WEBVTT - Dig Deep XYZ: When the Train is Falling Off the Tracks

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, Welcome to Desperately Devoted, the Ultimate Desperate Housewives rewatch,

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<v Speaker 1>hosted by me, Terry Hatcher, my on screen daughter Andrea Bowen,

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<v Speaker 1>and my real life daughter Emerson Tenny.

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<v Speaker 2>So we have to talk a little bit more about

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<v Speaker 2>this particular episode, and I want to hone in on

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<v Speaker 2>what I think and I think we can all agree

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<v Speaker 2>is maybe one of the certainly one of the best

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<v Speaker 2>scenes of the first season of Desperate Housewives, but maybe

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<v Speaker 2>of the entire series, which is Lynette's big hallucination break

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<v Speaker 2>down at the kitchen sink where she sees at Mary

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<v Speaker 2>Alice appear and mary Alice extends her gun out to

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<v Speaker 2>her and she's having this moment that basically crescendos into

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<v Speaker 2>the broad theme of the episode, which is, gosh, is

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<v Speaker 2>it hard to ask for help from people? And so

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<v Speaker 2>I think there's a lot to talk about here.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I'm not good at asking for help. I'll just

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<v Speaker 4>start with that.

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<v Speaker 2>But I feel like that's an I'm Terry Hatcher and

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not good at asking for help.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I'm Terry Hatcher and I'm not good asking for help.

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<v Speaker 5>Ye, I did know, I mean episode eight Guilty.

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<v Speaker 3>I do think an alternate title for guilty could have

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<v Speaker 3>been I can't ask for help. But you know, actually,

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<v Speaker 3>as I say it, I'm like that, No, that would

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<v Speaker 3>be a bad title. And so they were right to

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<v Speaker 3>call episode eight guilty, and I'm glad that they did.

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<v Speaker 3>And I promise I am a fairly decent writer who

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<v Speaker 3>comes up with clever things sometimes. But I do think

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<v Speaker 3>I think it is really hard to ask for help

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<v Speaker 3>a mom. I totally see you struggle with asking for help,

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<v Speaker 3>especially as a single person who has, I would say,

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<v Speaker 3>as an outsider, an abundant well of resource in terms

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<v Speaker 3>of friends and family and people who are in your

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<v Speaker 3>corner and love you and champion you, but who you,

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<v Speaker 3>of your own admissions, say that you don't want.

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<v Speaker 5>To burden by reaching out.

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<v Speaker 4>Tom, there's an interesting trick that I think I actually

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<v Speaker 4>talk to you about in regard to relationships.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh, I know what you're gonna say, and you did,

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<v Speaker 5>and I do think of this.

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<v Speaker 4>Should I say it?

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<v Speaker 5>Or do you want to say you said that you.

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<v Speaker 6>Can go ahead?

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<v Speaker 5>Well, no, you say it, you gave the advice. You

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<v Speaker 5>say it.

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<v Speaker 4>Well, I remember when you were dating. I remember in

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<v Speaker 4>the beginning, and I remember saying to you that letting

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<v Speaker 4>other people feel needed is a very important quality of

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<v Speaker 4>a relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>So you like said this to me, Oh I do. Yeah, Oh,

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<v Speaker 2>this is great advice. I thought about it ever since

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<v Speaker 2>you told me it.

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<v Speaker 4>Wow, okay, well I have and what am I called?

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<v Speaker 6>TV mom?

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<v Speaker 1>Hey?

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<v Speaker 6>Thanks TV Mom for the great advice.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. We went to dinner and you shared this with me,

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<v Speaker 2>and I thought it was really it has stuck with

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<v Speaker 2>me since and that.

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<v Speaker 6>Was years ago.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh well, thank you, And I do think it's true,

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<v Speaker 4>and I think about it like I think I still

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<v Speaker 4>have to work on this actually, which is asking for help.

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<v Speaker 4>Where you think it might be a weakness, you're actually

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<v Speaker 4>allowing that other person in your life to show up

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<v Speaker 4>in a way that makes them feel needed.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, I mean, I think one of the biggest ways

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<v Speaker 3>to strength and intimacy is to have the vulnerability to

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<v Speaker 3>let someone in and tell them what you need and

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<v Speaker 3>ask them for help. And as much as I am

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<v Speaker 3>saying that now and I really do believe it and

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<v Speaker 3>I try to practice it, it is still difficult. And

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<v Speaker 3>it's difficult in this industry. It's difficult in every industry.

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<v Speaker 3>But I think, speaking from my experience in the film industry,

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<v Speaker 3>I do. And I wonder if you relate to this,

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<v Speaker 3>Andrea or Mom. There is this kind of assumption, especially

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<v Speaker 3>when you were early on in your career, that you

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<v Speaker 3>are just supposed to know how to do things for

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<v Speaker 3>the first time. I'm thinking about when I first graduated

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<v Speaker 3>college and I moved back to la and it was

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<v Speaker 3>right in the beginning of the pandemic in twenty twenty,

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<v Speaker 3>and I was working as a tutor, and I was

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<v Speaker 3>like starting to write my first script, speckscript, and I

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<v Speaker 3>was looking for work, and I was looking for work

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<v Speaker 3>in the industry. And I had a friend of mine

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<v Speaker 3>who is a DP and he was working on this

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<v Speaker 3>non union, really random documentary that was shooting all of

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<v Speaker 3>the reenactments for the documentary between Vegas and reading California

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<v Speaker 3>and ready He's like North, it's like almost like clog. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>And they said, you know, we need a because it's

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<v Speaker 3>super low budget. We need like a PA who can

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<v Speaker 3>also drive a camera van and also do like COVID

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<v Speaker 3>testing and are you free and would you do this?

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<v Speaker 3>It's like a three week shoot. And I said, yeah, sure,

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<v Speaker 3>of course I'll do it. And then of course the

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<v Speaker 3>first thing I get is the gigantic camera van and

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<v Speaker 3>I in LA that I need to drive to Vegas

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<v Speaker 3>and then eventually drive from Vegas to Oregon basically, and

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<v Speaker 3>I was like, yeah, I can drive that, like i've

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<v Speaker 3>and I took the job.

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<v Speaker 5>I drive. I made it in the van down to Vegas.

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<v Speaker 3>We then have an excruciating week of only night shoots.

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<v Speaker 3>We wrap out after like a week and a half

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<v Speaker 3>of doing this and I am exhausted and I get

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<v Speaker 3>into this big, like twenty foot camera van that I'm

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<v Speaker 3>still not great at driving, and I plug in the

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<v Speaker 3>address for where we're going and reading. It was like

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<v Speaker 3>our day off, but it was a travel day, so

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<v Speaker 3>it wasn't really a day off. And I think it's

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<v Speaker 3>now like four thirty in the afternoon, and I plug

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<v Speaker 3>in the address for reading and it says it's gonna

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<v Speaker 3>take me sixteen hours to get there, and I started

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<v Speaker 3>crying in the car. I was like, I, there's no

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<v Speaker 3>way I'm gonna be like, I'm exhausted, I've been sleeping

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<v Speaker 3>no hours. There's no way I'm gonna be able to

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<v Speaker 3>drive this van there or but it would be safe. No,

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<v Speaker 3>And it certainly was not safe. And I but I'm

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<v Speaker 3>not asking anyone for help not admitting to anyone that

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<v Speaker 3>I didn't know how to drive this van.

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<v Speaker 5>Well, that I was exhausted because I'm like, well, what

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<v Speaker 5>am I supposed to do? I took this job. I

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<v Speaker 5>need to show up for it.

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<v Speaker 3>I need to deliver what I said I could deliver,

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<v Speaker 3>Like I'm getting paid. People are counting on me. The

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<v Speaker 3>camera equipment has to be there, so I make it

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<v Speaker 3>up there. I had like twelve hours to sleep, and

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<v Speaker 3>the next day I didn't have to drive the camera van,

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<v Speaker 3>but my job was again. Another night shoot was at

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<v Speaker 3>five am when they were like wrapping up. The night

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<v Speaker 3>shoot was to pick up talent in a mini van

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<v Speaker 3>a different car and drive them from the bar where

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<v Speaker 3>they were filming back to the hotel. And we're now

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<v Speaker 3>in Reading, California, really small, like dark streets. A lot

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<v Speaker 3>of streets have been closed, and all night that we'd

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<v Speaker 3>been filming, we'd been hearing this train. We were right

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<v Speaker 3>by these train tracks, and we've been hearing this train.

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<v Speaker 5>Go by and go by.

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<v Speaker 3>And I am coming back from having dropped off the

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<v Speaker 3>first group of crews. I'm alone in the minivan and

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<v Speaker 3>I'm looking at the GPS, but I'm like trying to

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<v Speaker 3>figure out what ever, how to get there. A couple

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<v Speaker 3>of roads have been closed because now it's so late

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<v Speaker 3>at night, and it says, okay, make a left onto

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<v Speaker 3>railroad Avenue. And I see okay, Railroad Avenue, and I

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<v Speaker 3>go and I make a left and there was not

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<v Speaker 3>enough light, and instead of turning onto the street, I

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<v Speaker 3>turn onto the train track that I've just heard trains

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<v Speaker 3>going down, and I like immediately nuserk reaction, pressed on

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<v Speaker 3>the accelerator and the car sped further onto the train

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<v Speaker 3>tracks and lodged like perpendicular to the train tracks. And

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<v Speaker 3>I'm pressing on the gas and the wheels are spinning

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<v Speaker 3>because now I'm on the train tracks, so the car

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<v Speaker 3>is completely elevated, and I had this moment where I said,

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<v Speaker 3>oh my god, this is how people get hit by trains.

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<v Speaker 3>Like I'm pressing the gas. I know trains come down.

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<v Speaker 3>I can't get the car off the train tracks. And

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<v Speaker 3>I put on the hazards and I grabbed actually the

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<v Speaker 3>backpack with the hard drives in it, and I because

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<v Speaker 3>I'm such.

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<v Speaker 6>A good oh my gosh, I gave the movie.

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<v Speaker 3>I threw up in the car door and I ran

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<v Speaker 3>off of the train tracks leaving the car there, and

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<v Speaker 3>I immediately called nine one one and they were able

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<v Speaker 3>to shut down the train before it came and hit

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<v Speaker 3>the car.

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<v Speaker 4>Wow.

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<v Speaker 6>It took all of that to get you to call

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<v Speaker 6>for help.

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<v Speaker 3>And I was like, God, I need to be better

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<v Speaker 3>about admitting when I'm in over my head.

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<v Speaker 5>Wow, because I almost just got hit by train.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh my god, what is the scariest way? You never

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<v Speaker 4>asked for help?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh gosh, Well, this shows up in my life in

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<v Speaker 2>all kinds of ways. But listening to Emerson's story and

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<v Speaker 2>then thinking about it in the context of work, I

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<v Speaker 2>have definitely felt like I need to be better at

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<v Speaker 2>asking for help in work environments. I've touched on this.

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<v Speaker 2>I prided myself and I've throughout my life of being

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<v Speaker 2>so prepared and so capable, you know, and that started

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<v Speaker 2>from being young.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, and it's an industry where maybe not now so much,

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<v Speaker 4>but twenty years ago. I mean I showed up after

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<v Speaker 4>having a miscarriage, I showed up with one hundred and

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<v Speaker 4>three fever. I showed up having pneumonia, right like you basically.

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<v Speaker 2>Must go on.

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<v Speaker 6>Yeah, that's what we're taught.

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<v Speaker 5>Honestly.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it still is like that. Maybe an intelliged in

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<v Speaker 3>different language, but it's still like that.

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<v Speaker 6>Yeah, And an example of that in my career.

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<v Speaker 2>And I laugh about it now because there was so

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<v Speaker 2>many funny things that came out of this particular experience.

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<v Speaker 6>But I did. I was a guest star on the

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<v Speaker 6>show The Ghost Whisper.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember that show, yes, And I had a great

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<v Speaker 2>experience in terms of, you know, working with everyone in

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<v Speaker 2>the cast and the role I had initially auditioned for

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't get and instead they they offered me what

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<v Speaker 2>they said was the better role. They were like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>this is that You're now the featured ghost of the episode,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, and so we were like, okay, great, And

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<v Speaker 2>then I showed up to set and my in my

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<v Speaker 2>trailer as a part of my costume was a burlap

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<v Speaker 2>sack and we were confused as to what that was

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<v Speaker 2>and they were like, that's to go on your head.

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<v Speaker 2>And then I realized that for the majority of the episode,

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<v Speaker 2>I had a burlap sack on my head.

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<v Speaker 5>So that's this is.

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<v Speaker 1>I know.

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<v Speaker 6>So that's a different story, but very funny. And then

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<v Speaker 6>as the Ghost Whisper arc of the ghost in.

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<v Speaker 2>The episode, does you find out their backstory and you

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<v Speaker 2>find out how they died. And my particular character had

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<v Speaker 2>died in a sorority hazing ritual where she had to

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<v Speaker 2>wear a sack on her head and horrible. Yeah, yeah, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>And we were filming an Angela's Crest National Forest out

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<v Speaker 2>here in LA and what happens is that she has

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<v Speaker 2>this thing on her head and then she ends up

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<v Speaker 2>falling off of a cliff and kind of getting tangled

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<v Speaker 2>with the tree and the sack and she hangs herself

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<v Speaker 2>and and so that's the story of.

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<v Speaker 6>How my ghost characters died.

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<v Speaker 3>Right.

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<v Speaker 2>So to do this, we had to do a kind

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<v Speaker 2>of a stunt. They put me up on a crane.

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<v Speaker 2>They had a crane, you know, working, and they were

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<v Speaker 2>gonna suspend me, and they did this, and because I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't want to be difficult and I didn't want to

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<v Speaker 2>challenge anyone, I just went along with this stunt that

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<v Speaker 2>shouldn't I should not have performed, probably, but it wasn't

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<v Speaker 2>set up correctly, and so I ended up losing my

0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:24.040
<v Speaker 2>voice for several weeks after the episode and having some

0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:29.160
<v Speaker 2>kind of like damn minor but present cord damage and

0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:32.439
<v Speaker 2>visible bruising around my neck, which I showed up to

0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:34.000
<v Speaker 2>work on desperate housals because I was filming at the

0:10:34.000 --> 0:10:36.960
<v Speaker 2>same time, and our makeup and hair people were like,

0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:37.880
<v Speaker 2>what happened to your neck?

0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:39.080
<v Speaker 6>Like why do you have bruises on your neck?

0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:40.760
<v Speaker 2>And I told them this story and they were horrified

0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:44.080
<v Speaker 2>that I, you know, that that happened to me. But

0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:46.240
<v Speaker 2>then also it was like, why didn't you say anything?

0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:48.920
<v Speaker 2>And not that it was my fault. No one was

0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:51.240
<v Speaker 2>insinuating it was my fault. But it really was a

0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:55.200
<v Speaker 2>lesson of like it's okay to say, hey, this is uncomfortable.

0:10:55.480 --> 0:10:57.760
<v Speaker 2>Hey I need someone to come help me, I don't

0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:01.880
<v Speaker 2>feel safe or whatever. I didn't, and you know, I'm

0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:05.040
<v Speaker 2>obviously fine, but but it was a lesson that stuck

0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:07.240
<v Speaker 2>with me, and I've tried, really do try to be

0:11:07.240 --> 0:11:10.520
<v Speaker 2>better now and I certainly like to spread the message

0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:14.320
<v Speaker 2>to other actors and younger actors that you really need

0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:17.080
<v Speaker 2>to advocate for yourself and asking for help is a

0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:19.720
<v Speaker 2>form of a great form of advocating for us.

0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:24.839
<v Speaker 4>A very short story that happened to me a thousand

0:11:24.960 --> 0:11:26.560
<v Speaker 4>years ago, but I won't.

0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:27.079
<v Speaker 5>Ever forget it.

0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:31.839
<v Speaker 4>I pulled up at within a taxi at the George Sank,

0:11:31.880 --> 0:11:35.199
<v Speaker 4>which is like the fanciest hotel in Paris, and I

0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:39.199
<v Speaker 4>was by myself and the you know, the the valet

0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:42.440
<v Speaker 4>guy from the hotel, you know, comes out, and the

0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:47.160
<v Speaker 4>taxi's opening the thing. This is pre uber and and

0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.439
<v Speaker 4>you know, the taxi guy gets the luggage out and

0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.760
<v Speaker 4>the man says, you know, can I get your luggage

0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:54.440
<v Speaker 4>for you? And I was like, oh no, that's okay,

0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:59.000
<v Speaker 4>I've got it myself. And he says to me, if

0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:03.160
<v Speaker 4>you don't let anyone and help you, no one ever will. Wow.

0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:05.280
<v Speaker 5>Okay, Guardian angel VALI.

0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:06.480
<v Speaker 2>Now I know why they charge so much for that

0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:09.280
<v Speaker 2>hotel because it comes with advice.

0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:12.120
<v Speaker 6>It comes with advice.

0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:13.240
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:16.520
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, that was that stuck with me. But you know,

0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:18.720
<v Speaker 4>it's still it's still hard and I and I and

0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.880
<v Speaker 4>I circle back to I believe it's hard for us

0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:24.960
<v Speaker 4>to ask for help because it's hard for us to

0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:30.040
<v Speaker 4>admit that we can't do everything, because that challenges our

0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:35.480
<v Speaker 4>own value. And I think we mistakenly sort of settle

0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:40.319
<v Speaker 4>in this place of associating our value with independence, and

0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:42.880
<v Speaker 4>that's where we go off the train tracks. We go

0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:47.240
<v Speaker 4>off right there at the connection between value and doing

0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:51.400
<v Speaker 4>it all by yourself. And I would argue that value

0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.959
<v Speaker 4>is elevated by being vulnerable enough to ask for help,

0:12:56.800 --> 0:13:02.520
<v Speaker 4>that that actually makes you more powerful. Yeah, that you

0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:03.040
<v Speaker 4>can do that.

0:13:03.080 --> 0:13:05.920
<v Speaker 3>And honestly, we also don't know what asking for help

0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:08.240
<v Speaker 3>can lead to. I mean, we see even in this

0:13:08.360 --> 0:13:12.960
<v Speaker 3>same episode eight with Rex and Brie when they agree

0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:17.680
<v Speaker 3>to finally help each other dispose of Andrew's car. However, could,

0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:21.200
<v Speaker 3>like you know, morally questionable. That may be it's this

0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:24.800
<v Speaker 3>act of working together that is potentially going to maybe

0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:27.520
<v Speaker 3>open the door for saving their marriage. And I do

0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:30.080
<v Speaker 3>think there is there's so much strength that can come

0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:34.199
<v Speaker 3>out of allowing ourselves to say.

0:13:34.040 --> 0:13:36.960
<v Speaker 5>I can't do this alone.

0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.240
<v Speaker 4>I feel like I feel like this is a really

0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:42.520
<v Speaker 4>good example of where our three generations are make things

0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:46.160
<v Speaker 4>really obvious, because I feel like my generation, my mother's generation,

0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:50.040
<v Speaker 4>we did not ask for help, We did not say

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:53.360
<v Speaker 4>what was happening. We just we put up and shove

0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:56.000
<v Speaker 4>up and carried on like that that was me. And

0:13:56.080 --> 0:14:00.760
<v Speaker 4>I feel like your generation at least was having like

0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:03.920
<v Speaker 4>the awareness of it, the the ability to sort of

0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:06.760
<v Speaker 4>start to shift. And I feel like you are your

0:14:06.840 --> 0:14:09.680
<v Speaker 4>generation is really in a place where you're like, we're

0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:11.040
<v Speaker 4>not taking it anymore.

0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:12.960
<v Speaker 2>And you know, this episode, just to wrap it all

0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:15.360
<v Speaker 2>up with a bow, made me think of a beautiful

0:14:15.480 --> 0:14:18.400
<v Speaker 2>quote from the amazing My Angelou and I think we

0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.120
<v Speaker 2>should leave it with this, which is she said, when

0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:25.920
<v Speaker 2>we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.

0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:28.560
<v Speaker 4>Ah and I love bos.

0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:31.600
<v Speaker 5>There you go and Maya Angelou.

0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:34.240
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, we're just so devoted to My Angela.

0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:36.720
<v Speaker 4>We are, and we're desperately devoted to you. So come

0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:39.640
<v Speaker 4>back next week for for more, for more taps,