WEBVTT - Why change is so scary -- and how to unlock its potential | TED Talks Daily

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<v Speaker 1>Pushkin hey Slight Changers. This week, I wanted to share

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<v Speaker 1>with you an episode of Ted Talks Daily, which features

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<v Speaker 1>my Ted talk about how we can make change less

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<v Speaker 1>scary and some strategies we can use to embrace it.

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<v Speaker 1>If you want to hear more talks like this, check

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<v Speaker 1>out ted talks Daily. Each day the show brings you

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<v Speaker 1>a new idea that just might change your future, all

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<v Speaker 1>in under fifteen minutes. You can find Ted Talks Daily

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<v Speaker 1>wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, now onto my talk.

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<v Speaker 1>When I was a kid, the violin was the center

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<v Speaker 1>of my life. I'd run home from the bus stop

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<v Speaker 1>after school and practice for hours. Every Saturday, my mom

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<v Speaker 1>and I would wake up at four in the morning

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<v Speaker 1>to catch a train to New York so I could

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<v Speaker 1>study at Juilliard. When I was a teenager, my musical

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<v Speaker 1>idol Issac Pearlman, invited me to be his private student,

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<v Speaker 1>and my big dream of becoming a concert violinist.

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<v Speaker 2>Felt within reach.

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<v Speaker 1>But then one morning, when I was fifteen, I was

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<v Speaker 1>practicing this tricky technical passage. I struggled to get it right,

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<v Speaker 1>and I overextended my finger on a single note. I

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<v Speaker 1>heard a popping sound. I permanently damaged the tenons in

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<v Speaker 1>my hand, and my dream was over.

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<v Speaker 2>I share this.

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<v Speaker 1>Story because unexpected change happens to all of us, an

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<v Speaker 1>accident or an illness, a relationship that suddenly ends.

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<v Speaker 2>Today.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not a violinist, but I'm a cognitive scientist, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm interested in how we respond to exactly this kind

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<v Speaker 1>of change. I've spent the past two decades studying the

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<v Speaker 1>science of human behavior, and today I host a podcast

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<v Speaker 1>called A Slight Change of Plans Glad you guys like it,

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<v Speaker 1>where I interview people from all over the world about

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<v Speaker 1>their life altering experiences. I started this podcast because change,

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<v Speaker 1>which is scary for a lot of us, am I right?

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<v Speaker 1>For one, it is filled with uncertainty, and we hate uncertainty.

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<v Speaker 1>Research shows that we're more stressed when we're told we

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<v Speaker 1>have a fifty percent chance of getting an electric shock

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<v Speaker 1>than when we're told we have a one hundred percent chance.

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<v Speaker 1>It's wild, right, I mean, we'd rather be sure that

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<v Speaker 1>a bad thing is going to happen than to have

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<v Speaker 1>to deal with any uncertainty. Change is also scary because

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<v Speaker 1>it involves loss of some kind. By definition, we're departing

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<v Speaker 1>from an old way of being and entering a new one.

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<v Speaker 1>And when we experience a change that we wouldn't have

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<v Speaker 1>chosen for ourselves, it's easy to feel that our lives

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<v Speaker 1>are contracting that were more limited than before. But when

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<v Speaker 1>we take this perspective, we fail to account for an

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<v Speaker 1>important fact that when an unexpected change happens to us,

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<v Speaker 1>it can also inspire lasting change within us. We become

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<v Speaker 1>different people on the other side of change. What we're

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<v Speaker 1>capable of, what we value, and how we define ourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>These things can all shift. And if we can learn

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<v Speaker 1>to pay close attention to these internal shifts, we may

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<v Speaker 1>just find that, rather than limiting us, change can actually

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<v Speaker 1>expand us. All Right, today, I'm going to share with

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<v Speaker 1>you three questions you can ask yourself the next time

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<v Speaker 1>life throws you that dreaded curve wall in the moment,

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<v Speaker 1>I know, it's so easy to focus on what you've lost,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I'm really hoping that you can use these

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<v Speaker 1>questions as tools to discover all that you might gain.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, let's start with question number one. This is

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<v Speaker 1>inspired by a conversation I had on my podcast with

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<v Speaker 1>a woman named Christine ha and it's about our capabilities.

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<v Speaker 1>Christine was twenty four when a rare autoimmune disease left

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<v Speaker 1>her permanently blind. At the time, she was learning to

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<v Speaker 1>cook the Vietnamese dishes that she had loved in childhood,

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<v Speaker 1>but now cooking even simple meals was tough. She told

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<v Speaker 1>me that her frustration peeked one day when she was

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<v Speaker 1>making a peanut, butter and jelly sandwich. She struggled to

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<v Speaker 1>align the two slices of bread, and sticky jelly dripped

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<v Speaker 1>all over her hands and onto the counter. She threw

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<v Speaker 1>the sandwich into the trash, and she felt really defeated

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<v Speaker 1>by the limited future that she imagined for herself. Since

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<v Speaker 1>Christine lived alone, though she had no choice but to

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<v Speaker 1>keep at it. She remembers her delight when she's successfully

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<v Speaker 1>cut an orange for the first time, and when she scrambled.

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<v Speaker 2>An egg without burning it.

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<v Speaker 1>As she spent more hours in the kitchen, she realized

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<v Speaker 1>that cooking was far more multisensory than she had thought.

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<v Speaker 2>While she couldn't see if the.

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<v Speaker 1>Garlic had browned, she could rely on the smell and

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<v Speaker 1>the sizzling sounds in the pan. But Christine also realized

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<v Speaker 1>something something new was emerging within her. At the start

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<v Speaker 1>of her vision laws she had cooked just to get by.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, it was really just a practical thing, but

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<v Speaker 1>now she was thrilled by the challenge of it all.

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<v Speaker 1>She tackled harder and harder recipes over the years and

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<v Speaker 1>eventually became the first ever blind contestant on the TV

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<v Speaker 1>show Master Chef and guess what she won the entire

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<v Speaker 1>damn thing.

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<v Speaker 2>Christine's a rock.

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<v Speaker 1>Star, but she's an amazing person. This brings us to

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<v Speaker 1>the first question that you can ask yourself the next

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<v Speaker 1>time you face something unexpected, How might this change change

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<v Speaker 1>what you're capable of? When we predict how we'll respond

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<v Speaker 1>to any given change, we tend to imagine what our

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<v Speaker 1>present day selves will be like in that new situation.

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<v Speaker 1>Research by the psychologist Dan Gilbert show is that we

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<v Speaker 1>greatly underestimate how much will chane in the future, even

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<v Speaker 1>though we fully acknowledge if we've changed considerably in the past.

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<v Speaker 1>Our psychology continually tricks us into believing that who we

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<v Speaker 1>are right now, in this very moment is the person

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<v Speaker 1>that's here to stay. But the person meeting the challenges

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<v Speaker 1>after an unexpected change will be different. You will be

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<v Speaker 1>different today. Christine is a world renowned chef. She goes

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<v Speaker 1>by the nickname the Blind Cook, and she owns three

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<v Speaker 1>restaurants in Texas. And importantly, she's really curious about what

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<v Speaker 1>else she can achieve without vision. These days, you can

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<v Speaker 1>find her snowboarding and rock climbing on the weekends. Christine

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<v Speaker 1>shared with me something that she could never have imagined

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<v Speaker 1>thinking before all this, that if given the choice today,

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<v Speaker 1>she would choose not to have her vision restored. So

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<v Speaker 1>she did tell me she'd like it back for a moment,

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<v Speaker 1>because she really wants to know what Justin Bieaver looks like.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, let's move on to the second question. This

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<v Speaker 1>one is about our values, and it's inspired by a

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<v Speaker 1>conversation I had with a science journalist named Florence Williams

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<v Speaker 1>one evening about five years ago. Florence and her husband

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<v Speaker 1>were hosting a dinner party for their friends. As she

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<v Speaker 1>was preparing the salad, her husband handed her his phone

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<v Speaker 1>so that she could read an email from a relative,

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<v Speaker 1>but he'd mistakenly pulled.

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<v Speaker 2>Up the wrong email.

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<v Speaker 1>What Florence saw instead was a lengthy note from her

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<v Speaker 1>husband confessing his.

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<v Speaker 2>Love to another woman. I know.

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<v Speaker 1>Florence's twenty five year marriage came to an end, and

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<v Speaker 1>she told me that she was taken aback by the

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<v Speaker 1>physical and emotional intensity of her heartbreak. She said it

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<v Speaker 1>felt like she'd been plugged into a faulty electrical socket.

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<v Speaker 1>Since Florence is a problem solver by nature, she instinctively

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<v Speaker 1>saw her heartbreak as a problem to solve and develop

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<v Speaker 1>a year long, systematic plan to try and fix it.

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<v Speaker 1>Florence tried a bunch of things. She took solo trips

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<v Speaker 1>into the wilderness. She tried a range of experimental therapies.

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<v Speaker 1>She even went to the Museum of Broken Relationships, which

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<v Speaker 1>I promise is a thing.

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<v Speaker 2>You name it. She tried it.

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<v Speaker 1>But by the end of the year, none of these

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<v Speaker 1>remedies had healed her broken heart, and so Florence had

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<v Speaker 1>no choice but to entertain a new philosophy altogether. Maybe

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<v Speaker 1>a broken heart was not a problem to solve, and

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<v Speaker 1>maybe closure wasn't the answer. Research by the psychologist Dacher

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<v Speaker 1>Keltner shows that when we reduce our need for what's

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<v Speaker 1>called cognitive closure, the desire to arrive at clear and

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<v Speaker 1>definitive answers, our capacity to feel joy and beauty expands.

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<v Speaker 1>Florence told me that when she freed herself from this

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<v Speaker 1>goal oriented mindset, a mindset by the way that she

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<v Speaker 1>had valued for so much of her life up until

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<v Speaker 1>this point, she began to find unexpected delight in the unknown.

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<v Speaker 2>This leads us to the second question.

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<v Speaker 1>You can ask yourself the next time you face something unexpected,

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<v Speaker 1>how might this change change what you value? The unexpected

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<v Speaker 1>implosion of Florence's marriage has permanently shifted the way that

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<v Speaker 1>she sees her life from a puzzle in need of

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<v Speaker 1>solutions to a more serendifitous path of discovery. Now, when

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<v Speaker 1>Florence goes hiking, she's just as likely to sit still

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<v Speaker 1>feeling the breeze as she is to try and make

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<v Speaker 1>the summit. She no longer makes five year plans, and

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<v Speaker 1>she's comfortable not knowing all the answers around her heartbreak.

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<v Speaker 1>By the way, I was texting with Florence the other

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<v Speaker 1>day and she's currently in a very happy relationship. All right, now,

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<v Speaker 1>onto question number three. This one is about how we

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<v Speaker 1>define ourselves. It's about our self identities, and it comes

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<v Speaker 1>from my personal story of change with the violin. When

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<v Speaker 1>my injury took the violin away from me, I found

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<v Speaker 1>myself grieving, not just the loss of the instrument, but

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<v Speaker 1>also the loss of myself. For so long the violin

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<v Speaker 1>had defined me that without it, I wasn't sure who

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<v Speaker 1>I was or who I could be.

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<v Speaker 2>I felt stuck.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd later learn that this phenomenon is known as identity paralysis.

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<v Speaker 1>It happens to a lot of us when we face

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<v Speaker 1>the unexpected. Who we think we are and what we're

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<v Speaker 1>about is suddenly called into question. But I since realized

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<v Speaker 1>that there was something different, something more stable, that I

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<v Speaker 1>could have anchored my identity to, and this brings us

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<v Speaker 1>to that stuff and final question, how might this change

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<v Speaker 1>change how you define yourself? When I re examined my

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with the violin, I discovered that what I really

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<v Speaker 1>missed wasn't the instrument itself, but the fact that music

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<v Speaker 1>had given me a vehicle for connecting.

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<v Speaker 2>Emotionally with others.

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<v Speaker 1>I remember as a little kid playing for people and

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<v Speaker 1>feeling kind of awestruck that we might all feel something

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<v Speaker 1>new together. What this means for me today is that

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<v Speaker 1>I no longer anchor my identity to specific pursuits like

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<v Speaker 1>being a violinist, or a cognitive scientist or a podcaster. Instead,

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<v Speaker 1>I anchor my identity to what lights me up about

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<v Speaker 1>those pursuits What really energizes me and for me, it's

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<v Speaker 1>a love of human connection and understanding. I now define

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<v Speaker 1>myself not by what I do, but why I do it.

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<v Speaker 1>Look unexpected change comes for us all, whether we like

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<v Speaker 1>it or not, and when it does, it can really suck.

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<v Speaker 1>But I'm hoping that if we can stay open to

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<v Speaker 1>how we might internally change, how we might expand, it

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<v Speaker 1>can help us weather the storm. Life recently threw me

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<v Speaker 1>a new slight change of plans. I've always wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>be a mom, but becoming one has been difficult, and

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<v Speaker 1>my husband and I have had to navigate pregnancy losses

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<v Speaker 1>and other heartbreaks over the years. And now I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>sure what will happen. But I'm using these three questions

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<v Speaker 1>to help me during this tough time. I'm asking myself

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<v Speaker 1>how this unexpected challenge might change what I'm capable of,

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<v Speaker 1>what I value, and how I define myself. I'm still

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<v Speaker 1>figuring things out, but what I can tell you right

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<v Speaker 1>now is that I'm imagining a future me who is

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<v Speaker 1>expanding her definition of what it means to parent, who's

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<v Speaker 1>perhaps finding what she craved from.

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<v Speaker 2>Motherhood in other places. At a minimum.

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<v Speaker 1>This exploration has allowed me to loosen my grip on

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<v Speaker 1>the identity of mom just a bit, and I found

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<v Speaker 1>it freeing. I'm beginning to see change with more possibility,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm hoping you can too. Thank you so much