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Speaker 1: Now here's a highlight from Coast to Coast AM on iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 2: Welcome Back George and no are you with doctor John

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Speaker 2: Gray Meta from Mars. Women Are from Venus for women only,

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Speaker 2: the brand new book John. Where do people get the book?

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Speaker 3: Well, right now, they can get it Amazon. I self

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Speaker 3: published this book, so it's not yet in bookstores, but

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Speaker 3: hopefully as it goes up the list there. It started

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Speaker 3: out as a number one, so hopefully we keep it

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Speaker 3: going up, the bookstores will catch on and they'll start

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Speaker 3: ordering it. But it's available there.

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Speaker 2: You talk a lot about stress. How much of a

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Speaker 2: factor is that in a relationship.

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Speaker 3: Well, first of all, there's two kinds of stress. There's

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Speaker 3: the outer world. We say, oh, today was so stressful.

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Speaker 3: There was traffic, this person didn't do what they said

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Speaker 3: they're going to do. When I'm talking about stress, I'm

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Speaker 3: talking about how we react to stress because we can't

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Speaker 3: always change the outer world, but we can learn how

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Speaker 3: to change our inner world, which is the basis of

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Speaker 3: all personal growth. And I have a unique approach to that,

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Speaker 3: recognizing how our relationships can be very very helpful to

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Speaker 3: lower the stress level or the adrenaline and the cortisol

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Speaker 3: levels in our body because when cortisol is being produced

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Speaker 3: in the brain, always for a man it's low testosterone

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Speaker 3: and high estrogen, and always for a woman it's low

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Speaker 3: estrogen and high testosterone. In simple terms, he is no

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Speaker 3: longer anchored in his male side, he's going to his

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Speaker 3: female side. And when she's stressed, she's no longer anchored

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Speaker 3: in her female side, she's more on her male side.

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Speaker 3: So this is called role reversal, and it's become so

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Speaker 3: common today. And as soon as the hormones go out

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Speaker 3: of balance like that, the brain when it starts producing cortisol,

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Speaker 3: and when cortisol's produced, whatever problems you're facing, your brain

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Speaker 3: interprets it as a huge problem, as if a tiger

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Speaker 3: is chasing you. It doesn't know the difference. It's not

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Speaker 3: like you know, cortisol gets released. The brain thinks you're

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Speaker 3: in big danger, even when you're not. You're just stuck

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Speaker 3: in traffic, you know, or your husbands ignore you one day.

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Speaker 3: So that's how stress affects us. So what it does

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Speaker 3: and what I've done in the new book, every page

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Speaker 3: will have references to scientific studies, not that you need

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Speaker 3: to read them, but a lot of people like to

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Speaker 3: know there's some real science behind this, and actually in

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Speaker 3: finding those studies it enrich my knowledge of the brains. Certainly,

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Speaker 3: what happens even under moderate stress women do this. They

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Speaker 3: have three times more blood flow going to the emotional

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Speaker 3: part of the brain compared to a man. A man

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Speaker 3: actually under moderate stress becomes less emotional. A woman becomes

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Speaker 3: more emotional. And yet it's a small problem. It's moderate stress.

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Speaker 3: So men become more emotional when it's a big problem,

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Speaker 3: no emotion when it's a little problem. Women have big

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Speaker 3: emotions for little problems, and when the problems get big,

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Speaker 3: women shut down and have no emotion. So we misinterpret

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Speaker 3: each other. And if you don't have this scientific understanding,

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Speaker 3: you'll always think. Women will think, oh, he doesn't care

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Speaker 3: about me because he's cut off his feelings, and men

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Speaker 3: will think she's complaining all about me because she sees

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Speaker 3: all these problemsroblems, and all he has to do is

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Speaker 3: recognize that let her talk a little bit more. But

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Speaker 3: part of what the strategy here, and women can interpret

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Speaker 3: the it. When a man detaches, as I talked about,

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Speaker 3: it's not a big deal. He'll come back if you

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Speaker 3: give him the space to come back. But if she's

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Speaker 3: thinking in her mind. Oh, he hasn't talked about his feelings,

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Speaker 3: so he is holding on to something against me. Now

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Speaker 3: you're pushing him away, and men are very sensitive being

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Speaker 3: pushed away. That becomes a source of stress adrenaline. He

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Speaker 3: feels blamed and he'll shut down. There's all kinds of

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Speaker 3: new science in this book. There's another thing that you

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Speaker 3: be fascinated with, which is mirror neurons. Now many people

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Speaker 3: have heard of this, but nobody's heard of it in

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Speaker 3: terms of how men and women's brains mirror neurons systems

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Speaker 3: are completely the opposite. So what happens for a man

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Speaker 3: is whenever you complain to a man, he feels in

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Speaker 3: the slightest bit blamed. What he's going to do is

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Speaker 3: is mirror neurons will shut off. When a woman feels

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Speaker 3: blamed or in any situation, and her mirror neurons stay open. Now,

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Speaker 3: what does it mean to have mirror neurons open? Are closed?

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Speaker 3: When your mirror neurons are open, this is the brain.

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Speaker 3: They can see the brain activity. You're able to feel

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Speaker 3: what other people feel. So if you're happy, I feel

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Speaker 3: happy for you. If you're sad, I feel sad for you.

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Speaker 3: If you're afraid, I feel compassion for you. So that

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Speaker 3: ability to feel what somebody else feels, and men only

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Speaker 3: opens up when they're not feeling blamed. So women often

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Speaker 3: complain he doesn't hear me, and he does. Again, that's

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Speaker 3: another one of those words. It means nothing to men

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Speaker 3: the way a woman intends it. She says, you're not

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Speaker 3: hearing me. It's because she doesn't feel his connection, because

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Speaker 3: connection is what raises estrogen. But for him, he is

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Speaker 3: mirrorons have closed down. He's not against her. He's now

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Speaker 3: just thinking about what she said, as opposed to feeling

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Speaker 3: what she's feeling. And this connection is what helps women

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Speaker 3: to lower stress. So like one of the tools this

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Speaker 3: book is filled with these wonderful tools is called a

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Speaker 3: venus talk, where you say to him, I just want

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Speaker 3: to talk for ten minutes. I don't need you to

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Speaker 3: solve anything. I'm not going to complain about you. You're

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Speaker 3: not in trouble. All you need to do is listen

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Speaker 3: to be talked for ten minutes. And when she talks

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Speaker 3: for ten minutes. The book teaches us how to communicate

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Speaker 3: the way which reveals emotions, because whenever you have emotions,

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Speaker 3: your estrogen goes higher, your stress goes down. So when

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Speaker 3: she can share about her day for ten minutes, what

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Speaker 3: will happen is a man will give us one hundred

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Speaker 3: percent attention, which most women have never felt before, because

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Speaker 3: usually whenever a woman is complaining about him or about

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Speaker 3: her life or what's going on in her life, his

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Speaker 3: brain immediately goes into processing what solutions should I give

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Speaker 3: to her, and his mirror neurons shut down. And ironically,

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Speaker 3: this is another key factor in my book, because I

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Speaker 3: want to keep Many couples want to feel that attraction,

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Speaker 3: They want to feel that physical intimacy for a lifetime. Well,

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Speaker 3: it turns out that the only time a man's mirror

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Speaker 3: neurons can fully open is when he's making love with

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Speaker 3: his wife. So at that time where she's feeling so

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Speaker 3: safe and so supportive and so appreciative of him, his

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Speaker 3: mirror neurons open. And that's how men in love the most.

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Speaker 3: That's why sex has always been so important to men,

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Speaker 3: because it's a time where men can fully feel. It's

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Speaker 3: a time when their mirror neurons can open, and if

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Speaker 3: their partner is loving them, then that love can go

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Speaker 3: in the deepest and he's recharged, he's rejuvenated. It's like

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Speaker 3: the most wonderful experience when they learn how to make

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Speaker 3: it in such a way that both people are getting

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Speaker 3: what they need.

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Speaker 2: John, how much of this is based on how you

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Speaker 2: brought up as a kid.

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Speaker 3: Well, everything is based on how we've experienced as a kid,

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Speaker 3: there's no doubt. And ironically, even if there's seven kids

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Speaker 3: and a family, every child has a different relationship with

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Speaker 3: a parent. You know, when my older brothers were growing up,

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Speaker 3: my parents were rich, and when I was growing up,

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Speaker 3: my parents were not rich, so I had a whole

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Speaker 3: different relationship with life and my parents and so forth.

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Speaker 3: But we all have various ways of of conditioning and programming.

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Speaker 3: Particularly in the first seven years of our life. Our

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Speaker 3: brain is in Theta frequency, which is hypnosis. So we're

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Speaker 3: literally being hypnotized by being conditioned fully by what our

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Speaker 3: parents are feeling for each other and for us and

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Speaker 3: for others, and that has a big impact on us

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Speaker 3: throughout our lives, without a doubt, if we feel you know,

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Speaker 3: one of the things I talk about is what's happening today,

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Speaker 3: A lot is because of so much divorce and eighty

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Speaker 3: percent of the time after divorce the mother. In statistics,

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Speaker 3: the mother is bad mouthing the father. That's the statistics. Okay,

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Speaker 3: there could be women listening her exceptions, but that's pretty

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Speaker 3: much consistent in research. And what that does to the

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Speaker 3: little boy is she doesn't realize that anytime she's critical

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Speaker 3: of that boy's father, she's critics criticizing the masculine side

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Speaker 3: of that little boy. That father lives within the little boy,

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Speaker 3: and so that part of him becomes weak. It doesn't

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Speaker 3: feel loved, appreciated, trusted, accepted, and the mother doesn't know

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Speaker 3: she's doing that just by rejecting the father. She could

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Speaker 3: be very loving to the little boy, but that just

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Speaker 3: causes him to bond more with the mother and he

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Speaker 3: becomes more feminized. So this is what's going on very

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Speaker 3: commonly today, is the biological expression of the feminized male

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Speaker 3: is the dramatic drop in testosterone levels. The average twenty

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Speaker 3: year old man should have peak testosterone at that time

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Speaker 3: has twenty percent less testosterone than just twenty years ago.

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Speaker 3: And then if you go back, you know, fifty years ago,

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Speaker 3: seventy years ago, he has half the testosterone levels of

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Speaker 3: our fathers. So you know, the world has changed a lot.

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Speaker 3: And a big part of all of that is divorce.

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Speaker 3: A big part of that is as women have changed

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Speaker 3: their own personal roles where they have moved into the

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Speaker 3: independent world, their stress levels go up. Now the solution

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Speaker 3: what do we do about that. I'm not saying turn

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Speaker 3: back the clock, although that's always an option for some people.

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Speaker 3: I wish them well, but to be more trad wife,

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Speaker 3: so to speak, be there for your children when you can.

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Speaker 3: But economically, most couples, even that they want to do

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Speaker 3: that today, can't do it. And fortunately I have a solution,

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Speaker 3: which is when women are producing testosterone all day, if

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Speaker 3: they anticipate coming home to a personal life that nurtures

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Speaker 3: her estrogen levels, that's her feminine sign. Then what occurs

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Speaker 3: is while she's in the work world, because she anticipates

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Speaker 3: coming home at the end of the day to this

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Speaker 3: kind of loving support that raises her estrogen, her stress

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Speaker 3: levels go down even at the workplace. So she's basically

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Speaker 3: experienced a balance of testosterone estrogen throughout her day because

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Speaker 3: she can anticipate it at home. It's the same kind

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Speaker 3: of thing like planning a weekend date. I always tell

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Speaker 3: couples to have a plan a date a week in advance,

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Speaker 3: because as the woman anticipates at least one day a

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Speaker 3: week where she's like the queen, he's taking care of

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Speaker 3: her on a romantic date and give lots of attention

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Speaker 3: and affection and doing things that he knows she would like.

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Speaker 3: Because she anticipates that, she'll be thinking about what am

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Speaker 3: I gonna wear, she'll open her schedules, she'll look forward

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Speaker 3: to that, and men instinctively don't understand that because you

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Speaker 3: know we're looking forward to just resting after a week

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Speaker 3: of work. You'll be a break. I just want to rest,

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Speaker 3: you know, whereas women they want to feel this romantic

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Speaker 3: reassurance that you still care about them. There's so many

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Speaker 3: extra tools, but the Venus talk is one which teaches

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Speaker 3: women how to talk about her day to her husband

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Speaker 3: in a way that he'll listen. And one of the

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Speaker 3: ways to do that, I give many examples, but is

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Speaker 3: to say, you don't need to say anything. I just

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Speaker 3: need to talk about my feelings about today, and you

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Speaker 3: don't have to solve anything. I can solve everything myself.

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Speaker 3: I just need to share this. I'll feel closer to

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Speaker 3: you and that will make me feel better and it

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Speaker 3: will only take ten minutes. Now, why do I say

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Speaker 3: ten minutes? Because one of the things for men is

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Speaker 3: when women start talking, we don't know what our our

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Speaker 3: role is, what we're supposed to do, what the point is,

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Speaker 3: how long this is going to take. And for men

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Speaker 3: to produce testosterone, you have to have a beginning and

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Speaker 3: an end. You have to have a goal. You have

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Speaker 3: to know what you're supposed to do, and you have

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Speaker 3: to know what is going to be done. And so

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Speaker 3: if you put a time limit on, suddenly men have

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Speaker 3: plenty of energy. Otherwise they just sort of start to sink,

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Speaker 3: you know, and oh, where am I going with this?

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Speaker 3: What am I supposed to do with this? And or

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Speaker 3: he'll just interrupt with solutions and then she feels you're

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Speaker 3: not She'll say you don't understand, and he says, I understand. Clearly,

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Speaker 3: I can say what you just said. But again what

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Speaker 3: she means is you don't understand right now, I just

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Speaker 3: need to talk about this. I don't need to solve anything.

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Speaker 3: I just want you to feel connected to you, says

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Speaker 3: a lot of misinterpretation, misunderstanding that goes on. And what's

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Speaker 3: so wonderful is now we have this science that helps

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Speaker 3: explain all of this to make sense of it better.

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Speaker 2: What would you say, John, is the greatest takeaway from

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Speaker 2: reading your book.

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Speaker 3: I think the greatest takeaway is how different men and

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Speaker 3: women really are and how beneficial it is to understand

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Speaker 3: those differences. Because you know, a lot of people go, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I know that men and women are different. No, they

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Speaker 3: don't really understand the depth of how different we really

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Speaker 3: are and how important it is to maintain those differences

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Speaker 3: and to sustain attraction and for both people to feel

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Speaker 3: loved and supported and energized. You know, there's a you know,

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Speaker 3: as one example. You know, because I live this and

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Speaker 3: I teach this, we see for all men. We call

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Speaker 3: it a norm that as men get older, their testosterone

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Speaker 3: levels will go down. Well, because I apply these ideas,

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Speaker 3: I get my testosterone tested and it's fifty percent higher

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Speaker 3: than when I was a young man. I'm seventy four

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Speaker 3: years old, and it's everything still like a young guy.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I'm an older guy now for sure, but

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Speaker 3: my testosterol levels are at this very healthy level. And

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Speaker 3: one of the symptoms of that high testosterone is being cool,

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Speaker 3: calm and collected, not being disturbed by things, not getting irritated,

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Speaker 3: and annoyed and also maintaining a healthy libido. These are

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Speaker 3: things that men over around fifty years old start to lose,

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Speaker 3: you know, they don't grow in their confidence as a

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Speaker 3: man and the support that they feel from their spouse

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Speaker 3: and so forth. There's even a hormone that I talk

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Speaker 3: about in the book that I didn't know about until

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Speaker 3: I started researching this. It's called prolactin, and it's a

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Speaker 3: hormone that when you're in a committed relationship as opposed

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Speaker 3: to being single or just dating women. If you're in

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Speaker 3: a committed relationship, over time your body makes prolactin.

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Speaker 2: And proacto men and women.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, for both men and women. If you were, if

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Speaker 3: you were, It happens when you make love, if you

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Speaker 3: had sex with somebody that you didn't have a committed relationship,

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Speaker 3: you just make a little of it and it goes away.

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Speaker 3: Is this prolactin keeps men from wanting to stray, It

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Speaker 3: keeps women committed to a man. It holds us together

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Speaker 3: a glue, and it has a positive and negative side

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Speaker 3: to it. It dramatically creates more intimacy, It lowers our stress.

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Speaker 3: It allows to feel comfortable and at ease with our partners.

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Speaker 3: But the downside of it is that we lose our

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Speaker 3: libido unless you have polarity. So if a man is

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Speaker 3: not more on the masculine side and a woman's not

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Speaker 3: more on the female sign, they will stop feeling attracted

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Speaker 3: to each other. It's mother natures are God's gifts to

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Speaker 3: keep men from straying to stay with a woman while

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Speaker 3: you have children, and also her to stay with that man.

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Speaker 3: So that's the harmone prolactin which makes us feel more comfortable,

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Speaker 3: more at ease with our partners. But the danger of

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Speaker 3: that is that then you don't feel the attraction. But

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Speaker 3: what can maintain the attraction, as I mentioned, is the polarity.

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Speaker 3: That he's making more testosterone than her on a biological level,

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Speaker 3: and on biological level she's making a lot more estrogen

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Speaker 3: than him. That will always create this attraction and enhance

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Speaker 3: the romantic side of the relationship.

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Speaker 2: There's really a deep science behind all this, isn't there.

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Speaker 3: It's amazing to me. I mean every page I have

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Speaker 3: references to different studies and so forth, But I think

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Speaker 3: the most important of the science, although there's so many

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Speaker 3: things more in the book, is this one basic idea

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Speaker 3: that stress causes us to think in a negative way

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Speaker 3: and closes us to and closes our hearts to feel

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Speaker 3: our love. And that when men have a closed heart,

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Speaker 3: it's their testosterone is low, their estrogen is high. And

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Speaker 3: when a woman's heart closes, her estrogen is low, her

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Speaker 3: testosterone is high. So with that little little outline there,

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Speaker 3: a little like a plumbing chart, I know as a man,

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Speaker 3: my goal to make my wife happy is to do

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Speaker 3: things that will help her increase her estrogen and for

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Speaker 3: hers to communicate to me in ways that will raise

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Speaker 3: my testosterone. And that's what I figured out for this book.

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Speaker 2: John, we're going to take a short break. Do you

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Speaker 2: get emails through your website?

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Speaker 3: Yes, people can ask questions at my website. Just go

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Speaker 3: to Marsthenis dot com. Contact in the name of the book.

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Speaker 2: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus for women only.

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Speaker 2: But it's really not just for women, is it.

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Speaker 3: No, it's not really for women. Part of my focus here.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes women feel that if my husband doesn't read this book,

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Speaker 3: it won't work, and not all men will read the book.

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Speaker 3: So I said, okay, I write a book just for

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Speaker 3: women because my experience is that women come to me

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Speaker 3: for counseling all the time. The man doesn't come, but

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Speaker 3: the relationship you if it gets better. But oh my gosh,

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Speaker 3: I learned so much more about being a better husband,

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Speaker 3: understanding my wife.

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