1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of 2 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: couch Talks. My name is Kat and I'm the host 3 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 1: and catch Talks is the special bonus episode of You 4 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners you guys 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: send into me and you can send those to Catherine 6 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,960 Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So if you 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 1: have a question, send it my way. Catherine is spelled 8 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: k A t h r y N the fun way 9 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,680 Speaker 1: to spell Catherine. Also, if you have larger questions or 10 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: ideas or I guess desires for ideas for me to 11 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: cover in a regular Monday episode, you are more than 12 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: welcome to send those into UM my email as well. 13 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 1: You can also d m them to me. You can 14 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 1: d m them to cat dot de fata my page 15 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: or the podcast page You Need Therapy Podcast. You can 16 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,400 Speaker 1: also follow those pages if you feel called to do so. Also, 17 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 1: while we're chatting, before we get into um this episode, 18 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: I want to kindly remind slash Ask that you guys, 19 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 1: if you haven't yet rate the podcast, uh, it means 20 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: a lot and it's very helpful for us. And if 21 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,399 Speaker 1: you have constructive feedback, you can email that to me. 22 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: I'd rather you email that than post on the podcast page. 23 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,199 Speaker 1: Although I guess you're welcome to do whatever you please. 24 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: I would just rather get it in an email. But 25 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: if you could rate and review the podcast, and you 26 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 1: haven't yet, that would be so awesome. I would be 27 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: so grateful for you doing that. Now, each week, I 28 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 1: read one email and then I talked through my thoughts 29 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 1: and quick reminder before I get into my thoughts that 30 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: this is not therapy. This is just me giving you 31 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: some thoughts. And I happened to be a therapist. It's 32 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: not therapy and it's not a replacement. So here is 33 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 1: our email. We keep them all anonymous. So here it is. 34 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: I'm going to read it and then we'll chat. To 35 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 1: make a long story short, my boyfriend moved to my 36 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: area and started a new job, carrying his own stressors 37 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: and anxiety, and it started to take a toll. This 38 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: led to a large blowout anxiety attack for him, which 39 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: triggered my friend, who is really more of a sister 40 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: to me, to a point where it's now straining our relationship. 41 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 1: I ended up leaving and going back home for a 42 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: month out of nowhere, and I just left everyone. This 43 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: is very out of character for me and also made 44 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 1: me hurt those close to me. The time away was 45 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,679 Speaker 1: good and allowed me to process, but I regret the 46 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,280 Speaker 1: choice and still don't understand why I went in that direction. 47 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: I guess it was me allowing myself to have the day, 48 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: well month, I needed to have. While we are now 49 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,239 Speaker 1: starting to get better in both relationships, it's still a 50 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: struggle to even bring up his name to her or 51 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: her to him. It's a battle slash mix of having 52 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: your family not liking who you're with, and a point 53 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,639 Speaker 1: of can we ever get back to a place where 54 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,440 Speaker 1: we can all be together. I'm hopeful it can get 55 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 1: back semi to what it was, but I'm fully aware 56 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: it's a long shot due to the damages in the 57 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 1: past for others. I guess what I'm getting at is 58 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,680 Speaker 1: I know it's not my job or placed to fix it, 59 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 1: but I also don't know how to really go about 60 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,679 Speaker 1: Ryan to facilitate or bridge conversations in the right time 61 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 1: to help them heal. Okay, so this is a great conversation, 62 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 1: and I think that a lot of us have probably 63 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 1: had similar experiences because relationships are hard, and when someone 64 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: very close to you does not like your partner, things 65 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,360 Speaker 1: can get weird, and whether it's a friend or a 66 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: family member, whoever, it just can get really weird and tough. Now, 67 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,919 Speaker 1: I'm missing a lot of important pieces from this story, 68 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: so I can't really speak to the exact experience, but 69 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: I still think that it would be valuable to talk 70 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 1: about this generally, because, like I said, I think a 71 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: lot of us have had some kind of experience like this. 72 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 1: So what do we do when two people we love 73 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 1: and are close to don't get along, don't like each other, 74 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: have some kind of conflict. Questions that come up as 75 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about this are like, are we just take sides? 76 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 1: And if we don't take sides or we betray somebody, 77 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 1: is it our job to fix it? Is that our 78 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: job to encourage healing? Like? Where is our role? Do 79 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 1: we just sit there? Do we ignore it? Like? What 80 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: do we do? And I think most of these answers 81 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: are relative, But what I do know for certain is 82 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: that the responsibility of healing in relationships lies within the relationship. 83 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 1: So we can't make other people authentically change, which can 84 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: be a hard pill to swallow sometimes because that feels 85 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: kind of like we have no power in that instance. 86 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: We don't like we don't have the ability to force 87 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: people to authentically change. What you do have control over, though, 88 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: is how you set your own boundaries and how you 89 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 1: approach those relationships. So maybe it's hard or awkward when 90 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:30,800 Speaker 1: you bring that person up to the other person, so 91 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,320 Speaker 1: maybe you create an internal boundary for yourself not to 92 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: do that. Or maybe it's hard for you to hear 93 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: each of those people talk about the other, So maybe 94 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 1: there's a boundary of like, we don't talk about that person, 95 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: and that's hard because it feels like you have to 96 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: cut part of your life out. But also that might 97 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,360 Speaker 1: be what you need in this interim where there's conflict 98 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: in order to keep those relationships as healthy as you 99 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 1: can within each of them. Now, what we also know 100 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,599 Speaker 1: when it comes to conflict is that there are always 101 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: three versions. Right, we have person one person to and 102 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 1: then we have the truth. However, with that, each person's 103 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 1: version is their truth and their perspective, and we have 104 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: to we have to remember that I don't mean that 105 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,479 Speaker 1: in a cheesy like it's my truth, like that is 106 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,280 Speaker 1: their truth, that is what they see. And a lot 107 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 1: of times what happens when we have conflict is we 108 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,040 Speaker 1: think that to resolve it. We must get the other 109 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: person to understand our truth and agree. So understand and 110 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 1: agree rather than gain an understanding of theirs. When this happens, 111 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: instead of repair, often each person's story just starts contending 112 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,919 Speaker 1: against the other. One of the issues of trying to 113 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,200 Speaker 1: get the other person to hear you rather than you 114 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:38,000 Speaker 1: hear them is that we are bringing all our stuff 115 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 1: into the quote unquote ring. Okay, So if they are 116 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: looking through their screen and you're looking through yours, trying 117 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: to convince each other that your screen is reality, then 118 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: you will just literally be sitting there trying to do 119 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 1: this dance until someone has a meltdown or explodes or 120 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: an eruption, or you just give up. So when our 121 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: motive is to get the other person to understand us, 122 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: there's initial me versus you comes one sided, and therefore 123 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: someone has to win and someone has to lose. And 124 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 1: then what about the relationship where the most healthy experience 125 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 1: is there's person one person too, and there's relationship. We 126 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,039 Speaker 1: want the relationship to win. That's we were trying to 127 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,159 Speaker 1: get on the same team rather than playing against each other. 128 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,120 Speaker 1: The relationship is the team. So if you look at 129 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:26,280 Speaker 1: the situation, an attempt to understand the other person's experience. 130 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,559 Speaker 1: You don't have to agree with it, Okay, Understanding doesn't 131 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,600 Speaker 1: mean we agree. I can understand something that makes sense. 132 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: I don't agree with it, but it makes sense. We 133 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: can understand something without agreeing with it. So that's what 134 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: I want to encourage people to move towards in these situations, 135 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: an attempt to understand the other person rather than attempt 136 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 1: to convince the other person I'm right. It may not 137 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 1: be your experience, right, it probably won't be like when 138 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: you understand their's it may not be yours. But if 139 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: you can gain a deeper understanding of the other person's experience, 140 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: some of your pain may be alleviated just from that, 141 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,039 Speaker 1: just from being like, oh, I guess I made some 142 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: assumptions here, and they made some assumptions here. Now that 143 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 1: I know their experience, I know my assumptions might be 144 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: a little off. So that's within the conflict right now. 145 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: In this in this conversation and this email, we're kind 146 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: of talking about like what do I do if I'm 147 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: outside of it? So I've already said, well, you can't 148 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,760 Speaker 1: control it, you can't fix it, you can't do the 149 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: healing and when you're on the outside, there's also an 150 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: element of patients. You might be ready for resolve and 151 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 1: repair before the actual players in the conflict are right, 152 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: so they might need some more cooling off. You may 153 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: have done that, or maybe you didn't need any cooling off, 154 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: but they might need a little bit of space. And 155 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 1: so there's an element of patients first, and then the 156 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 1: solution to figuring out when the right time is for 157 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: you to support them right, So like when is enough patients? 158 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: When do I when do I bring this up or 159 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 1: any of that very simple, it's very simple to figure 160 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: that out. There's not one answer, but it's very simple 161 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: to help you find the answer to figure out. I 162 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: believe it's completely fair to express how the conflict affects 163 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 1: you as the third person. I think it's completely fair 164 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,280 Speaker 1: to express that and to express how you feel and 165 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 1: what may resemble like this triangle situation. It's also fair 166 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: to ask what they may need in order to eventually 167 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: repair the relationship. So this is what I'm talking about, 168 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: This is what it might look like. So you're talking 169 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: to one of these people. Hey, oftentimes it feels like 170 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of a conflict that I don't 171 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: have any control over. It's really painful and it's really 172 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,040 Speaker 1: scary to watch two very important people in my life 173 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: carry the beliefs about each other that I have heard 174 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: both of you express. Now. I know I cannot fix 175 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: or do the repairing of this relationship myself, but it 176 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: is something that I hope can happen. So when you 177 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,320 Speaker 1: are ready to work towards healing, can you please let 178 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: me know how I can support you in doing so? 179 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: So very very simple, right, So you're just saying, hey, 180 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: this is hard for me. Hey, I really want I 181 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: would really want you guys to work this out, and 182 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: I know that it's not my decision, but I do 183 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: want you to know that I hope this is something 184 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: that can happen. And then I do want you to 185 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 1: know that I'm here for you when that time is. 186 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 1: I would like to know how I can support you. 187 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: Now there's a difference between how how can I support 188 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: you and how can I fix this? What can I 189 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 1: do to fix it? Versus what can I do to 190 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: support you? Because I know I can't fix it, but 191 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: I can support you as somebody that loves you and 192 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: loves this other person. So that's what we can do, 193 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: and then that person can respond and say like, hey, 194 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: I hear you. I don't know how they're gonna respond, 195 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,400 Speaker 1: but like, I will let you know when that time 196 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: is Thank you so much, I'll let you know. You're saying, hey, 197 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: I'm here, whenever you're ready. You tell me when the 198 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: time is right. They say, hey, okay, I'll let you know. 199 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,240 Speaker 1: That's how you know, and that's how you figure out 200 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: when the best time for you to help bridge or 201 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,560 Speaker 1: facilitate some kind of conversation or healing environment. You put 202 00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: that back in their hands because we can't do that. 203 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,319 Speaker 1: We can't force it, and when we force it, it's manufactured. 204 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: Bill's resentment. Lots of stuff can happen. So tough situations, right, 205 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 1: These are tough situations, and there's not an easy way 206 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,480 Speaker 1: out of it at all. There's not an easy way 207 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: to fix it. And so in all of that, I 208 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 1: would also say, find something that helps you kind of 209 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 1: cope with a discomfort of it all. Whether that is 210 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: journaline or whether that is going to therapy, or whether 211 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 1: that is I don't know, taking a bubble bath, or 212 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: maybe you need to scream into your pillow. I think 213 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: that with all the toughness. It's okay to also need 214 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: some copy and something to help alleviate some of the 215 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: anxiety and pain and discomfort that you're feeling. So I 216 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: hope that's helpful. Again, If you guys have questions, send 217 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: them to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com 218 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: and then I will be back with you guys on 219 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 1: Monday for another full episode. In the meantime, I hope 220 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,559 Speaker 1: you guys have the day you need to have and uh, 221 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 1: I'll talk to you guys later