1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,400 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:09,680 Speaker 2: You can be lonely in a space full of other 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 2: people because you aren't feeling connected to others. 4 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:20,600 Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, 5 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,800 Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments 6 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a 7 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also, 8 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe 9 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:40,879 Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our 10 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 11 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:51,599 Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 12 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Bussard, a 13 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist. 14 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax and motivational speaker. In a world where 15 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 3: black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please join us 16 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:13,199 Speaker 3: as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from five roids 17 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,039 Speaker 3: to fake friends, and create a safe space where black 18 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 3: women can just. 19 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 2: Be Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating 20 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 2: her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the 21 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 2: state of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, 22 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 2: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique 23 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 2: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I 24 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 2: N I q U E B R O U S 25 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 2: s ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen 26 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 2: minute consultation. 27 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 4: I look forward to hearing from you our. 28 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 2: Quotes of the day single No, I'm just in a 29 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 2: relationship with freedom. I'm gonna say that one more time 30 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 2: for the folks in the back. Single No, I'm just 31 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 2: in a relationship with freedom. Ooh, all right, Tea, let's 32 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 2: do this. Let's do this. So I don't even need 33 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 2: to ask what this quote means to you, because I 34 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 2: feel like this quote kind of speaks for itself, right. 35 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,160 Speaker 4: Yes, And. 36 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 2: I think at the time that this episode is airing, 37 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 2: we are coming some weeks after you made the announcement 38 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 2: via social media, letting folks know that you are single, 39 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 2: all right, and the episode is not going to be 40 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 2: about Terry and her being single, Like, that's not going 41 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 2: to be the focus. So that's what you came for. 42 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:18,880 Speaker 2: Sorry to disappoint, Okay. It is a general conversation, particularly 43 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 2: as we reflect on these last few months of the 44 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 2: increased focus on black women who are single. So in 45 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:37,119 Speaker 2: today's episode, we will talk about what it truly means 46 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:44,680 Speaker 2: to be a Black woman who is single and happy. 47 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,840 Speaker 2: And I'm gonna say that last part again, happy, because 48 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 2: despite what some people seem to think, being single is 49 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 2: not a prescription for lifelong loneliness and being miserable. I've 50 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 2: been single for several years now, and I can say, 51 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:16,520 Speaker 2: from firsthand experience and the experience of plenty of other 52 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:20,720 Speaker 2: Black women that I know who have been single at 53 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:29,000 Speaker 2: various times, that we are happy, Please and thanks, we 54 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:34,160 Speaker 2: are happy. The way that I like to look at it, 55 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 2: and I encourage other people to look at it as well, 56 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 2: is that. 57 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 4: I'm going to make a food reference here. My life. 58 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:51,279 Speaker 2: Think about your favorite, your favorite cupcake. My life is 59 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 2: like a cupcake. By itself, it's amazingly delicious, Like I mean, 60 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 2: there's so much joy, but when you add in that 61 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: icing right on top, it takes it over the edge. 62 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 4: That icing is a partner. 63 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 2: Without the icing, again, that cupcake is still amazingly delicious. 64 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 2: But add that icing on top and it takes it 65 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:28,839 Speaker 2: to another level. But the key is that that cupcake 66 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 2: does not need that icing to be amazingly delicious, that 67 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:40,480 Speaker 2: cupcake functions just fine, serves its purpose just fine on 68 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 2: its own, and that's what being single is to me. 69 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,720 Speaker 3: Gee, we could just drop the mic right now. You 70 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 3: just I love the way you set this conversation of 71 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,119 Speaker 3: dom that spot on and dom as you said that, 72 00:05:55,160 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 3: it made me think about my deep feelings that come 73 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 3: up when I see other people who are getting married 74 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 3: or people who are recently engaged or partnered. And I 75 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 3: have so much genuine joy and excitement for anyone wherever 76 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 3: they are in their journey because I'm so at peace, 77 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,160 Speaker 3: so aligned, so joyful, and so happy with my stage 78 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 3: in life right now. And so I think we should 79 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:28,039 Speaker 3: jump into some of the challenging stereotypes of black women 80 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,479 Speaker 3: and dating and then lady, we're going to tell you 81 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:35,280 Speaker 3: what we love about being single, Okay, because let's also 82 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 3: emphasize that we are not going to harp on these 83 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 3: stereotypes for too long because many of us hear them 84 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 3: often they aren't true. But we do want to hold 85 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,359 Speaker 3: space to kind of have a holistic conversation where we 86 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 3: touch on what people might be talking about, and then 87 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 3: we will end on the things. 88 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 4: That we absolutely love. 89 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 3: So I think the first one here dom is that 90 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 3: angry that angry black woman trope, and that is the 91 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 3: stereotype that portrays black women as confrontational, aggressive, or overly 92 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 3: assertive in relationships, casting them as unapproachable or intimidating, right, 93 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 3: saying that black women. 94 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 4: In dating they are. 95 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 3: They're not datable, Right, That's what we often hear, like, oh, 96 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 3: black women they're difficult or you know, men choose to 97 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 3: be with other racists because black women, what do we hear? 98 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 3: They talk too much, they're angry, they nag, and like, yeah, 99 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 3: I think many people show up in relationships in this way, 100 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 3: but I think that it is just so the overwhelming 101 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 3: message that we often hear on social media and all 102 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 3: those other places is black women are on level with 103 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 3: because they're angry and they show up relationships in this way, right, 104 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,200 Speaker 3: And I think they can lead to unfairly labeling all 105 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 3: of us and kind of putting this blanket statement over 106 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 3: all black women, and it can make it difficult for 107 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 3: us to be seen as the true multi dimensional being 108 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 3: that we are. 109 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 4: And so that's the number one. It's a lot. 110 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 2: And I want to add to what that also does 111 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 2: if we focus on the naming it as angry Black women. 112 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 2: What it does is it keeps us from acknowledging the 113 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 2: reasons why black women may rightfully deserve to be angry. Yes, 114 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 2: there is so much happening in this world today, so 115 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 2: many things historically that still happened today to Black women, 116 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 2: that we deserve those moments of anger when they are there. 117 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 2: And so when someone attempts mainly romantic partner, attempts to 118 00:08:54,160 --> 00:09:01,520 Speaker 2: shut a woman down from expressing righteous anger, what that 119 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 2: does is that sends the message that our feelings aren't valid, 120 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:12,319 Speaker 2: that we aren't valid, and that's a problem. And then 121 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 2: that could lead to, rightfully so, a black woman feeling bitter. Now, 122 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 2: let's be clear that this second serotype or trope of 123 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 2: the bitter black woman is based in experiences of Black 124 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:36,080 Speaker 2: women who may be working on their own healing journey 125 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:44,520 Speaker 2: from a relationship where they felt invalidated. They may have 126 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:50,920 Speaker 2: been mistreated or abused, and they feel some level of bitterness. Now, 127 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,960 Speaker 2: I know that we need to hold ourselves accountable for 128 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,079 Speaker 2: certain things, and after a certain period of time, ladies, 129 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 2: time to go to therapy, do your healing work, and 130 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 2: let that bitterness go. However, I want to be clear 131 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,719 Speaker 2: that that is not how all black women show up. 132 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,199 Speaker 2: And if I have a moment where I express disdain 133 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 2: for something that I am witnessing or experiencing, that does 134 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 2: not automatically mean that I am a bitter black woman. 135 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,840 Speaker 2: And so this all or nothing way of categorizing us 136 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 2: is hello problematic. 137 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 4: Aiming to that, and that takes us to number three, 138 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 4: the third myth. 139 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,600 Speaker 3: We're almost down, lady, We're going to jump into these, 140 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 3: these these reasons on why we love being single. But 141 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,880 Speaker 3: the third myth here is the strong black woman myth 142 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 3: that many of us have heard. I think many of 143 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,800 Speaker 3: us have been complemented at some point in our life 144 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 3: about our strength and our resilience and all these things right, 145 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 3: and the expectation here is that black women must always 146 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 3: be strong and resilient and self sufficient. And this stereotype, 147 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 3: it doesn't really hold space for us to be vulnerable, right, 148 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 3: to show vulnerability, particularly in romantic relationships, because sometimes even 149 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,680 Speaker 3: when we are independent because of maybe what life has 150 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 3: given us and how we've had to show up to survive, 151 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 3: to thrive and to succeed, or then expect it to 152 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:22,120 Speaker 3: be misindependent who doesn't need anyone, but some of us 153 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,520 Speaker 3: we do want a man, right, Like, we do want 154 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,680 Speaker 3: a partner, We do want to have a companion, and 155 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 3: just because we're independent doesn't mean that we don't desire help, right, 156 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,280 Speaker 3: So I think that's something that comes up a lot. Hey, lady, 157 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,680 Speaker 3: it's Terry here, Dom and I want to take a 158 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:40,239 Speaker 3: moment to thank you for choosing to listen to our podcast. 159 00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 3: We love you for real, and we want to give 160 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 3: you a chance to learn more about what's important to us. 161 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 3: So tell us what you think about this. 162 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 5: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get 163 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,199 Speaker 5: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your 164 00:11:54,240 --> 00:12:00,559 Speaker 5: business brand or perspective with millions around the globe, joining 165 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,240 Speaker 5: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect 166 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 5: with like minded black women like you and share your 167 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 5: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. 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All right, lady, 196 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 3: We'll hop right back into the conversation. 197 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 2: And I think that that becomes problematic too and sends 198 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:57,040 Speaker 2: confusing messaging, right, because it's the Oh, at when you're 199 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 2: growing up, you need to move into this space of 200 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 2: being a strong, independent woman, Right, But when it comes 201 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,199 Speaker 2: time to looking for a partner, Oh, you're too independent. 202 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 2: No man is gonna want you because you do everything 203 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 2: for yourself. Well, if you are navigating the world by yourself, yes, 204 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 2: you do have to have some level of independence. And 205 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 2: what it does is it makes it hard for women 206 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 2: to then, when they are with a partner, to find 207 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 2: that balance of allowing allowing the partner to step in 208 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:50,520 Speaker 2: and do certain things and allowing space for vulnerability, because 209 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 2: then if you it's almost kind of like, if you 210 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 2: do show that, then something's wrong with you because you're 211 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 2: not independent. But then if you go onto the independent side, 212 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 2: well you must not want a man because you're too independent. 213 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,720 Speaker 2: And it leaves it leaves women feeling confused. 214 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Exactly, Okay, 215 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 3: you've probably heard one, probably all of these stereotypes, and 216 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,160 Speaker 3: we're just here to reinforce the fact that they're not true. 217 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 3: You may have an isolated instance where you experience some 218 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 3: of this, and Dom has talked about doing the healing 219 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 3: work so that we can overcome those things, because it 220 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 3: is important for us to hold ourselves accountable. But now 221 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 3: that we got that out the way to kind of 222 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 3: frame up the conversation, now, I'm going to dive into 223 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 3: the fun part of this conversation that we are excited 224 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 3: to talk about, which is what we love about being single. 225 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 3: And I think that what excites me most about having 226 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 3: this conversation Dom is that, especially this time of year, 227 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 3: it can be lonely, right, it could be depressing people. 228 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 3: I think being single, there's like this negative connotation that 229 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,720 Speaker 3: comes with being single. And as someone who has been 230 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 3: who was in a relationship for twelve years and married 231 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 3: for almost a decade, I found that people viewed marriage 232 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 3: and being married is like the ultimate goal, you know, 233 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 3: like people often would I'd see some married women even 234 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 3: be this way, like, oh, I'm a wife, I was chosen. 235 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 3: Like they just kind of feel like they're above other 236 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 3: women and other people because they're in a relationship. And 237 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 3: that's also like another myth, right just because you're in 238 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,280 Speaker 3: a relationship, just because. 239 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,080 Speaker 4: You're married, no matter how long you've been married. 240 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,320 Speaker 3: It doesn't make you better than other people, right right, 241 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 3: It doesn't like put you on this pedalstal like for 242 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 3: all this journey of life doing our best and your 243 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,720 Speaker 3: relationship status doesn't have anything to do with your worth, 244 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 3: right yes, yeah, yeah, so that's super important. So let's 245 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 3: talk about number one here. The first reason that we 246 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 3: love being single, I would say freedom and self discovery. 247 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,080 Speaker 3: Now I wanted to, like Beausbs, I need to think 248 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 3: about this a little bit. What does that mean to you? 249 00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 4: The freedom and self discovered? 250 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:07,840 Speaker 2: So I think that for me, the privilege in being 251 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 2: single and being able to have space for freedom and 252 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 2: self discovery is that I don't have to take other 253 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 2: people into consideration to the same extent that someone does 254 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 2: who's in a relationship. 255 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 4: Right. 256 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:33,080 Speaker 2: And I even want to specify that there's even a 257 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:39,640 Speaker 2: higher privilege for women who are single and also don't 258 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,320 Speaker 2: have any young children that they are caring for, right, 259 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:48,320 Speaker 2: because I think about Terry recognizing that you're a mom, 260 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 2: and there's some level of freedom that I have that 261 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,680 Speaker 2: you won't have because you have to constantly take into 262 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:05,120 Speaker 2: consideration your daughter, right. And so I'm aware of that 263 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 2: freedom that I have that if I decide today that 264 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 2: I want to take a trip to Costa Rica to 265 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 2: go on a healing retreat, right put that on my 266 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 2: bucket list. 267 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 4: Further, like next year. 268 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:26,120 Speaker 2: If I decide today that that's what I want to do, 269 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 2: I don't have to think about who's going to take 270 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:35,200 Speaker 2: care of my child while I'm gone. Does my partner 271 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,879 Speaker 2: have anything that they want to do that might interfere 272 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,119 Speaker 2: with that plan? Are there things that we want to 273 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,639 Speaker 2: do together that might interfere with that plan? 274 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 4: I can pick up and go. 275 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 2: I can log online, find that retreat, pay my money, 276 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 2: sign up, book my plane ticket, And I'm out right, 277 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 2: I appreciate that I own and embrace that that is 278 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,239 Speaker 2: a privilege that I have that I don't have to 279 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 2: consider what other people may want or need when I 280 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,959 Speaker 2: am making a decision for myself. 281 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 3: It's all me, Yes, girl, girl. I remember those days 282 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 3: before I was married and had a child. 283 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 4: People will be like, where are you at now? Oh? 284 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:22,960 Speaker 4: You want a plane? You're going here? 285 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,879 Speaker 3: Like just getting up and going wherever they're going, And 286 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 3: like you said, it is different now having a child. 287 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 3: But this weekend, in particular, my daughter is with her dad, 288 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 3: and so when I think about the freedom and self discovery. 289 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 4: This weekend has. 290 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 3: Like one of the other nights right so, I'm working 291 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:42,680 Speaker 3: on relaunching different products and resources for my new brand. 292 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,719 Speaker 3: I was up at five and I woke up at 293 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,439 Speaker 3: five in the morning the other day and I worked 294 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 3: five hours. I was in flow though, so it didn't 295 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 3: feel like working. I was just doing stuff that I 296 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,879 Speaker 3: love to do, and that was so fun and amazing 297 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,640 Speaker 3: to do. I think about the personal growth that I've 298 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 3: been able to dive into over the past year and 299 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,719 Speaker 3: a half or so since being separated, and that personal 300 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,119 Speaker 3: growth has been such a beautiful journey. And for me, 301 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,920 Speaker 3: that's looked like, you know, being in therapy. It looks 302 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,240 Speaker 3: it looks like reading on a Saturday morning, you know, 303 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 3: when I don't have my baby girl and crying because 304 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,840 Speaker 3: something came up for me and I just cannot have 305 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,800 Speaker 3: that space to do that. And also not necessarily, I 306 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,879 Speaker 3: think when you're in a relationship, although there were so 307 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:30,520 Speaker 3: many great aspects of my relationship, when you're in a relationship, 308 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,199 Speaker 3: I think that when you're growing, it is important to 309 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 3: consider your partner's growth so that you can kind of 310 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 3: understand are we grow and get the same at the 311 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 3: same pace, let me check in to let them know 312 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,919 Speaker 3: what's changed for me. And there's a lot of checking 313 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,680 Speaker 3: in and kind of checks and balances on various things 314 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 3: in life. And so the new thing that I am 315 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 3: remembering from my single life prior is having the freedom 316 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,399 Speaker 3: to just be who I am, to grow at my 317 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 3: own pace, and just to move and do my own 318 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 3: thing without that checking in, but also exploring new interests. 319 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,720 Speaker 3: Some of the things I've been doing include going out 320 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 3: clubing by myself, which was so nerve wreaking your first guy. 321 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,680 Speaker 3: I did it a couple of times and I began 322 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 3: to gain more confidence, and going out by myself. I 323 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,400 Speaker 3: went on a reggae cruise by myself. I hadn't met 324 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,119 Speaker 3: new friends. I'm in the club, got video of me 325 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,760 Speaker 3: and my new people like we're having. 326 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:18,080 Speaker 4: A good time. 327 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 3: So stuff like that that I'm able to do, exploring 328 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,760 Speaker 3: new interests, and also again like the uncompromised decisions right 329 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 3: every decision, big or small, it is made based on 330 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 3: my desires and not necessarily a partner's preferences, of course, 331 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 3: keeping my daughter in mind. 332 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,680 Speaker 4: But that's what I'm loving about being single right now. 333 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,720 Speaker 3: It's the freedom and the self discovery and also now 334 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,560 Speaker 3: that I'm single, I can talk about sex more freely. 335 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,119 Speaker 4: Even though my ex supported me. 336 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 3: Was one of my biggest supporters and supported me in 337 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,280 Speaker 3: so many areas in my brand, there were certain things 338 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,959 Speaker 3: that I held back because I didn't feel comfortable as 339 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 3: a wife talking. 340 00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:55,160 Speaker 4: About sex, even though they had been. 341 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,159 Speaker 3: Talking about you know, previous sexual experiences and how we 342 00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,680 Speaker 3: could talk about them in a meaningful way on the 343 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 3: podcas because I didn't feel comfortable doing that, or you know, 344 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,880 Speaker 3: diving into certain topics or showing up in a certain 345 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 3: way because I'm like, Okay, I'm someone's wife. 346 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:07,880 Speaker 4: I want to be mindful. 347 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,960 Speaker 3: But now I feel like I have more freedom to 348 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,160 Speaker 3: do that without holding myself back. 349 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,880 Speaker 4: If that makes sense, Yes, yes it does. 350 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,439 Speaker 2: And I think that that level of freedom is not 351 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 2: to be taken for granted and is one where. 352 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,159 Speaker 4: Black women can flourish. 353 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 2: Right, And if I'm real, this is how this level 354 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:37,080 Speaker 2: of freedom is, how that that rich auntie came about. Right, 355 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 2: is that you are single, Your income is your own. 356 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 2: You get to do what you want, when you want, 357 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:50,320 Speaker 2: how you want it, and you so if you choose 358 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:55,880 Speaker 2: to invest in your niece's college education, then cool, you can, right, 359 00:22:56,440 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 2: But if you choose to take that money and go 360 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,680 Speaker 2: on a month long cruise around the world, you can 361 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:08,399 Speaker 2: do that too. Yes, And we didn't even know and 362 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 2: I am. I am immensely grateful for that level of 363 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 2: freedom that I have that I am fully aware other 364 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,920 Speaker 2: people and other women in my life might not have 365 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,159 Speaker 2: when they have children or partners. 366 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,960 Speaker 4: Yeah, or both or both. And that's a good point down. 367 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 3: The one thing I was going to add on to 368 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,159 Speaker 3: freedom before we move on to number two is the 369 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:40,159 Speaker 3: degree of sexual freedom right, being able to date, have 370 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,199 Speaker 3: a partner or multiple partners or whatever you want to do, 371 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,719 Speaker 3: like you figuring out what works best for you. I 372 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,240 Speaker 3: do appreciate that in the season as well. I will 373 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 3: probably talk about this on another episode, but I definitely 374 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 3: had a very eventful pole phase at the beginning of 375 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,680 Speaker 3: the separation, and I learned so much about myself. And 376 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 3: now I'm in the season of like scaling that shit back. Well, 377 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,679 Speaker 3: I'm like, you know what, I ain't doing all that, 378 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:03,959 Speaker 3: you know what I mean? So being able to have 379 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 3: the freedom to figure out what do I need in 380 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,159 Speaker 3: the season, what do I desire and going out to 381 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 3: do it. So Lady the freedom and self discovery is real. 382 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 3: It's us to two number two, which is rediscovering happiness. 383 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 2: Yes, And so you know, I think with this idea 384 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 2: of redefining rediscovering happiness, it's about defining what happiness means 385 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 2: to you as an individual and not in relation to 386 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:41,440 Speaker 2: other people. Because when you're in a partner dynamic, yes, 387 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 2: it is important to have some aspect of independence, right, 388 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:51,120 Speaker 2: And it is important to know what makes you happy 389 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 2: outside of everyone else in your life. It is a 390 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 2: whole lot easier to do that when you are single, right. 391 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,439 Speaker 2: But I think that society sets it up so that 392 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 2: we think that it's not or we think that it's 393 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 2: a problem. So let's define solitude versus loneliness, right, because 394 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 2: society you'll have us thinking that if you're single, you're 395 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 2: out here lonely, and that that stereotype of the cat lady. Right, 396 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:31,919 Speaker 2: No shade to cats. I'm just not a fan. So 397 00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 2: I like to me, time alone is solitude. Loneliness is 398 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:55,320 Speaker 2: that feeling of nothing. No one around you can make 399 00:25:55,359 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 2: you feel good, can make you happy, and you are miserable. 400 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:07,080 Speaker 2: You can be lonely in a space full of other 401 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 2: people because you aren't feeling connected to others. Yeah. 402 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 4: Right. 403 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 2: Solitude, on the other hand, is about having that deep 404 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:27,160 Speaker 2: connection with yourself and embracing that time that you have 405 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,600 Speaker 2: when you are alone. 406 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:30,480 Speaker 4: Good. 407 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 3: Now, we're just going to say, I think that loneliness 408 00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 3: is also it's kind of stems from lack right, Like 409 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,120 Speaker 3: you can be alone but not lonely when I feel 410 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:40,760 Speaker 3: like a lot of times if you're lonely, it feels 411 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 3: like you're you're lacking something, like there's this missing puzzle piece. 412 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,640 Speaker 3: I gotta feel it with something. But I, as you 413 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 3: dom I've been alone and happy as a motherfucker, Like 414 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 3: I love being alone and I love that solitude, but 415 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,440 Speaker 3: kind of double tapping into this or double clicking into 416 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 3: like their redefining happiness. 417 00:26:59,359 --> 00:26:59,679 Speaker 4: Girl. 418 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,120 Speaker 3: One of the things that I was reminded of when 419 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,200 Speaker 3: as I live alone now of course when my daughters 420 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,000 Speaker 3: with me, but this is like our space. 421 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:09,720 Speaker 4: I get to. 422 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 3: Design my home, and I think one of the biggest things, 423 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,080 Speaker 3: one of my big struggles with being in a relationship 424 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,360 Speaker 3: was I actually talked about this in therapy. I had 425 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 3: to work on my desire to control the space and 426 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,320 Speaker 3: atmosphere and the design of our home. One having a partner, 427 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 3: because it's not fair if you have a partner to 428 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,119 Speaker 3: try to dictate how everything should be set up and 429 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,439 Speaker 3: what goes here and what goes there. And as a person, 430 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,600 Speaker 3: it probably stems back from childhood. But my home and 431 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 3: the way it's set up is a great source of 432 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,639 Speaker 3: happiness and stability for me. And so now I'm in 433 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,679 Speaker 3: a place where I have designed my home and the 434 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:46,640 Speaker 3: way that I love. 435 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,200 Speaker 4: I set it up, I make the roles. 436 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,239 Speaker 3: Of course, I hold space for my toddler to you know, 437 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,080 Speaker 3: do her thing in the home, and I'll clean it. 438 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 4: Up after bedtime when she goes to sleep. 439 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,920 Speaker 3: But that is so it brings me so much happiness, 440 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 3: enjoy being able to set up my homework in the 441 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 3: way that I want and design it and the way 442 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,320 Speaker 3: that I choose, and not have to worry about accommodating 443 00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 3: anyone else. 444 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 4: Right, So I would add that. 445 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 3: To this, I'd also say prioritize, prioritizing myself, being able 446 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,439 Speaker 3: to prioritize my needs first of focusing on my health, 447 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,880 Speaker 3: hobbies and being able to rest and rejuvenate. I think 448 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,000 Speaker 3: that one of the great things about having a partner 449 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,480 Speaker 3: is you get to like you can debrief about your 450 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 3: day with your partner. Right, so I've had to find 451 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:30,159 Speaker 3: other ways of debriefing about big things that might come 452 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,840 Speaker 3: up in life. Right if I don't talk to a 453 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 3: friend or you know, even my ex, if we don't 454 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,879 Speaker 3: talk about it, I find other ways to fill my cup, 455 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:41,240 Speaker 3: to release the things that happened in my day, or 456 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 3: to talk about big accomplishments. 457 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 4: Just a couple of days ago, something. 458 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,120 Speaker 3: Really big happened in a work setting and I was 459 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,720 Speaker 3: really excited about it, and I just kind of sat 460 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 3: with it, and I was like, Okay, I can be 461 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 3: happy and celebrate myself. And the more I can journal 462 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,720 Speaker 3: about it, I can just like bask and the happy 463 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 3: feelings that I'm having so a little different. But there's 464 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 3: still a lot of happiness that comes in this phase. 465 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, And I think that's the thing is figuring 466 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 2: out for yourself what that happiness looks. And so then 467 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 2: that takes us to number three, letting go of these 468 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 2: societal expectations, right, Like going back to my food analogy, 469 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 2: my cupcake analogy of take pride in your life is complete, 470 00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 2: Your life is whole without anybody else. I love a 471 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:54,240 Speaker 2: good black romance novel. I love a good Hallmark movie 472 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 2: with black people in it. Shout out to our former 473 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:01,120 Speaker 2: guest Tony Judkins, who heads that division. 474 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,320 Speaker 4: Yes, I love it. 475 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:12,280 Speaker 2: However, I do not need a man to complete me. 476 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:19,840 Speaker 2: I am whole and healthy and happy by myself. And 477 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 2: if a man wants to come along and be a 478 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,720 Speaker 2: part of it, I said, and compliment it. 479 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 4: That's the thing. 480 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 2: He is a compliment. He is the icing on the cupcake. 481 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:37,360 Speaker 2: He is not the cupcake. And so, as a single woman, 482 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 2: a happy single woman, I am very clear that my 483 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:50,240 Speaker 2: life is what it is. It is just fine, it 484 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 2: is great. I am thriving on my own. And the 485 00:30:56,400 --> 00:31:01,120 Speaker 2: thing about it is is that if you cannot as 486 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 2: a single woman, if you cannot appreciate and value and 487 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 2: enjoy your time when you are alone, when you are single, 488 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:20,000 Speaker 2: you will struggle when you have a partner. Yep, you 489 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:28,200 Speaker 2: are also more likely to have unhealthy relationships. So going 490 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:32,960 Speaker 2: ahead and embrace being your single self, because who you are, 491 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 2: as your beautiful, single single self, that is what will 492 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,880 Speaker 2: attract the icing to your cupcake. 493 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,960 Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and guests to all that dom and I 494 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,080 Speaker 3: want to just kind of share as you were sharing 495 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,720 Speaker 3: that it bought It made me think of something. So 496 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 3: when I think about when I was first in the 497 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,400 Speaker 3: beginning stage of the separation, there were a couple big 498 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 3: pieces of my identity that I was faced with that 499 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 3: were pretty challenging, and it kind of, oh, I don't know, 500 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:09,560 Speaker 3: I maybe feel the way and it kind of goes 501 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 3: back to like what we talked about about, you know, 502 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 3: breaking societal expectations, but also in me reclaiming agency. And 503 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 3: so I had to face literally face myself so many 504 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:21,680 Speaker 3: times over the course of this process. And one thing 505 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 3: that made me a little uncomfortable was like people call 506 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,880 Speaker 3: me a baby mama, you know, because you know, there's 507 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,680 Speaker 3: a negative stigma with being a baby mama, and it's 508 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,920 Speaker 3: like there's nothing wrong with being a child's mother, with 509 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 3: being a mother, right, So people there's a negative conversation 510 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 3: with that. Also with me when relationship stuff comes up, 511 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,920 Speaker 3: saying that I'm divorced, like I had to sit with that. 512 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,920 Speaker 3: It's like, okay, I'm going to divorce a right for divorcing. 513 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,280 Speaker 3: The other is that you see this on a lot 514 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 3: of dating shows. I am a mother who happens to 515 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 3: be single, although I'm not a single mother because I 516 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,040 Speaker 3: my you know, child's father is very supportive when we 517 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,560 Speaker 3: work as a team in co parenting. As a mother 518 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 3: who happens to be single, there's often this this I guess, 519 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:09,800 Speaker 3: this narrative of like having a child is like having baggage, 520 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,160 Speaker 3: So you're like bringing baggage into other situations with my daughter, 521 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,400 Speaker 3: It's not no baggage, okay. So I had to kind 522 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,080 Speaker 3: of face these things that society or as it sort 523 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,160 Speaker 3: of puts on us. The other thing was also. 524 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:21,400 Speaker 4: Not wearing a ring. 525 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,120 Speaker 3: I was so used to wearing my wedding ring, and 526 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,760 Speaker 3: like I took pride in being a wife, and there 527 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:28,600 Speaker 3: was there was some idea, there were some things that 528 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 3: I attached to my identity around being a wife and 529 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 3: being married that I had to let go of. And 530 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 3: so kind of circling back to reclaiming agency, I think 531 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,400 Speaker 3: society often puts pressure on black women to settle down 532 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:44,120 Speaker 3: and find someone to validate our worth and happiness. So 533 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 3: it kind of gave me a chance to figure out, okay, 534 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 3: and redefine what is my worthiness and happiness look like 535 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:54,440 Speaker 3: outside of a relationship. Right, single hood can be seen 536 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:59,400 Speaker 3: as an empowered choice rather than needs fixing. You know, 537 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 3: like I'm good. We were choosing to be single right. Also, Dom, 538 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,840 Speaker 3: you made a good point about being whole, Like I 539 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:09,320 Speaker 3: used to hate when people used to say this about relationships, 540 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 3: like oh, I have to meet my other half, and 541 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 3: I get it, y'all. 542 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,839 Speaker 4: It's cute. It sounds good in theory. 543 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:17,240 Speaker 3: But that shit, we are all We should be whole 544 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 3: people meeting other whole people so we can compliment one 545 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,359 Speaker 3: another and not complete one another, because then you get 546 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:28,120 Speaker 3: into codependency. And I also realized, Okay, from being in 547 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,920 Speaker 3: a relationship for twelve years, this is so easy to 548 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 3: In my experience, it was easy for me to hide 549 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 3: from myself, and there were insecurities and shit that was 550 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:42,200 Speaker 3: like deep down and it must have been in my 551 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 3: root chakra and my sacred It was deep down in there, y'all, 552 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 3: some deep shit that I was hiding. In my marriage relationship, 553 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:51,400 Speaker 3: all these things were like covering it up so I 554 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,240 Speaker 3: didn't have to face it. But when I was single, 555 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,360 Speaker 3: newly single, I had to face that shit and stuff 556 00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,279 Speaker 3: from childhood that I put down and like stuff down 557 00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:01,839 Speaker 3: in there. I faced to head on and I was like, oh, 558 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:03,960 Speaker 3: this is the thing that my marriage was like a 559 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 3: band aid. 560 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:06,520 Speaker 4: It was like putting a band aid over that. 561 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 3: I had never addressed, and so I have a new 562 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:14,120 Speaker 3: level of wholeness and confidence and security in my singleness 563 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:15,359 Speaker 3: that I love. 564 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:22,359 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that's beautiful. And so then that takes us 565 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:29,840 Speaker 2: to number four time and no one to answer to. 566 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:33,960 Speaker 2: Let me tell you about the blessing that that is 567 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:42,759 Speaker 2: that yes, So you know I've talked about being an auntie, 568 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:48,560 Speaker 2: and I think about when my nieces were little and 569 00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 2: they would visit, and I just remember having a strong 570 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:58,640 Speaker 2: appreciation by the time that they left, a strong appreciation 571 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:04,719 Speaker 2: for are parents and the work that parents do, and 572 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:10,360 Speaker 2: then a gratitude for me being single because my time 573 00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:15,319 Speaker 2: all my time. So one of the things that with 574 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:20,640 Speaker 2: being single I wake up when I won't. I mean, granted, 575 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:21,279 Speaker 2: I have a job. 576 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:21,879 Speaker 4: Let me be clear. 577 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,359 Speaker 2: I have a job, so I do have to get 578 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,799 Speaker 2: up and go to work, but I don't have to 579 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:35,000 Speaker 2: My time is my time. I don't have to worry 580 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 2: about getting other people ready for work, for school, whatever, Right, 581 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 2: So then that gives me more time to focus on me, 582 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 2: to focus on the things that bring meaning to me, 583 00:36:53,360 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 2: and that means that I can be spontaneous. So if 584 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:05,040 Speaker 2: at the end of the workday, I want to go 585 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:10,160 Speaker 2: to happy hour, then I can hit up some friends 586 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,000 Speaker 2: and be like, hey, y'all down for a happy hour. 587 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:13,759 Speaker 4: I don't have to check in with. 588 00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 2: Anybody about what the kids might need to do, because, 589 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:24,360 Speaker 2: again kudos to y'all with children, because the social calendars 590 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,160 Speaker 2: of the children be busier than adults. 591 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:31,840 Speaker 4: And so I am immensely grateful for that time that 592 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 4: I do have. 593 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,839 Speaker 2: As a single person to make that spontaneous decision that, 594 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,000 Speaker 2: guess what, I'm going to happy hour after work, I 595 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,160 Speaker 2: don't have to think about what anybody else is doing 596 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:45,920 Speaker 2: or how this might how that decision may impact anybody 597 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:49,960 Speaker 2: else's schedule. Right again, if I decide that I want 598 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:53,600 Speaker 2: to take that well miss retreat to Costa Rica, I 599 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:57,080 Speaker 2: can pack my bags and be gone and not have 600 00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:03,120 Speaker 2: to worry. I get to set my own schedule or 601 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,360 Speaker 2: not set one at all. But I also want to 602 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:11,000 Speaker 2: be clear to this is the message for the friends 603 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:15,719 Speaker 2: of the single folks that just because the person there's 604 00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:19,399 Speaker 2: someone in your life who is single, that does not 605 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:24,520 Speaker 2: mean that their time is automatically available to you. 606 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:27,280 Speaker 4: That part. 607 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:32,120 Speaker 2: Single people do have lives, They do have things that 608 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,520 Speaker 2: they are doing that don't involve a partner that don't 609 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 2: involve children, and their time is not yours. 610 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:50,920 Speaker 3: Nothing is doing something like it's yeah, so if they 611 00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:53,160 Speaker 3: are doing nothing, want to just chill at home and 612 00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:57,480 Speaker 3: be by themselves, Like, yeah, that's their prerogative. 613 00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,000 Speaker 4: It's important for us to do that anyway. 614 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 2: It is important for it is important for everybody to 615 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:07,919 Speaker 2: have some downtime, to do nothing time. Okay, and as 616 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:11,239 Speaker 2: a single person, I probably could work on having more 617 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:15,520 Speaker 2: do nothing time. But yeah, yeah, I know that I can. 618 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,120 Speaker 2: Oh my do nothing time is mine do nothing time. 619 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,200 Speaker 4: Now It's a little different for me, don right, because 620 00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:24,000 Speaker 4: I do have a child. 621 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,040 Speaker 3: So I want to say I am so grateful for 622 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:29,600 Speaker 3: my daughter's father because he is supportive, he's an active father. 623 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,520 Speaker 4: I trust him with our child, and. 624 00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,040 Speaker 3: It makes it easier for me to be able to 625 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 3: do some of the things that I want to do 626 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,160 Speaker 3: because we can collaborate and copearent Right. So I was 627 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:43,719 Speaker 3: able to go on this amazing meditation retreat earlier this year, 628 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,759 Speaker 3: and it was so it was life changing for me 629 00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:47,799 Speaker 3: and I would not have been able to do that 630 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,920 Speaker 3: and to go there and to go deeply, like just 631 00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,880 Speaker 3: to go deep within myself and my child was not 632 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 3: in a safe space where I wasn't If she was 633 00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:57,879 Speaker 3: in a space where I was worrying about her, who 634 00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,839 Speaker 3: was around and all that, I wouldn't have been able 635 00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:01,760 Speaker 3: to go. I wouldn't have been able to focus or anything. 636 00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:05,040 Speaker 3: So being able to have that that partnership is still 637 00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:08,200 Speaker 3: very important. But when it comes like not answering to someone, 638 00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:10,919 Speaker 3: I think it's great if you want to make big purchases, 639 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:13,319 Speaker 3: or if I just wake up one day and I'm like, 640 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,160 Speaker 3: I want to spend five hours just working on my brand. 641 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:18,759 Speaker 4: Right, we have a partner, you got to You can't 642 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,280 Speaker 4: just do shit like that. You know it looks different. 643 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:22,680 Speaker 3: Should I say when you when you want to do 644 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,480 Speaker 3: that kind of thing, there's a lot of compromise and whatnot. 645 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:26,640 Speaker 4: But I also say that when. 646 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:30,799 Speaker 3: It comes to guys I'm dating because it's casual and 647 00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:33,920 Speaker 3: there's nothing I'm not like seriously in a relationship with anyone, 648 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,439 Speaker 3: I think, pick and choose when I'm available to meet 649 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:39,480 Speaker 3: and if I want to take time to myself. It's 650 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:42,239 Speaker 3: not like I'm you know, tied down to any one 651 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,120 Speaker 3: of these people that I might be entertaining, And so 652 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,440 Speaker 3: I think that that's really great too. So when I 653 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:48,640 Speaker 3: have those moments, I'm like, you know what, I just 654 00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:49,600 Speaker 3: want to be by myself. 655 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:50,640 Speaker 4: I could do that, right. 656 00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:52,880 Speaker 3: So you had that autonomy and the flexibility, and like 657 00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:54,680 Speaker 3: you said, don the sponineity. 658 00:40:55,840 --> 00:41:00,720 Speaker 4: I love to hear, yes, yes me too, Gerre. Welcome girl. 659 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,600 Speaker 3: Let's get into number five because this is another really 660 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:04,040 Speaker 3: good one. 661 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:04,760 Speaker 4: Number five. 662 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:09,200 Speaker 3: It's all about building community and fostering rich relationships. And 663 00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:12,600 Speaker 3: what I'm loving most about being single right now is 664 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:16,200 Speaker 3: the fact that I can focus on quality over quantity. 665 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,960 Speaker 3: And I sort of have like you said, Okay, we're 666 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:20,680 Speaker 3: going to go with the cupcake analogy. Right, I am 667 00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:26,000 Speaker 3: the cupcake, I am whole, I am full delicious by myself. 668 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 4: For my damn self. Right. 669 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:31,240 Speaker 3: But I can add on icing and sprinkles and candy 670 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:35,799 Speaker 3: and other things onto my cupcake right or into my 671 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:43,280 Speaker 3: life to add in additional support streams, additional love community. 672 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:47,480 Speaker 3: I kind of have like different people and different aspects 673 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:49,640 Speaker 3: of life to feel different things for me. Right, I 674 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:52,759 Speaker 3: feel myself, but then I also have friendships, I have 675 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:57,120 Speaker 3: platonic relationships with men, right, I have community, all these 676 00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:00,200 Speaker 3: different aspects that feel my cup in different ways. And 677 00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:03,719 Speaker 3: I think that's so beautiful to have those different channels 678 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,840 Speaker 3: of support as a single person. 679 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:10,319 Speaker 2: Yes, And I think too the thing that you know, 680 00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:14,759 Speaker 2: I advise people, even if they are coupled, to have 681 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,680 Speaker 2: support have relationships outside of their partner, right. I think 682 00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:24,720 Speaker 2: as a single person, it's easier to navigate those dynamics, right, 683 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:33,359 Speaker 2: and you have more autonomy over how much time you're 684 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:38,120 Speaker 2: able to make for those relationships. 685 00:42:38,239 --> 00:42:38,479 Speaker 4: Right. 686 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:44,279 Speaker 2: That it's a privilege, Like I can't streuss it enough that, like, 687 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:50,839 Speaker 2: there there's a lot of privilege in being single that 688 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:59,640 Speaker 2: I thoroughly enjoy, right that I'm able to take trips 689 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:07,359 Speaker 2: with friends, multiple trips a year with friends, and you know, 690 00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:10,920 Speaker 2: I reflect back on times when and also to go 691 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,839 Speaker 2: see family as like, oh, let me. 692 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:15,640 Speaker 4: Back up, because that's a big one. 693 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:20,480 Speaker 2: Right, navigating family right in terms of like your who's 694 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:26,000 Speaker 2: in your community. As a single person, I don't have 695 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:32,520 Speaker 2: to consider anybody else's family and what those family dynamics 696 00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:35,400 Speaker 2: bring into my life. I only have to look at 697 00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 2: my own family, which is big enough as it is, right, 698 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:50,200 Speaker 2: And so I only have to consider those people whore blood, and. 699 00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:53,080 Speaker 4: That is so much easier. 700 00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:58,240 Speaker 2: I am fully aware of the privilege in that arena 701 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:02,920 Speaker 2: right that I for the holidays. I don't have to 702 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:05,840 Speaker 2: have a conversation around whose house are we going to 703 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:11,160 Speaker 2: this year? Or are we gonna host? And who all 704 00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,040 Speaker 2: are we inviting? Because who gets along from your side 705 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:17,440 Speaker 2: versus my side. I get to decide which family I 706 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:19,480 Speaker 2: get to see and you know, in which I may 707 00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:21,080 Speaker 2: have to say maybe next year. 708 00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,520 Speaker 4: Right, Like I get to decide that's a good one. 709 00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:27,880 Speaker 3: That could be trickier in relationships, cause you know, people 710 00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:30,600 Speaker 3: be fighting about where are we going for Christmas? 711 00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:34,400 Speaker 4: All that? Right, I've seen it. One. 712 00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:38,760 Speaker 2: I don't have to consider what does it mean if 713 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:44,560 Speaker 2: I don't like my partner's family but they love them, right, 714 00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:50,719 Speaker 2: Or my partner doesn't like my family and I love 715 00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:54,040 Speaker 2: my people. I don't have to consider any of that 716 00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,719 Speaker 2: as a single person. And hell if I were to 717 00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,400 Speaker 2: decide that I you didn't want to see anybody for 718 00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:02,919 Speaker 2: the holidays, I could do that too. 719 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:08,279 Speaker 4: Yeah you go, I think you may. 720 00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,040 Speaker 3: I think you may have mentioned this, don But I'm 721 00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:12,800 Speaker 3: want to circle back to like the redefining connections because 722 00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:17,239 Speaker 3: when we as black women embrace singlehood, right, it gives 723 00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:20,279 Speaker 3: us an opportunity to invest in relationships that are less 724 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:25,840 Speaker 3: transactional transactional and more about mutual respect, love and shared experiences, 725 00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:30,120 Speaker 3: and these connections can be more meaningful than romantic bonds. 726 00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:30,439 Speaker 4: Right. 727 00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:32,880 Speaker 3: And one day you said earlier, Don, was that you 728 00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:38,319 Speaker 3: encourage partnered people to have community and platonic friendships. And 729 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:40,440 Speaker 3: like you said, it can be challenging to navigate that 730 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,239 Speaker 3: when you're in a relationship. But I have found that 731 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,000 Speaker 3: one of the main reasons why it's so important to 732 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:50,080 Speaker 3: have that community and just friends, I just activities, just 733 00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,839 Speaker 3: a life outside of your relationship, Lady, is because if 734 00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:56,600 Speaker 3: you have that in singlehood, bring it into your relationship, 735 00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,040 Speaker 3: like you may not even keep it at the same 736 00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:02,080 Speaker 3: level you want to keep it, because a lot of 737 00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:04,920 Speaker 3: times what I see is that either and I think 738 00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:07,160 Speaker 3: this is just important as a human, all humans, I 739 00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:10,319 Speaker 3: believe should have a sort of a community of love 740 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:13,680 Speaker 3: and support outside of any intimate relationships, because when you 741 00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,480 Speaker 3: have a loved one that passes away, when you experience 742 00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:19,800 Speaker 3: a breakup, it can feel so isolating if you don't 743 00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:23,080 Speaker 3: have community, and it can be very challenging to build 744 00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,399 Speaker 3: a community when you're in. 745 00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:25,440 Speaker 4: Such a low space. 746 00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,880 Speaker 3: Right, And so I think they're having that just at 747 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:32,600 Speaker 3: the onset, just ensuring that, Okay, as my human check in, 748 00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:34,880 Speaker 3: do I have support, do I have love? Do I 749 00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:38,880 Speaker 3: have just different things that fill my cup? Because life 750 00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:40,520 Speaker 3: is going to happen, right, so you want to make 751 00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:42,279 Speaker 3: sure you have those things in place so that you're 752 00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:45,480 Speaker 3: not trying to It's like you're in the water searching 753 00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:48,880 Speaker 3: for like if you're drowning, you're searching for a life 754 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,560 Speaker 3: jacket or what is that y'all? What's the life saver? 755 00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:55,040 Speaker 3: What does it called life? If you're searching for that 756 00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:58,160 Speaker 3: in the midst of the struggle, it's a lot more challenging. So, lady, 757 00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:01,600 Speaker 3: I just want to reiterate what don said, Yeah, you 758 00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:04,759 Speaker 3: don't have that nail. Now, make sure you build community 759 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,040 Speaker 3: wherever you are in your life now because it's going 760 00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:10,000 Speaker 3: to be so important when you actually need to depend 761 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:10,840 Speaker 3: on them, right. 762 00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:19,879 Speaker 2: And honestly, there I understand that people say that, oh, 763 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,840 Speaker 2: my partner is my best friend. 764 00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:24,279 Speaker 4: I get that, and. 765 00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:29,160 Speaker 2: I love I love that for them, but I also 766 00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:35,920 Speaker 2: know that that is not always the norm. And so 767 00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:40,440 Speaker 2: the friendships that you establish outside of a relationship, the 768 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:46,760 Speaker 2: friendships that you can establish as a single person that hopefully, 769 00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:49,280 Speaker 2: like you said, if you do become partner, you carry 770 00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:57,720 Speaker 2: it into that those connections can be deeper and more 771 00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:03,880 Speaker 2: meaningful than any romantic bond that you'll ever have. And so, lady, 772 00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:07,440 Speaker 2: you know, I hope that as you are listening to 773 00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:11,240 Speaker 2: this episode that there are multiple things that are reminding you. 774 00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:13,280 Speaker 4: Of why. 775 00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:17,640 Speaker 2: Your life as a single black woman is one full 776 00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:21,280 Speaker 2: of joy and happiness. I can't tell you how many 777 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:26,600 Speaker 2: experiences that I've had and that I see other Black 778 00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:32,920 Speaker 2: women having that are filled with joy. Like I'm telling you, 779 00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:37,919 Speaker 2: there are so many black women who are cupcakes out here, 780 00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:42,279 Speaker 2: and if that icing is gonna come along, that icing 781 00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:45,319 Speaker 2: better be worth it because it could easily be knocked off. 782 00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,360 Speaker 4: Okay that part. Scrape that shit off real quick. 783 00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:50,880 Speaker 2: Real quick, real quick. It don't taste right, It's got 784 00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:52,720 Speaker 2: to go because the cupcake is great on its. 785 00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:56,040 Speaker 3: Own, That's right. So, lady, we hope this conversation gave 786 00:48:56,040 --> 00:48:58,600 Speaker 3: you some hope. If you are single and you're like, 787 00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:00,600 Speaker 3: I don't want to be single, we hope it can 788 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:02,560 Speaker 3: give you a little bit of inspiration. Right wherever you are, 789 00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,239 Speaker 3: your journey and Domina are going to head on over 790 00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:08,640 Speaker 3: to the after show. We just might be pulling out 791 00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:11,640 Speaker 3: some special guests. We might be get letting loose a 792 00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:13,520 Speaker 3: little bit in the after show, so you want to 793 00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:17,080 Speaker 3: head on over to herspacepodcast dot com click anywhere you 794 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,640 Speaker 3: see Patreon so that you can see us live and 795 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:24,880 Speaker 3: also listen to the content the juicy content we're going 796 00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:27,040 Speaker 3: to share in the after show. And again we might 797 00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:28,640 Speaker 3: be pulling out some wine and weed, so you may 798 00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:30,920 Speaker 3: want to catch a vibe with us. Okay, lady, so 799 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:32,640 Speaker 3: go ahead and join us in the after show, and 800 00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:35,840 Speaker 3: we'll catch you same time, same place next week. 801 00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:41,440 Speaker 6: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show 802 00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:47,400 Speaker 6: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and 803 00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:50,640 Speaker 6: mental health, but is by no means meant to be 804 00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:55,000 Speaker 6: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained 805 00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:59,080 Speaker 6: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is 806 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:02,400 Speaker 6: in need of mental health here, please visit the Therapy 807 00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:08,360 Speaker 6: for Black Girls directory Psychology Today or contact your insurance provider. 808 00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:10,400 Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 809 00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:14,120 Speaker 3: the conversation going, visit our website at herspace podcast dot 810 00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:16,680 Speaker 3: com and be sure to click the Patreon link to 811 00:50:16,719 --> 00:50:20,440 Speaker 3: get access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after 812 00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:25,080 Speaker 3: show and before we meet again, repeat after me. I 813 00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:30,879 Speaker 3: am a magnet for positivity, attracting joy, love, and success 814 00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:32,120 Speaker 3: effortlessly