1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,360 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:20,280 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,120 Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. I have a confession, and my 10 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 1: confession is this, I'm right and theyre wrong. I am 11 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: right and they are wrong always. Have you ever felt 12 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:08,120 Speaker 1: that way? Have you ever felt that the person you 13 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: are looking at is just totally off their rocker because 14 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: they can't see it the way you see it, They 15 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,319 Speaker 1: don't hear it the way you hear it, And when 16 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 1: you try to impose your rightness upon them, they go 17 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, happens all the time 18 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 1: in relationships. The way I think about it is this, 19 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: at the center of each of us, there's a core. 20 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: There's a thing. It's like an onion. People think that 21 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,119 Speaker 1: it's the layers in the onion that make the onion stink. 22 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, no no. 23 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: It's that core all the way down deep inside that 24 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 1: makes your eyes run water when you cut that onion open. 25 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: And what we failed to realize is every onion smells different. 26 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: M We just think that onion is gonna make us 27 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: cry and it's gonna smell bad. No, every onion is different. 28 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,640 Speaker 1: In other words, what's in your core it's not the 29 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: same as what's in somebody else's core. And while your 30 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 1: core makes you right, their core has a totally different scent, 31 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,520 Speaker 1: which means they're gonna see it different, they're gonna feel 32 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 1: it different, they're gonna hear it different. Here's the thing. 33 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 1: You've got to understand that everybody has a right to 34 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:43,320 Speaker 1: their core. Even if their core makes you wrong, it's 35 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: their core. And that's what my guest and I are 36 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 1: gonna talk about today. Why your core makes you right 37 00:02:53,960 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: and their core makes them right. Take a listen. Greetings Toamenka, 38 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 1: Welcome to the our spot. And what is your relationship challenge, 39 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: question issue dilemma today? Hi, Auntie Yanga, you're my auntie. 40 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: You just don't know it. Hi. I've been following you 41 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: finch back in in the meantime book. One day my 42 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 1: soldiers open, but I want to say thank you, thank you. 43 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: So I have a delemma with my brother. We're three 44 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: years apart. We've been very closed. My mom recently died 45 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:34,079 Speaker 1: two years ago July thirty. UM, normally I'm the black 46 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 1: sheep of the family. My brother is kind of like 47 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: the golden shoud. It's always been like that. UM kind 48 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: of over that stuff. So it really doesn't matter. For 49 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I 50 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: was able to have an experience of actually having my 51 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 1: mom there, um which having my daughter five years ago, 52 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,119 Speaker 1: almost six, a good years ago helped. UM. My mom 53 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: passed away during that time. It was very she got 54 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 1: sick two once in a hospital. UM. My brother was 55 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 1: beside me. He really didn't help much. He had just 56 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: moved back with the family from New York. UM after 57 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: she got a week later, he basically flipped everything. And 58 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 1: it was all my fault of basically leaving him out. 59 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: I assumed that he was just kind of mourning a 60 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 1: different way. Fast forward two years now, we live in 61 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,839 Speaker 1: the same state, very close together, Maryland, my husband and him. 62 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,840 Speaker 1: My husband tried to beat the middle person but I'm 63 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,920 Speaker 1: to a point now I'm tired. I'm done. I love 64 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,760 Speaker 1: my niece and nephew, my daughters a five month apart, 65 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: my sons a year apart. My father is still in 66 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 1: a picture. He's starting to see my mom started to 67 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: see before she died. But it is what it is. 68 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 1: They kind of created that person. Um. Right now, I'm 69 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 1: trying to find peace. I want to find peace. I 70 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 1: want to find true freedom. It hurts very bad, but 71 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 1: I know that that relationship one day come to something 72 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: whatever that's and comes. Um, but it hurts. I know 73 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: that he wants me to show that hurt. I know 74 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: he gets something good out of it. I don't really 75 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 1: like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. There are 76 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: times when my my husband recently has been invited to 77 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: their house for a football party. I asked him, I 78 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: boos asked them, were the wives the children invited? My 79 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: brother said, no, long story short, women and children were there. 80 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,720 Speaker 1: My husband later talked to him about it three different times. 81 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: When brother just said he didn't know about it. He 82 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 1: kind of lies about it, brushes it over. Um. I 83 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 1: just auntie yalla. I'm just trying to buy people within 84 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,239 Speaker 1: myself because I know that people like just what's gonna 85 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: happen throughout life, and I just want to be okay 86 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:47,480 Speaker 1: with him. Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just 87 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: a little confused. Yeah, I heard you say. I'm close 88 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,240 Speaker 1: to my brother. I'm the black sheep, He's the golden 89 00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 1: chop and mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. Yeah, 90 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: and now he I'm still trying to figure out what 91 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: happened when the sheep and the golden child got together. 92 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: What happened? Well, I thought we were close. I mean 93 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,320 Speaker 1: I think at one point we probably were. He had 94 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 1: my face tattute on his arm years ago when his 95 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 1: late teams. But there were still underlying like as you say, 96 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,359 Speaker 1: like you know, in high school and stuff, where like 97 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 1: I said, my brother he was the gold child to me, 98 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: goes always the one with the issues. I was the 99 00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: one that kind of wanted truth and they kind of 100 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. So 101 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,160 Speaker 1: I always ruffled their feathers um still to this day 102 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: with my father's same thing. So I I understand that 103 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: I'm very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned 104 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: that a lot of people do not like that about me. 105 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:55,839 Speaker 1: Um uh, my mom. He got to know me once 106 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,480 Speaker 1: my daughter was born because she wanted to have relationship 107 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,240 Speaker 1: with my daughter. A lot of times he or she 108 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: would just cut me off if I didn't like if 109 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: she didn't like what I said or didn't like that 110 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 1: I did something. So when my daughter came in the picture, 111 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,679 Speaker 1: it got to the point where we may had an issue, 112 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: but we were able to get through it. We were 113 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: able to speak our truth, but then moved past it. 114 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: She didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout 115 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 1: the years, I thought that I had this real issue 116 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 1: with my brother. But I'm starting to see when I 117 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 1: look at myself and look back, I never asked him 118 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 1: if anything. I just was being a big sister, always 119 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: helping and being there for him, covering him, protecting him. 120 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: But I guess somehow in the mix, I'm starting to 121 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 1: see that maybe this is how he really felt about 122 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: me all along. How does he feel about it? I 123 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: really don't know, because meek oh, I know you were 124 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: gonna do that to me. My experience with him it 125 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: has been that he's he doesn't like he's just like 126 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: my we were raised, you know, It's kind of like 127 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 1: we looked like the Coffee family, but behind closed doors, 128 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 1: you know to because you're the issue. You're the problem 129 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: anything if there's something between them, till I become the problem, 130 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 1: even if I'm not the problem. Okay, so let me 131 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: answer this. What made you the black sheet? Where did 132 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: you get that from? Because that's old? Uh, it's I'm 133 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: the black sheet because okay, I'm the black sheet because 134 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 1: I like to really speak truth. I want to get 135 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: to the core of an issue. Um, they like to 136 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: keep on the surface. M hm um. What else? I'm 137 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: the black sheet because oh, I'm the black sheet because 138 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 1: Tomka doesn't know anythings, so I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is 139 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: that it? Okay? They think they know me, but they 140 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: really don't really know me. And I've all can say 141 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: it's say got that before my mom died, for those 142 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: six five years almost she was able to know me, 143 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: she was able to know who I was, and the 144 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: relationship became different. Um, I really, I hope I don't 145 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,600 Speaker 1: sound like I'm the victim because I'm really not trying 146 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: to play a victim role. But no, you're not the victim. 147 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 1: You're the black sheet. You now, what makes him the 148 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:24,240 Speaker 1: golden child? Because because he's PJ, like that's his nickname, 149 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 1: but he's he. Whatever he says, it's golden. You know, 150 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: like Nika has been working in marketing, communications and TV 151 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: production for years, but he comes in and he has 152 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,240 Speaker 1: done something in marketing as well, which is still good. 153 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: But because it's him, Oh, it seals the deal. It 154 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,559 Speaker 1: has gold on it, it has it shimmers with gold. 155 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 1: Whatever he says, it just comes out to fruition Tanika. Um, 156 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: he kind of ruffles that feathers that makes us feel 157 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: quite uncomfortable. Is it possibly because he's the baby? Um, 158 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: it could be. I mean, it definitely could be. I 159 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 1: would say, like in high school and stuff, it was 160 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: the same way, Like, for example, got to the point 161 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 1: where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to go 162 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: to work, Um, I had to pay him for gas money. Um, 163 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 1: and he had a car and my car was down. 164 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,520 Speaker 1: I pay my parents for gasney. So it's kind of 165 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 1: like I can't. It's kind of like they would do 166 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 1: things for him, but they would not do it for 167 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give 168 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,000 Speaker 1: your brother gas money. You know. It's like it's kind 169 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: of like, well, I would have to do it for 170 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: my parents, it's kind of like him. It was different. 171 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: They didn't have them to shoot with him. For some reason. 172 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: They gave him. He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess. 173 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,400 Speaker 1: But for me, I I did not make them feel comfortable. 174 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,320 Speaker 1: I guess that's how I would. I would definitely look 175 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: at that. Yeah, m hm. And because he's the baby, 176 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,839 Speaker 1: and because that's because they saw themselves in him. So 177 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah, 178 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,079 Speaker 1: your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad 179 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 1: would say that your brothers like me, you're like your mother, 180 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: you're like your father. I'm the one that I don't 181 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,560 Speaker 1: really want. They see things in me that that I 182 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: guess remind them of the other spouse. And you know 183 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:15,079 Speaker 1: I was the one they didn't want. Wow, that's deep, 184 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 1: and that's in your heart. I'm the one they didn't want. 185 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,200 Speaker 1: They wanted him. They don't want me. Now he doesn't 186 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,440 Speaker 1: want me. Kind of Yeah. I thought that once my 187 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: mom died, it was like the spirit of what I 188 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,599 Speaker 1: saw from my mom years ago, of secting God to 189 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: to have another relationship with her. And once I was 190 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 1: able to get it, God run, It's then that feeling 191 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 1: of not being good enough. It's certain, well your mother 192 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 1: raised him, so all of those old ideas that she 193 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: may have had about you, about you being the black 194 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: sheet ruffling the feathers, everything is your fault. That's your 195 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,199 Speaker 1: job to fix it. Maybe she didn't get a chance 196 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 1: to correct that in his hard drive before she left 197 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: it and she saw it. Yeah, so that's where he's 198 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: operating from. I'm trying to go back there in the 199 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 1: past until the drive, but that's where you live. You 200 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,320 Speaker 1: everything you said, you talked to me about high school, 201 00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 1: you talk to me about being a teenager. You didn't 202 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 1: talk to me anything about present day. You are in 203 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: the past, and that's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing, 204 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: because you you bring in the past with you into 205 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: this current moment. Well, I feel like every time I 206 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: feel like I've learned something or grown or for gate 207 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: to another level, than life comes in and it takes 208 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 1: me back. Like I felt like I was able to 209 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: have a level of protection where I lived my life 210 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 1: before I had kids, before I got married, I lived 211 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: my life and I waited until thirties six years because 212 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: I wasn't really sure if I wanted kids I wasn't 213 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 1: really sure. I want to get married, and I feel 214 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 1: like I had a level of protection there, and then 215 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,560 Speaker 1: I didn't read it. Then I have kids, and then 216 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,000 Speaker 1: it's like, I'm so family oriented that, you know, I 217 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 1: want my family to be connected, and so, you know 218 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: where I didn't go to the house that my father 219 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: lives in today because I was raised in it and 220 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 1: to me, it didn't feel like a home and bring 221 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 1: back very bad memories. But I was willing to look 222 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 1: past that because I wanted my children to have relationship 223 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,840 Speaker 1: with my father. You know, Like, I don't know. I 224 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,680 Speaker 1: think I had a decent life. I think I was 225 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 1: psychologically emotionally abused, and I think they did what they 226 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 1: thought was the best at the time. But it seems 227 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:47,360 Speaker 1: like because of having these kids and happening a husband, 228 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,920 Speaker 1: it's it's opening up doors that I can no longer control, 229 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,160 Speaker 1: and it's made me so vulnerable and bringing back things 230 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 1: that I thought that I had handled, but now I 231 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: have to handle on a different level. And I don't 232 00:13:57,679 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 1: know what to do, and I just want people with 233 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: them myself because I know that I can't control no 234 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:08,400 Speaker 1: one else with me. Take a breath, we'll talk more. 235 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: About it when we come back. Welcome back. I am 236 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 1: y'm lt. This is the our spot. Do you cook? Yes? 237 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: Have you ever cut an onion? And when you cut 238 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,920 Speaker 1: an onion in half? What do you see? Uh? Sometimes 239 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 1: it's sometimes you have a white sometimes a very strong 240 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: smell that can make you cry mm hmm. But do 241 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 1: you see the layers? If you cut an onion and 242 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: has that skin on it, right, and you peel that 243 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: skin off, that's on the surface, now you've got this 244 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 1: little white ball. And if you feel that off, it's 245 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: over there and it's doing its thing. But you still 246 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: got a little white ball. So baby, you are just 247 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: peeling layers. And under every layer doesn't mean that the 248 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: piece that you peeled off isn't good and useful. It 249 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,120 Speaker 1: just means you've got some more layers to go through. 250 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: That's all that means. I'll be finished with the layers. Well, 251 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: I'm seventy. I'm seventy, and I still got the brown 252 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: skin on the outside of my onion nests years old. 253 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 1: Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive, I thought 254 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: I was forgiving, But I guess you know, we'll see. 255 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: You may have done the forgiveness work, but you haven't 256 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing the work 257 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 1: of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, had 258 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 1: you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there, 259 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: go to the core of the onion, because that's where 260 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not 261 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes 262 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough, 263 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: down into the stink of it, you experience, Oh, okay, 264 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 1: that's who they were, that's how they were, that's who 265 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: I was, That's how I was. This is who they are, 266 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: and that's how they are. This is who I am, 267 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the 268 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 1: experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother, 269 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: my older brother. He was sixteen, cross, addicted to drugs 270 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 1: and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky, 271 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,000 Speaker 1: his relationship with my father, his his image of himself. 272 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: And I was the baby, and I was the healthiest 273 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 1: one in the room most of the time. So, like you, 274 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: it was always my job to fix stuff. But I 275 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: was also stupid. I was also dumb, I also ruffled 276 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: feathers because I was clairvoyant and clear audience, and I 277 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided 278 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: gift of speaking it out loud stead of keeping my 279 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: durn mouth shut. So all through his life, I was 280 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,639 Speaker 1: always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him to 281 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,000 Speaker 1: live with me, blah blah blah blah blah. He would 282 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 1: call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, sometime 283 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, either one, 284 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,400 Speaker 1: and want to rehash our childhood. And I had done 285 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,200 Speaker 1: my work, so I didn't see my father the way 286 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: he did. I didn't see our upbringing the way he did. 287 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 1: So one year I said to him, if the only 288 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 1: thing you wanna do is call me and talk about 289 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,280 Speaker 1: Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all of these people, I 290 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,920 Speaker 1: don't call me, don't call me and ruin my Christmas, 291 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: my Thanksgiving, in my birthday, but these stories because I 292 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: don't see it like that. He said, you know, you 293 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: so stupid, get on my nerves and he hung up, 294 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:23,440 Speaker 1: and I didn't see my brother for five years. Five years. 295 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,560 Speaker 1: How did that make you feel? How did it make 296 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: me feel? Initially? I was angry that he couldn't see 297 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: it the way I saw it, and then I was 298 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: hurt that he didn't appreciate all that I had given 299 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: to him and done for him. And then I got 300 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,440 Speaker 1: clear that it wasn't about him, it was about me. 301 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: And then I did my work, and over the course 302 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,119 Speaker 1: of the five years, I got to the place where 303 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:58,440 Speaker 1: I said, my brother is an addict, my brother is 304 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 1: a wounded little boy, and I will I will never 305 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 1: understand the depth of his pay All I can do 306 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:10,439 Speaker 1: is have compassion for him. And then I got to 307 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 1: the point where I could say, I love my brother 308 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: just as he is. Nothing about him needs to change. 309 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:25,280 Speaker 1: Because I experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself. 310 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,440 Speaker 1: And then one day, it was his birthday, March thirty one, 311 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:35,119 Speaker 1: two thousand two. On his birthday, my mother raised us. 312 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 1: We never worked on our birthday. He went out on 313 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: his birthday and got high and had a heart attack 314 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness, 315 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: and I accepted my brother just as he was for 316 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:55,239 Speaker 1: who he was, and made the choices about how I 317 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask 318 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: me anything and I would give it to him, but 319 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: I wouldn't put money in his hands. Can you hear me? Yeah, 320 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: you got to accept your brother just as he is, 321 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 1: but who he is, and choose to participate or not. 322 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 1: Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you 323 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: and never got to heal that in his hard drive 324 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 1: before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas 325 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: and the only way those are going to change is 326 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,160 Speaker 1: if he chooses to change them, and if you are 327 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,359 Speaker 1: willing to make the effort to let him know who 328 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:44,760 Speaker 1: you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. Uh. 329 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,760 Speaker 1: Like I'm compelling in my head because I'm thinking, like 330 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 1: I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had 331 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,640 Speaker 1: this closeness. But now that go back, I look at 332 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,440 Speaker 1: it as I did a lot of things for him, 333 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 1: and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it. 334 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,160 Speaker 1: But I never asked or anything from him because I'm 335 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 1: not just never did no reason why. So I feel 336 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I 337 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,679 Speaker 1: thought it happened. Maybe I just never really had it. 338 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 1: I just cleared in my head. I yeah, that is 339 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,840 Speaker 1: quite common that we're having a relationship with somebody that's 340 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 1: different than the relationship they are having with us, and 341 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: you spoke it right out of your mouth. You did 342 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 1: a lot of things for him because it was your 343 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: fault and it was your job to fix it. That 344 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,919 Speaker 1: was the role you chose in the family. It was 345 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,399 Speaker 1: your fault. He's the golden child. I'm the black sheet, right, 346 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: and it's my job to fix it. He never asked 347 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 1: you for that stuff, but he asked you for some 348 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: gas money. Yeah, you're holding him responsible for what you 349 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: made up and what you did based on the chip 350 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 1: in your hard drive. I'm the black sheet, piece of 351 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:01,159 Speaker 1: golden child. It's my fault, my job to fix it, 352 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 1: based on your role in the family. Of course, he 353 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,360 Speaker 1: doesn't know who you are now because you haven't shown up. 354 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: It's who you are now you're showing up is who 355 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 1: he knew you to be as a teenager. And I 356 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,960 Speaker 1: kind of said things like that when I saw certain things, 357 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: but it was more so it was just a lie. 358 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 1: And then it then after that it's like, Okay, I 359 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: don't want to go in the argument of old you're lying. 360 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 1: I know you're lying. You know you know him not. No, 361 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,200 Speaker 1: I'm not like I don't do that, So I just like, Okay, 362 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 1: I leave alone because it's like I can't make someone 363 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,119 Speaker 1: be honest with me, they won't to be honest with me. 364 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,920 Speaker 1: Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on, 365 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,520 Speaker 1: even though you know the line though, but maybe it's 366 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 1: not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a 367 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:46,640 Speaker 1: lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what 368 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you 369 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,560 Speaker 1: say it. In the minute you make somebody wrong, they're 370 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: gonna go on the defensive. And once they become defensive, 371 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,720 Speaker 1: you know, you're like shocked because I'm like, you're on 372 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,919 Speaker 1: the defensive and nobody is even attacking you, but you 373 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 1: are in your speaking because you're functioning from the black 374 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,679 Speaker 1: sheep posture, and whatever your position is in the matter, 375 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,520 Speaker 1: it's going to determine how you see it. Okay, So 376 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,880 Speaker 1: what do we do now? We'll talk about that right 377 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's 378 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. It could very well be 379 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,919 Speaker 1: that you're having, you had a relationship with him that 380 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,640 Speaker 1: he's not having with you. Yeah, because I mean, it's 381 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: like the little things that they put their pictures up 382 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: family beaud in the wall, and I was like, hey, 383 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: my husbands like any of the pictures. And three years 384 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,280 Speaker 1: later then they bought a house, they added more pictures 385 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: and still no pictures, but they added more other people. 386 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,080 Speaker 1: But did you ask him? Did you forget the to 387 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 1: with Boo Boo in it? Whatever your husbands you forgot 388 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,639 Speaker 1: to picture with Boo in it? No? I didn't ask. 389 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,600 Speaker 1: But why is that important to you that your brother 390 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house 391 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,760 Speaker 1: with your husband in it? Why is that important? I 392 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 1: guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly, 393 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: it's like a it's a fake and phony thing, and 394 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,440 Speaker 1: I wanted to be not fake and phony judgment, judgment. 395 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,720 Speaker 1: It's not important to him, so why should he put 396 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 1: it on the wall in his house. It's not important 397 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 1: to him. It's important to you, it's not important to him. 398 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,200 Speaker 1: So in essence, my love, you're doing the very same 399 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 1: thing to him that he does to you. You make 400 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,639 Speaker 1: what's important to you his priority. Well, I'm trying to 401 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,000 Speaker 1: figure out where my place is and I and see 402 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: to meet me. Because it's so fake, it's so phony, 403 00:24:55,800 --> 00:25:01,360 Speaker 1: it's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you. 404 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,879 Speaker 1: From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my 405 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 1: brother would stick a needleful of heroine in his arm. 406 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 1: I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me 407 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 1: that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add 408 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was 409 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: a mathematical genius, and he would put a heroine his art. 410 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I 411 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,119 Speaker 1: didn't know what was in the core of his onion. 412 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:42,640 Speaker 1: I didn't know. No, I don't know what doc So 413 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,359 Speaker 1: I had to stop expecting his onion the smell like 414 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 1: my on what happened to other people, that's because you're 415 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,400 Speaker 1: taking on. Like I said, I made a simple request 416 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 1: of my brother, don't call here talking that. I don't 417 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: want to hear it more. He didn't want to hear 418 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,760 Speaker 1: that from me, so he hung up and separated himself 419 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:08,879 Speaker 1: for five years. So be it. You can't have it 420 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:14,120 Speaker 1: both ways. You can't stand in what you value and 421 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,679 Speaker 1: then expect other people to line up with it if 422 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: they don't value the same things. I just I just 423 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: thought that when you generally care for someone and you 424 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: want that relationship with that person. You all can sometimes 425 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,600 Speaker 1: agree to disagree. You have a talk so you all 426 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: can come to a common ground. But that may not 427 00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:36,720 Speaker 1: be what he wants, or it may not be the 428 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:41,320 Speaker 1: way he wants it. And it's okay. I want you 429 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 1: to you do. You have a pencil and a piece 430 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: of paper, write this down. I want you to write 431 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,720 Speaker 1: down two things. First thing, I'm a spell it for you, 432 00:26:53,800 --> 00:27:02,200 Speaker 1: okay as E now f that's the first word. Second word, 433 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:13,119 Speaker 1: are I gee age t e? Oh you else? What 434 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:24,320 Speaker 1: does that spell? Selfrighteous? Uh? Huh? Makes you blind? Ah? Yeah? 435 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,359 Speaker 1: Now you think that everybody sees it the way you 436 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 1: see it, baby, they don't. He's got a maulthfunction in 437 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,840 Speaker 1: his hard drive based on the way you'll were raised. 438 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,920 Speaker 1: You've grown up, done some work, stretched and but you're 439 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,719 Speaker 1: still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's 440 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,520 Speaker 1: gonna see it the way you see it. They don't. 441 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,440 Speaker 1: Your mother didn't, your father doesn't, he doesn't, your brother. 442 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: I don't mean to be selfrights. Well, just something for 443 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:54,080 Speaker 1: you to consider. Just that's not a bad thing. It's 444 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:58,240 Speaker 1: not a bad thing. It's based on our next word. Okay, 445 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:04,800 Speaker 1: write this down. What is my now, I'm a spell 446 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: this word? P oh s I t I oh? And 447 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:19,720 Speaker 1: what is my what? What is my position? Position? What 448 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 1: is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am I 449 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,560 Speaker 1: expecting somebody to see it the way I see it? 450 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,879 Speaker 1: Do I think my opinion is better than theirs? Are 451 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,639 Speaker 1: stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to 452 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: see when I see? Well, yeah, you've got to ask 453 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:39,160 Speaker 1: those things. I get it. Yeah, I guess I it 454 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,479 Speaker 1: being so righteous because I thought that the love was 455 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: the same moment. We were both in the same level 456 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,040 Speaker 1: of having that love and relationship that I thought that 457 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:52,360 Speaker 1: we had years ago, and that now that we're married 458 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 1: and we have kids that were close in age, and 459 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,920 Speaker 1: because we're in the same state and we grew up 460 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: with a big family being closed, I thought that he 461 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 1: would want the same things. Have you ever asked us no? 462 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,960 Speaker 1: Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hmmm. 463 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,960 Speaker 1: Because he seems like if I go below the surface, 464 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:18,840 Speaker 1: ruffle fea kind of tired of ruferences. Who appointed you 465 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 1: to be the surface digger? Nobody asked you to go 466 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,960 Speaker 1: belowd beneath the surface. It's just who I am. I 467 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: like to stay below the surface. But I'm trying to 468 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: I've learned, I guess in my early dirties that I 469 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 1: go quite deep sometimes and sometimes you're gonna want to 470 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 1: go deep, and so I'm I'm trying to learn to 471 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: stay on the surface to me, because some people just 472 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:45,280 Speaker 1: don't want that deepness. Yeah, but that self righteousness. I 473 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 1: go deep and they want to stay on the surface. 474 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,960 Speaker 1: How about it. I have a different consciousness than they do. 475 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:56,120 Speaker 1: What's my position? I'm looking straight up with my hands 476 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: outreached and they're looking out their left eye with one 477 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: hand in their pocket. Not right, not wrong, not good, 478 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,960 Speaker 1: not bad, just different. You call it deep and surface. 479 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 1: Yes I thought I was respecting them. No, you're calling 480 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: it surface. And it may just be their capacity based 481 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,960 Speaker 1: on what's in their hard drive. You call it surface 482 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: and deep. It may just be about capacity. Oh God, okay, 483 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,920 Speaker 1: oh God is right. Let me tell you something you 484 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,200 Speaker 1: want to talk about deep. I can sit in a 485 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: room with people and read them like a book, tell 486 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,280 Speaker 1: you what color draws they got on and who they're screwing, 487 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,280 Speaker 1: and what they did and when they lie in and 488 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,760 Speaker 1: telling you. You can't go around talking to people like 489 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 1: that because compassionately. I know they're at their capacity. This 490 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:50,760 Speaker 1: is what they can handle. Not right, not wrong. Everybody 491 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 1: isn't clear voyant. Everybody doesn't have the gift to that. 492 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:58,680 Speaker 1: So I'm not going to impose my perspective on everybody. 493 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:05,880 Speaker 1: I get to choose. Wow. I look at things with 494 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 1: my parents from the past. They did what they thought 495 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,280 Speaker 1: was best at that moment. You know, at that point 496 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,560 Speaker 1: into that way, I didn't, you know. I was trying 497 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: to find ways to not carry that on and look 498 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,840 Speaker 1: at them as being human too, because they had to. 499 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 1: They had their own separate journey. Respect their capacity and 500 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:30,120 Speaker 1: don't be righteous about where you are, and don't see 501 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,320 Speaker 1: them as less that, and don't see you as more 502 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 1: than don't see them as wrong or right. Write this down. 503 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 1: I s underlining that what is not what I want, 504 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 1: what it should be, what I think it should be, 505 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:50,040 Speaker 1: what they should be doing. No, no, no, this is 506 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:54,959 Speaker 1: what it is. It is this I'm having a relationship 507 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,800 Speaker 1: with my brother that he is not having with me. Okay, 508 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: let me see what kind of relationship he is happen 509 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 1: with me, and let me shift my position or what 510 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,640 Speaker 1: how I want to participate. This work is your work 511 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 1: to do belove it. I really want you to look 512 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I want you 513 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,520 Speaker 1: to look at how you think or how you may 514 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,280 Speaker 1: expect people to see everything the way you see it, 515 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: do it the way you do it, feel it the 516 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:28,800 Speaker 1: way you feel it. That's a form of self righteousness. 517 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,840 Speaker 1: Whenever you get in that place, look at, Okay, what 518 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:37,200 Speaker 1: is my position? What am I saying should be happening, 519 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,719 Speaker 1: What am I saying isn't happening. What am I thinking 520 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 1: they're doing? What is my position? Because your position is 521 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:47,479 Speaker 1: going to determine how you see the experience. And then 522 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,640 Speaker 1: I want you to learn to look at what is 523 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: going on and make a clear choice about how you 524 00:32:54,200 --> 00:33:00,720 Speaker 1: want to participate, if you want to participate. Because I 525 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:03,520 Speaker 1: hear everything that you're saying. But I got two things 526 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:07,040 Speaker 1: in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in the chip 527 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 1: in his hard drive as it relates to you, and 528 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:14,480 Speaker 1: that you function from the position of he's the golden child, 529 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:17,240 Speaker 1: you're the black sheep. It's your fault and it's your 530 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:23,200 Speaker 1: job to fix everything and finally be willing to let 531 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:26,840 Speaker 1: five years go. And you don't speak to your father, Well, 532 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: I'm afraid that I'm afraid that if I just let go, 533 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,080 Speaker 1: let it like let go meaning of of the outcome 534 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,640 Speaker 1: of it, what happened, and it hurts me to my court, 535 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,920 Speaker 1: Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it, 536 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:50,800 Speaker 1: and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself 537 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:54,840 Speaker 1: for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've 538 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,400 Speaker 1: given you. And I promise you if you if you 539 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: shift everything that's gonna shift and stop being the durn 540 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 1: black sheet. Go get your red dress or something. I'll 541 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,360 Speaker 1: do that. I'm gonna look at how I see myself. Um, 542 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,879 Speaker 1: I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable around them, 543 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,800 Speaker 1: my brother, my father, I do. I don't feel safe, 544 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 1: so I do put a burial on one. I guess 545 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 1: when I get around them, it's like I have to 546 00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,920 Speaker 1: put this kind of armor one to protect myself emotionally 547 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,920 Speaker 1: from them. Well, no, wonder they can't get in to 548 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:34,840 Speaker 1: learn who you are today? Well yeah, wow, do some work. 549 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,360 Speaker 1: Give me a call in a couple of weeks and 550 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Thank you. I will, okay, sweetie, 551 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:45,040 Speaker 1: all right, and go back to forgiveness. Go back to 552 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:53,680 Speaker 1: that book. Thank yo. There are two important things to 553 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:58,520 Speaker 1: understand when we're experiencing a breakdown or some level of 554 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: discord in and even relationship. The first thing is this, 555 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: your position in the matter will determine how you perceive 556 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 1: the matter, how you stand in the matter, how you 557 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:18,399 Speaker 1: address the matter. Your position determines your perspective. That's number one. 558 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 1: Here's number two. It's all about you, boo. It's all 559 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:28,359 Speaker 1: about you. It's always about you, no matter what is 560 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:32,200 Speaker 1: going on. The other person may never change. The other 561 00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:34,879 Speaker 1: person may never see it your way even though you're right. 562 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:40,600 Speaker 1: But if you don't shift your position about the need 563 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,960 Speaker 1: to be right, about seeing it your way about what 564 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,920 Speaker 1: they need to do. If you're not willing to shift 565 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,959 Speaker 1: your position, that doesn't have anything to do with them. 566 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:58,200 Speaker 1: It's all about you, and the discord will continue until 567 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:02,239 Speaker 1: you and or your piss. Yes. I hope this has 568 00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,880 Speaker 1: been helpful to someone, and if you have a question 569 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:09,399 Speaker 1: about this or any other relationship issue, you can call 570 00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:13,520 Speaker 1: me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven 571 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,120 Speaker 1: seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on 572 00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:20,120 Speaker 1: social media for all of the calling times and until then, 573 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:29,560 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The r Spot is 574 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:34,120 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. 575 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:38,720 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart 576 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,839 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 577 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 1: favorite shows.