1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,280 Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vanderkam. I'm a mother of four, 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,479 Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hart Hunger. 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,799 Speaker 1: I'm a mother of three, practicing physician and blogger. On 4 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,640 Speaker 1: the side, we are two working parents who love our 5 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,920 Speaker 1: careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. 6 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 7 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get 9 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:32,600 Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,560 Speaker 1: This is Laura. This is episode one oh nine, which 11 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 1: is first airing in early September of twenty nineteen. Today 12 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,599 Speaker 1: we're going to be interviewing Maileene Larry, who is a 13 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:47,159 Speaker 1: professor and is also the adaptive mom of two girls. 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: And she's going to share her story of how she 15 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: decided to go that route, the process of international adoption 16 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: as a single parent, and all the assumptions she has 17 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: been challenging in her life raising two girls on her own. 18 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: Are very excited to talk to her in a little bit. 19 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: One of the things she talks about, actually is the 20 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,280 Speaker 1: independence that comes when you are raising kids on your own. 21 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,040 Speaker 1: Some of these things you have to rely on your 22 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: children to do and to cultivate in them. And so 23 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 1: we wanted to talk a little bit about the idea 24 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 1: of independence in general. I mean, Sarah, what book did 25 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,480 Speaker 1: you just read about this? Well as an advanced copy, 26 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: so I'm not sure I'm at liberty to share the 27 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: specific details. I can certainly speak about it a later episode, 28 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: but it was it did talk about. It was centered 29 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 1: around getting mothers out of sort of a management role, 30 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,399 Speaker 1: and one of the big takeaways of how to do 31 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: that was to make your make sure your children are 32 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 1: doing the things that they're capable of doing. And I 33 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: thought the book did a very nice job of laying 34 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: out practically what that looked like. And then I started 35 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,560 Speaker 1: to try it, and man, I've got some kids who 36 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: may not naturally want to be that independent. The resistance 37 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 1: kicked up us. I mean, you know, we've talked about 38 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: on the podcast before that my children really prefer me 39 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 1: to stay in their rooms as they're falling asleep and 40 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 1: things like that, and to some extent, I like that 41 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: they still need me. I mean, I do have full 42 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: time childcare. So the fact that they feel very close 43 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,240 Speaker 1: with me and want that is a beautiful thing. But 44 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: then at the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I 45 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: do kind of need them to be doing things for themselves, 46 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:29,639 Speaker 1: And particularly when I have to focus on Genevieve if 47 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 1: she's in her fussiest last kind of half hour of 48 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:33,799 Speaker 1: the day and I need to get her to bed, 49 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 1: I feel like I should be able to have the 50 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,839 Speaker 1: big kids do certain things for themselves. And I don't 51 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,680 Speaker 1: want to throw my poor big children under the bus 52 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: because they're going to listen to this and god knows, 53 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: maybe a year, I don't know and say, mom, but 54 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: it's just not that easy. I don't know. How do 55 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 1: you teach your kids to be independent? Yeah, I mean 56 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: it's something I definitely value in children. And I think 57 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,680 Speaker 1: some are, as you said, naturally more independent than others. 58 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: I think growing up I was quite in I was 59 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 1: always looking for things I could do on my own, 60 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,639 Speaker 1: and you know, I went away to school early and 61 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: hence the self employment for two decades. Like, I don't 62 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,440 Speaker 1: like being under anyone's thumb for anything. Uh So, So 63 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: there's some personality aspects to this. Some of my children 64 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: may be a little bit more like me than others. 65 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: And it's interesting because the ones that aren't as much 66 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 1: are you know, often very sweet and nice and you know, 67 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,440 Speaker 1: so it's it's a trade off, right, Like there's you 68 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 1: know that they want to be with you and they 69 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 1: want to you know, have you around, and they want 70 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 1: to have that that close interaction, which is wonderful and 71 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: I know I will miss that if if they don't 72 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,560 Speaker 1: have that. So you know, these are these things are 73 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 1: are a balance that you can be slightly more of 74 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: a people person in some ways and and that's a 75 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: good thing. But that said, I mean, yes, at some 76 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: point you need to take a shower on your own, 77 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: Like forget the cereal and milk out if that's what 78 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: you want, Marella and melgat if you want that for breakfast, 79 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: you are fully capable of doing it. And you know, 80 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: we're certainly working on them doing more things for themselves 81 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: and packing camp lunches. Normally the kids buy lunch during 82 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: the school year, but packing camp lunches, for instance, being 83 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 1: responsible for remembering their own things, you know that need 84 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 1: to go to camp with them. And one of the reasons, 85 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: you know, Jasper when this airs, he will be back 86 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 1: for a while. But when we're when we're recording, he's 87 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: actually at Sleepway Camp this week, and that has been 88 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 1: a kind of cool experience for all of us just 89 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: to see, because in it the nature of being away 90 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,160 Speaker 1: from your parents for a week is that you have 91 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 1: to be in dependema. You have to figure all this 92 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: stuff out. I'm not there. I can't help you with it. 93 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: And I think he must be because his rate of 94 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 1: texting me has declined precipitously as the week went on. 95 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: You know, yesterday I got one text about how his 96 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: shoes got soaked in the rain, and I reminded him 97 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: that he has a second pair just for this exact reason, 98 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: and he's just sent me a response text of th X. 99 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,839 Speaker 1: Wow you're getting THHX. I'm getting THHX. And that was it. 100 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,839 Speaker 1: I have not gotten anything else for more than twenty 101 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 1: four hours now. So I'm like, well, you know, a 102 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 1: little shocking, but awesome in a way. I'm like, the 103 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 1: camp would call me if there was a problem, right, 104 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: So I was like, I'm not worried about it all. 105 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,359 Speaker 1: I think it's because he's so into his friends and 106 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 1: having a good time and figuring things out for himself 107 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,920 Speaker 1: and so highly recommend camp as a way to do that. 108 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: You know, our guests would have said, Audrey Monk, Yes, 109 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 1: Audrey Munk, she hears it. But you know it's it's 110 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,599 Speaker 1: I try to get in the habit of saying things 111 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 1: like when somebody's complaining to me about something's like, oh, 112 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: that sounds like a tough issue. What are you going 113 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 1: to do about it? I love that. Well, yesterday I said, 114 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,480 Speaker 1: you guys know, it's not my job to entertain you, 115 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: and they're like, it is, mom, whoa, we got to 116 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: get back to our job description. Then I went into 117 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: detail about how actually it was not, and I think 118 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 1: they sort of heard it. So I'm going to continue 119 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: to emphasize that because I think that's if that was 120 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: really news to them, and it may have been, then 121 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 1: I got some work to do. So I'm glad I 122 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 1: read the book. Yeah, No, that's a well, yeah, I 123 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: mean I think and on some level that's also just 124 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: you got to let them figure out what they want 125 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: to do for themselves, and if it's going to be, 126 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: you know, telling each other fart jokes for an hour 127 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: to entertain themselves, then you kind of have to be 128 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: okay with it, right, I'm okay with that, You're okay 129 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 1: with that? Yeah, So go shut yourself in the room 130 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,840 Speaker 1: and not not deal with it too much. But yeah, 131 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 1: raising independent kids always good. All right, Well, let's bring 132 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: this over to Mylene and we're going to hear from 133 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: her about her raising independent children and all the other 134 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,720 Speaker 1: things she's got going on. Well, Sarah and I are 135 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 1: thrilled to welcome Myleene Leary to the program. Milene, could 136 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: you introduce yourself to our listeners? Sure? I am, first 137 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 1: of all delighted to be here, so thanks for inviting me. 138 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 1: I am an associate professor in a college of Business 139 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: in Montana. I have two adorable, completely unbiased opinion, two 140 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 1: adorable children, a nine year old, nine and a half 141 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 1: year old and an eleven year old daughter. And that's 142 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,360 Speaker 1: about it, I think. Yeah, And we wanted to bring 143 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: you on because your sort of journey to becoming a 144 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 1: family is a little different than a lot of people. 145 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,440 Speaker 1: So why don't you talk, Well, first talk about how 146 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 1: you wound up in you know, teaching business, becoming a 147 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: professor of management. You can talk about that, and then 148 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: you can talk about your family journey. Sure, So I'm 149 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: going to bring them together because they sort of happened 150 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: a little bit together, and I'm going to start way 151 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: back when when I was in what I affectionally referred 152 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: to as my mid twenties midlife crisis. I don't know 153 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 1: if anybody else had that, but it's those couple of 154 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: years after graduating from college when all of a sudden, 155 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 1: it's like, oh my god, what's happening. I get to 156 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,840 Speaker 1: make decisions about my life now. And at that point, 157 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: I remember I've always wanted to have kids, and I 158 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I'm not married, and when 159 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: am I going to have kids? When am I going 160 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: to have you know what's going to happen? And I 161 00:07:55,560 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 1: thankfully figured out at that point that what was important 162 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: to me was not bearing a child, but raising a child, 163 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: so I was able to once I decided that, I 164 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: just was like, Okay, I can keep going living my 165 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 1: life and I can move on. So adoption was always 166 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,160 Speaker 1: in the back of my head because I had decided, 167 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 1: if I ever get to the point where I'm not 168 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: married and I just want to have kids, I'll adopt. 169 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 1: So from there, I when I got my master's, then 170 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 1: when I got my PhD, I got my first academic job, 171 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: and then I got my second academic job, which is 172 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaker 1: the job that I have right now, and about two 173 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,199 Speaker 1: years into that, I started the adoption process. It was 174 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,560 Speaker 1: one of those like, oh, okay, I want to have kids, 175 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: so let's look into this. There had been a program 176 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: here that I met with somebody about. It was, you know, 177 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: they brought in kids from the Philippines who needed families, 178 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: and this goes to the single parenting part of it. 179 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: They some of the agencies that they worked with in 180 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: the Philippines weren't open to single mothers, so that became 181 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: a non issuer, not an opportunity. But in talking to 182 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: the social worker, she said, well, have you thought about 183 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: adoption And I said, well, yes, I have. Who do 184 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,840 Speaker 1: I talk to and she said me, It's like great, 185 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,400 Speaker 1: let's have that conversation. So that's how that started. And 186 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,680 Speaker 1: it was again this is how it sort of goes together. 187 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: I had to put together all of the documentation for 188 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:26,440 Speaker 1: adopting a child, and there's a lot. There's background checks, 189 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: fingerprinting at the federal level, the local level, financial information 190 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 1: reference checks, or people had to write references for me. 191 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: I had to write essays. It was like being in 192 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 1: school all over again. But as I'm putting all of 193 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 1: this stuff together, I was also going up for retention, 194 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 1: which is our third year review in academia. So, as 195 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: my mother so succinctly put it, I was justifying myself 196 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,439 Speaker 1: personally and professionally that summer. And so I went through 197 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,959 Speaker 1: all that and then put it aside, and you know, 198 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 1: kept doing my job, which was teaching, research and service 199 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,199 Speaker 1: and presenting and going forward, and then got the referral. 200 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: That's the short person. Yeah, and and so your your 201 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: daughters are from Ethiopia. How did you wind up going 202 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 1: through that? Like? Where what was it? If you can 203 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 1: step back a tiny bit, I'm just curious how long 204 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: the process took from the moment you spoke to that 205 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: social worker to the girls coming to because I've heard 206 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: very interesting timelines. So yeah, yeah, for me, it was 207 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,280 Speaker 1: a month under two years from that first official meeting 208 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: with the social worker to the girls coming home. Much 209 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: longer than a nine month gestation. There was. There was 210 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: more time to get used to the idea, I guess. Yeah, 211 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:48,079 Speaker 1: So how about how did Ethiopia happen? And so, as 212 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: I said, originally this and I hadn't been thinking of 213 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: adopting from the Philippines, but the original discussion had been 214 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,840 Speaker 1: this program that was affiliated with the Philippines, and so 215 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:01,440 Speaker 1: I already had an international focus. And so between the 216 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 1: social worker and I, she talked to some of her contacts, 217 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: and then I did some research and it sort of 218 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 1: narrowed down, you know, who was open to single mothers, 219 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: and it narrowed down to Ethiopia. And the thing that 220 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,480 Speaker 1: I learned is this was new to me. When you 221 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,200 Speaker 1: adopt internationally, you go through an agency, right, So I 222 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 1: had an agency here that did the home study, and 223 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 1: then I had an agency that was actually out of 224 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 1: Massachusetts that did all the international component of it. They 225 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,360 Speaker 1: had to have the connections in Ethiopia and all that, 226 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,240 Speaker 1: all that paperwork and everything. But when you do when 227 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 1: you adopt internationally, and you have to pick the country 228 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: first because each country has different requirements. So even though 229 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:52,400 Speaker 1: my agency facilitated adoptions, if I remember correctly, it was 230 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: the Philippines, Columbia, Russia, Ethiopia, maybe not the Philippines, someplace else, 231 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 1: and they did domestic adoptions as well, but each one 232 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 1: of those different countries had different requirements, so you had 233 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,959 Speaker 1: to pick one and then you went down that path. 234 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 1: You had to commit. You had to commit, which was 235 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 1: the first step is going to be a little open 236 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: minded on this. So, yeah, did did you go to 237 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: Ethiopia to get them? I did. I had to go twice. 238 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 1: And so once I got the referral, let's see, which 239 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 1: was in September of two thousand and eleven, and it 240 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 1: was a year and three days after I had gotten 241 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: on the wait list. So there's the time for the 242 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 1: waiting part. There's the time putting everything together, and then 243 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 1: there's the time being on the waitlist, and you're not 244 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: on the wait list in my agency until everything was complete. 245 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: And so that was the last piece of that process 246 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: was the federal fingerprints. So once they got that, then 247 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: so my waitless date. And then a year and three 248 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: days later I got the referral. And then about six 249 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,839 Speaker 1: months after that there was more paperwork and then they 250 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,440 Speaker 1: came home. But I got the referral in September. I 251 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 1: went in January the Ethiopia because I had to go 252 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,760 Speaker 1: through the court system in Ethiopia and then flew back. 253 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 1: So I was there for a week, flew back, waited 254 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,040 Speaker 1: here about six weeks. Well, there was more paperwork, and 255 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: then flew back to get the girls and go through 256 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,520 Speaker 1: the US embassy. Oh my gosh, what a process. Well, 257 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,960 Speaker 1: in a moment, we're going to hear about how things 258 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 1: have gone since you've gotten the girls and all the 259 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: tips and tricks you have, because I love how you 260 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,920 Speaker 1: kind of described it to Laura that you've figured a 261 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,320 Speaker 1: lot of things out and gotten rid of a lot 262 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 1: of assumptions. But we're just going to take a quick 263 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 1: break and we will be right back. Listeners. We know 264 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: you're busy, but is there something that's interfering with your 265 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: happiness or is preventing you from achieving your goals? If so, 266 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 1: Betterhelp Online Counseling is there for you. 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All right, 314 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: So I can't wait to hear more about this adoption story. 315 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 1: So you are getting your girls from Ethiopia, and when 316 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 1: you adopted them, they were about you said, three and 317 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 1: sixteen months, right, that's about how old they are. Is 318 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 1: that pretty typical for the ages that children are adopted from. 319 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 1: It ranges. It can be babies to teenagers. And are 320 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,679 Speaker 1: they are they siblings? Like? Were they adopted as a pair? 321 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: You just wanted two children? Okay? Yes, and yes that 322 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,919 Speaker 1: worked out well. And that was another thing I had 323 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,159 Speaker 1: to establish that upfront. You have to establish you know 324 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: that you're open to siblings and or not and that. Yeah, 325 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: so here we are. We'll set the scene. You're you're 326 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,920 Speaker 1: single direct at the time over in Ethiopia, and she's 327 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 1: suddenly bringing two babies, like, yes, toddlers, toddlers like from 328 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: flying from Addis Aba right to like jfk JFK to Bontana, 329 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,720 Speaker 1: Like this sounds like quite a journey, you know about 330 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: this because that's a pretty big baptism into parenthood. And 331 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,040 Speaker 1: did you go is by yourself? You did this journey 332 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 1: by yourself. My mom came with me, which was great, 333 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: and yeah, Addis Ababa, we went oddis to Frankfurt, which 334 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: is like an overnight eight hour flight, and then there's 335 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: an eight hour layover in Frankfurt, because that's what you want, 336 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:10,239 Speaker 1: and then ten hours to Denver I think it was. 337 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 1: And then what nobody told me, and we had a 338 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,840 Speaker 1: two hour labor in Denver. But nobody told me, and 339 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: I read like every blog I could find about this 340 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: is when you go through customs and immigration, you get 341 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: pulled aside into the special room. Because my girl's visa 342 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 1: they got citizenship when they landed, so they had to 343 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: go through a different process. Wow, we had a tow 344 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,440 Speaker 1: hour labor. We had to go through all that stuff. 345 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 1: And so we got to our plane with fifteen minutes 346 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,120 Speaker 1: to spare, and I was like, we can't stay here. 347 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:44,160 Speaker 1: We have to keep going, but we have to make 348 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: this plane. I cannot not be home tonight. No, especially 349 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,639 Speaker 1: after the plight to Frankfurt, the eight hour labor or 350 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 1: from hour flight to Denver. Yeah, you wanted to go home. 351 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: You wanted to go home, But I remember, you know, 352 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,640 Speaker 1: it's sort of madness and everything is sort of a 353 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,560 Speaker 1: you know, a blur. But I do remember with my mom, 354 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 1: she had a bad back, so she was in a 355 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: wheelchair in the Hospit not in a hospital in the airport, 356 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 1: just in the airport, and because it was hard to 357 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 1: walk long distances, and so I don't even she was 358 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 1: in the wheelchair being pushed by somebody. There was a 359 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: child on her lap. I was pushing some another child 360 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:23,400 Speaker 1: in a stroller. I had a backpack. I'm pretty sure 361 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: there was a wheelie suitcase. Like we looked like a circus, right, 362 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,520 Speaker 1: And we get to the gate with fifteen minutes to spare. 363 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: We just get right onto the plane and a flight 364 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,919 Speaker 1: attendant shows up as we're settling ourselves in and he's like, 365 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: I'm your new best friend because he's holding a cell 366 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: phone and uh he says, you know, like you left 367 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,120 Speaker 1: this in the waiting area. And I'm about to say no, no, 368 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:48,959 Speaker 1: that's not us, and he's like, as another flight attendant says, no, no, 369 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 1: it's not them, it's somebody else, and like, I'm sorry, 370 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 1: that's okay. We look like the kind of people that 371 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,159 Speaker 1: would leave a cell phone in the waiting area, and 372 00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 1: he goes, yeah, you do. By the way, I mentioned, 373 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: we've been flying for forty eight hours at this point. 374 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,439 Speaker 1: It was brand new to us. Toddlers. The hardest part, like, 375 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: you know, we did. My little one still had was 376 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: a bottle fed and I was like, I don't know 377 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: when she's gonna be hungry, Like I was just constantly 378 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,440 Speaker 1: ready to feed her. But she was in the basinette 379 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,639 Speaker 1: and the vibrations of the plane she slept. Oh, that 380 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 1: was great. And I suppose the eight hours and Frankfurt 381 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: worked for us because she got to run around and 382 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 1: then she slept again. Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. We should use 383 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:37,439 Speaker 1: that as a tip sometimes, right you push ridiculousness, it 384 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,679 Speaker 1: might all be okay. And so you come back and 385 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: now you are a single mom of two young girls 386 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,680 Speaker 1: and you have this big job at the university, and 387 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,439 Speaker 1: so what was the system you put in place, Like 388 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:54,560 Speaker 1: how did you sort out childcare and your work hours? 389 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 1: Tell us about that part. So the interesting thing again 390 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: this is, you know, one of the the unique features 391 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: I think about adoption is I had to figure out 392 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,760 Speaker 1: the child's care before I knew who the children were. 393 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,920 Speaker 1: So I had to go to different places to you know, 394 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: like maybe it's somebody, maybe there's an infant, so I 395 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: need to go to the place that has infant daycare 396 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 1: and maybe it's going to be like twin three year olds, 397 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: so that means I have to go to the place here. 398 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 1: So I had a few different places set up, and 399 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 1: I knew that they were going to go into daycare, 400 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: and I one of the daycares for my older daughter 401 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,720 Speaker 1: was on campus and you had to be three in 402 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,919 Speaker 1: potty training to go, so I knew that was going 403 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 1: to be all set, so that was great. And then 404 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,879 Speaker 1: the other one, my younger daughter went to daycare that 405 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 1: was for infants to three year olds, and so yeah, 406 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 1: that was they. I was home for four months with them, 407 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: but they started daycare in July, I remember correctly, because 408 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,760 Speaker 1: I had was going up for tenure that year, so 409 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 1: I had to get my tenure packet ready so that 410 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,200 Speaker 1: we could all continue. You to eat, Yes, there is that. 411 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,359 Speaker 1: There was that right, so they and I think it 412 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,960 Speaker 1: was in June. I actually started having a friend's daughter 413 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,120 Speaker 1: come over for a few hours, just in the mornings, 414 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: like after school got out. Our school gets out early 415 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,159 Speaker 1: in the month of June, so she came over for 416 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,120 Speaker 1: a few mornings a week so the girls could get 417 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,680 Speaker 1: used to having somebody else besides me take care of them. 418 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,480 Speaker 1: And then I could also breathe. But in the beginning, 419 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,919 Speaker 1: what was hard is they needed to bond with me. 420 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,360 Speaker 1: They needed to know I was their mother. So I 421 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: had to do everything, which is hard because you want 422 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,439 Speaker 1: people to come in and help, but I really couldn't. 423 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,239 Speaker 1: You know. The kind of help that they could do 424 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,360 Speaker 1: is a friends, you know, set up a meal train, 425 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,199 Speaker 1: which was great, and you know, like I would have 426 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: killed for somebody to come in and do my laundry. 427 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,760 Speaker 1: That I would have been fabulous because Aunt of Laundry 428 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: had suddenly gone up a lot for my Lord before. Yes, 429 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 1: and it's so little, so you can shove so much 430 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: in a wash and then you're, oh, yeah, I remember that, 431 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:07,159 Speaker 1: and then yeah, So because they came home in the 432 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 1: middle of the semester, so I had the rest of 433 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 1: the semester off, and then I already had wasn't teaching 434 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 1: in the summer, so it worked that way. And then 435 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 1: as I said, I arranged for the daycare before I 436 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:18,640 Speaker 1: went back also so that when I did go back, 437 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 1: it wasn't this transition of me going back to work 438 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,119 Speaker 1: at the same time as I'm getting ready, you know, 439 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,120 Speaker 1: to drop them off a daycare. And so they did 440 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,639 Speaker 1: daycare and I can't really remember if they started part 441 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: time or full time in the summer, but they were 442 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 1: full time in the fall. Yeah, but you're very I 443 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 1: mean straightforward about it, like as you said, like you 444 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 1: need a tenure because everyone had to eat. Like it's 445 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: not like this was an optional part of this family's 446 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 1: building process. So you know, you go through that hurdle. 447 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: And one of the reasons we wanted to talk with 448 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,239 Speaker 1: you is, I mean, some of the emails you've sent me, 449 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,239 Speaker 1: I guess I could quote from them, but you know 450 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 1: that single parents have to navigate a system in society 451 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,560 Speaker 1: that was historically designed with two parent families in mind. 452 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:09,280 Speaker 1: And because of this, you've had to question assumptions and 453 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 1: successfully but some myths I mean both on the parenting side, 454 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,639 Speaker 1: I mean what you're capable of doing there, but also 455 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: on the employment side, that the sort of accommodations that 456 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,760 Speaker 1: are possible that people might not imagine. You know that, oh, 457 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,200 Speaker 1: can you go up for tenure with two new babies, Like, well, 458 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:31,120 Speaker 1: yes you can. So it turns out you can talks 459 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,879 Speaker 1: about those assumptions that you've been challenging. Well so. And 460 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,119 Speaker 1: I think part of it is that just by the 461 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 1: nature of the fact that when I'm a single mom, 462 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,120 Speaker 1: and two that my kids are adopted. Right, there were 463 00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:46,879 Speaker 1: a non traditional family. So therefore all of the traditional 464 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: approaches or thoughts or assumptions about families don't have to exist. 465 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:57,199 Speaker 1: We have already started challenging them so we can, like 466 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,399 Speaker 1: Father's Day, we celebrate with my dad and instead of 467 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,879 Speaker 1: with a father here right in work, it's very much 468 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,920 Speaker 1: trying to figure out the balance between being at home 469 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,359 Speaker 1: and being at work and saying like, no, I can't 470 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 1: because I'm going to you know, I can't do this 471 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,880 Speaker 1: at this I can't go in at work at night 472 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,440 Speaker 1: to do an event because I'm with my kids. Right, 473 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,359 Speaker 1: I'm going to balance that. But it's also you know, 474 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 1: making having discussions with people at work because the way 475 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: our sick leave and our vacation leave works out, it's 476 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 1: two separate things. And so if my kids are sick, 477 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,199 Speaker 1: I can take sick leave, but if they don't have school, 478 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 1: I'm either putting them in camp or I'm using my 479 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,439 Speaker 1: vacation time. And I've had conversations with people to say, like, 480 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,919 Speaker 1: your vacation time is so you can go take a vacation, 481 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,640 Speaker 1: which I understand. Right, I'm going to do my job 482 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,399 Speaker 1: better if I go take a vacation, and at the 483 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 1: same time, the way it's structured it makes it hard 484 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,440 Speaker 1: if I'm using all my vacation time because my kids 485 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: are not in school, Like, can we talk about maybe 486 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:00,920 Speaker 1: using some of the sick time for that instead. Haven't 487 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,440 Speaker 1: gotten them to make those changes yet, but I'm trying. 488 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,679 Speaker 1: We are, you know, subject to state law and all 489 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,399 Speaker 1: of that, so there are some constraints that we have. 490 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 1: But it is you know, just having people think about it, 491 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,879 Speaker 1: because there's a lot of stuff out there that I 492 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,880 Speaker 1: think is set up for those two parent families. Right 493 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,120 Speaker 1: there is this assumption that you're going to well, it's 494 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:25,439 Speaker 1: actually set up for two parent families with one working 495 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:30,320 Speaker 1: parent exactly right, And so I think just doing it. 496 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 1: You know, in your situations you've got two parent families 497 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,639 Speaker 1: and two working parents, so right there, that's challenging it. 498 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,120 Speaker 1: In my situation, it's one working parent, and step further, 499 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,560 Speaker 1: it's challenging it. And it's just saying here's this, it's 500 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: what happens. You know, it works, and let's if this 501 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,639 Speaker 1: can happen, let's think about all the other things that 502 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,320 Speaker 1: can happen. This is not it's not well. And I 503 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,600 Speaker 1: would think I would think that the dreaded mom guilt 504 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 1: would not apply in your situation, right, Like what single 505 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: mom would feel guilty about working? Like I again, you 506 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 1: just said you wouldn't eat. It was when the girls. 507 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: I remember the when where I was going back to 508 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,040 Speaker 1: work right after the girls came home. I had a 509 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 1: class once a week that I had to teach at 510 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:16,080 Speaker 1: eight o'clock in the morning, and both of my girls 511 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,719 Speaker 1: were in daycare, and both of their daycares opened at 512 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 1: seven thirty, and so I, yeah, unfortunately I live in 513 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,600 Speaker 1: a small town, so I did it like we would, 514 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: you know, be waiting at one daycare for to drop 515 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:33,439 Speaker 1: off one girl before seven thirty. So we like we 516 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: were there be when the door opened, like here's the 517 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 1: child to get back in the car and go then 518 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,240 Speaker 1: to the next daycare. But I remember talking to somebody 519 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 1: and explaining this, and I was like, I don't know 520 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:44,560 Speaker 1: what I'm going to do. You know, these two daycares 521 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,280 Speaker 1: they opened at seven thirty. It's going to be interesting. 522 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,800 Speaker 1: And this woman that I was talking to, she's like, 523 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 1: I know the guilt, and I was like, the logistics 524 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,440 Speaker 1: loving to do it. There's no guilty here. They need 525 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,639 Speaker 1: to go daycare, I gotta go to work, and they 526 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:01,440 Speaker 1: need to get Yes, yeah, yeah, that's problematic here. Well, 527 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 1: you know, I'm going to take a flying leap of 528 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 1: assumption here that maybe not all of your students were 529 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:12,840 Speaker 1: in their seats at eight am sharp. Either's no. There 530 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: were a couple of times where I would I had 531 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,280 Speaker 1: a TA who could set things up. He couldn't teach, 532 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: but he could set things up, and I'd be like, 533 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,439 Speaker 1: I just get the slides ready, and I'd be like, 534 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: you know, taking my coat up, take my coat and 535 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 1: put my back down and then just start teaching. And yes, 536 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,160 Speaker 1: still people would come in after me. Yeah exactly, exactly, Yeah, 537 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 1: But I think it is worth You know, what it 538 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,879 Speaker 1: has made me think about is and it's both. You know, 539 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 1: I'm a the parent of black children and I'm a 540 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: single parent. So there are a lot of different things 541 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,760 Speaker 1: about our world in society that I did not know 542 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: eleven years ago, right that I do now. And it 543 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: makes me just question everything and question in a way 544 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 1: of does this need to be this way? Can we 545 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: make a change, can we make it better? And I 546 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 1: really do believe that if we improve situations to adapt 547 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: to non traditional families in whatever way we actually improve 548 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,120 Speaker 1: the situations for all families. Yeah, right, that's wonderful. And 549 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: I'm curious with I mean, with your daughter's different cultural backgrounds. 550 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,560 Speaker 1: I mean, do you plan to have them learn about 551 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,000 Speaker 1: Ethiopia and travel back there and see the country and 552 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:35,480 Speaker 1: things like that. Absolutely, they talk about it. My daughter, 553 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: one of my daughters, has very distinct memories about it. 554 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 1: We have pictures from when I was there. Yes, they 555 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 1: we definitely will go back. It is their heritage. It's 556 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 1: who they are. And they're very proud Ethiopians and American. 557 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 1: That's true. You going to be both. Well. We always 558 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:57,920 Speaker 1: like to ask our guests about a day in their lives. 559 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,600 Speaker 1: And now your daughters are older, so you know, obviously 560 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: you were getting used to them when they were toddlers, 561 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:04,960 Speaker 1: but now they are big girls. So what does the 562 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 1: day in the life of my line look like now? 563 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:13,080 Speaker 1: So the mornings are so much nicer. You're not chopping 564 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,920 Speaker 1: them off at seven thirty day care, Yes, not even that. 565 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 1: Like they get up by themselves. One of them always 566 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: wakes up earlier than the other. They will go downstairs, 567 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,560 Speaker 1: they will make breakfast, they will make their lunches, they'll 568 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:31,680 Speaker 1: empty the dishwasher. Ooh, I know, awesome. And then and 569 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,800 Speaker 1: I'll get up in the perfect world, I'm up before 570 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 1: them and reading or writing. Sometimes it's work writing, sometimes 571 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 1: it's journal writing, doing yoga or mowing the lawn or 572 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 1: you know, doing something before they get up. And then 573 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 1: you know, check in with them, eat breakfast with them, 574 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:57,000 Speaker 1: and then they walk to school, which is delightly cool. 575 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: And so they'll leave like eight fifteen ish. And then 576 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,480 Speaker 1: and even for camp this summer, they will the camp 577 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,000 Speaker 1: that they go to is down the street from my house. 578 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:13,520 Speaker 1: They will walk to camp like amazing state, how exciting 579 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,800 Speaker 1: that is. Yeah, and then do you just leave after 580 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,840 Speaker 1: you leave around the same time yep, and leave after 581 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:23,240 Speaker 1: that when they finish camp. Because all camps, this was 582 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 1: if one thing I would change, all camps end at 583 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 1: three thirty. Yeah. I mean. The one thing I have 584 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 1: found is almost all of them seem to have after 585 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:35,720 Speaker 1: care until six. But maybe that's regional. I don't know. Yes, 586 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 1: none of their camps used to have the camp that 587 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: they went to last year, and for a few years 588 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 1: before that did have some aftercare. But now that they're older, 589 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: at the end of camp, they can take the bus 590 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:53,800 Speaker 1: to my office. Ooh, I know, so cool. Yeah, so 591 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 1: they take the best of my office and then they'll 592 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:59,320 Speaker 1: hang out there for about an hour and then we'll 593 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:04,920 Speaker 1: come home. I'll make dinner, they'll unpacked, get ready, they'll read, 594 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:08,960 Speaker 1: they'll play, and then they'll read, get ready for bed, 595 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: and then they're in bed. A good day, eightish on 596 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 1: a summer day. Night, good night. Yeah. But they're pretty 597 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:30,560 Speaker 1: good discipline over here. Well, that sounds lovely, And I 598 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:32,840 Speaker 1: do wonder if the fact that you are single has 599 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: actually helped them become more independent, which is a fantastic thing. 600 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,520 Speaker 1: And oddly enough, what we're talking about in the intro 601 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,720 Speaker 1: of this podcast, even though you didn't hear that part. 602 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 1: So how cool. They're doing so much. They're together, they're 603 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 1: going to camp, they go to you up. That's fantastic. Yeah. 604 00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 1: I do think that's one of the things that I mean, 605 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:55,560 Speaker 1: you basically sort of took the words right out of 606 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 1: my mouth there, that I do think that as a 607 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:02,920 Speaker 1: single mom, they they are or in a family that 608 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,200 Speaker 1: is led by a single mother, they are more independent 609 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,520 Speaker 1: or they have more autonomy. I'm not sure they're not 610 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,840 Speaker 1: running free, right, I'm still decidedly in charge. But they 611 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,920 Speaker 1: will go out and they will do things like they 612 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: have their chores. And I actually got the idea from 613 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 1: one of your podcasts, I think, in a much earlier 614 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:27,320 Speaker 1: one with the chores, the year long term chores. K 615 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, thank yes, yes, kJ yes, I was getting 616 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: your name. My girls their birthdays are about six months apart, 617 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:35,600 Speaker 1: so they'll switch on their birthday. So whoever's birthday it is, 618 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,880 Speaker 1: their birthday present is they get to pick first about 619 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: which chores they want to do. I love that. That's 620 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,400 Speaker 1: so cool. And they fought over who got to clean 621 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 1: the bathroom, which I don't. I'm just going to accept 622 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: that one and let it go exactly so do not 623 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: understand that one. And then but yeah, like even with 624 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,880 Speaker 1: you know, going back to the laundry, like when they 625 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: were little, they had and they would dress a lot alike. 626 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,280 Speaker 1: They liked, you know, we picked stuff out and they 627 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,880 Speaker 1: would always pick out the same things, and their sizes 628 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:10,160 Speaker 1: were similar, and it would like my eyes would bleed 629 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: trying to figure out whose was who's oh yeah, because 630 00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:15,880 Speaker 1: you know it's the same thing. Finally, one day I 631 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,480 Speaker 1: got frustrated and I was just like, all right, this 632 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:20,840 Speaker 1: is your laundry basket, and this is your laundry basket. 633 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,759 Speaker 1: You put your clothes in your laundry basket, and I 634 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,480 Speaker 1: would just do each kid's laundry at once, fold it 635 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 1: and then give the basket back and they would put 636 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,840 Speaker 1: it away. Great, even little one like three and a 637 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:37,640 Speaker 1: half four. Wow, totally cool. Well, I wouldn't blame you 638 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:42,120 Speaker 1: if that was your love of the week. But my yes, 639 00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 1: perhaps you have another one for us as well, dude, 640 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,440 Speaker 1: Well one of mine, and I wish this had existed, 641 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 1: and I think it's come up before. I think wish 642 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,800 Speaker 1: this had existed when the girls were little. The grocery pickup, 643 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:59,879 Speaker 1: which was its spectacular, But the one I really love 644 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: is the Target order online pick up and store, so 645 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,200 Speaker 1: that there's you know, we don't go into Target and 646 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:10,440 Speaker 1: they don't get all distracted by all the things that 647 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 1: they can buy. It's a limited little list, unlimited selection 648 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:17,600 Speaker 1: of stuff. But I do love that. That's awesome. Good 649 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,120 Speaker 1: love of the week, Laura, what's your love of the week. 650 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Now I'm like stuck. Oh yeah, I 651 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,279 Speaker 1: have to come up with the no, no, no, We've 652 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:31,640 Speaker 1: been having good good stuff. Mine. I think this week. 653 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:34,440 Speaker 1: We're recording this In the summer, I've been doing mommy 654 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: days with each of my kids, but leaving theme parks 655 00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:41,520 Speaker 1: after just a few hours. That it turns out you 656 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 1: don't have to stay all day, and if the kid 657 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,000 Speaker 1: is done, you can leave. And this is a wonderful thing. 658 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: You don't have to bring out every single penny. And 659 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 1: I'm usually done after a few hours too, So I 660 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,759 Speaker 1: am all in favor of the half day at an 661 00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:59,200 Speaker 1: amusement park. That's my love of the week. My love 662 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,640 Speaker 1: of the week is Girls Get Ways, because I'm going 663 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,640 Speaker 1: on one tomorrow and I'm very excited about it. Yeah, Laura, 664 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,840 Speaker 1: I could have told you that we're like the laziest 665 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,799 Speaker 1: theme park people ever. We'd love to go to, like 666 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 1: we must open seconds down. I had one thing, Oh yeah, sorry, 667 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,160 Speaker 1: It just occurred to me when you mentioned your Girl's Weekend, Sarah, 668 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,480 Speaker 1: that one of the things that I did when the 669 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:26,040 Speaker 1: girls were little is I went because I traveled sometimes 670 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 1: for work, not nearly as frequently as you do, Laura, 671 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,719 Speaker 1: but you know, i'd have conferences and all sorts and 672 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,399 Speaker 1: I went on you know, workshops and things like that, 673 00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:36,719 Speaker 1: but I made sure I went on a trip by 674 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,279 Speaker 1: myself before I went on a work trip, so that 675 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:44,040 Speaker 1: when I went away for work, I wasn't going to 676 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,640 Speaker 1: be having any of that mom guilt should it have 677 00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:48,759 Speaker 1: existed that I was going to be away, because I 678 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 1: had already been away and I knew I could do it, 679 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,400 Speaker 1: and I was like, great, I got rid of all 680 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:54,759 Speaker 1: of it on the trip for me, and then all 681 00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:59,520 Speaker 1: work trips afterwards were very smart. Well, my Lene, thank 682 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,600 Speaker 1: you so much for joining us and for sharing your story. 683 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,000 Speaker 1: We really appreciate it. Thanks for having me all Right, 684 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,240 Speaker 1: we have for our Q and A today. A fairly 685 00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:11,840 Speaker 1: short question that we got from Instagram says, I recognize 686 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:13,919 Speaker 1: the value of planning, but never seem to find time 687 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,400 Speaker 1: to do it. What are your tips for holding planning 688 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 1: time sacred when there are lots of competing priorities? You 689 00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,440 Speaker 1: guys know, we've answered a lot of planning queries on 690 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,600 Speaker 1: the show, but you know what, there are plenty more, 691 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:30,120 Speaker 1: so we'll talk about So my response was, Hey, you 692 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 1: are halfway there in recognizing the value of planning. You 693 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,759 Speaker 1: mentioned competing priorities, but a lot of times thinking a 694 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,920 Speaker 1: few steps ahead makes those other priorities much easier to accomplish. 695 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,400 Speaker 1: You can get more done when you're not scrambling for childcare, 696 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,280 Speaker 1: when you order things ahead of time or have booked 697 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,799 Speaker 1: things in advance, just meaning you got to remember that, yes, 698 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,399 Speaker 1: you have other priorities, but in order to make things 699 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,600 Speaker 1: more seamless for you down the line, it's probably worth 700 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,959 Speaker 1: the investment of that time. I mean, I suggested making 701 00:37:57,000 --> 00:38:00,040 Speaker 1: it part of this person's routine somewhere for me in 702 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,879 Speaker 1: the morning. Some people like to do in the evening, 703 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:03,600 Speaker 1: right after they as they're going to leave for work. 704 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:06,120 Speaker 1: Other people like right before bed. I think making it 705 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,279 Speaker 1: an automatic part of your day rather than something that 706 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:11,160 Speaker 1: you're trying to quote fit in is probably going to 707 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: make things easier. And then I want Laura's response, And 708 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,440 Speaker 1: then I thought we could share a comment from another 709 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,920 Speaker 1: listener that kind of answers this question in a way. Yeah, 710 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,399 Speaker 1: I mean, I think having a regular time, as Sarah said, 711 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: is key. And you know, I do the bulk of 712 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:28,440 Speaker 1: my planning sort of on a weekly basis, and I 713 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,960 Speaker 1: do it on Friday afternoons. You know, we've talked in 714 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,520 Speaker 1: the past about why that might be a good time 715 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,040 Speaker 1: for at least some chunk of people. You tend to 716 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,719 Speaker 1: be winding down the week at that point. A lot 717 00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,760 Speaker 1: of people aren't willing to start new projects on Friday afternoons, 718 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 1: so it's very easy to waste that time. And if 719 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,759 Speaker 1: you repurpose it for planning the week ahead, then you've 720 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,200 Speaker 1: turned what might be wasted time into some of your 721 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,000 Speaker 1: most productive minutes of the week. I also tend to 722 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,040 Speaker 1: do then a quick planning kind of at the end 723 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,000 Speaker 1: of the work day or before I go to bed 724 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,160 Speaker 1: for the next day, sort of looking through the schedule, 725 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,720 Speaker 1: and you know, planning any times I've assigned myself around 726 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,759 Speaker 1: what David Allen calls the hard landscape of the day 727 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,520 Speaker 1: or the hard escape, whatever phrase he uses. But you know, 728 00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:10,080 Speaker 1: whatever meetings or time specific commitments you have. So if 729 00:39:10,120 --> 00:39:11,799 Speaker 1: you see you have something at ten o'clock and you 730 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,160 Speaker 1: want to, you know, do an hour long project, you 731 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:16,120 Speaker 1: try to do that before your ten o'clock, right, and 732 00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,799 Speaker 1: then you know, maybe I'll make these phone calls at 733 00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,680 Speaker 1: eleven when I'm done with that meeting, and you know, 734 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,600 Speaker 1: you know how this works. So but by doing the 735 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,960 Speaker 1: bulk of the planning on Friday and then the night 736 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,280 Speaker 1: before for the next day, I find that it happens. 737 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,560 Speaker 1: And as Sarah said, I mean, yeah, we've have tons 738 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,040 Speaker 1: of priorities, but those priorities are not going to get 739 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:37,600 Speaker 1: easier to fit in if you don't think about your time. 740 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:42,440 Speaker 1: So planning is time passes, whether you think about how 741 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,560 Speaker 1: you're spending it or not. It's like you are on 742 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:48,360 Speaker 1: a canoe in a raging river, right. The only way 743 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,760 Speaker 1: to direct the craft is like try to get yourself 744 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,319 Speaker 1: over to the side for a little bits of time 745 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,359 Speaker 1: to say, okay, well that's where I see the rapids going, 746 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:55,839 Speaker 1: like that's why it see. You know, this is how 747 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,160 Speaker 1: I'm going to maneuver around it. If you don't do that, 748 00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,640 Speaker 1: you're just going to go where the current's going to 749 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:01,719 Speaker 1: take you. I love that analogy because it's not like 750 00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:03,600 Speaker 1: you have total control. Like we all know, there are 751 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:05,200 Speaker 1: things that are going to derail you. If you have 752 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,480 Speaker 1: a tsunami come by, you're going to flip over. But 753 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,720 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you should just you know, let yourself 754 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:15,720 Speaker 1: drift in circles. Yeah, if that's how water works. Yeah, 755 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:17,759 Speaker 1: if that's how water works, well, this is not a 756 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:21,000 Speaker 1: water movement podcast, so we'll just well and I was 757 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,200 Speaker 1: going to add, so as we were. You know, we've 758 00:40:23,239 --> 00:40:25,680 Speaker 1: talked about planning fatigue many times, and I just thought 759 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:28,000 Speaker 1: this was a cool response that one of our listeners 760 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,759 Speaker 1: wrote back to us. She wrote, Sarah mentioned keeping the 761 00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:34,040 Speaker 1: planning process enjoyable. I'm considering ways to personalize that for me, 762 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:37,120 Speaker 1: which will likely involve coffee or chocolate. I also want 763 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:40,080 Speaker 1: to embrace the perspective that plannings is a means of 764 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,160 Speaker 1: feeling prepared and equipped for the days ahead. That would 765 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:46,359 Speaker 1: be the starting place for planning to feel pleasurable and proactive. Again, 766 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:49,239 Speaker 1: she says that one of Laura's comments also helped her 767 00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:53,040 Speaker 1: to reframe planning. See it as a privilege in getting 768 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,560 Speaker 1: to experience things that I want to experience in ways 769 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:58,360 Speaker 1: that resonate best with me. Those events are tasks that 770 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,120 Speaker 1: take greatest signifants can bring it greater sense of enjoyment 771 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:04,160 Speaker 1: or accomplishment when I take the lead on planning. And 772 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,799 Speaker 1: then she mentions that she got her kids come up 773 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,839 Speaker 1: with their own summer fun lists and that they've set 774 00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,800 Speaker 1: some goals about family adventures and kind of just involve 775 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,480 Speaker 1: the kids more in general in that and that that's 776 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,359 Speaker 1: been a fun aspect for her. So I don't know 777 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:20,400 Speaker 1: if this person who wrote in was speaking about plans 778 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,040 Speaker 1: that involve the family, but you know, maybe there is 779 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,640 Speaker 1: some stuff that can be done more more as a group, 780 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,319 Speaker 1: or to even outsource onto the kids. Going back to 781 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,440 Speaker 1: art independence discussion independence. So it comes back to that. 782 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,000 Speaker 1: That's a great answer and this has been best of 783 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,360 Speaker 1: both worlds. We've been talking with Mileen Lary about adoption 784 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,360 Speaker 1: and single parenting. We've also been talking about independent children 785 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,920 Speaker 1: and planning. We'll be back next week with more on 786 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:48,520 Speaker 1: making work and life fit together. Thanks for listening. You 787 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:51,839 Speaker 1: can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com or 788 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:55,399 Speaker 1: at the Underscore shoe Box on Instagram, and you can 789 00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 1: find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has 790 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,040 Speaker 1: been the best of both worlds podcasts. Please join us 791 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,440 Speaker 1: next time for more on making work and life work together.