Speaker 1: Hello, Hi, how's life?
Speaker 2: It's good?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I'm so happy I got through. I
Speaker 3: wanted to talk so bad.
Speaker 1: What's your name?
Speaker 3: My name's Claire, Claire.
Speaker 1: Yes, what like the store Claire's.
Speaker 3: Yes, like the store Claire. I actually love that store
Speaker 3: growing up.
Speaker 1: What's up, Claire? How's life?
Speaker 2: How?
Speaker 1: How can I be be on the phone with you today?
Speaker 3: Well, I would love to talk about what I'm going
Speaker 3: through right now, and you are streaming and I'm currently
Speaker 3: kind of instill a whole bunch of stuff. Sorry if
Speaker 3: I'm a little bit shaky, I'm really excited to talk,
Speaker 3: but I I So, I'm on a sailing journey right now,
Speaker 3: my first sailing journey. I'm kind of I've been refitting
Speaker 3: my boat for like two and a half years, and
Speaker 3: it was finally good enough to like go in the
Speaker 3: middle of winter, like like two months ago, and so
Speaker 3: I decided to just go and do it and figure
Speaker 3: shit out as I go along. So I've been figuring
Speaker 3: shit out as I go along and teaching myself to
Speaker 3: sail and learning a whole bunch and it's actually been
Speaker 3: really nice and like beautiful, and like there's been dolphins
Speaker 3: and seashells, and it's me and my dog and I've
Speaker 3: been having a great time. But like two nights ago,
Speaker 3: I sunk. I half spunk my boat. I was I
Speaker 3: was on a sand bar and my boat was completely
Speaker 3: tilted to the side, and I woke up to like
Speaker 3: water streaming in my windows and half my boat was
Speaker 3: full of water and it was really scary and I
Speaker 3: got out of that situation and I kind of got
Speaker 3: to safety, but my boat literally like it was fucking
Speaker 3: like filled with water. It was half flooded, and and
Speaker 3: now I'm trying to figure out how to get out
Speaker 3: of this. I've been trying for two days to get
Speaker 3: my engine fixed, and I've gotten it fixed a little
Speaker 3: bit and then it cuts out. And I'm currently fucking
Speaker 3: like my engine cut out at like midnight last night,
Speaker 3: and I drifted. I threw my anchor out real quick,
Speaker 3: so luckily I didn't ground again. But I'm kind of
Speaker 3: just stranded in the water trying to troubleshoot shit, and
Speaker 3: I've I've kind of got to the end of my
Speaker 3: particular knowledge on things, and I'm trying to google and
Speaker 3: get myself out of this situation. But it's crazy because
Speaker 3: it's like it's like only me who can get myself
Speaker 3: out of this situation. And it's kind of terrified because
Speaker 3: like I don't know if I could do it or not.
Speaker 3: But I'm trying.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm I'm struggling to understand a few things. Where
Speaker 1: where are physically are you? Right now?
Speaker 3: I'm in North Carolina?
Speaker 1: Okay, you're in North Carolina? And are you?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: Are you? Where are you?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 3: I was traveling on the Inner Coastal Waterway, which is
Speaker 3: kind of like it's close to the ocean, but it's
Speaker 3: like in the coast a little bit, and it goes
Speaker 3: down pretty much from Norfolk, Virginia all the way to Florida.
Speaker 3: And that's where I've just been kind of traveling down
Speaker 3: the Inner Coastal and that's where I grounded. On this
Speaker 3: particular leg that I'm own right now, there's just no
Speaker 3: anchor spots. It will be like twenty feet deep on
Speaker 3: like a channel that's carved out, but on either side
Speaker 3: of the channel is like like three four five feet,
Speaker 3: which is which is why I grounded. So right now,
Speaker 3: I drifted a little bit out of the channel and
Speaker 3: I've like anchored myself just in the middle of the water,
Speaker 3: like I can see there's land not too far from me,
Speaker 3: but I can't really get to it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you are on a boat right now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm on my boat.
Speaker 1: But you said the boat. The boat doesn't work.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my boat the engine my engine cut out and
Speaker 3: I don't My engine has been broken, and I'm not
Speaker 3: quite sure what's going on.
Speaker 5: It's kind of weird.
Speaker 3: So, yeah, I'm stranded. I've been stranded for like a
Speaker 3: couple of days. And yeah, every I don't have food.
Speaker 3: Everything's wet. All my tools are wet, my bed is wet.
Speaker 3: Everything is like molding and rusting.
Speaker 4: As we speak.
Speaker 1: Okay, so what's your name?
Speaker 3: Claire?
Speaker 1: Claire? So you are on but do you do you
Speaker 1: see any land around you?
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's land around me, there's I see houses. So
Speaker 3: in case of emergency, I could like get to land.
Speaker 3: I have a dingy, which is a small boat, but
Speaker 3: I only have paddles and there's high winds right now,
Speaker 3: and I just I can't really paddle very well, and
Speaker 3: my dingy takes on water. So if the winds died down,
Speaker 3: I could get to land and go through people's houses
Speaker 3: and try to get somewhere. But it doesn't really solve
Speaker 3: the fact that my boat is still here and still broken.
Speaker 1: Okay, but you you are not like in immediate danger
Speaker 1: right now, are you of like being like no, lot,
Speaker 1: I've been like like like drowning it in the middle
Speaker 1: of the ocean.
Speaker 3: No, I'm not taking on water and I'm not an
Speaker 3: immediate danger. I threw my anchor out, and there's land
Speaker 3: just over here. If I have to get to it,
Speaker 3: I can call somebody to pick me up. It's fifteen
Speaker 3: hundred dollars, which I don't have, so I could call people.
Speaker 3: There's also people who drive their boats cross across the
Speaker 3: inner coastal, so if I need to, I can also
Speaker 3: flag people down to get a ride into land. So
Speaker 3: I'm not in like any immediate danger. I'm just kind
Speaker 3: of trying to figure out how to get myself out
Speaker 3: of the situation. But I'm pretty stable.
Speaker 1: Okay. Uh, why don't you call somebody for help.
Speaker 3: Because I have I have a boat tow USA thing,
Speaker 3: which is like free towing, but because I grounded and
Speaker 3: took on water, they don't cover free toes anymore, and
Speaker 3: so help would be at the very minimum fifteen dollars,
Speaker 3: they told me, and it can go up as much
Speaker 3: as like ten grand, depending on what I need and
Speaker 3: where I need to get to.
Speaker 1: So so, okay, you are in a boat, how do
Speaker 1: you charge your phone? And shit?
Speaker 3: I have solar panels which charge my batteries and it
Speaker 3: charges my phone and like puts life to all my boats.
Speaker 3: So I do have I have like my phone, and
Speaker 3: I have lights, and I have batteries and stuff and
Speaker 3: they didn't get too damaged in the water.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to I'm just trying to get like a
Speaker 1: picture of your surroundings right now, Like how far away,
Speaker 1: Like could you swim to where the land is?
Speaker 5: Is it just some land?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess swim It's not super closed, but like
Speaker 3: it's there's people's backyards. Maybe I don't know how to
Speaker 3: gauge distances, but like I can see the stripes on
Speaker 3: their American flag.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm curious again how you got into this situation.
Speaker 1: How long have you been at sea for?
Speaker 3: I've been traveling down the Inner coastal for two months now,
Speaker 3: and I like, I'm not like.
Speaker 5: I'm not.
Speaker 3: Fairly proficient, not super super proficient, but I refit. I
Speaker 3: bought this sailboat like two and a half years ago
Speaker 3: and I've done a total refit. So I know, I
Speaker 3: know a singer two about a singer singer two. But yeah,
Speaker 3: I guess I got into it because I've been traveling
Speaker 3: and then I grounded, and when tide went out, that's
Speaker 3: when the water came in, and that's kind of what
Speaker 3: started this whole thing.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, Well, how has it been traveling for the past
Speaker 1: two months? Have you been, like, is it been lonely
Speaker 1: at your You're literally alone at sea. That's like the
Speaker 1: most uh isolating thing you could do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been going. I've actually I've had a really
Speaker 3: nice time. I was really scared because I bought my
Speaker 3: boat two and a half years ago, and I bought
Speaker 3: it thinking I would just go off into the grade unknown,
Speaker 3: go to the Caribbean or whatever, and I kind of
Speaker 3: accidentally have put two and a half years of my
Speaker 3: life into this thing because shit just keeps breaking and
Speaker 3: I just keep having to fix it. So I was
Speaker 3: really scared when I started this journey that I would
Speaker 3: get on the boat after spending two and a half
Speaker 3: years of my life on this and hate it. But
Speaker 3: I kind of too, It's twofold. I've been having a really,
Speaker 3: really nice time I have my dog with me, and
Speaker 3: I've just been like, I have to bring him to
Speaker 3: shore all the time, so I like I get to
Speaker 3: explore beaches, and I've been meeting lots of really nice people.
Speaker 3: I've been having a lot of really cool experiences. I
Speaker 3: will say that I was kind of hoping to meet
Speaker 3: more people my own age and like party a little
Speaker 3: bit and like have that sort of vibe. And most
Speaker 3: of the people I've been meeting have been like older
Speaker 3: or like not quite my vibe, so I haven't really
Speaker 3: found my people yet. But it's been really nice spending
Speaker 3: time with myself and being happy with myself, because like
Speaker 3: in everyday life, I really distract myself and I look
Speaker 3: at my phone all the time and I listen to
Speaker 3: podcasts and I don't give myself like a spare minute
Speaker 3: to think or be or exist. And it has unexpectedly
Speaker 3: been really nice getting to know myself and relying on
Speaker 3: myself and knowing that I'm the only person who can
Speaker 3: get myself out of a situation. I've liked that.
Speaker 1: How old are you?
Speaker 3: I'm twenty seven And when you.
Speaker 1: Say most people, well, I guess a few questions. How
Speaker 1: are you exactly meeting these people and what is it
Speaker 1: about them that makes you say that they're not your vibe.
Speaker 3: Well, it's not that they're my vibe. I've actually had,
Speaker 3: like I've had a lot of really genuine relationships with
Speaker 3: people who are kind of outside of people I would
Speaker 3: normally hang out with, because, like I mean, I would
Speaker 3: normally hang out with like just young creative people, like
Speaker 3: artsy kids and like like hippie circles and stuff is
Speaker 3: my normal friend groups. And the people I meet a
Speaker 3: lot of old dudes, which is like good and bad.
Speaker 3: Some people are really freaking creepy, especially to like a
Speaker 3: young woman doing this by herself. I've had a love
Speaker 3: like creeps, but I've also like made really genuine friendships
Speaker 3: with just people worlds away from me that I would
Speaker 3: never have the chance, Like I met, I pulled into
Speaker 3: this marina one time to like outweigh there was a
Speaker 3: storm coming, so I pulled into this marina and it
Speaker 3: was in the middle of nowhere, like I thought it
Speaker 3: was abandoned, and there just happened to be this retired
Speaker 3: New York taxi driver who had like the thickest New
Speaker 3: York accent ever, and he like just bought that Marina
Speaker 3: and recently divorced, and just he was telling these crazy
Speaker 3: stories about being a midnight taxi driver in New York,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I would have no other reason to
Speaker 3: talk to this man at the grocery store, but because
Speaker 3: I'm in need and trying to down this storm, I've
Speaker 3: met this man in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina,
Speaker 3: and it was just such a giguine interaction that I
Speaker 3: never would have had otherwise.
Speaker 1: Yet building, you know, I think that a very rich
Speaker 1: life is filled with a lot of those moments where
Speaker 1: you're in a weird situation meeting a person that you
Speaker 1: just never would have come across in your daily life.
Speaker 3: No, definitely, and this this lifestyle has been really good
Speaker 3: for that because like it's like I feel like I'm
Speaker 3: in a constant stage of like kind of vacation mode
Speaker 3: where I'm just like ready for like any like weird
Speaker 3: thing to come my way. But I'm also like in
Speaker 3: need a lot, Like I'm in need of a run
Speaker 3: to the grocery store, or I'm in need of like
Speaker 3: safety from a storm, or I'm in need of help
Speaker 3: with a repair, And that kind of motivates me to
Speaker 3: like ask around and like create these connections that I
Speaker 3: normally wouldn't have, and it's just brought like a lot
Speaker 3: of really cool things into my life that way. I'm like,
Speaker 3: I'm kind of shy normally. I guess like it's I'm talkative,
Speaker 3: but it's hard for me to like just create connections
Speaker 3: like in the wild. But I've been happy that I've
Speaker 3: been able to do that because of the circumstances. But
Speaker 3: I'm own on this boat.
Speaker 1: It's interesting, Uh what So I was wondering, how are
Speaker 1: you meeting all these people because you're on a boat?
Speaker 1: Is it like where are you normally docking this thing?
Speaker 3: There's like so the inner coastal, there's like there's kind
Speaker 3: of like hubs. It goes all the way down the coast,
Speaker 3: you know, from Virginia or maybe even before Virginia, all
Speaker 3: the way down to Florida, and there's kind of like hubs,
Speaker 3: like I think Savannah, Georgia is a hub, and like
Speaker 3: like Saint Augustine is a hub. And there's different cities
Speaker 3: along this way, and the cities are kind of built
Speaker 3: around the fact that they're owned the inner coastal. So
Speaker 3: there's tons of merry time and there's there's lots of
Speaker 3: boat people, so I've made I met these people. Whenever
Speaker 3: I anchor or like pull in, I'll pull into a
Speaker 3: free dock occasionally, or I'll anchor out and then I'll
Speaker 3: go into the city and I meet these people because
Speaker 3: both people are really friendly and usually they would have
Speaker 3: seen like either like what happened with the marina with
Speaker 3: Joe the New York bus driver, Like I was directly
Speaker 3: pulled up at his place and needed help from him,
Speaker 3: so I went and like started that conversation. But I've
Speaker 3: met people at like other places because I've like anchored
Speaker 3: and then come in and needed something, needed help, needed groceries,
Speaker 3: needed to find resources, or they've seen me pull up
Speaker 3: in my boat and they just come up to me
Speaker 3: and like start and I have a dog and stuff,
Speaker 3: and so like people will just come up to me
Speaker 3: and be like, hey, I just saw you anchor there,
Speaker 3: Like what's your deal? Like are you by yourself or
Speaker 3: what you're doing right now? So people have like people
Speaker 3: have kind of come up to me more so than not.
Speaker 1: What kind of dog do you have with you?
Speaker 3: I have a boykned spaniel. His name is du Radley.
Speaker 1: He's super cute, And how do you like, do you
Speaker 1: have money? How do you like afford food and dog
Speaker 1: stuff and all that.
Speaker 3: Well, I I left right after I got my tax return,
Speaker 3: so I got like fourteen hundred dollars that I've been
Speaker 3: living off of, and I'm almost out of money, actually,
Speaker 3: which is why I can't really call for helpering. I
Speaker 3: got like three hundred dollars left, so I've kind of
Speaker 3: been living off my tax return. But it's lasted a while.
Speaker 2: Because I have I got food.
Speaker 3: I got in food stamps before I left, so I
Speaker 3: haven't had to pay for food, and I make my
Speaker 3: own electricity, I get water for free. I'm pretty self
Speaker 3: reliant apart from a couple of beers when I come
Speaker 3: into shore and parts and stuff. So it's been all right.
Speaker 1: How long had you planned on sailing for.
Speaker 3: When I left. I've never really had much of a plan.
Speaker 3: I've just I like quit my job, and I know
Speaker 3: that I want to make it to like the Caribbean
Speaker 3: at some point, and like, honestly, like someday i'd like
Speaker 3: to go like really really far. But I knew that
Speaker 3: this is going to be like a learning experience.
Speaker 4: I knew that.
Speaker 3: I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the Caribbean,
Speaker 3: or if I would just make it a couple miles away.
Speaker 3: I wasn't really sure what would happen, so I didn't
Speaker 3: have much of a plan going into it other than
Speaker 3: just go south and see what happens. With everything that's
Speaker 3: happened now, I live in the Outer Banks and I
Speaker 3: have a lot of like, I have people that I
Speaker 3: know that I can call for help there. So I
Speaker 3: think my plan now is to try to get my
Speaker 3: boat going and then try to get back to the
Speaker 3: Outer Banks and fix a lot of stuff has been broken.
Speaker 3: I've lost all my tools and my fridge and a
Speaker 3: lot of stuff is broken right now, so I need
Speaker 3: to go fix stuff again.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: What are you going to do about this engine thing?
Speaker 3: I'm not exactly sure because I actually I just kind
Speaker 3: of got to before you called. I have been I've
Speaker 3: been working all day on it, and I just got
Speaker 3: to kind of the end of my own personal knowledge
Speaker 3: of how things work. So my next steps I'm I'm
Speaker 3: gonna go on sailing forums. There's a lot of really
Speaker 3: good information in sailing sailing forums, and I'm gonna look
Speaker 3: at my manual and I'm gonna see if there's more
Speaker 3: trouble shooting things that I could do that I haven't yet.
Speaker 3: It could be it could be like a million things
Speaker 3: going on right now with the salt water.
Speaker 1: Hmm, what's to deal with? Like your friends and family,
Speaker 1: are they like concerned about you being out at sea?
Speaker 1: Do you like? What do you what did you leave behind?
Speaker 3: I was living with my parents.
Speaker 4: I moved.
Speaker 3: I moved from Nashville, where I had a whole bunch
Speaker 3: of friends and big friend group and stuff. And I
Speaker 3: moved from Nashville.
Speaker 2: I bought this boat.
Speaker 3: Kind of I had like a little bit of like
Speaker 3: a mid twenties crisis sort of thing, or I didn't
Speaker 3: know what I was doing with my life. So I
Speaker 3: just bought this boat, and I was like, fuck it,
Speaker 3: I'll do this for a while. So I've been living
Speaker 3: with my parents while I've been refitting this boat for
Speaker 3: two years now, and they generally have a lot of anxiety.
Speaker 3: And actually I when I first, like when I first
Speaker 3: learned what sailing was, I was kind of like being
Speaker 3: like a hippie and just doing like traveling stuff. And
Speaker 3: I had ended up on boats in Florida and I
Speaker 3: was lost at sea for or kind of quote unquote
Speaker 3: lost at sea for a couple of days. My parents
Speaker 3: thought I was lost at sea, and like the coast
Speaker 3: guard was like looking for me, and it was just
Speaker 3: a really scary incident. And so my parents when I
Speaker 3: decided to do this again except by myself, they have
Speaker 3: a lot of anxiety about it, and I feel bad
Speaker 3: about that. And and my dad's grandfather was a merchant
Speaker 3: mariner and he was lost at sea when my dad
Speaker 3: was like twelve, so my dad knows what it's like
Speaker 3: to have a close family member be lost at sea.
Speaker 3: And I do feel a lot of guilt about doing
Speaker 3: that to them, But at the same time, like I
Speaker 3: want to do this because I just want to know
Speaker 3: what's out there and what this lifestyle has to offer.
Speaker 3: And I wish that they took it better, but I
Speaker 3: can't really hold myself back for that. And then my
Speaker 3: friends are pretty supportive.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's a tough thing to kind of like,
Speaker 1: especially if you're like lucky enough to have a good
Speaker 1: relationship with your parents, like kind of the line between,
Speaker 1: you know, I want to be around my folks and
Speaker 1: I don't want to worry them, but you also have
Speaker 1: to go and live your life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and yeah, and it sucks because it's like this
Speaker 3: is more so than like they're just really like sweet
Speaker 3: conservative Christians, like wholesome family, and I feel I feel bad.
Speaker 3: It's like I got tattoos and it made them like upset,
Speaker 3: but it was kind of like, fuck, it is my body.
Speaker 3: I can get tattoos, but this one does make me
Speaker 3: feel a lot of guilt because it's like it really
Speaker 3: is a life or death sort of thing. Like if
Speaker 3: the silver lining to what happened when I sank was
Speaker 3: my windows leaked, and a sailboat supposed to be a
Speaker 3: completely enclosed vessel, I should be able to go upside
Speaker 3: down underwater and be able to like right myself. And
Speaker 3: I learned when I ground it, and luckily I was
Speaker 3: on the ground, so I wasn't gonna lose my whole boat.
Speaker 3: But what I learned was that my windows leaked to
Speaker 3: the point where it filled my boat completely, and my
Speaker 3: bilge pumps, which pumped the water out of my boat,
Speaker 3: my bilge pumps would not keep up. So if this happened.
Speaker 3: Even even if this happened, like if I was in
Speaker 3: ten feet of water, I would lose my boat. If
Speaker 3: this happened in twenty feet of water. If I didn't
Speaker 3: have land access, like it could be deadly. So it's
Speaker 3: it's very real shit out here, even though I'm not
Speaker 3: in the ocean right now, it's very real shit that
Speaker 3: I'm dealing with.
Speaker 1: Are you staying safe?
Speaker 4: Yep?
Speaker 3: I mean I'm.
Speaker 2: Staying staying safe.
Speaker 3: And that's that's why I'm on the inner coastal and
Speaker 3: not like in the ocean, because I didn't know how
Speaker 3: to sail like going into this, and so the inner coastal,
Speaker 3: you're always in sight of land, like sometimes it can
Speaker 3: be farther than others, but I'm always going to be
Speaker 3: inside of land at any given moment. So this is
Speaker 3: kind of like a step towards just getting to where
Speaker 3: I'm like more comfortable. And these things do happen, unfortunately
Speaker 3: no matter how hard you try to be safe. But
Speaker 3: I have been. I have been like pretty safe throughout
Speaker 3: my journey, and I have like a garment and many
Speaker 3: reach that can like syntext even from Antarctica, and me
Speaker 3: and the dog we always have our life jackets own
Speaker 3: even if there's no wind. So I try to do
Speaker 3: my best, and I feel kind of stupid for what
Speaker 3: happened I'm trying to beat myself up too much about it,
Speaker 3: but there it was. Yeah, it I It maybe could
Speaker 3: have been prevented if I had just done a couple
Speaker 3: of things. But I'm I'm trying my best to stay
Speaker 3: safe and do it, do it the right way.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take some questions from the chat the twitch
Speaker 1: chat if you if you want to take some questions
Speaker 1: for from the twitch chat, sure.
Speaker 3: Also can I say, well, never mind, no, keep going.
Speaker 1: No, no, what were you gonna what were you gonna say?
Speaker 1: Go ahead? Go ahead.
Speaker 3: I was just gonna mention the fact that you mentioned
Speaker 3: the rattlesnake dude from earlier. I actually know him. He's
Speaker 3: like a friend of my brothers, and he helped me
Speaker 3: when I was like lost at sea. He helped find me.
Speaker 3: It was like I was I was, I was with
Speaker 3: somebody who I didn't say that I was with, which
Speaker 3: is why I was thought to be lost. But like
Speaker 3: my brother knew this guy in a completely different state
Speaker 3: who knew the guy that I was with, and like
Speaker 3: was able to find me. So I just thought it
Speaker 3: was funny that you mentioned the rattlesnake dude who got
Speaker 3: bit in the helicopter I thought it was funny that
Speaker 3: you mentioned that earlier, because that's interesting. That's my dude.
Speaker 1: Let's see here. Oh well, somebody asked, do you have
Speaker 1: any pets on the boat? She says she had a dog.
Speaker 5: I have a dog.
Speaker 3: He pees on the boat.
Speaker 1: Someone said, what is your financial plan moving forward?
Speaker 3: My financial plan if this didn't happen, I kept going south.
Speaker 3: My financial plan was to stop at port cities and
Speaker 3: see if I could get work at boat yards doing
Speaker 3: like painting and like or like fiberglass repair, or like
Speaker 3: just doing like little jobs for like a week and
Speaker 3: getting a chunk of money and then keep going with
Speaker 3: that money. But my plan now that all this stuff
Speaker 3: is broken and I definitely need to do some repairs,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go back to the outer Banks and I
Speaker 3: have a job waiting for me there that I can
Speaker 3: get again, and I'm gonna make a big chunk of change,
Speaker 3: and then I'm gonna after hurricane season in the fall,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna try to go to the Caribbean again, I think.
Speaker 3: But big chunks of change is how I plan to
Speaker 3: make my money.
Speaker 1: Let's see here, what have you been doing for food
Speaker 1: since being stranded? Like, have you're not eaten for two days.
Speaker 3: I I have a couple like snacks I have like pistachios,
Speaker 3: and like canned soup. I've eaten those a little bit,
Speaker 3: but honestly, like I haven't out of prescription, I've been
Speaker 3: eating adderall to try to solve my problems and get
Speaker 3: all this stuff done because I've been doing boat repair
Speaker 3: for two days and like, food is the least of
Speaker 3: my concerns right now.
Speaker 1: Ye yeah, yeah, no, adderall will curb your appetite for sure.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm good. Also, I picked up after I sink.
Speaker 3: The first time I went got a pack of cigarettes,
Speaker 3: which was like my first pack in a year and
Speaker 3: a half. But I've been like adderall and chainsmoking cigarettes
Speaker 3: and that has fueled me. I'm good.
Speaker 1: Let's see here. Do you ever take the dog for
Speaker 1: a walk?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Actually I was taking He wasn't peeing on the boat
Speaker 3: for like the past two months. He wasn't.
Speaker 5: Dogs are on sailboat.
Speaker 3: Dogs are supposed to pee like on the boat on
Speaker 3: the top, and bou Radley was not teeing up on
Speaker 3: top like he was supposed to, and it's been freaking
Speaker 3: me out. I usually get close enough to land that
Speaker 3: I can just take my little dinghy onto the beach
Speaker 3: and I take him for like a really long fetch
Speaker 3: walk once or twice a day, depending on.
Speaker 4: Where I'm at.
Speaker 3: So that's how he's been going. And when this first happened,
Speaker 3: I was freaking out because he was whining and having
Speaker 3: so much anxiety, and like I knew he had to
Speaker 3: go potty and I couldn't get to land, and I
Speaker 3: was freaking out. But then he went on deck and
Speaker 3: peed for the first time, and I lost my shit.
Speaker 3: I was so excited. And now he peees on deck
Speaker 3: and it's like it's it's just such a blessing through
Speaker 3: this whole thing.
Speaker 1: Someone asked if you ever gone fishing on the boat.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have a fishing line that I troll from it.
Speaker 3: I haven't. I caught something on the line a couple
Speaker 3: days ago, but I forgot to stop. I forgot to
Speaker 3: stop my motor when I was reeling it in. My
Speaker 3: dad said it was probably a trout because they're like
Speaker 3: soft mouth, but it pulled off my line. I was
Speaker 3: so pissed. But I really I haven't caught a fish yet,
Speaker 3: but I try and I really want to.
Speaker 1: So you're keeping in touch with your parents on the
Speaker 1: phone while you're doing all this ship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been calling them like constantly.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, good, good good. Let's let's see here. Well, Claire,
Speaker 1: this will certainly being a fascinating phone call. Are you
Speaker 1: gonna be okay? I feel like I'm leaving you stranded
Speaker 1: on a boat. I mean, I can't really do anything
Speaker 1: to help you. I guess con veil the boat with me.
Speaker 1: Where's the boats in North Carolina?
Speaker 3: North Carolina? I catch a fly.
Speaker 4: Where you live?
Speaker 1: Uh, I'm I'm around, I'm in, I'm in. Uh, I'm
Speaker 1: in places.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, you're You're good. I I have figured out.
Speaker 3: I have been confronted by many a proper in my
Speaker 3: past two and a half years of refitting my boat,
Speaker 3: and this one's different because I am fairly stranded and isolated.
Speaker 3: But in two and a half years, I've been the
Speaker 3: only person to solve my problems, and I have solved
Speaker 3: every problem. And I have full confidence that whatever is
Speaker 3: going on, I will solve this problem and get out
Speaker 3: of it. And if for some reason I can't, I'm
Speaker 3: gonna hail down these people. I'm on the inner coastal
Speaker 3: and there's fishing boats that go past me. So if
Speaker 3: at all, if I can't, then I'm gonna hail down
Speaker 3: a ship until they bring me to safety. So regardless
Speaker 3: of what happens, I will be safe and the dog.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you one more question? Yeah, why do
Speaker 1: you say on like that?
Speaker 3: Because my mom's from My mom's from Alabama, but like
Speaker 3: we were raised in Virginia, so I have like a
Speaker 3: I kind of have like a like Virginian or like
Speaker 3: people tell me I saw like Valley Girl or something,
Speaker 3: but I have I don't have this Southern accent, but
Speaker 3: my mom has a Southern accent, so I've picked up
Speaker 3: like suits certain words of Southern accent. But I don't
Speaker 3: say everything like that. I don't know why you like
Speaker 3: I own something.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, okay, Well stay stay safe, don't don't do
Speaker 1: any crazy stuff. Thanks for sharing your story. Is there
Speaker 1: anything else you want to say to the people of
Speaker 1: the computer before we go?
Speaker 3: Is there a way I've been documenting my like journey
Speaker 3: on like Instagram and TikTok? Can I can I share
Speaker 3: my platform?
Speaker 4: Is that? Alright?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Sure?
Speaker 4: Where?
Speaker 1: What's uh? What's up?
Speaker 3: It's okay, thank you, It's Salt Water Fairy, but it's
Speaker 3: spelled like f A E R I E, like in
Speaker 3: like a fairy tell fairy sort of way.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, salt water fay re f.
Speaker 3: A yeah, r I E. Yeah, just saltwater fairy, but
Speaker 3: like spelled a little bit different.
Speaker 1: But no, no, that's great.
Speaker 3: But I've just been like trying to document shit.
Speaker 1: No under periods or sixty nine's or x'es or anything.
Speaker 3: No, pretty straightforward.
Speaker 1: Rock and roll. Claire the saltwater Fairy. Yeah, it's me
Speaker 1: cool man. Well, thanks for calling and Sharon and good.
Speaker 1: I hope you don't die at sea.
Speaker 4: I hope so to.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for talking. This was awesome. I'm
Speaker 3: so glad I got in touch.
Speaker 1: Have a good day you too, You too, Claire. Bye, bye,
Speaker 1: okay bye. Should I be concerned? I feel like that
Speaker 1: was that was I can't tell if she's fine or
Speaker 1: if that was concerning. I mean, I guess I don't
Speaker 1: know what I can do. I can't. I'm not the
Speaker 1: guy to call. I'm not I'm one of the worst
Speaker 1: people on the planet to call. If you're in a
Speaker 1: sailboat and your engine doesn't work, I'm I'm towards the
Speaker 1: bottom of the list of calls to make in that situation.
Speaker 1: So I hope she finds someone to help to get
Speaker 1: to get the boat to work. But that was a
Speaker 1: good call. Thank you for sharing. Claire.
Speaker 4: Hi, Hello, what's up?
Speaker 1: Not a whole lot. I'm a gecko and I'm talking
Speaker 1: to people on the phone, and I saw that you
Speaker 1: wanted to talk on the phone, so I figured maybe
Speaker 1: we could talk on the phone.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Something that I was thinking about because I'm here
Speaker 2: at work is the fact that I used to have
Speaker 2: crippling agoraphobia and now I have a job and kind
Speaker 2: of have a house and I have pets and life
Speaker 2: isn't as shitty.
Speaker 1: That's great. I love stories of life not being as shitty.
Speaker 1: Those are my favorites.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So how does how does one kind of have
Speaker 1: a house? What does that look like? Well?
Speaker 2: I live in a trailer and it's my boyfriend's mom's trailer,
Speaker 2: and she lived there with a really shitty dude and
Speaker 2: then she broke up with him, and then she's like,
Speaker 2: I want to get out of here. I don't want
Speaker 2: to live in this place anymore. Give it to my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: And then a couple of years later, I met my
Speaker 2: boyfriend and I just kind of moved in one day.
Speaker 1: Okay, pretty cool. Do you do you do you pay rent?
Speaker 1: Do you and your boyfriend like, uh, kind of split it?
Speaker 1: Or is he just let you crash?
Speaker 2: So we don't pay rent, but we pay a lot rent.
Speaker 2: So like since his mom owns the house, we don't
Speaker 2: have to pay off the house. But trailer parks are
Speaker 2: a scam. So as long as you have a house
Speaker 2: in the trailer park, then you have to pay for
Speaker 2: the land it's on even if you own the house.
Speaker 2: So we pay for the renting of the land.
Speaker 1: Basically that makes sense. I will it isn't that kind
Speaker 1: of what you're always doing. I guess when you have
Speaker 1: like a house or some shit, what's a can I
Speaker 1: ask you what what's the cost for land with a trailer? Like,
Speaker 1: what's what's the payment.
Speaker 2: In Metro Detroit, Michigan. It's like seven hundred dollars a month, which, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's not terrible. It's like a unit apartment if you
Speaker 2: think about it, and it has three bedrooms and two baths,
Speaker 2: and but the thing is what sucks is is if
Speaker 2: something happens, then we kind of have to take care
Speaker 2: of it because you know, it's not like we have
Speaker 2: a landlord. So our roof was like, yeah, hold on you.
Speaker 1: Your your trailer is three bedrooms? Yeah, how big is this?
Speaker 1: It's a.
Speaker 2: It's a double wide whatever that means.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? A double?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: So there, so there are three How big are these bedrooms?
Speaker 2: Well, our bedroom is probably the size of like a
Speaker 2: small unit apartment. It's pretty big, and it has like
Speaker 2: a bathroom attached to it with like a bathtub that
Speaker 2: has jets in it in a shower, and then the
Speaker 2: other two bedrooms are just like normal size bedrooms. I
Speaker 2: can't really think of dimensions, but yeah, I mean it's
Speaker 2: not bad at all.
Speaker 1: Sounds that sounds fucking sick. I can't even I'm literally
Speaker 1: trying to like picture what this looks like. And this
Speaker 1: is something you can like like does it move, Like,
Speaker 1: can you drive it?
Speaker 2: No, it's it's called a mobile home because they put
Speaker 2: them on the back of the trailers and then take
Speaker 2: it and put it somewhere. So it's like a manufactured
Speaker 2: home that can be moved. So if we wanted to move,
Speaker 2: like if we bought a plot of land, we could
Speaker 2: pick up the house and move it there. But we
Speaker 2: can't just like drive off of the property, if that
Speaker 2: makes any sense.
Speaker 1: And what do you do with the other two bedrooms?
Speaker 2: One of them is what we call the gamer room,
Speaker 2: so we have like a projector in there that we
Speaker 2: watch movies and I'll play like Stardoo Valley on. And
Speaker 2: then the other room I keep my two pet rats
Speaker 2: in there, so they have their own bedroom.
Speaker 1: Bro, you have a room for your rats. Yes, what's
Speaker 1: the rat room look like? Do they have like rat
Speaker 1: furniture and a rat bed?
Speaker 2: No, I would love to do that, though. I did
Speaker 2: build them like a little castle out of cardboard boxes,
Speaker 2: but it doesn't look like a castle. It just kind
Speaker 2: of looks like cardboard boxes. And they have a four
Speaker 2: leveled cage in the corner the room, and I made
Speaker 2: them like a little ball pit using pom poms, and
Speaker 2: I put treats in them, and they like go on
Speaker 2: the ball pit and I look for treats. They like
Speaker 2: to shit everywhere and like crawl on the floor and
Speaker 2: then they go back in their little cage and like
Speaker 2: eat stuff.
Speaker 1: Dude, this trailer sounds sick. Do you guys have like
Speaker 1: a kitchen and living room and everything? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Kitchen yep, has a gas stove which is pretty nice
Speaker 2: in a pretty decently sized living room. There's a lot
Speaker 2: of windows, which is nice because I have a lot
Speaker 2: of plants because my job involves plants, so I'm always
Speaker 2: taking plants home so they don't die because of the windows.
Speaker 2: So that's pretty cool, dude, Hell.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what so? Okay, so you used to be a
Speaker 1: gore phoback and where where were you living before you
Speaker 1: went into this trailer.
Speaker 2: I was living with my mom and I lived there
Speaker 2: until I was twenty one. I tried to go to college,
Speaker 2: but I dropped out because I had a panic attack
Speaker 2: and I was like, I can't do this anymore, went
Speaker 2: back to my mom's house, never left my bedroom. Really,
Speaker 2: I didn't really like to interact with people or anything
Speaker 2: like that. So it wasn't until I turned twenty one
Speaker 2: that I actually got a job and was like I
Speaker 2: can do it because all of the other jobs I had,
Speaker 2: I had a panic attack and I quit suddenly. So
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, well, I'm just kind of fucked
Speaker 2: for now, but then I was unfucked.
Speaker 1: How did you become unfucked? Like, what do you think
Speaker 1: it was that got you to a place where you
Speaker 1: weren't having panic attacks? Anymore.
Speaker 2: I had a really nice therapist, God bless her soul.
Speaker 2: She was great. And then my boyfriend. I started going
Speaker 2: to his house all the time because like aguoraphobia, it's
Speaker 2: not exactly like you're afraid to leave your house for everybody.
Speaker 2: For me, it was I don't want to do anything
Speaker 2: outside of my bedroom. I don't have to because the
Speaker 2: idea of having a panic attack in public is like debilitating.
Speaker 2: But I would go to his house and he was
Speaker 2: working on a worm farm and I needed someone to help,
Speaker 2: like staple cups with mesh in them to put the
Speaker 2: worms in. And it was like every Sunday, and I
Speaker 2: was like, okay, I can do that. Can you draw
Speaker 2: me a map of what the place looks like so
Speaker 2: I know what to expect before we go in there.
Speaker 2: So he drew me a map and I was like, okay,
Speaker 2: what's everybody's name? Okay, when do you go on lunch?
Speaker 2: So like having a set plan, knowing what I was
Speaker 2: going to do, and like the predictability of it is
Speaker 2: what kind of made me realize like, oh I can
Speaker 2: do that. That's not too terrible. So I stapled cups
Speaker 2: at a worm farm.
Speaker 1: Pretty good? Pretty good? What did you What did your
Speaker 1: therapists tell you that like help you out.
Speaker 2: She's had a lot of shit, but the one that, like,
Speaker 2: the one thing that stuck with me the most is
Speaker 2: feel the fear and do it anyways, because you know,
Speaker 2: you can't really do anything in life if you're afraid
Speaker 2: to do anything in life. So if anything was like
Speaker 2: really scary, I was like, Okay, well I'm going to
Speaker 2: have to do it anyways at some point, so might
Speaker 2: as well.
Speaker 1: How old do you know?
Speaker 2: I'm twenty four?
Speaker 1: And what now that you've like conquered some fears in
Speaker 1: your life already, what what fears do you have next
Speaker 1: that you want to conquer?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 2: One that I conquered recently was the last job I had.
Speaker 2: The company got like repoded by the bank. So we
Speaker 2: were told the month in advance, which is like a
Speaker 2: good amount of time but still a month in advance,
Speaker 2: that we wouldn't have our jobs anymore. And I was like,
Speaker 2: that was the first real job that I got by myself.
Speaker 2: So I was like terrified that I wouldn't be able
Speaker 2: to find another job with people that I like and
Speaker 2: anything like that. But then I ended up finding a
Speaker 2: company in Michigan that did exactly what I used to do,
Speaker 2: which is like a really niche job, and now I'm here,
Speaker 2: and yeah, I'm just kind of taking it one thing
Speaker 2: at a time. So the idea of being here is
Speaker 2: still a little bit scary, but I'm doing it, you know,
Speaker 2: pretty good?
Speaker 1: Pretty good? And how's your relationship with your boyfriend going?
Speaker 2: Can you say that again? I'm sorry?
Speaker 1: Oh, how's your relationship with your boyfriend going?
Speaker 2: Good? We met when I was nineteen, so we've been
Speaker 2: together for five years. We've had a lot of problems
Speaker 2: in the road. He struggled with addiction and now he's
Speaker 2: working on it and our relationship couldn't be any stronger.
Speaker 2: I think he meant proposed to me this year too,
Speaker 2: which is pretty cool.
Speaker 1: Oh and his like addiction problems better, Yes, very much.
Speaker 2: So he struggled a lot with porn addiction, which is
Speaker 2: really common but not really talked about. And yeah, I
Speaker 2: don't really necessarily know like what's so different for him, honestly,
Speaker 2: but he's been doing a lot better.
Speaker 1: That's so funny because when you said addiction, I thought
Speaker 1: it was like pills or something like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's that's definitely the first thought. Yeah, it
Speaker 2: was porn, and I struggled with addiction too, but it
Speaker 2: was you know, it was like xanax and stuff. So yeah,
Speaker 2: not exactly the first thought that comes to people's mind.
Speaker 1: Porn addiction is definitely funnier than pill addiction.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Now that like I look back on it, I'm like,
Speaker 2: I definitely was like screaming and crying for nothing because
Speaker 2: I don't know, it's just like when you look back
Speaker 2: on stuff, it just doesn't hit the same as it did.
Speaker 2: But when I first found out about everything, I felt
Speaker 2: like the world was gonna end and that I was
Speaker 2: gonna die.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm curious when you I mean, I guess this
Speaker 1: is your boyfriend's stuff, so but fucking like, like, what
Speaker 1: is porn addiction? Right? Like? What how much porn until
Speaker 1: we're addicted?
Speaker 2: For him, it was okay. Well, the way I found
Speaker 2: out is one night we were laying in bed and
Speaker 2: I always show him like funny Instagram videos that I
Speaker 2: would say throughout the day, and he would show me
Speaker 2: his YouTube reel and he was showing me some of
Speaker 2: his YouTube reels and then he got a notification saying
Speaker 2: like your only Fans subscription has ended, and I was like, hey,
Speaker 2: that's not cool. We promised that we wouldn't be like
Speaker 2: paying for that kind of content and anything that we
Speaker 2: were doing, we would be open to each other about And
Speaker 2: then I started crying, and then he kind of started
Speaker 2: freaking out because I started to have a panic attack,
Speaker 2: and then he just dumped everything onto me. He said
Speaker 2: that he had been like paying for only fans and
Speaker 2: like messaging people online through Reddit and stuff like that,
Speaker 2: and then at one point I blocked all those things
Speaker 2: so he couldn't get access to them anymore, and then
Speaker 2: he found a way around it. He used his iPad
Speaker 2: to like download Tinder and Bumble, and he used those
Speaker 2: apps to talk to women and like exchange nudes. And
Speaker 2: then I found out about that because he got an
Speaker 2: email about like a dating service, and I was like, heyo,
Speaker 2: I thought we weren't going to do that. But since
Speaker 2: that second time, he's been like really transparent, Like we
Speaker 2: I came up with this thing like after if you
Speaker 2: do anything, you have seventy two hours to tell me
Speaker 2: what you did before I'm like, okay, we got to
Speaker 2: do something about this, so if anything ever did come up,
Speaker 2: he would tell me within three days. And that transparency
Speaker 2: made things a lot easier.
Speaker 1: So this wasn't this isn't just like watching porn hub
Speaker 1: for five hours a day. It was like, uh, spend
Speaker 1: a lot of money and shit and like, I mean
Speaker 1: the tender bumble thing is interesting, and then and then
Speaker 1: like how did you kind of get get past that?
Speaker 1: I guess that's a lot to get past.
Speaker 2: I definitely still struggle with the idea of everything that happened.
Speaker 2: But the way that I get through it now is
Speaker 2: I have a really awesome therapist and we did some
Speaker 2: couples therapy and stuff like that, and my therapist would
Speaker 2: invite him in on the sessions that we would have together.
Speaker 2: And I did a work book two for like people
Speaker 2: that had gone through sexual like devanc or like sexual
Speaker 2: you know, like I can't think of the word right now,
Speaker 2: but doing work books and working with my therapist has
Speaker 2: definitely helped. And this all happened, I think it's been
Speaker 2: almost two years now, so I've definitely had a lot
Speaker 2: of time to you know, sit with the feeling and
Speaker 2: kind of get used to that was like, get used
Speaker 2: to the feeling that was something that happened and it
Speaker 2: can't really be changed. And I know that he loves me,
Speaker 2: and he shows that he loves me, so I know
Speaker 2: that this is a person that I love and that
Speaker 2: they don't intentionally want to hurt me, and I think
Speaker 2: that kind of helped me get over that feeling.
Speaker 1: What was involved in these like work books, I'm very curious.
Speaker 2: So they were things like there was pages with activities
Speaker 2: that would say things like what are things that you
Speaker 2: think of when you think of porn addiction? And then
Speaker 2: you would fill it out like little bullet points and
Speaker 2: then be a little paragraph that you'd read kind of
Speaker 2: explaining the brain chemistry of porn addiction and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: And then another one is like what would you like
Speaker 2: to hear your partner say to like consolidate you. And
Speaker 2: then he had the other version of the book, which
Speaker 2: is like for the person who did had the addiction
Speaker 2: hurt the other person. So they were like the activities
Speaker 2: would kind of line up, so then we were kind
Speaker 2: of working on things at the same time. I don't
Speaker 2: know what his book entailed, because I you know, I
Speaker 2: didn't want to get in his business, but it was
Speaker 2: mostly like activities of expressing how you feel, like the
Speaker 2: typical therapy stuff.
Speaker 1: You know, interesting, do you guys still go to the
Speaker 1: couple's therapists.
Speaker 2: No, she ended up not being a very good match.
Speaker 2: And then when he decided that he didn't want to
Speaker 2: see her anymore, also because she didn't take our insurance,
Speaker 2: which is kind of fucked up. But he started doing
Speaker 2: like online group therapies. There's like a lot of online
Speaker 2: groups that you can meet with every week to do
Speaker 2: like insurance free like group meetings for I think it's
Speaker 2: like twenty dollars or something. So I had him do
Speaker 2: that every week, like as an assurance, because one of
Speaker 2: the promises I made was like, if we're gonna be together,
Speaker 2: I need you to be having some type of care
Speaker 2: so I know that you're taking care of yourself. So
Speaker 2: he's doing that for a while, and then when that
Speaker 2: became repetitive and I didn't feel like it was helping him,
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, well you need to get a therapist.
Speaker 2: And he is now gonna have a therapy appointment at
Speaker 2: the end of the month. Yeah, I forgot where I
Speaker 2: was going with that, but.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so he's in. So he's starting therapy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's gonna start one on one again with a
Speaker 2: different therapist.
Speaker 1: Cool, and are you are you still seeing the lady
Speaker 1: who was good.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm still seeing her. She's actually she owns her
Speaker 2: practice that she does, and she just hired this new
Speaker 2: dude and I was like, hey, my boyfriend needs a therapist.
Speaker 2: You have any recommendations, and she's like, well, I just
Speaker 2: interviewed this dude, and I think it would be a
Speaker 2: perfect match. So we're gonna be going through the same practice,
Speaker 2: which is nice because I trust her in her opinions.
Speaker 1: So yeah, interesting. What's your name again?
Speaker 2: My name has never been said?
Speaker 1: Oh shit, what I mean? You don't have to give
Speaker 1: me your real name. You can give me just something
Speaker 1: to call you.
Speaker 2: Crocodile.
Speaker 1: Crocodile. Oh I like that. Well, how'd you come up
Speaker 1: with crocodile?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I was looking at a sticker of
Speaker 2: a skull, and skulls made me think of crocodile's eating animals.
Speaker 1: Well, let's see here, crocodile. Thanks for sharing your story,
Speaker 1: do you? Yeah, I'm trying to think, do you? Is
Speaker 1: there any other kind of aspect of this that you like,
Speaker 1: or just about life in general that you want to
Speaker 1: get into or talk about, Not.
Speaker 2: That I can think of. I've just been having like
Speaker 2: somewhat of a tough time with accepting the mundaneness of life.
Speaker 2: So I've been listening to the podcast a lot, just
Speaker 2: trying to get other people's perspective on how they deal
Speaker 2: with the mundaneness of life. And I'm still trying to
Speaker 2: figure out what I'm doing there.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, the mundaneness of life, like your routine and
Speaker 1: how to get out.
Speaker 2: Of it, yeah, or just getting so used to routine
Speaker 2: that everything just kind of seems blair, especially with having
Speaker 2: a new job. Like I used to have three days
Speaker 2: off and now I only have two days off, so
Speaker 2: my weekends, I'm just kind of like, oh, well, tomorrow
Speaker 2: is going to be my last day off, so like
Speaker 2: what does it really matter? You know, it's very negative,
Speaker 2: yeah all around.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, dealing with the mundaneess of life. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't fucking know, man, I don't know. Man.
Speaker 1: So you said, I mean, okay, let me ask you this.
Speaker 1: You said you've been listening to the podcast to get
Speaker 1: other people's like kind of perspectives on this. Have you
Speaker 1: Is there anything you picked up where you're like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: maybe that could be something.
Speaker 2: I know this like might sound terrible, but hearing other
Speaker 2: people's situations being worse than mine kind of makes me
Speaker 2: think that like, hey, at least you have a job
Speaker 2: and you have people around you that care.
Speaker 1: You know. Yeah, no, there's nothing. There's a word for that.
Speaker 1: It's called shaden freua I think. Okay, yeah, no, that's
Speaker 1: I've actually had. You know what's funny is a lot
Speaker 1: of people tell me they're like a lot of people
Speaker 1: have told me I like listening to your podcast because
Speaker 1: it makes me feel better about my own life. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: which is kind of funny. Yeah, yeah, I used to Actually,
Speaker 1: this is kind of all right, I'm gonna say it's
Speaker 1: kind of sad, but whatever. I used to browse like
Speaker 1: r slash. I used to like go on Reddit looking
Speaker 1: at like relationship advice or like depression or whatever, like
Speaker 1: all these like subreddits, and I would try to find
Speaker 1: people whose lives are worse than mine on Reddit so
Speaker 1: I could feel better. But the worst is when you
Speaker 1: is if you ever have a time in your life
Speaker 1: where you do that and you're like, oh no, I identify
Speaker 1: with this Reddit post, you know.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you think about it, that's what like
Speaker 2: group therapy is, you have this therapy for like people
Speaker 2: that go through specific things so that you can relate
Speaker 2: with them with how terrible your situation is. You know, it's.
Speaker 1: Funny the idea of like there being like a loser
Speaker 1: of group therapy, like somebody who's bottom ranked, like they're
Speaker 1: they're just there to give their horrible, horrible experience so
Speaker 1: that everyone else in the group feels good. Atter, somebody
Speaker 1: in group therapy always has to be the one to
Speaker 1: take the take it for the team and be like
Speaker 1: here's how off. Like it becomes like a dick measuring contest,
Speaker 1: except you're trying to see whose dick is the smallest.
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, yeah, I did group therapy when I
Speaker 2: was a gooraphobic because it was a way to get
Speaker 2: out of the house and I could like talk to
Speaker 2: people about how miserable my life was. And there was
Speaker 2: one girl that every single week she just kind of
Speaker 2: be like, yeah, that like really sucks, but like this
Speaker 2: is what happened to me this week, and like had
Speaker 2: to outdo everyone on how terrible her life was, so
Speaker 2: she took on that role with a great passion. I'd say, you.
Speaker 1: Know, it's funny, Well, I guess two things. It's funny
Speaker 1: because like normally like you would think that's like insensitive,
Speaker 1: like when you share something and someone goes, oh, well,
Speaker 1: my thing is worse, but actually it's it's kind of nice,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like, oh shit, your thing actually is worse. Okay,
Speaker 1: I feel better now?
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I agree.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if it look if she if
Speaker 1: she feels pride and that I guess that that.
Speaker 2: Works more power to her, I.
Speaker 1: Guess more powered sr. But I don't know. I don't know. Man.
Speaker 2: I wonder if anybody in that group heard me talk
Speaker 2: about my stuff and thought that about me. Now that
Speaker 2: I think about it, that's.
Speaker 1: That's an interesting That is an interesting thing. Like how
Speaker 1: like in group therapy, like do you ever talk and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, people are like at least I'm not
Speaker 1: that person, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I definitely feel like there must have been one
Speaker 2: person in there that looked at me and was like, oh,
Speaker 2: she's kind of fucked up.
Speaker 1: He think he's the thing. The answer that is the
Speaker 1: answer is probably like no matter here's like, no matter
Speaker 1: who you are your life, no matter who you are,
Speaker 1: there's a there's infinite people. I mean not literally infinite,
Speaker 1: but no matter who you are, there's so many people
Speaker 1: who you could take and go, oh, my life is
Speaker 1: horrible compared to this person's life. Even if you have
Speaker 1: like an object you have like an objectively good life,
Speaker 1: and there will always be people who you can be like, oh,
Speaker 1: their life is way better than they would look at
Speaker 1: me and go like, ough, god, imagine being that. You know, Like, whoever,
Speaker 1: whoever you are, somebody, somebody can look at your life
Speaker 1: and go that looks like it would be awful to
Speaker 1: be in right.
Speaker 2: And then yeah, But.
Speaker 1: Conversely, whoever you are, there's tons of people who would
Speaker 1: look at your life and be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: could you imagine living having a three bedroom apartment and
Speaker 1: rats and a job and arms and legs and being
Speaker 1: twenty four and you know everywhere they's told me so
Speaker 1: many people, you know, So it's it I got every
Speaker 1: day is like do you want to be the person
Speaker 1: going oh I could never be that, or the and
Speaker 1: being like, oh my god, imagine being mad. That would
Speaker 1: be awesome. I think it's that I think when people
Speaker 1: say that like happiness is a choice, I know that's
Speaker 1: a controversial statement, and I'm not going to necessarily say
Speaker 1: that I agree with it, because I have complicated feelings
Speaker 1: about that idea that happiness is a choice. But I
Speaker 1: but I do. But when you think about that whole
Speaker 1: thing of you can depending on who you're comparing your
Speaker 1: life to, your life could either be sick or it
Speaker 1: could be awful. There is a bit of a choice
Speaker 1: in terms of which of those perspectives you want to
Speaker 1: take on, you know.
Speaker 2: H Yeah, I think that's what I've been thinking about
Speaker 2: a lot. Like I listened to one of the podcast
Speaker 2: episodes today about this girl named Angie, and she did
Speaker 2: she had like an ice cream truck and she's like
Speaker 2: so petty and optimistic. Yeah, And I was like, I
Speaker 2: wish I could do that, Like I could take it
Speaker 2: until I make it, but I can't right right, But
Speaker 2: I can try to be content with what I have
Speaker 2: and how I am right now, which is what I'm
Speaker 2: trying to do, which is hard, but I'm trying, you know.
Speaker 1: No, I loved that. I loved talking to that lady.
Speaker 1: For those of you who remember that lady, she drove
Speaker 1: an ice cream truck and was talking about how much
Speaker 1: she loved driving the ice cream truck. There are a lot, undeniably,
Speaker 1: there are so many people who would be like driving
Speaker 1: an ice cream truck sounds like it would suck, you know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: And then you have her who's like, oh, driving an
Speaker 1: ice cream truck is fucking sweet and awesome.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm hyped to do it every day, and
Speaker 2: I'm hyped.
Speaker 1: To do it every day. And in a way, I
Speaker 1: actually I look at her life and it's and I
Speaker 1: look less about her her external life, and more about
Speaker 1: her brain. And I'm like, Oh, even if I don't
Speaker 1: wish I had that life, I wish I had that
Speaker 1: brain because if I had that brain, I could have
Speaker 1: any life and I'd be fine because I'd have something
Speaker 1: in the wiring of my brain would be able to
Speaker 1: just enjoy whatever is going on with me. I suppose.
Speaker 2: That's definitely a deep way to think about it, because
Speaker 2: I look at myself and it's like, I dread the
Speaker 2: idea of going to bed because I know that I'm
Speaker 2: gonna have to get up and go to my nine
Speaker 2: to five. But the idea of going to bed because
Speaker 2: you're like, I can't wait to get to bed because
Speaker 2: I'm excited to deliver ice cream to small children with
Speaker 2: their sticky hands just seems like that's a good brain
Speaker 2: to have.
Speaker 1: Crocodile. Yeah, I enjoyed talking to you, Crocodile. I hope
Speaker 1: this was. Uh, this was I hope you enjoyed having
Speaker 1: this conversation.
Speaker 2: I definitely needed this. I called in before when I
Speaker 2: was unmedicated and the call lasted like five minutes. I
Speaker 2: was really upset with myself. So it's nice to have
Speaker 2: some redemption for that.
Speaker 1: Oh did we did? What? What was your previous call?
Speaker 2: My name was slug. You gave me a T shirt
Speaker 2: in Detroit?
Speaker 1: Oh I remember you? Yeah, yes, yes, I remember which
Speaker 1: Detroit show were you at.
Speaker 2: It was at the Harpo Theater. I saw some dude
Speaker 2: peeing in the street while I was waiting in line
Speaker 2: to get in. That was cool.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the Harpo Theater. That one was. That was interesting.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, did you know it? Go ahead?
Speaker 2: I was just going to say. When my boyfriend and
Speaker 2: I were leaving, we saw you like hitting your vape outside,
Speaker 2: and we mentioned that moment a lot, just because we
Speaker 2: resonated with how you looked like you were feeling. You're
Speaker 2: just kind of like standing there like today was long
Speaker 2: and I felt that very hard.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm sure I looked like like a guy with
Speaker 1: like his Mickey mouse head off smoking a cigarette in the.
Speaker 2: Exactly that's the energy we were getting, and we felt
Speaker 2: that very hard. We quote that a lot.
Speaker 1: That's very funny. Yeah, did I look? Was I alone? Yes?
Speaker 2: You were alone. You were like looking at your phone
Speaker 2: and hitting your vape just like with the door cracked open.
Speaker 2: There's like flashing lights to the side of you and
Speaker 2: you're just kind of like looking down.
Speaker 1: Interesting, what a crazy life? Yeah, well wait, it'slug. Did
Speaker 1: you like DM me or something being like my call
Speaker 1: sucked and I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: I made a post to Reddit being like I funk. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and then you ended up messaging me, which was very nice.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, I fully remember you. I fully remember you. Okay,
Speaker 1: hell yeah, yeah, hellya. Wall right. I'm glad we got
Speaker 1: to talk. I'm glad you're doing better. And is there
Speaker 1: anything else you want to say to the people of
Speaker 1: the computer before we go.
Speaker 2: If your life feels shitty and you're sad, just think
Speaker 2: about how it could be shittier, and that it's not shittier.
Speaker 1: You know what that is that remains for eternity, a
Speaker 1: full proof method. Yep, take care slot, I mean crocodile
Speaker 1: or whichever one. O.
Speaker 2: Bye, okay bye.
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but I'm I'm like, now I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about, yes, standing outside of standing outside of Harpo's
Speaker 1: Concert Hall after my Detroit show, just wearing green paint
Speaker 1: and smoking a vape and just being like, oh man,
Speaker 1: I am a gecko. There's something romantic. I'm I'm I
Speaker 1: don't remember that moment. I'm sure that happens. I'm just
Speaker 1: happened multiple times. But I'm thinking about that, and it
Speaker 1: feels actually romantic to know I got to I got
Speaker 1: to be in that at some point in my life.
Speaker 4: From Benadryl adic.
Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 5: Hi, Sorry, I was expecting to get through.
Speaker 1: Hi. What's your name?
Speaker 5: Let's call me Fern.
Speaker 1: Fern. What's up for? Have we spoken before? If I've
Speaker 1: talked to a Fern?
Speaker 4: No, we haven't.
Speaker 5: I've been trying to call in for like a couple
Speaker 5: of weeks, but I haven't gotten through until now.
Speaker 1: Fern. What's going on? How's uh? How's life?
Speaker 5: I'm doing actually super super well right now, but.
Speaker 4: I spent the past.
Speaker 5: Four years being like really deeply addicted to taking benadryl,
Speaker 5: and I have a lot of funny stories from that.
Speaker 5: Even though it was not a good time, it definitely
Speaker 5: led to some interesting experiences.
Speaker 1: Sure, is there one in particular that you want to
Speaker 1: talk about?
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, okay, So I have to preface this by
Speaker 5: saying that this all started because I was I have
Speaker 5: a personality disorder, and this was kind of my way
Speaker 5: with of like coping with everything that I was dealing with.
Speaker 5: So uh, at one point, like this was happening maybe
Speaker 5: twice a week, three times a week that I would take,
Speaker 5: like I mean enough that a drill that you probably
Speaker 5: like some people, if they weighed less than me, probably
Speaker 5: would have died. But the one time I took, like
Speaker 5: I don't I don't know how much I took, and
Speaker 5: I don't want to encourage anybody, but the week that
Speaker 5: I did this, I was playing a lot of Tears
Speaker 5: of the Kingdom, like a lot.
Speaker 4: And so then when.
Speaker 5: I like took all of this penet drill and I
Speaker 5: was like really really out of it, and the like,
Speaker 5: there's like a bunch of emergencies services that showed up
Speaker 5: at my house to help me out afterwards, because this,
Speaker 5: like I said, this related to my mental health issues,
Speaker 5: and the like fire men were like trying to get
Speaker 5: information out of me, and all I kept saying was
Speaker 5: that I needed to find the master source and I
Speaker 5: needed to like get back to work like on like
Speaker 5: the side quest that I was working on. And yeah,
Speaker 5: I don't know, I always think about that. I wonder
Speaker 5: if those like paramedics ever think about me, like really
Speaker 5: drugged up talking about the Master's sorce and like not
Speaker 5: knowing what I was talking about.
Speaker 1: So this is four years of taking.
Speaker 5: Benadru and shit, yeah it was not good. But I
Speaker 5: have to say, like I'm almost one year sober now.
Speaker 1: So I'm curious, what was it that was making you
Speaker 1: want to take so much BENDRL? Just life?
Speaker 4: Yeah, just life.
Speaker 5: I mean I have underline personality disorder, so like.
Speaker 4: A lot of that.
Speaker 5: It just kind of comes with the territory. You know,
Speaker 5: you do a lot of like stupid shit to like
Speaker 5: cope with the intensity of what you're going through. So
Speaker 5: I kind of liked that it like shut off my
Speaker 5: brain and it like made me not have to like
Speaker 5: deal with what was going on. But of course ultimately
Speaker 5: in the end it made it worse.
Speaker 1: So what was it that inspired you and helped you
Speaker 1: to get sober?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 5: I honestly straight up, I like hit rock bottom in
Speaker 5: my life. Like I was mainly overdosing on benadryl, but
Speaker 5: I was overdosing on other things, like as a form
Speaker 5: of self harming. And one time, like mid twenty twenty three,
Speaker 5: I won't go into too many details, but I was
Speaker 5: like I got very, very very sick, and I was
Speaker 5: in the ICU for a few days, and then I
Speaker 5: was in inpatient psychiatry for like two weeks after that,
Speaker 5: and that experience was like scary enough that I was like,
Speaker 5: I don't want to keep doing this, you know, it's
Speaker 5: ruining my life. And also I didn't really appreciate at
Speaker 5: the time, like how horrible it was my family too
Speaker 5: to have to deal with that. And so after going
Speaker 5: through all that and seeing the toll that it took,
Speaker 5: especially in my mom, I was like, Okay, I can't
Speaker 5: keep doing this, you know. And every month that goes
Speaker 5: by with being sober, I just see, like, you know,
Speaker 5: everything that life has to offer and how good things
Speaker 5: can be. I mean, like literally last night, I like
Speaker 5: went out and like bought like some snacks and drove
Speaker 5: out to like a trailhead and I was looking at
Speaker 5: the stars and I like almost started crying because I
Speaker 5: was just like, Wow, I'm like so grateful that I
Speaker 5: get to be alive and just experience like simple things
Speaker 5: like eating Reese's peanut buttercups in my car while listening
Speaker 5: to music and looking at the stars. You know, hmm.
Speaker 1: Tell me more about like the things that you've You've
Speaker 1: come to realize that life has to offer that make
Speaker 1: you not want to uh not want to overdose on benadryl.
Speaker 2: Bless you.
Speaker 5: I mean like literally literally everything, Like you know, I
Speaker 5: I went through like years and years and years of
Speaker 5: therapy to get to get to this point too. And
Speaker 5: I think that another big realization was that, like you know,
Speaker 5: like suffering in life is a choice. Pain is inevitable,
Speaker 5: but you only suffer if you don't like choose to
Speaker 5: accept the fact that you will feel pain. And so
Speaker 5: just accepting that even, like you know, like accepting the
Speaker 5: fact that I'm grateful that I get to feel anxious
Speaker 5: because you know, I almost because I almost died. Now
Speaker 5: now I just appreciate everything, Like I'm grateful that I'm
Speaker 5: able to have like shitty tinder dates, you know, I'm
Speaker 5: grateful that I'm able to have like a mid sandwich
Speaker 5: from Tim Horton's you know all these like small things,
Speaker 5: you know, just I'm just I'm just grateful to exist.
Speaker 5: You know, existing is pretty great. Mm.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've I've I've had those feelings before where you know,
Speaker 1: when I'm in, when I'm in like the throes of uh,
Speaker 1: like true gratefulness. I feel everything you've beat you almost
Speaker 1: you start to become like grateful for your pain too,
Speaker 1: in a weird way. You go like, oh, I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for everything, including like the gruesome stuff and the
Speaker 1: bad shit, and you loop it in and you're almost like,
Speaker 1: uh like like when I I was wright, I wrote, uh,
Speaker 1: I was on my notes app, and I was like
Speaker 1: writing my life resume down of all the things that
Speaker 1: has you know, this is my entire fucking life, like
Speaker 1: everything to be grateful for. And in it, I wrote,
Speaker 1: I wrote all the I wrote a bunch of horrible
Speaker 1: stuff too. I wrote, like, you know, bad things that
Speaker 1: have happened to me in bad feelings and like you know,
Speaker 1: ways in which I've felt, you know, suffering. And it
Speaker 1: was like oh this and that, you you know, like
Speaker 1: looking at it and then looking at all the good
Speaker 1: stuff too. It felt very beautiful to have it all
Speaker 1: laid out, and I was almost weirdly like, when I'm
Speaker 1: in the middle of the suffering, I'm like, this is
Speaker 1: fucking awful and I like this and I want to die,
Speaker 1: and it's like, but when you're in the grateful mood
Speaker 1: and like your past, everything's kind of like, you know,
Speaker 1: nothing's ever truly in the rear view mirror, it's something.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: Pain is kind of as you're saying, like it's part
Speaker 1: of life. But when you get into your right kind
Speaker 1: of headspace, you're like grateful for you're the sum total
Speaker 1: of all your life's experiences, you know, because they're yours,
Speaker 1: you know, and you don't, Yeah, you're not sitting here like, oh,
Speaker 1: it'd be great to be Pete Davidson, so I could
Speaker 1: have sex with Kim Kardashian and have you know, eighty
Speaker 1: billion dollars. You're like, no, I want to be me,
Speaker 1: even if I even I want to be me in
Speaker 1: this chair right now talking to you with all the
Speaker 1: fucking bad brain stuff, because it's mine. You know, it's
Speaker 1: my duty to exist in my own life, even if
Speaker 1: even if like there's pain involved.
Speaker 5: Absolutely I totally agree. I mean, like just you know,
Speaker 5: being able to appreciate the breadth of human experience that
Speaker 5: is available to you, even if it's painful and it's
Speaker 5: not fun at times, like you know, because you know,
Speaker 5: if we were happy all the time, you know, you
Speaker 5: wouldn't you wouldn't appreciate the happiness that you have. Having
Speaker 5: that balance in your life is really what I think
Speaker 5: makes life valuable. And so I'm I'm grateful to be
Speaker 5: able to experience those moments of difficulty because it makes
Speaker 5: the the high point so much sweeter and it makes me,
Speaker 5: you know, feel like really appreciave for what I have
Speaker 5: right because today is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, by the way, there's probably someone listening to this
Speaker 1: who's really annoyed at all this like hippie shit, And
Speaker 1: I get why, and I understand. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that like suffering and pain is good. I'm not saying anything.
Speaker 1: I'm only talking about my own personal experience. I'm not
Speaker 1: talking about like if you're if you're listening to this
Speaker 1: and you're offended because you don't lie, I'm not. I'm
Speaker 1: only talking I don't know your life. I'm only I'm
Speaker 1: talking just talking about mine. And that's how I feel
Speaker 1: when I think about, you know, things, because I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: most I don't think it when you're in the middle
Speaker 1: of like suffering through something, you know, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: go like, oh, it's kumbaya, right. But I'm just talking
Speaker 1: about I've had. I've just I'm just reporting on my
Speaker 1: own personal experience as a human being having had and
Speaker 1: you as well, having had these kumbaya moments where you're
Speaker 1: kind of like in harmony with your own fucking bullshit.
Speaker 1: I I don't. I was talking to my friend about
Speaker 1: this the other day. People, I I think if you've
Speaker 1: never gone insane, you're missing something in the human experience.
Speaker 1: You know. Those people are like I'm on like I've
Speaker 1: been on a dating app and I'll see, like, you know,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm about to say is like incredibly
Speaker 1: judgmental and probably not true at all, but it's it
Speaker 1: is gut reactions that I've had. Like I'll see like
Speaker 1: a lady holding a drink with her friends and she
Speaker 1: works in marketing, and I'm like, has this lady ever
Speaker 1: gone insane? You know, like, how what's happening here? You know,
Speaker 1: maybe she had maybe she has I don't know her.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I shouldn't judgment judge about that, but
Speaker 1: you know, I'm you know, I'm.
Speaker 5: Trying to say, no, I understand, but you know what,
Speaker 5: it's funny that you mentioned that because I really think
Speaker 5: that having had so many like crazy experiences in the
Speaker 5: psychord and like crazy like you know, moments of like
Speaker 5: like literally like going insane, like you know, I was
Speaker 5: one of those people who had to be like handcuffed
Speaker 5: by the police and involuntarily brought to the hospital at.
Speaker 4: One point, and having gone.
Speaker 5: Through that, I feel so much more empathy and understanding
Speaker 5: for other people who are like going through it. You know,
Speaker 5: I think that I would be a lot more judgmental
Speaker 5: of like homeless people are people who have like drug
Speaker 5: addictions or anything like that, you know, if if I
Speaker 5: hadn't had that same experience of being there, because I
Speaker 5: really think, you know, if I had less support in
Speaker 5: my life, I could have been, you know, one of
Speaker 5: those people that everyone judges. So it definitely gives you
Speaker 5: like a totally different experience on just on just what
Speaker 5: it means to be alive when you've had that, you know,
Speaker 5: you've had that happened to you before.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, What did you say your name was against
Speaker 1: Fern Fern. Yes, okay, So how are you doing now
Speaker 1: that you're not addicted to benadryl? What's your life look like?
Speaker 4: So much better?
Speaker 5: But I do have to say, you know, I know
Speaker 5: a few years ago there were people who there's like
Speaker 5: this whole benadryll challenge on TikTok. Do you remember that?
Speaker 1: No, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Speaker 5: Go ahead, I can't be the only person that knows
Speaker 5: about this. There was like a like challenge of like
Speaker 5: people intentionally overroosing on benadryl on TikTok. Like this is
Speaker 5: a few years ago now, this is not super recent,
Speaker 5: but I just have to say that, like, you know,
Speaker 5: if you if you were one of the people at
Speaker 5: the time that engaged in something like that, then you
Speaker 5: know you're probably experiencing what I'm experiencing now, which is
Speaker 5: that your memory is like totally fucked, like really fucked,
Speaker 5: like for several years. You know, my her memory was
Speaker 5: really really bad. I mean it was never good to
Speaker 5: start with, but it definitely the benadryl did not help.
Speaker 4: And then only just now.
Speaker 5: That I've stopped, it's like, you know, actually starting to
Speaker 5: like I'm starting to see improvement, that's starting to get better,
Speaker 5: and it also like it messed up a lot of
Speaker 5: things in my body in general. I mean, like my
Speaker 5: mental health is a lot better now, and you know,
Speaker 5: I'm I'm that definitely is also helped by not not
Speaker 5: overdosing on benadrol all the time. But like even stuff
Speaker 5: like my like my like muscles were like messed up
Speaker 5: and stuff like that, and it's it's taken time for
Speaker 5: that sort of thing to heal.
Speaker 4: So and I don't think I really.
Speaker 5: Appreciated the like physical toll that it was gonna take
Speaker 5: on me, and also the traumas in my family as well.
Speaker 5: But you know now that as time increases between like
Speaker 5: the the you know, my last time overdosing and now
Speaker 5: it I just see you know, progressive improvement and I'm
Speaker 5: actually able to like live my life now, because that's
Speaker 5: really what it felt like. I mean, I felt like
Speaker 5: my life was like ruined, like it was ruining my life,
Speaker 5: and now I'm actually able to like, you know, do
Speaker 5: normal things. I mean like I didn't I didn't date
Speaker 5: at all for like like my entire life until this
Speaker 5: point because.
Speaker 4: Of what I was going through.
Speaker 5: So only just now am I able to like actually
Speaker 5: start experiencing like relationships and stuff.
Speaker 2: Like that too.
Speaker 1: How is that going?
Speaker 5: It's going. I like, I'm I'm fie so like before now,
Speaker 5: I'd only ever had relationships with like women or non
Speaker 5: binary people, and men are kind of interesting, especially men
Speaker 5: that are my age.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna, by the way, I'm gonna say this,
Speaker 1: for all the hippie ship we just talked about about
Speaker 1: like being grateful for like everything or whatever. I've never
Speaker 1: been on Tinder and been like, oh, I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: I'm alive so I can be on Tinder. I think
Speaker 1: I exclude that from the hippie conversation we just had.
Speaker 5: I think that maybe the first time I went on Tender,
Speaker 5: I was like, wow, I'm grateful that I get to
Speaker 5: experience this, But then I had like some some kind
Speaker 5: of homophobic things said to me from somebody, and now
Speaker 5: I'm like, Okay, you know, it's just kind of like
Speaker 5: it's just what I've got to do, you know, to
Speaker 5: like meet people. Unfortunately, but I mean it's it's going well.
Speaker 5: I mean, I may not be grateful for Tinder, but
Speaker 5: I'm grateful that I get to experience romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, by the way, I'm I'm mainly just bullshitting
Speaker 1: my act, like like deep down my thoughts about like
Speaker 1: dating apps, so that they're good. You know, they they
Speaker 1: open well, they're they're I mean not that they're like
Speaker 1: blanket good. They're they're a double edged sword because you know,
Speaker 1: on like the negative end, they you know, make people
Speaker 1: feel the pressed and compare themselves to other people, and
Speaker 1: you know, it makes your steam god down. But you know,
Speaker 1: I don't even have to say, there's a bunch of
Speaker 1: negative things. But on the positive, it's like it opens
Speaker 1: up new opportunities to meet people you never would have
Speaker 1: met before, and I think that that's like a huge positive.
Speaker 1: So I actually do think that overall dating apps are good.
Speaker 1: It used to be that, like you just got married
Speaker 1: to whoever lived next to you, whether you were a
Speaker 1: good fit or not, but you ended up being a
Speaker 1: good fit no matter what, because you both had the
Speaker 1: exact same life experience, so it all worked out. I
Speaker 1: guess we live in a more complicated world now, but
Speaker 1: we we live in a more complicated world now, but
Speaker 1: but we have our archaic wiring still. That's the that's
Speaker 1: the reality show Fun Part Twist of Humanity in twenty
Speaker 1: twenty five.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean, you know, my sister met her fiance
Speaker 5: on Tinder, so like, I know that it can work
Speaker 5: out for for people, but you know, it's kind of
Speaker 5: a flog together, especially in my area, like being a
Speaker 5: like member of the LGBTQ community and living somewhere that's
Speaker 5: like kind of conservative. It's you know, I'm always like
Speaker 5: a little bit hesitant meeting people, especially meeting like straight
Speaker 5: white men my age, you know, about whether or not
Speaker 5: they're going to be weird or not.
Speaker 1: So how old are you?
Speaker 5: I'm twenty two.
Speaker 1: Okay, damn, so you were So you started doing the
Speaker 1: Benagol thing when you were like eighteen.
Speaker 5: Yeah, So what happened was that I had like mental
Speaker 5: health issues in high school and then but I was
Speaker 5: living with my family at that point, right, so like
Speaker 5: I wasn't acting out, But then I moved to go
Speaker 5: to I'm Canadian, so I moved to go to university
Speaker 5: in twenty twenty. After I graduated, and then living in
Speaker 5: like a dorm for the first time by myself, I
Speaker 5: didn't have other people around me that I felt sad about, like,
Speaker 5: you know, doing this around. So then that's when it started,
Speaker 5: and it and it continued for right, yeah, and then
Speaker 5: it continued like for many years. You know, I hadn't
Speaker 5: exchange to France in twenty twenty three and actually got
Speaker 5: kicked out of the country because of all of those
Speaker 5: two So yeah, so that that was a that was
Speaker 5: a big deal as well. So and then that's you know,
Speaker 5: after I got back from France, that's when I ended
Speaker 5: up in the ICU. And then after that that's when I,
Speaker 5: you know, started to actually work on getting sober.
Speaker 1: Is benedrux illegal in France?
Speaker 5: Well yes, but they have another drugs in the same class.
Speaker 5: See this is I was so I was so fucking
Speaker 5: methodical about all of this, you don't even understand. I like,
Speaker 5: before I went to France, I was like googling, like
Speaker 5: what like drugs that they have at the pharmacy there
Speaker 5: that is analogous to benadrl that I could like keep
Speaker 5: doing the same thing when I got there. But then
Speaker 5: also I had like I was taking a prescription mood
Speaker 5: stabilizer at that point, and like a few I think
Speaker 5: I was also on antidepressants and my doctor in Canada
Speaker 5: gave me like a big fat like bottle to take
Speaker 5: with me to France because I didn't know if I
Speaker 5: could get it prescribed there, and so then I was
Speaker 5: also overdosing on that if I couldn't get my hands
Speaker 5: on the like benadrill analogous thing that they have. I
Speaker 5: don't even remember the drug now, but I used to
Speaker 5: buy it online at the pharmacy and then they would
Speaker 5: ship it to my dorm.
Speaker 1: Wow, and how did that get How did that get?
Speaker 1: You kicked out?
Speaker 5: So it was because I was on an exchange, like
Speaker 5: I said, so my like Canadian University had agreement through
Speaker 5: a third party with the university in France, and uh,
Speaker 5: part of the contract that I signed was that if
Speaker 5: you're like a danger to yourself or to other people,
Speaker 5: you can't stay on the exchange. And so I but
Speaker 5: when I went on the exchange, I thought that I
Speaker 5: had disclosed that I had this problem, but they were
Speaker 5: not happy about it. And so what ended up happening
Speaker 5: was that I I was admitted to the hospital in
Speaker 5: France after one of these instances, which was I mean
Speaker 5: crazy in and of itself, like I have so many
Speaker 5: stories from that.
Speaker 1: But like.
Speaker 5: When they admitted me, they took away my phone and
Speaker 5: so my phone was turned off for like a couple
Speaker 5: of days and I couldn't contact anybody, and my mom
Speaker 5: can't get a hold of me. None of the exchange
Speaker 5: people could get a hold of me, No one at
Speaker 5: my university.
Speaker 4: Could get a hold of me.
Speaker 5: So they actually declared me missing to the like French police,
Speaker 5: and then it took like a bit until after I
Speaker 5: was able to get my phone back and I could
Speaker 5: call them, and I was like.
Speaker 4: Like I'm alive.
Speaker 5: And then but because you know, they reported me missing,
Speaker 5: then my exchange company was alerted to what was going on,
Speaker 5: and it was kind of a thread that like unraveled everything,
Speaker 5: and the French psychiatrist said, you have to go home.
Speaker 5: Actually they wanted to have They wanted to like sedate
Speaker 5: me and restrain me and put me on a plane
Speaker 5: with a nurse to find me back to Canada, like
Speaker 5: I mean like like like straight jacket style almost. But
Speaker 5: my mom intervened and she said that she would come
Speaker 5: get me. So that's why I was able to be released.
Speaker 5: My mom hadn't come, they would have like you know,
Speaker 5: like packaged me up like that and like drugged me
Speaker 5: up and sent me back to Canada like that, well.
Speaker 1: Your mom had to come to France to get you.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, my mom and my aunt flew to France to
Speaker 5: get me out of the psych ward, and then we
Speaker 5: went through Belgium and then we flew out of Belgium
Speaker 5: to get back to Canada.
Speaker 1: WHOA, yeah, are you? Are you like French Canadian speak French?
Speaker 4: I do speak French.
Speaker 5: I'm not French Canadian though, but I went to French immersion,
Speaker 5: so I'm like, I'm like proficient, I'm like conversational in French,
Speaker 5: which definitely helped when I was in France, especially in
Speaker 5: the hospital, because they don't speak English at all.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that would be that would be kind of
Speaker 1: that sounds psychedelic as fuck, being in like the psych
Speaker 1: ward of a country whose language you don't speak.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm really glad that I at least mostly understood them.
Speaker 5: I mean, there was like some things that I, like,
Speaker 5: I understand French better than I can actually speak it,
Speaker 5: so I could understand what they were saying to me
Speaker 5: a lot of the time, but I struggled to answer
Speaker 5: and it was tough because you know, also in France
Speaker 5: and the psych word, they have a very much like
Speaker 5: a the doctor is right sort of attitude, right, so
Speaker 5: like like you don't argue with them. I tried to
Speaker 5: argue with them once. It didn't end well for me.
Speaker 5: So it's definitely very, very different than the experiences I've
Speaker 5: had in patient in Canada.
Speaker 1: So, Fern, I guess before we go, what's next for you?
Speaker 1: See you've graduated school, I assume what's the future of
Speaker 1: Fern look like?
Speaker 5: Well, I'm actually going into my last master right now,
Speaker 5: cool of university.
Speaker 4: But I want to.
Speaker 5: I'm a public relations major, believe it or not, and
Speaker 5: I want to see if I can potentially work as
Speaker 5: like an intern at the legislature here in my province.
Speaker 5: And if not, then I want to go back and
Speaker 5: see my family and live live on the West Coast
Speaker 5: for a bit with them and try and get a
Speaker 5: job and just like live a normal ass life and
Speaker 5: not have this chaos around me anymore. Actually, long term,
Speaker 5: I hope to move back to France at some point.
Speaker 4: But that's that's a a whole thing that I'll have
Speaker 4: to work on.
Speaker 1: That would be pretty sweet, That would be pretty sweet. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what would you do in France? Just hang out?
Speaker 5: Well, I want to get my master's degree, So in France.
Speaker 5: Basically the standard of education is you have to get
Speaker 5: your masters, like under like just your bachelor's is not
Speaker 5: enough to get a good job. So I want to
Speaker 5: go back and I can get my masters. And because
Speaker 5: Canada has an agreement with France, I can apply for
Speaker 5: citizenship after like two years or something, so then I
Speaker 5: can be an U citizen and I can work. But
Speaker 5: hopefully as my long term goal is to do like
Speaker 5: communications and public relations for like NGO's, like Human Rights
Speaker 5: Watch or something like that. That's my goal. But we'll see.
Speaker 5: I mean, it's kind of a lot of goal, but
Speaker 5: you know, it would be fun, It'll be nice. I'm
Speaker 5: like I say, I'm just I'm just glad to be
Speaker 5: alive and I'm looking forward to everything that life has
Speaker 5: to offer.
Speaker 1: You know, Verne, I'm glad you didn't overdose on benadryla
Speaker 1: and die.
Speaker 5: I'm very glad that I didn't either. I mean, it's
Speaker 5: it's not a fun way to die. Like, I really
Speaker 5: don't recommend it. Not that anyone here is considering that,
Speaker 5: but I recommend against it. It's not enjoyable.
Speaker 1: This has been an interesting three conversations to have. I
Speaker 1: feel like, did everyone in this did everyone I talked
Speaker 1: to on this podcast almost die today. It was I
Speaker 1: talked to the boat Yeah, the boat girl. I talked
Speaker 1: to the trailer living lady with the rats. She was cool.
Speaker 1: She didn't just die. I don't think.
Speaker 5: I'm I'm real worried about boat girl, though. I hope
Speaker 5: she calls the Coastguard.
Speaker 1: I'm also worried about boat girl. I hope she I
Speaker 1: don't know why she. I mean, I'm glad we got
Speaker 1: to talk. It was a great conversation, but I don't
Speaker 1: know why she called. Well, she she seems pretty confident
Speaker 1: that she'll figure it out, and I actually I hope
Speaker 1: she does. I hope I'm not getting called. I hope
Speaker 1: I don't get like a phone call or something where
Speaker 1: they're like, hey, you have the last transcription of her.
Speaker 1: I don't even know why I'm putting that out in
Speaker 1: the universe. It's fucked up. She'll be fine. Everyone's gonna
Speaker 1: be fine. You're gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine.
Speaker 1: Everything's gonna be fine. Thanks. Thanks for sharing your story
Speaker 1: with us. I'm always happy to hear a story of
Speaker 1: a lot of stories today of people moving on with
Speaker 1: their lives and doing good stuff. So thanks for being
Speaker 1: a part of that, Fern, Is there is there anything
Speaker 1: else you want to say to the people of the
Speaker 1: computer before we go?
Speaker 5: Really, if you can all at all possibly do it,
Speaker 5: avoid getting involved in like any sort of addiction, like
Speaker 5: you know, drinking or smoking weed or like you know,
Speaker 5: in my case, self harm.
Speaker 4: Like it's such a.
Speaker 5: Deep, deep, deep, deep deep hole that you get yourself
Speaker 5: into and it takes years and years and years and
Speaker 5: years and a lot of pain and hard work to
Speaker 5: dig yourself out of it. It's just never worth it.
Speaker 5: It's not worth it. And if you're really struggling, you should,
Speaker 5: you know, if it's all possible, reach out to people
Speaker 5: around you so that you don't feel like you have
Speaker 5: to resort to that because it just makes things worse.
Speaker 1: Fern, thanks for calling, and good luck with the rest
Speaker 1: of your life.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: It's been great chatting great talking to you too, and
Speaker 1: I'll see you around the universe.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I have a good one. But bye.
Speaker 1: That was great. What a great appisode. That was a
Speaker 1: really fun episode. That was great. I loved I loved
Speaker 1: to today's episode. That was really fun, lots of juicy stories.
Speaker 1: I feel I'm very grateful in this moment. It's as
Speaker 1: I'm recording this, it's April twenty second, twenty twenty five.
Speaker 1: This summer will be five years of the of the
Speaker 1: therapy Get Go, and we're still getting interesting stories and
Speaker 1: having great phone calls and learning things and soaking up
Speaker 1: the lived experiences of others and it's cool. So thanks
Speaker 1: for calling, everyone who called, Thanks for listening, everyone who listened.
Speaker 1: I know we're putting a lot of ads in the
Speaker 1: podcast lately, so I'm trying to make the show longer
Speaker 1: so that the ads to podcast ratio is good. So thanks,
Speaker 1: thanks for bearing with me on this journey. Get bless.
Speaker 1: This has been fun. I don't know why I am.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I have anything else to say
Speaker 1: except that this. I've enjoyed doing this podcast today, three
Speaker 1: really great calls. Okay, anything else? Uh? I guess Well,
Speaker 1: this is the end of the podcast, so I can
Speaker 1: just trail off. And it's not like there's nothing past this.
Speaker 1: There's nothing past me trailing off, So this I can
Speaker 1: just I'm me trailing off is not blocking further content
Speaker 1: that would be to come, because it's the end. But
Speaker 1: maybe you can maybe I can say something random here. Okay,
Speaker 1: my brain doesn't work. I'm we did it. We did
Speaker 1: the episode, all right, thanks for listening, everyone, see you again.
Speaker 1: Soon goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night.
Speaker 1: Everything goes to teaching you the interview line that he's
Speaker 1: not really an expert.