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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know

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Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's

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Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die

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Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a

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Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was

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Speaker 1: no Internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel

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Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.

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Speaker 2: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second, and

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Speaker 2: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope

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Speaker 2: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,

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Speaker 2: and the world around you.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to You Need Therapy, Hi guys, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: a new episode and the first episode of twenty twenty

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Speaker 1: four of UNI Therapy podcast. My name is Kat. I

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Speaker 1: am the host and last year, if you remember, we

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Speaker 1: started off the podcast with the Bagel Story, which we

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Speaker 1: actually put that out last week as part of the

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Speaker 1: best of from this past year. And if you haven't

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Speaker 1: listened to it, feel free to give it a listen.

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Speaker 1: It is a very interesting story a very low time

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Speaker 1: for me when I cried after getting a bagel with

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Speaker 1: cream cheese on it instead of a bagel with butter,

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Speaker 1: and it just was a story about that happening and

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Speaker 1: what I learned and where I was to go from

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Speaker 1: there after having hitting that low And this year, I

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Speaker 1: have not yet cried over a bagel. I did get

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Speaker 1: a very good bagel. Last week. I went to New

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Speaker 1: York with my fiancee Patrick for that's what we wanted

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Speaker 1: to do for Christmas, and I actually only had one

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Speaker 1: bagel while I was there because we only were there

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Speaker 1: for to mornings where we had breakfast in the city,

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Speaker 1: And dang, it makes me want to go back again

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Speaker 1: because I feel like I need to have at least

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Speaker 1: like three bagels every time I go to New York.

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Speaker 1: I will say. We went to a breakfast restaurant more

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Speaker 1: of a diner called Bubbies that I got a lot

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Speaker 1: of rex for and heard a lot of really good

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Speaker 1: things on social media about it, and it was so good.

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Speaker 1: I am not a pancake person, but I felt like

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Speaker 1: I had to order them because it was one of

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Speaker 1: their like, really really popular items and it was the

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Speaker 1: best pancake I've ever had in my life. So if

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Speaker 1: you're in New York, definitely hit up Tompkins Street Bagels

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Speaker 1: also Bubbies. Anyway, back to today's episode, this time of year,

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Speaker 1: it's New Year's So this time of year, a common

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Speaker 1: question we all get, not just like me, but like

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Speaker 1: us in general, is in are things like what are

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Speaker 1: your New Year's goals? What are your resolutions? And honestly,

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Speaker 1: there's not a shortage of content about those things, about

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Speaker 1: those questions about how to set yourself up well. And

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Speaker 1: I actually did an episode on how to set yourself

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Speaker 1: up well with this type of thing and years past,

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Speaker 1: and I can link that in the show notes. I

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Speaker 1: think those episodes are really important, and I think they

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Speaker 1: are helpful and necessary in ways, and I think those

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Speaker 1: conversations can be really fruitful. But I've also been doing

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Speaker 1: a lot of internal processing over the past couple of weeks,

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Speaker 1: months after listening to a podcast episode where the episode

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Speaker 1: wasn't even about this at all. It was just like

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Speaker 1: this snippet almost like I wonder if the people that

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Speaker 1: put that episode out even where like that's like a

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Speaker 1: throwaway part of the episode. It wasn't an important like

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Speaker 1: meaty part of the conversation, but it just stuck out

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Speaker 1: to me. So I've been doing a lot of processing

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Speaker 1: after listening to five minutes of podcast, and it has

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Speaker 1: led me to this idea that I haven't thought of

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Speaker 1: a really good name for it. So for the sake

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Speaker 1: of this episode and for sake of today and this conversation,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna call it an un goal And it honestly

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Speaker 1: it comes back around and speaks from the bagel experience.

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Speaker 1: So this is kind of like a full circle moment

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Speaker 1: because the Bagel episode was my first episode of twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty three. So if you've listened to the episode, and

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Speaker 1: I mean, you can probably just take this from hearing

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Speaker 1: the beginning of this, the bagel saga was really a

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Speaker 1: signal and a sign of a larger, more prominent issue

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Speaker 1: in my life. The bagel was like the part of

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Speaker 1: the iceberg that we see, and then underneath the water

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Speaker 1: there's like a much bigger thing there that we don't see,

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Speaker 1: but it's there and it's kind of holding the part

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Speaker 1: that we see up. And we saw the tears. I

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Speaker 1: saw the tears, Patrick saw the tears of the bagel,

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Speaker 1: but I also discovered there were some internalized, unconscious beliefs

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Speaker 1: and some expectations that actually were what brought those tears out.

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Speaker 1: And it may feel silly because we're talking about crying

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Speaker 1: over bagel, but we actually don't usually cry over things

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Speaker 1: like the wrong food order or you know the famous

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Speaker 1: quote spilled milk, because those things just make us cry.

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Speaker 1: Like in their own essence, those are things that make

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Speaker 1: us cry. There's always more to the story. There's always

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Speaker 1: like a bigger part of the iceberg underneath the surface.

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Speaker 1: So this past year, I've been constantly asking myself what

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Speaker 1: is the more to the story for some of the

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Speaker 1: things that have really gotten me heightened and heated and emotional.

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Speaker 1: Not saying that the emotion is bad, but I really

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Speaker 1: want to understand where a lot of my emotions have

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Speaker 1: been coming from. And that's where this ungoal idea comes in.

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Speaker 1: And you know, humans are super smart. We just baseline

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Speaker 1: are resilient, and as we move through life, we're constantly

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Speaker 1: constantly scanning and processing ways to stay safe and to

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Speaker 1: essentially stay alive. And this is actually something that is

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Speaker 1: done on a very unconscious level. We don't know we're

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Speaker 1: doing this most of the time. And if you are

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Speaker 1: doing if you're consciously doing it, it might not be

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Speaker 1: exactly what I'm talking about today, but we do have

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Speaker 1: a process inside of our bodies, and this speaks to

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Speaker 1: Polyvagel theory. In that theory, the scanning this process is

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Speaker 1: called neuveception, and that is when our neural circuits read

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Speaker 1: cues of danger in our environment, which means we are

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Speaker 1: constantly involuntarily scanning situations and people to determine if they

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Speaker 1: are safe or dangerous. Now, I'm going to give you

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Speaker 1: a very high level description of some of this stuff.

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Speaker 1: We can maybe do a series on polyvagel because it

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Speaker 1: is really complex and there's a lot of moving parts

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Speaker 1: to it, but it's all part of the autonomic nervous system.

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Speaker 1: So that means this process is happening, like I said before,

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Speaker 1: unconsciously without us being aware of it, which is similar

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Speaker 1: to how we're able to breathe without having to say

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Speaker 1: like hey, lungs, take breath in exhale. We don't have

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Speaker 1: to have that conversation with ourselves, we just do it.

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Speaker 1: The same is with the scanning. We're able to scan

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Speaker 1: our environment for cues without actually having to tell ourselves

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Speaker 1: to do so. Now, in polyvagal theory. It comes from

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Speaker 1: this nerve called the vegus nerve, which is very important

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Speaker 1: with NEU reception. It's a very important part of the

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Speaker 1: reception and the process of this. Both sides of our

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Speaker 1: vagus nerve can be stimulated. So there's a ventral side

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Speaker 1: and there's a dorsal side, which is really just like

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Speaker 1: a front and a back, and they've found both of

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Speaker 1: those sides respond in different ways as we scan and

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Speaker 1: process information. So the ventral side of the vagus nerve

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Speaker 1: responds to ques of safety in our environment and interactions.

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Speaker 1: It supports feelings of physical safety, safe emotional connection to

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Speaker 1: others in our social environment. Now, the dorsal side of

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Speaker 1: the vagus nerve responds to cues of danger. It pulls

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Speaker 1: us away from connection, out of awareness, and into a

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Speaker 1: state of self protection. So in moments when we might

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Speaker 1: experience a queue of extreme danger, we can end up

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Speaker 1: shutting down and feel frozen, which is an indication that

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Speaker 1: our doors vagel nerve has kind of taken over. That's

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Speaker 1: that self protection. So I'm going to back up, Like

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Speaker 1: I said, this is very high level. There's so much

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Speaker 1: more to this, and I feel like I'm like almost

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Speaker 1: teasing you with some of this stuff. So maybe we

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Speaker 1: will do a full episode or maybe a series on it.

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Speaker 1: But I want to back up to where I was saying,

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Speaker 1: we're constantly taking an information and assessing how to best

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Speaker 1: survive in this world. I think when we talk about

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Speaker 1: this at a high level, a lot of us think

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Speaker 1: obvious things like, oh, we're making sure that there's not

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Speaker 1: a fire, that someone isn't running after us with a

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Speaker 1: knife or trying to physically fight us, or that a

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Speaker 1: bear isn't breaking into our home. Like that's where we're

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Speaker 1: trying to scan for safety. But our safety is not

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Speaker 1: just found in this very literal physical safety sense. It's

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Speaker 1: also about surviving our environments in general, which would include love, belonging, connection,

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Speaker 1: emotional safety. So we're scanning for ways that those may

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Speaker 1: be threatened as well. So if we think of it,

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Speaker 1: we really are technically constantly scanning our environment and taking

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Speaker 1: in information or in order to strategize how best to

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Speaker 1: find love, belonging, and connection. We're taking in queues, experiences, feedback,

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Speaker 1: and we are then making assumptions about what that means

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Speaker 1: and how all of those experiences may affect us. So

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Speaker 1: our subconscious is essentially always listening and watching and taking

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Speaker 1: notes of what's going on and creating a strategy. Then

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Speaker 1: we grow up and we say things like and maybe

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Speaker 1: it's in a therapy room. Maybe it's not what we

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Speaker 1: say things like gosh, I have no idea why it's

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Speaker 1: so hard for me to say no, or I don't

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Speaker 1: know why it's so hard for me to speak up

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Speaker 1: and share an opinion in a room full of men,

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Speaker 1: or how did I become such a perfectionist. It's because

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Speaker 1: we end up living by these rules we created, by

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Speaker 1: the narratives that we've developed through our subconscious security system,

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Speaker 1: and these rules end up being a type of self

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Speaker 1: protection and self preservation. Now, this can look different for

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Speaker 1: different people based on their own experiences, what generation they

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Speaker 1: grew up in, the gender we identify with versus the

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Speaker 1: gender we were assigned, our culture, our location like where

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Speaker 1: we even live in the world, and our socioeconomic status.

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Speaker 1: All those things are going to then create different narratives

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Speaker 1: and rules for that security system. So it again can

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Speaker 1: look different for different people. It can look like underfunctioning,

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Speaker 1: It can look like overfunctioning. It can look like procrastination, perfectionism,

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Speaker 1: people pleasing super rigid boundaries, maybe oversharing. I mean, the

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Speaker 1: list goes on and on and on and on. All

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Speaker 1: of these things are stemming from the rules that we

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Speaker 1: created from our messaging about what will keep you connected,

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Speaker 1: because connection is one of the things that we actually

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Speaker 1: need to survive this world, and our bodies actually know it.

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Speaker 1: So back to poly theory, So back to polyvagel theory.

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Speaker 1: They actually introduced this newer component to the autonomic nervous system.

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Speaker 1: There was just two parts of it. Now they introduced

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Speaker 1: this third part and it's becoming super prominent, at least

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Speaker 1: in the spaces that I work. In the general public

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Speaker 1: I think is learning about this more, especially because of

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Speaker 1: social media. A lot of people are talking about it

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Speaker 1: on there, so it's becoming more well known and talked

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Speaker 1: of and thought of. But it still is a newer

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Speaker 1: idea for a lot of people. And this thing is

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Speaker 1: called the social engagement system. This system explains why a

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Speaker 1: soothing voice or a tone can calm somebody down, or

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Speaker 1: why being ignored or dismissed can ensue rage or just

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Speaker 1: a complete mental collapse. And it explains why focused attuonement,

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Speaker 1: focus attonment. When I'm attuning to another person and their

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Speaker 1: emotions I'm there and I'm with them, can shift us

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Speaker 1: out of our disorganized or our very fearful states that

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Speaker 1: we're in while parenting. Do you think about a caregiver

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Speaker 1: who is able to look at the child that they're

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Speaker 1: with their eyes and my eye contact and breathing with

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Speaker 1: them and just like speaking with them and the kid

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Speaker 1: knows that they're there. That's attunement. And when maybe the

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Speaker 1: child is crying, there's some soothing and maybe some rocking

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Speaker 1: like that, all is attunement. We can do that as

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Speaker 1: adults as well. But what this does is it puts

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Speaker 1: relationships front and center of our understanding of trauma and safety,

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Speaker 1: and it actually suggests a new approach to treating trauma.

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Speaker 1: And this new approach is all focused on strengthening the

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Speaker 1: body system for regulating arousal. Now we read other people's

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Speaker 1: reactions and this is something that you can actually like.

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Speaker 1: This is not all subconscious. You probably have a memory

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Speaker 1: of noticing when a slight change has warranted a safe

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Speaker 1: versus unsafe, a calm versus excited. A slight change in

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Speaker 1: somebody else that we're with can then signal something to us.

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Speaker 1: And this theory essentially says a tunement and social support,

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Speaker 1: being with people. Social engagement it is one of the

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Speaker 1: if not the most important, powerful healing agents that we have,

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Speaker 1: and social engagement helps pull us out of free states

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Speaker 1: and helps us feel okay during a fight or flight state.

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Speaker 1: This is why if any of you guys have experienced

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Speaker 1: trauma reactions in a therapy room, or even just experienced

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Speaker 1: a emotional reaction in a therapy room, I mean, this

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be in therapy either. This can be

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Speaker 1: with your friends or family members or safe people. It's

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Speaker 1: why a therapist's calming voice is so helpful during things

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Speaker 1: like flashbacks and stuff like that, because you're getting that

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Speaker 1: attunement that can actually calm that part of your nervous

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Speaker 1: system down that's saying danger, this part is saying, hey,

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Speaker 1: this actually feels really safe and soothing. So, like I said,

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Speaker 1: there's way more to this. It definitely does deserve its

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Speaker 1: own episode. Sorry for teasing you. That's we're not doing

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Speaker 1: this episode on polyvagel theory. But I think it's important

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Speaker 1: right now for us to put a little pause right

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Speaker 1: there and explain why we even got here. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I started talking about New Year's resolutions, and I started

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Speaker 1: talking about the bagel, and then I started talking about

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Speaker 1: un goals, and then I start talking about polyvagel theory.

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Speaker 1: So how does this all connect? Well, we are here

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Speaker 1: because this is where my own goal actually comes in,

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Speaker 1: because instead of adding something new, I am wondering this

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Speaker 1: year if it would be more helpful for some of

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Speaker 1: us to shed something old. I know, personally, I've done

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Speaker 1: the read this many books, or drink this much water,

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Speaker 1: say yes more or say no more, or go outside

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Speaker 1: more often, or be kinder to I mean, I've done

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Speaker 1: all of these different kinds of things, and I don't

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Speaker 1: think there's anything wrong with them. All of them have

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Speaker 1: been helpful. They've been fun, they've been exciting, they add

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Speaker 1: some excitement to the new year. I think they're wonderful.

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Speaker 1: But I think it was a soul cycle instructor that

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Speaker 1: I first heard say it isn't hard to be who

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Speaker 1: you are. It's hard to stop trying to be who

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Speaker 1: you think others want you to be. And I believe

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Speaker 1: this to my core, to my core, to my core

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Speaker 1: to my core. And I know I've talked about on

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Speaker 1: here the five regrets of the Dying. One of them

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Speaker 1: actually is I wish that I allowed myself to be

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Speaker 1: who I am versus who I thought others wanted me

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Speaker 1: to be. And that's important to pay attention to because

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Speaker 1: if that's one of the top five regrets of the dying,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know what it's like to die yet.

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Speaker 1: I'm not I haven't been in that position to think,

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Speaker 1: but if the people that have are saying that, I

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Speaker 1: think that's probably a really big deal. And I do

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Speaker 1: believe what this very why Soul Cycle instructor said. It

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Speaker 1: isn't hard to be who are you, just are you are.

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Speaker 1: It's hard to stop trying to be who you think

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Speaker 1: others want you to be or who you think you

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Speaker 1: need to be. And it's much harder to shed these

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Speaker 1: protective layers than it is to just be who we are,

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Speaker 1: because once the layers are gone, then like we just

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Speaker 1: are that person and we are born that person. That's

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Speaker 1: who we are. There, we have instincts like that's not

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Speaker 1: hard to be authentically you. It becomes hard when you

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Speaker 1: think there are expectations, you think there's rules there. I

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Speaker 1: think there are these different set of rules that we

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Speaker 1: have to play to in order to survive. That's what's hard,

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Speaker 1: and it's hard because these layers may have helped us

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Speaker 1: feel safe in certain environments. Maybe they're no longer serving

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Speaker 1: us anymore. But it's also it's hard because sometimes those

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Speaker 1: things were true in certain environments. These rules did make

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Speaker 1: sense in certain environments. They did make sense in certain

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Speaker 1: points of our lives. And what we have to really

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Speaker 1: question and bring in during this ungoaling process is is

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Speaker 1: it still true in the environment I'm in now? Does

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Speaker 1: this rule still apply? Like? Am I still playing soccer?

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Speaker 1: But I'm on a basketball court and I'm like trying

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Speaker 1: to go like, oh, that's off sides, but you can't

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Speaker 1: use your hands, But like you're playing basketball and there's

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Speaker 1: no off sides and you have to use your hands. Like,

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Speaker 1: we have to make sure that we're we are in

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Speaker 1: the environment that we are using the set of rules for. So,

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Speaker 1: instead of this posture of bettering ourselves this year, what

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Speaker 1: if we took the posture of simply becoming more of ourselves? Now,

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Speaker 1: these kinds of things will be different for us depending

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Speaker 1: on who we are. I said that earlier, like the

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Speaker 1: rules are different based on like who you are, where

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Speaker 1: you grew up, all these different things, and they can

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Speaker 1: be really simple nature. However, as simple as they might sound,

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Speaker 1: they might feel really complex to unlearn. And I crowdsource

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Speaker 1: some of these rules, some of these ideas from y'all

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Speaker 1: on Instagram, and I want to share them because I

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Speaker 1: think it might help some of y'all think about what

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Speaker 1: your rules are that don't make sense any more. And

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Speaker 1: I just also think it's really interesting in general to

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Speaker 1: hear the different things that people had to unlearn. Some

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Speaker 1: of them you're going to relate to, and some of

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Speaker 1: them you're going to be like, wow, like, that's interesting

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Speaker 1: that somebody else believed that I didn't grow up with

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Speaker 1: that experience and that actually is not true. So you

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Speaker 1: can then put that in place and be like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: if their rule is not true, then maybe this rule

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Speaker 1: that I have is not true. So I specifically asked,

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Speaker 1: what are rules or beliefs that you had to work

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Speaker 1: to unlearn? And here are some of the answers. I

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Speaker 1: specifically asked what are rules or beliefs that you had

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Speaker 1: to work to unlearn? And here are some of the answers.

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Speaker 1: You must support your family no matter what, blood is

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Speaker 1: thicker than water. You owe your family a relationship. And

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Speaker 1: also I kind of tried to group certain rules together

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Speaker 1: that were similar, so that's why some of them might

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Speaker 1: sound like run on sentences. Setting boundaries is mean. It's

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Speaker 1: rude to say no to invitations for plans. Your emotions

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Speaker 1: make people uncomfortable, therefore you should hide them. Do not

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Speaker 1: have big emotions. Do not show anger. Push through it.

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Speaker 1: You have the ability to control other people's emotions. You

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Speaker 1: are responsible for other people's well being and happiness. You

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Speaker 1: need to constantly apologize for how you show up if

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Speaker 1: it inconveniences or affects another person. Examples being late, being loud, etc.

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Speaker 1: If you're a woman, you should be sweet. Do not

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Speaker 1: say something if it isn't nice. Being too quiet is

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Speaker 1: a flaw. Show up enough but not too much. Draw attention,

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Speaker 1: but don't ask for attention. Be attractive but wholesome. Men

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Speaker 1: should be attracted to you, but you should not tempt

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Speaker 1: men or desire men. If you have sex outside of marriage,

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Speaker 1: you are damaged. As a woman, you need to look

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Speaker 1: your best at all times. Disagreeing with someone is rude.

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Speaker 1: You should not be vocal. You don't have a voice.

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Speaker 1: Women do not get to have opinions. They don't matter.

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Speaker 1: Be agreeable, keep the peace. As a woman, you should

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Speaker 1: always agree with your male partner and or the men

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Speaker 1: in the room. It's okay for others, including your significant other,

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Speaker 1: to be mean to you for no reason. Asking questions

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Speaker 1: is not safe. Being asked questions is not safe. You

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Speaker 1: must give one hundred and ten percent at all times.

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Speaker 1: Always be useful. You have to be good at something

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Speaker 1: in order to enjoy it. Do not eat salt. Those

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Speaker 1: in larger bodies are inherently worse than those in smaller bodies.

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Speaker 1: People are assholes. Expect the worst. Any bad decision can

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Speaker 1: send you to hell. Your thoughts are bad. Good thoughts

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Speaker 1: come from God. You are not to trust yourself. So

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Speaker 1: there are some examples of just some people's rules that

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Speaker 1: they are trying to unlearn or have worked really hard

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Speaker 1: to unlearn. And I really do believe one of the

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Speaker 1: most difficult and courageous things we can do is challenge

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Speaker 1: some of these rules, because what will happen a lot

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Speaker 1: of times is we'll experience these initial consequences that might

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Speaker 1: give us a sense that we are doing something wrong.

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Speaker 1: But the more consistently we challenge them, the more we

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Speaker 1: will find ourselves in spaces that actually reinforce the opposite

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Speaker 1: of these rules. So the more we play by those rules,

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Speaker 1: we're going to find more people that want to be

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Speaker 1: around people that play by those rules and that those

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Speaker 1: rules make sense for. But the more that we don't

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Speaker 1: play those rules, we might get kicked out of certain

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Speaker 1: spaces and there might be some loss. But we're going

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Speaker 1: to then find ourselves in a place where the rules

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Speaker 1: that make sense to us and actually feel true are

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Speaker 1: the rules that are played by. And what I also

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Speaker 1: don't want to do when I'm talking about consequence is

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Speaker 1: minimize certain consequences because I think that in a lot

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Speaker 1: of spaces and places, they can be more extensive than others.

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Speaker 1: For example, in the workforce, certain settings, especially as a woman,

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Speaker 1: the more you may show up and show opinions, the

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Speaker 1: more you might be labeled as bossy, rude, difficult, et cetera,

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Speaker 1: all those things, and that could threaten your job security.

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Speaker 1: And that means that you're in an environment that is

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Speaker 1: accurately sensing danger and you are putting in place appropriate

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Speaker 1: rules to stay in that environment. So if you want

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Speaker 1: to stay there, maybe you don't change the rules. I

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Speaker 1: would just really challenge why you want to stay there

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Speaker 1: and what the consequence of staying there is, And if

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Speaker 1: you have to stay there if it's necessary. We can't

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Speaker 1: always leave every environment. And so if I'm playing soccer,

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Speaker 1: I want to keep playing by the rules of soccer.

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Speaker 1: But if I'm not, if I don't have to keep

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Speaker 1: playing soccer, right, if I actually get to play a

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Speaker 1: different sport, if I have that option, then I don't

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Speaker 1: have to play by the rules of soccer. I can

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Speaker 1: go play basket. I don't know why stoccer and basketball.

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Speaker 1: I did play both of them. I was not good

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Speaker 1: at basketball. Don't know the rules that could have been

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Speaker 1: part of it. Anyway. Another example would be in abusive relationships.

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Speaker 1: If you start sitting up for yourself, that may result

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Speaker 1: in further abuse. And so that's where I really am

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Speaker 1: making it important to really be aware of am I

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Speaker 1: in an environment that still needs these rules or not?

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Speaker 1: And if I am, can I leave the environment. We

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Speaker 1: don't always have the option to leave. When we want

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Speaker 1: to leave, there might be an exit plan we have

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Speaker 1: to create before we can actually talk about changing the rules.

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Speaker 1: So I did just want to make that distinction because

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Speaker 1: when we are talking about changing these rules, if we

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Speaker 1: stay in an abusive environment, where we stay in an

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Speaker 1: environment where those rules are still necessary to survive. You

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Speaker 1: don't want to change your rules until you leave, and

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Speaker 1: so maybe you make an exit plan to leave, and

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Speaker 1: then you can start to unlearn these internalized beliefs that

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Speaker 1: you have. I think when we talk about have been

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Speaker 1: watching a lot of cult documentaries the last couple months,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of times, when you're in those environments,

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Speaker 1: you do believe a lot of the things that maybe

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Speaker 1: when you're outside of them you wouldn't believe because you're

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Speaker 1: taught those things like women shouldn't have a voice, or

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Speaker 1: don't argue with men, or always be sweet, and then

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Speaker 1: you might start to have these gut feelings like, oh,

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Speaker 1: wait a second, why aren't women allowed to have a voice?

430
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: Why shouldn't women have a voice? And so allow yourself

431
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,080
Speaker 1: to question those rules, and then once you've kind of

432
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 1: come up with a this actually doesn't fit with me,

433
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,520
Speaker 1: then you can create an exit plan to get out

434
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: of the environment. So then you don't have to play

435
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,960
Speaker 1: by those rules anymore. Most of the time, you're still

436
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,119
Speaker 1: going to have this internalized belief system that's going to

437
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:49,959
Speaker 1: pop up every now and then, just because it's what

438
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 1: you always knew and what you always played by and

439
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,240
Speaker 1: what all these people that were supposed to be safe

440
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,000
Speaker 1: told you. But what I'm really trying to drive home here,

441
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,600
Speaker 1: and I hope I'm doing an okay job, is that

442
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:07,840
Speaker 1: these un goals, these belief systems, these rules are necessary

443
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,639
Speaker 1: to change when we're not in that environment anymore, because

444
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: we create those rules. Like I said before, at some

445
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 1: point that shutting the layers is hard because in some

446
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 1: environments they probably were helpful. We don't create these things

447
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: out of nothing. At some point we looked around us

448
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,160
Speaker 1: and we took in the information and we said, oh,

449
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 1: this is what you have to do to survive. This

450
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,359
Speaker 1: is what you have to do to succeed. And once

451
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: you are in a different spot, we have to look

452
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,399
Speaker 1: around us and again say is this still what I

453
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,680
Speaker 1: have to do to succeed? Does this still make sense?

454
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,000
Speaker 1: Or am I holding myself hostage here and I'm playing

455
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,639
Speaker 1: by these rules that don't make sense. But this environment

456
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,160
Speaker 1: is very different. So when we talk about consequences, something

457
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,920
Speaker 1: like someone not liking you anymore, somebody not wanting to

458
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 1: be your friend as a result of challenging a rule,

459
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,920
Speaker 1: is one thing you might not like not being liked,

460
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 1: and that might be a loss, a loss of a friendship,

461
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 1: but you may not like having to play the role

462
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,119
Speaker 1: that you have had to play to stay in that

463
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: relationship more. And I find often that when we start

464
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 1: to challenge these ways of living, people can really surprise us.

465
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,400
Speaker 1: So people who we thought wanted the best for us

466
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,840
Speaker 1: sometimes we find oh, you just want the best for

467
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 1: me as long as I played by the rules that

468
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 1: helped you get the best for you. Right, you wanted

469
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,000
Speaker 1: the best for me as long as it didn't get

470
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: in your way, and it helped you and the people

471
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,320
Speaker 1: were worried about end up being more stable than we

472
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 1: could have imagined. And going back to the bagel story,

473
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: I know that I didn't want a burden Patrick last

474
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 1: year by asking him to get me a bagel after

475
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 1: I got home with the wrong order. But what I

476
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,399
Speaker 1: know to be true, and I knew it to be

477
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,280
Speaker 1: true then I just didn't let it sit in for

478
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,159
Speaker 1: me I knew it for other people. Is that I

479
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,920
Speaker 1: don't get to decide what a burden is for someone else.

480
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: And there are people in the world that would actually

481
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,479
Speaker 1: want to do something for me, not feel obligated, not

482
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 1: be resentful. And actually that's funny. We just this morning

483
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,439
Speaker 1: went and did a went to a workout class and

484
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 1: then on the way home, we were talking about what

485
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: we wanted for breakfast, and I was like, well, I

486
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 1: have to go home and record, so I'll just figure

487
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,440
Speaker 1: it out later. And he said, well, I'll go get

488
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 1: what you want and I'll bring it back for you,

489
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 1: even though what I wanted was not what he wanted,

490
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,480
Speaker 1: so we'd have to go to two places. And I said, no,

491
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: you don't have to do that. He said, I want

492
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: to do it. I know I don't have to do it.

493
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 1: I would like to do this for you. And that

494
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:37,919
Speaker 1: is true for a lot of people out there. But

495
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,040
Speaker 1: the rule that I was living by is if you

496
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,480
Speaker 1: can do something for yourself, do it. You don't need

497
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: to ask too much of other people. And the funny

498
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,199
Speaker 1: thing now is Patrick might be getting the overdrive on

499
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: that because I'm not really afraid most of the time.

500
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,679
Speaker 1: This morning, I was a little hesitant, but a lot

501
00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:58,239
Speaker 1: of times I'm not asked. I'm not afraid to ask

502
00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: him to get my phone when it might be closed

503
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,360
Speaker 1: for me than it is to him, or to fill

504
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,439
Speaker 1: up my water, like all those little things that I

505
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 1: could definitely do myself. But you know, it's like the

506
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,960
Speaker 1: pendulum swings like you live on one side, it swings

507
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 1: over there, and then you come back into the middle.

508
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 1: You find some equilibrium. And that's what a lot of

509
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 1: this stuff might be like for you. It might feel

510
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,479
Speaker 1: really extreme at first, but eventually it will come back

511
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 1: in an old balance. And that's what might it might

512
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,440
Speaker 1: be like for you when you're challenging some of these

513
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,439
Speaker 1: old rules, as it might feel really extreme, and then

514
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: eventually it will come back and it will balance itself out.

515
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:33,400
Speaker 1: And so again, really what I'm getting at here is

516
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: all of the New York's resolutions are awesome. The goal,

517
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: all of those goals, I'm not saying don't do that.

518
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 1: I think those are great. They can be really fun.

519
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: I think there's a way to do it that is

520
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,959
Speaker 1: helpful to us. And there's a way to do it

521
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 1: that can be kind of mean, you know, with some

522
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 1: of the resolutions that we make, and we can set

523
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 1: us up for ourselves up for failure a lot of times,

524
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 1: but there is a way to do that that this

525
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 1: can be really fun and exciting. So I'm not saying, oh,

526
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 1: don't do that. I putting in this idea that there's

527
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: another option too. Instead of adding something. What we can

528
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: do is that we can make it a un goal

529
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 1: to shed something like I want to, which the name

530
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 1: might not really fit because it is a goal, But

531
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,560
Speaker 1: I like this idea of taking something away instead of

532
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,320
Speaker 1: adding something, taking something away that's not serving me, instead

533
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:25,960
Speaker 1: of adding something, instead of bettering myself, becoming more of myself.

534
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,400
Speaker 1: And so if that fits with you, and of one

535
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,120
Speaker 1: of those ideas or one of those examples that people

536
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 1: shared fit with you, then that's something maybe you work

537
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: towards this year, and so you can become slowly, slowly,

538
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: slowly more of yourself each and every day of twenty

539
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 1: twenty four. So that's going to do it for me today.

540
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: I hope this episode brought some kind of thought for

541
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 1: you guys. If you any thoughts, questions, feedback, anything you know,

542
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: you can always email me Katherine at Unitherapy podcast dot com.

543
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 1: You can follow me at kat dot com, fada and

544
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,960
Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy Podcast. And if you're looking for

545
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: a therapist and you are living in Tennessee, you can

546
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: also follow Anybody can follow up but three Courts Therapy

547
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 1: on Instagram and we can help set you up with

548
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 1: a therapist that can help you maybe shed some of

549
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: this stuff. You can also go to three Courtstherapy dot

550
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: com to message one of our therapists as well, And

551
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: if you don't know what that is, that's my therapy

552
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,360
Speaker 1: practice sets in Nashville. So I hope you guys have

553
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,160
Speaker 1: the New Year's Day you need to have the beginning

554
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 1: of the new years that you need to have and

555
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 1: I will be back with you guys on Wednesday for

556
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 1: couch Talks