WEBVTT - The Two Words That Saved Mel Robbins 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:23.876 Pushkin Hay Slight Changers. I have some exciting news. I've 0:00:23.916 --> 0:00:27.236 written a book. It's called The Other Side of Change, 0:00:27.716 --> 0:00:31.916 Who we become when life makes other plans. It's available 0:00:31.996 --> 0:00:35.996 for pre order today at changewithmaya dot com slash book. 0:00:36.596 --> 0:00:39.836 I would appreciate your early support of this project so much. 0:00:40.476 --> 0:00:43.316 Is truly the thing I'm most proud to have created. 0:00:44.236 --> 0:00:46.156 You can find the link to pre order in our 0:00:46.196 --> 0:00:49.596 episode description. Thanks so much, and now onto the show, 0:01:00.476 --> 0:01:03.636 Hay Light Changers. Just a heads up, there's a brief 0:01:03.676 --> 0:01:06.436 mention of sexual assault in this episode at the five 0:01:06.516 --> 0:01:09.316 minute mark. It's not explicit, but if you want to 0:01:09.356 --> 0:01:11.996 skip over that minute, please do and take care. 0:01:14.156 --> 0:01:19.156 I actually thought that I would feel safe if everybody 0:01:19.276 --> 0:01:25.756 around me was okay, that if everybody around me was happy, 0:01:25.836 --> 0:01:30.316 if everybody around me was not disappointed, if everybody around 0:01:30.356 --> 0:01:35.076 me liked me or thought I was cool, then I 0:01:35.116 --> 0:01:35.876 would be okay. 0:01:37.036 --> 0:01:40.636 Mel Robbins is a best selling author and podcast host. 0:01:41.436 --> 0:01:44.756 And the problem with that is that the one thing 0:01:44.836 --> 0:01:48.876 you can't control in life is other people, and so 0:01:49.036 --> 0:01:53.276 to hand your safety and sense of self over to 0:01:53.396 --> 0:01:56.996 other people's moods and thoughts and expectations of you means 0:01:57.036 --> 0:02:01.196 you will forever in your entire life, always feel as 0:02:01.276 --> 0:02:04.156 though you're not in control of what's happening. 0:02:04.796 --> 0:02:08.956 On today's show. To all my people, pleasers, control freaks, 0:02:09.196 --> 0:02:13.796 perfectionists and micromanagers, we're learning to let it all go. 0:02:15.716 --> 0:02:19.716 I'm Maya Schunker, as scientist who studies human behavior, and 0:02:19.836 --> 0:02:22.636 this is a slight change of plans. I show about 0:02:22.636 --> 0:02:25.036 who we are and who we become in the face 0:02:25.196 --> 0:02:37.036 of a big change. If you've ever found yourself bending 0:02:37.076 --> 0:02:41.116 over backwards to meet other people's expectations or trying to 0:02:41.196 --> 0:02:44.996 control their emotions and behaviors, I promise that you are 0:02:45.076 --> 0:02:49.716 not alone. Mel Robbin's, host of the wildly popular The 0:02:49.716 --> 0:02:53.236 Mel Robins podcast, has a new book out called The 0:02:53.316 --> 0:02:56.556 Let Them Theory. It's all about how to stop giving 0:02:56.596 --> 0:02:59.756 other people so much power and to let go of 0:02:59.796 --> 0:03:03.476 our need to control them. To better understand her interest 0:03:03.556 --> 0:03:06.556 in this philosophy, I wanted to know more about Mel's 0:03:06.596 --> 0:03:11.076 relationship with control. What kind of messages do you feel 0:03:11.276 --> 0:03:14.676 that you were absorbing as a child about what it 0:03:14.796 --> 0:03:17.476 meant to live a good life, to live at a 0:03:17.556 --> 0:03:18.156 happy life. 0:03:19.556 --> 0:03:22.916 You know this is a difficult question for me to answer, 0:03:23.436 --> 0:03:26.196 I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood, 0:03:27.276 --> 0:03:33.356 and I know why, and the reason why is because 0:03:33.756 --> 0:03:36.716 I basically kind of lived in a constant state of 0:03:36.756 --> 0:03:39.876 being on edge or being in fight or flight, which 0:03:39.916 --> 0:03:44.196 is very common if you have any past trauma, or 0:03:44.276 --> 0:03:48.116 if you have had any adverse childhood experiences, or if 0:03:48.196 --> 0:03:51.356 you just live in a household where the moods of 0:03:51.396 --> 0:03:54.156 the adults are chaotic, or there are things going on 0:03:54.516 --> 0:03:57.036 that you shouldn't have to deal with as a child. 0:03:57.356 --> 0:04:00.676 But what I would say is that when I think 0:04:00.716 --> 0:04:05.436 about my childhood and very happy times, my mom and 0:04:05.476 --> 0:04:07.876 I would always go to the farmer's market and all 0:04:07.956 --> 0:04:12.156 the farmers would be at their various stalls. My mom 0:04:12.636 --> 0:04:17.596 knew every single person there. She knew whether they had 0:04:17.676 --> 0:04:20.196 kids or grandkids, she knew the name of the dogs. 0:04:20.516 --> 0:04:23.676 As she would be picking up the radishes or squeezing 0:04:23.716 --> 0:04:26.716 the peaches, they'd be chatting up a storm about the 0:04:26.756 --> 0:04:29.316 weather or the crops, or how their. 0:04:29.236 --> 0:04:32.836 Kid is doing. And it really made. 0:04:32.716 --> 0:04:35.796 An impression on me. And so I would say, a 0:04:35.836 --> 0:04:38.476 good life, in my mind, is one where you are 0:04:38.916 --> 0:04:42.756 living your life in relation to other people, and you 0:04:42.836 --> 0:04:45.756 are showing up in a way where you're interested in 0:04:45.796 --> 0:04:47.876 them and their well being and what they're doing. 0:04:48.636 --> 0:04:52.356 It's so interesting because you said living a good life 0:04:52.396 --> 0:04:54.636 is about living in relation to others, and I can 0:04:54.676 --> 0:04:57.076 see that that can be a double edged sword. You 0:04:57.156 --> 0:04:59.996 might become beholden to the views of others and their 0:04:59.996 --> 0:05:02.676 impression of you. And I am curious to know you 0:05:02.756 --> 0:05:04.956 mentioned that you were kind of in a constant state 0:05:05.116 --> 0:05:10.916 of being on edge, probably hypervigilant. Tell me more about 0:05:11.356 --> 0:05:14.716 what your relationship with control was like as it pertained 0:05:14.756 --> 0:05:18.196 to trying to control your environment and the people in it. 0:05:19.316 --> 0:05:22.436 For me as a young kid, it was a lot 0:05:22.476 --> 0:05:25.556 around wondering what mood certain people were going to be 0:05:25.596 --> 0:05:29.996 in in the household, and this sense that I have 0:05:30.236 --> 0:05:34.596 to behave a certain way in order to make sure 0:05:34.876 --> 0:05:38.556 that things are peaceful or people are happy, or nobody's 0:05:38.556 --> 0:05:41.876 mad at me. Like it was just this constant state 0:05:41.996 --> 0:05:46.476 of something's wrong, I'm about to get in trouble, and. 0:05:46.516 --> 0:05:48.956 The you know, I like. 0:05:49.156 --> 0:05:50.996 The thing that I should say is that I had 0:05:50.996 --> 0:05:53.076 this incident when I was in the fourth grade where 0:05:53.156 --> 0:05:55.396 I woke up in the middle of the night at 0:05:55.396 --> 0:05:57.676 a big family ski trip and there was an older 0:05:57.756 --> 0:06:00.836 kid on top of me, and you know, they were 0:06:00.876 --> 0:06:04.756 doing something very inappropriate, and I possmed. I just froze 0:06:04.836 --> 0:06:07.036 and rolled over and I don't even remember how it 0:06:07.156 --> 0:06:10.356 ended because I left my body. And I think from 0:06:10.356 --> 0:06:14.476 that point forward, I had this intense sense in my 0:06:14.596 --> 0:06:19.156 body that something was terribly wrong, and I didn't tell anybody. 0:06:19.716 --> 0:06:23.316 And I didn't tell anybody because as an eight year old, 0:06:23.516 --> 0:06:26.316 I thought somehow I had done something wrong, which meant 0:06:26.316 --> 0:06:28.956 I was going to get in trouble. And that core 0:06:29.076 --> 0:06:33.076 experience I did something wrong and waking up every morning 0:06:33.116 --> 0:06:37.156 feeling like something bad has happened is what haunted me 0:06:37.956 --> 0:06:42.356 all the way into my thirties because I suppressed the experience. 0:06:43.236 --> 0:06:48.596 And so to your question, the way that control played 0:06:48.636 --> 0:06:52.996 out for me is I outsourced it. I actually thought 0:06:53.036 --> 0:06:59.076 that I would feel safe if everybody around me was okay, 0:07:00.156 --> 0:07:04.796 that if everybody around me was happy, if everybody around 0:07:04.836 --> 0:07:08.636 me was not disappointed, if everybody around me liked me 0:07:08.796 --> 0:07:13.516 or thought I was cool, then I would be okay. 0:07:14.276 --> 0:07:17.996 And the problem with that, when we unpack it, is 0:07:17.996 --> 0:07:23.316 that that is the one thing and the one strategy 0:07:23.436 --> 0:07:27.036 that actually will never put you in control of anything, 0:07:27.156 --> 0:07:30.756 because the one thing you can't control in life is 0:07:30.836 --> 0:07:33.476 other people. You can't control what they think, what they do, 0:07:33.556 --> 0:07:36.156 how they feel, what they expect of you, the lies 0:07:36.196 --> 0:07:40.156 they might tell, the disappointment they You can't control any 0:07:40.196 --> 0:07:44.116 of that. And so to hand your safety and sense 0:07:44.156 --> 0:07:48.676 of self over to other people's moods and thoughts and 0:07:48.756 --> 0:07:52.636 expectations of you means you will, forever in your entire life, 0:07:52.836 --> 0:07:57.036 always feel as though you're not in control of what's happening. 0:07:57.396 --> 0:07:58.476 Yeah. 0:07:58.596 --> 0:08:00.596 What is so interesting to me, though, is that you 0:08:01.476 --> 0:08:04.396 place an even greater burden on yourself because you are 0:08:04.436 --> 0:08:08.956 both giving power to others while seating that their behavior 0:08:09.236 --> 0:08:13.396 we're a direct function of you and your behaviors. What 0:08:13.516 --> 0:08:17.756 an enormous weight to carry as a young child. And 0:08:17.876 --> 0:08:20.076 I feel like what's coming to mind for me is 0:08:20.556 --> 0:08:24.556 the illusion of control, where we overestimate the degree to 0:08:24.556 --> 0:08:27.356 which we determine outcomes in our lives. But what's really 0:08:27.356 --> 0:08:29.836 interesting is that they study people and they found that 0:08:31.316 --> 0:08:34.556 there's a continuum here where you can move from either 0:08:34.596 --> 0:08:38.156 an internal locus of control to an external locus of control, 0:08:38.756 --> 0:08:41.796 and people with an external locus of control are much 0:08:41.836 --> 0:08:45.476 more comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity and things not quite 0:08:45.476 --> 0:08:49.116 going to plan because they understand that exogenous factors, the 0:08:49.156 --> 0:08:52.916 external world actually plays a really big role in dictating 0:08:52.916 --> 0:08:56.236 our lives. Then, people who are in the internal locus 0:08:56.276 --> 0:09:00.276 of control, we ascribe events to our own doing, so 0:09:00.396 --> 0:09:03.476 our successes are ours, and our failures are ours, and 0:09:03.516 --> 0:09:07.156 the behaviors of others are ours. Right, And a strong 0:09:07.196 --> 0:09:11.036 internal locus of control is association with greater happiness and 0:09:11.076 --> 0:09:15.676 greater well being and greater purpose overall, except that when 0:09:15.716 --> 0:09:18.996 things don't go according to plan, we're much more likely 0:09:19.276 --> 0:09:22.516 to self blame. We're much more likely to self break 0:09:23.236 --> 0:09:27.396 because we are the only explanation for why things didn't 0:09:27.436 --> 0:09:30.916 go well. And so what I'm hearing is that young 0:09:30.996 --> 0:09:36.316 Mele developed a really powerful internal locus of control where 0:09:36.316 --> 0:09:39.476 everything fell back on you. That's a lot. 0:09:39.916 --> 0:09:40.596 It is a lot. 0:09:40.916 --> 0:09:43.716 So you have this relationship with control when you're a child, 0:09:43.756 --> 0:09:47.356 and then as an adult you run up against the 0:09:47.516 --> 0:09:51.756 limits of your ability to maintain that equanimity in your 0:09:51.836 --> 0:09:55.156 environment when you and your family hit rock bottom, right, 0:09:55.196 --> 0:09:58.676 your husband's business crashes as a result of the Great Recession. 0:09:59.276 --> 0:10:00.436 Oh, and stupidity. 0:10:00.596 --> 0:10:02.996 I mean, like, there's a lot of stupid, like myself 0:10:02.996 --> 0:10:05.436 included like, I'm not going to blame it out there, like. 0:10:05.396 --> 0:10:07.876 There are some things that we did that were just dumb. 0:10:07.956 --> 0:10:10.436 Yeah, I should have known internal locus of control. Gal. 0:10:10.516 --> 0:10:12.916 Of course, you're going to make sure that you take accountability. 0:10:13.076 --> 0:10:16.716 I love this. You're eight hundred thousand dollars in debt 0:10:17.116 --> 0:10:19.716 at this point. You were in your early forty one, 0:10:19.796 --> 0:10:23.276 forty one yep, trying to raise three kids. Bring me 0:10:23.396 --> 0:10:26.916 back to that moment and what that might have taught 0:10:26.956 --> 0:10:29.596 you or not taught you about kind of the limits 0:10:29.596 --> 0:10:31.436 of your control, or how you might want to rethink 0:10:31.476 --> 0:10:32.316 that relationship. 0:10:33.036 --> 0:10:34.676 Oh my god, there's so much that it taught me. 0:10:35.116 --> 0:10:37.796 You know, when you're in a rock bottom moment, the 0:10:37.836 --> 0:10:40.436 worst thing somebody can say to you is you're going 0:10:40.476 --> 0:10:42.396 to look back on this as a blessing, Like you 0:10:42.436 --> 0:10:44.196 literally want to punch people in the face. 0:10:45.196 --> 0:10:45.276 No. 0:10:45.356 --> 0:10:47.996 I was forty one, and you know, look, I'm a 0:10:48.276 --> 0:10:51.836 very ambitious person, and never in my life had I 0:10:51.876 --> 0:10:54.636 made a vision board where I had cut out images 0:10:54.676 --> 0:11:01.636 that said bankruptcy, alcoholism, million dollars in debt, foreclosure, divorce. 0:11:02.436 --> 0:11:04.556 That was not part of the plan, of course, And 0:11:04.636 --> 0:11:08.316 what's interesting is We can talk reinvention and pivots and 0:11:08.676 --> 0:11:13.756 everything saying all we want right, but when it's happening 0:11:13.836 --> 0:11:20.836 to you, it's a different experience because what happens is 0:11:20.876 --> 0:11:25.236 your emotions takeover and you start to tell yourself a 0:11:25.276 --> 0:11:26.916 story that you're never going to get out of this. 0:11:26.956 --> 0:11:29.036 And for me, what that meant is, I lost my job. 0:11:29.796 --> 0:11:31.916 We were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt because we 0:11:31.916 --> 0:11:36.996 were complete freaking idiots by cashing out our life savings 0:11:37.036 --> 0:11:39.836 and shoving it into his business. After one location of 0:11:39.876 --> 0:11:43.196 a pizza restaurant went okay, and then all of a sudden, 0:11:43.356 --> 0:11:46.276 you know, two thousand and seven hits two thousand and eight, 0:11:46.476 --> 0:11:49.596 the recession hits our houses upside down. We have leans 0:11:49.636 --> 0:11:53.116 on it. We've cashed out everything we own. I've got 0:11:53.116 --> 0:11:55.476 three kids under the age of ten. Friends and family 0:11:55.516 --> 0:11:59.756 have invested in this business, and the bills are starting 0:11:59.796 --> 0:12:03.196 to pile up on the counter, and I'm pulling a 0:12:03.316 --> 0:12:05.276 kid out of town soccer because we can't afford one 0:12:05.316 --> 0:12:09.836 hundred and twenty five dollars. And I'm having trouble some 0:12:09.876 --> 0:12:11.796 weeks because Chris is not getting paid and I don't 0:12:11.836 --> 0:12:15.196 have a job. Putting gas in the car tank. Financial 0:12:15.236 --> 0:12:21.236 stress is crushing and you can't escape it, and there's 0:12:21.236 --> 0:12:25.276 a lot of shame around it, and so I drank 0:12:25.316 --> 0:12:29.236 myself into the ground. I became very angry and avoidant. 0:12:29.396 --> 0:12:33.636 I started blaming everything on my husband, and I became paralyzed. 0:12:34.036 --> 0:12:36.556 I was in like a frozen trauma response, which is 0:12:36.596 --> 0:12:38.156 the exact same thing that happened to me when I 0:12:38.236 --> 0:12:41.436 was eight years old. And because I felt like I 0:12:41.476 --> 0:12:44.476 couldn't control everything that was happening, I just ran away 0:12:44.476 --> 0:12:46.916 from it. I got drunk, I yelled at my husband. 0:12:47.236 --> 0:12:49.796 I became a person. I didn't recognize the kids were 0:12:49.796 --> 0:12:54.436 missing the bus. I couldn't or I didn't think I 0:12:54.476 --> 0:12:59.756 could control the demise that was looming. But I could 0:13:00.076 --> 0:13:05.516 control avoiding it. I could hit the snooze button six times. 0:13:06.076 --> 0:13:11.596 I could numb myself at night, I could avoid the bills. 0:13:11.596 --> 0:13:16.716 Because avoidance is a major form of control, anger is 0:13:16.756 --> 0:13:21.316 a major form of controlled and so my control was 0:13:21.356 --> 0:13:25.116 still there, it was just being aimed at the wrong things. 0:13:25.316 --> 0:13:28.236 Yeah, so that leads us to the need for let 0:13:28.276 --> 0:13:31.036 them bring me back to the moment when you were 0:13:31.076 --> 0:13:34.036 first exposed to it. Obviously, it's rooted in ancient wisdom. 0:13:34.076 --> 0:13:36.716 But you know, I hear wise things all the time, 0:13:36.796 --> 0:13:38.236 and they kind of can just go in one year 0:13:38.276 --> 0:13:40.196 and out the other, Like I want to know what 0:13:40.316 --> 0:13:43.076 made it stick for you in that moment in your life. 0:13:43.756 --> 0:13:47.596 I've been trying to be less controlling my whole life. 0:13:47.676 --> 0:13:51.316 I've tried to be stoic. I have tried to be 0:13:51.356 --> 0:13:56.196 more Buddhist. I have tried to manage my response. And 0:13:56.196 --> 0:14:00.196 it's one thing when you're sharing ideas. It's a whole 0:14:00.236 --> 0:14:05.036 other thing when the teacher shows up and the student 0:14:05.156 --> 0:14:10.276 is ready. It's the difference between concept and the moment 0:14:11.316 --> 0:14:16.836 when that concept hits you like a freaking sledgeing, exactly. 0:14:17.276 --> 0:14:19.836 And so I was at the high school prom with 0:14:19.876 --> 0:14:25.076 my son. I was being a super micromanagy mom, really annoying. 0:14:25.156 --> 0:14:27.236 If you've ever been in a situation where you're all 0:14:27.276 --> 0:14:29.116 stressed and the words are coming out of your mouth 0:14:29.116 --> 0:14:30.716 and you wish you could shove them back in, that 0:14:30.836 --> 0:14:31.076 was me. 0:14:31.676 --> 0:14:32.316 So I was just. 0:14:32.316 --> 0:14:34.356 Micromanaging him, you know, you got a tux and let 0:14:34.396 --> 0:14:36.796 me tee the thing, and shoving the flowers at him 0:14:36.876 --> 0:14:39.276 even though his date doesn't want a corsage. And now 0:14:39.276 --> 0:14:41.116 it's starting to rain, and I'm like, you can't get 0:14:41.116 --> 0:14:43.116 your shoes wet, and her hair is going to get ruined, 0:14:43.156 --> 0:14:45.316 and you can't go to the taco stand before dinner 0:14:45.356 --> 0:14:47.316 because then your tuxedo is going to be wet. And 0:14:47.356 --> 0:14:52.076 my daughter was home and she reaches out and grabs 0:14:52.116 --> 0:14:56.036 my bicep and she's like, you're being annoying. If she 0:14:56.076 --> 0:14:58.596 doesn't want flowers, letter, if it's going to ruin his shoes, 0:14:58.676 --> 0:15:00.996 let them. If he wants to get soaking wet, let them. 0:15:00.996 --> 0:15:02.636 If she's going to ruin her hair, letter, And it 0:15:02.676 --> 0:15:04.476 was just like this, let them, let them, let them. 0:15:04.556 --> 0:15:07.596 It's their prom, not yours for crying out loud. Let 0:15:07.636 --> 0:15:11.356 them do what they want to do. And there was 0:15:11.436 --> 0:15:14.516 just something about the nails of my biceps and the 0:15:14.676 --> 0:15:17.796 cringe in her voice and the cascade of the let, 0:15:17.876 --> 0:15:21.516 let let that my shoulders has dropped, and I just 0:15:21.636 --> 0:15:24.796 kind of had this obvious epiphany where I'm just like, 0:15:25.796 --> 0:15:26.916 why am I worried about this? 0:15:28.636 --> 0:15:31.476 Seriously? Why why am I? Why am I concerned about this? 0:15:32.196 --> 0:15:36.676 And the second that I just stopped trying to control it, 0:15:36.756 --> 0:15:40.396 I felt peace, And then I could see that everybody 0:15:40.396 --> 0:15:46.436 around me felt peaceful, And so I just started to say, 0:15:46.556 --> 0:15:51.436 let them in any moment in my life where things 0:15:51.516 --> 0:15:54.676 just felt stressful, traffic, let them the person's root in 0:15:54.716 --> 0:15:56.556 front of me. You know, some days I've got the 0:15:56.676 --> 0:15:58.316 energy to step in and be like, hey, you know, 0:15:58.596 --> 0:15:59.596 they're they're they're doing the. 0:15:59.516 --> 0:16:00.036 Best they can. 0:16:00.196 --> 0:16:01.996 Some days they're just like, let them. I'm not going 0:16:02.076 --> 0:16:04.436 to be the you know, manners police today. I just 0:16:04.476 --> 0:16:06.276 don't have the energy for this. My mom's in a 0:16:06.316 --> 0:16:08.156 bad mood, let her be in a bad mood. My 0:16:08.236 --> 0:16:11.116 dad's disappointed, to be disappointed, let me show up with 0:16:11.116 --> 0:16:12.756 a little bit more compassion. And so I just started 0:16:12.756 --> 0:16:15.476 saying let them, let them, let them. And it was 0:16:15.636 --> 0:16:21.756 so profound. And the first insight that I had was 0:16:21.836 --> 0:16:28.716 I could not believe how much time I wasted on 0:16:29.036 --> 0:16:37.436 stupid things. I couldn't believe how stressed out I was 0:16:37.876 --> 0:16:43.116 due to dumb things. If you allow zoom calls and 0:16:43.276 --> 0:16:47.436 traffic and you know, somebody's mood or a curt email 0:16:47.596 --> 0:16:51.916 to constantly keep your amygdala humming and your body in 0:16:51.956 --> 0:16:54.716 a stressed out state, you're gonna go home and take 0:16:54.716 --> 0:16:56.836 it out in your family. And that's why you don't 0:16:56.836 --> 0:16:57.316 have time and. 0:16:57.356 --> 0:16:59.836 Energy because it's being sad. 0:16:59.556 --> 0:17:03.556 Because it's getting drained all day long. Yes, And so 0:17:03.596 --> 0:17:09.156 it became this like boundary with the world where I 0:17:09.196 --> 0:17:12.076 started to recognize, wait a minute, my time and energy 0:17:13.036 --> 0:17:17.196 has value, and I need to protect that time and 0:17:17.316 --> 0:17:21.836 energy because I want to use that time and energy 0:17:21.876 --> 0:17:24.316 to either better my life or to better the world 0:17:24.356 --> 0:17:28.036 around me. And if I'm constantly allowing all this stuff 0:17:28.036 --> 0:17:31.236 to drain me, I'm never going to have the energy 0:17:31.636 --> 0:17:34.396 to do anything about what's wrong in the world or 0:17:34.836 --> 0:17:38.596 what as bothering me in my relationships or with my health. 0:17:42.836 --> 0:17:44.996 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:17:45.036 --> 0:17:56.916 of plans. On the night of her son's prom, Mel 0:17:57.036 --> 0:18:01.236 Robbins was trying to micromanage everything, like where her son 0:18:01.316 --> 0:18:03.916 and his friend should go for dinner or whether his 0:18:04.036 --> 0:18:08.356 date should wear a corsage. Then Mel's daughter said two 0:18:08.396 --> 0:18:12.436 simple words, it's let them, And for whatever reason, it 0:18:12.556 --> 0:18:16.036 was exactly what Mel needed to hear. She's held onto 0:18:16.076 --> 0:18:19.316 those words ever since and has written an entire book 0:18:19.316 --> 0:18:22.036 about it. I asked her to break it down in 0:18:22.116 --> 0:18:22.716 more detail. 0:18:22.756 --> 0:18:25.396 For me, the let them theory is simple. 0:18:26.796 --> 0:18:29.476 The more you let other people live their lives the 0:18:29.476 --> 0:18:34.076 better your life gets, and the more you learn how 0:18:34.076 --> 0:18:36.156 to let people be who they are and who they're not, 0:18:37.636 --> 0:18:41.996 the better your relationships get. And the theory itself is 0:18:42.036 --> 0:18:44.956 about power and control, and the way that it works 0:18:44.996 --> 0:18:49.796 is simple. There are two steps, and the first step 0:18:49.836 --> 0:18:53.436 gets all of the fame, but it's the second step 0:18:53.476 --> 0:18:56.596 that's actually where your power is. The first part is 0:18:56.836 --> 0:18:59.476 let them. So when you're stressed out, when you're annoyed, 0:18:59.516 --> 0:19:03.556 when you're hurt, when you're frustrated, when you're confused, when 0:19:03.636 --> 0:19:09.116 you're just like feeling like somebody's disrespecting you or hurting you. 0:19:09.156 --> 0:19:11.476 As weird as it sounds, you're going to quietly say 0:19:11.556 --> 0:19:14.996 to yourself, let them. And I want to be very 0:19:14.996 --> 0:19:18.276 clear about something. This is not a theory that says 0:19:18.356 --> 0:19:21.756 you should let people hurt you. This is a theory 0:19:21.916 --> 0:19:25.356 about where your control is and where your power is. 0:19:26.116 --> 0:19:27.756 And the mistake that we make when we're in a 0:19:27.796 --> 0:19:32.756 situation where there is disrespect or there is some kind 0:19:32.756 --> 0:19:38.716 of hurtful behavior is we believe that that other person 0:19:38.796 --> 0:19:44.556 is going to change. We get gas lit into thinking 0:19:45.436 --> 0:19:50.396 that the power is in changing the other person. Let 0:19:50.436 --> 0:19:54.636 them is simply a tool that reminds you that hoping 0:19:54.676 --> 0:19:58.196 that they're going to change, or pouring time and energy 0:19:58.276 --> 0:20:02.436 into trying to make someone else change isn't where your 0:20:02.516 --> 0:20:06.596 power is. Let them is kind of you saying, Okay, 0:20:06.716 --> 0:20:09.076 this is who this person is. Their behavior is the truth. 0:20:09.276 --> 0:20:12.876 Let me is the second part. Let me is where 0:20:12.916 --> 0:20:15.236 you say to yourself, I can't control this other person. 0:20:16.716 --> 0:20:18.756 Let me decide what I'm going to think about this, 0:20:19.036 --> 0:20:22.036 Let me decide what I'm going to do or don't 0:20:22.276 --> 0:20:26.356 do about this, and let me decide how I'm going 0:20:26.396 --> 0:20:28.476 to process my own feelings about this. 0:20:29.276 --> 0:20:31.436 And so in normal day to. 0:20:31.476 --> 0:20:35.516 Day's circumstances, the way that this works is if somebody's disappointed, 0:20:35.756 --> 0:20:36.836 let them be disappointed. 0:20:37.276 --> 0:20:38.156 You can't make it. 0:20:38.076 --> 0:20:40.476 To the thirty second birthday party where you're going to 0:20:40.556 --> 0:20:43.196 meet at a Mexican restaurant and split a check with 0:20:43.236 --> 0:20:45.516 fourteen people and not even talk to your friend that's 0:20:45.556 --> 0:20:48.196 holding the birthday, and you've had a long day at 0:20:48.196 --> 0:20:50.756 work and you just would rather go to a yoga. 0:20:50.556 --> 0:20:53.916 Out of my brain, mel how do you know my life? Like? 0:20:53.996 --> 0:20:56.876 Literally, let them be disappointed, because here's what I want. 0:20:56.756 --> 0:20:58.876 You to a meditarian and I don't drink alcohol so 0:20:58.876 --> 0:21:00.716 I always get ripped off when you do the fourteen 0:21:00.716 --> 0:21:01.796 persons split. 0:21:01.836 --> 0:21:03.876 Yes, because they're splitting the check and you didn't have 0:21:03.916 --> 0:21:05.716 anything to drink, and it's loud as hell and you 0:21:05.716 --> 0:21:07.276 don't want to be there, and it takes too long. 0:21:07.596 --> 0:21:10.556 And so here's the thing. Let your friend be disappointed. 0:21:10.756 --> 0:21:12.556 Tell them that you're not going to come tonight. It's 0:21:12.596 --> 0:21:15.956 been a busy week at work. Let them be disappointed, acknowledgment, 0:21:16.036 --> 0:21:20.956 and then let me remind myself that I need to 0:21:21.076 --> 0:21:23.716 take care of myself. And let me ask my friend 0:21:24.276 --> 0:21:26.036 if they'd be willing to go to a yoga class 0:21:26.076 --> 0:21:28.516 this weekend and go get some tea, because I'd actually 0:21:28.516 --> 0:21:29.436 like to catch up with you. 0:21:29.396 --> 0:21:30.716 One on one. 0:21:30.916 --> 0:21:33.236 And that's how you handle that situation and kind of 0:21:33.276 --> 0:21:37.116 a day to day thing. In a more serious situation, 0:21:37.516 --> 0:21:41.956 if you're dealing with somebody emotionally immature or that has 0:21:41.996 --> 0:21:46.076 a very very challenging personality style, which I have in 0:21:46.116 --> 0:21:49.716 my life, a person like this. The thing that I 0:21:49.756 --> 0:21:52.076 can see now that I've been practicing let them and 0:21:52.156 --> 0:21:54.276 let me, which is really about boundaries, what's mine to 0:21:54.316 --> 0:21:59.076 own and what's yours? Down is I, for years just 0:21:59.156 --> 0:22:03.276 expected this person to change. I wish they would. I 0:22:03.316 --> 0:22:05.516 wish the dynamic would have been different, and so I 0:22:05.516 --> 0:22:11.556 would go into every experienced And one of the things 0:22:11.596 --> 0:22:14.676 that let them did is let them force me to 0:22:14.796 --> 0:22:20.036 practice radical acceptance. Let them forced me to see the 0:22:20.116 --> 0:22:24.276 situation and the person that I'm dealing with as they are, 0:22:25.276 --> 0:22:29.476 instead of constantly explaining away behavior that I've been explaining 0:22:29.476 --> 0:22:32.836 away for a very long time and somehow turning it 0:22:32.876 --> 0:22:36.476 back as it's my fault. And then the let me 0:22:36.716 --> 0:22:42.116 part helps me start to understand that if I'm going 0:22:42.196 --> 0:22:45.196 to let this person be who they are, then let 0:22:45.316 --> 0:22:48.276 me decide how much time and energy I'm going to 0:22:48.436 --> 0:22:52.236 put with this person. Let me protect myself when I'm 0:22:52.276 --> 0:22:55.156 around this person. Let me remind myself I can leave 0:22:55.156 --> 0:22:57.796 a conversation or a dinner table, or a text chain, 0:22:57.956 --> 0:23:00.836 or a date or an interview or like a family 0:23:00.916 --> 0:23:04.876 thing anytime I want. And it starts to slowly remind 0:23:04.956 --> 0:23:07.916 you in these dynamics that we get stuck with with 0:23:08.036 --> 0:23:11.236 other people that there are little things you can do 0:23:11.396 --> 0:23:15.636 when you first learn to separate yourself from managing the 0:23:15.716 --> 0:23:20.516 other person and focus more on protecting yourself in the situation. 0:23:21.916 --> 0:23:24.116 When it comes to accountability, which is something that you 0:23:24.236 --> 0:23:28.316 raised when I reflect on my personal life. Granted, this 0:23:28.396 --> 0:23:31.276 is also growing up in an Indian immigrant family where 0:23:31.316 --> 0:23:36.716 my parents had no filters around giving me feedback. Some 0:23:36.756 --> 0:23:40.156 of my greatest moments of growth stemmed from the people 0:23:40.196 --> 0:23:43.316 in my life not just letting me be a certain way. 0:23:43.396 --> 0:23:46.236 They didn't use let them. Instead, they were very forthcoming 0:23:46.276 --> 0:23:49.436 with me about my weaknesses or their needs or maybe 0:23:49.556 --> 0:23:52.516 how I'd even let them down. And so in their 0:23:52.676 --> 0:23:57.236 articulating those feelings to me, I in turn was challenged 0:23:57.276 --> 0:23:59.916 in some way. I was able to think differently. I 0:23:59.956 --> 0:24:02.676 was able to do things differently. And so, how can 0:24:02.756 --> 0:24:05.476