WEBVTT - The Playbook: Mama’s Boy

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<v Speaker 1>This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Chris Harrison and Lauren z E mc coomedy from the

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<v Speaker 1>home office in Austin, Texas, LZ, what's on your mind today?

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<v Speaker 2>I got a.

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<v Speaker 3>Little playbook topic for us to get into today. Okay,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm calling it simply daddy issues.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh god, how long is this podcast going to be?

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, well, you've already hit the nail on the head.

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<v Speaker 2>My friend, here's what I want to talk to you about.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think this is going to be an interesting

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<v Speaker 3>discussion for us to have, like male female relationships wise,

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<v Speaker 3>what's okay to say?

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<v Speaker 2>Basically?

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<v Speaker 3>So, I was getting a coffee the other day with

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<v Speaker 3>a friend. She's a little younger than me, and she

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<v Speaker 3>was kind of asking my advice because she lost her

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<v Speaker 3>dad a few years ago, and she was asking my

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<v Speaker 3>advice about dating. Because when you've lost a parent and

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<v Speaker 3>you're dating and you're young, especially, people like assume that

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<v Speaker 3>you still your parents. So the first, you know, one

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<v Speaker 3>of the early questions on a first date is like,

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<v Speaker 3>so where does your family live?

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<v Speaker 2>Where are your parents?

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<v Speaker 3>And you know, I would usually avoid a bout being like, yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>my mom's in Chicago.

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<v Speaker 2>And then they're like, oh, okay, so, but like and

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<v Speaker 2>where's your dad? And then you're like, so, my dad's dead.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes. Uh.

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<v Speaker 2>It can get uncomfortable quickly.

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<v Speaker 3>You try to the other person says sorry, you try

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<v Speaker 3>to make them feel better, et cetera. But so she

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<v Speaker 3>was asking me my advice on how to handle it

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<v Speaker 3>in the conversation, and she said, I just feel like

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<v Speaker 3>I'm worried these guys are going to think I have

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<v Speaker 3>daddy issues and some have even said that to me before, like, oh,

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<v Speaker 3>daddy issues.

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<v Speaker 2>And I said I hate that phrase, and she.

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<v Speaker 3>Goes, I do too, And we were just kind of

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<v Speaker 3>talking about, like, you know, why does it bother us?

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<v Speaker 3>And then as I started to think about it, I thought, well,

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<v Speaker 3>but you know, it's unfair of me. I've used the

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<v Speaker 3>phrase mommy issues before about it, and I just wanted

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<v Speaker 3>us to get into are these phrases okay to say?

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<v Speaker 2>What do they convey?

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<v Speaker 3>Now?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm rhyming and does anyone not have these issues? What

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<v Speaker 2>do you think?

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<v Speaker 1>First of all, they're okay to say here's what they convey? Oh, look,

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<v Speaker 1>I think they are okay because they're real.

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<v Speaker 3>On both you know, by the way I've changed my

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<v Speaker 3>own mind about it. Literally, like I was at first

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<v Speaker 3>in that conversation with her, like, man, I hate that phrase,

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<v Speaker 3>but I realized, I think I'm just kind of sensitive

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<v Speaker 3>to it. And then when I found myself using the

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<v Speaker 3>phrase mommy issues, I thought, oh my gosh, I'm a hypocrite.

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<v Speaker 2>Do you know why I think it is?

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<v Speaker 3>I think it's because, especially when we're young, and I'm

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<v Speaker 3>really giving it up to freud.

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<v Speaker 2>Here uh huh.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, not in a weird way, but like we tend

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<v Speaker 3>to date some version, we tend to date a version

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<v Speaker 3>of that parent because and I think it's just because

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<v Speaker 3>that's the relationship, that's the model we have, that's the

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<v Speaker 3>relationship we've seen.

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<v Speaker 1>For sure. The psychology has a huge part of that.

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<v Speaker 3>Like if you love your parent, yeah, I mean I

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<v Speaker 3>loved my dad. So what do you think you think? Well,

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<v Speaker 3>I want to find someone who's gonna treat me the

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<v Speaker 3>way my.

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<v Speaker 2>Dad treated me.

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<v Speaker 1>He is the strength, he is the voice of reason

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<v Speaker 1>and education and love.

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<v Speaker 2>And then if you've lost your daddy're trying to replace

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<v Speaker 2>your dad.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, I don't know, Like, I think these are

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<v Speaker 3>very real and I realize what I really the reason

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<v Speaker 3>I really.

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<v Speaker 2>Wanted to talk about it is because it's like we

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<v Speaker 2>got to normalize it. We all have issues. Shout out

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<v Speaker 2>to doctor Phil's new book.

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<v Speaker 1>We've got issue issues, and we do and look to

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<v Speaker 1>a certain degree. You're right, we all do have issues.

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<v Speaker 1>But as you said, you lost your dad at a

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<v Speaker 1>young age, but let's say it was a younger age,

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<v Speaker 1>even like you know when you are five, six, seven,

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<v Speaker 1>ten years old, you know that impact of losing that

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<v Speaker 1>figure in your life. Like you said, you will, you

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<v Speaker 1>will seek that out and that I think that's the

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<v Speaker 1>truest definition of daddy issues is when a female has

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<v Speaker 1>never had that male role. Therefore they seek it in others.

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<v Speaker 1>And sometimes it can be in a bad way. That

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<v Speaker 1>will seek out kind of any sort of male support

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<v Speaker 1>and love, and oftentimes it can find itself in a

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<v Speaker 1>very toxic way. When we say guys have mommy issues,

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of times we can be too attacked, we

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<v Speaker 1>can be too attached.

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<v Speaker 2>By the way. I'm actually not saying that about you.

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<v Speaker 3>I truly don't think you are, but you're right, that

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<v Speaker 3>is the stereotype in it. And then the second you said,

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<v Speaker 3>that's several of like my friend's husbands popped into mine,

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<v Speaker 3>or guys that have.

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<v Speaker 1>Been coddled and taken care of and always pampered and

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<v Speaker 1>you know, had your bottom wiped for you your whole life. Therefore,

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<v Speaker 1>you are not a grown funk man who can.

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<v Speaker 3>Stereotype is he's too attached to his mommy, has mommy issues.

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<v Speaker 1>No one ever cut the umbilical cord, as they like

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<v Speaker 1>to say, yes, and so you are still attached to

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<v Speaker 1>the hip and the mom and typically the mom and

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<v Speaker 1>the interesting thing. And we need to get into this

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<v Speaker 1>because the daddy issue often has to do with the

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<v Speaker 1>dad either dying sadly or just not being a part

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<v Speaker 1>of your life.

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<v Speaker 2>The dad could have left with the mom, it's too

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<v Speaker 2>much apart.

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<v Speaker 1>The mom is about being there. Yeah, that's very interesting.

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<v Speaker 2>Probably indicates who's doing a lot of the child rearing,

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<v Speaker 2>you know.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, I'm just taking what you're saying because I

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<v Speaker 3>completely agree. It's kind of like the stereotype of daddy

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<v Speaker 3>issues mommy issues would be the woman is trying to

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<v Speaker 3>fill the void and the guy is like too full.

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<v Speaker 1>He can't fill the void, can't separate, he can't step

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<v Speaker 1>up and fill that void himself and become a man

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<v Speaker 1>and become independent and strong, and that's what women are.

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<v Speaker 3>Like, you know, I will say, you know, it's I mean,

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<v Speaker 3>and look I also I mean, first of all, I'm

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<v Speaker 3>trying to normalize this because no one has a perfect upbringing,

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<v Speaker 3>no one has a perfect parents, because people aren't perfect,

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<v Speaker 3>and people are out there raising people.

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<v Speaker 2>We all like, like.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, everybody's a go my trauma. Yeah, sure we

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<v Speaker 3>all do. We all have issues from our parents. We

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<v Speaker 3>all have stuff we have to work through. We all

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<v Speaker 3>should keep working on yourself, try to be better, and

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<v Speaker 3>so it's just normal. We're all gonna have some stuff

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<v Speaker 3>that we have to deal with, and our parents are

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<v Speaker 3>the most formative thing in our lives.

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<v Speaker 2>They shape who we become.

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<v Speaker 3>I always feel like the people I know who are

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<v Speaker 3>kind of the most damaged people are people who did

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<v Speaker 3>not feel love.

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<v Speaker 2>From their parents. Like I think that's such a like

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<v Speaker 2>we're all a little bent.

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<v Speaker 3>But if you know people who are really broken or

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<v Speaker 3>people who didn't feel that, and I pity them I

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<v Speaker 3>deeply because even though I lost my.

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<v Speaker 2>Dad, I had love from my dad.

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<v Speaker 3>But I also think like a silver lining of these

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<v Speaker 3>issues is fine finding a way to be strong.

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<v Speaker 2>Like I know, I don't know why I don't know

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<v Speaker 2>if it's because.

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<v Speaker 3>Millennial women all grew up idolizing journalists because they were

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<v Speaker 3>that was the job every woman in every rom calm,

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<v Speaker 3>we grew up watching hat But I actually know a

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<v Speaker 3>lot of successful female journalists who lost their dads young,

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<v Speaker 3>and that's like interesting to me. I sometimes think there's

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<v Speaker 3>a you know, certainly, if you lose a parent, hopefully

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<v Speaker 3>you come out like stronger and wanting to do them proud,

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<v Speaker 3>and you work really hard through that loss. That would be,

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<v Speaker 3>like to me, really the best case scenario, so you

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<v Speaker 3>wouldn't get like broken and stunted by it.

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<v Speaker 2>The by the way, do you think you have mommy issues?

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<v Speaker 3>Your mom does listen to the podcast, so yes, it's

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<v Speaker 3>two incredibly strong moms the wonderful.

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<v Speaker 1>Something that really stuck out to me. And again, I

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<v Speaker 1>had you spring this subject on me today.

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<v Speaker 2>I did not give them my heads up about this part.

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<v Speaker 1>So while I don't have the research in front of me,

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<v Speaker 1>I have done research on this, and I've read and

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<v Speaker 1>I've listened to many podcasts about this. It is without

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<v Speaker 1>a doubt scientifically proven that children are much more successful

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<v Speaker 1>education wise future relationships being healthy and strong in every

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<v Speaker 1>which way, if there is a healthy male female presence

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<v Speaker 1>in the house, two strong parents, you're growing up in

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<v Speaker 1>a loving family unit. And that may be a mom

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<v Speaker 1>and a dad, it may be you know, a strong grandparent.

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<v Speaker 1>It's just having a significant presence of family and being

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<v Speaker 1>responsible to others as you are growing up and having

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<v Speaker 1>that love. It is astronomical the numbers how much they change,

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<v Speaker 1>of how stronger they are in education and graduating high school,

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<v Speaker 1>going to college, getting jobs, et cetera. And it all

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<v Speaker 1>kind of comes back to this right of if we

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<v Speaker 1>don't have that or if we have it and it's

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<v Speaker 1>toxic or bad, it does the exact opposite well.

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<v Speaker 2>And you know, also a question comes up of like

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<v Speaker 2>what's toxic?

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<v Speaker 3>Like I said, I I want to normalize the phrase

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<v Speaker 3>a little bit and normalize the idea. Because an ex

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<v Speaker 3>boyfriend of mine is coming to mind. He had a

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<v Speaker 3>very stable family upbringing.

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<v Speaker 2>He had a.

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<v Speaker 3>Great mom, a stay at home mom, dad, like a

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<v Speaker 3>ton of love in his house. But his parents had

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<v Speaker 3>this policy that they never fought in front of their kids. Ever,

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<v Speaker 3>so he did not know how to have an argument.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh interesting, like he couldn't. He found it paralyzing. He

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<v Speaker 3>thought like if we ever disagreed, it would like we

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<v Speaker 3>broke up because like he.

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<v Speaker 2>Couldn't disagree his mind.

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<v Speaker 1>No one ever fought.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, now, my parents and I love them. They fought

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<v Speaker 3>in front of us quite a lot. Two attorneys to

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<v Speaker 3>strong willed people. I had to do the opposite. And

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<v Speaker 3>this is definitely why this guy and I didn't work out,

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<v Speaker 3>amongst other things. But I thought fighting was so normal

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<v Speaker 3>that like if I didn't have fighting in a relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>And I had to realize this about myself and I

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<v Speaker 3>always am still working on it. But I was like, I,

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<v Speaker 3>fighting doesn't mean love, like I kind of thought fighting

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<v Speaker 3>and passion were like, like that meant you cared. And

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<v Speaker 3>I had to realize, Okay, I don't have to always

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<v Speaker 3>be in the state of turmoil. Fighting doesn't mean love,

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<v Speaker 3>and we can discuss without screaming. And I had to

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<v Speaker 3>unlearn that behavior and when these were like the opposite scenarios.

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<v Speaker 3>But we both still had to do work on ourselves,

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<v Speaker 3>me and the sex boyfriend.

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<v Speaker 1>You know well, and you and I have had to.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that's a big part of a relationship and

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<v Speaker 1>a big part of our marriage, and I think anybody's

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<v Speaker 1>relationship is learning how to argue, learning words that are

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<v Speaker 1>okay to be said, words that someone might not like said,

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<v Speaker 1>having those conversations as you start fighting and you start disagreeing.

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<v Speaker 1>I know, people it's hard to believe, but Lauren and

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<v Speaker 1>I sometimes disagree, and you know, we have our arguments

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<v Speaker 1>and our fights, so to speak. And it's knowing how

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<v Speaker 1>the other person. It's being respectful kind of setting ground

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<v Speaker 1>rules to war. It's the Geneva convention, if you will,

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<v Speaker 1>and I think it's important. And so the only way

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<v Speaker 1>you really have those discussions is lines are crossed and

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<v Speaker 1>realizing that it's okay, you know, like one fight or

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<v Speaker 1>someone going a little too far. And I'm not talking

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<v Speaker 1>about abuse in any way. I'm just talking about your

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<v Speaker 1>garden variety arguments that someone says a little something too strong.

0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:43.800
<v Speaker 1>You're like, who whoo hoo oh, I don't like it

0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:46.760
<v Speaker 1>when that happens, Okay, and you remember that for next time.

0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:48.920
<v Speaker 1>And you and I had to teach, you know, we

0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:51.600
<v Speaker 1>had to learn. Sure we have those discussions well, and.

0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:53.520
<v Speaker 2>It come when it comes. I'm going back to the

0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:54.199
<v Speaker 2>parenting thing.

0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:57.480
<v Speaker 3>But what's also interesting about like any of this, is

0:11:57.520 --> 0:12:00.560
<v Speaker 3>that the rhetoric and the education on what's right to

0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:01.680
<v Speaker 3>do or always evolving.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, think.

0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:06.079
<v Speaker 3>About how different like what our parents thought good parent

0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:09.160
<v Speaker 3>what they thought good parenting was, versus what people say

0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:12.720
<v Speaker 3>good parenting is now. And the problem is that as

0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:15.720
<v Speaker 3>like the advice changes and the education changes, only time

0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:17.040
<v Speaker 3>tells if that's really true.

0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:18.760
<v Speaker 2>Like I saw this tweet the other.

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<v Speaker 3>Day about I guess there's a book out now called

0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:26.160
<v Speaker 3>bad Therapy, and it kind of dives into how this

0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:29.360
<v Speaker 3>person with this person poses And I haven't read the book.

0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:32.319
<v Speaker 3>I'm just remembering the tweet, but the takeaways seem to

0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:34.600
<v Speaker 3>be that, like the research they're citing and what they're

0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:40.439
<v Speaker 3>posing is that by giving a recent generation like too

0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:44.040
<v Speaker 3>much therapy, we've kind of actually made them mentally weak

0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.560
<v Speaker 3>because they're constantly so focused on like, what are my

0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:49.000
<v Speaker 3>mental issues? What are my mental issues? And it's made

0:12:49.040 --> 0:12:52.199
<v Speaker 3>them weaker and unable to deal with those mental issues,

0:12:53.320 --> 0:12:55.400
<v Speaker 3>you know. And then I look at like my mama,

0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:57.679
<v Speaker 3>if I tried to talk to her about how I

0:12:57.760 --> 0:13:00.360
<v Speaker 3>was feeling, she said, you've had enough airtime, go do

0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:01.520
<v Speaker 3>your homework.

0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:03.079
<v Speaker 2>And maybe I wish you'd listen to my feelings a

0:13:03.080 --> 0:13:03.560
<v Speaker 2>little more.

0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.120
<v Speaker 3>And maybe that's why I got into speaking for a

0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:08.320
<v Speaker 3>living because I wanted my airtime. I mean, I can

0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:10.680
<v Speaker 3>draw all the lines. So do I have mommy issues?

0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:11.000
<v Speaker 2>Yes?

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<v Speaker 1>I love that she used airtime.

0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:12.959
<v Speaker 2>Airtime.

0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:14.760
<v Speaker 1>This is long before you were ever on the air.

0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:18.160
<v Speaker 1>She knew that phrase. It's indiculous, had enough airtime.

0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:22.520
<v Speaker 3>It's right there. All the tree of trauma is right

0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:23.480
<v Speaker 3>there with all its brands.

0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:27.720
<v Speaker 1>That what made you seek out this endeavor in this business.

0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:29.600
<v Speaker 2>I have a microphone in my hands talking about what.

0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:38.960
<v Speaker 1>Damny freud. So our takeaway is these phrases daddy issues,

0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:44.679
<v Speaker 1>mommy issues. They can be overused, but they can be used,

0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:47.640
<v Speaker 1>and I think they can be very accurate in what

0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:48.760
<v Speaker 1>they can describe.

0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.880
<v Speaker 2>I think we both have daddy issues and mommy issues.

0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:54.120
<v Speaker 1>Of course, and by the way, everybody does. As much

0:13:54.120 --> 0:13:55.839
<v Speaker 1>as I would like to think that I have been

0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:59.320
<v Speaker 1>the perfect parent and I have raised my children perfectly.

0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:02.559
<v Speaker 3>God, the sequel to this will be the kids come

0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:04.000
<v Speaker 3>on ice thank you too soon.

0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:06.320
<v Speaker 1>I think there have been one or two mistakes made

0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:08.000
<v Speaker 1>and things that we'll.

0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:09.680
<v Speaker 3>Let them bring up a little more and really be

0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:11.200
<v Speaker 3>able to articulate what those issues.

0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:13.320
<v Speaker 1>I will let them go to therapy and figure this out.

0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.040
<v Speaker 1>But yes, none of us are perfect, as much as

0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:18.920
<v Speaker 1>we would like. At the end of the day, we

0:14:19.000 --> 0:14:21.320
<v Speaker 1>do the best we can with the knowledge we have.

0:14:21.400 --> 0:14:24.440
<v Speaker 1>And I think to my generation of so many latchkey

0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:28.080
<v Speaker 1>kids who parents never came to any practices and parents

0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:30.280
<v Speaker 1>were never involved in anything, and maybe they made it

0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:32.800
<v Speaker 1>to our graduation, that was about it. We came home

0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:37.400
<v Speaker 1>alone and YadA YadA to the helicopter parenting generation. And

0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.640
<v Speaker 1>all that does is create different adults that will give

0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:44.160
<v Speaker 1>different things into this world. Are any of them all

0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.160
<v Speaker 1>the way right? No? Are any of them all the

0:14:46.200 --> 0:14:49.040
<v Speaker 1>way wrong? No? Not either, But none of us are perfect.

0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:52.840
<v Speaker 3>I saw this another great phrase the other day. I

0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:58.040
<v Speaker 3>think on Instagram someone said, have empathy for your parents.

0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:02.960
<v Speaker 3>It's their first time too, and I thought, God, that's

0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:06.320
<v Speaker 3>so simple but so poignant that you're you know, my

0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:08.280
<v Speaker 3>mom's in her sixties right now. She's never been in

0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:11.520
<v Speaker 3>her sixties before, She's never parented thirty something year old

0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:15.280
<v Speaker 3>kids before. Like, everybody is doing it all for the

0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:20.920
<v Speaker 3>first time. And if someone is doing their best, then

0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:27.200
<v Speaker 3>just love them and know they're trying. And again, don't

0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:31.560
<v Speaker 3>put that like pressure of perfection on yourself, because what's

0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:34.920
<v Speaker 3>deemed perfect and great, and what a parent you are

0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:38.040
<v Speaker 3>today could be looked at totally differently tomorrow, in a

0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:39.320
<v Speaker 3>month and a couple of years.

0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:40.440
<v Speaker 1>I promise you it will be yes.

0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:44.800
<v Speaker 3>So I'm taking the negative connotation away from the phrase,

0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.440
<v Speaker 3>I'm owning it. I have daddy issues and I have

0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:51.200
<v Speaker 3>mommy issues too, but I love dad and mom both.

0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:56.120
<v Speaker 1>We have a lot of issues, which is great because

0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:58.440
<v Speaker 1>that means we have a lot more to talk about.

0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:01.400
<v Speaker 1>We'll see again next time. Thanks for listening. Follow us

0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:04.240
<v Speaker 1>on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever, and make

0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:06.680
<v Speaker 1>sure to write us a review and leave us five stars.

0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:08.200
<v Speaker 1>I'll talk to you next time.