1
00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:16,800
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly

2
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:21,640
Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

3
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,800
Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

4
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:28,960
Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,

5
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:34,360
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

6
00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:37,880
Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

7
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,640
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

8
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,519
Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

9
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,760
Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with

10
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:57,600
Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, it's a party. It's

11
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,600
Speaker 1: a party. It's a party. Thank y'all so much for

12
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,520
Speaker 1: joining me for session one hundred of the Therapy for

13
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:09,240
Speaker 1: Black Girls podcasts. I cannot believe we're here, y'all. One

14
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,440
Speaker 1: hundred times I've come into the booth also known as

15
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,679
Speaker 1: my closet, to record this podcast that has become such

16
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,040
Speaker 1: an amazing part of my life and work. I'm so

17
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,560
Speaker 1: thankful for each of you who listen and share the

18
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,000
Speaker 1: podcast in your circles. It truly would not be what

19
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,200
Speaker 1: it is without y'all. So from the bottom of my heart,

20
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,560
Speaker 1: I am forever grateful to you. I'm also incredibly thankful

21
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:36,360
Speaker 1: to my amazing producer A k A, my husband, who

22
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,440
Speaker 1: has supported this idea from day one and helps me

23
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,399
Speaker 1: out with editing the show every week no matter how

24
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,360
Speaker 1: much I get on his nerves. I definitely couldn't have

25
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,880
Speaker 1: done this without him. So I thought that episode one

26
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,160
Speaker 1: hundred was a perfect time for me to share some

27
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,360
Speaker 1: of the lessons I've learned from podcasting that I think

28
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,440
Speaker 1: many of you will find helpful as well. So here

29
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:02,720
Speaker 1: we go. Lesson number one, It really is important to

30
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,960
Speaker 1: feel the fear and do it anyway. If I hadn't

31
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,800
Speaker 1: started the podcast almost two years ago, I likely would

32
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,120
Speaker 1: not have had some of the amazing opportunities that I've had.

33
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,280
Speaker 1: I've had the chance to meet and talk with students

34
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,920
Speaker 1: at campuses across the country. I've made in strengthened relationships

35
00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:25,560
Speaker 1: with colleagues who are doing great work in our community.

36
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,919
Speaker 1: I had the chance to appear as a co host

37
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,520
Speaker 1: on MTVS Team Mom, and I've been featured in some

38
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:35,560
Speaker 1: pretty cool publications, all because I didn't let my fear

39
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,400
Speaker 1: about how my voice sounds and how it would be

40
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,040
Speaker 1: perceived by others get bigger than my need and want

41
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,040
Speaker 1: to share important information with y'all. There are probably some

42
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,560
Speaker 1: of you listening right now that have amazing ideas for

43
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:54,800
Speaker 1: blogs and podcasts or documentaries and stories, and you're feeling

44
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,359
Speaker 1: too afraid to put it out there. And I get it, y'all.

45
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,440
Speaker 1: The anxiety is something serious. But I also want you

46
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,160
Speaker 1: to consider how are you going to feel two years

47
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,200
Speaker 1: from now when you're still sitting on that idea and

48
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,760
Speaker 1: haven't done anything with it. Will you be full of regrets?

49
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,320
Speaker 1: Will you be beating yourself up with shoulda, would a kultus?

50
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,000
Speaker 1: Or will you be able to say, I did that

51
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,760
Speaker 1: and it turned out incredible, or I did that and

52
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,200
Speaker 1: it didn't quite work out, but here's what I learned

53
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:30,440
Speaker 1: from it. Either way, you would have tried, and I

54
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,640
Speaker 1: think dealing with things that didn't work out it's far

55
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,160
Speaker 1: easier than dealing with regrets that you never even tried.

56
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,760
Speaker 1: And I know you wanted to be perfect. You feel

57
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,320
Speaker 1: like you have to get the perfect camera, you need

58
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,240
Speaker 1: a great outline, you need buy in from all of

59
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,400
Speaker 1: these people before you start. But I will share with

60
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,200
Speaker 1: you something that someone told me as I was writing

61
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:57,800
Speaker 1: my dissertation. Done is better than perfect. Start where you

62
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,720
Speaker 1: are and keep going and rowing. If you go back

63
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,880
Speaker 1: and listen to episode one of this podcast, it sounds

64
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,640
Speaker 1: drastically different from today's episode. But I could not have

65
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,920
Speaker 1: gotten to episode one hundred if I never released episode one,

66
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,599
Speaker 1: and you won't either. So go and do the thing

67
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,799
Speaker 1: that you are so persistently avoiding. And this leads itself

68
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,120
Speaker 1: perfectly to the second lesson that I have learned from podcasting,

69
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,719
Speaker 1: which is that somebody needs to hear what you have

70
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,560
Speaker 1: to say. I can't tell you how many emails and

71
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,560
Speaker 1: messages I've gotten from y'all that share how one of

72
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,400
Speaker 1: these episodes felt like exactly what you needed to hear

73
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,599
Speaker 1: at the time, or that you made big changes in

74
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,840
Speaker 1: your life based on something that you heard in one

75
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,520
Speaker 1: of these episodes. I want you to know that I

76
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,840
Speaker 1: don't take these messages for granted. So when I start

77
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,479
Speaker 1: to feel anxious about what I have to say or

78
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:55,039
Speaker 1: how it will be received, I remember y'all and the

79
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,480
Speaker 1: impact that this information is having on your lives, and

80
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,200
Speaker 1: I continue to show up. Years ago, I worked with

81
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,080
Speaker 1: an incredible business coach, Maya Elias, and I will never

82
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,640
Speaker 1: forget what she said in one of her classes. She said,

83
00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:14,160
Speaker 1: your message comes through you but it is not for you,

84
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,400
Speaker 1: which to me means that I need to get out

85
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,960
Speaker 1: of my own way and get out of my head

86
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,159
Speaker 1: and let whatever message needs to be shared get to

87
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,440
Speaker 1: whoever needs to hear it. And I hope that you'll

88
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,719
Speaker 1: consider that too. When you take yourself out of the

89
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,880
Speaker 1: center of whatever it is and make it about who

90
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,560
Speaker 1: needs to hear your message, then your anxiety may decrease.

91
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,880
Speaker 1: You may become less afraid and nervous to share, because

92
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,320
Speaker 1: you can trust that if you just keep showing up,

93
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,719
Speaker 1: the people that need to hear what you have to

94
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:52,960
Speaker 1: say will hear you less than number three you deserve

95
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,080
Speaker 1: to take up space. For a while, I resisted the

96
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,640
Speaker 1: idea of being seen as an expert or go to

97
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,240
Speaker 1: per and related to black women's mental health. I wondered

98
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,000
Speaker 1: if I knew enough, or whether there was someone else

99
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,800
Speaker 1: more qualified than me. And what I've learned is that

100
00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:13,000
Speaker 1: none of that matters. Of course, there are people who

101
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,000
Speaker 1: know more than me and can talk more eloquently about

102
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,080
Speaker 1: certain topics, But what no one else has is my

103
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:26,120
Speaker 1: history and the particular set of circumstances, training, and experiences

104
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,280
Speaker 1: that I have had thus far in my life. And

105
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,679
Speaker 1: that's what really matters that I show up and share

106
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,560
Speaker 1: my truth as I know it. So while I may

107
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,880
Speaker 1: not know everything, I do know a lot, and I'm

108
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,440
Speaker 1: committed to always learning more. And I hope that you'll

109
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,480
Speaker 1: embrace this as well. Feel comfortable speaking from wherever you

110
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,479
Speaker 1: find yourself. Now. I know that there's lots more to learn,

111
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,239
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean that what you have to share

112
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:57,320
Speaker 1: right now is any less valuable less than number four.

113
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:02,359
Speaker 1: Your critics might be loud, but your supporters are even louder.

114
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,039
Speaker 1: So I've already shared how touched I am to get

115
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,560
Speaker 1: such sweet emails from y'all about how this work has

116
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,600
Speaker 1: impacted you. But I also have to share that sometimes

117
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,680
Speaker 1: I get some not so sweet messages. And I'm not

118
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,920
Speaker 1: talking about the messages where people will respectfully disagree with

119
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,160
Speaker 1: something I've said, or they have feedback about a particular

120
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,920
Speaker 1: topic that's really helpful. I'm not talking about those. I'm

121
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,400
Speaker 1: talking about the messages that are just mean for no reason. Now,

122
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,360
Speaker 1: i'd be lying to you if I said that these

123
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,880
Speaker 1: don't throw me because they always seem to come out

124
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,800
Speaker 1: of nowhere. But after I work it out with my

125
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,640
Speaker 1: girls in the group chat, I'm able to come back

126
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,760
Speaker 1: to the fact that for every one of these messages,

127
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:48,280
Speaker 1: there are twenty other messages that are affirming and beautiful.

128
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,080
Speaker 1: And that's what I have to stay focused on. Even

129
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,200
Speaker 1: though it's very easy to get pulled into questioning everything.

130
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,880
Speaker 1: After you get a not so kind message, you have

131
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,880
Speaker 1: to shake it off and focus on the people that matter.

132
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,240
Speaker 1: I know many of you have heard me say this before,

133
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,360
Speaker 1: but when these kinds of things happen, this is when

134
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,920
Speaker 1: I go to my girl you did that volder. This

135
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,480
Speaker 1: is where I keep all of the kind messages and

136
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:17,000
Speaker 1: other stuff that reminds me of why this work is important,

137
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,720
Speaker 1: and that even if I get some hate mail every

138
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,200
Speaker 1: now and then, I have to keep going. So I

139
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,640
Speaker 1: want you to know that when you start to share

140
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,960
Speaker 1: your message and your ideas in a larger way, there

141
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,120
Speaker 1: will be some people who don't like it and they

142
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,360
Speaker 1: don't want to hear what you have to say. But

143
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,640
Speaker 1: don't let that stop you from showing up for the

144
00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:40,640
Speaker 1: people that do. They are your why and then less

145
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:45,600
Speaker 1: At number five, stay curious and open to the process.

146
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,520
Speaker 1: When I started the podcast, I wasn't at all sure

147
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,440
Speaker 1: of what I was creating. I just knew that I

148
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,800
Speaker 1: love listening to podcasts and thought it would be a

149
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,280
Speaker 1: cool way to share mental health information with y'all. I

150
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,360
Speaker 1: didn't expect for it to take off and of ways

151
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,840
Speaker 1: that it has, or for it to open as many

152
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,760
Speaker 1: doors as it has. But because I didn't really know

153
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,400
Speaker 1: what I was doing, it has allowed me to just

154
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,120
Speaker 1: remain curious about how it all unfolds and to celebrate

155
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:16,160
Speaker 1: the process. I think sometimes we get so incredibly attached

156
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,880
Speaker 1: to the outcome of a project or endeavor that we

157
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,880
Speaker 1: start poking and prodding and shaping and molding until the

158
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:27,400
Speaker 1: thing becomes unrecognizable. So if there's something that you're starting

159
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,520
Speaker 1: and preparing to offer to the world, try to stay

160
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:34,240
Speaker 1: open to how it will evolve, because your ideas for

161
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:38,359
Speaker 1: it may be way more limiting than the actual potential

162
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,839
Speaker 1: of whatever it is. So stay cognizant and provide guidance,

163
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,360
Speaker 1: but don't forget to give its space to breathe. So

164
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,120
Speaker 1: these are the five lessons that I've learned from podcast

165
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,440
Speaker 1: thing that I hope can either help you right now

166
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,319
Speaker 1: if you're embarking on something new, or in the future

167
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:58,160
Speaker 1: when you release more of your greatness into the world.

168
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,640
Speaker 1: I know we haven't had any listener questions in a minute,

169
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,120
Speaker 1: but we will be bringing back our on the Porch

170
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,880
Speaker 1: segment of the podcast, So if you would like my

171
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,920
Speaker 1: feedback about something going on in your life, or you

172
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,240
Speaker 1: have a follow up question related to something you hear

173
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,000
Speaker 1: on the podcast, please be sure to send those to

174
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,680
Speaker 1: me by email at podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls

175
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,480
Speaker 1: dot com and it just might be answered on air.

176
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,280
Speaker 1: So we do have two questions that we will dig

177
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,480
Speaker 1: into you today. Question No. One, how do you truly

178
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,640
Speaker 1: stop caring what others think about you? And I know

179
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,440
Speaker 1: that this is something that probably lots of people struggle with,

180
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,960
Speaker 1: so I'm really glad that one of our listeners submitted this.

181
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,760
Speaker 1: So I'm not really sure that we need to completely

182
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,040
Speaker 1: stop caring about what other people think, because it definitely

183
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,320
Speaker 1: can be helpful to have feedback about how we come

184
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,800
Speaker 1: across in certain situations and an awareness of how we

185
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,720
Speaker 1: are perceived. I think the issue comes when we care

186
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,680
Speaker 1: so much about what other think that we allow their

187
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,160
Speaker 1: thoughts to be louder than our own, or when we

188
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,800
Speaker 1: allow fear about what other people think to dictate how

189
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,680
Speaker 1: we feel and behave. The danger with this is that

190
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,840
Speaker 1: there will never be a finishing line. So you do

191
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,800
Speaker 1: one thing because you think it will please your mom,

192
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,880
Speaker 1: and then you do something else because you think that's

193
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,480
Speaker 1: what your partner wants, and then it just becomes a

194
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,600
Speaker 1: never ending cycle of trying to become what everybody else

195
00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,640
Speaker 1: wants and completely losing sight of what you want for yourself.

196
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,240
Speaker 1: So I would encourage you to start taking small steps

197
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,640
Speaker 1: in the direction of what truly feels like a fit

198
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:40,240
Speaker 1: for you and then see what happens. Does other people's

199
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,600
Speaker 1: feedback about what you did feel so overwhelming that you

200
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,400
Speaker 1: regret your decision or is it just a little annoying

201
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,800
Speaker 1: for you to hear? Sometimes I think we work ourselves

202
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,840
Speaker 1: up worrying about how things will turn out, and then

203
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,680
Speaker 1: the reality of the situation is far less dramatic. So

204
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,839
Speaker 1: I'd say try something out, see what happens, and then

205
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,280
Speaker 1: see how you feel about it. It may be that

206
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,480
Speaker 1: you're always a little uncomfortable with other people's thoughts about you,

207
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,360
Speaker 1: but you also might be able to get to a

208
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240
Speaker 1: place where it doesn't feel overbearing for you and you

209
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,080
Speaker 1: can still feel like you're being true to yourself. So

210
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,120
Speaker 1: I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes,

211
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,760
Speaker 1: and then question Number two. My best friend has bipolar disorder.

212
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,800
Speaker 1: She also has depression. The problem is over a year ago,

213
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,320
Speaker 1: she borrowed three hundred and forty dollars for me so

214
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,360
Speaker 1: that we could see Beyonce on the run to She

215
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,240
Speaker 1: promised to make regular payments, but that didn't happen while

216
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,120
Speaker 1: she already owed me that money, I also booked a

217
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,520
Speaker 1: vacation for a group of friends and her portion was

218
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,480
Speaker 1: another four hundred dollars. In the years since she's owed

219
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:51,679
Speaker 1: me money, her payments have been highly irregular and small amounts.

220
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,160
Speaker 1: Whenever I talked to her about it, she mentions her

221
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,640
Speaker 1: anxiety and depression, but promises to do better. We live

222
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,080
Speaker 1: in differnt states, so text message is our primary form

223
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,800
Speaker 1: of communication. Lots of times when I text her, she

224
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:11,360
Speaker 1: doesn't respond. She very frequently posts on Instagram and other

225
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,440
Speaker 1: social media, so the fact that I know she's on

226
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,960
Speaker 1: her phone using Instagram but not responding to my text

227
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,040
Speaker 1: makes me feel like she's ignoring me. I've been very patient,

228
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,440
Speaker 1: but I honestly feel like she is using her mental

229
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,840
Speaker 1: health as an excuse. She has the mental capacity to

230
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,800
Speaker 1: go out to parties, events, happy hours, etcetera, but not

231
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,040
Speaker 1: enough to text back her best friend that she owes

232
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,520
Speaker 1: hundreds of dollars to. It also seems like she thinks

233
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:42,200
Speaker 1: I'm made of money. I am not. Long story short,

234
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,520
Speaker 1: my question is how can I approach her firmly without

235
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:49,000
Speaker 1: putting her mental health in jeopardy? Also, do you think

236
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,000
Speaker 1: it's possible that she's using her depression as an excuse

237
00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:55,080
Speaker 1: My feelings are hurt and I need my money back.

238
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,959
Speaker 1: So it is obvious that you have lots of very

239
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,040
Speaker 1: strong feelings about this, and rightfully so. Listener um, So, first,

240
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,280
Speaker 1: I would strongly encourage you to consider not loaning any

241
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,920
Speaker 1: more money to this person, as it seems like they

242
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:13,400
Speaker 1: have some difficulty holding up to their end of the bargain. Secondly,

243
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,200
Speaker 1: I'm not quite making the connection between how her mental

244
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:21,240
Speaker 1: health concerns are connected to her ability to pay you back.

245
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,000
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if her health has resulted in her

246
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,400
Speaker 1: not being able to work as much and maybe she

247
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,280
Speaker 1: doesn't have the money to pay you back or what.

248
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,320
Speaker 1: But I don't think you should spend so much energy

249
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,880
Speaker 1: worrying about the why, but instead focus on what you

250
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,520
Speaker 1: do know, which is that she has not paid you back,

251
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,080
Speaker 1: so it's impossible for us to know whether she's using

252
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,840
Speaker 1: her mental health as a cover, but the fact remains

253
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,400
Speaker 1: that she has promised on several occasions to pay you

254
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,640
Speaker 1: back and has not. I'd encourage you to maybe have

255
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 1: one final conversation with her about how hurtful this has

256
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,480
Speaker 1: been to you and how you see it impacting your friendship,

257
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,440
Speaker 1: and to ask her very plainly, if she has the

258
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,800
Speaker 1: capacity to stick with a regular payment plan that would

259
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,880
Speaker 1: allow you to recoup your money. I think that her

260
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,600
Speaker 1: answers to that question and then her follow up or

261
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,200
Speaker 1: lack thereo in terms of paying you will give you

262
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,800
Speaker 1: great information about whether this is a friendship you can

263
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,640
Speaker 1: continue with even if you never get your money back,

264
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,520
Speaker 1: or whether this feels like a deal breaker for you.

265
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,720
Speaker 1: Good luck with this conversation, and again, let me know

266
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,400
Speaker 1: how this goes. So if you have any questions you

267
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,120
Speaker 1: like my feedback about, be sure to send them to

268
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,480
Speaker 1: me at podcast at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

269
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,960
Speaker 1: Don't forget that if you're looking for a therapist in

270
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,040
Speaker 1: your area, be sure to check out our directory at

271
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:44,400
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory, and remember

272
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,120
Speaker 1: to visit our online store where you can grab a

273
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:51,120
Speaker 1: T shirt, sweatshirt, a copy of our breakup Journal or

274
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:55,280
Speaker 1: are guided Affirmation. You can shop at Therapy for Black

275
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,840
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash shop, and if you love what

276
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,240
Speaker 1: you hear on the podcasts and really want to put

277
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,320
Speaker 1: into practice some of the things we discussed here, join

278
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,400
Speaker 1: us over in the Yellow Couch Collective at Therapy for

279
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,600
Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com slash y c C. Thank y'all

280
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,960
Speaker 1: so much for joining me again this week and for

281
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,440
Speaker 1: rocking with me for one hundred episodes. I look forward

282
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,360
Speaker 1: to continue in this conversation with you all real soon.

283
00:16:21,040 --> 00:17:15,199
Speaker 1: Take good care, um um,