WEBVTT - Meeting Men at Airports with Matteo Lane 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:03.400 Hi, everybody. It's the week of July fourth, and I 0:00:03.400 --> 0:00:06.400 would like to say in honor of Independence Day? Is 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:08.760 that what July fourth? Yes, it is Independence Day. I've 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:11.360 forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right, 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:13.600 like Thanksgiving and Christmas. 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:15.640 I'm sure Flag Day is there's something wrong with that time. 0:00:15.800 --> 0:00:17.560 No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:19.520 day to have a threesome. I always say, you know, 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:22.280 it's a three day week it's a three day weekend. 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:24.400 If it's a three day weekend or it's Flag Day, 0:00:24.560 --> 0:00:26.279 then you can get up to some funky stuff like 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:29.479 anal or whatever you're into. I love that I invented anal. 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:32.960 So thank you, Thank you for your gift to the world. 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:36.720 Chelsea. Do you think that your partner should also be 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:37.560 your best friend? 0:00:37.640 --> 0:00:40.040 I don't care about any well, I mean I guess 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:43.840 I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:45.920 and sometimes it's not. Ultimately, yes, they have to be 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:49.080 your closest confidant and like know everything. I mean, you 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:52.680 don't have to tell them everything, obviously. I think women 0:00:52.800 --> 0:00:55.120 have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah, 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:57.640 if you can combine those two but it's very annoying 0:00:57.760 --> 0:00:59.120 when people are like, he's. 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:00.520 My best friends. 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.720 Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:05.480 my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go, 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:07.240 let me guess, because she took a while to text 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:10.800 me back. I go hello, Hello. I'm like, shalom, where 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:12.959 are you? And she writes she's like, sorry, sorry, I 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:15.400 was cooking, And I said, yeah, I bet you're listening 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:17.640 to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen because 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:19.920 that's her thing. Yeah, and she goes, and then my husband, 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:21.400 whose name i'll leave out, she goes. Then he came 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:24.679 home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like, 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:27.160 that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for, you know 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:27.600 what I mean. 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:28.360 Yeah. 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:31.520 Yeah, it's nice to fall in love and have those feelings, 0:01:31.800 --> 0:01:35.360 but I think as you age, it's the closest person 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:37.640 to you, so do they also need to be your bestie? 0:01:37.880 --> 0:01:39.200 It's a little interdependent. 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:41.200 Yeah, I mean I think, you know, it's great to 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:43.039 have a friendship with your partner, but also like you 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:44.160 should have other best friends. 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:46.120 Well, yea, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner, 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:48.080 because that's a problem. A lot of people have where 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:50.040 they feel like they're in love, but they don't like 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:53.160 their partner. So it's very important to like your partner 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:56.320 because without that, then there's that comes with respect, and 0:01:56.400 --> 0:01:58.880 if you don't respect them, then then everything falls apart. 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:01.240 I feel really lucky. Grew up with a dad who 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:04.520 was like, women can get anything they want on their own. 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:06.880 They can get money, they can have their own house, 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:09.400 they can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms, 0:02:09.440 --> 0:02:12.080 but the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh. 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:14.520 That's what you should look for, someone who like you, 0:02:14.560 --> 0:02:16.079 dig their vibe and they crack you up. 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:18.800 Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:22.040 Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:24.520 a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:27.760 that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my 0:02:27.840 --> 0:02:30.120 favorite day of the week or the year, I guess. 0:02:30.320 --> 0:02:32.919 We added a second show in Boston at the Wang 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:36.440 Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:38.760 New York. I also have a show in East Hampton, 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:42.000 New York. August twenty six we added a second show 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:45.239 in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and 0:02:45.320 --> 0:02:49.280 Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco, two shows there. 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:52.480 We added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh. 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:57.080 Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the 0:02:57.320 --> 0:03:02.639 Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:11.880 Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:15.079 So I will see everybody at all of these shows. 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:19.639 Thank you. Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Next 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:23.239 guest is back by popular demand because everybody just loved 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:27.560 him and his absolute gayness, which everybody appreciates on this show. 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:30.639 Our gay guests are our highest rated guests. Who knew 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:33.240 we had just a bunch of what are we called 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.440 when you hang out with gay guys? But we can't 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:37.040 say that right. 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:38.600 Flies can't say that either. 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:41.560 Oh really, fruit flies are out? Okay, so Ravo fans, 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:45.119 but I don't even watch Bravo, you know what. I'm 0:03:45.120 --> 0:03:46.840 so sick of. I'm so sick of hearing about that 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.200 fucking show with whatever just happened in Maddox and some 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:51.720 divorce they sent me a break down to explain it 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:53.560 on social media for all of the people who don't 0:03:53.560 --> 0:03:55.640 watch the show and need to understand what's going on. 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:58.600 I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway, 0:03:58.880 --> 0:04:01.480 his new special is Availa on YouTube. It's called hair 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:04.960 Plugs and Heartache, and you're gonna fucking love it because 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.880 everybody loves Mateo Lane. So welcome Mateo Lane. 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.080 Thank you, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be back, having. 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:13.640 You back your second appearance. Like Juliana Margulis, who's also 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.720 very popular on this podcast, we have had two. She's 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:18.800 coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:23.039 third episode. But I have to tell you, Mateo, so 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:26.760 much has happened. I have so many men that want 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:30.000 to fuck you. That's contenting me about fucking you. So 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.039 one of my new friends, a newer neighbor, actually was like, 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:34.680 oh my god, you got to set me up with Matteo. 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:36.440 And I was like, all right, but I think he's 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:39.120 kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that. 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:41.240 I just assumed I've only seen you out with a 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:43.920 couple guys, and it seems to be consistent and you 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:46.920 have a type, and so I let him know that 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:49.320 he's not it, and he's like, well, could you just 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:51.520 ask him? And I asked him and then I heard 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:54.039 the news this morning. I was leaving my house and 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:57.200 my assistant Casey, I said, oh, Mateo's on the podcast 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:01.760 because we've recorded Joel Kim Booster yesterday. I love. Yeah, yeah, 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:04.839 he's pretty solid and uh and he was like, oh, 0:05:04.880 --> 0:05:06.840 I'm so obsessed with Mateo. I go, oh my god. 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:10.360 Everyone wants to fuck Mateo. And then I found out 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:12.280 that Mateo has a boyfriend. 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:13.880 Wow. 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:16.840 Well, it's it's all very new, but it's I think 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.479 a couple of months, but it's like that it's the 0:05:18.560 --> 0:05:21.159 healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with, Like someone 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:25.240 who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves. And 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:28.800 I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:30.800 I love hot men that hate me. But he's great. 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:33.040 He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York. 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:34.880 I'm in Mexico. We're going Italy together in a couple 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:35.159 of weeks. 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:36.960 N So, do you speak Spanish to him? 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.200 I do, well, we speak more English because his English 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:41.719 is really good, but I do speak Spanish, but I 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:44.520 have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish, so everyone's like, 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:51.440 you sound like Mario super Mario. Yeah, oh no, you know, 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:55.680 pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really it feels very good, 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:58.320 very healthy. And he also understands, like, I mean, it's 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:00.240 long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates is going 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:02.080 to have to date long distance, right, you know, you know, 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:02.760 on the road. 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:06.159 But it's preferable in a relationship. I think it is 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:08.120 preferable in our day and age. There are so many 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.320 ways to communicate, and the only way to not get 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:12.559 sick of somebody is to not see them all the time. 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:16.680 I agree, And it keeps the fire burning, right, yes. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.719 Yes, but it's nice that so many people you don't 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:20.360 want to fuck me. I know, I feels good. 0:06:20.560 --> 0:06:22.720 I know. I mean you must be used to that though, 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.520 getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people people 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:27.000 wanting to set you up with their friends. 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:29.960 Right, Yes, that happened. That does happen pretty often. But 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:31.920 you know, I don't know. I'm I kind of just 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:34.400 I'm on planes, I play video games, then I do shows. 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:36.440 So how did you hook up with this guy? 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:38.680 I just started following him on Instagram because he was 0:06:38.720 --> 0:06:40.960 so gorgeous, and then I said him like a hard 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:43.480 emogi in the heat, like someone Back then we're just chatting. 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:45.520 It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all 0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:47.640 the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number, and 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:49.239 then it was facetiming all day. 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:51.760 Before you saw each other, were facetiming. Yeah. 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:53.719 And then I met him at the airport in New York. 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:55.480 And then before I met him, I was like, what 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:57.200 the fuck? Why did I agree to this? Like some 0:06:57.240 --> 0:06:59.000 strangers come in my home. Now I got to like 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:01.160 take him around New York. The second I met him, 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:02.920 I thought, he's going to be in my life for 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:03.279 a while. 0:07:04.120 --> 0:07:05.560 That's cute. What do you mean you met him at 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:06.039 the airport? 0:07:06.040 --> 0:07:06.880 Did you picked him up? 0:07:07.040 --> 0:07:09.600 Oh that's old school MATEO. I don't even know how 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:10.440 to get to the airport. 0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:12.520 When you're meeting someone for the first time. Do you 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:14.400 like bring flowers? Do you bring I. 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:15.480 Brought an approaching bar. 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:18.720 No, Catherine, no one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:22.160 or hard boiled eggs to the fucking air Thin lives 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:23.320 in La La Land. 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:25.840 I love that now, Chelsea. Anytime I'm on a flight 0:07:25.880 --> 0:07:28.360 and I see something like people with their feet up. 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:30.120 I just text you. 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:32.360 My dms are so filled with people. They were like 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.480 I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever, and 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:37.800 look what happened. And I'm like, I want to help 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.040 you people, but I need to stop getting fee in 0:07:40.080 --> 0:07:42.760 my dms. There's a whole There was a New York 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:45.280 Times article with its flight attendant who said, like, these 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:49.440 are our requests moving forward, Please honor these things. And 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:52.480 then one that I thought was interesting was don't recline 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:54.600 your seat until you asked the person behind you. And 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:58.000 I'm like, well, no, I disagree. Disagree. I disagree too. 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:00.520 So based on what that you can't work. It's not 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:02.360 like you're lying down into someone's lap. 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:05.160 Here's the thing. Traveling with a husband who's six foot five, 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:08.480 even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:11.240 against the person's seat back, and so when they put 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:15.080 it back, like really hard, it's really painful. Yeah, so 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:16.160 that's that's. 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:16.360 What it is. 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:18.840 Well, I think if I have someone who's six foot 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:21.120 five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them. 0:08:21.120 --> 0:08:24.160 But usually I was peak right, Well, I think I 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:26.520 agree with you if everyone has the option to go back, 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:28.240 because what are you going to say you can't go back, 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:28.880 but then I can. 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:32.120 That's it's that argument, Yeah, you can't go back because 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:35.680 someone too tall is behind you. Also, like, I get it, 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:38.400 it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that, but at 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:40.680 the same time, it's like I have to sit erect 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:46.040 because you're so tall. I mean, I just like and 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:48.600 then well, I always think it's so annoying when they 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:50.920 come over and put your seat back up before takeoff, 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:54.200 Like why what the fuck is gonna happen when I'm 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:57.400 reclined in ten degrees during takeoff? Like is the whole 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:00.960 plane going to blow up? But I thought it was 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:03.600 interesting that the flight attendants had this whole thing of rules, 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:06.560 Please don't talk to other people's children, don't yell at 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:09.080 other people's children, because there was this article that came 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:12.240 out about South Korea that were doing public spaces, that 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:14.760 were talking about they wanted to prohibit children in certain 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:17.120 public spaces, and I was like, even, I think that's 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:19.640 wrong because they're part of society. Like it's one thing 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:22.880 to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed, 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:26.320 but not in parks or like public areas. They have 0:09:26.440 --> 0:09:28.520 every right to be there. I don't want to see 0:09:28.520 --> 0:09:31.959 them either, but I don't want to discriminate against children. 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:35.560 They didn't ask to be fucking born anyway. That's that. 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:39.079 Back to your relationship, Mateia, when was the last time 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:41.120 you had a long term relationship? Have you ever? 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:45.040 Yeah? I did. I've only had two boyfriends, and the 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:47.320 last one was on and off for four years. That 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:49.520 was but really on and off. I mean, we were together, 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:50.320 then we break up. 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:53.200 So volatile. Would you describe it as volatile? Turbulent? 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:57.600 It was turbulent. It was a lot of turbulence, and 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:00.440 I didn't have a seat belt. So yeah, but you know, 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:03.560 we ended up becoming friends, like him and I stayed friends. 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:04.320 That's nice. 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:07.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:08.960 I've ever dated where I thought to myself, like, oh, 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:11.720 they also could be a friend. Like when I dated, 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:13.880 I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating, 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:15.439 so like I have to behave a certain way or 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:17.400 look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh, 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:19.439 we can just be weird and go karaokeing with each 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:21.960 other and have fun and be silly and I don't care, 0:10:22.360 --> 0:10:22.920 you know what I mean. 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:25.360 So it feels good and isn't it a big difference 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:29.000 when somebody has gone to therapy, Like obviously, but I 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:31.319 don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy. 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:36.800 It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better, deeper. Yeah, 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:39.400 and I think honesty is key to most of it. 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:41.720 Just be honest, Like, you know, I felt I was 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:43.640 always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that 0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:45.960 I was jealous, is that I was insecure because my 0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:49.240 partner in the past was doing things on purpose to 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:51.360 get that out of me in a way to make 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:54.560 themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like he'll 0:10:54.559 --> 0:10:56.040 be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy, 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:57.760 and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like, 0:10:57.760 --> 0:10:59.880 oh that guy's attracted, don't feel a strategy. I'm like, oh, 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:01.199 that's because he's a good communicator. 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.400 Yeah. It's also the ability to communicate the greatest thing 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:06.599 about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.959 ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.760 insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:15.400 that like this makes me feel this way, instead of 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:19.440 you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling you what's 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:21.640 your therapy story. How long have you I've been. 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:24.440 Going to the same therapist for almost two years now. 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:26.400 He's great. He's gay, which I really like. 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:27.800 That's probably best, right. 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:31.480 Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute, 0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:33.880 I would say certain things that he either wouldn't understand 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:35.720 or he would say, well, you know, just because you're 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.080 gay doesn't mean, like you know, everyone has it. I'm like, no, 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:40.040 there are some things that are specific. 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:41.040 It's a worldview thing. 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:43.160 It's a worldf you think. My friend Joel Johnson is 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.520 a great comic. She was like, you know, I want 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:47.160 to see a black woman because I'm black, and they're 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:49.040 going to understand my experiences and it'll just make me 0:11:49.520 --> 0:11:52.560 more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:54.480 my therapist and I was like, yeah, I feel like 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:57.160 a gay guy would be I don't have to explain anything. 0:11:57.240 --> 0:11:59.400 And she was like, you should find someone who's gay. 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:01.960 And he's right. I see him every Tuesday. It's great. 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.440 Yeah, I would like I had a gay therapist once. 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:08.760 I did because my friend was going to him and 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:10.280 I thought it would be great, and it had no 0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:12.400 impact at all on our therapy, like I mean, it 0:12:12.480 --> 0:12:15.160 was obviously I don't need a straight therapist. I don't 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:17.400 think I actually like to. I relate to gay men 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:20.480 a lot too, so I find when you're around a 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.440 straight For me, I become attracted to people when they're 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:26.400 smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:28.320 thank god, because he's half the size of me, so 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:30.960 I wasn't going to be attracted to him, and I'm 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.280 you know, he's an older man and he's married, so 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:37.760 that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.920 like being vulnerable in front of a man for some reason. 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:43.560 There's like a dynamic there that I respect, probably because 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:45.640 I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:46.920 want someone to take care of you. 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:49.560 Yeah, and they're in a position of power, and it's sort. 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.680 Of any doctor I want to fuck after they helped me, 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:54.040 you know what I mean, anyone as soon as I like, 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:56.120 I have to go get an epidural in my neck 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.920 for my slip disc or whatever. My neck is so 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:01.280 fucking annoying, and I'm going to be attracted to the 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:04.600 anesthesiologists because they put me under and anytime that happens. 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:07.440 It doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:09.480 as they are holding my hand and they're like okay, 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:12.400 count back from ten, I'm like, I'm I want feelings 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:15.320 for you. And then you never see them again. So 0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:19.160 it's kind of like the perfect encounter, Like yeah, okay, 0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:20.800 we're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:26.840 be right back. We're back. 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:29.160 We haven't taken a bath in a Why. 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:30.480 Well, we don't have a bath at this studio. That's 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:32.800 why it's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers. 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:33.160 I don't. 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:36.199 I tried to take a bath the other night, and 0:13:36.320 --> 0:13:40.400 I was so stoned when I got home. I I, 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:44.079 this is really not a funny story. It's it's embarrassing, 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:46.319 but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.760 flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:52.840 for three days on the road, and one night it 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:55.160 was so bad I just kept running the bathroom, grinding 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:57.120 in the bathroom, and my opener was on stage and 0:13:57.200 --> 0:14:01.280 I was sweating like sick, and I was backstage. There's 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:03.640 my security guard and then a strange security guard that 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:06.079 I've never met, just watching me while I'm sitting there 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:09.479 trying to clench my asshole so that nothing else hts. 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:11.319 And I'm like, just I have to get on stage, 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:12.880 because you know, you get on stage and it all 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:16.240 goes adrenaline takes over you never like that is the 0:14:16.240 --> 0:14:18.760 perfect elixir for any time you're saying get on stage, 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:23.000 if you get in front of a large, crowded and 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:25.240 I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this, 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:27.680 like oh, and then I had the decision do I 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.400 run in the bathroom one more time or she's getting off, 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:32.320 or do I just go? And because I was like, 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:34.400 what would happen if I shot my pants on stage? 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.720 Like what would I do? Would I continue? I think 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:39.640 I would if it's far enough away from everybody. I'm 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:40.000 not going to. 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:41.240 Say, Oh, I don't know. 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:44.560 Yeah, I think that the smell obviously would be a problem, 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:47.960 but I mean I'm always wearing black, so it's like, 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:50.480 I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh, 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.160 it was just so terrible. Obviously everything went fine. I 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:55.880 got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning. 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:58.200 So clip though it is straight when I get on stage, 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:00.600 if I'm sick, I'm not sick. If I'm never sneezed 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:04.520 on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes everything phrases. 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:06.960 Yeah, it's true. A dreynonline is a powerful tool. 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:09.240 Well good, Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:10.080 to the comedy seller. 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:13.120 Take a zou fran that's actually good for really Yeah, 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.560 zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. Oh, I found 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:20.480 out the hard way. I already use I'm going to 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.560 Africa for the summer, and I've already used half of 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:25.520 my drugs that are Africa for now because oh my god, 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:28.320 I'm having all of the illnesses and I'm supposed to 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.920 have an Africa already. I'm like, can I get a 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:33.120 refill on that zip bro. 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:39.200 Well. Our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea. 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.320 I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend. 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:44.960 He feels like my forever person, but we've run into 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:48.400 a few speed bumps in combining finances. My partner loves 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:50.760 to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:53.320 good bit more money than me, so he's starting to 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:57.000 travel without me a lot and planning more trips in 0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:59.840 the future solo because he can afford to go. I'm 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:01.880 happy for him, or at least I really want to be. 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:04.120 Is she? Because she's writing us, how happy could she be? 0:16:04.640 --> 0:16:04.840 Yeah? 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:06.320 When you travel a lot, So I thought this was 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:09.320 a good question for you. We're currently trying to start 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:11.760 a family, buy a house, and plan for a small wedding, 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.360 so all my finances feel tied up in the future. 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:16.960 So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:19.840 budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling 0:16:19.840 --> 0:16:22.240 ways to spend my time when he is away, but 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.680 I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:28.640 seeing the world alone. The question am I short changing 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:30.680 myself by not asking my partner to give up a 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.960 few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:35.720 all of it because I want him to be happy 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:37.960 and I don't want to fight about money or attempt 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:40.560 to control how he lives his life. Is it okay 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:43.040 that I feel sad and that I'm getting left behind 0:16:43.160 --> 0:16:45.800 for trying to be responsible with my money. Should I 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:47.960 just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:49.840 with him? Or should I get a third job so 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:51.880 I can save money and travel and not feel as 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:55.600 sorry for myself that I can't do it all, Josephine. 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:58.200 Don't get a third job, Like, why would you do 0:16:58.280 --> 0:16:59.240 that if you don't have to? 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:02.280 I think out of this, Kay, yeah, I don't. 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:03.320 I don't know. 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:06.240 I'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this game exactly 0:17:06.280 --> 0:17:06.680 do alone? 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:08.600 Who is he traveling with? If he's not traveling with 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:09.280 her by. 0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:12.440 Apparently by himself, he's just going to Croatia by himself. 0:17:12.640 --> 0:17:15.639 That's I would also be I'm like, Okay, who are 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.159 you meeting? Who you hanging out with? What are you 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:19.119 doing alone? Like, I don't want to travel alone. 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:20.760 You want to be with your person, if you have 0:17:20.840 --> 0:17:21.800 a person, If you have. 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:24.080 A person, and also he should want to be with her, 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:26.400 and like wait until she has the money or save 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.640 the money together, or be generous enough to say, I've 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:31.679 got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:33.320 can come. I know you can't afford it right now. 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:36.199 Maybe plan less trips, but with trips that you can 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:40.000 afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:41.040 want to do? Yes? 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:43.600 But I would say, also, you're planning a small wedding. 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:46.239 This is good information for you to have before you 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:48.959 get married to somebody, because what's going to happen when 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:50.200 you get married. Is he going to continue to go 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:51.119 on trips by himself? 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.320 Is he going to do his honeymoon alone? Yeah, I'm 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:54.879 going to go to Vietnam alone. 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:56.960 And I also, just like, you know, this whole co 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:00.840 mingling thing of finances. I just don't understand why once 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:03.399 you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:06.440 a shared pot of Like not that you share all 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:08.639 of your money with each other, but like what do 0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:11.720 we our expenses together? And in the areas where somebody 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:14.520 needs help, the person who's making more money should be 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:17.760 willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:19.600 to spend your life with this person. It's going to 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:22.440 be sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially, 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:25.000 and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially, 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:27.040 So you're both gonna have to scratch each other's back 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:29.000 at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love, 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:31.840 that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:34.000 should give all your money away to a stranger. But 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:37.919 I'm saying, like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:39.720 wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple, 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:43.040 so I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole. 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:44.479 But he really does selling an ass It's like, I'm 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:46.399 going to take trips by myself and I'm not going 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:48.760 I love that. Like, what's her deal with the relationship 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:50.680 that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah, I 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.399 write this letter to Chelsea Handler, you should feel bad. 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:56.640 I would feel bad for you. My boyfriend's like, I'm 0:18:56.840 --> 0:19:00.200 taking trips all by myself, bye bye. I'd be like, okay, okay, 0:19:00.320 --> 0:19:03.520 I'll be home playing angry birds, Like you don't want 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:04.920 me to come with it all? Are we to local 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:05.600 shit together? 0:19:05.880 --> 0:19:08.600 I think when you're in a relationship that's like that, 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:11.200 it's totally fine to go on a trip or two 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.720 by yourself or with your friends, of course, but not 0:19:14.800 --> 0:19:18.280 as a regular thing. That's kind of like very inconsiderate. 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:20.840 The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:23.760 saving for their future on herself. I don't love this. 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:26.480 Is she communicating she you know what she needs to do. 0:19:26.680 --> 0:19:29.800 She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey, 0:19:30.040 --> 0:19:32.919 instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stale. 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:37.399 Yeah, And also, who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing. Yeah, 0:19:37.520 --> 0:19:39.440 I know that this is also like get in front 0:19:39.440 --> 0:19:41.600 of a couple's counselor because he might have some like 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:43.639 backlash of like, wow, I'm just doing my thing and 0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:44.800 why would you want to staple me? 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:49.040 Good point, he should, Well, they're gonna have to split 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.040 that one. But also I think you know, when you 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:55.119 see things that make you not feel good about yourself, 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:58.040 you have to pay attention to those, especially before you 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:03.000 marry someone, because those things usually just intensify once that 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:06.080 deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase people 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:09.320 aren't on their best game, things are only going to 0:20:09.400 --> 0:20:13.200 get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward. 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:15.720 So like, I think you should really address this, and 0:20:15.760 --> 0:20:18.159 a counselor would be a great idea. Or you can 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:19.800 just tell him to go fuck himself. But it sounds 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:20.480 like you like him. 0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:22.760 So how would he feel if she went on a 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:23.920 trip without him. 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:26.679 I'm sure he would say he's fine with that, no problem, 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:29.160 because he knows it's not a real actuality, Like it's 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:30.159 probably not going to happen. 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:32.520 Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a real big 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:36.840 red flag. Josephine and go take into a counselor well, 0:20:36.880 --> 0:20:41.280 our first caller today is Read. He is in Ecuador 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:44.320 and he is in the Peace Corps. He is twenty four. 0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:48.080 Reid says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship 0:20:48.080 --> 0:20:51.720 with my boyfriend for over a year and I'm totally smitten. However, 0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:54.400 I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a fourteen 0:20:54.480 --> 0:20:56.600 hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this. 0:20:56.680 --> 0:20:59.480 But his boyfriend is in South Korea, and of course, 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:01.879 because we're in our twenties, we decided that we should 0:21:01.880 --> 0:21:05.720 try an open relationship to grapple with the distance. Since then, 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:07.680 I've hooked up with a few people here and there, 0:21:07.720 --> 0:21:10.080 but no one really excites me like my boyfriend, and 0:21:10.119 --> 0:21:13.720 I've recently stopped seeking out other people all together. My boyfriend, 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:18.080 on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently, 0:21:18.160 --> 0:21:22.720 I've become overcome by emotions of incredible jealous money. It 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:24.800 appears as though he's unable to go out with his 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:27.800 friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:30.399 problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurity 0:21:30.440 --> 0:21:32.480 is stemming from those problems. Make it harder for me 0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:35.399 to be at peace while he's having fun. I also 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:37.360 think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:39.639 and actively wants me to hook up with other people 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:42.840 like fight for me anyway. I want to cut off 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:44.920 the open part of our relationship, but I don't want 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:47.920 to gate keep his self discovery and experimentation as he's 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:50.440 somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene. 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:52.440 What should I do? Clever? Sign off? 0:21:52.560 --> 0:21:56.320 Read Hi, Read Hi, read Ola Ola Ola? 0:21:56.480 --> 0:21:57.640 Come much done? How are y'all? 0:22:01.480 --> 0:22:02.879 Yeah, we're gonna do this. 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:05.440 That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That look 0:22:05.520 --> 0:22:07.080 like a measuring cup for baking. 0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:11.200 You've never had coffeeidor that's how they serve. 0:22:12.840 --> 0:22:13.359 Excellent. 0:22:13.640 --> 0:22:15.280 I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking 0:22:15.400 --> 0:22:17.680 enjoyed that beer. But it has to stay cold. 0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:18.480 Yeah, I agree. 0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:20.080 It's a good when it's very hot out. Are you 0:22:20.080 --> 0:22:21.520 been doing yard work? Yeah? 0:22:21.680 --> 0:22:25.440 Have you been doing yard work the Peace Corps? Are 0:22:25.440 --> 0:22:25.960 you gonna answer? 0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:29.600 I did sign for yard right now? 0:22:29.680 --> 0:22:32.080 No, good for you. That's nice that you're in the 0:22:32.080 --> 0:22:33.600 Peace Corps. Good boy. I love that. 0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:35.840 Yeah, thank you, thank you so well. 0:22:35.880 --> 0:22:38.320 Matteo is a registered gay man so I'm going to 0:22:38.400 --> 0:22:40.639 let him start with this, and because you have more 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:41.280 experience in. 0:22:41.320 --> 0:22:43.720 This, yeah, I think that. So you guys are in 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:46.639 an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of 0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:49.480 gay people are queer people will tend to go back 0:22:49.520 --> 0:22:52.000 and forth like I'm open or no, we're like monogamous, 0:22:52.040 --> 0:22:54.879 And I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we 0:22:54.920 --> 0:22:56.879 want is the benefit of being gay is that we 0:22:56.920 --> 0:22:58.960 don't have to follow the same rules of society. But 0:22:59.200 --> 0:23:02.439 that doesn't necessary. I mean, it still works for you. So, 0:23:02.560 --> 0:23:04.840 like I understand that you're saying like, Okay, well we're 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:07.200 separate and this is the healthy thing to do and 0:23:07.200 --> 0:23:09.199 blah blah, But if you're already starting to run into 0:23:09.240 --> 0:23:12.040 issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it 0:23:12.040 --> 0:23:15.120 would be time to have a conversation with your partner 0:23:15.200 --> 0:23:16.960 and be like, you know, I know this is something 0:23:17.000 --> 0:23:19.919 we agreed on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way. 0:23:20.400 --> 0:23:22.199 Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in 0:23:22.240 --> 0:23:25.399 South Korea? Or you know? Because I just feel like 0:23:25.480 --> 0:23:27.560 I have friends who literally clean the house for the 0:23:27.600 --> 0:23:31.119 other person's grinder appointment. He's like their boyfriend's like, oh, 0:23:31.280 --> 0:23:32.640 I can clean in the house, He's got a grinder 0:23:32.720 --> 0:23:34.560 date and then I'm getting out of here. Well, I 0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:36.880 think that's great. I don't work that way. I work 0:23:36.920 --> 0:23:39.600 better in monogamy because I'm maybe because I'm obscure, I 0:23:39.640 --> 0:23:42.200 don't know, but I'm sensitive. So I think it just depends. 0:23:42.200 --> 0:23:44.879 And if would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, 0:23:44.880 --> 0:23:46.800 did you do the open relationship because you felt that 0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:48.440 was the right thing to do to keep him? 0:23:49.000 --> 0:23:51.879 I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship 0:23:51.920 --> 0:23:52.320 for sure. 0:23:52.480 --> 0:23:53.879 I didn't do it because I felt like that was 0:23:53.880 --> 0:23:54.840 how I would keep him. 0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:57.040 I did it because, you know, there's a lot of 0:23:57.080 --> 0:24:00.639 distance where continents away, there's a massive time difference. I 0:24:00.640 --> 0:24:02.360 can only talk to him in the morning or at night, 0:24:02.760 --> 0:24:05.760 and so you know, like there's also like certain needs 0:24:05.800 --> 0:24:07.959 and things that happen, and so like it just was 0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:11.320 a logical step for me. It wasn't necessarily in fear 0:24:11.359 --> 0:24:13.080 of the relationship falling apart. 0:24:13.200 --> 0:24:16.159 Now, when is the next time you guys will be 0:24:16.240 --> 0:24:16.880 with each other? 0:24:17.800 --> 0:24:21.040 Eight It depends. 0:24:21.119 --> 0:24:24.639 So I'm in Ecuador until twenty twenty five, Oh my god. 0:24:24.800 --> 0:24:27.800 And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to 0:24:27.840 --> 0:24:31.320 the US because he was deported, So we don't really 0:24:31.400 --> 0:24:33.480 know when we'll be in the same country again, though 0:24:33.480 --> 0:24:34.840 hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in. 0:24:34.840 --> 0:24:38.200 August or September so he can visit you. How long 0:24:38.240 --> 0:24:39.359 can he come to Ecuador for. 0:24:39.600 --> 0:24:41.200 I mean, it depends on his work, schuess and everything. 0:24:41.200 --> 0:24:43.160 It would only probably be for like two weeks. 0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:45.520 Yeah, I mean, it was very generous of you a 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:47.679 to just like open up your relationship when that's not 0:24:47.720 --> 0:24:50.360 really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice 0:24:50.359 --> 0:24:51.840 of you to do. And all you can do is 0:24:51.880 --> 0:24:53.439 be honest. I think that's all you can do with 0:24:53.480 --> 0:24:55.840 any relationship, because you have every right to be want 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:57.800 to be monogamous, and he has every right to want 0:24:57.800 --> 0:25:00.919 to be, you know, not monogamous, have lots of different 0:25:00.960 --> 0:25:03.359 lovers and experience, and especially since you said he's to 0:25:03.400 --> 0:25:05.359 write out of the closet, all you can do is 0:25:05.400 --> 0:25:07.119 have an open conversation with him and said this is 0:25:07.160 --> 0:25:09.159 how I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker, 0:25:09.200 --> 0:25:10.639 but I just want you to know. I mean, have 0:25:10.720 --> 0:25:12.280 you said anything like this yet. 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:14.680 Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after. 0:25:14.720 --> 0:25:17.000 Actually, I wrote the email to you all, and I said, 0:25:17.040 --> 0:25:18.119 I was like, I don't really know if this is 0:25:18.160 --> 0:25:20.239 working for me right now. I don't really know how 0:25:20.280 --> 0:25:22.480 I feel about the open component of what we've got 0:25:22.480 --> 0:25:24.600 going on. And when we started the open relationship, we 0:25:24.720 --> 0:25:26.880 kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody 0:25:26.880 --> 0:25:29.160 wants to close the relationship, we have to close it. 0:25:29.720 --> 0:25:31.920 And so I kind of indicated that that I wanted 0:25:31.960 --> 0:25:34.680 to close it. But then he said, okay, fine, like 0:25:34.720 --> 0:25:36.720 I understand, we made that agreement that if one of 0:25:36.800 --> 0:25:38.120 us wants to close, the other one has to agree. 0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:41.160 So he acquiesced. But then he kind of also said 0:25:41.400 --> 0:25:43.879 at the same time, I'm also like really exploring myself. 0:25:43.880 --> 0:25:46.040 I'm learning more things about my sexuality as I'm out 0:25:46.080 --> 0:25:48.960 here meeting different men and you know, immersing myself into 0:25:49.000 --> 0:25:51.000 the gate community and gay scene in a different way. 0:25:51.320 --> 0:25:52.919 And I also don't want to lose that. So then 0:25:53.000 --> 0:25:55.760 I kind of backtracked and said, Okay, well, I understand 0:25:55.800 --> 0:25:57.320 where you're coming from, and I don't want to as 0:25:57.320 --> 0:25:58.680 I mentioned the email, I don't really want to gate 0:25:58.760 --> 0:26:03.960 keep your self discos and your experiences. So I again 0:26:04.080 --> 0:26:07.359 kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation 0:26:07.800 --> 0:26:08.880 for that reason. 0:26:08.800 --> 0:26:12.119 Yeah, I feel like when people need space or time, 0:26:12.440 --> 0:26:15.359 you should give them double even if it comes to 0:26:15.440 --> 0:26:17.560 a point where you kind of like he should definitely 0:26:17.600 --> 0:26:19.960 come visit you, if and when that's possible. But I 0:26:19.960 --> 0:26:22.600 think you should look at the relationship as like a 0:26:22.720 --> 0:26:27.159 maybe instead of everything right. Hopefully he'll circle back around. 0:26:27.200 --> 0:26:29.240 He has to sew his oats. Everybody has to get 0:26:29.240 --> 0:26:31.240 that out of their system at some point, and it 0:26:31.280 --> 0:26:33.119 sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as 0:26:33.160 --> 0:26:36.600 long as you if you can tolerate that and giving 0:26:36.680 --> 0:26:39.280 him the space you know, you should do that. And 0:26:39.320 --> 0:26:41.200 if you can't, and if you get to the point 0:26:41.200 --> 0:26:44.639 where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because 0:26:44.680 --> 0:26:48.320 of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say, like, listen, 0:26:48.400 --> 0:26:50.280 I really care about you and I do not want 0:26:50.320 --> 0:26:52.480 to limit you at all, but why don't you go 0:26:52.600 --> 0:26:54.720 do your thing. I still would love you to visit me, 0:26:54.840 --> 0:26:57.920 but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship. 0:26:58.280 --> 0:27:01.640 You know, that way, it doesn't feel like such an 0:27:01.640 --> 0:27:04.320 affront with him hooking up and that way, maybe when 0:27:04.359 --> 0:27:07.000 you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of 0:27:07.040 --> 0:27:09.439 why you guys were in a relationship in the first place, 0:27:09.480 --> 0:27:11.359 and so much will have been under the bridge at 0:27:11.359 --> 0:27:13.560 that point that maybe he will have sown his oats 0:27:13.600 --> 0:27:16.320 and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get 0:27:16.440 --> 0:27:18.920 into a normal relationship. But I would only send the 0:27:18.960 --> 0:27:20.720 relationship if you get to a point where it's just 0:27:20.760 --> 0:27:24.560 really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable 0:27:24.600 --> 0:27:27.160 what you're describing, as young as you guys both are, 0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:30.400 with that time distance, with everything up in the air, 0:27:30.760 --> 0:27:32.800 and not knowing when he's going to be able to 0:27:32.880 --> 0:27:36.040 really like get out of there permanently or come live 0:27:36.080 --> 0:27:38.080 with you or whatever you're you know what I mean. 0:27:38.119 --> 0:27:41.280 It's just it's a young love and it doesn't sound 0:27:41.400 --> 0:27:43.520 very practical or sustainable. 0:27:44.200 --> 0:27:47.120 Yeah, it feels like, you know, something that might work 0:27:47.160 --> 0:27:49.520 really well is when you're together, you're together exactly what 0:27:49.600 --> 0:27:52.439 Chelsea's describing, and when you're a part, you're apart, but 0:27:52.520 --> 0:27:54.359 you like know that you're in love. I know, this 0:27:54.480 --> 0:27:56.240 is the worst thing you can say to someone who's 0:27:56.240 --> 0:27:59.359 twenty four and in love, but people come back together if 0:27:59.359 --> 0:28:01.520 they're meant to be together. You know, I really do 0:28:01.600 --> 0:28:02.280 believe that. 0:28:02.359 --> 0:28:06.960 What's that saying, though, saying when I let someone go, 0:28:07.280 --> 0:28:08.640 if they fly away. 0:28:08.640 --> 0:28:11.680 If that's the Maria lyrics from Butterfly. 0:28:11.640 --> 0:28:14.040 Let it fly, fly, fly away, and if. 0:28:13.960 --> 0:28:15.360 It comes back, it was meant to. 0:28:15.280 --> 0:28:17.199 Be, and if it doesn't, it was never yours to 0:28:17.240 --> 0:28:20.320 begin with. I listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than 0:28:20.359 --> 0:28:22.760 I do. I care. 0:28:26.280 --> 0:28:28.280 Yeah, you know what My suggestion is, just listen to 0:28:28.359 --> 0:28:32.560 Mariah Carey's Butterfly album and over and over again, and 0:28:32.640 --> 0:28:37.320 you'll find all of your answers there. Okay, not win 0:28:37.400 --> 0:28:37.800 in DOWB. 0:28:38.040 --> 0:28:40.520 So how do you so? I mean, you seem like 0:28:40.560 --> 0:28:44.320 you're okay. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that. 0:28:45.040 --> 0:28:46.000 At Ebbs and Flows. 0:28:46.360 --> 0:28:49.640 I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was 0:28:49.800 --> 0:28:52.040 really in my feelings about it, because there had been 0:28:52.120 --> 0:28:55.200 like a couple issues, Like there was like an STD scare, 0:28:55.760 --> 0:29:00.280 there was him kind of being not super communicative, and 0:29:00.360 --> 0:29:02.080 so there were problems at the time when I wrote 0:29:02.080 --> 0:29:04.120 the letter, And like the last week or so since 0:29:04.160 --> 0:29:06.560 then has been like a lot better and I feel 0:29:06.560 --> 0:29:08.880 a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently. 0:29:09.360 --> 0:29:11.040 How long have you guys been together for. 0:29:11.720 --> 0:29:15.240 We've been dating for about fifteen months over a year. 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:17.160 Like you're like one of those mothers that has like 0:29:17.200 --> 0:29:19.480 a seventeenth month year old child, and instead of saying 0:29:19.480 --> 0:29:22.000 one and a half, you're like, yeah, any other eighty 0:29:22.000 --> 0:29:22.440 five months? 0:29:22.400 --> 0:29:25.120 Well, because I don't know, yeah, yeah, sure, you're like 0:29:25.200 --> 0:29:25.800 fifteen months. 0:29:25.800 --> 0:29:26.560 Not that I'm counting. 0:29:26.680 --> 0:29:28.480 It's what were you going to say before? Mitteo is 0:29:28.520 --> 0:29:29.680 so rudely interrupted you. 0:29:32.080 --> 0:29:33.600 The last week, so I felt more secure in what 0:29:33.600 --> 0:29:36.280 we've got going on. But I know he's out partying 0:29:36.360 --> 0:29:38.680 right now, yeah, because the time different. So it's like 0:29:38.760 --> 0:29:42.320 four am in Soul and I know he's out with 0:29:42.400 --> 0:29:43.920 the guy he like soak up with, and he normally 0:29:43.960 --> 0:29:45.560 texted me good night, and he hasn't text me good night, 0:29:45.640 --> 0:29:47.600 So I'm like, what the fuck? But that's just me 0:29:47.680 --> 0:29:49.640 like getting into my own head and like being bound 0:29:49.640 --> 0:29:51.680 by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the 0:29:51.720 --> 0:29:54.800 past and all these other things. I'm trying to rationalize 0:29:54.800 --> 0:29:56.280 my emotions when I feel like I should just be 0:29:56.320 --> 0:29:56.960 able to feel them. 0:29:57.040 --> 0:29:58.800 It really doesn't sound great. 0:29:59.120 --> 0:30:00.800 It doesn't sound great. Here's what I want to say 0:30:00.840 --> 0:30:04.400 to you. I understand everyone has been through this. You're jealous, 0:30:04.400 --> 0:30:06.440 and you're looking at the phone and you're when are 0:30:06.440 --> 0:30:08.400 they gonna call? What are they gonna text? Are they home? 0:30:08.640 --> 0:30:11.680 Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps, You're 0:30:11.680 --> 0:30:13.880 doing a lot of great shit on your own. I 0:30:13.960 --> 0:30:16.520 really would urge you to just kind of try to 0:30:16.600 --> 0:30:20.920 redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know 0:30:21.000 --> 0:30:23.520 it's harder to do than to say, but it is 0:30:23.560 --> 0:30:27.080 a practice, like anything, to not obsess over what he's doing, 0:30:27.200 --> 0:30:30.160 because it's really nothing you can control and you know that, 0:30:30.560 --> 0:30:33.480 and focus on your efforts on what's happening with you 0:30:33.880 --> 0:30:36.520 down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding 0:30:36.520 --> 0:30:39.160 yourself with. That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're 0:30:39.160 --> 0:30:40.840 never going to get this time back, you know what 0:30:40.840 --> 0:30:43.720 I mean, So better to have it spent being present 0:30:43.920 --> 0:30:45.640 and meeting guys down there. 0:30:45.720 --> 0:30:45.840 You know. 0:30:45.920 --> 0:30:47.480 Yeah, just because you had sex with a couple guys 0:30:47.480 --> 0:30:49.280 that didn't interest you, that doesn't mean that no one 0:30:49.280 --> 0:30:50.719 in Ecuador will interest you. 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:53.400 Yeah, But I do think that's also a bit of 0:30:53.440 --> 0:30:56.520 the issue I've been having too, is like I'm living 0:30:56.560 --> 0:30:58.160 in like a little bit of a smaller city there's 0:30:58.160 --> 0:31:00.800 not a lot of people around the more rural and 0:31:00.880 --> 0:31:03.040 so my options just as a gay man in general, I. 0:31:03.040 --> 0:31:04.959 Mean, yeah, it looks like you're calling me from like 0:31:05.200 --> 0:31:09.200 the back of a shed, love shed. That's a lot. 0:31:09.640 --> 0:31:13.160 Literally, I'm like in a house like right off the highway. Yeah, 0:31:13.200 --> 0:31:14.920 it's like there's just like I am living in a 0:31:14.920 --> 0:31:16.680 smaller area. There's not a whole lot going on. There's 0:31:16.720 --> 0:31:18.120 not a lot of options for me, even like if 0:31:18.120 --> 0:31:19.920 I wanted to get out there and like see other people, 0:31:20.000 --> 0:31:21.480 have sex, other people, whatever it is. 0:31:21.720 --> 0:31:22.560 It's rather limited. 0:31:22.560 --> 0:31:25.640 Where he's in like a major metropolitan city, he's able 0:31:25.680 --> 0:31:27.120 to live his twenties in a better way. 0:31:27.280 --> 0:31:28.600 What's the biggest city near you? 0:31:29.520 --> 0:31:32.240 Quito is about four or five hours away. 0:31:32.480 --> 0:31:33.680 Okay, yeah, you can't just kid. 0:31:33.840 --> 0:31:35.840 Yeah, I would say you get some really fucking good 0:31:35.920 --> 0:31:39.600 books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're 0:31:39.640 --> 0:31:42.600 obviously a responsible, caring individual, and I would say to 0:31:42.600 --> 0:31:45.560 spend that time really filling your brain up, because nothing 0:31:45.680 --> 0:31:48.120 works as escapism to me like a book does, and 0:31:48.240 --> 0:31:50.160 especially when you're down there in this kind of different 0:31:50.200 --> 0:31:52.280 part of the world. There's so much to learn in 0:31:52.280 --> 0:31:54.840 their books that they have available there just about that 0:31:54.880 --> 0:31:57.240 whole about all of South America, Like you could be 0:31:57.280 --> 0:31:59.880 filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so 0:32:00.040 --> 0:32:02.040 that you're not looking at your phone, you're not spending it, 0:32:02.160 --> 0:32:04.320 and also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not 0:32:04.400 --> 0:32:06.600 checking your phone, you know what I mean, give yourself 0:32:06.600 --> 0:32:08.880 a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for 0:32:08.960 --> 0:32:11.120 him to check in where you don't look. You just 0:32:11.200 --> 0:32:13.840 have to get off of the habit and fill yourself 0:32:13.880 --> 0:32:16.360 off in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing 0:32:16.360 --> 0:32:19.000 it so just I mean, I am, I am. Of 0:32:19.040 --> 0:32:21.480 course that's always an option, but if people are few 0:32:21.520 --> 0:32:24.160 and far between, figure out other ways to entertain yourself. 0:32:24.320 --> 0:32:26.960 And the last time you spend on your on your phone, 0:32:27.160 --> 0:32:31.560 yeah yeah, well find a nice girl entertain DA would 0:32:31.560 --> 0:32:34.160 be so proud. Oh yeah yeah right, yeah, you're like dad, 0:32:34.200 --> 0:32:36.840 I met a woman. She's an Ecuador. We're together. It's over. 0:32:37.120 --> 0:32:42.200 My gayness is over. It's stopped. It's it flew away 0:32:42.280 --> 0:32:46.920 like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way, but seriously, 0:32:47.000 --> 0:32:50.200 you're awesome. You're handsome, you're smart, you're fun, and you 0:32:50.320 --> 0:32:53.400 have a good vibe. Going. Don't let someone else kind 0:32:53.440 --> 0:32:56.680 of take out your joy and you know, for life 0:32:56.680 --> 0:32:57.840 and learning and growing. 0:32:57.920 --> 0:32:59.880 Also, does he party every single day? 0:33:00.240 --> 0:33:00.920 Sounds like it. 0:33:01.200 --> 0:33:02.840 No, it's not like an every night thing. No, but 0:33:02.960 --> 0:33:05.200 like a couple of times a week. And I just 0:33:05.240 --> 0:33:06.840 like he's going out. I know where he's going. I 0:33:06.840 --> 0:33:09.200 still have friends in the city, right, so like they 0:33:09.240 --> 0:33:10.840 see him out, Like some of them will like texting 0:33:10.920 --> 0:33:12.560 being like yo, I saw your man tonight doing X, 0:33:12.680 --> 0:33:12.960 Y and C. 0:33:13.320 --> 0:33:15.880 Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting 0:33:15.920 --> 0:33:18.960 you about. You got to put an end to that. 0:33:19.800 --> 0:33:22.320 Yeah, that's not fun to s Did you used to 0:33:22.400 --> 0:33:23.240 live in South Korea? 0:33:24.000 --> 0:33:24.200 Yeah? 0:33:24.240 --> 0:33:26.520 I lived there last year after I graduated college. 0:33:26.760 --> 0:33:28.680 Oh what brought you there? Or took you there? 0:33:28.720 --> 0:33:30.440 I should I didn't want to get a real job, 0:33:32.160 --> 0:33:34.080 so I taught English there for a year. I'm an 0:33:34.080 --> 0:33:37.000 anthropology student. Oh cool, I'm going to go back to the 0:33:37.040 --> 0:33:37.480 level and. 0:33:37.840 --> 0:33:40.040 Get a PhD anthopology. 0:33:40.040 --> 0:33:43.840 So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people, 0:33:43.920 --> 0:33:44.400 things like that. 0:33:44.440 --> 0:33:45.640 So it was just a good fit. That's why I'm 0:33:45.680 --> 0:33:47.440 doing the peace could Yeah. 0:33:47.560 --> 0:33:49.800 Yeah, you know what a good book I just read 0:33:50.000 --> 0:33:52.880 on Cuba was called Cuba and American History by Ada Ferrar. 0:33:52.920 --> 0:33:53.960 If you're looking for a good. 0:33:53.800 --> 0:33:56.840 Book, awesome, Yeah, that'll keep you look into it. 0:33:56.960 --> 0:33:59.120 Okay, Well, good luck to you. Yeah, I would luck 0:33:59.400 --> 0:34:01.520 works out with you and just you know what I mean. 0:34:01.720 --> 0:34:05.160 Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing 0:34:05.200 --> 0:34:07.600 in this equation. You have to make sure that you're 0:34:07.880 --> 0:34:09.880 happy and all of the good things. 0:34:10.360 --> 0:34:13.879 Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. 0:34:14.200 --> 0:34:16.200 Well, keep in touch, okay, read and don't hit your 0:34:16.200 --> 0:34:17.080 hat when you stand up. 0:34:17.120 --> 0:34:19.840 Okay, I actually I actually did before I got on 0:34:19.840 --> 0:34:20.120 the call. 0:34:20.160 --> 0:34:20.720 That's so funny. 0:34:21.080 --> 0:34:22.719 I was like, is that a thatched roof? And then 0:34:22.719 --> 0:34:24.160 I'm like, no, it's actually. 0:34:23.840 --> 0:34:27.919 Would Yeah, too much beer in this giant mud. 0:34:28.080 --> 0:34:30.040 Yeah, we'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should 0:34:30.080 --> 0:34:31.160 continue to do as well. 0:34:31.200 --> 0:34:31.560 There we go. 0:34:31.680 --> 0:34:33.960 Yeah, all right, take carried all. 0:34:33.960 --> 0:34:35.680 Right, Well, thank you so much. Nice meeting your eye. 0:34:35.680 --> 0:34:36.040 And is me. 0:34:41.520 --> 0:34:44.160 It's so interesting being gay, Like I just would never 0:34:44.239 --> 0:34:46.960 be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my 0:34:47.080 --> 0:34:52.399 limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very 0:34:52.440 --> 0:34:55.239 hard to stay with somebody for longer. For now that 0:34:55.280 --> 0:34:58.799 people are living so long, it's just not natural, right. 0:34:58.800 --> 0:35:01.000 I just know, I mean, and I don't know. I 0:35:01.040 --> 0:35:03.600 think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous. 0:35:03.640 --> 0:35:06.040 It's day by day. You just got to go day 0:35:06.080 --> 0:35:08.319 by day with a relationship. I think the second you 0:35:08.440 --> 0:35:11.320 set all these expectations for years and years into the future, 0:35:11.880 --> 0:35:14.560 it's just natural for people to want to break those 0:35:14.640 --> 0:35:18.160 rules and not feel confined. But really, and it's crazy, 0:35:18.200 --> 0:35:20.399 Like some of my best friends, I have gay friends 0:35:20.440 --> 0:35:23.200 who just they're so like open, like, oh, I have 0:35:23.239 --> 0:35:26.120 an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and da 0:35:26.200 --> 0:35:28.720 da da da. So it depends on how you establish 0:35:28.800 --> 0:35:32.320 your relationship. And if you establish your relationship on trust 0:35:32.360 --> 0:35:35.319 and a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work 0:35:35.360 --> 0:35:38.400 for me. But I'm also Italian, so yeah. 0:35:38.440 --> 0:35:40.680 But I also don't want to fuck a bunch of 0:35:40.719 --> 0:35:43.560 guys like I. If I'm in love with someone, I 0:35:43.600 --> 0:35:46.200 just want to fuck that person, Like I've never had 0:35:46.239 --> 0:35:48.520 the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long 0:35:48.680 --> 0:35:50.960 enough to have the desire to have sex with other 0:35:51.000 --> 0:35:52.920 people because usually when I got out of a relationship, 0:35:52.960 --> 0:35:55.120 but I don't want any sex for a long time, 0:35:55.440 --> 0:35:56.839 it's like back the fuck off. 0:35:57.000 --> 0:35:59.440 That's not a healthy way to go. Then when you 0:35:59.440 --> 0:36:01.480 get out of a reallylationship and you're just sleeping around 0:36:01.560 --> 0:36:02.440 like calling all your. 0:36:02.280 --> 0:36:05.160 Exes, Yeah, that's I remember that. That's very young behavior 0:36:05.200 --> 0:36:07.000 when you get broken up with or you break up 0:36:07.040 --> 0:36:08.359 with someone and you want to go out to have 0:36:08.360 --> 0:36:10.680 revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having 0:36:10.680 --> 0:36:12.640 sex with somebody you don't give a shit about. True, 0:36:12.800 --> 0:36:15.200 it makes you feel so lame, like you're not getting 0:36:15.239 --> 0:36:15.960 that's not fun. 0:36:16.520 --> 0:36:18.319 I felt bad for I mean, to be honest, that 0:36:18.520 --> 0:36:19.920 situation sounds horrible. 0:36:20.160 --> 0:36:23.160 Well yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound horrible, but it doesn't 0:36:23.200 --> 0:36:25.640 sound like it's gotten to last. He's not holding on tightly. 0:36:25.719 --> 0:36:28.799 But you know, obviously when someone's kind of trying to 0:36:28.840 --> 0:36:31.480 be free, you can't hold on to them. You got 0:36:31.520 --> 0:36:32.480 to let them do their thing. 0:36:32.680 --> 0:36:35.759 And a fourteen hour time distance alone is like just 0:36:35.800 --> 0:36:36.400 as I. 0:36:36.560 --> 0:36:38.919 A six hour time difference, And that was hard enough, 0:36:39.200 --> 0:36:41.600 you know, because at like five pm, that's it. I'm 0:36:41.600 --> 0:36:43.600 not talking to him anymore. He's asleep, so it's in 0:36:43.719 --> 0:36:45.400 the rest of my night it's alone. You have to 0:36:45.400 --> 0:36:47.239 catch back up in the morning. It can be hard. 0:36:47.600 --> 0:36:48.880 I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New 0:36:48.920 --> 0:36:50.960 York and I lived in LA and he would call 0:36:51.040 --> 0:36:52.600 me when he got home at night, but it would 0:36:52.600 --> 0:36:54.360 be like three four in the morning. He owned a 0:36:54.400 --> 0:36:56.279 bunch of bars and restaurants at LA, so he was 0:36:56.280 --> 0:36:59.719 always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And 0:36:59.760 --> 0:37:02.080 I was so insecure in that relationship, and I just 0:37:02.239 --> 0:37:04.080 was like I would always be there, Like I'd wake 0:37:04.120 --> 0:37:05.400 up in the morning and check my phone and make 0:37:05.440 --> 0:37:06.880 sure that did he text me? Could I did he 0:37:06.920 --> 0:37:08.840 call me? Did he try? You know? And if he didn't, 0:37:08.840 --> 0:37:12.279 it was a huge fucking argument and it was so exhausting, 0:37:12.360 --> 0:37:15.799 like relationships like that age you you know, because you're 0:37:15.840 --> 0:37:17.640 not acting like your best self. You're not even acting 0:37:17.640 --> 0:37:21.000 like your real self because whoever like triggers you. And 0:37:21.040 --> 0:37:23.320 it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault, because 0:37:23.600 --> 0:37:25.440 I mean it was because he was lying about everything. 0:37:25.520 --> 0:37:27.040 But you know, if he had told me the truth, 0:37:27.040 --> 0:37:28.359 I was like, if you could just tell me the truth, 0:37:28.360 --> 0:37:30.040 then I could make my own decision about whether or 0:37:30.040 --> 0:37:31.239 not I want to participate in this. 0:37:31.360 --> 0:37:33.720 But alse you're spending all your time worrying and getting 0:37:33.760 --> 0:37:36.080 jealous and getting anxious, like all this energy could be 0:37:36.160 --> 0:37:39.000 put towards us to working towards a common goal, right 0:37:39.160 --> 0:37:41.080 and right now it's about him covering up and me 0:37:41.200 --> 0:37:44.760 worrying about it. It's like, not a I don't understand. 0:37:44.400 --> 0:37:47.200 That you could spend all that time masturbating actually, which 0:37:47.239 --> 0:37:48.920 is what my two friends who are staying with me 0:37:49.000 --> 0:37:51.080 from Canada are doing at my house right now. I 0:37:51.120 --> 0:37:53.120 just would like to make a public service announcement that 0:37:53.160 --> 0:37:55.480 my two friends are here visiting. But I get a 0:37:55.480 --> 0:37:57.040 lot of shit sent to my house and a lot 0:37:57.040 --> 0:37:59.879 of vibrators sent to my house. Whether they're from Goop 0:38:00.200 --> 0:38:02.600 or Whoop Do Do Woop, I don't know where. There 0:38:02.600 --> 0:38:05.120 are vibrators everywhere, and they're all in a box upstairs 0:38:05.120 --> 0:38:07.040 because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with 0:38:07.080 --> 0:38:10.880 a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged 0:38:10.920 --> 0:38:13.880 all my vibrators and have been jerking off NonStop in 0:38:13.920 --> 0:38:14.560 my house. 0:38:15.000 --> 0:38:17.399 An earth square because your house is sha so much. 0:38:17.520 --> 0:38:19.720 Yeah, this morning, my friend's like, buddy, that was the best. 0:38:19.880 --> 0:38:22.000 That is the best vibrator. You should try it. I'm 0:38:22.000 --> 0:38:24.720 like the one you just used. You want me to try? 0:38:24.880 --> 0:38:24.960 No? 0:38:25.120 --> 0:38:25.440 Thank you? 0:38:25.520 --> 0:38:27.719 From you know, there's a little bowl. I mean We'll 0:38:27.800 --> 0:38:28.440 be down with that. 0:38:28.640 --> 0:38:33.120 I've never seen anything like it, such a positive masturbation community. 0:38:34.800 --> 0:38:37.200 I have a joker. I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating. 0:38:37.239 --> 0:38:39.080 It's like I'm thirty six. I feel like I'm running 0:38:39.120 --> 0:38:41.920 an errand sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to 0:38:41.960 --> 0:38:43.120 be my own wife, and I'm like, not. 0:38:43.080 --> 0:38:45.120 Tonight, Hut, I have a headache. 0:38:45.280 --> 0:38:47.680 Yeah. 0:38:47.719 --> 0:38:51.000 Well, our next caller, Olivia, wanted to talk about an 0:38:51.000 --> 0:38:54.400 ex that's been texting her. So she says, Dear Chelsea, 0:38:54.880 --> 0:38:56.759 I'm a twenty nine year old lesbian and I've been 0:38:56.760 --> 0:38:58.759 married to my wife for two years and I've known 0:38:58.800 --> 0:39:01.319 her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my 0:39:01.320 --> 0:39:04.360 first girlfriend, whom I dated ten years ago. As you 0:39:04.400 --> 0:39:07.200 can imagine, your first girlfriend as a woman is very special. 0:39:07.719 --> 0:39:10.480 That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship 0:39:10.520 --> 0:39:12.919 with me. We made amends a couple of years ago 0:39:13.040 --> 0:39:15.759 after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship. 0:39:16.280 --> 0:39:19.120 Knowing we were both in relationships. We all began hanging out. 0:39:19.400 --> 0:39:21.560 The more we hung out, the more I realized I 0:39:21.600 --> 0:39:23.879 felt weird hanging out with my ex, and it got 0:39:23.920 --> 0:39:25.920 to the point where I needed to end our friendship. 0:39:26.200 --> 0:39:28.719 After a long day and night of drinking, I got 0:39:28.719 --> 0:39:31.000 the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult 0:39:31.000 --> 0:39:33.600 for me and I didn't want any part of it. Well, 0:39:33.640 --> 0:39:37.120 my wife overheard the conversation and we haven't spoken to 0:39:37.160 --> 0:39:39.800 them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the 0:39:39.840 --> 0:39:42.640 I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over. 0:39:43.360 --> 0:39:45.479 My now wife and I got engaged a few months 0:39:45.520 --> 0:39:47.719 after the incident, and we've been happily married for two 0:39:47.800 --> 0:39:49.840 years and are in the process of starting a family. 0:39:50.360 --> 0:39:52.960 I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I 0:39:53.000 --> 0:39:55.399 received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago, 0:39:55.680 --> 0:39:57.719 and it was the standard I miss you with a 0:39:57.719 --> 0:39:59.920 sprinkle of were meant to be in each other's lives. 0:40:00.320 --> 0:40:02.080 The moment I read it, I got very angry and 0:40:02.120 --> 0:40:04.440 wanted to respond to tell her please leave me alone, 0:40:04.480 --> 0:40:06.839 but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an 0:40:06.880 --> 0:40:09.080 asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with her, 0:40:09.120 --> 0:40:10.279 but I'm not sure what to say. 0:40:10.360 --> 0:40:15.279 Olivia, Hi, Olivia, Hello, Hi, this is Matteia Laine, our 0:40:15.280 --> 0:40:16.280 special guest today. 0:40:16.760 --> 0:40:19.440 Yes, hello, Hey, how are you good? 0:40:19.760 --> 0:40:19.960 Hi? 0:40:20.680 --> 0:40:22.480 I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off 0:40:22.520 --> 0:40:24.680 your ax. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you 0:40:24.680 --> 0:40:28.040 guys to have a relationship for it. Sounds like multiple reasons. 0:40:28.560 --> 0:40:31.440 Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because you know, 0:40:31.520 --> 0:40:36.320 there's a whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful, 0:40:36.400 --> 0:40:38.600 So I wasn't sure if I should at least just 0:40:38.800 --> 0:40:39.760 say something. 0:40:39.840 --> 0:40:42.840 I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries. 0:40:42.880 --> 0:40:44.759 If you had to explain to her multiple times that 0:40:44.800 --> 0:40:46.840 you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her, and 0:40:46.920 --> 0:40:50.760 she's still send you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost. 0:40:50.800 --> 0:40:53.839 I think ghosting is only rude if you've not communicated 0:40:53.880 --> 0:40:56.520 how you feel to that person, and you have so 0:40:56.920 --> 0:40:57.400 you don't need to. 0:40:57.680 --> 0:41:00.759 It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in 0:41:00.840 --> 0:41:02.920 a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they 0:41:02.920 --> 0:41:08.400 disappear without any explanation. You've already given her an explanation, correct, Yes, 0:41:08.560 --> 0:41:10.680 So how many times do you want to repeat yourself? 0:41:10.800 --> 0:41:12.440 Can't you just block her at this point? 0:41:13.120 --> 0:41:15.400 Yeah? Yeah, and I have, like throughout the years, I 0:41:15.400 --> 0:41:18.120 would block and then unblock, you know, not that whole 0:41:18.160 --> 0:41:19.080 toxic thing. 0:41:18.920 --> 0:41:21.279 But well that's stupid. Just blocker and be done with it. 0:41:21.440 --> 0:41:23.200 Just blocker and be done with it. Meeting her in 0:41:23.239 --> 0:41:25.600 your life. It's an ex girlfriend. They don't be sentimental 0:41:25.600 --> 0:41:27.920 about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship. 0:41:28.000 --> 0:41:30.520 That's more important in your life, right, your new relationship, 0:41:30.760 --> 0:41:33.320 So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation. 0:41:33.560 --> 0:41:36.640 You already told her. Say I'm done with you, miracle 0:41:36.640 --> 0:41:38.560 ear that's your last text, and then block her. 0:41:38.880 --> 0:41:41.000 I like how we're getting a very Natalie and Bruglia 0:41:41.200 --> 0:41:42.279 like music video. 0:41:42.440 --> 0:41:44.920 She's on the floor like where everyone's so good looking 0:41:44.920 --> 0:41:45.560 that calls. 0:41:45.320 --> 0:41:47.080 It everyone My god. 0:41:47.120 --> 0:41:49.560 I keep saying that, and it just sounds like we're biased. 0:41:49.600 --> 0:41:51.680 But no, I just can't live how good looking everyone is. 0:41:51.760 --> 0:41:56.080 Yeah, we have great but yeah, I think that you're 0:41:56.120 --> 0:41:58.640 just you don't want to leave the situation with the 0:41:58.680 --> 0:42:01.719 impression of like, I'm a bad person. But you're not 0:42:01.760 --> 0:42:04.000 a bad person. But you also can't allow people to 0:42:04.040 --> 0:42:06.239 just walk over you if they text you, If you've 0:42:06.280 --> 0:42:08.480 explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you 0:42:08.520 --> 0:42:11.040 have every right to stop them from entering your life. 0:42:11.440 --> 0:42:13.640 Yeah, And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of 0:42:13.680 --> 0:42:16.960 the friendship stirred ups and things, and obviously, like I 0:42:17.040 --> 0:42:19.319 caused a rift, like you talked about with your with 0:42:19.360 --> 0:42:21.200 your now wife, Do you want to talk a little 0:42:21.200 --> 0:42:23.120 bit about like the shame and stuff that brought up 0:42:23.120 --> 0:42:26.200 for you, I know, especially today and talking about this 0:42:26.239 --> 0:42:26.640 whole thing. 0:42:26.760 --> 0:42:28.799 Yeah, Yeah, it was like kind of even hard to 0:42:29.000 --> 0:42:32.520 connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it 0:42:32.560 --> 0:42:35.759 had happened, just because you don't want someone who you 0:42:35.840 --> 0:42:38.719 love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so 0:42:38.800 --> 0:42:42.160 personal with someone who you're not in love with, but 0:42:42.280 --> 0:42:44.839 it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs 0:42:44.840 --> 0:42:48.240 to happen, And so yeah, I just was really embarrassed 0:42:48.239 --> 0:42:50.200 about it, and we spoke about it. I went to 0:42:50.320 --> 0:42:53.480 therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now 0:42:53.520 --> 0:42:55.440 and we're planning to have a family. 0:42:55.880 --> 0:42:57.480 And how many cats do you have? 0:42:58.160 --> 0:42:58.399 One? 0:42:58.960 --> 0:43:01.239 Okay, you're gonna need to get another one. 0:43:03.800 --> 0:43:08.520 He won't like that. Yeah, Yeah, I just think you 0:43:08.560 --> 0:43:10.200 don't need to have any shame about this. 0:43:10.239 --> 0:43:12.400 I think you expressed I don't even understand what your 0:43:12.400 --> 0:43:15.080 shame is about towards your new wife for having the 0:43:15.120 --> 0:43:16.600 conversation with your ex girlfriend. 0:43:17.040 --> 0:43:19.520 No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and 0:43:19.560 --> 0:43:21.480 my wife overhearing the conversation. 0:43:21.960 --> 0:43:26.200 Oh no, that's that's like, yeah, don't don't feel shame 0:43:26.280 --> 0:43:29.360 and don't self immolate, like everyone is so hard on themselves. 0:43:29.640 --> 0:43:32.880 You're married, you're happy, you have a cat to go 0:43:32.960 --> 0:43:33.560 to the park. 0:43:33.880 --> 0:43:34.080 You know. 0:43:34.360 --> 0:43:36.520 Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her 0:43:36.560 --> 0:43:37.920 ex's already. 0:43:38.040 --> 0:43:40.120 Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. 0:43:40.160 --> 0:43:42.440 You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and 0:43:42.480 --> 0:43:43.880 your feelings all at the same. 0:43:43.680 --> 0:43:46.400 Time, especially when she's not respecting your wishes. 0:43:46.719 --> 0:43:49.359 Yeah, yeah, you're and there's a there's a reason you're 0:43:49.400 --> 0:43:51.560 not with her and you're with your wife now, who's 0:43:51.600 --> 0:43:54.480 like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight, 0:43:54.560 --> 0:43:56.440 in order to like get over some of these feelings, 0:43:56.520 --> 0:43:59.120 I think, make your wife a really nice dinner, have 0:43:59.200 --> 0:44:01.919 a romantic evening. I think you need to just say 0:44:01.960 --> 0:44:05.040 I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and 0:44:05.160 --> 0:44:07.080 just like have a wonderful candle at dinner tonight. 0:44:07.840 --> 0:44:11.000 Okay, Okay, we'll do we'll do that. 0:44:11.080 --> 0:44:19.799 Yeah, and play positive music, yes, yeah, Like Natalie and Brulia. 0:44:20.200 --> 0:44:22.040 All right, Olivia, thank you so much. 0:44:22.520 --> 0:44:23.799 All right, thank you all so much. 0:44:24.960 --> 0:44:26.400 Bye bye. 0:44:27.120 --> 0:44:28.480 Was Olivia in Ecuador too? 0:44:28.640 --> 0:44:30.600 I think so? I told her. I'm like, these are 0:44:30.719 --> 0:44:32.759 lesbian problems, like lesbian's always say. 0:44:33.040 --> 0:44:35.960 It seems to definitely have different problems, especially to gay men, 0:44:36.000 --> 0:44:38.399 because lesbians are more monogamous than gay guys. 0:44:38.480 --> 0:44:40.560 Right, Oh, yeah, you know the joke, right, well, stand 0:44:40.560 --> 0:44:42.440 a joke. What does lesbian bring on a second date 0:44:43.000 --> 0:44:46.239 her apartment? Yeah, you haul pretty much. But what does 0:44:46.239 --> 0:44:47.799 a gay bring on a second date? Oh? 0:44:47.800 --> 0:44:48.560 I don't know this part. 0:44:48.760 --> 0:44:49.600 What second date? 0:44:51.880 --> 0:44:54.479 I like that? Well, why don't we take a quick 0:44:54.520 --> 0:44:56.640 break and we'll be back. I have two kind of 0:44:56.640 --> 0:44:59.880 shorter questions. But there's some internet drama afoot. 0:45:00.120 --> 0:45:02.480 Oh okay, oh i'd like to I like the usage 0:45:02.480 --> 0:45:05.440 of a foot. Okay, we'll be right back later in 0:45:05.480 --> 0:45:14.680 a minute with our feet and we're back. 0:45:15.040 --> 0:45:15.640 We're back. 0:45:16.120 --> 0:45:20.080 Katie says, Hey, this is Katie courrct she almost every week? 0:45:20.560 --> 0:45:21.480 Is it really Katie? Correct? 0:45:21.640 --> 0:45:23.319 She does love you, she loves you very much. 0:45:23.520 --> 0:45:24.280 No, it's not Katie. 0:45:24.320 --> 0:45:25.440 Oh I would have lost my mind. 0:45:26.760 --> 0:45:29.600 This is dear Chelsea. My name's Katie. I'm twenty six 0:45:29.680 --> 0:45:32.000 years old. My husband of less than a year and 0:45:32.040 --> 0:45:34.440 I met in twenty sixteen, and three months later I 0:45:34.520 --> 0:45:36.600 was pregnant with our now almost five year old son. 0:45:37.080 --> 0:45:39.680 We were very toxic for a long time. He has 0:45:39.719 --> 0:45:42.680 issues with substance abuse and I had untreated mental illness. 0:45:43.040 --> 0:45:45.880 It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for 0:45:45.920 --> 0:45:47.920 two years, and then in twenty twenty we ended up 0:45:47.920 --> 0:45:50.960 getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that 0:45:51.000 --> 0:45:54.000 we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big 0:45:54.040 --> 0:45:56.360 thing for me is trust, and part of trust to 0:45:56.440 --> 0:45:59.800 me is having access to each other's phones. Not in 0:45:59.840 --> 0:46:02.160 the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone, 0:46:02.200 --> 0:46:04.840 but I want to know the password. Before we were married, 0:46:04.880 --> 0:46:07.040 I had my own fingerprint on his phone and he 0:46:07.120 --> 0:46:09.040 knows the password to mine, and we both had full 0:46:09.080 --> 0:46:11.799 access to each other's phones. Then one day after we 0:46:11.800 --> 0:46:14.800 were married, he decided to change his password and remove 0:46:14.840 --> 0:46:18.040 my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He 0:46:18.080 --> 0:46:19.799 says he has nothing to hide, and as far as 0:46:19.800 --> 0:46:22.040 I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if 0:46:22.040 --> 0:46:24.360 I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me. 0:46:24.719 --> 0:46:26.960 It bothers me it makes me feel like he's got 0:46:26.960 --> 0:46:29.480 something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to 0:46:29.520 --> 0:46:31.160 look at it if I didn't feel like he was 0:46:31.239 --> 0:46:33.759 hiding something from me. What should I do just keep 0:46:33.800 --> 0:46:35.839 going as if nothing's wrong? Or should I make this 0:46:35.920 --> 0:46:37.440 a big deal? Katie? 0:46:38.040 --> 0:46:40.799 My opinion is I hate when people look through each 0:46:40.840 --> 0:46:44.000 other and I find that to be so going. 0:46:43.760 --> 0:46:46.440 To step it. I think that your phone is your 0:46:46.480 --> 0:46:48.600 own business and to want to go through someone else's 0:46:48.640 --> 0:46:52.319 phone is unhealthy and insecure. Mm hmm. 0:46:52.560 --> 0:46:55.320 And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you 0:46:55.360 --> 0:46:57.439 to go through his phone after he's given you carte 0:46:57.480 --> 0:47:01.080 blanche access to it up until now. Then there's that 0:47:01.239 --> 0:47:03.120 side too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like 0:47:03.160 --> 0:47:06.040 he's up to something. And at the same time, I 0:47:06.120 --> 0:47:08.040 hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just 0:47:08.120 --> 0:47:11.239 such small behavior. So I don't know what to say 0:47:11.280 --> 0:47:13.279 to that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, he does, 0:47:13.320 --> 0:47:15.480 So why would he change her fingerprint all of a 0:47:15.520 --> 0:47:18.400 sudden and then jump every time she grabs the phone? 0:47:18.480 --> 0:47:20.279 That is kind of a red flag. So now that 0:47:20.360 --> 0:47:23.560 the Pandora's box has been opened, like, yeah, you got 0:47:23.560 --> 0:47:26.040 to find out what he's up to. But I would 0:47:26.040 --> 0:47:29.680 also say, like to anyone who's listening, like, do not 0:47:29.760 --> 0:47:32.200 start a relationship where you have access to each other's phones. 0:47:32.320 --> 0:47:35.680 Why is that necessary? You're starting out of mistrust Like 0:47:35.800 --> 0:47:38.480 that is You're always going to find something you don't like. 0:47:38.600 --> 0:47:40.520 He could be doing something as stupid as watching porn 0:47:40.520 --> 0:47:41.560 and he doesn't want you to see that. 0:47:41.719 --> 0:47:43.880 You know, Yeah, it could be like very normal porn. 0:47:44.280 --> 0:47:45.799 I mean, like brand and I have access to each 0:47:45.840 --> 0:47:47.680 other's phones. We like know each other's passwords, and I 0:47:47.760 --> 0:47:49.440 might grab his phones, like look something up on the 0:47:49.440 --> 0:47:52.439 internet if mine is not nearby, and he is fine 0:47:52.480 --> 0:47:55.239 with that. To me, I'm sort of like, if there's 0:47:55.280 --> 0:47:57.960 not an issue, if there's nothing to hide, why not 0:47:59.040 --> 0:48:01.440 you know, why why the need to hide it? But 0:48:01.840 --> 0:48:03.640 I don't know. I guess people can be embarrassed about 0:48:03.640 --> 0:48:06.320 things that are not red flags. 0:48:06.760 --> 0:48:08.360 You know what, You're probably right, Chelsea. I think it 0:48:08.400 --> 0:48:10.840 might just be something small, as like porn. You know, 0:48:10.960 --> 0:48:13.560 it doesn't necessarily not everything has to lead to their 0:48:13.640 --> 0:48:15.480 cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a 0:48:15.480 --> 0:48:19.120 little bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. She wants him 0:48:19.120 --> 0:48:21.120 to be cheating on her and to make and to 0:48:21.200 --> 0:48:23.239 meet that end. And I don't know if that's her 0:48:23.600 --> 0:48:26.520 enjoying the drama or she likes she hasn't dealt with 0:48:26.600 --> 0:48:28.600 any trauma or whatever that is if you're trying to 0:48:28.600 --> 0:48:31.000 replace something and get to a point where that that's 0:48:31.040 --> 0:48:33.320 where you end up, because I think that does happen, 0:48:34.000 --> 0:48:34.440 But it's. 0:48:34.320 --> 0:48:38.560 Another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting 0:48:38.600 --> 0:48:40.520 to know who they're talking to and what they're doing 0:48:40.600 --> 0:48:42.480 it every second of the day is not your fucking 0:48:42.520 --> 0:48:45.319 business unless you're sign these twins like that is not 0:48:45.719 --> 0:48:49.280 your pion and like you need autonomy as people because 0:48:49.320 --> 0:48:51.200 you're not attached to someone. You can be in a 0:48:51.239 --> 0:48:53.440 relationship with somebody, but that doesn't mean you own that 0:48:53.480 --> 0:48:56.520 person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts. 0:48:56.719 --> 0:48:58.440 The whole point of being in a relationship is you're 0:48:58.440 --> 0:49:01.640 bringing two people together. So I just think like starting 0:49:01.640 --> 0:49:04.359 a relationship out like that way with you just move 0:49:05.000 --> 0:49:08.040 just your phone, Like it's so dumb. Yeah, it's like 0:49:08.239 --> 0:49:09.920 you want to hold through my phone, look through it, 0:49:10.000 --> 0:49:11.960 but you're gonna find something that's going to piss you off. 0:49:11.960 --> 0:49:14.160 If you're that fucking paranoid in the first place. 0:49:14.160 --> 0:49:15.799 Right, Like, I don't have a desire to go through 0:49:15.800 --> 0:49:18.040 his phone or like look in his Instagram, DMS or 0:49:18.040 --> 0:49:20.000 his text messages because I'm not worried about it. 0:49:20.520 --> 0:49:25.000 More on that later. Anyway, I'm in trouble guys anyway. 0:49:25.040 --> 0:49:27.000 I mean, I guess we helped you, but I don't know, honey, 0:49:27.080 --> 0:49:29.560 So I but I would, Yeah, I guess find out 0:49:29.560 --> 0:49:32.200 now that you've find out, what is it? What's in there? 0:49:32.560 --> 0:49:34.600 So you think she should like try to get act I. 0:49:34.560 --> 0:49:36.879 Guess, yeah, they're married, right, Like. 0:49:37.080 --> 0:49:40.520 Yeah, I just want to know now, just for curiosity, 0:49:40.600 --> 0:49:42.120 so she can report back and let us know what 0:49:42.200 --> 0:49:43.080 she didn't find. 0:49:43.000 --> 0:49:45.000 Katie, let us know about the clown porn that you find. 0:49:45.120 --> 0:49:46.840 It's going to be like the al Capone Like they 0:49:46.920 --> 0:49:48.880 found his like that they opened that door and there 0:49:48.960 --> 0:49:51.640 was nothing inside. Do you remember that in the eighties, 0:49:51.640 --> 0:49:53.200 they were like, oh my god, we found al Capone's 0:49:53.239 --> 0:49:55.400 like hide away. What's going to be inside? They had 0:49:55.400 --> 0:49:57.560 all these cameras live TV. They opened it up empty. 0:49:58.800 --> 0:50:01.839 But we always assume there's something on the other side 0:50:01.880 --> 0:50:05.200 of that door. Yes, and it's just boring porn. 0:50:06.920 --> 0:50:12.719 Well, our last question today comes from d slightly similar question, 0:50:13.840 --> 0:50:16.920 you're Chelsea. Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me 0:50:17.000 --> 0:50:19.160 to the store because he said he had a surprise 0:50:19.239 --> 0:50:21.600 for me. He led me to the bathing suit section 0:50:21.920 --> 0:50:23.920 and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini. 0:50:24.440 --> 0:50:26.920 He said he had a specific one in mind. He 0:50:26.960 --> 0:50:29.080 then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a 0:50:29.120 --> 0:50:31.120 woman he went to high school with, and the style 0:50:31.160 --> 0:50:34.279 of bikini really made him think of me. Then he 0:50:34.320 --> 0:50:36.399 proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman 0:50:36.400 --> 0:50:38.760 who looks about twenty five years old with huge boobs 0:50:38.760 --> 0:50:41.600 and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single 0:50:41.600 --> 0:50:45.200 and always posts selfies. He hasn't talked to her in ages, 0:50:45.280 --> 0:50:47.040 but thought he could reach out to her and see 0:50:47.040 --> 0:50:49.680 where she got the suit. I could see the message 0:50:49.719 --> 0:50:51.800 quickly as he scrolled through the picks of the scantily 0:50:51.840 --> 0:50:55.480 clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great, 0:50:55.560 --> 0:50:57.640 and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd 0:50:57.680 --> 0:50:59.040 liked to buy one for his girlfriend. 0:50:59.400 --> 0:51:01.560 I'm sorry, at what point when she was writing this 0:51:01.719 --> 0:51:04.240 did she not say to herself, I can save myself 0:51:04.280 --> 0:51:06.319 the time and break up with him. 0:51:06.440 --> 0:51:07.960 My god, the. 0:51:07.920 --> 0:51:10.799 Bikini was pretty basic and just FAI am in my 0:51:10.840 --> 0:51:13.520 forties and my boyfriend is in his fifties. This woman 0:51:13.560 --> 0:51:15.600 went to high school with him. Kudos to her for 0:51:15.640 --> 0:51:19.080 aging gracefully or using filters anyway, I thanked him for 0:51:19.120 --> 0:51:21.520 the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. 0:51:21.840 --> 0:51:25.080 What is yours and Catherine's take on this, I'm curious, sincerely. 0:51:25.280 --> 0:51:29.920 D Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox. 0:51:30.760 --> 0:51:34.600 The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted. 0:51:34.760 --> 0:51:37.960 Yes, I was gonna say it's convoluted the fact that 0:51:38.000 --> 0:51:39.320 he's like this girl that was a high school with 0:51:39.360 --> 0:51:40.480 Then I thought him, and I thought about you, but 0:51:40.480 --> 0:51:42.000 I thought we should go to the store. And it's like, what, 0:51:42.120 --> 0:51:42.920 she's got a bikini? 0:51:42.960 --> 0:51:44.719 And so I d mented her and texted her, where 0:51:44.760 --> 0:51:46.400 did you get your bikini? Because I want to get 0:51:46.400 --> 0:51:48.239 one from my girlfriend. Sounds like he was trying to 0:51:48.239 --> 0:51:50.439 fucking hook up with that girl. What are you doing? 0:51:50.600 --> 0:51:50.799 Well? 0:51:50.840 --> 0:51:52.680 Like, I don't know would he have been that open 0:51:52.719 --> 0:51:53.640 with her about. 0:51:53.400 --> 0:51:56.600 It if he was just so dumb, like, you don't 0:51:56.840 --> 0:51:59.880 need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million, 0:52:00.000 --> 0:52:01.560 I think suits out there that would be and it's 0:52:01.600 --> 0:52:03.279 similar to whatever. 0:52:03.120 --> 0:52:05.920 And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole. 0:52:06.160 --> 0:52:08.520 He's giving way too much explanation. All he had to 0:52:08.600 --> 0:52:11.799 do was without her by the bikini and say, you 0:52:11.840 --> 0:52:13.799 know what, I think he would look really hot in 0:52:13.840 --> 0:52:15.879 this and move it along. You don't have to say 0:52:15.880 --> 0:52:17.200 this girl went to high school with and this and that. 0:52:17.280 --> 0:52:21.440 But I think whatever, it's like what, you're insane. 0:52:21.640 --> 0:52:23.480 I don't know if it's breakappable, but like, this guy 0:52:23.520 --> 0:52:24.360 sounds like a dummy. 0:52:24.520 --> 0:52:24.880 It's not. 0:52:25.480 --> 0:52:27.879 It's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such 0:52:27.920 --> 0:52:31.000 a yeah, like a dumb ass, like a doe. Yeah. 0:52:31.120 --> 0:52:33.960 I mean men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's 0:52:34.000 --> 0:52:37.319 just sometimes embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them 0:52:37.320 --> 0:52:37.880 some credit. 0:52:38.120 --> 0:52:41.280 Oh please, Well now that we've solved that. 0:52:41.440 --> 0:52:43.359 Well that was easy, yes, pie, I mean I don't 0:52:43.360 --> 0:52:46.560 think we really fucking helped anybody today. But uh no, 0:52:46.680 --> 0:52:48.120 heavy lifting over here. 0:52:48.920 --> 0:52:51.239 We maybe broke reads hard. I do feel a little 0:52:51.239 --> 0:52:51.879 bad about that. 0:52:51.960 --> 0:52:54.560 But what are you gonna do in Ecuador? We didn't 0:52:54.600 --> 0:52:58.200 do anything. His boyfriend, who's everyone that moves. 0:52:58.680 --> 0:53:00.759 He's twenty four years old. He's going to be fine. 0:53:00.880 --> 0:53:04.160 Can it be going to recuperate way before he knows it. Yes, okay, 0:53:04.200 --> 0:53:06.759 well thanks for being here again today, Mattea, thank you 0:53:06.800 --> 0:53:08.480 so much for having Metayo and I are going to 0:53:08.520 --> 0:53:10.160 go eat some food now. I'm going to take him 0:53:10.160 --> 0:53:15.360 to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast. Bye, guys, 0:53:15.360 --> 0:53:16.160 we'll see you next by. 0:53:17.880 --> 0:53:20.280 If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email 0:53:20.320 --> 0:53:23.360 at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be 0:53:23.400 --> 0:53:26.440 sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited 0:53:26.440 --> 0:53:30.120 and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and 0:53:30.160 --> 0:53:32.600 be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot 0:53:32.600 --> 0:53:36.200 com