Speaker 1: And I think that idea of being around yourself is
Speaker 1: becoming stronger and stronger in the world because we are
Speaker 1: in more demand of the people around us. You're always
Speaker 1: reachable on your phone, someone can always find you wherever
Speaker 1: you are, Someone's always emailing you at any point in
Speaker 1: the day, and so there's very few times in the
Speaker 1: day now that we actually have time to ourselves, and
Speaker 1: that time to ourselfs actually fuels and powers all the
Speaker 1: time we spend with everyone else. Hey, everyone, welcome back
Speaker 1: to on Purpose. It is twenty twenty two, and you
Speaker 1: have turned up. It has been phenomenal to see hundreds
Speaker 1: of thousands of you, millions of you listening to on
Speaker 1: Purpose every day and every week. And I can tell
Speaker 1: that each and every one of you want to make
Speaker 1: twenty twenty two a different year. I can see it already.
Speaker 1: I can see the reviews. I can see the way
Speaker 1: you're listening. I can see the way you're turning up.
Speaker 1: I see you posting one Instagram, and I can see
Speaker 1: that you've dedicated, committed, invested to make twenty twenty two
Speaker 1: better than last year. Now I'm sitting here right now
Speaker 1: in the room I grew up in, in my parents'
Speaker 1: home in London. I'm getting back to la very very soon.
Speaker 1: I've just been visiting, spending time with family, spending time
Speaker 1: with friends, seeing people that I haven't seen in a
Speaker 1: very long time, and it's really been a beautiful experience
Speaker 1: to reconnect with some of the most important relationships in
Speaker 1: my life, whether it's my best man, some of my
Speaker 1: closest friends growing up, of course, my mother and my sister,
Speaker 1: my in laws, and our beautiful family that we have here.
Speaker 1: And as I'm reconnecting, one of the things I realize
Speaker 1: is that year upon year we forget that we have
Speaker 1: to reconnect even with the people that we live with.
Speaker 1: We have to reconnect even with the people that we
Speaker 1: see often. We have to renew, we have to revive,
Speaker 1: we have to create an energy that makes a space
Speaker 1: where we can flourish and everyone around us can thrive.
Speaker 1: And often in our loving relationships, in our romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: things just continue to be the same, and this is
Speaker 1: our hope. We almost hope that they stay the same.
Speaker 1: I know all of you that had an amazing twenty
Speaker 1: twenty one with a partner are saying, I really hope
Speaker 1: twenty twenty two goes the same. And then for those
Speaker 1: of you who are not in a relationship, I'm sure
Speaker 1: you're thinking, well, I hope I can find someone this year.
Speaker 1: I hope I can meet someone this year. But in
Speaker 1: both those cases, if you do the same thing as
Speaker 1: you did last year, things will not stay the same.
Speaker 1: See when you do the same thing every single year
Speaker 1: in the same approach, it doesn't sustain something because at
Speaker 1: one point, your energy, your enthusiasm starts to dip, and
Speaker 1: so the reward starts to dip as well. It is
Speaker 1: so important to revive, to renew, to re energize the
Speaker 1: relationships that matter in our life. Today, I want to
Speaker 1: share with you the intentions, the practices that we need
Speaker 1: in our relationships. Now, whether you're single or whether you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship, you can apply this to your romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: your professional relationships, your personal relationships. It truly grows across
Speaker 1: the broad But I am also going to be speaking
Speaker 1: about romantic and love based relationships because I think that's
Speaker 1: sometimes where we need it the most, and those are
Speaker 1: the relationships that have the biggest impact on our lives
Speaker 1: because we're with that person every single day or seeing
Speaker 1: them regularly at least, so let's start with number one.
Speaker 1: The first thing I'm going to say that you want
Speaker 1: to do the relationship that matters in your life. And
Speaker 1: this applies to your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend,
Speaker 1: whoever it is is weekly checkens. Now, I know this
Speaker 1: sounds corporate, it sounds professional, it sounds very un relationship
Speaker 1: love like. Well, here's the truth. It is very busy
Speaker 1: during the week. I'm sure you feel that you don't
Speaker 1: even get to some time to yourself, let alone time
Speaker 1: with your partner. You're rushing around, you're doing the chores,
Speaker 1: you're taking the kids here and there, You're, you know,
Speaker 1: just immersed in your own life. And the idea that
Speaker 1: someone is going to every day, sit down, be present
Speaker 1: listen to me. In today's world, I actually think it's
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure. And often I'll hear clients say
Speaker 1: to me, oh, but she doesn't have time on a
Speaker 1: daily basis, and I ask them more, how much time
Speaker 1: do you have? And they say, well, I might have
Speaker 1: at least fifteen minutes, And I think, well, the mind
Speaker 1: space that it takes to be present for someone else
Speaker 1: for fifteen minutes when we all don't have fifteen minutes
Speaker 1: for ourselves makes it really difficult to bring someone's energy there. Right.
Speaker 1: If you imagine that you've been on one hundred miles
Speaker 1: per hour at work, you've been on one hundred miles
Speaker 1: per hour at home, and all of a sudden someone saying, well,
Speaker 1: can you just slow down and spend fifteen minutes with me? Now,
Speaker 1: you may say, well, everyone should be able to do
Speaker 1: that if they love you, and I'm not disagreeing with
Speaker 1: that as one of your values. But what I am
Speaker 1: saying is having a weekly check in takes the pressure
Speaker 1: off on a daily basis and gives the opportunity for
Speaker 1: a deep, meaningful connection, and that's what we're all truly
Speaker 1: looking for. We think what we're looking for is the
Speaker 1: quick fix. As long as we see each other for
Speaker 1: ten minutes a day, everything's gonna be great. But the
Speaker 1: truth is that we miss the depth in that moment.
Speaker 1: We miss the depth in that connection, and the depth
Speaker 1: is really what satisfies us now. A lot of what
Speaker 1: I'm going to be sharing in this episode, including this
Speaker 1: one with the weekly check in, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: dive into it a bit deeper, is this idea of
Speaker 1: sentiment versus systems. A lot of us like to build
Speaker 1: our relationship based on sentiments or sentimentality. If you love me,
Speaker 1: you'll do this. Well, you chose to be with me,
Speaker 1: Well you know if we're in this together. These are
Speaker 1: all sentimental statements. And often our sentiments make us wait
Speaker 1: for the other person to prove themselves. We're waiting for
Speaker 1: the other person to create a plan of action. We're
Speaker 1: waiting for the other person to say the right thing,
Speaker 1: or do the right thing, or ask the right thing.
Speaker 1: And sentiments lead to disappointments. Sentiments lead to disappointments because
Speaker 1: they have no structure. They are an expectation without a system.
Speaker 1: And so just like a company culture can often have
Speaker 1: too many systems and not enough sentiment. So when I'm
Speaker 1: speaking at a corporate company, I'm recommending that they bring
Speaker 1: in more sentiment. They bring in more of that heart,
Speaker 1: they bring in more of that love, that empathy, the vulnerability,
Speaker 1: that compassion. But often in our personal relationships were so
Speaker 1: deeply ingrained in the sentiments that we haven't created any systems.
Speaker 1: So the creating of a weekly check in is creating
Speaker 1: a system. And in this weekly check in, you could
Speaker 1: answer three questions, and of course you can edit these
Speaker 1: questions as time goes on, what has been your highlight
Speaker 1: of the week, what has been the toughest thing of
Speaker 1: this week? And how can I help you? These three
Speaker 1: questions create such a beautiful foundation on which to build
Speaker 1: a real relationship. When I've done this activity with rather
Speaker 1: in the past and she asks me, what's been your
Speaker 1: highlight this week? Well, I'll say, well, I just interviewed
Speaker 1: this incredible person on the podcast and I can't wait
Speaker 1: for everyone to hear it. And then I did this
Speaker 1: solo episode and I was really in the zone and
Speaker 1: I really connected with my community, and that made me
Speaker 1: feel really excited. And then she'll say, well, what's been
Speaker 1: tough for you? And I'll say, you know what, I've
Speaker 1: just she said a lot on lately, and I'm feeling
Speaker 1: a bit tired. I know I need to get to
Speaker 1: bed a little earlier. I may not have enough energy
Speaker 1: this weekend to do anything too strenuous. I may need
Speaker 1: a relaxing weekend. And she says, well, how can I
Speaker 1: help you? And I say, you know what would really
Speaker 1: help me, It's just you know that this week I'm
Speaker 1: dealing with a lot And if you ever talk to
Speaker 1: me and you approach me and I'm snappy or I
Speaker 1: get triggered. I just want you to know it's not you,
Speaker 1: it's me, and I want you to know that when
Speaker 1: I do act in that way, give me the benefit
Speaker 1: of the doubt and say, hey, cheers this because you've
Speaker 1: got a lot on right now, and chances are I'll
Speaker 1: be able to answer that and just feel really understood,
Speaker 1: and that would really help me. Notice how the help
Speaker 1: I was asking for was not asking her to do something.
Speaker 1: Help doesn't mean can you sort this out for me?
Speaker 1: Can you do this for me? And often what we
Speaker 1: do with our partners is we request physical help, but
Speaker 1: not mental and emotional help. Requesting mental and emotional help
Speaker 1: is far stronger. If I asked Riley, oh, well, can
Speaker 1: you do this chore for me, our partner may end
Speaker 1: up feeling that we just don't want to do our chores,
Speaker 1: Whereas when I say, can you just understand that if
Speaker 1: I do things a bit slower this week or I'm
Speaker 1: a bit late this week, I just want you to
Speaker 1: know why. And I think this is what those weekly
Speaker 1: checkings are about. It's helping your partner understand why you're
Speaker 1: doing things the way you're doing them. Often we're just
Speaker 1: doing things like maybe we haven't cleaned up, or maybe
Speaker 1: we forgot to take the trash out. And if you're
Speaker 1: not having this weekly checking with your partner, your partner
Speaker 1: starts to notice a pattern. They start to think you
Speaker 1: don't care. They may know that you're busy, but you're
Speaker 1: not busy enough to explain why. And that's often what
Speaker 1: our sentiment does. It says, well, you should understand why
Speaker 1: I'm busy. You should know, you should be able to
Speaker 1: see it. That's a sentiment. A system is We're going
Speaker 1: to have a weekly check in where i explain to
Speaker 1: you why I'm doing what I'm doing. So that weekly
Speaker 1: check in, it just takes those three questions. It's really simple,
Speaker 1: and you can do a smaller version before going to
Speaker 1: bed if you like a smaller version of asking similar questions,
Speaker 1: what are you grateful for today? You know, what did
Speaker 1: you struggle with today? And how can I help you tomorrow?
Speaker 1: Even having this conversation before you go to bed can
Speaker 1: create such a beautiful bond between two people. The second
Speaker 1: intention is to plan holidays and vacations in advance. A
Speaker 1: lot of people are getting throughout their year and then
Speaker 1: finally they realize seven months in that they haven't been
Speaker 1: on a vacation, they haven't taken a break, and then
Speaker 1: they're trying to book last minute, and then that gets stressful.
Speaker 1: Then maybe you don't get the hotel you want, the
Speaker 1: flight you want, or the place you want, and then
Speaker 1: there's this kind of discomfort or this disappointment around the
Speaker 1: vacation now that's looming over. Oh, I wish i'd planned it,
Speaker 1: I wish we booked this. Maybe we didn't get the
Speaker 1: right dates. All of those kind of stresses that almost
Speaker 1: make your vacation not feel like a vacation. So what
Speaker 1: I'd love for you to do is look at the
Speaker 1: arrowhead and in that year, I want you to think
Speaker 1: about where are you planning your major vacation and where
Speaker 1: are you going to take mini breaks? Now, depending on
Speaker 1: your own budget, your own life set up, whatever situation
Speaker 1: you're in, you need to think about having a longer
Speaker 1: vacation for yourself to truly refuel. And I want you
Speaker 1: to consider mini breaks. And when I say a mini break,
Speaker 1: it could be a day, right, it could be just
Speaker 1: driving out of town. It could be two nights, it
Speaker 1: could be a weekend. Whatever is realistic for you. I
Speaker 1: really believe that a mini break, whether it's a day
Speaker 1: or two days every quarter allows for that revival ularly,
Speaker 1: and then having one vacation of maybe five to six
Speaker 1: days seven days can be a really good way of
Speaker 1: reboosting your energy. And when you look at your calendar
Speaker 1: now and you plan this in advance, not only does
Speaker 1: it give you something to look forward to, it ensures
Speaker 1: that you are taking touch points. You are having these
Speaker 1: milestones as a way of reflecting on the year. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we get a Christmas or New Year's and we say,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, the year went so fast, I don't
Speaker 1: even know where it went by, what did I even do?
Speaker 1: And then I think, wow, January is actually a great month,
Speaker 1: but I forgot about it because the last two months
Speaker 1: have been tough. Wow is that what we did in May?
Speaker 1: So if you're quarterly reflecting, reviewing, and renewing, you're keeping
Speaker 1: that positive energy throughout the year. If you had a
Speaker 1: tough couple of months at the beginning of the year
Speaker 1: and you take a mini break, which is a day
Speaker 1: a weekend to do something that is meaningful to you
Speaker 1: and to reflect, to review and to renew, guess what
Speaker 1: the next three months are going to be far more
Speaker 1: filled with positive energy. And now if you have that
Speaker 1: positive energy and then you take another mini break, you're
Speaker 1: going to be able to keep that going. And So
Speaker 1: what I often find is this idea of planning in advance.
Speaker 1: It's something we want to do, but we don't always
Speaker 1: do it because we don't see the value in it.
Speaker 1: We think, oh, yeah, we'll get cheaper prices or cheaper hotels,
Speaker 1: cheaper flights. That's great, that's really important. But even more
Speaker 1: important is figuring out a way that you can keep
Speaker 1: your powerful positive energy maintained throughout the year. I always
Speaker 1: really like us to start focusing on protecting the mind.
Speaker 1: I know we focused on protecting the pocket, which is
Speaker 1: really important, but it's also really important to protect the mind.
Speaker 1: And often we forego the protection of the mind because
Speaker 1: we're too obsessed with all the physical aspects. Now, this
Speaker 1: one really really made an impact when I started researching it.
Speaker 1: We have to establish new responsibilities and new division of labor,
Speaker 1: division of chores around the house. This study from the
Speaker 1: Pew Reset Center said that for American couples, gender gaps
Speaker 1: in sharing household responsibilities persist amid the pandemic as of October,
Speaker 1: fifty five percent of men say they are very satisfied
Speaker 1: with this aspect of their relationship, compared with thirty eight
Speaker 1: percent of women. And that is the way household chores
Speaker 1: are divided, So men seem to be happy with the
Speaker 1: way they divided. Women don't. And another area where gender
Speaker 1: patterns have shifted is in views about how well spouses
Speaker 1: or partners are balancing work and personal life. Among married
Speaker 1: or cohabiting adults with a working spouse or partner, men
Speaker 1: forty eight percent are more likely than women forty percent
Speaker 1: to be very satisfied with this aspect of their relationship.
Speaker 1: So what I find is interesting about the division of
Speaker 1: labor and division of chores in the home is this
Speaker 1: idea that it's really easy to get st in our
Speaker 1: ways and think, oh, yeah, but you've always done that, right,
Speaker 1: I've always done this, And I think it's imperative that
Speaker 1: you sit down with your partner and you redefine chores,
Speaker 1: redefined responsibilities. This would happen in a job too, and
Speaker 1: this is healthy in a job too. It's figuring out, well,
Speaker 1: what are we going to do new this year? What
Speaker 1: are we doing next this year? And if you don't
Speaker 1: have this conversation, chances are that someone could be in
Speaker 1: the home feeling used, feeling undervalued, And that's really what
Speaker 1: we're focusing on here, is you don't want to let
Speaker 1: someone feel that for too long a time. And I
Speaker 1: know that Riley and I we've been back in London
Speaker 1: and we haven't seen much of each other over the
Speaker 1: last three weeks because she's been catching up with her parents,
Speaker 1: I've been with mine, and I know that when we
Speaker 1: get back to la the number one thing I want
Speaker 1: to do is re established like what we want to create,
Speaker 1: what we want to do, how I can be helpful,
Speaker 1: how I can be useful to her, And I know
Speaker 1: what that does is that creates this injection of strength
Speaker 1: and excitement within a relationship. The fourth step is make
Speaker 1: sure you discuss alone time. A lot of the time,
Speaker 1: when we want alone time, we make time for it. Well,
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't even make time for it.
Speaker 1: So first of all, this is the year where I
Speaker 1: want you to make sure you make time for yourself
Speaker 1: because during the pandemic, of course we're all locked in,
Speaker 1: we're in the same space. I think alone time decreased massively.
Speaker 1: And the thing about alone time, especially for someone who's
Speaker 1: more reserved. It's highly rejuvenating. We've known for a long
Speaker 1: time that extrats get their energy from being around people,
Speaker 1: but introverts get their energy from being around themselves. And
Speaker 1: I think that idea of being around yourself is becoming
Speaker 1: stronger and stronger in the world because we are in
Speaker 1: more demand of the people around us. You're always reachable
Speaker 1: on your phone, someone can always find you wherever you are.
Speaker 1: Someone's always emailing you at any point in the day,
Speaker 1: and so there's very few times in the day now
Speaker 1: that we actually have time to ourself, and that time
Speaker 1: to ourself actually fuels empowers all the time we spend
Speaker 1: with everyone else. So if we sometimes feel that we're
Speaker 1: always agitated, stress, distracted, not focused, it's because of how
Speaker 1: we spend the time when we're by ourself. That time,
Speaker 1: whether it's used for meditation, whether it's used for reading
Speaker 1: a book, whether it's used for just being present with ourself,
Speaker 1: is so powerful. But here's the thing. If you're taking
Speaker 1: it without explaining it to your partner, chances are they're
Speaker 1: feeling like you don't want to spend time with them
Speaker 1: when that isn't the case. Hopefully the case is it's
Speaker 1: not that I don't want to spend time with you,
Speaker 1: It's that I prioritize spending time with myself for this
Speaker 1: much time. Notice how those are two different things. I'm
Speaker 1: being pulled by the attraction to spend time with myself
Speaker 1: rather than pushed away from being with my partner. But
Speaker 1: because of our trauma, because of our baggage, because of
Speaker 1: our past, A lot of the time time when that
Speaker 1: happens in a relationship, a person in their own insecurity
Speaker 1: starts to believe that we don't want to spend time
Speaker 1: with them, that they are less valuable, that they are
Speaker 1: not worthy of our time, that we have something more
Speaker 1: important to do. It isn't more important, it is central
Speaker 1: to our lives. There's something really interesting. We look at
Speaker 1: things as binary, unimportant or important, but really it's circles
Speaker 1: degrees of focus in our life. If we don't focus
Speaker 1: on ourselves, what do we have to give to anyone else?
Speaker 1: And our alone time brings us up and our confidence
Speaker 1: up to come back to say, hey, here's what I
Speaker 1: learned today, here's what I did today, here's what I
Speaker 1: experienced today. And so as much as we need to
Speaker 1: discuss alone tim, we also need to discuss and plan
Speaker 1: together time. And I think that's the point that often
Speaker 1: we don't do either we default into spending time with
Speaker 1: ourselves or we default into spending time together. And the
Speaker 1: idea is that more that we can be intentional about, Hey,
Speaker 1: here's what I'm doing this week. Let me let you
Speaker 1: know when I'm doing it. So me and rather you
Speaker 1: have this where she will tell me if she's planning
Speaker 1: a girl's night or hanging out with the friends, or
Speaker 1: even spending time alone, and she'll say, look, Tuesdays my night.
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, fine, tuesdays to night. I'm
Speaker 1: going to try and spend time with my friends too.
Speaker 1: That way we can be together on Wednesday. And I
Speaker 1: think a ratio that's really worked for me and her
Speaker 1: is that I know that one day a week I
Speaker 1: need to spend time alone, and she kind of feels
Speaker 1: the same that one evening a week she needs to
Speaker 1: spend alone. Now, there may be two nights a week
Speaker 1: that we spend together, right, So that's three nights out
Speaker 1: of the week, and we're going to plan those. And
Speaker 1: then there are about two nights that we may spend
Speaker 1: with collective friends, right, seeing people that we know and love,
Speaker 1: and that could be family too, And that takes you
Speaker 1: to five and there's still two nights left. Those two
Speaker 1: nights can be mixed. So you want to create a
Speaker 1: ratio of time spend together, time spent alone, time spent
Speaker 1: with the same friends, and time spent with our own friends.
Speaker 1: So I may see my own friends once a week,
Speaker 1: I may see myself once a week. I'm seeing rather
Speaker 1: maybe two to probably three evenings a week, and then
Speaker 1: we still have two evenings to spend time with friends.
Speaker 1: Create a ratio of your evenings. It really helps you
Speaker 1: define the amount of quality time you're getting together. And
Speaker 1: then you want to define the activity as well. You
Speaker 1: don't want to just say we're going to look for
Speaker 1: something to watch if you haven't found something to watch.
Speaker 1: Do not go down that road. It used to upset
Speaker 1: me so much when we try and spend a night
Speaker 1: and one and a half hours We'll be trying to
Speaker 1: pick something to watch, and I'd think, well, I would
Speaker 1: have actually preferred if you read a book. I read
Speaker 1: a book, and then we just shared what we learned. Actually,
Speaker 1: what I'd prefer is if we watched a workshop together
Speaker 1: or a seminar or an interview or a podcast together. Actually,
Speaker 1: what I probably would have preferred is if we just
Speaker 1: went on a walk together, if that was possible, Just
Speaker 1: going on a walk together, doing something health and wellness
Speaker 1: based together can be so powerful. The next point is
Speaker 1: is a really interesting one. Choose questions you want to
Speaker 1: be asked and the ones you want to answer. For
Speaker 1: a long time, when I first got married to Rather,
Speaker 1: she'd always ask me how did your day go? And
Speaker 1: my response would always be like, I really don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about my day, Like I really don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about that. That's not what I want to
Speaker 1: focus on. And what I found is that reaction and
Speaker 1: response led to rally asking less and less questions, to
Speaker 1: the point that then I was like, well, don't you
Speaker 1: care about me? Now? Notice how it was my response
Speaker 1: and reaction that created that. But then the ego and
Speaker 1: the mind say, well, if you cared about me, you'd
Speaker 1: know the right question to ask, and you should have
Speaker 1: known what I meant by that. But the truth is,
Speaker 1: no one knows what you meant by that. They get
Speaker 1: scared that every time they ask you about something you
Speaker 1: look upset, so now they stop doing it. So one
Speaker 1: of the things I recommend to a lot of my
Speaker 1: clients is choose the question you want to be asked
Speaker 1: at the end of the day and inform your partner.
Speaker 1: Educate your partner with that question, right, educate your partner
Speaker 1: with that question. So I'll give an example some of
Speaker 1: the questions I don't like answering, how was your day?
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy that question. Personally, what do you want
Speaker 1: for dinner? I don't enjoy that question. One of the
Speaker 1: things I've always said to Rad is make whatever you want.
Speaker 1: You're amazing. I will eat it, and I will be
Speaker 1: happy and I'll be satisfied. Do not need to ask me,
Speaker 1: because if you ask me, I'm going to choose something
Speaker 1: unhealthy and I'm going to make it complicated. I'd rather
Speaker 1: live a healthy, conscious life right now. With RADI sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll say, too, well, you know, tell me a bit
Speaker 1: about this amazing opportunity you have, or tell me about this,
Speaker 1: or should we talk about what you've been up to
Speaker 1: on social media? And she said, well, no, I don't
Speaker 1: really want to talk about that with you, Like, that's
Speaker 1: not what I want to talk about. So it's really
Speaker 1: healthy because I think I'm being helpful. I think i'm
Speaker 1: actually supporting her, but actually it's not what she wants.
Speaker 1: That's not the kind of support she wants. So we
Speaker 1: really have to educate our partners in the questions we
Speaker 1: don't want to be asked, and we don't have to
Speaker 1: take that personally or feel they're hiding something. It's the
Speaker 1: idea that that triggers something uncomfortable in them, or they're
Speaker 1: just tired and don't want to talk about it. So
Speaker 1: then what do we want to talk about? What questions
Speaker 1: do we like being asked? I think one of the
Speaker 1: biggest questions I like being asked is it's something you've
Speaker 1: learned this week. I really like that question because it
Speaker 1: helps me mine well, let me think about it. Who
Speaker 1: did I meet this week? Who did I interview this week?
Speaker 1: What did I read this week? And I love being
Speaker 1: able to reflect on that because I can often forget
Speaker 1: that right. And Radley loves asking questions about what she's
Speaker 1: grateful for what she's learned as well. Notice how these
Speaker 1: are really powerful, practical, simple steps that you can put
Speaker 1: into place whoever you are, wherever you are in any relationship.
Speaker 1: This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. You can do
Speaker 1: this in the workplace. You can do this with family,
Speaker 1: but it's about establishing systems over sentiments. Do not live
Speaker 1: your life trying to just sentimentally create a good space.
Speaker 1: Most likely it will not survive. It's the systems that survive.
Speaker 1: So what's fascinating to me in the next step is
Speaker 1: that studies show that going to bed at the same
Speaker 1: time is extremely important for a relationship. And this, to
Speaker 1: me is one of those hidden underrated elements. Now, when
Speaker 1: I met Rady with someone who's always woken up early
Speaker 1: and slept early, I'm someone who's generally woken up early
Speaker 1: or early ish compared to her, But my sleep term's
Speaker 1: kind of been varied, right, like some days I'll sleep late,
Speaker 1: some days I'll sleep early. This is before we started
Speaker 1: living together, and RADI was the one who's saying, well,
Speaker 1: why don't you sleep earlier. We'll be able to meditate more,
Speaker 1: we'll be able to be fresh. Show you know, why
Speaker 1: don't we go to sleep at the same time. And
Speaker 1: I didn't actually realize the benefit of this at the time.
Speaker 1: At the time, it completely didn't recognize what was happening.
Speaker 1: And now when I look at all the studies, all
Speaker 1: the studies show that couples who go to sleep at
Speaker 1: the same time have healthier relationships. A survey carried out
Speaker 1: as shown the stats as regards to the number of
Speaker 1: American couples who go to bed together. This study reveals
Speaker 1: at about sixty percent of American couples sleep together. Really,
Speaker 1: what this does is that it creates a point of connection. Right.
Speaker 1: It creates a point of connection and gives you the
Speaker 1: opportunity to resolve differences. It also gives the idea of
Speaker 1: that we're connected. Right, we haven't done anything together today,
Speaker 1: We probably haven't even had time to eat together. But actually,
Speaker 1: this time together allows us to feel connected. It allows
Speaker 1: us to feel intimate. Marriage dot Com says that research
Speaker 1: shows that couples will fall asleep together tend to experience
Speaker 1: better rem sleep than couples who may not have this
Speaker 1: as a habit. M Rapid eye movement sleep is one
Speaker 1: of the four sleep stages in which the eyes move
Speaker 1: rapidly behind closed eyelids. During this stage, brain activity is
Speaker 1: at its peak, and the brain also works actively to
Speaker 1: replenish itself. Amazing, right that by going to sleep at
Speaker 1: the same time as your partner, we're feeling that deep
Speaker 1: asleep as well. So I want you to really think
Speaker 1: about that. I know you'd rather watch TV, you need
Speaker 1: to catch up on work, I know all of those things.
Speaker 1: But what if this was going to be the thing
Speaker 1: that improved your relationship and, by the way, improved your health.
Speaker 1: If you can get to bed earlier together, that is
Speaker 1: going to create such an amazing routine. And routine leads
Speaker 1: to a rhythm, and rhythm is what creates spontaneity. First,
Speaker 1: we have to start with structures, start with systems, Start
Speaker 1: with routine. That routine creates a rhythm. We're going to
Speaker 1: bed together every day. We can now create a routine
Speaker 1: around it. We can create a beautiful practice around that,
Speaker 1: and then that leads to spontaneity and excitement. Creating an
Speaker 1: evening routine that you share together just before bed is
Speaker 1: such a beautiful and powerful thing. One of my favorite
Speaker 1: things is I get Rady to This sounds terrible now,
Speaker 1: but it's one of my favorite things to do. I'll
Speaker 1: get Raley to cleanse my face, show she has all
Speaker 1: of her stuff, and I'm like, okay, okay, dear to me,
Speaker 1: And it's just one of those things that we laugh about.
Speaker 1: Should be a complete kid about it and you know,
Speaker 1: put it all over my hair and beard and all
Speaker 1: the rest of it. But it's just the idea of
Speaker 1: it creates playfulness and creating evening routine together can be really,
Speaker 1: really truly powerful. Now, the final intention that I want
Speaker 1: to share with you is something that requires really no
Speaker 1: change apart from a few words today. How you say
Speaker 1: goodbye and how you say good morning, how you say
Speaker 1: good night, and how you say good love matters. It
Speaker 1: truly matters. How you share those beginning and ending moments matter.
Speaker 1: If you could raise your game just for those two
Speaker 1: words good night, good morning, if you could be conscious
Speaker 1: instead of eighty percent of us look at our phones
Speaker 1: first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.
Speaker 1: After we see our partners at night and before we
Speaker 1: see them in the morning, our phone gets more FaceTime
Speaker 1: than the people we love the most. What if you
Speaker 1: turned over and said a beautiful good morning. What if
Speaker 1: you turned over and said a beautiful good night. What
Speaker 1: if every time we say goodbye before work that there
Speaker 1: was presence, attention and love in your eyes? How different
Speaker 1: would that feel. I make it a point that no
Speaker 1: matter where I am in the house, if I'm leaving
Speaker 1: the house, I have to go up to rather give
Speaker 1: her a kiss and say hey, I love you. I'll
Speaker 1: see in a few hours. I have to do that
Speaker 1: because I just really feel that I would regret it
Speaker 1: if I didn't, but also because it creates this beautiful,
Speaker 1: beautiful connection and it just takes ten seconds, twenty seconds.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode.
Speaker 1: I am so grateful to each and every one of
Speaker 1: you for the love that you give on purpose these
Speaker 1: solos for me. I hope that you're enjoying them. I'm
Speaker 1: really putting on my heart and soul into really mining
Speaker 1: the things that I'm working on with clients, the things
Speaker 1: behind the scenes that you may not hear about, and
Speaker 1: giving you really practical insights and tips and tools that
Speaker 1: you can practice and actually implement into your lives. And
Speaker 1: I think I see that because I see all the
Speaker 1: incredible reviews that you're all leaving, and I want to
Speaker 1: a few for you, because hey, this is why I
Speaker 1: do this. So this is from MW a work of art.
Speaker 1: Jay not only saved my life but also my relationship
Speaker 1: with my partner. I value his episode with guests, but
Speaker 1: I listen a little extra and his solo episodes He
Speaker 1: is a part of my mindful moments, and he changed
Speaker 1: my life. I've been listening since the beginning, and I
Speaker 1: was only a sophomore in high school. This is still
Speaker 1: the only podcast I've been able to consistently listen to.
Speaker 1: I feel like he's my good friend who always knows
Speaker 1: just what to say to make me feel better and
Speaker 1: see things the way I need in that moment. He
Speaker 1: breaks things down so I can make small changes in
Speaker 1: my life that make a major difference. His book is
Speaker 1: also phenomenal, and I've read it twice and got something
Speaker 1: different out of it each time. Thank you for changing
Speaker 1: my life. Wow, Wow, I am blown away. I just
Speaker 1: found that now. Literally I opened up the app and
Speaker 1: I'm looking through. I am so grateful. This one is
Speaker 1: from Antoinette Powell, getting to the heart of the matter.
Speaker 1: That is what this podcast does. As painful or unpleasant
Speaker 1: as it was to answer the nine questions with thoughtfulness
Speaker 1: and honesty, it was also liberating. He's guiding your way
Speaker 1: from New Year's resolutions and towards ongoing improvement of how
Speaker 1: you think and make decisions, with the likelihood of much
Speaker 1: better outcomes and quality of life. Thank you, Jay, God
Speaker 1: bless you for delivering such powerful and life changing perspectives.
Speaker 1: Thank you. These are really melting my heart. It's been
Speaker 1: a while since I've opened these and read them, especially
Speaker 1: live on a podcast. This one's from Matt B. I
Speaker 1: love this. Please leave your names so that I can
Speaker 1: shout you out. This is Matt B. Jay just started
Speaker 1: listening to your content. I want to say thank you
Speaker 1: for verbally giving shape to the things I was too
Speaker 1: tentative or scared to acknowledge. Love, launch and learn resonated
Speaker 1: with me as a new entrepreneur and father of three.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in open water without direction.
Speaker 1: Your latest podcast gave me confidence in what I am
Speaker 1: doing and why I'm doing it. Thank you and have
Speaker 1: a great twenty twenty two and beyond. I mean, there
Speaker 1: are so many more here that I want to read
Speaker 1: and that I want to share. But please give your names.
Speaker 1: I love being able to give you a shout out.
Speaker 1: And by the way, if you see me, this happened
Speaker 1: this week. I bumped into someone who said, Jay, I
Speaker 1: listened to you on the podcast and you said if
Speaker 1: you see me, come and give me a big hug.
Speaker 1: And they did that, and it made me so happy,
Speaker 1: and so that applies to each and everyone. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, everyone sending so much love your way, have
Speaker 1: an amazing week, and I'll see you again next week