WEBVTT - WHAT CAN YOU MAKE? 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:01.920 Call from Austin. 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:12.200 Austin, Hey man, what can you make Austin? 0:00:16.680 --> 0:00:20.480 Not much? I'm pretty terrible with my hands. 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:23.840 Actually, you can make things without your hands. You can 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:28.120 make things with your mind. You can make ideas true. 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:34.040 Oh, I've just been terrible with making things all my life. Like, 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.760 I don't know, it's I've been more of a person 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:40.360 that just watches people make stuff. 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:44.879 Do you have a desire to make things? Or are 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:47.680 you okay sitting by passively observing other people make things? 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:51.680 I don't care. What's sitting back and watching other people. Uh, 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:56.639 it's more of that. I'm just scared to like mess up. 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:02.920 What's something that you would make if you were not 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:05.480 scared to mess it up, if you knew that it 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:06.440 would come out perfectly. 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:13.679 I would build a bridge between Mars and like Earth, Okay, 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:19.240 and then I'd put like a slide on it. Okay. 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:22.800 Would you charge people money to go down the slide? 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:24.600 Yes? 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:28.360 But money? Would you charge them to go down the slide? 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:33.279 I'd charge them like twenty five cents, okay, twenty five cents, 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:34.880 About twenty five cents. 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:41.399 I feel as though the cost of maintenance of a 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:45.319 slide between Mars and the earth would be very expensive, 0:01:45.520 --> 0:01:48.000 and I don't think that you could fund it by 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:52.120 only charging twenty five cents to go down the slide. 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:54.960 See, yeah, I told you I'm not really good at 0:01:55.040 --> 0:01:57.600 like exact things. 0:01:58.760 --> 0:01:59.560 I think that's okay. 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.920 What would you do if you weren't a gecko. 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:11.639 But a rat? What did you say? 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:13.639 Her name was Austin? 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:15.680 Thank you for calling Austin. 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:17.080 Bye. 0:02:19.400 --> 0:02:22.880 Never goes on the line. Thank you? Your phone calls 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:26.480 every night. Everything goes to any side. I was teaching 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:30.240 you a loud Your line is not really an. 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:37.720 Expert all from Malak. 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:48.040 Malik? Yeah, how can I help him? 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:50.679 Alak uh? 0:02:52.080 --> 0:02:52.800 I don't know. 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:59.519 Wand speaker phe no, but just near the chat okay, 0:02:59.560 --> 0:03:02.120 you ould uh go ahead? Do my favorite? Don't look 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:04.280 at the chat the only chat going on with you 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:04.840 and I. 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:05.320 I'm on. 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:06.840 I left, I left the room. 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:11.560 Entirely, Malik. So you don't know. 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:14.000 How you can help me? 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:15.720 No, I don't know how I can help you. 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:18.520 Do you need help? 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:18.640 No? 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:26.160 No, even if you did need help, pretend first you 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:31.120 needed help. Pretend that you help. Okay, could I even 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:32.720 help you? Oh? 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:33.280 Definitely? 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:33.800 Yeah? 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.200 Really, yeah for sure? 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:48.840 How can I help you? Honestly? Yes, I think I 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:50.560 just need somebody to talk to you right now? 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:56.520 You need someone to talk to about it. 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:00.640 I'll like you pick this is yours. 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:03.880 You need someone to talk to? Why do you need 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:05.440 someone to talk to? Are you alone? 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:08.040 No? No, I'm not. 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:12.960 Why do you need someone to talk to? 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:24.680 I don't know. I feel like I feel like that's 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:28.120 the thing I said to answer your question? 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:37.920 Interesting? Do you why do you feel pressure to answer 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:44.200 that question with a concrete answer as opposed to continuing 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:45.200 to admit that you don't know. 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:47.800 Yeah, I don't know. 0:04:47.920 --> 0:04:59.320 That's oh don't Yeah, I don't have an answer for that. 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:01.960 It's a good it's a good question, though. 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:11.599 That's okay. Do you describe for me if you will. 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:19.000 Do you remember the moment, like, do you remember how 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.719 you felt when you gave me that answer that you 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:24.240 needed someone to talk to? Do you remember, like, could 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.480 you kind of describe it sounded those though you felt 0:05:26.480 --> 0:05:29.640 some sort of pressure or some sort of stress to 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:31.520 provide an answer. Would you would you be willing to 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:33.320 go into detail about that pressure of stress that you 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:34.520 may have felt. 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:40.520 Sure, Yeah, I think it was not wanting I think 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:43.440 it was looking for a way out. 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:45.440 I guess of not. 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.840 Having a reason or an answer to your question. It's 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.200 kind of almost think. 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:57.400 Gave the the I asked you a question, and the 0:05:57.400 --> 0:06:00.560 ball was in your court because I'd ask you a question, 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:06.320 and that created some tension, right, and that tension made 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:13.919 you uncomfortable, and to avoid feeling uncomfortable and believe that tension, 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:20.040 you answered with something that wasn't entirely true. 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:23.520 Absolutely, I think it was the unexpected on top of 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:27.760 that as well as the as far as the pressure, yeah, definitely. 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:31.039 And how do you feel right now? 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:32.919 Relieved? 0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:33.680 For some reason? 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:36.880 I feel like just being able to talk about that 0:06:37.800 --> 0:06:39.159 is like the sense of relief. 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:39.680 Definitely. 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.839 Okay, So would you say that this helped? 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:52.760 Yeah? 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:56.599 Yeah, yeah I did. 0:06:58.920 --> 0:06:59.680 I'm glad to hear that. 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:05.160 Thanks do, thank you. 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:06.000 You have Aggress of the night. 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:13.040 All from Emma. 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:17.239 Emma, Oh my god? 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:18.000 Yeah? Ye? 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:19.920 What's up dude? 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:23.160 Nothing, okay, I got you have a speaker phone? 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:23.320 Now? 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:25.400 Have we ever spoken before? Emma? 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:26.600 No? 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:34.560 Sorry? 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:36.720 Hold on? Are you talking now or is. 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:40.280 It just me I'm talking? It's we're both talking, I 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:43.360 presume to each other. I'm talking to you. I don't 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:46.040 know if you're talking to me, but. 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:48.320 True, I'm not. I wasn't talking the whole time. 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:51.600 Do you are you just now? 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:59.240 Yeah? That is true anyway, Sure, I wasn't prepared. What 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.080 can I make? Almost nothing? 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:03.720 I don't know. 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:10.160 What can you make? Like a yeah, what can you make? 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:17.320 So I don't know. Okay, the only thing that I 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.960 can make, and it's not that interesting at all. But uh, 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.160 those little like when you put your straw, like the 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:27.480 little paper things I you like, take the little top 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:29.560 off your boat, rip it off all nicely and I 0:08:29.560 --> 0:08:31.080 can fold it up into a little star. 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:37.400 Ah right, nice. 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:39.319 Very cute. I impress everybody at the table every time. 0:08:41.240 --> 0:08:43.720 How often do you do? You do that every time 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:47.200 that you are presented with the opportunity to every single time? 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:49.400 Yeah? 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:51.400 And does it impress the people around you? 0:08:52.480 --> 0:08:52.640 Oh? 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:55.280 Yeah, so I got I feel good when the people 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:56.319 around you are impressed with you. 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:01.640 Yeah, because it's like creative and I can use my hands. 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:03.440 But you also don't have to talk. 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:06.800 Are you adverse to talking in general? 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:08.359 Yeah? 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:09.440 Hm? 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.640 Did you call in this now? Now? You called in 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:19.680 this evening to my little Gecko talk show while with 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:22.120 the knowledge that you are adverse to talking? Did you 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:28.760 do so in the hopes of overcoming that aversion by 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:30.880 forcing yourself into a situation in which you knew you 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:33.400 would have to talk. 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.320 Actually a little bit. Yes, you nailed it. 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:42.199 I respect that. I respect that. And what sparked this 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:44.680 desire to overcome this aversion? 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:50.920 I don't know. My therapist told me to. 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:56.840 Your therapist told you to Yeah? What did your therapists 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:57.559 tell you? Exactly? 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:05.319 I mean, just talk to people, be nice, make friends. 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:07.400 Told you to talk to people, be nice and make friends? 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:12.720 And when did they tell you this? 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:15.240 Every time? 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:20.360 Do you find yourself often making efforts to talk to people, 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:21.360 be nice, and make friends. 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:27.120 No. I usually let people talk to me first, okay, 0:10:27.280 --> 0:10:29.240 and then I can do the nice stuff. 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:34.320 Okay. Do you consider yourself not a nice person? 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:36.440 No? 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.880 I mean, I don't know. I feel like that's really loaded, 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.280 because anybody can consider themselves. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:43.760 But I think so. 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:44.640 I think I'm nice. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:48.360 What about you do you think makes you nice? 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:53.120 People tell me I'm nice, and I try to be 0:10:53.200 --> 0:10:54.160 nice whenever I can. 0:10:55.760 --> 0:11:00.120 Who's the last person that told you that you were nice? 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:08.240 I don't know. I lit no idea. Somebody, I'm sure. 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:11.640 Who in your life do you think has the most 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:12.880 positive image of you? 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:18.240 My dog your dog. 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:23.560 And why do you think your dog has such a 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:24.440 positive image of you? 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:27.240 Well, because I'm so nice to her. 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:29.280 What do you do for him? 0:11:30.559 --> 0:11:33.160 Everything? I take her own walks, I brush her even 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:35.360 tho while she doesn't like the brushing, of course, but 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:42.400 it's got a brush her to you feeder, and I mean, 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:44.760 people are mean to their dogs. I'm never mean to her. 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:48.480 People are mean to their dogs. It's so good that 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:49.000 you're not mean. 0:11:51.720 --> 0:11:52.840 Can I ask you a question? 0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:55.720 Sure? 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.800 Are you passionate about anything like even this? 0:12:03.520 --> 0:12:09.760 I think so. I think I'm passionate about things. Are 0:12:09.800 --> 0:12:12.120 you passionate about anything? No? 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:13.480 That's why I'm asking. 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.200 Ah, do you want to be passionate about anything? 0:12:19.720 --> 0:12:23.959 I think so because people seem to, like, I don't know, 0:12:25.080 --> 0:12:27.640 have something to do when they're passionate about something, You 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:28.880 know what I mean, do something to do? 0:12:30.600 --> 0:12:33.800 Well, you seem passionate about your doll lug and making 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:35.720 sure that it does not die and that you are 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:44.319 nice to it. Yeah, that's a passion for sure. Well, 0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:45.600 there we go. You're passionate about. 0:12:45.440 --> 0:12:49.400 Some so that's what I'll do every single day. 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:54.240 Do you mean sort of in a career sense of passion. 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:57.720 Kind of yeah, because you kind of have a career 0:12:57.800 --> 0:12:59.160 too with being a get go. 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:03.640 I do Are you in high school college? 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:06.720 Oh? No, I'm twenty one, never went to college. 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:12.480 Cool. Well, do you do anything to make money? 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:13.040 Right? 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:16.800 I am a door dasher, an instacart person, shopper. 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:23.360 Nice. Do you have any desires to do anything that 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:27.080 is not that? Not? Really? 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:29.040 It's weird. 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:32.199 I mean, look, you know, I know that there's all 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:37.520 this like, uh, what is it? I know, I'm not 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:39.760 gonna say propaganda, that's too hard of a word, but whatever, 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:44.240 there's all this maybe pressure to have have a passion, 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.280 you know, to be this great painter or or or 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:54.120 or athlete or or whatever, to be this great passionate person. 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:59.160 But listen, you know, if you're chilling like having you know, 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:00.560 do you have any friends? 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.200 No? Not really I have my well, like one friend 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:07.360 from high school still, but that's it. 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:10.240 Are you okay with not having any friends? 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:11.560 Yeah? I don't. 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:12.120 Yeah. 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:17.320 Actually, look, if you're chilling hanging out with your dog 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:23.040 and door dashing every day, and you like aren't upset 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.480 about that for any reason other than you feel like 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:31.440 you should want more, then you know, just I think 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:35.000 you should get rid of that that that that nagging 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:41.760 should because it's it's serves you no purpose. Now, if 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:47.440 you feel in yourself a genuine desire to expand your 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:50.720 life past door dashing and hanging out with your dog, 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:53.240 then you should listen to that desire. But if that 0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:55.360 desire doesn't come from you, and it comes instead of 0:14:55.400 --> 0:14:58.880 from this, like you know, pressure from society or from 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:03.080 other people to do so, then then it's not worth following. 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:10.800 Right, Yeah, yeah, because people who end up in like 0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:13.520 dead and careers end up hating their lives. 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:16.920 Right, but do you hate your life? 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:26.200 That's a loaded questions. I don't know. 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.440 Why is your Why do you think your therapist tells 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:35.440 you to go out and talk to people and make friends? 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:44.160 I guess because that's I don't know, because that people 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:47.000 are happy with lens. Maybe she thinks that, like, if 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:52.359 I have friends, will be happy. 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:55.480 You know, well, what kind of efforts have you put 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:56.400 into making friends? 0:15:58.320 --> 0:16:02.240 I talked to my baristas friends with them at Starbucks. 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:08.640 That's cool, it's a start. Do you ever do clubs? 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:10.200 Do you ever go to meetups? 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:14.480 No? No, my vibe? 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:21.880 Well, you know, well, you went to a therapist for 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:25.040 a reason. Don't forced you to do that? Or did 0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:25.520 you do that? 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:27.080 I did that? 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:27.400 Yeah? 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:32.040 Okay, so there's something there, there's some sort of desire 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:40.480 for some sort of effect from that. H What do 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:42.280 you think that? What do you think that effect that 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:46.200 you desire is from going to therapy? 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.720 I guess just be happy, change my life or something. 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:59.720 Well, I'll say this, Emma. It sounds as though every 0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:05.960 day you make some sort of effort, however small, however big, 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:12.280 to achieve that. That mean, so keep waking up every 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:15.040 day and continuing to make those efforts. 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:21.200 Right you too, of course, have. 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:23.200 A good rest of the days. 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:35.520 Thanks. Call from Wells. 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:40.240 Hello, what'd you say? Your name was? 0:17:40.520 --> 0:17:41.720 Mom? 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:41.960 No? 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:42.600 Max? 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:44.400 Max? 0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:45.880 Mm hmm? 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:47.320 What do you were? 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:47.399 You? 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:48.080 Born? Max? 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:51.360 Nineteen ninety four. 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:53.080 Nineteen ninety four. 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:58.360 Indeed, indeed. 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:01.800 My name is Indeed, I'm sorry. I don't know. I 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:04.040 don't know why I said that to make fun of you. 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:06.160 Just now, No worries. 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:07.000 You didn't deserve that. 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:11.440 So I'm conflicted, mister ghak. 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:12.920 Why are you conflicted? Why you conflicted? 0:18:12.960 --> 0:18:13.240 Max? 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:21.119 I don't regret emotionally, I suppose, Oh, trust me, I 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:25.440 have thicker skin than that. No worries, my friend, No worries. 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:31.720 But in Max, I'm sure cool. He's ginn so thick. 0:18:31.760 --> 0:18:34.320 I'm suku. You can't say anything that can hurt me. 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:37.440 Well, I wouldn't say that. 0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:40.400 Why you conflicted, Max. 0:18:41.400 --> 0:18:48.040 Well, I'm conflicted. I'm conflicted on enough family matter. I 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:56.880 suppose you could say, but my grandmother is dying rapidly 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:00.960 and in front of my you know face currently, And 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:10.439 I guess my confliction right now would be between my 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:15.480 own desire to see her live, you know, and to 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:17.840 like not be without a person and who's important to me. 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:23.199 And I suppose her desire to die really when it 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:26.480 comes down to it, because she's in pain and suffering, 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:30.480 and you know, her husband died years ago, and. 0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:32.639 It's tough. 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.240 You know, that is tough. That's very tough. 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:40.560 But I don't know, I don't know where to land 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:45.280 on it. You know, like, obviously I want her not 0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:49.160 to suffer, but at the same time, you know, there's 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:51.840 this overriding desire to not be without this person who's 0:19:51.880 --> 0:19:54.159 been such an tackul part of my life. So of 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.520 course it's a I guess you could call it cognitive dissonance. 0:19:57.680 --> 0:20:05.480 But interesting, what is your is your mother or is 0:20:05.800 --> 0:20:09.080 your mom's mom or your dad's mom, my mom's mom, 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:11.680 is your is your mother still around? 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:18.080 She is, she is, and she's been supporting her for 0:20:18.119 --> 0:20:24.360 a long time. But uh, I mean it's just rapidly 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:26.359 taken a downward course recently. 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:26.919 You know. 0:20:27.240 --> 0:20:29.480 You know she's had she's an older woman, so she's 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:32.320 had you know, mobility issues and whatnot for a while. 0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:36.480 But you know, about a month ago, no, no, my grandmother. 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:43.119 My mom's fully capable, if not, you know, mentally a 0:20:43.160 --> 0:20:48.640 little you know, everybody's got there, you know, crosses to there, but. 0:20:51.000 --> 0:20:51.359 I don't know. 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:54.240 She was diagnosed with a rare form of my grandmother, 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:57.119 with a rare form of bladder cancer about a month ago. 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:01.960 So you know, I think ever since her husband died 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:07.600 about ten years ago, she's been here, but not it's 0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:12.720 been slowly disengaging. I suppose you could say, uh, but 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:16.160 you know, I think since this diagnosis, she's like, I've 0:21:16.160 --> 0:21:21.639 never legitimately encountered somebody who's just ready to die, you 0:21:21.640 --> 0:21:23.560 know what I mean, who just has no interest really 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:26.240 in living anymore for the people they love here just 0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:29.359 for themselves, which I understand. When you're suffering, I get it. 0:21:31.240 --> 0:21:34.399 And what does your so I assume when you say 0:21:34.480 --> 0:21:39.520 that you're conflicted. Is this is there some sort of 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:46.200 like situation in which she is, like, I don't know legally, 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:50.159 you know, under your guys's decision as to whether or 0:21:50.200 --> 0:21:51.560 not to keep her on life support, is. 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:56.480 That she's not on life support currently at all, but 0:21:56.960 --> 0:22:04.320 she's just she's she can't. It's not anoperable cancer really 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:06.760 at this point, so she's not. It's pretty much in 0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:09.760 the phase where she can't, you know, there's nothing to 0:22:09.800 --> 0:22:17.040 be done, so facing that, she's also incredibly obstinate about 0:22:17.080 --> 0:22:20.679 her own end of life care, so she won't. She 0:22:20.720 --> 0:22:23.480 won't tell us when she's in pain, even though it's obvious, 0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:27.679 you know, when we ask her, and she won't. She 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:30.560 fights any kind of procedure or anything else. And it's 0:22:30.560 --> 0:22:33.840 heartbreaking because it's making her own end of life more 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:37.320 miserable and we're trying, and that hurts the people around her. 0:22:37.520 --> 0:22:40.360 But sure, I don't know how to feel about that, 0:22:40.400 --> 0:22:43.920 because you know, is that is that a pain I 0:22:43.920 --> 0:22:46.480 should bear without you know, conflict? 0:22:46.560 --> 0:22:47.080 Or should I? 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:49.679 You know, should I? I? Just I don't know, you know, 0:22:49.800 --> 0:22:51.479 it's a it's messy. 0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:54.600 Does what does your mom think about all this? 0:22:56.040 --> 0:23:02.000 Well, that's a good question. My mom has been doing 0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:05.680 this for a long time, so you know, it's gotten 0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:10.960 worse recently. But I think my mom wants I think 0:23:11.000 --> 0:23:14.359 my old My mom's overriding concern is that she wants 0:23:14.400 --> 0:23:17.119 her mother to not suffer anymore, obviously, or to just 0:23:17.160 --> 0:23:19.879 be happy, and she can't be at this point. 0:23:19.720 --> 0:23:20.400 You know, I think. 0:23:22.440 --> 0:23:26.560 And then obviously there's an underlying concern of her own life. 0:23:26.640 --> 0:23:29.160 You know, she's dedicated years of it to taking care 0:23:29.200 --> 0:23:31.679 of her mother, and at this point it's gotten hard 0:23:31.800 --> 0:23:34.560 and difficult, you know, so I'm sure there's a part 0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:36.360 of her that would like to be out from under 0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:40.800 that burden, as is natural for you know, you know, 0:23:40.840 --> 0:23:43.359 whether that's something to be guilty about or not, you know, 0:23:43.680 --> 0:23:46.159 that's a human thing to feel. 0:23:46.280 --> 0:23:49.040 So how old is how old is your grandmother? You know? 0:23:51.240 --> 0:23:52.359 I want eighty three? 0:23:52.960 --> 0:24:02.720 Eighty three? Okay, hmm, yeah, definitely definitely difficult, I think, 0:24:03.840 --> 0:24:06.080 I mean it's hard, but I I sort of, you know, 0:24:06.520 --> 0:24:12.800 to your mom's perspective of you know, it's it's difficult 0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:15.760 because you love your grandmother, but like you know, if 0:24:15.800 --> 0:24:21.080 you want her to be happy and have her own 0:24:21.280 --> 0:24:28.120 you know, freedom and ability to decide, you know, when 0:24:28.240 --> 0:24:33.080 she is done living life. You know, I think if you, 0:24:33.160 --> 0:24:37.439 if you, if you truly love her, I think, you know, 0:24:37.640 --> 0:24:40.359 even though it's difficult, I think it's important to be 0:24:40.440 --> 0:24:41.680 respectful of that decision. 0:24:43.760 --> 0:24:48.040 Absolutely, and I totally agree. But like when it comes 0:24:48.080 --> 0:24:52.440 down to, uh, I I understand, and I've totally accepted 0:24:52.440 --> 0:24:55.400 the fact that you know, she's not going to get 0:24:55.400 --> 0:24:58.080 a surgery or chemotherapy or anything like. 0:24:58.000 --> 0:24:58.440 That, but. 0:25:00.080 --> 0:25:04.639 She also seems to be just neglecting her own suffering, 0:25:05.080 --> 0:25:07.920 which is you know, I've I've come to realize that, 0:25:08.040 --> 0:25:09.879 you know, her time has come. She's not going to 0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:12.160 get better. You know, she's accepted that, but she also 0:25:12.200 --> 0:25:17.919 doesn't seem to be willing to negate or not negate, 0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:23.240 but just alleviate any of her own suffering, you know 0:25:23.240 --> 0:25:25.560 what I mean. Like that's that's the thing that's really 0:25:25.640 --> 0:25:26.040