WEBVTT - CZM Book Club: Everything that Isn't Winter, by Margaret Killjoy, Part Two 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:10.440 Colson Media book Club, book Club, book Club, book Club, 0:00:10.600 --> 0:00:13.039 book Club, book Club. I wonder how long I can 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:17.079 do that for book Club book Club. No, I should 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:19.400 probably stop do the rest of the introduction. Hello, and 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:21.680 welcome to Cools in the Media. Book Club, the only 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:23.400 book club where you don't have to do the reading 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:26.880 because I do it for you. I'm your host, Margaret Kiljoy. 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:31.440 And this week and today, this very day, the reading 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:34.599 that I'm doing is also writing that I did. This 0:00:34.840 --> 0:00:36.840 is the second half of a story that I wrote 0:00:36.840 --> 0:00:40.280 in twenty fifteen called Everything That Isn't Winter And if 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:43.880 you didn't listen to part one well with so much love? 0:00:44.440 --> 0:00:46.800 What the fuck are you doing here? How does your 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:49.920 brain work? How do you tune into the second half 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:53.040 of a short story and think this is where I'm 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:56.200 going to come in on? I just don't understand you. 0:00:56.680 --> 0:01:00.000 More power to you. This is that weird week between 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:03.000 Christmas in New Year's that feels like the last lap 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:06.120 in Mario, like not the third and final lap, but 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:09.160 the one that you drive afterward on autopilot while your 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:12.759 race stats play in the foreground, Or at least that's 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:15.280 sort of how it always feels here. It's a bizarre time. 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:19.600 But we're continuing the cozy energy of early winter with 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:24.560 a quote and I'm quoting Hazel here a surprisingly cozy 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:27.959 for how much gunfire is in it end quote story. 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:30.880 So hopefully this hits your post holiday malaise with a 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:33.520 fresh burst of energy, the kind of energy that will 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:35.720 make you shoot people. And to wait, I don't want 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:39.200 to spoil anything. Where we left off, we had our 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:42.640 main character, Aiden, who runs point on tactical for a 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:46.600 tea growing commune called The in Between during a belltaine celebration, 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:48.880 and yes, we know that that's Mayda, but stick with 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:52.200 us for the holiday theming, some of the collective's tea 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:55.840 fields are torched by raiders, and we follow Aiden and Bartley, 0:01:55.920 --> 0:01:58.920 a fellow tracker and a tactical point, as they hunt 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:02.600 down and kill a speck. Aiden returns to a strained 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:07.000 relationship with their boyfriend, and we got some devastating dialogue 0:02:07.080 --> 0:02:10.000 about the cracks that exist between the two of them. 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:15.200 Now we pick back up with Everything That Isn't Winter 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:21.080 by Margaret Kildren. There's a certain kind of peace on 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:24.320 a farm, and the tea leaves were emeralds in the moonlight, 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:28.560 the night birds sang in the forest. The trees stood 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:32.480 like crows on the horizon. There's a certain kind of 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:36.079 peace and holding a rifle as well. It shares the 0:02:36.120 --> 0:02:40.760 same simplicity, the same honesty with that rifle. In those fields, 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:45.040 my intentions were bare. We worked the earth, We defended 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:49.240 the fruits of our labor. I walked our eastern perimeter 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:52.760 through rows of tea and through the burned scar where 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:57.359 so much of our tea had been ahead at the gatehouse, 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:01.160 electric lights spit out a flood of across the tracks 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:04.360 and into the hills. We used red to save our 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.120 night vision. We used lights at all because they made 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:10.440 a good distraction, made any potential attacker believe that our 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:14.760 attention was focused on the railroad. I'd learned every bit 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:18.320 I knew about tactics a hard way. There were more 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:21.360 bodies buried in our fields than there were people living 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:24.520 in the lodge. But that night, while I clutched a 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:27.200 radio in one hand and waited to hear from Bartley, 0:03:28.160 --> 0:03:32.200 they didn't come for us from the trees. They didn't 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.160 come for us from the tracks, or over the Green River, 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:39.200 or from the mountains or the roads. They came for 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:45.440 us with artillery It took three seconds for two shots 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:50.200 to destroy the lodge. I saw them, those meteors as 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:53.520 they arked through the sky on a low trajectory and 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:58.120 reduced my home to rubble. They were tracer shells marked 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:01.280 to help their gun or aim, and they burned phosphorus 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:05.800 through the sky. They'd come from the east. They'd come 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:11.120 from Stampede Pass. I'd leveled trees older than my grandparents 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:15.680 to help build the lodge. I'd pedaled rebar eighty kilometers 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:19.200 up the tracks from the ruins of Tacoma to reinforce 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:23.039 the stone and mortar construction. And I'd killed two people, 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:25.640 a woman and a man who tried to rob me 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:28.560 on the way. I like to think I knew the 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:32.160 difference between the evil and the desperate, and those two 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:36.920 had just been desperate. I'd left their bones in the forest. 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:44.080 Three seconds, two shots, and all our work was gone. 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:48.159 With adrenaline in me, I don't consciously process sound or 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:52.120 scent or touch. Everything is visual, Everything is slow motion. 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:56.120 I ran through the green fields towards the shattered lodge 0:04:56.160 --> 0:05:00.680 as people streamed out. People were shouting. I might have 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:05.120 been shouting. I saw Khalil walk across the road carrying 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:09.320 someone toward the bomb shelter. That man existed to help people, 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:13.240 to carry people to nurse. Green shoots up out of 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:18.040 the soil and into the light. I existed for other purposes. 0:05:19.520 --> 0:05:22.520 I gave up on returning to the lodge. They could 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:26.320 rebuild without me, and Khalil was alive, and what good 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:29.200 would I do? And I was their guard, and I'd failed, 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:32.840 and I couldn't face Khalil, and I ran for the gate. 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:37.279 I set a rail cart onto the tracks, settled into 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:40.360 the saddle, put my feet on the pedals, then gave 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:45.120 a last look the lodge. Khalil was watching me, hands 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.880 on his hips, his chest heaved, He turned his head, 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:52.040 and he walked away. His gait told me more than 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:55.480 any words ever had. It was the gait of a 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.640 man who'd given up. I peddled east with my rifle 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.000 held out cross my lap. I pedaled until the adrenaline 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:06.440 cleared and the evening's fog grows thicker and thicker, and 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:08.760 I had the chance to realize what a mess I'd 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:11.720 just thrown myself into. A loone which was better than 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:16.360 acknowledging the mess from which I just fled. It didn't 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:19.919 make sense to destroy the lodge. It didn't make sense 0:06:20.000 --> 0:06:24.240 to destroy the fields. It made sense to capture our holdings. 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:28.400 Whomever I was running off to try to shoot, I 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.760 didn't understand them. If you know your enemy, and you 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.400 know yourself, you need not fear one hundred battles. If 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:36.920 you know yourself and not your enemy, you will lose 0:06:36.960 --> 0:06:40.120 as often as you win. If you know neither yourself 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:45.200 nor your enemy, you will never know victory. I'd pedaled 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:49.080 those tracks hundreds of times. The Cascade Range was my home. 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:52.599 I had grown up in its shadow. But fear creeps 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:55.440 into your system and renders the familiar into something alien. 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.160 The fog was milk thick, as thick as it had 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:02.520 ever been. My eyes tracked movement. I knew better than 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:06.600 to register the shifting of moonlight through wind blown branches, 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:09.520 the glint of light on the steel of the rails. 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:13.600 I passed a rusted junction box, still painted with pre 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:16.880 collapse graffiti, which meant the tunnel was only a few 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:21.320 hundred meters out. I stopped peddling, set the brakes of 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:25.200 the cart wouldn't roll back downhill, then dismounted as quietly 0:07:25.240 --> 0:07:28.760 as I could. It's hard to disguise. The sounds of 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:32.040 heels on gravel. I heard my own, but there was 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:36.360 another footfall fainter right behind me. A hand clamped down 0:07:36.360 --> 0:07:38.920 on my shoulder. I whirled, went for the knife on 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:44.040 my belt. Bartley she had one finger to her lips, 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:48.600 her eyes betraying sleepless exhaustion. We scrambled up the embankment, 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:51.320 pausing where we could just see the tracks at the 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:54.200 edge of our vision. My hands were on the bark 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.560 of a poplar. Its scent was in my head, and 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.760 I was grounded there in the tunnel. She said, she 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.680 was murmuring low into my ear. They've got military ordinance, 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:09.440 two big guns on two railcars, plus a whole train 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:14.720 of weaponry stretching into the tunnel. Who are they, don't know? 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:17.880 I've seen about twenty of them. Most of them are 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:21.560 camped inside the tunnel alongside the ordinance. Looks like they've 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:26.720 been there a few days. Uniforms, I asked, Nope, motive, 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:31.280 no idea. Bartley said they fired a couple artillery shells. 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:37.040 What they hit, They took out the lodge. I'd never 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:39.880 known Bartley to wear her heart on her sleeve, but 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:45.160 she took a breath at that, then another casualties. She asked, 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.240 I didn't stop to count. We should kill them all. 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:53.040 She wasn't judging their character, she was addressing a strategic concern. 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:58.440 How I mind the tunnel a couple years back? What 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:02.200 I asked that loud, switching for a moment into whisper 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.800 instead of murmur. I didn't tell anyone because I thought 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.600 people might get mad, and I figured our general Assembly 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:11.680 wouldn't go for it. How close do you have to 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:15.360 get to set it off? I asked? Close? Bartley said, 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.280 real close? Ten feet inside the front of the tunnel 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:21.160 against the south side wall. There's a rotted hunk of 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:24.720 plywood behind it, a cheap old breaker box. I put in, 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:27.920 switch the first three in the last three breakers and 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:31.440 then we've got two minutes to get clear. Well, that's 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:35.839 set off the ordinance on the train. Probably not. How 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:39.960 do we get there? I've got an idea. I'm not 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:44.120 gonna like it, am I, I asked, nope? But do 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:47.520 you know what you will like? You will like the 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:52.640 six savings on these products and services? What a deal? 0:09:53.160 --> 0:10:13.920 What a deal? And reback? I'm here to negotiate our surrender. 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:17.280 The words were foreign in my throat and hung strangely 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:20.440 in the air. They weren't my words. They weren't words 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:23.080 I really knew how to say. But I said them 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:25.760 loud and attracted the ire of a number of armed 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:29.120 women and men, Women and men I hoped wouldn't object 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:31.840 too immediately and too violently to the rifle I still 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:35.760 slung across my back. The fog was thinner at the 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:37.960 base of the tunnel, and it calmed me down to 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:40.800 see the silhouette spires of the trees and the faint 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:45.880 glow of stars above me. Two flatbed railcars extended out 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:49.400 from the tunnel, each with an old world gun, larger 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:54.000 than some houses. Inside the tunnel, a string of box 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:58.040 cars stretched farther than I could see. A half dozen 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:01.520 people approached me, no older than the kid I'd shot 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.440 on the cliff side. I like to think I knew 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:07.400 the difference between the evil and the desperate, And these 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:11.439 people weren't desperate, not on the face of things. Each 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:14.120 had a rifle trained on me, Each watched me with 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:18.160 some mixture of indifference and malice. Evil isn't something we 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:20.640 do to one another. It's the way in which we 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:24.600 do it. It's why we do it. There were two 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:28.320 clear authorities, a man about ten years my senior with 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:31.560 gray flecked into his red hair, and a woman with 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:35.000 at least twenty years on him. The two conversed briefly, 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:39.319 and the man approached General Samuel john He said he 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:43.839 didn't offer his hand, Aden Jackson. I said, I didn't 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:47.640 offer my hand. Our terms are simple, the general said. 0:11:47.920 --> 0:11:50.760 Anyone who leaves between now and noon tomorrow will not 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:54.680 be hunted down and shot. Who are you, I asked, 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:59.080 General of what army? The new Republic of Washington? He said, 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:04.440 another warlord. What's your claim on our land? I asked. 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:07.880 I knew his answer before he said it. I grew 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.360 more confident that I knew him, that I could outwit 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:14.720 or outshoot him. Small holdings like yours and the rest 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:17.000 of the New World are a relic of an era 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:19.840 we aim to put behind us. He said on script, 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:24.920 Washington has suffered too long without central authority. Mind, people, 0:12:25.000 --> 0:12:27.040 is fun. It's kind of dangerous, how fun it is. 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:31.640 You're right, I said. We will drive this train to 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:33.680 the end of the line, laying waste to everything in 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:36.920 our path, and raise forth our savior from the coastal waters. 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:41.280 That was a pretty different script. We'll raise new cities, 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.760 the general said, his eyes rolled back. He held his 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:47.240 palms face up in front of him, pure cities built 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:49.400 of light and manna. And we will live in his 0:12:49.559 --> 0:12:54.240 grace until the zombies. The older woman added, until the 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:57.160 zombies come and devour those of us who remain in 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.120 the cities. I looked around from bandit to band and 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:04.360 grins were painted on every face. You're screwing with me. 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:07.640 Of course, we're screwing with you, the general said. We're 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:11.079 not on some moral or religious quest. We've got artillery 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.560 and we want the pass so we can tax caravans, 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:15.360 and if you try to stop us, we'll kill you. 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:19.400 That's the world, now, that's always been the world. It's 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:21.960 a good world for people like me and mine, and 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:25.160 that's the only metric i'd judge by. We are going 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.520 to just tax you, you know, the woman said. A 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:29.800 little bit of fire, a little show of force, and 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:33.000 then we tax you. But I heard you shoot my grandson. 0:13:34.480 --> 0:13:37.320 All eyes and guns were on me, which I wanted. 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.360 With a certain, very limited understanding of the word want, 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:43.480 I'd lwered them away from the mouth of the tunnel 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:47.360 behind the trumped up highwaymen. In the thin fog, Bartley 0:13:47.400 --> 0:13:51.400 Lizard crawled toward the breaker box. I didn't feel like 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:56.960 lying anymore. You'll get yours, I said. There have always 0:13:57.040 --> 0:13:59.880 been people who want power over others. There have always 0:13:59.880 --> 0:14:02.760 been people who don't. The whole of our history is 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.640 the history of people like you killing people like me, 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:09.640 of people like me killing people like you. You'll live 0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:14.320 a miserable shit life, distrustful and afraid, and you'll get yours. 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:16.720 I'll get mine in the end, the same as you. 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:19.479 But I'll have lived a life in a society of equals, 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:25.160 among people I love. I'll have loved them. Hey. One 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:27.200 of the bandits, a young man, turned in time to 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:30.680 see Bartley crawling into the tunnel. He raised his rifle 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.440 and fired at my friend. I turned and ran uphill, 0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:37.960 perpendicular to the mouth of the tunnel. Always run uphill. 0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:41.760 People don't like chasing uphill. I made it behind a 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.280 fixed stump twenty meters up the embankment, and bullets lodged 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:49.240 into the decades dead tree flesh. I unslung and unsafetied 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:53.560 my rifle, returning fire. Bartley made it to cover herself 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:56.240 on the far side of the train from the bandits. 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.640 They could keep me pinned down and outflank me. Put 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:02.240 a bullet than me, then turned their attention to Bartley. 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:06.680 I had two spare magazines, one friend, and no hope 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:11.600 for backup. I had no hope at all. I shouldn't 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:15.160 have been cruel to Khalil. That man had left his family, 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:18.720 left the safety and stability of Bainbridge Island to follow 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:20.520 me into the mountains and to the edge of the 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:26.040 new world. He'd followed his dreams. We'd met in the 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:30.120 winter every winter since the first one. We'd walked out 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:33.280 along the Green River to its source. We made a 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:37.240 week of it, sixty kilometers round trip, and we'd held 0:15:37.280 --> 0:15:39.920 hands and stared at the breath of the sky, and 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:42.600 camped in the snow and walked out along the ice. 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:47.480 We'd never get the chance again. He worried about me. 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:51.840 He was right to worry about me. I was about 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:56.320 to die. Bartley caught my attention, then started banging on 0:15:56.360 --> 0:15:58.440 the steel of the car with the butt of a rifle. 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.520 This drew all eyes, and they were out from cover, 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:05.360 moving to flank me. I squatted up, aimed, and picked 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.080 off the general with a round through his cheek, his 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:11.240 head spun, his neck snapped, and his legs gave out. 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:14.960 The bandits turned away from Bartley, and she stood and 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:17.840 shot the older woman, the second in command perhaps or 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:21.880 maybe just the general's mother. Either way, she collapsed to 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:25.320 the hole in her sternum. A bullet grazed me, then 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:30.040 it burned across my shoulder. Blood welled up. Stay and 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:32.920 guard the train, one of the remaining women shouted into 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:36.000 the tunnel. The four remaining gunners were turned to cover. 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:40.440 Crouching by the wheels of the train, Bartley ran past 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:43.880 the train and forore the trees. She drew fire, but 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:48.160 not from every rifle. I took two quick, deep breaths, 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:51.440 let the oxygen fill me up, then rolled from cover. 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:54.480 I learned long ago not to let myself listen for 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:58.720 individual shots once I was committed. Fear is the antithesis 0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:03.000 of action. I heard a scream, a woman's scream, and 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:05.600 I ran down the embankment into the dark of the tunnel. 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:10.199 There was the plywood behind it, the breaker box. It 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:12.200 was too dark to see, but I found the breakers 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.480 by touch and tried not to focus on the muzzle 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:19.359 flashes coming from outside and inside the tunnel. Alike. Bullets 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:23.880 are dangerous. I know that intimately, But most bullets aren't aimed, 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:26.959 not really, and unaimed bullets are like lightning in a field. 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:30.679 If you stay low, you'll survive more likely than not. 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:35.600 I hit the six breakers. Two of the gunners from 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:38.800 outside had crossed the tracks, and I saw their boots 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:40.840 as they worked their way down the other side of 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:44.880 the train. I'd be flanked. I rolled under the train 0:17:44.960 --> 0:17:48.440 and took shots at the boots. Hit one was rewarded 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:50.840 with a man falling prone, and I shot him in 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:55.120 the temple. I crawled my forearms on the ties and gravel. 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:59.000 The wound in my shoulder was beginning to protest. I 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:01.640 shot another woman in the foot, and the two remaining 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:07.840 bandits outside fell without me firing. Bartley was alive. I 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:10.000 was almost to the mouth of the tunnel when the 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:13.600 charges blew, and only the behemoth of steel above me 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:17.359 saved me from the cascade of rock that followed. It 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:19.320 was no good to think about the lives that were 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:23.560 about to end. Suffocating in the darkness behind me, it 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:26.359 was no good to question whether or not I was evil. 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:31.000 In the dust and fog, I crawled forward toward the 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:35.240 faint moonlight. And do you know what else crawls towards 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:39.800 you through the firefight. It's the sonorous sounds of these 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:46.800 products and services at your whimsy, in your telephone on demand. 0:18:47.680 --> 0:19:06.320 Here's the ads. Her back, Bartley had a hole in 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:08.760 her leg where muscle and fat and skin should have been, 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:11.240 and I got her onto the rail cart with a 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:14.480 tourniquet on her thigh. People say you can't use a 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:16.760 tourniquet for more than a few minutes, but I'd learned 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:18.600 the bloody way that you could get away with one 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:22.440 for longer if you needed. Hey, do me a favor, 0:19:22.520 --> 0:19:25.840 she said, as I started to pedal. What's that? Don't 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:29.920 let me die? She said, that's all I asked, that's all, 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:34.560 don't let me die. You're not dying. Okay, I've got 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:38.800 another favor. What's that, Don't let me die? I really 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:43.159 don't want to die. I pedaled harder. It was downhill, 0:19:43.240 --> 0:19:45.720 easy going, and we went in and out of fog banks, 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:47.480 and Bartley went in and out of being in a 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:50.040 mood to talk when in and out of looking like 0:19:50.119 --> 0:19:52.719 she was going to make it. All I could think 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:56.119 about was Khalil, about how sure I'd been. I was 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.800 going to die about how sure i'd been. I'd never 0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:01.960 see him again. It was a long half hour before 0:20:02.000 --> 0:20:06.000 he reached the ruins of the in between. Three people 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:08.640 met us at the gate, including the woman who'd come 0:20:08.680 --> 0:20:11.720 for the harvest, the one who danced with Khalil. She 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:14.639 helped me carry Bartlett to the makeshift infirmary set up 0:20:14.640 --> 0:20:17.919 on the road. Any awkwardness between us lost to more 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:23.040 pressing matters. Doc told Bartley that she'd live. I gave 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:28.280 a quick report, and that report spread quickly. Khalil wasn't around, 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:31.560 and a fear came over me, a fear worse than firefights. 0:20:32.119 --> 0:20:34.119 He was okay. I'd seen him escape the lodge. I 0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:36.879 knew he was okay, but he wasn't okay with me. 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:41.200 I first met him when we'd both been visiting Tacoma 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:44.359 during the death days, when neither of us thought we'd 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:47.520 live to see twenty I'd loved him half my life, 0:20:48.160 --> 0:20:52.040 the half that mattered. I went down the concrete steps 0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:54.879 into the bomb shelter. It was full of people, and 0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:56.920 they were hurt and scared, and they wanted to talk 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:59.480 to me. But they all had the distinct disadvantage of 0:20:59.520 --> 0:21:03.840 not being Khalil. I went to the lodge, what remained 0:21:03.840 --> 0:21:06.800 of the hall we'd built. There were people who weren't Khalil, 0:21:06.840 --> 0:21:10.320 picking through the smoking rubble, shoring up the surviving walls, 0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:14.440 digging for survivors and corpses. I went to the remnants 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:16.639 of the bridge that at once in the old world 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:19.560 crossed the Green River. But there was no one there 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:22.320 to kiss me in the shadows of the ruins. No 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:24.560 one waiting in the river with his hand on the 0:21:24.560 --> 0:21:28.200 small of my back, no one singing in sweet low tones. 0:21:29.240 --> 0:21:32.359 I thought about walking into the river anyway, until the 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:35.920 water took me. The river in spring is as cold 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:40.120 as snow. I went to the fields, and I found 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:43.080 him in the northeast corner, the corner we'd seen from 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:47.639 our poster bed. His hands swept across the leaves. He 0:21:47.720 --> 0:21:53.720 sang wordless serenades to the tea. Khalil. He heard me 0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:56.800 because his body tensed, and he paused his song. But 0:21:56.880 --> 0:22:02.919 he didn't turn around. Khalil, I'm sorry for what. He 0:22:03.000 --> 0:22:05.359 was far enough away that I could scarcely hear his voice. 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:09.800 For a lot of things. You do what you do. 0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:13.920 A breeze came across the fields, from the river, whispering 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:17.520 against the tears of my cheeks. And I fought harder 0:22:17.560 --> 0:22:19.880 to keep my voice level than I'd fought to stay 0:22:19.880 --> 0:22:25.040 alive an hour prior. I don't want to just do 0:22:25.119 --> 0:22:29.359 what I do, I said. He turned towards me, and 0:22:29.400 --> 0:22:32.480 he was crying harder than I was. He always cried 0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:37.080 harder than I did. It's okay if you worry about me. 0:22:37.200 --> 0:22:42.440 I said. You ran away tonight, he said. He didn't 0:22:42.480 --> 0:22:45.560 try to disguise the pain in his voice. You went alone. 0:22:46.720 --> 0:22:48.920 Maybe it's too much for me that you're not here 0:22:48.960 --> 0:22:51.600 when I need you, That you're never safe, that you 0:22:51.640 --> 0:22:55.960 take stupid risks. I had the distance between us and 0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:59.280 he was just out of arm's reach. I was going 0:22:59.320 --> 0:23:02.960 to die tonight, I said. I sat down, hugged my knees. 0:23:03.800 --> 0:23:05.600 I was going to die, and I was never going 0:23:05.640 --> 0:23:08.199 to see you again. And now I've survived. But what 0:23:08.240 --> 0:23:11.560 if I never get to be with you again. He 0:23:11.640 --> 0:23:15.760 sat down across from me, mirrored my pose. You never 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.879 talked to me, he said, I know. Why don't you 0:23:19.960 --> 0:23:24.400 talk to me? I'm afraid, I said, But I said 0:23:24.440 --> 0:23:29.960 it too quiet. What I'm afraid? I said louder I'm afraid. 0:23:30.040 --> 0:23:32.720 I'm afraid of you, and I'm afraid of us, and 0:23:32.760 --> 0:23:35.440 I'm afraid of this new world we've built that one 0:23:35.520 --> 0:23:37.800 day soon it'll be no place for me and everything 0:23:37.840 --> 0:23:40.840 I've done and everything I am. I'm afraid of everything 0:23:40.920 --> 0:23:43.919 that isn't winter, and I'm afraid of everything but dying. 0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:47.719 My eyes were closed, and I couldn't see him, and 0:23:47.760 --> 0:23:49.919 I couldn't hear him, and all I heard was my 0:23:50.040 --> 0:23:53.040 heart beating out of sink. For a minute, at least, 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:57.240 it was all I heard. I didn't see him move, 0:23:57.400 --> 0:24:00.320 but his arms wrapped all the way around me, my 0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:04.320 knees and my back. He held me. I let myself go. 0:24:05.200 --> 0:24:07.200 He kissed the top of my head, and I nuzzled 0:24:07.200 --> 0:24:10.440 into his neck. You do what you do, he said, 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:14.680 and I love you for it. You love me, all stupid, 0:24:14.760 --> 0:24:19.840 all covered in blood. I love you, he said. His 0:24:19.920 --> 0:24:22.399 hand went into my hair, and he held me like 0:24:22.400 --> 0:24:25.000 he used to, He held me like he wanted me. 0:24:25.840 --> 0:24:28.000 I took him by the beard and pulled his face 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:32.520 against mine, felt his lips against mine, open mouthed, his 0:24:32.640 --> 0:24:36.400 hands went to my hips. My fingers dug into his chest. 0:24:37.520 --> 0:24:40.760 Smoke drifted up from the ruins of our home, and 0:24:40.880 --> 0:24:43.480