WEBVTT - 7 Relationship Intentions to Manifest Love in 2022 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.840 And I think that idea of being around yourself is 0:00:03.880 --> 0:00:06.240 becoming stronger and stronger in the world because we are 0:00:06.320 --> 0:00:08.920 in more demand of the people around us. You're always 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:12.320 reachable on your phone, someone can always find you wherever 0:00:12.360 --> 0:00:15.960 you are, Someone's always emailing you at any point in 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:18.319 the day, and so there's very few times in the 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:21.159 day now that we actually have time to ourselves, and 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:24.239 that time to ourselfs actually fuels and powers all the 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:33.240 time we spend with everyone else. Hey, everyone, welcome back 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:38.160 to on Purpose. It is twenty twenty two, and you 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:44.320 have turned up. It has been phenomenal to see hundreds 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:47.400 of thousands of you, millions of you listening to on 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:51.360 Purpose every day and every week. And I can tell 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:53.720 that each and every one of you want to make 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:58.400 twenty twenty two a different year. I can see it already. 0:00:58.440 --> 0:01:00.840 I can see the reviews. I can see the way 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:02.960 you're listening. I can see the way you're turning up. 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:05.759 I see you posting one Instagram, and I can see 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:10.560 that you've dedicated, committed, invested to make twenty twenty two 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:15.600 better than last year. Now I'm sitting here right now 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:18.600 in the room I grew up in, in my parents' 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:21.960 home in London. I'm getting back to la very very soon. 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.960 I've just been visiting, spending time with family, spending time 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:28.680 with friends, seeing people that I haven't seen in a 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:32.920 very long time, and it's really been a beautiful experience 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:36.000 to reconnect with some of the most important relationships in 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:38.240 my life, whether it's my best man, some of my 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:42.000 closest friends growing up, of course, my mother and my sister, 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:46.760 my in laws, and our beautiful family that we have here. 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:52.000 And as I'm reconnecting, one of the things I realize 0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:57.920 is that year upon year we forget that we have 0:01:58.040 --> 0:02:01.840 to reconnect even with the people that we live with. 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:05.840 We have to reconnect even with the people that we 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:11.079 see often. We have to renew, we have to revive, 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:17.480 we have to create an energy that makes a space 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:21.920 where we can flourish and everyone around us can thrive. 0:02:22.560 --> 0:02:27.400 And often in our loving relationships, in our romantic relationships, 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:32.640 things just continue to be the same, and this is 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:35.200 our hope. We almost hope that they stay the same. 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:37.239 I know all of you that had an amazing twenty 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.359 twenty one with a partner are saying, I really hope 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:43.280 twenty twenty two goes the same. And then for those 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.839 of you who are not in a relationship, I'm sure 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:47.799 you're thinking, well, I hope I can find someone this year. 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.200 I hope I can meet someone this year. But in 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:53.680 both those cases, if you do the same thing as 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:57.480 you did last year, things will not stay the same. 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:02.399 See when you do the same thing every single year 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:07.600 in the same approach, it doesn't sustain something because at 0:03:07.639 --> 0:03:12.560 one point, your energy, your enthusiasm starts to dip, and 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:15.320 so the reward starts to dip as well. It is 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:19.400 so important to revive, to renew, to re energize the 0:03:19.520 --> 0:03:22.280 relationships that matter in our life. Today, I want to 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:26.040 share with you the intentions, the practices that we need 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:29.359 in our relationships. Now, whether you're single or whether you're 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:32.080 in a relationship, you can apply this to your romantic relationships, 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:36.520 your professional relationships, your personal relationships. It truly grows across 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.280 the broad But I am also going to be speaking 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:43.320 about romantic and love based relationships because I think that's 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:45.800 sometimes where we need it the most, and those are 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:48.960 the relationships that have the biggest impact on our lives 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:52.560 because we're with that person every single day or seeing 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:57.000 them regularly at least, so let's start with number one. 0:03:57.480 --> 0:03:59.120 The first thing I'm going to say that you want 0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:01.840 to do the relationship that matters in your life. And 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:04.440 this applies to your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:09.480 whoever it is is weekly checkens. Now, I know this 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:15.880 sounds corporate, it sounds professional, it sounds very un relationship 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:20.400 love like. Well, here's the truth. It is very busy 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:22.920 during the week. I'm sure you feel that you don't 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:26.200 even get to some time to yourself, let alone time 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.920 with your partner. You're rushing around, you're doing the chores, 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:32.640 you're taking the kids here and there, You're, you know, 0:04:32.800 --> 0:04:36.360 just immersed in your own life. And the idea that 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:42.000 someone is going to every day, sit down, be present 0:04:42.560 --> 0:04:46.080 listen to me. In today's world, I actually think it's 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:48.960 a lot of pressure. And often I'll hear clients say 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:52.640 to me, oh, but she doesn't have time on a 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:56.520 daily basis, and I ask them more, how much time 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:58.159 do you have? And they say, well, I might have 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:00.920 at least fifteen minutes, And I think, well, the mind 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:03.599 space that it takes to be present for someone else 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:08.039 for fifteen minutes when we all don't have fifteen minutes 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:12.880 for ourselves makes it really difficult to bring someone's energy there. Right. 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:15.320 If you imagine that you've been on one hundred miles 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:17.480 per hour at work, you've been on one hundred miles 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:20.000 per hour at home, and all of a sudden someone saying, well, 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.560 can you just slow down and spend fifteen minutes with me? Now, 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:24.279 you may say, well, everyone should be able to do 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:27.360 that if they love you, and I'm not disagreeing with 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:29.840 that as one of your values. But what I am 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:32.960 saying is having a weekly check in takes the pressure 0:05:33.000 --> 0:05:36.120 off on a daily basis and gives the opportunity for 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:39.920 a deep, meaningful connection, and that's what we're all truly 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.000 looking for. We think what we're looking for is the 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:43.640 quick fix. As long as we see each other for 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:45.640 ten minutes a day, everything's gonna be great. But the 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:48.719 truth is that we miss the depth in that moment. 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.800 We miss the depth in that connection, and the depth 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:56.320 is really what satisfies us now. A lot of what 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:59.240 I'm going to be sharing in this episode, including this 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:00.919 one with the weekly check in, and I'm going to 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:04.600 dive into it a bit deeper, is this idea of 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:10.880 sentiment versus systems. A lot of us like to build 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:16.760 our relationship based on sentiments or sentimentality. If you love me, 0:06:16.880 --> 0:06:19.440 you'll do this. Well, you chose to be with me, 0:06:19.960 --> 0:06:23.240 Well you know if we're in this together. These are 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:29.119 all sentimental statements. And often our sentiments make us wait 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:32.279 for the other person to prove themselves. We're waiting for 0:06:32.320 --> 0:06:34.400 the other person to create a plan of action. We're 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:36.560 waiting for the other person to say the right thing, 0:06:36.960 --> 0:06:39.240 or do the right thing, or ask the right thing. 0:06:40.120 --> 0:06:47.159 And sentiments lead to disappointments. Sentiments lead to disappointments because 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:52.280 they have no structure. They are an expectation without a system. 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.359 And so just like a company culture can often have 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:59.400 too many systems and not enough sentiment. So when I'm 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:04.560 speaking at a corporate company, I'm recommending that they bring 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:09.000 in more sentiment. They bring in more of that heart, 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:12.560 they bring in more of that love, that empathy, the vulnerability, 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:17.280 that compassion. But often in our personal relationships were so 0:07:17.520 --> 0:07:23.800 deeply ingrained in the sentiments that we haven't created any systems. 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:27.960 So the creating of a weekly check in is creating 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:31.800 a system. And in this weekly check in, you could 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:34.240 answer three questions, and of course you can edit these 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:38.400 questions as time goes on, what has been your highlight 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:41.520 of the week, what has been the toughest thing of 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:46.200 this week? And how can I help you? These three 0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:51.400 questions create such a beautiful foundation on which to build 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:54.720 a real relationship. When I've done this activity with rather 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:58.480 in the past and she asks me, what's been your 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:00.880 highlight this week? Well, I'll say, well, I just interviewed 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:03.680 this incredible person on the podcast and I can't wait 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:05.480 for everyone to hear it. And then I did this 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:07.600 solo episode and I was really in the zone and 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:10.800 I really connected with my community, and that made me 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:13.520 feel really excited. And then she'll say, well, what's been 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:15.920 tough for you? And I'll say, you know what, I've 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:18.320 just she said a lot on lately, and I'm feeling 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:19.800 a bit tired. I know I need to get to 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:23.640 bed a little earlier. I may not have enough energy 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:28.040 this weekend to do anything too strenuous. I may need 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:30.320 a relaxing weekend. And she says, well, how can I 0:08:30.360 --> 0:08:32.640 help you? And I say, you know what would really 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:37.640 help me, It's just you know that this week I'm 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:40.719 dealing with a lot And if you ever talk to 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:42.520 me and you approach me and I'm snappy or I 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:44.480 get triggered. I just want you to know it's not you, 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:48.280 it's me, and I want you to know that when 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:50.160 I do act in that way, give me the benefit 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:52.280 of the doubt and say, hey, cheers this because you've 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:54.720 got a lot on right now, and chances are I'll 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:57.880 be able to answer that and just feel really understood, 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:01.960 and that would really help me. Notice how the help 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:06.000 I was asking for was not asking her to do something. 0:09:06.679 --> 0:09:10.000 Help doesn't mean can you sort this out for me? 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:12.200 Can you do this for me? And often what we 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.680 do with our partners is we request physical help, but 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:21.080 not mental and emotional help. Requesting mental and emotional help 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:23.840 is far stronger. If I asked Riley, oh, well, can 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:26.920 you do this chore for me, our partner may end 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:29.080 up feeling that we just don't want to do our chores, 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:31.480 Whereas when I say, can you just understand that if 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:33.200 I do things a bit slower this week or I'm 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:35.000 a bit late this week, I just want you to 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:38.760 know why. And I think this is what those weekly 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:43.080 checkings are about. It's helping your partner understand why you're 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:46.680 doing things the way you're doing them. Often we're just 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:48.800 doing things like maybe we haven't cleaned up, or maybe 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.520 we forgot to take the trash out. And if you're 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:54.840 not having this weekly checking with your partner, your partner 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.960 starts to notice a pattern. They start to think you 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:00.760 don't care. They may know that you're busy, but you're 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:03.320 not busy enough to explain why. And that's often what 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:06.760 our sentiment does. It says, well, you should understand why 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.480 I'm busy. You should know, you should be able to 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:13.360 see it. That's a sentiment. A system is We're going 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:16.000 to have a weekly check in where i explain to 0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:19.320 you why I'm doing what I'm doing. So that weekly 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:23.439 check in, it just takes those three questions. It's really simple, 0:10:24.280 --> 0:10:27.840 and you can do a smaller version before going to 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:31.600 bed if you like a smaller version of asking similar questions, 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:34.160 what are you grateful for today? You know, what did 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:37.080 you struggle with today? And how can I help you tomorrow? 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:39.880 Even having this conversation before you go to bed can 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:43.720 create such a beautiful bond between two people. The second 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:48.200 intention is to plan holidays and vacations in advance. A 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:51.199 lot of people are getting throughout their year and then 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:53.640 finally they realize seven months in that they haven't been 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:55.920 on a vacation, they haven't taken a break, and then 0:10:55.960 --> 0:10:58.240 they're trying to book last minute, and then that gets stressful. 0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:00.120 Then maybe you don't get the hotel you want, the 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:02.640 flight you want, or the place you want, and then 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:06.520 there's this kind of discomfort or this disappointment around the 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:09.880 vacation now that's looming over. Oh, I wish i'd planned it, 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:11.920 I wish we booked this. Maybe we didn't get the 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:15.840 right dates. All of those kind of stresses that almost 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:19.760 make your vacation not feel like a vacation. So what 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:21.960 I'd love for you to do is look at the 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:26.200 arrowhead and in that year, I want you to think 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:31.920 about where are you planning your major vacation and where 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.560 are you going to take mini breaks? Now, depending on 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:37.280 your own budget, your own life set up, whatever situation 0:11:37.320 --> 0:11:39.680 you're in, you need to think about having a longer 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.959 vacation for yourself to truly refuel. And I want you 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.000 to consider mini breaks. And when I say a mini break, 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:47.040 it could be a day, right, it could be just 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.200 driving out of town. It could be two nights, it 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:53.720 could be a weekend. Whatever is realistic for you. I 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:56.040 really believe that a mini break, whether it's a day 0:11:56.120 --> 0:12:00.400 or two days every quarter allows for that revival ularly, 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.360 and then having one vacation of maybe five to six 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:06.240 days seven days can be a really good way of 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:09.480 reboosting your energy. And when you look at your calendar 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:12.160 now and you plan this in advance, not only does 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.599 it give you something to look forward to, it ensures 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:19.800 that you are taking touch points. You are having these 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.360 milestones as a way of reflecting on the year. Sometimes 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:25.040 we get a Christmas or New Year's and we say, 0:12:25.080 --> 0:12:27.280 oh my gosh, the year went so fast, I don't 0:12:27.280 --> 0:12:29.600 even know where it went by, what did I even do? 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.520 And then I think, wow, January is actually a great month, 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.320 but I forgot about it because the last two months 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:38.480 have been tough. Wow is that what we did in May? 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:45.600 So if you're quarterly reflecting, reviewing, and renewing, you're keeping 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:48.480 that positive energy throughout the year. If you had a 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:50.160 tough couple of months at the beginning of the year 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.439 and you take a mini break, which is a day 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:55.760 a weekend to do something that is meaningful to you 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.840 and to reflect, to review and to renew, guess what 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.960 the next three months are going to be far more 0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:05.040 filled with positive energy. And now if you have that 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.560 positive energy and then you take another mini break, you're 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:10.000 going to be able to keep that going. And So 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:15.520 what I often find is this idea of planning in advance. 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:18.440 It's something we want to do, but we don't always 0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:20.720 do it because we don't see the value in it. 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.080 We think, oh, yeah, we'll get cheaper prices or cheaper hotels, 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:27.360 cheaper flights. That's great, that's really important. But even more 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:32.280 important is figuring out a way that you can keep 0:13:32.800 --> 0:13:36.200 your powerful positive energy maintained throughout the year. I always 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:38.960 really like us to start focusing on protecting the mind. 0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:41.720 I know we focused on protecting the pocket, which is 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:45.360 really important, but it's also really important to protect the mind. 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:50.240 And often we forego the protection of the mind because 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:54.079 we're too obsessed with all the physical aspects. Now, this 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:58.400 one really really made an impact when I started researching it. 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:05.720 We have to establish new responsibilities and new division of labor, 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:09.360 division of chores around the house. This study from the 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.600 Pew Reset Center said that for American couples, gender gaps 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:18.400 in sharing household responsibilities persist amid the pandemic as of October, 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.160 fifty five percent of men say they are very satisfied 0:14:21.160 --> 0:14:23.960 with this aspect of their relationship, compared with thirty eight 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:28.760 percent of women. And that is the way household chores 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.000 are divided, So men seem to be happy with the 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:34.080 way they divided. Women don't. And another area where gender 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.880 patterns have shifted is in views about how well spouses 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:40.840 or partners are balancing work and personal life. Among married 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.320 or cohabiting adults with a working spouse or partner, men 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:47.280 forty eight percent are more likely than women forty percent 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:51.040 to be very satisfied with this aspect of their relationship. 0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:53.680 So what I find is interesting about the division of 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:57.200 labor and division of chores in the home is this 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:00.320 idea that it's really easy to get st in our 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:03.560 ways and think, oh, yeah, but you've always done that, right, 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:08.560 I've always done this, And I think it's imperative that 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:12.400 you sit down with your partner and you redefine chores, 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:16.160 redefined responsibilities. This would happen in a job too, and 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:18.880 this is healthy in a job too. It's figuring out, well, 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:20.320 what are we going to do new this year? What 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.440 are we doing next this year? And if you don't 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:25.560 have this conversation, chances are that someone could be in 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:31.280 the home feeling used, feeling undervalued, And that's really what 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:33.360 we're focusing on here, is you don't want to let 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:37.520 someone feel that for too long a time. And I 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:39.600 know that Riley and I we've been back in London 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:41.360 and we haven't seen much of each other over the 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.280 last three weeks because she's been catching up with her parents, 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:46.200 I've been with mine, and I know that when we 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:48.240 get back to la the number one thing I want 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.440 to do is re established like what we want to create, 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:52.840 what we want to do, how I can be helpful, 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:55.160 how I can be useful to her, And I know 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:59.760 what that does is that creates this injection of strength 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:05.200 and excitement within a relationship. The fourth step is make 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:09.120 sure you discuss alone time. A lot of the time, 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:13.040 when we want alone time, we make time for it. Well, 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:14.960 a lot of people don't even make time for it. 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.360 So first of all, this is the year where I 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:20.560 want you to make sure you make time for yourself 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:23.960 because during the pandemic, of course we're all locked in, 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:27.800 we're in the same space. I think alone time decreased massively. 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:32.320 And the thing about alone time, especially for someone who's 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:36.960 more reserved. It's highly rejuvenating. We've known for a long 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:40.280 time that extrats get their energy from being around people, 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:44.440 but introverts get their energy from being around themselves. And 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:48.480 I think that idea of being around yourself is becoming 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:50.680 stronger and stronger in the world because we are in 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:53.640 more demand of the people around us. You're always reachable 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:57.000 on your phone, someone can always find you wherever you are. 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.680 Someone's always emailing you at any point in the day, 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:03.080 and so there's very few times in the day now 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:06.000 that we actually have time to ourself, and that time 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:09.160 to ourself actually fuels empowers all the time we spend 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:12.040 with everyone else. So if we sometimes feel that we're 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:16.120 always agitated, stress, distracted, not focused, it's because of how 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:20.440 we spend the time when we're by ourself. That time, 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:24.119 whether it's used for meditation, whether it's used for reading 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:27.280 a book, whether it's used for just being present with ourself, 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:30.600 is so powerful. But here's the thing. If you're taking 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:34.000 it without explaining it to your partner, chances are they're 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:37.080 feeling like you don't want to spend time with them 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.560 when that isn't the case. Hopefully the case is it's 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:42.480 not that I don't want to spend time with you, 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:45.919 It's that I prioritize spending time with myself for this 0:17:46.080 --> 0:17:48.920 much time. Notice how those are two different things. I'm 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.800 being pulled by the attraction to spend time with myself 0:17:52.160 --> 0:17:55.919 rather than pushed away from being with my partner. But 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:58.560 because of our trauma, because of our baggage, because of 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:00.520 our past, A lot of the time time when that 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.879 happens in a relationship, a person in their own insecurity 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:06.680 starts to believe that we don't want to spend time 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:11.080 with them, that they are less valuable, that they are 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.440 not worthy of our time, that we have something more 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:17.159 important to do. It isn't more important, it is central 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:20.119 to our lives. There's something really interesting. We look at 0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:25.120 things as binary, unimportant or important, but really it's circles 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:30.200 degrees of focus in our life. If we don't focus 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:32.800 on ourselves, what do we have to give to anyone else? 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:38.080 And our alone time brings us up and our confidence 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:39.600 up to come back to say, hey, here's what I 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:41.399 learned today, here's what I did today, here's what I 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:44.840 experienced today. And so as much as we need to 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:47.240 discuss alone tim, we also need to discuss and plan 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.159 together time. And I think that's the point that often 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.560 we don't do either we default into spending time with 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:56.600 ourselves or we default into spending time together. And the 0:18:56.640 --> 0:18:59.640 idea is that more that we can be intentional about, Hey, 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:01.679 here's what I'm doing this week. Let me let you 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:03.119 know when I'm doing it. So me and rather you 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:05.560 have this where she will tell me if she's planning 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:07.399 a girl's night or hanging out with the friends, or 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:09.399 even spending time alone, and she'll say, look, Tuesdays my night. 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:11.119 And I was like, okay, fine, tuesdays to night. I'm 0:19:11.119 --> 0:19:13.000 going to try and spend time with my friends too. 0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:15.359 That way we can be together on Wednesday. And I 0:19:15.400 --> 0:19:18.080 think a ratio that's really worked for me and her 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:20.320 is that I know that one day a week I 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:22.639 need to spend time alone, and she kind of feels 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:24.359 the same that one evening a week she needs to 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:27.160 spend alone. Now, there may be two nights a week 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:30.160 that we spend together, right, So that's three nights out 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:32.480 of the week, and we're going to plan those. And 0:19:32.520 --> 0:19:35.120 then there are about two nights that we may spend 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:38.600 with collective friends, right, seeing people that we know and love, 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:40.960 and that could be family too, And that takes you 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:43.960 to five and there's still two nights left. Those two 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:45.320 nights can be mixed. So you want to create a 0:19:45.400 --> 0:19:50.280 ratio of time spend together, time spent alone, time spent 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:53.800 with the same friends, and time spent with our own friends. 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:55.840 So I may see my own friends once a week, 0:19:56.320 --> 0:20:00.000 I may see myself once a week. I'm seeing rather 0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:03.320 maybe two to probably three evenings a week, and then 0:20:03.359 --> 0:20:05.560 we still have two evenings to spend time with friends. 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:09.440 Create a ratio of your evenings. It really helps you 0:20:09.840 --> 0:20:12.479 define the amount of quality time you're getting together. And 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:15.359 then you want to define the activity as well. You 0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:16.840 don't want to just say we're going to look for 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:18.600 something to watch if you haven't found something to watch. 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:21.359 Do not go down that road. It used to upset 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:23.320 me so much when we try and spend a night 0:20:23.320 --> 0:20:24.800 and one and a half hours We'll be trying to 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:27.040 pick something to watch, and I'd think, well, I would 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:28.680 have actually preferred if you read a book. I read 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.080 a book, and then we just shared what we learned. Actually, 0:20:31.080 --> 0:20:33.120 what I'd prefer is if we watched a workshop together 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:36.359 or a seminar or an interview or a podcast together. Actually, 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.399 what I probably would have preferred is if we just 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.280 went on a walk together, if that was possible, Just 0:20:41.359 --> 0:20:44.560 going on a walk together, doing something health and wellness 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:49.320 based together can be so powerful. The next point is 0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:54.199 is a really interesting one. Choose questions you want to 0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:57.960 be asked and the ones you want to answer. For 0:20:58.000 --> 0:20:59.840 a long time, when I first got married to Rather, 0:21:00.000 --> 0:21:02.520 she'd always ask me how did your day go? And 0:21:02.800 --> 0:21:04.920 my response would always be like, I really don't want 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:06.760 to talk about my day, Like I really don't want 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:09.040 to talk about that. That's not what I want to 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:12.240 focus on. And what I found is that reaction and 0:21:12.320 --> 0:21:15.760 response led to rally asking less and less questions, to 0:21:15.760 --> 0:21:17.720 the point that then I was like, well, don't you 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:20.600 care about me? Now? Notice how it was my response 0:21:20.640 --> 0:21:25.600 and reaction that created that. But then the ego and 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:28.640 the mind say, well, if you cared about me, you'd 0:21:28.680 --> 0:21:31.560 know the right question to ask, and you should have 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:33.639 known what I meant by that. But the truth is, 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:35.280 no one knows what you meant by that. They get 0:21:35.320 --> 0:21:37.040 scared that every time they ask you about something you 0:21:37.080 --> 0:21:40.560 look upset, so now they stop doing it. So one 0:21:40.560 --> 0:21:41.879 of the things I recommend to a lot of my 0:21:41.920 --> 0:21:44.760 clients is choose the question you want to be asked 0:21:44.840 --> 0:21:47.280