WEBVTT - Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice 0:00:15.476 --> 0:00:28.116 Pushkin. Hey, Happiness Lab listeners, welcome back to our Happiness 0:00:28.116 --> 0:00:30.836 Hot Take series, a whole season in which I call 0:00:30.876 --> 0:00:33.516 out the bad happiness advice that I hear so often 0:00:33.556 --> 0:00:37.076 on the internet. In today's Happiness hot Take, we're going 0:00:37.116 --> 0:00:40.836 back to the Happiness Lab archives to tackle happiness misconception 0:00:40.916 --> 0:00:44.556 that's so common it's even got its own hashtag hashtag 0:00:44.716 --> 0:00:47.516 no regrets, the idea that we should stand by the 0:00:47.556 --> 0:00:50.476 bad decisions we make with confidence, that we should ignore 0:00:50.516 --> 0:00:53.556 all those pangs of remorse that don't feel so hot. Well, 0:00:53.636 --> 0:00:56.516 today's throwback happiness hot take is that no regrets is 0:00:56.556 --> 0:00:59.036 no way to live. And you'll see why in this 0:00:59.236 --> 0:01:01.916 in case you missed it episode, I hope you enjoy it. 0:01:10.436 --> 0:01:13.556 I'm going through a breakup right now, and so that's 0:01:14.636 --> 0:01:18.236 there's a regret in choosing to be together, and there's 0:01:18.316 --> 0:01:20.196 regret and also choosing to be a part. 0:01:20.556 --> 0:01:22.476 We all replayed dumb things we did in the past. 0:01:22.796 --> 0:01:24.596 I think a lot of my regrets comes from like 0:01:24.636 --> 0:01:27.356 school work. Every school year comes around and I'm like, 0:01:27.396 --> 0:01:29.956 this year, I'm gonna do better, and then like I don't. 0:01:30.156 --> 0:01:31.956 Or fret about the things we didn't do. 0:01:32.276 --> 0:01:33.996 I was afraid to come out for a long time. 0:01:33.996 --> 0:01:37.316 To my parents, it was that fear of rejection, regardless 0:01:37.356 --> 0:01:40.316 of whether they would have really rejected me. I was 0:01:40.476 --> 0:01:43.996 like hiding myself for two other people. And that is 0:01:44.036 --> 0:01:45.356 something that I regret a lot. 0:01:45.716 --> 0:01:48.036 From time to time. Regret sets up shop in all 0:01:48.036 --> 0:01:50.916 our heads. It makes us wonder about what we could have, 0:01:51.076 --> 0:01:53.716 should have, or would have done differently. I'd done a 0:01:53.756 --> 0:01:56.116 lot of mistakes, like I spent a lot of money, 0:01:56.236 --> 0:01:58.716 I paid for a lot of people. I got used 0:01:58.716 --> 0:02:01.076 by a lot of people, and I did not know 0:02:01.196 --> 0:02:04.436 my worth. Our feelings of regret mostly kind of suck. 0:02:05.036 --> 0:02:07.476 We can experience it as a mild pag a sort 0:02:07.516 --> 0:02:11.196 of throbbing emotional toothache, but sometimes the anguish of regret 0:02:11.236 --> 0:02:14.356 reduces us to tears or saddles us with grief that 0:02:14.476 --> 0:02:15.436 lasts a lifetime. 0:02:16.076 --> 0:02:19.556 I was in a relationship and it was very toxic. 0:02:19.756 --> 0:02:22.756 I should have put my foot down way earlier, because 0:02:22.796 --> 0:02:24.756 now it kind of affects me to this date, and 0:02:24.836 --> 0:02:26.756 it's just like then, I could have prevented all of 0:02:27.076 --> 0:02:30.196 these feelings from happening if I just would have left 0:02:30.236 --> 0:02:30.916 it in the beginning. 0:02:31.276 --> 0:02:33.716 And so it's natural to fantasize about a life without 0:02:33.716 --> 0:02:36.596 this painful emotion, to strive to be without the burn 0:02:36.676 --> 0:02:39.636 that comes from looking back. I mean, who needs regrets? 0:02:40.116 --> 0:02:41.676 Hashtag no regrets. 0:02:42.116 --> 0:02:44.556 I do not believe in regrets or have any regrets 0:02:44.556 --> 0:02:45.516 in my life. 0:02:45.796 --> 0:02:46.716 My mistakes are me. 0:02:48.956 --> 0:02:52.396 But is the whole no regrets thing really right? I mean, 0:02:52.516 --> 0:02:55.276 could it be possible that embracing regret is the key 0:02:55.356 --> 0:03:00.116 to living a better, more authentic, and even a happier life. 0:03:00.596 --> 0:03:02.556 Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to 0:03:02.596 --> 0:03:05.196 be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What 0:03:05.236 --> 0:03:07.636 if our minds are lying to us, leading us away 0:03:07.716 --> 0:03:10.356 from what will really make us happy. The good news 0:03:10.436 --> 0:03:12.596 is that understanding the science of the mind can point 0:03:12.676 --> 0:03:15.476 us all back in the right direction. You're listening to 0:03:15.476 --> 0:03:22.876 the Happiness Lab with me, doctor Laurie Santis. 0:03:24.196 --> 0:03:28.036 Hey, I'm Malcolm Glabo. Here's my regret. When I graduated 0:03:28.076 --> 0:03:30.196 from college, I had this idea that I would spend 0:03:30.236 --> 0:03:32.756 a year in Jamaica getting a graduate degree at the 0:03:32.836 --> 0:03:35.836 University of West Indies. My instinct was that my early 0:03:35.916 --> 0:03:39.516 twenties with a perfect moment to broaden my horizons, experience 0:03:39.556 --> 0:03:43.836 a new culture, and take a risk instead, I moved 0:03:43.876 --> 0:03:44.836 to Indiana. 0:03:45.196 --> 0:03:46.396 Oh Man, I blew it. 0:03:47.396 --> 0:03:49.956 Life is full of choices, forks in the road where 0:03:49.956 --> 0:03:52.796 we have to pick one path or the other. Sometimes 0:03:52.796 --> 0:03:56.076 we make those decisions under pressure, or with incomplete information, 0:03:56.396 --> 0:03:59.556 or at times when we're not our calmest, most rational selves. 0:04:00.036 --> 0:04:02.836 And sometimes once we begin to regret the path we've taken, 0:04:03.156 --> 0:04:06.036 it's too late to turn around. That's how it was 0:04:06.076 --> 0:04:08.916 for author and illustrator Liz Vosselyn is the child of 0:04:08.996 --> 0:04:11.316 you European immigrants. Liz spend a lot of her youth 0:04:11.356 --> 0:04:13.316 traveling back and forth to visit relatives. 0:04:13.756 --> 0:04:15.876 I just have a lot of happy childhood memories there, 0:04:15.876 --> 0:04:17.876 and it felt like a link to this bigger family 0:04:17.956 --> 0:04:19.996 that I don't feel that I have in the US. 0:04:20.196 --> 0:04:23.556 But with families, it's not always vacations and holiday get togethers. 0:04:23.876 --> 0:04:27.156 There are sometimes emergencies and bereavements. 0:04:27.476 --> 0:04:30.636 So my grandmother died when I was in my early twenties, 0:04:30.756 --> 0:04:34.076 and my mom, who rarely shows emotion or asks for much, 0:04:34.516 --> 0:04:36.996 asked me to go with her to pack up the house. 0:04:37.836 --> 0:04:40.916 Liz dropped everything right. I mean, she wasn't going to 0:04:41.036 --> 0:04:43.356 let down her mom at the very moment she needed 0:04:43.396 --> 0:04:45.276 her presence and support the most. 0:04:45.476 --> 0:04:47.316 And I said no. 0:04:48.236 --> 0:04:50.916 Liz had just landed a great new consulting job, a 0:04:50.956 --> 0:04:53.596 position she'd badly wanted and had worked hard to win. 0:04:54.116 --> 0:04:56.116 I was like, I have so much going on at work. 0:04:56.156 --> 0:04:59.036 I just can't take two weeks off for an international trip. 0:04:59.396 --> 0:05:01.636 It's just too much for me to take on right now. 0:05:02.316 --> 0:05:05.236 And so Liz's mom flew across the Atlantic to deal 0:05:05.276 --> 0:05:08.516 with the death of her mother all alone. Decades later, 0:05:08.876 --> 0:05:12.596 that decision still causes Liz tremendous anguish. 0:05:12.396 --> 0:05:14.876 Like even now, I'm like starting to get tears in 0:05:14.916 --> 0:05:17.636 my eyes because I think of my mom alone on 0:05:17.676 --> 0:05:20.676 this eight hour plane ride to go pack up, like 0:05:20.756 --> 0:05:24.156 her childhood and my childhood and our link to our family. 0:05:24.916 --> 0:05:27.796 Though painful regrets like these are a creative spur for Liz. 0:05:28.516 --> 0:05:30.996 Along with author Molly we Stuffy, she's part of a 0:05:31.076 --> 0:05:34.476 duo known online as Lizen Molly. They're responsible for a 0:05:34.476 --> 0:05:37.476 popular Instagram feed of illustrations that show how we can 0:05:37.516 --> 0:05:40.196 deal with all kinds of painful feelings, the types of 0:05:40.236 --> 0:05:42.476 things that we too often keep to ourselves. 0:05:42.876 --> 0:05:45.236 There's just so much, especially when we talk about big 0:05:45.276 --> 0:05:48.076 feelings that all of us are experiencing on a daily 0:05:48.156 --> 0:05:49.876 basis that we don't share with people. 0:05:50.316 --> 0:05:52.636 I'm a huge fan of Liz and Molly's work. I 0:05:52.676 --> 0:05:55.556 share There's simple yet powerful cartoons with my students all 0:05:55.556 --> 0:05:58.716 the time. They're not just poignant, clever and funny. They 0:05:58.756 --> 0:06:01.436 also include lots of science back tips for dealing with 0:06:01.476 --> 0:06:04.916 those big feelings. So you can imagine my excitement when 0:06:04.956 --> 0:06:06.756 I heard that the duo we're also putting out a 0:06:06.796 --> 0:06:09.916 new book. It's called Big Feelings, How to Be Okay 0:06:10.036 --> 0:06:12.596 When Things Are Not Okay. The book gives advice for 0:06:12.676 --> 0:06:16.676 navigating seven of our most painful negative emotions. The usual 0:06:16.756 --> 0:06:20.956 emotional culprits things like sadness, anger, and even burnout. But 0:06:21.236 --> 0:06:23.996 there's also one that doesn't get as much attention. You 0:06:24.076 --> 0:06:25.276 guessed it. Regret. 0:06:26.196 --> 0:06:29.076 Research shows that it's one of the most common emotions 0:06:29.076 --> 0:06:32.116 that people feel. I think it's after love or something 0:06:32.196 --> 0:06:32.516 like that. 0:06:32.996 --> 0:06:35.916 Some studies estimate that over ninety percent of people report 0:06:35.956 --> 0:06:39.156 having severe regret about some decision they've made in their lives. 0:06:39.516 --> 0:06:43.756 Over ninety percent of people. That's basically everyone, and yet 0:06:43.836 --> 0:06:46.476 one of the misconceptions about regret is that it's actually 0:06:46.516 --> 0:06:49.676 even possible for us to live that hashtag no regrets life. 0:06:50.076 --> 0:06:53.356 It's just a completely inaccurate view of the world. There 0:06:53.396 --> 0:06:56.076 is no life in which you will have no regrets. 0:06:56.556 --> 0:07:00.396 A second misconception goes something like this, Okay, so maybe 0:07:00.396 --> 0:07:04.076 I can't have a perfectly hashtag no regrets existence, but 0:07:04.236 --> 0:07:06.916 I'd definitely be able to have a hashtag mostly no 0:07:06.996 --> 0:07:09.756 regrets life if only I could get every thing I want. 0:07:10.116 --> 0:07:11.996 We assume that if we had the perfect job, in 0:07:12.036 --> 0:07:15.236 a swanky house and an amazing partner, we'd never experience 0:07:15.316 --> 0:07:18.636 that painful twinge of what if. But this too is 0:07:18.676 --> 0:07:20.756 a spot where our minds are lying to us, and 0:07:20.836 --> 0:07:23.596 part of that is because you can only choose one life. 0:07:24.076 --> 0:07:26.996 Even if your current life path is mostly awesome, there's 0:07:27.036 --> 0:07:29.716 probably something great out there in the universe that you're 0:07:29.756 --> 0:07:32.476 not going to get a chance to experience another fork 0:07:32.516 --> 0:07:34.916 in the road you could have chosen but didn't, And 0:07:34.956 --> 0:07:37.676 sometimes we can't help but regret not taking it. 0:07:37.956 --> 0:07:40.316 And we also have a tendency to put on rose 0:07:40.356 --> 0:07:43.876 colored glasses when we consider that alternate path, especially in 0:07:43.956 --> 0:07:46.996 moments when our current reality is a little harder. 0:07:47.636 --> 0:07:49.596 I feel like we have a lot to learn about regret. 0:07:50.156 --> 0:07:52.196 So I decided to call in an expert. 0:07:52.716 --> 0:07:54.716 My name is Daniel Pink. I'm the author of the 0:07:54.796 --> 0:07:57.356 Power of Regret, How looking backward moves us forward. 0:07:57.916 --> 0:08:01.116 Daniel developed what he calls the World Regret Survey, which 0:08:01.116 --> 0:08:04.276 collected the experiences of tens of thousands of people for 0:08:04.396 --> 0:08:07.076 more than one hundred countries. It's one of the largest 0:08:07.156 --> 0:08:10.716 databases of regrets ever. With all that data to draw on, 0:08:11.036 --> 0:08:12.876 I was hoping that Daniel could give us a bit 0:08:12.916 --> 0:08:15.996 of a crash course on regret, starting with a definition. 0:08:16.356 --> 0:08:17.876 I think one way to start is that a regret 0:08:17.996 --> 0:08:20.036 is an emotion, and is an emotion that makes us 0:08:20.036 --> 0:08:23.916 feel bad, and it's emotion that arises from I think 0:08:23.956 --> 0:08:27.876 some really fascinating and interesting powers of our brain. 0:08:28.636 --> 0:08:32.436 Regret requires a few complicated and possibly unique cognitive abilities. 0:08:33.036 --> 0:08:35.476 The first of these is the ability to accept blame. 0:08:36.316 --> 0:08:40.916 Unlike other negative emotions, like say disappointment, regret requires agency. 0:08:41.516 --> 0:08:43.716 We can only regret stuff that we caused. 0:08:44.516 --> 0:08:47.836 You experience a regret because it's your fault. 0:08:48.476 --> 0:08:52.116 Regret also requires the capacity to time travel. Regret forces 0:08:52.196 --> 0:08:54.476 us to hop in a mental time machine and travel 0:08:54.516 --> 0:08:57.156 back to some remembered event of the past, and once 0:08:57.196 --> 0:08:59.756 we get there, our brains engage in a third impressive 0:08:59.796 --> 0:09:03.836 cognitive feet what Daniel calls fabulousm. 0:09:03.436 --> 0:09:07.076 We imagine making a different decision than we actually made. 0:09:07.196 --> 0:09:10.916 And then what's even more crazy is that we negate 0:09:10.956 --> 0:09:14.156 that experience. We get back in our time machine. We 0:09:14.396 --> 0:09:17.076 arrive back in the present, and we now see a 0:09:17.116 --> 0:09:19.956 present that is reconfigured because of this decision that we've 0:09:20.036 --> 0:09:20.876 undone in the past. 0:09:21.516 --> 0:09:24.236 And that's the final cognitive superpower we engage in when 0:09:24.236 --> 0:09:28.716 feeling regret, what's known as counterfactual thinking. We create a new, 0:09:28.836 --> 0:09:32.196 completely imaginary timeline that runs counter to the facts. 0:09:32.756 --> 0:09:35.756 And there are two kinds of counterfactual thinking. One of 0:09:35.756 --> 0:09:38.996 them is known as a downward counterfactual, so that is, 0:09:39.196 --> 0:09:40.996 we imagine how things could have been worse. 0:09:41.756 --> 0:09:46.036 Downward counterfactuals often involve the phrase well at least. So 0:09:46.316 --> 0:09:48.236 let's say you miss your morning flight because you spent 0:09:48.276 --> 0:09:50.876 too long getting ready. You might engage in a downward 0:09:50.876 --> 0:09:54.036 counterfactual and say things like, well, at least there was 0:09:54.076 --> 0:09:56.716 a later flight, or well, at least I didn't miss 0:09:56.716 --> 0:10:00.596 my connection. Downward counterfactuals help us remember that it could 0:10:00.596 --> 0:10:03.996 have been worse. They usually make us feel better but 0:10:04.316 --> 0:10:08.316 less hopefully, we also engage in upward counterfactuals. 0:10:09.316 --> 0:10:11.916 Is gouy you imagined things could have been better. 0:10:12.636 --> 0:10:16.596 Upward counterfactuals make us say, if only, if only I 0:10:16.596 --> 0:10:19.036 had spent a year in Jamaica, if only I had 0:10:19.036 --> 0:10:21.596 helped my mom when she needed me, if only I 0:10:21.636 --> 0:10:24.596 had done this thing or that thing differently, then everything 0:10:24.636 --> 0:10:26.876 now would be so much better. I kind of regret 0:10:26.876 --> 0:10:27.756 going to college. 0:10:27.836 --> 0:10:30.516 I might have ended up, I don't know, working on 0:10:30.556 --> 0:10:31.556 a flower farm. 0:10:31.916 --> 0:10:35.396 Upward counterfactuals convince us that we've totally screwed things up. 0:10:35.916 --> 0:10:38.756 They kind of make us feel like crap, and sadly, 0:10:38.996 --> 0:10:40.196 they also dominate our. 0:10:40.116 --> 0:10:43.796 Thoughts because I'm a lawyer, but it would have been 0:10:43.916 --> 0:10:47.996 nice to find something that I'm passionate about an actress, 0:10:48.116 --> 0:10:50.316 a science teacher, or I'm going to be a doctor 0:10:50.396 --> 0:10:52.316 because I love health, nutrition and. 0:10:52.316 --> 0:10:55.276 That kind of stuff. Researchers have looked at how often 0:10:55.316 --> 0:10:58.516 we use each of these two kinds of counterfactuals, those 0:10:58.636 --> 0:11:02.156 painful if only counterfactuals. They beat out the nicer feeling 0:11:02.156 --> 0:11:05.036 of at least counterfactuals more than eighty percent of the time. 0:11:05.396 --> 0:11:08.556 We are biased on this case, towards the negative, where 0:11:08.556 --> 0:11:12.676 a biased toward the upward counterfactual toward the if onlies. 0:11:12.876 --> 0:11:15.116 I think the interesting thing here, as we try to 0:11:15.196 --> 0:11:18.196 sort out the puzzle is, you know, why would we 0:11:18.276 --> 0:11:21.596 do that? Why would we be prone to do something 0:11:21.796 --> 0:11:24.076 that makes us feel worse? And so there must be 0:11:24.196 --> 0:11:27.356 something about this that confers a benefit. There must be 0:11:27.356 --> 0:11:29.556 something about this that is adaptive. 0:11:30.436 --> 0:11:34.996 So becoming happier must involve banishing those negative if onlies. Right, Well, 0:11:35.156 --> 0:11:37.676 Daniel argues that wouldn't be such a smart thing to do. 0:11:38.196 --> 0:11:40.996 I'm all for positivity, right, I'm all for positive emotions, 0:11:41.076 --> 0:11:43.236 But here's the thing. I don't want to have only 0:11:43.316 --> 0:11:48.716 positive emotions, because negative emotions serve a function. I think 0:11:48.756 --> 0:11:51.876 that no regrets, the philosophy of no regrets, that you 0:11:51.956 --> 0:11:54.636 should never look backward, you should always look forward, never 0:11:54.676 --> 0:11:59.396 be negative, always be positive, is a profoundly bad idea. 0:11:59.836 --> 0:12:03.716 I think it is an unhealthy recipe for living. I 0:12:03.716 --> 0:12:06.476 think what we have to do is actually use our 0:12:06.516 --> 0:12:11.156 regrets as information, as signal as not ignore them, not 0:12:11.356 --> 0:12:14.556 wallowing them, but use them to help clarify what we 0:12:14.716 --> 0:12:16.836 value and instruct us on how to live better. 0:12:17.636 --> 0:12:19.756 When we get back from the break, we'll explore just 0:12:19.796 --> 0:12:21.676 how we can use these if onlies to live a 0:12:21.676 --> 0:12:24.156 better life. We'll see that regret can be a critical 0:12:24.156 --> 0:12:26.956 signpost for the version of ourselves that we most want 0:12:26.956 --> 0:12:29.236 to be, and we'll see that if we better understand 0:12:29.236 --> 0:12:32.076 that ideal self, we can start to use this painful 0:12:32.076 --> 0:12:35.356 emotion to live a healthier, happier and more authentic life. 0:12:36.356 --> 0:12:38.076 That Happiness Lab will be right back. 0:12:46.716 --> 0:12:49.436 I'm maya Shunker, host of a slight Change of Plans. 0:12:49.756 --> 0:12:52.276 When I was around eleven years old, at summer music camp, 0:12:52.436 --> 0:12:56.276 I had the biggest crush on another violinist, shinse Qesato. 0:12:56.716 --> 0:12:59.996 He was cute, a total violent prodigy, and was really 0:12:59.996 --> 0:13:02.956 funny too. I thought maybe he liked me as well, 0:13:03.036 --> 0:13:05.716 but I could never tell for sure. One day, a 0:13:05.836 --> 0:13:08.756 mutual friend of ours just asked me, point blank, Hey, 0:13:09.116 --> 0:13:09.956 he like shinse Kay. 0:13:10.116 --> 0:13:12.476 I think he might like you. Shinse Kay was. 0:13:12.476 --> 0:13:15.476 An earshot, and I remember seeing him lightly smile in 0:13:15.516 --> 0:13:19.076 response to her question. But even with that affirmation, I 0:13:19.196 --> 0:13:22.956 was too embarrassed and said no, he could have been 0:13:22.956 --> 0:13:25.396 my summer boyfriend. That I was too much of a wimp, 0:13:26.076 --> 0:13:28.796 and it took me until I was nineteen to actually 0:13:28.796 --> 0:13:31.876 have my first boyfriend, how different things could have been 0:13:31.916 --> 0:13:32.156 for me. 0:13:33.196 --> 0:13:36.116 Regrets can feel so troubling that we'd move mountains to 0:13:36.196 --> 0:13:37.476 change things. 0:13:37.516 --> 0:13:39.276 Like I would give a lot, a lot, a lot 0:13:39.276 --> 0:13:41.556 of money to go back and make a different decision. 0:13:42.316 --> 0:13:45.116 Liz Fossilene still hurts when she reflects on her grandmother's 0:13:45.156 --> 0:13:47.996 death and not being there for her grieving mother, but 0:13:48.076 --> 0:13:50.956 Liz argues that experiencing the painful, big feelings that come 0:13:50.996 --> 0:13:53.796 with regret have helped her to learn what really matters 0:13:53.796 --> 0:13:54.156 in life. 0:13:54.716 --> 0:13:58.316 Remembering how painful it was. It wasn't just regret. It 0:13:58.396 --> 0:14:00.676 was pain, It was shame, it was guilt, It was 0:14:00.716 --> 0:14:04.076 all these sort of really really thorny, difficult feelings that 0:14:04.076 --> 0:14:08.356 were welling inside me. But that really really clarified the 0:14:08.396 --> 0:14:10.156 decisions I wanted to make going forward. 0:14:10.756 --> 0:14:13.396 Liz tackled this idea in a recent Listen Molly comic 0:14:13.436 --> 0:14:17.196 on Instagram. In it, a tiny, dejected looking figure looks 0:14:17.236 --> 0:14:20.956 regretfully back into the past, but another similar figure turns 0:14:20.996 --> 0:14:23.556 to the future and asks, what if I do things 0:14:23.556 --> 0:14:26.996 differently from now on? Listen Molly then quote the author 0:14:27.156 --> 0:14:30.396 Augustin Burrows to live in regret and change nothing else 0:14:30.436 --> 0:14:33.516 in your life is to miss the entire point, and 0:14:33.596 --> 0:14:35.716 the science shows that this is one of the big 0:14:35.756 --> 0:14:38.756 benefits of being a creature that can feel regret. Our 0:14:38.796 --> 0:14:41.396 regrets can help us to better understand the kind of 0:14:41.396 --> 0:14:44.236 people we want to be, even if we're not currently 0:14:44.276 --> 0:14:47.156 living up to those standards. Just as our brains are 0:14:47.156 --> 0:14:51.756 good at simulating imaginary counterfactual situations, say asking out that 0:14:51.796 --> 0:14:54.316 person we liked but never spoke to, or going to 0:14:54.356 --> 0:14:57.036 graduate school in the Caribbean rather than working in Indiana, 0:14:57.596 --> 0:15:02.036 so too can our brains simulate imaginary counterfactual versions of ourselves. 0:15:02.516 --> 0:15:04.716 When I'm having a tough day as a professor, I 0:15:04.796 --> 0:15:07.276 might simulate a version of Laurie who's an astronaut, or 0:15:07.316 --> 0:15:11.076 a veterinarian or a beach bum. Perhaps more usefully, I 0:15:11.116 --> 0:15:13.476 can also simulate a better version of Laurie, who does 0:15:13.476 --> 0:15:16.076 it skip her workouts, who never spends too much time 0:15:16.116 --> 0:15:19.916 on social media, and who always gets enough sleep. Research 0:15:19.916 --> 0:15:22.116 has found that paying attention to the different kinds of 0:15:22.156 --> 0:15:25.036 better selves we simulate can help us to make choices 0:15:25.116 --> 0:15:29.076 that could ultimately make us happier. Back in the nineteen eighties, 0:15:29.196 --> 0:15:33.036 Columbia University psychologist Tory Higgins proposed an idea he called 0:15:33.156 --> 0:15:37.076 self discrepancy theory. It started from the observation that people 0:15:37.116 --> 0:15:40.116 tend to compare their real actual self to two very 0:15:40.116 --> 0:15:43.156 different kinds of model selves. The first is what he 0:15:43.236 --> 0:15:46.276 called the ideal self. Your ideal self is the truest, 0:15:46.396 --> 0:15:50.116 most authentic version of you. Ideal you ignores what society 0:15:50.196 --> 0:15:53.956 says and fearlessly shoots for all your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. 0:15:54.836 --> 0:15:56.876 Liz knew exactly what her ideal self. 0:15:56.636 --> 0:15:59.916 Wanted, So this is the career that makes you come 0:15:59.956 --> 0:16:03.836 alive versus the career that you feel pressured to pursue. 0:16:04.076 --> 0:16:07.996 But we also fantasize about a second, counterfactual self, the 0:16:08.156 --> 0:16:12.356 ought self. The ought self is all about duty, obligation, 0:16:12.636 --> 0:16:13.956 and doing what's expected of you. 0:16:14.556 --> 0:16:18.756 So for me, that is being a doctor. My parents 0:16:18.756 --> 0:16:22.596 are both immigrants, academics. It was very much like doctor banker, lawyer. 0:16:22.796 --> 0:16:23.596 That is success. 0:16:24.556 --> 0:16:26.716 My own ought self is a me that never takes 0:16:26.716 --> 0:16:29.716 a break. That Laurie is a perfectionist who has the 0:16:29.716 --> 0:16:32.876 perfect body and great clothes and a flawlessly clean house. 0:16:33.636 --> 0:16:37.156 But ideal Laurie has a completely different set of aspirations. 0:16:37.796 --> 0:16:40.076 Ideal Laurie does want to do good work in the world, 0:16:40.316 --> 0:16:42.356 but she also wants to take care of herself and 0:16:42.396 --> 0:16:43.156 live her dreams. 0:16:43.556 --> 0:16:47.876 And the ought self and ideal self sometimes require you 0:16:47.956 --> 0:16:49.676 to pick two very different paths. 0:16:49.916 --> 0:16:53.356 When Lizz's grandmother died far away across the ocean, ideal 0:16:53.476 --> 0:16:56.476 is an autlis clashed about what to do next. Liz's 0:16:56.516 --> 0:16:59.196 ideal self would have hands down risk upsetting her new 0:16:59.196 --> 0:17:01.516 bosses to help her mom in that moment of grief. 0:17:01.876 --> 0:17:04.036 The ideal self is someone who shows up for the 0:17:04.116 --> 0:17:07.036 people that I care about in the moments that really matter. 0:17:07.676 --> 0:17:11.356 But her aught self out. Rather than following her heart 0:17:11.356 --> 0:17:13.836 and going to the airport, she headed to the office. 0:17:14.396 --> 0:17:18.396 I really felt like I could not fail, especially early 0:17:18.436 --> 0:17:21.276 on in this job, otherwise it would ruin my career forever. 0:17:21.436 --> 0:17:25.276 And looking back now, I totally understand that that was ridiculous, 0:17:25.316 --> 0:17:28.116 catastrophic thinking. And there are many examples of this in 0:17:28.116 --> 0:17:30.716 my early twenties, like I cannot believe some of the 0:17:30.756 --> 0:17:31.596 things I did. 0:17:31.756 --> 0:17:33.956 Like the time Liz passed out and spent the night 0:17:33.956 --> 0:17:37.156 in the hospital. The next morning, her aunt self convinced 0:17:37.196 --> 0:17:39.316 her that she needed to go to work anyway. 0:17:39.276 --> 0:17:43.156 And I looked terrible, and my boss asked what had happened, 0:17:43.476 --> 0:17:45.436 and I briefly mentioned that I had been in the er, 0:17:45.596 --> 0:17:47.956 and he just stared at me and was like, you 0:17:48.116 --> 0:17:51.036 need to go home. It's not okay that you are here. 0:17:51.356 --> 0:17:53.596 But again, it was a similar compulsion of like, I 0:17:53.716 --> 0:17:56.076 have to be present, I have to be showing up. 0:17:56.516 --> 0:17:59.156 So, given that we have these two different imaginary versions 0:17:59.196 --> 0:18:02.636 of ourselves on our shoulders, each screaming different things, which 0:18:02.636 --> 0:18:05.636 one should we listen to? Well Tory Huggins found that 0:18:05.676 --> 0:18:08.236 ignoring either of these voices doesn't feel great in the 0:18:08.236 --> 0:18:11.436 short term. If Liz had flown to Europe, she'd probably 0:18:11.476 --> 0:18:13.516 have worried about her job as soon as the airplane 0:18:13.596 --> 0:18:16.196 left the tarmac. But research shows that when it comes 0:18:16.196 --> 0:18:18.876 to long term regrets, the severe kind that give us 0:18:18.916 --> 0:18:22.116 anguish years after the fact, they're much more likely to 0:18:22.116 --> 0:18:24.636 stem from ignoring the person we ideally want to be. 0:18:25.316 --> 0:18:28.356 If you pursue the path that brings you closer to 0:18:28.396 --> 0:18:30.676 your ideal self, you tend to be happier. But if 0:18:30.716 --> 0:18:35.316 confronted with, hey, this is the job that really sings 0:18:35.316 --> 0:18:37.956 to my soul, versus this is the job that everyone 0:18:37.996 --> 0:18:40.396 has expected me to take, but the thought of taking 0:18:40.436 --> 0:18:43.916 it actually fills me with a deep existential dread. You 0:18:43.956 --> 0:18:45.836 should go with the ideal self job. 0:18:46.836 --> 0:18:48.956 It may sound grim, but people at the very end 0:18:48.996 --> 0:18:52.596 of life bear out this observation. Palliative nurse Brownie Ware 0:18:52.676 --> 0:18:55.516 had years of experience living with patients in their final weeks, 0:18:55.876 --> 0:18:58.716 and she repeatedly witnessed the pain and anguish of their regrets. 0:18:59.236 --> 0:19:02.356 I wouldn't wish it on anyone, she once said. Mood 0:19:02.396 --> 0:19:04.676 by their stories and hopeful to share the wisdom she'd 0:19:04.716 --> 0:19:07.116 gained from her patients, she wrote a best selling book 0:19:07.116 --> 0:19:10.316 called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. All of 0:19:10.356 --> 0:19:12.756 the top five regrets wear shares in her book involved 0:19:12.756 --> 0:19:15.876 disappointing the ideal self rather than the odd self. The 0:19:15.956 --> 0:19:18.476 dying regret not being emotionally available to their friends and 0:19:18.476 --> 0:19:21.516 loved ones, being too devoted to proving themselves at work, 0:19:21.836 --> 0:19:24.796 and caring too much about what other people think. Social 0:19:24.796 --> 0:19:27.636 psychologist Tom Gilovich and Shy david I did a more 0:19:27.636 --> 0:19:30.956 empirically based survey of long term regrets. They studied a 0:19:31.036 --> 0:19:34.276 very different cohort of people, not the terminally ill, but 0:19:34.396 --> 0:19:37.276 everyone from college students to residents. In an old age 0:19:37.276 --> 0:19:40.116 home people's regrets about not living up to the person 0:19:40.156 --> 0:19:43.556 the ideally wanted to be far outnumbered their regrets about 0:19:43.556 --> 0:19:45.556 not living up to what they ought to do to 0:19:45.596 --> 0:19:49.716 please bosses, neighbors, or the wider society. Findings like these 0:19:49.756 --> 0:19:52.196 have shaped how Liz now listens to her two different 0:19:52.236 --> 0:19:53.436 counterfectual selves. 0:19:53.796 --> 0:19:55.716 One I'm faced with something, and when I have this 0:19:55.756 --> 0:19:57.876 little voice within me that says like, well, but work 0:19:57.996 --> 0:20:00.596 is really busy this week, I'm like, no, remember the 0:20:00.636 --> 0:20:03.556 pain that you're trying to avoid in the future. Just 0:20:03.636 --> 0:20:07.116 put that sort of perfectionist self to the side and 0:20:07.196 --> 0:20:09.956 go show up, because that's you're going to remember in 0:20:09.996 --> 0:20:12.876 ten years. I truly do not know what I was 0:20:12.956 --> 0:20:15.356 doing at work that week. I can tell you nothing 0:20:15.436 --> 0:20:18.116 about the project I was working on, about how it 0:20:18.156 --> 0:20:20.676 turned out. It just wasn't as important in the long run. 0:20:22.236 --> 0:20:25.236 Liz is now convinced that past regrets are great learning points. 0:20:25.836 --> 0:20:29.036 That recent listen Molly cartoon I mentioned also included an 0:20:29.036 --> 0:20:33.876 important quote. Regrets can be burned as fuel, but regrets 0:20:33.996 --> 0:20:36.836 burn hot, and we can only become better people if 0:20:36.876 --> 0:20:40.316 we're committed to directly embracing our regrets and the pain 0:20:40.356 --> 0:20:41.876 they cause, because. 0:20:41.636 --> 0:20:43.156