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Speaker 1: Hi, everybody. It's the week of July fourth, and I

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Speaker 1: would like to say in honor of Independence Day? Is

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Speaker 1: that what July fourth? Yes, it is Independence Day. I've

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Speaker 1: forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right,

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Speaker 1: like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure Flag Day is there's something wrong with that time.

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Speaker 1: No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good

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Speaker 1: day to have a threesome. I always say, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's a three day week it's a three day weekend.

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Speaker 1: If it's a three day weekend or it's Flag Day,

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Speaker 1: then you can get up to some funky stuff like

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Speaker 1: anal or whatever you're into. I love that I invented anal.

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Speaker 1: So thank you, Thank you for your gift to the world.

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Speaker 2: Chelsea. Do you think that your partner should also be

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Speaker 2: your best friend?

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Speaker 1: I don't care about any well, I mean I guess

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Speaker 1: I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great

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Speaker 1: and sometimes it's not. Ultimately, yes, they have to be

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Speaker 1: your closest confidant and like know everything. I mean, you

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Speaker 1: don't have to tell them everything, obviously. I think women

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Speaker 1: have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: if you can combine those two but it's very annoying

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Speaker 1: when people are like, he's.

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Speaker 2: My best friends.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go,

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Speaker 1: let me guess, because she took a while to text

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Speaker 1: me back. I go hello, Hello. I'm like, shalom, where

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Speaker 1: are you? And she writes she's like, sorry, sorry, I

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Speaker 1: was cooking, And I said, yeah, I bet you're listening

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Speaker 1: to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen because

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Speaker 1: that's her thing. Yeah, and she goes, and then my husband,

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Speaker 1: whose name i'll leave out, she goes. Then he came

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Speaker 1: home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's nice to fall in love and have those feelings,

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Speaker 1: but I think as you age, it's the closest person

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Speaker 1: to you, so do they also need to be your bestie?

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Speaker 1: It's a little interdependent.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I think, you know, it's great to

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Speaker 2: have a friendship with your partner, but also like you

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Speaker 2: should have other best friends.

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Speaker 1: Well, yea, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner,

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Speaker 1: because that's a problem. A lot of people have where

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Speaker 1: they feel like they're in love, but they don't like

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Speaker 1: their partner. So it's very important to like your partner

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Speaker 1: because without that, then there's that comes with respect, and

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Speaker 1: if you don't respect them, then then everything falls apart.

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Speaker 2: I feel really lucky. Grew up with a dad who

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Speaker 2: was like, women can get anything they want on their own.

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Speaker 2: They can get money, they can have their own house,

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Speaker 2: they can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms,

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Speaker 2: but the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh.

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Speaker 2: That's what you should look for, someone who like you,

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Speaker 2: dig their vibe and they crack you up.

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Speaker 1: Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little

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Speaker 1: Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added

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Speaker 1: a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so

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Speaker 1: that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my

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Speaker 1: favorite day of the week or the year, I guess.

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Speaker 1: We added a second show in Boston at the Wang

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Speaker 1: Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in

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Speaker 1: New York. I also have a show in East Hampton,

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Speaker 1: New York. August twenty six we added a second show

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Speaker 1: in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and

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Speaker 1: Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco, two shows there.

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Speaker 1: We added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh.

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Speaker 1: Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the

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Speaker 1: Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to

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Speaker 1: Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.

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Speaker 1: So I will see everybody at all of these shows.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Next

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Speaker 1: guest is back by popular demand because everybody just loved

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Speaker 1: him and his absolute gayness, which everybody appreciates on this show.

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Speaker 1: Our gay guests are our highest rated guests. Who knew

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Speaker 1: we had just a bunch of what are we called

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Speaker 1: when you hang out with gay guys? But we can't

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Speaker 1: say that right.

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Speaker 3: Flies can't say that either.

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Speaker 1: Oh really, fruit flies are out? Okay, so Ravo fans,

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Speaker 1: but I don't even watch Bravo, you know what. I'm

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Speaker 1: so sick of. I'm so sick of hearing about that

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Speaker 1: fucking show with whatever just happened in Maddox and some

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Speaker 1: divorce they sent me a break down to explain it

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Speaker 1: on social media for all of the people who don't

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Speaker 1: watch the show and need to understand what's going on.

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Speaker 1: I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: his new special is Availa on YouTube. It's called hair

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Speaker 1: Plugs and Heartache, and you're gonna fucking love it because

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Speaker 1: everybody loves Mateo Lane. So welcome Mateo Lane.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be back, having.

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Speaker 1: You back your second appearance. Like Juliana Margulis, who's also

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Speaker 1: very popular on this podcast, we have had two. She's

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Speaker 1: coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her

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Speaker 1: third episode. But I have to tell you, Mateo, so

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Speaker 1: much has happened. I have so many men that want

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Speaker 1: to fuck you. That's contenting me about fucking you. So

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Speaker 1: one of my new friends, a newer neighbor, actually was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, you got to set me up with Matteo.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, but I think he's

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Speaker 1: kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that.

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Speaker 1: I just assumed I've only seen you out with a

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Speaker 1: couple guys, and it seems to be consistent and you

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Speaker 1: have a type, and so I let him know that

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Speaker 1: he's not it, and he's like, well, could you just

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Speaker 1: ask him? And I asked him and then I heard

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Speaker 1: the news this morning. I was leaving my house and

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Speaker 1: my assistant Casey, I said, oh, Mateo's on the podcast

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Speaker 1: because we've recorded Joel Kim Booster yesterday. I love. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he's pretty solid and uh and he was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm so obsessed with Mateo. I go, oh my god.

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Speaker 1: Everyone wants to fuck Mateo. And then I found out

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Speaker 1: that Mateo has a boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Well, it's it's all very new, but it's I think

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Speaker 3: a couple of months, but it's like that it's the

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Speaker 3: healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with, Like someone

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Speaker 3: who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves. And

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Speaker 3: I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually

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Speaker 3: I love hot men that hate me. But he's great.

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Speaker 3: He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York.

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Speaker 3: I'm in Mexico. We're going Italy together in a couple

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Speaker 3: of weeks.

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Speaker 1: N So, do you speak Spanish to him?

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Speaker 3: I do, well, we speak more English because his English

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Speaker 3: is really good, but I do speak Spanish, but I

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Speaker 3: have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish, so everyone's like,

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Speaker 3: you sound like Mario super Mario. Yeah, oh no, you know,

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Speaker 3: pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really it feels very good,

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Speaker 3: very healthy. And he also understands, like, I mean, it's

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Speaker 3: long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates is going

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Speaker 3: to have to date long distance, right, you know, you know,

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Speaker 3: on the road.

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Speaker 1: But it's preferable in a relationship. I think it is

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Speaker 1: preferable in our day and age. There are so many

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Speaker 1: ways to communicate, and the only way to not get

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Speaker 1: sick of somebody is to not see them all the time.

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Speaker 1: I agree, And it keeps the fire burning, right, yes.

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Speaker 3: Yes, but it's nice that so many people you don't

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Speaker 3: want to fuck me. I know, I feels good.

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Speaker 1: I know. I mean you must be used to that though,

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Speaker 1: getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people people

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Speaker 1: wanting to set you up with their friends.

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Speaker 3: Right, Yes, that happened. That does happen pretty often. But

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Speaker 3: you know, I don't know. I'm I kind of just

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Speaker 3: I'm on planes, I play video games, then I do shows.

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Speaker 1: So how did you hook up with this guy?

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Speaker 3: I just started following him on Instagram because he was

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Speaker 3: so gorgeous, and then I said him like a hard

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Speaker 3: emogi in the heat, like someone Back then we're just chatting.

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Speaker 3: It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all

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Speaker 3: the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number, and

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Speaker 3: then it was facetiming all day.

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Speaker 1: Before you saw each other, were facetiming. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And then I met him at the airport in New York.

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Speaker 3: And then before I met him, I was like, what

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Speaker 3: the fuck? Why did I agree to this? Like some

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Speaker 3: strangers come in my home. Now I got to like

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Speaker 3: take him around New York. The second I met him,

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Speaker 3: I thought, he's going to be in my life for

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Speaker 3: a while.

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Speaker 1: That's cute. What do you mean you met him at

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Speaker 1: the airport?

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Speaker 3: Did you picked him up?

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Speaker 1: Oh that's old school MATEO. I don't even know how

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Speaker 1: to get to the airport.

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Speaker 2: When you're meeting someone for the first time. Do you

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Speaker 2: like bring flowers? Do you bring I.

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Speaker 3: Brought an approaching bar.

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Speaker 1: No, Catherine, no one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers

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Speaker 1: or hard boiled eggs to the fucking air Thin lives

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Speaker 1: in La La Land.

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Speaker 3: I love that now, Chelsea. Anytime I'm on a flight

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Speaker 3: and I see something like people with their feet up.

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Speaker 3: I just text you.

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Speaker 1: My dms are so filled with people. They were like

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Speaker 1: I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever, and

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Speaker 1: look what happened. And I'm like, I want to help

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Speaker 1: you people, but I need to stop getting fee in

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Speaker 1: my dms. There's a whole There was a New York

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Speaker 1: Times article with its flight attendant who said, like, these

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Speaker 1: are our requests moving forward, Please honor these things. And

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Speaker 1: then one that I thought was interesting was don't recline

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Speaker 1: your seat until you asked the person behind you. And

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, no, I disagree. Disagree. I disagree too.

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Speaker 1: So based on what that you can't work. It's not

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Speaker 1: like you're lying down into someone's lap.

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Speaker 2: Here's the thing. Traveling with a husband who's six foot five,

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Speaker 2: even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are

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Speaker 2: against the person's seat back, and so when they put

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Speaker 2: it back, like really hard, it's really painful. Yeah, so

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Speaker 2: that's that's.

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Speaker 1: What it is.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think if I have someone who's six foot

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Speaker 3: five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them.

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Speaker 3: But usually I was peak right, Well, I think I

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Speaker 3: agree with you if everyone has the option to go back,

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Speaker 3: because what are you going to say you can't go back,

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Speaker 3: but then I can.

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Speaker 1: That's it's that argument, Yeah, you can't go back because

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Speaker 1: someone too tall is behind you. Also, like, I get it,

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Speaker 1: it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that, but at

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Speaker 1: the same time, it's like I have to sit erect

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Speaker 1: because you're so tall. I mean, I just like and

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Speaker 1: then well, I always think it's so annoying when they

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Speaker 1: come over and put your seat back up before takeoff,

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Speaker 1: Like why what the fuck is gonna happen when I'm

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Speaker 1: reclined in ten degrees during takeoff? Like is the whole

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Speaker 1: plane going to blow up? But I thought it was

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Speaker 1: interesting that the flight attendants had this whole thing of rules,

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Speaker 1: Please don't talk to other people's children, don't yell at

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Speaker 1: other people's children, because there was this article that came

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Speaker 1: out about South Korea that were doing public spaces, that

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Speaker 1: were talking about they wanted to prohibit children in certain

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Speaker 1: public spaces, and I was like, even, I think that's

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Speaker 1: wrong because they're part of society. Like it's one thing

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Speaker 1: to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed,

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Speaker 1: but not in parks or like public areas. They have

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Speaker 1: every right to be there. I don't want to see

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Speaker 1: them either, but I don't want to discriminate against children.

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Speaker 1: They didn't ask to be fucking born anyway. That's that.

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Speaker 1: Back to your relationship, Mateia, when was the last time

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Speaker 1: you had a long term relationship? Have you ever?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? I did. I've only had two boyfriends, and the

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Speaker 3: last one was on and off for four years. That

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Speaker 3: was but really on and off. I mean, we were together,

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Speaker 3: then we break up.

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Speaker 1: So volatile. Would you describe it as volatile? Turbulent?

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Speaker 3: It was turbulent. It was a lot of turbulence, and

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Speaker 3: I didn't have a seat belt. So yeah, but you know,

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Speaker 3: we ended up becoming friends, like him and I stayed friends.

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Speaker 1: That's nice.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person

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Speaker 3: I've ever dated where I thought to myself, like, oh,

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Speaker 3: they also could be a friend. Like when I dated,

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Speaker 3: I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating,

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Speaker 3: so like I have to behave a certain way or

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Speaker 3: look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: we can just be weird and go karaokeing with each

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Speaker 3: other and have fun and be silly and I don't care,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So it feels good and isn't it a big difference

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Speaker 1: when somebody has gone to therapy, Like obviously, but I

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Speaker 1: don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy.

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Speaker 3: It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better, deeper. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and I think honesty is key to most of it.

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Speaker 3: Just be honest, Like, you know, I felt I was

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Speaker 3: always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that

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Speaker 3: I was jealous, is that I was insecure because my

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Speaker 3: partner in the past was doing things on purpose to

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Speaker 3: get that out of me in a way to make

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Speaker 3: themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like he'll

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Speaker 3: be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy,

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Speaker 3: and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like,

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Speaker 3: oh that guy's attracted, don't feel a strategy. I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: that's because he's a good communicator.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. It's also the ability to communicate the greatest thing

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Speaker 1: about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the

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Speaker 1: ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel

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Speaker 1: insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate

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Speaker 1: that like this makes me feel this way, instead of

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Speaker 1: you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling you what's

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Speaker 1: your therapy story. How long have you I've been.

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Speaker 3: Going to the same therapist for almost two years now.

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Speaker 3: He's great. He's gay, which I really like.

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Speaker 1: That's probably best, right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute,

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Speaker 3: I would say certain things that he either wouldn't understand

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Speaker 3: or he would say, well, you know, just because you're

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Speaker 3: gay doesn't mean, like you know, everyone has it. I'm like, no,

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Speaker 3: there are some things that are specific.

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Speaker 2: It's a worldview thing.

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Speaker 3: It's a worldf you think. My friend Joel Johnson is

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Speaker 3: a great comic. She was like, you know, I want

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Speaker 3: to see a black woman because I'm black, and they're

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Speaker 3: going to understand my experiences and it'll just make me

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Speaker 3: more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find

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Speaker 3: my therapist and I was like, yeah, I feel like

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Speaker 3: a gay guy would be I don't have to explain anything.

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Speaker 3: And she was like, you should find someone who's gay.

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Speaker 3: And he's right. I see him every Tuesday. It's great.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I would like I had a gay therapist once.

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Speaker 1: I did because my friend was going to him and

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Speaker 1: I thought it would be great, and it had no

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Speaker 1: impact at all on our therapy, like I mean, it

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Speaker 1: was obviously I don't need a straight therapist. I don't

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Speaker 1: think I actually like to. I relate to gay men

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Speaker 1: a lot too, so I find when you're around a

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Speaker 1: straight For me, I become attracted to people when they're

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Speaker 1: smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel,

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Speaker 1: thank god, because he's half the size of me, so

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Speaker 1: I wasn't going to be attracted to him, and I'm

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Speaker 1: you know, he's an older man and he's married, so

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Speaker 1: that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I

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Speaker 1: like being vulnerable in front of a man for some reason.

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Speaker 1: There's like a dynamic there that I respect, probably because

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Speaker 1: I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like

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Speaker 1: want someone to take care of you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're in a position of power, and it's sort.

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Speaker 1: Of any doctor I want to fuck after they helped me,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, anyone as soon as I like,

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Speaker 1: I have to go get an epidural in my neck

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Speaker 1: for my slip disc or whatever. My neck is so

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Speaker 1: fucking annoying, and I'm going to be attracted to the

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Speaker 1: anesthesiologists because they put me under and anytime that happens.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon

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Speaker 1: as they are holding my hand and they're like okay,

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Speaker 1: count back from ten, I'm like, I'm I want feelings

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Speaker 1: for you. And then you never see them again. So

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Speaker 1: it's kind of like the perfect encounter, Like yeah, okay,

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Speaker 1: we're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll

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Speaker 1: be right back. We're back.

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Speaker 2: We haven't taken a bath in a Why.

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Speaker 1: Well, we don't have a bath at this studio. That's

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Speaker 1: why it's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers.

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Speaker 2: I don't.

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Speaker 1: I tried to take a bath the other night, and

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Speaker 1: I was so stoned when I got home. I I,

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Speaker 1: this is really not a funny story. It's it's embarrassing,

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Speaker 1: but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach

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Speaker 1: flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea

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Speaker 1: for three days on the road, and one night it

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Speaker 1: was so bad I just kept running the bathroom, grinding

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Speaker 1: in the bathroom, and my opener was on stage and

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Speaker 1: I was sweating like sick, and I was backstage. There's

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Speaker 1: my security guard and then a strange security guard that

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Speaker 1: I've never met, just watching me while I'm sitting there

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Speaker 1: trying to clench my asshole so that nothing else hts.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, just I have to get on stage,

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Speaker 1: because you know, you get on stage and it all

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Speaker 1: goes adrenaline takes over you never like that is the

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Speaker 1: perfect elixir for any time you're saying get on stage,

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Speaker 1: if you get in front of a large, crowded and

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Speaker 1: I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this,

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Speaker 1: like oh, and then I had the decision do I

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Speaker 1: run in the bathroom one more time or she's getting off,

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Speaker 1: or do I just go? And because I was like,

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Speaker 1: what would happen if I shot my pants on stage?

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Speaker 1: Like what would I do? Would I continue? I think

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Speaker 1: I would if it's far enough away from everybody. I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to.

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Speaker 3: Say, Oh, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that the smell obviously would be a problem,

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Speaker 1: but I mean I'm always wearing black, so it's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh,

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Speaker 1: it was just so terrible. Obviously everything went fine. I

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Speaker 1: got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning.

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Speaker 3: So clip though it is straight when I get on stage,

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Speaker 3: if I'm sick, I'm not sick. If I'm never sneezed

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Speaker 3: on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes everything phrases.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true. A dreynonline is a powerful tool.

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Speaker 3: Well good, Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running

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Speaker 3: to the comedy seller.

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Speaker 1: Take a zou fran that's actually good for really Yeah,

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Speaker 1: zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. Oh, I found

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Speaker 1: out the hard way. I already use I'm going to

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Speaker 1: Africa for the summer, and I've already used half of

360
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Speaker 1: my drugs that are Africa for now because oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm having all of the illnesses and I'm supposed to

362
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Speaker 1: have an Africa already. I'm like, can I get a

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Speaker 1: refill on that zip bro.

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Speaker 2: Well. Our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea.

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Speaker 2: I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: He feels like my forever person, but we've run into

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Speaker 2: a few speed bumps in combining finances. My partner loves

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Speaker 2: to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a

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Speaker 2: good bit more money than me, so he's starting to

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Speaker 2: travel without me a lot and planning more trips in

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Speaker 2: the future solo because he can afford to go. I'm

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Speaker 2: happy for him, or at least I really want to be.

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Speaker 3: Is she? Because she's writing us, how happy could she be?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: When you travel a lot, So I thought this was

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Speaker 2: a good question for you. We're currently trying to start

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Speaker 2: a family, buy a house, and plan for a small wedding,

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Speaker 2: so all my finances feel tied up in the future.

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Speaker 2: So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my

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Speaker 2: budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling

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Speaker 2: ways to spend my time when he is away, but

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Speaker 2: I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending

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Speaker 2: seeing the world alone. The question am I short changing

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Speaker 2: myself by not asking my partner to give up a

385
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Speaker 2: few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop

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Speaker 2: all of it because I want him to be happy

387
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Speaker 2: and I don't want to fight about money or attempt

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Speaker 2: to control how he lives his life. Is it okay

389
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Speaker 2: that I feel sad and that I'm getting left behind

390
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Speaker 2: for trying to be responsible with my money. Should I

391
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Speaker 2: just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling

392
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Speaker 2: with him? Or should I get a third job so

393
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Speaker 2: I can save money and travel and not feel as

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Speaker 2: sorry for myself that I can't do it all, Josephine.

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Speaker 1: Don't get a third job, Like, why would you do

396
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Speaker 1: that if you don't have to?

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Speaker 2: I think out of this, Kay, yeah, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

399
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Speaker 3: I'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this game exactly

400
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Speaker 3: do alone?

401
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,600
Speaker 1: Who is he traveling with? If he's not traveling with

402
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Speaker 1: her by.

403
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Speaker 3: Apparently by himself, he's just going to Croatia by himself.

404
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,639
Speaker 3: That's I would also be I'm like, Okay, who are

405
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Speaker 3: you meeting? Who you hanging out with? What are you

406
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Speaker 3: doing alone? Like, I don't want to travel alone.

407
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Speaker 2: You want to be with your person, if you have

408
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Speaker 2: a person, If you have.

409
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Speaker 1: A person, and also he should want to be with her,

410
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Speaker 1: and like wait until she has the money or save

411
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Speaker 1: the money together, or be generous enough to say, I've

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Speaker 1: got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You

413
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Speaker 1: can come. I know you can't afford it right now.

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Speaker 3: Maybe plan less trips, but with trips that you can

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Speaker 3: afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you

416
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Speaker 3: want to do? Yes?

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Speaker 1: But I would say, also, you're planning a small wedding.

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Speaker 1: This is good information for you to have before you

419
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Speaker 1: get married to somebody, because what's going to happen when

420
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Speaker 1: you get married. Is he going to continue to go

421
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Speaker 1: on trips by himself?

422
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Speaker 3: Is he going to do his honeymoon alone? Yeah, I'm

423
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Speaker 3: going to go to Vietnam alone.

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Speaker 1: And I also, just like, you know, this whole co

425
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Speaker 1: mingling thing of finances. I just don't understand why once

426
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Speaker 1: you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like

427
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,440
Speaker 1: a shared pot of Like not that you share all

428
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Speaker 1: of your money with each other, but like what do

429
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,720
Speaker 1: we our expenses together? And in the areas where somebody

430
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Speaker 1: needs help, the person who's making more money should be

431
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Speaker 1: willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed

432
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Speaker 1: to spend your life with this person. It's going to

433
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,440
Speaker 1: be sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially,

434
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 1: and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially,

435
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,040
Speaker 1: So you're both gonna have to scratch each other's back

436
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,000
Speaker 1: at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love,

437
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,840
Speaker 1: that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you

438
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,000
Speaker 1: should give all your money away to a stranger. But

439
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:37,919
Speaker 1: I'm saying, like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and

440
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,720
Speaker 1: wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple,

441
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,040
Speaker 1: so I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole.

442
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,479
Speaker 3: But he really does selling an ass It's like, I'm

443
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,399
Speaker 3: going to take trips by myself and I'm not going

444
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,760
Speaker 3: I love that. Like, what's her deal with the relationship

445
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,680
Speaker 3: that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah, I

446
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,399
Speaker 3: write this letter to Chelsea Handler, you should feel bad.

447
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,640
Speaker 3: I would feel bad for you. My boyfriend's like, I'm

448
00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,200
Speaker 3: taking trips all by myself, bye bye. I'd be like, okay, okay,

449
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,520
Speaker 3: I'll be home playing angry birds, Like you don't want

450
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:04,920
Speaker 3: me to come with it all? Are we to local

451
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:05,600
Speaker 3: shit together?

452
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,600
Speaker 1: I think when you're in a relationship that's like that,

453
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,200
Speaker 1: it's totally fine to go on a trip or two

454
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,720
Speaker 1: by yourself or with your friends, of course, but not

455
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:18,280
Speaker 1: as a regular thing. That's kind of like very inconsiderate.

456
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,840
Speaker 2: The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of

457
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,760
Speaker 2: saving for their future on herself. I don't love this.

458
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,480
Speaker 3: Is she communicating she you know what she needs to do.

459
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,800
Speaker 3: She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey,

460
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,919
Speaker 3: instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stale.

461
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, And also, who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing. Yeah,

462
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,440
Speaker 2: I know that this is also like get in front

463
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,600
Speaker 2: of a couple's counselor because he might have some like

464
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,639
Speaker 2: backlash of like, wow, I'm just doing my thing and

465
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,800
Speaker 2: why would you want to staple me?

466
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 1: Good point, he should, Well, they're gonna have to split

467
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,040
Speaker 1: that one. But also I think you know, when you

468
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,119
Speaker 1: see things that make you not feel good about yourself,

469
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,040
Speaker 1: you have to pay attention to those, especially before you

470
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:03,000
Speaker 1: marry someone, because those things usually just intensify once that

471
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,080
Speaker 1: deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase people

472
00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:09,320
Speaker 1: aren't on their best game, things are only going to

473
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:13,200
Speaker 1: get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward.

474
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,720
Speaker 1: So like, I think you should really address this, and

475
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,159
Speaker 1: a counselor would be a great idea. Or you can

476
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,800
Speaker 1: just tell him to go fuck himself. But it sounds

477
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:20,480
Speaker 1: like you like him.

478
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,760
Speaker 3: So how would he feel if she went on a

479
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:23,920
Speaker 3: trip without him.

480
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,679
Speaker 1: I'm sure he would say he's fine with that, no problem,

481
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,160
Speaker 1: because he knows it's not a real actuality, Like it's

482
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,159
Speaker 1: probably not going to happen.

483
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a real big

484
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 2: red flag. Josephine and go take into a counselor well,

485
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:41,280
Speaker 2: our first caller today is Read. He is in Ecuador

486
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,320
Speaker 2: and he is in the Peace Corps. He is twenty four.

487
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 2: Reid says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship

488
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,720
Speaker 2: with my boyfriend for over a year and I'm totally smitten. However,

489
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,400
Speaker 2: I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a fourteen

490
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,600
Speaker 2: hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this.

491
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,480
Speaker 2: But his boyfriend is in South Korea, and of course,

492
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,879
Speaker 2: because we're in our twenties, we decided that we should

493
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,720
Speaker 2: try an open relationship to grapple with the distance. Since then,

494
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,680
Speaker 2: I've hooked up with a few people here and there,

495
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,080
Speaker 2: but no one really excites me like my boyfriend, and

496
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:13,720
Speaker 2: I've recently stopped seeking out other people all together. My boyfriend,

497
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:18,080
Speaker 2: on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently,

498
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,720
Speaker 2: I've become overcome by emotions of incredible jealous money. It

499
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,800
Speaker 2: appears as though he's unable to go out with his

500
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 2: friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy

501
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,399
Speaker 2: problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurity

502
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 2: is stemming from those problems. Make it harder for me

503
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,399
Speaker 2: to be at peace while he's having fun. I also

504
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,360
Speaker 2: think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all

505
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,639
Speaker 2: and actively wants me to hook up with other people

506
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,840
Speaker 2: like fight for me anyway. I want to cut off

507
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,920
Speaker 2: the open part of our relationship, but I don't want

508
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,920
Speaker 2: to gate keep his self discovery and experimentation as he's

509
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 2: somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene.

510
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,440
Speaker 2: What should I do? Clever? Sign off?

511
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,320
Speaker 3: Read Hi, Read Hi, read Ola Ola Ola?

512
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:57,640
Speaker 4: Come much done? How are y'all?

513
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:02,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're gonna do this.

514
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,440
Speaker 3: That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That look

515
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 3: like a measuring cup for baking.

516
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,200
Speaker 1: You've never had coffeeidor that's how they serve.

517
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 2: Excellent.

518
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,280
Speaker 1: I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking

519
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,680
Speaker 1: enjoyed that beer. But it has to stay cold.

520
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree.

521
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,080
Speaker 2: It's a good when it's very hot out. Are you

522
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 2: been doing yard work? Yeah?

523
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,440
Speaker 1: Have you been doing yard work the Peace Corps? Are

524
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:25,960
Speaker 1: you gonna answer?

525
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 4: I did sign for yard right now?

526
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 1: No, good for you. That's nice that you're in the

527
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 1: Peace Corps. Good boy. I love that.

528
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you, thank you so well.

529
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,320
Speaker 1: Matteo is a registered gay man so I'm going to

530
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,639
Speaker 1: let him start with this, and because you have more

531
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:41,280
Speaker 1: experience in.

532
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,720
Speaker 3: This, yeah, I think that. So you guys are in

533
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,639
Speaker 3: an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of

534
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,480
Speaker 3: gay people are queer people will tend to go back

535
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,000
Speaker 3: and forth like I'm open or no, we're like monogamous,

536
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,879
Speaker 3: And I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we

537
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 3: want is the benefit of being gay is that we

538
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 3: don't have to follow the same rules of society. But

539
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:02,439
Speaker 3: that doesn't necessary. I mean, it still works for you. So,

540
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 3: like I understand that you're saying like, Okay, well we're

541
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,200
Speaker 3: separate and this is the healthy thing to do and

542
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,199
Speaker 3: blah blah, But if you're already starting to run into

543
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,040
Speaker 3: issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it

544
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,120
Speaker 3: would be time to have a conversation with your partner

545
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,960
Speaker 3: and be like, you know, I know this is something

546
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,919
Speaker 3: we agreed on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way.

547
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,199
Speaker 3: Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in

548
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,399
Speaker 3: South Korea? Or you know? Because I just feel like

549
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 3: I have friends who literally clean the house for the

550
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,119
Speaker 3: other person's grinder appointment. He's like their boyfriend's like, oh,

551
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 3: I can clean in the house, He's got a grinder

552
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,560
Speaker 3: date and then I'm getting out of here. Well, I

553
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 3: think that's great. I don't work that way. I work

554
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,600
Speaker 3: better in monogamy because I'm maybe because I'm obscure, I

555
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 3: don't know, but I'm sensitive. So I think it just depends.

556
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,879
Speaker 3: And if would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship,

557
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 3: did you do the open relationship because you felt that

558
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 3: was the right thing to do to keep him?

559
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,879
Speaker 5: I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship

560
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 5: for sure.

561
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,879
Speaker 4: I didn't do it because I felt like that was

562
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:54,840
Speaker 4: how I would keep him.

563
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,040
Speaker 5: I did it because, you know, there's a lot of

564
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,639
Speaker 5: distance where continents away, there's a massive time difference. I

565
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,360
Speaker 5: can only talk to him in the morning or at night,

566
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,760
Speaker 5: and so you know, like there's also like certain needs

567
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,959
Speaker 5: and things that happen, and so like it just was

568
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 5: a logical step for me. It wasn't necessarily in fear

569
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:13,080
Speaker 5: of the relationship falling apart.

570
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,159
Speaker 3: Now, when is the next time you guys will be

571
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:16,880
Speaker 3: with each other?

572
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 4: Eight It depends.

573
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:24,639
Speaker 5: So I'm in Ecuador until twenty twenty five, Oh my god.

574
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 5: And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to

575
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 5: the US because he was deported, So we don't really

576
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 5: know when we'll be in the same country again, though

577
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 5: hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in.

578
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,200
Speaker 1: August or September so he can visit you. How long

579
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:39,359
Speaker 1: can he come to Ecuador for.

580
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,200
Speaker 4: I mean, it depends on his work, schuess and everything.

581
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,160
Speaker 4: It would only probably be for like two weeks.

582
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, it was very generous of you a

583
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,679
Speaker 1: to just like open up your relationship when that's not

584
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,360
Speaker 1: really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice

585
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:51,840
Speaker 1: of you to do. And all you can do is

586
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 1: be honest. I think that's all you can do with

587
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: any relationship, because you have every right to be want

588
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: to be monogamous, and he has every right to want

589
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,919
Speaker 1: to be, you know, not monogamous, have lots of different

590
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,359
Speaker 1: lovers and experience, and especially since you said he's to

591
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 1: write out of the closet, all you can do is

592
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,119
Speaker 1: have an open conversation with him and said this is

593
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker,

594
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 1: but I just want you to know. I mean, have

595
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: you said anything like this yet.

596
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after.

597
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 5: Actually, I wrote the email to you all, and I said,

598
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,119
Speaker 5: I was like, I don't really know if this is

599
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,239
Speaker 5: working for me right now. I don't really know how

600
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,480
Speaker 5: I feel about the open component of what we've got

601
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 5: going on. And when we started the open relationship, we

602
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,880
Speaker 5: kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody

603
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,160
Speaker 5: wants to close the relationship, we have to close it.

604
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,920
Speaker 5: And so I kind of indicated that that I wanted

605
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 5: to close it. But then he said, okay, fine, like

606
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 5: I understand, we made that agreement that if one of

607
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,120
Speaker 5: us wants to close, the other one has to agree.

608
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,160
Speaker 5: So he acquiesced. But then he kind of also said

609
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 5: at the same time, I'm also like really exploring myself.

610
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 5: I'm learning more things about my sexuality as I'm out

611
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,960
Speaker 5: here meeting different men and you know, immersing myself into

612
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 5: the gate community and gay scene in a different way.

613
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,919
Speaker 5: And I also don't want to lose that. So then

614
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 5: I kind of backtracked and said, Okay, well, I understand

615
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 5: where you're coming from, and I don't want to as

616
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,680
Speaker 5: I mentioned the email, I don't really want to gate

617
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,960
Speaker 5: keep your self discos and your experiences. So I again

618
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,359
Speaker 5: kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation

619
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 5: for that reason.

620
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like when people need space or time,

621
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: you should give them double even if it comes to

622
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,560
Speaker 1: a point where you kind of like he should definitely

623
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,960
Speaker 1: come visit you, if and when that's possible. But I

624
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 1: think you should look at the relationship as like a

625
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:27,159
Speaker 1: maybe instead of everything right. Hopefully he'll circle back around.

626
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 1: He has to sew his oats. Everybody has to get

627
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: that out of their system at some point, and it

628
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,119
Speaker 1: sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as

629
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,600
Speaker 1: long as you if you can tolerate that and giving

630
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 1: him the space you know, you should do that. And

631
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: if you can't, and if you get to the point

632
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 1: where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because

633
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,320
Speaker 1: of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say, like, listen,

634
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 1: I really care about you and I do not want

635
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,480
Speaker 1: to limit you at all, but why don't you go

636
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 1: do your thing. I still would love you to visit me,

637
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,920
Speaker 1: but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship.

638
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,640
Speaker 1: You know, that way, it doesn't feel like such an

639
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: affront with him hooking up and that way, maybe when

640
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,000
Speaker 1: you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of

641
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 1: why you guys were in a relationship in the first place,

642
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 1: and so much will have been under the bridge at

643
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 1: that point that maybe he will have sown his oats

644
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 1: and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get

645
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,920
Speaker 1: into a normal relationship. But I would only send the

646
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:20,720
Speaker 1: relationship if you get to a point where it's just

647
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,560
Speaker 1: really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable

648
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,160
Speaker 1: what you're describing, as young as you guys both are,

649
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,400
Speaker 1: with that time distance, with everything up in the air,

650
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: and not knowing when he's going to be able to

651
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 1: really like get out of there permanently or come live

652
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: with you or whatever you're you know what I mean.

653
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:41,280
Speaker 1: It's just it's a young love and it doesn't sound

654
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 1: very practical or sustainable.

655
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, it feels like, you know, something that might work

656
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 2: really well is when you're together, you're together exactly what

657
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,439
Speaker 2: Chelsea's describing, and when you're a part, you're apart, but

658
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 2: you like know that you're in love. I know, this

659
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 2: is the worst thing you can say to someone who's

660
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,359
Speaker 2: twenty four and in love, but people come back together if

661
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 2: they're meant to be together. You know, I really do

662
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 2: believe that.

663
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: What's that saying, though, saying when I let someone go,

664
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:08,640
Speaker 1: if they fly away.

665
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 3: If that's the Maria lyrics from Butterfly.

666
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 1: Let it fly, fly, fly away, and if.

667
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,360
Speaker 3: It comes back, it was meant to.

668
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,199
Speaker 1: Be, and if it doesn't, it was never yours to

669
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 1: begin with. I listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than

670
00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 1: I do. I care.

671
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know what My suggestion is, just listen to

672
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 3: Mariah Carey's Butterfly album and over and over again, and

673
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 3: you'll find all of your answers there. Okay, not win

674
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 3: in DOWB.

675
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 1: So how do you so? I mean, you seem like

676
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 1: you're okay. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that.

677
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 4: At Ebbs and Flows.

678
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,640
Speaker 5: I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was

679
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 5: really in my feelings about it, because there had been

680
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 5: like a couple issues, Like there was like an STD scare,

681
00:28:55,760 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 5: there was him kind of being not super communicative, and

682
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 5: so there were problems at the time when I wrote

683
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 5: the letter, And like the last week or so since

684
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 5: then has been like a lot better and I feel

685
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 5: a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently.

686
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 3: How long have you guys been together for.

687
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,240
Speaker 5: We've been dating for about fifteen months over a year.

688
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 3: Like you're like one of those mothers that has like

689
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,480
Speaker 3: a seventeenth month year old child, and instead of saying

690
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 3: one and a half, you're like, yeah, any other eighty

691
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 3: five months?

692
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 5: Well, because I don't know, yeah, yeah, sure, you're like

693
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 5: fifteen months.

694
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:26,560
Speaker 3: Not that I'm counting.

695
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 1: It's what were you going to say before? Mitteo is

696
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: so rudely interrupted you.

697
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 5: The last week, so I felt more secure in what

698
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 5: we've got going on. But I know he's out partying

699
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,680
Speaker 5: right now, yeah, because the time different. So it's like

700
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 5: four am in Soul and I know he's out with

701
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 5: the guy he like soak up with, and he normally

702
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 5: texted me good night, and he hasn't text me good night,

703
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 5: So I'm like, what the fuck? But that's just me

704
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 5: like getting into my own head and like being bound

705
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:51,680
Speaker 5: by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the

706
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 5: past and all these other things. I'm trying to rationalize

707
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,280
Speaker 5: my emotions when I feel like I should just be

708
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:56,960
Speaker 5: able to feel them.

709
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 3: It really doesn't sound great.

710
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound great. Here's what I want to say

711
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 1: to you. I understand everyone has been through this. You're jealous,

712
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 1: and you're looking at the phone and you're when are

713
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,400
Speaker 1: they gonna call? What are they gonna text? Are they home?

714
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,680
Speaker 1: Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps, You're

715
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 1: doing a lot of great shit on your own. I

716
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,520
Speaker 1: really would urge you to just kind of try to

717
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:20,920
Speaker 1: redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know

718
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,520
Speaker 1: it's harder to do than to say, but it is

719
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: a practice, like anything, to not obsess over what he's doing,

720
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 1: because it's really nothing you can control and you know that,

721
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,480
Speaker 1: and focus on your efforts on what's happening with you

722
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 1: down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding

723
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: yourself with. That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're

724
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 1: never going to get this time back, you know what

725
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 1: I mean, So better to have it spent being present

726
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 1: and meeting guys down there.

727
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 5: You know.

728
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, just because you had sex with a couple guys

729
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 1: that didn't interest you, that doesn't mean that no one

730
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,719
Speaker 1: in Ecuador will interest you.

731
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 5: Yeah, But I do think that's also a bit of

732
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 5: the issue I've been having too, is like I'm living

733
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 5: in like a little bit of a smaller city there's

734
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 5: not a lot of people around the more rural and

735
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 5: so my options just as a gay man in general, I.

736
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:04,959
Speaker 3: Mean, yeah, it looks like you're calling me from like

737
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 3: the back of a shed, love shed. That's a lot.

738
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 5: Literally, I'm like in a house like right off the highway. Yeah,

739
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 5: it's like there's just like I am living in a

740
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 5: smaller area. There's not a whole lot going on. There's

741
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,120
Speaker 5: not a lot of options for me, even like if

742
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:19,920
Speaker 5: I wanted to get out there and like see other people,

743
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,480
Speaker 5: have sex, other people, whatever it is.

744
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 4: It's rather limited.

745
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,640
Speaker 5: Where he's in like a major metropolitan city, he's able

746
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 5: to live his twenties in a better way.

747
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:28,600
Speaker 3: What's the biggest city near you?

748
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 4: Quito is about four or five hours away.

749
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:33,680
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, you can't just kid.

750
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say you get some really fucking good

751
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 1: books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're

752
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,600
Speaker 1: obviously a responsible, caring individual, and I would say to

753
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,560
Speaker 1: spend that time really filling your brain up, because nothing

754
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: works as escapism to me like a book does, and

755
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,160
Speaker 1: especially when you're down there in this kind of different

756
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: part of the world. There's so much to learn in

757
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: their books that they have available there just about that

758
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,240
Speaker 1: whole about all of South America, Like you could be

759
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so

760
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 1: that you're not looking at your phone, you're not spending it,

761
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: and also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not

762
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 1: checking your phone, you know what I mean, give yourself

763
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,880
Speaker 1: a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for

764
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: him to check in where you don't look. You just

765
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 1: have to get off of the habit and fill yourself

766
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: off in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing

767
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: it so just I mean, I am, I am. Of

768
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,480
Speaker 1: course that's always an option, but if people are few

769
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: and far between, figure out other ways to entertain yourself.

770
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 1: And the last time you spend on your on your phone,

771
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, well find a nice girl entertain DA would

772
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: be so proud. Oh yeah yeah right, yeah, you're like dad,

773
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,840
Speaker 1: I met a woman. She's an Ecuador. We're together. It's over.

774
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 1: My gayness is over. It's stopped. It's it flew away

775
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 1: like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way, but seriously,

776
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,200
Speaker 1: you're awesome. You're handsome, you're smart, you're fun, and you

777
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: have a good vibe. Going. Don't let someone else kind

778
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,680
Speaker 1: of take out your joy and you know, for life

779
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 1: and learning and growing.

780
00:32:57,920 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 3: Also, does he party every single day?

781
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 1: Sounds like it.

782
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 5: No, it's not like an every night thing. No, but

783
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 5: like a couple of times a week. And I just

784
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 5: like he's going out. I know where he's going. I

785
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 5: still have friends in the city, right, so like they

786
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 5: see him out, Like some of them will like texting

787
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 5: being like yo, I saw your man tonight doing X,

788
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 5: Y and C.

789
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 3: Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting

790
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 3: you about. You got to put an end to that.

791
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not fun to s Did you used to

792
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,240
Speaker 1: live in South Korea?

793
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 6: Yeah?

794
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,520
Speaker 4: I lived there last year after I graduated college.

795
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:28,680
Speaker 1: Oh what brought you there? Or took you there?

796
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 5: I should I didn't want to get a real job,

797
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 5: so I taught English there for a year. I'm an

798
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 5: anthropology student. Oh cool, I'm going to go back to the

799
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:37,480
Speaker 5: level and.

800
00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 4: Get a PhD anthopology.

801
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,840
Speaker 5: So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people,

802
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 5: things like that.

803
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 4: So it was just a good fit. That's why I'm

804
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 4: doing the peace could Yeah.

805
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:49,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what a good book I just read

806
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,880
Speaker 1: on Cuba was called Cuba and American History by Ada Ferrar.

807
00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: If you're looking for a good.

808
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 4: Book, awesome, Yeah, that'll keep you look into it.

809
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, good luck to you. Yeah, I would luck

810
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:01,520
Speaker 1: works out with you and just you know what I mean.

811
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 1: Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing

812
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:07,600
Speaker 1: in this equation. You have to make sure that you're

813
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,880
Speaker 1: happy and all of the good things.

814
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:13,879
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.

815
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 2: Well, keep in touch, okay, read and don't hit your

816
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 2: hat when you stand up.

817
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,840
Speaker 5: Okay, I actually I actually did before I got on

818
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:20,120
Speaker 5: the call.

819
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:20,720
Speaker 4: That's so funny.

820
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:22,719
Speaker 1: I was like, is that a thatched roof? And then

821
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:24,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, it's actually.

822
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:27,919
Speaker 5: Would Yeah, too much beer in this giant mud.

823
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should

824
00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: continue to do as well.

825
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 3: There we go.

826
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, take carried all.

827
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 4: Right, Well, thank you so much. Nice meeting your eye.

828
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 3: And is me.

829
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 1: It's so interesting being gay, Like I just would never

830
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:46,960
Speaker 1: be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my

831
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:52,399
Speaker 1: limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very

832
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:55,239
Speaker 1: hard to stay with somebody for longer. For now that

833
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:58,799
Speaker 1: people are living so long, it's just not natural, right.

834
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 3: I just know, I mean, and I don't know. I

835
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 3: think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous.

836
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,040
Speaker 3: It's day by day. You just got to go day

837
00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 3: by day with a relationship. I think the second you

838
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,320
Speaker 3: set all these expectations for years and years into the future,

839
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,560
Speaker 3: it's just natural for people to want to break those

840
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 3: rules and not feel confined. But really, and it's crazy,

841
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,399
Speaker 3: Like some of my best friends, I have gay friends

842
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 3: who just they're so like open, like, oh, I have

843
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 3: an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and da

844
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:28,720
Speaker 3: da da da. So it depends on how you establish

845
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,320
Speaker 3: your relationship. And if you establish your relationship on trust

846
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:35,319
Speaker 3: and a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work

847
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,400
Speaker 3: for me. But I'm also Italian, so yeah.

848
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,680
Speaker 1: But I also don't want to fuck a bunch of

849
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: guys like I. If I'm in love with someone, I

850
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 1: just want to fuck that person, Like I've never had

851
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 1: the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long

852
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,960
Speaker 1: enough to have the desire to have sex with other

853
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,920
Speaker 1: people because usually when I got out of a relationship,

854
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,120
Speaker 1: but I don't want any sex for a long time,

855
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:56,839
Speaker 1: it's like back the fuck off.

856
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,440
Speaker 3: That's not a healthy way to go. Then when you

857
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,480
Speaker 3: get out of a reallylationship and you're just sleeping around

858
00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:02,440
Speaker 3: like calling all your.

859
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:05,160
Speaker 1: Exes, Yeah, that's I remember that. That's very young behavior

860
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 1: when you get broken up with or you break up

861
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,359
Speaker 1: with someone and you want to go out to have

862
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 1: revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having

863
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 1: sex with somebody you don't give a shit about. True,

864
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 1: it makes you feel so lame, like you're not getting

865
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 1: that's not fun.

866
00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 3: I felt bad for I mean, to be honest, that

867
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:19,920
Speaker 3: situation sounds horrible.

868
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 1: Well yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound horrible, but it doesn't

869
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 1: sound like it's gotten to last. He's not holding on tightly.

870
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,799
Speaker 1: But you know, obviously when someone's kind of trying to

871
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: be free, you can't hold on to them. You got

872
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 1: to let them do their thing.

873
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,759
Speaker 2: And a fourteen hour time distance alone is like just

874
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:36,400
Speaker 2: as I.

875
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,919
Speaker 3: A six hour time difference, And that was hard enough,

876
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 3: you know, because at like five pm, that's it. I'm

877
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,600
Speaker 3: not talking to him anymore. He's asleep, so it's in

878
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:45,400
Speaker 3: the rest of my night it's alone. You have to

879
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,239
Speaker 3: catch back up in the morning. It can be hard.

880
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:48,880
Speaker 1: I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New

881
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 1: York and I lived in LA and he would call

882
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:52,600
Speaker 1: me when he got home at night, but it would

883
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:54,360
Speaker 1: be like three four in the morning. He owned a

884
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:56,279
Speaker 1: bunch of bars and restaurants at LA, so he was

885
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 1: always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And

886
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 1: I was so insecure in that relationship, and I just

887
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 1: was like I would always be there, Like I'd wake

888
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:05,400
Speaker 1: up in the morning and check my phone and make

889
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:06,880
Speaker 1: sure that did he text me? Could I did he

890
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:08,840
Speaker 1: call me? Did he try? You know? And if he didn't,

891
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 1: it was a huge fucking argument and it was so exhausting,

892
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: like relationships like that age you you know, because you're

893
00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: not acting like your best self. You're not even acting

894
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 1: like your real self because whoever like triggers you. And

895
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 1: it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault, because

896
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,440
Speaker 1: I mean it was because he was lying about everything.

897
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: But you know, if he had told me the truth,

898
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,359
Speaker 1: I was like, if you could just tell me the truth,

899
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: then I could make my own decision about whether or

900
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:31,239
Speaker 1: not I want to participate in this.

901
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,720
Speaker 3: But alse you're spending all your time worrying and getting

902
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,080
Speaker 3: jealous and getting anxious, like all this energy could be

903
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 3: put towards us to working towards a common goal, right

904
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,080
Speaker 3: and right now it's about him covering up and me

905
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,760
Speaker 3: worrying about it. It's like, not a I don't understand.

906
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 1: That you could spend all that time masturbating actually, which

907
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:48,920
Speaker 1: is what my two friends who are staying with me

908
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,080
Speaker 1: from Canada are doing at my house right now. I

909
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 1: just would like to make a public service announcement that

910
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,480
Speaker 1: my two friends are here visiting. But I get a

911
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,040
Speaker 1: lot of shit sent to my house and a lot

912
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,879
Speaker 1: of vibrators sent to my house. Whether they're from Goop

913
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,600
Speaker 1: or Whoop Do Do Woop, I don't know where. There

914
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:05,120
Speaker 1: are vibrators everywhere, and they're all in a box upstairs

915
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with

916
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,880
Speaker 1: a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged

917
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 1: all my vibrators and have been jerking off NonStop in

918
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:14,560
Speaker 1: my house.

919
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,399
Speaker 3: An earth square because your house is sha so much.

920
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:19,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, this morning, my friend's like, buddy, that was the best.

921
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,000
Speaker 1: That is the best vibrator. You should try it. I'm

922
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,720
Speaker 1: like the one you just used. You want me to try?

923
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:24,960
Speaker 5: No?

924
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:25,440
Speaker 1: Thank you?

925
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:27,719
Speaker 2: From you know, there's a little bowl. I mean We'll

926
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 2: be down with that.

927
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: I've never seen anything like it, such a positive masturbation community.

928
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:37,200
Speaker 3: I have a joker. I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating.

929
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 3: It's like I'm thirty six. I feel like I'm running

930
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,920
Speaker 3: an errand sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to

931
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 3: be my own wife, and I'm like, not.

932
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: Tonight, Hut, I have a headache.

933
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,680
Speaker 3: Yeah.

934
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 2: Well, our next caller, Olivia, wanted to talk about an

935
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:54,400
Speaker 2: ex that's been texting her. So she says, Dear Chelsea,

936
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 2: I'm a twenty nine year old lesbian and I've been

937
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 2: married to my wife for two years and I've known

938
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,319
Speaker 2: her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my

939
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 2: first girlfriend, whom I dated ten years ago. As you

940
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 2: can imagine, your first girlfriend as a woman is very special.

941
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 2: That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship

942
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,919
Speaker 2: with me. We made amends a couple of years ago

943
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,759
Speaker 2: after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship.

944
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 2: Knowing we were both in relationships. We all began hanging out.

945
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,560
Speaker 2: The more we hung out, the more I realized I

946
00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:23,879
Speaker 2: felt weird hanging out with my ex, and it got

947
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 2: to the point where I needed to end our friendship.

948
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,719
Speaker 2: After a long day and night of drinking, I got

949
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 2: the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult

950
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 2: for me and I didn't want any part of it. Well,

951
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 2: my wife overheard the conversation and we haven't spoken to

952
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,800
Speaker 2: them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the

953
00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 2: I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over.

954
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,479
Speaker 2: My now wife and I got engaged a few months

955
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 2: after the incident, and we've been happily married for two

956
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,840
Speaker 2: years and are in the process of starting a family.

957
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 2: I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I

958
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,399
Speaker 2: received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago,

959
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,719
Speaker 2: and it was the standard I miss you with a

960
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 2: sprinkle of were meant to be in each other's lives.

961
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,080
Speaker 2: The moment I read it, I got very angry and

962
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,440
Speaker 2: wanted to respond to tell her please leave me alone,

963
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,839
Speaker 2: but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an

964
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 2: asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with her,

965
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,279
Speaker 2: but I'm not sure what to say.

966
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 1: Olivia, Hi, Olivia, Hello, Hi, this is Matteia Laine, our

967
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:16,280
Speaker 1: special guest today.

968
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:19,440
Speaker 3: Yes, hello, Hey, how are you good?

969
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:19,960
Speaker 2: Hi?

970
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,480
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off

971
00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:24,680
Speaker 1: your ax. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you

972
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 1: guys to have a relationship for it. Sounds like multiple reasons.

973
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 6: Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because you know,

974
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:36,320
Speaker 6: there's a whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful,

975
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 6: So I wasn't sure if I should at least just

976
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:39,760
Speaker 6: say something.

977
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 3: I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries.

978
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 3: If you had to explain to her multiple times that

979
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,840
Speaker 3: you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her, and

980
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,760
Speaker 3: she's still send you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost.

981
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,839
Speaker 3: I think ghosting is only rude if you've not communicated

982
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 3: how you feel to that person, and you have so

983
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:57,400
Speaker 3: you don't need to.

984
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 1: It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in

985
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 1: a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they

986
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:08,400
Speaker 1: disappear without any explanation. You've already given her an explanation, correct, Yes,

987
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,680
Speaker 1: So how many times do you want to repeat yourself?

988
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 1: Can't you just block her at this point?

989
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,400
Speaker 6: Yeah? Yeah, and I have, like throughout the years, I

990
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 6: would block and then unblock, you know, not that whole

991
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 6: toxic thing.

992
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:21,279
Speaker 1: But well that's stupid. Just blocker and be done with it.

993
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,200
Speaker 1: Just blocker and be done with it. Meeting her in

994
00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:25,600
Speaker 1: your life. It's an ex girlfriend. They don't be sentimental

995
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:27,920
Speaker 1: about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship.

996
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 1: That's more important in your life, right, your new relationship,

997
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,320
Speaker 1: So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation.

998
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,640
Speaker 1: You already told her. Say I'm done with you, miracle

999
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: ear that's your last text, and then block her.

1000
00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:41,000
Speaker 3: I like how we're getting a very Natalie and Bruglia

1001
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 3: like music video.

1002
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,920
Speaker 1: She's on the floor like where everyone's so good looking

1003
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: that calls.

1004
00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,080
Speaker 3: It everyone My god.

1005
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,560
Speaker 1: I keep saying that, and it just sounds like we're biased.

1006
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 1: But no, I just can't live how good looking everyone is.

1007
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have great but yeah, I think that you're

1008
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,640
Speaker 3: just you don't want to leave the situation with the

1009
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,719
Speaker 3: impression of like, I'm a bad person. But you're not

1010
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:04,000
Speaker 3: a bad person. But you also can't allow people to

1011
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 3: just walk over you if they text you, If you've

1012
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 3: explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you

1013
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:11,040
Speaker 3: have every right to stop them from entering your life.

1014
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of

1015
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 2: the friendship stirred ups and things, and obviously, like I

1016
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 2: caused a rift, like you talked about with your with

1017
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:21,200
Speaker 2: your now wife, Do you want to talk a little

1018
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,120
Speaker 2: bit about like the shame and stuff that brought up

1019
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 2: for you, I know, especially today and talking about this

1020
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 2: whole thing.

1021
00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,799
Speaker 6: Yeah, Yeah, it was like kind of even hard to

1022
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,520
Speaker 6: connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it

1023
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,759
Speaker 6: had happened, just because you don't want someone who you

1024
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 6: love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so

1025
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 6: personal with someone who you're not in love with, but

1026
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:44,839
Speaker 6: it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs

1027
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:48,240
Speaker 6: to happen, And so yeah, I just was really embarrassed

1028
00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 6: about it, and we spoke about it. I went to

1029
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 6: therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now

1030
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 6: and we're planning to have a family.

1031
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,480
Speaker 3: And how many cats do you have?

1032
00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:58,399
Speaker 6: One?

1033
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 1: Okay, you're gonna need to get another one.

1034
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 2: He won't like that. Yeah, Yeah, I just think you

1035
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 2: don't need to have any shame about this.

1036
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,400
Speaker 1: I think you expressed I don't even understand what your

1037
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 1: shame is about towards your new wife for having the

1038
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 1: conversation with your ex girlfriend.

1039
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 6: No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and

1040
00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 6: my wife overhearing the conversation.

1041
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:26,200
Speaker 1: Oh no, that's that's like, yeah, don't don't feel shame

1042
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,360
Speaker 1: and don't self immolate, like everyone is so hard on themselves.

1043
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: You're married, you're happy, you have a cat to go

1044
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 1: to the park.

1045
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 5: You know.

1046
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,520
Speaker 3: Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her

1047
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:37,920
Speaker 3: ex's already.

1048
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:40,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

1049
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:42,440
Speaker 3: You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and

1050
00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 3: your feelings all at the same.

1051
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:46,400
Speaker 1: Time, especially when she's not respecting your wishes.

1052
00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:49,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you're and there's a there's a reason you're

1053
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 2: not with her and you're with your wife now, who's

1054
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,480
Speaker 2: like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight,

1055
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,440
Speaker 2: in order to like get over some of these feelings,

1056
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 2: I think, make your wife a really nice dinner, have

1057
00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:01,919
Speaker 2: a romantic evening. I think you need to just say

1058
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 2: I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and

1059
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,080
Speaker 2: just like have a wonderful candle at dinner tonight.

1060
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 6: Okay, Okay, we'll do we'll do that.

1061
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:19,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, and play positive music, yes, yeah, Like Natalie and Brulia.

1062
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,040
Speaker 2: All right, Olivia, thank you so much.

1063
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:23,799
Speaker 6: All right, thank you all so much.

1064
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:26,400
Speaker 2: Bye bye.

1065
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:28,480
Speaker 1: Was Olivia in Ecuador too?

1066
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:30,600
Speaker 2: I think so? I told her. I'm like, these are

1067
00:44:30,719 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 2: lesbian problems, like lesbian's always say.

1068
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 1: It seems to definitely have different problems, especially to gay men,

1069
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,399
Speaker 1: because lesbians are more monogamous than gay guys.

1070
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 3: Right, Oh, yeah, you know the joke, right, well, stand

1071
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 3: a joke. What does lesbian bring on a second date

1072
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,239
Speaker 3: her apartment? Yeah, you haul pretty much. But what does

1073
00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:47,799
Speaker 3: a gay bring on a second date? Oh?

1074
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:48,560
Speaker 2: I don't know this part.

1075
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 3: What second date?

1076
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:54,479
Speaker 2: I like that? Well, why don't we take a quick

1077
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 2: break and we'll be back. I have two kind of

1078
00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 2: shorter questions. But there's some internet drama afoot.

1079
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 1: Oh okay, oh i'd like to I like the usage

1080
00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,440
Speaker 1: of a foot. Okay, we'll be right back later in

1081
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:14,680
Speaker 1: a minute with our feet and we're back.

1082
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 2: We're back.

1083
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:20,080
Speaker 1: Katie says, Hey, this is Katie courrct she almost every week?

1084
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:21,480
Speaker 3: Is it really Katie? Correct?

1085
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,319
Speaker 2: She does love you, she loves you very much.

1086
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:24,280
Speaker 1: No, it's not Katie.

1087
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 3: Oh I would have lost my mind.

1088
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 2: This is dear Chelsea. My name's Katie. I'm twenty six

1089
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:32,000
Speaker 2: years old. My husband of less than a year and

1090
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,440
Speaker 2: I met in twenty sixteen, and three months later I

1091
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,600
Speaker 2: was pregnant with our now almost five year old son.

1092
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 2: We were very toxic for a long time. He has

1093
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:42,680
Speaker 2: issues with substance abuse and I had untreated mental illness.

1094
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:45,880
Speaker 2: It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for

1095
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,920
Speaker 2: two years, and then in twenty twenty we ended up

1096
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:50,960
Speaker 2: getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that

1097
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 2: we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big

1098
00:45:54,040 --> 00:45:56,360
Speaker 2: thing for me is trust, and part of trust to

1099
00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:59,800
Speaker 2: me is having access to each other's phones. Not in

1100
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 2: the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone,

1101
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,840
Speaker 2: but I want to know the password. Before we were married,

1102
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 2: I had my own fingerprint on his phone and he

1103
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:09,040
Speaker 2: knows the password to mine, and we both had full

1104
00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:11,799
Speaker 2: access to each other's phones. Then one day after we

1105
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:14,800
Speaker 2: were married, he decided to change his password and remove

1106
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 2: my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He

1107
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 2: says he has nothing to hide, and as far as

1108
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 2: I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if

1109
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 2: I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me.

1110
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 2: It bothers me it makes me feel like he's got

1111
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:29,480
Speaker 2: something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to

1112
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,160
Speaker 2: look at it if I didn't feel like he was

1113
00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:33,759
Speaker 2: hiding something from me. What should I do just keep

1114
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:35,839
Speaker 2: going as if nothing's wrong? Or should I make this

1115
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:37,440
Speaker 2: a big deal? Katie?

1116
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,799
Speaker 1: My opinion is I hate when people look through each

1117
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 1: other and I find that to be so going.

1118
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:46,440
Speaker 3: To step it. I think that your phone is your

1119
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 3: own business and to want to go through someone else's

1120
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:52,319
Speaker 3: phone is unhealthy and insecure. Mm hmm.

1121
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,320
Speaker 1: And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you

1122
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,439
Speaker 1: to go through his phone after he's given you carte

1123
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:01,080
Speaker 1: blanche access to it up until now. Then there's that

1124
00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:03,120
Speaker 1: side too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like

1125
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:06,040
Speaker 1: he's up to something. And at the same time, I

1126
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just

1127
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:11,239
Speaker 1: such small behavior. So I don't know what to say

1128
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:13,279
Speaker 1: to that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, he does,

1129
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 1: So why would he change her fingerprint all of a

1130
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:18,400
Speaker 1: sudden and then jump every time she grabs the phone?

1131
00:47:18,480 --> 00:47:20,279
Speaker 1: That is kind of a red flag. So now that

1132
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:23,560
Speaker 1: the Pandora's box has been opened, like, yeah, you got

1133
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: to find out what he's up to. But I would

1134
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:29,680
Speaker 1: also say, like to anyone who's listening, like, do not

1135
00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: start a relationship where you have access to each other's phones.

1136
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:35,680
Speaker 1: Why is that necessary? You're starting out of mistrust Like

1137
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:38,480
Speaker 1: that is You're always going to find something you don't like.

1138
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: He could be doing something as stupid as watching porn

1139
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 1: and he doesn't want you to see that.

1140
00:47:41,719 --> 00:47:43,880
Speaker 2: You know, Yeah, it could be like very normal porn.

1141
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:45,799
Speaker 2: I mean, like brand and I have access to each

1142
00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:47,680
Speaker 2: other's phones. We like know each other's passwords, and I

1143
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:49,440
Speaker 2: might grab his phones, like look something up on the

1144
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,439
Speaker 2: internet if mine is not nearby, and he is fine

1145
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 2: with that. To me, I'm sort of like, if there's

1146
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,960
Speaker 2: not an issue, if there's nothing to hide, why not

1147
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:01,440
Speaker 2: you know, why why the need to hide it? But

1148
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:03,640
Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess people can be embarrassed about

1149
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:06,320
Speaker 2: things that are not red flags.

1150
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:08,360
Speaker 3: You know what, You're probably right, Chelsea. I think it

1151
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:10,840
Speaker 3: might just be something small, as like porn. You know,

1152
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:13,560
Speaker 3: it doesn't necessarily not everything has to lead to their

1153
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 3: cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a

1154
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 3: little bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. She wants him

1155
00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:21,120
Speaker 3: to be cheating on her and to make and to

1156
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:23,239
Speaker 3: meet that end. And I don't know if that's her

1157
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,520
Speaker 3: enjoying the drama or she likes she hasn't dealt with

1158
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,600
Speaker 3: any trauma or whatever that is if you're trying to

1159
00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:31,000
Speaker 3: replace something and get to a point where that that's

1160
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:33,320
Speaker 3: where you end up, because I think that does happen,

1161
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:34,440
Speaker 3: But it's.

1162
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:38,560
Speaker 1: Another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting

1163
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:40,520
Speaker 1: to know who they're talking to and what they're doing

1164
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,480
Speaker 1: it every second of the day is not your fucking

1165
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:45,319
Speaker 1: business unless you're sign these twins like that is not

1166
00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:49,280
Speaker 1: your pion and like you need autonomy as people because

1167
00:48:49,320 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 1: you're not attached to someone. You can be in a

1168
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody, but that doesn't mean you own that

1169
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts.

1170
00:48:56,719 --> 00:48:58,440
Speaker 1: The whole point of being in a relationship is you're

1171
00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 1: bringing two people together. So I just think like starting

1172
00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:04,359
Speaker 1: a relationship out like that way with you just move

1173
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:08,040
Speaker 1: just your phone, Like it's so dumb. Yeah, it's like

1174
00:49:08,239 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 1: you want to hold through my phone, look through it,

1175
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: but you're gonna find something that's going to piss you off.

1176
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,160
Speaker 1: If you're that fucking paranoid in the first place.

1177
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:15,799
Speaker 2: Right, Like, I don't have a desire to go through

1178
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,040
Speaker 2: his phone or like look in his Instagram, DMS or

1179
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,000
Speaker 2: his text messages because I'm not worried about it.

1180
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:25,000
Speaker 1: More on that later. Anyway, I'm in trouble guys anyway.

1181
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess we helped you, but I don't know, honey,

1182
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:29,560
Speaker 1: So I but I would, Yeah, I guess find out

1183
00:49:29,560 --> 00:49:32,200
Speaker 1: now that you've find out, what is it? What's in there?

1184
00:49:32,560 --> 00:49:34,600
Speaker 2: So you think she should like try to get act I.

1185
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,879
Speaker 1: Guess, yeah, they're married, right, Like.

1186
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just want to know now, just for curiosity,

1187
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 3: so she can report back and let us know what

1188
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 3: she didn't find.

1189
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,000
Speaker 2: Katie, let us know about the clown porn that you find.

1190
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:46,840
Speaker 3: It's going to be like the al Capone Like they

1191
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 3: found his like that they opened that door and there

1192
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:51,640
Speaker 3: was nothing inside. Do you remember that in the eighties,

1193
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:53,200
Speaker 3: they were like, oh my god, we found al Capone's

1194
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:55,400
Speaker 3: like hide away. What's going to be inside? They had

1195
00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:57,560
Speaker 3: all these cameras live TV. They opened it up empty.

1196
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:01,839
Speaker 3: But we always assume there's something on the other side

1197
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:05,200
Speaker 3: of that door. Yes, and it's just boring porn.

1198
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:12,719
Speaker 2: Well, our last question today comes from d slightly similar question,

1199
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:16,920
Speaker 2: you're Chelsea. Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me

1200
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:19,160
Speaker 2: to the store because he said he had a surprise

1201
00:50:19,239 --> 00:50:21,600
Speaker 2: for me. He led me to the bathing suit section

1202
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:23,920
Speaker 2: and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini.

1203
00:50:24,440 --> 00:50:26,920
Speaker 2: He said he had a specific one in mind. He

1204
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:29,080
Speaker 2: then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a

1205
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,120
Speaker 2: woman he went to high school with, and the style

1206
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:34,279
Speaker 2: of bikini really made him think of me. Then he

1207
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,399
Speaker 2: proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman

1208
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,760
Speaker 2: who looks about twenty five years old with huge boobs

1209
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 2: and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single

1210
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:45,200
Speaker 2: and always posts selfies. He hasn't talked to her in ages,

1211
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:47,040
Speaker 2: but thought he could reach out to her and see

1212
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:49,680
Speaker 2: where she got the suit. I could see the message

1213
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:51,800
Speaker 2: quickly as he scrolled through the picks of the scantily

1214
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 2: clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great,

1215
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 2: and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd

1216
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 2: liked to buy one for his girlfriend.

1217
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:01,560
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, at what point when she was writing this

1218
00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:04,240
Speaker 3: did she not say to herself, I can save myself

1219
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:06,319
Speaker 3: the time and break up with him.

1220
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:07,960
Speaker 1: My god, the.

1221
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,799
Speaker 2: Bikini was pretty basic and just FAI am in my

1222
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 2: forties and my boyfriend is in his fifties. This woman

1223
00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,600
Speaker 2: went to high school with him. Kudos to her for

1224
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:19,080
Speaker 2: aging gracefully or using filters anyway, I thanked him for

1225
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 2: the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

1226
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:25,080
Speaker 2: What is yours and Catherine's take on this, I'm curious, sincerely.

1227
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:29,920
Speaker 1: D Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox.

1228
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:34,600
Speaker 1: The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted.

1229
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:37,960
Speaker 3: Yes, I was gonna say it's convoluted the fact that

1230
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:39,320
Speaker 3: he's like this girl that was a high school with

1231
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:40,480
Speaker 3: Then I thought him, and I thought about you, but

1232
00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:42,000
Speaker 3: I thought we should go to the store. And it's like, what,

1233
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:42,920
Speaker 3: she's got a bikini?

1234
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,719
Speaker 1: And so I d mented her and texted her, where

1235
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:46,400
Speaker 1: did you get your bikini? Because I want to get

1236
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:48,239
Speaker 1: one from my girlfriend. Sounds like he was trying to

1237
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:50,439
Speaker 1: fucking hook up with that girl. What are you doing?

1238
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:50,799
Speaker 3: Well?

1239
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,680
Speaker 2: Like, I don't know would he have been that open

1240
00:51:52,719 --> 00:51:53,640
Speaker 2: with her about.

1241
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:56,600
Speaker 1: It if he was just so dumb, like, you don't

1242
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,880
Speaker 1: need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million,

1243
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:01,560
Speaker 1: I think suits out there that would be and it's

1244
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,279
Speaker 1: similar to whatever.

1245
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 3: And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole.

1246
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 3: He's giving way too much explanation. All he had to

1247
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,799
Speaker 3: do was without her by the bikini and say, you

1248
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:13,799
Speaker 3: know what, I think he would look really hot in

1249
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,879
Speaker 3: this and move it along. You don't have to say

1250
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:17,200
Speaker 3: this girl went to high school with and this and that.

1251
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:21,440
Speaker 3: But I think whatever, it's like what, you're insane.

1252
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:23,480
Speaker 2: I don't know if it's breakappable, but like, this guy

1253
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 2: sounds like a dummy.

1254
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:24,880
Speaker 4: It's not.

1255
00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:27,879
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such

1256
00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: a yeah, like a dumb ass, like a doe. Yeah.

1257
00:52:31,120 --> 00:52:33,960
Speaker 1: I mean men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's

1258
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:37,319
Speaker 1: just sometimes embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them

1259
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:37,880
Speaker 1: some credit.

1260
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:41,280
Speaker 2: Oh please, Well now that we've solved that.

1261
00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:43,359
Speaker 1: Well that was easy, yes, pie, I mean I don't

1262
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:46,560
Speaker 1: think we really fucking helped anybody today. But uh no,

1263
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:48,120
Speaker 1: heavy lifting over here.

1264
00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:51,239
Speaker 2: We maybe broke reads hard. I do feel a little

1265
00:52:51,239 --> 00:52:51,879
Speaker 2: bad about that.

1266
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,560
Speaker 3: But what are you gonna do in Ecuador? We didn't

1267
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:58,200
Speaker 3: do anything. His boyfriend, who's everyone that moves.

1268
00:52:58,680 --> 00:53:00,759
Speaker 1: He's twenty four years old. He's going to be fine.

1269
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,160
Speaker 1: Can it be going to recuperate way before he knows it. Yes, okay,

1270
00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:06,759
Speaker 1: well thanks for being here again today, Mattea, thank you

1271
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:08,480
Speaker 1: so much for having Metayo and I are going to

1272
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,160
Speaker 1: go eat some food now. I'm going to take him

1273
00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:15,360
Speaker 1: to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast. Bye, guys,

1274
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:16,160
Speaker 1: we'll see you next by.

1275
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,280
Speaker 2: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1276
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,360
Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1277
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:26,440
Speaker 2: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1278
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 2: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and

1279
00:53:30,160 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 2: be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot

1280
00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:36,200
Speaker 2: com