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Speaker 1: This podcast has mature content and language that may not

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Speaker 1: be appropriate for all audiences. Listener discretion is advised. Episode

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Speaker 1: four Play The part part of dating someone is knowing

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Speaker 1: if it's okay to share your full self with them

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Speaker 1: and really hoping that they want to see the fuller picture.

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Speaker 1: My last boyfriend, Adam loved part of me, the part

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Speaker 1: that passed as assis woman. He loved that I could

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Speaker 1: hide the bigger picture of who I really am, and

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Speaker 1: I was so used to hiding that I played along,

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Speaker 1: and I hated it. I wanted to be seen and

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Speaker 1: appreciated as a whole person. But even if someone access

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Speaker 1: my identity or my story, are there other parts of

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Speaker 1: me that I just can't stop hiding. I am Emmy

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Speaker 1: and this is Crumbs, my love story. It's a show

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Speaker 1: about the things we settled for and the bits of

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Speaker 1: ourselves that make us who we are. Emmy professional Latina

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Speaker 1: just moved to l a and exploring the scene asterisk,

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Speaker 1: trans and sober. After Adam and I broke up, I

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Speaker 1: got a text from an old flame, a very handsome

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Speaker 1: guy in his early forties named Zach. He had been

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Speaker 1: following my social media and figured out that I was single. Again.

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Speaker 1: So when Zach and I first hooked up, it was

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Speaker 1: kind of a casual, one time thing. We had met

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Speaker 1: through a mutual friend, and then he invited me to

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Speaker 1: come over to his house. He had a really nice

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Speaker 1: house with an amazing view of the ocean. I remember

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Speaker 1: walking in and just getting hit in the face with

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Speaker 1: the strongest smell of weed. So immediately I started thinking

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Speaker 1: that this wasn't gonna be good for my sobriety. But

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Speaker 1: we hung out, hooked up, had a really nice night,

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Speaker 1: and that was it. So we never really had that

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Speaker 1: discussion of like, what are you looking for or what

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Speaker 1: do you want from this? I lived forty miles away

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Speaker 1: from him and in l A with traffic that's like

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Speaker 1: two hours away, So that was it. And then about

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Speaker 1: a year later, after Adam I got a text from Zach,

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Speaker 1: I texted back. I wasn't opposed to the occasional hook up,

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Speaker 1: but Zach actually asked do you want to go to

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Speaker 1: a movie or have dinner? So he was asking me

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Speaker 1: out on a date, not just the hook up. I

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Speaker 1: felt like maybe he wants to get to know me,

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Speaker 1: and Zack asked me, do you have any favorite Italian

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Speaker 1: spots in l A and the reality is that I

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Speaker 1: didn't because I hadn't been exposed to the l A

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Speaker 1: life yet. I was still in college. And you know,

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Speaker 1: also like I'm super broke. I'm living off of my

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Speaker 1: four one cave from a T and C that I

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Speaker 1: had cashed out. So yeah, no, I didn't know fine dining.

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Speaker 1: You say Italian, and I'm you know, I'm thinking Olive Garden.

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Speaker 1: So we drive from his house to an Italian restaurant

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Speaker 1: in Hollywood, and you know, it's called Ostia Angelini. I've

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Speaker 1: never been there and never heard of it. We walk

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Speaker 1: in and it's so nicely set. You walk in and

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Speaker 1: it's dark and has candles and it's just ambience is

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Speaker 1: so elegant, and I'm thinking, wow, this is really nice.

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Speaker 1: So we sit down. The waiter gives me the menu.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what the funk I was gonna order,

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Speaker 1: so I literally just pointed out something in the menu

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Speaker 1: and ended up with the delicious pasta. And the food

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Speaker 1: just kept coming, appetizers, desserts, diet coke refilled. It felt

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Speaker 1: really good to be wined and dined. Everyone deserves this

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Speaker 1: kind of treatment. And when he asked about my family,

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Speaker 1: I took a deep breath, and I did something different.

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Speaker 1: I told him the truth, all of it. I told

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Speaker 1: him about my mom's drug use, that I started working

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Speaker 1: at age sixteen, and that I had a custody of

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Speaker 1: my sisters by the time I was nineteen. I told

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Speaker 1: him like, actually, my mom's in prison. You know that

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Speaker 1: I was so berned that I had my issues with

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Speaker 1: cocaine and alcohol. I expected him to be a little

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Speaker 1: more like ho ship, like this bitch is crazy, but no,

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Speaker 1: like he was very receptive and caring. He had this

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Speaker 1: look of actual care and concern on his face, which

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Speaker 1: allowed me to tell him more about myself. And I

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Speaker 1: was an open book with him. I didn't feel like

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Speaker 1: I had to hide who I was or have any

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Speaker 1: shame about where I came from. I was like, hell, yeah,

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Speaker 1: this is this is what I deserve, you know. And

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Speaker 1: the more that I got to know Zach, I started

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Speaker 1: developing sort of feelings for him. It was like the

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Speaker 1: way I saw this, you know, our relationship if you

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Speaker 1: want to call it that, what's kind of like Mr

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Speaker 1: Big and carry from the Sex in the city, right

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Speaker 1: Like he was my Mr Big. He was older than me,

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Speaker 1: he was stable, took me to the best restaurants. I

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Speaker 1: felt like he cared about me. YEA, one night during dinner,

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Speaker 1: he said, you know, your entire life, you've taken care

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Speaker 1: of your mom, You've taken care of your sisters. Who

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Speaker 1: takes care of you? Like, why don't you let someone

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Speaker 1: take care of you? So he would always try to

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Speaker 1: do nice things for me, whether you know, take me

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Speaker 1: to the movies, or go out to a nice dinner

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Speaker 1: or you know, even he would even cook for me

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Speaker 1: at his house. But it wasn't just his time and

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Speaker 1: his care that he was offering. One day he said,

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Speaker 1: I mean, if you ever need any help, you know

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Speaker 1: I have the means to help you. I have a

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Speaker 1: lot of pride, like I don't wanna ask anybody for

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Speaker 1: a handout. That's just that's just who I am. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't until sometime, you know, maybe a year after I

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Speaker 1: knew him, that I actually did accept help from him.

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Speaker 1: And I remember being feeling so embarrassed and just so

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Speaker 1: kind of ashamed that I was going through the situation.

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Speaker 1: But like he kept saying, you know, it's fine to

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Speaker 1: let people help you, right, It doesn't make you less

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Speaker 1: of a person. Zach was not my sugar daddy. So

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Speaker 1: don't get it twisted. It wasn't like that. He just

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Speaker 1: genuinely cared about what I was going through, and he

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Speaker 1: was concerned I had feelings for him. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking that this is a guy that I want

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Speaker 1: to date, This is a guy that I would love

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Speaker 1: to have a serious relationship with. I saw him as

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Speaker 1: a good person with a good heart. You know, he

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Speaker 1: would help all of his friends. He was very generous

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Speaker 1: with everyone. He's smart, he's um carrying. I want him

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Speaker 1: to stick around. So I never really pushed dating him seriously.

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Speaker 1: I just didn't know if he was built that way.

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Speaker 1: You know, in my eyes, he's husband material for sure.

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Speaker 1: Right Yet I never really pursued it seriously because I

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Speaker 1: didn't know if he wanted to have that with a

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Speaker 1: transgender woman. What I tried to do was to play

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Speaker 1: it cool. And there was a reason for that. He

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Speaker 1: had dated all kinds of women in his past, right,

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Speaker 1: so I knew he had already dated trans women before.

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Speaker 1: And I remember one time we were having NERD and

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Speaker 1: he casually said, you know what I like about you

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Speaker 1: the most is that you're not crazy like some trans women.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I get it, but at the same time,

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Speaker 1: It's like not fair, because here's the thing. When I

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Speaker 1: started my hormone therapy, I was that crazy. You're going

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Speaker 1: through puberty all over again. This is my personal experience.

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Speaker 1: I can't speak for all trans people. I couldn't control

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Speaker 1: my emotions and my feelings, Like I had a rage

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Speaker 1: and I had like these bouts of I don't even

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Speaker 1: know how to describe them, like these tantrumps, these rage

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Speaker 1: tantrums that I would have because I didn't know how

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Speaker 1: to manage my feelings and my emotions with all this

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Speaker 1: estrogen that was being pumped into me. So I like

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Speaker 1: that you're not crazy? Was it a comment about what

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Speaker 1: stage I was at in my transition? Like what does

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Speaker 1: that mean? You know? Like who in the middle of

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Speaker 1: dinner stops and asks like, oh, you know, thanks for

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Speaker 1: saying that. Can you please like elaborate on that means

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Speaker 1: so that I can adhere to not being crazy, so

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Speaker 1: that you can love and like me. We don't do that.

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Speaker 1: There was that clouded thought in my head of like, well,

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Speaker 1: what is crazy? You know? Is it all the behaviors

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Speaker 1: that I displayed in my previous relationships or like the

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Speaker 1: behaviors that my mom displayed in her relationships, Like, I

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Speaker 1: just wanted to be a better person. I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to be cool. I just wanted him to want to

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Speaker 1: have me around. So I censored myself and I don't

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Speaker 1: really like For example, if I would have told Zack Zach,

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Speaker 1: I want to be your girlfriend, is he going to

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Speaker 1: perceive that as me being cleany? When we're out in public,

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Speaker 1: it's like we're a couple, right because he's holding my

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Speaker 1: hand as we're walking to the movie theater. He calls

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Speaker 1: me babe, and he kisses me in public, like all

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Speaker 1: these things, yet there's no real label to it. Me

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Speaker 1: vocalizing my needs could potentially make me look crazy. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. It's a risk I didn't want to take.

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Speaker 1: So even though internally I was upset and jealous that

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Speaker 1: I wasn't the only woman in Zack's life, I couldn't

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Speaker 1: really show that because I didn't want him to be

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Speaker 1: turned off by me. I just wanted him to want

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Speaker 1: to have me around. I decided that was the role

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Speaker 1: I was going to play. I learned to play the

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Speaker 1: part early on. When I was seven years old, I

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Speaker 1: spent some time I'm living with my mom. We're living

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Speaker 1: in my grandmother's house. But my grandmother's not there, and um,

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Speaker 1: spoiler alert, my grandmother went to prison, and we'll get

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Speaker 1: into that in a different episode. But now I'm like

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Speaker 1: in an adjustment phase. I'm adjusting to living with this

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Speaker 1: woman who had always been in and out of my life. Right,

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Speaker 1: my mom would always be in jail, or in detox

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Speaker 1: or in the rehab. So here's my mom, this twenty

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Speaker 1: one year old single mom with a heroin addiction. I remember,

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Speaker 1: you know, we get on wellfare immediately because now my

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Speaker 1: grandmother can support us, and just the WAFA checks for

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Speaker 1: some reason, aren't enough money to support a drug habit

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Speaker 1: and to take care of a seven year old kid.

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Speaker 1: So my mom continues doing her little side hustles. Remember

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Speaker 1: that restaurant I talked about, Boom, So there's one job

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Speaker 1: that my mom took on that I kind of remember,

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Speaker 1: just happening over and over right again and again. We'd

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Speaker 1: get in the car, we drive to a foil and

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Speaker 1: my mom would meet up with these weird people, strangers

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Speaker 1: to me, and I'd see them hand my mom an

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Speaker 1: envelope and then you know, just staying nod and I

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Speaker 1: don't know, agree on the terms whatever, those were and

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Speaker 1: then we get back in the car and she's like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're going on an adventure. We crossed the border from

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Speaker 1: Sunny Sea Little to Tijuana and it was literally like

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Speaker 1: a three minute drive from a boiled to the border.

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Speaker 1: So once we crossed the border, we drive to this

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Speaker 1: I don't know, a restaurant and then my mom would said, okay,

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Speaker 1: get in the back, and I jumped in the back seat.

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Speaker 1: You know, a strange man would get in the front seat.

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Speaker 1: My mom would open up the envelope and hand this

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Speaker 1: man a passport or a green card, whatever it was,

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Speaker 1: and you know, the man would analyze the green card,

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Speaker 1: read it off to my mom, and then that started

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Speaker 1: like a dialogue, a conversation where my mom would start

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Speaker 1: asking the man, Okay, what's your name, where are you from,

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Speaker 1: what's your data? Were you born, how did you get

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Speaker 1: your paper? How did you become a citizen. I've been

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Speaker 1: crossing the border my entire life. I knew like my

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Speaker 1: mom was role playing and she was pretending to be

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Speaker 1: a border patrol agent when she was asking these strangers

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Speaker 1: these questions. And that's when I realized that what my

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Speaker 1: mom was doing, her little side hustle was crossing undocumented

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Speaker 1: immigrants into the US with fake documents. I remember definitely

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Speaker 1: knowing that what my mom was doing was illegal and

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Speaker 1: that she could get in trouble, that she could go

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Speaker 1: to jail. But you know, I'm in this adjustment phase

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Speaker 1: where I'm trying to get to know this woman, and

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Speaker 1: I go with it. Right the people please are in

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Speaker 1: me just wants to be I want to fit in.

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Speaker 1: And so even though deep down inside I know that

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Speaker 1: she what she's doing is wrong, and deep downside I

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Speaker 1: don't want to do it, I do it. And I

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Speaker 1: remember there was this one day that my mom, you know,

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Speaker 1: we picked up this stranger, a woman, and she got

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Speaker 1: in the front seat and my mom was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think my mom was probably not feeling well or

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Speaker 1: maybe she was high, I don't know, but she said,

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Speaker 1: I'll be right back, and so she left me in

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Speaker 1: the car where the stranger and I took the document

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Speaker 1: I think it was a resident alien card, and I

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Speaker 1: took it upon myself to start quizzing this woman and

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Speaker 1: I start asking her like I took on the border

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Speaker 1: patrol agent role and I started role playing with her.

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Speaker 1: I remember asking her like, oh you know, what's your name,

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Speaker 1: what's your date of birth? And so when my mom

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Speaker 1: got back in the car, I very proudly said, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, mom helping you. And she was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: you know, and she just let me. Let me do

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Speaker 1: it for a while. So my mom would always call

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Speaker 1: me her little helper. Being called her little helper, it

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Speaker 1: made me feel proud of what I was doing. And

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Speaker 1: then the day came. We're at the border. There's one

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Speaker 1: car for an of us, and you always get that

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Speaker 1: rush of adrenaline when you're the next in line and

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Speaker 1: you know what you're doing is illegal, and so there's

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Speaker 1: like this thrill that you get right like are we

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Speaker 1: going to get away with it? It was our turn

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Speaker 1: and we were pulling up to the border patrol agent

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Speaker 1: and then he starts asking questions and he starts asking

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Speaker 1: the strange woman, what's your name? Where are you headed too?

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Speaker 1: I'm The woman starts stuttering, she starts getting nervous. So

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Speaker 1: my mom starts answering for her, and the border patrol

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Speaker 1: agent says, ma'am, I'm speaking to her, and so my

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Speaker 1: mom shuts up. The border patrol agents talking to this

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Speaker 1: woman in Spanish, and something's off I know, like, we're

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Speaker 1: not going to get through this one. My heart starts beating.

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Speaker 1: I start getting scared. I can see my mom just

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Speaker 1: get so quiet and so like wide eyed that she

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Speaker 1: starts getting nervous herself. And you know, the border patrol

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Speaker 1: agent takes our documents, he starts writing a piece of paper.

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Speaker 1: He puts the documents on the windshield wiper with the

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Speaker 1: other piece of paper and sends it to secondary inspection.

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Speaker 1: I was scared. I knew my mom was gonna go

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Speaker 1: to jail, and I didn't know what was gonna happen

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Speaker 1: to me. You know, I had just lost my grandmother

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Speaker 1: to prison, so I was adjusting to living with my mom,

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Speaker 1: and now she's gonna go to jail, and I have

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Speaker 1: to go adjust somewhere else. They take the stranger away,

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Speaker 1: and then they handcuffed my mom. They get her out

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Speaker 1: of the car. They put her up against the car

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Speaker 1: and they handcuffed her, and they escort her through this

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Speaker 1: hall and they take my hand and I'm walking right

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Speaker 1: behind my mom and we get to this huge room

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Speaker 1: with a lot of people sitting there. I'm imagining they

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Speaker 1: were the people that they had busted that day, and

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Speaker 1: it's just like I'm shaking. I know my mom's gonna

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Speaker 1: go to jail. What's gonna happen with me? They sit

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Speaker 1: us down, they take my mom's car keys, they inspect

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Speaker 1: the car, they take my mom's wallet, they take her

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Speaker 1: handcuffs off. Finally, when we get to this seating waiting

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Speaker 1: area and there's a bunch of people just sitting there,

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Speaker 1: and I could tell they were, you know, I could

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Speaker 1: tell that they were in the same situation as we were.

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Speaker 1: I asked my mom, what's going to happen, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, and she gets really quiet. I start

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Speaker 1: getting antsy. I'm a hyper little kid. I have this

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Speaker 1: little styrofoam airplane that I had been playing with, you know,

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Speaker 1: the kind of little styrofolm airplane you get an ice

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Speaker 1: cream truck. I had that in my hand and I

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Speaker 1: was just throwing it, you know. I was running around

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Speaker 1: and my mom was like, sit down, sit down, like

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Speaker 1: we're gonna get in trouble. Sit down. We were already

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Speaker 1: in trouble. Like core with kidding Mom. And I'm playing

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Speaker 1: with this little airplane and I throw it really far

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Speaker 1: and it lands close to the turnstiles, you know, like

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Speaker 1: when you're exiting that building, and my mom calls me.

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Speaker 1: She's like, come here. So I grabbed my airplane. I

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Speaker 1: go back and she's like, I think that's the exit

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Speaker 1: to the street. Okay, should we leave. She's like, we'll

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Speaker 1: keep playing with your airplane. Keep playing with the airplane,

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Speaker 1: just throw it really far, and when I call your name,

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Speaker 1: don't turn around. Just keep playing with your airplane. And

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Speaker 1: so I started playing with this airplane. Gells at me.

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Speaker 1: You know, they called me wet all back then. So

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Speaker 1: she's like, what all seeing that there? You know? We

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Speaker 1: all sit down, and I wasn't listening, and I threw

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Speaker 1: the airplane past the turnstiles and my mom's like what all?

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Speaker 1: And she gets up and she runs towards me to

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Speaker 1: get me. We already have this deal like if she

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Speaker 1: calls my name, I don't turn around. I just keep

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Speaker 1: walking and she's going to chase after me. And so

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Speaker 1: I go onto the turnstiles, pick up my airplane and

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Speaker 1: throw it even further into this like long hallway, and

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Speaker 1: she's screaming, what don't come back here? And I'm not listening,

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Speaker 1: and I hear the turnstiles click, and I just like

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Speaker 1: glanced over and I see my mom just crossed the turnstiles.

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Speaker 1: So I keep throwing my airplane further and I see

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Speaker 1: a two double doors and it says exit, and I

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Speaker 1: remember pushing that handle, and it was like into the street,

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Speaker 1: you know, just people walking normally. It's right at the

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Speaker 1: trolley station, and I just keep running. My mom's chasing

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Speaker 1: after me. She's yelling my name, but I didn't turn

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Speaker 1: around and go back. And next thing you know it,

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Speaker 1: my mom's out. I'm out and we'll get on the trolley.

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Speaker 1: And I felt so proud of myself that I was

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Speaker 1: able to get my mom out of this situation where

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Speaker 1: she was going to go to jail. We laughed the

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Speaker 1: entire ride, just this release of fear and this happiness

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Speaker 1: of being free. But that passenger she was still back there.

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Speaker 1: I think about her sometimes. Nothing ever happened to us.

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Speaker 1: I don't think we crossed people anymore after that. I

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Speaker 1: think my mom finally got a little scared that she

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Speaker 1: was on the radar. When my mom tells stories about

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Speaker 1: this time in our life, she tells him with a smile,

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Speaker 1: I guess I just wanted to be close to my mom,

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Speaker 1: and that was the only avenue that I had to

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Speaker 1: be close to my mom at the time because she

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Speaker 1: was deep in her addiction. So like, I made it work.

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Speaker 1: I worked around it. If she needed me to be

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Speaker 1: her little helper, then I was going to be her

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Speaker 1: little helper. Yeah, it's hard to think of this as

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Speaker 1: a funny story when it was painful at the same time.

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Speaker 1: It was painful to have to search for ways to

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Speaker 1: be wanted even when they made me really uncomfortable. And

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Speaker 1: it's painful that I got used to that and that

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Speaker 1: it stayed with me over time, so that with boyfriends,

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Speaker 1: I was so ready to figure out what they wanted

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Speaker 1: me to be and be that and censor everything else.

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Speaker 1: If I fit the mold of what they are or want,

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Speaker 1: then I'm good. Like I'll fit in and I'll be wanted,

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Speaker 1: and I'll be loved and I'll be accepted. If I

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Speaker 1: wanted to have this experience, Mr Big and Carry Bradshaw experience,

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Speaker 1: like I had to fit the bill and I had

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Speaker 1: to adapt and play the part. If Zach wanted me

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Speaker 1: to be his causual flame, I was just going to

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Speaker 1: be his casual flame. I normalized being casual when I

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Speaker 1: wanted something more so because I was sensing myself and

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Speaker 1: trying not to seem crazy. I never really told him

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Speaker 1: what my true feelings were and that I wanted something

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Speaker 1: serious with him. And because I never told him, you know,

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Speaker 1: he's off on a new chapter in his life with

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Speaker 1: someone else, so I will never get the chance to

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Speaker 1: tell him. He got engaged. And that was that. In

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Speaker 1: my eagerness to want someone to want me around, I

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Speaker 1: quieted a big part of myself, my needs. And I

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Speaker 1: know it's because I was used to that. I managed

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Speaker 1: to find someone who made me feel more comfortable expressing

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Speaker 1: who I am and where I come from, But the

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Speaker 1: whole time I felt like I couldn't express my feelings.

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Speaker 1: Great that you can tell me about your mom's heroin

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Speaker 1: us and being in prison and her not being around

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Speaker 1: and you having to raise your sisters. But don't let

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Speaker 1: any of that make you any less chill, okay, tell

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Speaker 1: me about your life, but not about your emotional needs.

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Speaker 1: Don't let any of that lived experience make you crazy

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Speaker 1: or demand ending keep it together. But my emotional needs

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00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 1: are part of me. So what would it be like

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Speaker 1: to be my full self? To express myself? Can I

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Speaker 1: do that without fear? Next time I crumbs? I try

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Speaker 1: Crumbs is the production of I Heart Radios Michael Lura

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Speaker 1: podcast Network in association with Children Horse. It's produced by

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Speaker 1: Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jasmine Rometo and Alex Sumeto.

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00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,520
Speaker 1: Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt and engineering by Manuel

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00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 1: Executive produced by Javances and Conno Burn for I Heart,

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00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 1: Alex Bumeto for Children, Joshua Weinstein, Jasmindro, Metro Cam and

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00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: me Emio Lea Special thanks to Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrava

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00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,880
Speaker 1: and Sara Mota. Listen to Crumbs on the I Heart

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00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.