Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every rusticate your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see I buy. When it comes to
Speaker 1: getting it in in the bedroom, I find myself trying
Speaker 1: to find ways to reinvent things over and over again
Speaker 1: so I could bust a wide open differently. Well, the
Speaker 1: real problem is that I just like having sex with
Speaker 1: you too much and I don't get tired of it.
Speaker 1: So good luck trying to find a way to keep
Speaker 1: it up, because I just love having sex with you, baby.
Speaker 1: With all that. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and
Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to
Speaker 1: a whole new level. Dead ass starts now. So after
Speaker 1: seventeen years and about six days together, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: always trying to find ways to just make things a
Speaker 1: little bit different, make it a little spicy, without having
Speaker 1: to bring any other human beings into the bedroom. So
Speaker 1: I was at the Mom Friends back in May, shout
Speaker 1: to the girls who put on the Mom Friends, and um,
Speaker 1: we were talking about everything mom, love, household related and
Speaker 1: in that one of the boots that they had, you
Speaker 1: know at the market place was lust for Love Okay,
Speaker 1: And this was particularly interesting because I had my mom
Speaker 1: with me at the Mom Friends. So we passed the
Speaker 1: table of candles, we passed the table of you know,
Speaker 1: band aids for children of color, and then we passed
Speaker 1: the table of vibrators and dildos with my mom who
Speaker 1: is probably the most conservative person that I know, especially
Speaker 1: when it comes to sex. So we strolled past the table,
Speaker 1: and of course I had to stop because I know
Speaker 1: it made her uncomfortable. So of course I had to
Speaker 1: go and like touch a dildo in front of my mom,
Speaker 1: just because, just because. But I also was thinking, you
Speaker 1: know what, this is probably God's way of saying, Cadine,
Speaker 1: you stumbled upon this table of dildos and vibrators, maybe
Speaker 1: you should go and be a consumer of the dildos
Speaker 1: and the vibrators. So at that point I spoke with
Speaker 1: the young lady you know, who was also on a
Speaker 1: panel that spoke about spicing up things in the bedroom
Speaker 1: sexual intimacy, got her Instagram page and I hit her
Speaker 1: up after and I was like, sis, listen, I was
Speaker 1: given a sign that I need to patron your business. Okay,
Speaker 1: so send me some of your best seller sists, whatever
Speaker 1: it is, send me your best sellers. And I went
Speaker 1: ahead and I supported her business, you know, made my
Speaker 1: payment on PayPal, and I was looking out for this package.
Speaker 1: And the package came and I'm hoping up the package
Speaker 1: literally and I was just like, wow, now I have
Speaker 1: to find a way to introduce these toys into the bedroom.
Speaker 1: How is the valuing respond to this? M hmm, good loving,
Speaker 1: they're rocking knocking, not long meg love to the Bregadne, Oh,
Speaker 1: come on our harmonies. I don't know what key you
Speaker 1: were in, but you were. You know I was in
Speaker 1: the key of D for devote with it. I love
Speaker 1: that song. That song will never die. It's on our
Speaker 1: playlist whenever we get ready to knock the boots. You
Speaker 1: gotta work on your tune though, like you gotta hold
Speaker 1: the ears because about being here, like a real throwback
Speaker 1: R and B singing. Hold you got to everything you
Speaker 1: got to. But let me next time, let me know
Speaker 1: what key you're gonna be in, so I could try
Speaker 1: to do the alternate key because this key good love
Speaker 1: and body knocking boots, that's the key on me. All right, y'all.
Speaker 1: So you know we spoke about sex and every which
Speaker 1: way possible. I feel like we talked about sex at all.
Speaker 1: Devout come on like literally every episode, no matter how
Speaker 1: serious the topic is, Devout finds a way to slide
Speaker 1: it in there. I'm private, I like slide stuff. You're
Speaker 1: so annoying, you up, you know what you think? By now?
Speaker 1: All these years of dealing with you, I would know
Speaker 1: how to even just like frame my statement so that
Speaker 1: they don't allow for you to just make a sexual
Speaker 1: comment about it. But anyway, I figured, if we're going
Speaker 1: to talk more about sex, we might as well talk
Speaker 1: to someone who is a specialist in sex, what we
Speaker 1: would call a sexologist, you know. So we have somebody
Speaker 1: in the in the house today who knows a little
Speaker 1: something about something, Shann House. You know what, I never
Speaker 1: know a podcast when to jump out the cake one?
Speaker 1: Is it my time to be like here? So yes,
Speaker 1: I just told you and shan't give him a full name,
Speaker 1: Shan Boo dram. I also go buy Shan booty online
Speaker 1: and manage expectations. Booty is a playoff my last name,
Speaker 1: not my anatomy. Then we go though considering what you do,
Speaker 1: it makes sense, it makes sense, But I just like
Speaker 1: I think sometimes people are some people read it Shann body,
Speaker 1: and it's just like not like that in real life,
Speaker 1: you know, my So sex is a highly contested conversation
Speaker 1: in our relationship, so I don't know that already. So
Speaker 1: we've brought in a sex allergist to help us settle
Speaker 1: our differences. If that's possible learn a thing or two
Speaker 1: on how to keep things spicy for each other as well.
Speaker 1: So you are Shannon Expert Um and Intimacy, hosts of
Speaker 1: Facebook's Makeup or break Up, author, writer, YouTube star, and
Speaker 1: we are so excited to have you on the show today.
Speaker 1: So thank you for coming so big right now. I
Speaker 1: like people read the bio. I don't know why I
Speaker 1: tried to. I was trying to memorize it, but my
Speaker 1: brain's fried at this point. But you wanted me to
Speaker 1: keep it short, so I try to keep it short.
Speaker 1: It was short, sweet and beautiful. Point. I wonderful, wonderful thing.
Speaker 1: My production team for that. Yeah, shout out to the
Speaker 1: production deep. So let me tell you, um, So then
Speaker 1: I have been together. We just celebrated seventeen years together.
Speaker 1: So we've grown together in so many ways. We've grown
Speaker 1: together sexually, We've grown a part I feel like at
Speaker 1: some point sexually. But we're married and we're committed, and
Speaker 1: we've always tried to find ways to reinvent things for
Speaker 1: ourselves in the bedroom. You know, um, Devource requests certain
Speaker 1: things for me. I may not come through with the
Speaker 1: things the way he likes it, but you know, I
Speaker 1: try sometimes sometimes I don't try. Sometimes you try all
Speaker 1: the time, like we both try our hardest, you know,
Speaker 1: to make sure that we're both pleased and satisfied. I
Speaker 1: just have come to this like actuality, that the things
Speaker 1: that I want and I like are not necessarily the
Speaker 1: things that she wants she likes. So at one point
Speaker 1: in my life, I was under the assumption that, hey,
Speaker 1: this is my wife, We're going to find that mesh
Speaker 1: where we both like everything that each other likes. And
Speaker 1: it just never happened. And I finally got to the
Speaker 1: point now where's like, it's never gonna happen, so let's
Speaker 1: try to figure out what we can do. However, I
Speaker 1: still trying to find ways. So like my story time,
Speaker 1: I talked about trying to find um spice and toys.
Speaker 1: You know. I bumped into a young lady that would
Speaker 1: sell some things, and I was like, hey, send me,
Speaker 1: send me your best sellers, you know, let's see what works.
Speaker 1: Let's throw it into bedroom. And then div sometimes looks
Speaker 1: at it like if it looks like me, like me,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to play with it.
Speaker 1: I'm not with the toy thing that's just not mine.
Speaker 1: And then I've realized, well, maybe some toys are just
Speaker 1: made for me or some are just made for him.
Speaker 1: So we're still trying to navigate things as we try
Speaker 1: to reinvent things. So tell me chan you know, people,
Speaker 1: people got to know what exactly is a sexologist. There's
Speaker 1: so many questions I have for you, guys, But I mean,
Speaker 1: I'll start answering and then hey, we can go both
Speaker 1: ways with this. And I love that you referred to
Speaker 1: me as a sex specialist because it sounds like I'm
Speaker 1: in there with like a tool kit and just an
Speaker 1: entire bag of tricks. Um, a sexologist is to sex,
Speaker 1: It's easy to think about it, like a nutritionist is
Speaker 1: to food. So a sexologist is the study of sex
Speaker 1: as it relates to biology, psychology, coromonology, sociology. Really, so, sexologists,
Speaker 1: like nutritionists, can show up in a lot of different formats.
Speaker 1: You can work in a clinic, you can work for
Speaker 1: with a one to one practice, you can write curriculum,
Speaker 1: you can work for pharmaceuticals. I am a public facing
Speaker 1: sex and relationship educator, so I write books, I know,
Speaker 1: consult for TV shows, I consult for different projects. I
Speaker 1: work with some pharmaceuticals, but that's how I do it.
Speaker 1: But there are sexologists who are Sara Gates and a
Speaker 1: Saragate workers somebody who literally will come and um have
Speaker 1: a sexual relationship with somebody and you have to be
Speaker 1: prescribed from a therapist to do that. So there's a
Speaker 1: variety of different word Yeah, so they would be I
Speaker 1: guess in more ways of sex specialists. So you can
Speaker 1: coming in prescribed a side check more or less or
Speaker 1: what sounds like I do so if if so, for example,
Speaker 1: if I wasn't hitting it the right way, she could
Speaker 1: go see a doctor and come back with a note
Speaker 1: and say, devile. Listen, my doctor prescribes. I don't want
Speaker 1: to make fun of it, but it's essentially that's what
Speaker 1: it is. Yeah, but more less it would be like
Speaker 1: if you have vaginismus, and that's for women, is really
Speaker 1: painful sex, like almost the think about a Charlie horse
Speaker 1: that you get in your ankle when you have a
Speaker 1: really bad cramp. Some women's vaginal canal experiences at during
Speaker 1: before penetration, and so if every time they went to
Speaker 1: go and get intimate their partner, they would get this spasming. Sarah,
Speaker 1: it might be able to come in and help and
Speaker 1: figure out what the trauma and the touch points are
Speaker 1: what people who have like certain special needs, for example,
Speaker 1: who have a hard time figuring out how to have
Speaker 1: pain free sex. And so there's a variety of reasons.
Speaker 1: I haven't heard of one yet. That's just like man
Speaker 1: and my partner's not doing the best. They could slade
Speaker 1: somebody in here. I haven't heard that, but I'm sure
Speaker 1: all things are possible. Oh my god. So tell me
Speaker 1: how you discovered that this was your calling? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: know what. Honestly, I think passion is often thought about
Speaker 1: or your purpose is something you have to find and
Speaker 1: go towards, And for me, I think it was just
Speaker 1: rediscovering and going back. I was fascinated by touch and
Speaker 1: by the human body. And I also grew up in
Speaker 1: a Caribbean household and the whole like what guyana is
Speaker 1: my dad? Yes? Yes, yes, okay, And I went to
Speaker 1: a Catholic school, so a lot of my natural curiosities
Speaker 1: were really repressed, and so I lost touch with my sexuality.
Speaker 1: And when I started to engage in sex, misinformed by
Speaker 1: porn by books like The Coldest Winterever, I read that
Speaker 1: a couple of times, fly girls, Do you fly girl
Speaker 1: by and in all those books, if you were called
Speaker 1: it was like their first sexual experience. They didn't even
Speaker 1: have to have got like an inchant. They were orgasm
Speaker 1: and melting. And that set my expectations. And so when
Speaker 1: I turned nineteen, I had several partners, zero orgasm, zero connection,
Speaker 1: And I thought to myself, Okay, I've been looking forward
Speaker 1: to this thing my whole life and it's been completely trash.
Speaker 1: So what now? Do I just give up on it
Speaker 1: or do I try to restart my own education? And
Speaker 1: so I restarted at nineteen. I had a book come
Speaker 1: out at twenty four called Late, and then ten years
Speaker 1: later I put out my second book. So I've been
Speaker 1: in the space for thirteen years. Wow. I want to
Speaker 1: be honest, it would be extremely intimidating to me to
Speaker 1: try to have sex with the sex best list as
Speaker 1: a man like you walk in this room, like listen,
Speaker 1: she know everything about this. I don't know what I'm
Speaker 1: She's probably been seen everything that has to be intimidating
Speaker 1: for any man that is going to try and date
Speaker 1: you or please you. I think it is. I mean
Speaker 1: it's possible. I wouldn't probably have sex with somebody who
Speaker 1: looked at it in that intimidation way because it just
Speaker 1: would you tell them that you was a sex cologist. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I can't deny that. Yeah, yeah, yes, there's
Speaker 1: no hiding it. It's just is. But I also too,
Speaker 1: I think a good sexual partner acknowledges that every you're
Speaker 1: you're never an expert on somebody else. I cannot please
Speaker 1: your wife more than you can, Like your seventeen years
Speaker 1: of experience will trump any book that I've read, any
Speaker 1: course or seminar that I've been to, and I would
Speaker 1: like to think so I will definitely I'm understand. I
Speaker 1: don't even have to try to know that that's true.
Speaker 1: So I think that a good person somebody to me
Speaker 1: who's good at sex is somebody who's like more of
Speaker 1: a tourist than a tour guide to someone else's body.
Speaker 1: And so I know, I actually get red flags if
Speaker 1: anybody is like, I'm amazing in the bedroom, I'm awesome,
Speaker 1: I'm great, and that's about them and it's not about
Speaker 1: their part right, And then they get in there and
Speaker 1: they're like, look at all my tricks, and you're like,
Speaker 1: I see what you're ex liked, she said, look at
Speaker 1: all my tricks that's how dudes beat oop. I ain't
Speaker 1: gonna lot. Me and my friends were talking, you know,
Speaker 1: you have sex with girl first, only YA dropped that
Speaker 1: grade eight. You know I did that thing where I
Speaker 1: do the hip toss and then I pull the leg back.
Speaker 1: I know that's what gotta that's met and then she
Speaker 1: don't call you back and then got to inverted uterus
Speaker 1: and it's uncomfortable for her. Right. So yeah, I just
Speaker 1: think that anybody who claims to be amazing at sex,
Speaker 1: I would raise eyebrows for no, for sure. So with
Speaker 1: guys possibly being intimidated by you, do you ever feel
Speaker 1: any kind of pressure, like, man, I have to like
Speaker 1: bust it down, go wait off the top, like I
Speaker 1: don't know nothing Like this news to me. You are
Speaker 1: new to me, like teach me, Like can I watch
Speaker 1: what you do? Can we ask tons of questions? So
Speaker 1: I like go in there being like listen, I'm a
Speaker 1: novice in the X in the realm of you, Yeah,
Speaker 1: saying keep asking questions. I mean after seventeen years, I
Speaker 1: still ask a lot of questions. We had great sexy
Speaker 1: or the other night, and I still after it was
Speaker 1: it was very nice. It was very nice. She did
Speaker 1: this new thing where she likes to be on the
Speaker 1: side and she throw her right leg up right. So
Speaker 1: it was kind of like, um, I'm trying to describe
Speaker 1: it so people could see it, but not be too graphic,
Speaker 1: because I know my kids are gonna hear this at
Speaker 1: some point in their life. But this was new. And
Speaker 1: I said in the middle, was like, Yo, this is new.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And I realized that I
Speaker 1: really liked it like that. I'm just like, okay, So
Speaker 1: I could tell in her response to that. Then I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, this is the direction I'm going to
Speaker 1: keep going. Even though I was on your side or
Speaker 1: were you know, I was still I was on my side,
Speaker 1: poisted a leg over his shoulder, and then my other
Speaker 1: leg was underneath him, and I was straddling her leg,
Speaker 1: but she was side kind of like a lock. It
Speaker 1: was a lot. It was like a completely different angle
Speaker 1: than we've done it right, and it was just hitting
Speaker 1: something that was just quite right. And I was like,
Speaker 1: and that's what I'll be looking for it though, like
Speaker 1: whenever we have sex, I'm trying to look for her
Speaker 1: response to see that that's working. And I said to
Speaker 1: her right afterwards, like that seemed like you enjoyed that
Speaker 1: a lot more than recently, and she's just like, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's I like that. So we have conversations after I
Speaker 1: love that, which is what we still try to do
Speaker 1: now here we are seventeen years later, but still always
Speaker 1: having the desire to learn and then unlearned. Because the
Speaker 1: other day he was doing something and I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't really like that anymore. I thought I did
Speaker 1: and I used to at one point, but no, Like
Speaker 1: we laughed and joke. We had Kevi on stage and
Speaker 1: his wife on They also have a podcast to Love
Speaker 1: Our So we were talking about like things that are
Speaker 1: green lights, things that are red lights, things that are yellow,
Speaker 1: flashing yellow, flashing yellow, the delayed yellow. You know that
Speaker 1: that's yellow, that's like there forever the flashing reds. So
Speaker 1: you know, I had the conversation with him like I
Speaker 1: don't really like that anymore, and he's just had but
Speaker 1: you used to love that, and I'm like, not so
Speaker 1: much anymore. So we always are having the conversations about it.
Speaker 1: So what does your advice? How do you navigate when
Speaker 1: you're speaking with couples who have been together in long
Speaker 1: term relationships? Yeah, I would say, like, the brain is
Speaker 1: not that hard to pimp out, right, Like the brain
Speaker 1: likes new, so whatever whatever happens. Like, there's there's two
Speaker 1: types of um there's passionate love and companionate love. And
Speaker 1: passionate love is when your brains on autopilot. When you
Speaker 1: first get together, you're getting all of the chemical cocktails, right,
Speaker 1: the dopamine hits and the neckprophine and then and the oxytoasted,
Speaker 1: and then it just feels fire and the butterflies are there.
Speaker 1: You don't have to even do much. The person could
Speaker 1: just blow on you and you feel that feeling. But
Speaker 1: over time love shift a companionate love where you're now
Speaker 1: in the driver's seat, like you have to manually create
Speaker 1: those exact same feelings. And one of my favorite um
Speaker 1: Dr Helen Fisher was saying that if people continue to
Speaker 1: have that same rush of adrenaline, that like burst of
Speaker 1: butterflies every time their partner was around, it would shorten
Speaker 1: their life expectancy because, yeah, that that dump of adrenaline
Speaker 1: damages your tissue. Yeah, so I told you, actually it
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna work. About told you it wasn't gonna work.
Speaker 1: You always be looking for reasons. Right is a scientific fact. Here,
Speaker 1: You're like talking about scientific facts. She has scientific You
Speaker 1: had something. But this was my thing, I said. When
Speaker 1: we first met, we used to just touch each other
Speaker 1: and it felt like everything I said. I want to
Speaker 1: feel that every time I touch you, Like I hate
Speaker 1: when we have these moments when months go by and
Speaker 1: we don't kiss or we don't hug, and it's like
Speaker 1: you barely touched the person. I used to like like
Speaker 1: rub her leg and I would feel her get like
Speaker 1: goose bumps. And now it's like I rubbed her leg
Speaker 1: and she was like, can you not touch me? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, you used to like when I touch
Speaker 1: your leg. Now I can't touch. It's just going to happen. Though.
Speaker 1: It took the same thing if you went to the
Speaker 1: sushi restaurant and you had an incredible crunchy role and
Speaker 1: it blew your mind. If you go to that same
Speaker 1: restaurant and had the same cuntry role for seventeen years,
Speaker 1: it's just not going to give you that exact same
Speaker 1: wow experience. And I would still be good in its
Speaker 1: own way. But the good thing is, though, in order
Speaker 1: to get back that feeling of the new to get
Speaker 1: that rush again. It's little tweaks. It's little things that
Speaker 1: make it new again to the brain. And so you
Speaker 1: want to excite the risk and reward center doing something
Speaker 1: like doors, keeping the door cracked a little bit open
Speaker 1: so maybe people might be able to hear or maybe
Speaker 1: like you have this like rush of we have to
Speaker 1: hurry up, or doing it where you change the light
Speaker 1: bulb to red, so it's like a different atmosphere environment
Speaker 1: that think it's very sexy that that, you know, don't
Speaker 1: not say that too. Sometimes we were in a hotel
Speaker 1: once and the light was kind of different. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is the sexy light, and yeah, you do the
Speaker 1: lighting is good. If the lights too bright, she's not
Speaker 1: into it. But maybe one time the light being very
Speaker 1: bright might be. It's just making sure that like again,
Speaker 1: like the brain gets a little bit of something different.
Speaker 1: You're an athlete, you know this as well too, Like
Speaker 1: your muscles start to get dull to an activity to
Speaker 1: do repeatedly. Get to change it up, even just a
Speaker 1: little bit, right, even if it's decreasing or increasing the
Speaker 1: weight by a couple you'll see a different response. So
Speaker 1: it's the same thing I think when people think about
Speaker 1: spicing up in the bedroom. They're like, let's go to Cancoon.
Speaker 1: Let's find us like a little senorita at a local bar.
Speaker 1: Let's have a threesome. It's like you or you could
Speaker 1: just simply change the direction of your bad and see
Speaker 1: how that works. You could do like my wife does.
Speaker 1: My wife, for whatever reason, gets turned on when her
Speaker 1: parents are somewhere in the house. Yeah, that's like like
Speaker 1: we'll be at her sorry, mom and dad. Yeah, we'll
Speaker 1: be at her parents house and she let's stay here
Speaker 1: and parents, I don't care. So then they're upstairs, mom,
Speaker 1: and she just touched me, and I'm like, yo, yo,
Speaker 1: what do you do with come on? Come on? Days?
Speaker 1: That reminds me almost like when we first met and
Speaker 1: you're like trying to like get it there real quick,
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, hell no. One time, one time, we're
Speaker 1: in his parents house and his mom this is like
Speaker 1: years ago, and his mom sent me downstairs to get
Speaker 1: peas out of the deep freezer. So I was like,
Speaker 1: come down staying for me to get the peace and
Speaker 1: it was like I couldn't find the piece because why
Speaker 1: we were getting it into the laundry room and then
Speaker 1: we didn't come up with the piece. We was down
Speaker 1: there mad long. I forgot what we went down there for.
Speaker 1: I was. Mom was like, where's the peace? And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah. But at first though she called me downstairs,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you really can't find a piece. I always
Speaker 1: got to do everything. I go to there, and she's
Speaker 1: like pulling on me and stuff. I'm like, yo, stop stop,
Speaker 1: I do not want to do this. She always wants
Speaker 1: to happen now, and I'm just like I'm tired. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll be trying to pull into the closet and stuff.
Speaker 1: So let me let me ask this after after couples
Speaker 1: have identified like you know what, we have some issues
Speaker 1: with intimacy. Okay, where's a good place for them to start?
Speaker 1: Like her drive exchanged a lot since having the boys,
Speaker 1: which we knew what was going to happen, just chemically
Speaker 1: that was going to be an issue. But also we've
Speaker 1: been together seventeen years, Like somebody doesn't want to get
Speaker 1: plowed out every day for seventeen years. Like this is
Speaker 1: not gonna happen. We were in college, you know. When
Speaker 1: we were in college, it was different. You know, she
Speaker 1: was like, come on, come on, you're an athlete. Like,
Speaker 1: let me see now, it's just like yo, bro chill
Speaker 1: out like he was seventeen years ago. Yeah, I still trained,
Speaker 1: and I feel guilty because I feel like I can't
Speaker 1: keep up with his you know, it's like a supplying
Speaker 1: to man thing going on here and I can't keep
Speaker 1: up with it. I mean that happens, and it's like
Speaker 1: I think compatibility is just like that, Like there's gonna
Speaker 1: be in every marriage, every relationship, there's gonna be five
Speaker 1: things like I cannot believe I found somebody who's on
Speaker 1: the exact same page as me. But whether that is
Speaker 1: religion or childbearing or finance is there's going to be
Speaker 1: some things that just click so stupid magically, and there's
Speaker 1: gonna be some things that don't. I think we think
Speaker 1: of sexuality is something that you can't work on though,
Speaker 1: Like if I talk to couples and they're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're just not sexually compatible, so should we end things?
Speaker 1: And I'm like no, like you just gotta unless that's
Speaker 1: a you know, you gotta work on it like anything else.
Speaker 1: Like there's going to be areas that the connection is
Speaker 1: just there, and there's gonna be other areas that's just
Speaker 1: not in flow and that's no problem with that. That's
Speaker 1: just going into manual. I'll say, like a basic tip
Speaker 1: that I have is I have this thing called turn
Speaker 1: on Triggers, and I have a quiz on my website
Speaker 1: for this if anybody wants to take it, and essentially
Speaker 1: it's six different ways that get people in the mood.
Speaker 1: So going back to in the very beginning, it's just
Speaker 1: breathing on the other person will get you in the
Speaker 1: mood because that risk and reward center is lighting up.
Speaker 1: Because this is a brand new person, new experience. There's
Speaker 1: tons of risk happening, and so your brain is gonna
Speaker 1: respond in that like Heroin esque way. But over time
Speaker 1: you have to get the brain in that space. And
Speaker 1: so a manual turn on trigger. And some people might
Speaker 1: be environmental. Um A lot of like moms I find
Speaker 1: is environmental where it's like, let me not see dirty
Speaker 1: clothes in my peripheral you know, I can't focus, or
Speaker 1: like can we make the bed before the messy e Ben? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Can we put some effort in the in the atmosphere,
Speaker 1: and I mean, can there be a red light on?
Speaker 1: Can there be some candles burning? Like can we actually
Speaker 1: make this an experience? A sensory experience, I can actually
Speaker 1: relax in and not be focused on the billions of
Speaker 1: chores around with it haven't been done yet. Um. Some
Speaker 1: people's is desire minus desire, and I just require very
Speaker 1: specific language that is like your X is so effing X,
Speaker 1: and I want to do why with your why? And
Speaker 1: like that to me is every I don't care if
Speaker 1: it's dirty, I don't care nothing else. Like if you
Speaker 1: tell me I'm hot, I feel excited. Um. A lot
Speaker 1: of men is visual and so it's just like when
Speaker 1: they it's like a baby, when you see something you
Speaker 1: want to put in your mouth, and so it's just
Speaker 1: like putting that extra attention. See you every day? He
Speaker 1: sees every day. Yeah, you know what's funny? And I
Speaker 1: was gonna ask you are there is there any truth
Speaker 1: to some of the miss you here? Like, for example,
Speaker 1: a lot of my boys who are married in long
Speaker 1: term relationships complaining about I don't get enough sex. So
Speaker 1: we've you know, brought it down to a science that
Speaker 1: women just don't want to have sex as much as us.
Speaker 1: Then we're trying to figure out why is that, you know,
Speaker 1: why does it seem like when a woman wants to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship, she's willing to have more sex,
Speaker 1: but then once she gets into a relationship, it just
Speaker 1: automatically stop. Is there any science to that, because it
Speaker 1: seems like that seems to be pretty consistent amongst all
Speaker 1: of my friends. Like they'll meet a girl and him
Speaker 1: and her have sex every day, multiple times a day.
Speaker 1: The minute it's like, okay, we're monogamous. Now it's like
Speaker 1: cut off. Yeah, I mean, I guess like there's a
Speaker 1: reproductive science in terms of just like the motivation for
Speaker 1: a man who can have kids up until eighty and
Speaker 1: it's just as for a Chile is a lot higher
Speaker 1: than for a woman who after a while there's really
Speaker 1: no like biological payoff in terms of how there is
Speaker 1: a science behind her is. But to be honest with you,
Speaker 1: I would just say, like there's another there's other great books.
Speaker 1: So they're like called What Women Want that just like
Speaker 1: debunk any myth that there's a difference in how men
Speaker 1: and women um want, desire, perceive, and like think about sex.
Speaker 1: And so there's science on both side. Think that you
Speaker 1: can I'm whatever you're looking for. I can tell you
Speaker 1: the amount of couples that I've spoken to where it's
Speaker 1: the other way around. I was gonna say, I have
Speaker 1: a couple of people that I know where it's the opposite.
Speaker 1: The female is actually wanting more and the male isn't.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I know, like you have your
Speaker 1: group of friends and that seems to be the consensus
Speaker 1: with them, But especially if that's a group of friends,
Speaker 1: like you're not gonna have the one dude in the
Speaker 1: group who doesn't side with you. Guys be like, well,
Speaker 1: actually my wife is kind of the freak and I'm
Speaker 1: not interested. That's that's true. I don't think they would
Speaker 1: honestly say that. I also do think it matters on
Speaker 1: the type of friends you have. All of my friends
Speaker 1: were athletes or are athletes, so we still all train,
Speaker 1: particularly like like we still play ball. So for example,
Speaker 1: I do have a guy who's reached out to me.
Speaker 1: It was being the opposite, but he says that, um,
Speaker 1: he doesn't like the way his body looks. Um, he
Speaker 1: let himself go. He's not as confident, so he doesn't
Speaker 1: want to have sex with his wife as much, mainly
Speaker 1: because he feels he's going to feel her desires, because
Speaker 1: he feels like he's no longer what she wants a
Speaker 1: vulnerable conversation shouting out to that dude able to encourage
Speaker 1: to say that I was when he space for a
Speaker 1: lot of people, a lot of guys, and they won't
Speaker 1: they'll see me in person, like they won't text me
Speaker 1: because they don't want the proof to be anywhere. They'll
Speaker 1: be like broke, talk me about something real, you know.
Speaker 1: And then he opened up to me, and then I
Speaker 1: was just like, um, why do you feel this way?
Speaker 1: And he was just like, I know what my my
Speaker 1: wife wants, and I just know that I'm not it.
Speaker 1: And um, He's like, I don't like to work out
Speaker 1: and I just don't feel like I can never get
Speaker 1: back to that. So I shy away from having sex
Speaker 1: so I don't constantly disappoint her. And I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: Like that's but but then I asked myself, well, that's
Speaker 1: your wife, right. You do want your wife to be happy, right.
Speaker 1: You can't shy away by not having sex with her.
Speaker 1: So she's like, what should I do? I said, first,
Speaker 1: you should diet, get in the gym, be healthy just
Speaker 1: for yourself. But if you love this woman and you
Speaker 1: made an oath and a promise to her to be
Speaker 1: there for her. You have to be there for her.
Speaker 1: I think it's unfair man or a woman to just
Speaker 1: say I don't like the way I looks, so I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna have sex with you. I do think that
Speaker 1: that's unfair, and I told him too, especially when you're
Speaker 1: not having to diet love with your partner. Also to
Speaker 1: which is expressing your needs, Like there's studies that show
Speaker 1: that a woman's number one turn on is herself. Like
Speaker 1: esther perels Um talked about that. It's funny because my
Speaker 1: follow up to that was gonna be like, well, is
Speaker 1: it an issue for her? The way he looks and
Speaker 1: the way he feels about themselves may not be an
Speaker 1: issue for her. She may just be like, I just
Speaker 1: want my husband, I just want the attention. But even
Speaker 1: if she knew now, she has to overcompensate with compliments,
Speaker 1: which is also fair, you know. I mean, I think
Speaker 1: a lot of dudes could really benefit from overcompensating with compliments,
Speaker 1: from just saying even if you feel like you said
Speaker 1: it already, just like even like compliment the taste of
Speaker 1: her vaginal fluids, like you know, compliment the way that
Speaker 1: her body smells naturally, because she might be going to
Speaker 1: this checklist in her head, like I'm spiky, I haven't
Speaker 1: showered in like two hours, or like I can't do it.
Speaker 1: But if you just all of those insecurities by being
Speaker 1: like you as is right now, I want all of it,
Speaker 1: I think that makes a massive difference in people's willingness
Speaker 1: to start to play. You know, it's funny to hear
Speaker 1: that verbal affirmation. You hear about that with pets, you
Speaker 1: hear about that with children, but you don't hear about
Speaker 1: that with your spouse. But it seemed like it would
Speaker 1: still make sense. Just constant verbal positive affirmation like I'm
Speaker 1: here for you, I want you, I love you as is.
Speaker 1: I think that that could help a lot of people,
Speaker 1: men and women. And the more specific the better, because
Speaker 1: sometimes we tend to do like those broad I told you,
Speaker 1: I love you, I told you I want you, and
Speaker 1: you're like specific, I want is that you love about
Speaker 1: me in this moment right now? Yeah, like the hair
Speaker 1: is in my booty hole are hot to you? Specific stuff?
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, that's what I thought I was the
Speaker 1: only one with here in my booty but oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: no hair and moving for the moody because I was like, listen,
Speaker 1: I can't work, so tell me about your book. You
Speaker 1: have a book, The Game of Desire. So that about
Speaker 1: It's essentially what we're talking about right now, just getting
Speaker 1: into the driver's seat understanding that. I think when it
Speaker 1: comes to everything in life, you know, sports, or cooking
Speaker 1: or even child rearing, there's this understanding that in order
Speaker 1: to be good at it, you have to enlist the
Speaker 1: help of experts. You have to read books, you have
Speaker 1: to research, you have to practice low risk environment. You
Speaker 1: gotta give yourself space and not be perfect and constantly
Speaker 1: challenge yourself. But when it comes to sex and love,
Speaker 1: it's just like it's if it's not bestowed from the gods,
Speaker 1: it's not meant to be. It's not going to happen, right,
Speaker 1: It's not going to happen versus like no, Like, you
Speaker 1: can actually approach this with a system and a strategy,
Speaker 1: and you can be good at loving somebody. You can
Speaker 1: be good at being a good sexual partner. It's not
Speaker 1: just about chemistry or compatibility or magic. It is a
Speaker 1: set a series of skills that anyone can acquire. And
Speaker 1: so the Game of Desires teaching people how to be
Speaker 1: more attractive awesome. Did you talk about dating in that, well, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because we had a lot of questions from people about
Speaker 1: dating and we kind of feel ill prepared to discuss
Speaker 1: that because we haven't dated anyone in seventeen years, and
Speaker 1: you know, it's although you guys are probably everyone's go
Speaker 1: to everything. One of your friends go to you the recipe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like no, because we're just like, please don't look at
Speaker 1: us like we are the gurus, because this just works
Speaker 1: for us and we're still figuring it out day to day.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to tell someone I don't know
Speaker 1: because how did you in continue make it work. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to make it work today. I don't
Speaker 1: know what I've done over the past seven years to
Speaker 1: still be at this point. I know what I've worked
Speaker 1: on myself, I know what I want out of my wife,
Speaker 1: but I can't verbally articulate to someone if you do
Speaker 1: these steps, this is what you do to have a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, especially sexually, because we struggled with with uh
Speaker 1: sexuality in our relationship so much because I'm trying to
Speaker 1: do everything to be for her, She's trying to do
Speaker 1: everything to be for me, and it seems like sometimes
Speaker 1: we just don't hit at the right spot. And then Melissa,
Speaker 1: she made a very good point that I never thought
Speaker 1: about from a man standpoint. As a woman, she was
Speaker 1: shamed for having any sexual desires her whole entire life.
Speaker 1: She grew up in Kevin on Stage wife, growing up
Speaker 1: down south, growing up in a Baptist culture. So the
Speaker 1: fact that you've been shamed your whole life, now you
Speaker 1: get married and you're supposed to be free sexually with
Speaker 1: this man as your husband. It's almost like that shame
Speaker 1: doesn't go away. So now you're in the bedroom with
Speaker 1: this man and you're still feeling shamed, but you're trying
Speaker 1: to open up. I never thought about that from a
Speaker 1: woman's standpoint, and it kind of makes sense to me
Speaker 1: as a man. Now, why you you find a woman
Speaker 1: and you want to do all these things and you're
Speaker 1: asking her to open up, and she's kind of like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what you mean. I don't know. I've
Speaker 1: been doing this my whole life is you know? Learning
Speaker 1: that from her and listening to her perspective made me
Speaker 1: realize that. And I want to ask you, what age
Speaker 1: do you start as a as a woman, A young
Speaker 1: woman to explore your sexuality. What ages is safe? Really?
Speaker 1: I mean, your sexuality is is a constant right. It
Speaker 1: is with you from the moment that you enter this world.
Speaker 1: It's with you from the time that you're an embryo, right,
Speaker 1: and so there's a constant need to explore question to
Speaker 1: figure it out. One of the best things I did
Speaker 1: in school for sexologies, we had this age by age
Speaker 1: assessment of like what's normal sexual behavior? I'm like, everyone
Speaker 1: should read this because it's this idea that like, yeah,
Speaker 1: like you're constantly evolving as a sexual person and you
Speaker 1: should be aware of it. I think as even as
Speaker 1: a parent, you know, a lot of parents get concerned
Speaker 1: when they see there, Like my friend her seven year
Speaker 1: old was humping a laundry basket and she was like, really,
Speaker 1: like should I could take him to a therapist or
Speaker 1: something wrong? Like this completely normal sexual behavior. You can
Speaker 1: talk about appropriate places to indulge, not appropriate places, but
Speaker 1: you can have that conversation about their body and it's
Speaker 1: age appropriate. But use the right terms. Don't lie because
Speaker 1: if you lie and they go to school and found
Speaker 1: out you made that storic stuff up, right, They're not
Speaker 1: gonna come to anymore. As a trusted source because like
Speaker 1: mom and Dad don't know what they're talking about, clearly,
Speaker 1: all my seven and eight year old friends do not.
Speaker 1: So I'll stick over here exactly and when I and
Speaker 1: people don't always remember the details of anything, of any conversation,
Speaker 1: and I may not remember exactly what was said, but
Speaker 1: they will remember how they felt and if they felt awkward,
Speaker 1: if they felt lied to, if they felt embarrassed, They're
Speaker 1: never going to reproach that discussion again. So I'd say
Speaker 1: I mean all throughout, but absolutely, I think for a
Speaker 1: lot of people in general, it's like such confusing messaging.
Speaker 1: And someone says to me about about dating, like in Christianity,
Speaker 1: it's like, don't date, don't date, don't date, and then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you turn twenty eight, like why
Speaker 1: aren't you marriage married? Right? It's yeah, and you should
Speaker 1: be married and you should be satisfying your spouse and
Speaker 1: you should be everything in the right way because now
Speaker 1: you have the red light to do it. But it
Speaker 1: was between like they're either like trying to make you
Speaker 1: abstain with everything in their body or they're pissed that
Speaker 1: you don't have four kids by now. It's it's funny
Speaker 1: you say that we have three boys, which a lot
Speaker 1: of people know already. But um, two years ago we
Speaker 1: had an issue with Jackson and the cell phone, and
Speaker 1: we always tell a story where he had Kay's grandmother's
Speaker 1: cell phone and she was like, we gotta talk to Jackson.
Speaker 1: I'm like why, and he's like, I'm looking at his history,
Speaker 1: his search history, and he was looking up Twerking right,
Speaker 1: and he was looking up girls Twerking girls, tworking on Fortnite, girls,
Speaker 1: tworking on Justin Bieber girls, tworking in NBA two K
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, talked to him, So I
Speaker 1: want to talk to him. And the first thing I
Speaker 1: did was trying to make him feel comfortable about having
Speaker 1: the conversation because he was clearly flustered, like I was
Speaker 1: looking at something I wasn't supposed to be looking at,
Speaker 1: you know, because we have all of the parental controls
Speaker 1: on his like I've had and stuff, but when my phone,
Speaker 1: I'm not a spy. I just want to know what
Speaker 1: my children are involved in what they're looking at, because
Speaker 1: the accessibility that they have to everything, I want to
Speaker 1: be able to navigate and be able to educate. So no,
Speaker 1: I didn't think it was wrong that you're spy, but
Speaker 1: you are, so we had I love to turnaround. Just
Speaker 1: call me Dora everything. We got this thing on our house,
Speaker 1: this ring thing where you can see through the doorbell
Speaker 1: who's at the front door. And every time I go
Speaker 1: to the door to do something, all that hairs. Hey, hey,
Speaker 1: it's connected to her. She's like, what are you doing? Like, yo,
Speaker 1: you have problems. But I want to be sure that
Speaker 1: I can educate my boys as much as possible. Going
Speaker 1: through the social media era where like K said, they
Speaker 1: have accessibility to everything you said started five, Jackson's already eight.
Speaker 1: I need to know what to do because I mean,
Speaker 1: clearly he's interested. Even even me. I'm looking through phones.
Speaker 1: A girl will come up. Before, when he was younger,
Speaker 1: a girl will come up and he was like, no, daddy,
Speaker 1: No now. Girl come up and he's like, hmm, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So obviously he's starting to get injury,
Speaker 1: starting to feel things. And I remember when I was
Speaker 1: in third grade going to fourth grade, that's when I
Speaker 1: had my first little crush on the girl. I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that he knows how to handle these
Speaker 1: situations right way. Of course, be respectful, no, it's appropriate
Speaker 1: and inappropriate. What are some things that we can as
Speaker 1: parents due to prepare our young men and women to
Speaker 1: deal with their sexuality. I think we're looking for natural
Speaker 1: segues into conversations. I think when people making an intentional talk,
Speaker 1: like even in a relationship, like we need to talk,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. I'm scared, I'm
Speaker 1: stressed out. Whereas in if it's just like we're watching
Speaker 1: a TV show, like some parents said to me, Gray's
Speaker 1: Anatomy is like one of the best shows you can
Speaker 1: watch with your kids because so many health topics, so
Speaker 1: many topics about relationships come up, and it's a natural
Speaker 1: tie in to be like, oh, like, have you ever
Speaker 1: had this happened to you? I think a big thing
Speaker 1: too as parents is using yourself be the change you
Speaker 1: wish to see in the world. So if you want
Speaker 1: your kids to be more and honest, be honest about yourself.
Speaker 1: I said as well on my parents my parents, My
Speaker 1: mom told the story of like, well I met your
Speaker 1: father and we fell in love, we got married, we
Speaker 1: had kids, and that was that. And I I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna feel comfortable coming to her at fourteen and being
Speaker 1: like Hey, I'm masturbated with a pickle yesterday. What's wrong
Speaker 1: with me? Right? If this person is so perfect in
Speaker 1: their sexuality, why would I ever feel comfortable saying I'm
Speaker 1: looking up Justin bieber Torkin videos. So it's using your
Speaker 1: own self as an example, but looking for natural segways
Speaker 1: for the conversation just to become natural. Um that I
Speaker 1: actually was saying you guys like, oh, we don't what
Speaker 1: advice would give to people. I think having this podcast
Speaker 1: is so incredible, Like just the intentionality and having to
Speaker 1: talk so much about your feelings, your experiences, looking for
Speaker 1: natural segways to reflect on your own relationships is perfect. Right.
Speaker 1: So if you can kind of take that format with
Speaker 1: your kids and just if something comes up on TV
Speaker 1: or they're watching a video, you see something, use that
Speaker 1: as a way to ask questions, to share a story,
Speaker 1: to add a little bit tibit of knowledge in there,
Speaker 1: to say, oh, you know what, you should have to
Speaker 1: check out this book or watch this video that I did.
Speaker 1: And the more that the culture of conversation is just
Speaker 1: a natural dynamic in the relationship. It'll evolve over time
Speaker 1: and appropriately as need be for them. And then my
Speaker 1: parents weren't super weren't open at all about talking about
Speaker 1: sex or anything. So a lot of things I figured
Speaker 1: out was like through the coldest winsterever or like friends
Speaker 1: and you know, fly girl and stuff. And I think
Speaker 1: what prevented me from being kind of you know, I
Speaker 1: guess being free sex sexually when I was younger was
Speaker 1: just the fair that I had a shame that I
Speaker 1: god forbid my mother or my father or somebody and
Speaker 1: my family found that. So I kind of suppressed a
Speaker 1: lot of what I was thinking or had questions about
Speaker 1: because it was just a fair like don't do it,
Speaker 1: just don't do it, and that was just the answer.
Speaker 1: So I definitely don't want that approach with our boys,
Speaker 1: you know, especially young black men growing up in this
Speaker 1: uh this world today. I want to make sure that
Speaker 1: they have the right channels and they're fully informed about
Speaker 1: what they need to be informed about. I guess just
Speaker 1: being you know, strategic and being tactful with the approach
Speaker 1: and the time we only have to think about it.
Speaker 1: Like in Caise sex sex is the only area in
Speaker 1: life where we employed the logic the more you know,
Speaker 1: the worst decisions you're gonna make, or the more reckless.
Speaker 1: You're going to make decisions base or that doesn't apply
Speaker 1: like anything, right. Yeah, if your kid wants to do
Speaker 1: skateboard and you want to show them as much information
Speaker 1: positive negative, here's the success stories. Here's a kid who
Speaker 1: went to the hospital. Yeah, here's everything you have to
Speaker 1: know about it. Okay, go ahead. That will empower them
Speaker 1: to make better decisions for themselves. And also in the
Speaker 1: moment when things come up that are unexpected, they're going
Speaker 1: to have a catalog of information to go through. But
Speaker 1: in sex, we're like, oh if if I tell them
Speaker 1: and then they you know what I mean. But we
Speaker 1: just don't want to be I think that's also the
Speaker 1: problem to people just don't want to be the ones
Speaker 1: like the schools like, well, I'm not saying it because
Speaker 1: I don't want to get blamed. The parents like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying because I don't want to get blamed.
Speaker 1: And then the kids are like, well, I'll tell you.
Speaker 1: Here's this video I saw yesterday on corn hub dot com.
Speaker 1: Pull up a chair. That's so true. But it also
Speaker 1: brings me to like why I asked about the kids,
Speaker 1: because I feel like we became better sexual partners when
Speaker 1: we started to unpact why she was the way she
Speaker 1: was with sex growing up, why I am way I
Speaker 1: am with sex growing up? And it made me realize,
Speaker 1: like them, if I have more communication with my parents,
Speaker 1: I probably would have been a better partner to my wife.
Speaker 1: If she had more communications, she would have been a
Speaker 1: better partner to me. So I feel like people in
Speaker 1: relationships to start to rather than just say, let's work
Speaker 1: on our sex, let's unpack why I am the way
Speaker 1: I am before I even get in a relationship, Before
Speaker 1: the actual act of sex. There's the intimacy portion, there's
Speaker 1: the feelings portion, there's how we arrive at that physical
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of times people kind of
Speaker 1: forgo that to just be like, well, we just want
Speaker 1: to have sex, and how do we get to the
Speaker 1: sex part? But there's so much more with a connection
Speaker 1: that you have with somebody and the feeling part that
Speaker 1: goes into it. So if that's lacking, it only makes
Speaker 1: sense why the physical becomes an issue or it feels
Speaker 1: for sometimes at least absolutely And also kind of like
Speaker 1: what you said, I learned a lot about sex through
Speaker 1: watching porn help or watching spice. So what you expect
Speaker 1: your wife to do is from watching a porn star,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of like if you don't realize like
Speaker 1: that that it's like an exaggerated version of what sex is,
Speaker 1: then you expect that, and then when that person doesn't
Speaker 1: deliver it, you feel like they're failing you, you know.
Speaker 1: And I was victim to that because no one really
Speaker 1: spoke to me about sex. No one said that, hey,
Speaker 1: sex is supposed to be this. When I turned ten
Speaker 1: was the first time I was introduced to Spice channel
Speaker 1: channel sixty nine on a cable box. Then I watched it. Oh,
Speaker 1: I watched it should get a sponsorship sixty nine. It's
Speaker 1: that's like amazing. I realized throughout my life what I
Speaker 1: thought sex was really wasn't what it was like. No,
Speaker 1: no woman is ever going to walk to your door
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, can somebody fix my pipes? Like
Speaker 1: that's just not that's not gonna happen in real life.
Speaker 1: And then when it doesn't happen, you feel like my
Speaker 1: sex life supping unless you decided to do a little
Speaker 1: role play, and then it's like, okay, that may be
Speaker 1: some way that people are absolutely work for them in
Speaker 1: terms of you know, trying to get there. You know,
Speaker 1: like I just feel like people need to unpack how
Speaker 1: they learned about sex in their lives before they start
Speaker 1: to have sex with other people. If they want to
Speaker 1: have sex for the rest of their life, that's important
Speaker 1: because we're stuck with each other for the rest of
Speaker 1: you reinventing it. Like I always say to partners when
Speaker 1: they're like, I want to introduce something new, Like the
Speaker 1: two best ways are porn number one or number two?
Speaker 1: Using fantasy I had a fantasy about you and me,
Speaker 1: or I had a dream last night. What do you
Speaker 1: think about trying this right? Or it's like, hey, there's
Speaker 1: this thing, this video that I saw, What do you
Speaker 1: think about trying this the same capacity? And then of
Speaker 1: course you take that and understanding because you know, porn
Speaker 1: is to sex what w w E is to fighting. Right,
Speaker 1: That's just the great analogies you have here. What do
Speaker 1: you say for couples who say one person is saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I want to try something different in
Speaker 1: the bedroom, so they decided to go for a toy
Speaker 1: like I did. Yeah in my story, and the other
Speaker 1: is not as receptive to it, whether it be the
Speaker 1: man or the woman, or the woman and the woman
Speaker 1: or the man of the man. How do you now
Speaker 1: encourage people to introduce things like that into a relationship
Speaker 1: or into the bedroom without the other feeling away about it.
Speaker 1: What's kind of like what Devil was saying about that
Speaker 1: understanding of the years that it's taken you in terms
Speaker 1: of shame, and so what a lot of people tend
Speaker 1: to do is like, Okay, just say I want to
Speaker 1: try threesome. Now, I have watched hours of threesome videos,
Speaker 1: and I have read books on it, and I've talked
Speaker 1: to friends about it, and I've done all this research.
Speaker 1: When I come to my partner, I have the benefit
Speaker 1: maybe of two plus weeks, maybe even two months of research,
Speaker 1: and I'm putting it on you in this moment to
Speaker 1: make a decision and be on the exact same page
Speaker 1: as me. It doesn't really work that way, And that
Speaker 1: could be something even as toys like you've got all
Speaker 1: the sites, you've read, the reviews, you asked, your friend,
Speaker 1: you had an interview, You're like, okay, great, I feel
Speaker 1: empowered now. My partner and their partners at ground zero.
Speaker 1: So you can't expect for them to be on the
Speaker 1: exact same page of you in the exact same moment.
Speaker 1: So you may want to start off with, hey, here's what,
Speaker 1: here's some different catalogs. We think it's cool. Let's make
Speaker 1: a trip to the sex toy shop so we can
Speaker 1: learn together from like a guide and see what feels
Speaker 1: exciting for us, like what's good for you, what's good
Speaker 1: for me, and then give the person some space, you know.
Speaker 1: So there's so you have to go through the process together,
Speaker 1: not just because for for us sometimes it's like let
Speaker 1: me spring it on him. That would be exciting, because
Speaker 1: you don't see that that works a lot. What couple
Speaker 1: if it does, great, you know what I mean. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like if I said to you, like, let's
Speaker 1: try rabbit today and you're like, I've never eaten rabbit before.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of research I want to do before
Speaker 1: I'm ready to try rabbit, where some people maybe I'm down.
Speaker 1: It kind of depends on what your partner is like.
Speaker 1: But the expectation shouldn't be there because you weren't there
Speaker 1: on day one when you first heard about the idea,
Speaker 1: you were like, that's interesting. Let me look into it
Speaker 1: some more. So I think giving that space is great,
Speaker 1: and it's a benefit if your partner has already done
Speaker 1: the research because they can just share it with you
Speaker 1: for sure. Absolutely, Wow, so much to do, There's still
Speaker 1: more to learn about this whole questions. Um, So for
Speaker 1: a guy like myself who works out a lot, whose
Speaker 1: sex drive is very, very high, and I have my
Speaker 1: beautiful wife who every time I look at her, like
Speaker 1: you said, I just I want to have sex with her? Right,
Speaker 1: what do we do to continue to keep this thing
Speaker 1: going so that it doesn't become a resentment thing towards
Speaker 1: one or the other. Because we've also been told she's
Speaker 1: been told about plenty of people. When she turns forty,
Speaker 1: it's gonna flip. Her sex drive is going to be high,
Speaker 1: is going to be several women in that tree. They're like,
Speaker 1: don't worry, don't worry, because it's going tables are going
Speaker 1: turn and he's not gonna be able to keep up
Speaker 1: with you. And I'm just waiting for the day counting there. Well,
Speaker 1: all the changes are good, I think, like any change
Speaker 1: in your sex life forces you to examine it and
Speaker 1: to start having more discussions. And I've heard both. I've
Speaker 1: heard preman bosl people who are not interested. I've heard
Speaker 1: people who are are very interested. I've heard thirties as
Speaker 1: women's sexual peak. And so I've applaud anybody who finds
Speaker 1: like a second wind or something exciting, and you already
Speaker 1: found a new position that you like. Maybe that in
Speaker 1: itself will spark you to be like, I'm more intrigued,
Speaker 1: but understanding what her turn on trigger is maybe allowing
Speaker 1: her once in a while to be the one who
Speaker 1: actually instigates, and so that empowerment like let me choose,
Speaker 1: like let me pick the time in the place, and
Speaker 1: also to like, as a mom and as a businesswoman,
Speaker 1: I'm sure sometimes the end of the day is an
Speaker 1: ideal if there's a two pm window and you guys
Speaker 1: are both free and like, that kind of makes more sense,
Speaker 1: like go with that as opposed to try and like
Speaker 1: some people say scheduling sex, which I think can work
Speaker 1: for some couples. Yeah, I can just see that, Like you,
Speaker 1: it sets up an expectation to be a field disappointment,
Speaker 1: because what if you don't feel like in the mood
Speaker 1: of the time, what if you're tired? I will say,
Speaker 1: as like, this bonus fact is like Dr Ian Kerner
Speaker 1: found that some women's sexual arousal cycle doesn't kick in
Speaker 1: until five ten minutes into four play, so you may
Speaker 1: not even feel like doing it until you're like ten
Speaker 1: minutes in. I raised my hands. So that's where scheduling
Speaker 1: can be useful, where it's like, Okay, we set the
Speaker 1: intention and that's the scientific fact that's five to ten
Speaker 1: minutes into it. Because I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes sometimes
Speaker 1: I try to, you know, I try to gauge whether
Speaker 1: she's in the mood. And what I don't want to
Speaker 1: do is I don't want to like force get her
Speaker 1: in the mood because then it doesn't seem genuine. I
Speaker 1: don't want her to feel like she's forced to have sex.
Speaker 1: But then I tell him that's where the intimacy factor
Speaker 1: comes in. So if you're doing things to try to
Speaker 1: get me there versus just like you're ready to go, Yes,
Speaker 1: you appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah, but sometimes it's
Speaker 1: turn off for me as a man, Like I'm trying
Speaker 1: to get you in the mood and you don't seem
Speaker 1: like you in the mood. It's like, all right, I
Speaker 1: don't want to bother her. You know, that can be
Speaker 1: a turn off for me. So it's like, sometimes it's
Speaker 1: like what could be a trigger for you, it's not
Speaker 1: triggering me at all. So now you may be in
Speaker 1: the move five minutes, ten minutes into four play, but
Speaker 1: I've been doing this and you've been looking this interested,
Speaker 1: but now I'm not interested. And then sometimes I know,
Speaker 1: like it's been like a day or two, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: he's gonna want to do it, So I'll go take
Speaker 1: a shower and then I will take it upon myself
Speaker 1: to get myself in the mood for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1: So if he knows I'm in the bathroom a little longer,
Speaker 1: it's probably because I'm out there doing something to myself recently.
Speaker 1: And then I'll come to him more ready, so it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: we both meet meeting each other at this level of
Speaker 1: like intensity, and then we can get get a pop
Speaker 1: in because he may not want to have to put
Speaker 1: the work, and sometimes he probably wants me to come
Speaker 1: and just be ready so he can be like, no,
Speaker 1: it's no, I don't mind putting the work in. I
Speaker 1: just hate feeling like I'm forcing my wife to have
Speaker 1: sex like that to me just doesn't It doesn't do
Speaker 1: anything for me, like I want to have sex with
Speaker 1: someone who wants to have sex with me, so if
Speaker 1: I feel like, I know she's tired, I know she's
Speaker 1: not in a mood at that point already. I'm just like,
Speaker 1: it's just not I'm not entire scene because I don't
Speaker 1: want to put that on her. I really don't like.
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like she gave me three kids, all right,
Speaker 1: let me just wait until she's in the mood. But
Speaker 1: then waiting ends of being four or five days, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, if you haven't had sex since
Speaker 1: like last week Thursday, And she's like, okay, okay, I do,
Speaker 1: I remember, but but I get it though, I just
Speaker 1: don't know. We're just trying to figure out how You've
Speaker 1: been trying to figure out how to make it work.
Speaker 1: Because she'll say to me, she's like, well, if you
Speaker 1: want to have sex, why don't you just come on
Speaker 1: to me, And I'm like, because I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: want to. I want you to want it, like I
Speaker 1: don't you know what I'm saying, Like that's been our
Speaker 1: biggest issue lately, and we both understand that, like we're understanding,
Speaker 1: but we're both trying to figure out what we can
Speaker 1: do to kind of make it work, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean you're doing all the right things to have the discussions,
Speaker 1: looking for the compromise you can both do like the
Speaker 1: key the three flagpoles of a good relationship or I'm
Speaker 1: going to ask. I was like, what are the big
Speaker 1: maybe the three three tips or the three things that
Speaker 1: you can give for better sex or you know, whatever
Speaker 1: you feel the three tips hard to give us give
Speaker 1: us some takeaways for our list for sex on give three.
Speaker 1: But relationship is just like self insight, emotional regulation and
Speaker 1: mutuality and off inside is like what can I do?
Speaker 1: Emotional regulation, how I feel is not always right, so
Speaker 1: that ego regulations that sometimes that's even that conversation with
Speaker 1: yourself when you get that ego like they should just
Speaker 1: want me. Then being like, scientifically, this weird can get
Speaker 1: love right now? Does it really work that way? Every
Speaker 1: time said scientifically, it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 1: And I know she wants me. I know that I'm hot,
Speaker 1: I know that I'm fired. We had this amazing conversation,
Speaker 1: like I know I did an incredible job last time.
Speaker 1: I know she takes five minutes to get into it.
Speaker 1: So you know what, it's not a big deal for
Speaker 1: me to give her a specific compliment and the fact
Speaker 1: that she has laser away all her booty whole hair
Speaker 1: that looks amazing. Absolutely what I mean like just something
Speaker 1: that you know and I think as well for you,
Speaker 1: like I think working yourself out and be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: let me give myself the moment to get into the
Speaker 1: zone so I can approach my partner, so that mutuality
Speaker 1: of I'm gonna go the extra mile for my partner
Speaker 1: because I know they'll go the extra mile for me.
Speaker 1: And as long as you guys keep doing that, you're
Speaker 1: going to find the balance somewhere. See, that's the key.
Speaker 1: That that is the key, like continuing to work on
Speaker 1: your self and be in a position where you're willing
Speaker 1: to go to the extra mile for your partner. I
Speaker 1: know if I continue to do that for k she'll
Speaker 1: be willing to do that for me. And that's what
Speaker 1: people always ask People always ask, like what makes you
Speaker 1: all work? I really feel like that's what it is.
Speaker 1: It's not going to be perfect. Every single day. We're
Speaker 1: going to express that it's not perfect, but we're going
Speaker 1: to continue to work to try to reach whatever level
Speaker 1: of perfection we can reach because we'll never reach it.
Speaker 1: So that that when you think about your friend relationships
Speaker 1: that don't work. If you put it to that like
Speaker 1: three litmus test, you can always see where the breakoff
Speaker 1: point is. Where it's like one person and they get
Speaker 1: that stale made of like, well, I'm not doing it
Speaker 1: because you didn't do that. I'm not doing they have
Speaker 1: strong person. That's just I'm not going to bend and
Speaker 1: you can't do that in a relationship. I like that
Speaker 1: term of emotional regulation. Yeah, I think that that's very
Speaker 1: very important. When I hit you with the baby, I'm
Speaker 1: not emotionally not in that context to prescribe somebody prescribe.
Speaker 1: I'm talking hypothetically before we go. You have to just
Speaker 1: give us, you know, for better sex, tap three things
Speaker 1: for better sex. I would say sex never gets dull
Speaker 1: if you're authentically expressing yourself in the moment um. There
Speaker 1: was this study that they had people who were hearing
Speaker 1: impaired have sex versus people who you know, have hearing,
Speaker 1: and the sounds were completely different. That's just because like
Speaker 1: our sexuality is so much more socialized than we think.
Speaker 1: It's so much more performance based. And so if you
Speaker 1: can just give yourself an authentic space to make the
Speaker 1: sounds you want to the faces you want to. My
Speaker 1: husband was my friend's Benefits first, and the reason I
Speaker 1: chose them as a friends of benefits is like the
Speaker 1: first day that we were like sexual, his hands were
Speaker 1: down there and I looked at his face and he
Speaker 1: was like a painter. It was just such so like
Speaker 1: this beautiful expression with his hands were moving and it
Speaker 1: was just such an authentic expression felt in the moment.
Speaker 1: So if you can try your best to detach yourself
Speaker 1: when you think you're supposed to be doing sounding like
Speaker 1: looking like expressing in the bedroom and just really respond
Speaker 1: to what's going on, sex will always be different. So
Speaker 1: really just being in the moment. But just like if
Speaker 1: that weird sound wants to come out, so be it.
Speaker 1: If you have to, like you know, let out a
Speaker 1: vaginal fart, let it go. Like all those things are
Speaker 1: going to allow you to make it different and fresh
Speaker 1: every time. Number two, I'd say mixing sensations. Um, if
Speaker 1: you want to spice things up, like there's if you
Speaker 1: can do this, that's a nice feeling, But if you
Speaker 1: can do this and do that at the same time,
Speaker 1: it's a new feeling altogether. And so even if you
Speaker 1: know while you're going down on your partner, you give
Speaker 1: them like a booty massage, or you rake the inner
Speaker 1: parts of their thighs, or massage their mom's pubis like,
Speaker 1: there's so many different things when I'm not the place
Speaker 1: where you're where your pubic care girls, she said, your
Speaker 1: mom's like she just got weird in here. I know
Speaker 1: you the sex salagist, but whatever they do with that,
Speaker 1: come on, I get you anatomy together. We're gonna go
Speaker 1: not alright. And the final one I would say is
Speaker 1: just like yeah, like mixing um. I would go with
Speaker 1: like listening to fantasy, asking about fantasies, having conversations with
Speaker 1: your partner about, you know, their sexual fantasies, and making
Speaker 1: sure that communication is not always negative. I think we
Speaker 1: think about communicating about sex. It's expressing when we don't
Speaker 1: like something. But I love what we did at the
Speaker 1: top of this episode that like, last time, what you
Speaker 1: did was amazing and that made me feel like and
Speaker 1: I think that made him feel like, all right, so
Speaker 1: let's try that again. And the excitement around wanting to
Speaker 1: try that again, you know what I mean. And it's
Speaker 1: like the crunchy, the crunchy sushi role that you're talking
Speaker 1: about It's like it was great in that moment, but
Speaker 1: it can just be that go to that we know
Speaker 1: it's going to be guaranteed a good time. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: have some like spicy Mayo next time. Parents. I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's not the right analogy, but it worked in the moment.
Speaker 1: It works, ye, spicy o and sex probably does not
Speaker 1: tax at all. I see what the plan is here
Speaker 1: to get me to not want to have sex. We
Speaker 1: didn't talked about your mom's pubis. We're talking about sushi.
Speaker 1: I see what's going on here. You're amazing. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for coming on today and talking about everything
Speaker 1: sexually related, because you know, we appreciate you and we
Speaker 1: know we're not the only ones that have issues, you know,
Speaker 1: with it, and it may not even just be a
Speaker 1: couple's thing and maybe an individual thing people trying to
Speaker 1: explore their sexuality and just knowing that there's nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with that, you know, nothing wrong with that. We have
Speaker 1: some listener letters where people right in and they give us,
Speaker 1: you know, questions and scenarios and they want our advice.
Speaker 1: Do you mind sticking around to talk to I just
Speaker 1: want to say thank you for having me and thank
Speaker 1: you for the work that you guys do, and I've
Speaker 1: learned so much. I'm really appreciative. Thank you for sure.
Speaker 1: And before we move into listener letters, tell everyone where
Speaker 1: they can find you. Tell us about your book, your website, everything,
Speaker 1: give us all the good. So my book is the
Speaker 1: game of desire. The quiz I spoke about turn on
Speaker 1: triggers is the game of desire dot com for sure?
Speaker 1: And are you on social media like Instagram and all that? Ye,
Speaker 1: you know what, you get one wish people, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: leave it at that, and like, go to the website,
Speaker 1: take the quiz. She's gonna really win. Then you're gonna
Speaker 1: be looking for her. That's all that. That's all that means.
Speaker 1: All right, we're gonna move into a quick break and
Speaker 1: move into listener letters, but we're gonna listen to some
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Speaker 1: podcast app. Alright, guys, so we're back now after listen
Speaker 1: to some ads, and it's time for my favorite part
Speaker 1: of the show. When Candee's favorite part of the show,
Speaker 1: the listener letters. We're also going to keep sharing with us. Yes, sexologists,
Speaker 1: sex specialists, sex Let's get to these listener letters. Okay,
Speaker 1: a question number one. My husband and I have been
Speaker 1: together fourteen years and married seven years. We also have
Speaker 1: three whole boys, oh five and three, very close. Just
Speaker 1: started support group. In the beginning we had NonStop sex. Literally.
Speaker 1: After three kids, we slowed down to about two times
Speaker 1: a week. Yes, I know it's bad, but don't judge me.
Speaker 1: I'm tired. I know, girl, I know you are. Because
Speaker 1: of the high courts of daycare. I worked the night
Speaker 1: shift and he watches the boys and vice versa. I
Speaker 1: get about four hours of sleep throughout the day because
Speaker 1: I'm watching our kids doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, doctor's appointment,
Speaker 1: drop balls and pick ups from school, and two separate
Speaker 1: sports practices. I know goes. I mean, I'm basically a
Speaker 1: stay at home mom, so when he gets home, sex
Speaker 1: is the last thing on my mind. What is some
Speaker 1: advice you can give us to help with our sex life, Shan,
Speaker 1: We talked with this whole time. Do you guys take
Speaker 1: the ball on this one? O m G. First of all,
Speaker 1: we have like parallel lives here almost with the exception
Speaker 1: of working night and that's I've heard just from people
Speaker 1: who work night shifts. For example, like my one of
Speaker 1: my good friends, she was she's a nurse and used
Speaker 1: to work the night shift. That in itself apparently throws
Speaker 1: off your whole cheat, like everything is just off once
Speaker 1: you're working night. Um, and I know what it's like
Speaker 1: like this it being the last thing on your mind.
Speaker 1: You're just being so super tired. But I'm sure that's
Speaker 1: because you're asking about it. It's something that's important to you,
Speaker 1: it's important to your husband's important to your marriage. At
Speaker 1: this point, Sis, I feel like although we said this
Speaker 1: is something maybe not ideal for some people. You may
Speaker 1: have to schedule it in like in your mind and
Speaker 1: not schedule it in saying honey, this is the time
Speaker 1: we're gonna have sex. Meet me here, but you knowing
Speaker 1: in your mind that I'm going to have to schedule
Speaker 1: sex in with my husband a little more frequently than
Speaker 1: we've been doing two times a week. That maybe a
Speaker 1: lot for some people. Maybe it's not. Maybe you know
Speaker 1: your husband needs more. But I would probably just have
Speaker 1: to just suck it up sometimes and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm tired, But like I do, sometimes I'm in the shower,
Speaker 1: I'll get myself going real quick knowing that you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to jump on him in surprising with that,
Speaker 1: and then he'll appreciate it more because he feels as, wow,
Speaker 1: she actually took the initiative to initiate sex with me. Um,
Speaker 1: But mentally do it for yourself, Like Devo doesn't know what,
Speaker 1: I have a mental calendar when I know sometimes like shoot,
Speaker 1: so times I miss a day. He was like, you know,
Speaker 1: it's been like two or three days, right, And I'm like, damn.
Speaker 1: But I normally have that mental you know, calendar in
Speaker 1: my head where I know, okay, it's approaching day two,
Speaker 1: almost three. I may not necessarily be in the mood,
Speaker 1: but for him I have to pull him in the
Speaker 1: shower with you if you have to, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, like making a situation where it's something a
Speaker 1: little bit different, so you know it's not going to
Speaker 1: be just the monotony of getting in bed, because we
Speaker 1: had struggle with that too. That's the one thing I
Speaker 1: hated was the end of the night and it's the
Speaker 1: height and we're in bed and it's slight, let's roll
Speaker 1: over and have sex. I hate that he hates that.
Speaker 1: You know, so knowing what your man likes and just
Speaker 1: trying to really meet him halfway. I think the joy
Speaker 1: is that this question is so common, and that means
Speaker 1: that one you're not alone. And too there is no
Speaker 1: magic answer, because if there was, it would have been
Speaker 1: given on every single right you'd all be happy. A
Speaker 1: lot of it is trial and error. But I love
Speaker 1: that you actually suggested two times a week, Like, there
Speaker 1: is massive amounts of health benefits to orgasming into sex
Speaker 1: in general, and doctors recommend two times a week to
Speaker 1: get the best matter benefits from it. Oh dope, Okay,
Speaker 1: so and that might have to actually relax. She says
Speaker 1: she was down to two times a week, so they
Speaker 1: were used to doing it more than that. We've slowed
Speaker 1: so she needs to get that third time. And at
Speaker 1: least the doctor said two is enough our blood pressure.
Speaker 1: Maybe there's other things other than actual intercourse. Maybe there's
Speaker 1: something you can do for him, and you're giving him
Speaker 1: oral sex one of those days out the week to
Speaker 1: make it a third for him, you know, that's what
Speaker 1: we have to do something. But I wonder, I wonder
Speaker 1: if it's that she doesn't want to have sex. Well,
Speaker 1: she's just tired. She says, she's tired. She's just tired.
Speaker 1: So he still wants to have of course, yeah he does. Well,
Speaker 1: he's not doing as much as much chores as her.
Speaker 1: But I know she's saying that she's she's like to
Speaker 1: stay at home mom and she works. She works at night. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that's a lot. Well, we got this thing that
Speaker 1: we do now. It's called closet time. Oh yeah, this
Speaker 1: is called closet time. It's something that we've created where
Speaker 1: when I noticed at the point where I was like,
Speaker 1: you may be tired or something, but I let her know,
Speaker 1: like early in the day, like, Yo, we need some
Speaker 1: closet time at some point throughout the day when she
Speaker 1: knows that I'm not gonna want to get into bed
Speaker 1: and have sex, so she'll pick any timeout to and
Speaker 1: she'd like, come meet me in the closet right now. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's something we started. Maybe we have a big closet
Speaker 1: now that we've moved so we can actually fit in me.
Speaker 1: You'll come behind me and whisper like I love it.
Speaker 1: She just knows like, at some point during the day,
Speaker 1: I'm just surprised, surprised what you would be Like I'm
Speaker 1: in one part of the house, he's in another part,
Speaker 1: and I'll texting like meet me in the closet, you know,
Speaker 1: and that becomes like our things. So that's why we've
Speaker 1: been smiling lately, because does look incredible both of you.
Speaker 1: The closet. It's the classet, girl, where the magic goes
Speaker 1: down stays in the classes. See if you can find
Speaker 1: a closet in the house, run away from the kids
Speaker 1: and textio Hub and be like me in the closet
Speaker 1: all right, FaceTime, and when you all naked, if you
Speaker 1: put on something sexy and be like, see, come meet
Speaker 1: me in the closet. There you go, Yes, there you go.
Speaker 1: All right, I's a question number two. One topic I
Speaker 1: have mixed feelings about with my husband is he tends
Speaker 1: to resort to pourn when I'm not in the mood
Speaker 1: or when he doesn't want to put in the effort
Speaker 1: to get me in the mood, because he's like to
Speaker 1: vow and he wants it daily. And I'm definitely like codeine,
Speaker 1: where every day can seem like you need to be
Speaker 1: having a crazy amount of energy to get freaky, and
Speaker 1: my husband is definitely no one minute man. I obviously
Speaker 1: want him to be sexually satisfied. And it was also
Speaker 1: a habit he had before we met. I guess yeah.
Speaker 1: So I've discussed it with him and he sees nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with it, and I've never made a huge issue
Speaker 1: out of it, as I'd rather he do that than
Speaker 1: have the urge to cheat on me. I'm worried it's
Speaker 1: allowing us to lose our intimate connection. It's porn. Something
Speaker 1: you guys deal with or have concerns with. Thoughts on it? Thanks,
Speaker 1: I think I think I said earlier. Um, I feel
Speaker 1: like I had unfair expectations for the woman I was
Speaker 1: going to marry by watching so much. Point, because I
Speaker 1: did watch a lot of porn, I personally did not
Speaker 1: like watching porn once I got into a relationship because
Speaker 1: I felt like, if I have a girlfriend and we're
Speaker 1: going to be monogamous, I don't wanna have to satisfy myself.
Speaker 1: So that's why I would always put the pressure on
Speaker 1: her to have sex every time, Um, I wanted to
Speaker 1: have sex. Then, like we said before, you have to
Speaker 1: realize how unfair that is. So then I was just like,
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe if I don't watch porn and
Speaker 1: I was just kind of center myself when I wasn't
Speaker 1: having sex, the sex would be that much better when
Speaker 1: we actually had sex and not for nothing. That's what's
Speaker 1: worked for me. You know what I'm saying. I don't
Speaker 1: watch porn nearly as much as I used to. Number one,
Speaker 1: because I got three kids, don't have any time, and
Speaker 1: when I with my wife, I want to spend time
Speaker 1: with her. So I think point can be an issue
Speaker 1: if it's a m if it becomes a distraction from
Speaker 1: intimacy and from your family life. But I do understand
Speaker 1: where she's coming from as far as saying I'd rather
Speaker 1: him watch porn than go cheat. We had our moments
Speaker 1: like that because I was just especially like post baby
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. He was extremely understanding of of
Speaker 1: course I just had kids and stuff like that. So
Speaker 1: you know, even after the sixth week and we can
Speaker 1: still have sex. I just wasn't there physically. I wasn't
Speaker 1: there emotionally. I was not in tune with him sexually.
Speaker 1: So sometimes I would just be like just go, like,
Speaker 1: go watch some porn. I got no satisfaction from. I
Speaker 1: rather be with my wife. I'd rather have that connection,
Speaker 1: that animalistic attraction, that that fight in the bed. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like I want that, Like watching
Speaker 1: porn doesn't do it for me like that. What's your
Speaker 1: take on porn? And I mean you spoke lightly on it,
Speaker 1: but couple particularly. I think porn is neutral. It's neither
Speaker 1: good nor bad. It's neither healthy nor is it toxic
Speaker 1: to a relationship. It's how somebody interacts with it. I
Speaker 1: would say, make a really strong effort to ensure that
Speaker 1: your opinion is based on your relationship, not on like
Speaker 1: an outside perception. I think that there's this idea that
Speaker 1: porn is bad in relationships, and so if your partner
Speaker 1: is watching it. It It sounds like she's like, we have
Speaker 1: an okay, agreement with it. But I worry if I'm
Speaker 1: doing something wrong because maybe I've heard my friends say,
Speaker 1: like I don't let my husband watch porn, or I
Speaker 1: would never did it out. And if it's like no,
Speaker 1: if this is the way that you guys are managing
Speaker 1: your mismatch sex drive, it's also a way that allows
Speaker 1: you to have the time that you want for yourself.
Speaker 1: And I like, like what you just said, like they're
Speaker 1: not They're not apples to apples. It's a very different experience.
Speaker 1: And even like masturbation and partner play, I'm not the
Speaker 1: same thing. Masturbation might be a part of your individual wellness,
Speaker 1: while partner plague is about a connection with each other
Speaker 1: and also individual wellness. And so I would just really
Speaker 1: have the question of is this that big of a deal.
Speaker 1: Maybe I think that it might be, But if our
Speaker 1: connection is faltering, then yes we should examine how porn
Speaker 1: might be impacting that. But I think someone can have
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship with porn and a healthy sexual relationship
Speaker 1: with their partner and those two things not be mutually exclusive.
Speaker 1: That's one thing I like that you said that may
Speaker 1: so much sense. Was not listening to outside people's idea
Speaker 1: of what should be okay in your relationship, because we
Speaker 1: do see that with a lot of our married friends,
Speaker 1: the whope I wouldn't let my and then that becomes
Speaker 1: bible to people. But that may not work for you.
Speaker 1: And I appreciate that because I mean, we we live
Speaker 1: by that now. When we were younger, we definitely were
Speaker 1: kind of like trying to be the cookie cutter version
Speaker 1: of what married couples are. But now it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do a work for k, K, gonna do
Speaker 1: a work for the vow and that might work this week,
Speaker 1: and it might not work next week. We're gonna learn,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna learn. We're gonna talk about it. You know,
Speaker 1: my therapist told me. My therapist told me that I
Speaker 1: may have two much of a connection into this one woman.
Speaker 1: Like this is what she told him. She said, Listen,
Speaker 1: you love your wife a lot, clearly a lot, but
Speaker 1: it could be a point where it's a little unhealthy
Speaker 1: because you rely on her for every aspect of what
Speaker 1: you consider to be your happiness. And when she told
Speaker 1: me that, I had to kind of like take a
Speaker 1: step back and be like, you know what, She's right,
Speaker 1: and I'm doing at some point, I can't hold up
Speaker 1: to my end of the bargain. Whatever this end of
Speaker 1: the bargain is, I'm not able to do it. So
Speaker 1: I felt super inadequate so many times because I was
Speaker 1: just like, damn, I can't can't get it right, And
Speaker 1: it was super frustrating for me, and it was very
Speaker 1: like disheartening at some points because I felt like I
Speaker 1: can't beat this man happy. He's not satisfying, and there's
Speaker 1: something wrong with me, like to the point where I
Speaker 1: was just like, I need to see a doctor because
Speaker 1: something's wrong with my sex drive. And and then a
Speaker 1: friend of mine, who you know, she's into like all
Speaker 1: of these all natural health food store, you know, concoctions,
Speaker 1: she was just like, but you just had a baby,
Speaker 1: like you're your Mormon you was gonna be like Eatum's pubist,
Speaker 1: because she was pretty much like, let your damn hormones
Speaker 1: level out a little bit and then we can reassess
Speaker 1: if you legitimately have a problem or are you just
Speaker 1: still recovering from having a whole baby. Maybe that's what
Speaker 1: it is. And I was like, oh, I think you're right.
Speaker 1: I had two babies back to back, so maybe that's
Speaker 1: what it is. So now if I have any issues,
Speaker 1: I'm like, girl, send me them roots and them tease.
Speaker 1: I'm drinking if I have to drinking to just try
Speaker 1: to keep up with this guy. But we were two
Speaker 1: years out of baby, but it's still just also learning yourself.
Speaker 1: Are you guys? Will in Jada fans like are you yeah?
Speaker 1: So their whole met them? We just met. I gotta
Speaker 1: show you the sex down by the way. That's amazing.
Speaker 1: We just met. We just met them. Um, we're big fans.
Speaker 1: It's funny. Wills icon as an actor. Yes, I'm an actor,
Speaker 1: cod as an actor. She's a TV host. Of course.
Speaker 1: Jada has rented people automatically say you know, well, you
Speaker 1: guys are going to be our generation version of Will
Speaker 1: and Jada. I look up to them more for their
Speaker 1: relationship then I do anything else outside of you know,
Speaker 1: like TV or less of no matter. No, it's the
Speaker 1: way they they manage their children, the way they manage
Speaker 1: their relationship because they don't call it a marriage, you know,
Speaker 1: And it's just like it's interesting to see and they
Speaker 1: did it while in Hollywood. Oh my god, that's recent
Speaker 1: the Tyler Perry, Yes, the pure Yeah, that's amazing. You
Speaker 1: look beautiful. Oh my gosh, that is the perfect day
Speaker 1: to meet them. That you were so so humble and
Speaker 1: just so personal, and you know when you admire someone
Speaker 1: from Afar for so long and then you finally get
Speaker 1: to meet them and they're everything you thought they would
Speaker 1: be in more. Yeah, that was such a heartwarming, like
Speaker 1: we literally were Actually I want to ask you to
Speaker 1: send it to me, even though it has no relatance
Speaker 1: to my life, and I'm like, I have that you can.
Speaker 1: I understand it because that's how I feel about them
Speaker 1: as well, especially listening to them on Red Table Talk.
Speaker 1: They're very transparent, like Kadan and I are in a
Speaker 1: very unapologize There's some things that Will has said verbatim
Speaker 1: that I'm like, oh my god, it's to the point
Speaker 1: where it's scary. It is because it's literally like the
Speaker 1: same thing that he has said at some point to
Speaker 1: me about our relationship because we have so many conversations openly,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, this is insanity. So it
Speaker 1: was really refreshing and I sed to meet them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love their theory that relationships are b y o H,
Speaker 1: bring your own happiness, and that that was something that
Speaker 1: they've learned recently and through. They actually don't say marriage anymore,
Speaker 1: they just say life partners. Yeah, exactly where it starts.
Speaker 1: We've our relationship got so much better when I said, listen, kay,
Speaker 1: you you figure out what's gonna make you happy. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna figure out was gonna make me happy, and then
Speaker 1: we're just gonna share it. We're going to share it
Speaker 1: with each other for the rest of our lives. And
Speaker 1: there's just been so many more celebratory moments, yes, so many,
Speaker 1: and not so much of you're not doing this right,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. It was more now like
Speaker 1: I need to find out how I and do learn
Speaker 1: to do this and ship it with you and we
Speaker 1: can do it together. I feel like that was the
Speaker 1: moment in truth, all of us, a moment of truth
Speaker 1: all in it. I do because we normally end every
Speaker 1: episode with talking about what our moment of truth was
Speaker 1: for this episode, like what did we learn? What was
Speaker 1: our takeaway? And I feel like it was kind of
Speaker 1: wrapped up in one there, H bring your own happiness
Speaker 1: and your mom's pubis and sprinkling with a little tumoring God.
Speaker 1: Thank you for sticking around with us. Shan. Please make
Speaker 1: sure you guys go out and take a look. You've
Speaker 1: been a thank you. Fame of desire. Absolutely the quiz
Speaker 1: will be curious to know how y'all worked out with
Speaker 1: that quiz. I'm gonna go take it because I'm still
Speaker 1: trying to learn. Yes, myself and this guy, and be
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on social media. That's I am
Speaker 1: devout and I am and if you're listening what Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead Ass is
Speaker 1: a production of Stitcher. It's produced by t Square and
Speaker 1: Genora Pinion. Our chief content Officer is Chris Banning. Our
Speaker 1: associate producers are Kristen Torres and Treble. Our studio engineers
Speaker 1: are Brandon Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. We're back. I'm
Speaker 1: Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast
Speaker 1: going on right now. It's part of the Stitchen network
Speaker 1: called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.
Speaker 1: Do it. Please,