of other

624
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,439
Speaker 2: people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you

625
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,439
Speaker 2: shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you

626
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,680
Speaker 2: can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,

627
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 2: You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something

628
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 2: that one in three people in the world in the

629
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 2: world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,

630
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 2: you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,

631
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 2: I have it too.

632
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, So it happens a lot.

633
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,439
Speaker 2: Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I

634
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 2: really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.

635
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 2: I think reading between the lines of your letter and

636
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,400
Speaker 2: what you're saying is that it's been so long since

637
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,640
Speaker 2: you've been out there that it's harder to get back

638
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 2: in right because you don't have the kind of language

639
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,720
Speaker 2: or experience other than the bunch of dates that you

640
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 2: went on, which I also think is a really good

641
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,560
Speaker 2: thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,

642
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,280
Speaker 2: because you know, it takes a pressure off when you

643
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 2: when you when you have a lot of experience with it,

644
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,480
Speaker 2: you don't have to look at every date as like,

645
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 2: oh my god, is this going to be the one.

646
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,919
Speaker 2: It's more of like, oh, let me see if I

647
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 2: even like this person.

648
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: The more sex you have, the more sex you want

649
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,359
Speaker 1: to have and I think that goes for solo play

650
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy

651
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind

652
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,160
Speaker 1: of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try

653
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 1: that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual

654
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 1: and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to

655
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 1: have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the

656
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:56,679
Speaker 1: pump for yourself with that and getting back into like

657
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: some solo play before you try to entering out in

658
00:27:59,320 --> 00:27:59,720
Speaker 1: the world.

659
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,639
Speaker 5: So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So

660
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 5: we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's

661
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,200
Speaker 5: the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like

662
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 5: oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save

663
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,200
Speaker 5: myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready

664
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,080
Speaker 5: to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing

665
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 5: we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,

666
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,280
Speaker 5: like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,

667
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,439
Speaker 5: love and yourself is going to have a way that

668
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,679
Speaker 5: you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and

669
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 5: then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to

670
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 5: be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.

671
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 6: Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I

672
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 6: think that kind of was what I was thinking with

673
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,560
Speaker 6: going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed

674
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 6: is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of

675
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 6: fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell

676
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 6: if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,

677
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 6: or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And

678
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 6: then it makes it difficult for me to make the

679
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 6: right call. Do I want to go on another date?

680
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 6: Is there anything there? And I feel like this is

681
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 6: not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way

682
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:56,200
Speaker 6: it did.

683
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental

684
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,959
Speaker 2: game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,

685
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 2: I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I

686
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,240
Speaker 2: think this is much more of a mental thing than

687
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,680
Speaker 2: anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?

688
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:08,520
Speaker 4: Not?

689
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 6: Really?

690
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 2: Like there? You should start because if you want to

691
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 2: get that sex drive going right, like the way to

692
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,400
Speaker 2: keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,

693
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:20,360
Speaker 2: but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness

694
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 2: the other day and we were all laughing at her,

695
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 2: and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent

696
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,280
Speaker 2: vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,

697
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,160
Speaker 2: she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because

698
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 2: my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas

699
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 2: you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,

700
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 2: So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,

701
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 2: like one thing leads to the other. So I think,

702
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 2: just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that

703
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 2: does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,

704
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 2: use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just

705
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 2: start doing that because then you're exuding also a more

706
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 2: sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel

707
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:01,040
Speaker 2: chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because

708
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,880
Speaker 2: right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel

709
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 2: very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to

710
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 2: wake it up right, and so that starts with you.

711
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 2: You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're

712
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 2: in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think

713
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 2: I've ever given this advice book.

714
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,080
Speaker 5: I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.

715
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 5: I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because

716
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 5: it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation

717
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 5: is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like

718
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 5: when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles

719
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:33,240
Speaker 5: or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll

720
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 5: do it now because I'm saying it, but that is

721
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:38,240
Speaker 5: literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor

722
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 5: if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're

723
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 5: like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even

724
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,360
Speaker 5: throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,

725
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 5: you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.

726
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,240
Speaker 3: That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.

727
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 5: That's the energy that's going to start to flow because

728
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 5: right now it's like dormant because of the fear of

729
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 5: trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've

730
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 5: been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,

731
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 5: but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual

732
00:30:58,200 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 5: life is ahead of you.

733
00:30:58,960 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 3: So like I'm not worried.

734
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 5: We're not like at all words, it's more like getting

735
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:05,560
Speaker 5: more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to

736
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 5: go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.

737
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,120
Speaker 5: And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,

738
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:11,560
Speaker 5: like maybe you went a lot to the gym three

739
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 5: years ago, it's been three years.

740
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:14,800
Speaker 3: You go, then you start going back.

741
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,520
Speaker 5: You go back for five minutes in time the ten

742
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 5: minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.

743
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 5: The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and

744
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 5: then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,

745
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:24,520
Speaker 5: like when you start to feel it's getting that place

746
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 5: he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,

747
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:27,920
Speaker 5: by the way, and also here's the other thing. When

748
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,800
Speaker 5: you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.

749
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 3: You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.

750
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 5: Once you know that i've herpes and so I take

751
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 5: a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna

752
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,640
Speaker 5: if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but

753
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 5: that's not the case.

754
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,000
Speaker 3: I just want you to know that any questions, you know.

755
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 5: What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,

756
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,320
Speaker 5: that's it. Do you have anything and would do you

757
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 5: have anything to tell me about your sex list, like

758
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 5: anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like

759
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 5: that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex

760
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,720
Speaker 5: that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,

761
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,280
Speaker 5: that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest

762
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,880
Speaker 5: and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about

763
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 5: my health because you're cheering it.

764
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 2: And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,

765
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 2: right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the

766
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:13,160
Speaker 2: switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for

767
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 2: you because I think you're going to have a big

768
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 2: sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are

769
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 2: going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,

770
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 2: you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the

771
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,440
Speaker 2: only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with

772
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 2: yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to

773
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 2: be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going

774
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 2: to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,

775
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 2: that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I

776
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 2: take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.

777
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 2: I control you. And that's why I have such good

778
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 2: experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I

779
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 2: don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over

780
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,360
Speaker 2: my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.

781
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 2: That does not define you. That's one little blip and

782
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,719
Speaker 2: it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?

783
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 6: Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself

784
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 6: get in my head and like kind of internalize It's

785
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,280
Speaker 6: it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you

786
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 6: see it all the time on the internet, and I

787
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 6: think I have let it get in my head. And

788
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,440
Speaker 6: one thing I guess I go back and forth on

789
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 6: is I want to wait until I feel like I'm

790
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 6: ready to like disclose and like kind of just give

791
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 6: myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,

792
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 6: like what if they react and they're like, well, that's

793
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 6: so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates

794
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,680
Speaker 6: with you, and what is that mine to worry about?

795
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 5: Even?

796
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:30,520
Speaker 2: No, no, but who care?

797
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 3: Like yeah, who cares?

798
00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 2: So then that's not the right person. It's like you're

799
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 2: worrying about things that may or may not even happen.

800
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 2: You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your

801
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 2: own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,

802
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 2: and by that it's like sharing the information with a

803
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:50,160
Speaker 2: person whom you're going to be romantic with in a

804
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:52,640
Speaker 2: long term way. Even you know, like if you're having

805
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 2: a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some

806
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 2: people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection

807
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 2: and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good

808
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,080
Speaker 2: to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail

809
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 2: for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.

810
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 2: Not so so stop it.

811
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 5: I feel like you just let her out too. I

812
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 5: feel like we just gave you the I feel like

813
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:13,200
Speaker 5: this is the first day of the rest of your

814
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,000
Speaker 5: sex life right now.

815
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:14,719
Speaker 6: I hope it is.

816
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 3: I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and

817
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 3: report tonight.

818
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:23,320
Speaker 1: Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.

819
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 2: So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but

820
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:29,320
Speaker 2: we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,

821
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,080
Speaker 2: but we want you to also get out there start

822
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:36,359
Speaker 2: experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new

823
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,280
Speaker 2: sexual person that you're about to become.

824
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,920
Speaker 6: Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful

825
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 6: to hear people talking about it.

826
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,120
Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you

827
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 2: have cancer.

828
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 3: You don't like totally exactly.

829
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 2: You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.

830
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:52,720
Speaker 6: Okay.

831
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,239
Speaker 5: And these people, can I say, with the people who

832
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 5: show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,

833
00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 5: I can't believe you told me it not your person,

834
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 5: like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.

835
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.

836
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,359
Speaker 1: Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.

837
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,600
Speaker 2: Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update

838
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:10,239
Speaker 2: in a few months.

839
00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:11,680
Speaker 6: Okay, we'll do take care.

840
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 2: Okay, takes care.

841
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:14,400
Speaker 4: Well.

842
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:19,399
Speaker 1: Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I

843
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: am a forty year old woman and I've only been

844
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:23,960
Speaker 1: single for a year and a half of my entire

845
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,319
Speaker 1: adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.

846
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:31,319
Speaker 1: Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from

847
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,400
Speaker 1: my husband and father of my two year old that

848
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 1: he identified as a woman and had been cheating on

849
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,319
Speaker 1: me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed

850
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,640
Speaker 1: a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful

851
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 1: man who I consider the love of my life. Life

852
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the

853
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 1: initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I

854
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,320
Speaker 1: know that I need to enjoy this time being single,

855
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 1: truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,

856
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:01,400
Speaker 1: but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of

857
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 1: my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer

858
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a

859
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment

860
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,239
Speaker 1: from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.

861
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 1: Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think

862
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 1: outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?

863
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.

864
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:25,319
Speaker 2: Hi, how are you?

865
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:26,399
Speaker 3: I'm good?

866
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 2: How are you? This is Emily our sex work for

867
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:33,279
Speaker 2: the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds

868
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 2: like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?

869
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:37,200
Speaker 2: Pretty much? None?

870
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:41,080
Speaker 3: Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.

871
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 4: Holy I just want to be excited about it, except

872
00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:45,920
Speaker 4: that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.

873
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,080
Speaker 2: That's not fun.

874
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,839
Speaker 1: Okay, So I do want to you know, I think

875
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,839
Speaker 1: it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need

876
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:57,440
Speaker 1: to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,

877
00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 1: I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that

878
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,640
Speaker 1: I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who

879
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:07,480
Speaker 1: went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,

880
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 1: which is sort of this idea that like, unless you

881
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:12,880
Speaker 1: have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel

882
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 1: connect with them, you just like don't really have a

883
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do

884
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,480
Speaker 1: you want to say a little more about that.

885
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual

886
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,640
Speaker 5: sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual

887
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 5: connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,

888
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:29,279
Speaker 5: no one's expecting you need to go out there and

889
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:30,800
Speaker 5: be able to bang somebody.

890
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:31,400
Speaker 2: Does it?

891
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:32,360
Speaker 3: Get the sex over with?

892
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,400
Speaker 5: Like it's okay to say I know about myself that

893
00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 5: I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and

894
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,960
Speaker 5: safety with somebody. So I think we could still you

895
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:43,319
Speaker 5: could still find that, But it sounds to me like

896
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,280
Speaker 5: some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past

897
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 5: tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so

898
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,840
Speaker 5: you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate

899
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 5: because there's no one out there, or I have this

900
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 5: need that can't be met, and I think that you'll

901
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:01,200
Speaker 5: be surprised to find that you can. I know, you

902
00:38:01,239 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 5: can go out there and find new ways to meet

903
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,080
Speaker 5: people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or

904
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 5: drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're

905
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 5: meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection

906
00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:14,280
Speaker 5: to this person. It's okay to take a few dates

907
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,400
Speaker 5: and just see, and then it starts to be it's

908
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 5: okay to say that you need to know somebody before

909
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 5: you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to

910
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,239
Speaker 5: have casual sex. And that's because in case of what

911
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,280
Speaker 5: you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge

912
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 5: knowing that you need that connection.

913
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 2: I do, and I.

914
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,480
Speaker 4: Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then

915
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,880
Speaker 4: immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience

916
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 4: in the past, as it starts with a connection and

917
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 4: sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.

918
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,880
Speaker 5: You could lead with that too, You could let people

919
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,840
Speaker 5: what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.

920
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,399
Speaker 5: If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let

921
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,719
Speaker 5: people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,

922
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 5: what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you

923
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,440
Speaker 5: can even say. You usually get into all the drama

924
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:57,560
Speaker 5: like oh this guy was so right now where I'm

925
00:38:57,600 --> 00:38:59,880
Speaker 5: at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and

926
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 5: have a connection and have something that's a little bit

927
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,040
Speaker 5: more casual. But I mean this is I have two

928
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,960
Speaker 5: nights a week to see you. I have one night

929
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,640
Speaker 5: a week. I would like it to be like this,

930
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,440
Speaker 5: I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,

931
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:15,000
Speaker 5: just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,

932
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 5: well that's either what I am looking for or not

933
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,560
Speaker 5: looking for. I think it's okay to be to be

934
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 5: clear that you're going to be surprised how many people

935
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,480
Speaker 5: you find that are on board with you. And I'm

936
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:24,960
Speaker 5: not even saying the first date you got to say

937
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 5: all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,

938
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:33,120
Speaker 5: it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.

939
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,239
Speaker 5: In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and

940
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 5: I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,

941
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,879
Speaker 5: I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's

942
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,839
Speaker 5: just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.

943
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 5: Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you

944
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 5: feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you

945
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:49,680
Speaker 5: know what what makes you feel connected is that I

946
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,399
Speaker 5: text them every day, is that I see them four

947
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,400
Speaker 5: days a week. So you could decide that you're going

948
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,200
Speaker 5: to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see

949
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,760
Speaker 5: them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,

950
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 5: but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you

951
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 5: don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,

952
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 5: and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,

953
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,840
Speaker 5: and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in

954
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 5: you know what I mean, set yourself up for success

955
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 5: this week because you know what you don't want it

956
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:14,200
Speaker 5: to look like.

957
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:17,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.

958
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 4: I've During the year and a half that I was

959
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:23,680
Speaker 4: quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,

960
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:25,880
Speaker 4: go on dates and maybe have sex with one or

961
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:29,359
Speaker 4: two people. I would go to sex parties. I had

962
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:32,319
Speaker 4: a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a

963
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:36,800
Speaker 4: lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there

964
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,040
Speaker 4: mentally or emotionally.

965
00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:40,879
Speaker 2: And is it going to be a problem for you

966
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 2: to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six

967
00:40:43,719 --> 00:40:46,719
Speaker 2: months off of having sex with another person. What does

968
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 2: that mean to you if when you hear that.

969
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 1: That doesn't freak me out.

970
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:54,319
Speaker 4: I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and

971
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,000
Speaker 4: enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.

972
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,160
Speaker 4: I want to and hang out with friends without that

973
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:02,880
Speaker 4: even being an issue, without even putting myself out there

974
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 4: to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little

975
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 4: bit of sadness of that part of my life that

976
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 4: I'm going to miss.

977
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 2: Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.

978
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,759
Speaker 2: You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,

979
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:18,960
Speaker 2: Like that's not hard to find. But I also just

980
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:20,799
Speaker 2: from listening to you, the fact that you've been in

981
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 2: relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is

982
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:28,279
Speaker 2: a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do

983
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,959
Speaker 2: all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going

984
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,960
Speaker 2: to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,

985
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 2: especially with your history and especially with you know, being

986
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:40,560
Speaker 2: out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard

987
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,000
Speaker 2: to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted

988
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 2: to again and wanting to have sex. But I would

989
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,760
Speaker 2: even more focus just on this time investing in yourself

990
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 2: and taking this kind of window that you have and

991
00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:53,759
Speaker 2: being like, I'm going to do all the shit I

992
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 2: want to do right now while I don't have to

993
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 2: be tethered to somebody else who may or may not

994
00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,520
Speaker 2: want to join me doing these things, or prevent me

995
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 2: from doing the things because we have to do his things,

996
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 2: or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think

997
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:08,000
Speaker 2: it's very important for all women to spend a significant

998
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:11,120
Speaker 2: amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you

999
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,399
Speaker 2: are and to be able to ask for the things

1000
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 2: that you want and to understand what you do want.

1001
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 2: You know what I mean, Because you might spend six

1002
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:22,759
Speaker 2: months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I

1003
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,200
Speaker 2: want this. I want to be alone for another year

1004
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 2: before I get into anything serious, or I may not

1005
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:30,960
Speaker 2: want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion

1006
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,480
Speaker 2: you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white

1007
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 2: like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for

1008
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 2: growth for you, and you should just look at it

1009
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:43,440
Speaker 2: like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,

1010
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 2: it's not like that. Look at all the things that

1011
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,719
Speaker 2: you're gaining by being alone and being able to go

1012
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:50,840
Speaker 2: to the museums, by being able to go to movies

1013
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 2: by yourself or plays or with friends and not have

1014
00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:57,319
Speaker 2: that kind of coupledom attached to it all.

1015
00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,879
Speaker 5: Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.

1016
00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:01,920
Speaker 5: So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was

1017
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,920
Speaker 5: not healthy in the past and all that taking six

1018
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,960
Speaker 5: months and saying I'm going to do I did this

1019
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 5: when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It

1020
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 5: was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not

1021
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:14,320
Speaker 5: doing it for six months, and it was so freeing

1022
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:15,760
Speaker 5: to be like I don't.

1023
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:16,520
Speaker 3: Have to think about it.

1024
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 2: I can do me.

1025
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,080
Speaker 5: I can figure out who I am without a man

1026
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:20,640
Speaker 5: in my life, because I kept going from one to

1027
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:22,839
Speaker 5: the next and I really just wanted to figure out.

1028
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:24,799
Speaker 5: And it was such a wonderful time to get to

1029
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,399
Speaker 5: know who I am without a guy. I can go

1030
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 5: to the opper where I can go see friends, I

1031
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:32,000
Speaker 5: can really think about it and I can reflect. It

1032
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 5: gives you this open space to say what worked in

1033
00:43:34,239 --> 00:43:36,880
Speaker 5: the past, what didn't work in the past. There so

1034
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 5: much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,

1035
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:42,240
Speaker 5: you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready

1036
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:45,040
Speaker 5: to step back into the dating world, and there's just

1037
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 5: just realize how much time you have when you're not

1038
00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 5: thinking about texting someone and am I going to have

1039
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:52,759
Speaker 5: sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in

1040
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 5: the time of relationship with yourself and.

1041
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 4: Looking forward to that.

1042
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book

1043
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,479
Speaker 1: to you about when it does come to solo sex

1044
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:06,439
Speaker 1: or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what

1045
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:09,799
Speaker 1: you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that

1046
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:13,160
Speaker 1: maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally

1047
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,840
Speaker 1: work on, or is having a thriving sex life that

1048
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 1: like doesn't involve another partner for a while.

1049
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:19,960
Speaker 3: Exactly.

1050
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 5: Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made

1051
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:26,399
Speaker 5: was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't

1052
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 5: think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I

1053
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:30,880
Speaker 5: didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.

1054
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:31,680
Speaker 3: I didn't even know.

1055
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 5: And I was like, I'm going to take time and

1056
00:44:33,239 --> 00:44:36,360
Speaker 5: figure out my own owner's manual because I used to

1057
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:37,719
Speaker 5: leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he

1058
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,520
Speaker 5: must be able to figure it out, and like they

1059
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:41,399
Speaker 5: don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one

1060
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 5: really knows, so I might as well take the time.

1061
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,399
Speaker 5: I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking

1062
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 5: about researching it, and then I was realized. When I

1063
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:52,040
Speaker 5: was with a partner, not only was I more embodied

1064
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,799
Speaker 5: and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,

1065
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,160
Speaker 5: uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,

1066
00:44:57,239 --> 00:44:59,280
Speaker 5: like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.

1067
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 5: That's what's going to w Like. I was able to

1068
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:03,719
Speaker 5: be my own best advocate, and I want that for

1069
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:05,880
Speaker 5: you too. Most of us don't take time for that

1070
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:10,719
Speaker 5: at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,

1071
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:14,240
Speaker 5: masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.

1072
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:18,040
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,

1073
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 2: and then go to a museum and see how you

1074
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:20,360
Speaker 2: like that.

1075
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:25,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.

1076
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:30,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to

1077
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:34,920
Speaker 2: help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.

1078
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:38,920
Speaker 1: Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.

1079
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:40,239
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1080
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:42,919
Speaker 1: I thought that was a really important call, just because

1081
00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:44,600
Speaker 1: I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my

1082
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:46,560
Speaker 1: sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,

1083
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:47,480
Speaker 1: and I don't think that's true.

1084
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 2: But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just

1085
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 2: stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.

1086
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 1: It's not.

1087
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 2: It's like, just because you break up and you don't

1088
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 2: have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a

1089
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,959
Speaker 2: boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work

1090
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:05,719
Speaker 2: like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,

1091
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:09,080
Speaker 2: embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality

1092
00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:11,319
Speaker 2: for however long, because it could be a month and

1093
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:12,960
Speaker 2: she could fall in love with another guy and then

1094
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 2: she only had that month to herself, and that's a

1095
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:18,239
Speaker 2: bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.

1096
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 3: Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.

1097
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:22,600
Speaker 1: If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and

1098
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:25,600
Speaker 1: we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,

1099
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:35,200
Speaker 1: and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.

1100
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,239
Speaker 1: Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and

1101
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 1: have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past

1102
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,200
Speaker 1: three and a half years. We both have been previously

1103
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 1: married and have kids. I've learned over the past two

1104
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:50,120
Speaker 1: years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.

1105
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,400
Speaker 1: Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was

1106
00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:55,560
Speaker 1: turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,

1107
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She

1108
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,399
Speaker 1: also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed

1109
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:03,640
Speaker 1: that night. He told me that he and his ex

1110
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,319
Speaker 1: wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and

1111
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 1: she told them that she's not ready for sex, but

1112
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:11,400
Speaker 1: just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,

1113
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:13,759
Speaker 1: his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were

1114
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:17,719
Speaker 1: all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue

1115
00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:19,480
Speaker 1: for the kids and they were even allowed some beer

1116
00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:21,919
Speaker 1: to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night

1117
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:24,880
Speaker 1: and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect

1118
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,919
Speaker 1: for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after

1119
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:29,640
Speaker 1: I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for

1120
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,959
Speaker 1: a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even

1121
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:35,839
Speaker 1: had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about

1122
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 1: his daughter and found out that she's now on the

1123
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 1: pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news

1124
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:43,360
Speaker 1: came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I

1125
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:46,120
Speaker 1: knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I

1126
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:49,520
Speaker 1: can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to

1127
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:51,840
Speaker 1: my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his

1128
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:54,840
Speaker 1: daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud

1129
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:57,120
Speaker 1: that she's having sex at such a young age, but

1130
00:47:57,239 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 1: believes that she's very mature and it was bound to

1131
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,520
Speaker 1: happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love

1132
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:05,720
Speaker 1: and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.

1133
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:08,799
Speaker 1: I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him

1134
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: as a father and a parent. With a twelve year

1135
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:13,759
Speaker 1: old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still

1136
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:16,600
Speaker 1: many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,

1137
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:19,040
Speaker 1: So why do I care so much? What do you

1138
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:20,359
Speaker 1: think I should do? Beth?

1139
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:24,800
Speaker 2: Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.

1140
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,439
Speaker 2: You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are

1141
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:33,920
Speaker 2: very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you

1142
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:37,240
Speaker 2: know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser

1143
00:48:37,239 --> 00:48:39,879
Speaker 2: with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They

1144
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 2: the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,

1145
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 2: they have a lot less fucked up children because they're

1146
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:48,080
Speaker 2: not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,

1147
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 2: or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen

1148
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:52,520
Speaker 2: is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I

1149
00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 2: was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,

1150
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:58,200
Speaker 2: I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a

1151
00:48:58,239 --> 00:49:01,359
Speaker 2: little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's

1152
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:05,359
Speaker 2: not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna

1153
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:07,560
Speaker 2: have children with him. Did she says she wants children

1154
00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:07,919
Speaker 2: with him.

1155
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:10,920
Speaker 1: No, but she has kids of her own as well.

1156
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 1: I just think they're not under the same roof.

1157
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:16,279
Speaker 2: Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let

1158
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:19,840
Speaker 2: him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just

1159
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:23,879
Speaker 2: too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's

1160
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:27,440
Speaker 2: really not your issue to ever even give your opinions

1161
00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:28,560
Speaker 2: on unless you're asked.

1162
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.

1163
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:31,680
Speaker 1: You know.

1164
00:49:32,880 --> 00:49:35,280
Speaker 2: By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.

1165
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 5: We are so messed up because what happens in BA

1166
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:39,280
Speaker 5: exactly what happens in America.

1167
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 2: We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So

1168
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 2: remember that Joernals don't do that.

1169
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 5: No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have

1170
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:49,480
Speaker 5: the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They

1171
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,240
Speaker 5: start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially

1172
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 5: the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're

1173
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:56,800
Speaker 5: not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.

1174
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 5: They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They

1175
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:01,680
Speaker 5: don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's

1176
00:50:01,680 --> 00:50:04,719
Speaker 5: your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk

1177
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:07,759
Speaker 5: about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy

1178
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 5: it's like this where his kids grew up is they

1179
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:14,279
Speaker 5: have sex education where they do talk about STIs and

1180
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:17,120
Speaker 5: getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,

1181
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 5: here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how

1182
00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:22,799
Speaker 5: you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive

1183
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:25,640
Speaker 5: sex education in school. And his daughter came to him

1184
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:27,439
Speaker 5: and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.

1185
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:29,080
Speaker 5: He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control

1186
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,279
Speaker 5: pill and all those things. So I understand why that's

1187
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:35,319
Speaker 5: foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids

1188
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 5: are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at

1189
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,960
Speaker 5: like eight years old on their iPad and then they're

1190
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,919
Speaker 5: just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero

1191
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:47,000
Speaker 5: for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,

1192
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 5: and then they go off and have sex and they

1193
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,759
Speaker 5: have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with

1194
00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:53,640
Speaker 5: him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna

1195
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,920
Speaker 5: have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have

1196
00:50:56,040 --> 00:50:58,280
Speaker 5: me do it to my home without alcohol and telling

1197
00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:00,719
Speaker 5: me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,

1198
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:02,000
Speaker 5: and I'll stand your own kids.

1199
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:04,360
Speaker 2: That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting

1200
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:08,120
Speaker 2: has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They

1201
00:51:08,120 --> 00:51:10,520
Speaker 2: are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy

1202
00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:14,399
Speaker 2: dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids

1203
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:15,359
Speaker 2: aren't like that, you.

1204
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:16,839
Speaker 3: Know, messed up about it.

1205
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:19,360
Speaker 2: Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on

1206
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:23,960
Speaker 2: some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?

1207
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 2: You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to

1208
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:30,440
Speaker 2: read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,

1209
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:32,000
Speaker 2: So I didn't get a chance to read it, but

1210
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:33,359
Speaker 2: I got to dive right in.

1211
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:36,520
Speaker 5: Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks

1212
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:38,799
Speaker 5: for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a

1213
00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:41,600
Speaker 5: blast and this is a good time.

1214
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:45,760
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added

1215
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:49,400
Speaker 2: more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I

1216
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:53,120
Speaker 2: added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am

1217
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 2: going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.

1218
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:01,880
Speaker 2: I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh

1219
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:04,799
Speaker 2: and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.

1220
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:07,440
Speaker 2: I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there

1221
00:52:07,480 --> 00:52:11,319
Speaker 2: November second and third. And I added a second show

1222
00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:14,120
Speaker 2: in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be

1223
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:17,320
Speaker 2: there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows

1224
00:52:17,320 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 2: in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,

1225
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:25,240
Speaker 2: d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.

1226
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:28,920
Speaker 2: And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm

1227
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:33,840
Speaker 2: coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland

1228
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 2: Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I

1229
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:39,720
Speaker 2: can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,

1230
00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:44,160
Speaker 2: Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and

1231
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:48,200
Speaker 2: I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which

1232
00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:51,040
Speaker 2: is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,

1233
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 2: August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long

1234
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:56,920
Speaker 2: Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.

1235
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1236
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:03,040
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1237
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:06,120
Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1238
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:09,799
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and

1239
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:16,560
Speaker 1: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.