1
00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,080
Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

2
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,040
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,039
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

4
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,920
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has

5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,000
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available

6
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,880
Speaker 1: every rusticate your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go

7
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,520
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:31,000
Speaker 1: Go listen to see I buy. When it comes to

9
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,120
Speaker 1: getting it in in the bedroom, I find myself trying

10
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,440
Speaker 1: to find ways to reinvent things over and over again

11
00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:42,239
Speaker 1: so I could bust a wide open differently. Well, the

12
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,080
Speaker 1: real problem is that I just like having sex with

13
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,519
Speaker 1: you too much and I don't get tired of it.

14
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,560
Speaker 1: So good luck trying to find a way to keep

15
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,440
Speaker 1: it up, because I just love having sex with you, baby.

16
00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:04,840
Speaker 1: With all that. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis.

17
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,600
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our

18
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:12,080
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

19
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,760
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and

20
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,360
Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

21
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,920
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about

22
00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,120
Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks

23
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,120
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about through the lens of a

24
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,440
Speaker 1: millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we

25
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,920
Speaker 1: say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually

26
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:35,600
Speaker 1: saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

27
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,440
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to

28
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:43,800
Speaker 1: a whole new level. Dead ass starts now. So after

29
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,680
Speaker 1: seventeen years and about six days together, you know, I'm

30
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,440
Speaker 1: always trying to find ways to just make things a

31
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,960
Speaker 1: little bit different, make it a little spicy, without having

32
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,840
Speaker 1: to bring any other human beings into the bedroom. So

33
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,120
Speaker 1: I was at the Mom Friends back in May, shout

34
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,200
Speaker 1: to the girls who put on the Mom Friends, and um,

35
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:09,160
Speaker 1: we were talking about everything mom, love, household related and

36
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,400
Speaker 1: in that one of the boots that they had, you

37
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:20,280
Speaker 1: know at the market place was lust for Love Okay,

38
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,000
Speaker 1: And this was particularly interesting because I had my mom

39
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,000
Speaker 1: with me at the Mom Friends. So we passed the

40
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,840
Speaker 1: table of candles, we passed the table of you know,

41
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:33,160
Speaker 1: band aids for children of color, and then we passed

42
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:38,960
Speaker 1: the table of vibrators and dildos with my mom who

43
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:44,240
Speaker 1: is probably the most conservative person that I know, especially

44
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:47,240
Speaker 1: when it comes to sex. So we strolled past the table,

45
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,880
Speaker 1: and of course I had to stop because I know

46
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,720
Speaker 1: it made her uncomfortable. So of course I had to

47
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,160
Speaker 1: go and like touch a dildo in front of my mom,

48
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:57,040
Speaker 1: just because, just because. But I also was thinking, you

49
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,960
Speaker 1: know what, this is probably God's way of saying, Cadine,

50
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,639
Speaker 1: you stumbled upon this table of dildos and vibrators, maybe

51
00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:06,200
Speaker 1: you should go and be a consumer of the dildos

52
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,160
Speaker 1: and the vibrators. So at that point I spoke with

53
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,959
Speaker 1: the young lady you know, who was also on a

54
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,119
Speaker 1: panel that spoke about spicing up things in the bedroom

55
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,240
Speaker 1: sexual intimacy, got her Instagram page and I hit her

56
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,560
Speaker 1: up after and I was like, sis, listen, I was

57
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:28,000
Speaker 1: given a sign that I need to patron your business. Okay,

58
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,480
Speaker 1: so send me some of your best seller sists, whatever

59
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,560
Speaker 1: it is, send me your best sellers. And I went

60
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,600
Speaker 1: ahead and I supported her business, you know, made my

61
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,760
Speaker 1: payment on PayPal, and I was looking out for this package.

62
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,080
Speaker 1: And the package came and I'm hoping up the package

63
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,800
Speaker 1: literally and I was just like, wow, now I have

64
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:52,720
Speaker 1: to find a way to introduce these toys into the bedroom.

65
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:57,160
Speaker 1: How is the valuing respond to this? M hmm, good loving,

66
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:08,080
Speaker 1: they're rocking knocking, not long meg love to the Bregadne, Oh,

67
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,120
Speaker 1: come on our harmonies. I don't know what key you

68
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,920
Speaker 1: were in, but you were. You know I was in

69
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:20,360
Speaker 1: the key of D for devote with it. I love

70
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,440
Speaker 1: that song. That song will never die. It's on our

71
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,000
Speaker 1: playlist whenever we get ready to knock the boots. You

72
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,120
Speaker 1: gotta work on your tune though, like you gotta hold

73
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:31,159
Speaker 1: the ears because about being here, like a real throwback

74
00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:33,240
Speaker 1: R and B singing. Hold you got to everything you

75
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,880
Speaker 1: got to. But let me next time, let me know

76
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,240
Speaker 1: what key you're gonna be in, so I could try

77
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,680
Speaker 1: to do the alternate key because this key good love

78
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,599
Speaker 1: and body knocking boots, that's the key on me. All right, y'all.

79
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,440
Speaker 1: So you know we spoke about sex and every which

80
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,080
Speaker 1: way possible. I feel like we talked about sex at all.

81
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:53,719
Speaker 1: Devout come on like literally every episode, no matter how

82
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,560
Speaker 1: serious the topic is, Devout finds a way to slide

83
00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:01,320
Speaker 1: it in there. I'm private, I like slide stuff. You're

84
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,240
Speaker 1: so annoying, you up, you know what you think? By now?

85
00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:06,279
Speaker 1: All these years of dealing with you, I would know

86
00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:08,800
Speaker 1: how to even just like frame my statement so that

87
00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:10,719
Speaker 1: they don't allow for you to just make a sexual

88
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,960
Speaker 1: comment about it. But anyway, I figured, if we're going

89
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,880
Speaker 1: to talk more about sex, we might as well talk

90
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,320
Speaker 1: to someone who is a specialist in sex, what we

91
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:25,880
Speaker 1: would call a sexologist, you know. So we have somebody

92
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,760
Speaker 1: in the in the house today who knows a little

93
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,080
Speaker 1: something about something, Shann House. You know what, I never

94
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,240
Speaker 1: know a podcast when to jump out the cake one?

95
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,520
Speaker 1: Is it my time to be like here? So yes,

96
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,840
Speaker 1: I just told you and shan't give him a full name,

97
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,120
Speaker 1: Shan Boo dram. I also go buy Shan booty online

98
00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:45,120
Speaker 1: and manage expectations. Booty is a playoff my last name,

99
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,279
Speaker 1: not my anatomy. Then we go though considering what you do,

100
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,800
Speaker 1: it makes sense, it makes sense, But I just like

101
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,760
Speaker 1: I think sometimes people are some people read it Shann body,

102
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,920
Speaker 1: and it's just like not like that in real life,

103
00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:03,440
Speaker 1: you know, my So sex is a highly contested conversation

104
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,960
Speaker 1: in our relationship, so I don't know that already. So

105
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,640
Speaker 1: we've brought in a sex allergist to help us settle

106
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:13,200
Speaker 1: our differences. If that's possible learn a thing or two

107
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,559
Speaker 1: on how to keep things spicy for each other as well.

108
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,640
Speaker 1: So you are Shannon Expert Um and Intimacy, hosts of

109
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:25,560
Speaker 1: Facebook's Makeup or break Up, author, writer, YouTube star, and

110
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,640
Speaker 1: we are so excited to have you on the show today.

111
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,919
Speaker 1: So thank you for coming so big right now. I

112
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,760
Speaker 1: like people read the bio. I don't know why I

113
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,000
Speaker 1: tried to. I was trying to memorize it, but my

114
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,400
Speaker 1: brain's fried at this point. But you wanted me to

115
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,680
Speaker 1: keep it short, so I try to keep it short.

116
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,599
Speaker 1: It was short, sweet and beautiful. Point. I wonderful, wonderful thing.

117
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,880
Speaker 1: My production team for that. Yeah, shout out to the

118
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,320
Speaker 1: production deep. So let me tell you, um, So then

119
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,840
Speaker 1: I have been together. We just celebrated seventeen years together.

120
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,200
Speaker 1: So we've grown together in so many ways. We've grown

121
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,480
Speaker 1: together sexually, We've grown a part I feel like at

122
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,960
Speaker 1: some point sexually. But we're married and we're committed, and

123
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:09,840
Speaker 1: we've always tried to find ways to reinvent things for

124
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,119
Speaker 1: ourselves in the bedroom. You know, um, Devource requests certain

125
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,800
Speaker 1: things for me. I may not come through with the

126
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,880
Speaker 1: things the way he likes it, but you know, I

127
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,040
Speaker 1: try sometimes sometimes I don't try. Sometimes you try all

128
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,840
Speaker 1: the time, like we both try our hardest, you know,

129
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,440
Speaker 1: to make sure that we're both pleased and satisfied. I

130
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,040
Speaker 1: just have come to this like actuality, that the things

131
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,000
Speaker 1: that I want and I like are not necessarily the

132
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,200
Speaker 1: things that she wants she likes. So at one point

133
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,480
Speaker 1: in my life, I was under the assumption that, hey,

134
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,760
Speaker 1: this is my wife, We're going to find that mesh

135
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,560
Speaker 1: where we both like everything that each other likes. And

136
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,920
Speaker 1: it just never happened. And I finally got to the

137
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,720
Speaker 1: point now where's like, it's never gonna happen, so let's

138
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,440
Speaker 1: try to figure out what we can do. However, I

139
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,200
Speaker 1: still trying to find ways. So like my story time,

140
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:56,600
Speaker 1: I talked about trying to find um spice and toys.

141
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,800
Speaker 1: You know. I bumped into a young lady that would

142
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,520
Speaker 1: sell some things, and I was like, hey, send me,

143
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,680
Speaker 1: send me your best sellers, you know, let's see what works.

144
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,240
Speaker 1: Let's throw it into bedroom. And then div sometimes looks

145
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:10,080
Speaker 1: at it like if it looks like me, like me,

146
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,440
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to play with it.

147
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,840
Speaker 1: I'm not with the toy thing that's just not mine.

148
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,800
Speaker 1: And then I've realized, well, maybe some toys are just

149
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,960
Speaker 1: made for me or some are just made for him.

150
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,000
Speaker 1: So we're still trying to navigate things as we try

151
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,440
Speaker 1: to reinvent things. So tell me chan you know, people,

152
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,360
Speaker 1: people got to know what exactly is a sexologist. There's

153
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,360
Speaker 1: so many questions I have for you, guys, But I mean,

154
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,960
Speaker 1: I'll start answering and then hey, we can go both

155
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,720
Speaker 1: ways with this. And I love that you referred to

156
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,640
Speaker 1: me as a sex specialist because it sounds like I'm

157
00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:41,520
Speaker 1: in there with like a tool kit and just an

158
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,120
Speaker 1: entire bag of tricks. Um, a sexologist is to sex,

159
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,600
Speaker 1: It's easy to think about it, like a nutritionist is

160
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,520
Speaker 1: to food. So a sexologist is the study of sex

161
00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:56,479
Speaker 1: as it relates to biology, psychology, coromonology, sociology. Really, so, sexologists,

162
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,720
Speaker 1: like nutritionists, can show up in a lot of different formats.

163
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,680
Speaker 1: You can work in a clinic, you can work for

164
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,239
Speaker 1: with a one to one practice, you can write curriculum,

165
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,080
Speaker 1: you can work for pharmaceuticals. I am a public facing

166
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:10,520
Speaker 1: sex and relationship educator, so I write books, I know,

167
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,439
Speaker 1: consult for TV shows, I consult for different projects. I

168
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,400
Speaker 1: work with some pharmaceuticals, but that's how I do it.

169
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,480
Speaker 1: But there are sexologists who are Sara Gates and a

170
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:23,120
Speaker 1: Saragate workers somebody who literally will come and um have

171
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,240
Speaker 1: a sexual relationship with somebody and you have to be

172
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,840
Speaker 1: prescribed from a therapist to do that. So there's a

173
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,240
Speaker 1: variety of different word Yeah, so they would be I

174
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,400
Speaker 1: guess in more ways of sex specialists. So you can

175
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,080
Speaker 1: coming in prescribed a side check more or less or

176
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:43,200
Speaker 1: what sounds like I do so if if so, for example,

177
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,560
Speaker 1: if I wasn't hitting it the right way, she could

178
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,319
Speaker 1: go see a doctor and come back with a note

179
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:57,600
Speaker 1: and say, devile. Listen, my doctor prescribes. I don't want

180
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,000
Speaker 1: to make fun of it, but it's essentially that's what

181
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,840
Speaker 1: it is. Yeah, but more less it would be like

182
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,520
Speaker 1: if you have vaginismus, and that's for women, is really

183
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:07,040
Speaker 1: painful sex, like almost the think about a Charlie horse

184
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,640
Speaker 1: that you get in your ankle when you have a

185
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:12,000
Speaker 1: really bad cramp. Some women's vaginal canal experiences at during

186
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,880
Speaker 1: before penetration, and so if every time they went to

187
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,760
Speaker 1: go and get intimate their partner, they would get this spasming. Sarah,

188
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,000
Speaker 1: it might be able to come in and help and

189
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,040
Speaker 1: figure out what the trauma and the touch points are

190
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,000
Speaker 1: what people who have like certain special needs, for example,

191
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,679
Speaker 1: who have a hard time figuring out how to have

192
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,160
Speaker 1: pain free sex. And so there's a variety of reasons.

193
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,960
Speaker 1: I haven't heard of one yet. That's just like man

194
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,640
Speaker 1: and my partner's not doing the best. They could slade

195
00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:35,760
Speaker 1: somebody in here. I haven't heard that, but I'm sure

196
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,160
Speaker 1: all things are possible. Oh my god. So tell me

197
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,560
Speaker 1: how you discovered that this was your calling? Yeah, you

198
00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,079
Speaker 1: know what. Honestly, I think passion is often thought about

199
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,960
Speaker 1: or your purpose is something you have to find and

200
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,120
Speaker 1: go towards, And for me, I think it was just

201
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,240
Speaker 1: rediscovering and going back. I was fascinated by touch and

202
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,640
Speaker 1: by the human body. And I also grew up in

203
00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:58,600
Speaker 1: a Caribbean household and the whole like what guyana is

204
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:06,360
Speaker 1: my dad? Yes? Yes, yes, okay, And I went to

205
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,440
Speaker 1: a Catholic school, so a lot of my natural curiosities

206
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,080
Speaker 1: were really repressed, and so I lost touch with my sexuality.

207
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,520
Speaker 1: And when I started to engage in sex, misinformed by

208
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,479
Speaker 1: porn by books like The Coldest Winterever, I read that

209
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,800
Speaker 1: a couple of times, fly girls, Do you fly girl

210
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,160
Speaker 1: by and in all those books, if you were called

211
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,280
Speaker 1: it was like their first sexual experience. They didn't even

212
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,680
Speaker 1: have to have got like an inchant. They were orgasm

213
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,880
Speaker 1: and melting. And that set my expectations. And so when

214
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:36,320
Speaker 1: I turned nineteen, I had several partners, zero orgasm, zero connection,

215
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,600
Speaker 1: And I thought to myself, Okay, I've been looking forward

216
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,040
Speaker 1: to this thing my whole life and it's been completely trash.

217
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,480
Speaker 1: So what now? Do I just give up on it

218
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,280
Speaker 1: or do I try to restart my own education? And

219
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,360
Speaker 1: so I restarted at nineteen. I had a book come

220
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,400
Speaker 1: out at twenty four called Late, and then ten years

221
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,480
Speaker 1: later I put out my second book. So I've been

222
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,560
Speaker 1: in the space for thirteen years. Wow. I want to

223
00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:58,400
Speaker 1: be honest, it would be extremely intimidating to me to

224
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,360
Speaker 1: try to have sex with the sex best list as

225
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,160
Speaker 1: a man like you walk in this room, like listen,

226
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,079
Speaker 1: she know everything about this. I don't know what I'm

227
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,800
Speaker 1: She's probably been seen everything that has to be intimidating

228
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,800
Speaker 1: for any man that is going to try and date

229
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,480
Speaker 1: you or please you. I think it is. I mean

230
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,040
Speaker 1: it's possible. I wouldn't probably have sex with somebody who

231
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,560
Speaker 1: looked at it in that intimidation way because it just

232
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,719
Speaker 1: would you tell them that you was a sex cologist. Yeah,

233
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:27,160
Speaker 1: I mean I can't deny that. Yeah, yeah, yes, there's

234
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,280
Speaker 1: no hiding it. It's just is. But I also too,

235
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,200
Speaker 1: I think a good sexual partner acknowledges that every you're

236
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,920
Speaker 1: you're never an expert on somebody else. I cannot please

237
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,640
Speaker 1: your wife more than you can, Like your seventeen years

238
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:42,960
Speaker 1: of experience will trump any book that I've read, any

239
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,640
Speaker 1: course or seminar that I've been to, and I would

240
00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:48,599
Speaker 1: like to think so I will definitely I'm understand. I

241
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,439
Speaker 1: don't even have to try to know that that's true.

242
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,280
Speaker 1: So I think that a good person somebody to me

243
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,120
Speaker 1: who's good at sex is somebody who's like more of

244
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,720
Speaker 1: a tourist than a tour guide to someone else's body.

245
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,800
Speaker 1: And so I know, I actually get red flags if

246
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,480
Speaker 1: anybody is like, I'm amazing in the bedroom, I'm awesome,

247
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,080
Speaker 1: I'm great, and that's about them and it's not about

248
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,559
Speaker 1: their part right, And then they get in there and

249
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,199
Speaker 1: they're like, look at all my tricks, and you're like,

250
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,720
Speaker 1: I see what you're ex liked, she said, look at

251
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,920
Speaker 1: all my tricks that's how dudes beat oop. I ain't

252
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,280
Speaker 1: gonna lot. Me and my friends were talking, you know,

253
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,240
Speaker 1: you have sex with girl first, only YA dropped that

254
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,079
Speaker 1: grade eight. You know I did that thing where I

255
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,440
Speaker 1: do the hip toss and then I pull the leg back.

256
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,520
Speaker 1: I know that's what gotta that's met and then she

257
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:31,360
Speaker 1: don't call you back and then got to inverted uterus

258
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,040
Speaker 1: and it's uncomfortable for her. Right. So yeah, I just

259
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,480
Speaker 1: think that anybody who claims to be amazing at sex,

260
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,920
Speaker 1: I would raise eyebrows for no, for sure. So with

261
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,880
Speaker 1: guys possibly being intimidated by you, do you ever feel

262
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,640
Speaker 1: any kind of pressure, like, man, I have to like

263
00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:46,079
Speaker 1: bust it down, go wait off the top, like I

264
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,840
Speaker 1: don't know nothing Like this news to me. You are

265
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,079
Speaker 1: new to me, like teach me, Like can I watch

266
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,679
Speaker 1: what you do? Can we ask tons of questions? So

267
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,000
Speaker 1: I like go in there being like listen, I'm a

268
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,760
Speaker 1: novice in the X in the realm of you, Yeah,

269
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,480
Speaker 1: saying keep asking questions. I mean after seventeen years, I

270
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:07,200
Speaker 1: still ask a lot of questions. We had great sexy

271
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,160
Speaker 1: or the other night, and I still after it was

272
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,120
Speaker 1: it was very nice. It was very nice. She did

273
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,760
Speaker 1: this new thing where she likes to be on the

274
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,880
Speaker 1: side and she throw her right leg up right. So

275
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,800
Speaker 1: it was kind of like, um, I'm trying to describe

276
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,600
Speaker 1: it so people could see it, but not be too graphic,

277
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,240
Speaker 1: because I know my kids are gonna hear this at

278
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,720
Speaker 1: some point in their life. But this was new. And

279
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,040
Speaker 1: I said in the middle, was like, Yo, this is new.

280
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,680
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And I realized that I

281
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,160
Speaker 1: really liked it like that. I'm just like, okay, So

282
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,520
Speaker 1: I could tell in her response to that. Then I

283
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,040
Speaker 1: was like, oh, this is the direction I'm going to

284
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,600
Speaker 1: keep going. Even though I was on your side or

285
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,200
Speaker 1: were you know, I was still I was on my side,

286
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,480
Speaker 1: poisted a leg over his shoulder, and then my other

287
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,840
Speaker 1: leg was underneath him, and I was straddling her leg,

288
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,280
Speaker 1: but she was side kind of like a lock. It

289
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,120
Speaker 1: was a lot. It was like a completely different angle

290
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,640
Speaker 1: than we've done it right, and it was just hitting

291
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,360
Speaker 1: something that was just quite right. And I was like,

292
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,200
Speaker 1: and that's what I'll be looking for it though, like

293
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,440
Speaker 1: whenever we have sex, I'm trying to look for her

294
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,720
Speaker 1: response to see that that's working. And I said to

295
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,160
Speaker 1: her right afterwards, like that seemed like you enjoyed that

296
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,800
Speaker 1: a lot more than recently, and she's just like, no, no,

297
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,600
Speaker 1: that's I like that. So we have conversations after I

298
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,240
Speaker 1: love that, which is what we still try to do

299
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,920
Speaker 1: now here we are seventeen years later, but still always

300
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,920
Speaker 1: having the desire to learn and then unlearned. Because the

301
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,520
Speaker 1: other day he was doing something and I was like,

302
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,520
Speaker 1: I don't really like that anymore. I thought I did

303
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,760
Speaker 1: and I used to at one point, but no, Like

304
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,400
Speaker 1: we laughed and joke. We had Kevi on stage and

305
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,480
Speaker 1: his wife on They also have a podcast to Love

306
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,640
Speaker 1: Our So we were talking about like things that are

307
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,320
Speaker 1: green lights, things that are red lights, things that are yellow,

308
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,240
Speaker 1: flashing yellow, flashing yellow, the delayed yellow. You know that

309
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,840
Speaker 1: that's yellow, that's like there forever the flashing reds. So

310
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,840
Speaker 1: you know, I had the conversation with him like I

311
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,440
Speaker 1: don't really like that anymore, and he's just had but

312
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,560
Speaker 1: you used to love that, and I'm like, not so

313
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,480
Speaker 1: much anymore. So we always are having the conversations about it.

314
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,000
Speaker 1: So what does your advice? How do you navigate when

315
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,960
Speaker 1: you're speaking with couples who have been together in long

316
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,760
Speaker 1: term relationships? Yeah, I would say, like, the brain is

317
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,360
Speaker 1: not that hard to pimp out, right, Like the brain

318
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,760
Speaker 1: likes new, so whatever whatever happens. Like, there's there's two

319
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:14,280
Speaker 1: types of um there's passionate love and companionate love. And

320
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,800
Speaker 1: passionate love is when your brains on autopilot. When you

321
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 1: first get together, you're getting all of the chemical cocktails, right,

322
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,280
Speaker 1: the dopamine hits and the neckprophine and then and the oxytoasted,

323
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,760
Speaker 1: and then it just feels fire and the butterflies are there.

324
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,640
Speaker 1: You don't have to even do much. The person could

325
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,840
Speaker 1: just blow on you and you feel that feeling. But

326
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,000
Speaker 1: over time love shift a companionate love where you're now

327
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,400
Speaker 1: in the driver's seat, like you have to manually create

328
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,640
Speaker 1: those exact same feelings. And one of my favorite um

329
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,720
Speaker 1: Dr Helen Fisher was saying that if people continue to

330
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,880
Speaker 1: have that same rush of adrenaline, that like burst of

331
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,880
Speaker 1: butterflies every time their partner was around, it would shorten

332
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,480
Speaker 1: their life expectancy because, yeah, that that dump of adrenaline

333
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,400
Speaker 1: damages your tissue. Yeah, so I told you, actually it

334
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,320
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna work. About told you it wasn't gonna work.

335
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,240
Speaker 1: You always be looking for reasons. Right is a scientific fact. Here,

336
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,480
Speaker 1: You're like talking about scientific facts. She has scientific You

337
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,360
Speaker 1: had something. But this was my thing, I said. When

338
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,840
Speaker 1: we first met, we used to just touch each other

339
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,560
Speaker 1: and it felt like everything I said. I want to

340
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,920
Speaker 1: feel that every time I touch you, Like I hate

341
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,440
Speaker 1: when we have these moments when months go by and

342
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,639
Speaker 1: we don't kiss or we don't hug, and it's like

343
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,840
Speaker 1: you barely touched the person. I used to like like

344
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,800
Speaker 1: rub her leg and I would feel her get like

345
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,199
Speaker 1: goose bumps. And now it's like I rubbed her leg

346
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,119
Speaker 1: and she was like, can you not touch me? And

347
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, you used to like when I touch

348
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,280
Speaker 1: your leg. Now I can't touch. It's just going to happen. Though.

349
00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:35,840
Speaker 1: It took the same thing if you went to the

350
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,679
Speaker 1: sushi restaurant and you had an incredible crunchy role and

351
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 1: it blew your mind. If you go to that same

352
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,520
Speaker 1: restaurant and had the same cuntry role for seventeen years,

353
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,520
Speaker 1: it's just not going to give you that exact same

354
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,239
Speaker 1: wow experience. And I would still be good in its

355
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,920
Speaker 1: own way. But the good thing is, though, in order

356
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,120
Speaker 1: to get back that feeling of the new to get

357
00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,359
Speaker 1: that rush again. It's little tweaks. It's little things that

358
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,520
Speaker 1: make it new again to the brain. And so you

359
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:01,040
Speaker 1: want to excite the risk and reward center doing something

360
00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:04,840
Speaker 1: like doors, keeping the door cracked a little bit open

361
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,600
Speaker 1: so maybe people might be able to hear or maybe

362
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,600
Speaker 1: like you have this like rush of we have to

363
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,320
Speaker 1: hurry up, or doing it where you change the light

364
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,120
Speaker 1: bulb to red, so it's like a different atmosphere environment

365
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,680
Speaker 1: that think it's very sexy that that, you know, don't

366
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,159
Speaker 1: not say that too. Sometimes we were in a hotel

367
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,000
Speaker 1: once and the light was kind of different. I was like, oh,

368
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,320
Speaker 1: this is the sexy light, and yeah, you do the

369
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,760
Speaker 1: lighting is good. If the lights too bright, she's not

370
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,360
Speaker 1: into it. But maybe one time the light being very

371
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,959
Speaker 1: bright might be. It's just making sure that like again,

372
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,159
Speaker 1: like the brain gets a little bit of something different.

373
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,920
Speaker 1: You're an athlete, you know this as well too, Like

374
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,000
Speaker 1: your muscles start to get dull to an activity to

375
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,879
Speaker 1: do repeatedly. Get to change it up, even just a

376
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,440
Speaker 1: little bit, right, even if it's decreasing or increasing the

377
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,920
Speaker 1: weight by a couple you'll see a different response. So

378
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,080
Speaker 1: it's the same thing I think when people think about

379
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,600
Speaker 1: spicing up in the bedroom. They're like, let's go to Cancoon.

380
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,280
Speaker 1: Let's find us like a little senorita at a local bar.

381
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,400
Speaker 1: Let's have a threesome. It's like you or you could

382
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,440
Speaker 1: just simply change the direction of your bad and see

383
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,040
Speaker 1: how that works. You could do like my wife does.

384
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,120
Speaker 1: My wife, for whatever reason, gets turned on when her

385
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,919
Speaker 1: parents are somewhere in the house. Yeah, that's like like

386
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,960
Speaker 1: we'll be at her sorry, mom and dad. Yeah, we'll

387
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 1: be at her parents house and she let's stay here

388
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,560
Speaker 1: and parents, I don't care. So then they're upstairs, mom,

389
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,040
Speaker 1: and she just touched me, and I'm like, yo, yo,

390
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,640
Speaker 1: what do you do with come on? Come on? Days?

391
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,720
Speaker 1: That reminds me almost like when we first met and

392
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,320
Speaker 1: you're like trying to like get it there real quick,

393
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,120
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, hell no. One time, one time, we're

394
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,840
Speaker 1: in his parents house and his mom this is like

395
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,360
Speaker 1: years ago, and his mom sent me downstairs to get

396
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,320
Speaker 1: peas out of the deep freezer. So I was like,

397
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:36,919
Speaker 1: come down staying for me to get the peace and

398
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,560
Speaker 1: it was like I couldn't find the piece because why

399
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,720
Speaker 1: we were getting it into the laundry room and then

400
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,639
Speaker 1: we didn't come up with the piece. We was down

401
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,720
Speaker 1: there mad long. I forgot what we went down there for.

402
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,119
Speaker 1: I was. Mom was like, where's the peace? And I'm like,

403
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,240
Speaker 1: oh yeah. But at first though she called me downstairs,

404
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, you really can't find a piece. I always

405
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,240
Speaker 1: got to do everything. I go to there, and she's

406
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:56,560
Speaker 1: like pulling on me and stuff. I'm like, yo, stop stop,

407
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,240
Speaker 1: I do not want to do this. She always wants

408
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,480
Speaker 1: to happen now, and I'm just like I'm tired. Yeah,

409
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,480
Speaker 1: I'll be trying to pull into the closet and stuff.

410
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,080
Speaker 1: So let me let me ask this after after couples

411
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,800
Speaker 1: have identified like you know what, we have some issues

412
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,959
Speaker 1: with intimacy. Okay, where's a good place for them to start?

413
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,720
Speaker 1: Like her drive exchanged a lot since having the boys,

414
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,000
Speaker 1: which we knew what was going to happen, just chemically

415
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,560
Speaker 1: that was going to be an issue. But also we've

416
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,359
Speaker 1: been together seventeen years, Like somebody doesn't want to get

417
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,720
Speaker 1: plowed out every day for seventeen years. Like this is

418
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,200
Speaker 1: not gonna happen. We were in college, you know. When

419
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,199
Speaker 1: we were in college, it was different. You know, she

420
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,879
Speaker 1: was like, come on, come on, you're an athlete. Like,

421
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,760
Speaker 1: let me see now, it's just like yo, bro chill

422
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,919
Speaker 1: out like he was seventeen years ago. Yeah, I still trained,

423
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,720
Speaker 1: and I feel guilty because I feel like I can't

424
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,240
Speaker 1: keep up with his you know, it's like a supplying

425
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,560
Speaker 1: to man thing going on here and I can't keep

426
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,879
Speaker 1: up with it. I mean that happens, and it's like

427
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,200
Speaker 1: I think compatibility is just like that, Like there's gonna

428
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,800
Speaker 1: be in every marriage, every relationship, there's gonna be five

429
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,040
Speaker 1: things like I cannot believe I found somebody who's on

430
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,280
Speaker 1: the exact same page as me. But whether that is

431
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,720
Speaker 1: religion or childbearing or finance is there's going to be

432
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,120
Speaker 1: some things that just click so stupid magically, and there's

433
00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 1: gonna be some things that don't. I think we think

434
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,720
Speaker 1: of sexuality is something that you can't work on though,

435
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,640
Speaker 1: Like if I talk to couples and they're like, yeah,

436
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,000
Speaker 1: we're just not sexually compatible, so should we end things?

437
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,480
Speaker 1: And I'm like no, like you just gotta unless that's

438
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,120
Speaker 1: a you know, you gotta work on it like anything else.

439
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,320
Speaker 1: Like there's going to be areas that the connection is

440
00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:20,879
Speaker 1: just there, and there's gonna be other areas that's just

441
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 1: not in flow and that's no problem with that. That's

442
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,200
Speaker 1: just going into manual. I'll say, like a basic tip

443
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,080
Speaker 1: that I have is I have this thing called turn

444
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,359
Speaker 1: on Triggers, and I have a quiz on my website

445
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:31,760
Speaker 1: for this if anybody wants to take it, and essentially

446
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,040
Speaker 1: it's six different ways that get people in the mood.

447
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,439
Speaker 1: So going back to in the very beginning, it's just

448
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,199
Speaker 1: breathing on the other person will get you in the

449
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,399
Speaker 1: mood because that risk and reward center is lighting up.

450
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,880
Speaker 1: Because this is a brand new person, new experience. There's

451
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,120
Speaker 1: tons of risk happening, and so your brain is gonna

452
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,160
Speaker 1: respond in that like Heroin esque way. But over time

453
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,399
Speaker 1: you have to get the brain in that space. And

454
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,199
Speaker 1: so a manual turn on trigger. And some people might

455
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,240
Speaker 1: be environmental. Um A lot of like moms I find

456
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,040
Speaker 1: is environmental where it's like, let me not see dirty

457
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,679
Speaker 1: clothes in my peripheral you know, I can't focus, or

458
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:07,040
Speaker 1: like can we make the bed before the messy e Ben? Yeah?

459
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:09,040
Speaker 1: Can we put some effort in the in the atmosphere,

460
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,800
Speaker 1: and I mean, can there be a red light on?

461
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 1: Can there be some candles burning? Like can we actually

462
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,040
Speaker 1: make this an experience? A sensory experience, I can actually

463
00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 1: relax in and not be focused on the billions of

464
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,159
Speaker 1: chores around with it haven't been done yet. Um. Some

465
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,600
Speaker 1: people's is desire minus desire, and I just require very

466
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,760
Speaker 1: specific language that is like your X is so effing X,

467
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,240
Speaker 1: and I want to do why with your why? And

468
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,199
Speaker 1: like that to me is every I don't care if

469
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,840
Speaker 1: it's dirty, I don't care nothing else. Like if you

470
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,120
Speaker 1: tell me I'm hot, I feel excited. Um. A lot

471
00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:41,240
Speaker 1: of men is visual and so it's just like when

472
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 1: they it's like a baby, when you see something you

473
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,239
Speaker 1: want to put in your mouth, and so it's just

474
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,920
Speaker 1: like putting that extra attention. See you every day? He

475
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,199
Speaker 1: sees every day. Yeah, you know what's funny? And I

476
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,960
Speaker 1: was gonna ask you are there is there any truth

477
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,679
Speaker 1: to some of the miss you here? Like, for example,

478
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,399
Speaker 1: a lot of my boys who are married in long

479
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: term relationships complaining about I don't get enough sex. So

480
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 1: we've you know, brought it down to a science that

481
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 1: women just don't want to have sex as much as us.

482
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,040
Speaker 1: Then we're trying to figure out why is that, you know,

483
00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:11,280
Speaker 1: why does it seem like when a woman wants to

484
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 1: be in a relationship, she's willing to have more sex,

485
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,119
Speaker 1: but then once she gets into a relationship, it just

486
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,280
Speaker 1: automatically stop. Is there any science to that, because it

487
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,680
Speaker 1: seems like that seems to be pretty consistent amongst all

488
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: of my friends. Like they'll meet a girl and him

489
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,840
Speaker 1: and her have sex every day, multiple times a day.

490
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 1: The minute it's like, okay, we're monogamous. Now it's like

491
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: cut off. Yeah, I mean, I guess like there's a

492
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,480
Speaker 1: reproductive science in terms of just like the motivation for

493
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: a man who can have kids up until eighty and

494
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,639
Speaker 1: it's just as for a Chile is a lot higher

495
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 1: than for a woman who after a while there's really

496
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,879
Speaker 1: no like biological payoff in terms of how there is

497
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,879
Speaker 1: a science behind her is. But to be honest with you,

498
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,560
Speaker 1: I would just say, like there's another there's other great books.

499
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 1: So they're like called What Women Want that just like

500
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,240
Speaker 1: debunk any myth that there's a difference in how men

501
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,840
Speaker 1: and women um want, desire, perceive, and like think about sex.

502
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,760
Speaker 1: And so there's science on both side. Think that you

503
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 1: can I'm whatever you're looking for. I can tell you

504
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 1: the amount of couples that I've spoken to where it's

505
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: the other way around. I was gonna say, I have

506
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 1: a couple of people that I know where it's the opposite.

507
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,200
Speaker 1: The female is actually wanting more and the male isn't.

508
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I know, like you have your

509
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,680
Speaker 1: group of friends and that seems to be the consensus

510
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,399
Speaker 1: with them, But especially if that's a group of friends,

511
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,840
Speaker 1: like you're not gonna have the one dude in the

512
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,160
Speaker 1: group who doesn't side with you. Guys be like, well,

513
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,480
Speaker 1: actually my wife is kind of the freak and I'm

514
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,840
Speaker 1: not interested. That's that's true. I don't think they would

515
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 1: honestly say that. I also do think it matters on

516
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: the type of friends you have. All of my friends

517
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,760
Speaker 1: were athletes or are athletes, so we still all train,

518
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,879
Speaker 1: particularly like like we still play ball. So for example,

519
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,879
Speaker 1: I do have a guy who's reached out to me.

520
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 1: It was being the opposite, but he says that, um,

521
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 1: he doesn't like the way his body looks. Um, he

522
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 1: let himself go. He's not as confident, so he doesn't

523
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,520
Speaker 1: want to have sex with his wife as much, mainly

524
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,359
Speaker 1: because he feels he's going to feel her desires, because

525
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 1: he feels like he's no longer what she wants a

526
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:59,800
Speaker 1: vulnerable conversation shouting out to that dude able to encourage

527
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: to say that I was when he space for a

528
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,720
Speaker 1: lot of people, a lot of guys, and they won't

529
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: they'll see me in person, like they won't text me

530
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,800
Speaker 1: because they don't want the proof to be anywhere. They'll

531
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 1: be like broke, talk me about something real, you know.

532
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,080
Speaker 1: And then he opened up to me, and then I

533
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: was just like, um, why do you feel this way?

534
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,040
Speaker 1: And he was just like, I know what my my

535
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 1: wife wants, and I just know that I'm not it.

536
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 1: And um, He's like, I don't like to work out

537
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,400
Speaker 1: and I just don't feel like I can never get

538
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,160
Speaker 1: back to that. So I shy away from having sex

539
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 1: so I don't constantly disappoint her. And I was like, damn,

540
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,160
Speaker 1: Like that's but but then I asked myself, well, that's

541
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,719
Speaker 1: your wife, right. You do want your wife to be happy, right.

542
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 1: You can't shy away by not having sex with her.

543
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,160
Speaker 1: So she's like, what should I do? I said, first,

544
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 1: you should diet, get in the gym, be healthy just

545
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 1: for yourself. But if you love this woman and you

546
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,600
Speaker 1: made an oath and a promise to her to be

547
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,200
Speaker 1: there for her. You have to be there for her.

548
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 1: I think it's unfair man or a woman to just

549
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,400
Speaker 1: say I don't like the way I looks, so I'm

550
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,359
Speaker 1: not gonna have sex with you. I do think that

551
00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:59,439
Speaker 1: that's unfair, and I told him too, especially when you're

552
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 1: not having to diet love with your partner. Also to

553
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: which is expressing your needs, Like there's studies that show

554
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,080
Speaker 1: that a woman's number one turn on is herself. Like

555
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:10,240
Speaker 1: esther perels Um talked about that. It's funny because my

556
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 1: follow up to that was gonna be like, well, is

557
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 1: it an issue for her? The way he looks and

558
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 1: the way he feels about themselves may not be an

559
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 1: issue for her. She may just be like, I just

560
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: want my husband, I just want the attention. But even

561
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: if she knew now, she has to overcompensate with compliments,

562
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,640
Speaker 1: which is also fair, you know. I mean, I think

563
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,280
Speaker 1: a lot of dudes could really benefit from overcompensating with compliments,

564
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: from just saying even if you feel like you said

565
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: it already, just like even like compliment the taste of

566
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,480
Speaker 1: her vaginal fluids, like you know, compliment the way that

567
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,159
Speaker 1: her body smells naturally, because she might be going to

568
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 1: this checklist in her head, like I'm spiky, I haven't

569
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: showered in like two hours, or like I can't do it.

570
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,320
Speaker 1: But if you just all of those insecurities by being

571
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 1: like you as is right now, I want all of it,

572
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,080
Speaker 1: I think that makes a massive difference in people's willingness

573
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,159
Speaker 1: to start to play. You know, it's funny to hear

574
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 1: that verbal affirmation. You hear about that with pets, you

575
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: hear about that with children, but you don't hear about

576
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,680
Speaker 1: that with your spouse. But it seemed like it would

577
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 1: still make sense. Just constant verbal positive affirmation like I'm

578
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,639
Speaker 1: here for you, I want you, I love you as is.

579
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,359
Speaker 1: I think that that could help a lot of people,

580
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 1: men and women. And the more specific the better, because

581
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: sometimes we tend to do like those broad I told you,

582
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 1: I love you, I told you I want you, and

583
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:18,359
Speaker 1: you're like specific, I want is that you love about

584
00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 1: me in this moment right now? Yeah, like the hair

585
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:24,160
Speaker 1: is in my booty hole are hot to you? Specific stuff?

586
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,159
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, that's what I thought I was the

587
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,360
Speaker 1: only one with here in my booty but oh my goodness,

588
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:34,920
Speaker 1: no hair and moving for the moody because I was like, listen,

589
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:40,280
Speaker 1: I can't work, so tell me about your book. You

590
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: have a book, The Game of Desire. So that about

591
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,399
Speaker 1: It's essentially what we're talking about right now, just getting

592
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: into the driver's seat understanding that. I think when it

593
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 1: comes to everything in life, you know, sports, or cooking

594
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,880
Speaker 1: or even child rearing, there's this understanding that in order

595
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,600
Speaker 1: to be good at it, you have to enlist the

596
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,439
Speaker 1: help of experts. You have to read books, you have

597
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 1: to research, you have to practice low risk environment. You

598
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 1: gotta give yourself space and not be perfect and constantly

599
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,920
Speaker 1: challenge yourself. But when it comes to sex and love,

600
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 1: it's just like it's if it's not bestowed from the gods,

601
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 1: it's not meant to be. It's not going to happen, right,

602
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,919
Speaker 1: It's not going to happen versus like no, Like, you

603
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,400
Speaker 1: can actually approach this with a system and a strategy,

604
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,520
Speaker 1: and you can be good at loving somebody. You can

605
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,800
Speaker 1: be good at being a good sexual partner. It's not

606
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 1: just about chemistry or compatibility or magic. It is a

607
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: set a series of skills that anyone can acquire. And

608
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,639
Speaker 1: so the Game of Desires teaching people how to be

609
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 1: more attractive awesome. Did you talk about dating in that, well, Yeah,

610
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,640
Speaker 1: because we had a lot of questions from people about

611
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 1: dating and we kind of feel ill prepared to discuss

612
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 1: that because we haven't dated anyone in seventeen years, and

613
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 1: you know, it's although you guys are probably everyone's go

614
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: to everything. One of your friends go to you the recipe. Yeah,

615
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 1: like no, because we're just like, please don't look at

616
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: us like we are the gurus, because this just works

617
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: for us and we're still figuring it out day to day.

618
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: I don't know how to tell someone I don't know

619
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 1: because how did you in continue make it work. I'm like,

620
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to make it work today. I don't

621
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 1: know what I've done over the past seven years to

622
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: still be at this point. I know what I've worked

623
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: on myself, I know what I want out of my wife,

624
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: but I can't verbally articulate to someone if you do

625
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: these steps, this is what you do to have a

626
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, especially sexually, because we struggled with with uh

627
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: sexuality in our relationship so much because I'm trying to

628
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 1: do everything to be for her, She's trying to do

629
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 1: everything to be for me, and it seems like sometimes

630
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,040
Speaker 1: we just don't hit at the right spot. And then Melissa,

631
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 1: she made a very good point that I never thought

632
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: about from a man standpoint. As a woman, she was

633
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 1: shamed for having any sexual desires her whole entire life.

634
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 1: She grew up in Kevin on Stage wife, growing up

635
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: down south, growing up in a Baptist culture. So the

636
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,200
Speaker 1: fact that you've been shamed your whole life, now you

637
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 1: get married and you're supposed to be free sexually with

638
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 1: this man as your husband. It's almost like that shame

639
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 1: doesn't go away. So now you're in the bedroom with

640
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: this man and you're still feeling shamed, but you're trying

641
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,040
Speaker 1: to open up. I never thought about that from a

642
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 1: woman's standpoint, and it kind of makes sense to me

643
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 1: as a man. Now, why you you find a woman

644
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,080
Speaker 1: and you want to do all these things and you're

645
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 1: asking her to open up, and she's kind of like,

646
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: I don't know what you mean. I don't know. I've

647
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: been doing this my whole life is you know? Learning

648
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 1: that from her and listening to her perspective made me

649
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 1: realize that. And I want to ask you, what age

650
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,920
Speaker 1: do you start as a as a woman, A young

651
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 1: woman to explore your sexuality. What ages is safe? Really?

652
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 1: I mean, your sexuality is is a constant right. It

653
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,400
Speaker 1: is with you from the moment that you enter this world.

654
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: It's with you from the time that you're an embryo, right,

655
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: and so there's a constant need to explore question to

656
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 1: figure it out. One of the best things I did

657
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: in school for sexologies, we had this age by age

658
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 1: assessment of like what's normal sexual behavior? I'm like, everyone

659
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 1: should read this because it's this idea that like, yeah,

660
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 1: like you're constantly evolving as a sexual person and you

661
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: should be aware of it. I think as even as

662
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,720
Speaker 1: a parent, you know, a lot of parents get concerned

663
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: when they see there, Like my friend her seven year

664
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,040
Speaker 1: old was humping a laundry basket and she was like, really,

665
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,800
Speaker 1: like should I could take him to a therapist or

666
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 1: something wrong? Like this completely normal sexual behavior. You can

667
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 1: talk about appropriate places to indulge, not appropriate places, but

668
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,320
Speaker 1: you can have that conversation about their body and it's

669
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 1: age appropriate. But use the right terms. Don't lie because

670
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: if you lie and they go to school and found

671
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 1: out you made that storic stuff up, right, They're not

672
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: gonna come to anymore. As a trusted source because like

673
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: mom and Dad don't know what they're talking about, clearly,

674
00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,320
Speaker 1: all my seven and eight year old friends do not.

675
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,560
Speaker 1: So I'll stick over here exactly and when I and

676
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: people don't always remember the details of anything, of any conversation,

677
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,000
Speaker 1: and I may not remember exactly what was said, but

678
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: they will remember how they felt and if they felt awkward,

679
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 1: if they felt lied to, if they felt embarrassed, They're

680
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 1: never going to reproach that discussion again. So I'd say

681
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,920
Speaker 1: I mean all throughout, but absolutely, I think for a

682
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,640
Speaker 1: lot of people in general, it's like such confusing messaging.

683
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: And someone says to me about about dating, like in Christianity,

684
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 1: it's like, don't date, don't date, don't date, and then

685
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you turn twenty eight, like why

686
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: aren't you marriage married? Right? It's yeah, and you should

687
00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,400
Speaker 1: be married and you should be satisfying your spouse and

688
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: you should be everything in the right way because now

689
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 1: you have the red light to do it. But it

690
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:06,920
Speaker 1: was between like they're either like trying to make you

691
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: abstain with everything in their body or they're pissed that

692
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 1: you don't have four kids by now. It's it's funny

693
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:15,840
Speaker 1: you say that we have three boys, which a lot

694
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 1: of people know already. But um, two years ago we

695
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: had an issue with Jackson and the cell phone, and

696
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 1: we always tell a story where he had Kay's grandmother's

697
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,400
Speaker 1: cell phone and she was like, we gotta talk to Jackson.

698
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,400
Speaker 1: I'm like why, and he's like, I'm looking at his history,

699
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: his search history, and he was looking up Twerking right,

700
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 1: and he was looking up girls Twerking girls, tworking on Fortnite, girls,

701
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 1: tworking on Justin Bieber girls, tworking in NBA two K

702
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, talked to him, So I

703
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: want to talk to him. And the first thing I

704
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: did was trying to make him feel comfortable about having

705
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:53,080
Speaker 1: the conversation because he was clearly flustered, like I was

706
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: looking at something I wasn't supposed to be looking at,

707
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,640
Speaker 1: you know, because we have all of the parental controls

708
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: on his like I've had and stuff, but when my phone,

709
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: I'm not a spy. I just want to know what

710
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:04,840
Speaker 1: my children are involved in what they're looking at, because

711
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 1: the accessibility that they have to everything, I want to

712
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,560
Speaker 1: be able to navigate and be able to educate. So no,

713
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: I didn't think it was wrong that you're spy, but

714
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 1: you are, so we had I love to turnaround. Just

715
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: call me Dora everything. We got this thing on our house,

716
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: this ring thing where you can see through the doorbell

717
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 1: who's at the front door. And every time I go

718
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: to the door to do something, all that hairs. Hey, hey,

719
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:35,040
Speaker 1: it's connected to her. She's like, what are you doing? Like, yo,

720
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: you have problems. But I want to be sure that

721
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,760
Speaker 1: I can educate my boys as much as possible. Going

722
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,200
Speaker 1: through the social media era where like K said, they

723
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:50,760
Speaker 1: have accessibility to everything you said started five, Jackson's already eight.

724
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 1: I need to know what to do because I mean,

725
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: clearly he's interested. Even even me. I'm looking through phones.

726
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 1: A girl will come up. Before, when he was younger,

727
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 1: a girl will come up and he was like, no, daddy,

728
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,480
Speaker 1: No now. Girl come up and he's like, hmm, you

729
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,839
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So obviously he's starting to get injury,

730
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: starting to feel things. And I remember when I was

731
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: in third grade going to fourth grade, that's when I

732
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 1: had my first little crush on the girl. I want

733
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:16,759
Speaker 1: to make sure that he knows how to handle these

734
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,760
Speaker 1: situations right way. Of course, be respectful, no, it's appropriate

735
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,799
Speaker 1: and inappropriate. What are some things that we can as

736
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 1: parents due to prepare our young men and women to

737
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 1: deal with their sexuality. I think we're looking for natural

738
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:33,280
Speaker 1: segues into conversations. I think when people making an intentional talk,

739
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:35,439
Speaker 1: like even in a relationship, like we need to talk,

740
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,839
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. I'm scared, I'm

741
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,440
Speaker 1: stressed out. Whereas in if it's just like we're watching

742
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,520
Speaker 1: a TV show, like some parents said to me, Gray's

743
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: Anatomy is like one of the best shows you can

744
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,759
Speaker 1: watch with your kids because so many health topics, so

745
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 1: many topics about relationships come up, and it's a natural

746
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 1: tie in to be like, oh, like, have you ever

747
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:54,839
Speaker 1: had this happened to you? I think a big thing

748
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 1: too as parents is using yourself be the change you

749
00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: wish to see in the world. So if you want

750
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 1: your kids to be more and honest, be honest about yourself.

751
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 1: I said as well on my parents my parents, My

752
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,319
Speaker 1: mom told the story of like, well I met your

753
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:09,600
Speaker 1: father and we fell in love, we got married, we

754
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:11,759
Speaker 1: had kids, and that was that. And I I'm not

755
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,399
Speaker 1: gonna feel comfortable coming to her at fourteen and being

756
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 1: like Hey, I'm masturbated with a pickle yesterday. What's wrong

757
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 1: with me? Right? If this person is so perfect in

758
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 1: their sexuality, why would I ever feel comfortable saying I'm

759
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:25,799
Speaker 1: looking up Justin bieber Torkin videos. So it's using your

760
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,800
Speaker 1: own self as an example, but looking for natural segways

761
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,960
Speaker 1: for the conversation just to become natural. Um that I

762
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,759
Speaker 1: actually was saying you guys like, oh, we don't what

763
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,760
Speaker 1: advice would give to people. I think having this podcast

764
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: is so incredible, Like just the intentionality and having to

765
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 1: talk so much about your feelings, your experiences, looking for

766
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:47,120
Speaker 1: natural segways to reflect on your own relationships is perfect. Right.

767
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 1: So if you can kind of take that format with

768
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,760
Speaker 1: your kids and just if something comes up on TV

769
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,480
Speaker 1: or they're watching a video, you see something, use that

770
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: as a way to ask questions, to share a story,

771
00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:59,160
Speaker 1: to add a little bit tibit of knowledge in there,

772
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:00,800
Speaker 1: to say, oh, you know what, you should have to

773
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:02,879
Speaker 1: check out this book or watch this video that I did.

774
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,400
Speaker 1: And the more that the culture of conversation is just

775
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: a natural dynamic in the relationship. It'll evolve over time

776
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,360
Speaker 1: and appropriately as need be for them. And then my

777
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:15,439
Speaker 1: parents weren't super weren't open at all about talking about

778
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,000
Speaker 1: sex or anything. So a lot of things I figured

779
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 1: out was like through the coldest winsterever or like friends

780
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,440
Speaker 1: and you know, fly girl and stuff. And I think

781
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 1: what prevented me from being kind of you know, I

782
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 1: guess being free sex sexually when I was younger was

783
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 1: just the fair that I had a shame that I

784
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: god forbid my mother or my father or somebody and

785
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,400
Speaker 1: my family found that. So I kind of suppressed a

786
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,479
Speaker 1: lot of what I was thinking or had questions about

787
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:40,560
Speaker 1: because it was just a fair like don't do it,

788
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,400
Speaker 1: just don't do it, and that was just the answer.

789
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,160
Speaker 1: So I definitely don't want that approach with our boys,

790
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 1: you know, especially young black men growing up in this

791
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:50,360
Speaker 1: uh this world today. I want to make sure that

792
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:52,839
Speaker 1: they have the right channels and they're fully informed about

793
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:54,480
Speaker 1: what they need to be informed about. I guess just

794
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 1: being you know, strategic and being tactful with the approach

795
00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 1: and the time we only have to think about it.

796
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 1: Like in Caise sex sex is the only area in

797
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:04,000
Speaker 1: life where we employed the logic the more you know,

798
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,840
Speaker 1: the worst decisions you're gonna make, or the more reckless.

799
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,480
Speaker 1: You're going to make decisions base or that doesn't apply

800
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 1: like anything, right. Yeah, if your kid wants to do

801
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,520
Speaker 1: skateboard and you want to show them as much information

802
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: positive negative, here's the success stories. Here's a kid who

803
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,279
Speaker 1: went to the hospital. Yeah, here's everything you have to

804
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,520
Speaker 1: know about it. Okay, go ahead. That will empower them

805
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 1: to make better decisions for themselves. And also in the

806
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 1: moment when things come up that are unexpected, they're going

807
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: to have a catalog of information to go through. But

808
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,399
Speaker 1: in sex, we're like, oh if if I tell them

809
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 1: and then they you know what I mean. But we

810
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 1: just don't want to be I think that's also the

811
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: problem to people just don't want to be the ones

812
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 1: like the schools like, well, I'm not saying it because

813
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:40,239
Speaker 1: I don't want to get blamed. The parents like, well,

814
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:41,720
Speaker 1: I'm not saying because I don't want to get blamed.

815
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:43,359
Speaker 1: And then the kids are like, well, I'll tell you.

816
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,200
Speaker 1: Here's this video I saw yesterday on corn hub dot com.

817
00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:50,239
Speaker 1: Pull up a chair. That's so true. But it also

818
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,160
Speaker 1: brings me to like why I asked about the kids,

819
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 1: because I feel like we became better sexual partners when

820
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,800
Speaker 1: we started to unpact why she was the way she

821
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,319
Speaker 1: was with sex growing up, why I am way I

822
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: am with sex growing up? And it made me realize,

823
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:04,600
Speaker 1: like them, if I have more communication with my parents,

824
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,240
Speaker 1: I probably would have been a better partner to my wife.

825
00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: If she had more communications, she would have been a

826
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,360
Speaker 1: better partner to me. So I feel like people in

827
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,600
Speaker 1: relationships to start to rather than just say, let's work

828
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,640
Speaker 1: on our sex, let's unpack why I am the way

829
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,560
Speaker 1: I am before I even get in a relationship, Before

830
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 1: the actual act of sex. There's the intimacy portion, there's

831
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: the feelings portion, there's how we arrive at that physical

832
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of times people kind of

833
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,400
Speaker 1: forgo that to just be like, well, we just want

834
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,360
Speaker 1: to have sex, and how do we get to the

835
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,160
Speaker 1: sex part? But there's so much more with a connection

836
00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:35,920
Speaker 1: that you have with somebody and the feeling part that

837
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: goes into it. So if that's lacking, it only makes

838
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,320
Speaker 1: sense why the physical becomes an issue or it feels

839
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,640
Speaker 1: for sometimes at least absolutely And also kind of like

840
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 1: what you said, I learned a lot about sex through

841
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:52,480
Speaker 1: watching porn help or watching spice. So what you expect

842
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:55,439
Speaker 1: your wife to do is from watching a porn star,

843
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 1: and it's kind of like if you don't realize like

844
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:02,319
Speaker 1: that that it's like an exaggerated version of what sex is,

845
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 1: then you expect that, and then when that person doesn't

846
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 1: deliver it, you feel like they're failing you, you know.

847
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:09,479
Speaker 1: And I was victim to that because no one really

848
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,959
Speaker 1: spoke to me about sex. No one said that, hey,

849
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:15,439
Speaker 1: sex is supposed to be this. When I turned ten

850
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 1: was the first time I was introduced to Spice channel

851
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:21,760
Speaker 1: channel sixty nine on a cable box. Then I watched it. Oh,

852
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 1: I watched it should get a sponsorship sixty nine. It's

853
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 1: that's like amazing. I realized throughout my life what I

854
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: thought sex was really wasn't what it was like. No,

855
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:37,080
Speaker 1: no woman is ever going to walk to your door

856
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, can somebody fix my pipes? Like

857
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,680
Speaker 1: that's just not that's not gonna happen in real life.

858
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,080
Speaker 1: And then when it doesn't happen, you feel like my

859
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,359
Speaker 1: sex life supping unless you decided to do a little

860
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,080
Speaker 1: role play, and then it's like, okay, that may be

861
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,400
Speaker 1: some way that people are absolutely work for them in

862
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 1: terms of you know, trying to get there. You know,

863
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,239
Speaker 1: like I just feel like people need to unpack how

864
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 1: they learned about sex in their lives before they start

865
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 1: to have sex with other people. If they want to

866
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,440
Speaker 1: have sex for the rest of their life, that's important

867
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:04,640
Speaker 1: because we're stuck with each other for the rest of

868
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,839
Speaker 1: you reinventing it. Like I always say to partners when

869
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,279
Speaker 1: they're like, I want to introduce something new, Like the

870
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 1: two best ways are porn number one or number two?

871
00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: Using fantasy I had a fantasy about you and me,

872
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: or I had a dream last night. What do you

873
00:40:17,239 --> 00:40:19,840
Speaker 1: think about trying this right? Or it's like, hey, there's

874
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:21,520
Speaker 1: this thing, this video that I saw, What do you

875
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,400
Speaker 1: think about trying this the same capacity? And then of

876
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 1: course you take that and understanding because you know, porn

877
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 1: is to sex what w w E is to fighting. Right,

878
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: That's just the great analogies you have here. What do

879
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,879
Speaker 1: you say for couples who say one person is saying,

880
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:38,279
Speaker 1: you know what, I want to try something different in

881
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 1: the bedroom, so they decided to go for a toy

882
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,879
Speaker 1: like I did. Yeah in my story, and the other

883
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,319
Speaker 1: is not as receptive to it, whether it be the

884
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,480
Speaker 1: man or the woman, or the woman and the woman

885
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:49,319
Speaker 1: or the man of the man. How do you now

886
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 1: encourage people to introduce things like that into a relationship

887
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:57,720
Speaker 1: or into the bedroom without the other feeling away about it.

888
00:40:57,719 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 1: What's kind of like what Devil was saying about that

889
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:02,839
Speaker 1: understanding of the years that it's taken you in terms

890
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: of shame, and so what a lot of people tend

891
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:07,000
Speaker 1: to do is like, Okay, just say I want to

892
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 1: try threesome. Now, I have watched hours of threesome videos,

893
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:13,160
Speaker 1: and I have read books on it, and I've talked

894
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: to friends about it, and I've done all this research.

895
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:17,680
Speaker 1: When I come to my partner, I have the benefit

896
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: maybe of two plus weeks, maybe even two months of research,

897
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,560
Speaker 1: and I'm putting it on you in this moment to

898
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:24,439
Speaker 1: make a decision and be on the exact same page

899
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,239
Speaker 1: as me. It doesn't really work that way, And that

900
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:28,279
Speaker 1: could be something even as toys like you've got all

901
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 1: the sites, you've read, the reviews, you asked, your friend,

902
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 1: you had an interview, You're like, okay, great, I feel

903
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 1: empowered now. My partner and their partners at ground zero.

904
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 1: So you can't expect for them to be on the

905
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,480
Speaker 1: exact same page of you in the exact same moment.

906
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,200
Speaker 1: So you may want to start off with, hey, here's what,

907
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,080
Speaker 1: here's some different catalogs. We think it's cool. Let's make

908
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:46,880
Speaker 1: a trip to the sex toy shop so we can

909
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,840
Speaker 1: learn together from like a guide and see what feels

910
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,000
Speaker 1: exciting for us, like what's good for you, what's good

911
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,319
Speaker 1: for me, and then give the person some space, you know.

912
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 1: So there's so you have to go through the process together,

913
00:41:57,120 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: not just because for for us sometimes it's like let

914
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,879
Speaker 1: me spring it on him. That would be exciting, because

915
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:02,520
Speaker 1: you don't see that that works a lot. What couple

916
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:04,879
Speaker 1: if it does, great, you know what I mean. It's

917
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: kind of like if I said to you, like, let's

918
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,239
Speaker 1: try rabbit today and you're like, I've never eaten rabbit before.

919
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: There's a lot of research I want to do before

920
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,080
Speaker 1: I'm ready to try rabbit, where some people maybe I'm down.

921
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 1: It kind of depends on what your partner is like.

922
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 1: But the expectation shouldn't be there because you weren't there

923
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:20,400
Speaker 1: on day one when you first heard about the idea,

924
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,279
Speaker 1: you were like, that's interesting. Let me look into it

925
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,319
Speaker 1: some more. So I think giving that space is great,

926
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 1: and it's a benefit if your partner has already done

927
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:27,920
Speaker 1: the research because they can just share it with you

928
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:31,520
Speaker 1: for sure. Absolutely, Wow, so much to do, There's still

929
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:36,120
Speaker 1: more to learn about this whole questions. Um, So for

930
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,520
Speaker 1: a guy like myself who works out a lot, whose

931
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,080
Speaker 1: sex drive is very, very high, and I have my

932
00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:43,000
Speaker 1: beautiful wife who every time I look at her, like

933
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 1: you said, I just I want to have sex with her? Right,

934
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,359
Speaker 1: what do we do to continue to keep this thing

935
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 1: going so that it doesn't become a resentment thing towards

936
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 1: one or the other. Because we've also been told she's

937
00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:56,120
Speaker 1: been told about plenty of people. When she turns forty,

938
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:58,680
Speaker 1: it's gonna flip. Her sex drive is going to be high,

939
00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:02,040
Speaker 1: is going to be several women in that tree. They're like,

940
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:04,839
Speaker 1: don't worry, don't worry, because it's going tables are going

941
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 1: turn and he's not gonna be able to keep up

942
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,480
Speaker 1: with you. And I'm just waiting for the day counting there. Well,

943
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,399
Speaker 1: all the changes are good, I think, like any change

944
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,080
Speaker 1: in your sex life forces you to examine it and

945
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 1: to start having more discussions. And I've heard both. I've

946
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: heard preman bosl people who are not interested. I've heard

947
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,719
Speaker 1: people who are are very interested. I've heard thirties as

948
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:23,400
Speaker 1: women's sexual peak. And so I've applaud anybody who finds

949
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,840
Speaker 1: like a second wind or something exciting, and you already

950
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,360
Speaker 1: found a new position that you like. Maybe that in

951
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:29,400
Speaker 1: itself will spark you to be like, I'm more intrigued,

952
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: but understanding what her turn on trigger is maybe allowing

953
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 1: her once in a while to be the one who

954
00:43:34,239 --> 00:43:37,440
Speaker 1: actually instigates, and so that empowerment like let me choose,

955
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: like let me pick the time in the place, and

956
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,200
Speaker 1: also to like, as a mom and as a businesswoman,

957
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 1: I'm sure sometimes the end of the day is an

958
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:48,239
Speaker 1: ideal if there's a two pm window and you guys

959
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 1: are both free and like, that kind of makes more sense,

960
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,200
Speaker 1: like go with that as opposed to try and like

961
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:55,600
Speaker 1: some people say scheduling sex, which I think can work

962
00:43:55,640 --> 00:44:00,360
Speaker 1: for some couples. Yeah, I can just see that, Like you,

963
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:03,239
Speaker 1: it sets up an expectation to be a field disappointment,

964
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:04,600
Speaker 1: because what if you don't feel like in the mood

965
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 1: of the time, what if you're tired? I will say,

966
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,120
Speaker 1: as like, this bonus fact is like Dr Ian Kerner

967
00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:12,120
Speaker 1: found that some women's sexual arousal cycle doesn't kick in

968
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 1: until five ten minutes into four play, so you may

969
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: not even feel like doing it until you're like ten

970
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,920
Speaker 1: minutes in. I raised my hands. So that's where scheduling

971
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 1: can be useful, where it's like, Okay, we set the

972
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:26,279
Speaker 1: intention and that's the scientific fact that's five to ten

973
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:29,560
Speaker 1: minutes into it. Because I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes sometimes

974
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,760
Speaker 1: I try to, you know, I try to gauge whether

975
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:33,360
Speaker 1: she's in the mood. And what I don't want to

976
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:35,319
Speaker 1: do is I don't want to like force get her

977
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 1: in the mood because then it doesn't seem genuine. I

978
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:39,759
Speaker 1: don't want her to feel like she's forced to have sex.

979
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 1: But then I tell him that's where the intimacy factor

980
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: comes in. So if you're doing things to try to

981
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,240
Speaker 1: get me there versus just like you're ready to go, Yes,

982
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,520
Speaker 1: you appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah, but sometimes it's

983
00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:52,319
Speaker 1: turn off for me as a man, Like I'm trying

984
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,000
Speaker 1: to get you in the mood and you don't seem

985
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:55,160
Speaker 1: like you in the mood. It's like, all right, I

986
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,840
Speaker 1: don't want to bother her. You know, that can be

987
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:59,200
Speaker 1: a turn off for me. So it's like, sometimes it's

988
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:01,440
Speaker 1: like what could be a trigger for you, it's not

989
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:03,400
Speaker 1: triggering me at all. So now you may be in

990
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 1: the move five minutes, ten minutes into four play, but

991
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:08,320
Speaker 1: I've been doing this and you've been looking this interested,

992
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,319
Speaker 1: but now I'm not interested. And then sometimes I know,

993
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:12,480
Speaker 1: like it's been like a day or two, and I'm like,

994
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 1: he's gonna want to do it, So I'll go take

995
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 1: a shower and then I will take it upon myself

996
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,680
Speaker 1: to get myself in the mood for a couple of minutes.

997
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:20,720
Speaker 1: So if he knows I'm in the bathroom a little longer,

998
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:26,200
Speaker 1: it's probably because I'm out there doing something to myself recently.

999
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:29,160
Speaker 1: And then I'll come to him more ready, so it's like, okay,

1000
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:31,520
Speaker 1: we both meet meeting each other at this level of

1001
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,279
Speaker 1: like intensity, and then we can get get a pop

1002
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: in because he may not want to have to put

1003
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:37,880
Speaker 1: the work, and sometimes he probably wants me to come

1004
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 1: and just be ready so he can be like, no,

1005
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 1: it's no, I don't mind putting the work in. I

1006
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,839
Speaker 1: just hate feeling like I'm forcing my wife to have

1007
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: sex like that to me just doesn't It doesn't do

1008
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 1: anything for me, like I want to have sex with

1009
00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:54,040
Speaker 1: someone who wants to have sex with me, so if

1010
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,839
Speaker 1: I feel like, I know she's tired, I know she's

1011
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 1: not in a mood at that point already. I'm just like,

1012
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:00,960
Speaker 1: it's just not I'm not entire scene because I don't

1013
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: want to put that on her. I really don't like.

1014
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like she gave me three kids, all right,

1015
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:08,080
Speaker 1: let me just wait until she's in the mood. But

1016
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:10,000
Speaker 1: then waiting ends of being four or five days, and

1017
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, if you haven't had sex since

1018
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:14,600
Speaker 1: like last week Thursday, And she's like, okay, okay, I do,

1019
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:17,239
Speaker 1: I remember, but but I get it though, I just

1020
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 1: don't know. We're just trying to figure out how You've

1021
00:46:19,080 --> 00:46:20,560
Speaker 1: been trying to figure out how to make it work.

1022
00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:21,920
Speaker 1: Because she'll say to me, she's like, well, if you

1023
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:23,120
Speaker 1: want to have sex, why don't you just come on

1024
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,480
Speaker 1: to me, And I'm like, because I don't. I don't

1025
00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:27,520
Speaker 1: want to. I want you to want it, like I

1026
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:29,279
Speaker 1: don't you know what I'm saying, Like that's been our

1027
00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:33,000
Speaker 1: biggest issue lately, and we both understand that, like we're understanding,

1028
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:35,160
Speaker 1: but we're both trying to figure out what we can

1029
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: do to kind of make it work, you know, I

1030
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,960
Speaker 1: mean you're doing all the right things to have the discussions,

1031
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,200
Speaker 1: looking for the compromise you can both do like the

1032
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:45,000
Speaker 1: key the three flagpoles of a good relationship or I'm

1033
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 1: going to ask. I was like, what are the big

1034
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 1: maybe the three three tips or the three things that

1035
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:51,479
Speaker 1: you can give for better sex or you know, whatever

1036
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 1: you feel the three tips hard to give us give

1037
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:55,520
Speaker 1: us some takeaways for our list for sex on give three.

1038
00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 1: But relationship is just like self insight, emotional regulation and

1039
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: mutuality and off inside is like what can I do?

1040
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:04,239
Speaker 1: Emotional regulation, how I feel is not always right, so

1041
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:08,960
Speaker 1: that ego regulations that sometimes that's even that conversation with

1042
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:10,680
Speaker 1: yourself when you get that ego like they should just

1043
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:14,040
Speaker 1: want me. Then being like, scientifically, this weird can get

1044
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: love right now? Does it really work that way? Every

1045
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:23,279
Speaker 1: time said scientifically, it's not that big of a deal.

1046
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:24,759
Speaker 1: And I know she wants me. I know that I'm hot,

1047
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,839
Speaker 1: I know that I'm fired. We had this amazing conversation,

1048
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:28,920
Speaker 1: like I know I did an incredible job last time.

1049
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:30,440
Speaker 1: I know she takes five minutes to get into it.

1050
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:31,759
Speaker 1: So you know what, it's not a big deal for

1051
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 1: me to give her a specific compliment and the fact

1052
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:36,560
Speaker 1: that she has laser away all her booty whole hair

1053
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: that looks amazing. Absolutely what I mean like just something

1054
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:42,080
Speaker 1: that you know and I think as well for you,

1055
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:44,160
Speaker 1: like I think working yourself out and be like, Okay,

1056
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:46,200
Speaker 1: let me give myself the moment to get into the

1057
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,239
Speaker 1: zone so I can approach my partner, so that mutuality

1058
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: of I'm gonna go the extra mile for my partner

1059
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:53,279
Speaker 1: because I know they'll go the extra mile for me.

1060
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:55,160
Speaker 1: And as long as you guys keep doing that, you're

1061
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,319
Speaker 1: going to find the balance somewhere. See, that's the key.

1062
00:47:57,520 --> 00:47:59,799
Speaker 1: That that is the key, like continuing to work on

1063
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 1: your self and be in a position where you're willing

1064
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:04,600
Speaker 1: to go to the extra mile for your partner. I

1065
00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:07,000
Speaker 1: know if I continue to do that for k she'll

1066
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,440
Speaker 1: be willing to do that for me. And that's what

1067
00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 1: people always ask People always ask, like what makes you

1068
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:14,520
Speaker 1: all work? I really feel like that's what it is.

1069
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:18,480
Speaker 1: It's not going to be perfect. Every single day. We're

1070
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:21,000
Speaker 1: going to express that it's not perfect, but we're going

1071
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 1: to continue to work to try to reach whatever level

1072
00:48:23,160 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: of perfection we can reach because we'll never reach it.

1073
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,759
Speaker 1: So that that when you think about your friend relationships

1074
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:30,080
Speaker 1: that don't work. If you put it to that like

1075
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:32,360
Speaker 1: three litmus test, you can always see where the breakoff

1076
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:34,759
Speaker 1: point is. Where it's like one person and they get

1077
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 1: that stale made of like, well, I'm not doing it

1078
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:39,239
Speaker 1: because you didn't do that. I'm not doing they have

1079
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:42,279
Speaker 1: strong person. That's just I'm not going to bend and

1080
00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:44,520
Speaker 1: you can't do that in a relationship. I like that

1081
00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:47,520
Speaker 1: term of emotional regulation. Yeah, I think that that's very

1082
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:49,359
Speaker 1: very important. When I hit you with the baby, I'm

1083
00:48:49,360 --> 00:49:00,000
Speaker 1: not emotionally not in that context to prescribe somebody prescribe.

1084
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:09,960
Speaker 1: I'm talking hypothetically before we go. You have to just

1085
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,479
Speaker 1: give us, you know, for better sex, tap three things

1086
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:14,600
Speaker 1: for better sex. I would say sex never gets dull

1087
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:17,879
Speaker 1: if you're authentically expressing yourself in the moment um. There

1088
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:20,799
Speaker 1: was this study that they had people who were hearing

1089
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,800
Speaker 1: impaired have sex versus people who you know, have hearing,

1090
00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:26,680
Speaker 1: and the sounds were completely different. That's just because like

1091
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,560
Speaker 1: our sexuality is so much more socialized than we think.

1092
00:49:29,560 --> 00:49:32,560
Speaker 1: It's so much more performance based. And so if you

1093
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:35,319
Speaker 1: can just give yourself an authentic space to make the

1094
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:37,719
Speaker 1: sounds you want to the faces you want to. My

1095
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:41,040
Speaker 1: husband was my friend's Benefits first, and the reason I

1096
00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:43,239
Speaker 1: chose them as a friends of benefits is like the

1097
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,879
Speaker 1: first day that we were like sexual, his hands were

1098
00:49:45,920 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 1: down there and I looked at his face and he

1099
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:50,160
Speaker 1: was like a painter. It was just such so like

1100
00:49:50,239 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 1: this beautiful expression with his hands were moving and it

1101
00:49:52,719 --> 00:49:55,600
Speaker 1: was just such an authentic expression felt in the moment.

1102
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,520
Speaker 1: So if you can try your best to detach yourself

1103
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:00,920
Speaker 1: when you think you're supposed to be doing sounding like

1104
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:04,520
Speaker 1: looking like expressing in the bedroom and just really respond

1105
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:07,000
Speaker 1: to what's going on, sex will always be different. So

1106
00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:10,239
Speaker 1: really just being in the moment. But just like if

1107
00:50:10,239 --> 00:50:12,080
Speaker 1: that weird sound wants to come out, so be it.

1108
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: If you have to, like you know, let out a

1109
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 1: vaginal fart, let it go. Like all those things are

1110
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 1: going to allow you to make it different and fresh

1111
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:22,719
Speaker 1: every time. Number two, I'd say mixing sensations. Um, if

1112
00:50:22,719 --> 00:50:24,440
Speaker 1: you want to spice things up, like there's if you

1113
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,200
Speaker 1: can do this, that's a nice feeling, But if you

1114
00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:28,320
Speaker 1: can do this and do that at the same time,

1115
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 1: it's a new feeling altogether. And so even if you

1116
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,719
Speaker 1: know while you're going down on your partner, you give

1117
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:36,200
Speaker 1: them like a booty massage, or you rake the inner

1118
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:38,680
Speaker 1: parts of their thighs, or massage their mom's pubis like,

1119
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:45,360
Speaker 1: there's so many different things when I'm not the place

1120
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,960
Speaker 1: where you're where your pubic care girls, she said, your

1121
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:53,440
Speaker 1: mom's like she just got weird in here. I know

1122
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,360
Speaker 1: you the sex salagist, but whatever they do with that,

1123
00:50:56,760 --> 00:50:59,839
Speaker 1: come on, I get you anatomy together. We're gonna go

1124
00:51:00,280 --> 00:51:05,560
Speaker 1: not alright. And the final one I would say is

1125
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:09,640
Speaker 1: just like yeah, like mixing um. I would go with

1126
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:14,520
Speaker 1: like listening to fantasy, asking about fantasies, having conversations with

1127
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:17,359
Speaker 1: your partner about, you know, their sexual fantasies, and making

1128
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 1: sure that communication is not always negative. I think we

1129
00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:22,200
Speaker 1: think about communicating about sex. It's expressing when we don't

1130
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:24,239
Speaker 1: like something. But I love what we did at the

1131
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:27,160
Speaker 1: top of this episode that like, last time, what you

1132
00:51:27,200 --> 00:51:30,279
Speaker 1: did was amazing and that made me feel like and

1133
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:31,960
Speaker 1: I think that made him feel like, all right, so

1134
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,080
Speaker 1: let's try that again. And the excitement around wanting to

1135
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:37,040
Speaker 1: try that again, you know what I mean. And it's

1136
00:51:37,080 --> 00:51:39,479
Speaker 1: like the crunchy, the crunchy sushi role that you're talking

1137
00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:41,799
Speaker 1: about It's like it was great in that moment, but

1138
00:51:41,840 --> 00:51:43,239
Speaker 1: it can just be that go to that we know

1139
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 1: it's going to be guaranteed a good time. Yeah, and

1140
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:54,359
Speaker 1: have some like spicy Mayo next time. Parents. I'm like,

1141
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:58,680
Speaker 1: that's not the right analogy, but it worked in the moment.

1142
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,239
Speaker 1: It works, ye, spicy o and sex probably does not

1143
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 1: tax at all. I see what the plan is here

1144
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 1: to get me to not want to have sex. We

1145
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:09,160
Speaker 1: didn't talked about your mom's pubis. We're talking about sushi.

1146
00:52:09,239 --> 00:52:16,920
Speaker 1: I see what's going on here. You're amazing. Thank you

1147
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:19,600
Speaker 1: so much for coming on today and talking about everything

1148
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,560
Speaker 1: sexually related, because you know, we appreciate you and we

1149
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:24,319
Speaker 1: know we're not the only ones that have issues, you know,

1150
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:25,960
Speaker 1: with it, and it may not even just be a

1151
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,520
Speaker 1: couple's thing and maybe an individual thing people trying to

1152
00:52:28,560 --> 00:52:31,279
Speaker 1: explore their sexuality and just knowing that there's nothing wrong

1153
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:33,960
Speaker 1: with that, you know, nothing wrong with that. We have

1154
00:52:34,040 --> 00:52:36,400
Speaker 1: some listener letters where people right in and they give us,

1155
00:52:36,440 --> 00:52:38,880
Speaker 1: you know, questions and scenarios and they want our advice.

1156
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 1: Do you mind sticking around to talk to I just

1157
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 1: want to say thank you for having me and thank

1158
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:44,399
Speaker 1: you for the work that you guys do, and I've

1159
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:47,200
Speaker 1: learned so much. I'm really appreciative. Thank you for sure.

1160
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,839
Speaker 1: And before we move into listener letters, tell everyone where

1161
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:52,400
Speaker 1: they can find you. Tell us about your book, your website, everything,

1162
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:54,080
Speaker 1: give us all the good. So my book is the

1163
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:56,480
Speaker 1: game of desire. The quiz I spoke about turn on

1164
00:52:56,520 --> 00:53:00,799
Speaker 1: triggers is the game of desire dot com for sure?

1165
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:03,200
Speaker 1: And are you on social media like Instagram and all that? Ye,

1166
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:05,120
Speaker 1: you know what, you get one wish people, I'm gonna

1167
00:53:05,160 --> 00:53:10,800
Speaker 1: leave it at that, and like, go to the website,

1168
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:12,799
Speaker 1: take the quiz. She's gonna really win. Then you're gonna

1169
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,400
Speaker 1: be looking for her. That's all that. That's all that means.

1170
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:18,719
Speaker 1: All right, we're gonna move into a quick break and

1171
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 1: move into listener letters, but we're gonna listen to some

1172
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:31,120
Speaker 1: ads first. All right, this for the record. There it

1173
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:36,400
Speaker 1: is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one

1174
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:40,880
Speaker 1: of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it

1175
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:44,719
Speaker 1: comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my

1176
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:51,040
Speaker 1: irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return

1177
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:57,799
Speaker 1: to glory. This is All American, a new series from

1178
00:53:57,840 --> 00:54:01,680
Speaker 1: Stitcher hosted by me George Bell. You realize Tiger Wus

1179
00:54:01,719 --> 00:54:04,800
Speaker 1: doesn't know who he is in the history of golf,

1180
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:09,400
Speaker 1: no question in my mind. And this season, with the

1181
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 1: help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the

1182
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:16,880
Speaker 1: story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling,

1183
00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:22,680
Speaker 1: what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is

1184
00:54:22,719 --> 00:54:25,920
Speaker 1: out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or your favorite

1185
00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:32,279
Speaker 1: podcast app. Alright, guys, so we're back now after listen

1186
00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:34,279
Speaker 1: to some ads, and it's time for my favorite part

1187
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:36,080
Speaker 1: of the show. When Candee's favorite part of the show,

1188
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:41,480
Speaker 1: the listener letters. We're also going to keep sharing with us. Yes, sexologists,

1189
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:49,480
Speaker 1: sex specialists, sex Let's get to these listener letters. Okay,

1190
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:51,680
Speaker 1: a question number one. My husband and I have been

1191
00:54:51,680 --> 00:54:54,840
Speaker 1: together fourteen years and married seven years. We also have

1192
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:59,759
Speaker 1: three whole boys, oh five and three, very close. Just

1193
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:04,920
Speaker 1: started support group. In the beginning we had NonStop sex. Literally.

1194
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:08,000
Speaker 1: After three kids, we slowed down to about two times

1195
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:10,640
Speaker 1: a week. Yes, I know it's bad, but don't judge me.

1196
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm tired. I know, girl, I know you are. Because

1197
00:55:12,719 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: of the high courts of daycare. I worked the night

1198
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:17,160
Speaker 1: shift and he watches the boys and vice versa. I

1199
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:19,319
Speaker 1: get about four hours of sleep throughout the day because

1200
00:55:19,320 --> 00:55:22,320
Speaker 1: I'm watching our kids doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, doctor's appointment,

1201
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:24,800
Speaker 1: drop balls and pick ups from school, and two separate

1202
00:55:24,800 --> 00:55:27,680
Speaker 1: sports practices. I know goes. I mean, I'm basically a

1203
00:55:27,719 --> 00:55:30,040
Speaker 1: stay at home mom, so when he gets home, sex

1204
00:55:30,120 --> 00:55:32,319
Speaker 1: is the last thing on my mind. What is some

1205
00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:36,120
Speaker 1: advice you can give us to help with our sex life, Shan,

1206
00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:41,319
Speaker 1: We talked with this whole time. Do you guys take

1207
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:44,359
Speaker 1: the ball on this one? O m G. First of all,

1208
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:47,360
Speaker 1: we have like parallel lives here almost with the exception

1209
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:49,799
Speaker 1: of working night and that's I've heard just from people

1210
00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:51,600
Speaker 1: who work night shifts. For example, like my one of

1211
00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:53,600
Speaker 1: my good friends, she was she's a nurse and used

1212
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:56,240
Speaker 1: to work the night shift. That in itself apparently throws

1213
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:59,160
Speaker 1: off your whole cheat, like everything is just off once

1214
00:55:59,200 --> 00:56:03,600
Speaker 1: you're working night. Um, and I know what it's like

1215
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 1: like this it being the last thing on your mind.

1216
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:08,080
Speaker 1: You're just being so super tired. But I'm sure that's

1217
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:10,560
Speaker 1: because you're asking about it. It's something that's important to you,

1218
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:13,719
Speaker 1: it's important to your husband's important to your marriage. At

1219
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:16,839
Speaker 1: this point, Sis, I feel like although we said this

1220
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:18,880
Speaker 1: is something maybe not ideal for some people. You may

1221
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,960
Speaker 1: have to schedule it in like in your mind and

1222
00:56:21,040 --> 00:56:23,799
Speaker 1: not schedule it in saying honey, this is the time

1223
00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:26,640
Speaker 1: we're gonna have sex. Meet me here, but you knowing

1224
00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:28,360
Speaker 1: in your mind that I'm going to have to schedule

1225
00:56:28,440 --> 00:56:32,839
Speaker 1: sex in with my husband a little more frequently than

1226
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,120
Speaker 1: we've been doing two times a week. That maybe a

1227
00:56:35,120 --> 00:56:37,400
Speaker 1: lot for some people. Maybe it's not. Maybe you know

1228
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:39,680
Speaker 1: your husband needs more. But I would probably just have

1229
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:41,480
Speaker 1: to just suck it up sometimes and say, you know what,

1230
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:44,000
Speaker 1: I'm tired, But like I do, sometimes I'm in the shower,

1231
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:46,960
Speaker 1: I'll get myself going real quick knowing that you know what,

1232
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,880
Speaker 1: I'm just going to jump on him in surprising with that,

1233
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,440
Speaker 1: and then he'll appreciate it more because he feels as, wow,

1234
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:55,279
Speaker 1: she actually took the initiative to initiate sex with me. Um,

1235
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 1: But mentally do it for yourself, Like Devo doesn't know what,

1236
00:56:57,600 --> 00:56:59,840
Speaker 1: I have a mental calendar when I know sometimes like shoot,

1237
00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:01,080
Speaker 1: so times I miss a day. He was like, you know,

1238
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:03,240
Speaker 1: it's been like two or three days, right, And I'm like, damn.

1239
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:06,279
Speaker 1: But I normally have that mental you know, calendar in

1240
00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:08,920
Speaker 1: my head where I know, okay, it's approaching day two,

1241
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:12,000
Speaker 1: almost three. I may not necessarily be in the mood,

1242
00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:13,799
Speaker 1: but for him I have to pull him in the

1243
00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:15,360
Speaker 1: shower with you if you have to, you know what

1244
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,880
Speaker 1: I mean, like making a situation where it's something a

1245
00:57:17,880 --> 00:57:19,400
Speaker 1: little bit different, so you know it's not going to

1246
00:57:19,480 --> 00:57:21,320
Speaker 1: be just the monotony of getting in bed, because we

1247
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,760
Speaker 1: had struggle with that too. That's the one thing I

1248
00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:25,360
Speaker 1: hated was the end of the night and it's the

1249
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:27,200
Speaker 1: height and we're in bed and it's slight, let's roll

1250
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:29,120
Speaker 1: over and have sex. I hate that he hates that.

1251
00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:31,000
Speaker 1: You know, so knowing what your man likes and just

1252
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:33,840
Speaker 1: trying to really meet him halfway. I think the joy

1253
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:36,080
Speaker 1: is that this question is so common, and that means

1254
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:38,280
Speaker 1: that one you're not alone. And too there is no

1255
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:40,560
Speaker 1: magic answer, because if there was, it would have been

1256
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:45,520
Speaker 1: given on every single right you'd all be happy. A

1257
00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:47,080
Speaker 1: lot of it is trial and error. But I love

1258
00:57:47,080 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 1: that you actually suggested two times a week, Like, there

1259
00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:52,280
Speaker 1: is massive amounts of health benefits to orgasming into sex

1260
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:55,680
Speaker 1: in general, and doctors recommend two times a week to

1261
00:57:55,680 --> 00:57:58,080
Speaker 1: get the best matter benefits from it. Oh dope, Okay,

1262
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:01,640
Speaker 1: so and that might have to actually relax. She says

1263
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:04,120
Speaker 1: she was down to two times a week, so they

1264
00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:06,880
Speaker 1: were used to doing it more than that. We've slowed

1265
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:09,720
Speaker 1: so she needs to get that third time. And at

1266
00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:13,920
Speaker 1: least the doctor said two is enough our blood pressure.

1267
00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:18,040
Speaker 1: Maybe there's other things other than actual intercourse. Maybe there's

1268
00:58:18,040 --> 00:58:20,040
Speaker 1: something you can do for him, and you're giving him

1269
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:21,720
Speaker 1: oral sex one of those days out the week to

1270
00:58:21,760 --> 00:58:23,800
Speaker 1: make it a third for him, you know, that's what

1271
00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:25,680
Speaker 1: we have to do something. But I wonder, I wonder

1272
00:58:25,720 --> 00:58:27,480
Speaker 1: if it's that she doesn't want to have sex. Well,

1273
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:29,920
Speaker 1: she's just tired. She says, she's tired. She's just tired.

1274
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,400
Speaker 1: So he still wants to have of course, yeah he does. Well,

1275
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:34,640
Speaker 1: he's not doing as much as much chores as her.

1276
00:58:34,760 --> 00:58:36,480
Speaker 1: But I know she's saying that she's she's like to

1277
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:39,160
Speaker 1: stay at home mom and she works. She works at night. Yeah,

1278
00:58:39,280 --> 00:58:40,920
Speaker 1: so that's a lot. Well, we got this thing that

1279
00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:43,760
Speaker 1: we do now. It's called closet time. Oh yeah, this

1280
00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:46,880
Speaker 1: is called closet time. It's something that we've created where

1281
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:49,200
Speaker 1: when I noticed at the point where I was like,

1282
00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:51,040
Speaker 1: you may be tired or something, but I let her know,

1283
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:53,520
Speaker 1: like early in the day, like, Yo, we need some

1284
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:56,120
Speaker 1: closet time at some point throughout the day when she

1285
00:58:56,160 --> 00:58:57,600
Speaker 1: knows that I'm not gonna want to get into bed

1286
00:58:57,600 --> 00:59:00,240
Speaker 1: and have sex, so she'll pick any timeout to and

1287
00:59:00,240 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 1: she'd like, come meet me in the closet right now. Wow,

1288
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:05,960
Speaker 1: that's something we started. Maybe we have a big closet

1289
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,040
Speaker 1: now that we've moved so we can actually fit in me.

1290
00:59:08,160 --> 00:59:12,840
Speaker 1: You'll come behind me and whisper like I love it.

1291
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:16,720
Speaker 1: She just knows like, at some point during the day,

1292
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:20,360
Speaker 1: I'm just surprised, surprised what you would be Like I'm

1293
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:21,760
Speaker 1: in one part of the house, he's in another part,

1294
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:23,720
Speaker 1: and I'll texting like meet me in the closet, you know,

1295
00:59:23,800 --> 00:59:25,400
Speaker 1: and that becomes like our things. So that's why we've

1296
00:59:25,400 --> 00:59:29,320
Speaker 1: been smiling lately, because does look incredible both of you.

1297
00:59:29,560 --> 00:59:33,120
Speaker 1: The closet. It's the classet, girl, where the magic goes

1298
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:35,480
Speaker 1: down stays in the classes. See if you can find

1299
00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:38,160
Speaker 1: a closet in the house, run away from the kids

1300
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:41,000
Speaker 1: and textio Hub and be like me in the closet

1301
00:59:41,040 --> 00:59:43,000
Speaker 1: all right, FaceTime, and when you all naked, if you

1302
00:59:43,040 --> 00:59:45,000
Speaker 1: put on something sexy and be like, see, come meet

1303
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,680
Speaker 1: me in the closet. There you go, Yes, there you go.

1304
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:53,000
Speaker 1: All right, I's a question number two. One topic I

1305
00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:55,520
Speaker 1: have mixed feelings about with my husband is he tends

1306
00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:57,440
Speaker 1: to resort to pourn when I'm not in the mood

1307
00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:59,960
Speaker 1: or when he doesn't want to put in the effort

1308
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: to get me in the mood, because he's like to

1309
01:00:02,080 --> 01:00:05,120
Speaker 1: vow and he wants it daily. And I'm definitely like codeine,

1310
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:08,000
Speaker 1: where every day can seem like you need to be

1311
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:10,560
Speaker 1: having a crazy amount of energy to get freaky, and

1312
01:00:10,600 --> 01:00:14,280
Speaker 1: my husband is definitely no one minute man. I obviously

1313
01:00:14,320 --> 01:00:18,160
Speaker 1: want him to be sexually satisfied. And it was also

1314
01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:22,480
Speaker 1: a habit he had before we met. I guess yeah.

1315
01:00:22,800 --> 01:00:24,760
Speaker 1: So I've discussed it with him and he sees nothing

1316
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:27,280
Speaker 1: wrong with it, and I've never made a huge issue

1317
01:00:27,280 --> 01:00:29,560
Speaker 1: out of it, as I'd rather he do that than

1318
01:00:29,600 --> 01:00:32,160
Speaker 1: have the urge to cheat on me. I'm worried it's

1319
01:00:32,200 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 1: allowing us to lose our intimate connection. It's porn. Something

1320
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:39,160
Speaker 1: you guys deal with or have concerns with. Thoughts on it? Thanks,

1321
01:00:40,080 --> 01:00:42,000
Speaker 1: I think I think I said earlier. Um, I feel

1322
01:00:42,040 --> 01:00:44,680
Speaker 1: like I had unfair expectations for the woman I was

1323
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:46,680
Speaker 1: going to marry by watching so much. Point, because I

1324
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:49,800
Speaker 1: did watch a lot of porn, I personally did not

1325
01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:53,120
Speaker 1: like watching porn once I got into a relationship because

1326
01:00:53,160 --> 01:00:54,440
Speaker 1: I felt like, if I have a girlfriend and we're

1327
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,840
Speaker 1: going to be monogamous, I don't wanna have to satisfy myself.

1328
01:00:57,360 --> 01:00:58,880
Speaker 1: So that's why I would always put the pressure on

1329
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:00,600
Speaker 1: her to have sex every time, Um, I wanted to

1330
01:01:00,600 --> 01:01:02,800
Speaker 1: have sex. Then, like we said before, you have to

1331
01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:05,680
Speaker 1: realize how unfair that is. So then I was just like,

1332
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:08,560
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe if I don't watch porn and

1333
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 1: I was just kind of center myself when I wasn't

1334
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:13,520
Speaker 1: having sex, the sex would be that much better when

1335
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,919
Speaker 1: we actually had sex and not for nothing. That's what's

1336
01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:17,480
Speaker 1: worked for me. You know what I'm saying. I don't

1337
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:20,320
Speaker 1: watch porn nearly as much as I used to. Number one,

1338
01:01:20,320 --> 01:01:22,720
Speaker 1: because I got three kids, don't have any time, and

1339
01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:24,680
Speaker 1: when I with my wife, I want to spend time

1340
01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:26,960
Speaker 1: with her. So I think point can be an issue

1341
01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:29,680
Speaker 1: if it's a m if it becomes a distraction from

1342
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:32,880
Speaker 1: intimacy and from your family life. But I do understand

1343
01:01:32,880 --> 01:01:34,960
Speaker 1: where she's coming from as far as saying I'd rather

1344
01:01:35,040 --> 01:01:38,160
Speaker 1: him watch porn than go cheat. We had our moments

1345
01:01:38,160 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: like that because I was just especially like post baby

1346
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:43,640
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. He was extremely understanding of of

1347
01:01:43,640 --> 01:01:45,360
Speaker 1: course I just had kids and stuff like that. So

1348
01:01:45,400 --> 01:01:47,360
Speaker 1: you know, even after the sixth week and we can

1349
01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:50,360
Speaker 1: still have sex. I just wasn't there physically. I wasn't

1350
01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:52,640
Speaker 1: there emotionally. I was not in tune with him sexually.

1351
01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:55,120
Speaker 1: So sometimes I would just be like just go, like,

1352
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:59,840
Speaker 1: go watch some porn. I got no satisfaction from. I

1353
01:02:00,080 --> 01:02:02,480
Speaker 1: rather be with my wife. I'd rather have that connection,

1354
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:06,080
Speaker 1: that animalistic attraction, that that fight in the bed. You

1355
01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:08,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like I want that, Like watching

1356
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:09,960
Speaker 1: porn doesn't do it for me like that. What's your

1357
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:12,160
Speaker 1: take on porn? And I mean you spoke lightly on it,

1358
01:02:12,200 --> 01:02:14,840
Speaker 1: but couple particularly. I think porn is neutral. It's neither

1359
01:02:14,880 --> 01:02:17,360
Speaker 1: good nor bad. It's neither healthy nor is it toxic

1360
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,600
Speaker 1: to a relationship. It's how somebody interacts with it. I

1361
01:02:19,640 --> 01:02:21,960
Speaker 1: would say, make a really strong effort to ensure that

1362
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:25,120
Speaker 1: your opinion is based on your relationship, not on like

1363
01:02:25,120 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 1: an outside perception. I think that there's this idea that

1364
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 1: porn is bad in relationships, and so if your partner

1365
01:02:31,320 --> 01:02:33,160
Speaker 1: is watching it. It It sounds like she's like, we have

1366
01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:35,560
Speaker 1: an okay, agreement with it. But I worry if I'm

1367
01:02:35,560 --> 01:02:38,040
Speaker 1: doing something wrong because maybe I've heard my friends say,

1368
01:02:38,080 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 1: like I don't let my husband watch porn, or I

1369
01:02:39,640 --> 01:02:41,560
Speaker 1: would never did it out. And if it's like no,

1370
01:02:41,720 --> 01:02:43,720
Speaker 1: if this is the way that you guys are managing

1371
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,720
Speaker 1: your mismatch sex drive, it's also a way that allows

1372
01:02:46,760 --> 01:02:48,680
Speaker 1: you to have the time that you want for yourself.

1373
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:50,760
Speaker 1: And I like, like what you just said, like they're

1374
01:02:50,760 --> 01:02:53,520
Speaker 1: not They're not apples to apples. It's a very different experience.

1375
01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:56,400
Speaker 1: And even like masturbation and partner play, I'm not the

1376
01:02:56,440 --> 01:02:59,680
Speaker 1: same thing. Masturbation might be a part of your individual wellness,

1377
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,960
Speaker 1: while partner plague is about a connection with each other

1378
01:03:02,040 --> 01:03:05,560
Speaker 1: and also individual wellness. And so I would just really

1379
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:07,960
Speaker 1: have the question of is this that big of a deal.

1380
01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:10,960
Speaker 1: Maybe I think that it might be, But if our

1381
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:13,880
Speaker 1: connection is faltering, then yes we should examine how porn

1382
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:16,760
Speaker 1: might be impacting that. But I think someone can have

1383
01:03:16,800 --> 01:03:19,600
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship with porn and a healthy sexual relationship

1384
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:22,520
Speaker 1: with their partner and those two things not be mutually exclusive.

1385
01:03:22,600 --> 01:03:24,160
Speaker 1: That's one thing I like that you said that may

1386
01:03:24,240 --> 01:03:26,760
Speaker 1: so much sense. Was not listening to outside people's idea

1387
01:03:26,760 --> 01:03:29,280
Speaker 1: of what should be okay in your relationship, because we

1388
01:03:29,360 --> 01:03:31,240
Speaker 1: do see that with a lot of our married friends,

1389
01:03:31,240 --> 01:03:34,160
Speaker 1: the whope I wouldn't let my and then that becomes

1390
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:36,720
Speaker 1: bible to people. But that may not work for you.

1391
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:39,640
Speaker 1: And I appreciate that because I mean, we we live

1392
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:42,400
Speaker 1: by that now. When we were younger, we definitely were

1393
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:44,880
Speaker 1: kind of like trying to be the cookie cutter version

1394
01:03:44,920 --> 01:03:47,960
Speaker 1: of what married couples are. But now it's like, yeah,

1395
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do a work for k, K, gonna do

1396
01:03:49,760 --> 01:03:51,600
Speaker 1: a work for the vow and that might work this week,

1397
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:53,440
Speaker 1: and it might not work next week. We're gonna learn,

1398
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:56,000
Speaker 1: and we're gonna learn. We're gonna talk about it. You know,

1399
01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:58,840
Speaker 1: my therapist told me. My therapist told me that I

1400
01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:01,960
Speaker 1: may have two much of a connection into this one woman.

1401
01:04:03,000 --> 01:04:04,760
Speaker 1: Like this is what she told him. She said, Listen,

1402
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:09,320
Speaker 1: you love your wife a lot, clearly a lot, but

1403
01:04:09,360 --> 01:04:12,160
Speaker 1: it could be a point where it's a little unhealthy

1404
01:04:12,200 --> 01:04:15,560
Speaker 1: because you rely on her for every aspect of what

1405
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:19,040
Speaker 1: you consider to be your happiness. And when she told

1406
01:04:19,080 --> 01:04:21,400
Speaker 1: me that, I had to kind of like take a

1407
01:04:21,400 --> 01:04:23,480
Speaker 1: step back and be like, you know what, She's right,

1408
01:04:23,920 --> 01:04:29,480
Speaker 1: and I'm doing at some point, I can't hold up

1409
01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:31,080
Speaker 1: to my end of the bargain. Whatever this end of

1410
01:04:31,080 --> 01:04:32,720
Speaker 1: the bargain is, I'm not able to do it. So

1411
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:35,680
Speaker 1: I felt super inadequate so many times because I was

1412
01:04:35,720 --> 01:04:37,960
Speaker 1: just like, damn, I can't can't get it right, And

1413
01:04:37,960 --> 01:04:40,000
Speaker 1: it was super frustrating for me, and it was very

1414
01:04:40,080 --> 01:04:42,760
Speaker 1: like disheartening at some points because I felt like I

1415
01:04:42,800 --> 01:04:45,080
Speaker 1: can't beat this man happy. He's not satisfying, and there's

1416
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:46,520
Speaker 1: something wrong with me, like to the point where I

1417
01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:47,960
Speaker 1: was just like, I need to see a doctor because

1418
01:04:48,200 --> 01:04:50,200
Speaker 1: something's wrong with my sex drive. And and then a

1419
01:04:50,200 --> 01:04:52,080
Speaker 1: friend of mine, who you know, she's into like all

1420
01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:55,320
Speaker 1: of these all natural health food store, you know, concoctions,

1421
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:58,240
Speaker 1: she was just like, but you just had a baby,

1422
01:04:58,640 --> 01:05:06,120
Speaker 1: like you're your Mormon you was gonna be like Eatum's pubist,

1423
01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:09,560
Speaker 1: because she was pretty much like, let your damn hormones

1424
01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:12,240
Speaker 1: level out a little bit and then we can reassess

1425
01:05:12,280 --> 01:05:14,280
Speaker 1: if you legitimately have a problem or are you just

1426
01:05:14,320 --> 01:05:17,480
Speaker 1: still recovering from having a whole baby. Maybe that's what

1427
01:05:17,560 --> 01:05:19,680
Speaker 1: it is. And I was like, oh, I think you're right.

1428
01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:21,560
Speaker 1: I had two babies back to back, so maybe that's

1429
01:05:21,560 --> 01:05:23,280
Speaker 1: what it is. So now if I have any issues,

1430
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:25,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, girl, send me them roots and them tease.

1431
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,200
Speaker 1: I'm drinking if I have to drinking to just try

1432
01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:29,600
Speaker 1: to keep up with this guy. But we were two

1433
01:05:29,680 --> 01:05:33,480
Speaker 1: years out of baby, but it's still just also learning yourself.

1434
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:38,680
Speaker 1: Are you guys? Will in Jada fans like are you yeah?

1435
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:42,760
Speaker 1: So their whole met them? We just met. I gotta

1436
01:05:42,880 --> 01:05:47,760
Speaker 1: show you the sex down by the way. That's amazing.

1437
01:05:48,040 --> 01:05:51,680
Speaker 1: We just met. We just met them. Um, we're big fans.

1438
01:05:51,840 --> 01:05:55,760
Speaker 1: It's funny. Wills icon as an actor. Yes, I'm an actor,

1439
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:58,560
Speaker 1: cod as an actor. She's a TV host. Of course.

1440
01:05:58,760 --> 01:06:03,800
Speaker 1: Jada has rented people automatically say you know, well, you

1441
01:06:03,840 --> 01:06:06,040
Speaker 1: guys are going to be our generation version of Will

1442
01:06:06,080 --> 01:06:08,439
Speaker 1: and Jada. I look up to them more for their

1443
01:06:08,480 --> 01:06:13,680
Speaker 1: relationship then I do anything else outside of you know,

1444
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:16,080
Speaker 1: like TV or less of no matter. No, it's the

1445
01:06:16,080 --> 01:06:19,320
Speaker 1: way they they manage their children, the way they manage

1446
01:06:19,360 --> 01:06:21,680
Speaker 1: their relationship because they don't call it a marriage, you know,

1447
01:06:21,880 --> 01:06:24,000
Speaker 1: And it's just like it's interesting to see and they

1448
01:06:24,040 --> 01:06:26,960
Speaker 1: did it while in Hollywood. Oh my god, that's recent

1449
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:31,880
Speaker 1: the Tyler Perry, Yes, the pure Yeah, that's amazing. You

1450
01:06:31,960 --> 01:06:36,040
Speaker 1: look beautiful. Oh my gosh, that is the perfect day

1451
01:06:36,080 --> 01:06:39,600
Speaker 1: to meet them. That you were so so humble and

1452
01:06:39,720 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 1: just so personal, and you know when you admire someone

1453
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:45,120
Speaker 1: from Afar for so long and then you finally get

1454
01:06:45,160 --> 01:06:46,959
Speaker 1: to meet them and they're everything you thought they would

1455
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,320
Speaker 1: be in more. Yeah, that was such a heartwarming, like

1456
01:06:49,320 --> 01:06:52,280
Speaker 1: we literally were Actually I want to ask you to

1457
01:06:52,320 --> 01:06:53,920
Speaker 1: send it to me, even though it has no relatance

1458
01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:58,120
Speaker 1: to my life, and I'm like, I have that you can.

1459
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:01,240
Speaker 1: I understand it because that's how I feel about them

1460
01:07:01,240 --> 01:07:04,320
Speaker 1: as well, especially listening to them on Red Table Talk.

1461
01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:06,960
Speaker 1: They're very transparent, like Kadan and I are in a

1462
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:10,480
Speaker 1: very unapologize There's some things that Will has said verbatim

1463
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:12,600
Speaker 1: that I'm like, oh my god, it's to the point

1464
01:07:12,600 --> 01:07:14,680
Speaker 1: where it's scary. It is because it's literally like the

1465
01:07:14,720 --> 01:07:16,640
Speaker 1: same thing that he has said at some point to

1466
01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:20,160
Speaker 1: me about our relationship because we have so many conversations openly,

1467
01:07:20,600 --> 01:07:23,440
Speaker 1: and I was just like, this is insanity. So it

1468
01:07:23,480 --> 01:07:25,560
Speaker 1: was really refreshing and I sed to meet them. Yeah,

1469
01:07:25,600 --> 01:07:28,440
Speaker 1: I love their theory that relationships are b y o H,

1470
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:30,800
Speaker 1: bring your own happiness, and that that was something that

1471
01:07:30,800 --> 01:07:34,560
Speaker 1: they've learned recently and through. They actually don't say marriage anymore,

1472
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:37,680
Speaker 1: they just say life partners. Yeah, exactly where it starts.

1473
01:07:37,840 --> 01:07:42,080
Speaker 1: We've our relationship got so much better when I said, listen, kay,

1474
01:07:42,360 --> 01:07:45,040
Speaker 1: you you figure out what's gonna make you happy. I'm

1475
01:07:45,040 --> 01:07:46,680
Speaker 1: gonna figure out was gonna make me happy, and then

1476
01:07:46,680 --> 01:07:48,840
Speaker 1: we're just gonna share it. We're going to share it

1477
01:07:48,880 --> 01:07:50,240
Speaker 1: with each other for the rest of our lives. And

1478
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:53,600
Speaker 1: there's just been so many more celebratory moments, yes, so many,

1479
01:07:54,160 --> 01:07:57,080
Speaker 1: and not so much of you're not doing this right,

1480
01:07:57,240 --> 01:07:58,920
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. It was more now like

1481
01:07:58,960 --> 01:08:01,360
Speaker 1: I need to find out how I and do learn

1482
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:02,720
Speaker 1: to do this and ship it with you and we

1483
01:08:02,760 --> 01:08:04,200
Speaker 1: can do it together. I feel like that was the

1484
01:08:04,200 --> 01:08:05,960
Speaker 1: moment in truth, all of us, a moment of truth

1485
01:08:05,960 --> 01:08:08,120
Speaker 1: all in it. I do because we normally end every

1486
01:08:08,120 --> 01:08:10,520
Speaker 1: episode with talking about what our moment of truth was

1487
01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:12,680
Speaker 1: for this episode, like what did we learn? What was

1488
01:08:12,720 --> 01:08:14,720
Speaker 1: our takeaway? And I feel like it was kind of

1489
01:08:14,760 --> 01:08:19,479
Speaker 1: wrapped up in one there, H bring your own happiness

1490
01:08:19,960 --> 01:08:27,559
Speaker 1: and your mom's pubis and sprinkling with a little tumoring God.

1491
01:08:29,320 --> 01:08:32,000
Speaker 1: Thank you for sticking around with us. Shan. Please make

1492
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:34,240
Speaker 1: sure you guys go out and take a look. You've

1493
01:08:34,280 --> 01:08:39,479
Speaker 1: been a thank you. Fame of desire. Absolutely the quiz

1494
01:08:39,479 --> 01:08:41,120
Speaker 1: will be curious to know how y'all worked out with

1495
01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:42,720
Speaker 1: that quiz. I'm gonna go take it because I'm still

1496
01:08:42,720 --> 01:08:45,960
Speaker 1: trying to learn. Yes, myself and this guy, and be

1497
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:48,280
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on social media. That's I am

1498
01:08:48,320 --> 01:08:51,679
Speaker 1: devout and I am and if you're listening what Apple podcasts,

1499
01:08:51,680 --> 01:09:00,640
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead Ass is

1500
01:09:00,680 --> 01:09:03,800
Speaker 1: a production of Stitcher. It's produced by t Square and

1501
01:09:03,880 --> 01:09:08,040
Speaker 1: Genora Pinion. Our chief content Officer is Chris Banning. Our

1502
01:09:08,080 --> 01:09:12,320
Speaker 1: associate producers are Kristen Torres and Treble. Our studio engineers

1503
01:09:12,360 --> 01:09:24,160
Speaker 1: are Brandon Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. We're back. I'm

1504
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:26,479
Speaker 1: Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast

1505
01:09:26,520 --> 01:09:28,599
Speaker 1: going on right now. It's part of the Stitchen network

1506
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:34,400
Speaker 1: called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,

1507
01:09:34,600 --> 01:09:37,120
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.

1508
01:09:37,280 --> 01:09:37,880
Speaker 1: Do it. Please,