WEBVTT - Maya Shankar: Does Change Make You Feel Lost Or Uncertain? (Use THIS Framework To Find Direction Again and Use Change to Upgrade Your Life!) 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.800 One of the biggest reasons why change is so scary 0:00:02.880 --> 0:00:05.320 is that it can threaten our self identity. One way 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:08.240 to have a more secure self identity is to anchor 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:12.039 yourself not simply to what you do, but to why 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:12.920 you do that thing. 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:16.120 So, first of all, i want to say, I'm really 0:00:16.160 --> 0:00:19.639 grateful to be here with my very, very dear friend, 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:24.040 doctor Maya Shanka. We've been friends for like maybe four 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:29.840 or five years now, and honestly, beyond her incredible resume, 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:35.400 incredible list of achievements, continued excellence in everything she does, 0:00:36.400 --> 0:00:40.200 she's just truly one of the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful humans. 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:42.319 And so the fact that you've all come out here 0:00:42.320 --> 0:00:45.920 tonight to support her and hopefully get her book or 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:47.680 you've already got it. How many of you have already 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:50.760 got the book? Okay, all of you who didn't put 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:53.360 your hand up, I want you to get a book 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:56.960 by the end of this. Truly, I'm just so grateful 0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:00.480 to be here. She is the kindest, most generous, sweet loving, 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:03.200 wonderful human being, and I'm so happy to be here 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:07.480 supporting you. So congratulations, mind, thank. 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:07.880 You so much. 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:12.080 Day is such an utter delight to be in conversation 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:16.240 with you about this topic, and I'm so grateful for 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:17.440 your friendship, So thank. 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:20.000 You, thank you. Well. This book that you wrote, the 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:24.080 Other Side of Change, I find it such a fascinating 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:28.600 topic and read because I feel like there's two types 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:33.680 of change. One is the change that you choose, and 0:01:33.720 --> 0:01:37.720 the other is the change that chooses you. How many 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:42.399 of you like it when you decide to change? How 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:45.720 many of you like it when change chooses you? Yeah, 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.880 exactly right. That's like the worst, It's like the worst 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:52.520 feeling ever. It's like, what, like, why did this happen 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:54.960 right now? Like I you know, it's and that's like 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:59.040 a daily occurrence for anyone on planet Earth. Why did 0:01:59.080 --> 0:01:59.480 this happen? 0:01:59.480 --> 0:01:59.640 Now? 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:02.720 Why this happened to me? What's going on? When will 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:07.160 this change? When will this get better? Talk to me 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:14.600 about how change has drastically altered your life when you 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:16.160 least expected it. 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:19.760 Yeah, I mean I should start by saying that the 0:02:19.840 --> 0:02:23.400 reason I study change is because I'm super scared of 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.680 it and I'm really bad at it and I hate 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:30.040 the unexpected changes by and large that have come my 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:34.520 way in life. I am someone who loves having a 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.680 firm grip at the steering wheel, right. I like being 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:39.680 in control. I like feeling like I'm going to dictate 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:42.520 how my life turns out. It feels very comforting to 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:45.240 believe that the world is fair and that if you 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:47.280 do good, good things will be it will happen. If 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:49.920 you aren't good, bad things will happen. It's just a nice, 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.639 clean input output model. But of course we all know 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:55.960 that that is sadly not how the universe operates, and 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.040 that fills me with a lot of discomfort, right. The 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:04.120 uncertainty that fills change. And one of my favorite research 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:07.880 studies from cognitive science shows that we are more stressed 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:10.560 when we're told we have a fifty percent chance of 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:13.160 receiving an electric shock than when we're told we have 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:17.760 a one hundred percent chance of getting that shock. Yes, 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:22.240 one hundred percent, And I feel that viscerally. I'm like, 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:25.320 bring on the shocks, just don't make me have to 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:30.079 deal with that anticipatory anxiety that makes my skin crawl. 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:33.360 I had a really formative experience with change when I 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:35.840 was a little kid. I was an aspiring concert violinist, 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:39.720 and I was studying at Juilliard at the time under 0:03:39.800 --> 0:03:42.720 it'sak Perlman who is considered, you know, one of the 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:45.960 best violinists in the world. And I really thought in 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:48.640 that moment, you know, as a teenager, Okay, I think 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:49.560 I have what it takes. 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:51.640 I think I might be able to go pro. And 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:54.640 then I had my change of plans. 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:59.960 A sudden injury that I sustained while playing the violin 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:04.440 led was a career ending injury for me, and doctors 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:07.240 just told me, I'm really sorry, but your dream is over. 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:12.440 And that was my first kind of foray with this 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:15.360 horrible change thing that I've learned to, you know, over time, 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:18.640 I've learned to have a slightly more peaceful relationship with 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:20.920 but it was pretty tough as a fifteen year old 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:23.400 to lose a thing that at that point, Jay, I 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:25.320 had been doing for almost ten years. 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:28.320 How many of you have been rejected or failed in 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:33.520 that way? Anyone? Yeah, it's the worst hearing that news, 0:04:34.160 --> 0:04:37.919 but especially because of something that you're struggling with injury wise. 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:40.279 I mean, it's not even like you didn't make it, 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.719 or you went good enough, or you went smart enough. 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:47.599 It was something totally out of your control. To some degree, 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:51.240 when things happen that are out of our control, is 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:56.120 it even possible for the human mind to be able to tolerate, 0:04:56.160 --> 0:05:00.640 accept and move through it smoothly. Like is that what impossible? 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:02.720 Is it possible? Is it made up? What's your take? 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.920 Jay, you're the monk. You need to tell us. Why 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:08.040 is he looking to me for answers. 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:12.080 I've taken off any kind I'm not monk anymore, but 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:15.520 I've taken off any sort of metaphorical ropes today to 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:19.279 be the interviewer for you. So I have no answers. 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:21.159 I'm I'm just humbly asking glad. 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.719 Yeah, that's totally teasing, But that is to say, whatever 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:27.760 piece you found equanimity, you found a change. Just assume 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:30.359 I found about you know, one fraction. One's very small 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:34.080 fraction of that. It is a very hard thing for 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:37.320 us as humans to reckon with the true limits of 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:39.839 our control. But it also makes a lot of sense 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:43.359 why our brains lead us to believe we are in control. 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.000 Because if we didn't believe that we had a lot 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:47.960 of control over our lives, you can imagine that we 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.880 might descend into nihilism. Right, We might just think, what's 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:53.520 the point of anything? Why am I trying hard? Why 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:55.240 am I doing good? In the world, none of it 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:57.839 really seems to matter because that lightning bolt can just 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:00.400 strike me from above and it was all for not right. 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:03.760 And what's really interesting about the research is that it 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:07.039 shows people who have and this is called an internal 0:06:07.080 --> 0:06:09.560 locus of control, so they really strongly feel like they're 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:13.240 dictating outcomes in their lives. They in general have higher 0:06:13.279 --> 0:06:18.479 well being, greater happiness over time. The challenge, though, is 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:22.320 that when that proverbial anvil drops from the sky, it 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:26.640 shatters the illusion and it ends up being a very 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:30.279 tumultuous time. And in my own life, what I found 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:33.400 when I lost the violin was that there was something 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:38.240 so curious about my grief, which was that I didn't 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:40.960 feel like I was just losing the instrument. I felt 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:43.279 like I was losing a part of myself. Actually, I 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:46.119 felt like I was losing all of myself. It felt 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:52.160 like Maya and the violin were inextricably attached, and in 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:56.000 taking it away from me, I no longer had as 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:59.680 much value. Right, it threatened my self worth. It's only 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:01.640 when you lose something that you realize how much it 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:03.440 meant to you in the first place. I'm sure many 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:05.240 of you can relate to this feeling, You're like, oh 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:08.120 my gosh, I didn't realize how much of my confidence 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.360 was coming from the violin, or you know, as a 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:14.520 kid who was bullied right as a little girl in 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:17.280 elementary school, I'm like, oh wow, violin was a big 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:19.320 part of my sense of social belonging. Right when I 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:22.000 was at music school, which was international. All the kids 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:23.880 accepted me. They didn't care about the color of my skin. 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:27.960 In losing it, I realized actually one of the and 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:29.480 I by the way, when I say I realized, I 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:31.440 mean this like it From my current vantage point as 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:33.880 a fifteen year old, I was just cranky, annoying to 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:35.840 my parents, like why can't I do this thing I love? 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:39.240 But in hindsight, I've now realized that one of the 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:42.040 biggest reasons why change is so scary is that it 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:47.280 can threaten our self identity. And I've learned that, and 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:49.160 I would urge all of you to engage in this 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:53.239 thought experiment. One way to have a more secure self 0:07:53.240 --> 0:07:57.760 identity is to anchor yourself not simply to what you do, 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:01.440 but to why you do that thing. So I asked myself, 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:03.760 what did I love about the violin? Well, it turns 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:06.360 out emotional connection was at the core of my love 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:09.280 of the instrument. And just because I lost the violin 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:11.760 didn't mean that I lost what led me to love 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:13.880 it in the first place. I could still find that 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.320 underlying feature in other places. I could still express that 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.560 part of myself through other channels. And it turns out 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:24.320 that subconsciously I've done that right as a podcaster hosting 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:27.080 a slight change of plans, writing the other side of change, 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:30.520 all of these pursuits have been about forging deep emotional 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:33.199 connections with people, like this is my bread and butter, 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:36.199 like I love having this conversation right, like this is 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:40.800 what makes mya tick, is deep emotional attachment to people 0:08:40.840 --> 0:08:41.720 and connection to people. 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:46.080 And so ask yourself, what is your why? Right? Maybe 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:51.400 it is service. Maybe it is caring for people. 0:08:51.640 --> 0:08:54.080 Maybe it is getting better at something and proving at 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:57.560 a craft. Maybe it is having a creative outlet like 0:08:57.600 --> 0:08:58.960 we were talking about backstage. 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:02.200 Whatever your why is, life can't take that away from you. 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:05.800 That's something that's going to be a firm anchor and 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:08.200 it can guide you towards your next steps. It can 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:11.199 be a soft landing when life makes other plans for you. 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.360 And I've just felt so much more whole in the 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:17.800 transitions and in the inflection points in my life, knowing that, like, 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:19.280 my why is still there. 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:21.640 Yeah, I love that. I was about to ask you 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.760 how to do it, but I love that because I 0:09:23.760 --> 0:09:27.480 think it's so natural for us to place our confidence 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:31.640 in who we're with, what we're doing, right, It's natural 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:36.600 to evaluate our value in the world based on. 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:38.800 I'm placing a little bit of my confidence hanging out 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:39.760 with Jay Shuddy tonight. 0:09:40.000 --> 0:09:43.080 I'm sorry. I'm just going to say sorry, keep going. 0:09:44.800 --> 0:09:47.080 But it's true, right, we base our value on all 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:50.600 of these external things exactly, and it's fine when it's 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:53.000 going good. And we were just talking about that, it's 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:56.079 fine when it's going good the moment it doesn't work out. 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:59.440 I was just speaking, I'm thinking of something You've reminded 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:01.600 me of someone. And I was speaking to a lady 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.679 who I think it was like two weeks after her 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:08.200 fortieth birthday, and so I was wished her a happy 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:11.440 belated birthday, and she was a mutual friend of another friend, 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:14.320 and she was telling me about it, and I was like, Oh, 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:16.640 tell me about your birthday, Like forty that's a big birthday, 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:20.600 Like what was the celebration, like, and she said, and 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:22.600 this is why I was reminded of it, based on 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:25.920 what mya just said, and why I think, you know, 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:27.720 her book is the book I'm going to be giving 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.200 to this lady. Straight after this conversation, she said to me, 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:37.120 she goes, Oh, my fortieth birthday was a disaster. I said, why. 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:41.480 She said, I lost my job two weeks before my 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:46.200 fortieth birthday. And I said that sounds terrible, and you know, 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:49.120 and she's and I was asking her about how she 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:51.400 lost it and whatever, and she goes, I thought I 0:10:51.440 --> 0:10:54.440 was about to be promoted, so she was, like, I 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:57.000 thought I was about to be promoted. I lost my job. 0:10:57.920 --> 0:10:59.880 I had my fortieth birthday in two weeks where I 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:03.400 was so excited to announce my promotion and invite my 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:07.200 work colleagues and talk about this incredible twenty year career 0:11:07.240 --> 0:11:10.000 that I'd had. And now I didn't have anything to 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:13.040 talk about. She goes, I didn't have anything to talk about. 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:16.160 I didn't feel like I'd achieved anything. Sure, I was 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:19.320 in a relationship and whatever, like all this stuff, but 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:22.880 like I didn't have something that made it feel like 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:24.959 my life was going in the right direction, and you're 0:11:25.000 --> 0:11:27.280 spot on. And whether we do it with our families, 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:29.760 whether we do it through our children, whether we do 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:32.760 it through our bank balance, whatever we do it through, 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:36.280 we all find it through some external validation. And what 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:39.320 you're reminding us to do is saying, pullback and focus 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:43.040 on why you love that thing? Why, though, is it 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:46.280 so hard to do that in the moment. I mean, 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:50.000 you're a cognitive scientist, so tell us what is going 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:53.000 on in the brain when change is thrown onto you 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:55.720 and you're like, but I don't like it, Maya, I 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:59.360 don't want to think about why. I just wanted that promotion. Yeah, 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:03.360 I wanted that extra money. I wanted that validation and assurance. 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:05.079 How do I do that well? 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:08.680 I actually think we're socialized to anchor our self worth 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:12.280 and our identities to the what, to the roles and 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:15.160 the labels that we carry. Think about the question we 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:17.360 ask little kids, what do you want to be when 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:18.920 you grow up? We don't ask who do you want 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:21.160 to be when you grow up? What are your passions? 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:22.079 What do you love doing? 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.880 It turns out from research, actually looking back to your 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.200 childhood is one of the easiest ways to access your 0:12:27.240 --> 0:12:29.000 why you want to find out when you were on 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:31.760 the playground, what were you gravitating towards? Were you like 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:34.120 going crazy on the monkey bars, or were you like me, 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:36.360 like listening to what everyone was saying and trying to 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:39.640 understand human psychology and social groups, and oh is this 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:41.320 person thinking this? Or is that you know that was 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:42.760 me on the player It's like, okay, of course she 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:46.280 was going to become a cognitive scientist. But that's actually 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:47.960 one of the best ways of figuring out what that 0:12:48.040 --> 0:12:52.200 core passion is. And look, our self worth is called 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:57.640 contingent self esteem. That naturally we like to easily anchor 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:01.040 to something because it almost feels uncomfortable to just anchor 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.200 it to existence, which is what all of us should 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.000 do at the end of the day. By virtue of 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:08.160 just existing, we should be worthy. But as humans, we 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:11.640 are getting signals from everywhere that we need to justify 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:16.000 our existence, we need to justify our presence. And it's 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:19.480 so interesting because I think someone reached out to me, 0:13:19.800 --> 0:13:22.360 this guy named Scott. He was a human rights lawyer, 0:13:22.760 --> 0:13:27.720 Harvard trained, Rhodes scholar, super accomplished so many accolades. To 0:13:27.800 --> 0:13:30.720 your point about getting that external validation, that was what 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:32.600 he was getting most of his life as he went 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:36.560 through his career trajectory, and then he got hit with 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:41.120 terrible long COVID, totally incapacitated, so he was suffering from 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:45.960 severe brain fog. He was unable to even read a 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:48.520 sentence of a book for the longest time. He was 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:53.240 experiencing nausea, terrible, terrible symptoms, and so bad that he 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.520 had to take permanent leave from his work as a 0:13:56.600 --> 0:14:00.320 human rights lawyer. He listened to my ted talk and 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:03.360 I had talked about this what versus why distinction, and 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:05.600 I heard from him. He couldn't type, so he sent 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:07.720 me a voice memo. I remember, and I was listening 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:11.040 to my phone. He said, I asked myself what my 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:15.360 why was, and it was advocating for underrepresented people, people 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.360 who don't have a voice. And so then I asked myself, 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.440 with my newly constrained life that I live, how can 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:25.080 I still express that why? And he realized he still 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:28.240 could by advocating for the long hauler community. 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:28.720 Wow. 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.120 And so now he devotes all of the hours of 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:36.680 his day where he feels cognitively capable to advocating for 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:41.400 various legislation, talking to drug manufacturers, giving a voice to 0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:44.920 all these humans whose lives had been upturned by long COVID, 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:47.840 who otherwise wouldn't feel represented. And I think that is 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:52.160 such a beautiful illustration of my hope with this insight. 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:54.200 Mm hmm. I love that. How many of you are 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:57.600 going to start trying that out to today, right, And 0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:58.960 we've got to give it a go. We've got to 0:14:59.000 --> 0:15:00.320 give it a go, you know. I always I feel 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:03.160 like there's so much good advice out there now, and 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.680 it's like Maya's book is packed with these incredible insights, 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:09.360 and I'm like, the biggest mistake we can make is, God, 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:11.200 that's a really cool idea, and then it just goes 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:14.080 over our head. It's like that ability to stop and 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:16.360 pause and say wow, Like Maya's just repeated this idea 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.640 like three times because of how powerful it is and 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:22.280 given us multiple examples, whether it's a real life story, 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:26.400 whether it's cognitive neuroscience, whether it's looking at it from 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:28.960 a practical point of view, and it makes sense. And 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:30.440 so I encourage each and every one of you when 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:31.800 you walk out of here, try and try and apply 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:50.480 it to a real life situation. I was also reflecting 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:52.240 that when I think about all the people I look 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:59.360 up to, Yeah, they all reacted incredibly well to bad circumstances. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:03.880 So anyone that I admire or am inspired by. And 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.520 this could be a family member, it could be a 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:09.000 public figure, it could be anyone in your life. Right, 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.240 it doesn't have to be someone well known. Anyone that 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:16.120 I look up to had something horrific happened to them 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:19.600 and they somehow turned it into the best thing that 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:22.480 ever happened to them. Yeah, And when you study people's 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:25.320 lives closely, and I'm sure people have that in their families. 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.320 I'm sure if you think about your parents and aunts 0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:30.360 and uncles, or you think about ancestors who just did 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:33.240 incredible things that we don't even know how they lived 0:16:33.280 --> 0:16:37.640 through times like that, it doesn't what's the difference between 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:40.880 someone who has something bad happened to them and transforms 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:43.600 it into a superpower, yeah, and someone who has something 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:47.440 bad happened to them and doesn't have that ability, Like, 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.240 what's the difference, Because I think we all feel both 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:52.400 of those things. I've had terrible things happened to me, 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:53.800 and there have been times where I'm like, all right, 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:56.280 time to throw in the towel. It's all over. Forget 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:59.440 about it, and then there's times when tough stuff happens 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:01.680 and I'm able to what's the difference? 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:03.720 Yeah, well, I have really good news for you, because 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:07.440 as someone who started off being very bad at responding 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:10.320 to these negative events and who I think has made 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:14.679 incredible progress, this is a malleable trait in us, and 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:18.280 I think the difference is in perspective. So I'll say 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.280 a couple things. The first is, we have this funny 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.600 little trick our brains play on us when it comes 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.520 to how we think about who will be moving forward. 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:29.080 So it's called the end of history illusion, and basically 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:32.960 what it says is, while we fully acknowledge that we've 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:35.679 changed considerably in the past. So if you were to 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:40.040 show me pictures of violinists like eight year old violinist Maya, teenager, 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:45.560 oh gosh, cringe, teenager Maya college, we have this Yeah, actually, 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:49.040 right now I thought we were friends, Jane, and then 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:50.639 you know, twenty something, I'll say, I would say, oh 0:17:50.720 --> 0:17:53.600 my gosh, I am so different from that person. Do 0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:56.560 not even show me, like, I'm going to try to 0:17:56.560 --> 0:18:00.160 create as much emotional distance as I can between you know, current. 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:01.040 And past Maya. 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.240 But then Funnily enough, if you were to ask me, well, 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:06.320 how much you plan on changing moving forward. 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:09.119 I'll be like, nope, finished product. What you see is 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:09.600 what you get. 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:10.400 This is it. 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:15.719 And researchers have said that we falsely believe that the 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:19.159 present is this watershed moment in which we become the 0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:21.399 person we will be for the rest of our lives. 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.080 And again, it is just this funny little quirk in 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:27.399 the way that our brains have evolved. And the reason 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:31.159 that this is relevant to change is that we become 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:34.800 different people on the other side of change. The titles 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:39.240 not an accident, the other side of change. When a 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:42.920 big change happens to us, it also leads to lasting 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:47.239 change within us. And these big seismic anvil falling from 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:51.800 the sky moments they accelerate those internal transformations. We come 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:55.440 out the other side with new values and new perspectives 0:18:55.440 --> 0:18:58.439 and new capabilities, new ways of seeing the world around 0:18:58.480 --> 0:19:00.919 us and ourselves or maybe our fan or maybe our 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:03.439 family history, or maybe the shame we felt about some 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:06.400 part of our childhood. Whatever it is, it is possible 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:11.560 for us to emerge a new person. And so the 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.600 difference that I've come to see even in myself is 0:19:15.040 --> 0:19:17.480 now when I'm feeling daunted at the outset of a 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:21.120 change and my old reflexes kick in and I think, oh, 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:24.600 I can't possibly handle what's up ahead. I'm not strong enough, 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:27.040 I don't have the right resources around me, I don't 0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:28.880 have the right vantage point, I don't. 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:30.159 Have the right values. Whatever it is. 0:19:30.720 --> 0:19:33.959 I now think the Maya that's actually going to have 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:37.360 to engage with every part of this process is actually 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:39.359 going to be different from the person she is today, 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:43.639 And that is so empowering. Like when you're feeling daunted 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:45.520 at the outset of change, just know, and I know 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:50.479 people in this room who have undergone incredible transformations as 0:19:50.480 --> 0:19:52.440 a result of the changes they went through, they would 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:55.760 never have been able to predict who they would have become. 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.600 And we know also from research, we are bad affective forecasters, 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.399 really bad at predicting how we will think and feel 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:06.040 about events in the future. And so that I think 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:09.360 is the sole trait that people have who are really resilient. 0:20:09.680 --> 0:20:13.200 They understand that they too are changing as a result 0:20:13.240 --> 0:20:18.000 of their circumstances, and they are introspective throughout. They think, Okay, 0:20:18.480 --> 0:20:20.600 I'm noticing this change has revealed to me that I 0:20:20.600 --> 0:20:21.960 have a certain value or belief. 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:24.400 Is this holding me back? Is it problematic? 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:27.879 Maybe this change is giving me a rare opportunity to 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:30.800 revisit that belief. I shouldn't hold it as sacred, I 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:34.840 should interrogate it. And so it's been uplifting. And I, 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:38.320 even in writing the book, saw this transformation within me 0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:41.359 as I was undergoing an unexpected change in my personal 0:20:41.400 --> 0:20:43.199 life that I write about in the final chapter. And 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:46.160 so I fully believe it now, you know, having seen 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:47.159 it happen within myself. 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:49.159 Yeah, and you were telling me that just before you 0:20:49.200 --> 0:20:51.200 walked on. And not to get into details, but you're 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:54.040 telling me that you've literally been reading your own book. 0:20:54.119 --> 0:20:57.480 Oh my gosh, during new change that's happening. 0:20:57.560 --> 0:20:59.760 While not because I'm a narcissist, but. 0:21:01.119 --> 0:21:05.720