1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:05,960 Speaker 1: Wedding culture these days is trash. 2 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 2: That's a fact. 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 3: I'm just happy that we already marry baby because listen, hmmm, 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 3: twenty seven year old Kadeen and thirty cent year old 5 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,239 Speaker 3: Kadeen's ideas. 6 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 2: Are very very different. 7 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: Dead ass, dead ass, y'all. 8 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,760 Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen. 9 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,239 Speaker 1: And I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's. You may know 10 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our. 11 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 2: Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy. 12 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,919 Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow. 13 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married. 14 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open 15 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things. 16 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,040 Speaker 2: Most folks don't want to talk about. 17 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass 18 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,279 Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when 19 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, 20 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 21 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 1: We about to take philos off to our whole new level. 22 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,039 Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now. 23 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 1: You guys know our wedding story already, so I'm not 24 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,759 Speaker 1: even gonna bow y'all with our wedding store and everything 25 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: we've gone through. But I'm going to tell you a 26 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: combination of three particular wedding stories that all have the 27 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: same outcome. Okay, okay. It's three young men who I 28 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: even either went to college with, mentored or grew up 29 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: with all different backgrounds. I mean, well, they're all black, 30 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:40,199 Speaker 1: but one became a professional athlete, one was in college, 31 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 1: and one worked. You know, I'll say, mta, you know 32 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: he's nine to five er right. They all meet beautiful women, 33 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: love this woman. They date for years. Everything's going well. 34 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 1: Women is very smart. All of the women that they 35 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: were dating were smart, had their own things in their 36 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 1: own right. They were all both parties doing well. The 37 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 1: men decide, I think I want to make this woman 38 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: my wife, so they propose. Women are excited. Boom, Now 39 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: it's time to start planning the wedding. They start planning 40 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:25,680 Speaker 1: the wedding. All three women have very different ideas of 41 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: what this wedding is going to look like than all 42 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: three men. Through the process over a couple of months, 43 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 1: and one couple in particular pushed their wedding back a 44 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: year because they couldn't agree on terms and what the 45 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: wedding looked like. Long story short, all three love stories 46 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:50,799 Speaker 1: dissolved because all three couples couldn't agree on what their 47 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 1: wedding was going to look like and the fiscal responsibility 48 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: behind who was going to pay for said. 49 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 2: Wedding, so they canned the entire marriage. 50 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,959 Speaker 1: All three couples did not get married. 51 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:03,960 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. 52 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: And it was all about the culture of weddings, who 53 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 1: was gonna pay for what right, and what it was 54 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 1: gonna look like and what it was gonna look like. 55 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: And let's break this down. Baby, I have. 56 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,680 Speaker 2: Some thoughts say the same, same, same thing. 57 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 3: I mean, there's so many songs when you think about 58 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:28,079 Speaker 3: just weddings, like first dances, things like Edda James, what's 59 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 3: that song again? 60 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 1: At last that was a wedding song. 61 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 3: I feel like it's been like one of those. And 62 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 3: there was also John Legends song. 63 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: All Me let me talking about I think of John Legend. 64 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: I be thinking we're just ordinary people. We don't know 65 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: which way to go every time. It not matter what 66 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 1: song he's singing. I'm thinking ordinary. 67 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 3: And there's also baby It's you the. 68 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 2: Way, the way same. 69 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:09,920 Speaker 3: So there's a ton of them. But what do you 70 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 3: want to see today? I mean, I guess we're giving 71 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 3: you all over to carry out samples. 72 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,520 Speaker 1: Once I say this beat, you're gonna know it. Boom 73 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 1: boom boom. 74 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 2: This is the remix. Mm hmmm, meet me at the altar. 75 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:31,719 Speaker 2: Yoo wie. We get no youngers, we might as well 76 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 2: do this. We might as do it, do it or 77 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 2: not do it? According to today. 78 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 1: Yes, might as well do it and not do it. 79 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,600 Speaker 3: We're talking about the new standards for wedding planning and 80 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 3: what that looks like. We have so many couples that 81 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 3: you know, are younger and they're you know, looking to 82 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 3: us for some sort of advice and tips and tricks 83 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,479 Speaker 3: and all that good stuff. And let me tell y'all, baby, 84 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 3: I cannot envy the situation that y'all are in right 85 00:04:55,800 --> 00:05:00,480 Speaker 3: now trying to plan these weddings Instagram. All right, so 86 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,479 Speaker 3: we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills, yes, 87 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 3: because you gotta hold some money after the wedding to 88 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 3: pay bails. And then we're gonna come back and we're 89 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 3: gonna dive back into story time and talk more about 90 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 3: these new standards of wedding planning. 91 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:13,000 Speaker 2: Stick around, y'all. 92 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 1: Okay, so we're back, all right, we're back. 93 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 3: So you know what I got from your story time, 94 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 3: which I think was the positive. 95 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 2: In all of this. 96 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:32,159 Speaker 3: Each couple learned early on that they may not have 97 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 3: been on the same page from a financial perspective if 98 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 3: they wanted to start a wedding in some sort of 99 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 3: financial deficit ever debt. So at least they got that 100 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 3: out of the way early on in the relationship where 101 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 3: they realize, you know what, we just may not be 102 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 3: on the same accord in general with how we want 103 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 3: to live our life starting. So let's just nip the 104 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:53,920 Speaker 3: shit in the bud now and get it over with 105 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 3: because it's gonna save us a lot of heartache in 106 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 3: the future, because who knows what other things, other ventures, 107 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 3: other business ventures that would require them to be on 108 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 3: the same page about finances and what's one of the 109 00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 3: number one causes for divorce financial issues in relationships is 110 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 3: financial issues issues. 111 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 1: But I am still kind of heartbroken because these three couples, 112 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,040 Speaker 1: you could tell they loved each other and they had 113 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,520 Speaker 1: love for each other, And what bothered me the most 114 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,920 Speaker 1: was that they didn't even really they didn't get a 115 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 1: chance to get to the marriage and learn how to 116 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,960 Speaker 1: work through it because they just couldn't agree on the wedding. 117 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,040 Speaker 1: And what people don't realize is the wedding is just 118 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: one day, you know what I'm saying, And it's just 119 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: like you sacrifice, possibly you're happily ever after because you 120 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: couldn't agree on the semantics of one day. And that's 121 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: what I really want to talk about today. I want 122 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 1: to talk about the semantics of everything. For example, social 123 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: media has made super luxurious weddings seem like the standard, right, 124 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,520 Speaker 1: but national averages may shock you into a more realistic 125 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,480 Speaker 1: budget for your wedding. And I think that that's important 126 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,719 Speaker 1: for people to realize because we often talk about how 127 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 1: social media has skewed so many realities for people. 128 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 2: That is a fact. 129 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:09,479 Speaker 3: When Triple told me the average, the national average for weddings, 130 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 3: I was shocked, because you think about it, And in 131 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,520 Speaker 3: talking to the crew about this as we were prepping 132 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 3: for the show, talking to Josh and Matt specifically, who 133 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 3: have shot weddings for years, those weddings that cost around 134 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 3: the national average don't even make it to social media 135 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 3: because they're not necessarily deemed as that aspirational lifestyle, that 136 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 3: aspirational wedding that people want to achieve, like, it's not 137 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 3: going to be an instagrammable moment if you're within that 138 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 3: national average. 139 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 2: So numbers, so you. 140 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: Bring the numbers. I want to also point out, of 141 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: all three weddings I spoke about, I don't want it 142 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 1: to I want people to think that I'm saying all 143 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,239 Speaker 1: of the women want to spend money. The one person 144 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: I talk about who works for quote unquote MTA or 145 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: school teacher. I don't want to give it out because 146 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: some of you y'all know my family and friends, so 147 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: I don't want to say things that people are two 148 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 1: and two together. But he wanted to spend more money 149 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: on the wedding and she was like, absolutely not. She 150 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,640 Speaker 1: was like, this is just not the responsible things to do. 151 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,080 Speaker 1: And in his mind he was just like, but this 152 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 1: is what I want to put on for my people, 153 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 1: and this is what I want to do, And in 154 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 1: her mind she was just like, well, if that's how 155 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: you want to live your life, I don't know if 156 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: this is going to be good for us long term. 157 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: So it's not always a man woman thing is sometimes 158 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: it's just a personality thing. But in that situation, he 159 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: ended up losing. And I'm not going to say he 160 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,200 Speaker 1: lost his part because they walked away amicably. They was like, listen, 161 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: if we can't agree on this, then we're not moving forward. 162 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: But oftentimes it's the stigma that women want to spend 163 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,960 Speaker 1: money for sure, And even I had to be honest 164 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: with myself and say, when we were planning our wedding, yeah, 165 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,840 Speaker 1: I was upset and I projected on you that you 166 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: wanted to have this big wedding, But it was also 167 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: my ego because my friends were playing in the NFL 168 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:53,079 Speaker 1: and gave their wives platinum weddings that I wanted to 169 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: be able to do the same thing. And I didn't 170 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 1: lose my wife because I was able to put on 171 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: a huge wedding for you. But then I was also 172 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: very upset afterwards because I didn't put myself in a 173 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:06,439 Speaker 1: position to be able to provide afterwards. So I just 174 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 1: wanted to put that out there that it's not always 175 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: just the wife want to spend money and a husband's 176 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 1: trying to be fiscally responsible. No. In that case, right there, 177 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:17,600 Speaker 1: dude was trying to stunt and Shorty was like, nah, bro, no, 178 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. 179 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,959 Speaker 2: In a wedding for me. And even before social media media, 180 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 2: there was. 181 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 3: A show called wedding, and that's what got wedding, is 182 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 3: it anyway? And that's I think when the culture took 183 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:27,760 Speaker 3: a turn. 184 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:28,960 Speaker 1: It shifted after that. 185 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,959 Speaker 3: Sure, it's like, okay, we're going to have to make 186 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 3: these over the top elaborate wedding days a thing and 187 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 3: people trying to keep up with that. Weddings in the 188 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 3: United States and Canada are were once based out of 189 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:44,679 Speaker 3: commodity rather than desire or love. The word wedding implied 190 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 3: the security of the groom's family provided, or the security 191 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 3: rather that the groom families provided to the family of 192 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 3: the bride when the couple got married. And originally, if 193 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,680 Speaker 3: the bride's family was poor or her father didn't approve 194 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 3: of the marriage, bridal showers were thrown to provide the 195 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 3: bride with gifts when she was unable to provide dowry 196 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 3: for her marriage. 197 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: And that that's wedding history in the United States or Canada, right. 198 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: And the reason why we're just saying United States or 199 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: Canada because we live in the United States and that's 200 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,320 Speaker 1: the culture I'm speaking of. Of course, there's so many 201 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: other cultures and ideas of what weddings were. 202 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 3: Culture's religions that had their own set traditions. 203 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:27,439 Speaker 1: Right, but weddings were financial commodity, Like people got married 204 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,920 Speaker 1: for specific reasons at that time. It wasn't just based 205 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,680 Speaker 1: on love. And also it's clear, to make it very 206 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: let's make it very clear, it was never on the 207 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 1: bride and groom to provide an experience for everyone else 208 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: to share their love. That's that's the new thing. That's 209 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: the new thing. And I knew. I mean the last 210 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: twenty years. 211 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, oh, I mean twenty years absolutely. 212 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 3: I mean I'm in the thick of starting the wedding 213 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 3: planning process with my sister, being of support to her, 214 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 3: and you know, I get it because I'm conflicted in 215 00:10:56,040 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 3: that I understand who Kadeen was at twenty seven, you know, 216 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,319 Speaker 3: desiring certain things that I've seen, you know, the culture 217 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,080 Speaker 3: of weddings and what it looked like for me at 218 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:10,000 Speaker 3: that time. So I understand that portion of it and 219 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,040 Speaker 3: wanting to have that. But then Kadeen trying to be 220 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 3: wise sister, you know, ten years her senior, is like 221 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 3: girl like, there's so many other ways to do it, 222 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 3: to make it a romantic, memorable situation that's centered around 223 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 3: you and your fiance. And not necessarily around the crowds 224 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,480 Speaker 3: of people who just want to come and party for 225 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 3: a day with open bar, you know so. 226 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: But also we did things our way. We didn't do 227 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,359 Speaker 1: the most financially. 228 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:36,079 Speaker 2: That's a fact. 229 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: Responsible thing, that's a fact, and we're doing fine now. 230 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: But a lot of this conversation is to just give you, guys, 231 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,160 Speaker 1: insight of what we went through. I'm gonna give you 232 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,160 Speaker 1: a disclaimer right now. If you and your significant other 233 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 1: one to be fiscally irresponsible and throw a huge party 234 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 1: for one day, do it the same way we did it, 235 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,320 Speaker 1: and be invested in. 236 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,960 Speaker 2: The spation after the sufferation. 237 00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 1: Be invested in the sufferation, but also the time is 238 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: going to take to build back Sadeena and I were 239 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: invested in that. Even though at times we didn't like it, 240 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 1: we still loved on each other and that adversity that 241 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: it created built the foundation for us that's extremely strong 242 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: and solid now. So we're not at all saying if 243 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: you do this, you're stupid and you'll never survive. No, 244 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: Kandina and I did it. 245 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 3: We wanted a big gas party. It was fabulous, it 246 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,880 Speaker 3: was amazing. We had a great time. Did we talk 247 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 3: to of those people still no, and in a large 248 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,680 Speaker 3: portion of them we didn't even speak to at that time. 249 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 2: But again, it's trying to, you know, include everyone. 250 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 3: We were the first pretty much in our families to 251 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 3: get married, so it's like, oh, mom, dad, grandma, we 252 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 3: want to please everyone. And then we learned quickly that 253 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 3: that was not necessarily the wisest thing. Let's jump into 254 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 3: some facts and stats. Baby, you want to tell them 255 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 3: about these numbers. What is this national average looking like 256 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 3: for wedding saturdays? Because I was shocked by this number. 257 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 3: I thought the standard was definitely way higher than it is. 258 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: This is going to shock some people. But if you're engaged, 259 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: or you're looking to get engaged, or you're thinking about 260 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: planning a wedding right now, just listen to these things. Brides. 261 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 1: American wedding studies showed that the average couple spends three 262 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,079 Speaker 1: seven hundred and fifty six dollars on an engagement ring 263 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: in twenty twenty. The average cost of a wedding in 264 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 1: twenty twenty three is expected to be twenty nine thousand dollars, 265 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 1: up from twenty eight and twenty twenty two, according to 266 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:30,200 Speaker 1: wedding planning platform Zola A survey of vendors found seventy 267 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: seven percent are raising their prices this year because of inflation. 268 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,959 Speaker 1: The average budget for a destination wedding is around thirty 269 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,080 Speaker 1: five thousand dollars. According to Brides Wedding guests spend around 270 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,440 Speaker 1: seven hundred and seventy six dollars for a wedding day. 271 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 2: Oh wow. 272 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 1: The statistic also includes I wonder who they who? They 273 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:54,199 Speaker 1: surveyed for this. The statistic also includes the guests who traveled. 274 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: The average cost of a wedding dress in twenty nineteen 275 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,080 Speaker 1: was one thousand, six hundred dollars. Brides who tie the 276 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: knot will spend between five hundred to four thousand dollars 277 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: on a wedding dress. Now, I will say this, these 278 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: are national averages, but these are not the weddings you 279 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: see on Instagram. No, And that is why when people 280 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 1: get married, they always end up shooting for the stars, 281 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: because the only weddings we see are the highlight weddings 282 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: from these magazines that cost one hundred to one hundred 283 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: and fifty thousand dollars minimum, minimum minimum, y'all. 284 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 2: And it also depends on the number of guests you have. 285 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 3: Now, I didn't even think about what wedding guests spend 286 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 3: to attend a wedding. So of course with destination weddings, 287 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,400 Speaker 3: you're going to be planning to your airfare, your hotel 288 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,280 Speaker 3: and all of that. So in traveling to someone's destination 289 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 3: for their wedding, a lot of people are like, baby, 290 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 3: my presence is a present. So what you're not about 291 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 3: to get is a card with no money in it, 292 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 3: because just for me to get here to celebrate you 293 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 3: is costing me. Some people want to wrap it up 294 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 3: in a vacation and okay, I'll just take my vacation 295 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 3: and make it two in one thing. But you can't 296 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 3: count on necessarily recouping some of that money from people 297 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 3: bringing gifts to a wedding. And then you think about 298 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,119 Speaker 3: being a guest. If you're not traveling, for example, destination, 299 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,800 Speaker 3: just attending a wedding, you want to get addressed, you 300 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 3: got to get a suit, you want to give a 301 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 3: gift traveling to the wedding, maybe doing here in makeup, 302 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 3: Like who knows what that looks like for people just 303 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,320 Speaker 3: coming to attend a wedding. So that's also putting other 304 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 3: people into some sort of financial situation just to be 305 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 3: in attendance, and I know me, I'm like, listen, if 306 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 3: I'm not within the parameters financially to attend a wedding 307 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 3: and give a nice gift to. 308 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 2: Cover at least my plate, my husband's plate. 309 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 3: If we're coming as a couple, then I'm usually willing 310 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 3: to buy out of situations that I know I cannot 311 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 3: be in a position to, you know, absolutely give my share. 312 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 2: But not everybody thinks that way. They're just like, well, 313 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 2: you invited me. 314 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 3: I don't got it like that, but I'm gonna come 315 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 3: because I'm a wanting to support because they genuinely may 316 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,520 Speaker 3: love the couple but just don't have the resources to 317 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 3: be able to gift them anything, or just saying, man, 318 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 3: i'm coming to look for a good time, I'm going 319 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 3: to go party. So I feel like that's the mindset 320 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 3: with a lot of people attending weddings nowadays too. 321 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: So let me ask a question. And I'm looking this 322 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: up right now. Okay, remember your sister sent me what 323 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 1: your mom sent her about the average for weddings, and 324 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 1: it was about one hundred and fifty thousand. Did Sokari 325 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: send THATX, I'm going I'm not sure she sent it 326 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 1: to or did she show us on the phone. Ultimately, 327 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: ultimately it was a breakdown of how much it would 328 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: cost to have one hundred and seventy five people get 329 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: married in New York and what. 330 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 2: One hundred and seventy five people attending a wedding. 331 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: Attending a wedding like you if you didn't have a 332 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,960 Speaker 1: wedding and have at least one hundred and seventy five people. Yes, 333 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 1: the breakdown was about one hundred and fifty k. And 334 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: they broke down how much photography caused entertainment per plate. 335 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 3: Then you chairs and everything, and a lot of these 336 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 3: things weren't astronomical. These were vendors getting their due, yes, 337 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 3: market value for the service that they offer. So this 338 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 3: wasn't even like astronomical things. These are basics. Yes, And 339 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 3: by the time everything was talent, it was about one 340 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 3: hundred and fifty thousands. 341 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 1: It was about a hundred ff thousands. But I also 342 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: want I also want to be clear that when you 343 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,479 Speaker 1: look at what the standard quote unquote is based on 344 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: what you look at through social media, that's what you're 345 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: going to get, even though that's not quote unquote the standard, 346 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 1: because you don't have to spend one hundred and fifty 347 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,639 Speaker 1: thousand dollars. And I want to make a statement here 348 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: because there was a young lady when we were in Houston. 349 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure some of you listened to the live show, 350 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 1: and she asked, if you have Patreon, you could have 351 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 1: watched it the whole thing. But if you watch the 352 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: live show or listen to it, the young lady asked 353 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,359 Speaker 1: about she was twenty five. She said she had been 354 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 1: with her boyfriend since she was fifteen. They have a 355 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 1: son together, and she wanted to get engaged. And she said, 356 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 1: you know, asking us if he doesn't propose this year, 357 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 1: should I give him ultimatum like, yo, you have to 358 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,359 Speaker 1: propose this year or I'm leaving. 359 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 2: And he was in the audience. 360 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: No, no, no, that was the second one. The first 361 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: one was in Houston. He wasn't there. He wasn't You're right, 362 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 1: And my biggest thing was I don't think a lot 363 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 1: of people, and I'm going to say people, not just brides, 364 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 1: because even even men do this at times. Consider what 365 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: life is going to be like after the wedding. Right, 366 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,000 Speaker 1: So here it is you like, I can put together 367 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 1: all this money, I can find a way to give 368 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: myself this huge party and do this for my girl, 369 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,680 Speaker 1: or I can do this for my husband and we 370 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,560 Speaker 1: can do all this stuff together. You spend all that money, 371 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,719 Speaker 1: but after the wedding is done, you are now responsible 372 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,120 Speaker 1: to be married. Right, And I want to be very clear. 373 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 1: You listen to the histories of weddings. Weddings were a commodity. 374 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: Weddings were a way to build something financial for the 375 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,120 Speaker 1: bride and groom so that they can walk into marriage 376 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: with something with a neestdai right. Traditionally, it was the 377 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:48,200 Speaker 1: bride's family paid for the wedding, the dad's family gave 378 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: a down payment for the home, whatever money they made 379 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,639 Speaker 1: from the wedding. If you had three hundred people at 380 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: your wedding and everybody gave let's say two hundred dollars, 381 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 1: you walk away with sixty k. Right. So now your parents, 382 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,440 Speaker 1: through your party, the other parents, the father's parents, I 383 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,200 Speaker 1: mean the husband's parents gave your down payment for a home, 384 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,639 Speaker 1: and now you're walking in with sixty thousand dollars in 385 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,560 Speaker 1: your bank account. Because if you want to have children, 386 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 1: now you have a nest stake to start this with. 387 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: That's what weddings were supposed to be for this is 388 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,719 Speaker 1: why I say wedding culture is trash. Now wedding culture, 389 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 1: I mean, weddings now are it's expected that the bride 390 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,280 Speaker 1: and the groom, especially in American culture, are supposed to 391 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 1: pay for everyone else to enjoy their love story. Make 392 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,040 Speaker 1: that make sense? When did the shift happen where everyone 393 00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: else who was invested in our love story came with 394 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,200 Speaker 1: gifts and provided us with a party, so everyone else 395 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,199 Speaker 1: celebrated the bride and groom and gave them something. Now 396 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 1: it's the bride and groom has to give you something. 397 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,439 Speaker 1: And the reason why I say that is because when 398 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,800 Speaker 1: we listen to our friends, the biggest thing they say 399 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: is I'm afraid if I don't invite these people, or 400 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,640 Speaker 1: if I don't spend this amount of if I don't 401 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: have this, they will be disappointed. I'm like, it's your 402 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,680 Speaker 1: why do you care if they disappoint it? 403 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,440 Speaker 3: But also too, you can't go into a wedding nowadays, 404 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,240 Speaker 3: at least, like you're saying to your point with the 405 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,360 Speaker 3: culture expecting to recoup anything, because people are going to think, oh, 406 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 3: I'm attending this wedding for X y Z. They got 407 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 3: it or did they have to do this elaborate wedding. 408 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 3: They clearly got it because they did it not expecting 409 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 3: anything in return or expecting to have to give a value, 410 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 3: whereas with us, for example, I'll look up a venue 411 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 3: that I'm going to for a wedding and be like, oh, this, 412 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,040 Speaker 3: this venue is a beautiful venue. They're probably going to 413 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:39,200 Speaker 3: average two hundred per person. So we're going as a couple, 414 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 3: we're going to at least cover our head. 415 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:48,480 Speaker 2: And so I'm a cover the head. I'm going to. 416 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,399 Speaker 3: Research the venue. I'm going to see how much it 417 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 3: is per head, estimate cover at the very bare minimum 418 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,399 Speaker 3: each head. So that's too valini, and then giving an 419 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 3: addition to that extra And. 420 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: When I tell you my wife is good at giving head, 421 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 1: I mean covering her head. You knew I wasn't gonna 422 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:13,439 Speaker 1: let that, you know I wasn't, But no, she literally 423 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: does this. She's like, who's getting married? Where we're going? 424 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 2: I'll tell her. 425 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: She'll look at us. She's like, oh, okay, so this 426 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,160 Speaker 1: and then we're going to give a gift, right for sure. 427 00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:25,359 Speaker 1: And I think that that part of wedding culture is lost, right, 428 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 1: Like no one thinks about oh if I'm a guest 429 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 1: at a wedding, I should give a gift if I'm 430 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:31,480 Speaker 1: going to invest. 431 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,480 Speaker 2: It's not protocol or etiquette for a lot of people. 432 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 2: They don't realize it. 433 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 3: When we got married, there was a lot of family members, 434 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,359 Speaker 3: and I mean like close family members that literally had 435 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 3: no idea that that's how it worked. They were like, Oh, 436 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,359 Speaker 3: we're going to a wedding. Cool, I'm gonna go to 437 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,960 Speaker 3: the bridle shower. I'm gonna give to some lingerie. That's 438 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,159 Speaker 3: what I've heard people do. And I'm gonna show up 439 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 3: at the wedding because my presence is the present, y'all. 440 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,560 Speaker 1: I came to a wedding. I supported you. 441 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,720 Speaker 2: I supported you or I grew you up to be 442 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,440 Speaker 2: who you are today. So that was my gift. 443 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 1: Like, hey, let me tell you something right now. If 444 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 1: I got married again, you know what I would do. 445 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:07,440 Speaker 1: I would sell tickets to my wedding on everything, on everything. 446 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 2: I tried, God put it on evite. 447 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,680 Speaker 1: You put on Evite and be like listen or event bright? 448 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 1: Is that what it is? 449 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:14,640 Speaker 2: Bright? 450 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 1: If you plan to attend the nuptials between Daval and Kadeen, 451 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,720 Speaker 1: you know, and I'm going to put in the cost 452 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: per ticket is and I'm gonna give a breakdown of 453 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 1: what you're getting. You're getting a five course meal, you're 454 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:29,679 Speaker 1: getting cocktail. I this the course per ticket is at 455 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: least four hundred dollars. You know why I'm gonna do 456 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,159 Speaker 1: that because now you see who's really invested in your 457 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 1: love story. If people know they got to pay to 458 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: come and they don't really rock with you, they're not 459 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,159 Speaker 1: gonna come. But now you don't got to pay for 460 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:42,680 Speaker 1: their food. 461 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,440 Speaker 3: So Javal and I did something very non traditional for 462 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:50,199 Speaker 3: one of our baby showers. Yes, yes, when we were 463 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 3: pregnant with Cairo, right, we were throwing a gender reveal party, 464 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 3: and we felt like, you know, gender reveal party, baby shower, 465 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,520 Speaker 3: Let's do one big celebration in one. Because at this 466 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,639 Speaker 3: point I was already like seven months pregnant, we were 467 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 3: waiting to find out what the baby was. We said, 468 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,639 Speaker 3: instead of doing a baby shower that was specific to 469 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 3: an agender, let's just make it one big reveal. 470 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,800 Speaker 2: So we ended up doing just that. It was like 471 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 2: seventy five dollars a pop. Come to the gender reveal, 472 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 2: don't bring a gift, don't bring a gift. Don't bring 473 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,359 Speaker 2: a gift. If anything that will be your contribution towards the. 474 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,840 Speaker 3: Baby and towards We had open bar for two hours 475 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:29,440 Speaker 3: open bar, we had food, DJ, entertainment, all that decor. 476 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 3: Everything was done. And we got some backlash from a 477 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 3: couple people, you know, through the grape viound we heard 478 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,439 Speaker 3: about people like, oh, people selling tickets the baby showers. Now, 479 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,440 Speaker 3: oh that's tacky, that's tacky. First of all, you didn't 480 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 3: have to come right that part. You didn't have to come. 481 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 3: It was an option to come. But we did have 482 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 3: an outpour of love from people. We had people that 483 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 3: were like, yo, this was a great idea. Yes, because 484 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 3: first of all they were going to probably give us money. 485 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 2: Anyway, we got. 486 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,639 Speaker 1: To tell them how it happened. Remember with Jackson, we 487 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,119 Speaker 1: had a baby shower first with Jackson at Aviator. 488 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 2: Oh, yes, this is where the mindset. 489 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 1: This was the mindset came from. And we had about 490 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 1: three hundred people and it was amazing. 491 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 3: It was. 492 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:05,639 Speaker 2: It was a shoe rate outpour. 493 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,480 Speaker 1: And once again we got a bunch of gifts from people. 494 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,680 Speaker 1: And these gifts were not cheap gifts. People bought bought 495 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,200 Speaker 1: gifts upwards of one hundred. 496 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,440 Speaker 2: Dollars, I mean, playpens, boxes, of Pam. 497 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: But remember what happened. 498 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,480 Speaker 3: We had to end up renting a U haul at 499 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:21,360 Speaker 3: the end of the party to get every game everything 500 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 3: back home to our apartment. 501 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 2: And then stuff was stacked up in our small apartment 502 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,479 Speaker 2: and we had duplicates forever, and there was a ton 503 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 2: of duplicates. 504 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: There was a ton of stuff, and it just took 505 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,600 Speaker 1: a lot of It took a lot, I remember, and 506 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: once we said, well, we already have a child, we 507 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,439 Speaker 1: don't necessarily need more baby stuff, but we could put 508 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 1: this money away in a five to twenty nine plan. 509 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,080 Speaker 1: So what we took was that seventy five hundred dollars. 510 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:43,800 Speaker 1: We took that money that we got from I'm gonna 511 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,479 Speaker 1: tell you how much money we made. But we had 512 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: enough people there we were able to make a couple 513 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,679 Speaker 1: of bands, and we started Cairo's five twenty nine plans 514 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,120 Speaker 1: the point that day with the money that he got 515 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,919 Speaker 1: from the gifts from the people, because we didn't need 516 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:55,640 Speaker 1: any more playpins. 517 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,480 Speaker 3: We already had that right and it's true, and it 518 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:58,840 Speaker 3: just made so much sense of was at the time. 519 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,440 Speaker 3: So of course, there were mixed reviews on it, because 520 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,120 Speaker 3: when you do something that's not traditional or undimensional. You're 521 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:04,880 Speaker 3: going to have the naysayers and people say, well, why 522 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 3: would they do that, that's tacky. How you're going to 523 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 3: ask me to pay to come to your baby shower. 524 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,159 Speaker 3: Well that was the mindset behind the entire thing, and 525 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 3: it was easy because there was no transporting of gifts. 526 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,199 Speaker 3: After everyone came, had a good time, we found out 527 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,159 Speaker 3: it was a boy. It was a memorable moment, and 528 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,200 Speaker 3: then you know, started Cairo's five twenty nine plan for 529 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 3: college that way. 530 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,920 Speaker 1: Also, when we sold the tickets for the baby shower, 531 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: we were able to get a lump sum of money 532 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,280 Speaker 1: which was able to put the money up front for 533 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:29,720 Speaker 1: because of course I was going to put the money 534 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,919 Speaker 1: up front anyway, but now you're not spending money when 535 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,960 Speaker 1: you're supposed to be saving money because you're having a child. 536 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 1: To put on a party so that people can bring 537 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: you gifts. We were able to use the sales from 538 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 1: the tickets to put money down on the alcohol, put 539 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: empty for the open bar, for the venue space, and 540 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 1: we were able to really put on a good party 541 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: for everyone. So it was just like listen, you guys 542 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: pay astronomical prices for tickets during this time. Anyway to 543 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: go to FETs. Why not fat in a place where 544 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 1: people that you're going to celebrate having a child, And 545 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 1: they were like, you know what, this makes sense. Plus, 546 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,239 Speaker 1: the seventy five dollars was less than what they were 547 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 1: going to pay on gifts, because most of the gifts 548 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,560 Speaker 1: we got from people were upwards of one hundred dollars. 549 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: They even bought a whole bunch of clothes. They either 550 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 1: gave us money for pampers or they were just buying 551 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,399 Speaker 1: random baby stuff that we already had. So for us, 552 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,760 Speaker 1: we took on that mindset of being fiscally responsible but 553 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 1: also using that commodity to put towards our child. I 554 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,960 Speaker 1: feel like, and I know saying it now sounds funny 555 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: that you would sell tickets to your wedding. No one's 556 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,919 Speaker 1: really going to sell tickets. I was joking about selling tickets, 557 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: but I was saying, is the idea of people understanding 558 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,440 Speaker 1: when they attend a wedding. And this goes back to 559 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 1: wedding culture being trash, knowing that when you are attending 560 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,440 Speaker 1: a wedding, you're attending an event in the show, and 561 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,880 Speaker 1: you should at least cover your plate, your date's plate, 562 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,960 Speaker 1: and give a gift because that's what you're there to 563 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: do is to celebrate. You're not there to just be entertained. 564 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,719 Speaker 1: And I'm telling you this idea that brides and grooms 565 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,919 Speaker 1: are supposed to go deep in their pockets to entertain 566 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: you on their wedding day is trash to me. And 567 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,879 Speaker 1: I hope people start. I hope we change that culture, 568 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:03,920 Speaker 1: like it has to change. 569 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,440 Speaker 3: It really has to change for the sake of like 570 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,679 Speaker 3: everyone coming up, because we're also going to have an 571 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 3: episode this season with talking Finances with our CPA financial advisor, 572 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,840 Speaker 3: Sean Sean Freeman of Morgan Stanley, and he's also going 573 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,360 Speaker 3: to give some tips about just getting that nest eggs started, 574 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 3: which is super important, and starting out in debt is 575 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,399 Speaker 3: never a good way to start a marriage. Some other 576 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:29,239 Speaker 3: fun facts about wedding traditions and ancient times. The ring 577 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:33,000 Speaker 3: finger was thought to contain a vein that is connected 578 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,200 Speaker 3: directly to the heart. I heard that one too that 579 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 3: I wonder if it really is a case bring And 580 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 3: the bridal party was originally for security, Oh wow. The 581 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 3: bridal party was seen as a decoy to protect the 582 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:50,399 Speaker 3: briting room from possible evil spirits. The wedding party was 583 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:54,400 Speaker 3: originally directed to dress just like the couple to confuse 584 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 3: evil spirits who might wish to harm the couple or 585 00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,640 Speaker 3: attempt to target them on their wedding day. 586 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 2: Interesting never do that. 587 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,399 Speaker 1: So I think it's important for people to understand the 588 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: history and the culture behind weddings so that not only 589 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 1: when you plan a wedding, but also when you attend 590 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,720 Speaker 1: a wedding or if you're in a bridal party, you 591 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: understand what's to go along with that, right, Because here's 592 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,639 Speaker 1: another thing with weddings. People, bridal parties be fucked up. 593 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,240 Speaker 1: People be feeling feeling slighted if they're not invited to 594 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: be a part of the bridal party. But then when 595 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 1: they're giving the bridal party responsibilities, oh my god, this 596 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,960 Speaker 1: is so much. This is so much. If you rock 597 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,960 Speaker 1: with me, if you're invested in my love story, right 598 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: and you accept to be part of my bridal party, 599 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:37,760 Speaker 1: don't tell me every step of the way that I'm 600 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 1: asking you to do too much. You could easily say. 601 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,760 Speaker 3: No with a couple of weddings that I was in recently, 602 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 3: and it's just like this person's your friend. Facts or 603 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 3: working as a makeup artist for years in the wedding industry, 604 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 3: let me tell you as a makeup artist or people 605 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,960 Speaker 3: working behind the scenes in the wedding, So I mean 606 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:59,240 Speaker 3: like the glam squad, hearing makeup, the photographer, Like we 607 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,680 Speaker 3: see sometimes the things that the bride may not be 608 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 3: picking up on on that day because of course she's 609 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 3: trying to live and exist in that moment with no care, 610 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 3: no worries. But then you'd be like, that's supposed to 611 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 3: be the maid of honor and her good friend that's 612 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,800 Speaker 3: acting like that, you know, the who's wedding? Is it? 613 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 2: Anyway? Lyne comes up because it's like, girl, you're making 614 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:20,560 Speaker 2: it more about you. 615 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 3: You then absolutely friend quote unquote, So yeah, you tend 616 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 3: to see a lot of that shadiness going on and 617 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:28,680 Speaker 3: people who have big falling. 618 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:31,080 Speaker 2: Outs and are no longer friends after weddings. 619 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 1: It happens on the groom side too, you know. You 620 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: you start the marriage process and dude's jockey to see 621 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 1: who's going to be the best man with the best 622 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: man becomes becomes. 623 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 2: Responsibilities, financial response, financial. 624 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:47,000 Speaker 1: Responsibilities, right, and then with everything that goes on before 625 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 1: the wedding, and also it's important to let people know 626 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 1: like you're not supposed to throw all of the financial 627 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,640 Speaker 1: responsibility on your wedding party either. 628 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 3: Either exactly, that's not cool because you can't have these 629 00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,840 Speaker 3: high hopes and dreams and expectations for the things that 630 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,120 Speaker 3: you want that are super lavish and over the top, 631 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 3: knowing good and well that your bridal party cannot afford 632 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 3: to do that. 633 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 2: That's just completely selfish too. 634 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 1: But once again it goes back to the wedding culture 635 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: being trash bro like all of the ideas behind weddings 636 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,320 Speaker 1: now is all about show all of the traditions and 637 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: the love and the responsibility is no longer there. It's 638 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 1: just all about I have to get this moment, and 639 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,080 Speaker 1: I have to capture this moment in order to be 640 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 1: on this bridal magazine or to have this many viral 641 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: viral moment, you know what I'm saying. And I feel 642 00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: like people are losing sight of what a wedding is 643 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,800 Speaker 1: supposed to be. And I want to implore a lot 644 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,080 Speaker 1: of young people who are choosing to get married, or 645 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,320 Speaker 1: even older people choosing to get married, don't get married 646 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 1: to please other people, but you get married to begin 647 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 1: a life with someone who you want to be of 648 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 1: service to for the rest of your life. And if 649 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,640 Speaker 1: you're thinking that, if that's your mindset, you have to 650 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: go into that process looking to also be of service, 651 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,840 Speaker 1: but also choose people and surround yourself with people to 652 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 1: be of service to you so that you don't have 653 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 1: to feel like you're being too much or being too 654 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 1: much of a burden. Right, And that's really what a 655 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,760 Speaker 1: wedding party is designed to create. It's designed to create 656 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 1: a community around the bride and the groom that's going 657 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,400 Speaker 1: to support them and push them into marriage with a 658 00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 1: nest egg and some comfort that everything is going to 659 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 1: be okay, not stress and debt. 660 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'll speak to on the converse side of things, 661 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:28,920 Speaker 3: that young girl who is now a woman who is 662 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 3: dreamt of her wedding day her entire life because I 663 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,239 Speaker 3: was that girl. I talk talk about it in our 664 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,640 Speaker 3: book We Over Me, you know, attending weddings as a 665 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,640 Speaker 3: kid and just like being so enamored by the entire 666 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 3: process of it, right by the gown and the day 667 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,320 Speaker 3: and the love. Like that's something that early on I 668 00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:54,479 Speaker 3: was like, Wow, I want something like this. You can 669 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,920 Speaker 3: have your basis, you can splurge, you can go into debt. 670 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,720 Speaker 3: No one's going to tell you otherwise if that's what 671 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,200 Speaker 3: you have your mind set on, because I know again 672 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:05,720 Speaker 3: twenty seven to twenty eight Rocadina, what that looked like. 673 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:11,040 Speaker 3: Just be prepared for the struggle after. Be prepared for 674 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 3: what it's going to look like to pull yourself out 675 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 3: of that hole. Be prepared to have to possibly move 676 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 3: back into someone's parents' house to build money up again. 677 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:24,800 Speaker 3: Be prepared to have to go into the old apartment 678 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,880 Speaker 3: that your husband's grandmother had for forty plus years, knowing 679 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 3: that that's where you're going to have to be for 680 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:34,160 Speaker 3: a couple of years to rebuild, or a decade or 681 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 3: a decade, right or a decade. 682 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:39,200 Speaker 1: Even then we got married twenty ten, we moved out twenty. 683 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 3: Nineteen years nine years of working and hustling to rebuild. 684 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,120 Speaker 3: And I won't say it was all the wedding that 685 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,080 Speaker 3: put us in that hole, because it's also to us 686 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 3: trying to build a next day having children, you know, 687 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 3: saying I'm not having any kids in this apartment, and 688 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,080 Speaker 3: then having three in the apartment, you know, because life 689 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 3: is going life, yes, but just be prepared for whatever 690 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:03,080 Speaker 3: you're walking into, knowing that okay, and not being placed 691 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,120 Speaker 3: in blame at that point now on your spouse or 692 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 3: anyone else. You have to accept responsibility for the situation 693 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,200 Speaker 3: that you put yourself in. And again, like I said, 694 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,560 Speaker 3: this is Maturecaden talking to Ya Nakadin ten years ago. 695 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 1: But sure, and I appreciate you saying that, but it 696 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 1: wasn't all just you neither, you know, thirty eight year 697 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,440 Speaker 1: old Devo speaking to twenty seven year old Devo. Well, 698 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 1: definitely say, dude, you don't have to live up to 699 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,960 Speaker 1: anyone else's expectations of what being a groom is. I 700 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:35,600 Speaker 1: did that. I definitely watched those platinum weddings. I definitely 701 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,080 Speaker 1: compared myself to my friends. I definitely felt like my 702 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 1: manhood was tied to what I could provide for my 703 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: wife on that day, right, And I put that day 704 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:48,600 Speaker 1: in front of eternity, right because I'm still trying to 705 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 1: think about what I'm going to provide for the rest 706 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,080 Speaker 1: of my life. But I was really focused on that day, 707 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 1: which to me was so shortsighted. You know. But also, 708 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 1: young man, once you make that decision, if you decide 709 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,760 Speaker 1: to spend that money, it is now on you to 710 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 1: not project your own insecurities and your anger for your 711 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,680 Speaker 1: own decisions you make on your bride when your life 712 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,520 Speaker 1: now isn't the way you expected it because you chose 713 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: to flaunt on that one day like it's this is me, 714 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,319 Speaker 1: thirty eight year old Devou speaking to twenty seven year 715 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 1: old DeVoe At the time, I was all for it, 716 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: that's it. 717 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,680 Speaker 3: And we did have advice from other people that said, man, 718 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,840 Speaker 3: wasting all that money on the wedding day like we 719 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 3: did have, you know, elders telling us yes, but you know, 720 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:29,120 Speaker 3: but they. 721 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:34,560 Speaker 1: Also were they also weren't as articulate and deliberate about 722 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,879 Speaker 1: why true. They just said, you don't want to spend 723 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:38,799 Speaker 1: all that money on one day and never explained why. 724 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,799 Speaker 1: You know, I want these young couples or older couples 725 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:45,239 Speaker 1: if you get married later, to understand why. Right. Part 726 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,719 Speaker 1: of a wedding plan, too, is to find out how 727 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:51,440 Speaker 1: you and your spouse communicate, Oh for sure, because this 728 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:53,520 Speaker 1: is another thing. Kadeen and I got married and then 729 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:58,640 Speaker 1: afterwards had so many differences of financial acumen, Like there 730 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,520 Speaker 1: were certain things Kadeen didn't know that I knew, and 731 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,160 Speaker 1: so many ways of life that I'm like, man, if 732 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,239 Speaker 1: we would have had these discussions before the wedding, we 733 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,279 Speaker 1: could have put ourselves in a better place. 734 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,680 Speaker 3: Like me not even knowing the details and the ins 735 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:11,360 Speaker 3: and outs about a credit card, like if you've listened 736 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,520 Speaker 3: to the Sherry Shepherd Show, or if you were at 737 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:17,439 Speaker 3: the live show in La the whole Beyonce story about 738 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,480 Speaker 3: the tickets, Like it's me saying like, oh, a credit card, 739 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,719 Speaker 3: there's available money there. I'm paid off when I get 740 00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:25,120 Speaker 3: a chance to not realizing that I wasn't even operating 741 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:28,440 Speaker 3: in a space with the business acumen or the financial 742 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,960 Speaker 3: acumen to know like, girl, you cannot do this. And 743 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 3: that caused so many rifts and arguments with us, you know, 744 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:36,440 Speaker 3: and those the things that forced us to have the 745 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,839 Speaker 3: conversation while being married, which is why we say those 746 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,360 Speaker 3: first five years of our marriage was trash, Yes, but. 747 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,160 Speaker 2: I guess I can't even really say it was trash. 748 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,320 Speaker 3: Those were like teachable learning moments for us, so we 749 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,919 Speaker 3: can't really, you know, regard that as a trash moment 750 00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 3: in our marriage. It really was just a time that 751 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 3: we had to learn the hard way, and you know, 752 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,120 Speaker 3: we came out on top, thankfully. So we're just trying 753 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 3: to give y'all, you know, our little two so that 754 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:03,480 Speaker 3: you can, well, I'll do at least have that perspective. 755 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: I do want to give them like an alternative, right, Say, 756 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,720 Speaker 1: say you're your two people who both make six figures, 757 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,239 Speaker 1: so collectively you make about a quarter million dollars. And 758 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,440 Speaker 1: the reason why I music is because we grew up 759 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,960 Speaker 1: in New York. You know, most people in New York 760 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:24,800 Speaker 1: can't even survive if you make less than six figures. 761 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:27,239 Speaker 1: It's that difficult, Like everything is so expensive living in 762 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:30,799 Speaker 1: a metropolis, and the city is difficult. So and let's 763 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: be clear, most people in America don't make six figures. 764 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: But just for the sake of it, let's say they're 765 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,480 Speaker 1: both making about one to twenty five. That puts you 766 00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,920 Speaker 1: at two hundred and fifty k for the year. This 767 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,800 Speaker 1: is how I would get married because when we got married, 768 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,200 Speaker 1: I was in the NFL and I was making the 769 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,879 Speaker 1: league minimum and going into my thirty I had made 770 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:54,960 Speaker 1: First year, I made two to seventy five. Second year 771 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,640 Speaker 1: I made three to fifty thirty, I was making four 772 00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 1: twenty five lost most of it, most of it in 773 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:03,319 Speaker 1: the stock market. But say you're making a quarter million dollars, 774 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:04,719 Speaker 1: because people thinks is a lot of money. Oh, it's 775 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,239 Speaker 1: quarter million. That's a lot of money, is not because 776 00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:07,600 Speaker 1: if you make a quarter million dollars, that means it 777 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:09,680 Speaker 1: going to tax you high, which means you're only really 778 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:10,360 Speaker 1: going to walk. 779 00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:10,719 Speaker 3: Away with. 780 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,799 Speaker 1: One sixty five one sixty five. And if you break 781 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:19,160 Speaker 1: down one hundred and sixty five k over twelve months, 782 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,200 Speaker 1: that's a little over ten thousand dollars a month. And 783 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,400 Speaker 1: if you live in New York, rent is going to 784 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:27,359 Speaker 1: be at least on a low end. If you live 785 00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:30,520 Speaker 1: in live in New York, long win three thousand dollars. Right, 786 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:33,279 Speaker 1: So now you're working with seven thousand dollars. If you 787 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 1: have a carn Right insurance and insurance that's another no, 788 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,080 Speaker 1: that's another fifteen hundred. So now you're working with fifty 789 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 1: five hundred dollars a month. You still got to eat, 790 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:44,480 Speaker 1: still want to you know what I'm saying. So right 791 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,919 Speaker 1: now you're realizing than that quarter million dollars went away 792 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:48,280 Speaker 1: very very fast. 793 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,680 Speaker 2: You have kids, forget it, childcare, this miscellaneous. 794 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,920 Speaker 1: So say you don't want to spend one hundred k 795 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:56,880 Speaker 1: on a wedding for one day, this is what I 796 00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:02,840 Speaker 1: would do. I would plan the grandest honeymoon, the grandest 797 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:04,920 Speaker 1: honeymoon for me and my wife. If this is me 798 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,239 Speaker 1: and Kadeen right now, taking two hundred and fifty k, 799 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:11,520 Speaker 1: I plan probably a twenty thousand dollars honeymoon, and on 800 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 1: that honeymoon, we will have our nuptials and we will 801 00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:16,840 Speaker 1: get married. And I will tell all of the people 802 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,719 Speaker 1: who rock with us, just the people rock with us, 803 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,560 Speaker 1: we're going to stay here. For example, say we're going 804 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:26,160 Speaker 1: to go on to French Riviera and we're going to 805 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:30,520 Speaker 1: spend ten days just traveling Europe. Or say we're gonna 806 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,800 Speaker 1: go We're gonna know what, We're gonna go to South Africa. 807 00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:36,640 Speaker 1: We're gonna spend ten days just traveling South Africa. Right 808 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,799 Speaker 1: now we're here, we're telling all of our friends. We're 809 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,920 Speaker 1: not putting the pressure on our friends to join us. 810 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:44,160 Speaker 1: It's just, hey, this is what we're doing. If you 811 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:45,879 Speaker 1: want to be a part of it, you can't. We're 812 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,320 Speaker 1: gonna do our nuptials there. If you want to be 813 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,440 Speaker 1: a part of it, we'll give them a year in advance. 814 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,359 Speaker 1: Tell them this is where we're staying. If you want 815 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:53,560 Speaker 1: to be a part of it, lets us know. We'll 816 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,359 Speaker 1: get a room block and y'all can join, but they'll 817 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:57,960 Speaker 1: be responsible to pay to join that part of it. 818 00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:00,239 Speaker 1: We're not gonna pay for everybody to come. We're just 819 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,040 Speaker 1: letting you know where we're going. Then I will take 820 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,400 Speaker 1: an additional thirty thousand dollars and I will plan, so 821 00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:10,480 Speaker 1: now we're at fifty k, I will plan something at 822 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:14,440 Speaker 1: home in New York that's going to be cocktail our type, 823 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,880 Speaker 1: not sit down, not going to cost one hundred to 824 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,600 Speaker 1: one hundred and fifty dollars per plate. But people can 825 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:25,360 Speaker 1: come get some finger fools, dope, DJ videographer, photographer, invite 826 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,440 Speaker 1: my friends and family, about two hundred people, and that 827 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:30,799 Speaker 1: will be it. And I will say, listen, for all 828 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:32,440 Speaker 1: of you who want to celebrate with us when we 829 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,480 Speaker 1: come back, you can celebrate with us here. It's going 830 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,600 Speaker 1: to be a nice spot. It's a thirty thousand dollars party. 831 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,440 Speaker 1: Then I'm still throwing for everyone. If you want to 832 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 1: bring a. 833 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:42,440 Speaker 2: Gift, it'll just be like a reception pretty much. Absolutely 834 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,200 Speaker 2: so it's like you have the ceremony. 835 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 3: You know abroad with whoever immediately decides to be when 836 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,560 Speaker 3: I say meeting immediate families, for closest friends, and then 837 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:54,520 Speaker 3: coming back to having reception, So literally, y'all's entrance into 838 00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,200 Speaker 3: the reception would be as if people were at the 839 00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,200 Speaker 3: ceremony forehand exactly. 840 00:39:58,280 --> 00:39:59,040 Speaker 2: Then yeah, I like that. 841 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:02,319 Speaker 1: And the reason Mary thousand, do you won't be married again? 842 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:05,000 Speaker 1: I got you marry you always want to get married. 843 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:08,239 Speaker 1: The way I came up with the fifty thousand dollars 844 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,000 Speaker 1: to spend for a wedding at two hundred and fifty 845 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,239 Speaker 1: K was based on if we get engaged and we 846 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:17,400 Speaker 1: spend two years planning, because most people planning and saving, right, 847 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:20,040 Speaker 1: So now you got two years planning and saving. Two 848 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:24,200 Speaker 1: years is twenty four months. If you two collectively can 849 00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:28,879 Speaker 1: save two thousand dollars a month over twenty four months, 850 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:32,640 Speaker 1: that's forty eight thousand dollars. And I think that that's modest. 851 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:34,720 Speaker 1: I save a thousand a month. You save one thousand 852 00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:37,479 Speaker 1: dollars a month, and we put that aside, and every 853 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,439 Speaker 1: month once you gain, if you have a little extra, 854 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:41,359 Speaker 1: you throw a little extra in there. But you can 855 00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:45,040 Speaker 1: save fifty thousand dollars over the course of two years, 856 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:45,319 Speaker 1: and you. 857 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:46,959 Speaker 3: Might even use all of that because you think about 858 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:49,480 Speaker 3: for a cocktail party, was saying Tom bar not having 859 00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:51,840 Speaker 3: to do a sit down per person for head perplate 860 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:53,040 Speaker 3: serving type situation. 861 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:55,359 Speaker 2: That could totally be a vibe too. 862 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,800 Speaker 1: And the party doesn't have to be extremely long. The 863 00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:01,920 Speaker 1: reception only has to be say receptions for weddingxibltly last what. 864 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,680 Speaker 2: Maney three three hours, three hours, four hours. 865 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,440 Speaker 1: Three or four hours? So if it's four hours. So 866 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,480 Speaker 1: if you get a venue space for four hours and 867 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,880 Speaker 1: you get it on an off time and it's not 868 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,360 Speaker 1: a wedding, you just want to throw a party for 869 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,480 Speaker 1: a venue space, throw a party, it's not going to 870 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,000 Speaker 1: be the same. Once you go to these spaces, say 871 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,400 Speaker 1: you're having a wedding, all the price is shoot up. 872 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:20,560 Speaker 1: So you don't tell them you're having a wedding. You 873 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,160 Speaker 1: tell me having a cocktail party, you know. And then 874 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:26,040 Speaker 1: from there, within that budget, you can decide what's more important. 875 00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:29,160 Speaker 1: Is it the roses or the type of food? Is 876 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:30,799 Speaker 1: it going to be the lighting or is it going 877 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:32,840 Speaker 1: to be the dejit. You see what I'm saying, And 878 00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,799 Speaker 1: that's how I would do it, because then you don't 879 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,640 Speaker 1: have to put yourself in a deficit, and you can 880 00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:38,480 Speaker 1: invite people and if they don't bring a gift, you're 881 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,239 Speaker 1: fine because I budgeted this money anyway, and we can 882 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,959 Speaker 1: still live our life afterwards. But if you spend thirty 883 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:47,160 Speaker 1: thousand and you invited two hundred people, and two hundred people, 884 00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:50,799 Speaker 1: now bring in one hundred dollars. Now you get twenty 885 00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:53,279 Speaker 1: thousand dollars back. You see what I'm saying. And now 886 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,840 Speaker 1: that twenty thousand dollars can go towards paying the venue, 887 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,160 Speaker 1: or since that was money you saved anywhere, you can 888 00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:00,920 Speaker 1: put that twenty thousand dollars into a plan for a 889 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:02,879 Speaker 1: retirement for you and your wife, or you can put 890 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,440 Speaker 1: it in for your first child. This is going to 891 00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,359 Speaker 1: start their five to twenty nine plan. But that's how 892 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:10,279 Speaker 1: I would do my wedding. Now, Like I said, this 893 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,839 Speaker 1: is mature, thirty year old de Vo. I'm not saying 894 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:15,360 Speaker 1: that if you don't do this, you're an imbecile. This 895 00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,160 Speaker 1: twenty seven year old Devo spent seventy five thousand dollars 896 00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:19,920 Speaker 1: for a one day party. And Kadeen and I went 897 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,880 Speaker 1: back to the apartment, sat at the edge of the 898 00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:24,239 Speaker 1: bed and Case said, I hate it here. 899 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:28,880 Speaker 3: Literally, you're right after the honeymoon. But we couldn't even 900 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,360 Speaker 3: afford a honeymoon. My grandmother sent us to your grandmother 901 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,600 Speaker 3: sent us to to grandma. She was applying because yes, 902 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,399 Speaker 3: Grandma brothers two and came home as three. 903 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:35,960 Speaker 4: Yes. 904 00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:40,000 Speaker 3: Maybe all right, y'all, We hope that this helps some 905 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:42,400 Speaker 3: of y'all out there, just to give perspective. Again, we're 906 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,680 Speaker 3: not preaching or professing to know the right way to 907 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:45,360 Speaker 3: do anything. 908 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:47,120 Speaker 2: We're just hoping to. 909 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,399 Speaker 3: Give perspective like we always do to y'all, especially those 910 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,160 Speaker 3: who are looking and aspire to marriage, because you know, 911 00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:54,640 Speaker 3: we are proponents of marriage. 912 00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:55,920 Speaker 2: If that's keep getting. 913 00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:59,280 Speaker 1: Married, keep getting married. I hope people know the black 914 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:05,280 Speaker 1: dollar the fastest through inheritance and for people whn't understand 915 00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:07,440 Speaker 1: what that means is that you build generational wealth by 916 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:09,920 Speaker 1: being married, having your children have the same name, and 917 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,320 Speaker 1: passing down all the wealth that you accrue to your children, 918 00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:14,160 Speaker 1: and then they do the same thing and they pass 919 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:15,080 Speaker 1: it down to their children. 920 00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:16,040 Speaker 2: That just giving a moment of truth. 921 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,520 Speaker 1: That's how most families pass down wealth through marriage. So 922 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:21,560 Speaker 1: that's why marriage is so important. So we employ our 923 00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:24,759 Speaker 1: to keep getting married. If that suits you, sure don't 924 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:26,720 Speaker 1: run away from it because the wedding may be scary. 925 00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:28,160 Speaker 2: That's it, all right, y'all. 926 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,080 Speaker 3: We are going to take a quick break and get 927 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,479 Speaker 3: back into listening letters after we pay some bills stick 928 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:45,160 Speaker 3: around already we are back to listener letters. Who this 929 00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:47,200 Speaker 3: one looks like a loan when I do ze. Okay, 930 00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:50,880 Speaker 3: Dear de Valencadeen, longtime listener, first time writer, Hello, welcome 931 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:53,319 Speaker 3: First I'd like to say that I really enjoy your 932 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,680 Speaker 3: podcast and can admit I look up to your marriage 933 00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,560 Speaker 3: in the way that you guys perceived openness and bonding 934 00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:01,640 Speaker 3: with each other are things I mirror in my marriage. 935 00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:05,520 Speaker 3: For that all right to the point of my letter. 936 00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,640 Speaker 3: I've been married to my wife for nine years this May, 937 00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:11,120 Speaker 3: and we've been together for ten years now. We've always 938 00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,560 Speaker 3: had open conversations and at the same time, I've probably 939 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,839 Speaker 3: been too open with some of my thoughts. We've both 940 00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:19,359 Speaker 3: grown a lot together and the relationship is working great 941 00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:23,400 Speaker 3: because we both do the work. My issue is dealing 942 00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:25,840 Speaker 3: with us having differences of opinion on the topic of 943 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,600 Speaker 3: social media friends and real life friends. My wife is 944 00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,839 Speaker 3: super friendly and can meet someone today and treat them 945 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:34,160 Speaker 3: like she's known them for years. My issue is that 946 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:36,840 Speaker 3: I am the complete opposite, and friendship for me is 947 00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,759 Speaker 3: a privilege that's earned because I do a lot for 948 00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:42,279 Speaker 3: a friend, so it takes a lot for me to 949 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:43,920 Speaker 3: get it. Takes a lot for them to get that 950 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:44,279 Speaker 3: from me. 951 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:45,000 Speaker 1: I get it. 952 00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:48,440 Speaker 3: My problem with her is that I take her nature 953 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:52,640 Speaker 3: to be friendly mainly to men, which can be innocent naivety, 954 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:56,279 Speaker 3: as seeking attention or leading, because at times she makes 955 00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:59,840 Speaker 3: herself too available. One example is from an argument we 956 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:03,000 Speaker 3: had recently where I had questioned her about adding someone 957 00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:06,640 Speaker 3: on Instagram who we both knew through his brother and 958 00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:10,880 Speaker 3: would react and would react to each other's reels or stories. 959 00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:16,080 Speaker 3: I didn't see any conversations, just quick emojis or messages. No, 960 00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:18,440 Speaker 3: I didn't go through her phone. She just showed me 961 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:22,680 Speaker 3: something he said, and that's where the discussion started. My 962 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:26,600 Speaker 3: opinion is that with opening up access to her DMS 963 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,960 Speaker 3: to a person that while yes we know of oh 964 00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:32,239 Speaker 3: someone I don't know like that, to be comfortable with 965 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:36,719 Speaker 3: you having private availability to not that she couldn't have 966 00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:39,040 Speaker 3: male friends from the past that she could have innocent 967 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,680 Speaker 3: interactions with on social media from time to time. 968 00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:48,040 Speaker 2: But I do not support the notion that she's starts 969 00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,799 Speaker 2: reforming me. Okay, I know men, and I know how 970 00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:54,360 Speaker 2: some of us can be but I wanted to know that. 971 00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:56,719 Speaker 2: I just want to know that you all thought the 972 00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:59,279 Speaker 2: Oh God, I just want I can't read today, y'all. 973 00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:01,920 Speaker 2: I just want to know what you guys thought of 974 00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:02,759 Speaker 2: the topic. 975 00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:06,400 Speaker 3: Or situation and give me other perspectives and my friends 976 00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:08,759 Speaker 3: who mostly agree with me. I don't know if I 977 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:09,839 Speaker 3: explained it clear enough. 978 00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:10,839 Speaker 1: You did, You did. 979 00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:14,719 Speaker 3: I just can't read, but hopefully you get it. Not 980 00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:20,440 Speaker 3: trying to completely control my woman's life, but I do 981 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,600 Speaker 3: think that as a married man, we should have a 982 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,080 Speaker 3: level of sway or influence in our wives think and 983 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,000 Speaker 3: how we think our wives. 984 00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:27,800 Speaker 1: No, we shouldn't. 985 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:31,040 Speaker 3: Okay, we should have a level of swey or influence 986 00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:33,400 Speaker 3: in how our wives think and operate. No, we should 987 00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,000 Speaker 3: not always willing to learn. At least he's always willing 988 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:36,359 Speaker 3: to learn. 989 00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:40,400 Speaker 1: And I and here's the biggest thing, right, I understand 990 00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:45,040 Speaker 1: his perspective, I honestly do. But here's the truth. The 991 00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:49,399 Speaker 1: freedom in being married to someone is knowing that they're 992 00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:53,320 Speaker 1: choosing you because they're choosing it every day, not because 993 00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:56,479 Speaker 1: you're controlling who's in their DMS. You see what I'm saying. 994 00:46:56,719 --> 00:47:00,680 Speaker 1: So for me, it's like you can't really control the woman. 995 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:02,520 Speaker 1: You can tell the woman don't have many in your DMS. 996 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,799 Speaker 1: You know what you'll do, She'll get what's app then 997 00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:06,960 Speaker 1: she'll talk to men do what's app. Like, if someone 998 00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:10,319 Speaker 1: wants to have access to other people, they're gonna find 999 00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:12,439 Speaker 1: ways to have access to other people, and you're gonna 1000 00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:16,080 Speaker 1: lose your mind trying to control how they get access 1001 00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:20,520 Speaker 1: to other people. For me, and maybe this just be 1002 00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:23,719 Speaker 1: me or maybe my own arrogance, I feel like my 1003 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,319 Speaker 1: wife chooses me because she wants to be in love 1004 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:28,000 Speaker 1: with Devoal and be with de vou. 1005 00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:31,000 Speaker 3: So regardless of like side conversations, it doesn't matter, it 1006 00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:31,520 Speaker 3: doesn't matter. 1007 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:35,200 Speaker 1: You could you could be in a giving exam. It 1008 00:47:35,239 --> 00:47:37,360 Speaker 1: could be, well, he's married to I don't want to 1009 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:41,040 Speaker 1: use him. But who's a single guy that everyone is 1010 00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:44,960 Speaker 1: loving right now? Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan, I honestly 1011 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:46,839 Speaker 1: feel like I don't have to tell you I don't 1012 00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:48,520 Speaker 1: want you talking to Michael B. Jordan and your and 1013 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:50,560 Speaker 1: your DMS because if you're gonna want to do that, 1014 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:52,759 Speaker 1: you're gonna find a way to do that anyway. And 1015 00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:54,840 Speaker 1: me just saying Michael B. Jordan can't talk to you 1016 00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:56,719 Speaker 1: in your DMS doesn't mean that he's not gonna find 1017 00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:58,839 Speaker 1: a way. Right. We may be out of an event 1018 00:47:58,920 --> 00:48:01,839 Speaker 1: and you may run into someone. I can't control any 1019 00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:03,160 Speaker 1: of that, So why am I going to put that 1020 00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:05,040 Speaker 1: in my mind that I can if I limit you, 1021 00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:07,319 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, But that also shows your 1022 00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:10,319 Speaker 1: insecurity because I also don't want to be limited either. 1023 00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,600 Speaker 1: Because here's the real deal. There are women who are 1024 00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,719 Speaker 1: in powerful positions who may be able to help me 1025 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:17,960 Speaker 1: further something for my family, one of my sons, my 1026 00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,320 Speaker 1: own career. But now I have to limit how I 1027 00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:23,680 Speaker 1: interact with this person because my wife may find issue 1028 00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:26,920 Speaker 1: with how we interacted. For example, we went on the 1029 00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:30,839 Speaker 1: Sherry shepperd show. Sherry don't have my cell phone number? Right? 1030 00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:34,279 Speaker 1: You know what she did through DMS. Hey, Deval, I'm 1031 00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:36,600 Speaker 1: wondering if you and Kadeen are interested in blah blah 1032 00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:38,759 Speaker 1: blah blah blah. What if you were the type to 1033 00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,960 Speaker 1: be like, Oh, Sherry Shepherd hit you in your DMS? 1034 00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:42,840 Speaker 1: Or is that you better not answer? You know what 1035 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,880 Speaker 1: I'm saying. Now, we've limited an opportunity for us to 1036 00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:49,560 Speaker 1: grow a relationship with someone who has nothing but good 1037 00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:52,560 Speaker 1: intentions because I'm so concerned with you or my wife 1038 00:48:52,640 --> 00:48:54,800 Speaker 1: may not like the fact that Sherry hit my DMS. 1039 00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:56,800 Speaker 1: You know what if I ignore that DM because I 1040 00:48:56,840 --> 00:48:58,040 Speaker 1: don't want my wife to see it, you know what 1041 00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:01,280 Speaker 1: I'm saying. I feel like to anology is always evolving. 1042 00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:03,399 Speaker 1: At one point, it was don't get people your phone number. 1043 00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:05,799 Speaker 1: Then when emails became big, I don't want nobody having 1044 00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:07,680 Speaker 1: my wife email. Now DMS is big. I don't want 1045 00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:10,200 Speaker 1: nobody having my wife emails. Don't text my wife. People 1046 00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,560 Speaker 1: communicate different ways. Once you start putting barriers on how 1047 00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:16,960 Speaker 1: people communicate, you're limiting your opportunities. If that's your wife, 1048 00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:19,040 Speaker 1: you have to use discernment to know that I can 1049 00:49:19,120 --> 00:49:22,120 Speaker 1: trust this woman regardless of who's reaching out to her. 1050 00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:23,080 Speaker 1: And that's how I feel about it. 1051 00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,120 Speaker 3: And the way your wife treats friends does not have 1052 00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:26,919 Speaker 3: to be synonymous with the way you treat your friends. 1053 00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:27,839 Speaker 2: You said she's super friendly. 1054 00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:29,640 Speaker 3: She may act like she knows somebody for years, that's 1055 00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:31,640 Speaker 3: just meeting someone because that's just her spirit and that's 1056 00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:34,080 Speaker 3: her energy. You've married this woman for a reason, so 1057 00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,239 Speaker 3: I would hope that you trust her judgment, you trust 1058 00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:39,799 Speaker 3: her discernment, and like you said, you understand how men 1059 00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:41,640 Speaker 3: can be and people gonna be people the same way 1060 00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:44,640 Speaker 3: women will be women. You have to then put the 1061 00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,160 Speaker 3: onus on your wife to then make the decision and 1062 00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:50,000 Speaker 3: no better. And that's something that you can't control either way. 1063 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,560 Speaker 3: So you can't control your wife. 1064 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:52,359 Speaker 2: You can't. 1065 00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:54,320 Speaker 3: I mean it seems like you want to, but you 1066 00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,239 Speaker 3: can't control your wife and you can't control who's in 1067 00:49:56,320 --> 00:50:00,040 Speaker 3: her DMS either. What you can then rely on and 1068 00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:01,560 Speaker 3: like you said, you haven't checked her phone, so you 1069 00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:03,719 Speaker 3: may not know, but you have to rely on what 1070 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:06,960 Speaker 3: her interaction is looking like, you know, because she could 1071 00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:09,920 Speaker 3: very well be like curving. People can pay you compliments 1072 00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:12,360 Speaker 3: all day, but if you're not feeding into that, or 1073 00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:14,279 Speaker 3: you're not replying, or you're not engaging in that kind 1074 00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,600 Speaker 3: of conversation, then what exactly is a problem? You know? 1075 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:20,239 Speaker 1: No, you're absolutely right. I think his biggest issue is 1076 00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,359 Speaker 1: not even really the DMS. It's him not understanding how 1077 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,279 Speaker 1: far things can go with his wife if she makes 1078 00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:27,920 Speaker 1: herself too vulnerable. And my thing is that's a bigger 1079 00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,120 Speaker 1: problem than the DMS. If you don't trust, if you 1080 00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,960 Speaker 1: don't trust your wife to go to work or have 1081 00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,560 Speaker 1: a DM or have a conversation or build a friendship. 1082 00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,160 Speaker 1: Then that's a conversation you need to have, not limit 1083 00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:42,320 Speaker 1: who she talks to in her DMS or on social 1084 00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:44,719 Speaker 1: media period. And here's the truth, bro, you sound like 1085 00:50:44,760 --> 00:50:46,840 Speaker 1: a dude who's willing to do the work to figure 1086 00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,600 Speaker 1: out how to live in this space. And you're asking 1087 00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:50,840 Speaker 1: the right questions. 1088 00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:52,160 Speaker 3: Right because as I was looking at you, you say 1089 00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:54,160 Speaker 3: he's willing to learn, but he also says that he 1090 00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:55,920 Speaker 3: feels like, as a married man, he should have a 1091 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:58,400 Speaker 3: level of swear influence in how she thinks and operates. 1092 00:50:58,719 --> 00:51:01,759 Speaker 2: You can't do that, sir, No, you can't do that. 1093 00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:05,000 Speaker 3: But a healthy conversation can be had about the way 1094 00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:06,840 Speaker 3: you feel, because I think it's valid for you to 1095 00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:09,799 Speaker 3: feel the way you feel, but also to getting her 1096 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,000 Speaker 3: perspective and seeing you know, why does she feel the 1097 00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:14,759 Speaker 3: need to or want to have these conversations with people 1098 00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:17,360 Speaker 3: on social media? Because right now it's a thing in 1099 00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:21,680 Speaker 3: this culture where people aren't necessarily calling someone directly on 1100 00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:25,319 Speaker 3: the phone, texting them directly. A lot of times, it's 1101 00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:29,480 Speaker 3: like via social media you acknowledge certain things. For example, 1102 00:51:29,719 --> 00:51:32,759 Speaker 3: Crystal hayslet shout out to Crystal from Davalos Co star 1103 00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:35,640 Speaker 3: and Satima sends both of us in the Floral arrangement 1104 00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:39,279 Speaker 3: to say congratulations on the tour and everything. And then 1105 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:41,520 Speaker 3: I immediately, just because it came and I had my 1106 00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:43,400 Speaker 3: phone in my hand, I did a quick Instagram story 1107 00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:46,200 Speaker 3: and then thanked Crystal on it, and then I was 1108 00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:48,040 Speaker 3: just like, that was so impersonal, Like I need to 1109 00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,400 Speaker 3: call her directly. So I facetimed her after we finished 1110 00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,120 Speaker 3: recording the podcast, and I was like, hey, Sis, I 1111 00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:54,000 Speaker 3: know I'll posted on social media to say thank you, 1112 00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:55,959 Speaker 3: but the culture now is to put it on social 1113 00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:58,920 Speaker 3: media before we actually call someone directly. So I was like, hey, 1114 00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:02,040 Speaker 3: I was going to call you to say thank you 1115 00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:05,600 Speaker 3: to you face to face in a FaceTime versus just 1116 00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:08,000 Speaker 3: assuming that social media is the way to connect. 1117 00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:09,680 Speaker 2: That can be very impersonal too. 1118 00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:12,120 Speaker 3: Absolutely so to your wife, she may think like, oh, 1119 00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,200 Speaker 3: it's impersonal because it's just a DM on social media, 1120 00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,600 Speaker 3: Like nobody really, you know, has access to me like that. 1121 00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:19,799 Speaker 3: It's it's it's access that I seek if I check 1122 00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:21,919 Speaker 3: my DMS. If you don't check your DMS, you don't 1123 00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:24,320 Speaker 3: have access to that. Whereas if someone has direct contact 1124 00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:26,560 Speaker 3: to your phone number, then that's a little bit more personal. 1125 00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:29,040 Speaker 3: So I think it's worth having the conversation with your 1126 00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:31,480 Speaker 3: wife if it makes you that uncomfortable. But please don't 1127 00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,200 Speaker 3: be out here trying to control her either. 1128 00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,200 Speaker 1: Yeah I was, I was gonna touch on that, And 1129 00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:37,040 Speaker 1: I don't think he's doing this purposely. I don't. I 1130 00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,600 Speaker 1: think when he says we should have a level of 1131 00:52:39,719 --> 00:52:42,600 Speaker 1: sway or influence in how our wives think and operate, 1132 00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:47,680 Speaker 1: that's very misogynistic, as if she can't operate or think 1133 00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:51,000 Speaker 1: on her own, and you deserve the right to have that. 1134 00:52:51,239 --> 00:52:53,520 Speaker 1: This is this is how it should sound. I would 1135 00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:58,520 Speaker 1: hope that my wife values my opinion enough to make 1136 00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:02,200 Speaker 1: her own have a conversation, and when we have this conversation, 1137 00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:05,120 Speaker 1: she'll make a decision that will not only include what 1138 00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:08,040 Speaker 1: she wants and desires, but also what I want and desire, 1139 00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:10,360 Speaker 1: because that's the same way I want my wife. My 1140 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,840 Speaker 1: wife Kadeen will never in her life be able to 1141 00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:15,120 Speaker 1: just tell me you can't do this because I said so. 1142 00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:17,279 Speaker 1: And I will never be able to tell her that. 1143 00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:19,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to be able to tell her that. 1144 00:53:19,640 --> 00:53:22,480 Speaker 1: The most freeing thing for me as a man, like 1145 00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:25,560 Speaker 1: what makes me feel like a man. Is not the 1146 00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:28,239 Speaker 1: fact that I tell my wife what to do. What 1147 00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:30,759 Speaker 1: makes me feel like a man is that my wife 1148 00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:33,839 Speaker 1: chooses to listen to what I say when I offer 1149 00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:37,320 Speaker 1: my opinion, exactly the same way I choose to listen 1150 00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:40,839 Speaker 1: to my wife when she offers her opinion. Hey, we're 1151 00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:42,719 Speaker 1: not the type of couple that K be like, my 1152 00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:45,320 Speaker 1: man ain't doing this because I told him he ain't. No, 1153 00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:47,799 Speaker 1: KY will be like, I'm gonna talk to the vout 1154 00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:50,120 Speaker 1: if he's interested in this. And if Kay express to 1155 00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:52,840 Speaker 1: me that she don't like something or she don't feel comfortable, 1156 00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:54,840 Speaker 1: then it's up to me to be like, well, is 1157 00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,040 Speaker 1: this really important to me that I want to put 1158 00:53:57,120 --> 00:53:59,839 Speaker 1: my wife in a place of displeasure? And if it's 1159 00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:02,320 Speaker 1: not that important to me, I'm not doing that in it. 1160 00:54:02,480 --> 00:54:04,160 Speaker 1: But if it's important, it's like, Babe, this is why 1161 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:06,520 Speaker 1: it's important, and I want to rock with it. And 1162 00:54:06,760 --> 00:54:08,600 Speaker 1: most of the time, kble Hey, if it's that important 1163 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:08,799 Speaker 1: to you. 1164 00:54:09,280 --> 00:54:09,680 Speaker 3: Go with it. 1165 00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:12,719 Speaker 1: But we're never gonna do anything that disrespects each other. 1166 00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:15,640 Speaker 1: But we also don't control each other. Because I feel 1167 00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:18,680 Speaker 1: my manliest when I wake up and she's there because 1168 00:54:18,719 --> 00:54:20,920 Speaker 1: she wants to be not because I'm making her be here. 1169 00:54:21,080 --> 00:54:21,640 Speaker 2: That's a fact. 1170 00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:24,880 Speaker 1: I hope that helps my God. But also this is 1171 00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:27,800 Speaker 1: a great question and it also shows his vulnerability to 1172 00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:29,640 Speaker 1: say this is how I think. Let me know what 1173 00:54:29,719 --> 00:54:30,799 Speaker 1: you think because I'm willing to learn. 1174 00:54:30,840 --> 00:54:33,600 Speaker 2: So shout out to you a b Thank you for that. 1175 00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:34,279 Speaker 2: All right? 1176 00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,680 Speaker 1: Number two, Hello Kadeen and Duva. I would like to 1177 00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:39,960 Speaker 1: remain anonymous. No problem. Me and my wife have been 1178 00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:40,520 Speaker 1: those two guys. 1179 00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:41,000 Speaker 3: What's up? 1180 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:42,759 Speaker 1: Me and my wife have been together for six years, 1181 00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:45,120 Speaker 1: married for two years. When we first started dating, we 1182 00:54:45,239 --> 00:54:48,200 Speaker 1: had sex two times a week, sometimes three, but the 1183 00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:50,520 Speaker 1: past year that has greatly declined to maybe once a 1184 00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:53,520 Speaker 1: week or once every two weeks, to sometimes once every 1185 00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:56,160 Speaker 1: three weeks. She does not initiate sex. I always do. 1186 00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:58,600 Speaker 1: I would love for her to do. I would love 1187 00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:01,520 Speaker 1: for her too, but she never. We will spend time 1188 00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:04,000 Speaker 1: together watching TV, and she will perfectly find not saying 1189 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:06,680 Speaker 1: she's tired or not feeling well. The moment we hit 1190 00:55:06,719 --> 00:55:08,799 Speaker 1: the bedroom door, all of a sudden, she's too tired 1191 00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:11,400 Speaker 1: or not feeling well. We don't have any kids, and 1192 00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:13,680 Speaker 1: I'm up and at work before she is, and I 1193 00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:16,080 Speaker 1: work longer hours than she does, and yet she's always 1194 00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:19,240 Speaker 1: Then we have the same issue, always the one tired 1195 00:55:19,320 --> 00:55:21,520 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden does not feel good. I 1196 00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:24,000 Speaker 1: do pretty much everything from the cooking to cleaning clothes, 1197 00:55:24,080 --> 00:55:26,000 Speaker 1: but yet I still find time for her, but it 1198 00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:28,400 Speaker 1: feels like it's not being paid back. Is there a 1199 00:55:28,480 --> 00:55:30,680 Speaker 1: way to handle this situation or do I need to 1200 00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:31,480 Speaker 1: just let things be? 1201 00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:33,239 Speaker 3: Well? 1202 00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,120 Speaker 1: This is the first thing, man, this is the first 1203 00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:38,120 Speaker 1: thing I will say. I don't know if they're on 1204 00:55:38,239 --> 00:55:40,680 Speaker 1: birth control, because the first thing I'm thinking of is 1205 00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:43,719 Speaker 1: they don't have kids. If she's on birth control, there's 1206 00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:46,719 Speaker 1: a good possibility that her libido has been affected by 1207 00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:49,960 Speaker 1: whatever birth control she takes. If it's the pill, if 1208 00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:54,160 Speaker 1: it's the ring, if it's the patch, iud We've spoken 1209 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:56,560 Speaker 1: to so many women over the past three years since 1210 00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,319 Speaker 1: we've opened up about our sex journey that they all said, yo, 1211 00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:02,520 Speaker 1: I didn't realize that the contraceptive was going to also 1212 00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,279 Speaker 1: make me not want to have sex, killing us. So 1213 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:09,239 Speaker 1: I would investigate, absolutely, I would investigate if that's what 1214 00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:10,160 Speaker 1: the problem is. First. 1215 00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,879 Speaker 3: Yeah, that literally came to mind first, and I'm like, man, 1216 00:56:13,160 --> 00:56:15,560 Speaker 3: this was me And I mean, granted they don't have children, 1217 00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,800 Speaker 3: we do. So that adds like another layer of just 1218 00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:20,880 Speaker 3: tired in perpetuity that moms have that the minute you 1219 00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:23,120 Speaker 3: become a mom, you just can never catch up with sleep. 1220 00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:29,239 Speaker 3: But the fact that she doesn't initiate sex, maybe there's 1221 00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:30,800 Speaker 3: also something else underlying. 1222 00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:34,040 Speaker 2: Is there something going on physically with him? For example? 1223 00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:37,320 Speaker 3: Is he not creating a space where you know, she 1224 00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,920 Speaker 3: feels comfortable or feels sexy? 1225 00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:41,200 Speaker 2: There can be so many different things here. 1226 00:56:41,520 --> 00:56:43,880 Speaker 1: Did he let himself go because we put so much 1227 00:56:43,920 --> 00:56:47,839 Speaker 1: on this? Women? Women, are you still going to the gym? 1228 00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:50,279 Speaker 2: Going to the gym? Are you making yourself enticing for 1229 00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:51,080 Speaker 2: her as well too? 1230 00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:51,520 Speaker 1: You know? 1231 00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:53,359 Speaker 3: And is it just sitting in front of the TV 1232 00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:55,520 Speaker 3: and y'all just have a comfort zone where that's just 1233 00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:58,520 Speaker 3: where you sit and you're not doing other things to 1234 00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:01,319 Speaker 3: initiate that, you know. Deval and I had to run 1235 00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:02,919 Speaker 3: where we were in where it was like that. Deva 1236 00:57:03,040 --> 00:57:04,359 Speaker 3: was like shit, Like we go to sit and watch 1237 00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:07,040 Speaker 3: a show, you're falling asleep on the couch. Then we 1238 00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:08,520 Speaker 3: get up to go on the back and then it's 1239 00:57:08,560 --> 00:57:10,920 Speaker 3: just like this monotonous routine of like, okay, let's get 1240 00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:12,600 Speaker 3: in the bed and have sex now, because that's what 1241 00:57:12,719 --> 00:57:14,719 Speaker 3: we do when we get into the bedroom, and that 1242 00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:16,600 Speaker 3: wasn't working for us either, so we had to take 1243 00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:19,760 Speaker 3: it back to some basics, like make a different I'm like, devlle, 1244 00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:21,280 Speaker 3: tell me what you want. He's like, yo, word, I'm 1245 00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:22,720 Speaker 3: sure it's in that cropsop that I like, and come 1246 00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:24,680 Speaker 3: drop it front of me in front of the TV. Like, 1247 00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:29,280 Speaker 3: doing little things to spark that interest again is sometimes necessary, 1248 00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:30,720 Speaker 3: especially if you've been together for a while. 1249 00:57:30,800 --> 00:57:32,720 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be a little bit vulnerable here and I'm 1250 00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:35,360 Speaker 1: going to talk about how our sex rut was so 1251 00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,760 Speaker 1: bad at one point, with us just going to watch 1252 00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:39,520 Speaker 1: TV and then going to bed. And this was when 1253 00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:41,320 Speaker 1: this was during the time when Kadeen and I were 1254 00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:42,920 Speaker 1: trying to save a lot of money, so we weren't 1255 00:57:42,920 --> 00:57:45,200 Speaker 1: traveling that much. So we would literally go to the 1256 00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:47,000 Speaker 1: gym because that's where I worked at the time. I 1257 00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:49,360 Speaker 1: would do my commercials or the film whatever. Kadeen was 1258 00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:51,200 Speaker 1: doing makeup, doing weddings, and we would come home and 1259 00:57:51,320 --> 00:57:53,400 Speaker 1: be late at night and we would watch TV and 1260 00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,040 Speaker 1: it be nighttime and be ready to go to bed, 1261 00:57:55,080 --> 00:57:56,120 Speaker 1: and then we would get in the bed and she 1262 00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:57,760 Speaker 1: would roll over and she would be like okay, and 1263 00:57:57,800 --> 00:57:59,760 Speaker 1: she would start kissing me, and then she'd be like, 1264 00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:02,680 Speaker 1: what the matter, Like you don't feel how you normally feel, 1265 00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:04,800 Speaker 1: And I was like, what you mean? She's just like 1266 00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:07,280 Speaker 1: you don't even feel like you're like really fully hard. 1267 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,960 Speaker 1: And I'd be like, well, this isn't turning me on, 1268 00:58:11,640 --> 00:58:16,200 Speaker 1: and and me not being turned on, she wasn't turned on, 1269 00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:19,800 Speaker 1: And that's where the rut starts. Like when it's boring 1270 00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,320 Speaker 1: for a woman and it's boring for the man, and 1271 00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:24,760 Speaker 1: then you're not feeling each other. There has to be 1272 00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:27,320 Speaker 1: something that has to get done, and a lot of 1273 00:58:27,400 --> 00:58:29,280 Speaker 1: times men don't want to talk about it. Men don't 1274 00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:32,720 Speaker 1: want to say, well, babe, can you do this or 1275 00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:35,280 Speaker 1: do that? Or war this or can we travel here? 1276 00:58:35,640 --> 00:58:38,040 Speaker 1: They just want to feel like, yo, it's your responsibility 1277 00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,120 Speaker 1: as a woman to make sure that I'm taken care of. 1278 00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:43,640 Speaker 1: But we're not helping them. And I say that to 1279 00:58:43,720 --> 00:58:47,640 Speaker 1: say this, we also have a responsibility as people to 1280 00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:48,520 Speaker 1: work for each other. 1281 00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:49,200 Speaker 2: That's it. 1282 00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:52,760 Speaker 1: This whole idea of you love me, take me as 1283 00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:54,960 Speaker 1: I am. I ain't putting in no work. This is 1284 00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:59,840 Speaker 1: just that's fucking corny. I'm sorry that that has become 1285 00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:02,920 Speaker 1: one of the biggest cop outs. I'm sorry, And it's 1286 00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:06,320 Speaker 1: not just a woman thing. It is also a man thing. 1287 00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:09,720 Speaker 1: Me and my boys have a group accountability group chat, like, bro, 1288 00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:12,640 Speaker 1: when is the last time you've been in the gym? 1289 00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:16,080 Speaker 1: Like your wife met you and you were an elite athlete, 1290 00:59:16,120 --> 00:59:18,560 Speaker 1: you were the Vision one athlete, you had a six pack. 1291 00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:23,000 Speaker 2: You know, like, when's the last time you was in 1292 00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:25,680 Speaker 2: the gym? Syst nobody this come on? 1293 00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,439 Speaker 1: But it's the truth, though, Guys like y'all gotta work 1294 00:59:28,560 --> 00:59:31,160 Speaker 1: for each other because because here's the truth. When they 1295 00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:34,040 Speaker 1: were single, I bet they was both out here making 1296 00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:35,480 Speaker 1: sure they were top not because they were trying to 1297 00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:38,640 Speaker 1: find somebody. But then when you find somebody, it's just like, oh, well, 1298 00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:40,360 Speaker 1: they gonna accept me as I am. And now they 1299 00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:43,800 Speaker 1: watch you go through this downwall spiral of comfortness that 1300 00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:46,040 Speaker 1: it's like, Yo, that shit's not enticing to me. I 1301 00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:49,480 Speaker 1: want the single version of you that was working out 1302 00:59:49,600 --> 00:59:51,280 Speaker 1: every day, and I'm talking to you as a man. 1303 00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:53,600 Speaker 1: They want the single version of you that was working 1304 00:59:53,640 --> 00:59:56,160 Speaker 1: out every day, your testosterone was on high, your eyes 1305 00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:57,920 Speaker 1: was everywhere because you was looking for That's what they 1306 00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:00,360 Speaker 1: fell in love with and now you come and you 1307 01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:03,320 Speaker 1: just sit on the couch, And I'm saying that to 1308 01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:05,360 Speaker 1: you because that's where I was. Now. I worked in 1309 01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:08,600 Speaker 1: the gym, so I didn't lose I didn't lose my physique, 1310 01:00:08,960 --> 01:00:11,360 Speaker 1: but I was super lazy when I came home, Like 1311 01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:13,120 Speaker 1: I came home sitting on the couch, and you know 1312 01:00:13,160 --> 01:00:15,200 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, You make the sandwich, You're gonna wash 1313 01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:17,200 Speaker 1: this thing, and then I'm sitting there on the couch 1314 01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:20,640 Speaker 1: like you don't never initiate sex, but I'm sitting here 1315 01:00:20,840 --> 01:00:22,800 Speaker 1: on the couch eating the sandwich. 1316 01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:25,960 Speaker 2: You know, And it's like that you gotta change all 1317 01:00:26,200 --> 01:00:27,840 Speaker 2: you have to and don't really have to. 1318 01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:33,160 Speaker 1: Don't let people who are miserable tell you that you 1319 01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:35,120 Speaker 1: don't have to work for your partner. They just need 1320 01:00:35,200 --> 01:00:37,960 Speaker 1: to accept you and all your deficiencies. We all as 1321 01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:40,800 Speaker 1: people have to continue to work to be better. Number One, 1322 01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:43,840 Speaker 1: for yourself. You should put yourself in the best physical 1323 01:00:43,960 --> 01:00:46,400 Speaker 1: and health shape is possible for you. But that will 1324 01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:48,680 Speaker 1: also indirectly affect your spouse. 1325 01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:51,240 Speaker 3: Your spouse, it affects your mood, Like, there's so many 1326 01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:54,960 Speaker 3: things that are positively affected by just taking care of 1327 01:00:55,080 --> 01:00:56,040 Speaker 3: yourself and. 1328 01:00:56,120 --> 01:00:58,400 Speaker 4: You'll be surprised when you come in here after doing 1329 01:00:58,400 --> 01:01:00,680 Speaker 4: a couple of rounds of Birbies and you you have 1330 01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:03,200 Speaker 4: to stop Sarona's on high and how that woman will 1331 01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:05,840 Speaker 4: be like, oh, hey, them shoulders is back a little 1332 01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:06,760 Speaker 4: hot today. 1333 01:01:06,840 --> 01:01:08,800 Speaker 2: Or maybe don't even wait till y'all hit the bedroom. 1334 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:10,680 Speaker 2: How about you, like, oh, in the middle of the show. 1335 01:01:10,680 --> 01:01:12,040 Speaker 3: You know how many times we've been watching the show 1336 01:01:12,040 --> 01:01:13,960 Speaker 3: and de Val would just turn that shit off or 1337 01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:15,520 Speaker 3: pause it and we just get it in on the 1338 01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:17,040 Speaker 3: couch because that's just what it is. You know. 1339 01:01:17,280 --> 01:01:20,320 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just the monotony of saying, we're gonna watch 1340 01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:20,680 Speaker 2: the show. 1341 01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:23,520 Speaker 3: Then we're gonna turn off TV, the we're gonna turn 1342 01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:25,840 Speaker 3: off the lights, and we're gonna walk to the bedroom. 1343 01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:27,240 Speaker 2: It's like this walk of doom. 1344 01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:27,800 Speaker 1: It's like. 1345 01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:33,959 Speaker 3: Yeah, full and just like you know, missionary till we'll 1346 01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:36,840 Speaker 3: fall asleep. Like no, like make it fun, make it interesting, 1347 01:01:36,920 --> 01:01:39,520 Speaker 3: make it different, like just put the work in. You 1348 01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:41,160 Speaker 3: have to put the work in and have the conversation 1349 01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:42,000 Speaker 3: with her about it too. 1350 01:01:42,120 --> 01:01:44,600 Speaker 1: Also, remember something you told me you was just like Daval, 1351 01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:47,640 Speaker 1: I never initiated it because I knew you were going 1352 01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:48,480 Speaker 1: to initiate it. 1353 01:01:50,080 --> 01:01:51,560 Speaker 2: I was like, why because you stay on me all 1354 01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:53,320 Speaker 2: the time. So it's like, here we are. 1355 01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:58,880 Speaker 1: It's fun now my boy, Uh Sharonas. Shout out to Sharonas. 1356 01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:01,120 Speaker 1: He just asked me to send him a video of 1357 01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:03,560 Speaker 1: when I said I was resetting your freak level. Renumber 1358 01:02:03,600 --> 01:02:05,680 Speaker 1: the skit we did. So he had sent that, so 1359 01:02:05,720 --> 01:02:08,120 Speaker 1: I guess the girl he's dating, right, shout out to Sharonas. 1360 01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:10,360 Speaker 1: But I said, why do you need this for? He's 1361 01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:12,040 Speaker 1: just like, now, I'm just trying to prove a point 1362 01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:15,360 Speaker 1: to her, like sometimes I gotta pull away to make 1363 01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,800 Speaker 1: you want me to reset your freak level. And I 1364 01:02:17,920 --> 01:02:21,200 Speaker 1: was making a joke, but seriously that that does be 1365 01:02:21,240 --> 01:02:24,840 Speaker 1: a thing. Now. I will say this too, though, Getting 1366 01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:27,880 Speaker 1: sex once every three weeks for a man would hide 1367 01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:34,360 Speaker 1: to stopsteroone bruh, no sis, Come on now, come like, 1368 01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:38,360 Speaker 1: come on, like, come on, like if we really think. 1369 01:02:38,280 --> 01:02:39,960 Speaker 2: About it, not even an option over here. 1370 01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,680 Speaker 1: Sex once every three weeks, that means there's fifty two 1371 01:02:43,720 --> 01:02:45,880 Speaker 1: weeks in the year. If you divide that by three, 1372 01:02:46,720 --> 01:02:49,880 Speaker 1: that means y'all having sex what sixteen times a year? 1373 01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:55,520 Speaker 1: Come on, bro, there's no way, there's no way. In here, 1374 01:02:55,560 --> 01:02:58,640 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be honest too. It's unfair for anyone 1375 01:02:59,160 --> 01:03:02,400 Speaker 1: to ask someone else to be monogamous and while you 1376 01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:06,960 Speaker 1: being monogamous, deprive them of sex. That's unfair, that all woman, 1377 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,280 Speaker 1: that's a fact. You can't ask someone to only be 1378 01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:11,960 Speaker 1: invested in you and don't share your sexual experts for 1379 01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:15,480 Speaker 1: anybody else. But then I'm only giving you sex sixteen 1380 01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:17,280 Speaker 1: times a year. There's three hundred and sixty five miles 1381 01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:21,400 Speaker 1: fucking days and year. All right, I just almost that. 1382 01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:26,560 Speaker 3: But listen, y'all, this iud free deval is vezecting me 1383 01:03:26,720 --> 01:03:30,360 Speaker 3: up having the time of our life we have. So 1384 01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:33,600 Speaker 3: I will implore you to investigate whatever it is that 1385 01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:36,240 Speaker 3: you're putting into your body and also putting out, meaning 1386 01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:38,680 Speaker 3: like working out, investing in yourself, doing the things to 1387 01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:43,360 Speaker 3: make sure that you are your best self, because trust me, 1388 01:03:43,760 --> 01:03:46,120 Speaker 3: a lot of this shit is killing us slowly. And 1389 01:03:46,200 --> 01:03:48,280 Speaker 3: when I say that, I mean these birth control methods 1390 01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:51,760 Speaker 3: that we're putting in our body, not taking care of ourselves. 1391 01:03:52,040 --> 01:03:53,200 Speaker 2: You're talking about mood. 1392 01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,040 Speaker 3: Being affected and being tired, because why we just be 1393 01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:59,040 Speaker 3: sitting around not doing shit and not taking care of ourselves. 1394 01:03:59,080 --> 01:04:01,080 Speaker 3: And I say we as in the American culture. Like, 1395 01:04:01,600 --> 01:04:03,640 Speaker 3: there's so many other cultures that are doing way more 1396 01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:07,280 Speaker 3: for themselves physically and health wise than we are. 1397 01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:11,960 Speaker 2: So so about investigating that movement helps you libido. It does. 1398 01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:15,760 Speaker 1: So if y'all moved together, yeah, your sexual your sex 1399 01:04:15,840 --> 01:04:17,600 Speaker 1: drive will be higher. And when I mean moves together, 1400 01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:19,560 Speaker 1: I don't mean just go to the gym. Try hiking together. 1401 01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:21,240 Speaker 1: If you live where you can hike together, you'll see 1402 01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,160 Speaker 1: different sites. Kadina and I have some of our best 1403 01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:26,880 Speaker 1: sexual exploits when we were in different countries just seeing 1404 01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:29,320 Speaker 1: Remember when we went to Saint Lucia and we walked 1405 01:04:29,400 --> 01:04:31,480 Speaker 1: up the mountain. Yeah, man, we walked up that mountain. 1406 01:04:31,560 --> 01:04:33,560 Speaker 1: K fucked the ship out of me and I was. 1407 01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:37,440 Speaker 3: Like, what what happens to come to the mountains up? 1408 01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:44,720 Speaker 3: I was locome to see the glory. Glory, y'all. 1409 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:45,920 Speaker 2: Good luck to y'all over there. 1410 01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:49,120 Speaker 3: Because listening, we're always advocates for people trying to continue 1411 01:04:49,320 --> 01:04:52,120 Speaker 3: to make things work right all right. If you want 1412 01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:54,160 Speaker 3: to be featured as a listener letter, please short to email. 1413 01:04:54,280 --> 01:04:56,320 Speaker 3: Oh god, y'all, I can't talk to day. I'm tired, y'all. 1414 01:04:56,560 --> 01:04:58,480 Speaker 2: Y'all see look at me today, I have one no makeup. 1415 01:04:58,720 --> 01:05:01,480 Speaker 1: If you're watching on a patreoon, what you here listen to? 1416 01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:03,479 Speaker 3: I mean, I feel like we're family at this point. 1417 01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:06,200 Speaker 3: Y'all are in our homes like this is just what 1418 01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:09,840 Speaker 3: it is. Sometimes you're gonna get me like tired, you know. 1419 01:05:10,720 --> 01:05:12,440 Speaker 3: But if you want to be featured as a listener letter, 1420 01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:15,240 Speaker 3: we're never tired of those. Email us at deadass Advice 1421 01:05:15,240 --> 01:05:16,240 Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. 1422 01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:18,720 Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D 1423 01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:22,520 Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot All. 1424 01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:26,200 Speaker 3: Right, so we're talking new standards for wedding planning, wedding culture, 1425 01:05:26,280 --> 01:05:27,040 Speaker 3: being trash. 1426 01:05:27,560 --> 01:05:28,960 Speaker 2: What is your moment of truth? You got for that. 1427 01:05:29,520 --> 01:05:33,480 Speaker 1: Simple moment of truth? Tell them, don't fuck up the 1428 01:05:33,600 --> 01:05:37,320 Speaker 1: rest of your life trying to please everybody in your 1429 01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:41,040 Speaker 1: life for one day period period. That's it. Think about 1430 01:05:41,080 --> 01:05:42,760 Speaker 1: what I just said, don't fuck up the rest of 1431 01:05:42,840 --> 01:05:45,840 Speaker 1: your life trying to please everybody in your life for 1432 01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:46,360 Speaker 1: one day. 1433 01:05:46,680 --> 01:05:48,680 Speaker 3: And my moment of truth is kind of a continuation 1434 01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:54,160 Speaker 3: of that. The wedding day, the marriage, everything is centered 1435 01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:59,840 Speaker 3: around you two. You two, So if you too are 1436 01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:03,000 Speaker 3: not able to go to bed at night next to 1437 01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:06,520 Speaker 3: each other amicably and in a good space with good 1438 01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:09,880 Speaker 3: positive energy, knowing that you're on the same page about 1439 01:06:09,920 --> 01:06:14,520 Speaker 3: whatever that wedding will look like, whatever that marriage will 1440 01:06:14,560 --> 01:06:18,160 Speaker 3: look like. If you can't do that, then you really 1441 01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:23,000 Speaker 3: have to reassess the why facts. Because the one day 1442 01:06:23,520 --> 01:06:26,160 Speaker 3: for social media or for the viral moment, or for 1443 01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:26,960 Speaker 3: the memories. 1444 01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:30,720 Speaker 2: Take it from me, y'all, it's just not worth it. 1445 01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:32,040 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's not. 1446 01:06:32,520 --> 01:06:33,960 Speaker 3: But if you do think it's worth it, just be 1447 01:06:34,040 --> 01:06:38,200 Speaker 3: prepared to rebuild after the splurge facts. 1448 01:06:38,240 --> 01:06:39,520 Speaker 1: And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna help you out. 1449 01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:41,520 Speaker 1: I'm gonna read this outro because you've been struggling today. 1450 01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:42,000 Speaker 2: I have been. 1451 01:06:42,120 --> 01:06:44,320 Speaker 1: Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive 1452 01:06:44,400 --> 01:06:47,360 Speaker 1: dead Ass podcast video content, and find us on social 1453 01:06:47,440 --> 01:06:50,560 Speaker 1: media at dead Ass the podcast. She's Kadeen. I am 1454 01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:53,680 Speaker 1: i Amdavao, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be 1455 01:06:53,760 --> 01:06:56,280 Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe. 1456 01:06:56,440 --> 01:06:58,439 Speaker 2: Now I'm going to take a nap. I love y'all. 1457 01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:00,640 Speaker 3: Actually I can't take a nap. You had stuff to 1458 01:07:00,680 --> 01:07:02,720 Speaker 3: do with the kids. Back to being parents, huh. 1459 01:07:05,040 --> 01:07:08,120 Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and 1460 01:07:08,240 --> 01:07:11,720 Speaker 1: is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple follow the podcast 1461 01:07:11,800 --> 01:07:14,360 Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast, and never 1462 01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:14,920 Speaker 1: miss a thing