Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren z E mc coomedy from the
Speaker 1: home office in Austin, Texas, LZ, what's on your mind today?
Speaker 2: I got a.
Speaker 3: Little playbook topic for us to get into today. Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm calling it simply daddy issues.
Speaker 1: Oh god, how long is this podcast going to be?
Speaker 3: Okay, well, you've already hit the nail on the head.
Speaker 2: My friend, here's what I want to talk to you about.
Speaker 3: And I think this is going to be an interesting
Speaker 3: discussion for us to have, like male female relationships wise,
Speaker 3: what's okay to say?
Speaker 2: Basically?
Speaker 3: So, I was getting a coffee the other day with
Speaker 3: a friend. She's a little younger than me, and she
Speaker 3: was kind of asking my advice because she lost her
Speaker 3: dad a few years ago, and she was asking my
Speaker 3: advice about dating. Because when you've lost a parent and
Speaker 3: you're dating and you're young, especially, people like assume that
Speaker 3: you still your parents. So the first, you know, one
Speaker 3: of the early questions on a first date is like,
Speaker 3: so where does your family live?
Speaker 2: Where are your parents?
Speaker 3: And you know, I would usually avoid a bout being like, yeah,
Speaker 3: my mom's in Chicago.
Speaker 2: And then they're like, oh, okay, so, but like and
Speaker 2: where's your dad? And then you're like, so, my dad's dead.
Speaker 1: Yes. Uh.
Speaker 2: It can get uncomfortable quickly.
Speaker 3: You try to the other person says sorry, you try
Speaker 3: to make them feel better, et cetera. But so she
Speaker 3: was asking me my advice on how to handle it
Speaker 3: in the conversation, and she said, I just feel like
Speaker 3: I'm worried these guys are going to think I have
Speaker 3: daddy issues and some have even said that to me before, like, oh,
Speaker 3: daddy issues.
Speaker 2: And I said I hate that phrase, and she.
Speaker 3: Goes, I do too, And we were just kind of
Speaker 3: talking about, like, you know, why does it bother us?
Speaker 3: And then as I started to think about it, I thought, well,
Speaker 3: but you know, it's unfair of me. I've used the
Speaker 3: phrase mommy issues before about it, and I just wanted
Speaker 3: us to get into are these phrases okay to say?
Speaker 2: What do they convey?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 2: I'm rhyming and does anyone not have these issues? What
Speaker 2: do you think?
Speaker 1: First of all, they're okay to say here's what they convey? Oh, look,
Speaker 1: I think they are okay because they're real.
Speaker 3: On both you know, by the way I've changed my
Speaker 3: own mind about it. Literally, like I was at first
Speaker 3: in that conversation with her, like, man, I hate that phrase,
Speaker 3: but I realized, I think I'm just kind of sensitive
Speaker 3: to it. And then when I found myself using the
Speaker 3: phrase mommy issues, I thought, oh my gosh, I'm a hypocrite.
Speaker 2: Do you know why I think it is?
Speaker 3: I think it's because, especially when we're young, and I'm
Speaker 3: really giving it up to freud.
Speaker 2: Here uh huh.
Speaker 3: Well, not in a weird way, but like we tend
Speaker 3: to date some version, we tend to date a version
Speaker 3: of that parent because and I think it's just because
Speaker 3: that's the relationship, that's the model we have, that's the
Speaker 3: relationship we've seen.
Speaker 1: For sure. The psychology has a huge part of that.
Speaker 3: Like if you love your parent, yeah, I mean I
Speaker 3: loved my dad. So what do you think you think? Well,
Speaker 3: I want to find someone who's gonna treat me the
Speaker 3: way my.
Speaker 2: Dad treated me.
Speaker 1: He is the strength, he is the voice of reason
Speaker 1: and education and love.
Speaker 2: And then if you've lost your daddy're trying to replace
Speaker 2: your dad.
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't know, Like, I think these are
Speaker 3: very real and I realize what I really the reason
Speaker 3: I really.
Speaker 2: Wanted to talk about it is because it's like we
Speaker 2: got to normalize it. We all have issues. Shout out
Speaker 2: to doctor Phil's new book.
Speaker 1: We've got issue issues, and we do and look to
Speaker 1: a certain degree. You're right, we all do have issues.
Speaker 1: But as you said, you lost your dad at a
Speaker 1: young age, but let's say it was a younger age,
Speaker 1: even like you know when you are five, six, seven,
Speaker 1: ten years old, you know that impact of losing that
Speaker 1: figure in your life. Like you said, you will, you
Speaker 1: will seek that out and that I think that's the
Speaker 1: truest definition of daddy issues is when a female has
Speaker 1: never had that male role. Therefore they seek it in others.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it can be in a bad way. That
Speaker 1: will seek out kind of any sort of male support
Speaker 1: and love, and oftentimes it can find itself in a
Speaker 1: very toxic way. When we say guys have mommy issues,
Speaker 1: a lot of times we can be too attacked, we
Speaker 1: can be too attached.
Speaker 2: By the way. I'm actually not saying that about you.
Speaker 3: I truly don't think you are, but you're right, that
Speaker 3: is the stereotype in it. And then the second you said,
Speaker 3: that's several of like my friend's husbands popped into mine,
Speaker 3: or guys that have.
Speaker 1: Been coddled and taken care of and always pampered and
Speaker 1: you know, had your bottom wiped for you your whole life. Therefore,
Speaker 1: you are not a grown funk man who can.
Speaker 3: Stereotype is he's too attached to his mommy, has mommy issues.
Speaker 1: No one ever cut the umbilical cord, as they like
Speaker 1: to say, yes, and so you are still attached to
Speaker 1: the hip and the mom and typically the mom and
Speaker 1: the interesting thing. And we need to get into this
Speaker 1: because the daddy issue often has to do with the
Speaker 1: dad either dying sadly or just not being a part
Speaker 1: of your life.
Speaker 2: The dad could have left with the mom, it's too
Speaker 2: much apart.
Speaker 1: The mom is about being there. Yeah, that's very interesting.
Speaker 2: Probably indicates who's doing a lot of the child rearing,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I'm just taking what you're saying because I
Speaker 3: completely agree. It's kind of like the stereotype of daddy
Speaker 3: issues mommy issues would be the woman is trying to
Speaker 3: fill the void and the guy is like too full.
Speaker 1: He can't fill the void, can't separate, he can't step
Speaker 1: up and fill that void himself and become a man
Speaker 1: and become independent and strong, and that's what women are.
Speaker 3: Like, you know, I will say, you know, it's I mean,
Speaker 3: and look I also I mean, first of all, I'm
Speaker 3: trying to normalize this because no one has a perfect upbringing,
Speaker 3: no one has a perfect parents, because people aren't perfect,
Speaker 3: and people are out there raising people.
Speaker 2: We all like, like.
Speaker 3: You know, everybody's a go my trauma. Yeah, sure we
Speaker 3: all do. We all have issues from our parents. We
Speaker 3: all have stuff we have to work through. We all
Speaker 3: should keep working on yourself, try to be better, and
Speaker 3: so it's just normal. We're all gonna have some stuff
Speaker 3: that we have to deal with, and our parents are
Speaker 3: the most formative thing in our lives.
Speaker 2: They shape who we become.
Speaker 3: I always feel like the people I know who are
Speaker 3: kind of the most damaged people are people who did
Speaker 3: not feel love.
Speaker 2: From their parents. Like I think that's such a like
Speaker 2: we're all a little bent.
Speaker 3: But if you know people who are really broken or
Speaker 3: people who didn't feel that, and I pity them I
Speaker 3: deeply because even though I lost my.
Speaker 2: Dad, I had love from my dad.
Speaker 3: But I also think like a silver lining of these
Speaker 3: issues is fine finding a way to be strong.
Speaker 2: Like I know, I don't know why I don't know
Speaker 2: if it's because.
Speaker 3: Millennial women all grew up idolizing journalists because they were
Speaker 3: that was the job every woman in every rom calm,
Speaker 3: we grew up watching hat But I actually know a
Speaker 3: lot of successful female journalists who lost their dads young,
Speaker 3: and that's like interesting to me. I sometimes think there's
Speaker 3: a you know, certainly, if you lose a parent, hopefully
Speaker 3: you come out like stronger and wanting to do them proud,
Speaker 3: and you work really hard through that loss. That would be,
Speaker 3: like to me, really the best case scenario, so you
Speaker 3: wouldn't get like broken and stunted by it.
Speaker 2: The by the way, do you think you have mommy issues?
Speaker 3: Your mom does listen to the podcast, so yes, it's
Speaker 3: two incredibly strong moms the wonderful.
Speaker 1: Something that really stuck out to me. And again, I
Speaker 1: had you spring this subject on me today.
Speaker 2: I did not give them my heads up about this part.
Speaker 1: So while I don't have the research in front of me,
Speaker 1: I have done research on this, and I've read and
Speaker 1: I've listened to many podcasts about this. It is without
Speaker 1: a doubt scientifically proven that children are much more successful
Speaker 1: education wise future relationships being healthy and strong in every
Speaker 1: which way, if there is a healthy male female presence
Speaker 1: in the house, two strong parents, you're growing up in
Speaker 1: a loving family unit. And that may be a mom
Speaker 1: and a dad, it may be you know, a strong grandparent.
Speaker 1: It's just having a significant presence of family and being
Speaker 1: responsible to others as you are growing up and having
Speaker 1: that love. It is astronomical the numbers how much they change,
Speaker 1: of how stronger they are in education and graduating high school,
Speaker 1: going to college, getting jobs, et cetera. And it all
Speaker 1: kind of comes back to this right of if we
Speaker 1: don't have that or if we have it and it's
Speaker 1: toxic or bad, it does the exact opposite well.
Speaker 2: And you know, also a question comes up of like
Speaker 2: what's toxic?
Speaker 3: Like I said, I I want to normalize the phrase
Speaker 3: a little bit and normalize the idea. Because an ex
Speaker 3: boyfriend of mine is coming to mind. He had a
Speaker 3: very stable family upbringing.
Speaker 2: He had a.
Speaker 3: Great mom, a stay at home mom, dad, like a
Speaker 3: ton of love in his house. But his parents had
Speaker 3: this policy that they never fought in front of their kids. Ever,
Speaker 3: so he did not know how to have an argument.
Speaker 3: Oh interesting, like he couldn't. He found it paralyzing. He
Speaker 3: thought like if we ever disagreed, it would like we
Speaker 3: broke up because like he.
Speaker 2: Couldn't disagree his mind.
Speaker 1: No one ever fought.
Speaker 3: Yeah, now, my parents and I love them. They fought
Speaker 3: in front of us quite a lot. Two attorneys to
Speaker 3: strong willed people. I had to do the opposite. And
Speaker 3: this is definitely why this guy and I didn't work out,
Speaker 3: amongst other things. But I thought fighting was so normal
Speaker 3: that like if I didn't have fighting in a relationship.
Speaker 3: And I had to realize this about myself and I
Speaker 3: always am still working on it. But I was like, I,
Speaker 3: fighting doesn't mean love, like I kind of thought fighting
Speaker 3: and passion were like, like that meant you cared. And
Speaker 3: I had to realize, Okay, I don't have to always
Speaker 3: be in the state of turmoil. Fighting doesn't mean love,
Speaker 3: and we can discuss without screaming. And I had to
Speaker 3: unlearn that behavior and when these were like the opposite scenarios.
Speaker 3: But we both still had to do work on ourselves,
Speaker 3: me and the sex boyfriend.
Speaker 1: You know well, and you and I have had to.
Speaker 1: I think that's a big part of a relationship and
Speaker 1: a big part of our marriage, and I think anybody's
Speaker 1: relationship is learning how to argue, learning words that are
Speaker 1: okay to be said, words that someone might not like said,
Speaker 1: having those conversations as you start fighting and you start disagreeing.
Speaker 1: I know, people it's hard to believe, but Lauren and
Speaker 1: I sometimes disagree, and you know, we have our arguments
Speaker 1: and our fights, so to speak. And it's knowing how
Speaker 1: the other person. It's being respectful kind of setting ground
Speaker 1: rules to war. It's the Geneva convention, if you will,
Speaker 1: and I think it's important. And so the only way
Speaker 1: you really have those discussions is lines are crossed and
Speaker 1: realizing that it's okay, you know, like one fight or
Speaker 1: someone going a little too far. And I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about abuse in any way. I'm just talking about your
Speaker 1: garden variety arguments that someone says a little something too strong.
Speaker 1: You're like, who whoo hoo oh, I don't like it
Speaker 1: when that happens, Okay, and you remember that for next time.
Speaker 1: And you and I had to teach, you know, we
Speaker 1: had to learn. Sure we have those discussions well, and.
Speaker 2: It come when it comes. I'm going back to the
Speaker 2: parenting thing.
Speaker 3: But what's also interesting about like any of this, is
Speaker 3: that the rhetoric and the education on what's right to
Speaker 3: do or always evolving.
Speaker 2: I mean, think.
Speaker 3: About how different like what our parents thought good parent
Speaker 3: what they thought good parenting was, versus what people say
Speaker 3: good parenting is now. And the problem is that as
Speaker 3: like the advice changes and the education changes, only time
Speaker 3: tells if that's really true.
Speaker 2: Like I saw this tweet the other.
Speaker 3: Day about I guess there's a book out now called
Speaker 3: bad Therapy, and it kind of dives into how this
Speaker 3: person with this person poses And I haven't read the book.
Speaker 3: I'm just remembering the tweet, but the takeaways seem to
Speaker 3: be that, like the research they're citing and what they're
Speaker 3: posing is that by giving a recent generation like too
Speaker 3: much therapy, we've kind of actually made them mentally weak
Speaker 3: because they're constantly so focused on like, what are my
Speaker 3: mental issues? What are my mental issues? And it's made
Speaker 3: them weaker and unable to deal with those mental issues,
Speaker 3: you know. And then I look at like my mama,
Speaker 3: if I tried to talk to her about how I
Speaker 3: was feeling, she said, you've had enough airtime, go do
Speaker 3: your homework.
Speaker 2: And maybe I wish you'd listen to my feelings a
Speaker 2: little more.
Speaker 3: And maybe that's why I got into speaking for a
Speaker 3: living because I wanted my airtime. I mean, I can
Speaker 3: draw all the lines. So do I have mommy issues?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: I love that she used airtime.
Speaker 2: Airtime.
Speaker 1: This is long before you were ever on the air.
Speaker 1: She knew that phrase. It's indiculous, had enough airtime.
Speaker 3: It's right there. All the tree of trauma is right
Speaker 3: there with all its brands.
Speaker 1: That what made you seek out this endeavor in this business.
Speaker 2: I have a microphone in my hands talking about what.
Speaker 1: Damny freud. So our takeaway is these phrases daddy issues,
Speaker 1: mommy issues. They can be overused, but they can be used,
Speaker 1: and I think they can be very accurate in what
Speaker 1: they can describe.
Speaker 2: I think we both have daddy issues and mommy issues.
Speaker 1: Of course, and by the way, everybody does. As much
Speaker 1: as I would like to think that I have been
Speaker 1: the perfect parent and I have raised my children perfectly.
Speaker 3: God, the sequel to this will be the kids come
Speaker 3: on ice thank you too soon.
Speaker 1: I think there have been one or two mistakes made
Speaker 1: and things that we'll.
Speaker 3: Let them bring up a little more and really be
Speaker 3: able to articulate what those issues.
Speaker 1: I will let them go to therapy and figure this out.
Speaker 1: But yes, none of us are perfect, as much as
Speaker 1: we would like. At the end of the day, we
Speaker 1: do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
Speaker 1: And I think to my generation of so many latchkey
Speaker 1: kids who parents never came to any practices and parents
Speaker 1: were never involved in anything, and maybe they made it
Speaker 1: to our graduation, that was about it. We came home
Speaker 1: alone and YadA YadA to the helicopter parenting generation. And
Speaker 1: all that does is create different adults that will give
Speaker 1: different things into this world. Are any of them all
Speaker 1: the way right? No? Are any of them all the
Speaker 1: way wrong? No? Not either, But none of us are perfect.
Speaker 3: I saw this another great phrase the other day. I
Speaker 3: think on Instagram someone said, have empathy for your parents.
Speaker 3: It's their first time too, and I thought, God, that's
Speaker 3: so simple but so poignant that you're you know, my
Speaker 3: mom's in her sixties right now. She's never been in
Speaker 3: her sixties before, She's never parented thirty something year old
Speaker 3: kids before. Like, everybody is doing it all for the
Speaker 3: first time. And if someone is doing their best, then
Speaker 3: just love them and know they're trying. And again, don't
Speaker 3: put that like pressure of perfection on yourself, because what's
Speaker 3: deemed perfect and great, and what a parent you are
Speaker 3: today could be looked at totally differently tomorrow, in a
Speaker 3: month and a couple of years.
Speaker 1: I promise you it will be yes.
Speaker 3: So I'm taking the negative connotation away from the phrase,
Speaker 3: I'm owning it. I have daddy issues and I have
Speaker 3: mommy issues too, but I love dad and mom both.
Speaker 1: We have a lot of issues, which is great because
Speaker 1: that means we have a lot more to talk about.
Speaker 1: We'll see again next time. Thanks for listening. Follow us
Speaker 1: on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever, and make
Speaker 1: sure to write us a review and leave us five stars.
Speaker 1: I'll talk to you next time.