Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. I have a confession, and my
Speaker 1: confession is this, I'm right and theyre wrong. I am
Speaker 1: right and they are wrong always. Have you ever felt
Speaker 1: that way? Have you ever felt that the person you
Speaker 1: are looking at is just totally off their rocker because
Speaker 1: they can't see it the way you see it, They
Speaker 1: don't hear it the way you hear it, And when
Speaker 1: you try to impose your rightness upon them, they go
Speaker 1: into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, happens all the time
Speaker 1: in relationships. The way I think about it is this,
Speaker 1: at the center of each of us, there's a core.
Speaker 1: There's a thing. It's like an onion. People think that
Speaker 1: it's the layers in the onion that make the onion stink.
Speaker 1: Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1: It's that core all the way down deep inside that
Speaker 1: makes your eyes run water when you cut that onion open.
Speaker 1: And what we failed to realize is every onion smells different.
Speaker 1: M We just think that onion is gonna make us
Speaker 1: cry and it's gonna smell bad. No, every onion is different.
Speaker 1: In other words, what's in your core it's not the
Speaker 1: same as what's in somebody else's core. And while your
Speaker 1: core makes you right, their core has a totally different scent,
Speaker 1: which means they're gonna see it different, they're gonna feel
Speaker 1: it different, they're gonna hear it different. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: You've got to understand that everybody has a right to
Speaker 1: their core. Even if their core makes you wrong, it's
Speaker 1: their core. And that's what my guest and I are
Speaker 1: gonna talk about today. Why your core makes you right
Speaker 1: and their core makes them right. Take a listen. Greetings Toamenka,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the our spot. And what is your relationship challenge,
Speaker 1: question issue dilemma today? Hi, Auntie Yanga, you're my auntie.
Speaker 1: You just don't know it. Hi. I've been following you
Speaker 1: finch back in in the meantime book. One day my
Speaker 1: soldiers open, but I want to say thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: So I have a delemma with my brother. We're three
Speaker 1: years apart. We've been very closed. My mom recently died
Speaker 1: two years ago July thirty. UM, normally I'm the black
Speaker 1: sheep of the family. My brother is kind of like
Speaker 1: the golden shoud. It's always been like that. UM kind
Speaker 1: of over that stuff. So it really doesn't matter. For
Speaker 1: my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I
Speaker 1: was able to have an experience of actually having my
Speaker 1: mom there, um which having my daughter five years ago,
Speaker 1: almost six, a good years ago helped. UM. My mom
Speaker 1: passed away during that time. It was very she got
Speaker 1: sick two once in a hospital. UM. My brother was
Speaker 1: beside me. He really didn't help much. He had just
Speaker 1: moved back with the family from New York. UM after
Speaker 1: she got a week later, he basically flipped everything. And
Speaker 1: it was all my fault of basically leaving him out.
Speaker 1: I assumed that he was just kind of mourning a
Speaker 1: different way. Fast forward two years now, we live in
Speaker 1: the same state, very close together, Maryland, my husband and him.
Speaker 1: My husband tried to beat the middle person but I'm
Speaker 1: to a point now I'm tired. I'm done. I love
Speaker 1: my niece and nephew, my daughters a five month apart,
Speaker 1: my sons a year apart. My father is still in
Speaker 1: a picture. He's starting to see my mom started to
Speaker 1: see before she died. But it is what it is.
Speaker 1: They kind of created that person. Um. Right now, I'm
Speaker 1: trying to find peace. I want to find peace. I
Speaker 1: want to find true freedom. It hurts very bad, but
Speaker 1: I know that that relationship one day come to something
Speaker 1: whatever that's and comes. Um, but it hurts. I know
Speaker 1: that he wants me to show that hurt. I know
Speaker 1: he gets something good out of it. I don't really
Speaker 1: like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. There are
Speaker 1: times when my my husband recently has been invited to
Speaker 1: their house for a football party. I asked him, I
Speaker 1: boos asked them, were the wives the children invited? My
Speaker 1: brother said, no, long story short, women and children were there.
Speaker 1: My husband later talked to him about it three different times.
Speaker 1: When brother just said he didn't know about it. He
Speaker 1: kind of lies about it, brushes it over. Um. I
Speaker 1: just auntie yalla. I'm just trying to buy people within
Speaker 1: myself because I know that people like just what's gonna
Speaker 1: happen throughout life, and I just want to be okay
Speaker 1: with him. Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just
Speaker 1: a little confused. Yeah, I heard you say. I'm close
Speaker 1: to my brother. I'm the black sheep, He's the golden
Speaker 1: chop and mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and now he I'm still trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: happened when the sheep and the golden child got together.
Speaker 1: What happened? Well, I thought we were close. I mean
Speaker 1: I think at one point we probably were. He had
Speaker 1: my face tattute on his arm years ago when his
Speaker 1: late teams. But there were still underlying like as you say,
Speaker 1: like you know, in high school and stuff, where like
Speaker 1: I said, my brother he was the gold child to me,
Speaker 1: goes always the one with the issues. I was the
Speaker 1: one that kind of wanted truth and they kind of
Speaker 1: pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. So
Speaker 1: I always ruffled their feathers um still to this day
Speaker 1: with my father's same thing. So I I understand that
Speaker 1: I'm very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned
Speaker 1: that a lot of people do not like that about me.
Speaker 1: Um uh, my mom. He got to know me once
Speaker 1: my daughter was born because she wanted to have relationship
Speaker 1: with my daughter. A lot of times he or she
Speaker 1: would just cut me off if I didn't like if
Speaker 1: she didn't like what I said or didn't like that
Speaker 1: I did something. So when my daughter came in the picture,
Speaker 1: it got to the point where we may had an issue,
Speaker 1: but we were able to get through it. We were
Speaker 1: able to speak our truth, but then moved past it.
Speaker 1: She didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout
Speaker 1: the years, I thought that I had this real issue
Speaker 1: with my brother. But I'm starting to see when I
Speaker 1: look at myself and look back, I never asked him
Speaker 1: if anything. I just was being a big sister, always
Speaker 1: helping and being there for him, covering him, protecting him.
Speaker 1: But I guess somehow in the mix, I'm starting to
Speaker 1: see that maybe this is how he really felt about
Speaker 1: me all along. How does he feel about it? I
Speaker 1: really don't know, because meek oh, I know you were
Speaker 1: gonna do that to me. My experience with him it
Speaker 1: has been that he's he doesn't like he's just like
Speaker 1: my we were raised, you know, It's kind of like
Speaker 1: we looked like the Coffee family, but behind closed doors,
Speaker 1: you know to because you're the issue. You're the problem
Speaker 1: anything if there's something between them, till I become the problem,
Speaker 1: even if I'm not the problem. Okay, so let me
Speaker 1: answer this. What made you the black sheet? Where did
Speaker 1: you get that from? Because that's old? Uh, it's I'm
Speaker 1: the black sheet because okay, I'm the black sheet because
Speaker 1: I like to really speak truth. I want to get
Speaker 1: to the core of an issue. Um, they like to
Speaker 1: keep on the surface. M hm um. What else? I'm
Speaker 1: the black sheet because oh, I'm the black sheet because
Speaker 1: Tomka doesn't know anythings, so I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is
Speaker 1: that it? Okay? They think they know me, but they
Speaker 1: really don't really know me. And I've all can say
Speaker 1: it's say got that before my mom died, for those
Speaker 1: six five years almost she was able to know me,
Speaker 1: she was able to know who I was, and the
Speaker 1: relationship became different. Um, I really, I hope I don't
Speaker 1: sound like I'm the victim because I'm really not trying
Speaker 1: to play a victim role. But no, you're not the victim.
Speaker 1: You're the black sheet. You now, what makes him the
Speaker 1: golden child? Because because he's PJ, like that's his nickname,
Speaker 1: but he's he. Whatever he says, it's golden. You know,
Speaker 1: like Nika has been working in marketing, communications and TV
Speaker 1: production for years, but he comes in and he has
Speaker 1: done something in marketing as well, which is still good.
Speaker 1: But because it's him, Oh, it seals the deal. It
Speaker 1: has gold on it, it has it shimmers with gold.
Speaker 1: Whatever he says, it just comes out to fruition Tanika. Um,
Speaker 1: he kind of ruffles that feathers that makes us feel
Speaker 1: quite uncomfortable. Is it possibly because he's the baby? Um,
Speaker 1: it could be. I mean, it definitely could be. I
Speaker 1: would say, like in high school and stuff, it was
Speaker 1: the same way, Like, for example, got to the point
Speaker 1: where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to go
Speaker 1: to work, Um, I had to pay him for gas money. Um,
Speaker 1: and he had a car and my car was down.
Speaker 1: I pay my parents for gasney. So it's kind of
Speaker 1: like I can't. It's kind of like they would do
Speaker 1: things for him, but they would not do it for
Speaker 1: me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give
Speaker 1: your brother gas money. You know. It's like it's kind
Speaker 1: of like, well, I would have to do it for
Speaker 1: my parents, it's kind of like him. It was different.
Speaker 1: They didn't have them to shoot with him. For some reason.
Speaker 1: They gave him. He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess.
Speaker 1: But for me, I I did not make them feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: I guess that's how I would. I would definitely look
Speaker 1: at that. Yeah, m hm. And because he's the baby,
Speaker 1: and because that's because they saw themselves in him. So
Speaker 1: they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad
Speaker 1: would say that your brothers like me, you're like your mother,
Speaker 1: you're like your father. I'm the one that I don't
Speaker 1: really want. They see things in me that that I
Speaker 1: guess remind them of the other spouse. And you know
Speaker 1: I was the one they didn't want. Wow, that's deep,
Speaker 1: and that's in your heart. I'm the one they didn't want.
Speaker 1: They wanted him. They don't want me. Now he doesn't
Speaker 1: want me. Kind of Yeah. I thought that once my
Speaker 1: mom died, it was like the spirit of what I
Speaker 1: saw from my mom years ago, of secting God to
Speaker 1: to have another relationship with her. And once I was
Speaker 1: able to get it, God run, It's then that feeling
Speaker 1: of not being good enough. It's certain, well your mother
Speaker 1: raised him, so all of those old ideas that she
Speaker 1: may have had about you, about you being the black
Speaker 1: sheet ruffling the feathers, everything is your fault. That's your
Speaker 1: job to fix it. Maybe she didn't get a chance
Speaker 1: to correct that in his hard drive before she left
Speaker 1: it and she saw it. Yeah, so that's where he's
Speaker 1: operating from. I'm trying to go back there in the
Speaker 1: past until the drive, but that's where you live. You
Speaker 1: everything you said, you talked to me about high school,
Speaker 1: you talk to me about being a teenager. You didn't
Speaker 1: talk to me anything about present day. You are in
Speaker 1: the past, and that's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing,
Speaker 1: because you you bring in the past with you into
Speaker 1: this current moment. Well, I feel like every time I
Speaker 1: feel like I've learned something or grown or for gate
Speaker 1: to another level, than life comes in and it takes
Speaker 1: me back. Like I felt like I was able to
Speaker 1: have a level of protection where I lived my life
Speaker 1: before I had kids, before I got married, I lived
Speaker 1: my life and I waited until thirties six years because
Speaker 1: I wasn't really sure if I wanted kids I wasn't
Speaker 1: really sure. I want to get married, and I feel
Speaker 1: like I had a level of protection there, and then
Speaker 1: I didn't read it. Then I have kids, and then
Speaker 1: it's like, I'm so family oriented that, you know, I
Speaker 1: want my family to be connected, and so, you know
Speaker 1: where I didn't go to the house that my father
Speaker 1: lives in today because I was raised in it and
Speaker 1: to me, it didn't feel like a home and bring
Speaker 1: back very bad memories. But I was willing to look
Speaker 1: past that because I wanted my children to have relationship
Speaker 1: with my father. You know, Like, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think I had a decent life. I think I was
Speaker 1: psychologically emotionally abused, and I think they did what they
Speaker 1: thought was the best at the time. But it seems
Speaker 1: like because of having these kids and happening a husband,
Speaker 1: it's it's opening up doors that I can no longer control,
Speaker 1: and it's made me so vulnerable and bringing back things
Speaker 1: that I thought that I had handled, but now I
Speaker 1: have to handle on a different level. And I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do, and I just want people with
Speaker 1: them myself because I know that I can't control no
Speaker 1: one else with me. Take a breath, we'll talk more.
Speaker 1: About it when we come back. Welcome back. I am
Speaker 1: y'm lt. This is the our spot. Do you cook? Yes?
Speaker 1: Have you ever cut an onion? And when you cut
Speaker 1: an onion in half? What do you see? Uh? Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's sometimes you have a white sometimes a very strong
Speaker 1: smell that can make you cry mm hmm. But do
Speaker 1: you see the layers? If you cut an onion and
Speaker 1: has that skin on it, right, and you peel that
Speaker 1: skin off, that's on the surface, now you've got this
Speaker 1: little white ball. And if you feel that off, it's
Speaker 1: over there and it's doing its thing. But you still
Speaker 1: got a little white ball. So baby, you are just
Speaker 1: peeling layers. And under every layer doesn't mean that the
Speaker 1: piece that you peeled off isn't good and useful. It
Speaker 1: just means you've got some more layers to go through.
Speaker 1: That's all that means. I'll be finished with the layers. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm seventy. I'm seventy, and I still got the brown
Speaker 1: skin on the outside of my onion nests years old.
Speaker 1: Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive, I thought
Speaker 1: I was forgiving, But I guess you know, we'll see.
Speaker 1: You may have done the forgiveness work, but you haven't
Speaker 1: experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing the work
Speaker 1: of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, had
Speaker 1: you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there,
Speaker 1: go to the core of the onion, because that's where
Speaker 1: the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not
Speaker 1: the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes
Speaker 1: you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough,
Speaker 1: down into the stink of it, you experience, Oh, okay,
Speaker 1: that's who they were, that's how they were, that's who
Speaker 1: I was, That's how I was. This is who they are,
Speaker 1: and that's how they are. This is who I am,
Speaker 1: And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the
Speaker 1: experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother,
Speaker 1: my older brother. He was sixteen, cross, addicted to drugs
Speaker 1: and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky,
Speaker 1: his relationship with my father, his his image of himself.
Speaker 1: And I was the baby, and I was the healthiest
Speaker 1: one in the room most of the time. So, like you,
Speaker 1: it was always my job to fix stuff. But I
Speaker 1: was also stupid. I was also dumb, I also ruffled
Speaker 1: feathers because I was clairvoyant and clear audience, and I
Speaker 1: could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided
Speaker 1: gift of speaking it out loud stead of keeping my
Speaker 1: durn mouth shut. So all through his life, I was
Speaker 1: always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him to
Speaker 1: live with me, blah blah blah blah blah. He would
Speaker 1: call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, sometime
Speaker 1: on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, either one,
Speaker 1: and want to rehash our childhood. And I had done
Speaker 1: my work, so I didn't see my father the way
Speaker 1: he did. I didn't see our upbringing the way he did.
Speaker 1: So one year I said to him, if the only
Speaker 1: thing you wanna do is call me and talk about
Speaker 1: Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all of these people, I
Speaker 1: don't call me, don't call me and ruin my Christmas,
Speaker 1: my Thanksgiving, in my birthday, but these stories because I
Speaker 1: don't see it like that. He said, you know, you
Speaker 1: so stupid, get on my nerves and he hung up,
Speaker 1: and I didn't see my brother for five years. Five years.
Speaker 1: How did that make you feel? How did it make
Speaker 1: me feel? Initially? I was angry that he couldn't see
Speaker 1: it the way I saw it, and then I was
Speaker 1: hurt that he didn't appreciate all that I had given
Speaker 1: to him and done for him. And then I got
Speaker 1: clear that it wasn't about him, it was about me.
Speaker 1: And then I did my work, and over the course
Speaker 1: of the five years, I got to the place where
Speaker 1: I said, my brother is an addict, my brother is
Speaker 1: a wounded little boy, and I will I will never
Speaker 1: understand the depth of his pay All I can do
Speaker 1: is have compassion for him. And then I got to
Speaker 1: the point where I could say, I love my brother
Speaker 1: just as he is. Nothing about him needs to change.
Speaker 1: Because I experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself.
Speaker 1: And then one day, it was his birthday, March thirty one,
Speaker 1: two thousand two. On his birthday, my mother raised us.
Speaker 1: We never worked on our birthday. He went out on
Speaker 1: his birthday and got high and had a heart attack
Speaker 1: on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness,
Speaker 1: and I accepted my brother just as he was for
Speaker 1: who he was, and made the choices about how I
Speaker 1: was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask
Speaker 1: me anything and I would give it to him, but
Speaker 1: I wouldn't put money in his hands. Can you hear me? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you got to accept your brother just as he is,
Speaker 1: but who he is, and choose to participate or not.
Speaker 1: Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you
Speaker 1: and never got to heal that in his hard drive
Speaker 1: before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas
Speaker 1: and the only way those are going to change is
Speaker 1: if he chooses to change them, and if you are
Speaker 1: willing to make the effort to let him know who
Speaker 1: you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. Uh.
Speaker 1: Like I'm compelling in my head because I'm thinking, like
Speaker 1: I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had
Speaker 1: this closeness. But now that go back, I look at
Speaker 1: it as I did a lot of things for him,
Speaker 1: and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it.
Speaker 1: But I never asked or anything from him because I'm
Speaker 1: not just never did no reason why. So I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I
Speaker 1: thought it happened. Maybe I just never really had it.
Speaker 1: I just cleared in my head. I yeah, that is
Speaker 1: quite common that we're having a relationship with somebody that's
Speaker 1: different than the relationship they are having with us, and
Speaker 1: you spoke it right out of your mouth. You did
Speaker 1: a lot of things for him because it was your
Speaker 1: fault and it was your job to fix it. That
Speaker 1: was the role you chose in the family. It was
Speaker 1: your fault. He's the golden child. I'm the black sheet, right,
Speaker 1: and it's my job to fix it. He never asked
Speaker 1: you for that stuff, but he asked you for some
Speaker 1: gas money. Yeah, you're holding him responsible for what you
Speaker 1: made up and what you did based on the chip
Speaker 1: in your hard drive. I'm the black sheet, piece of
Speaker 1: golden child. It's my fault, my job to fix it,
Speaker 1: based on your role in the family. Of course, he
Speaker 1: doesn't know who you are now because you haven't shown up.
Speaker 1: It's who you are now you're showing up is who
Speaker 1: he knew you to be as a teenager. And I
Speaker 1: kind of said things like that when I saw certain things,
Speaker 1: but it was more so it was just a lie.
Speaker 1: And then it then after that it's like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't want to go in the argument of old you're lying.
Speaker 1: I know you're lying. You know you know him not. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not like I don't do that, So I just like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I leave alone because it's like I can't make someone
Speaker 1: be honest with me, they won't to be honest with me.
Speaker 1: Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on,
Speaker 1: even though you know the line though, but maybe it's
Speaker 1: not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a
Speaker 1: lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what
Speaker 1: you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you
Speaker 1: say it. In the minute you make somebody wrong, they're
Speaker 1: gonna go on the defensive. And once they become defensive,
Speaker 1: you know, you're like shocked because I'm like, you're on
Speaker 1: the defensive and nobody is even attacking you, but you
Speaker 1: are in your speaking because you're functioning from the black
Speaker 1: sheep posture, and whatever your position is in the matter,
Speaker 1: it's going to determine how you see it. Okay, So
Speaker 1: what do we do now? We'll talk about that right
Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. It could very well be
Speaker 1: that you're having, you had a relationship with him that
Speaker 1: he's not having with you. Yeah, because I mean, it's
Speaker 1: like the little things that they put their pictures up
Speaker 1: family beaud in the wall, and I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: my husbands like any of the pictures. And three years
Speaker 1: later then they bought a house, they added more pictures
Speaker 1: and still no pictures, but they added more other people.
Speaker 1: But did you ask him? Did you forget the to
Speaker 1: with Boo Boo in it? Whatever your husbands you forgot
Speaker 1: to picture with Boo in it? No? I didn't ask.
Speaker 1: But why is that important to you that your brother
Speaker 1: doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house
Speaker 1: with your husband in it? Why is that important? I
Speaker 1: guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly,
Speaker 1: it's like a it's a fake and phony thing, and
Speaker 1: I wanted to be not fake and phony judgment, judgment.
Speaker 1: It's not important to him, so why should he put
Speaker 1: it on the wall in his house. It's not important
Speaker 1: to him. It's important to you, it's not important to him.
Speaker 1: So in essence, my love, you're doing the very same
Speaker 1: thing to him that he does to you. You make
Speaker 1: what's important to you his priority. Well, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: figure out where my place is and I and see
Speaker 1: to meet me. Because it's so fake, it's so phony,
Speaker 1: it's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you.
Speaker 1: From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my
Speaker 1: brother would stick a needleful of heroine in his arm.
Speaker 1: I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me
Speaker 1: that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add
Speaker 1: columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was
Speaker 1: a mathematical genius, and he would put a heroine his art.
Speaker 1: So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I
Speaker 1: didn't know what was in the core of his onion.
Speaker 1: I didn't know. No, I don't know what doc So
Speaker 1: I had to stop expecting his onion the smell like
Speaker 1: my on what happened to other people, that's because you're
Speaker 1: taking on. Like I said, I made a simple request
Speaker 1: of my brother, don't call here talking that. I don't
Speaker 1: want to hear it more. He didn't want to hear
Speaker 1: that from me, so he hung up and separated himself
Speaker 1: for five years. So be it. You can't have it
Speaker 1: both ways. You can't stand in what you value and
Speaker 1: then expect other people to line up with it if
Speaker 1: they don't value the same things. I just I just
Speaker 1: thought that when you generally care for someone and you
Speaker 1: want that relationship with that person. You all can sometimes
Speaker 1: agree to disagree. You have a talk so you all
Speaker 1: can come to a common ground. But that may not
Speaker 1: be what he wants, or it may not be the
Speaker 1: way he wants it. And it's okay. I want you
Speaker 1: to you do. You have a pencil and a piece
Speaker 1: of paper, write this down. I want you to write
Speaker 1: down two things. First thing, I'm a spell it for you,
Speaker 1: okay as E now f that's the first word. Second word,
Speaker 1: are I gee age t e? Oh you else? What
Speaker 1: does that spell? Selfrighteous? Uh? Huh? Makes you blind? Ah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Now you think that everybody sees it the way you
Speaker 1: see it, baby, they don't. He's got a maulthfunction in
Speaker 1: his hard drive based on the way you'll were raised.
Speaker 1: You've grown up, done some work, stretched and but you're
Speaker 1: still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's
Speaker 1: gonna see it the way you see it. They don't.
Speaker 1: Your mother didn't, your father doesn't, he doesn't, your brother.
Speaker 1: I don't mean to be selfrights. Well, just something for
Speaker 1: you to consider. Just that's not a bad thing. It's
Speaker 1: not a bad thing. It's based on our next word. Okay,
Speaker 1: write this down. What is my now, I'm a spell
Speaker 1: this word? P oh s I t I oh? And
Speaker 1: what is my what? What is my position? Position? What
Speaker 1: is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am I
Speaker 1: expecting somebody to see it the way I see it?
Speaker 1: Do I think my opinion is better than theirs? Are
Speaker 1: stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to
Speaker 1: see when I see? Well, yeah, you've got to ask
Speaker 1: those things. I get it. Yeah, I guess I it
Speaker 1: being so righteous because I thought that the love was
Speaker 1: the same moment. We were both in the same level
Speaker 1: of having that love and relationship that I thought that
Speaker 1: we had years ago, and that now that we're married
Speaker 1: and we have kids that were close in age, and
Speaker 1: because we're in the same state and we grew up
Speaker 1: with a big family being closed, I thought that he
Speaker 1: would want the same things. Have you ever asked us no?
Speaker 1: Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: Because he seems like if I go below the surface,
Speaker 1: ruffle fea kind of tired of ruferences. Who appointed you
Speaker 1: to be the surface digger? Nobody asked you to go
Speaker 1: belowd beneath the surface. It's just who I am. I
Speaker 1: like to stay below the surface. But I'm trying to
Speaker 1: I've learned, I guess in my early dirties that I
Speaker 1: go quite deep sometimes and sometimes you're gonna want to
Speaker 1: go deep, and so I'm I'm trying to learn to
Speaker 1: stay on the surface to me, because some people just
Speaker 1: don't want that deepness. Yeah, but that self righteousness. I
Speaker 1: go deep and they want to stay on the surface.
Speaker 1: How about it. I have a different consciousness than they do.
Speaker 1: What's my position? I'm looking straight up with my hands
Speaker 1: outreached and they're looking out their left eye with one
Speaker 1: hand in their pocket. Not right, not wrong, not good,
Speaker 1: not bad, just different. You call it deep and surface.
Speaker 1: Yes I thought I was respecting them. No, you're calling
Speaker 1: it surface. And it may just be their capacity based
Speaker 1: on what's in their hard drive. You call it surface
Speaker 1: and deep. It may just be about capacity. Oh God, okay,
Speaker 1: oh God is right. Let me tell you something you
Speaker 1: want to talk about deep. I can sit in a
Speaker 1: room with people and read them like a book, tell
Speaker 1: you what color draws they got on and who they're screwing,
Speaker 1: and what they did and when they lie in and
Speaker 1: telling you. You can't go around talking to people like
Speaker 1: that because compassionately. I know they're at their capacity. This
Speaker 1: is what they can handle. Not right, not wrong. Everybody
Speaker 1: isn't clear voyant. Everybody doesn't have the gift to that.
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to impose my perspective on everybody.
Speaker 1: I get to choose. Wow. I look at things with
Speaker 1: my parents from the past. They did what they thought
Speaker 1: was best at that moment. You know, at that point
Speaker 1: into that way, I didn't, you know. I was trying
Speaker 1: to find ways to not carry that on and look
Speaker 1: at them as being human too, because they had to.
Speaker 1: They had their own separate journey. Respect their capacity and
Speaker 1: don't be righteous about where you are, and don't see
Speaker 1: them as less that, and don't see you as more
Speaker 1: than don't see them as wrong or right. Write this down.
Speaker 1: I s underlining that what is not what I want,
Speaker 1: what it should be, what I think it should be,
Speaker 1: what they should be doing. No, no, no, this is
Speaker 1: what it is. It is this I'm having a relationship
Speaker 1: with my brother that he is not having with me. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me see what kind of relationship he is happen
Speaker 1: with me, and let me shift my position or what
Speaker 1: how I want to participate. This work is your work
Speaker 1: to do belove it. I really want you to look
Speaker 1: at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I want you
Speaker 1: to look at how you think or how you may
Speaker 1: expect people to see everything the way you see it,
Speaker 1: do it the way you do it, feel it the
Speaker 1: way you feel it. That's a form of self righteousness.
Speaker 1: Whenever you get in that place, look at, Okay, what
Speaker 1: is my position? What am I saying should be happening,
Speaker 1: What am I saying isn't happening. What am I thinking
Speaker 1: they're doing? What is my position? Because your position is
Speaker 1: going to determine how you see the experience. And then
Speaker 1: I want you to learn to look at what is
Speaker 1: going on and make a clear choice about how you
Speaker 1: want to participate, if you want to participate. Because I
Speaker 1: hear everything that you're saying. But I got two things
Speaker 1: in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in the chip
Speaker 1: in his hard drive as it relates to you, and
Speaker 1: that you function from the position of he's the golden child,
Speaker 1: you're the black sheep. It's your fault and it's your
Speaker 1: job to fix everything and finally be willing to let
Speaker 1: five years go. And you don't speak to your father, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm afraid that I'm afraid that if I just let go,
Speaker 1: let it like let go meaning of of the outcome
Speaker 1: of it, what happened, and it hurts me to my court,
Speaker 1: Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it,
Speaker 1: and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself
Speaker 1: for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've
Speaker 1: given you. And I promise you if you if you
Speaker 1: shift everything that's gonna shift and stop being the durn
Speaker 1: black sheet. Go get your red dress or something. I'll
Speaker 1: do that. I'm gonna look at how I see myself. Um,
Speaker 1: I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable around them,
Speaker 1: my brother, my father, I do. I don't feel safe,
Speaker 1: so I do put a burial on one. I guess
Speaker 1: when I get around them, it's like I have to
Speaker 1: put this kind of armor one to protect myself emotionally
Speaker 1: from them. Well, no, wonder they can't get in to
Speaker 1: learn who you are today? Well yeah, wow, do some work.
Speaker 1: Give me a call in a couple of weeks and
Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Thank you. I will, okay, sweetie,
Speaker 1: all right, and go back to forgiveness. Go back to
Speaker 1: that book. Thank yo. There are two important things to
Speaker 1: understand when we're experiencing a breakdown or some level of
Speaker 1: discord in and even relationship. The first thing is this,
Speaker 1: your position in the matter will determine how you perceive
Speaker 1: the matter, how you stand in the matter, how you
Speaker 1: address the matter. Your position determines your perspective. That's number one.
Speaker 1: Here's number two. It's all about you, boo. It's all
Speaker 1: about you. It's always about you, no matter what is
Speaker 1: going on. The other person may never change. The other
Speaker 1: person may never see it your way even though you're right.
Speaker 1: But if you don't shift your position about the need
Speaker 1: to be right, about seeing it your way about what
Speaker 1: they need to do. If you're not willing to shift
Speaker 1: your position, that doesn't have anything to do with them.
Speaker 1: It's all about you, and the discord will continue until
Speaker 1: you and or your piss. Yes. I hope this has
Speaker 1: been helpful to someone, and if you have a question
Speaker 1: about this or any other relationship issue, you can call
Speaker 1: me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven
Speaker 1: seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on
Speaker 1: social media for all of the calling times and until then,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The r Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.