1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:25,759 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to 5 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:30,200 Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. 6 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,280 Speaker 1: to have you here. Back for another episode as we, 8 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: of course break down the psychology of our twenties. All right, 9 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: breakups in our twenties they suck. Okay, they are just awful, 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 1: know other words to describe it. They leave just a 11 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:53,559 Speaker 1: huge gaping hole in our lives and a ton of 12 00:00:53,640 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 1: unanswered questions, especially when that relationship felt like endgame. You know, 13 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,039 Speaker 1: you go from planning a future with this person to 14 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 1: it ending and walking away and them not being in 15 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: your life anymore. And even though you may know in 16 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,680 Speaker 1: your deepest heart of hearts that it was the right decision, 17 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,520 Speaker 1: it can still very much feel like you wasted the 18 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: last for six eight years of your life and you 19 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: have to start over. This big question comes up. 20 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,320 Speaker 2: Well, how do I do that? How do I start over? 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,039 Speaker 2: When this person was such a formative part of my twenties. 22 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 2: More specifically, how do I make up for lost time? 23 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 2: How do I still have all the experiences I didn't 24 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,320 Speaker 2: get to have whilst still feeling like I'm on schedule 25 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,320 Speaker 2: in my life. Well, there is a very unique phenomena 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 2: that happens after this kind of long term breakup that 27 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 2: I have been noticing more and more, and it's this 28 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 2: kind of second puberty that is triggered by the end 29 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,920 Speaker 2: of a significant relationship that has spanned the majority of 30 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 2: your twenties. And I want to really discuss exactly what 31 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 2: takes place and this new term that I've come up 32 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 2: to describe this, called post long term relationship puberty. It 33 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 2: is this weird chapter in our lives after relationship ends, 34 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 2: in which people experience like insane character shifts and development 35 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 2: and rapid expansion and growth and exploration and all these 36 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 2: amazing things whilst they're also trying to navigate heartache and 37 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 2: it feels like they're almost like a teenager again. There's 38 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 2: this very similar pattern that these breakups tend to follow, 39 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 2: and I want to explain what that pattern is, but 40 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,799 Speaker 2: also how we can best kind of confront the confusion 41 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,639 Speaker 2: that is left in the wake of a long term relationship, 42 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 2: How do we know when we can date again, How 43 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 2: do you know if you made a mistake, How to 44 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,959 Speaker 2: make the most out of being single after a big period, 45 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 2: a big chunk of your life of being monogamous. So 46 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 2: there is a lot going on, but it can all 47 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: be described by this term, and I want to tell 48 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 2: you what it means, explain it to you, answer all 49 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 2: those questions, and hopefully if you are going through this 50 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 2: right now, this episode serves as a little bit of 51 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 2: a guide to navigating this kind of heartache we know 52 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 2: is necessary but maybe didn't expect, and just how to 53 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 2: get the absolute most out of this next chapter of 54 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 2: your life despite you know, a lot of confusing feelings. So, 55 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,920 Speaker 2: without further ado, let's discuss the psychology of post long 56 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 2: term relationship puberty. So let me begin by describing exactly 57 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 2: what this phrase means. So when people first hear me 58 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 2: talk about post long term relationship puberty, they are often 59 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 2: kind of like, huh, like they're a little bit confused. 60 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 2: But when I describe it to them, they will almost 61 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 2: always immediately say to me, I know someone who's like that, 62 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 2: or they will start describing someone in their own life 63 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 2: who fits the exact bill, because although no one really 64 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 2: has a name for this phenomena yet, it is still 65 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,280 Speaker 2: so unbelievably common, I'm surprised no one has been able 66 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 2: to label it. So this term describes someone who was 67 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 2: in a serious relationship for most of their early and 68 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 2: mid twenties who suddenly finds themselves single at twenty seven, 69 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,599 Speaker 2: twenty eight, twenty nine, on the cusp of thirty and 70 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 2: having realized that they've sunk all this time into a 71 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,800 Speaker 2: person who wasn't the one. As a result, they feel 72 00:04:39,839 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 2: like they have to make up for those lost opportunities, 73 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 2: specifically the lost experiences of being single in their twenties, 74 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 2: and they kind of go through almost a second emotional 75 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 2: puberty of sorts. They suddenly start going out again after 76 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 2: years of wanting to stay in. They start dating like 77 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 2: they're seventeen. They feel giddy over first kiss, they feel 78 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,719 Speaker 2: confused and exhilarated. They're taking big risks, they're traveling, they're 79 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 2: fighting with their parents, they're making major life changes. They're 80 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: having sex with new people, discovering a whole new group 81 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 2: of single friends. They're having this like insane mental and 82 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,239 Speaker 2: physical glow up almost because they spent all this time 83 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:22,919 Speaker 2: with someone else, they found themselves really defined by that relationship, 84 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 2: and now that they're finally experiencing being single and truly 85 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 2: independent in their twenties, it's like they're awake again. It's 86 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 2: like they're alive. They are going through a major psychological 87 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 2: growth spurt that they missed by partnering up with someone, 88 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,840 Speaker 2: specifically with the wrong person too soon, and it is 89 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 2: wildly fun, but at the same time, it also creates 90 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,159 Speaker 2: sym panic and confusion for them because they were on 91 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 2: track for hitting all these key milestones that society expects 92 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,920 Speaker 2: of them, and now they won't be doing that. So 93 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 2: there's this equal feeling of like, wait, I feel free, 94 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 2: I feel great, but am I also falling behind? And 95 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 2: at the same time, they're seeing all their friends who 96 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 2: you know, are settling down now after waiting a little 97 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 2: bit longer, and it's kind of like the roles have reversed, 98 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 2: Like they went from being the one who was serious 99 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,919 Speaker 2: and committed to being the single friend. But by the 100 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,240 Speaker 2: time they're back in their single eraror or their friends 101 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 2: have moved on. So much like puberty, where every day 102 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 2: is very unique and there's a lot of a big 103 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 2: rollercoaster of emotions and highs and lows. You're really in 104 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:34,720 Speaker 2: a period of rediscovering yourself. I also like to use 105 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 2: the term puberty, because you know you might not be 106 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 2: experiencing the same physical and biological changes, but there are 107 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 2: significant growing pains mentally as you're trying to just who 108 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,720 Speaker 2: you were before with who you are now, and a 109 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 2: lot of that maturing is taking place through experimentation. Someone 110 00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 2: kind of described this phenomena to me like you've missed 111 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 2: your exit on the highway by staying in this relationship 112 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,239 Speaker 2: for too long. And once you've realized that you've missed 113 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 2: your exit and you leave the relationship, you find yourself 114 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 2: having to drive all the way back to where you 115 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 2: should have originally turned off. To get back on track. 116 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 2: You have to travel all the way back to the 117 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 2: time and the age that you were when you first 118 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 2: met that person and relived the way your life would 119 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 2: have gone if you hadn't been with them to feel 120 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 2: like you're really ready to enter the next chapter of 121 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 2: your life. And in the last two years, I have 122 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 2: seen countless friends and acquaintances go through this, go through 123 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 2: this exact thing, and it always follows the exact same pattern. 124 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 2: They met their person between seventeen and twenty arguably when 125 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 2: they were very very young. They met them during a 126 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 2: very formative period for establishing their own identity. The relationship 127 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 2: was a meaningful one, right, It was a good enough relationship. 128 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,160 Speaker 2: This person was really nice, they were fine, and a 129 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 2: lot of their experiences became tied to this person and 130 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 2: therefore the partnership. So they traveled with their partner, they 131 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 2: moved in together. They felt safe, but they didn't feel challenged, 132 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 2: they didn't feel like their needs were fully met. And 133 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 2: around their late twenties, they suddenly realized, like, this person 134 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 2: isn't for me, and I cannot waste any more of 135 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 2: my youth on them. I need to release both of 136 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 2: us from this relationship, the good, not great, safe but 137 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 2: not evolving relationship. And they break up with them, and 138 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,440 Speaker 2: it feels like a really really good decision. And then 139 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 2: the cycle begins, the cycle of just exploring and exploding 140 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 2: and doing wild stuff that you didn't feel like you 141 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 2: had the opportunity to do. So why does this happen? 142 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 2: Why is this such a pattern that you know, someone 143 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 2: like me or other people have been able to come 144 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,400 Speaker 2: up with terms and words for it. So I have 145 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:58,960 Speaker 2: this major theory that a large majority of couples who 146 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 2: have been together for a while and seemingly break up 147 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,400 Speaker 2: in the few years before thirty. They do so because 148 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 2: as you're approaching such a big milestone, it causes us 149 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 2: to naturally sit back and reflect. Thirty is a new decade. 150 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,679 Speaker 2: It definitely feels like the beginning of a bigger, larger, 151 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 2: more mature, more adult chapter. Even though you know nothing 152 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 2: really changes between twenty nine years and twelve months and 153 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:31,719 Speaker 2: thirty years and one month, but naturally like it feels significant, 154 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 2: and so questions like is this relationship right for me? 155 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,280 Speaker 2: Am I happy? Could I marry this person? Could I 156 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,640 Speaker 2: coparent with this person? Is this what I imagine for myself? 157 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 2: All these questions start to come up. So in psychology, 158 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 2: this experience has a name. It's called a temporal landmark. 159 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:55,839 Speaker 2: So temporal landmarks are moments in time like New year's, birthdays, anniversaries, 160 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 2: that really stand out from the flow of everyday life. 161 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 2: They act like mental chapter breaks. They make you really 162 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,680 Speaker 2: pause and reflect because because of their significance, there's a 163 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:12,800 Speaker 2: very big sense of before and after, and so things 164 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,440 Speaker 2: like turning thirty, things like graduating, things like a five 165 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 2: year anniversary. They produce like a psychological fork in the 166 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 2: road where big questions and big decisions and doubts are 167 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 2: very much amplified by a sense of urgency and a 168 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 2: sense of importance. Perhaps you've you know, you've had these 169 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,679 Speaker 2: feelings about your relationship for a while, but suddenly you're 170 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 2: about to turn thirty, or you're seeing friends get married, 171 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 2: and it feels very important to address them before the 172 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 2: new chapter starts. Kind of link to a quarter life 173 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,560 Speaker 2: crisis as well. You know, this is when you see 174 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 2: a lot of couples break up. It's like, do I 175 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: want to go into the next chapter with this person? Yes? 176 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,080 Speaker 2: Or no? And if the answer is no, will I 177 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 2: better get out quick? Another related concept that you may 178 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 2: or may not be familiar with is the seven year itch. Now, 179 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:08,199 Speaker 2: this idea, it actually came from a movie with Marilyn 180 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 2: Monroe back in the fifties, which was called the seven 181 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,719 Speaker 2: year Itch. It's not necessarily a scientific term, but coll 182 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 2: locally it kind of describes a feeling of restlessness and 183 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 2: unease that people note around the seven year mark of 184 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 2: their relationship. It's at seven years around that time that 185 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 2: people begin to realize, oh, like this is my future 186 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 2: where this is endgame. They also perhaps start to get 187 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,280 Speaker 2: lazy in a relationship, They start to realize that the 188 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 2: problems they have are probably not going to change, and 189 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,079 Speaker 2: they break up. If you've been with someone since your 190 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 2: late teens early twenties, that seven year itch is going 191 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,200 Speaker 2: to hit in your late twenties, right as you're about 192 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 2: to enter thirty, and unlike people who met later, you 193 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,560 Speaker 2: do have the existential real lifeation of like, wait, I 194 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:05,480 Speaker 2: never really got to know myself, which compounds the I 195 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 2: guess the fear of staying in the relationship. Basically, you know, 196 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 2: people might experience the seven year itch in their thirties 197 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,439 Speaker 2: or in their forties, but they can kind of say, oh, wait, no, 198 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 2: like I had time to search around, I had time today. 199 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 2: I know this person's right for me because I've seen 200 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 2: what else is out there. Whereas for you, who may 201 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 2: have not dated anyone else or anyone else seriously, the 202 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 2: seven year itch. Also it's kind of a reminder of like, wait, 203 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 2: but this is the only person I've really ever loved 204 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,640 Speaker 2: or really ever known. This is my only serious relationship. 205 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 2: Did I make the right decision? So if you're wondering 206 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 2: if there's any science behind this. The answer would be yes, 207 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 2: there actually is. There have been a number of studies 208 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,839 Speaker 2: and statistical analyses that have attempted to confirm or deny 209 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 2: this seven year itch myth, including one recently that looked 210 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 2: at divorce rate data. In twenty twelve, they looked at 211 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 2: divorce rate data because breakup data is not as available, 212 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,560 Speaker 2: and what they found is that the average marriage lasts 213 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 2: around seven years the seven year itch. Another study in 214 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 2: Finland in twenty eighteen, they also included people who cohabitate 215 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,240 Speaker 2: as well as being married. They found something a little 216 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,680 Speaker 2: bit different, but it still kind of confirms what the 217 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,959 Speaker 2: previous research has had to say. They have found that 218 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 2: most marriages end around the two year mark. That's when 219 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,559 Speaker 2: the risk of divorce is highest. But they considered how 220 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 2: long the average couple dates before they get married, and 221 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,760 Speaker 2: they found that to be around four point nine years. 222 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 2: So four point nine plus two puts us at six 223 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 2: point nine, almost on the dot seven years. It's why 224 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 2: like this whole idea and this whole theory, and there's 225 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 2: definitely more proof that needs to be provided, and it 226 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,680 Speaker 2: needs to be done in other areas, But this vague idea, 227 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 2: this idea of the seven year wich is why some sociologists, 228 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,000 Speaker 2: and maybe we'd call them, I don't know, social activists. 229 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,959 Speaker 2: They have suggested that if you choose to get married, 230 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,079 Speaker 2: you should have to renew your vows every seven years, 231 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,840 Speaker 2: like renewing your license right, and if you don't, well, 232 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 2: the state will just consider you separated. And it stops 233 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,600 Speaker 2: people from having to go through messy divorces. It allows 234 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 2: people to consciously commit to each other over and over again. Basically, 235 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 2: the argument is that marriage shouldn't be a passive legal obligation. 236 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960 Speaker 2: And you know, I, as someone who's quite romantic, I 237 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 2: really love this idea. I think it's brilliant. I think 238 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 2: that given some of the research and the evidence coming through, 239 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 2: perhaps this would make society a little bit healthier and 240 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 2: stop people from going through these terrible divorces or feeling 241 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 2: like they can't leave their relationship or feeling like they're stuck. 242 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: It would give us more of a sense of like, 243 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 2: sometimes relationships aren't meant to last forever, and a critical 244 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 2: points where you have to either grow or separate. It's 245 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 2: something that you should really have to consider rather than 246 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 2: just going with the status quo. So I would say 247 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 2: this research kind of explains why a lot of people 248 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 2: break up at this pivotal time in their twenties. But 249 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 2: why do they also suddenly experience a change in personality afterwards? 250 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 2: What's with the upheaval, What's with the dramatic shift in 251 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,480 Speaker 2: lifestyle that accompanies the end of the relationship. Basically, why 252 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 2: does this puberty aspect take place? I think the kind 253 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 2: of sudden shifts in identity and personality that occur and 254 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,800 Speaker 2: show off in people after they end a long term 255 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 2: relationship is because I think they're trying to attempt to 256 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,520 Speaker 2: make up for lost time by doing all the things 257 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 2: that their relationship status previously prevented them from doing, and 258 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 2: doing all the things that they see is stereotypically single 259 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 2: behaviors that they didn't get to do before. It may 260 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 2: also be like a rebellion, I guess, against who this 261 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 2: relationship made them into. So there's this concept in psychology 262 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 2: called reactants, which basically explains how when we feel our 263 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 2: freedom has been restricted, in this case by our past relationship, 264 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,560 Speaker 2: we sometimes swing really hard in the opposite direction to 265 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 2: reclaim that freedom. And it's why someone who felt romantically 266 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 2: stifled might suddenly become wildly romantically adventurous, or why someone 267 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,200 Speaker 2: who felt neglected might suddenly chase really intense attraction and 268 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,400 Speaker 2: love bumbing and the highs of a situationship. They are 269 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 2: reacting against an external pressure that they felt restricted them, 270 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 2: and because they haven't really had this kind of freedom 271 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 2: for a while, maybe they just go a little bit overbought. 272 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 2: I don't see the harm in it. I think you know, what, 273 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 2: have your fun if you feel like you missed out, 274 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,160 Speaker 2: if you feel like that's something that's weighing heavy on you, 275 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 2: like you should be able to have those fun experiences. 276 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 2: But also beyond reactance, you know, the end of a significant, 277 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,440 Speaker 2: long term relationship, duds leave you with a major identity void. 278 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:10,120 Speaker 2: You've probably forgotten who you are without this person. If 279 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 2: your twenties were built around the idea of a future 280 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,960 Speaker 2: with someone, if your interests were shaped by this, if 281 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 2: every core memory they're in it, all your friends, they're 282 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 2: the same, they know everything about you. Stepping back into 283 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:27,360 Speaker 2: the world without them can feel very lonely and very empty, 284 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,880 Speaker 2: not just because you miss them, but because this part 285 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 2: of you is disrupted. And so sometimes these behaviors, these 286 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 2: wild adventures, they are in response to that void. They're 287 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 2: us trying to stack up experiences that could provide us 288 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 2: with meaning, with purpose, show us who we are and 289 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 2: are psychologically revealing so that we can figure out who 290 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 2: am I? Who am I? Who am I? Without this person, 291 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 2: I have to do some major experimentation, some major risk 292 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 2: taking to speed up this process. These kind of behaviors 293 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,960 Speaker 2: may also be a little bit of a distraction in 294 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 2: the beginning, a comfort in a very lonely period, but 295 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,200 Speaker 2: also a way to say like, hey, look I can 296 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 2: do this on my own, I can have fun, I 297 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:14,560 Speaker 2: am independent, I'm new, I'm different. Now you this relationship 298 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 2: didn't define me. But eventually there will come a time 299 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 2: where you have to confront the fact that a big 300 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,879 Speaker 2: part of your life is over and make sense of 301 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,800 Speaker 2: what's left over in the emotional rubble, and that can 302 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 2: bring some really complicated emotions. As much as you're having 303 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,640 Speaker 2: heaps of fun, you're solo traveling, you're dyeing your hair, 304 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,760 Speaker 2: you're sleeping around, you're going on dates, and you never 305 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 2: thought this was going to be part of your life. 306 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,400 Speaker 2: As much as that is so fun, I do think 307 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:46,359 Speaker 2: that there are these moments of paupes where we kind 308 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 2: of think, wait, I can't get that time back. Am 309 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,719 Speaker 2: I actually going to find someone better? Like? Wait, did 310 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 2: I make a mistake? And I think those thoughts and 311 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 2: those fears deserve the very own sections. So we're going 312 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:00,399 Speaker 2: to devote the next part of this ep SO to 313 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 2: these internal conflicts, but also how to embrace this new 314 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 2: chapter ahead of you, how to find peace with the 315 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 2: relationship ending, how to just have more fun with being 316 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,160 Speaker 2: single even when it feels kind of terrible at times. 317 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 2: So stay with us after this your break as humans. 318 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:26,400 Speaker 2: I've definitely noticed this strange tendency to only see growth 319 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 2: as the addition of things, not so much the subtraction, 320 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 2: you know, gaining more money, gaining more friends, gaining more followers, 321 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 2: gaining skills, gaining more accomplishments. There is just as much 322 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 2: expansion in subtraction, particularly the subtraction of the wrong relationship. 323 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 2: And my use of that word subtraction is deliberate because 324 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:52,439 Speaker 2: it's a subtraction. It's not a failure, it's not a loss. 325 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,160 Speaker 2: It is a beginning as much as it is an end. 326 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:59,679 Speaker 2: I read a paper recently that essentially confirmed this idea 327 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 2: that leaving the wrong relationship, even if it was a 328 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,120 Speaker 2: good relationship will significantly improve your life, but you have 329 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:11,439 Speaker 2: to get through this kind of tough period first, this 330 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:17,640 Speaker 2: period of heartache, but also a secondary existential layer for starters. 331 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,480 Speaker 2: You know, the end of a long term relationship in 332 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 2: your twenties and especially in your late twenties is going 333 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 2: to bring about some milestone anxiety and milestone anxiety. If 334 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 2: you haven't listened to our episode on this is this 335 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:33,720 Speaker 2: very intense pressure to reach traditional life milestones at specific times, 336 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:38,120 Speaker 2: and those specific times are subconsciously impressed on us by 337 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,520 Speaker 2: society without us even realizing. Some of the ones that 338 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,639 Speaker 2: we typically think of and buy into without even realizing 339 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 2: is to graduate by the time you're twenty two, to 340 00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 2: be married and have a house by thirty, to have 341 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 2: kids by thirty five. And if you're not doing that, 342 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 2: if you're not hitting those targets at that exact time, 343 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 2: people will think, oh wow, well you had kids too late, 344 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 2: or you had kids too young. Oh well, you graduated 345 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,359 Speaker 2: too early, or you graduated too late, like something's wrong 346 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 2: with you. You haven't found your partner yet, but you've 347 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 2: like if you find your partner at twenty one, you 348 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,000 Speaker 2: know you wasted You wasted the opportunity to meet other people. 349 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 2: But if you find them at thirty one or well, 350 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 2: what was wrong with you? It took you some extra time. Like, 351 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,639 Speaker 2: it's so frustrating and it makes us so uneasy, and 352 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 2: it's so restrictive, and it gives us a real sense 353 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 2: of being left behind. I think, as well as people 354 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 2: seemingly move forward in their serious relationships, you've just taken 355 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,240 Speaker 2: the biggest step back possible. You know, you left your relationship, 356 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 2: and so the comparison is deeply destructive and is deeply 357 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 2: I guess contrasting right, like, this person and people that 358 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,159 Speaker 2: you look at are gonna seem so different to you 359 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 2: because you did make such a giant leap and you 360 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 2: did take such a leap of faith. But I want 361 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,680 Speaker 2: you to remember this. You have no idea how many 362 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,840 Speaker 2: people are staying with someone out of fear of not 363 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 2: finding anyone better. No idea how many of these people 364 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:05,240 Speaker 2: that you're comparing yourself to are staying with someone they 365 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,399 Speaker 2: don't actually really enjoy that much because they're scared of 366 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 2: being lonely. And it is always better to turn back 367 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,280 Speaker 2: down the wrong road, even if you are miles ahead. 368 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 2: It is always better to turn around rather than to 369 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 2: keep going. You know, you did not let the fear 370 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 2: of not finding someone better allow you to stay with 371 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 2: someone who wasn't right, regardless of what others are doing. 372 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 2: And I want you to remember. You know you're the 373 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,800 Speaker 2: only one who has to live fully with your decisions, 374 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,639 Speaker 2: and so choosing what was best for you will always 375 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,959 Speaker 2: be the right call, even if it isn't what other 376 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,399 Speaker 2: people expect, even if it seemingly puts you behind or 377 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,399 Speaker 2: disappoints people, even if it's scary for now. You have 378 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 2: saved yourself a lot of disappointment and pain in the 379 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 2: future by making a hard decision when you know, making 380 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,920 Speaker 2: a hard decision when it would have been very easy 381 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 2: to make the wrong one. I think the second existential 382 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,200 Speaker 2: thing that feels paralyzing in the wake of a long 383 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 2: term relationship breakup is this idea that you wasted your time. 384 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 2: You spent three, five, seven years, maybe even longer with 385 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 2: someone who didn't end up being the one, and you 386 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 2: could have used that time finding the one. You could 387 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 2: have used that time exploring, and now you have to 388 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,400 Speaker 2: do it now. Now you have to do it as 389 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 2: someone who is old, which I think is you're not old. 390 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 2: You're really not old, you're still a child. But there's 391 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 2: this weird sense that the time before was more valuable 392 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 2: than the time you have ahead, Like the time you 393 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:37,160 Speaker 2: spent in that relationship when you were young is more 394 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,400 Speaker 2: valuable than the time you're going to spend single now 395 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 2: that you're older. I think because we have a real 396 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:48,640 Speaker 2: anti aging philosophy and belief system in this society, and 397 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,640 Speaker 2: so your younger years, their scen is seen as very 398 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:58,119 Speaker 2: very important and impressive and full of all these experiences 399 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,439 Speaker 2: and where all the fun is. And so if you 400 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,200 Speaker 2: wasted that on a relationship, well then you've got the 401 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 2: short straw. Like you don't have to be single in 402 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,919 Speaker 2: a less fun period, a less fun time, And that 403 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,320 Speaker 2: is just total crap. Like it's just total, total crap. 404 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,439 Speaker 2: You still have so much time ahead of you. In fact, 405 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 2: you have so much more time than if you'd stayed 406 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 2: and been miserable, and you have so many more good 407 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,200 Speaker 2: memories to make, and you have so many more opportunities. 408 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 2: This is not a loss, This is not a deficit. 409 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:31,520 Speaker 2: This is an incredible gift. And people meet their soulmates 410 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,399 Speaker 2: at thirty seven, they meet them at forty. They're married 411 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,240 Speaker 2: and have kids by forty two. People meet their soulmates 412 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 2: at sixty. You know, true love doesn't just find you 413 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,719 Speaker 2: when you're young. It's not just something to tick off 414 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,159 Speaker 2: the bucket list before you turn thirty. And I'm glad 415 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 2: that you, hopefully, somewhere in your heart know that, and 416 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:54,000 Speaker 2: that you didn't follow a timeline and didn't feel like 417 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,679 Speaker 2: you had to stay on a timeline more than you 418 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,960 Speaker 2: had to value your own happiness. But I totally get it. 419 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 2: But I feel like the sense of loss and the 420 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 2: sense of disruption is very, very strong. But it's this 421 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,240 Speaker 2: kind of thinking, this thinking of, oh my god, I'm 422 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,280 Speaker 2: never going to find anyone better. I'm never gonna find love. 423 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 2: I've already put all this time into this person that 424 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 2: gets us stuck in a sunk costs mentality, and that 425 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 2: gets us staying in places we ultimately don't want to be. 426 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,919 Speaker 2: Here's what I have to say to this. If you 427 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,280 Speaker 2: feel like you've wasted your time, if you feel like 428 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,960 Speaker 2: you're not going to get your youth back, if you 429 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 2: feel like you wish you had known better and left earlier, 430 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,080 Speaker 2: how do you know that it would have been better 431 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,439 Speaker 2: if this relationship hadn't happened. How do you know you 432 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 2: wouldn't have been in a worse relationship or wouldn't be 433 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,240 Speaker 2: feeling just as lost. How do you even know that 434 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,440 Speaker 2: you would have met someone. Maybe you could have spent 435 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 2: that whole time single, and yeah, it would have been fine, 436 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 2: and it would have been great, But you wouldn't have 437 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 2: learned some of the lessons that you did learn. You 438 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,920 Speaker 2: wouldn't know now what kind of person is better for you. 439 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 2: You wouldn't know now how to trust your gut, you 440 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:04,159 Speaker 2: wouldn't know how to move through pain and uncertainty. You've 441 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,480 Speaker 2: learned love, You've learned valuable relationship skills, You've learned more 442 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 2: about yourself regardless of it not working out, And you 443 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,800 Speaker 2: would be so surprised of how thankful I am actually 444 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 2: of the times that I've previously had my heart broken, 445 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,840 Speaker 2: because in hindsight, I can see that that is exactly 446 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,919 Speaker 2: what needed to happen, and I can see that despite 447 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 2: all the pain, and gosh it was painful, it was 448 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,960 Speaker 2: the best thing possible for me. I have friends who 449 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 2: have married their versions of my ex I have friends 450 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,920 Speaker 2: who have married the person that they doubted all along 451 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,440 Speaker 2: was right for them. And you know, what. Some of 452 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 2: them are happy, and some of them are okay, but 453 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,399 Speaker 2: some of them are also like I really, I'm in 454 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,040 Speaker 2: it now and I care about this person and we're 455 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,400 Speaker 2: going to build the family together. But I wish I'd 456 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,639 Speaker 2: waited a little bit longer. I wish that I'd learnt 457 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,439 Speaker 2: more about myself. So it's not a failure. It's not 458 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 2: a waste to walk away from the wrong person. It 459 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 2: is a gift. This is something that you will end 460 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 2: up valuing so much. This is something that you will 461 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 2: end up being so immensely grateful to yourself for. So 462 00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 2: how do we actually embrace this new phase for ourselves? 463 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,360 Speaker 2: I think the first thing is lean into the puberty part. 464 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 2: Lean into being a little bit wild, Lean into going 465 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 2: a little bit crazy. Lean into doing just things that 466 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 2: you wanted to do that you couldn't do in your relationship, 467 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 2: even if they feel scary or risky or embarrassing. You know, 468 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 2: healing will come, sadness will come, like it's gonna happen, 469 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,160 Speaker 2: So just ride the highs whilst you can and whilst 470 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 2: you want to. And then when the loaves come, like 471 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 2: lean into them as well. You know, I always say, 472 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 2: if you embrace the pain fully for six months. You 473 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:57,119 Speaker 2: save yourself from two years of lingering, suffering. It's better 474 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,200 Speaker 2: to kind of lean into it and get it out 475 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,800 Speaker 2: of the way, but just let it take control for 476 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,360 Speaker 2: a little while, rather than trying to fight it off 477 00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 2: for as long as possible and realize that a losing game. 478 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 2: I also want you to keep contact to a minimum. 479 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,399 Speaker 2: I know that if you have been with this person 480 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,439 Speaker 2: for a long time, if you live with them, if 481 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,919 Speaker 2: you have a pet with them, if you have all 482 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,560 Speaker 2: the same friends, that is very, very hard. Which is 483 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 2: why I don't say don't talk to them at all, 484 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:29,200 Speaker 2: but really use your judgment here. You know that the 485 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 2: more you talk to them, the harder it is for 486 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 2: your brain to unlearn their presence in your life. There 487 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 2: is the saying neurons that fire together, wire together, and 488 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 2: there is all these pathways in your brain right now 489 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:46,959 Speaker 2: associated with this person that are very entrenched. And the 490 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,760 Speaker 2: more you continue to stay in contact with them and 491 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 2: be around them and remember all the funny, quirky things 492 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 2: they did, the harder it is for those pathways to 493 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,320 Speaker 2: be paved over, the harder it is for new pathways 494 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 2: to loss them in their place. So please keep contact 495 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,720 Speaker 2: to a minimum, don't check up on them through friends, 496 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,200 Speaker 2: get off social media for a while, do a big 497 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,800 Speaker 2: closure chat right at the beginning, give back all their stuff, 498 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 2: and then focus on you. This is you, This is 499 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:19,280 Speaker 2: your new chapter, Like this is your time, your period, 500 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,240 Speaker 2: This is like the year for you. They don't need 501 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 2: to be part of it, even though they might feel 502 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 2: and might feed into this real deep nostalgia and love, 503 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 2: and even though it's hard to disentangle yourself, like you 504 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,239 Speaker 2: need to make smart decisions for what you want in 505 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,240 Speaker 2: the future, and it's going to be harder for you 506 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,680 Speaker 2: to move on fully and not feel like this was 507 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,920 Speaker 2: a bad decision if you keep letting them back in 508 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 2: for a few seconds, a few minutes at a time. 509 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 2: I also want you to go into all your doctor's appointments. 510 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 2: I want you to go to the dentist. I want 511 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,720 Speaker 2: you to get your haircut. I want you to go 512 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 2: and get like a physical go get your bluzz done, 513 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 2: do everything in terms of physical maintenance. To really start 514 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 2: this new chapter with a clean bill of health, to 515 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 2: feel like okay, cool, I've bookmarked the end of this 516 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 2: of this relationship, and this is the new beginning, Like 517 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 2: I feel healthy I feel well, I'm doing everything that 518 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,600 Speaker 2: I need to do to make sure I'm in the 519 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 2: best place I can be. And get like a fresh 520 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 2: notebook and just start writing down everything that you're feeling 521 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,719 Speaker 2: about this next chapter, Like lean into how sacred this is, 522 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 2: lean into how much you're gonna learn. Make it like 523 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 2: a diary of a breakup, a diary of heartache, a 524 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 2: diary of this relationship. Ending that in sixty years time 525 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,479 Speaker 2: or forty years time you'll find in a box somewhere 526 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,480 Speaker 2: and get to reminisce on and get to feel proud 527 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,000 Speaker 2: of yourself that you walked away when you knew it 528 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,960 Speaker 2: was the right time, or just allow yourself to see 529 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,520 Speaker 2: that you can endure pain and you can endure hard things. 530 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 2: If you're suddenly sad about being single, I want you 531 00:30:57,760 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 2: to remember that just because you're sad doesn't mean it 532 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:04,640 Speaker 2: was the right relationship. You know, feelings aren't a total 533 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,240 Speaker 2: reflection of reality. They can't predict things. They are not 534 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,840 Speaker 2: always an indication that you made the wrong choice. They 535 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:15,360 Speaker 2: had just a response to a choice. And remember both 536 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 2: options here were going to be hard. Staying in that 537 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 2: relationship would have been hard, Leaving is hard, and so 538 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 2: it's okay to be conflicted, but know that randomly thinking 539 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,040 Speaker 2: of them, randomly having them pop up in your mind, 540 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 2: randomly missing them and feeling devastated, that is not an 541 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 2: indication that you need to get back with them. This 542 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:39,720 Speaker 2: is just your body's natural response to grief and it's 543 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 2: just adjusting to something new. Please don't read anything more 544 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 2: into that than it is a really great trick that 545 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,880 Speaker 2: I personally used after my last relationship ended, when I 546 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,080 Speaker 2: was like feeling very sad about being single and was 547 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,240 Speaker 2: feeling very doomsday about it. It was called the two 548 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,840 Speaker 2: column technique, and it's a CBT trick, so a cognitive 549 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,280 Speaker 2: behavioral therapy trick where you write down your negative thoughts 550 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,160 Speaker 2: or your negative beliefs about the relationship ending or being 551 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 2: single in one column, and then on the right column 552 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 2: the other column you counter it with a positive true statement. 553 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 2: So in the left column you might write, I'm never 554 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 2: going to find someone like them, and in the right 555 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,920 Speaker 2: column you write, I won't find someone like them, but 556 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,960 Speaker 2: I'll find someone better suited. In the left column, you 557 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 2: might write, this pain will never end. In the right 558 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 2: column you write, I know the pain won't last forever. 559 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:33,960 Speaker 2: I know that that's not how human emotion works, and 560 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,360 Speaker 2: that one day I'll be thankful for this hard part 561 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,520 Speaker 2: of the journey because it's leading me somewhere better. There's 562 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,800 Speaker 2: going to be a lot of beliefs and fears that 563 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,240 Speaker 2: come up because this is new and this is raw, 564 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 2: and this is hard. Don't let them be the sole 565 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,880 Speaker 2: source of knowledge and reality for you. Don't let them 566 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 2: lead you back to something that you know in your 567 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:59,240 Speaker 2: heart of hearts wasn't fulfilling. So that trick is incredibly useful. Also, 568 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:02,680 Speaker 2: remember the first six months will always be the toughest, 569 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 2: even if you are having fun with it. There will 570 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 2: be dark days. Slowly but surely, you will feel better. 571 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,120 Speaker 2: And there is a time coming up in the future 572 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 2: where you're gonna wake up and not immediately think about them, 573 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:17,960 Speaker 2: and you're gonna be able to go on a date 574 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,080 Speaker 2: and not immediately compare them. And time has this funny 575 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 2: way of of healing you and sneaking up on you. 576 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:30,000 Speaker 2: It's gonna happen slowly, slowly, slowly, and then all at 577 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 2: once you will feel a whole lot better, and you'll 578 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:38,600 Speaker 2: feel ready to find someone new and serious. And that 579 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:40,840 Speaker 2: kind of brings me to the next question people ask me, 580 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,920 Speaker 2: when do I know I'm ready to seriously date again? Listen, 581 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 2: I can't give you a specific number of weeks. I 582 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 2: can't give you a specific number of months or days. 583 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,920 Speaker 2: It's very objective, But I can give you a feeling 584 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:58,160 Speaker 2: that works as a sign. So when you think about 585 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 2: them and you don't want to cry, you don't want 586 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,000 Speaker 2: to call them, you don't want to get back at them, 587 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,600 Speaker 2: you don't want them to know that you're dating, that's 588 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,359 Speaker 2: when you are allowed to start dating again. When you 589 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:12,239 Speaker 2: feel a deeper sense of peace and clarity over the 590 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 2: relationship ending rather than pain and fury, that's when you 591 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:20,600 Speaker 2: can date again. Two other questions to ask yourself. Do 592 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,440 Speaker 2: you feel strong enough to handle rejection or things not 593 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:27,520 Speaker 2: working out? And do you feel over your breakup enough 594 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 2: that you could be all in with someone if something 595 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,920 Speaker 2: knew that had potential landed in your lap, if a 596 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,840 Speaker 2: new person came along, would you be ready? You know, 597 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 2: working on yourself is a never ending process, and as 598 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 2: long as you have taken some time to really know yourself, 599 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 2: as long as you are being honest about what you want, 600 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,759 Speaker 2: as long as you know what you previously compromised on, 601 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 2: and you know what mistakes you won't make again. You're 602 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,600 Speaker 2: ready to date, go and have some fun with it. 603 00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,520 Speaker 2: You know you've done the long term relationship thing. You 604 00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 2: have no committed love. Just see what other versions of 605 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:07,960 Speaker 2: love might be out there. You know, hypothetically, I always 606 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:13,560 Speaker 2: think this when I'm freshly single or feeling terrible about 607 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,680 Speaker 2: being single. I always used to think, you know, if 608 00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:18,520 Speaker 2: I knew I was going to meet my soulmate in 609 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:22,760 Speaker 2: six months time, what would I want to experience before them? 610 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 2: And that is a really great way and a really 611 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,200 Speaker 2: great hypothetical that will help you live your life in 612 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:33,080 Speaker 2: accordance with how you imagined this era being. And it's 613 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 2: this six month period, this hypothetical six month window that 614 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 2: makes you see what an opportunity being single is. And 615 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:42,640 Speaker 2: it makes you really pose the question, like what do 616 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 2: I want to get out of this? How can I 617 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,560 Speaker 2: get the most out of this? Okay, we are going 618 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,000 Speaker 2: to take a short break, but in just a minute 619 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,520 Speaker 2: we're going to return with some juicy listener questions and 620 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,640 Speaker 2: dilemmas about the end of long term relationships, about breakups, 621 00:35:56,719 --> 00:36:00,319 Speaker 2: about this second puberty that we go through our the 622 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:04,719 Speaker 2: significant end of something significant. So stay with us. We'll 623 00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 2: be right back after this short break. So I think 624 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 2: that this topic got the most amount of listener questions 625 00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:20,440 Speaker 2: that I've ever gotten for an episode. Maybe that is 626 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,800 Speaker 2: comforting for you if you're currently going through a breakup 627 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,759 Speaker 2: in your twenties. There are a lot of people who 628 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:29,920 Speaker 2: are going through something quite similar and who have a 629 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:35,880 Speaker 2: lot of questions around identity, around loneliness, around being single 630 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 2: and how much it sucks, but also how to embrace it. 631 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,840 Speaker 2: So I've actually ended up choosing I think seven listener 632 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,160 Speaker 2: questions when we normally do four, just because there were 633 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,000 Speaker 2: so many good ones. We're going to start out with 634 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:51,319 Speaker 2: this first question, why do we continue these relationships for 635 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,560 Speaker 2: longer when we knew it was going nowhere? Why do 636 00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,920 Speaker 2: we continue and stay in long term relationships in our 637 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:01,680 Speaker 2: twenties even when we know they're not the right person. 638 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,279 Speaker 2: I think that it's really driven by fear, And it 639 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,759 Speaker 2: might not feel like fear in the moment, it might 640 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:12,840 Speaker 2: not feel intense, but it is fear. It's a fear 641 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:16,319 Speaker 2: of loneliness, it's a fear of regret. The fear of 642 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 2: regret is really the big one. I think that a 643 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:24,800 Speaker 2: lot of us don't know whether it's intuition or anxiety 644 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,600 Speaker 2: that is driving the car. And so when we have 645 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:33,839 Speaker 2: someone who is good, not great, we think, well, if 646 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:37,120 Speaker 2: I walk away and I realize he was actually amazing 647 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:40,719 Speaker 2: and it was actually my anxiety all along, what if 648 00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,839 Speaker 2: I can't get that relationship back and I regret leaving them, 649 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:49,200 Speaker 2: What if I can't find someone better. It's this idea 650 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:53,439 Speaker 2: of like, is this it? And if this is it, 651 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:57,040 Speaker 2: I don't want to walk away from this person. I 652 00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:00,880 Speaker 2: don't want to be single. I don't want to realize 653 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,960 Speaker 2: that I made a huge mistake. I also think that 654 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,840 Speaker 2: it's us delaying the pain breaking up. But someone is 655 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:11,560 Speaker 2: like standing at the start of the marathon and being like, Okay, 656 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,759 Speaker 2: I've got to do this, and knowing it's gonna hurt, 657 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,719 Speaker 2: and knowing that it's gonna suck, and knowing that you 658 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 2: have to do it anyways. It's this huge feeling of like, 659 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:25,680 Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm signing up for something significant, and 660 00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:29,799 Speaker 2: I'm signing up for like I'm subjecting myself to a 661 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:33,680 Speaker 2: painful reality for the next however many months. And you know, 662 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:37,600 Speaker 2: as humans we want to avoid that sometimes, but I 663 00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,759 Speaker 2: always say this, you know, avoiding pain now is just 664 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:45,319 Speaker 2: delaying pain and dissatisfaction into the future. And if this 665 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,360 Speaker 2: person is meant to be with you, when you do 666 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,920 Speaker 2: break up, you will find your way back together. I 667 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,440 Speaker 2: promise you. I promise you will. You will find your 668 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,560 Speaker 2: way back together. Because if you break up with them 669 00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 2: and you're like, wow, like I really miss them, and 670 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,160 Speaker 2: they're like I really miss you too, you know, maybe 671 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,480 Speaker 2: that's the confirmation you need. And if you break up 672 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,520 Speaker 2: with them and then neither of you really miss each other, 673 00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:11,600 Speaker 2: or neither of you really feel like you're meant to 674 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:15,760 Speaker 2: be back together, then it's not meant to be. Also, 675 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,040 Speaker 2: I just think that it shouldn't take breaking up with 676 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:22,360 Speaker 2: someone to realize that you want them in your life. 677 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:26,000 Speaker 2: And you really only get one shot at life, and 678 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,799 Speaker 2: do you really want to spend it with someone who 679 00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:31,000 Speaker 2: you were not entirely excited about and who was not 680 00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:35,759 Speaker 2: entirely excited by you. I'm not saying you have to 681 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,960 Speaker 2: listen to every single doubt that comes through your head 682 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:41,880 Speaker 2: about a relationship, because I know sometimes they're definitely fueled 683 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:46,879 Speaker 2: by anxiety and worry and fear and all these other 684 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,279 Speaker 2: things that might be misplaced. But if you look at 685 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:54,520 Speaker 2: them and you don't feel excited and proud to be 686 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,399 Speaker 2: with them, I don't think you should be with them, 687 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,719 Speaker 2: all right. The second question, would I reach out to 688 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:05,120 Speaker 2: check on them after not talking for a year or not? No, No, 689 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,719 Speaker 2: you should not. That's gonna be my blanket answer. I 690 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,800 Speaker 2: will provide some more nuance, though. I really need you 691 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:13,880 Speaker 2: to question your intentions. What are you really trying to 692 00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:16,960 Speaker 2: get out of this conversation. What do you really need 693 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,759 Speaker 2: to know from them that's going to help you in 694 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:23,600 Speaker 2: the future. If this person is no longer in your life, 695 00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:26,400 Speaker 2: and if you believe they don't have a place in 696 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:30,359 Speaker 2: your future, I think that going and talking to them 697 00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:33,720 Speaker 2: is you just relapsing. It's you just opening old wounds. 698 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,319 Speaker 2: I think that it is a challenge that I'm gonna 699 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:39,960 Speaker 2: sound a it spiritual, but I really do think that 700 00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:42,399 Speaker 2: the urge is a challenge that the universe or something 701 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,520 Speaker 2: has given you to say, or your own mind has 702 00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:46,640 Speaker 2: given you to say. Okay, are you really over this person? 703 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 2: Here's the last hurdle, Like, don't do the check in. 704 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:54,160 Speaker 2: Don't do the check in. It's just I think the 705 00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:57,319 Speaker 2: final battle, the final frontier of you getting over them, 706 00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:00,440 Speaker 2: and you've done so much work. It is going to 707 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,880 Speaker 2: bring you back. It is going to make you remember 708 00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:08,240 Speaker 2: them and feel nostalgic and miss them. So please don't 709 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:11,120 Speaker 2: do it. You have done too much work up to 710 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:15,080 Speaker 2: this point to let this undo it all. I understand 711 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,960 Speaker 2: that you are probably very sad about the idea that 712 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,799 Speaker 2: this person is never going to be in your life 713 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:24,480 Speaker 2: again and has gone from your life. And that's really 714 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,799 Speaker 2: really devastating at times. But they're not gone. Like they 715 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 2: taught you a lot of lessons. You still have all 716 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:33,399 Speaker 2: the memories. Maybe one day you'll run run into each 717 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,319 Speaker 2: other in the street and it will be beautiful and 718 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,800 Speaker 2: that will be your closure. But for now, don't message 719 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 2: to them, don't check in all right. Question number three, 720 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:46,960 Speaker 2: I feel pressured by my biological clock to stay with 721 00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:50,759 Speaker 2: my current partner. Is there a way to get over this? 722 00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 2: I definitely understand this. I have this huge fear of 723 00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:57,400 Speaker 2: getting to the point where I want to have kids 724 00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,759 Speaker 2: and something happens and I'm not able to I think 725 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,960 Speaker 2: it's a unique fear for women. Right If a family 726 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,480 Speaker 2: is something that you see in your future, you kind 727 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,680 Speaker 2: of you need a guy for that. You need and 728 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 2: hopefully you want someone who you love and who you 729 00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:13,799 Speaker 2: want a co parent with and who would be a 730 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,920 Speaker 2: good parent and a good partner. And so sometimes it 731 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,759 Speaker 2: can be like, oh my god, like I need this 732 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:21,840 Speaker 2: final puzzle piece, I need this final key. And so 733 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:25,440 Speaker 2: if I want a family and this guy he was 734 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:26,880 Speaker 2: here is the only way to get one, even if 735 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,920 Speaker 2: he's not the perfect guy, like, I'll just settle for that. 736 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:31,440 Speaker 2: What has brought me a lot of peace, though, is 737 00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,799 Speaker 2: understanding how much technology is out there now, how many 738 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:38,200 Speaker 2: women are having children later and later, how many women 739 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:44,000 Speaker 2: are having really successful and healthy pregnancies when they're older. 740 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:46,239 Speaker 2: You know, it's no longer the normal that people have 741 00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:48,640 Speaker 2: kids at twenty two and twenty five, Like, there is 742 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,840 Speaker 2: so much more room for new timelines. You know, my 743 00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:54,359 Speaker 2: mom had my sister when she was forty two. For me, 744 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:59,440 Speaker 2: that is seventeen years away. That's a whole lifetime, seventeen years. 745 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:02,200 Speaker 2: Like I could have a child now and that child 746 00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:05,480 Speaker 2: almost be an adult, and then have another child when 747 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:08,919 Speaker 2: that child is about to graduate high school. I think 748 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,160 Speaker 2: we need to talk more about I think we need 749 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,760 Speaker 2: a better conversation around pregnancy and childbirth not just being 750 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:19,239 Speaker 2: something that is for young women. It's something that is 751 00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:23,120 Speaker 2: for women in general, even if they are older, like 752 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:26,839 Speaker 2: they can still have successful pregnancies and still have very 753 00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:30,200 Speaker 2: healthy children. And I sometimes think that this idea of 754 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:33,640 Speaker 2: like your biological clock running out is somewhat a way 755 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:36,840 Speaker 2: to control women and somewhat way to make them settle. 756 00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:39,960 Speaker 2: Just remember that, Like, if you're single right now and 757 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,080 Speaker 2: you're worried about, oh my god, A'm I going to 758 00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,640 Speaker 2: find someone? Am I going to find someone? Like? You 759 00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:47,600 Speaker 2: have so much time and your relationship status could change 760 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:51,680 Speaker 2: at any moment. At any minute, the right person could 761 00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:53,359 Speaker 2: walk through the door, and you want to make sure 762 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,080 Speaker 2: that the door is open for them, and you haven't 763 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:58,800 Speaker 2: closed it because you grabbed the first person who came knocking. 764 00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,040 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I think it's better to 765 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,319 Speaker 2: wait for the right person who you really want to 766 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,640 Speaker 2: start a beautiful family with, then to just take what's 767 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,920 Speaker 2: out there. Just enjoy the chapter in right now. There 768 00:44:09,920 --> 00:44:13,000 Speaker 2: are so many ways to be a mother, having biological 769 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,720 Speaker 2: children as one of them. But even if that doesn't 770 00:44:15,719 --> 00:44:18,799 Speaker 2: happen for you, you know, there are just so many 771 00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:20,960 Speaker 2: other ways. You can mother friends, You can mother your 772 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:24,480 Speaker 2: children's friends, you can mother foster animals, you can be 773 00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:28,359 Speaker 2: a foster parent, like in Australia right now, there's such 774 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:31,880 Speaker 2: a need for foster parents. You can adopt children, like 775 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,080 Speaker 2: there are so many other ways to be a mother 776 00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:37,719 Speaker 2: and to have a family these days. Don't let biological 777 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:41,799 Speaker 2: clock be the reason that you settle the relationship that 778 00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:44,120 Speaker 2: you have, Like, there's so much science that says who 779 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:45,840 Speaker 2: you end up with, who you marry, who you have 780 00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,640 Speaker 2: children with, is such a predictor of your well being 781 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:53,520 Speaker 2: and your life satisfaction and your life expectancy. So take 782 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:57,239 Speaker 2: it seriously. It's very, very important, even if you have 783 00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,960 Speaker 2: other priorities. All right, Fourth question, why did I feel 784 00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,960 Speaker 2: completely over my five year relationship within a week after 785 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:08,759 Speaker 2: ending things? So I don't know whether this person has 786 00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:12,440 Speaker 2: just broken up with their partner or has been broken 787 00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,040 Speaker 2: up for a while. I think if you've just broken 788 00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,040 Speaker 2: up with them and you're like, I feel great, it's 789 00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:20,720 Speaker 2: probably just shock. I remember breaking up with my first 790 00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,000 Speaker 2: serious boyfriend and I was like I'm over it, I'm 791 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,799 Speaker 2: fine for the first three months, and then it was 792 00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:28,640 Speaker 2: like weoll delayed reaction set in. So I think it's 793 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:30,920 Speaker 2: just shock if you've just broken up with them. But 794 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:35,040 Speaker 2: if not, and if you're a little bit down the line. 795 00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,600 Speaker 2: It may have been that you had already checked out. 796 00:45:38,719 --> 00:45:41,279 Speaker 2: You may not have known it. You probably do know 797 00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,839 Speaker 2: this though you had already checked out of the relationship. 798 00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:46,400 Speaker 2: You'd already tried to make it work and it wasn't working. 799 00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:50,000 Speaker 2: You had already found the closure while you were still 800 00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:54,080 Speaker 2: with the person. You were already imagining what you were 801 00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,080 Speaker 2: going to do after you'd broken up. You were already 802 00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:58,600 Speaker 2: processing what it would mean to lose them. You were 803 00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,560 Speaker 2: already imagining your life with them. You were already, yeah, 804 00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:05,160 Speaker 2: essentially getting through it before you were going through it. 805 00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:08,319 Speaker 2: I think that's probably the explanation. It's not a weird 806 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:12,759 Speaker 2: thing at all. People handle grief and loss and heartache 807 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:16,360 Speaker 2: so differently. But I think what is most likely happened 808 00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:20,320 Speaker 2: is either you are in shock or you have already 809 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,040 Speaker 2: done Yeah. You basically already found closure, and you've already 810 00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:26,080 Speaker 2: checked out whilst you were in the relationship without even 811 00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:31,239 Speaker 2: realizing it. All right, Question number five, I'm worried it 812 00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:33,520 Speaker 2: will always hurt this bad and I'll never find someone 813 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,560 Speaker 2: who loves me as well as they did. What do 814 00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:39,880 Speaker 2: I do? I want you to remember that humans are 815 00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:44,480 Speaker 2: really tough creatures. They adapt and they survive terrible things, 816 00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:47,920 Speaker 2: and you will survive this. The wound right now is 817 00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,480 Speaker 2: so raw and it's so painful, and you are you 818 00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,360 Speaker 2: are at the beginning of a very long journey, but 819 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,520 Speaker 2: you have no choice but to make this journey. At 820 00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:58,239 Speaker 2: the beginning, you are going to be angry. You're going 821 00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,239 Speaker 2: to be resentful and annoyed and frustrated by the fact 822 00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:03,560 Speaker 2: you have to make this journey. You're gonna maybe sit 823 00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:05,719 Speaker 2: and cry for a few days on the side of 824 00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:08,160 Speaker 2: the mountain. But then slowly you'll get in a groove 825 00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:10,760 Speaker 2: and you'll start noticing things that are nice about the journey, 826 00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,520 Speaker 2: and you'll realize it's actually really teaching you things and 827 00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,319 Speaker 2: strengthening you. And pretty soon you'll just be on the 828 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:19,320 Speaker 2: journey for you. Like the beginning is frustrating and it's hard, 829 00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:22,360 Speaker 2: but you will find someone new. I promise you that 830 00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:24,920 Speaker 2: right now. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the 831 00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:27,799 Speaker 2: next few years, but you will and you'll realize how 832 00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:32,440 Speaker 2: special this time of knowing yourself really was. Remember again, 833 00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:35,320 Speaker 2: there are people who marry their version of the person 834 00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:37,959 Speaker 2: that you just broke up with, and they avoid short 835 00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:40,880 Speaker 2: term pain for a dissatisfaction that catches up what the 836 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:44,280 Speaker 2: years later. So you have done your future self a huge, 837 00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:48,400 Speaker 2: huge favor. You have endured the pain for them now 838 00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:51,560 Speaker 2: and I do believe a big lover is coming for you. 839 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:54,120 Speaker 2: And love also comes in so many forms. Maybe right 840 00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:56,759 Speaker 2: now this is not the period in your life for 841 00:47:56,880 --> 00:48:00,919 Speaker 2: romantic love. It's the period for platonic love, or familiar love, 842 00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:05,640 Speaker 2: or love from a pet, or love from strangers. Romantic 843 00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:09,320 Speaker 2: love in other people's lives looks really great from the outside, 844 00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:12,560 Speaker 2: and often we idealize what they have. But it is hard, 845 00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:16,600 Speaker 2: it is challenging, and it takes work. And so there 846 00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:18,680 Speaker 2: will come a time when you will have to prioritize that, 847 00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:20,959 Speaker 2: when you will have to make sacrifices for someone else, 848 00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,400 Speaker 2: when you will have the joy of being in romantic 849 00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:28,240 Speaker 2: love again. But until then, this is a beautiful period 850 00:48:28,360 --> 00:48:31,279 Speaker 2: where you can love yourself, you can love others. Take 851 00:48:31,320 --> 00:48:34,359 Speaker 2: it for what it is. This chapter is just as 852 00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:38,680 Speaker 2: important as any other chapter. Final question, what do you 853 00:48:38,719 --> 00:48:41,919 Speaker 2: do when your ex has moved on? This is super tough, 854 00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,279 Speaker 2: and I know it's tough because this has happened to 855 00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:48,720 Speaker 2: me in every single relationship I've been in. Within three months, 856 00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,040 Speaker 2: the person I have dated is with someone you, and 857 00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,560 Speaker 2: I have never been with someone you when that has 858 00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:58,080 Speaker 2: happened and has been always been painful. I now consider 859 00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:02,319 Speaker 2: it an absolute blessing. I consider I consider it just 860 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,840 Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for it because it is the universe 861 00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:07,040 Speaker 2: closing the door for me by putting someone else in 862 00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:12,600 Speaker 2: my way. And I just think that lucky them. Congrats 863 00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,160 Speaker 2: to them. They found someone else. Maybe it's a rebound, 864 00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:19,160 Speaker 2: maybe it's not. It's indicative that you are taking time 865 00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:22,200 Speaker 2: to heal and to do the work, and they're probably 866 00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:27,239 Speaker 2: not doing that. If someone has rebounded almost immediately after you, 867 00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,520 Speaker 2: guys have broken up, they're not over it. They're not fine, 868 00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:34,759 Speaker 2: they are not okay. This is a distraction, and you 869 00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:38,040 Speaker 2: could be in a relationship if you wanted, like very easily. 870 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,680 Speaker 2: You could easily be in a relationship if you settled 871 00:49:41,719 --> 00:49:44,200 Speaker 2: and lowered your standards enough. But you're not doing that. 872 00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:47,239 Speaker 2: You're doing the hard work, and that is that is 873 00:49:47,320 --> 00:49:50,839 Speaker 2: an investment that pays off in dividends. I have an 874 00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,560 Speaker 2: episode on this titled your ex Moved On Now What? 875 00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:56,759 Speaker 2: I would really recommend that you listen to that episode 876 00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,719 Speaker 2: in general. I also have another episode titled how to 877 00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:02,160 Speaker 2: get a for someone you can't stop thinking about. That 878 00:50:02,239 --> 00:50:05,640 Speaker 2: I think is really good for these situations. But all 879 00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:07,520 Speaker 2: in all, if you have just ended a long term 880 00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:10,200 Speaker 2: relationship in your twenties, I feel you, I see you. 881 00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:12,960 Speaker 2: I know it is so difficult. I know that it 882 00:50:13,080 --> 00:50:17,960 Speaker 2: is probably so disorientating. Right now you're holding these two 883 00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:21,160 Speaker 2: versions of yourself in either hand and trying to figure 884 00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:24,480 Speaker 2: out who you were before, who you are now, who 885 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,600 Speaker 2: you want to be. But you will get there, and 886 00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:30,319 Speaker 2: this is a beautiful chapter in your life. And one 887 00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,160 Speaker 2: day you were going to be sleeping next to someone 888 00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:35,440 Speaker 2: that you love and they're going to be snoring, and 889 00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:37,960 Speaker 2: the bed's going to be too small, and your kids 890 00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,640 Speaker 2: are going to be screaming, and you'll just want one 891 00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:44,560 Speaker 2: more night alone, exactly how you are right now. So 892 00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:48,960 Speaker 2: appreciate it, be grateful for it. Know that love is 893 00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:50,600 Speaker 2: going to come for you. It's going to find you, 894 00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,040 Speaker 2: and in the meantime, love yourself enough for that to 895 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,239 Speaker 2: be enough, love yourself enough for that to fill the 896 00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:00,399 Speaker 2: void and to feel what was perhaps left by this 897 00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:04,200 Speaker 2: previous person. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. I 898 00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:07,680 Speaker 2: hope that it brought you some peace, some clarity, some answers, 899 00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,920 Speaker 2: some cool facts. If nothing else, share it with a 900 00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:13,000 Speaker 2: friend who you think may be able to resonate. Or 901 00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:16,360 Speaker 2: share it to Instagram story. I love seeing where everyone 902 00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:19,080 Speaker 2: is listening from. Make sure that you are following along 903 00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:22,440 Speaker 2: on Instagram at that Psychology podcast if you want to 904 00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:25,400 Speaker 2: be able to send in your own listener questions. You 905 00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:30,040 Speaker 2: guys had some fantastic questions today. They were so good, 906 00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:33,280 Speaker 2: so fun to answer. But until next time, stay safe, 907 00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:37,320 Speaker 2: be kind, be gentle with yourself, and love you. Good luck, 908 00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:39,560 Speaker 2: and we will talk very very soon